Gesundheit

What if I never got out yet of that environment? At this point, I find it actually pointless to connect with people emotionally. I don't think I'm repressing anything in that process. I find it the natural way to go about life, i.e. without attachments. And I don't think I'm numb. I can feel my emotions deeply and I am generally well present in my body. It's just the love emotion that seems unnecessary, and rather wicked to me at this point. That's what I do. But to me, love still feels like unnecessary delusion tbh.

Yeah that's what I'm doing actually. I don't have high expectations of people anymore. In fact at this point I wouldn't mind them all disappearing the next day. But that's called cynicism, and spiritual people think it's a "low consciousness" thing that should be replaced with love.

Nobody understands. Nobody. Everytime I love someone or something, I end up getting hurt. The only way my mind will interpret that is by equating love with pain. I am 100% sure that nobody likes to hurt themselves, except maybe for masochists. When people talk about trusting others and loving others, they forget that they have had positive experiences with that. In my case, every single time I loved, I got hurt. There was never an exception for this rule. Not even a single one. Furthermore, I started thinking that I may be hurting others as well with the love I have, because my good intentions usually get misunderstood and then fireback at me. It's like the world is telling me to stop loving and stop having good intentions. Be a devil. That's how I see it. I am not exaggerating when I say that I was never loved. The only love I've ever gotten from others is egoic love, i.e. they always expected to get something from me. Even my parents didn't/don't really love me. They only treat me good so that I feel obliged to take care of them when they're old. They're so obvious. And they believe that they're actually loving me with their twisted form of egoic love. The only person that I thought had truly understood me and loved me for who I am, was a girl I met last year. She seemed like God. Everything about her was so special, that it restored part of my faith in love. Unfortunately, her parents were from a different religious background and they had us to break up. At least that's what she said. Now I'm beginning to think that she never truly loved me either. And that she made up that excuse to get away from me. I'm doubting the only thing I ever thought was true love. My expectations were very low from the beginning, yet never got fulfilled. So yeah, I'm now cynical of everyone and everything as trust has never been a rewarding thing for me. One last thing is that I find the advice some people offer about not having expectations silly. If I should stop having expectations, then I should behave however I want and not submit to society's expectations either. Otherwise, that would only be abuse to me. I would then be compensating for society's injustice by repressing myself, and that is not a thing that I will allow anymore. I've got repressed and traumatized too much. I am done with that. I will never let others have it by stepping on me, even if that would cost me my life.

- God is good. + How and why did you conclude that? - Everything that is, is good. If it wasn't good it couldn't and therefore wouldn't be. (epitome of circular logic). + Okay. How do you know that? - Because God is perfect and only creates good things. If you are omniscient and omnipotent, what kind of things will you manifest? + All kinds of things, not necessarily good things. There seems to be a missing link here. What do omniscience and omnipotence have to do with goodness? What is the relationship between goodness and knowing and power? - You are not awake, devil.

Even Leo himself does not say he's awake.

Soon I will be looking to make a radical shift in my income. If things work out properly with college, I should be able to have a year for myself to explore this path. I will start looking for making money online. The only problem I have is that this kind of thing is not possible in my country. There's no paypal or anything like that and I don't even really understand how it works to be honest. So I will try to find someone living abroad whom I can trust, and use their help to manage the money and send it here to me. Right now I could only think of a few ways to make money. But I will have to complete a few courses in design apps like photoshop and corel draw. I will try to learn about other apps as soon as I get good at those two. All I need is a good start, a few dollars. And I am certain I can take care of the rest. I only need one person abroad who is willing to help me with the first few dollars. I'll probably not need more than 20$. I think it'll be enough.

Boner! Do you still view relationships a sin till this day?

But you would still say there's absolute goodness and absolute love?

Huh? Is this another meme? Or are you implying that the story is based on circular logic too?

That is good skepticism if you're not convinced. You don't have to take anything for granted. You can verify those things for yourself. If I'm determined, who can convince me otherwise?

No. That is a just circular concept you created. God is an infinite point, meaning that it's exactly itself. How could it be anything else? Another circular reasoning. Maybe circles exist, but to make them a bug or a feature is a bit going too far, don't you think? ?

What?

Is reality made of love? Is reality inherently good?

The whole point of awakening is to do away with logic. As long as there is even the slightest bit of belief in the materialist paradigm, you aren't awake. And if you think about it, adopting logic is really nothing but a neurotic way to live life.

Earlier tonight in walking meditation I asked why is everything this way? The answer came to me in a glimpse. It was so that I can be.

Perfectionism is a coping mechanism that manifests when things are overwhelming and out of control. It's an ego mechanism to make it feel as though the ego is still in control right after it loses it, until it's cured.

How can anyone listen to something this upbeat and feel sad? I don't know, but I do ?

I experience this even outside of meditation. The feeling is more like a circle in the middle of my forehead. It feels like a little weight pushing horizontally. No pulse though.

@Leo Gura rape is harmful because it's ego. Resisting sex would make it into rape because of the thick ego. If the victim would let go it would only be sex. But no, we want to have a free will, and that's part of the price we pay.

@Farnaby Yeah I agree with everything you said. Although now the real question for me is: Is it really worth it? Should I try to Or not? I think I can do that if I work at it. But should I?

@universe I think I've found something. I tried listening to a music song that is linked with someone I loved once and did not come through for me. They were very special and I loved them so much, and they did actually want to come through but they could not because they were from a different religious background and that was the reason why we broke up. The feeling of love is accompanied with sadness for me. I can't feel love without feeling sad. And now I'm crying as I'm typing this. Love gives me depression and I don't want to be depressed.

Oops! ??

I didn't watch the video but reading the thread here I assume it's mainly about criticism of irrationality and magnifying rationality in comparison, which to me, is a complete joke. I can't even start to think of an answer to this because it itself is based on irrational fear of death. For some reasons, the human mind seems to be conditioned to desire control in order to live as long as possible. But is control really important? The main difference between rationality and irrationality is the difference between chaos and order. Or in other words, how controlling and manipulative a mind is. What makes any argument for rationality silly, is the unexpectedness of the future. Someone who is afraid of covid could be taking all the precautions and then somehow catch the virus and die. And someone else who may be indifferent to the whole thing may not even catch the virus, or heal quickly. Really there's no way to guarantee a longer life. It's impossible by all means. My golden rule: you could always die by getting hit by a bus.

That's why I say it's an absolute distinction

A sensation. Absolutely. How can you know that fire burns you without an interpretation?