Jonsey

I think I may have to oversleep tonight. I don't want to wake up tired and do something stupid or say something dumb to my uber rider because I'm to tired to know better than to say something I will later regret and come back to haunt me when I least expect it. It's hard to stay awake because writing under the influence of gummy bears is cool, but it makes me sleepy. I hope I fall asleep sooner rather than later because I hate later and I hate the people of tomorrow because they never tell me what I need to know or what to say to the people looking forward to tomorrow and the days beyond the year. I ca barely keep my eyes open. I can't see what I am writing or understand what I am trying to say because everything I'm trying to convey doesn't make sense and the people reading my writing are confused but they won't say that out loud because they know they are dealing with a writer whose thoughts and ideas are in a state of turmoil. A state of madness beyond the multiversal levels of chaos and destruction. My head is hurting. It's telling me to put away my fucking toys and games meant for little boys and girls. I tell my head he's full of shit but that just makes him even angrier. He punishes me even more.

I am getting sleepy because I took those delicious gummy bears and a L-Theanine pill. I got home later than I wanted too and I ubered more than I expected so I had to do things a little differently tonight. I had to do things quickly. Sitting on your ass for seven hours really gives your ass feel like shit. Sometimes I forget to take breaks when I am ubering and I pay the price for it with a sore ass and a stiff body. Trying to find a place to use the bathroom is also a pain in the ass both literally and figuratively. There is often no where to park and the bathrooms are often hidden from plain sight. Finding a restroom in DC is an adventure I do not like because you are trying to find a place to take the pain away. I met a couple from Texas visiting DC on business. They were very nice but they annoyed me because they thought wearing a mask was dumb and I didn't think that was the case but I didn't tell them that because even though they annoyed me they were very nice people and I didn't want to ruin their day by being the asshole driver who lectured them about the importance of wearing masks for the benefit of the community as a whole. But they were from Texas so what else could I say to make them change their minds? Nothing really. It seemed like they were already set in their ways so I just kept my mouth shut and hoped they gave me five stars for my service.

Today was a long day because I ubered with a new car a rented from Avis and it was cool as fuck because I didn't have to worry about the car breaking down but I did have to worry about my AC breaking down on me near the end of my shift. I don't think it's broken. I just think it needed a break. I'm going to try again tomorrow and if the AC fucks me over again I will shut everything down and use my regular car to uber so I can get the last 8 trips for the $170 bonus. And I really want that bonus so I'm going to do what it takes to get what I want. The car runs smooth and I am going to use it as much as I can until I get a regular job or until Moms Organic calls me and tells me I got the job which I hope is the case because I really want the free vegan food and I want to start saving again.

@Arcangelo I'm sorry brother, but I have no choice but to drive for uber because I have no choice but to be a slave because I know no other way out of this madness I put myself in for not seeing the writing on the wall sooner rather than later. My delayed response to my ultimate demise cost me dearly. I thought, at my old job, I had a family . I thought I had comrades in arm when in reality those arms weren't arms at all but chains full of lies and deceit. Chains full of lies and betrayal from the people I thought had my back. The chains held me so far down the rabbit hole I couldn't see what was right in front of me. I couldn't see the writing on the wall because I was blind to the realities of the facts of life. The realities that keep this world spinning whether we like it or not. Whether we care does not matter to the world at large because the world doesn't give a shit about our petty little problems. Our silly little dreams mean nothing to the planet because it's only job is to spin and only spin. And if we die in the process of it's spinning so be it!! It makes no difference to the world. And it'll make no difference to you or I as well because in the end, we will be dead, and the world will be what it will always be a world spinning until the end of time. I know you may find what I am about to say somewhat disturbing, but at this point in my life, I find comfort in being a self imposed slave. Sure I could strive to do greater things but what would be the point of doing those things if they fail to amount to anything great? When the time is right I will take a leap of faith and if I land somewhere that is good and wholesome I will come back for you and I will come back for others so we can create a new world order in a brave new world with brave new things to accomplish and marvel at for the next generation of people who want to be more than uber drivers for the rest of their lives and more than self imposed slaves for the rest of their days. Brother, if I have to lose a thousand battles to win the great war I will do so because I will be doing it for you and those who love you and those who care about the promise land at the end of the rainbow full of sugar and candy on a mountain full of love!!!

Again, I think my interview today went fairly well, that don't mean the fight isn't over and it sure as hell doesn't mean the fat lady is singing. She might be warming up but I don't hear any music coming out of her mouth. So I must act as if I failed to get the job. I must act as if I'm still unemployed, which I am, but I don't want to be because it feels bad being out of the workforce. It feels lonely standing on the outside looking in while everybody's sitting at the table eating fried chicken and drinking wine while the rest of us can only watch in horror as the scene unfolds right before are very own eyes. We watch in horror but deep down we are crying in hunger at the agony of the situation we face in front of us. Our hunger is not for the comforts of food but the satisfaction for a sense of purpose. A sense of justice that may never come because we are too far down the rabbit hole to know whether two legs are good or four legs are bad. If a coin is flipped and one side of the coin is facing down is the side facing up superior to the one facing down?

I think the interview I had with Moms Organic went very well, but I don't know that for sure so I have to keep fighting for my life like my soul depends on it. I have to keep fighting and never give up until the day I reach a place in my life where don't have to work anymore but help people do great things in their life because what's the point of life if you ain't making it what you want it to be? What's the point of anything without a point? There is still a battle to be fought out there in the world against the people trying to put us down saying we can't do this or you can't do that when in reality we can do any fucking thing we want because we are apart of this universe just like anybody else. We have a chance to make it to the mountain top if we believe there is a chance. "You trying too hard hun." "What you mean trying too hard?" "What I'm saying is you doing too much too soon." "What's wrong with that?" "Everything boy! You trying to climb to the top of the mountain when you can barely walk up a goddamn hill!" I know she's right but I don't give a fuck about being right or wrong! I just want to be great!

6 months!! That must have been painful. Did it feel like a long time? Or did you find something in your time of unemployment that made you see things in a different way than before?

I had to take a nap because the cookie I ate made me feel sleepy and it made me feel horny so along with taking a nap I took some time to masturbate a little before I had to get back to work. It's been a long time since I masturbated. And it's been a long time since I've felt horny. It felt good to be horny because our bodies were always meant to feel horny once in a while. I know this because the cookie told me. The CBD talked to me in my dreams and told me what I was doing wasn't wrong. "It ain't no sin baby. It's okay to not be okay so if you got to jerk off once in a while to make yourself feel like you belong in this world and the worlds beyond this one than so be it. Masturbate to your hearts content! Do what you got to do to get out of here and take those you love with you! And take those who need to go. Those who need to see the psychedelic miracle in the flesh. And when you get back you come on back to my house cause we got a lot of work to do." The cookie I ate that got me a little high cost me six dollars and it was very good because it was made with CBD and chocolate chips. Maybe I'll have another one to celebrate if I get the job at Moms Organic. I applied to other jobs but this is the job I want. It is the job I need if I ever want to eat better and save money on food. If I do get the job I'm going to keep investing in the stock market as well as crypto because as of now it is my only avenue out of this life of nothingness. A life going nowhere. I hope in 2 or 3 years the market goes back to the way it was when everything was high and everybody was making a lot of money. When that happens I will cash out. I enjoy taking cbd gummies at night because it makes sleeping that much more enjoyable. I get to see a movie in my mind. I get to see a dream of epic proportions. I get to dream of places I will probably never get to visit. And visit places I can only dream of. My biggest dream is to one day take LSD at the John Hopkins School of Medicine and find out who I am and what my purpose is on this earth and beyond.

Tomorrow is my interview with the people from Moms Organic. A lady at a CBD store in my area gave me some sample gummy bears she thinks will help me get through the interview with a smile on my face. I hope this will be the case because it's hard to smile in these types of situations when you know the people sitting across from you asking the questions are not really smiling but pretending to smile. They are pretending to give a shit and you know this but you don't care because somehow, someway, you have to see this through to the end either die a hero or live long enough to be the villain. The lady behind the counter was very beautiful. I wish I could see her again and talk to her some more but I can't right now because I have a mission in front of me. I have a task I must complete if I ever want to see my dream come into reality. I mean I know I'll see her again. I just wish I could see her sooner rather than later. Now rather than never!!

The ladies on Bumble had every right to ghost me because I had nothing to offer them that captured their imagination. I see that clearly now and if I could see each and every one of them again I would apologize from the bottom of my heart for wasting their time and their energy. I hope they all find what they are looking for and I hope they are all doing well because deep down they all meant well. They had good intentions. I wish it wasn't so goddamn cold in this fucking restaurant. Don't get me wrong. I love Panera bread. It's like a fancy library with a restaurant. I enjoy listening to audio books while walking in the sun. It keeps me awake. It keeps my brain alive to the myriad of possibilities the world has to offer. I just need to be patient and wait for my turn to get on that rocket ship and fly away from this place. I just hope the place I go to is the right place for me and when I find that place, tell others about it. And when others know about it we can do things to change the world for the betterment of humanity. I want to create a psychedelic paradise. A psychedelic paradise of dreams!

I want to watch Miss Marvel on Disney+ because I have a lot on my mind I want to unload and watching shows like Miss Marvel does a great job at putting my mind at ease. When I watch her I don't think about my credit score going down or my credit card debt going up. I don't think about the miles I'm putting on my car ubering people back and from from city to city. Place to place. Person to person. I don't think about anybody but the woman on the screen doing things that make life look so fucking easy and so goddamn enjoyable. It is like she is living in a different universe than me. A universe full of promise. A universe full of adventure and mystery. It's like she's living in a galaxy far, far away. A galaxy my heart can't touch because my mind is lost in the darkness of my anger. Every time I think I'm getting close to the tipping point of happiness something happens that makes me rethink my views on the world and on life. I have to embrace being in the darkness. I have to love being alone if I truly ever want to fully appreciate the greatness and beauty of the woman on the screen wearing the costume. The woman on the screen can be more than a dream if I decide to wake the fuck up and smell the fucking roses in the garden next to the tower holding everything together. The Dark Tower holding everything, everywhere all at once. I did not drink coffee today and I feel much better than I did yesterday. I know I feel better, but sometimes I wonder if I am better. There are things out there that can help me realize my full potential. Places I could go to that can put my mind at ease. But like Miss Marvel, those places and things feel like they are in a galaxy far, far away. I don't have the money to go to those places and do those things. Maybe when I'm older I will.

Fuck, the coffee is giving me a headache. I knew this would happen but I did it anyway because I wanted the feel of something real running through my system while I engage in something that is a mystery to me. Something that I find challenging and unable to fully comprehend. Temptation got the best of me and I have to "Fight that bastard baby!! Don't be afraid of the monster on the other side of the moon when you know there's nothing on the other side but darkness. The dark ain't gonna hurt you baby." "I know momma." "Than what you afraid of? Why you so scared?" "I'm afraid of what the darkness will show me if I go deeper into the night. What if it shows me something I don't want to see. Something I'm not ready for?" "Baby, if you ain't ready now you ain't never gonna be ready to face the night. It's now or never hun. Now or never!!!" "I choose now momma!!! I choose now!!!"

I told myself I wouldn't be drinking any coffee today but I lied to myself and did it anyway because I am a coward with a weak mind and a weak spirit. I felt I needed the pick-me-up to give me the inspiration to start writing. In reality it turned out this wasn't the case. I was mistaken. I was tricked. I was fooled by the person who I thought I could trust the most. The person I call my ego. The person I thought was my friend. The true me. The "me" beyond the reach and scope of my ego wanted to come here to work on my addictions. Tackle my temptations. Work on my inner demons telling me to do otherwise and I'm tired of fighting them. My thoughts and desires should not be a source of misery and combativeness but a resource for good and wellness. I'm tired of fighting this fight and I'm tired of being tired. But this does not matter to my ego. My thoughts and concerns mean nothing to the bastard because to him I am nothing. I'm not real in his eyes but an illusion of something that could be great if reached to it's full potential. But as of now I'm just an idea that has yet to be fulfilled. An idea the world has yet to embrace and love. I've got a pain in my tooth and I think the coffee had something to do with it. I think the coffee is causing this pain because I can hear my ego laughing at me in the forefront of my mind. He's laughing at my pain and I have to keep him under control because I can't afford to have a toothache right now because I don't have insurance. I don't have the money to pay out of pocket so I have to be careful how I go about doing things I love and the things I like.

I'm at a Panera bread and I just had coffee and now I want a cinnabun but I can't have a cinnabun because it would mess up all the work I've done these past few months. Everything I've worked for would be flushed down the toilet if I give in and eat that cinnabun waiting for me behind the counter. Smiling at me from behind the glass. Begging me to give it some attention. Tempting me to give in to temptation when I don't want to give in to temptation, but the bastard is making it so hard to resist. But resist I do because I have a job to do at this restaurant and it's not to eat food and drink fancy drinks but to write crazy shit and think profound thoughts I would have never dreamed of thinking if I was alone in my room where everything feels alone and very empty. When I am here, sitting in the restaurant, drinking my coffee. I feel connected to the world around me. I feel a sense of purpose I don't feel when I'm alone in my room sitting in a chair that feel uncomfortable. Sitting in a chair with no desk to call my own. Everyone will call me a loser if I give in to temptation. They will say I am a sellout and they would be right because I would be a sellout not only to myself but to the people around me who love me and want me to do well.

I really want to eat that muffin I bought from moms organic getting cold in the refrigerator but I told myself I was going to stop eating shit at night and that's what I am going to do. But it's so fucking hard man!! I have to wait until tomorrow morning and this makes me angry because I don't want to wait. I want my muffin now! "That muffin ain't your friend baby." "I know it's not my friend but why do I need a friend to feel good?" "The same reason we need air to breathe." Damn. Who would have thought food could drive a an crazy? It makes me say things I later regret. Think thoughts I don't really mean to think and say but when I look back on those thoughts I see things I don't want to see but have to see because they are a mirror into my mind. A mirror full of cracks and holes. A mirror falling apart right before my very eyes because the man behind the glass can't keep it together. He's falling apart. Screaming at the top of his lungs. Breaking everything around him. Shattering the mirror into a million little pieces until there is no mirror left but a forgotten memory full of regret and discarded dreams. The mirror can be put back together but what about the man's heart? What about his soul?

I wish I could get the fuck out of here and never come back but that can't happen right now because I've got too much shit I've got to do first before I can drop everything I have and leave this fucking universe for another one that is more peaceful and more tranquil. This world is full of amazing things to see and do but I can't see and do those things because I am fighting an uphill battle against a mind that is doing it's best to hold me back from reaching my full potential. It's keeping me from going to the places to find the answers I need to get where I want to be to fight the people in power hoarding all the money using it for stupid shit like golden toilets are big ass stupid yachts. Why the fuck does that motherfucker need a boat that fucking big? Which village is he trying to feed? Certainly not his fucking workers.

I bought some CBD gummy bears today from a store I read about online that had good reviews. They said the store was a great place to shop and boy were they not wrong. The ladies behind the counter were very nice and told me everything I needed to know about getting the right kind of gummies to help me sleep because for the past few months something inside my room has been keeping me awake. Something or things have been crawling all over my body. It feels like I am being attacked by the buggers of Ender's nightmares. The discomfort isn't too bad but it's there and I have to find a way to eradicate the problem. I hope these gummies help me sleep because I really want to be rested for this interview I have coming up in a few days. This interview will make or break me and I was not made to be broken. So I'm going to make things happen and show them I am not a broken man. I was born to be made!! I wish I could drop what the fuck I am doing and go somewhere far away from here. This place is starting to bore me. I'm growing tired of the people who surround me, doing the same thing every day. Eat the same foods. Watch the same TV shows. I don't see how they have kept their sanity for so long. I'm not sure how long I can keep my from crumbling under the weight of the monotony. I miss my babies. I miss playing with my nieces.

I've learned that sleep is a superpower and in order to get the most out of this superpower I can't force it to love me but allow it to come to me with open arms. If I allow it to love me, it will love me back and reward me with sweet dreams and beautiful nightmares. The nightmare that haunts me the most in my dreams is the nightmare of being unemployed forever. Until the day I die. I can't allow that to happen. I have a plan I want to see put in action but I can't if I'm not allowed in the room.

I've started going to bed earlier than usual because it's the only way I know how to solve my problems in my life dragging me down and making me tired and angry when I have no business being so when there are people in this world who are so beautiful and so kind to one another. It is up to be to be a shining beacon of hope to those who need it. To a planet struggling to survive in a world filled with distractions and temptation. When the world is crying we must be the heroes to stand tall and wipe away her tears. To let her know we are there for her and will always be by her side when she needs us. We must love her like we try to love ourselves but we can't use porn to do so because my momma told me that was nasty as fuck and was a stupid ass idea so I'm not going to use porn to save the planet. I'll use it for myself when I need a pick me up.

I made good money today driving for uber. I realized I didn't have to work as hard to make the kind of money I need to survive. I thought I would have to drive to DC from Manassas, VA every day to make good money when in reality I could make what I need right here in Manassas. This is a relief because I was really worried about the wear and tear I would put on my car if I had to make that drive every day. I realize now that as long as I am patient the trip request will come to me. If I can make 70 dollars a day I can make $2000 a month and if I rent a car I can make a lot more. I will be able to drive longer and drive in DC more often than I do now because right now I live in Manassas and it takes me an hour to get to DC and I don't like putting all those miles on my car. Right now my car has racked up 137k miles. It's a 2015 Hyundai Accent. I had my hopes and dreams on renting a Tesla to uber but that's not going to happen because those fuckers are hard to get and I can see why. They are fucking sexy!! Every time I see one drive past me on the road I nearly get a hard on and sometimes there's a customer in the car with me so I really got to be careful how hard I get because if I get one that won't go away in a timely manner it could be really bad for my rating and I don't want that to happen because I really need this job to make money. I have no idea how my interview is going to go with Moms organic. I'm going to be interviewed by three people!!! I mean what the fuck man!!! I'm starting to wonder what kind of job I signed up for. Oh well, as long as they pay me I'll do whatever I'm told.

Fuck man! I wish I'd gotten into crypto earlier. I wish I knew better but I didn't and now I'm paying for it because now I'm the losing team playing from behind against a team that knows I'm a fucking loser and knows I should have done my homework when I was younger and could move like a gazelle and fuck like a lion. But I ain't that lion and I am no gazelle. I'm just an ordinary man trying to make sense of a world that seems hell bent on making things confusing for me and others who are trying to do right by the planet and the people who inhabit it. I want to trade options but I find it confusing. Buy! Sell! Call! Put! So many fucking combinations. So many ways things could go wrong and lose a lot of fucking money. I think I'll paper trade before I do any heavy lifting but if I can crack the code of options I might just be able to crack the code of life and all it's mysteries and secrets. I wish I could afford to eat more than what I am eating now but that's the cost of being a vegan I guess. I would find it more enjoyable if I could binge on vegan food the way I binge Netflix. It's funny because being hungry makes me want to go to bed sooner than later so I can make the hunger pains go away. I take 400mg of L-Theaine every night. It helps me sleep and have really wild dreams.

Awesome video...and an even more awesome man!!!

I think I have a real shot at getting this job at Moms Organic if I can relax and tell the kind of story I want to tell. A story that will capture their imagination. A story that will soften their hearts. I don't know how much longer I will be able to uber. I don't know how many more miles my car can handle before I have to get a new one. I really want to get a Tesla but I don't know how I am going to pay for the down payment. I tried renting one to ride for uber but that was a fucking joke. When I went to pick up my car the bastards told me they were sold out. I asked them "why the hell didn't you tell me before I drove my black ass al the way here?" The lady behind the counter just looked at me and shrugged. "That's it!? That's all you have in response for an answer?! A fucking shrug!?" She told me she was sorry and I had to come back another time but I knew she wasn't sorry but I didn't hold it against her because I also knew she was doing the best she can with what she got. We all try to do the best we can with what we got but sometimes it's just not enough and we have to do better and when doing better is not an option, we have to look at ourselves in the mirror and ask ourselves what is it that is missing inside me that is preventing me from reaching my full potential? What obstacles are in my way? What roadblocks are slowing me down? I won't get a Tesla today. I may not get it even tomorrow. But someday in that glorious time we call the future I will have my Tesla and I will have the world as well!

Well @Arcangelo I hope your 40's are treating you well and you are in good health and stable state of mind. As you can tell from my shitshow of a journal, I'm having a little trouble adjusting. But thanks for the kind words.

I have an in-person interview with Mom Organic on the 15th of July. It's going to be an hour long so in order to be successful I will need to treat this like a Joe Rogan interview. If I relax. Be personable and put on a good show I should be okay. This would be a lot easier if I didn't stutter. But it's something I've had to live with all my life and is something I will continue to live with until the day I die and "that ain't a bad thing baby! As long as you living you winning the game of life and you got the chance to win more as long as you keep on doing what you got to do to survive." "But I want to do more than survive momma." "Shit, we all do boy! Why you think we do the things we do to get through the day?" Maybe if I learned to love my flaws and embrace my disability I wouldn't feel so disabled and so angry all the time. Thinking about anger, I still think about those assholes at Amazon. Those fake cocksuckers should be embarrassed. They could have given me a warning but it is not in their nature for cocksuckers to do so . Damn, I really want to eat some food right now but I can't because I am on a diet and I have to eat a at certain time of the day. If I get the job at Moms this will make things a lot easier because they will give me free food and the food will be vegan. I wish I was able to make more money so I can save up sooner to retire from working every day.