Jay Ray

@martins name I love this. Thank you for sharing this.

@Bodhitree Awesome. I really want to focus on one thing like leo's life purpose course says but my OCD gets in the way. I constantly doubt if I made the right choice. I want to find that one thing but I constantly question "Why did chose X in the first place why not Y or Z??? What is the point of doing X?"

I have become aware that I have a spiritual ego, one that comes out to claim everything as "mine" or "my great ideas". Some days, I feel this feeling of genuine presence and I feel close to having less of an ego, I feel more connected with everything that I see. This feeling is a very good feeling. However, many days I catch myself doing this sneaky little trick. I will be contemplating and possibly have some kind of insight or get an analogy to comprehend some kind of truth and then a little voice will come in my mind and say something like "wow, you are so smart how could you have come up with such a great analogy?" this voice interviews me like I am an accomplished celebrity and my ego goes "well, I generally think more deeply then the average joe about spiritual stuff." or "well I just cant stop thinking so that is something that I have that others (less spiritual people) don't have." this fake interviewer in my mind praises "me" and wants to know "how did I get to this super spiritual state?" and thanks me for "my (future) contribution to all of man kind" .... maybe they will make a statue of me in my honor someday... maybe I will be the next buddha or Eckart Tolle .... When this happens, I notice something, my state of happiness and peace goes down dramatically, I feel a little knot in my solar plexus area and my emotional state goes to a place that I would call "boredom+" it feels slightly better than boredom. Then from this emotion, I realize that I have been bragging in my mind about "how spiritual I am or will become in the future" and this feeling sometimes has a lot of momentum and can be hard to stop if it gets going. Even when I notice it the "bragging train has left the station" and getting back to the peace I had when I wasn't doing this feels hard. when I become aware of this voice I then think "oh wow! I have been bragging and boosted my spiritual ego for 20 minutes and now I feel pretty bad". I want to get back to the state of humble awareness and peace that I had when I wasn't not bragging to an imaginary interviewer on how "spiritual I am". During this state there also seems to be a feeling of lack and that "I need to do something or BE SOMEBODY great in order to be a good person or get good karma or something". I sometimes feel like I am not enough and that time is running out for me to "do great things". It tells me that "If I don't teach other about spiritually quickly then something bad will happen." which I know is ego BS but I am wondering what I should do going forward. I am becoming aware of this part of my ego and I want it to stop because it lowers my emotional state to boredom+. I sometimes feel like there are moments when I feel like I am lesser than others and that I have made unforgivable mistakes in my life and that I am worthless because of that, my ego reminds me of this and it seems like it "needs these bragging fantasies to feel better to feel like a SOMEBODY" but it just makes me feel worse. I sometimes feel like failure. I feel bored and unsatisfied and I want to transcend this. I want to be free of this voice and feel worthy. This egoic voice says "once you do something great, then you will be worthy of love." I am not sure what to do next. Any thoughts?

@Tim Ho That is a great point. I bought Leos life purpose course and have finished about half of it so far. I know that having a live purpose will help wonders but "decision paralysis" keeps me down. The amount of decisions and questioning "are you sure that is your life purpose? are you 100% sure." keeps on coming up. I know that helping others in some way is one part of that purpose. Spirituality and meditation too are a huge part of it. Art, creativity and communications are also. I will need to think more about it. thank you

@SirVladimir @Tim R thank you!

Here is a philosophical question that has been on my mind recently. Is dying dangerous? when someone is afraid of any kind of danger, then they are comparing it to death as the ultimate "danger" but if we really think about this from multiple perspectives then it starts to fall apart. "OMG, you don't want to walk down that dark alley at night that is so dangerous!" well what could happen, nothing bad could happen, you could get mugged you get stabled or you could be murdered or kidnaped. BUT is dying dangerous? If dying is safe then really what is dangerous then? If I will be reincarnated for eternity then is dying dangerous or is it safe? if this life is all that I have is death dangerous or is it safe? if there is a stage blue style afterlife is dying safe or is it dangerous? just a philosophical question to ponder, no right or wrong answers what do you think?

aha, I know X for sure! maybe that is true maybe it isnt. but wait I KNOW X to be true....maybe that is the case, maybe it is not the case. I exist, that is true.... maybe that is true maybe it is not. ALL certainty can melt like wax and then harden like wax and then melt again..... or maybe not...or maybe...or maybe not... every single thought you can add "maybe, maybe not" this exercise may or may not melt the ego like wax.

@PepperBlossoms I think in a few different ways. level One the lowest level of though, I have obvious childlike declarations like "oh that is a tree, look there is a bird. look there is a blue car". this level of thought is a simplistic "this is, that is he does they do" kind of thinking which goes unnoticed most of the time because it is less helpful but from this state comes more complex though patterns and ideas. level two is like comparing and contrasting these observation with cultural and moral judgements without deep realization on the flimsy nature of them . "Hey that is a tree and that is mundane and boring. Man I want to get a sportscar right now because with that I could be somebody and people would like me". this is kind of like the egoic though patterns that pops in my mind sometimes. level three is a deeper awareness of these thoughts "Hey I just had a moral judgment that said I need a sports car in order to be whole which doesn't make logic sense if extrapolated to the past when people didn't have sports cars and they were probably fine and dandy without them." "oh look there is a very vague picture in my minds eye of a character who looks like me but has some differences in a sports car with a big smile and then another thought of that same man without one and looking really sad. This mental character is not me and if I really wanted to I could changed this picture and add elements to it like a video game and change my emotional state because of it. I now see this mental image of a man happy and poor without a nice car or looking happy. I can control my ideas of " I have found that going back to level one is a great meditative place and level three is also great. level 2 causes all kinds of trouble.

@Chimera I personal have explored this a lot myself. It is possible to meditate on your private parts and have a very powerful orgasm without any touch at all. I have experienced a state of meditative orgasms at least 15-20 times and they are amazing. So much more powerful and longer than regular ones. though I think I may be addicted to them.

I had a realization of a meditation technique that can reduce your fear of the future. sit quietly and focus on each breath. Try to breathe and inhale not in a cyclic normal pattern but only inhale when you feel like you need to. It can be arrhythmic and random. Think of each inhale as a gift from God. A tiny hit of life that you need to live. If you feel like you don't need air this second wait a few seconds to breathe. Don't try and force a lack of air but take only what you need from the air and no more. now, think about this if you are experiencing fear of the future. right now as you are breathing every future moment that could happen requires that you take that breath. If you don't breathe for 10 minutes then you are dead... that simple... Your future moments that your ego is afraid of are all resting upon the act of breathing. Remember, 10 minutes without an inhale and that future fear is no more. wiped out of the face of earth. think about all of the thing that you fear that may happen in the distant or near future. relationships breaking loved ones dying the world ending not "being good enough" not passing your classes wasting your time wasting money accidentally hurting other peoples feelings anything else that could go wrong Remember.... when you exhale that all you have is at most 10 minutes and no more. All of these fears of the future take a very long time to witness and unless you take the breath that you need you wont be able to experience them. Hopefully, this should bring your fears of the distant future to be at most 10 minutes away and will hopefully create a sense of presents and humility that the universe lets you take this breath now and without it your college exam grades or relationships don't matter. Your distant future requires that you take this inhale in this present moment or else it wont happen at all. hopefully this helps

@Striving for more If you have a fantasy about wanting to engaging in stage red behavior maybe you should look at the characters who you want to fight with. I would assume that these imaginary characters serve a few possible different functions. they are simply target practice so that your ego can practice surviving. This is not good or bad. It is just a survival instinct that your mind create in your head with your voice to make you practice for battle which in the past was a useful for evolution. Your lower mind "jedi mind tricks" you into thinking that "you" created this though but in realty it is just buttons in your mind imagine that your survival insights are Jedi mind tricking you into thinking that you want to fight and be strong and when then when someone asks you about it you said "that's nonsense I chose to do that thought" another thing it could be would be is that these mental enemies show a piecee of you that your have suppressed. if you want to kill a bully figure then you hate your own part of yourself that is helpless. just some thing to think about.

@seeking_brilliance awesome, thank you so much!

Wow this is powerful to read. it reminds me of the weird distorted childhood logic that I had when I was like 4 years old. a few months ago during meditation I had that same experience when my inner monolog said "I will never think that spit is beautiful". then a few days later I tried looking at my on spit in the mirror and it looked cool, or alien and mysteriously beautiful and I was shocked that my own spit could look the way it did only buy testing that idea that "it is disgusting" when it is only the cultural idea that it is gross. Maybe an authority figure says that that "this body process is shameful" and it is the shame that causes the suffering. I can almost picture this cheese trip thing in my own mind right now and I want you to know that you are not alone. I have without any substances at all had many many times in my life where I have had distorted weird thoughts and they can be very useful if they are not looked at as "wierd" or "something to be suppressed"

@seeking_brilliance yeah I seem to be able to make the visuals strong quite easily but making them weaker is another story. Alcohol reduces my ability to visualize but that is not a great way to turn down the visuals. It seems like non-resistance and just letting it happen is the best way. Though when these images are creepy or disgusting like bugs and vomit, then it seems more difficult to ignore sometimes. Having a way to turn it off would also be cool. I would be interested if you have the time or a link to a page. thank you!

@seeking_brilliance Interesting, yeah I kinda am dreaming when I am awake. Most of my dreams that I have when I am asleep take place in first person and I have a dream body that is close to my real body. These images I see in the day time have no dream body, nor do they have a character doing the watching them. It is like a random trippy image that is usually flat like a tv screen. On this screen there can be 3d, but it is not like real 3d space time. so it is kind of like a dream but more like a viewing of art on a mental cinema screen.

@seeking_brilliance Im not sure. What is image streaming?

@QandC I also experience this kind of thing but pretty much 24/7 even in normal waking life (in a weak way). Everyday I have a character that I having my minds eye that stays with me through the day. I "imagine/perceive" constant streams of morphing and distorting stuff and characters which happen on my minds eyes with about the same intensity of a song stuck in my head. I have a few questions for you do you see these characters often? do you go through your day in regular life with these character stuck in your head like a song? do you sometimes see just colors and shapes and sometimes see things like memories that have new things added? are you perceiving this right now with open eyes? like for me it could be something like "a man plowing a field with a big red hat" then the big red hat is the key which unlocks slightly different image, that big red hat become a red dress then it becomes a red sailboat on and so for distorting slowly into new images for ever. there are similarities that happen which tie each image together into a stream of trippy visuals in my minds eye. I have created a new vocabulary system to describe these distortions as to create more conceptual distinctions about it and if you would like to I could share them with you. Just let me know. it looks a lot like this music video sometimes

as Jesus said "love your enemy as yourself" but I had a bit of an insight about my mind that others might find useful. I have realized that my ego has created imaginary characters that it keeps using as "target practice" and keeps hating these figures. I just became aware that I was doing this. like I had a super angry trump-supporting d-bag character who "I" the "amazing voice reason" would dish out a fair word of "truth" to. The annoying customer or boss that I "might" see in the future. I would imagine myself debating these fake mental characters as practice for future hatred (which hasnt happened yet in real life yet). then it hit me... love my imaginary enemy as myself. This character is a part of my mind.... my mind just created these fake people in order to create hatred. but it wasn't even real at all. It is just a thought. Also, on tv when I would root for one "good" character to "win" or for another bad character to lose. I would really get lost in the hatred of this fake "evil" characters. the emotions took over me like it was actually happening. one thing that helped me was to named the meta category of "fake character". I call it a Hainge. For me a Hainge is any fake character that my ego creates as a way to enhance separation and increase hatred if done unconsciously. However each Hainge is just a character and can be loved as yourself or hated. It is up to you. if you are having the same experience try this. root for the opposite character while watching a movie. or even better, try rooting for an inanimate object and identify yourself as an object on the movie screen. for example, instead of rooting for the "good guy" to win, root for the buildings on the movie, feel afraid when the building get blown up and be happy when the are fixed or restored. you can identify and focus on ANYTHING. Try it out it is trippy. Be a character's hair or the color green. When there is green on the tv you become happy and when there isn't you become more afraid. if you feel triggered by a Hainge, then try imagining being them. identifying with there beliefs in your mind and try and (temporarily) reverse the hatred back onto your current egoic identity (while being very present of course). all the Hainge wants is unconditional love and so does everyone else in the universe.

I had a bit of an insight on how to get rid of feeling of inferiority, a lack of self worth or feelings of "I don't deserve good things or love". If you feel inferior to others let's call the group of others Group-X. Group-X is all of the people who you belief to be "above or better" than you. This makes you Sub-X or "lower" than others for whatever reason you can think of "not smart enough, not beautiful enough, not mature enough, not rich, ect." So, if you are in sub-X then there MUST be others in this same Sub-x Group. It is literally a 1 in 7.5 billion chance that you are the ONLY person who is in this sub-X Group. That being said, try and look for others who you would think of as also in this sub-x group Maybe it is that you think you are lazy and unmotivated...there are hundreds of thousands of people who also feel that way, what would you say to a person in your same shoes? think about your actions if you saw them in another person, would you react the same way that your ego reacts to you? If you think that you are less then someone because they can out preform you in a skill, like guitar for example, then there must also be many many others who also can't play the guitar and have also given up. You would NEVER go up to a random person and say: "Hey dude, how many times a week do you practice the guitar?" "actually, I took a bit of a break these days" "You weak and pathetic looser you TOOK A BREAK FROM THE GUITAR???, how are you going to feel superior to others if you cant show off your skill and practice regularly. You cant BE just a nobody. You need to prove yourself to the world dude, you need to BE MORE." - ego 2020 "ummm, get the hell away from me." But this is what the ego can do sometimes. Sometimes feeling inferior is a way to push you to someday feel superior. Your ego does not just want to be in Group-x but above group X someday in the distant conceptual future. "I am a looser because I cant focus and meditate for even 5 mins, so I need to mentally beat myself up to force myself to focus more with more internal nagging and self hatred so that someday when the time is right... I can be better than a beginner. I can prove myself to the world. I can't be the kind of person who is easy distracted." - ego 2020 However, the ego rarely cares about the motivational forces of other people. You would never talk to a friend the way your inner critic talks to you because your friends value to you is not dependent on their accomplishments (most of the time). the final point is in regard to this thought "I am not worthy of love or for good things to happen to me." ask the ego this: What evidence do I have to support this assumption? (none) What are the criteria's for deserving love? If another person in sub-x also had the same "problems" would you say they are not worthy or love as well? probably not. Also, the reason you feel inferior is because it was told or implied to you in early childhood as a way of changing your behavior. It has no actual reality aside from that. kid crying to much?, say "other people suffer way more and we are on vacation right now, you should be happy and your crying like a little baby, you are so ungrateful!! my parents never took me on vacation so you should be thrilled and because you are not something is deeply wrong with you..." boom! behavior is modified though constant shame and guilt that repeats like a song in your subconscious mind. BUT, this means that it is just a thought and can be replaced with subliminal messages and conscious effort. It has no reason to exist apart for behavior modification. try: God is love, God truly doesn't judge. All is one. love transcends all reasons and concepts that man makes. or something like this. Anyway this is just an insight. I would love to hear feedback on what you thought about this.

I have been thinking about this for a while and would love others opinion. I realize that I want to start helping others in some way, maybe become a sage or volunteer to help those in need. But one big question that haunts me is "why Do I want to do this?" A few reason why I would want to help others which could be seen a bit shallow and "selfish" I want to have a life purpose that "I" can feel fulfilled I want to "be the kind of person that helps others" even though this is ego I want to create good karma for myself and for others I want to meet new people and get great relationships. I want to inspire others with my actions When I hear the "your just doing this kind stuff stuff for yourself, you don't really care about others" I am not quite sure how to respond because it feels at least a little bit true. any thoughts on this? Thank you

@Keyhole @electroBeam awesome, thank you!

@Hulia @Nahm @Megan Alecia awesome, thank you.

I wont not consider myself to be enlightened but from what I know about non-dual philosophy I will try and create an analogy If you do indeed go through every possible person's body and life at some point and then completely forget what happened, in a very real sense it never happened. It is VERY likely that you in a past life had an experience like that was wiped away by the reset of death and rebirth. If you don't remember that something happened then experientially it did not happen. When you were a few days or months old your probably at some point got really sick but do you remember that now? probably not. when you see a video of some else die, then from a first person perspective, there is no person and no death. from the watcher of the video there is only the idea of death which lives only in the mind of the watchers. One very common thing that I see a lot of our society is ruminating and churning over injustice which of course has it's value to stop further injustices but thinking from a purely "now" base thinking. "man he must has suffered a lot when he got crushed or turned to pulp" is only an idea in this moment. OMG this man just died in a horrific way!! In this present moment there is no dead man other that YOUR idea of one. therefore, there is no man, there is no suffering in that body, there is no gruesome, THERE IS NO DIRECT MEMORY OF PAIN OUTSIDE OF THE WATCHER OF THE EVENTS. I hope this helped.