Myioko

I fell asleep for an hour or more, my throat being very sore, my eyes heavy and tired, the feeling of oncoming feverish symptoms. I sank into instant dreams and sounds, my first thought being: There it is again, I'm imagining all sounds being in the upper right corner of my head. If I could point a finger placeholder to where the sounds originate, it would be my upper right nose bridge right below my eye. (I just looked up in my past dream journals for that time I wrote about experiencing this - but I couldn't find it. If top right wasn't the case in what I wrote earlier, then I guess I've proved myself wrong and that's perfectly fine.) I saw a dark blue skinned woman with 6 arms, her hair a radiant woven braided magenta, her many eyes scattered across her face, an eye on each palm of the hand. Here, take an eye. There's plenty to share. She said. Then, I was back on the forum, I was writing a reply to @Loba s comment about synesthesia but I wrote an altered answer. What was it again? It was something about combined senses. It 'made sense' in the dream. Hmm. Then my dream formed into me going on a car ride in a vintage 60s car, and I was trying to change the song I was listening to. It was a beatles song, but imaginary. It wouldn't change. I felt it, how it used to be the song I listened to when I was young, and now I'm 24. 'You'll listen to this song 'x' amount of times before you die.' My dream told me. My dream visuals changed, standing around my family, grandparents and an imaginary dead grandmother, she was black and white like the moon (moon vibe dead grandmother, it made sense.) my parents talking about how happy they ended up being to send imaginary grandmother off to an elders home. My dream told me: 'Here is a graph of how much longer you have to live. Your life is a third of the way over.' I felt a sense of loss. Am I afraid of dying? Am I afraid of not living? A question holds more answers than an answer holding more questions, I thought as I woke up. Maybe that's nonsense.

Drawing by memory: Last night at 11 pm I drove to my parents church with my sister, it was an orthodox church. My parents converted a few years ago after being lifelong mormons. It was...boring? It was late, some little kids were sleeping on the floor. For an hour I stared at the icons with the intention of remembering them and drawing it down once I got home, but it took me another 12 hours before I drew anything. When I was a kid each Sunday in sacrament I would either draw, or I would stare and stare at the wooden panels in front of me, in search for looking for pictures within the wood abstract patterns. I like to try and remember interesting strangers that I walk past by to draw later on, but I always forget. There was also an adorable toddler who was napping on his mothers shoulder that I tried to remember to draw later. With him being someones baby and everything I didn't stare too long, but his features were awfully cute and he had snowy blonde hair and interesting eyes, these huge lips and a tiny nose. I wonder if anyone who has had/has babies would see this drawing and think: 'Yeah that looks nothing like a baby/toddler.', because I've never been around babies much. I know when I first drew my pet rabbit, I wasn't used to seeing her, so looking back on that drawing it just looks cartoony to me because my eyes hadn't memorized her looks yet. After an hour I became very tired and bored with it being past midnight, and I asked my younger sister if she wanted to leave and she said yeah lets go, and we got up to leave and she said 'wait I'm gonna tell dad we're leaving' and he told her not to leave and so she was like 'we can't leave, he'll be upset with me!', but I was like 'I'd really like to go, I'm tired, it's my fault not yours that we're leaving so don't feel bad.' I just get fed up with the repeated guilt trips he always told me, convincing me to stay no matter what I said. She feels too bad to talk plainly to our parents about what she thinks about religion, just like I used to be, only she's more self aware and less indoctrinated compared to me when I was her age. So that makes me frustrated. Like: They did that to her, they didn't make it feel safe for us to speak plainly what we ever thought or believed, as well intended as they were. Should I talk to my parents about that or not interfere? I was curious about the little speckled black creature blob in the bottom corner, I think it was getting speared in the throat but the picture was too far away to see clearly. It looked kind of cute.

Fleeting thoughts of the day Rainy grey day, slept in, piercing headache. Essential oil to help the pain go away. A dream of claustrophobic portals in space and the end of the world: claustrophobic leap of faith, then gone. Cold turn against brother, selfishness, forgiveness. Old childhood: Cold? Too many secrets. Too many thoughts, frozen. Drawing, going on, making chocolate oranges with mother, listening to Mannheim Steamroller Christmas music, new songs, new music, tired of the old. A short thank you note, relief it wasn't a complaint. Picking up the pieces of my life, starting again, nothing. Wandering, walking, more rain. Underrated music find: Tom Furst https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y26WZJg7gCU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NcEOMOftnA https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9EO_gfldoU and Sondre Lerche https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qg_vsqEn1M

Another internet-place that I've nearly forgotten about, that I might use a little more now that I've remembered again, is Tumblr. Do I understand tumblr yet? Definitely not! But I had a lot of fun looking through some past things that I've saved and liked, and now that I've gotten used to some of the format, it's a little more appealing to me. I just use it to follow and re-like a few people's and blogs posts, or sometimes look up a topic myself. For me right now I used it as a hodgepodge of all the internet-use places merged to one, and since it sits in the middle, I sometimes forget about it's existence. But I like how I can just scroll down the posts like a regular blog, that there's white empty space without adds. I also like how I can click into archives and see everything that I've saved in each month. https://reyvens.tumblr.com/

Not my mood but a song pattern: IDGAFF! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7R_KZukpDe0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EidaD0Kd7Q4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmH76zhcJSM So I re loaded tiktok a few months ago and spend more time on it for a month or two because the algorithm finally knew what I liked and I instantly went from 'this is all boring and overwhelming' to 'this is funny/creative/really interesting stuff on here!', and now I can't take seriously that Willow song 'meet me at our spot' which I posted at the beginning of these journal. The repeated trends and songs in the app do sometimes drive me crazy and make me loose my interest in certain songs, and when I scrolled through videos, most of the time I would by default turn the sound off and read the subtitles instead. I really do like how creative a lot of the videos on there are and my opinion has completely changed about tiktok, for instance there's a lot of song and sound collabs from users all over the world, which layer on top of each other, and the best sounds trend and a collaborative thing emerges. (It's nice because it's all fun and play and little work in making a thing.) But at the same time I realize that I really don't need it in my life to enhance anything. So instead I delete the app, re download it every month os so and look through it, find things I like, then delete it again. If I'm on tiktok and my feeling of boredom doesn't kick in within half an hour, then that's a sign that I should delete it again before any feelings of addiction or lack of focus kicks in.

I watched a few of her videos the other month. She's TOUGH in this video Making your own pigments sounds interesting and fun to scavenge the materials for, but a lot of work. It looks good for abstract painting, I wonder how grainy they feel. They really are earthy toned colors.

Ramblings: Music, sleep, and feelings I woke up with this song playing in my head - I wondered, was it a dream song or a real song? Oh, a real song, I fell asleep again to music. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXzZrhgItLo In my dream right before I woke up, I was at work at a garden shop and all the colleague workers were called together for a meeting. 'Let us all join hands in a circle and talk about FEELINGS' What a strange workplace, I thought. Before that, as I was falling asleep at 4 a.m, I was listening to these songs and I focused on the noises. Not unusually I was having a small identity crisis over nothing in particular that I could pin point. Where were my thoughts? What am I thinking about? What are these abstractions, feelings, impressions? -- Over planning? Do I feel nausea? I know I'm restless. I think I'm sad, and cold. Why hold on to any of these thoughts and try to capture them? - And I felt like a wandering lost mind. I guess the closest that I can say is that sometimes I feel like the regular boxes and organizations of my mind loose their grip and I don't know where or what to be like, and I feel too spread out. As if the smallest gust of wind could blow me away. I'm nothing, I'm no one. No clear thought, no clear action. A thought-story I gave myself? Oh, an unfinished fiction story. Fleeting thoughts? Burn those (or let them pass by.) But what do I hold on to? ...I'm ANGRY at time though. I just want it to all merge together cohesively and to have my feet grounded in reality and routine. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9lNKBnWC2Q https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iZGrp8M3Oo Yesterday evening I took a walk and I felt completely at peace though. Outside of my room and house, I no longer feel the distractions of the objects around me, and the air was perfectly cool. And I was making my re rounds with this music album: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PoMy2oMg7VI&list=PLfiMjLyNWxeYiTmYmJt-3WSWgxv0j8zx6&index=8 Yesterdays nap-dream was incredibly strange too. It was the usual reoccurring dream of just being in a cult and trying to save my pet rabbits. I woke up from deep deep sleep, disoriented, wondering why someone was knocking on my door in the middle of the night - with my mom at my door: 'Elisabeth. Hellllo...wake up, you were going to go get that shot, remember?' Ah shit it wasn't night, it was 4 pm. I was sleeping in for a shot for solving sleepiness. I had fallen asleep on the floor while waiting for my phone to charge. It took all of my effort to wake up and say 'getting up', for a moment I was frozen. I've just been so tired lately, and I looked at my blood test result the other day and saw that I was low on a few things, so that's what was going on. Maybe I'll feel an energy boost from the shot in a couple of days from it. When I walked in that place, I got an instant blast of 'Christmas smell' and remembered that it was December. . Late night, candle light I saw this in the IWSMT website. Wouldn't it be cool to use this idea to draw fantasy structure buildings over ancient architecture?!? I dyed my hair after over two months. I liked the faded color as well as the newer color, so I like it either way. . . . Yesterday I was listening to this song And I've always, always wondered with this album cover....'Hey that looks SO much like that actor from this youtube tv show..!' (he's seen in later episodes) But I could never tell if it was him or not!! I would look at his face, then back at the album cover, and couldn't tell for sure...but then yesterday I looked up his name, zoomed in on a direct picture of his facial features. In the show from what I can remember he was the only non-comedic/not asshole character Yess...that IS him! It's got to be, those eyes are exact replicas. Mystery solved! Nowhere on the internet that I've seen had said that it was him. . . . I'd like to find more art album cover replicas, these are the only ones I could find a few months ago Now back to doing things, finalizing things before Christmas, walking to the post office, doing doing, moving forward, little time to waste.

I hope that you’ll be able to find some free time to process things and take it easy, Flume. 30 hours of work sounds exhausting and stressful on top of everything else. I’m sure most people would understand not getting sentimental/thoughtful gifts this year if they know whats going on. Thats really kind and thoughtful of you to have done well thought-out gifts in the past, and that your still thinking of them now.

@MuadDib My brother lived in the Netherlands for 2 years. Seems like that was the best place for him to go to fit in then, since he’s very tall. A lot of my relatives make me feel short when I’m around them! ?? I’m 5’11”. So no heels needed, unfortunately!

This makes me thing of the Percy Jackson book scene where they wander into a shop and get trapped in these spine-expansion devices that murderously makes the victims taller. I didn't know that though! Cool stuff.

I listened to this this morning and found it helpful - I liked the story about how when he was a kid he had set up this huge play-battle with his toys and then he had this moment of being too afraid of playing or doing anything. I didn't feel that way as a kid and I didn't hoard things, but my hoarder-like tendencies came out in physical objects since 2020 because I was stuck at home so much, and before that, with having such a tiny room, instead of objects my hoarder-like tendencies were in thoughts instead . . . Earlier this year I had bought a few books off of thriftbooks and one of them was not an intentional buy. I was super confused when I saw it and at first I thought that they had misplaced my order, but after some thinking about and looking into my order, I realized that I had bought it thinking that it was called 'The Book of Norse' instead, (woops, how did I not even see the horses?) I think I had been clicking on books about old norse, and then when this book popped up as a recommendation I quickly clicked on it, thinking it was only the hardback cover version of another books. Because I was reading a bit into ancient languages at the time. I didn't return the book either because it's very heavy and 600 pages, and it was very cheap to buy in the first place. I didn't read the entire thing but I read a lot of it, and because of the mess-up buy I wasn't AFRAID to start reading it because I had no known choice in getting it, after getting over my initial buyers regret. And I liked reading it and didn't feel stuck, a whole 600 goddamn paged book about the 1800s art of horse riding. (The most interesting sections to me was reading about how women were to ride horses) This shows how afraid I am in using or enjoying what I have that I think of as important, with held expectations in things, and wanting to use and do things right. Still though, lesson learned with spontaneous buying, the future things I buy I'll be a lot more careful reading into it and selective, rather than having the urge to collect cheap books when I see something that is cheap. Note to future self: Write about materialism, fast fashion, the urge to collect stuff. As well as greed and guilt within myself and the negative connotation as well as the reality those words and feelings have.

Somehow my life has gotten busier than it had been before finals week. Oh boy. This is because I've been picking up things that have been getting neglected for a few months, as well as I'm going somewhere for a week and won't have much internet access so I've been preparing today. Yesterday was my last class and the emotion I felt was an unexpected one, instead of relief or happiness or satisfaction I felt sad and blank and tired. But I think it was the good kind of blankness that I needed to feel. Also it was the first rainy day in weeks/months, leaves falling and gusting in the wind, perfect dreary walking weather! Some strange interactions at the post office earlier today: The lady in front of me was sending off a gigantic box of lollipops, apparently someone had stolen the first box and so all the kids who had gotten vaccines were left lolli-popless with only a bandaid as a present. (who would do such a thing lmao. Why steal cheap lollipops?) And then my whole interaction with the worker there was awkward as hell, and I think this was because I was already feeling nervous about the day ahead and I had promised to meet up with friends 2 hours earlier but things kept getting delayed. And I was having some medical problems/issues with getting prescriptions ready and found, as usual. ((Bad omen - is my pump is going to fail me while I'm away? It's happened before at the very worst time)) I was frantically trying to tape up my boxes, I 'borrowed' the tape that was for sale there so that the others behind me wouldn't wait, so I was already jittery. And then the cashier/worker told me 'oh it's okay...you don't need to buy the tape' and I said no I will buy it--I will--I was just using it early--' and then the conversation went into how I was so tall and how was dating for me?? Is it hard dating men because of how tall I am?? And I ended up saying that I don't date anyone under 3 inches shorter than me even though that was a complete lie, it was something I just said off the top of my head, and then she was like 'oh, 3 inches? Surely no more than 1 inch!' And the conversation just got awkwarder from there. My cat is attacking my keyboard now so I'm signing off I don't think I'm going to/can use this forum or the internet for the next 6 days, which is good I think, I could use just reading books as a change.

Cal Newport, Philosophize this, Under the skin: I will check those out! The podcasts that I've listened to the past at least half way through are: This Podcast Will Kill You: They talk about diseases, biology, viruses and the history around it. Normally I'm not interested in those kind of things but they are so well spoken and have really pleasant voices to listen to, and the history behind it makes it very interesting. I stopped listening to it once covid hit because I became tired of all the virus talk, but I might continue listening to this. (edit: warning it does get gory and gruesome though, because of the nature of disease and history) This Jungian Life: This is the one I'm currently listening to...so far so good! The Chickpeeps podcast: Hosted by Evanna Lynch, it's fun to listen to if your specifically into veganism and Harry Potter. My favorite episodes were the ones with Elliot Knight! It helped me have a less pessimistic view on the world and food when I listened to this in 2018 and it helped me feel less excluded while changing my diet Wolf 359: A sci fi fantasy podcast, it kept me very entertained for a few months. The major downside is that the main characters voice can get annoying, as well as the characters bickering. Also the podcast started off comedic but turns into a drama several episodes in. But the plots were interesting and held my interest (even though they could be a bit chaotic), (the last several episodes I wasn't super into though) What I liked about the story was it started off with 'nothingness', just casually working in space, and then information about the characters and story was revealed bit by bit, so not to confuse or overwhelm you. The Draftsman show: An art podcast, is entertaining and makes me laugh as well as learning about art. Specifically, making your way in becoming a professional artist and learning your craft, not the history behind art.

@modmyth Running in sprints is a good way to describe it. I usually think of it as quickly building a framework for a house (with all that creative energy) and then one that energy subsides, it isn't quite as important to think as sharply, focused or creatively because a lot of the groundwork has been done. I think it's pretty unrealistic to be actively inspired, which makes working in a creative profession seem like a very hard balancing act to do; how to be inspired on and off without imbalancing or breaking that motivation. When I was younger and just did art (or even reading) just for fun, there wasn't any resistance involved because I stopped once I pushed myself long enough and felt like stopping. But I do remember, even when I first started to learn how to draw, there was always energy and effort involved in creating things, just a 'fun' kind of effort. On the other hand, too many people settle for the normality of not being inspired for the majority of the time...but this could also depend on the type of thing someone is working on I guess... Ah ok. I think I've been more prone to creative mania/intense focus/obsession in the past few-several years, but only at times, and not so much before a few years ago. (not so much a learning mania though! does that feel like intense curiosity to you to learn?), I guess that could be because I had a sort of learning/creativity shift around then but I didn't (and still dont) have the patterns, flow and structure to express much of it, so it can be frustrating balancing all that stuff and not going down 15 paths at once. SAME I remember writing something along these lines (addicted to mapmaking) in the earlier response or somewhere in the journals but yeah, wouldn't it be nice if the mind would lean a little more towards contentment and going along with what is being creative, as it's being created, and playing off of that as it's happening in the moment...instead of missing a new and better idea or thing out there and fantasizing about it and being non committed. Yes it's a little bit of both and everything: wanting to stick to a style or actually make something for a little in order to actually have tangible results, while at the same time not caring about making more well put together or professional art. I care, I don't care. I'm conflicted! That is interesting, I wonder if it's because music speaks more directly to peoples emotions. I don't view music as being too much different than visual art really, but I feel like music is much more interdisciplinary and connective, creativity-wise, or it has the potential to be. At least, I get the sense that it is a more direct experience for the listener. (And thats why I love experimental movies that have great art as well as music, and story that all comes together to create an experience so that it all fits perfectly together, but anyways) And visual art has a much wider range of use, often going towards more money oriented, commercial things. A part of me just tells me to stress and care less: as long as I'm working, honing my eye for what looks good and in my taste, and just keep going, things should fall into place I'm glad to hear for you. Also this is reassuring to me at least when I hear things like this, because the day I turned 21 a couple people told me 'Congrats, now everything will go downhill from here!' I thought: Um excuse me?! Downhill in which ways? Mentally or physically? Mentally I'm already at a low, I hope to not continue to go lower. Sure eventually I'll become less physically strong but I can handle that,, and looks-wise I really don't care. **thumbs up - yes ** edit: but yeah this is something that I've been trying to remind myself on a weekly basis, in a more of a vague unknown way/not in those words exactly Style-wise very experimental and multimedia (and still incredibly vague..), like, ink and pen and flat colored watercolor and gouache and a lot of warmer toned colors. Writing and drawing in goldenish and brown hues and dark bronzy red ink. And some of the ideas is seeing a world with fresh and curious eyes, like seeing something for the very first time, and watching the evolution and change and mystery in images. I haven't really started on it much yet because of how awful my time management has been and how busy I've been, but if I do ever start it I'll write about the process and reference/idea gathering here: Ooh cool...that sounds like a challenge. I'm unfamiliar with most games, but from what I've seen or guess, the world building + the structure and rules of the game are very complex together. (And those are just the ideas, I know nothing about the actual programming and making of games.) The 'I don't knows' don't really seem cease to bombarded when it comes to stuff like that. (I'll...stop pestering you with questions about that project!)

@MuadDib I'm glad to hear you saw it! That's a really good picture, it's really hard to take a picture of the moon without it looking like a white blob. When I went outside to see it it was so cool and pretty therapeutic watching the shadow slowly cast itself over the moon, I went outside and slept on a trampoline with a view of the moon right ahead. (last time I tried to see a lunar eclipse, it was cloudy, so this was my first time seeing it), it was a very bronzy red color, darker than I was expecting for some reason. I tried to use my parents telescope but it just wouldn't work properly/something was missing or broken about it. I fell asleep and then woke up a few hours later freezing and so I ran back inside.

I read this as hedonism

To anyone interested watching there's a partial lunar eclipse going on right now and can be seen in North America, Asia and Australia (where I live it's supposed to hit its peak in 2 hours but also its partially cloudy outside), whats interesting about it is that it's the longest one in 580 years .

I can't, I can't stand this anymore! I'm going to go on a walk early tomorrow even if it means loosing sleep, I haven't been outside in two days, and even any walks in the past few weeks have been so momentary. I can't do an all nighter either because I have to be out from 9-6 pm and then straight after that go to my sisters play, so I can't be delirious with tiredness. I don't want another autumn to go by and me to not to even see it, that breaks my heart a little. Thinking of this meltdown scene in Roman Holiday I've never used this angry face before I finally found some of my old childhood crystals in the storage room. Just some of them. Along with that came this heart stone that my sister gave me many years ago. And a glass bird, gotten in Scotland I started a new casual sketchbook-journal-awkward poetry combo a couple of weeks ago. But most of these were drawn or images taped on in one day. and some of the more recent pinterest photos I printed out, facial expressions.

Yesterday I listened to this album for the first time and it was sort of my daily 'therapy music' I also listened to lots of piano music. I was thinking, if piano music was an drawing art medium equivalent, piano note sounds give off an ink feel to me and string instruments have a softer sound so are more like pencils. Last week I listened to these songs by Ane Brun. I saw her 'words' song on my sisters song playlist (and it was a big nostalgia hit for me because I had forgotten about the song,) one of the older playlists that she listened to several years ago when I was in high school (and even though we shared our Spotify account names I still felt kind of stalkerish listening through her public playlists ha -) well as much as I like her music taste and a bit of our interests overlap, I haven't ever gone through all of the songs because of how upbeat most of them are. I can't handle listening to peppy folk music for more than 20 minutes. i listened to more songs by her and I liked this one

It's been a while since I've looked at the weekly Spotify recommendations...but wow I listened to them and was really impressed! Overall the mood of it was 'melancholy/nostalgic old music/instrumental' ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ This is SO cool - I've never heard of it before?? When I listened to this song a couple of times off my phone, I wondered whether it was a womans opera voice or a violin...it sounds like a mix between the two. ITS ELECTRONIC/YOU DONT TOUCH IT. From what I read, its associated with an eerie sound. In this song I don't think the eeriness shows through much but it can in other songs and it does sound a bit other wordly. (from wiki)'The theremin is an electronic musical instrument controlled without physical contact by the thereminist (performer). It is named after its inventor, Leon Theremin, who patented the device in 1928.' And this was my other favorite song. There were several instrumental/ambient songs as well, but usually I'm slower to judge how much I like those type of songs and it takes me several times listening to it to solidify if I like it or not.

@modmyth Thanks for your reply, I'll respond back soon I'm pretty slammed with work/homework at the moment yikes aahahh hHHH

'Now a Terrific Motion Picture' Oh thats nice. How cool is that, I might go check out this new film. I didn't know he wrote other books! (sorry) A sliver of me doubts they're real - what kind of books are called 'The Thing of It Is' 'Magic' 'Tinsel' etc...if they're real though I'm sorry Goldman for the doubt.

@LastThursday I really like that song! It's a really interesting mix of styles, something I haven't heard before. Also now I think that more music videos should have a dancer like that to go along with vocals and instruments.

Tomorrow evening I'm going to nap on grass and maybe listen to music. *yawn* --- edit: DIDN'T HAPPEN https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8R_3mXZBsuU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-TStLN2oMg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_c-p0w8XvA creepy