Before I met my fiancee I ate super healthy, did yoga EVERYDAY in the woods whether it was snowy or not. I would meditate like a full time job and I was SO happy. I distinctly remember the awakening I had one day in the woods and I felt so at peace, so whole. I could have died right there. I didn't need anyone to fulfill me. I loved myself and that was more than enough. I enjoyed being alone so much. I have since I was a kid. But lately I feel afraid to die alone. I cannot for the life of me imagine a future with her thats not miserable, but when I imagine a life without her I feel scared and lonely and empty.
That is just one example of how I have changed since I've been with her. I've gained 75 pounds in the last 3 years. Not motivated at all to do anything I want. I now hate myself. I'm miserable. I've wanted to leave on and off for a couple of years but I am so terrified that she will kill herself... She doesn't straight up threaten it but she has had many past attempts. I know shes miserable. She doesn't have a job (hasn't for about a year now) im so behind and in debt my credit is ruined because of her. But I cant tell her its her fault. If I did she will fall down a deep well of self pity and self accusation and give me the silent treatment. I havent been able to really go into the woods and meditate peacefully since weve been together because anytime I choose to have alone time she sees it as I dont want to be around her. And quite frankly I dont. Every morning I wake up excited to start a new day and its quickly dulled because if I get up when she isnt ready to get up and I leave her in bed she throws a huge fit and acts like I dont love her. If i stay in bed and try to relax I cant and she gets mad and yells at me for keeping her up??? Like wtf am I supposed to do... Ahes always getting mad at me no matter how hard I try. She doesnt respect my personal space and will pinch my nipples and squeeze me and tickle me even when I tell her no and when I blow up on her she tells me im being irrational and cant handle "joking around". I want to end it. Ive never been in such a toxic situation. How do I leave someone who has no family, no income, and no will to live? It breaks my heart and I still love her despite all of this but I cant stay with her. I know its her decision if she takes her life but how can I do that to someone I love? I wish there was a win win but there doesnt seem to be. Im sorry for such a long post as I tried to cram 3 years of history into it but any insight would be greatly appreciated! I just want to be happy again.
