Myioko

Hi...longish time lurker of your journal here That NZ picture is absolutely mesmerizing, I didn't know blue glacier lakes like that existed...wow! thanks for sharing. That shade of blue/turquoise is one of my favorite colors so I'm actually very happy to see it exists, in large bodies of water (i saw glacier water once in a river but that was it!), it looks like an upside down sky but even brighter. I've found that time has gone by quickly for the past couple of years for me and from what I've talked with other people its a universal experience, time speeding up after you turn 20. Was that the case for you too? It's kind of a scary thought and makes me not want to waste any more moments, but at the same time not be afraid of time passing (because thats a waste too xD). What you said about novelty and consequent emotional stimulation struck out to me, I've never thought deeply about that before, but that does seem to be the case, doesn't it? Moments of emotional highs and fresh, new experiences draws out time. I'm not sure how much in a literal 'in the moment' sense it slows down time, but looking back on it does, such as comparing the memories of a couple of happy weeks traveled vs a few months of hard repetitive work. It's harder to capture the memories of repetitiveness. I wonder if you/I could retrain your brain to draw out novelty and interest from the regular day to day life, similar to seeing new things when traveling. Same here. For me I get very comfy and routine in my favorite walks and trails and walk them hundreds of times until I exhaust my interest in places. I'll occasionally throw myself in a new place, either by force or by spontaneous interest or boredom in finding a new place. It's interesting how different our head spaces can be while walking down the same space each day! Do you find any reasons why some days are more connected or disconnected than others, while on walks, or is it pretty random? (and I wonder if there are any correlations with autopilot and dreaminess/overthinking) Do you like to listen to music while walking or not so much? I find myself going either way, depending on my mood and where I'm at.

@modmyth Thanks! My spotify 'likes' playlist is an absolute mess (is like a compost bin/song pile to figuring out what songs I actually like) but out of those I've been trying to make actual playlists. It just takes time haha. I've been meaning to take more of a listen of your 'music listening' journal. And yeah I love the rabbit painting to! I wonder who painted it. I didn't see it until I walked into a random clothing store several years ago with a print of it hanging on the wall. When my older sister was in high school she painted a super fluffy chinchilla in watercolor in a similar style of that painting and hung it on her wall, and I had always liked it. I'm guessing she saw that same rabbit painting and was inspired by that.

Feeling absolutely exhausted, very hungry, but happy-relieved . . . Also the color red is somehow my mood Todays spotify song recommendations: When I add/like new songs, its only a fraction of them that I still like to listen to many times later on. So with these songs, it's most likely that I'll get bored or annoyed of them after a few listens. But I never know. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypuG18IjHcs https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-oERBst8L0

I'm going to hafta look after this dog for a week while my family is off to visit relatives during fall break. I plan on: Daily morning walks with her, playing tug with her, eating outside while she's playing, watching a movie at the end of the day with her or studying in the living room, and taking her to doggie day care twice while I'm at school. last month - the moon pre-school aged me? I think. I found this mirror at the thrift store a couple of months ago for a very good price and I'm very pleased with the find

Scary Memory Mountain Photos 2016 Who knew mountains could feel so depressing looking back on! The very bright lamppost that kept me up each night 'A grumpy day of drawing' Oct 10th 2017 I had a tiny cramped desk in my bedroom that was probably less than 20 inches wide, with a tiny window, and my mind was so stuck in itself that I was completely screwed: Either I could not draw the glass and I'd feel miserable, or I could draw the glass and feel miserable. I still have the glass vases though, they're really nice blue-green colors.

Memories/throw back photos on my phone Reliably freaking my brain out every few months, I did not need to know that that one specific moment was exactly 4 years ago I’ve gotten significantly better at getting over my Time Fear, much much less scared of it, I had a relieved laugh about it last month about how differently I perceived time previously and how I only feel a fraction of the weight of time now. But occasionally the fear will just hit me (thanks technology for the reminder of time). I used to sit for minutes and minutes staring at my reflection in 2016/17, having an existential crisis that my face would morph over the years, as well as my life. Who was I??? Not so much that I was afraid of physically looking older/ageing, more so of the reminder that time seemed to be slipping away, and I had no idea how I had gotten into this body that I had. 2016-2018 felt like eternity and I went out of that time feeling very very old. 2019 felt regular in the most irregular gruesome way, as if everything was flipped and scary and tragic. 2020 up until now felt like it didn’t happen. So seeing a ‘one year ago’ selfie of me (and I don’t take selfies very often) was jarring - my hair was different! Even my eye brows were different, they were trimmed and now theyre wild! My face looks different but I can’t pinpoint what! My room was different! Wtf happened to time?! Seeing October 2016 and 2017 art and nature pictures was very anxiety inducing as well, because of all the memories associated with them.

The feeling of being ‘unstuck’: like walking out of a cramped space after days of being in it into a wide open space. Or even weirder, like there was some strange little demon monster with sharp teeth living within your stomach and suddenly you exorcized it!

Some things rest in my mind in avoidance for months and months and months. I tell myself I don’t have time for that thing, that I’m too busy, but really I’m just afraid to start some things. And yes I may be busy, but I’m always prioritise and choosing different things, whether consciously or not. And the longer that thing waits in my head, the more avoidant and stale it becomes. When I run out of things to avoid it with, I see that thing clearly and how uncomfortable my mind is with starting that think and I think uh oh fuck - no more excuses! I’m at the end of the chase. It’s so silly but I’ve been meaning to start on this art book project for months now, since July really, just something to draw for an hour each morning, and I just didn’t want to start it. At most I would do art studies and research around it, but nothing more. Yesterday it was the ‘perfect’ day in my mind to start it. So I drew alright drawings for half an hour then got distracted and then read a really nice book for another hour or two. (More often than not, any day is the perfect time to draw shitty drawings, it doesn’t really matter what day to start something. The stars will not align for me just because its my favorite date that day, or the weather, or I’m in a good mood.) Today was a chaotic mess, but when I sat down to attempt again to draw the first page...it wasn’t bad! Thats one hurtle down and I can move on to page 2. Another thing I’ve been avoiding is playing harp again - I don’t know why I’ve been avoiding it for 3/4ths the year, because I really used to love playing it. I’ve been playing a little piano here and there this year, mostly freestyle/messy notes. I have a keyboard that can connect to silent headphones, so I can play moody piano music without feeling self conscious about others hearing. (piano is the best moody/melancholy instrument in my opinion!) I feel like I can’t let the idea go of playing the harp again, even though its been so long since I’ve played that it shouldn’t even be a part of my identity. Either start it or don’t and move on!

Last night I started to listen to 'The six pillars of self esteem' (in audio format) and something he said struck out to me and gave me clarity to something that I've been confused about. I've thought in the past 'I think have reasonably high self esteem, I feel like I'm no better or worse than anyone else and I hold myself to a certain 'worthy of love'/dignified state of mind.' But at the same time I've also had this growing sense of spotting all of my deficiencies, blind spots, my shyness and social anxiety, and a retrograde/breaking away in my overall confidence, in using my time wisely and having my life 'together', I felt like I've been slipping. In the book, he clarifies that there are 2 types of self esteem that come in hand and hand and interrelate: Basic confidence in life's challenges (self efficacy) and a sense of being worth of happiness (self respect). Notes: With self efficacy, there is confidence in the functioning in one's own mind, to have confidence to think, learn, choose, make decisions, understanding facts of realities that fall within the sphere of interests and needs. It's self trust in feeling capable of producing a desired result, to achieve our goals, and correcting our errors. Self respect is an affirmative right to live and be happy, to be confident in asserting wants and needs, it is a feeling of natural birthright. I payed closer attention to confidence #1 because thats clearly where I lack confidence at. So I'm looking forward to what the rest of the book says about these topics and hope that he gives out good advice and reasoning, so far I think the book is good. It's a relief to hear because I've never really distinguished the different aspects of what self esteem really is, other than the overall notion and reminder of 'I've just got to love myself more.' and, ‘It doesn’t matter what others think.’ It's like naming a lurking beast that I otherwise couldn't see clearly the form before, to bring it more form, because I never really connected 'trusting myself to make decisions and do things/meet goals' to self esteem before. He also said, if I remember right, that many of the expressions and looks of having high self esteem was an overall embodiment of 'at ease-ness', spontaneity, and flow with life, instead of inward shields that try to hide away parts of yourself from others.

Mind exercise #2 (The less fun one) 'If I were poor and nobody knew me': If I were poor: If I were to become very very poor, I would imagine that my stress levels would be sky high, perhaps I'd be so stressed and fearful that I wouldn't be able to handle the majority of those feelings and I would be very traumatized. If I didn't have any of my basic necessities (shelter, food, medications, health) I would live an uncomfortable/dangerous existence. Since I've lived a very 'soft' existence and a pretty cozy life, if I were to suddenly find myself homeless or nearly homeless then I would not have good survival skills and I would be very vulnerable and forced to make drastic compromises, choices, and rash decisions to try stay up-float. Not having money for expensive medications and insulin would be particularly fearful and deadly. Or, if I had all of my basic necessities barely met and I wasn't homeless, but I was working 18 hours a day, I imagine that I would be extremely exhausted, mind dumb and not wanting to live/not liking my day to day life. I think I'd have money constantly on my mind, and be very stringent and worried about spending anything extra at all. If nobody knew me: This is easier to imagine because in 2017/18 I moved and didn't want to talk to anyone, so even though I was still seeing/sometimes talking to people weekly on a very minimal basis, it still was as if nobody knew me. But if nobody knew me, no friends or family or even strangers in public at all and I was on some deserted island, my mind would slowly start to feel caved in itself, jumpy and fever-like mind symptoms, unless I spend a lot of time outdoors and moving, felt at ease within myself, and had animal-friends. If I were all of those 3 things, I think I could be happy, but I may still be more prone to stress levels rapidly coming in with nobody to talk too and falling into repeated/vacuumed thought loops in my head. At the worse end I would become very lonely, fearful, disoriented, depressed, and in danger of not being able to handle the world or have enough resources to care for myself.

Mind Exercise 'If I were rich and famous' If I were rich: If I had 1 billion dollars, -I'd put 5 million dollars into my bank for savings so that I would be set for life, and the left overs when I die would go to somewhere helpful, where, I don't know -I would donate 85% of the money to help animals and global poverty problems (the two areas that are the largest scale daily areas of suffering imo) I'd set up a huge rabbit shelter or two, and do what I can to help factory farmed animals. I'd research poverty around the world and try to donate to and/or set up systems that helped give access to food, water and basic medication/education/resource stuff. I'd also choose a random city in America and do a lot of research on homelessness, and build pleasant atmosphered apartments (I'd study architecture as well and work with someone to make cheerful, pet-friendly, high quality living spaces that keep limited space without feeling claustrophobic in mind, because apartments succkkk and most apartments don't even have proper windows and lighting) and gives jobs to homeless people and to teens/women/young adults who are struggling, jobs that pay well and went towards good causes, and pay for their mental health therapy -I'd buy a small castle in Scotland and live by the sea and the mountains, learn how to garden and grow vegetables, and live with 2-5 pet rabbits and 2-5 pet rats and maybe a white cat named Herbie, because I'd love to name a cat Herbie. I'd live with a roommate/friend or two, because I do like company, but we would have to get along pleasantly and keep to our own space most of the time/not talk loudly -I would travel the world for an entire year, maybe two, mostly just plein air painting/drawing and studying architecture, but also learning about culture and history and interacting with people around the world and expanding my world view and perspective -I'd buy a fancy old apartment in Edinburgh Scotland, one that was narrow in space but many stories high, and decorate the entire place to be completely magical themed, (maybe Harry Potter themed but probably not?) and rent it out to people -I'd hire someone to build a secret tunnel that goes from the library to a magical hide out room, I'd hire another person to build a rooftop garden and patio area, with a star watching area -Maybe I'd build some sort of 'aesthetic art therapy building', I don't have a clear idea what this theoretical building would be like, maybe it would be two separate buildings: An aesthetic mystery museum art building, and a sensory therapy building. But it would be a sort of asmr museum-like building where each room had a specific look and aesthetic to it and it would all cater to the human senses. There would be a music room with a collection of interesting insruments where people would be free to play whatever instruments they liked, there would be a garden, a cat room (basically another animal shelter with extra attention), there would be mystery and clues throughout the building, there would be parts of the building that aren't for exploring but for just sitting and reading/studying, maybe there would be sensory deprivation tanks (I've never tried one though), and a virtual reality room -Maybe I'd build an 'art library', collect as many art related books as humanly possible. Near an art school somewhere in some city. Realistically I wouldn't, though, it would seem a waste of money that could be used for better things -I'd spend most of my time locked away in my room/back yard drawing and reading anyways, doing what I normally do, I would probably just do 'other/extra' stuff on the weekends If I were super famous: -I'd probably have many mental break downs for not knowing how to handle attention and eyes on me, I would probably be freaked out by people recognizing me and be scared to go in public, especially at first -I imagine I'd start to develop trust issues, if people I knew began to treat me differently after fame -If I gained ultra-confidence level I would host parties in my Scotland castle home once a year, whether it be family and friends, or strangers. If I were famous for a specific creative reason, like for making a book or movie (sounds cringe but i mean, what else would i get famous for? I can't sing, i don't act. maybe I'd get famous for a really odd reason/coincidence...hmm) the parties would totally be themed in whatever fictional universe that I made up, and all the food would be fiction-world themed, the costumes would have a theme, everything would have a theme -I'd buy a realistic wig and glasses and wear a mask so that I could go out in public unrecognized -Again, if I were famous for writing books, I would walk into random bookstores and sign my own books, both for my ego's sake and to surprised whoever saw the book -It's hard to think of more. The only 'plus' to being famous that comes to my mind, would be planning the once-a-year-elaborate-themed costume parties, that would be pretty thrilling --- But even the costume party theme would become old after a while. Buying a castle house would be the most expensive/selfish thing I'd want to do for myself, because I would love to live somewhere gorgeous surrounded by beautiful nature. Maybe I would develop a money spending problem on buying 'beautiful' things such as decorations and furniture.

Heat Exhaustion (A nonsense dream from a few nights ago where I fell from the sky onto a desert and was chased by lions and the wind) An unwelcoming desert, world travelers may find, That its anxiety is brittle and it’s rivers run dry Forever expansive and vastly alone Hearing the echoes and calls of others but touching no one People were parallel in its walled up paralysis... Paralyzing, tantalizing, its paranoia was unanimous! I stumbled upon this place in my dreams the other night as I fell through the sky. Voices called behind me: ‘Use your parachute to fly!’ In my confusion I managed to unhook this violent flight, Landing on an endless terrain in my sight The loneliness that I felt caused me to crawl To call, To a lone phone booth Pressing my face against its glass walls Taking comfort in its cool touch, its human made structure Listening to the cutting wind 1 2 3 Ring, ring, ring, the phone is dead, and my pockets are empty of all silver coins. ... Exhaustion and fear leading to the plague-ridden strain of Decisions! Pressure! and metallic tasting blades. All clambering its dusty disdain as I shivered and Strained against the eerie and present notes of desperation These notes, they screeched and scratched The fabric of my being Like an unfit shirt rubbed raw against my throat So....I began to grow exhausted Like an animal caught in a trap, my energy ceased To even have the will to shiver So I lay still If I hold my breath and lay very very still.. Will that kill The movements that target Its preying on my will? If I don’t move, Then I won’t lose, Shall I hold my breath And count count count count 1 sheep 2 sheep 4... Heat exhaustion heaved its Last breath and dizzy head Out of my ribbed caged heart Blurred with the summers pain (Its angry teeth are persistent but blunt) My greedy needs, it desires all the water in this world To gulp down anything cool To relieve my aching scratched voice And tired eyes I desperately crave to cease this endless run And trace my fingers over something solid And real. To chase, I’m chased, A heavy race! Lions in the sky And dried tears on my face, I run into A portion of this desert that grows Oh I’m just trying to scrape against it’s unwelcoming repose Dream or night, awake or day, what's the time again you say, am I dreaming? Am I dreaming? This desert, its distinguishing features are such elusive creatures.

Bad poetry I guess I don't know what good poetry is either so I can't say what's bad I'd like to find poetry to read, I just don't know where to find it and I don't know what I'd like, I have no cultivated eye/taste for it. I found the 'little poem book' in my closet the other day and it had a grand total of 1.5 poems in it, so I'll re-write and edit it here. I don't know which way to approach poetry: pretty words, sentences that sound nice and feel right, feelings I have, stories?? And what about sentence structure and rhythm? I don't even know. . . . Ivory Temple The gulls cry over Crumpled ivory temples, Lightheaded in their trills Delicately cutting through the tides. Years pass by, as old as the mossy, knotty, slumbering God of the sea. The magic there is gone, Pecked bone dry By creatures wandering through With beady eyes and hungry hands They take everything they can carry. Inside the temple lies a giant Long since asleep, Eons of slumber, A stone man turned to a Single moment. Grey with weary, kept Distantly warm by his heartened heart He lies on his back Watching the colorless sky And the tracing lines of the stars Singing a hollowed song.

Each morning I've been setting aside an hour and a half to draw. This is the pretty much the only guilt free 'free time' I've allowed myself each day, along with petting my pet rabbits, and I hope to upgrade that lol because I desperately miss long walks and reading. I'll write more on time management upgrades later. On average it takes me around 30 min to do one quick drawing, but at times it can take another 30-to an hour to do additional editing, coloring, or re-do's of mess up drawings. So I try to schedule out an hour to an hour and a half each morning to draw before starting my day. At the longest as an outlier drawing it took me two hours to get a drawing to be acceptable enough, for whatever reason I struggled with the head juggling drawing in particular. I think this was because I was looking at a few different reference photos at once, while at the same time a little stressed out, as well as trying out a new pen, so it took a while for anything to work that day. The sketchbook I've been using is this one, and I love it! I bought it for the second time, usually I don't stick with one type of book because I hadn't found ones that I really liked in the past, but this one I'm happy with for now, and I like the square format. The books aren't overly expensive either The perspective, composition and shapes aren't good in this drawing but I do like how the front is in a lighter shade I bought a sword from the Halloween store that day and have been planning on redecorating and painting that sword, so they have been on my mind! The prettiest medieval murder weapon For this one it took me way too long to block in the darks I had fun drawing this one haha, I love beards This was a pain to draw. I don't really know how to draw feet/ankles Mindless nonsense doodles - with the face on the right, I didn't mean to make the face emo looking, my thought process was 'well there are eyes all around, so I should hide the eyes with hair' And todays drawings Even though I told myself 'black and white only', I thought this looked off/strange being just black and white (and now the arm and a few other things are bothering me) (yeahhh I'm gonna re-draw this one) I noticed that one of the ipad coloring layers unintentionally looked interesting too Thoughts: -I really don't like/feel neutral about looking back at any drawings that I make that are more than a day or two old, it's like looking at my face in the mirror when it just looks awkward and something feels off. I guess that could be because after I draw something, soon it begins to feel less 'alive' or fresh in my mind, so when I look back at it I can see all of the flaws and how flat and expressionless it looks. I think I'm pretty harsh with myself in that way. But, I did enjoy drawing these in-the-moment, so that along with the practice of it is what the point is I think. It's ok to have fun drawing in the moment, try to learn something from it and then quickly move on and not look back at it. -I don't know if my eyes like how solid black and white ink shapes look! I think soon I'll try out a few different styles, such as watercolor and thin ink lines, trying out different colors of ink and paint (such as more golden or red toned colors), grey and dark grey ink instead of solid black, and different textures of lines. -I'm aware that most of these drawings are very central right now and I'm going to stick with that a few more days I think, but later on I'd like to add in composition and full on scenes! -I know I draw a lot of girls/women so, I should challenge myself to draw super beautiful men and super old gnarly faced women. And beards! -I'd like to learn these 3 things: 1. How to draw solid 3 dimensional shapes better 2. How to draw 'warmer' feeling drawings: drawings with more feeling/be more in tune with my own feelings, literally more warmer colors, more expression in line as well as facial expression/gesture. I feel like I lack coziness in my drawings too (but maybe the drawings reflect how I feel and I just need to warm my cold cold soul) 3. anatomy!! Another thought on 'cold' drawings and ink: I think that ink/pen is a naturally colder, sharper feel compared to pencil. I haven't found my grounding on either one, stylistically, besides simple lines and shapes. I've used much more pens in the past 3 years, but for most of my life I used to draw only with a regular pencil, so it feels/used to feel more naturally to me. I think with drawing with only pen for a month, it will be really helpful for me in exploring different styles and types of pens, because I become bored or annoyed with certain things that aren't quite working. So I'm kind of forced to change ways of doing things that feel and look more right with me in a more honed down and focused way, because I know that I'll continuously drawing with pens/ink for the next few weeks and there's less backing out. Also I'm gonna attach a song after each journal entry, unrelated to what I was writing about, just so that I remember what song I happened to be listening to that day https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytI9A0u88Bk

A journal to write about misc thoughts and feelings and life, in a mostly informal way After taking a month long journaling break and somewhat of an overall internet break, I'm in the mood to get back into writing. I feel very out of touch with writing (and thinking as well uh yeah my brain is somewhat fried and tired), and feeling pretty internet-shy as well, so I'll just start off by posting my daily morning drawings I've been doing for the past 7 days. (for the inktober art challenge - thought I would do it once in my life) Its a very strange but fulfilling feeling drawing consistently everyday, something which I haven't done in yearrrrrs.

@mememe i think the etiquette is: constructive critique is free range in the rest of the forum sections, but in the journaling section it’s no-critique when the user doesn't wish for that

@MuadDib I like the 'god only knows' song, I've never actually heard it directly before! I just vaguely remember that song from some time in my childhood @Loba I clicked the Kali Mula Mantra for it's interesting art, and the music sounded equally as interesting too @modmyth I listen to this song sometimes, now I want to check out the rest of the album I also took a listen to a few of the cave of forgotten dreams songs, I liked the part in the 'carbon date solo cello' song half way through where the sounds get all echoy and distant, like someone is walking through a cave. The songs have an earthy/old/messy raw sound to them

Brazil song: I heard this song today and instantly it reminded me of two other songs The beginning instrumental sounds sound very similar to this newer song's background music (after second 40) only raised up And then for the main chorus of the original song, I thought...this sounds soo familiar... I've heard this in another song before! After thinking for a while, I suddenly remembered this song that I listened to back in 2017, only I had deleted it from my spotify playlist after a while because the beginning animal sounds had gotten annoying on around the 10th time listening to it. I just typed in 'brazil' on spotify and scrolled down at all the songs until I recognized the album cover

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M3uHr9qEn8

Haha well...Your definitely not the only one! Thank goodness for having at least a couple of friends though.

I just wanna say I've been loving reading your journal! Like for real, it's so informative to read, it's introduced me to a lot of new concepts and thoughts that I had never thought of before or considered. lmaoo There's always those types of situations where your like, 'uh let me explain!! It's not weird I promise!' or just bad timing. That picture does look oddly satisfying/sensual.. ?? A few things just pop up into my mind. Such as: Getting a hot stone back massage, that game kids and I used to play where you'd say this rhyme thing along with movement, I looked up the words and it went like this: (isn't this a pretty common childrens game? Have you heard of it? Everyone I knew did it but it sounds weird written down.) Crack an egg on your head let the yolk drip down Let the yolk drip down, let the yolk drip down Squeeze an orange on your shoulders let the juice drip down etc. Stab a knife in your back let the blood run down, etc. Tight squeeze, cool breeze, now you've got the chillls! So basically it gave you the feeling of sensations, such as an egg running down your back while the friend behind you running their fingers down your back. That's what came to mind when I saw the picture. I also remember there was a kid when I was in elementary school who would sometimes pour liquid glue, or even milk if I remember right, on his hands until there was a thin layer of it, and let it dry and peel it off for fun. Everyone thought it was pretty weird/gross but at the same time it just made sense and wasn't too questioned, I guess peeling things off is universally understood as satisfying. Anyway. I had the habit last year of dipping pencil ends into melted wax because the texture is really nice and it's all glowy and pretty, but stopped because sometimes I'd accidentally stick my mouth at the wax-dipped pencil later on, and candle wax tastes disgusting. I've never thought about dripping candle wax onto me before, I think if I did, I imagine the most suitable place in doing it would be an outdoor hot tub or natural hot spring of some kind at night on a rainy day, with additional candles lit, playing into the hot-cold feeling.

Friend in the car last night: 'Don't look at my phone, I've got a song that I'm sure you like that I'm gonna play.' 'Ooh let me guess. Is it Mika?' 'Yes! Which song?' 'Uhmm...is it Grace Kelly?' *proceeds to play Grace Kelly* Wait...did I really just guess the right song, or did they just try to reveal my go-to 'favorite/fun' song that's in my mind?

(What I'm confused by is why is a more well known musician but his newer album has so little views?) THANK YOU random stranger on omegle who recommended me moondog, I'll forever be grateful for you. I will never ever go on omegle again though, its a scary place.

This song is so dramatic but I love it

@Preety_India It's interesting hearing you write this out in words, because I don't hear it often, and a similar sentiment has been in the back of my mind for a while. I usually don't feel content with my profile picture either, even though it's just a picture it does always have a 'feeling' stuck to it. How it feels to me goes beyond just profile pictures, it's anything visual that is around me in my settings, especially my environment, its looks and 'feel' of the room start to cling and weigh heavy to me after a while. I wonder if part of this has to do with anxiety, or the fear of stagnant energy. I can totally see how this may seen not relatable to other people too, it doesn't logically make much sense. I've often wondered, especially in the past, if I was a super materialistic person, just because I always wanted to be changed the looks of the living space I live in: The furniture, the pictures on the wall, the colors. Even certain colors seem to really agitate my mind after some time. Or the clothes that I have. I can let go of this feeling when I'm traveling or walking in a new environment because there are so many new things around me, and I feel free. But back at home I sometimes feel this restless energy that I always want to be changing things around. What to stay happy with, what to change? How to stay happy with a look, a decision, an energy? That's the ever present question that's in my mind. Do you have fun looking through new pictures that resonate with you emotionally? Or is the anxious feeling more present? I feel like this thought extends to cleaning or decorating my room as well...usually I feel anxious and annoyed with my environment and trying to tackle it and I'll feel resistance to clean and change. But other times if I gather up inspirational ideas or a clear, energetically inspiring idea of 'what my room is going to look like', the process of changing my room can actually give me a sense of catharsis and clearing of emotions, in a way like I'm dream boarding or brainstorming inspirational ideas...that feeling. It can really go either way. And going back to the profile picture, wanting it to change: I've always thought of it as 'oh the feeling is off', but I like what you said about it just not emotionally resonating anymore. I guess that highly sensitive people and people who's emotional states of feeling change rapidly, that a picture starts to feel outdated and misaligned real fast.