Lyubov

How is your self esteem and overall self image? How conscious would you say you are about yourself, past, beliefs and emotions? I ask his because the money may be better put towards working with a therapist, joining a men's group or working with a life coach. Basically putting the money towards raising your self esteem and consciousness about yourself rather than practicing practical, raw techniques. The pick up industry prays off guys like this because they have deeper issues they need to sort first, and then the practical stuff just sort of works itself out on it's own or with watching a youtube video or two or having a chit chat with a guy friend. Pick up stuff can become a bandaid for a much deeper issue. What kind of coach you are looking to see exactly? What are their ideologies and world view and beliefs about women? Be careful not to fall into this trap. They may have some sort of red pill dogma that will stunt your growth. How conscious or holistic is this person's approach? I can only speak from my experience but I put some money towards pick up products several years ago but it totally wasn't what I needed to get good with women. It did very little to help me. It was a necessary stepping stone so to speak. You will learn a few things about yourself and women here and there, but it's unlikely huge / radical changes will come about. They could though, I don't know you. You know yourself best. I realize there are potentially very different paths than mine. I can't say focusing on pick up is what got me to where I am today. I can see it was an important first step so to speak though. You may be able to take these firsts steps without spending so much money. There is a ton of free content and @Leo Gura made a thread for finding guys you can practice with. Pick up isn't all bad and there are some genuinely holistic and conscious coaches out there but you have to be very carful cause there are some incredibly hard traps to get out of going down this path as well (see video bellow).

So this is something I’ve noticed in myself and I was wondering if anyone can relate. Basically I feel a sort of split in me between the sort of side of me that is incredibly loving and caring and the other part of me that is more passionate, romantic, and aroused sexually, bodily level desire for physical intimacy. 1) Basically the first part is around my chest and it’s a deep feeling of love and connection, words flow honestly and open in this state. It’s about love and caring. Really heartfelt and deeply loving things get said in this state. It doesn’t feel so sexual but a deep sense of emotional intimacy and heartfelt emotions. I tend to feel neutral here on the masculine/feminine pole. 2) The other feels different in my body and includes more energy lower in my body and is more excitement based. Passion, sexual charge, aroused by my girl’s body, etc. I’m more romantic and spontaneous here, for instance planning an adventurous date or feeling an explosion and flow of passion and sexual desire for her. I tend to feel masculine here. I would say I have less control over the second so to speak. It’s hard to switch to it when it’s time to have sex so it can make it awkward. I sometimes feel I’m not into it / less aroused or my girl is in her masculine more while having sex when I’m in the first place. I suppose does anyone know how to build more passion and gain more control or bring out more this second side? Also is it possible to marry the two? Or is it best they are kept separate?

It also is just a highly dysfunctional and really janky model of looking at attraction as well. I could describe in another post how on one hand it's a good beginner stepping stone but how it also can become a trap from reaching higher levels in attraction and understanding women. There are ways of embodying masculine energy that blows basically anything out of the water that PUAs are teaching. I've basically gone galaxies beyond all PUA material on youtube. There is literally nothing they can teach me besides the very few of them that are into psychedelics/meditation and have married their spiritual practice with attraction, dating, relationships and sex. James Marshall and the one other guy he teaches with are really the only two that come to mind in which I find valuable information from but most of their content is still geared towards newbies and approaching women cause that's where the money is. PUA has it's place at the very beginning cause there are some things to be learned from it for sure but a wise man will quickly see the limitations of it quickly on their quest to become a sex god.

wow... this is great advice man. and I somehow intuitively kinda knew everything you said before I read this because what you described is BASICALLY what happened this weekend with me and my girl and we probably had the best sex we had together. I was very communicative and things just flowed in a healthy way when judgement was dropped and a sensitive avenue of communication was opened. Felt super masculine and she felt super feminine, it's amazing Kinda nice to have your post here describing it in words! Thanks for the advice! tbh I really don't like contemplating stuff these days cause I have a habit of getting caught in webs of negative thoughts. I've found just felling my body and trusting when I start to communicate with her about something in a non argumentative way, it will work itself out, it did just this this weekend and seems to happen every time. trust the process I suppose

So basically I know the sort of abstract and values behind my life purpose. I do feel I have an important mission to live out that has to do with my growth and learning to love. I have not lost sight of this. I'm always partaking in the process of personal development. What I'm struggling with is sort of marrying this with discipline, creativity, order, practicalness and the material domain so to speak. I don't have too many solid ideas of what I want to do. Right now I'm heavily drawn to making travel video content for youtube and streaming it like on twitch.tv. I'm really drawn to this but I've lost a little motivation recently and want to pursue this full time as well as be open to other business and career opportunities that both are financially rewarding and help people I would say this is the "heart" of my life purpose: To help people heal and learn about their emotions (with the focus more on a male audience) and to create beauty, laughter paradigm shifting moments and adventure that inspires people to grow themselves. I've noticed that when I work on myself I'm better able to work on my life purpose so I do feel like everything I do is leading up to a greater capacity for something else, and I'm ready to take more action steps into the practical. How can I become more clear on the more practical/material side of things? I'm open to things changing and hammering out an idea that is more solid and clear with more tangible action steps. Could be the activity I listed here, something else (a video course on how to become a more honest, strong and mentally healthy man), or even multiple things cause deep down I want to create adventure and inspiration in the social media video sphere. Any tips for brainstorming so I can get to a place where I have something more material to work towards? Right now it's skewed way too far in the other direction. All bark no bite so to speak and lacking discipline.

Physical safety, essentially. It’s not hard to see why or understand. Aside from this being like 90%+ of the reason why I would suggest against rationalizing or analyzing women through some evolution model. It’s a dead end and won’t get you laid. Just know that the majority of women need to feel safe before they sleep with you. You’re better off focusing on stuff about the masculine/feminine and releasing limiting beliefs.

Yeah, it is actually the same for me. It has little to nothing to do with infidelity. I've spent a lot of time self reflecting, letting go and contemplating on this. I had some breakthrough insights and have some ideas what the next steps are for me through this and feeling more whole and integrated with it. I'll share them with you and this thread later. I think some people in this thread might find them helpful.

I do agree with you for the most part. It’s easier said than done though. The sexually experienced club chick is always the absolute best and I find myself having the best sex with such women and the most fun. My girlfriend I would say fits this description. The thing is I also have to honor this other part of me that hurts knowing I may not be the best in bed, “just one of many”, or feels because she may be more experienced and had more partners than me that our sex isn’t as special/good to her as I would like it to be. It is the other side of the coin, in which women feel jealous about a man’s heart, feelings and love being deeply given to a past girlfriend, basically what @Etherial Cat mentioned makes her little jealous to think about. It’s just the other side. As our relationship deepens I can’t pretend it doesn’t bother me if I also feel something is missing sexually between us, I’m not as good to her as I’d like to be or if it doesn’t stack up to in comparison to the love side of things. I suppose I just feel sort of used to a degree if she is so deeply in love with me and with this idea of me and I’m really being romantic and giving her this love back, but then part of me knows I haven’t fully reached the best sex with her. If the question is ever asked to her “who’s the best sexual partner you’ve ever had? What’s the best sex you’ve had?” and my face and name isn’t the first though to pop into her head, it just makes it hard for me to really feel, trust and take in these words she has been telling me about how deeply she loves me and how she sometimes feels I’m her soulmate and how she’s never felt this in love with a man before. I think @TK2021 said it, but even knowing you are second best doesn’t feel right. Knowing I haven’t really surmounted this with my girlfriend and she thinks I’m top 3/4 out of her 20-40+ partners does hurt, I can’t deny that. I wouldn’t settle for second in this area with someone I’m this deeply in love with. I suppose on the positive flip side though I’m willing to work at it and improve. I desire this very much. She told me it isn’t so much something psychological like some fantasy missing but rather my technique and method so I’m looking to improve it further cause I really do desire to be a sex god so to speak and am not willing to settle for second. She is a bit embarrassed to talk about sex which bothers me but we are working at this and things have been getting better in this domain so I think there is always something to be learned and grow from here To answer your question, basically yes!! But even a bit further than that! Like my girl surrenders quite fully to me, especially recently, and it’s amazing, the sex is passionate and incredible, but also I want her to be able to say it was absolutely incredible and the best. I can’t stand just lazy, passionless sex where I’m feeling sort of selfish/closed/unloving/passionless and she is sort of closed off and in a way leading it more than she should to get what she wants cause I’m not giving it to her. I don’t want it just to be something that I REALLY enjoyed and she JUST enjoyed. I want for her in her full surrendering to also be deriving just as much pleasure as me in my giving/taking, maybe even more, and to feel it’s the best. To me that would resolve the jealousy around her having had a lot of partners. Because I would then know I was the best of them and it doesn’t matter so much to me anymore. I would have claimed my throne and it’s what I want to work towards with her now.

It's funny because it's entirely flipped for me. This may be a core difference between men and women? For me it's almost entirely on a sexual level. I don't mind if she has been deeply in love with other men. I want the sex between us to be on another level , comparable to how much she loves me and how deep the words she has spoken from her heart which she says are some of the most powerful she's ever said to a man.

Ok so I have some updates because this was just really on my mind and I knew this is something we inevitably had to talk about because I know I would be holding back until we went through this together. My girlfriend really loves sex so I suppose I feel some insecurities knowing she has slept with a lot of other men. This is a classic "having your cake and eating it too" mind/emotion thing I'm going through right now because I love that she loves sex. We were just having a heart to talk, talking about sex, etc. I decided to ask her and she said she doesn't wanna count it and didn't wanna answer it. I respected that fully. I know she even feels a little embarrassed about it. It's hard to gage from my end, it could very well be more than me. She asked me to throw out a number that I think would be high for her and so I sorta just said the first one that comes to mind (50). She said she didn't think she has had that many partners, and was uncomfortable so I didn't push it, but the topic sorta changed into something else (more on this later). I've mostly been with other women who had less sex partners than me and that has usually been my experience so this is kinda my first time being so close to someone who may have had more than me. My girlfriend is a sex goddess so I understand why she has explored her sexuality like this. She REALLY loves sex. It's just that she very well could have had more than me and it's hard to stomach this. I also then asked to know how good I am compared to her past lovers. This came up as well. She said I was in the top 3/4 for sure but she has had better. I inquired on this a bit more (she is embarrassed talking about sex) and she said it isn't so much the psychological aspect, how I look, how I physically am, but rather the technical side needs work, like sometimes my technique is off, I'm still learning how to choke her properly and sort of give it to her in a way she is really into. She has told me some incredibly deep things from the heart, how much she loves me, how no man has ever made her feel this loved, how she feels I'm "the one." Stuff of this nature. I'm not so into oneitiss and soul mate talk (I'm more practical and not into dressing it up like this, I do deeply love her though) but she is a woman and is very romantic like this and has basically said stuff of this nature to me. I suppose what I'm feeling is that if she feels this deeply about me in this way then I want to also be the best she has had in bed so it's also sort of painful knowing I haven't quite reached it there yet. It's one thing if we were fwb, I wouldn't care as much about any of this, but we are really close and she has said some incredibly deep things from her heart about how much she loves me and how she has never loved a man so much before. It's almost a heavy weight to carry knowing this is how deeply she feels about me. I suppose her sexual flings in the past wouldn't bother me as much if I knew I was the best she had in bed but I'm not sure we are there yet and so I'm just feeling bothered right now knowing she has had so many sex partners, potentially more than me. As a man I want the sex to be the best if we are deeply in love and if she feels this way about me. It's emotionally painful to not yet be her best in bed. Any ideas how to further work through this and come out even stronger and closer and potentially even more mind blowing in bed where I can take my proper place on the throne I desire to sit in?

You sound really in your head still. Return to your body and enjoy the club and nightlife. If you hate clubs and are there just to practice game it usually shows through. Continue practicing and being practical, it’s fine to approach a bunch and there are lessons to be learned there for sure. I would look at sort of deeper, inner stuff that could just be fudging and tainting your whole vibe though. Right now you probably give off that sort of “anxious but making an effort” vibe. It’s okay and some girls won’t mind that if they think you are cute or feeling you. Try to enjoy yourself and try to enjoy clubs. If you are having fun and feel in the right place and enjoy nightlife it will give you a much better foundation for approaching. It sounds like you are in the phase where it still feels like work rather than this sort of seamless feel where you are having fun and just naturally talking to women because that’s what men do at clubs. Focus on both the practical but more importantly your beliefs and feelings about clubs and nightlife. You have to really enjoy nightlife if you want this experience to be enjoyable for you and that can really go a long way in attracting women at clubs.

Yeah, I agree it is tricky and sometimes this itch just needs to be scratched. At the same time I’ve met guys who just continue to scratch it non stop. They are fucking tons of new women regularly and it’s very shallow and they are missing the invaluable gifts that lie deeper. I’ve satisfied mine quite a bit but I’m not sure it can ever fully be satisfied through volume so I’m more careful now going down this path. Maybe it’s possible? My friend in his 40s has a kid and has been around the bush a ton and it still doesn’t seem satisfied for him. I’m still in the process of uncovering all the beliefs behind why this topic is so touchy for me and other people, why the number matters, etc. for some it doesn’t bother them at all, others marginally and some it ruins their relationship.

How do you enforce this boundary so to speak? I’ve always had girls I’m with occasionally bring up their ex in some way. Usually in a respectable way that isn’t too bothersome for me and usually from a related question of mine. It hasn’t really ever bothered me too much but I don’t really ever bring my stuff up cause it just isn’t ever at the tip of my tongue when with my girlfriend. I do it very seldom only if it’s pertinent.

yep, and it’s kinda why I haven’t it could lead to deeper intimacy and more passionate sex, thinking about it for some reason makes me more passionate for her, but also I might lose my hand as well going into it so it’s probably just better off pondering the idea and laughing about it here than actually doing it.

Lol I don’t know man I’m not so logical like this. Sometimes it’s fun to light fireworks and just throw them to see what happens. Could be a beautiful show full of excitement or could end in losing a finger.

you've never been curious enough though to ponder asking?

Damn dude, this is really tearing you up I see. First off, I'm sorry man and much love to you. There is a life lesson here to be learned and I know you will learn it and get stronger and better yourself with the wisdom you gain from it. I can see how bad this can get now. For me it's more like a minor annoyance or one or two good solitary cries from total freedom and acceptance of this aspect of my partner I guess for me what my limiting beliefs are: "Was I as special as she said I was to her or just another number?" Her words are ever flowing with the most magnificent love, in and out of bed ,when I am with her. I know you can really trust a woman's words when she is speaking deeply from the heart. Sometimes the more logistical stuff like saying she wants to move in will change, but the sort of core of where her words are coming from are true so I do feel how deeply she loves me and how crazy I drive her. I think it's more so a trick of the mind that wants to poke at this and create doubt and fear of the uncertainty brought about by the ever changing flow of life. Deep down it's poking a belief that I'm "flawed", "weak", " a chump", all synonyms for a bad person (self judgement) and I'm in the process of letting go of that. Second I would say is sort of the beliefs I've picked up through the culture. Stuff like how women should be good girls, clean, not a slut, etc. Thing is, I've found all the really sexy, beautiful, fun, passionate club chicks that basically all these pick up guys dream of getting are not going to fit some puritanical role. They will have explored their sexuality to varying degrees. It's not out of spite of me or any personal reason that has anything to do with me, but because they are enjoying their lives and their bodies. I'm sure it's a ton of fun being a beautiful woman. It's quite impersonal. It does also sting a bit to know I missed out on a ton of action in my early age (18-27). I was never incel but was your average guy rarely getting action, playing video games, girlfriend once in a blue moon, etc. I think as men we age like fine wine and still have plenty of opportunity to have fun, learn and grow into our 40s. I still feel plenty young to have more experiences like this and my young years where I wasn't good with women were foundational for getting to where I am an aged bottle of red wine now.

I feel quite grateful because my therapist has helped me a lot and was just the right fit for me. They do psychedelics and are aware of spiritual awakening. I would describe their approach as holistic but also quite hands off. They don’t really have some major approach, just reflecting and helping processes powerful emotions.

Hey @aurum can you give me your thoughts on my situation? So to preface I've talked to my girlfriend on this topic of neediness and she says I am not "needy" (in the negative sense) at all. She says she loves my energy and how I'm caring yet uncontrolling. I'm quite strong but also soft and vulnerable when necessary and when the moment calls for it. Basically I've fallen in love with a woman that is on a different life path than me. I would say this is our biggest barrier: she is potentially going to relocate to a different country for a job and in general she wants to move to a different country in the future but I'm not 100% sure I want to do that. We have been together for several months now and it's hard knowing this and how potentially the relationship will end because of this. It isn't 100% certain she will relocate for this job but it's possible. She has entertained the idea of staying with me here and moving in together (her words) instead but we haven't really talked in depth about long term future plans. I've remained brave despite of this. I'm trying to balance devotion and faith (which gets a bad wrap today unfortunately when it has a very important role in a healthy relationship) with also being practical. She is heavily devoted to me and has more hope for us than I do actually. I'm just wondering your thoughts on such a situation. It's painful to think about but I knew this from the beginning. I was just going with the flow and being present and we fell super hard for each other. I have no regrets about it though and wouldn't trade it for anything. I've learned a ton about myself, grown a ton, have made unforgettable memories with her and helped her a lot as well. I suppose I just hope things work out for us the long term. I've even been willing to rethink other stuff I never thought I would before like starting a family, if we were to stay together a year or so and still be in a healthy and functional relationship where I felt like this next step would be healthy for us both.

I actually have a good friend which originally was a "wing man" I met online several years ago. Oddly enough the most help we have gotten from each other is just sharing insights about women and inner world stuff. For more practical stuff we would go out during the day and do alright getting numbers but our conversations in general about dating and relationships I found most helpful. Basically all other wing men I've met have been jokers and clowns. I wouldn't take most of the guys yall meet through these groups too seriously.

Thanks! http://www.selfedge.com/ https://standardandstrange.com/ https://www.snakeoilprovisions.com/ https://stagprovisions.com/ https://www.ralphlauren.com/brands-double-rl-men https://therealmccoys.com/ https://freenotecloth.com/ http://www.ironheart.co.uk/ These are some brands & shops I like. I've always felt really sexy and attractive in my clothes and I might be taking this for granted. I've never had any problems finding stuff in my style that looks good on me and mixing and matching it with accessories. I never really thought about how some guys might actually struggle finding a style and might not have an eye for it yet. I would say a good way to quickly improve at dressing is picking up an art hobby. Get some paints, colored pencils, can also be photography, join an art class, really any medium, etc. Focus on just some art for a bit. This will sort of open up an avenue for creativity to flow and start to make your eyes more sensitive. You'll find yourself better at pairing and choosing colors, noticing shapes and lines, how stuff looks different in different light, the feeling behind certain fabric and textures, etc. Once you start training this faculty you can then marry it so to speak with your lifestyle. For instance my style really fits my personality, background, my interests, etc. I would feel out of place (although looking good in doing so) if I were to wear a totally different style of fashion that wasn't really about me. For instance that business sheik wall street suit style isn't my cup of tea. A suit for me would have to look more rustic cause I would feel more home in it.

Wow, I love it. And I actually agree with you that we can't meet all our needs on our own. I actually had this insight when I was going through some really rough times and realized talking about it helped. All those emotions were too much for one person to process on their own. I realized that there are many things I can't do on my own. The pyramids were not built by one person. That took many. I realized now that my own sort of wellbeing is very much about giving and receiving emotional support and it isn't functional to expect only myself to be able to handle it all.

I feel right at home in raw denim, leather jackets, boots, and rocker/biker style clothes. I love motorcycles so it just fits my lifestyle. I feel handsome and sexy. I would say you gotta find something that fits your lifestyle and image of yourself and also a bit how people view you. Some people can't pull off a certain style because it doesn't fit their lifestyle.

I was not there so I'm not going to say I know everything, nor I know what OP or the woman is like. This is just what I sense from reading this and it could be off to some or even a large degree. Basically I have an idea of what happened cause I'm pretty sure I did just this several years ago only our connection wasn't through spiritual stage green stuff. OP, you weren't as fully into this experience (as present) as you could of been and your communication and finesse needs work. When you sleep with a woman, she stays fucking over at your house and you cuddle after till you both fall asleep. Period. End of discussion unless she wants to go herself. You should be thinking about her needs after she gives her body to you. Women need care after a good fuck. Why on earth would you send her home? I understand it can be uncomfortable to sleep next to a new person if you aren't used to it. I basically play on my phone after I cuddle my gf to sleep cause I know it's gonna be a while till I can fall asleep. Either way, you go a night without sleep if you have to or get a bigger bed lol. Took me months of building up to the point where I can leave my gf after fucking her brains out at night and that took a long time to work up to. You just come off sounding unromantic and kinda selfish. You need to read the room better. All this spiritual mumbo jumbo talk just sorta becomes a facade when it's used to dress up a ONS and dating. I get it, you have it in common but you really have to walk the walk and be extra careful if you are gonna dive into this with someone you just met AND be working towards fulfilling your own sexual/relationship needs. This is one of the reasons I can't stand new age chicks tbh. I don't think you had bad intentions or were incredibly selfish. It just sounds like you need more presence, and how to communicate more and how to follow through with care after sex. Work on being more romantic. Old fashion sensibilities on this might actually serve you more than you realize to learn how not to make mistakes like this again.