Manusia

@RobertZ your advice is good actually, resonated. Thanks brah. Thats a thing.

Related to Anger This quote is a whole thing. The feeling of right. Thinking about one perspective is more truer than another is become another bright light and the dark shadow. One case, my anger that I burrow inside my soul. I think that is goodie. To make enviroment more wonderful like what my culture said. Its become habitual for many decade. Unconsciously I think it is the right thing to do. And it is the one perspective that stop me to integrating my anger. Even I cant see him because it is buried down so deep. I cant have anger before. He become big demon possessed my daily life. The grave become ghosted. I dig the grave with all of my fear. And I found him and set him free. Now he is free. He found a light.

I smile entirely reading every words. Thats goodie stuff!

Journal Problem I'm tired of journaling too.. sometimes I learn things without doing too much thinking stuff. The journal itself become my own problem in integrating things. Oftentimes it is just my mental masturbation. It the same thing that I do everyday in my mind. But journal things do a good stuff too.. my mind is to abstract and sometimes have too much bias in things when I do not speak or write it. Yeah journal is still good. But when I feel its no time for journal. I should follow that voice.

Tired. Tired of my own shit. Tired of my inautenthicity. I'm the kind of people that have big tendencies to please others before me. I tired holding back. Its not serving any good at all. This is bullshit. My emotional shit. My fears. I tired to belief. It not hold any shit. Most of it just make more problem. I have big dissapointment in myself. Towards me, all people that I interact before. The old me mask is still there if some people in the old days talk to me. The old mask is disgust me in some way. I was so damn dull to put my anger and rage in my shadow. It kills me from inside out. So.. go out all my shadow. You can touch the light. Love you my rage. You are a power supply on my authority. You are protector. No need to guilt yourself. You can hurt people if you want. I have exsistensial crisis this week. I have nothing to really hold. Even my own mind. What? I cant grapple anything. Any framework of mind cannot hold up. Feeling the lost. Feeling the hyper confusion. I feel I'm in the place that I afraid to ask more question. It is rumbling all my reality. My mind is lost. My self.. please.. you dont need to hold things up. You can feel your intuiton, emotion.. and you know.. its VALID. You are your own mind validator. Your own framework mind gate is yourself. You can disband crazy framework mind that often drive you crazy. Or.. this validator stuff is just make me tired too. Or.. destroy yourself as mind validator. Burn your home and set you free. Tired.

INFJ is real hottie. Currently sign up in new dating up from the ads of Psych2Go, one of my favorite youtube channel on general mental health. They always come up with really shoothing sound. Unfreeze my tense. The name of the dating app is So Syncd. This app connect user with MBTI test. As my result is INTP, my best match is ENTJ, ENFP, INFJ and INTJ. I see something subtle in general INFJ girl. My ex is dense INFJ, and I got the sort of energy that remind me of her when I see every INFJ girl. How I describe it, its have a deep thing inside.. have a good sense of morality.. having open intuition.. Witch vibe in some kind lol. I dont know but I always attracted to INFJ vibe. They are the most hottie type in MBTI in my eye. Hot witch girlfriend!

Mood.

I think actualized.org can be another facebook. People in it can talk dumb stuff with immature attitude towards other. Without any emotional awareness towards someone who speak. Seeking in winning every debate without seeing inward. And so what? What you got? And what? Mod do this too? Oh please.. I think before.. what is difference smoking, addictive stuff and having bad thought pattern process like hating, doubting, critisizing, overporjecting mind? Not so much. They do the same. Poking something in your head that can make you feels good. So what do you get? Did your heart feels good about make someone else down? I doubt it from your heart.

Yup.. data lost. Some of my post deleted.

Welcome to Spiral Dynamic stage Orange! The stage that I subconsciously demonized. Not learn anything so much. Whats up : - Physical apperance I now make myself more tidy, use wardobe that looked nice. Usually I use anything that suit my taste, but oftentimes is not really attractive and have clumsy look lol. My PR friend talk to me as be is highly orange human being. "People look in your apperance first. If you look trustworthy people want to connect with you more. Use perfume. Dont look so homeless." Change my tinder photos with my new style. And BAM I got much more liked lol. - Social Do the social game correctly. I learn this from my PR friend thoo.. He is a pioneer in this because his job is to be as social as possible. When I disscuss with him about how social work, how dating work (After I do pickup so harsly direct in front of him and rejected so hard lol). You cannot do any interaction with people so direct. You need to do lesser point interaction first before you confess anything that include your agenda. I mean you cannot so direct saying what you need. Talk something that she interested with, or do poke chat so you register your name in their head first in social matrix. Do direct not work. I honestly think this is well known fact BUT as my childhood social dont go so well. Yeah this disscussion change me so much. Lifetime changing. Then I watch Leo video about How Brand Exploit ...... The dots I connect is I am too needy in most my friend relationship. I want to provide. But maybe my strategy is suck that I looked too needy. Set boundaries. Aware of how I needy. And do fine without them. Exploit. Exploit. Exploit. Do exploitation in people. Learn sucking resource. Be sucker. Consciously.

I see people got different view in intepert faith, truth and belief. People label the experience with different names or totally have different experience in each individual, which lead to confusion to discuss this matter..

And how to develop sense of faith and trust? In my daily life.. I cannot really feel have faith and trust in me. I think all of it is just mostly belief. I dont have a good backbone self maybe to say without faith and trust.

I dont get it, hard to me to pin poin what you saying in myself. But the two before is direct hit. Thanks, really.. @dflores321

In my experience with shroom, in bad condition I still can take psychedelic BUT with high dose. So the big dose can make my mind meta enough to understand what is bad actually mean, the trip experience go the opposite of bad when you know what anything that you considered 'bad' really is. When I try trip in low dosage in the bad mood, not going very well. Take big dose, dive deep my man. Every trip had a lesson. Bad trip just make you stronger. Believe in your inner intention. Its your sail and compass.

When I tired or on ego backlash.. I think I need to cut all contact and the feeling need to contact anybody. Almost no one understanding sadness expect one who really caring and open. In my circle.. its zero. People want me when Im in good shape only. When I become really needy and suffering ... I approach people for my comfort, try not to show what really inside, because when I say my velnurable shit.. people become shit reflection. I remember people who really want to hear me when I write this. Dad, Nurul and Tiar. The commonality here is people with high intuition and empathy. For this time I need to be all alone. In my everything. Take all the responsibility in me.

Totally right.. I was thinking about it thoo.. but in the other hand if Im not wrong he focused on podcast. His journey is quite unique. He have critical point in live and awake. Lowering his ego as much, have no money. And developing ego.. inflate it and make it healthy.

Say what need to say. Comminicate clearly. Make the person in front of you understand what deep core of what you saying. I know for me is uncomfortable af. But yeah.. this is the work. Communicate clearly. No trash mind after conversation because the way you communicate before. As weird as it is. As wrong as it seems. Your perspective is still valid. .

@hyruga Its gold channel brah. He really resonate with me. Thanks!

In the phase that need to build bottom structure of self. Be strong. Root chakra healing. Heart chakra healing. Improving articulation. Understanding thought making process. Awareness of paradigm that I use. Energy awareness. Kindness for others. Introspection. Seeing. Bravely. Developing anger. Developing arrogance. Authoritarian vibe. Be animal. Unapologetic. Dont care. Fuck off. Fight to death. Seeing boundaries that already inside. Power. Power. Power. Ego inflation. System thinking. Thinking for oneself. Tribal power. Familias power. This wild stuff I need develop. At the end.. like Leo says.. radical openmindedness.. willingness to be offended. Need to burn this value. Of course not in blunt way. In more mature way. In inside. Im fire.

Doing emotion observation is challenging at first. My consciousness didnt want to see lot of emotion. Gradually I become more aware of how my emotion co-opt with different meaning and make the meaning goes towards what the emotion want. Notice what emotion arise when I didnt know the topic that I disscuss. I tend to make me look know anything better than I actually is. There is same emotion that handle this process. Notice what emotion arise when my boundaries got attacked. The emotion when I'm in love. The emotion when I found clicked people. The emotion when I see high intellegent being. My emotion can make a catalog of people. Its really subtle.. I cant really tell what emotion is when I do people catalouging. When I say what emotion I got.. it is really reduce the raw data that I experienced. Emotion is really useful.. I found I towards more emotional person.. I avoid emotion all that time before. Now I start to loving it and feel it. Its the part of bigger me. I think emotion correlated deeply with intuition in some way. My life become more vibrant. Emotion is a taste of life. Emotion always need to be co opt with thinking. If not I just goes deep into unknown weird unexplainable territory. Inflated feminity. Its not fun experience. Balance. Balance. Balance.

@flume Whats your camera flume? Its really good... I really love in your vlog style too. Your enviroment is SO amazing.. beautiful! Cant wait to see more of your video..

Agreed. I fall of this trap. Thinking I was superior than most people with my own thinking style. Unconsciously I judge people in my enviroment and society. Make a big space between me and people.. in the end its just I protecting my own afraid avoidance ego. Then a sage told me.. stop use thought to thought.. just be mundane like other people do. Its hit myself really hard and make me confused in long time. Now my pendelum go towards involvement to people in my enviroment. The wisdom is greater when spent much time in aloneness and then merge in society in healthy way. Very hard in the first. But eventually you will need to develop awareness in strong independence thinking that will protect your own thinking from becaming chaotic with group think. Group think have a lot of blind spot. When you hold strong awareness in your thinking.. you can avoid brainwash and you became a light to the enviroment.

Saying this all of this personal development stuff is easy. Walk the talk is very difficult. I am afraid bullshitting myself.

Today I commit to take mind meaning creation more seriously. If I not doing that, I become a slave to my own mental cirrcullation. Take a constant awareness to my meaning making. Constant awareness of how my emotion play role in my tendencies to make meaning. And awareness of how my enviroment might have not netural energy that can affect my own emotion. I am really aware that I am sensitive. And easily be hurt if people do say something unecessary and complusive. I prefer to go out of any enviroment that cause my emotion overblown. If no I can really hurt people with my own resentment. Shadow inflation.

I found myself now in the slow down.. buliding really deep structure of my mind. Awareness to my own meaning creation. My mental creation. I watch it all happening. The meaning making, I observe this in my upper head area, and pineal gland maybe.. I dont know what is exact location. Now I really got rid of my overthinking motion. Overthinking that always harshly punish oneself when I try to reflect my self. Reflect sometimes is not an option. The actual reflect that happened is I judging my own thought, judging my own illusion.. punishment for having illusion.. war of illusion vs illusion. Rationalize where is the more better. And no one is better. But the punishment do itself unconsciously.. my reality is like hell. Which is .... stupid to torture oneself like this. Using gut feeling and heart is just more make sense than any of my rational thought that always very deceptive towards me. More rational than my rational. I can see whats really going on more clearly than using my thought to analyze. Yes I still use rationality but its below my gut feeling and heart feeling. Think less, worry less, more fearless, more loving, feeling more, more acceptance of own weakness.