Epiphany_Inspired

I just got the "codependency no more" workbook (second-hand).... but unless you are religious, I wouldn't recommend it.... it uses a 12 step thing with "god" and "higher power" like AA. I have been trying to gain anything I can from it by replacing "higher power" with "universe", but another book/tool would be better. So besides that book, these 5 steps to mental strength help: 1. Evaluate core beliefs (especially ones based on past, things that may have led you to this) 2. Expend mental energy wisely (limit those narcissists etc, focus on productivity/creation, helpful topics, etc) 3.Shift thoughts to productive too (mindfulness, stopping negative before it really spirals) 4.Tollerate discomfort (cold shower therapy, stepping out of comfort zones as much as possible on purpose) 5. Emulate your higher-self, behave as closely as you can, to the person you would be without co-dependency (how would you respond, how would you re-direct your thoughts, even visualize your mannerisms, and how you would dress, eat, walk, etc,... then check that you're on track daily) Please let me know if you find any other tools/ books too!

I'm always going to go with Bucky, Buckminster Fuller's solutions.... also, The "venus project" is pretty cool: the idea is to evacuate cities, and re-use the materials for more sustainable cities (how they would get the people to leave is the challenge). The designs are gorgeous and the principals of these new societies are equally beautiful. It was Jacques Fresco's life purpose to create this, and he worked really hard, it's pretty amazing. These new utopian cities (on land and at sea) would solve problems like drinking and driving, by having the car sense the erratic driving, safely pull over, and stop.... but I doubt anyone would drink in such an awesome place where all of your survival needs are taken care of, and everyone is all about their life purpose!

@Henri Thanks so much! I love "there is no conflict", as long as that remains true on my end that will work (conflict takes two). I will focus on all that you suggested, it sounds ideal! To answer your question: Mediation is "pretty much" mandatory. Consider; one parent wants to take an out of country vacation with the child (and the border patrol has no way to confirm if it's ok), or, an important medical decision comes up (the hospital needs to know which parent or if both parents can make choices), registering for school, stuff like that. I don't think there is a secret police trying to track anybody down, but as soon as something comes up, and there is no agreement, getting one would then be enforced. There are occasionally situations where extremely reasonable, highly co-operative parents have an informal agreement that they don't feel they need to sign with a lawyer, this is apparently rare and not "binding" in any way. So far, I have not talked to any professionals (other than the psychologist) about the father in a negative way. I will take great care not to speak like that, I see your point, I see why I need to be cautious. I am starting to see that my last paragraph is irrelevant too (fear just tries to make it appear relevant). I will accept that power, that no-one can come between me and my child. I will live more confidently because of that knowledge, thanks so much!

@Henri Thank you so much! You've made so many amazing points. I think the key thing you said is; to take away HIS fear. When I have my own fear (usually a triggered response to other people's anger) I often loose sight that other's anger also comes from fear. I will have to brainstorm how to gently do that, how to get across those ideas; "three lives at stake", etc.... Thank you! I don't want to take too much of your precious time , just a couple quick questions; By "on my own" do you mean completely, or with the psychologists help? (I may only get one more session, he is not acting co-operative/ rational) What sort of time-frame, or development milestones, would let me know that we are at the point where mediation could take place (unfortunately, at some point we'd need to have an agreement, at least with basic parenting schedule/ medical decisions, etc)? Yes, I do NOT want to get into child protection from my end, against him (despite the abuse directed at me, and resentful comments that are indirectly damaging to child). Men (or the "non-attachment parent") can take control back in these situations by making the mother out to be "unfit", (this is the only way they can get 50/50 or sole custody). I would not go there mentally (fear), but he has already suggested this (me/ my cabin = "unfit/ unsuitable"). I have anxiety if I feel spied on, (i was stalked and filmed for 4 years, plus childhood physical abuse trauma). It's pretty easy for someone to make me look "crazy" by spying, or being really aggressive (he has been reading my mail, listening to my phone calls, abusive). My home is not unfit, has power, water, etc but it is very unusual (round), and quite rustic (unfinished floors, composting toilet). I am not unfit, responsible, competent, nurturing, loving etc, but I do have anxiety (I take responsibility for this situation, and I am the calm rational one, but my anxiety is still triggered). I have been putting every effort in, to think positively and ignore this, but I can't seem to shake an intense "need" to protect my child. My "mother bear" instincts far surpass my instincts for my own survival (fight or flight). This desperation to have everyone know that myself and home are "fit" etc, is likely making things worse. What do you recommend for this (in addition to meditation and positive thinking etc)? Yes, leave money out of it, at least for now, 100%! Thanks so much!!!

Thanks so much Henri, sorry I'm such an English-speaking-blabber... lol... 1. Separated (like divorcing, but for "common-law" = considered married because we have a child) 2.Yes, we are living on the same property for another 2-3 months (for me= bills $, for him= time to find a good home, lots of motorcycles etc to move) 3. I see daughter mainly, "attachment parent", he sees daughter some evenings and sometimes on weekends (his choice when) 4. His plans: to buy his own home with shop for motorcycles, has been approved for mortgage, but needs to find right place (wants to reconcile still) 5. Verbally/emotionally abusive, uses coercive control with me only, never abusive to child directly (family history, same abuse/ control w/ parents, wish I spotted sooner). All his family members have addictions too, EX had developed alcohol dependence after child was born. Has quit alcohol, but he is not truly working on his development, and verbally abusive/ control attempts persist. I am in no way concerned about dividing assets etc,... My concern is my child. She is very young (2-3), and I am the "attachment parent" she is bonded with. She should be in my care, with " short frequent visits" for him. If things go adversarial, he has threatened to go for 50/50 sharing her (likely for control, and to give me less support $). That is not in her best interest. We also have opposite values when it comes to raising her, education, medical, etc, I am willing to compromise on many things, but some choices re; raising her would effect my core values. How to I keep her mainly in my care, and respect my parenting values best? Lawyers, Mediation, or something else?

@Henri Thank Henri. I 100% agree with you! My Child's best interest governs all of my choices as the top principal!... I am making every effort to take full and conscious responsibility, yet I'm still confused re; which actions to take that best fit that ideal re: lawyers, mediation, etc? Relationship: Main reason I ended it, Child's best interest. Non-negotiable action, this decision is best and final. Current Living Situation: I've consulted early childhood educators, and psychologists etc, We are in agreement that although the current bitter comments are far from ideal, it is only for 2-3 more months, and putting my child in the position of having to move, with all the stresses that come along with that would be worse. Someone suggested not living in her current home in front of her and she is still traumatized by even the thought of it. I decided that it's in her best interest not to move (at all, or for at least a year). Do you feel there is a better solution, if so what is it? Work: Obviously I don't think being in daycare with a stranger is in her best interest. I own my land, I can pay my mortgage, we have food and shelter. At the initial point of separation, before I even watched any of Leo's video's, I began sending out tendrils toward my life purpose, with some amazing future opportunities! I was working in this direction until a few weeks go, I am taking an "overwhelmed hiatus" until I get this separation handled. My life purpose is in her best interest too, to have a parent working w/ passion, meaningful contribution and loving intent. Any suggestions? Counselling/Mediation/Lawyers: This is where I am confused. Which action is in HER best interest? I have been too overwhelmed to tap into my intuition, plus my logic and analytical skills are tainted by fear of choosing incorrectly (best for child). Obviously my HIGHER-self should know; adversarial vs. other, but right now, I honestly do not know. When I ask professionals they all say that their route is best. Lawyers and mainstream friends say I should go the adversarial route, mediators and alternative friends say I should go that route, and the psychologist and collaborative law specialist plus my real soul friends think counselling is "worth a try" for the sake of everyone's best interests (especially Child's) to attempt to heal things for better long term co-parenting. That said, I think it is becoming apparent to me that the other parent may not; understand the genuine concerns for child, truly want to evolve, really make an honest effort, etc. If that's the case, (in order to get legal aid), I need to escalate to get $ for mediation or lawyers. Can mediation work with an abusive person (multi-generational abuse/addictions, his whole family)? Is mediation the best choice, and worth the effort, etc? Alternatively, do I need to go adversarial to protect us from damaging comments etc (at least to some extent), or to try and shift the power balance to equal standards (can mediation do this too?). If adversarial is preferred, how does one maintain integrity, insure that their rights are respected etc, without things getting nasty? Thanks so much for your help!

@Sarah_Flagg "What would my higher self do"? was actually in the first paragraph originally...i had to really edit the word count... like minds... I am currently unable to earn enough money to cover everything, but being a mother and landlord = work...I am hesitant to get into the subject more because I am no longer a victim, i'm a survivor... left former animation career because; physical and head injuries, run over twice by delivery truck...I have been in numerous physical and brain rehabilitative programs, still have existing issues with computer, fluorescent, physical...I have been really challenging myself w/ this forum (reading/typing =nausea etc) I had been independent, never dependant on anyone else from age 19 until my late 30's, I take full responsibility for my current dependence. I became dependant on my EX for three reasons (allowing myself to succumb to); coercive control, authoritarian rules about how many cabins I can legally rent for habitation, and pregnancy/motherhood.... anyway, tell me more about what you are referring to by "work", temporary (means to an ends), or life purpose? Means to an end; maybe I could put my child in daycare with a stranger and "work" a low-paying, non-life purpose job, spending most of that income on day care and fuel (live in boonies)... I do have physical and mental limitations, I surpass them often, but they are a realistic hindrance to my employability for a typical "job". i'd rather it was ME teaching/ bonding with my child at this age (2-3), and i'd rather be working on my life purpose from home... it will eventually earn $. Once it's summer, I will have some $ options, plus, the weather is warm enough = low utilities, firewood not needed, etc I will have until October to get my money situation handled. Have you heard of collaborative family law? That is what I am trying to mimic w/ counselling. it includes counselling, mediation, etc using a personal growth for everyone model.... the problem is... legal aid doesn't cover it.... and, i'm dealing with a pretty resistant fellow co-parent....thoughts?

@Will totally agree with you... that said, when I say "truth" (what is a better word for you?) I am referring to the obvious things in everyone's own life that only we/ they are unable to see. For example with your situation... you know that relationship is toxic, your friends probably do too, their friends, etc... likely everybody that comes in contact with them (unless they are really good at pulling off "the fakeries"... ...sometimes people need assistance to take the blindfold off ... often they don't even realize they are wearing it because there is a painting of an ideal world on the side against their eyes.... they can be so deep into the realm of denial, that they are unable to see serious problems such as; their drinking has turned into dependence that is destructive to their health and livelihood etc... my formula is likely judgemental, intrusive, and may even be manipulative... but if you are using it to truly make a positive difference in another's life.... in my opinion it's worth it.... then again, opinion are one of the lowest forms of consciousness, and I am a neurotic sheep myself in many ways... lol....

Sheep won't eat shit....but you pop that shit into the middle of an orchard grass sandwich and they will scarf it down....or at least be way less offended. My formula: 1. the top bread layer: Gratitude (say something from the heart about them that you think is fucking amazing, and mean it!) 2. the inner shit hidden in orchard grass layer: Blunt Truth ( be brutally honest, but use only kind compassionate words) 3. the outer bread layer: Power to the sheep (pump up your belief in them to see the reality, because they are so awesome). I know some will say don't "sugar-coat" the truth....but is truth better ignored or absorbed? ...and yes I know it's subjective....

@Sarah_Flagg @Kelley White Any recommendations?

@Anna I don't think you've fallen that far off track if you are that aware... but it sounds like a tough situation for sure.... wishing you the best... .and, i'll try to throw myself into more uncomfortable situations too, thanks

@Lorcan I think the current low-budget version of sea-steadying is sort of an anarchist thing and they are just tying together old barges, boats, etc.... to form a community....there is also a guy on YouTube (forget his name) that has built a "living island" using plastic that he has pulled out of the ocean ...apparently the soil blocks the UV and keeps the plastic from breaking up into micro pieces...I know, but at least I'm not watching "cute kitten" videos... lol Re: living in the forest... I know what you mean, I admit to that for sure... at the same time, we create our own realities...i'd rather have a healthy forest reality than a city one personally... also, the less I involve myself with the crappy consumer world, the less I feed that beast, it also lessens my child's exposure so that she less influenced, and hopefully better able to make informed choices for her own future reality....

Global Actualization: I believe it was Leo's video about creating an extrodinary life that got me thinking about this topic. This is one of my top three fav Leo videos, but also the only one that really upset me (because of one small part, I think I cried). I know that Leo did not intend what I infered from this video, the upset is all coming from me....Still, I'd like to offer my thoughts, and see if you believe in "global actualization", how it will come about, and what we as individuals can do to help speed it up! At one point in the video Leo talks about how, with inherently easy western lives, we really have no excuse not to develop ourselves. He talked about people in other places making our clothing etc (just to point out that we aren't burdened with these tasks, which is true). I find the quality of "entittlement" annoying, yet as westerners we (pretty much) all are when it comes to not having to make/ grow our own belongings, food, etc. What upset me was; that while these amazing people slave away to the point where they are weary, weak, malnurished, poisoned by the chemicals etc for our easy life, this work takes away much of their will, all of their time, and opportunity making it next to impossible to live their own passionate, purposeful life!!! Of all the hardships and horrors that I knew these people endured, I hadn't thought of that one, and it seemed like the worst one of all... "passion\purpose\actualization deprivation" is the cruelest fate for the soul (far beyond physical suffering in my eyes). Now, I know that Leo likely thinks this inequality is just as crazy as we do. At some point he does talk about actualization eventually becoming feasable for everyone, but he dosen't really say how. I really like "Morphic Resonance"... So, once enough humans actualize, the process would automatically become easier for the rest of the planet through a sort of subtle almost telepathic link (this has been proven with rats, crystals, etc spread across the world)...or perhaps as people become more enlightened they'd stop purchasing slave clothing, food, etc and open doors that way...I don't know...What's your theory?

That's an amazing response, thanks @ImDANiEL your mom sounds incredible! To answer your question, yes and no. I would not want to work in a sweatshop, factory, etc...but I am one of those people that sews some of my own clothes, + makes other belongings, and I grow some of my own food (seasonally) . Yes, I do desire and prefer this ( personalized clothes, superior nutrition, etc). Would I like to spend all of my time sewing, growing, fishing etc. with no time for personal development and hobbies, etc? No, I am very grateful for the abundance here too. I know Leo's video's aren't meant to be " soothing" ( I like that comment), but normally, if they shake me up, it's a good thing... something I can work on, etc...This concept is beyond that...i would love it, if like Leo's other videos, there was some sort of action I could take to "work on this".... @Leo Gura Thanks for your honest response Leo! ....I think, I was hoping for comments with a little more hope.... that said, I'd rather hope be genuine. I personally feel that even though things have improved, the conditions and wages still = slavery, or at least a disturbingly close modern version. Governments may stay corrupt, but I can foresee the continuation of improvements in infrastructure and education.... perhaps in our lifetimes, actualization will even become part of the curriculum!

@Amplituda I think you have given a great answer. I feel anyone with almost any type of anxiety could use this formula by simply replacing " interviews, job, and hired" with words that suit their own situation. For me, my main anxieties come from ptsd after being stalked and filmed for years. Currently I have security related anxiety and I will definitely try this method. @Anna I can relate to working on social anxiety too. I am one of those introverts that friends always mistake for an extrovert, BUT, so far, I can only converse on a relaxed level with people that are like minded and obviously not mainstream ( example; I am practically shaking talking to the lawyer in the suit, but I can blab away with the blue haired stranger with a banjo on her back... like we've known each other forever...lol....) I think once again we could use Amplitude's method and substitute the concept of speaking like friends with ANYONE.... by working hard on this, so far, I'm just making more of an effort to speak with the types of people that I feel I can't relate to....I am still anxious, but at least I'm talking to them... lol... what worked for you?

@loveplay1983 Hey Xuan, nice to meet you too!

I think, as conscious folks often tell me " consider it another tool in your belt". My dear friend and tattoo artist learned, and mastered hypnosis and NLP for the sake of his clients, I can say from personal experience, it helps with pain, relaxation, etc..... so, I can imagine it could be useful for actualization... at the moment I'm not entirely clear how, but I imagine things like combining it with meditation or something....hmmmm.....

@Lorcan I'm all for you being a revolutionary, the worlds need more for sure, I was just saying there is likely more to your path for personal growth... anyway, below I've copied\pasted a comment I made from another thread on this form about escaping society to actualize ( topic posted by luigi1994). I thought you might be interested in this organization/ or concept.... sorry, sometimes when I paste on this forum it crosses things out... I find the parts of mainstream society that are not congruent with self-actualization, can still be learning experiences. That said, I can only take so much of it....that's why I live in the forest, lol. I think you might like "Sea-Steading" (see The Seasteading Institute). It is based on the principal that every time an island breaks off (like Hong Kong, Singapore, etc), they become amazingly productive creators and develop a unique prosperous, abundant community with revolutionary ideas. Their plan is to create communities at sea beyond the boundaries of any countries regulations, where people are free to explore new ideas, new gov't, new technology, etc with no boundaries. The concept art for these micro cities is beautiful, so is the sustainable living from algae production etc, but they don't have the money yet. It's a cool idea regardless, maybe check it out.

@ExitDone I'm so sorry I was unable to read the entirety of your post but I got the gist of it. My mother passed away when I was 17 and by 19 I was on my own too. You figure it out pretty quick....if you were thrown into water you would try damn hard to swim, or at least float....the alternative is drowning, right? I can't offer you any mystical insight at this point in my actualization, but here are some tips from someone that has been there: 1. Assume you can do it, be confident, or at least "fake it till you make it" 2. You are never truly homeless if you have a vehcile (try to get your lisence/ car first). 3. Learn how to cook rice, beans, etc from dried ( buy in bulk) and budget food money for veggies, eating= top priority 4. Set up safety nets other than parents, where you can turn ( community help, etc) 5. Eliminate all addictions ( alchcol is a huge waste of time/ money, so is tv, gamming, etc) 6. Baby step it, don't try to live beyond your means until you are stable ( ex: rent a room before an apartment, etc) 7. Try to have back-ups for everything (places to stay, extra jobs-keep one really part time one for emergencies, etc) It may seem scary, but you will fucking love it! The freedom, independence and growth are just what you need, good luck!

@Clay CurlI always think of mean people like children (it's how they're behaving, right?). This causes a desire to evolve their behaviour with firm yet compassionate consequences. Sometimes these consequences are simple things like less time around me. I have no idea if this is a neurotic response or not..just how I deal with it... I also tend to counter insults with my positive perception of my true self, unless I can see their point....lol....I'm dealing with a person going through difficulty and a "mean" phase directed at me right now too....so this topic really resonates with my life, thanks.... @Ajax I agree with you totally....but the I feel the digging deeper thing may only work with people that you have a really intimate connection with (like your wife). Most people are unaware of the true cause of their insecurities/ anger triggers, and of those that are aware, most wouldn't put themselves in such a vulnerable position to admit it....I like the waiting until " the charge settles" concept a lot. Often time automatically makes things less severe....

It seems, perhaps..."revolutionary" is your life purpose. From what I understand, purpose is key to actualization, but finding your purpose does not automatically actualize you. There is more work for you, resolving neurosis etc....

@Rasmus Thanks for your honest response, it's awesome! This is a post about vegan vs. veggie, so I'd like to try to shift things back to that. I only brought up eating chicken\fish, because I was veggie for over three decades, (which is rare in our culture), and felt my health benefited from chicken/fish, fat/ bone broth, etc. I love many Buddhist philosophies, but I guess I disagree with that one. To answer your question, I do not in any way enjoy killing, I truly feel that if I do it personally with de-braining, I know % 100 that there was no suffering. Animals killed in slaughter houses are often traumatized and suffer when they die. Many people believe you take on that suffering when you eat an animal killed that way (see the work of Temple Grandon on compassionate slaughter). As far as honouring the animal, see First Nations cultures, my beliefs with; respect, honour, and compassion when eating animals are akin to these traditions. Thank you for asking so respectfully, I really appreciate that. @Neill Bolton I could elude to the possibility that your aggression could potentially stem from a lack of proper omega intake... @Phocus Instead, I'd like to respond respectfully, even though I feel Neill may not have been giving me that same courtesy (telling me not to even bring up my perspective, etc) @Neill Bolton The "great vegan honey debate" has changed the definition of vegan through many sources. Humans, our world, and our language/ definitions evolve perpetually....that's what actualization is really, evolution.... perhaps you could consider this.... or not... I agree, there is no " method" of slaughter that respects an animals life. That respect comes from within your heart and soul (like I said above, see First Nations culture). There are too many examples to post, plants do feel, in my opinion, it's not nonsense. Re: your statistics comment, thanks for sharing that. It now seems apparent that your real "beef" is with mass-meat- consumption, animal agriculture, corporations, etc. I am a big supporter of the concept that an individual CAN change the world, and I appreciate that you are trying to reach us (Rasmus and I) on an individual level... that said, we both consume very few animal products. You'd likely have a more meaningful, substantial, impact if you focused your efforts on; the animal industry heads, individuals that eat meat regularly, those that are ignorant and are making unconscious choices (normal/mainstream folks that no nothing about your statistics, etc). People on this forum, for the most part, are at least making conscious choices about eating animal products or not. My daughter was just having a tantrum that we'd run out of her fav vegan cheese (made from pea protein), it alerted me to the fact that I don't have time and energy to continue this, so I won't be commenting anymore....although I do respect this debate, thanks for your time as well.

@PhilipIt's been a while since I asked that question, it's unexpected but I'm happy to get such an awesome answer.... very insightful, I'm sure you are 100% right, thanks! Admittedly I'm still a little confused though... about how the faulty programming happened in the first place.... if, as you said, we are less trusting of others opinions, how did the opinions of others mess up our subconscious in the first place.... is it because we were too young/ trusted more in childhood, or is it because negative things repeated by the same external person or multiple external people could eventually sink in simply because of the repetition (just like affirmations)... or some other crazy reason I haven't even thought of yet....?

Thanks for the thoughtful replies @Phocus and Rasmus. @Rasmus I was shocked to read that you eat meat, my judgement had pegged you as "wouldn't hurt\ eat a fly", ha ha..I agree with you, those that choose to eat insects may no longer fit the standard definition of vegan... in the beginnings of veganism things were a lot more rigid, religious even. Currently, here on the west coast of BC where vegans are VERY common, the modern definition simply means a person that doesn't eat dairy or animals (it's normal to eat honey or take krill oil). Perhaps there could be types of vegan, the same way a vegetarian that eats fish is a "pescatarian", there could be a new term for insect eaters that avoid all other meat, "bug-o-tarian" "insecto-vegan"...lol...The "feeling pain" thing is perhaps a topic for an additional post... but there is emerging evidence that plants feel pain too ( an example is that trees feel the loss of their fallen comrades and continue to send nutrients to neighbour stumps long after death). Even water is known to react to positive vs. negative comments, music etc...Everything in nature is alive and connected. I think the message I have for this community is; regardless of what you are eating, plant or animal, respect it's life, and honour it's sacrifice\death. 1. Has the plant or animal lived a natural, preferably organic life? Was the plant/ animal\ animal product (dairy) altered in any way ( GMO\hormones\antibiotics\etc)? 2. Do you feel the plant/animal lived a "happy" life in good conditions (plants=good soil, light, water, animals= pasture, light, quality food, love, humane treatment)? 3. Did the plant/ animal die or "get milked" with honour? For plants you can choose things grown and harvested sustainably, preferably mostly by hand from small farms. For animal milk, in my opinion, you need to go to the farm and see for your self, even if it's the pasteurized stuff at the store, go see. Food animals, you could choose animals raised well, that are killed with compassion and honour. One thing that helped me with deciding to eat chicken, was learning to take the animals life myself with the de-braining method (so that they died instantly with no suffering, and so that I could personally honour their life). If you are unable to slaughter the animal, you could choose to buy from farms that accompany their animals to the facility and ensure that everything is humane ( the animal is calm, does not suffer, does not witness other animals dying, etc). To answer the initial question, veggie or vegan, let your personal ethics, and desire for sustainability guide your choices... the rest will follow...

There is a Tedx on turning affirmations into vision boards, also, many people combine visualizations and affirmations. I think that combination is something to strive to perfect, rather than trying to separate those functions.