The_Searcher

@RendHeaven Haha, found this topic and that youtube video. Checked a few videos and here I am. Since timing was right might as well share it.

I just came across dude who "debunks meditation" and has snippets of @Leo Gura video. He uses research and rationalization to prove that people has some bad experiences with meditation and how it's evil. Might be interesting to look at. Of course people have bad reactions if their life or past is a mess. It's like spiritual path should be smooth lovely sailing by religious people(grossly generalized). Any thoughts? https://youtu.be/T0Sbs0YOGk8 Also, @Leo Gura ,you probably know that Steven Bancarz, And Your Mate Tom challenges(which is decent guy from my perspective) your beliefs on a podcast. Would you be interested or is it just waste of time for you?

I hope this story isn't too much of a mess, but I'll try to be as much understandable as I can. About 2,5 years ago I got very drunk, like almost psyhedelicly drunk in a wierd way with my friend. Another morning I woke up and I had a strong intuition that my life won't be the same since that day. Couple weeks later I had vivid dream that my friend and other friends will come together. Which it did. I fell in love with my friend (with one i dank with), but she didn't want anything more. Since she become friends with my friends I ended up spending a lot of time with her. It was very stressfull time, becouse I spending time with whom I in love with but she was cold and distant. Also at that time I started to have deja vu feelings like everyday and I didn't know what they meant. Time went and my relationship with my friend got better. My time became very adventureous. Like how I even doing this shit, how I'm not afraid? Started smoking weed, traveling, having fun, basicly taking every opurtunity to have an adventure of some sort. And then my friend fell in love with my other friend. Basicly shit went down even more. I really wanted to end all connections with her, but I was in love, naive, afraid to lose friends, also time was very stressfull but also so awesome. I moved to a different city to go to collegue and my friends became couple. Eventually I cut her out of my life and stopped talking to the other friend. Had a very bad panic attack on an edible, my voice shook, I felt like I don't know where I am, confused and scared. Collegue went down, becouse I started to have a very bad panic attacks in a lectures. I started to have very weird feelings, feeling like i don't know where I am(but actualy I know just don't feel like I know), consciousness shifting (imagine like beeing on different drugs as time passes), seeng as objects don't exist behind object that's obstructing it,feeling like something is seems too real or not real at all, tunnel vision, confusion, panic attacks. All theese feelings had quality that they are not real, but frightening non the less. Some of them occured more frequently than others. Also I became hyperensitive to substances like caffeine, vitamin B(feeling overstimulated), alcohol(doesn't fell as good as before). My friend broke up and our relationship came back. Came back to my city, got academic holiday, been on antidepressants. Now I feel way more normal than before, but I wonder what happened to me? Is it becouse of my heartbreak? My so called adventures?(Keep in mind i had social anxiety and I have no idea how I survived that) Was that becouse of my horrible weed trip? I still can't find an answer why I feel theese things. Sorry for the messy story. If you want any clearance or more details I'm happy to tell. I just want to know what's wrong with me. Thanks for anyone answering.

My mom and later I sheldered myself. I have a lot of regrets that I could've done this, or that but I was shy, fearfull, etc. It always made me sad after that. I just couldn't do any bolder action. And I can't uderstand now who am I really? This actually living adventorous guy or shy and quiet individual. My whole life experience tells me that I'm shy and quiet and the reason my friends got me into theese uncomfortable but awesome situations most of the time. But I wish I coud be more free from my limmiting shyness and other stuff like that. I guess I just believed my limmiting beliefs for so long it became my reality, but not quite sure yet, as @Nahm ,@bejapuskas agreed on. So you're right. How can I know if I really am this adventurous? Sounds stupid, but I don't know. Espetially when time showed me that I am shy, fearfull, etc.

When I don't give attention to that, not knowing is not impacting me emotionally. Not quite living the truth that I don't actually know anything, so self distraction works. It's like if you for example there is some kind of riot, you know it is happening somwhere far and you not affected by it. But if you went there and experience it everyday situation would be different. When I don't give attention to "I don't know anything actually", I feel like I know. I woudld probbbly foud a lot of disgusting, shameful, stressful, regretful things if I dug deep enough. Quite a lot of things I've done 2,5 years ago as I mentioned seemed crazy to me. Like what was I thinking? To a "normal" person it probably not to much of a big deal, but I'm introverted, shy, reserved person and not much crazyness was been in my life before. I assumed that this period was my shadow that causes me to have theese feelings. Really not sure anymore, but it might been some kind of fertile ground to flourish my bad feelings.

Have to have open mind for this forum I am curious about lots of things. But when I glimpse "begginer's mind" my mind goes "that's dangerous, you got to know". Preaty neurotic, like still living in survival. Preaty hard to explain of memory how it feels, but hope you get what I mean. Not really researched shadow work. So how I understand shadow work is you basicly let go of your past, all the things you sweeped under the rug, let go old and not beneficial ways of beeing, forgive all hurt, trauma, neurocies, etc. It's like untie yourself what happened in a past what's holding you back to live now. Is my crude definition right?

Very Interesting point, you showed me really interesting mindset. Becouse I do belive, that I'm weak, fearfull, a bit insane, not capeable of doing some things myself, and other stuff. Just to be clear, it's not becouse of the past, but present beliefs that makes me feel this way? Thank you for guidence, I will contemplate over your self questioning. When i had panic attacks I really had no idea what's happening to me, but I getting better. I'm still confused about it. Well it souds normal to me what @Nahm said. That's why I'm here on this forum. I have had glimpses of "I don't know anything" but my mind kicks in with "I have to know". That's probably becouse my "begginers mind" is very half assed yet. Indeed my mind is a mess. What I'm gettig is go through my whole belief system? Do shadow work? Right?

@Nahm Yeah I see that thoughts impacts my emotions. And I'm better now. But I'm not over it yet. Sometimes I get some of theese bad feelings out of a blue. Is it that becouse I unconsciously think something? I want to end theese insane feelings, panic attacks, anxieties, sensitivities. But don't really know what really causes them and how to actually end them.

I've done forgiveness work on her with recent Leo's episode. My relationship with my mother is good, we are quite close. Thankfully my mom uderstood my weird problem and all theese feelings. I didn't looked into the dynamic how I fell in love so I don't have a full picture. Two things I noticed that helps me feel love for someone is solving someones problem(mostly emotional) and appreciation. Thanks for answering!

Yes indeed. I lived with social anxiety my whole life, so I know it's not desease. I become very self conscious in social situations, like most of us who experiences social anxiety. When my anxiety was goint through the roof I was thinking a lot of "What's wrong with me?", "How can I end theese horible feelings?" and actually trying to mentaly solve a problem that causes me to have horrible anxiety. But more I thought and tried to solve the probel the worse it got. But I couldn't stop trying to ponder. I was confuesed what even the problem is. Is it what I've done, is it my bad trip, is it constant stress? Basicly felt like chicken witout head trying to solve a anxiety problem that i didn't know. Me myself coudn't do what I did with theese pople, becouse i feel anxious. I kind of forced myself into situations where I wasn't comfortable (maybe tha's what backfired me with anxiety later?). Also my love was quite obssessive to be honest. I feel like I could awesome becouse of what i forced myself into with a big help of my friends that get me into all theese uncomfortable situations. The big problem that theese bad feelings limit me very much but also I think that feelings came from what I've done in a past(stress, weed, heartbreak, uncomfortable situations). I woud've liked to do psychedelics even before all tis happened, but now I fear becouse of insane feelings and sensitivity to certain substances. I feel lik I would go insane. But maybe if my intention was strong, dosage low, I could get some insight of what's up. Anyways thanks for answering! Appreciated.