Mosess

Thank you keyhole but IMOP, i dont think this will work but i'll give it a couple of tries.

I lost complete interest in activities that used to bring me joy. I cant feel joy anymore. i forgot how that felt a long time ago. I cannot even smile authentically, you know, like actually smile or laugh. Smiling now makes me feel even more worse because i just fake it so people don't ask me whats wrong or even worse think that they are the problem. And what i realized is that i HATE attention. I just Hate when people look at me and i found out that the more "authentic" my body language is, the more they look at me and of course try to "engage" with me in any way possible and the cycle repeats itself.

Thank you!

I realized that i have been avoiding mindfulness meditation for about 3 months now due to "The dark night of the soul" that i have experienced a while ago. I have recovered from it by building up a new identity from literally nothing (No pun intended) , which now feels as if i am a totally new person/identity living within the same body. The difference that i am aware of is that they are both fake identities. The point is that i know i can go back into that nothingness and experience that depersonalizing state again, which for the old me meant loosing my old identity. If it is possible that the Dark night of the soul can happen to me again (with the knowledge i have from directly experiencing it), will the potential experience of it be "normal" or have less of an impact on me then it did before, or will i pass through the same struggle of building new identities over and over again in order to survive?

@Nak Khid Thank you for your advice, I'll test it and see the what happens

Thats alot!

I don't get it Talking to people about this makes me feel like i am literally talking to robots. What is happening right now, like what is this exact fucking moment? it is LITERALLY there. RIGHT NOW! THIS!? Talking to someone about this topic makes me feel either like: 1- i am totally insane, which by now i know i am not. why? because the fact is that this MOMENT is happening RIGHT FUCKING NOW, and for some reason people don't get it.. 2- the other person/persons are totally insane. why? because they are not noticing the FUCKING SIGNIFICANCE of FACT that this MOMENT is happening RIGHT FUCKING NOW, and THEY are IN IT TOO. I need help, i have been stuck on this question for a lot. i mean, ALOT. What is...... THIS? by THIS i mean Literally EVERYTHING. How can i answer this question myself? it feels impossible. Why? Because THIS is literally IMPOSSIBLE, How can this moment EXIST?

So i have been doing some deep consciousness work for a while now (it has been almost 7 months) but i still can't get over what i have experienced in my first 2 months of meditating and it is really messing with my life now. A few months ago something "triggered" in me. I was perceiving everything like it was "too real" that it was unreal if that makes any sense.. I had no idea what everything (reality) is, who i am, how it is even possible that this very moment is happening or "existing", i felt that i literally lost my mind. It got to the point where i was Looking at my mothers face and not recognizing who she was. looking at my own HANDS as if they where "alien" and not knowing what they are or how they even exist, what my thoughts were and where they came from and to whom they are going too, (how everything exists really at that point).I was conscious that everything was temporary, that includes literally EVERY SINGLE THING, and that i do not know anything, and for some reason i did not talk to anyone about what has happened because deep down i knew it wouldn't really change anything.. This experience lasted for about almost a week (waking up everyday and just staring curiously at everything like i had never seen anything before) The problem now is that i still haven't deeply figured out what that experience was. It felt useless to talk to anyone i know, or anyone on here really because i knew deep down that it wouldn't change the fact that I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, and that No-one really knows anything too. That was so disturbing to me that it traumatized me, and has made me change my attitude towards everything in life. I cannot joke with my friends as i used to, am extremely DE-motivated to do anything and am now dealing with HUGE emotional mood swings daily because of the "meaningless" of whatever this moment is. It is super hard sometimes to just accept that i am alone in this world (which i was also conscious of when that happened). I am however MUCH more present right now. I am maintaining my daily meditation as a habit although it is pretty difficult to sometimes. Am i facing a mental disorder? or is this what they call "enlightenment" because it isn't really as pleasant as what the mainstream people paint it to be.I wouldbe grateful for any wise advice on what i should do to solve some of those problems that i am currently facing!

@Nahm I can't thank you enough for guiding me on my past experience. Your words were wise and direct, everything you said was on point, except one thing. I realized that i was running away from the very lesson that i should have faced from the very beginning in order to move on. As much as i want to deny it and believe something else, it is simply not possible. The truth remains always. I am aware that i am framing this negatively, I have not fully transcended my ego, and so i am passing through a mixed emotional phase because i am not currently as aware as i was when i had my initial experience. Reflecting back, I now remember holding my phone, very present and in complete shock of what NOW is. Absolutely and completely shocked on how i was lying to myself for 20 years now. And how others are lying to themselves. I remember pulling out my phone, thinking to myself what the actual f*** am i holding, clicking on one of Leo's videos, aware of those alien hands holding this so called "phone", aware of those thoughts, those words that at the moment seemed like they were trying to deny the truth of what now is out of complete fear, but of course couldn't. my ego could not falsify something that is not. I was too aware at that point. I just KNEW that whatever this is, it is completely alone. I noticed that the trap i was falling into was denying that i was alone. Instead of accepting it, embracing it as it is. how it always was, always will be. Be aware that when you die, you will die alone. no-one will be there, not Nahm, not Leo, not echart Tolle, Not OSHO, not your mom, not even your own self. You will die ALL ONE. Thanks again

It sounds like you already know what you should do, or feel like doing, but are afraid of how she will interpret your message. Go for it and ask her how she feels about the situation you are both in!

Confusing, like something is missing. Feels like i am rejected and criticized. Feels depressing and worrying.

I agree with you. The conclusion that i have reached back then was that "I" was the only one who was consciously seeing/hearing/feeling everything at that exact moment for what it felt like the first time. That "I" was purely subjective, and was the only thing that exists. However it also felt as if this pure subjective "I" was perceiving everything through this "body" (including the perception of the body) and the "mind", and so it felt that "I" was inside of this "body/mind" Is it possible that i might have misinterpreted this pure subjectivity with this objective body because of that feeling where i was perceiving everything through this body, and so solipsism happens? I am aware that i am currently creating my own problems, and am aware of the reasons behind why those problems are being created. Being born in a Muslim family and a stage blue culture, where almost everyone close to me is either a Muslim or a Christian, it feels as if i am an "outsider", and so it feels as if i do not belong anywhere. Somewhere inside i still have not let go completely of Islam because i fear this place called "hell" and therefore think that i do not deserve to be "happy" or feel the joy of living due to leaving or abandoning "Allah", whoever he is is that related somehow to my nihilistic worldview?

Will do, thank you for doing what you do.

I'll watch them again, thank you for the recommendations

@Gili Trawangan it felt as equally terrifying as it was beautiful or mysterious/magical in a way. The terrifying part was mostly in "my mind", knowing that it wouldn't ever grasp or understand the significance of what the present moment is.