Lyubov

For any of you in a long term relationship, especially the guys, how does your partner's sexual past make you feel? I find myself feeling a little jealous sometimes about my partner's past but also curious. I'm quite aware of the beliefs behind it so I'm of course careful not to be judgmental. I'm aware that it stings something inside of me and is a pointer for growth and more self understanding, love and an expansion of my belief system. "You can't have your cake and eat it" You can't have your woman one way and also expect her to be another way when they contradict. It feels like a lie to chase this and wouldn't be right. For instance I am NOT into this sort of "good, conservative, boring girl" type. They are just so boring to me and I never feel any spark with them. I've always fallen hard for club chicks. They are so much fun and I always feel I have the best kind of sex with such women, filled with passion and openness to explore. But at the same time I have to accept the fact I've probably not been the first guy to have this fun with her. I'm hesitant to ask my partner how many other guys they have been with cause the answer may be harder for me to stomach than I realize Have any of you ever felt the same? How do you feel about your partner's sexual past? Does it bother you in any way and for any reason?

Situations like this can be tricky and yeah, logistics sometimes won't work out in your favor. Sometimes you gotta just let go and realize you aren't in complete control, just recognize everything right you did and be open to ways you can grow better. Sounds like you are doing that which is great. One time I made out with a girl on a date and I was near certain she would come back with me to my place. We had amazing sexual chemistry. From my POV at the time, If I lead any harder it would of come off pushy. The thing is she worked the next morning at 10am and she was embarrassed her roommate would hear her come back late. I never saw her again because after that I was super thirsty via text to get her out again in a similar situation. Another time I met a girl at a bar with her coworker. She was having a night out with another girl from work. We went to a club (all three of us) and I got her alone and we made out a bunch. She ended up leaving her friend alone at the club and went back to my place to fuck. Girls are weird like that. There is an element of randomness to it you gotta accept, just do your best and feel your best and lead like a man. I'm sure you have it more developed than you realize. It's your nature. It's just being obstructed sometimes by anxiety and limiting beliefs. I would read "The Way of the Superior Man" a book by David Deida. This can help you get in touch with this energy and express it in a healthy way. Having fun when you go out and being present helps a lot as well, without setting too many expectations for yourself when you go out. Sounds like this was a good learning experience for you. You're right for not being too invested in this number as well. I wouldn't discount it as entirely worthless though. Those numbers can be pennies from heaven and gain value when they sit around. I got one of those numbers out many months after making out with her and slept with her that weekend. Don't throw it away. Just keep it in your phone and send some memes to it occasionally and make some light chit chat she doesn't have to invest in. You may get her out on a date in the future. Invite her for a drink sometime

This forum isn't toxic. I personally wouldn't call it that. A lot of people here sometimes thinks they are right about everything and can be presumptuous or overly outspoken which can be kinda annoying. I'm guilty sometimes of this as well. Don't take what people say about you or your issue here too seriously, it's just for getting ideas. Keep it in check and it can be very helpful, especially for recommendations on books and programs.

Why do you think you didn’t get her back to your place? What was going through your mind when you felt stuff start to go “wrong?” Was there a point toward the end of the night where you felt confused? How was the vibe/flow? Did you ask her to come back? What do you believe about yourself because you didn’t sleep with her? I wasn’t there so it’s hard to actually comment on anything specific about what vibe or energy you are giving off. I can draw on experiences when it went well for me in this situation and when it didn’t. When it didn’t I would say I was very much in my head and actually on the more meek side, not leading firmly enough, not aligned with the masculine core. I was confused because on one hand I felt like I didn’t know what to do and thus came off less like a leader, and on the other hand I was very much in my head thinking about what I need to go. Leo is right here that you need to stick with her through the night and into the morning sometimes as well. Sometimes if the music is really good and depending on the vibe/type of the club (more table heavy clubs are glorified cattle markets so most people there aren’t there to dance or for the dj) she may want to stay if she is having a ton of fun dancing to the music if it’s a good “disco style” club with a popular/famous dj. You can usually just seamlessly suggest and lead her back of your place when you leave the club or outside. You need to lead. She is going to want to feel that you are leading things and masculine enough to do so in a way that is somewhat subtle. Some girls it may feel more obvious than others but the goal is to always be on the more subtle side of things. She may sometimes push back a bit if you are leading in a brutish way and need to dial it back down to find a nice balance between you and her. She will also push back if you are leading very weakly or if the interaction has lacked passion which it sounds like yours didn’t if you were making out with he. When there is the right balance between you and the woman she will usually just follow your lead back to your place after suggesting it just ordering a taxi and her following you into it.. Also keep it subtle. Don’t say “let’s have sex” or anything like that. Cuddle, have some tea, after party, whatever, but your goal is to work towards being more subtle while giving off masculine vibes and leadership.

I would say the amount of time will vary depending on the person, but the most heavy lifting will be the emotional work and self acceptance. Some guys improve quickly when they commit to getting better with women while others will spend several years going in circle. I would be open to it at the pace it has to for you. Chances are if you have problem with women you have a deeper problem that goes beyond more practical social skills and understanding of social situations. You gotta go deeper if you actually wanna make meaningful and long lasting changes to the surface.

You can buy a girl a drink at a club or a coffee at a cafe. You don’t have to spend big cash or anything and don’t expect anything back for it. If it’s seamless and moves things along it’s fine. I’m not about spending a lot of cash on the first date. If there is a vibe though, a drink or two can really set the mood and the cool girls will sometimes even buy you a drink back.

This is why I don’t even bother to go to sleep after coming back from a rave or techno party. Just nonstop ringing in a silent room and it’s impossible to sleep. It’s made worse if you are sleeping then with someone who prefers complete silence when going to sleep. I’ve found playing a bit of white noise rain sounds mostly solves this but the other person may not like that. I honestly just don’t sleep on nights I go out, but I only go out about one every other week.

You plan to walk around the nightclub with earplugs in? it's strange my friend....

Could you go into more detail on the first? Do you have any specific stories or examples that you noted this recently being an issue? I ask because sometimes guys on the spectrum will over criticize themselves and think they stand out as socially odd way more than they do. These beliefs sort of start a round about of them then being kinda odd when if they were to not focus on it and just focus on having fun and relaxing in social settings they would come off totally fine.

I'm not asking about whether or not you would change it, are judging it, your gender war preferences, etc, but rather your sort of meta thoughts on it? Has it opened your mind some? What has sort of shocked you? Has any of it helped you? Have you gained a more holistic view? I ask this because this subforum is still heavily geared towards advice for men about the initial stage of meeting and attracting women, having sex and sort of fundamental concepts of masculine/feminine polarity to help them find a girlfriend/sex. I recently had a conversation about male dating advice and techniques with my girlfriend and she was completely shocked and blown away. Felt like I was exposing the secrets to fight club It was completely shocking to her and it all started when told her how I was given support by one of my friends when I was having some problems in a relationship. Basically telling me not to take it too seriously and that there are other fish in the sea. This mortified her. Once she let down her guard a bit (I purposefully avoided a gender war) she was super open minded but still shocked and I could tell I expanded her world view quite a bit. She said she was so interested in all the stuff I was telling her, basically a lot of the mindsets and stuff talked about here and given to guys that are having problems finding a date or getting into a mindset where they feel they can get a girlfriend and not fall into worshiping and feeling one single girl is their only opportunity for love. What have been your thoughts and has it helped you understand men better?

what cues do you specifically feel you struggle reading? What specific situations do you feel you do poorly in?

Not true at all, but fair enough if you aren't into living abroad. Definitely not lol. But I do agree that you gotta jump through higher hoops to basically get the same quality girl in the US that you'd get with half the amount of effort in other countries. My advice doesn't apply to established guys in Vegas or NYC with a hundred grand large in the bank. I'm perfectly happy having what they got on five figures abroad while they are doing it at six at home thinking they got it the best Same shit. US is honestly kinda crap for dating for the guys here who aren't able to get laid. They would benefit from traveling and going abroad to other countries. It would remove them from their comfort zone and they would be rewarded immensely for it. All their sucker friends back home will be working their shit 9-5 and posting about learning pick up after while those smart enough to go abroad will actually rack up a ton of beautiful girls and life experience and drop this US superiority complex in the process.

I’m looking for books that would be helpful for a man to improve in the bedroom both physically and emotionally/mentally. Technique wise is fine but I’m looking for stuff that goes deeper than that as well. Sometimes I don’t feel passionate enough, sometimes sex is tricky and my girl feels this and the sex sort of suffers, other times it’s incredible and a path to spiritual awakening. So yeah, looking for books of all kinds on how a man can improve at sex and become a sex god!

I've lived in NYC and been to LA several times. They are good, but have their downsides as well. I will hold back my more presumptuous assumptions on cities I haven't been to in the US but I don't need to drink the whole pot of soup to know what it taste like. You can stir it and sample a few spoonfuls of it to get an idea of what it's like. From my experience there are far better countries/cities in Europe and South America with a way higher ratio of beautiful women. The cities you listed are good but I still prefer other places and think there are other factors / contexts as well that make my preferred places much better for dating.

It's not possible to be in relationships of any kind without occasionally hurting another person's feelings. Romantic ones take this conundrum to a whole other level the deeper you fall in love and the more you become intertwined. Confronting the fact you can/may/will hurt your woman or break her heart is a very valuable lesson in life. Even if it is totally unintentional and without any sort of malice or resentful intentions. Simply falling out of love with a person or recognizing the barriers you are putting up and how they affect the relationship and hurt the other person's feelings.

Yeah, that’s the vibe I get. Nothing wrong with that. Some straight couples have a more fem guy and more masculine girl. But even more simply I’ve seen some girls get kinda masculine and basically go on a hunt when they are horny and want a specific hot guy for some fun

I would work on establishing your values and raising your standards for what you want from women. Yeah, sure a beautiful body, perfectly soft ass, cute face, beautiful hair and eyes are absolutely divine to behold but once you actually interact a lot with such women…. Let’s say you get with one and you finally see behind the curtain, a lot of the beliefs you attached to it will melt away. Sure it’s probably the only thing on your mind if you want a fuck or two but hold yourself to slightly higher standards. Expect more from the women you date and test them on it as well. Find ones that can actually love you back. Some women aren’t really capable of this and are quite narcissistic. Once you experience them more this will just fade in general and you won’t be intimidated by it anymore.

This is really cool advice and can even be applied to other creative professions. I’ll give it a second look and see if I can apply it to my creative endeavors. Thanks! you forgot step #0 though, have rich parents

I can’t speak for Vegas cause I’ve never been there but no way does the US have nearly the volume of beauty that most of Europe and South America has. I’ve lived all over and decent looking US girls are simped for more by so many desperate dudes than any other country I’ve been to with the exception of some Asian countries. You will see a decent looking and well established guy dating the most average looking girls in the US and Australia. It’s unbelievable. The ratio of beauty is just not there. It’s slightly more tolerable in big cities but not comparable and it’s gonna be insanely expensive to have the NYC/Chelsea/Brooklyn/LA lifestyle. I’ve found US girls are far more masculine too. The feminine goddess are just so much rarer there. Also you think being less developed is a bad thing but it isn’t if you have the healthy version of that stage. Healthy blue transitioning to orange women are amazing to date and actually can really open your mind more than you realize. Much prefer it over all the mean green in the US. Not all stage blue is as detestable like MAGA. I’m not talking about being a sex tourists and just going somewhere for a month to fuck at some sleazy resort. I’m talking about emigrating, learning the local language and being a world traveler. Establish a base in a country with way more hot women than the US. Get a flat for home base then spend some months out of the year traveling around to other countries. You’ll meet the hottest and coolest women. It honestly blows my mind why more US guys don’t do this as much as I’ve seen the European guys do. Bad taste imo *french smugness*

Sounds awful to me lol Leo, you gotta travel and see the world. There are women in some of these South American and European countries that are basically just as beautiful and sexy but down to earth, really loving and in general way more easier to get with (not trying to make them sound easy, just higher chances to snag one when they are on every corner vs just concentrated on the vegas strip). Something about hot US girls where they are super career oriented so they make being a hot girl into a job, also there are just so few of them compared to other countries so they are put on a pedestal like never before. Don't get me wrong, it happens everywhere but you just see way less beautiful women in the US compared to other countries (imo) and way more that are down to earth and just as beautiful/sexy in others.

You love/like and can spend time with some/most men, yet there are some men you fear such as a terrorist or robbers. The window is just much bigger for women because they are physically more at risk especially in more casual and less dramatic situations like on a date or walking down a street. Don't overthink this. To make women feel safer, well the fact you recognize this is a very important step. Cultivating your intuition helps a lot. The Man's Guide to Women by John Gottman has a whole chapter on this topic which you will find quite helpful.

How is your self esteem and overall self image? How conscious would you say you are about yourself, past, beliefs and emotions? I ask his because the money may be better put towards working with a therapist, joining a men's group or working with a life coach. Basically putting the money towards raising your self esteem and consciousness about yourself rather than practicing practical, raw techniques. The pick up industry prays off guys like this because they have deeper issues they need to sort first, and then the practical stuff just sort of works itself out on it's own or with watching a youtube video or two or having a chit chat with a guy friend. Pick up stuff can become a bandaid for a much deeper issue. What kind of coach you are looking to see exactly? What are their ideologies and world view and beliefs about women? Be careful not to fall into this trap. They may have some sort of red pill dogma that will stunt your growth. How conscious or holistic is this person's approach? I can only speak from my experience but I put some money towards pick up products several years ago but it totally wasn't what I needed to get good with women. It did very little to help me. It was a necessary stepping stone so to speak. You will learn a few things about yourself and women here and there, but it's unlikely huge / radical changes will come about. They could though, I don't know you. You know yourself best. I realize there are potentially very different paths than mine. I can't say focusing on pick up is what got me to where I am today. I can see it was an important first step so to speak though. You may be able to take these firsts steps without spending so much money. There is a ton of free content and @Leo Gura made a thread for finding guys you can practice with. Pick up isn't all bad and there are some genuinely holistic and conscious coaches out there but you have to be very carful cause there are some incredibly hard traps to get out of going down this path as well (see video bellow).

So this is something I’ve noticed in myself and I was wondering if anyone can relate. Basically I feel a sort of split in me between the sort of side of me that is incredibly loving and caring and the other part of me that is more passionate, romantic, and aroused sexually, bodily level desire for physical intimacy. 1) Basically the first part is around my chest and it’s a deep feeling of love and connection, words flow honestly and open in this state. It’s about love and caring. Really heartfelt and deeply loving things get said in this state. It doesn’t feel so sexual but a deep sense of emotional intimacy and heartfelt emotions. I tend to feel neutral here on the masculine/feminine pole. 2) The other feels different in my body and includes more energy lower in my body and is more excitement based. Passion, sexual charge, aroused by my girl’s body, etc. I’m more romantic and spontaneous here, for instance planning an adventurous date or feeling an explosion and flow of passion and sexual desire for her. I tend to feel masculine here. I would say I have less control over the second so to speak. It’s hard to switch to it when it’s time to have sex so it can make it awkward. I sometimes feel I’m not into it / less aroused or my girl is in her masculine more while having sex when I’m in the first place. I suppose does anyone know how to build more passion and gain more control or bring out more this second side? Also is it possible to marry the two? Or is it best they are kept separate?

It also is just a highly dysfunctional and really janky model of looking at attraction as well. I could describe in another post how on one hand it's a good beginner stepping stone but how it also can become a trap from reaching higher levels in attraction and understanding women. There are ways of embodying masculine energy that blows basically anything out of the water that PUAs are teaching. I've basically gone galaxies beyond all PUA material on youtube. There is literally nothing they can teach me besides the very few of them that are into psychedelics/meditation and have married their spiritual practice with attraction, dating, relationships and sex. James Marshall and the one other guy he teaches with are really the only two that come to mind in which I find valuable information from but most of their content is still geared towards newbies and approaching women cause that's where the money is. PUA has it's place at the very beginning cause there are some things to be learned from it for sure but a wise man will quickly see the limitations of it quickly on their quest to become a sex god.