DevOcean

Beautiful meditation. Thankyou for sharing

@WaveInTheOcean thanks man. Lovely to hear the drawings moved you along with the music. That’s it regarding life/death. If its living, its dying, if its dying, its living. Im definitely not always conscious that Im walking around inside myself. Other times any sense of inside or outside vanishes. Even after these insights I still experience fear of physical death, deterioration and desolation.

Here are a few sketches I did reflecting back on my last Ayahuasca ceremonies. The memory of each ceremony is incomplete but one night I remember Death in the form of a skeleton crawling on the floor in front of me. I thought of my own skeleton as a symbol of Death, within me at all times supporting Life, always zero distance away. I also distinctly remember walking around the jungle aware that I was walking around inside myself.

Hi guys, First time posting here. Just want to share some of the more challenging experiences that come up through using psychedelics. After my 10th ceremony with Ayahuasca I was carried out of the Peruvian jungle on a stretcher to a hospital in Inquitos. From my perspective I was discovering/experiencing the Infinite Self but the facilitators and doctors were concerned enough by my behavior to prescribe me anti-psychotic medication. I took it for a few days then made my way back to my home country. A few months later I was smoking weed with my fiancé in Germany which triggered a similar awakening. From my perspective I had woken up into buddha/God consciousness but my girlfriend was concerned by my strange behavior and called an ambulance. At the hospital it seemed everyone I met was God or some kind of spiritual guide and I was meant to be there as some kind of lesson. I was sectioned for a month in a foreign country and given anti-psychotic medication. After a month I was allowed to leave and return home. Back home I was struggling with extremely stressful family and relationship issues. I stopped taking my medication and as my relationship began to fall apart I had a complete emotional breakdown and my experience of reality became very unusual to say the least. (Believing I had to complete spiritual trials/contact with alien intelligence) My parents eventually called an ambulance And once again I was sent to a psychiatric ward for a month and medicated. I thought I was being driven to the Hospital by Eve and Buddha. These events had a devastating effect on my family and myself. My parents found out I had smoked weed and insisted I brake off all contact with my fiance. I was crying to the point of screaming at the pain of the loss. I’ve never experienced anything so painful. I still live with the pain of that loss and the resulting loneliness. My doctor tells me I will have to take a relatively low dose of anti-psychotic medication for at least two years. I have suicidal thoughts almost every day. I meditate each day and arrive at the Bliss, Joy & Peace of awareness. Its a strange contrast to live with each day. One moment, perfectly content, another moment looking for a final way out. One day I was out walking, fully aware that this is Nirvana. Another day on my knees, screaming and crying. I have weekly therapy sessions now and talking through everything that has happened with someone trained to listen is a huge help. A painful lesson I learned was how selfish I had been to not fully consider all the ways my use of psychedelics could effect my loved ones. Fortunately we have been able to work at repairing the damage that was caused but it takes a long time to recover. I really don’t know if sharing this will be of help to anyone. I have both benefited greatly and suffered greatly from the effect of these powerful substances (ayahuasca, mushrooms, weed, lsd) and I’m not here to tell anyone what choice to make. I didn’t know what unconditional love was until my first ayahuasca experience and I never knew how deeply I could love until I felt the full pain of loss. One thing to be aware of is the context in which one can have these awakening experiences. The consequences of your resulting actions will depend on the country you happen to be in and the people you are surrounded by at the time. I lost my physical freedom for a period of time. I have no way of knowing if I was lucky or unlucky to have been taken to hospital and medicated. Perhaps it is pointless to imagine what could have happened in a different setting. It seems we each have painful periods in our journeys. Part of me hopes by sharing this story I can somehow help someone else avoid such pain. I don’t know if that’s possible but I know I have benefited from hearing the accounts of others

@Girzo we still exchange an occasional message but she is in another country now. The pain of the separation is intense and there is also a sense of fear and hopelessness when thinking about the future now. It comes and goes.

Thanks Leo, that is pretty much the current plan. The feeling is to continue without Psychedelics for now.

@Red-White-Light thankyou!

@astrokeen i was physically struggling/wrestling with the facilitators at times in Peru. I did hear one facilitator say I hadn’t been able to let go of my ego. I find it hard to arrive at any conclusions to be honest. I was experiencing accepting myself as infinity and it seemed to go on for days. It’s a bit hard to know during that experience if I was or wasn’t letting go of an ego. I haven’t been to see any spiritual teachers or clairvoyants since this happened. I will look into that.

Thankyou

It’s an interesting question. I do wonder if these experiences are lessons which could be a search for meaning in them.