Audrick

@Raven1998 This problem used to confuse me too. But I believe that with enough open mindedness and desire to understand, you will eventually realize that this is the case. I suggest you to sit down and contemplate on it in silence. Can you find the thing that you consider “you” in the body? By the way, actually try to find it. Don’t get lost in your logical mind.

If experience is, in the end, just an illusion then what is behind the illusion? Is it even possible to know or to take a little glimpse of it? (Another way to ask this question is: is it possible to transcend the mind and take a look at what’s behind?) If it is possible, what would that mean? Is it even possible to know something when the mind is transcended? Because it feels like to me that knowing is a property of the mind so is it possible that “transcendence of the mind” is an illusion or delusion in and of itself?

It was about 3 days ago that something strange had happened in my consciousness. I was in class, bored, thinking about something that I occasionally questioned as a result of 5 months of meditation (which I had done about 4 months ago and left) which gave me some insights but these insights were not so concrete in my mind, they were just thoughts that came from time to time to my mind. Anyway, the thought of "what if everything is happening in the mind, what could that mean to me?" came. This was an "insight" (you could say) that came to me after doing the exercise on Leo's video on neti neti method. At that point of time, it did have an effect on me but this effect didn't last for too long, it didn't have that concreteness to it that was enough to convince me. Anyway, after the thought that I was talking about came, I decided to think on it a bit because I was quite bored. Not so long after I started thinking, suddenly something struck me. I don't how I could put it in to words. Words are just not enough to explain this to someone clearly. What I realized was this (shortly): Everything is happening in the mind or you could say, in a field of consciousness. Everything is just a projection that I'm creating. (But what is that I? I haven't answered that yet.) The other doesn't exist. Another way to say it is that, because other is a result of my creation, it's illusory by nature. If everything is illusory then I'm eternally alone and one... forever. Lastly, if all of these are true then I'm not even alive, I'm already dead. I'm just tricking and distracting myself not to realize that. All of these were the things that I realized and this time, it felt quite concrete. I felt like I was losing my mind. My heart started to pump faster, I started to breathe faster. My body started to shiver. My head started to feel lighter. For a moment I thought I was dying. Everything around me that I considered material, started feeling fluidly. I couldn't reach out to someone because they were in the end just a projection, they were not real. And all of this... scared the shit out of me. I was literally pressing the undo button in my mind at speeds that are not human, and trying to distract myself from the experience. I wanted to return back to my old conscioussness so bad but I knew that it wasn't possible anymore. I didn't expect this to be this serious. I started to blame Leo and myself at first (I blamed myself multiplied by two you could say :D) but in the end, I knew that this wasn't gonna change anything and that I was wrong about my blaming. After all of this had happened, I went to the bathroom and hoped that washing my face would change all of this. Surprise, surprise, It didn't change anything. I was still losing my sense of reality, uh-oh. Anyway, my storytelling started to pall on. I explained all of this to you to be sure if there are any flaws in my understading of the situation. So ultimately, my question is, is what I had experienced was an actual awakening or somehow I managed to delude myself so badly that the delusion shifted my paradigm? According to the things that I learned from that experience, I can't trust the correctness of your answers but neither my answers. I'm still quite new to this work and didn't expect such a thing to happen. It wasn't like what I had imagined it to be. I don't know what I'm going to do with this knowledge and how it's going to shape my life. Should I stop all of my consciousness work and move on (even if I won't be able to forget this experience) or should I continue on and see what is there to be discovered in my mind. I know that these questions don't have a literal answer and in the end it all depends on me but I feel like at this point, I need some guidance to get my thoughts straight. Sorry that this reading took a bit long. And also sorry for any grammatical mistakes in my writing, I'm a foreigner. I will be waiting for your answers. Thank you.