Myioko

Things I feel happy about today: Because it's too easy to focus on the bad things -Happy pet rabbits -I found this glass bird the other day in the storage room -I got my A1C tested today and got a 6.5! I haven't had that good of an average blood sugar number in 6 years -The trees are almost at peak yellowness -I'm going to do homework tonight while listening to an audio book while doing it- no reason to not enjoy it, I'm going to have fun with it and not worry about how fast or slow I am -I went and got my blood drawn after weeks of procrastinating that. It's not that I'm afraid of getting blood drawn but I still feel reluctant/queasy while there -Nails are painted a shimmery silver-faintly rainbow color -My hair color looks nice against the color of shirt I'm wearing -I don't have a headache today -My room is overall clean -On the animal crossing game a new villager moved in today -Pretty sky -I arrived at class late this morning but I'm glad I went, because I had the strong urge not to go and to sleep instead because of being embarrassed walking in 20 min late -It's November and the weather is perfect and it's still sunny most of the time, but more interesting compared to summer because clouds and rain still comes from time to time -I bought tasty bread at the store, it has seeds and grains in it so it tastes way more interesting than usual packaged bread and is good picnic bread -While walking to the university this morning I got trapped in a horde of middle schoolers walking out of a bus (field trip?) and one boy was waving at me and I pointed at myself confused and was like 'me'...? ' and he nodded and so I waved back and then he waved with both arms and I mimicked him -This morning I started to move a carpet and my family's cat was there watching me and she jumped almost 2 feet in the air in surprise and she landed in a Easter basket that happened to be there and it made me laugh (she was ok and unharmed) -I have a bookshelf full of my favorite books -I have a car -In my dream last night I was looking in a mirror and saw that I had many many wrinkles and was 75 years old and so when I woke up I felt relieved and felt young again -I'm less distracted compared to last week

Concerts I've been to One thing that I'd like to do more in the future is go to more concerts. If I ever live in a city, I really want to take advantage of/use the resources there to find concerts, museums, and activities to go to. I should keep my eye out for more fun things to do in Las Vegas because it's only an hour drive away from me. During Christmas break I think I'll visit Zions National Park, Bryce Canyon and some of the gardens in Vegas/other activities in Vegas. I should go to Zion's more often because it really does have some beautiful spots there, I could paint there, and I could use my Type 1 diabetes as a free access pass to national parks. 1. Sting I went when I was 14 a few weeks after I was diagnosed with diabetes. It was in Vegas and my mom was originally going to go just by herself, but she brought me along because she didn't want to leave me alone to figure out how to eat things and calculate insulin amounts and give myself shots - I was still trying to figure that out. I think she was also very worried about my blood sugar going low during the middle of the night. I was eating a lot of omelettes, string cheese and meat at the time to limit the carbs I ate. I remember being the only younger teenager there besides one other boy, among many other older adults. The music was alright, I thought, the music was good. I enjoyed it but I didn't fully appreciate it like a fan would. I had never been to a concert before (besides the bands and musicians playing at outdoor festivals for the general public) so it was still a fun experience, even if my attention span became bored by the very end. 2. Bastille I went to a Bastille concert at UVU when I was 20. It was ok... I didn't like the music too much but I was still glad I went. 3. Big Bad Voodoo Daddy I went to this concert sometime soon afterward, with my mom and sister, in Vegas again. I didn't know the music when I got there but I really enjoyed listening to it and the overall atmosphere! This was my favorite concert I've been to so far. I haven't listened to it since but I might listen to it more today. I remember seeing a young couple in their 20s/30s swing dancing and all dressed up in the front and it was fun to watch them have fun. 4. Mika Mika! I went to see a concert of his a few years ago when I was living an hour away from L.A. It was stressful driving there because I realized halfway that my pump ran out of insulin and I was freaking out a bit. I was already very upset with myself for missing an Andrew Bird concert because of being absolutely overwhelmed with school and midterms, and a couple other things going on that day. So for a bit I thought I would miss the concert, but to my luck I actually found some spare medical supplies in my purse, which I hadn't expected at all. Once I got to the concert it was very fun but still slightly anti climatic. I think this could have been because I had already listened to his music enough so it wasn't new to me, as well as I was in the very back so it was harder to see anything. I remember re-listening to his music again a few months earlier that summer (and spontaneously buying the concert ticket), while I was traveling and finally alone for a day in a private room after being in hostels/around people for so long. It was also the day that I became sick with a very sore throat, a bit feverish, and tired, which was good timing for being around others at least. So I spend 2 days mostly lying in bed listening to Mika and playing neopets for the first time in several years. It was a very pleasant room to be sick in though, I liked watching the train pass every few hours, the view was pretty and there was plenty of sunlight so it was a cheerful room, and I'd walk once a day to a nearby Thai food shop to get food. Those two days were also the end of a diabetes fiasco, where I was traveling internationally and had ran out of insulin and it was such a pain/anxiety to find a Dr. who would sell me insulin. And once that Dr was found, it was a lot of wandering around the streets while sick and hoping that my phone wouldn't die and that I wouldn't get lost, and awkwardly knocking on a huge wooden locked door, wondering if it was the right place. I was pissed off at myself for not preparing better, but also at the pharmacy and my own Dr. for not renewing my prescription in time, and for not allowing me to have more than 2 bottles of insulin at once.

Tangled: 8/10 Sure, they're like a typical cute Disney couple. (if they were in a modern high school they would be in the 'popular straight people' friend group I think) Also any Disney movie that features floating lanterns as a romance scene, no matter the couple, gets 2 points extra for being romantic. I also was super into this movie and the romance when I was 14. I think I was a little bit jealous of Rapunzels expressive femininity when I was 14 so that was why I was drawn to this movie. I also liked how genuine/honest she is. I also related to her naivety. The Princess and the Frog: 5.5/10 I NEVER LIKED Prince Naveen...I didn't dislike him either though. But I liked Tiana as a character. She was super practical and down to earth but I think with her circumstances and not having the luxury to mess up she was more forced into that. Aladin: 6/10 or 7/10 It's hard to say with this movie because it's been a while since I've seen it, a long while. Also my older sister was strongly against both of the characters and that rubbed off of me. Aladdin makes me uncomfortable to watch in the movie/stressed out, because of how far he goes with his lying. But that also is more realistic for a clueless teenager boy who has a strong crush. Beauty and the Beast: 7.5/10 The ending kiss was well done imo and yeah the character dynamic is odd in many ways but overall it still works for a movie. Pocahontas: I'm conflicted about this one because if I were 6/7 years old again I would have thought 9.5/10 but now I just feel uncomfortable with this couple, learning about the history on it and how really messed up it is. So I'll give it a 3/10-7/10 Hercules: 4/10 I'm...just not a fan of either Hercules or Maggie, character-wise. There's nothing wrong them at all, I just don't relate to them when I watch the movie. Tarzan: 9.5/10 or 10/10 It's been a while since I watched this movie as well, but looking back on some of the clips, this couple is really cute, and even I can tell they have a lot of chemistry.

Bambi: 7/10 Yeah it's a little odd to suddenly have him be in love with his childhood friend. But it's kinda cute. Sleeping Beauty: 4/10 Hey this scene again...but this time the Prince is slightly animated, he smiles. I also remember him fighting a dragon, so that gives him a bit of character. I'm also biased because Sleeping Beauty has such a pretty style, so that raises it by a point. Hunchback of Notre Dame: 6/10 I have mixed feelings about this couple - they break the main characters heart which is sad. The blonde guy has funny sarcastic quick witted lines, but at the same time he isn't really my style personality-wise. But he's funny enough to raise a point. Esmerelda is beautiful/hot enough to raise two points. I admit they do have some chemistry I guess nooo Little Mermaid: 6/10 I don't have much to say about this couple...the movie does play on the romance scenes a lot. -- I do think though that a lot of people dislike Ariel but I actually overall like her, and I think the 'I want more' song is oftentimes misunderstood as simply being just ungrateful. The Lion King: 7/10....perhaps? It's been a while since I've seen it.

Rating Disney Couples (just for fun) For a quick character and reminder and chemistry test I looked up 'top Disney kisses'. I'm also only rating Disney characters that I've seen in the past 8 years or that I watched the movie a lot as a kid. 101 Dalmatians: (the humans) 9.5/10 I really like Roger and I like his style, they have a cute classic romantic get-together, and I love the overall style of the movie. Even though Anita has a very 'normal' regular classic character, I think her book character she was written in the 1950s. (I re-listened to the 101 Dalmations audio book many many times in the car as a kid when I was 5-8 years old, my parents eventually became sick of it during car rides. I haven't listened to it since and now I want to.) Cinderella: 5/10 It's hard to say with this one because I don't know much about the Prince character. But I'm happy for Cinderella for leaving her abusive step mom and sisters and that she seemed to get her happily ever after. Frozen (Anna and Kristoff) 6/10 They have more interactions together, are wholesome and they're cute, but...that's about it? I'm not strongly rooted for them or anything. Snow White: 2/10 The Prince is like a cardboard character, unless I'm remembering wrong. Snow White is a bit better only because she has more screen time...to be fair though this movie is reallly old and that's impressive! (even though on production in the film, they were sexist towards the artists) (And how old was Snow White in this film?) I think the problem with many of the Prince characters is that they don’t get a fully fleshed out character. Why is this? Is it because the target audience was girls? Was it because most of the animators back then were males who preferred drawing females? Were the classic written fairy tales just more focused on the female characters and if so, why is that?

Mood:

Yesterday I went trick or treating with my younger sister and I think it was probably one of my favorite trick or treating years ever: I hadn't done anything Halloween related in years so it felt more novel to me. I went as an adult for the first time so I didn't bring a basket for candy and I didn't ask for candy but nearly everyone offered me some (I'd take candy, but not interested in eating it.) My sister was fun to go with and she dressed as Cruella De Vil. It was fun looking at the decorations and costumes and we walked no longer than 40 minutes, whereas in past years I'd walk in uncomfortable shoes until my feet ached in order to get the maximum amount of candy. I decided to dress up as a class Halloween-y character and nothing too novel, just a victorian ghost. But I was happy enough with the result from what little time I had to put it together. I bought an extra skirt ruffle to give myself the right skirt silhouette at a thrift store by cutting a cheap black frilly prom dress in half, I wore a raggedy cloak that I found in the Halloween closet that I wore years ago for Halloween, I painted my face white, wore a wig I had, and on top of everything put on a sheer, rag-edy ghostly fabric. ((me 13 years ago, deciding last minute to look extra scary that year. I remember my older sister had a lot of fun doing the creepy makeup, and making my hair frizzy...and I had the 'scary' facial expression down )) The first ever Halloween costume I ever remember wearing was a lady bug, and then going out trunk-or-treating in Phoenix Arizona at a church party. Then the next year I dressed up as a princess in a very itchy dress. Then another princess in another very itchy dress. There was one year that I really wanted to be a black cat after seeing my sister dress up as one, around the princess year, but my mom later told me that she discouraged it because she was afraid my cat-like tendencies would come back re-inspired if I dressed as a cat. The Halloween party afterwards wasn't as fun because there was no theme to the party, it was the usual socializing with strangers - strangers for me - I didn't know most of the people there, and drinking games, and eventually a few friends and I went outside and we played games and talked about our favorite and least favorite obscure Harry Potter characters. I left an hour early because my head hurt and my contacts were bothering me and parties often overwhelm/bore me. Also I forgot to mention that all of the trick-or-treating happened on Saturday night, because Halloween landed on a Sunday this year. I guess it really just depends where you live as to which day kids go out trick-or-treating? Nobody knocked on the door Sunday night. Today was Halloween #2 and I slept in, played Halloween themed Animal Crossing with my sister, cleaned as much as I could, took a nap because I still feel strangely tired, and then had Halloween party #2 but a chill version of it with snacks and games and a late night walk. --- For next week, now that the Halloween festivities are over I'm going to focus super hard on getting work/study/artwork done...my goal is to get everything I've been needed to get done, done, by the end of the first week of November. I'd really like to eventually be slightly ahead of everything instead of behind. I'm so used to the feeling of always being slightly behind or just barely catching up on things which is tiring and I have a hard time having a peace of mind with always the thoughts of deadlines lurking in the back of my mind. And a lot of that could be solved by practicing emotional management practice, time management, being less impulsive, and taking up less responsibilities and knowing how much I can realistically take on.

I also found a weird potential correlation to this, but perhaps it's just my imagination (it is my imagination but I mean, not making things up) In the last few days I've taken more naps than usual because of how tired I am. I set a timer for 20 minutes, with a couple after in case that doesnt wake me up. Usually I'll fall into a half sleep, a blend between being awake and asleep. In this head space, reality and hallucinations are very blurred together and hard to pick apart, and I made it a sort of game to listen to the imaginary noises/voices coming to my head before I fall asleep, it makes it easier to quieten my own thoughts and fall asleep - and I noticed that the sounds all seem to be on the right side of my head/imaginary ear! I wonder if there's a scientific explanation for that? --- Also reading back on this I can see how it comes off as very strange lol. From what I've read, hearing noises before falling asleep and right after waking up is normal and is a certain brave wave state. It would only become a problem or unusual if I heard anything from outside of sleep/resting my eyes/being in a tired headspace, which I don't. It's pretty calming to listen to, like listening to ambient music or the static of voices and sounds coming in and out of different fuzzy radio stations, and it also has a feeling of floating/bobbing on ocean waves. I'm interesting in noticing different brain states and patterns during the different sleep cycles, along with the visuals/noises, so I just like noticing that kind of stuff (and I should be more interested in meditating but I'm not for some reason, I have a hard time finding the time for it.) The blurred lines between imagination and reality interest me as well, and to me the 'half napping' stage feels like imagination/hallucination thoughts that are blurry and muffled out like thoughts below an ocean surface, near the surface but not quite. And in WILD method dreams this breaking away from above the ocean surface is at it's most sharpest, when I can clearly notice when visuals, sounds, and feeling suddenly turn into a real and tangible experience. --- Imagining and hearing audio hallucinations as I fall asleep on the right side of my head could also do with physical factors perhaps, like me sleeping on a certain side too. *shrug* --- Falling-asleep noises/thoughts: Is in between real sounding and in-my-head. Leaning more towards being in my head but just much much louder. No sense or structure to them, with an abstract rhythm, at times the most sense that they make is that they have aspects of music or sounds or thought patterns that I had that day. Kind of like the scraps of my food for thoughts at the very end of a day being recycled. (I call these 'noises' because they don't really seem like thoughts at all, (which is interesting to think on - what makes a thought a regular thought of mine? Thoughts during the day spontaneously come to my head and I call them mine.) Day to day thoughts: Thoughts that pop into my head are more like that, thoughts. That seemingly have a more cohesive story and sense to it that seems like 'me'. They make sense to the story of my life. Quiet, regular thoughts. Dreams: Combining the two streams of thought.

Happy Halloween! (do these songs count as Halloween-y?)

Why do I feel slightly depressed each morning? I still could improve on working on the basics: Getting outdoors/walking, having a cleaner room, getting up on time and not lying in bed, getting up earlier but not rushing things either. --- I guess I can say that I'm REALLY not a morning person --- It also doesn't help that I scheduled my time last night and I found that I had -13 hours to get everything done in the next 4 days, and now -16

The sky was super pretty a couple of days ago Watching the construction cars go back and forth The random piece of trash (a tin can?) being in these photos I took a picture of far off hot air balloons and only noticed this looking back later - a rainbow cloud!

In a ceramics office at the school there's a fancy shmancy lighting photo setup and I took a picture of these last month, before they were glazed. I'll try to remember to take more pictures of it tomorrow. And then today I took a picture of a little bird box I made. I meant to make it a big bird box but I ran out of clay. I also ran out of time, I meant to sculpt little birds or something to go in the box crevices. The assignment was to use only flat clay panels, cut them out, and put them together, which was quite limiting and I didn't have time to make anything more than a box with two half mini boxes within the box.

This evening I've been experimenting with finding the summary/simplicity in writing down negative thoughts. I had pages and pages of thoughts in those words alone today. But I like how short and blunt this is. I can do most of the venting in my head and the rest in my private journal. On this online journal, I can be more short with venting, for the sake of expression and quickly jotting down thoughts, but not for anything else. I'm trying to get better at not giving much fuel to frustrated thoughts, while still realizing and acknowledging that they're there. Next off on tomorrow's post: Finding gif's of 'characters' for each year's theatric play of my life, per year That should be interesting... ------ edit: (will delete later) 'I had a bad dream' woke up with that song in my head SLEPT IN GOD DAMN- will go to class late, no cares, don't care about interrupting selfishly in my dream It was Dune inspired I think. I was in sand dune deserts and there was these secret camp base, where to enter you had to find the secret entrance, read the clue, then tap/send vibration pattersn down The girl outside was very nice I climbed up a very pretty hiking area, it was steep i almost fell a letter sent to me, the objects when touched turned to cockroaches and dead chickens then alive chickens saw an orchestra play, high on mountain top, i thought: i want to play harp with them

Ah jeez I should fall asleep soon, I have to get up at 7 a.m. But for now I'm enjoying listening to music and thinking. I want to draw a short comic story once Thanksgiving or winter break comes, I've wanted to draw something classic dark Little Mermaid themed for 2 years now I think. I keep coming up with different versions and feelings of alternate Little Mermaid stories in my head. The version I had in my head last month was a mermaid who gazed off into the gigantic city lights each night, and who eventually made her way through the winding glowing red/purple/green city streets, and in the end her heart became filled with anger and she took revenge on the Prince in the end, having to kill him to fulfill a prophecy, only either her or the prince could live. What I had in mind before that was a mermaid who lived somewhere very cold, with icebergs. Right now I'd like to draw a mermaid living in the clouds, who's never been to Earth before, gravity keeping her up in the sky. What's different from sky-mermaids vs angels, is that the fall down to Earth is much harder since mermaids don't have wings. (Maybe I could add tiny Cinderella elements, what if birds were messengers and sometimes flew up pet rats to the clouds? ha. I do love rats.) I also have a strong aesthetic and color theme in mind: Pastel blue-green, sage, turquoise, lavender, rose, marble statues, white dandelions, sparkly fountains. I'm also thinking of the Last Unicorn again, when she turned mortal. (and I know the movie wasn't altogether great but still..) Thinking about mortality, and also her fabulously white hair. The words from a song came to my mind, and I think I'd like to connect the two: 'Life is short but love is old.' I love those words! Whenever I listen to this song I get the words mixed up in my head though and I expect her to sing 'Life is short but love is bold.' I think bold is a fitting word as well but not as well fitted as old. It's the end, friend of mine It's the end, friend of mine time is over where we could simply say I love you Now you opened the door Leave me crying Trying to embrace you again Trying to face this damn situation man I can't It's the end, friend of mine It's the end, sweet friend of mine dear friend, I cannot tell the reasons why we started well Good time, give me some wine when you open the door You seem hurt, don't try to speak a word to me What on earth could really go wrong with you and me? Yet its the end, friend of mine It's the end, sweet friend of mine time seems to be over where we could simply say I love you Now you opened the door I feel cold Wakened, I hold you in my arms Told you that life is short but love is old It's the end, friend of mine It's the end, sweet friend

Today was one of those days where the fear of not being able to trust myself or follow through on my intents towards action came back strong. It was also a day where everything felt uncomfortable. I changed my outfit three times, and each time I was still itchy and uncomfortable, hot or cold, never right.

I never went through teenage angst, all of my feelings were safely boxed inside and I thought I was happy, I was happy but I was limited in many ways unknown. And now I'm living out all of my delayed teenage angst in my 20s. . . . I think I read this in a Moebius interview or book somewhere about Tintin having no sexuality/sex appeal, and I still feel like a Tintin in life. I don't know how that thought is related with the above thought, but it came to my head. . . . Related to asexuality, It's easy to label myself as asexual, but aromantic is much more of a placeholder label for me. I've never fallen in love with anyone, but that isn't to say I can't fall in love with anyone. I just don't expect that I will! For the most part I don't understand how smooshing my face against someone elses face is appealing. And I really cannot understand how people can stand living in the same bedroom as their spouse/partner.

At last, after half of a fall semester of hardcore scrambling and stress in trying to catch up and always being behind, I'm...not behind. (To the point of dropping/failing a class however.) I'm just trying hard to stay afloat now. There's relief in that, but not as much relief as you'd think. And the uncomfortable feeling of 'being behind' is still there, and in being stupid. Maybe not quite as strong. But most of the time I feel like I'm doing things wrong, that my priorities need re-adjusting, that I know I'm not responsible enough, that I'm behind on other neglected areas of my life.

@modmyth Oh yeah. Committing is tough! I wonder if this is especially a wide-interest-perfectionist type of problem for people? Because you have a wide variety of interests from what I've read/seen from your journals. When committing to a project, do you have a harder time sticking to a cohesive set of rules/style, or the original plan of that project, or just the endurance of it? (I was thinking the other day how I should become more flexible and accepting in the things I have around me, the 'rules'. Like an analogy for that is if I go to the grocery store, I can make an infinite amount of recipes. But I can intuitively choose the ingredients I want, with some plans, but no pressure. No need to get so overwhelmed because I can stick to my go-to 7 ingredients. I often get overwhelmed or dissatisfied about not creating or doing the perfect thing, not discovering the right ingredients, but sometimes making all of those elaborate decisions isn't quite so necessary and...minimizing, having less, just going with how im feeling is more important.) For me I have invisible globs of art idea projects that have been swimming in my head for years that I haven't even started, with some of them I haven't even started and already some of them I've exhausted myself out of them, or outgrown them, or formed the ideas into something else. So the idea of it can be quite heavy. Or while doing a project, in some ways it does actually become old, from either repetition or from trying to push past that initial 'magical idea stage!' into a fully formed thing, it's hard to meet up expectations with reality. I've realized that for the past 5-6 years part of my problem (as well as growth) with formulating ideas, style, life choices, how I think and everything, is I've become addicted to map-planning. So when I come up with an idea for a project that I love and resonates with me, my plan-making mind will grow dissatisfied with the framework of that plan and I'll tear that plan down in search for perfection. And this goes against the importance of finishing things, there has to be some sort of balance between the two... (one solution in life: make mental framework as wide and loose as possible...!! ) I've slowly become such a stickler when it comes to creative authenticity. (if what I'm thinking creative authenticity means is the same as you/if I'm understanding what that means) Like, it's gotten to the point where I'm in danger of being extremely impractical at times with life + art and finding it fit, just because I want to stay true to what my current interests and explorations in art are. I refuse to make art that I think other people would like, unless it's for a specific person in mind as a present or project or assignment/job. And more lately I can't stay consistent in an art style, even though I know professional artists eventually become pretty cohesive in their art. What do you mean by it not having anything to do with a paintbrush/pencil/medium choice?.. - The ideas and expression behind it? Yeah. I think choosing to care deeply about something is necessary and scary, and it gives people a lot of growth, going through the full range of emotions, and they can learn a lot from that. I have a hard time admitting when I'm serious about things and I'll sometimes try to cover them up with jokes or avoiding the question from others of what I think about a certain topic. But at the same time, being too serious seems to be downright stupid, frustrating and unproductive at times at times heh, and give a lot of mental weight. That's how I felt when I was depressed TBH, I was soooo serious about everything. (so yeah - how to strike that balance, how to be genuine, fun and caring towards life without being rigidly afraid and somber?) And I think that too, always figuring out what to show vs not show to others, how, why. I'm always going through that in my head. I've always been ridiculously optimistic on the inside, but in a very secretive introverted way, sometimes to the point of lying to myself or being unrealistic Thats awesome! Well it's such a specific thing to be interested in and at the same time broad like you said. Also I can't read your mind so I don't know exactly what you have in mind/your interests are with this, and with me it's very vague to talk about as well and I'd rather just make something first than talk a lot about it lol. Very vague. It's creative visual world building that you have in mind? What are some aspects of fantasy world building do you find interesting or would like to make? And are you more visually inclined or writing or both? (you don't have to answer all of those..) With the Codex book, I do love it but personally I'm not as interested in drawing absurdist surrealism, I like things to have an imaginative realism feel and I guess I'm not as humorous. With your aesthetics journal, there's a lot of overlapping interest there, almost all of it either I think 'ooh I love that and want to learn more about that' or 'I like that and have seen it before.' So whatever you end up drawing I'm sure I'll end up being interested in. (Fashionable woman on the top picture=holding a pheasant? And I like that robots friendly marshmallow bubbly legs. 50s/60s retrofuturism is so charming)

I've been in a bad mood and not been feeling well for the past few days (I should get my iron/b12 checked?) and just feeling unusually drained, besides yesterday evening when I painted outdoors for two hours which was very nice. My emotions and my willpower and my practical day-to-day functions haven't been working together, although I have managed to do well within classes this week, it's outside of class where I lose focus. Small things have been making me randomly tear up, such as: Watching Survivor with my family and a couple of people getting emotional (talking about her mothers death), and I'll get emotional as if I'm actually there with them. Or crying-laughing from sadness of resurfacing feelings of the past, randomly, just because. Or, the weather will be so beautiful that I'll almost cry... ...My past self would have NEVER admitted to that because of sheer embarrassment. What always has come to my mind when I hear the words 'tear up' I think of that Harry Potter scene in the Goblet Of Fire book scene, where Rita Skeeter lies is the newspaper about Harry Potter, "His eyes filled with tears as the memory of his past swam before him", something along those lines. Harry was annoyed/embarrassed, and that was exactly how I felt as a teenager too when it came to emotion, whether falsely accused of it or not. And although I'm writing about emotions right now, it still isn't something that I voluntarily show in front of other people. . . . I had a dream last night that I was at a school for learning all about paradoxes, and there was an insane asylum room, and in the room I opened a strangers journal and I read through their progression and drawings escalating into 'insanity' (psychosis). Since the dreams are all made up in my head I wonder how that reflects in my own life, yiiikes. Even in my dream, I started wondering what the correlations between creativity and insanity were, because the mans (I imagined the journal to be a mans, but I didn't know) drawings took on more creative/interesting/chaotic looks by the end of his journal. His drawings also gravitated towards the right top corner for whatever reason. Right now I'm scrambling to put together an artist presentation for class, the deadline snuck up on me and I forgot about it. I'm trying to look up information on how the artist Tomas Barcelo makes his sculptures, because I've been loving looking at his sculptures for the past couple of months, it's hard to find any quick information on that so I've been stalking his instagram for the past 20 minutes. He sculpts in this white clay and I think he casts things in resin...? And on top of his paintings, does acrylic and even used some colored pencils. Reading this article about him https://www.treehugger.com/thmb/W5oUMDztzdCuZlsNVYiDcMxGy58=/1250x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():format(webp)/retro-futuristic-sculptures-tomas-barcelo-4-28a77606de95428e8cf13c9b65d8a55b.jpg "There was something in the Truth of ancient sculpture that allowed me a reprieve from the emptiness I felt in the classrooms. My fascination with hieratic sculpture has not ceased to grow. [..] For too long, I was focused only on the language of sculpture, and I forgot the content.” "I believe that sculpture is the art of presence. When you look at a painting, you look at a window opening to another world; the sculpture comes to look at you. Sculpture shares space and time with the viewer, and that is what makes it so powerful.” --- Some ipad art venting from an hour ago. I was looking at the different types of random weird textures there were. I used the turpentine and the flame brushes, I think This was the first drawing that I did, because the image suddenly popped into my head and I wanted to draw it out before I forgot it. I rarely have time to draw out what flashes through my head, because it's frequent, as is my moment to moment thoughts. The rest of the other doodles here were started with little idea of where I was going to go with them, a more abstract blind-in-the-dark following feeling and seeing what comes up.

A poem Titled: A poem! I've been away For so long I guess I am now A woman Wandering 'round Fingers cold Of late heather grown In the October storm A mind once was dry and Blistered Now it sits in the wind and Listens A heart was black And frozen cold Now it is red With a vision thats bled A rose thorn in disguise Is this what it is? With the Seas Cutting promise Coin blood moon, Neither, nor A dual project ------- ~picture searching/pictures I like today/expressions~

A day about nothing Today was as lazy as a day could get. I could have done more, I had the will power and strength to do more, but all of my trying has added up and I just want to go away on a deserted island and stare at the sky and read 5 books. (I refuse to feel guilty about being lazy today...I try not to feel lazy. (future me edit: Was kinda guilty the next day tho)) Yesterday I didn't feel well and I made the unwise action of binge watching 3 hours of tiktoks last night before going to bed, and then another hour of half of a movie. (why me, why?) I don't understand those feelings/actions nor do I have the energy to figure that out at the moment - why do I simultaneously crave chaotic internet consumption + hours of silence/doing nothing away from the internet? On tiktok I started to see a bunch of Dune themed things. I'm worried that seeing that all will intrude in my thoughts as I'm reading the book or going to see the movie. Things like: Timothee Chalamet's face is shaped like a bike seat! Timothee Chalamet's facial expression in the movies looks like this sad intense puppy eyed stare the entire time! People who read Dune are pretentious af! I watched sections of Rocky Horror Picture Show on amazon prime, after seeing a tik tok interview of Tim Curry, where he was talking about how he did love his acting job but it got tiring after a while to dress up that way. (makes sense) From what I heard, he came up with his make up look himself. I remember watching it at a friends house several years ago during a lunch break (and skipping choir class?) and when I saw it, that scene I had watched previously in the movie 'Perks of Being a Wallflower' made SO much more sense. The movie is very rememberable/unique but I got tired of 2/3rds of the way through, it started to become claustrophobic-indoors-overly sexual feeling to me My favorite scene of the movie is the 'Rocky! Janet! Brad! Rocky!' scene, it's just so hilarious https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEl6564m97I Anyways...as for today: My mind felt especially fragile and worn today and too tired to think, and a lot of that simply had to do with having a headache paired with my roller coaster blood sugar numbers from the past few days. I woke up late feeling like a dying cockroach writhing on hot cement to put it dramatically My headache caused me to bury my forehead in my pillow and feel nauseous and want to sink my thoughts into cool nothingness. (But I didn't actually feel terribly bad.) And when I tried to get up to do just simple house hold chores, I'd end up just not being able to act like a regular human, and I'd just lay on the ground and not want to do anythinggg. I did more nothingness later that day. I finally got in my car and drove around for a little, drove to the store to buy chocolate, paused to think of how unmindful I was being, then drove away. Then as I drove away I thought about how pretty it was outside and that it wasn't unmindful to buy chocolate if done correctly and really it was just about the level of guilt involved and that all that mattered was how I was feeling in the moment, and I drove back and bought ingredients for chocolate strawberries anyway. The best kind of nothingness happened later today around sunset time. I saw that the family dog was very bored, so I decided to take us a walk around the hills. It was absolutely gorgeous weather out and it was windy but not too windy, and very cloudy, and I decided to go off the path and go rock hunting and I found a rock that was the exact same colors as the sky was in that moment. And I wondered how old that rock was I stared at that rock and the sky for another 10 minutes then walked some more. The clouds were dark and covered all of the sky except for the far end of the sun, where it began to look like the sky had split open and it made a pretty interesting light effect on the ground, where it was both dark and yellow looking out. And then after 10 or so minutes it suddenly became dark and the cool yellow tone light turned into an over wash of darker, flatter blue-purple light, which, looking at the more darker mountainy portion of sight made me feel oddly like I was in a Lord of the Rings film in the rockier parts of middle earth (what animals do these clouds look like?) After doing a great job of having nothing-thoughts, and my headache quickly diminishing as I walked, on my way down the lights from the town sprung up and I was soon walking in darkness and as usual I felt as if I felt more integrated in my own body and mind but in a very broad unbordered floaty way, because of how dark everything was. For a moment I thought I heard music playing (probably distant music from a house far away) and I imagined that when I turned the corner that there would be faerie lights I could follow that looked similar to the streetlamp lights I saw. Shouldnt more deserts have stories about fairy lights, not just old forests? - And I imagined the music louder, as if cellos were playing and bells and singing, and maybe there would be the slimmest chance that I would run into a weird random group of people singing and dancing in a circle in the middle of nowhere, and that would make my life a lot less boring. I got home and thought oh shit Halloween is this week and it hasn't been on my mind and I have a Halloween party to go to on Saturday. What should I wear? I searched my closet, then the storage room, and found a lot more in the storage room that I had expected, such as an actual hoop skirt and a pirate shirt and a few other stuff. A lot of costumes I recognized wearing throughout my childhood. To my disappointment I couldn't find my velvet long black skirt, which I had last year, which looked witchy enough. Instead I found a bright almost neon yellow crop top, a silvery colored wig (the only wig I have, which I ended up never using for a costume), and black starry sheer, so I might combine those along with searching for more clothing later on this week, to make some sort of starlight-faerie-witch, with a black feathered cape. My sketches of that idea turned out to be more bird like, almost knight like, maybe from the Zelda world (the bottom drawings of the page) but the top ones look more witch-like. Playing dress up was surprisingly fun because I haven't done in several years. I don't think I've actually put together a Halloween costume since I was 16 After some thinking though, I decided if I can I'm going to dress up as Sally from nightmare before Christmas. I ended up doing a bad fast fashion thing and buying a red long cheap wig off of the internet so that may or may not come in time. I thought about dressing up as the bride from Corpse Bride (I think thats what the movie is called?) because my hair is the same colors as the bride in that movie, but my face shape is round and so it matches the character of Sally much better. I have a shirt that matches her outfit really well. Either way, doing the makeup for one of those characters would be fun. Color references - the colors change dramatically in bright light vs shadowed light in the movie edit: I don't think the wig will come in time My plan #2 is the star faerie witch, I guess. If I have time to go shopping on Friday.

Vegan Brownie Recipe This was about my 9th attempt in my life to make vegan brownies, and most previous brownies were a disaster. But these ones didn't turn out bad and they weren't overly sweet, the closest thing they reminded me of were those cake-like brownies that I used to eat in buffets. Next time I'll make them I'll try baking them a few minutes less and adding in more chocolate chips. 1 cup + 2 tbsp milk of choice 1/2 cup + 3 tbsp oil 1 tbsp pure vanilla extract 1 cup flour 1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder 1/4 tsp + 1/8 tsp salt 1/2 tsp baking powder 1/2 cup brown sugar 1/3 cup white sugar 2 tbsp cornstarch 2/3 cup mini chocolate chips Cook at 330F for 16-24 minutes

In last nights dreams I saw some pretty WEIRD stuff, and I think this may have been because yesterday morning for a little while, I had been looking at strange monsters or costumes on the internet. This was the most disturbing one - my mind was repelled but at the same time curious by it. Since this was just pinterest, there was no information in it - is this an actual historical war outfit or is it contemporary art? (and how would they take it off?) 'Margaret Neiman wearing a mask drawn by Man Ray 1945' Not that weird, just a lone cloud Promachoteuthis sulcus, a deep sea squid, with human-like teeth By Don Kenn (noo rabbit no)

@modmyth Yeah I've thought a lot about how to combine drawing creative world building type things, especially in the past few years. For the past several years I've known that the direction I'd like to go in with art is something with both art and story/pages, but stylistically for a while I was pretty lost in what I was interested in. So I'm starting to figure that out more now. I do have the beginnings of a plan of an art project that I want to work on for the next 3 years, but for the next few months it will still be a lot of figuring things out. Thats so cool that you have a copy of that book! I have it on my kindle although it isn't nearly as good looking on a smaller colorless screen. I really like the make believe biology/science and the plants. I like how that book had thrown out all of the regular art book rules and he just did what he was interested in and it worked. Also I LOVE that other book you shared from the 15th century, wow. I'll look more into that tomorrow... --- I'm actually very interested in going in that direction (for now, in making a fantasy world art history book), in making a bunch of art pages and put it into a book as if you'd open a book and it's this guide/history/art history of another world, where everything seems familiar but very altered. Like some pages could be the evolution of fashion costume, others could be early on technology but it's different than our own, some pages would be just mysterious graphs or symbols. And besides being very fun, imaginative and freeing for me to draw, I'd also have something to look back onto as concept art so it could become useful as well. It's a weirdly specific thing to be interested and want to draw but I just want to roll with it and follow my interests, also I feel like I might just be able to pull off. (compared to like, a graphic novel, which I would love to try out some day but seems like a very daunting project to do, and has to be more orderly and thought out.) --- Like I just think these fashion future predictions (by W. Cade Gall from the 1800s) are just lovely, and as funny as future predictions can be I also love looking at them unironically