Jonsey

I want to masturbate but I can't because all it will do is distract me from the mission I have right in front of me. The mission I have in hand. All it will do is put me in a state of limbo in a place where nothing can hurt me but that's because I will be hurting myself. Thinking dirty thoughts of women doing things to me while I do things to them. "Baby this vicious cycle has got to stop!!" I know she's right and i know she's telling the truth but I don't want her to tell me these things because I know these things are true and it hurts to hear it because living in a world without masturbation is a nightmare of it's own. I don't want to see her again but I see her every time I look in the mirror because I a version of me is inside her and when I break a piece of the glass a piece of her breaks as well. I'm hurting the one I love and I can't stop myself from doing so. I can't stop it and it makes me angry to have so little control over my emotions and my thoughts. I have a mission at hand and I am failing myself and everyone around me who loves and supports me yet I feel like a man alone on an island full of disturbing thoughts and regrets.

The interview is today. I know it's going to be a short one but "that don't mean you should let your guard down baby." "Don't worry momma, I"ll be alert. I'll be on my game." "You fucking better. Cause if this goes bad there ain't gonna be another game coming your way in a long, long time." I really hate interviews but I know they are a necessary component to a company's survival. I know they are needed to cut out the wheat from the shaft. That doesn't mean I have to like it, or necessarily respect the process, but I understand it's underlying value. I just find it so fucking annoying. I wouldn't be in this position if I wasn't fucked over by the people at my last job. They could have at least had the decency to give me a warning. But my time there is over now and I hope they get fucked over the same way I did. Now I'm back to ubering and I don't know how much more my car can take before I have to trade it in for a new one. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this but it is what it is I guess. I never thought 40 would come so quickly. It seemed like only yesterday I was 28. How did the time go by so fast. How does it do it so quickly. "Just because you're 40 don't mean you still can't be 28." "You got a point momma, but it's hard to turn back time and rewind the clock." "It's hard if you don't try." "I am trying momma!" "Than try harder goddamn it!!!" I'll do the best I can but the future is uncertain. 40 may be my new beginning but I hope it won't be the end. This world already has enough nightmares ruining peoples lives and it don't need no more. I hope someday I can put an end to those nightmares.

I am coming to and understanding that detox is not my fucking friend and it never was. It hurts and it's not very fun, but I suppose that is the point of change isn't it? It feels like a part of me is dying on a battlefield full of loneliness and despair. There has to be more to life than twitter, Netflix and youtube. I wish I could explore the outer realms of the universe but the universe is telling me it's not my time yet. I still have a lot of work to do on this level of existence. On this level of the tower things will come to me I will not be expecting nor understand but it is this unexpectedness that will make my journey to the top of the tower worthwhile. "The afterlife ain't ready for you yet! It's not your time son. You still get time right here and right now to get your shit together. I know it sucks and I know it smells but that's the part of life that makes it worth living. Hell, if life were easy, everybody would be doing it and nothing would ever matter." "And what's so wrong with that?" "Everything boy! Things have to matter to have value son. If it didn't, everything would fall apart. Nothing would matter. The world would come to an end and everything everywhere would be lost." "I feel a little lost right now." "That's normal baby." "Normal for 40?" "Normal for any age fool!" "Even you?" "Even me nigga." "Well, you sure don't look lost." Big momma laughs. "Oh I have my moments. Good moments. Bad moments. Sad moments." "How do you deal with it momma? The ups and downs?" "One day at a time hun. One day. One week. One year. It's all a process baby." "And you trust this process?" "Damn straight!" "But why?" "Cause it got me you."

I can't go out like this. Not this way. I still have so much to do in this world. So much to accomplish. So much to achieve for those who need my achievements in order to feel like they mean something in this universe. To feel like they matter in this world of heartache and chaos. In my dreams I hear society calling out to me, begging me to do something more than sit on my ass all day and eat cheeseburgers and french fries with milkshakes on a Saturday afternoon when all the kids are outside playing in the sun. Playing in the pool where they belong because the world is a kind place to those who are innocent of it's atrocities and it's mayhem. They don't know the truth behind the madness because they are not ready for it. They are not ready for the truth behind the madness of it's existence. How it came from chaos and how it continues to enforce it's destruction on the lives of those whose only job is to catch the madness and contain it's source in a place where they can study it and fully understand it's true capabilities.

I have an interview tomorrow with Moms Organic. I'm not sure what the lady is going to find out about me in 15 minutes but that's how long they said the interview was going to be so I'm going to have to prepare for the best 15 minutes of my life and pray I don't fucking stutter too much because I can't afford to fuck this up. I need this job. I keep forgetting about my laundry in the washer machine. I always forget to do the little things before I sit down to write. These days the little things matter a lot. Every little thing counts. I always have a lot on my mind these days. My future is becoming more bleak by the day. I think about death often but I can't give in to temptation because I still have things I want to do on this plane of existence. I still have kids I want to put out into this world and see grow into brilliant people who will do great things in the world and bring change to a system filled with injustices and inequality. I may be losing the battle but "you damn sure ain't losing the war!" said my momma. "Hell, as a matter of fact, it's just getting started." I don't know if I believe that or not but I do appreciate her encouraging words. It's just that sometimes I wish the war wasn't so goddamn hard. "But it is hard hun! It's hard and you got no choice but to deal with it!" I know she's got a point but that still don't change the fact that this war sucks.

I'm getting hungry again and I know it's not a good thing because the type of hunger that is attacking me is not the type of hunger I would want to be my friend because this kind of hunger wants me to spend my money on the kind of things that will hurt me. If I eat this food I will be giving my money to the devil and his little gremlin. The little bastard will take my money and use it to buy drugs to give to people who don't need it but believe they do because they know nothing else of value that is worth dying for. These days, anything worth living is not really something the ordinary person looks forward too because the things we seek to keep us alive is often fill with a shallow hollowness not worth pursuing. But we pursue it anyway because it's the only thing we have to look forward too. The only thing that keeps us alive. Keeps us going. Keeps us believing there are better things out there. Stranger Things worth watching. Worth caring for and loving. We watch the people on the screen and live through their trials and tribulations because it is those trials that give us a sense of purpose. A sense of life. It fills a hole inside of us that never seems to be filled. It never satisfies us which is why we never turn down the fucking music when we need to concentrate because concentration is hard when you feel empty. When you feel alone you are the only person in the universe without a home to call your own. Without a tribe to have your back in your time of need when you are under attack by those who profit off your failure. Profit off your misery.

Baby if you're unemployable you've got to do something to change that. Like what? Like be someone an employer would like to hire someday. Don't you think I'm trying? Yeah, but not hard enough. How hard do you want me to try? I'm already doing the best I can. I know baby. I know. If you know than why are you on my case? Because I love you baby. I love you and want you to do well. I love you too momma. You better! I laugh. Sometimes I think I was meant to do something else. Like what? Dancing. You can still dance boy. You've just got to find the right time and place. I know the place. It's the time that's the problem. Why? I don't think we get along. We are not good friends at the moment. You better be glad it ain't your enemy.

I did it again. I bought something I wasn't suppose to buy and now I can't stop thinking about whether or not I will do it again tomorrow or whether or not I will make the right choice and show some self control in the face of temptation and adversity. I don't have a full time job at the moment so every little bit counts when it comes to spending money. I need to do a better job at being comfortable with being alone in a world that bombards you with bullshit like social media and Netflix. I wish I could get the fuck out of here to a place where I can get my shit together. A place where I can focus on the things I gotta do instead of the things I want to eat. "You gotta be patient baby. And you gotta stop eating that shit they be feeding you cause what they be feeding ain't good for your brain hun." I know the shit I'm putting in my body ain't my friend yet they change my mind every time I put one of those bastards in my mouth. Change i very fucking hard on the body man. It's never easy to change things you want to be changed. It's always hard on the mind and the soul. I know sleep will solve a lot of my problems. I just have to trust the process and the people who surround the process to do the right thing and guide me to the promise land full of sugar and full of candy. I hope I get the chance to travel the world someday. I really don't want to die not know the wonders of the world and the wonders of the universe.

I am so fucking hungry right now but I can't eat at the moment because I am on a schedule on what I can and cannot do when it comes to eating the kind of foods I like. I am trying to save money when it comes to food and let me tell you it's not very fun because I can't eat the kind of foods I want to eat. The foods that make me feel good. The foods that make me feel alive and want to live in a world that is full of wonder and mystery. But the reality is without my comfort foods the world feels dead inside. I see people walking to and from work like they don't like what they are doing and where they are going and when they are going to their place of employment they are stuck in a place where there is no hope or dreams to come to their aide. To rescue them from the rat race turning them into zombies. Turning them into dead men walking but they don't know they are dead until it is too late when they wake up one day realizing the let the best years of their lives pass them by in a blink of an eye and they can never get those years back. They can never return back to the blink that started it all. The blink that changed everything. I like the sound of music when I write. It helps drown out the silence I often try to ignore because it hurts too much to listen too so I eat and eat and eat until I can't eat anymore. Until I am numb and can't feel anything that will give me pleasure or hurt me because I don't like the sound of pain tearing at my heart strings. I can't stand the sound of fire burning up my soul. The sound of music eating me from the inside out is not music at all but a devil eating me alive. A devil who pretends to be my friend but laughs at me behind my back with others. Laughs at me with others while I cry alone in the twilight of darkness waiting for the clock to strike zero. Waiting for my time to end.

I haven't showered in three days and I feel like shit. I can almost smell myself. That's how bad I stink folks! That's how bad I smell and feel sitting in this chair, sitting on my ass like an unemployable man should feel when he's lost his job and lost in limbo. Tomorrow I start ubering again. It's been a long time since I've done so. I hope I'm not to rusty and I hope I don't fuck up my chance to get back into Amazon and into the AWS department. I was so fucking close to getting that promotion. That raise would have meant a lot to me and my future endeavors. Now my future must be put on hold until I can figure out what to do next and how best to do it. Until I find my way again to the place I know is the right place for me. I thought Moms organic was that special little place in my heart but it looks like those fuckers are just like the man in the jungle. They want someone younger. More energetic. More loud and stupid. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Well that 18k is in my 401k. I have another 5k is in stocks and crypto. If I sell everything I have and pay all my debts, I'd have around 5k-6k left. One of the things I want to do on my bucket list is to do a 20-30 day plant dieta at either Aya Healing Retreats or Psychonauta Foundation and immediately after, do a 21 day darkness retreat at darknessretreat.net/. But right now, I'd be satisfied just doing a 10 day Vipassana retreat at the Bhavana Society. I'm not looking for a magic pill by doing these retreats. I'm just trying to get a deeper understanding of who I am and what thoughts and ideas arises from such an intense isolation practice.

There is no such thing as a perfect brand name just like there is no such thing as a perfect lady or a perfect man. In order for a brand name to be good it must come from within. It must come from the beam! It must come from the Dark Tower itself!!! Think of the people you are trying to impress with this brand and think of a name that will fill them with love and hope for their future.

Some trans women are some of the most beautiful women in the world. They are not afraid to be themselves and that takes bravery on their part. If I had a 10th of their courage I would be a more fulfilled human being than I am at the moment. Keep up the fight brother. Keep dancing on the dance floor!!!

The Goggins is strong with this one!! Thanks for the uplifting words my friend. I can't promise you I will drop my lofty plans just yet, but what I can promise is I will try my best to be "a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war!"

Those fuckers at Amazon Fresh turned me down again. This makes me wonder whether or not I did something to them in the past I don't know about or must have forgot. For some reason they won't let me work their overnight shift which makes me also wonder what the fuck is wrong with them? Or should the question I should be asking myself is what the hell is wrong with me? To be so looked down upon. To be so unwanted and unloved by a company I worked for. Yet they don't respect me but instead treat me as a number in a sea of a million numbers. An invisible face in a sea of faces that will never be remembered by the world at large when they are dead and gone. When their time in the spotlight is over. I applied to several Moms organics these past few days. And it looks like I may have to apply to all the fucking stores to get their fucking attention. I hope I hear something back from them soon. And I hope the news is good because this month has been a shitty month for me. This month was suppose to be a happy month but instead it turned into a nightmare. Everything was suppose to come together in a million different ways but instead, things fell apart. I have to stop running away from my problems. I have to stop watching Youtube on my computer and twitter on my phone. That shit is killing me and I'm allowing it to do so. I'm allowing it on my watch!

My friend, Boxer, is going to the Sugar Candy Mountain Spiritual Center to embark on a 20-30 day plant dieta. Now Boxer is a very hard worker but deep down he feels he is a coward who has a tendency to be a door mat and let others push him around. He wants to find a way, via a plant dieta, to get to the source of why he is a coward and what steps he needs to take to fix what he thinks is ailing him. Which plant dieta/teacher would you suggest for Boxer? Noya Rao? Ayahuma? Ajo Sacha (Mansoa Alliacea) Bobinsana (Calliandra angustifolia) Uña de Gato (Cat’s Claw, Uncaria Tormentoso) Chiric Sanango (Brunfelsia grandiflora) Chuchuhuasi (Maytenus laevis) Renaco (Renaco vine of love) Noya Rao – (Tree of light) Ayahuma – (Tree of the soul) Ojé (Ficus insipida willd) Chullachaqui caspi (chullachaqui caspi)

@puporing A farm assistant sounds very interesting. I'm going to look more into that. Thanks Purporing!

WoW...I see why they call you JoeVolcano! :-) But you're right. I needed that tough love and blunt honesty. Very much appreciated. At the warehouse I was making $17/hr. If I'd had gotten the job at AWS(Amazon Web Services), I would have been making $25/hr and if I would have passed their 12 week program, I would have gotten another promotion. The plan was to move up within AWS. Stay for 10 years. Save a shitload of money in my 401k(got 18k so far, I could have had a lot more if I wasn't such a fucking idiot in my 20's). Keep Investing money in stocks(Robinhood) and Crypto(Coinbase). And when my 10 years are up, quit and start writing full time(fiction novels/short stories/plays or nonfiction). Or find work in South America involving the use psychedelics to uplift the spiritual and well being of those who need the guidance and the healing. As of now, like you suggested, I'm going to go back to ubering until I find something else. Instead of using my car I'm going to uber using a rental(Tesla). Ubering in DC has been good to me in the past, hopefully it will be good to my Tesla in the future. I really want to work at this place: https://momsorganicmarket.com/ The culture at that place has a very stage green/yellow vibe to it. If you know any other stage yellow/green organizations, please send them my way.

Thanks for the kind words Pepper. The physical toll wasn't really a problem. It was the mental anguish that really fucked me up. It seemed like the the write-ups became more frequent the closer I got to my 3 year anniversary.

lol....I was applying to be accepted to their Work Based Learning Program in an attempt to become a Infrastructure Delivery Technician. I applied May 1st. My interview date was on June 27th. I studied for hours preparing for the interview. I was fired June 25th and was told the next day my AWS interview was cancelled due to my termination from the warehouse. I was told that AWS and the Amazon warehouses were not connected, but I forgot that I had applied for an internal transfer so in my case, they were connected and now it looks like I have to start all over again. :-(

My mind is filled with a million different thoughts right now. A million different thoughts and a lot of fucking bad words. I don't know where to begin or where this madness will end because sometimes I think it will never fucking end and my life will forever be a never ending nightmare full of bad dreams and unforgotten regrets. I was so close to getting the job I wanted. So close to getting the promotion I needed. But in the end it wasn't meant to be because the powers that be fired me over something I didn't even do. I didn't do anything wrong. My rate was fine. They just wanted me gone so they can hire someone else and pay them cheaper than what they were paying me. I would have been fine with them simply lowering my salary and kept me employed, but no, they had to go and fire me. Putting my life and career in a state of limbo and possible destruction. Those fuckers are cowards controlled by the white man at the top of the food chain in a jungle that is unfair and unrewarding. I caught myself almost watching porn today. But I stopped myself before I could do anything I would later regret, like masturbating. Now don't get me wrong. I like masturbating and don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, but at the moment my penis is hurting and as long as their is blood in my urine I'll have to cut back on the jerk off sessions until I get that problem resolved. I miss the people I used to dance with all those years ago. I miss ballroom dancing period. I miss the fun times. The laughter. The good times we had together.

I don't have health insurance and that really sucks because my penis hurts and I think it's telling me to check on my kidneys because they need my attention. The doctors say there is blood in my urine but I laughed it off thinking it was due to my masturbation problem. But these days I don't do much laughing anymore. I rarely smile the way I used to when I cum into my sock. Now a days I find myself screaming in rage at the world and it's treatment of me. "I deserve better!!" I yell. But the world doesn't hear me. I actually think it's ignoring me but this just gets me thinking that what if there is a better world out there? A better world with better people with different things to look at and admire? I think I would need to take a lot more psychedelics to get the answer to that question. But I will wait for the time is right to do so because I plan on going to the moon. But I will take others with me. Even you constant reader. Even you. And when we get to the moon we will set up camp and explore the unknown rooms of this planet's universe. And in one of these rooms will be a rocket ship. A rocket ship that will take us to Mars. And in this ship we will find what we need to find and do what we need to do to prepare for the red planet because the red bitch will be a harsh mistress we must learn to understand and love if we are to ever fully comprehend the full magnitude and scope of the universe. If we are to ever love again. I we are to ever live.

I have to uber to make money now because I was fired at a job where I did nothing wrong but work my ass off and keep my thoughts to myself. It sucks because I like working a normal job with normal hours on days when I am tired ubering is going to be hard because I may crash and burn in a place full of burning pins and flaming needles. In a barn full of rubble and bullshit my mother carries around with her every fucking day of her fucking life. I don't think she will miss me when I die because her head is somewhere else in another place I still don't fully understand and don't want to understand because her place of madness makes me angry for the people she could have helped along the way of her journey if she'd only used my father's money for good instead of for greed! I'm not sure what the future has in store for me because I'm afraid to face the truth of my reality staring me right in the face. Daring me to say something to make it feel like it's alive but I don't say anything because I don't know what to say that will make things better or make me feel like I'm less alone in this world. I know I should take a harder look in the mirror at myself but I don't fucking want too because the truth hurts and it's easier if I just ignore the man in the mirror and focus on the people on the tube watching watching videos and reacting to the shows. The Normies are my favorite reactors. I wish I knew them in real life. I also wish I could hang with them and learn what they did to become so fucking successful because it makes me angry seeing them so happy and so carefree. They make it look easy and they seem like they are having fun but in reality I think there are times when they feel broken inside due to the overbearing pressure of the workload baring down on them every day. Pressuring them to perform and I am thankful for their sacrifice. Their struggle. And their amazingly beautiful dream! As of now I am still unemployed. I'm really hoping I get a job soon. At 40 I thought I would be at a better place in my life but the reality is I am a fucking failure who can do more but chooses to run and hide from his responsibility. "The man in the mirror ain't going nowhere boy! You've got to face the truth!"

the mind, spirit and soul? Do you really need to take a psychedelic to properly prepare for a Iboga retreat? I personally think you'd have a more profound experience if you were in great physical shape. I've taken psilocybin(in Amsterdam) and Ayahuasca and 5meo-dmt(in Peru) and while both of experiences were profound, they were not life changing(The 5meo-dmt was more like a cosmic orgasm than a outer body experience, I don't know, maybe I had a bad batch?). To put it in perspective, I've had more of a psychedelic/spiritual awakening listening to all videos on actualized.org than I did on two of those retreats combined. Now granted it was my first time doing psychedelics and I didn't take very large doses. I also didn't know about actualized.org until 2 weeks prior to my first retreat in Amsterdam. I think if I had the good fortune of watching all of Leo's videos before embarking on the retreats, I would have had a much more profound and possibly life-changing experience. Neither psychedelic were very taxing on my body which makes me question whether or not simply taking a psychedelic will properly prepare one for the intense rigors of an Iboga retreat. In my opinion, if I didn't have access to psychedelics, I would prepare by meditating 1-2 hours a day, as well as train as if I were going to spend 13 weeks at boot camp in the marines. Or as if I were going to run a Marathon. Or take part in a Crossfit games event. The last thing I'll say on this matter is when I think of Iboga I think of a stage yellow drill sergeant. He(or she) will most likely yell at you, treat you like shit and come off as an overall asshole, but deep down their is a deeper meaning to the drill sergeant's madness. And at the end of the boot camp/retreat you'll realize the drill sergeant wasn't trying to hurt you, but help you jail break your own mind because our minds don't want to be jail break and will do anything and everything possible to prevent this from happening. The stage yellow drill sergeant understands the immense power of the mind which is why he(Iboga) is so hard on you physically and mentally.

Do you think this is what the mind does when it tries to reject your attempts at jail-breaking? Chopping off the head(s) of the snake will make your jail-breaking attempts futile. I think the key to truly having a successful jail-breaking session is to find out why they keep growing in the first place.