Myioko

Yesterday was music-listening day and today was audio book day. My repeat songs were these (In the past I would have deemed these songs as boring or weird, but now I like the sort of static ambiance sounds, as well as the words, altogether it creates this atmospheric feel to me) I like how in the middle of the song below I felt like/imagined I was standing down below in a large, dark echoey cave/cavern underneath the ocean with some water seeping through the cracks and pooled at the ground, and then when I heard the words said after that I thought they connected with that visual (something about a part of me that can't be held/is beyond touch) and that fits into the feeling and etherial quality of not being able to grasp yourself in solid boundaries yet still being there, as well as some part of yourself is hidden behind sight of light (dark cave, water finding its way through) Spotify can do a good job at recommending songs once the album ends, it recommended me this one . . . I listened to one of my sisters song playlists, here are the few that I liked. The rest of the songs were too energetic/cheerful for me I recognized this one SO PEPPY And this was nice to listen to the first two times!...after that I wanted to tear my ears out . . . I re-listened to these three songs (Her voice is so calming) . . . My favorite song listening to this once through is 'Is it cold in the water?', I had heard the 'It's okay to cry' song last year but not the rest of the songs. I recognized the 'Faceshopping' song though from Contrapoints youtube video on 'beauty' I listened to half of this but quickly become tired of it. I did like the first 5 minutes of it though

At minute 1:49 I couldn't stop laughing at that sunlight clip: Let there be light!! Suddenly! : - Understanding the appeal towards 'boring clean desk' and not having random gouache and ink stains and stacks of books and shit on each side How nice a super boring, regularly made clean bed is, and the feeling of plopping down on clean-bed at the end of the day (instead of having a computer, 5 stuffed animals, 7 pillows, 4 pencils, a phone charger, a sock, the crinkled up wrapper of a low blood sugar snack eaten at 3 a.m the previous night, the occasional hair tie, and a clock all sitting on my bed. Plus more pillows fallen down into the depths of underneath the bed) Feeling bad for Mrs. Bennet despite me liking Mr. Bennet much more as a kid when I watched the movie, because I can imagine myself becoming reminiscent of her in 20 years if my life continues to trickle into the direction of a chaotic mess Misc: Finding non-fiction things just as interesting to learn about as fictional things, liking weekly food prep (side note: I made a huge batch of soup last week and a day later it got all thrown away by someone...he thought it was old/was making room in the fridge, for 5 minutes I nearly cried over spilt beans and kale), finding listing to outdoor natural sounds (birds, wind, nothing, etc) more interesting than music I do feel this gathering up sense of annoyance towards...never feeling like I have time to draw in my sketchbook, and going days without drawing. Or not finding the time to write, or read. And having an eternity of laundry and little overlooked things always are overlooked and delayed. I just want to figure out all of that stuff so I can clear my head. . . . A picture that feels pretty accurate of my 'living alone in apartment' days . . . I had brought the dog with me on this hiking trail, thinking that it would be safe and clear from bikers because there were no cars in the parking lot. I was wrong, I had never seen more bikers in my life, I had to apologize many times for her chasing after bikes. The leash that I brought wasn't easy to tie up to her (It was the kind that loops around the neck, without hooking up to a collar), and I ended up loosing it on the trail. I think I'll go back and search for it. It's nice being able to walk alone because then I feel free to wander around looking at scenery, little rocks on the ground, sit and draw, turn around whenever I like. This trail was closed for over 6 months, so I'm glad it's opened again. It's right nearby and I feel like a hobbit walking in a LOTRs movie during cloudier days. A lone cloud Dried cactus insides . . . I listened to this album (Sufjan Stevens, Seven Swans (many S's!)) And I was reminded of this really random video and it made me laugh a little when listening to some of the songs, because he DOES mention sister, brothers, relatives a lot Anyway here are the songs I listened to yesterday

Current mood: ??? Weeeee! Yawn. Cry in frustration at the difficulties of navigating the physical world and time I'm not that busy, or, I shouldn't be, but it feels like it . . . Pinterest - misc . . . Spring has sprung . . . I checked youtube today and saw the correlation of these videos next to each other ◯ ◯ . . . Songs I was listening to today as I was cleaning and sneezing from hay and fur: (Do my ears love or hate this song? It's hard to tell) Sometimes I will like/save a song on spotify just because I like the album picture y a y !

@modmyth Thanks! ..Oh yeah that plant does have an art nouveau feel to it, looking back at it. I like selfies to be the least direct as possible I think (Just gonna hide behind a bunch of interesting, shiny objects and call it good) She's a border collie, golden retriever mix

Youtube this morning: "Yea this girl, lets throw her all these recommended videos on 'shame', we know whats up!" Alright, so long as facebook doesn't start recommending me ad options that hit too close to home calmness, clarity, compassion, curiosity, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness!

A new plant A tiny tiny bit of snow I found this song today: Pretty/calming visuals! I also really like it how the lights match up with the music. It makes it so I can almost 'feel' the sounds Spotify song recommendation

Some music I've been listening to this week/past few days: I took a break listening to music for a while, semi involuntarily because I had lost my ear buds and I don't like listening to music out loud. (self conscious about what I listen to, don't want to bother pet rabbits. Minus the 'Castle in the Sky' CD music I played a couple of times out loud, and some classical music.) I like to keep track of when and what I'm listen to things and drawing things day by day, because it creates a time stamp and date of what I've been feeling at the time. Mac Miller: I had never listened to his music before up until now, also I'm just very unfamiliar with rap music. These two songs struck out emotionally to me the first time round listening to them, especially the first, I think it was the visuals and claustrophobic feel that got to me. I was listening to this yesterday. I don't know how I feel about Weyes Blood music/voice and I have to be in a specific mood to listen to it Repeat listen I listened to this song this morning, I think it's very forum-appropriate-themed, ha. Its ok at the very least!

Some words cut like glass. Restless, night-walk time. I think part of the reason I'm grouchy is because I overate today and yesterday. Grrr. . . . I don't know how I feel about this song yet but the aesthetic is definitely there, and the part where the arrow is just flying around like a birds view I really like. Her style is impeccable! I had watched a few Fiona Apple music videos yesterday, and just now I noticed that it was her in this video. I'm reposting this song because I like the words/title, 'A study in vastness'. I might steal those words for something sometime.

Some dreams from the past few days: A small section of my ego/personality that I've been thinking of this past week as my 'Marie Antoinette' aspect of me. Specifically the image I have in mind of her is her stepping onto the guillotine for her execution, accidentally stepping on the foot of her executioner, and saying something like 'Oh, pardon / sorry.' 'Oh ok/sorry' dreams: In one dream I was standing in line to have a sandwich made, the kind where I can pick out and ask for individual ingredients. This teenage girl making the sandwiches, who I guessed (in the dream) she was 16 but looked younger, had an expression of 'faintly rebellious and apathetic towards life', she was chewing gum and had an edgy sort of clothing style. The restaurant looked like an open spaced log cabin, combined with a Mexican food restaurant that I've been to once in Disneyland. When I got to the line I had some troubles saying what specific ingredients I wanted, I said: 'I'll have everything but these few ingredients...oh, and not that, or that.' And she began to absolutely ROAST me. The conversation went to me trying to convince her that I actually was vegetarian/vegan and her being like 'whatever, doubt it.' And I calmly apologized to her despite her being completely wrong about things, and I accepted my half-made, half empty sad sandwich. Another dream I had was the main actor from the show 'Stranger Things', the boy with the longish curly dark hair. In this dream my bedroom was unusually real. I almost never dream of my own bedroom, and when I do, it looks almost completely different and mixed up than in real life, despite feeling familiar within that dream. (I used to dream often of my childhood bedroom, even just a year ago, but even that has faded away) I was sitting in my bed and reading off of my kindle at night, candle lit on my desk, when I heard some noises and knocking on my window, and in climbed the boy. I was confused who or why he was there, so I just watched him and waited for him to talk/explain himself. My desk was right in front of the window, so he hopped on top of my desk and grabbed my lamp, which happened to be on it. "Can I have this lamp?' He asked. "Oh! Sure thing." I said, nodding. But then I thought about it....that was...my favorite lamp. No, one of my favorite things, one of my prettiest, more expensive things! After a few moments I stood up and said "Actually, uh...no, you can't have that, sorry. You can choose one other thing in this room and have it, anything. Besides my lord of the rings books/art books, those are off limits. And...my stuffed animals. And no taking my pet rabbits, of course." "Anything else I can't choose?" He said. "Hm...uh, actually...yeah. You can't have most of my crystals, or decorations, or books...there's a few books I don't want though. You know what, point something out and I'll let you know or not whether you can have it." He looked disappointed, and said that he really really wanted my lamp. I thought....screw that!! That's MINE. And so then I told him to get outta here, out of my own room, shooing him out and back out the window from where he came. Dead rabbit dreams: I'm so tired of these dreams! They happen at least once a week, it's something I need to resolve, it's like a knot in my dream-head. The last 'dead pet rabbit/rabbit in danger dream' I had was a particularly strange one though. Usually these types of dreams ends up with my chasing after the rabbits, trying to capture them in my hand as they run around some dangerous area, loose, or...another animal is chasing them and I'm chasing that animal, and they bite into one of the rabbits and I'm frantic and crying over whatever damage has been done. -- But this dream morphed into a strange ending. My second rabbit, Jasper, ended up being a sort of Polynesian snake God, and he was desperate to escape his caged barriers to return to the ocean. He morphed into a snake by the end of the dream and I let him go into this tall wooden carved pole standing up on a sea dock, and he morphed inside the pole. I don't know what to make of that haha. -- What I do know is that I have this deep rooted fear over somehow being a neglectful person towards anyone/any animal I have responsibility over, and the guilt that I feel over my childhood rabbit dying is very hard to get rid of. I can't imagine what it would be like to be a mother over actual real life human children and having full responsibility over tiny humans...that's nightmare material. These dreams come up whenever I feel like I'm not giving it my all, and all of my attention, towards my pet rabbits. Paying attention to a strange dream character: I was walking to my art class along sidewalks and streets. I had no car, I didn't know how I got where I was, I didn't question it. I just had to get across a street...a very, very busy street. I could see the building straight ahead and I didn't want to be late. There were no crossing sections. Suddenly, a car pulled up and a man rolled down the window. "Do you need a ride?" He called out. "Well...yes, I'm trying to get over there!" I pointed. "Hop on in!" I ran to the street and hopped in the passenger seat of his car without a worry. He began driving again, turned right, and kept on driving. "Oh, you missed the turn." I said. He didn't say anything though and kept on driving. In my head, alarms suddenly went off...where was he going? Why did I get into his car without questioning who he was?...I didn't say any of this out loud, though. As if mentioning it out loud would make it real, or make him angry. "I'm late for class." I said. He hummed along some music, not listening, driving faster. And faster. And...he spun around and began to drive backwards and down these winding streets, down a lava rock hill/mountain. I was scared then, telling him to please stop, your going to crash!! - And he kept humming along and winding down at zip speed, gazing around at different points of the road, at the sky, at his hand, everywhere. Then he looked at me and seemed surprised at my facial expression. "WTF ARE YOU DOING?" I said. He finally was paying attention to me, and he explained that I had no need to worry and that he was very good at driving backwards and sensing things and that him crashing was impossible. I felt very confused then, because I could tell that he was absolutely being honest, yet at the same time...kind of bonkers. He didn't say where he was going, why he didn't drop me off, anything. I suddenly became very curious as to who he was, and I ingrained his face into my mind. (Normally I don't pay attention to dream characters as fully fleshed out humans with pasts...usually dreams are about me, me, me. But this dude was stealing the gravity and show to this dream party as if he was the main character of this dream.) I asked him who he was/where he was from, and he said Arizona, and I told him that I was from there as well and that I lived in Phoenix Arizona until I was 8. He began rambling about other things then, about a treasure hunt he was going on, about his (very strange) thoughts on reality that I don't fully remember, casually as he was darting inches past crashing into things, but not actually crashing. Cars were honking at him, pedestrians almost falling over from avoiding getting hit, but he didn't care. (By coincidence as soon as I woke up, my brother told me that he was bored and awake at night and went out at 4 a.m to some empty tracks/roads and was driving at 80-120 mph and he spun a few times and very nearly crashed while dodging a cat on the road (reckless, reckless..), which was very bad timing, right before the hardest turn. -- I'll probably delete this bit later though -- Just an interesting coincidence, with me having that dream at 4-5 a.m as well around the same time, both having crazy car driving experiences) Smart people in dreams: Right before waking up I was dreaming I was watching a speech on youtube and the person was so well spoken, talking about environmental issues. I had a moment of wishful, almost jealousy at their well spoken-ness and intelligence, and when I woke up I had a momentary small ego boost at the thought that all of those words actually came from my own head. The second thought was: Never mind that, things can sound more intelligent in your own head in a dream than compared to taking a good look at those words in the waking state.

(...Its focus time!...Time to listen to this 25 minute song a couple of times.) ..o O o ... .......

Misc

Moon! I think I already posted this song here but oh well

Day!

I walked downstairs to the kitchen at midnight last night taking pictures of chairs, and my sister said....'What. Are...you doing.' Yes those are fake flowers! I normally don't like fake plants...but this one I do.

(Thanks @Etherial Cat for sharing/the song recommendation!) 2018 vibes (for me): . . . I'm feeling some melancholy/frustration today, for a couple of reasons. I feel at conflict with writing anything publicly though (as I often do), so I think I'll stick with just pictures and music for now. In a more positive sense, this morning I've been having fun making up a personality type system in the back of my head to make some sense of my 'very seriousness towards things to not taking anything serious and being silly' personalty scale.

I heard 'The bird and the bee' in yoga class today. This song came out last week, are parts of it remixes from their old songs? (this was the song that played) alsoo this played and I recognized it --- 2013-14 music: Fall Out Boy isn't...as great as I remembered. (but they aren't bad either!) I also remember getting tired of their music after the song 'Centuries' was playing on re-peat in my math teachers classroom

This pattern was in my dream

ooooooh

Inspiration for using the markers and pens that I have