Lyubov

You have a slew of beliefs. They start out wide and then trickle down to just a handful. It's like an inverted triangle. You gotta start untangling the beliefs and then at the same time learn to do body based stuff at the same time to calm your nervous system and train it so it isn't triggered by these situations.

You have a belief or two here about yourself that is going to limit your life. Follow this inner thread why you think you can’t get a girlfriend. Probably the majority of it is untrue and what is true has a solution.

Yep, you nailed it. I am very acutely aware that there is this wound being touched below it that is reacting. I actually have a pretty wide variety of tools in my toolbox and I’m in the process working through what is bellow it at the same time as this life lesson is being presented to me. So I know that whenever I get those red light feelings to process them in small chunks and make decisions from a place of presence and that freeing feeling of love. This is why I feel like following the more freeing emotions and leaving my comfort zone and this sort of icky feeling that is around if I stay. I realize there is way less keeping me here materially than going with her. I have that luxury. I also felt the same wound being touched before and I followed my heart and great healing came to me from deciding not to follow the same feelings that are telling me to stay. We went through this before on a lesser level and I was brave and faced this fragmentation and that feeling of fear that wanted separation. We came out incredibly strong. I feel like this life lesson is being presented to me so I become less attached to wanting separation and a closed heart. I know it isn’t the end of the world if I go with her for a few months and we see how it works out. She even said she doesn’t want to go forever, to go and see if she likes it or not. I tend to not have many regrets actually. I’m quite happy about that. I have only a few. I know if it doesn’t work out I could still come back. That I would still have traveled to a new place and had a new experience. I can’t say going with her would be some huge regret. I feel like I would regret it if I let her go and closed my heart back down.

Basically my girlfriend and I are deeply in love. We have been through a lot and are constantly growing together. We have helped each other a lot. The thing is she very likely will have to relocate for work to a different country. It's in her contract and the borders have just opened again. I'm not sure our relationship will survive this one. I'm not really sure I wan't to do long distance and move with her. I'm open to what happens so I'm not trying to think about it too much. It just hurts knowing this is looming in the next couple months. Any advice or support during this time of struggle would be greatly appreciated.

I think it may be quite dynamic and different for everyone. I think you start craving a deeper intimate sex you can usually only get with a long term partner. I think at a certain point, if you are wise, you realize chasing a new partner is limiting you greatly in this domain of gaining deep intimacy and love so you sort of get wise. Your emotional body tends to follow you the more beliefs you untangle and the more power you gain while self actualizing. Sometimes you have to untangle these beliefs through lived experience. "I've had seven girlfriends in the past two years and a few hookups as well, maybe I'm avoiding something?" It isn't immediate but it takes time. I think part of the process might be engaging in a decent amount of sex so you see each time and with every new partner that it isn't a means to an end for long lasting peace and stability in one's life. Look at all the wise men who are deeply developed. Most of them come around eventually to being married with a conscious partner themselves. I think a lot of them have to date and have a good bit of sex beforehand before they are mature enough to see that. Not all of them but sometimes you have to burn your hand a bit so you really know what not to touch. Some people fall way too deep into this though and never learn.

These are some important questions to ask myself. I think I could end up writing several paragraphs following each thread that sort of comes up when I begin to answer these two. I think materially I am more happy where I am. Also the part of me that likes feeling separate and single feels better where I am. That is the part that is sort of painful to accept. That part of me still wants to be single and sort of keep my heart closed off from the relationship. I find us melting into each other. We work so well as a "we." But then knowing there is this barrier for us to overcome strikes some nerves in me and I see I have my own barrier about this to overcome as well. I lost a parent when I was young so it has been pulling at that early trauma. Part of me has been closed off from fully loving deeply and I find myself oscillating between wanting to be separate from her then to wanting to be with her and loving her deeply. The separate part can be summarized as protecting myself/heart, closing my heart to her, have the benefits of being single, maintaining my lifestyle here, the stability I have here, feeling like I'm losing her and feeling scared and despair and like I'm with her out of fear/pain and that it's not good to have a relationship based off avoiding that, etc. I then swing over to loving her, leaving my comfort zone when it comes to how intimate I can be, feeling there is something greater we can work towards, how healing and good this relationship is for the both of us, how we are so lucky to be as loving and vulnerable as we are with each other, deep love, feeling sort of boxed in as well, like I'm settling and want to still play the field, feeling how amazing she is and how much we have grown together, basically feeling I'm the luckiest man in the world to have her and be so deeply in love with her, etc. As you can see there are sort of positive and negative feelings/beliefs to each side. Add on top of that a feeling of having to rush to figure it out and not having enough time. I'm ready to get off this carousel of despair and make decisions from a place of clarity, self love and presence. I know we will be better off as well if I can keep my presence and stability when working through this.

Thank you so much ? your words are very helpful. It feels good to know other people have traveled similar paths and I’m not alone on this. There is wisdom out there for me to hear. Also thank you for reminding me I /we aren’t helpless here. There are choices to make and we are free to choose them. I've felt my heart close down a lot for her this past week. I would say that is the hardest part to really sit with. This has really tested me in keeping my heart open. It feels right to move with her cause I know there is greater treasure behind that point but part of me is very resistant and doesn’t and closes off.

She was very emotional about it and she seems incredibly steadfast on not quitting. She has made them wait for over a year and she really respects them. I just feel at my limit with this. I don’t think I can convince her to stay. She hates it here in the country we are in. She completely broke down about that and she is holding onto hope she can escape from here. It’s very hard to settle with someone when they hate the place you both live so much She feels this is an opportunity to leave and she isn’t ready to let that go it seems. I’ll see if this changes or not. I’m exploring opportunities to move with her but tbh I feel the same as her. I like where I am and it took me a long time to finally be able to move around and make my dreams come true moving abroad. I don’t want to give up what I have here This just feels like a nightmare, but I can’t lose hope. I have to be strong. I allow myself to do my best and trust life during these hard times.

This is really hurting so much. We talked tonight and there is no end to the tears. I feel completely emotionally blocked. There is just an endless flow of sadness when I let down this blockage. We haven’t decided what will happen. We haven’t compromised yet, but I have hope. Tonight it didn’t feel like we made progress. It’s honestly hard to even stand why is going on now. Mind feels totally cluttered. I’m considering moving with her, but I have no idea yet how this will work, what the visa situation is, etc. Can I even enter where she is going now or are the borders closed? It’s rough. I feel helpless. I’m not helpless but I feel helpless. I'm going to call my mom this weekend for her input, she always helps when I’m at my limit like this. I love my girlfriend so much. She feels the same about me. This is destroying her. I feel so bad. I just can’t stand the sight of her in pain like this. I can have hope in these hard times.

“Pick up “ is based on the idea of casual sex IE outside of marriage or societal structure. It isn’t really something that has been enjoyed throughout humankind until recently. I’m not an anthropologist but I’m pretty sure the only people in society back in the day that had multiple sex partners were kings and the rich. They had sex slaves and concubines. Today most people in society will have slept with 10+ people by the time they are in their 20s. Don’t think that was the case back in the day and it won’t be in fundamentalist countries. It’s one of the reason Middle East dudes have the stereotype for being some of the most thirsty in social media or when they meet a western chick.

I do agree with you. My post could of been misinterpreted cause I reduced a lot in it. I don’t mean women won’t appreciate the work you do on yourself or the fruits that are grown on the tree from it. In a relationship women will appreciate it when a man puts effort into a relationship, loses that beer belly like he promised, makes an effort to clean, etc. What I meant more is a man getting himself to a place where he is presentable and just even able to get a woman out on a date and seem attractive. Most women do not care about the emotional work a man has done just to be able to attract a woman or be attractive enough for her to go out on a few dates with him. It’s basically a baseline prerequisite like knowing how to shower and dress yourself in clean clothes.

Women in general won’t give a shit about what personal work you’ve done in order to sleep with them. This doesn’t balance anything. It reeks with entitlement. You are the man. You are expected to be your best, it’s not a matter of you being your best and getting something in return for it.

I’ve permanently left the spirituality section of this forum. It’s not a discussion, mostly just soap box preachers and people parroting one or two other members on the forum. I think the rest of the forum is great.

Also guys, keep in mind it takes a lot of money to look conventionally beautiful. You think salon, nails, laser hair removal / waxing, make up, good skin soaps, etc are cheap? Nothing wrong if your girl doesn’t spend money on this. Just keep in mind if you are jerking off to and doing your little pick up stuff with the goal of getting a chick that gets DMs on Instagram then keep in mind it isn’t cheap to upkeep her look.

Nothing creepy about that in and of itself. College girls are hot. I’d love to be fucking college chicks into my late 30s. I actually agree with a lot of what you been saying about Leo in here but it’s also clear a lot of your own stuff has been brought into it as well. This probably isn’t the best post I could of made to be agreeing with what you been saying I think “game” and this overly logical approach to trying to get laid is over represented in here.

This is well put, and it's actually quite common in this day and age. A lot of women do have to rely on themselves and no one will just help them and give them money. It can sometimes be unstable. When she is the "girlfriend/woman" and receives support for being in her feminine she is also aware it is less stable today in modern society if the relationship were to end. She would have to then start all over in her career or pass up career opportunities. I would say this is also one of the reasons dating has changed so much in the west compared to say 60 years ago. Not saying it's a bad thing but just one of the factors. I'm even running up into this in my relationship. She has to move for work and think of her own survival. She has said before "you can't expect anyone to take care of you except yourself." It's a truth in modern society where both men and women take on working roles. I'm at the point where I really am prepared to tell her to leave the job so she doesn't move, we will find a place together and I will cover all the rent and food until she finds a new job in the city we are in. She is this important to me. A lot of women will refuse a deeper level of care and receiving because they have felt it end in a bad way before and then they have little money in the bank and missed out on career opportunities if they had relied on their masculine edge originally instead of their feminine. Not all women have parents they can just ask money for if they need to pay a doctor's bill or cover rent cause their friend bailed on paying it this month. If you want a hot feminine girlfriend for a longterm intimate relationship, you need to be at least prepared to pick up some of the slack here for her when necessary, or just screen and find a chick that has rich parents or is career focused (be prepared for her to be manly often and priorities it over the relationship).

lol but that is not actually how it plays out, I'm sure you know. If anything I go find a dark corner of the club to make out and mess around a bit

Well, I'm not sure I would go so far as to say I want that. In a way, I do a bit. Let me explain. I sometimes just desire other beautiful women I see and meet, they look so good and I just want sex with them. The thing is I wouldn't want an open relationship to fulfill this desire if she would be hurt by it or if it would mean the end of what we have. I very much want to go deeper with her. Our love and working towards communion is more important than that and I value that more. I would be willing to compromise on these desires if it means a deeper union with her, but they are still there to a degree. The sex with her gets better the more intimate we get so in a way I do mostly feel fulfilled sexually and we are always reaching new levels so I love that. I just have a lot of angsty desires still, the feeling of freedom and wanting to be with more beautiful women. I absolutely would not want any other guys having her. No way, it's out of the question for me. So I realize I may need to compromise if I want to fulfill a deeper desire I have which is being only with her. Also keep in mind I don't have this open relationship thing with her so if I was actually given the green light to have this I'm not sure I would even like it. I just have desires for other beautiful women still but I love my girlfriend and want a deeper monogamous relationship with her as well. Hmm, interesting perspective. I see what you mean. I don't feel I want to sleep with other women when I'm with her. My sex life is absolutely fantastic and it just keeps getting better and better with her. It mostly just arrises on days we don't see each other and I have sex on my mind all day.

I couldn't imagine not being able to pay for a $5 coffee for a girl I asked out on a date, absolute blasphemy. Jesus, we aren't saying pay for her university or buy her the latest iPhone here. I'm also against buying dinner as well on a first date or doing anything pricey until you have sex. My personal limits is drinks until I know we have a physical connection. Just ridiculous how guys are so tight and insecure about this. Get your finances in order if it's a problem. If your girl is a keeper she will even pay for you sometimes as well.

Fair enough, but don't rope in all spending as some sleazy gesture of simply buying your way into a girls pants or keeping them around in a relationship cause you don't have other qualities. That is not true. There are more nuanced and conscious ways of framing it. You worked hard for that money and it means a lot if it comes from an honest place. Women will fall back on their masculine edge if they feel like they need to rely on themselves to take care of their own survival. So if you want to keep her feminine just be open to not being cheap. I'm not talking about throwing around gifts like dollars at a strip club or spoiling your girl. You can spend money on a nice romantic holiday occasionally or if there is something specific IE my girl wanted to learn how to use old cameras, I studied this in uni, so I bought her one so we could make some art together and teach her. It melted her heart and she constantly brings this up to me how sweet this was.

Anyone know any good books on this? This is exactly what I'm working on currently. Deeper intimacy and the most deepest and profound sex with the woman I love in exchange for some of my freedom.

Any advice on acknowledging the "animal" side of me and balancing it and integrating it into my relationship with my girlfriend? I love her deeply and I want to be with her. The thing is there is part of me that holds back sometimes from loving her fully, still wants sexual experiences with other beautiful women, the feeling of the freedom of not being committed in a relationship, etc. My main focus is the deep love for my girlfriend and I want to focus on this more but the other side feels neglected when I do and it pulls me away sometimes. How can I resolve this?

Passionate love after a couple months of fucking with a chick can happen with little cash, sure. I mean yeah, it's possible sometimes, but try to live by some vow that you will be cheap and not spend money on your girl and see how that relationship goes for you, especially if she is a bombshell of feminine beauty. You've already seen how it has turned out with not buying a coffee. Also don't delude yourself, when you spend that extra money on a nice airbnb when on holiday cause you know it will impress whatever girl you meet there, you are basically spending that cash on the girl. When you buy a table at a club, etc. It's just being done indirectly. That is not the only reason guys feel the need to pay. It feels effeminate to split a bill. If your finances aren't in order where you can't take on more of the provider role when needed then there are going to potentially be some big problems. I'm not advocating for some sugar baby situation here but this idea you can just bypass the provider role, good luck, I've yet to see that done consistently. All the top players and dating coaches are rich and spend tons of money on mansion parties and creating situations for the most beautiful women to come into their lives.

I really appreciate your views here. The first half I'm with 100%. Some of the weaknesses are framed in a way I don't agree with. Regardless, nice points.

I'm actually considering it. Nothing is tying me down here. We are going to discuss it. She isn't even that passionate about this job. Money isn't a huge issue either, in fact we will have more free time where we are now. I'm going to try and discuss it over with her. Her flat lease is up this month. I am going to tell her I want to get a place with her here but will also consider moving with her. Agreed, and also she told me she really trusts my direction (she said even more than her own when it comes to rationality, clarity, planning and stuff of this nature) so I have that going for me. She also told me she has never loved anyone more than me. We are both deeply in love and committed. This isn't a matter of one side not being interested, we both genuinely want to be together. I haven't given up on us. I'm going to work it out with her!