Princess Arabia

Yeah its like I'm using known phrases to express the unknown, trying to make sense of it. Using phrases i'm used to, but it's hard to explain. You know what I'm trying to say though.

Not right now please i'm still trying to get through idiot consciousness 😜😜

It is what I said if you reread my comment. The only difference is it didn't feel as if it pretended to be a human it was just that, with no pretence. As if I wasn't me, as if it was all it. Thats what I'm saying. You're all telling me about me but I don't see me I saw all it. Whatever it is. I didn't see nor felt it it was just it. If you know what I mean.

I saw my body but it was if it was a part of the scenery. Thats what I mean. Not me as Arabia. Like in and out, in and out.

I said that in my live last night. I said it is everything I'm conscious of.

Yeah it appeared to be more like that. Thats it. Only it seems like I wasn't in the picture, but that was explained to me earlier something to do with subjective and objective.

lol. Didn't feel like that last night it felt or looked or appeared as if it was everything excluding me, as if it was living and moving through me. I guess the I fell away. Don't know. More like it was never there.

Ok, so even though it experiences itself doesn't mean it itself actually moves only appears that way.

There's no "happiness limited". The energy of happiness sadness, joyfulness, anger, envy, jealousy, whatever and the contracted energy of the I latches on to that energy thinking it is it that feels those things and now when happiness in gone you think it left, when sadness arises you think its your sadness, its only energy appearing as sadness and happiness. Drop the I thought and what remains is just sadness and happiness. There is no you. There is just what's appearing, don't hold on to it. It doesn't need a you to appear but the you need it to appear.

No, I get this. I can see it even more clear now. It truly seems mysterious and not at the same time. I don't have any rule structures in me, anymore anyway, maybe that's why I'm seeing a bit more clearly, while still not really seeing more clearly. It seems to be that and not that at the same time. Every description I give it, it seems the opposite is also true.

Ok, this person.

I was just saying, that my instincts kicked in to try to comfort you and tell you comforting words but then I realized that it wouldn't have mattered because it is what it is, Even me not doing that was what it was. I usually would respond to these kinds of posts with empathy but it's not about the empathy but more of what is, empathy or not. Let the thoughts be and don't engage, just see them passing, sounds woo woo but that contracted I energy is what's doing it not you per se. You're just believing in it. Just keep going about your business, let the "I want to end it thoughts be', don't try to stop them or feel good or bad about them. Just let them be, they are dead. You give them life if you focus on them. They won't go away but they will lessen and lessen.

What if its not really experiencing itself, though. Only appears to be. What if nothing really moved and that's where the real magic is. What if its just infinite imagination without actual experience.

Right. The only sense I'm making of it now is that it's simply what's happening. Everything else is thought and memory which is a good thing because I would have had no idea what was happening still don't because nothing seemed to change only everything seems alive.

There's no keeping it simple and letting it do anything. It is already that. Saying to keep it simple and let it flow doesn't compute right now. Thats like a command, a call of action. There's none of that, it's just what is already the case.

I expected this kind of response from somebody, wasn't sure who, but a least you're not being definite, you're saying be careful. It's kind of the opposite, it's so ordinary that all I'm saying is this is it, its this, I'm still making my tea, my breakfast, hollering at my cat and normal shit just its more alive now, nothing seems dead not that it did before but its active, hard to put into words, I'm OK, if anything the psychosis will be the non psychosis.

Ok, I understand what you're saying, I really do and it makes sense, right now it just doesn't seem to be what's happening, it just seems raw, unfiltered and present, like it doesn't even need a frame of reference, but I'm not saying what you're saying isn't so, just not what I'm seeing or whatever the word. Seeing, feeling, pointing to.....

Seems like I didn't have any thoughts to be the now, now now now that I mentioned. Seemed like I was typing it from the now and couldn't grasp time but tried to. Idk its hard to explain. I didn't even feel or see or even thought about eternity it was just now. As if eternity is in the future and this is just here now.

@Adrian colbyIt seems like I didn't even have to actively remove myself from anything, it automatically just wasn't there. It was, but it wasn't if you know what I mean. Not like I was invisible or couldn't feel or see myself but more that everything around me just seemed alive and i didn't.

This explanation I can relate to more, it seems like that's what happened. Thats why I kept typing "Now, now, now, now now now. Someone said it is only one now in the comments but it wasn't like that in live time. But I can relate to this and will bookmark it for reference and try to understand it better. I will also keep my journal and write through it so the energy doesn't get stuck. Don't even know if thats a thing or not. But I think I know whats been said here. Thanks. Even though not exactly. Seems there wasn't really a witness.

It's funny because you took your pic down and say you can't show yourself to the world. Your confidence left you once again. No sense in me going through the who is owning the confidence and who can't show themselves to the world or who this and why that and all that. But I will say none of that matters because it's just it. No matter what. I won't even try to give you comforting words and try to make you feel better or worse. Just wanted to chime in to say, it won't matter its just what it is. Nothing typed here makes a difference. Nothing said there makes a difference, the only difference is how I feel saying it and it feels horrible.

I don't even feel like doing this journal anymore. Its like the only thing i don't feel like doing. Nothing else came to mind. It just seems........aha, pointless. Thats funny because that's what I said in the beginning, no point, no agenda but now I'm saying its pointless. Why I'm saying it now though, not that its useless or just so ordinary or anything negative, but it's like talking about sex instead of just doing it. Talking about the goddam food instead of just eating it. I think I will keep it. I think I will keep writing about it. Its weird cause I don't want to but I do. Its like both at the same time. Instead of saying I want to or don't want to, ill just leave it be, for no reason. Just for the fun of it. Now I really want to keep it because earlier it felt as if - or i should say it feels now as if my reason for not wanting to keep this journal earlier had purpose. Now it doesn't even matter. I don't even think I'm deciding. This is just playing games now. Keep it don't keep it keep it don't keep it. I see what its doing. I'm laughing now because i see what its doing. Its me and its not me. Doesn't matter it is what it is.

I said documentation earlier because it is a documentation of me explaining what is going on on my end. All this you will be pissing your pants and going berserk is nonsense. Why would I be doing that. That would be like me watching a horror movie. Its just here there and everywhere but I can't see or sense it but I can at the same time. You are trying to tell me what it is but I am writing through it so to speak. Not as it not about it but through it. That's what it feels like,

Nothing different is happening and nothing changed, its just my interpretation of it and readings about it seems weird its as if someone is trying to explain to me what I'm doing while they are mikes away and I'm the one doing it. IT kind of feels like that. I'm usually on here at this time and doing normal things so don't want to say like maybe I should get off the internet and go do something else as if this is something special, it doesn't feel special, it just feel like this is it. Like there is nothing else so why should it feel special its all there is. Don't know maybe I've gone mad. If I've gone mad then no one will know because I'm still me just typing away calm as hell, so nothing different their either. Don't get me wrong, its not like I'm saying nothing special as in this sucks, its just no different that what was. Its just different as in it is all there is nothing is standing out the only difference is I am me and it is it. I can tell the difference. Its like I'm not it and everything else is. Even though everything seems normal.

It is like I can't even understand these explanations that describe it anymore. I'm trying but its like its it here and nowhere else and when I read these explanings it seems like its a part of these explanations. I think I need time. Not time as in get my head together or time as in I'm confused. Just time to different the two. When I read about it, it just seem so distant. But I don't want to fool myself into thinking.......idk I just don't want to over complicate this, so I'll try to understand all that's being said not in general but when talking about IT, at another time because none of it is computing. Everything else is but not when talking about it. It just seems foreign, but I do understand the words but they don't register.