This has been a journey of about 5 years for me. I meditate, exercise and do yoga daily to the point its almost like teeth brushing for me now. I have reflected on and unpacked all my past traumas (no exceptions or glosses) with brutal self honesty. I have combed through all my material goods and donated what I no longer need. I barely socialise now and that suits me just fine. I’ve even shaken off the desire for any romantic partner utterly and completely without even trying; it just sort of happened, as was the same with many deep rooted fears I once had such as being alone, darkness and death. Lockdown has been a wonderful source of quiet and development for me, but the other day I was reminded that I need to still deal with the outside world… but I also got to learn how far I’ve come.
I absolutely love the garden at the back of my house. Like we breathe, nature does too with seasons and cycles — what deeper breath is there than spring? We have new neighbours and even though it’s illegal here to cut and trim hedges during nesting season for wild birds, which our dividing hedge is obviously full of, there he was… my mysterious neighbour buzzing away with a hedge trimmer. The poor birds were flying in distress over onto my side.
I spent about a few minutes standing there wondering what I should do. Old ‘me’ would have been like ‘Oh well fuck him them. What a thoughtless asshole. I know much better… I can’t do anything though because I don’t know him and he might yell at me or hate me. I would be drawing attention to myself, which I would not like.’ I would have stewed in it all afternoon, listening to the buzzing continue full of loathing for him and loathing for myself with all my would have, could have, should have thoughts. YET, instead of this I found myself promptly going over to the neighbours house with my sister and calmly and politely letting him know that birds were nesting in the hedge and it was disturbing them. He was all very amiable and a bit sheepish, and that was that.
No way would I have done this last year. I have always avoided confrontation (I come from a no talking about difficult things and please be agreeable household), even if I’m in the right. The ease and speed with which I dealt with this situation and processed it surprised my ego and smashed up a few preconceived roles I had once given myself and wondered if I still clung to.
Once I returned to my own home I had a flicker of nerves and ego (first time in months I have talked to someone outside my house, it probably wanted to throw its weight around, aha). I played the whole encounter over in my head, wondering what they must be saying about that weird young woman next door who should be minding her own business. I put it aside and remembered that I am independent of the good or bad opinion of others. Later in the day I did my yoga, listening to the birds outside as I did, and I felt so at peace again knowing I can and will behave, flow, like this again and again until I don’t even experience discomfort or have to even think about it. Why should there be discomfort where there is just is and love? The next day I found my ego’s brief knee-jerk reaction quite funny. I didn’t resent the man for what he had been doing nor his excuses for it in the slightest — I saw it was ignorance and misplaced love. My words were action to protect and express the nature and breath around my person which is worth no more nor less than myself. This action was not about the weird young woman from next door. I didn't recognise her, and that showed how much I had grown.
Looking at the bigger picture, I’m experiencing my childhood again where I am just surrounded by joy, rhythm and curiosity. After a lifetime of mental health issues, my default mood is a controlled, consistent, glowing happiness. No matter what I’m doing — cooking, cleaning, bathing, I am present, observant and so content. The other day I was appreciating how wonderful it was to be lying in a warm, dry, clean bed. I was nearly moved to tears over it. I am just so ready to drift away from my ego and see where I am taken. I live so frugally now that I so clearly see that I don’t need ‘stuff’ to sustain that glow of happiness. The work I do is with young kids, the most creative, fair, spontaneous, funny and loving beings I continue to come across — I love it. I have utterly lost the desire for fortune, fame and progeny. I have not felt boredom in years, even when I’m stuck in a queue at the supermarket or on a long bus journey with no mobile (never had one). With no fears, limitations nor conditions hanging over my head, I feel like I have the resources of the richest king in the world.
The girl who I had conjured up as myself, a sum of her appearance, achievements and experiences, measured by the opinions of others, was just a comfort blanket, but I am ready to try go on without her for infinity. She was like bike stabilisers for me — I would never fall, but I would never really ride, not even close.
Thank you so much Leo for putting words to what I’ve been feeling for so much of my life. It was the lift of fog I needed to keep going down this dim path against the grain and the false promises of modern life. Don’t think I’ll be sticking around too much as I find forums etc cloud my consciousness and I have little else to say and still so much still to explore, but I promised myself that I would express my gratitude and let you know what a profound clarity in being your work has given me. Greater still, even after coming all this way, I feel this is only the start of my journey.
p.s Wishing all the best and love to everyone else reading this. Do not give up and never go on autopilot. Do the work, be honest with yourself and the benefits will present themselves. This is not a quick fix, but you never feel anything more real in your life. Do not think I am lucky — yes, I feel I have an innate stillness and spirituality, but I have worked very hard on this for years.
