John

@Brimstone I am trying to break down this very image that I seem to be holding on to. It's hard though when many of the people I have learned from don't continue the lives they had before hand. They don't become an 'enlightened doer' of their old job or life. They break away from the mainstream completely. How do I resolve that image? Leo is a good example. He inspires me and gives me a sort of role model. But I was wondering if there are more?

What are Leos best videos on this? Building your Life Purpose while seriously pursuing Enlightenment. Cheers, John

Yes. I am struggling with Balance at the moment though. I have a job and friends etc. But the will or the tendency to meditate is just burning much hotter than the will to pursue those other things. I'm not pessimistic about them or anything, I just want to continue going deeper and deeper. If that means that I don't get around to The Big Leap for another little while, or if it means that my relationships kind of stay the way they are (they could use some improvement) or my Life Purpose just sort of takes a passengers seat, while I do my long sits, my retreats and my contemplation.... Am I making a blunder there? Should I be keeping these things up no matter what? Or is there a time where you feel the call in your heart to really go for it in your meditation, and you do just that... you fucking go for it.

Half way through The Book of Not Knowing. About to start The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. Man this work is so fucking tough at times. The paradoxes... The cognitive dissonance. I feel as though I am hitting a plateau. Any advice here? Keep calm and carry on?!

Doing the emotionally difficult thing Mindfulness Contemplation Meditation Journaling/Writing (Amazing to see your thought processes so clearly and objectively)

To keep it brief: I consider myself a few steps in on the spiritual path now. However, I find as my concentration power grows, my senses become clearer and I find equanimity in life; it's these tiny small things that cause the most suffering. A little look from someone. A small neuroses or worry. They cause the most suffering in my life at the moment. Does anyone have advice or experience with this? Huge amounts of anxiety and fear, that just are not proportional to the thing feared. To go from Access Concentration to be being persecuted by my own self judgment and doubt when talking to a cashier in the store... Is it possible that the fears that come up as you go further down the path are manifesting as this? Or is awareness just showing me now, how deeply neurotic I have always been? What is the most skillful way to act here?

It seems as though the deeper the insights I get on this path, the more I suffer. Little, neurotic fears absolutely cripple me. They almost annihilate me. Small things in my mind, parts of my ego that still aren't fully esteemed or actualised cause torrential amounts of suffering. I set a goal for myself of reaching Access Concentration. This is recommended by Daniel Ingram in his books, Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha. And I achieved that goal a few nights ago. It was amazing. A smile just flowered across my face as I rested in it. Is this normal to fluctuate so wildly? Do these things just need to be purged?

@Natasha Thank you!

I was talking to a girl today in work today. She asked what I was doing when I finished up, (we both had the early shift). And I was very reluctant to tell her my plans. I knew with so many hours free in the day I would get a lot of meditation in but I didn't want to tell her that. It's really sunny where I'm from at the moment and she told me she is going to the beach to drink beer with her friends. I planned on doing about four hours of meditation (which I completed by the way) and she planned on going drinking alcohol in the afternoon with her friends. Why am I so uncomfortable about my meditation practice? Why can't I relate it to other people? Why did it feel in that moment that I was sentencing myself to a four hour prison session while she was going out and living life? I told her I had no plans in the end... I think this topic goes deep so I would appreciate any feedback here.

@Dodo Is you desire to transcend deep or your desire to escape? @S33K3R Surely if so many meditators are motivated by this originally, then it will take a long time for us to truely be present? I would imagine that girl actually did experience moments of presence while she was on the beach with a beer in her hand because her personality allowed for it. Hers isn't a mindful one, as far as I can see, but it's light enough and easy going that the voice in her head probably does just slow down spontaneously at times and she can just enjoy the present moment. I have done a lot of work in my meditation to get some control over the negative voice in my head, my emotions, my self etc.. but I still feel contracted in day to day life. Like I don't enjoy it as much as others. I still can't go to the beach and just enjoy what is. Two years now of meditation and I still feel this contraction. So, when I tell this girl I'm going to do four hours of meditation, it feels inauthentic. It's s as though I'm telling I'm going to go and try and escape the present moment for four hours. Meditation is a diving into life, a complete presence with all of life isn't it? Why am I feeling like this?

I set the timer for twenty minutes. I ask internally, "Who am I?" Answers arise. I see these vague dark images of myself sitting there in the room, I see memories of friends. I see vague images of the room I am sitting in. Sometimes, because these images are so vague, I label them. "I am the image of myself I see right now", "I am this room", "I am this thought", "I am this memory", "I am the one doing the inquiry right now", "I am the one asking the question", "I am me", "I am this thought", "Am I just a thought?" Is it OK to let my attention rest on these thoughts? Are they helpful? they haven't produced any insight yet. Or should I avoid all distraction and keep coming back the question, "Who am I?" It's very difficult to do it! Any help here would be greatly appreciated. Cheers, John

One thing that I am still strongly identified with is my self image. Its this dark, amorphous, subtly changing image of my physical self. My contour, my face, my head. It's always shadowy but there and it's as though it has a hook in my awareness. Even questions like 'who am I?' seem to unfold on top of it.. There is so much resistance. I did Leo's guided neti neti method and found myself grasping for some experience. Some massive bliss and relief.. of course that did not happen and I was left with anger and frustration and that stuck to me like glue....

I just watched a video by Leo describing the distinction between Deficiency cognition versus Being cognition. ‘How Your Mind Distorts Reality’ was the title. It’s an hour long and it ties up Abraham Maslow’s theory of self-actualization with Enlightenment. The self-actualized person perceives the world through being. His neuroses and anxieties don’t rubricise reality. The person who isn’t self-actualized walks into THEIR Coffee Shop and talks to THEIR Barista. Not the actual brick and mortar building in the middle of the town, not the actual flesh and blood person behind the cash register. It’s their narrative, the whole thing bends to their D-Cognition or deficiency perception. At the opposite end of the spectrum is Being cognition. And at the extreme end of being cognition is enlightenment. This is where objects lose all relationships to one another. The fruit bowl is not on top of the table. It’s not even a fruit bowl and it’s not even a table. They are labels, they are concepts. These are some of the hallmarks and masterstrokes of the human race but they have trapped us now. And I was thinking how far into Deficiency cognition I go all of the time. The old women ordering their coffee are my persecutors. The regular banker who walks in is my regular banker no one else’s. I plummet right to the depths of this Deficiency cognition because my ego is the most wounded. We are all doing it but I seem to do it with a unique intensity. And then, when I get home; I sit on my cushion, set the timer and plummet right to the other end, to being cognition. Sometimes I feel close to access concentration. Other times I might just be sitting there desperately hoping for peace. It’s hard to tell. All of this is so new and esoteric and I have no master to guide me. But what an irony that is. How I plummet up and down each end of the spectrum. I don’t know how I have maintained my sanity. Because it is really merciless and brutal down there in D-cognition. You try and breathe, you try and remain mindful, you try and claw your way back up to being cognition but your wounds tear you back down to the bottom of that hollow well with a bang and echo as you land. And you try and lick them and love them and go again because it’s all you can do, Life doesn’t slow down and pick you up.

I need help finding a good retreat during the first two weeks in June. Mooji has one in Portugal at the end of May. But I have never followed him or his teachings. Would people advise against going somewhere so unfamiliar? I have two years of meditation experience and have been on retreat before in Plum Village, France. Cheers, John

@philosogi Some examples would be: Me: Is this spiritual purification? Me: This is so sore Me: I am ashamed Me: They are disgusted by me Me: I am repulsive, despicable Me: The future is filled with suffering and sorry Me: They talk about me, or at the very least they judge me intensely

@philosogi In short, I create my whole identity out of them! Of course the fact that I have at least some consciousness means I am actively working to change it. But it's challenging. Like I'm caught in a Spiders web and every move I make entangles me further.

I'm just on the last couple of vids of the Life Purpose Course. I have started a new job, that might lend itself to my Life Purpose. And Visualisation is the habit I am implementing into my Life at the moment. However. My Life Purpose is new and and everything is still forming. I had depression before I started all of this and I am still working through some of it and trying to find my feet in the job. It's very hard to sit down and concentrate on some clear image of how I want to feel or be tomorrow or some time in the future. Does this resonate with anyone? Would appreciate any advice. Thanks, John

@heisenburger It's as though my Demons sense their demise and try scratch at all the moves I am making now. Very difficut.

When and where did you reach access concentration? How did it affect your practice moving forward?

This is a great post. I am dealing with the exact same thing myself. I used Leo's "I am completely independent of the good or the bad opinions of others" for about two months aswell. This was around a year ago when my social anxiety prevented me from leaving my house. This got me out the door, re-connected me with old friends, got me a new job. But lately it feels I have reached a new homeostasis where I am still persecuted in many social interactions. Thanks for sharing and keep the suggestions coming people.

I feel like this line needs more explaining

Sometimes when sitting, I experience something akin to the feeling you get when your on top of a roller coaster and it's just reaching the apex and you're about to go down. I get a warm feeling that sweeps through my whole body and a very mild version of what I described above. Has anyone else experienced this? After two years of meditation am I finally flirting with the first jhana?!

@Capethaz The first time it happened I was using focus on breath. Simply labeling, "in" and "out". Then it happened again when I was using one of Shinzen Young's focus in techniques. And in general no matter what technique I am using I am flirting with this feeling more and more often. But I start to get excited and impatient and inevitably take a step back..

How does one formally separate the content out from their meditation? If someone is grieving the loss of their Mother. Images, memories, thoughts, are all going to arise. The Person naturally needs to experience these, to look at them and feel them. But meditation isn't about going into the narratives of our lives and trying to apply the teachings to the narratives. It's about examining the bare bones experience that makes up out reality. So how do we separate the two? While being true to ourselves and not denying or suppressing our experience and allowing the experience that needs to happen to flow freely In my example, how would the student know when to be with the thoughts and not deconstruct them, then when to examine the thoughts for what they are, and the fact that there is no self observing them!

@InDaZone I am struggling with this aswell. One insight that has helped me is from Shinzen Young. He defines meditation as cultivating three main skills: (1)Concentration Power, (2) Sensory Clarity, (3) Equanimity So long as you are disciplined in whatever meditation you are doing you are cultivating these three skills. He doesn't seem to mind if you mix and match under this paradigm. Under this paradigm, I think it's also OK to pick whatever you feel you need the most at a given moment.