Lyubov

It's funny because it's entirely flipped for me. This may be a core difference between men and women? For me it's almost entirely on a sexual level. I don't mind if she has been deeply in love with other men. I want the sex between us to be on another level , comparable to how much she loves me and how deep the words she has spoken from her heart which she says are some of the most powerful she's ever said to a man.

Ok so I have some updates because this was just really on my mind and I knew this is something we inevitably had to talk about because I know I would be holding back until we went through this together. My girlfriend really loves sex so I suppose I feel some insecurities knowing she has slept with a lot of other men. This is a classic "having your cake and eating it too" mind/emotion thing I'm going through right now because I love that she loves sex. We were just having a heart to talk, talking about sex, etc. I decided to ask her and she said she doesn't wanna count it and didn't wanna answer it. I respected that fully. I know she even feels a little embarrassed about it. It's hard to gage from my end, it could very well be more than me. She asked me to throw out a number that I think would be high for her and so I sorta just said the first one that comes to mind (50). She said she didn't think she has had that many partners, and was uncomfortable so I didn't push it, but the topic sorta changed into something else (more on this later). I've mostly been with other women who had less sex partners than me and that has usually been my experience so this is kinda my first time being so close to someone who may have had more than me. My girlfriend is a sex goddess so I understand why she has explored her sexuality like this. She REALLY loves sex. It's just that she very well could have had more than me and it's hard to stomach this. I also then asked to know how good I am compared to her past lovers. This came up as well. She said I was in the top 3/4 for sure but she has had better. I inquired on this a bit more (she is embarrassed talking about sex) and she said it isn't so much the psychological aspect, how I look, how I physically am, but rather the technical side needs work, like sometimes my technique is off, I'm still learning how to choke her properly and sort of give it to her in a way she is really into. She has told me some incredibly deep things from the heart, how much she loves me, how no man has ever made her feel this loved, how she feels I'm "the one." Stuff of this nature. I'm not so into oneitiss and soul mate talk (I'm more practical and not into dressing it up like this, I do deeply love her though) but she is a woman and is very romantic like this and has basically said stuff of this nature to me. I suppose what I'm feeling is that if she feels this deeply about me in this way then I want to also be the best she has had in bed so it's also sort of painful knowing I haven't quite reached it there yet. It's one thing if we were fwb, I wouldn't care as much about any of this, but we are really close and she has said some incredibly deep things from her heart about how much she loves me and how she has never loved a man so much before. It's almost a heavy weight to carry knowing this is how deeply she feels about me. I suppose her sexual flings in the past wouldn't bother me as much if I knew I was the best she had in bed but I'm not sure we are there yet and so I'm just feeling bothered right now knowing she has had so many sex partners, potentially more than me. As a man I want the sex to be the best if we are deeply in love and if she feels this way about me. It's emotionally painful to not yet be her best in bed. Any ideas how to further work through this and come out even stronger and closer and potentially even more mind blowing in bed where I can take my proper place on the throne I desire to sit in?

You sound really in your head still. Return to your body and enjoy the club and nightlife. If you hate clubs and are there just to practice game it usually shows through. Continue practicing and being practical, it’s fine to approach a bunch and there are lessons to be learned there for sure. I would look at sort of deeper, inner stuff that could just be fudging and tainting your whole vibe though. Right now you probably give off that sort of “anxious but making an effort” vibe. It’s okay and some girls won’t mind that if they think you are cute or feeling you. Try to enjoy yourself and try to enjoy clubs. If you are having fun and feel in the right place and enjoy nightlife it will give you a much better foundation for approaching. It sounds like you are in the phase where it still feels like work rather than this sort of seamless feel where you are having fun and just naturally talking to women because that’s what men do at clubs. Focus on both the practical but more importantly your beliefs and feelings about clubs and nightlife. You have to really enjoy nightlife if you want this experience to be enjoyable for you and that can really go a long way in attracting women at clubs.

Yeah, I agree it is tricky and sometimes this itch just needs to be scratched. At the same time I’ve met guys who just continue to scratch it non stop. They are fucking tons of new women regularly and it’s very shallow and they are missing the invaluable gifts that lie deeper. I’ve satisfied mine quite a bit but I’m not sure it can ever fully be satisfied through volume so I’m more careful now going down this path. Maybe it’s possible? My friend in his 40s has a kid and has been around the bush a ton and it still doesn’t seem satisfied for him. I’m still in the process of uncovering all the beliefs behind why this topic is so touchy for me and other people, why the number matters, etc. for some it doesn’t bother them at all, others marginally and some it ruins their relationship.

How do you enforce this boundary so to speak? I’ve always had girls I’m with occasionally bring up their ex in some way. Usually in a respectable way that isn’t too bothersome for me and usually from a related question of mine. It hasn’t really ever bothered me too much but I don’t really ever bring my stuff up cause it just isn’t ever at the tip of my tongue when with my girlfriend. I do it very seldom only if it’s pertinent.

yep, and it’s kinda why I haven’t it could lead to deeper intimacy and more passionate sex, thinking about it for some reason makes me more passionate for her, but also I might lose my hand as well going into it so it’s probably just better off pondering the idea and laughing about it here than actually doing it.

Lol I don’t know man I’m not so logical like this. Sometimes it’s fun to light fireworks and just throw them to see what happens. Could be a beautiful show full of excitement or could end in losing a finger.

you've never been curious enough though to ponder asking?

Damn dude, this is really tearing you up I see. First off, I'm sorry man and much love to you. There is a life lesson here to be learned and I know you will learn it and get stronger and better yourself with the wisdom you gain from it. I can see how bad this can get now. For me it's more like a minor annoyance or one or two good solitary cries from total freedom and acceptance of this aspect of my partner I guess for me what my limiting beliefs are: "Was I as special as she said I was to her or just another number?" Her words are ever flowing with the most magnificent love, in and out of bed ,when I am with her. I know you can really trust a woman's words when she is speaking deeply from the heart. Sometimes the more logistical stuff like saying she wants to move in will change, but the sort of core of where her words are coming from are true so I do feel how deeply she loves me and how crazy I drive her. I think it's more so a trick of the mind that wants to poke at this and create doubt and fear of the uncertainty brought about by the ever changing flow of life. Deep down it's poking a belief that I'm "flawed", "weak", " a chump", all synonyms for a bad person (self judgement) and I'm in the process of letting go of that. Second I would say is sort of the beliefs I've picked up through the culture. Stuff like how women should be good girls, clean, not a slut, etc. Thing is, I've found all the really sexy, beautiful, fun, passionate club chicks that basically all these pick up guys dream of getting are not going to fit some puritanical role. They will have explored their sexuality to varying degrees. It's not out of spite of me or any personal reason that has anything to do with me, but because they are enjoying their lives and their bodies. I'm sure it's a ton of fun being a beautiful woman. It's quite impersonal. It does also sting a bit to know I missed out on a ton of action in my early age (18-27). I was never incel but was your average guy rarely getting action, playing video games, girlfriend once in a blue moon, etc. I think as men we age like fine wine and still have plenty of opportunity to have fun, learn and grow into our 40s. I still feel plenty young to have more experiences like this and my young years where I wasn't good with women were foundational for getting to where I am an aged bottle of red wine now.

I feel quite grateful because my therapist has helped me a lot and was just the right fit for me. They do psychedelics and are aware of spiritual awakening. I would describe their approach as holistic but also quite hands off. They don’t really have some major approach, just reflecting and helping processes powerful emotions.

Hey @aurum can you give me your thoughts on my situation? So to preface I've talked to my girlfriend on this topic of neediness and she says I am not "needy" (in the negative sense) at all. She says she loves my energy and how I'm caring yet uncontrolling. I'm quite strong but also soft and vulnerable when necessary and when the moment calls for it. Basically I've fallen in love with a woman that is on a different life path than me. I would say this is our biggest barrier: she is potentially going to relocate to a different country for a job and in general she wants to move to a different country in the future but I'm not 100% sure I want to do that. We have been together for several months now and it's hard knowing this and how potentially the relationship will end because of this. It isn't 100% certain she will relocate for this job but it's possible. She has entertained the idea of staying with me here and moving in together (her words) instead but we haven't really talked in depth about long term future plans. I've remained brave despite of this. I'm trying to balance devotion and faith (which gets a bad wrap today unfortunately when it has a very important role in a healthy relationship) with also being practical. She is heavily devoted to me and has more hope for us than I do actually. I'm just wondering your thoughts on such a situation. It's painful to think about but I knew this from the beginning. I was just going with the flow and being present and we fell super hard for each other. I have no regrets about it though and wouldn't trade it for anything. I've learned a ton about myself, grown a ton, have made unforgettable memories with her and helped her a lot as well. I suppose I just hope things work out for us the long term. I've even been willing to rethink other stuff I never thought I would before like starting a family, if we were to stay together a year or so and still be in a healthy and functional relationship where I felt like this next step would be healthy for us both.

I actually have a good friend which originally was a "wing man" I met online several years ago. Oddly enough the most help we have gotten from each other is just sharing insights about women and inner world stuff. For more practical stuff we would go out during the day and do alright getting numbers but our conversations in general about dating and relationships I found most helpful. Basically all other wing men I've met have been jokers and clowns. I wouldn't take most of the guys yall meet through these groups too seriously.

Thanks! http://www.selfedge.com/ https://standardandstrange.com/ https://www.snakeoilprovisions.com/ https://stagprovisions.com/ https://www.ralphlauren.com/brands-double-rl-men https://therealmccoys.com/ https://freenotecloth.com/ http://www.ironheart.co.uk/ These are some brands & shops I like. I've always felt really sexy and attractive in my clothes and I might be taking this for granted. I've never had any problems finding stuff in my style that looks good on me and mixing and matching it with accessories. I never really thought about how some guys might actually struggle finding a style and might not have an eye for it yet. I would say a good way to quickly improve at dressing is picking up an art hobby. Get some paints, colored pencils, can also be photography, join an art class, really any medium, etc. Focus on just some art for a bit. This will sort of open up an avenue for creativity to flow and start to make your eyes more sensitive. You'll find yourself better at pairing and choosing colors, noticing shapes and lines, how stuff looks different in different light, the feeling behind certain fabric and textures, etc. Once you start training this faculty you can then marry it so to speak with your lifestyle. For instance my style really fits my personality, background, my interests, etc. I would feel out of place (although looking good in doing so) if I were to wear a totally different style of fashion that wasn't really about me. For instance that business sheik wall street suit style isn't my cup of tea. A suit for me would have to look more rustic cause I would feel more home in it.

Wow, I love it. And I actually agree with you that we can't meet all our needs on our own. I actually had this insight when I was going through some really rough times and realized talking about it helped. All those emotions were too much for one person to process on their own. I realized that there are many things I can't do on my own. The pyramids were not built by one person. That took many. I realized now that my own sort of wellbeing is very much about giving and receiving emotional support and it isn't functional to expect only myself to be able to handle it all.

I feel right at home in raw denim, leather jackets, boots, and rocker/biker style clothes. I love motorcycles so it just fits my lifestyle. I feel handsome and sexy. I would say you gotta find something that fits your lifestyle and image of yourself and also a bit how people view you. Some people can't pull off a certain style because it doesn't fit their lifestyle.

I was not there so I'm not going to say I know everything, nor I know what OP or the woman is like. This is just what I sense from reading this and it could be off to some or even a large degree. Basically I have an idea of what happened cause I'm pretty sure I did just this several years ago only our connection wasn't through spiritual stage green stuff. OP, you weren't as fully into this experience (as present) as you could of been and your communication and finesse needs work. When you sleep with a woman, she stays fucking over at your house and you cuddle after till you both fall asleep. Period. End of discussion unless she wants to go herself. You should be thinking about her needs after she gives her body to you. Women need care after a good fuck. Why on earth would you send her home? I understand it can be uncomfortable to sleep next to a new person if you aren't used to it. I basically play on my phone after I cuddle my gf to sleep cause I know it's gonna be a while till I can fall asleep. Either way, you go a night without sleep if you have to or get a bigger bed lol. Took me months of building up to the point where I can leave my gf after fucking her brains out at night and that took a long time to work up to. You just come off sounding unromantic and kinda selfish. You need to read the room better. All this spiritual mumbo jumbo talk just sorta becomes a facade when it's used to dress up a ONS and dating. I get it, you have it in common but you really have to walk the walk and be extra careful if you are gonna dive into this with someone you just met AND be working towards fulfilling your own sexual/relationship needs. This is one of the reasons I can't stand new age chicks tbh. I don't think you had bad intentions or were incredibly selfish. It just sounds like you need more presence, and how to communicate more and how to follow through with care after sex. Work on being more romantic. Old fashion sensibilities on this might actually serve you more than you realize to learn how not to make mistakes like this again.

Do they though? When we say "lose" do we mean a decline in the quality and accessibility of their healthcare?

Basically we had a big explosion of emotions regarding our relationship this past weekend filled with hours of emotional stuff. She cried a bunch, I cried a bunch, and it culminated with us crying in each other’s arms and having very passionate and orgasms for days filled sex that night and then in the morning. We got through it and had a great Sunday together. The details of it aren’t so important but basically it was us realizing the barriers between us and that we might not be together much longer due to having different life paths even though we are deeply in love with each other. Today we meet up again and I can tell she’s still processing what happened this weekend. We start talking about it and she said her image has changed of me some. She told me she didn’t want to offend me and that this was her issue to work through but she feels like a man should be strong and it’s unusual for them to cry and she sees me differently. I can’t help but feel hurt and now less trusting of her to show my emotions. I feel like hiding this stuff goes against spiritual work and being a truly honest, strong and brave man. I feel like I was vulnerable in a well handled way. It takes true strength and courage to cry and express your emotions in a healthy, honest and vulnerable way in which I did. It's not like I was being erratic or crying about my fucking ice cream melting. I feel almost stupid like I made some mistake or broke some messed up societal attraction rule: "boys don't cry." Now I'm worried I'm going to have to deal with the consequences of a potentially closed off partner that is less attracted to me because of how honest, painful and deep this night was between us. This was really hard for me to hear. I don’t think the exact wording of what she said to me is the most important but you basically get the idea behind of what she said. She said it in a slightly judge mental and bothered way but also she could see how her views are harmful and not healthy, in conflict with reality ,but she still had her own justifications for them. Just feel hurt and wondering if anyone can relate to this experience. Makes me want to close down and not open up to her and trust her less.

Women are not punishing men for this. If a man wants a fuck he can learn to communicate clearly he wants a fuck and find women that are on the same page. It makes perfect sense why they would be protecting their heart if they started opening it a bit to a guy that was asking for it and then he switches things up and goes the player route the moment he gets her alone. The only time I've had women bail on me after a first date where it got kinda sexual but didn't go all the way was when I was first starting out on my journey to pick up women and there was a lot of incongruences in my personality. When that sort of raw sexual energy harmoniously dances with the lover side and you've developed a keen enough sense of communication and social skills it's just becomes kinda seamless and you tend to end up less in situations like this that you get bailed on, even if it doesn't go all the way. sometimes you gotta just realize some stuff is out of your control though and she may be dealing with her own stuff.

There is no one post I can make that can cover every facet or dimension of it. You have to do the hard work first, a large majority of it is inner work, restructuring/changing your beliefs, healing your emotions and harnessing the masculine energy within you. The second aspect is less important but still makes up a necessary part of the whole, learning the language of women. How to communicate with them what you want and understand how they communicate back, social skills so to speak and ways of communicating your truth and desires. Most PUAs over focus on this. I would say this aspect actually sort of fills itself in with just experience and going out to see women but you are gonna miss a ton of lessons if you aren't doing the first because all your emotional issues, lack of body awareness, etc will be getting in the way. you have to be putting yourself out there and more importantly working on the beliefs/emotions that are holding you back, quite literally holding energy in your body back that women want from you. A lesser talked about aspect here as well is sex. You have to become a sex god. You may not have the opportunity yet to improve in this domain but you need to become incredible in bed. The experience you get from this is more advanced but it's basically the next stage beyond a lot of stuff talked about here. The lessons and energy you get from this will permeate through your body and soul and women will absolutely sense this. It's often over looked here cause a lot of guys are still just learning to walk (talk or get a date with a women in a bar or in class or work or wherever).

a lot of guys are still constricting themselves to a model that they think makes them attractive to women but it's keeping them from reaching the next level with women. my gf could of lost attraction in me for crying but that is precisely why it's a risk worth taking for reaching a new level. each time around a man makes himself slightly more vulnerable and potentially sets himself up for rejection. a very shallow version of it would be talking to a woman at a bar, it's really nothing compared to taking really big leaps in a relationship, crying, and opening up. many men can barely handle the rejection of just talking to a woman. it's one of the reason so many people have very shallow relationships. the men reach their limits and are afraid to take a risk to go beyond them. it's true bravery to put it on the line and risk it for a deeper connection.

I've had several experiences from both sides and I've noticed the sex is so much better from the sort of "boyfriend/lover/passionate" frame than the quick sort of "I don't give a fuck about you, just give me a fuck" frame. Far more emotions involved in the first so it just heightens the experience tenfold and sex afterwards is usually much better. There really is little opportunity to getting good in bed if you aren't going to take some time diving into and mastering the experiences presented in the relationships in the first frame. I would say the second frame oddly gets easier to transition to at later times if one is wanting to take a break from the first. It's counter intuitive how many guys try to master the second frame when it's the first one they need to really dive into to get good at the second, usually as a byproduct. I've noticed girls will stick around much longer even if it just stays a sort of FWB situation if you are willing to put your heart in it some. With the later I've even found myself losing interest in girls that are otherwise quite attractive and good for some fun, but there is little feeling behind it so it's more just like scratching an itch.

having been with women on this level, I can tell you it is important but not nearly as special as you think. it kind of becomes the new norm and then you are left wanting deep connection still. it's to be chased after and exhausted but if your dating life solely becomes about dating someone hotter each time you will make very little progression. in fact you can pierce through what society has told you about these women and see half of the reason why you want them so badly is because of the status it makes you feel, not because they actually look the way they do.

My girlfriend and I went to techno party/rave the first time we met. We had amazing conversation and connected instantly. She came back to my place that morning to cuddle but she didn't want to have sex. She just had laser hair removal lol so she firstly was self conscious about down there. We basically dry humped in nothing but undies and did stuff with our hands and she orgasm'd a bunch but she didn't wanna take her panties off and do the full deed. That was fine with me cause what we did was still pretty graphic and we ended up doing it next weekend. Several months later I was feeling a little jealous like "why did she not just give it to me that night, was I not good enough for it?" and she basically told me she was absolutely head over heels for me the night we met and was terrified if she gave it all out that night she would of felt super easy and hurt if I didn't call her back or lost interest in her a week or two later. So sometimes you can be so amazing to a girl that it's good to just introduce sex over the course of a week rather than all in the first night cause she may be afraid of feeling used.

well, I just had tonight with her probably the most passionate and amazing sex we have had to date so I would say maybe this was just a sort of strange thing for her to process and we are closer than ever now. but we talked about it and got through it even stronger. I've learned from this that it is possible to cry in front of a woman but you also have to sort of follow through with leadership, passion, strength, own the crying, make her feel safe when showing these expressions. Think of a noble man crying while giving a moving speech, controlled, honest and vulnerable vs an out of control child throwing a tantrum. Don't leave her hanging. Setting aside insecurities and just communicating how crying is natural in men given certain situations, etc. If she trusts you and cares about you she will be open to learning about male vulnerability and expanding her beliefs if handled with wisdom and leadership both strong and subtle. I agree. some people are overly controlling of trying to seem attractive in hopes it will keep the passion alive when there is actually an abundance of it if one owns these parts. it's a very important threshold people have to pass through to really connect on a very deep level. and I'm not sure if this process ever ends if passion is to be kept alive. it's scary because in a way one could be rejected for being vulnerable so it's a risk, a much deeper version of approaching so to speak. you're just making yourself vulnerable but to the depth of an ocean of one's heart where as talking to a stranger at a club is basically nothing, it's surface level shit.