JessiChell

@Jude_ I can see you love him. We all do. But we have to let him decide what he wants. We can't convince him to stay based on our "need" for him. We can't convince him to stay, at all. We can still honor the work he's done and also let go of him. (Which is what he teaches anyways) Hope you're okay ?

A friend reached out to me a few days ago and told me her and her boyfriend and another girl, hung out with my ex over the weekend. I don't know if my ex and this other girl were interested in each other. I'm thinking this girl wouldn't be his type because I've met her before. But either way it's really derailed me. I felt really strong sadness and jealousy today and I tried really hard to notice myself and the feeling and would let it pass. I meditate before bed but it doesn't matter. My nightmares come. I've just had my second nightmare of the night about him seeing other people and telling me he doesn't care about me. I try to meditate in-between them, doesnt work. It's like my mind will not shut off. If I manage to stop the thoughts and be mindful, which is what I did today, the nightmares just come back heavier. It's almost like my subconscious is waiting for me to fall asleep so it can torture me. I'm really tired and I want to sleep well without this. My nightmares have always been incredibly vivid and they started when my ex (of 8 years) before this cheated on me. He would turn off his phone for long periods of time while I tried to reach him. So in the nightmare it's always me trying to get ahold of them on the phone. Them being very shady and not being truthful. Always me begging for truth. It's an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. My biggest fear is being lied to in a relationship so it comes out in them. Sometimes the person on the other end is both of my exs combined. To make one scary, lying, demon man who doesnt care about me. What do I do if mindfulness, meditation and pushing thoughts out of my head doesnt work? I'm tired. I just want to sleep.

@Serotoninluv This makes sense. It was a mistake to speak about him to my friend. I should have told her to not tell me anything she knew. But girls tell each other everything and it kind of just came out. I will take psychedelics one day. I was going to do it on the isolation trip but my friend said not to do it alone for the first time, so I'm waiting.

@Amit Mmmm, I'm not there yet. I'm not ready to forgive him. I can work on forgiving myself in the meantime.

@Amit I do this with health stuff. I post on some health-related things on here in hopes to "help" people but in reality, I think this says more about my unhappiness and lack of love. If I'm helping others (during this time of my life), I'm not working on myself. In fact, I'm probably feeding my ego. So I decided to stop commenting yesterday and just post things when I feel I need answers. (no matter how unattractive/annoying that may be to others) lol but hey, I'm not here to make friends. I view it as my job now to fix myself and that means I need to be honest. I don't care as long as I get answers.

@annonnimm32 Wow, you are the first person who has ever had that same mentality. I believe cheating to be rape as well. I am not consenting to sleeping with you if you have coerced me into it. If you're guy and have come to this realization, you are amazing. Right on

@Preety_India Yeah, I think this is a "wave." But I was doing really well. I'm just impatient. I want to be over him already. I've put in a lot of work now and I'm like, "okay, hurry tf up and be normal again." In my dreams, I tried to kill him. So, I know I'm really angry but it goes deeper. I think Leo hit the nail on the head with those fears list. I need to focus on those. Thank you

@Amit So we're all on a never-ending journey to obtain absolute self-love? Doesn't this count as one aspect of Leo's job though? He is financially free, therefore it is apart of his self-love. No?

@Treetalk Everything you say is obviously correct and everything I'm working towards. It's practical application that I'm struggling with. But I've gotten some insight from this post. Thank you

@mmKay Lols. Okay, I will practice this. I'm struggling to have those deep emotions come up. Which is why I think they're hiding in my subconscious and being released when I dream. I'm hoping they will show themselves when I'm awake during isolation stay. Thanks! Stay cool

@Amit Yes, I need self-love. I think everyone on this forum lacks self-love, minus Leo. (And most people in life) Otherwise, they would not be here <3

@Amit I meditate 2-3 times daily. I do need to work out though. But I've been allowing myself to be tired and sad. I just have zero energy from not sleeping.

@mandyjw Thank you, Mandy. I know it doesn't sound like it from my emotional posts, but when I'm single I have a lot of hobbies and groups of people to hang out in. This break-up is just rough because I don't have my usual distractions and I found Leo's videos so I'd rather change than distract myself. I have a life purpose and am working on financial freedom. When I'm single, I have no desire to be in a relationship. I'm at peace. At the moment I'm detoxing from a relationship so I am all over the place. But before this, I was happy for over 2 years on my own. I'm starting to think I should stay away from men entirely because these issues only arise in relationships. I've been doing well but I think the conversation with my friend about him threw me off. I'll keep working on creating more abundance though. I need close-friends, closer. Most of them live far away. So I will work on this. I would be at the yoga studio every night then posting here but everything is closed. But they'll open back up soon.

@Leo Gura Well, being predictable sounds like I'm not the only one. So it actually makes me feel better. lol Okay, I think, "being left for another girl" is the biggest one in my relationships that derail them. I believe it's from childhood, I won't go into it because it's too long. It was always me vs a prettier girl/more accomplished girl in the small community I grew up in. I think I stay with men who I know are not for me to prove to my ego I am good enough and that they don't want other women. Why else would I be hyper-focused on the way other women look and the way I look? Why else would I have completely lost it when he told me he thinks about other women? I'm always focused on being the most desired in the eyes of someone I love. But shouldn't you be the most desired in the eyes of someone you love? Thinking I'm "unlovable" also, a fairly big one. But more so when I'm out of a relationship. And loneliness makes me afraid to leave. (But I'm working on loneliness and that's not as big of a monster.)

@mmKay I will try very hard to make this short because I know I can get "wordy" and share too much. So I believe polygamy is actually how we are supposed to be in relationships. Theoretically, I think if we have absolute love and no desire to want to be in relationships then being friends and sleeping with them is the natural course. However, I don't see myself being poly any time soon. I'm very monogamous based. (But this could be from trauma) This is really personal but I care very little to nothing about posting my personal shit here. But I have sexual fantasies about my partners cheating on me. My ex (was in love with for 8 years) from before this ex, cheated on me, and after I found out, would fuck me and tell me how he fucked the girls he cheated on me with. It's kind of like he trained me to find it sexually arousing to be cheated on or to see my partner fantasizing about someone else. So I kept this fetish and put it into my last relationship in which I would talk about my partner fucking other women while he was also fucking me. He had a really big issue with it because it made him uncomfortable. In his last letter he sent to me, this was one of his reasons for justifying lying to me about his thoughts. His words, "Not to mention the fact that when we have sex and/or when just talking about sexual fantasies, you made it well known and clear that you fantasize about me fucking other women with you and that you derive some sort of sick pleasure from the pain of seeing me with someone else. Even after I expressed my discomfort with THIS as well, stating that my position is it is inappropriate and I would never want to engage in any kind of sexual behavior like this regardless of it being another woman in addition to you or not because it would feel like cheating." So yeah, I struggle with knowing if these fantasies are okay (?) or not and he obviously felt really uncomfortable with them even though I was really honest and stopped when he told me he was uncomfortable. I'm gonna end this response now because I need to tell Leo something.

@Leo Gura Okay, I will dig. I feel it could be several of these, if not all: "never finding a guy to settle down with, being left for another girl, dying alone, being unlovable, etc."

@Dumuzzi Its funny you say that, two of my friends keep wanting to do this "red cord cutting" ceremony with me. I've been blowing it off because I dont believe in stuff like that. But when you put it in a sense of it being more of a ritual, like marriage, I like the idea of it. I'll call her today to set it up. Thank you for your advice

@4201 I want to say the fear is from abandonment and loneliness. I get that sinking feeling every so often and the book I'm reading says that's from fear of loneliness. But when I feel this, I focus on how my body feels. Next time i will try to use my thoughts as well. I know all fear is irrational. But I will talk myself through the irrationality next time. Thanks!

@Lyubov Yeah, I watch asmr to fall asleep. Which I did then I had another one. I use headspace with guided meditation before asmr. But they keep coming. I'm just going to ride it out. Maybe they will stop in a few days.

@JosephKnecht I know it's from lack of self love. That's why I meditate and do mindfulness work. I watch Leos video and am reading the "Untethered soul." I watch asmr to fall back asleep but the dreams still come. You say, "learn to love yourself" I'm doing every technique I've watched and read about to accomplish this. I've cut contact fully and havent spoken to him in 3 weeks now. During the day I'm usually fine. I'm not obsessed with him, but I think I was addicted to the relationship. "In your posts, you are seeking attention, and that is why you are triggering some people." I'm seeking answers to questions I havent found online or havent read in books yet. If my posts trigger you, maybe you can ask yourself why? If my posts were attention seeking, being that they are posted on a hidden forum (with very few people to get attention from), wouldnt that be a great place to post them to better ones self? I see what you're saying in terms of my posts. When a woman on Facebook starts posting about her relationship and how she feels, I think, "god she just wants attention." And she may or may not. But I dont post things like this on social media. My questions are valid and part of what I'm working on. No matter how annoying they may be to you and others. If I need attention, dont worry, I have a couple close friends and if I need male attention I can easily get it on social media platforms or dating sites. Here is not where I draw my attention from.

@Raptorsin7 The book I'm reading right now that says whenever you feel an emotion come up, you just have to notice yourself experiencing it. Be conscious of your feeling and just feel how your body feels through it. Idk if that makes sense. But it said eventually after noticing when it happens and you dont try to change your reaction, it will go away. When I'm gaming I let it go when I die or if I don't perform well. Most of the time I have zero reactions. But I notice if I'm around people who get angry when gaming, I start to get angry. So maybe limit your environment to only calm players around you. There's also calming video games you can play with zero conflict. They're meant to be relaxing.

@Aquarius Ah, I see you are going through struggles. Yes, just let me know if you need help with eating plant-based, etc. Also keep in mind, when you do live on your own, veganism is actually cheaper. "Veganism being expensive" is another projection that society touts off on top of all the others to prevent you from changing. It's chronic fear of change. Just jump. Meat replacements like, Beyond burgers and such are a luxury. Most vegans live off chickpeas, beans, rice, veggies and fruit. (I literally eat one banana a day. I hate fruit. That's a bad example though) But when you're ready, let me know I wish this picture was smaller but whatever.

@Nemo28 It depends on what your version of consciousness is. I am under the impression it's about silencing thoughts and living in the moment. Kind of like you're a dog or something. Veganism is a justice movement. If children (or dogs) were being raped and killed would you want to willingly pay for this to happen directly if it gave some sort of small pleasure you could easily live without? People would never try to justify any other injustice with, "what about insects though." It's not about causing zero harm. We cause harm just by existing. But just because I cause harm by living, doesn't mean I need to cause the most harm. It doesn't mean I need to pay for animal abuse, child abuse or any other terrible injustice. Idk what this means in terms of consciousness. I don't know if it even relates. Leo might say it doesn't relate. I think he believes morality is subjective. But that's abstract thought to open your mind. It's different when actually paying for someone to brutally murder an animal for a sandwich.

Steroids will reduce the amount of testosterone your body will be able to produce when you stop taking them. It forces your body to produce testosterone. This is not safe. It has been linked to serious heart conditions. The temporary muscle gain is not worth it. Not to mention sex with men on roids is awful. If you do Bio-identical Hormones where MD's check your cbc, cmp, tsh, fsh, test, and estradiol and have testosterone (pure testosterone) compounded and injected into you, it will act as a supplement supply of T and your body will go back to the levels they were at before you started. It doesn't force your body to do anything. You can gain muscle, enhances sex drive, improves overall mood. (We use it for patients with depression and PTSD.) Bio-identical = safe steroids = not safe the optimal testosterone levels for males is between 600-800. This is not medical advice. I've just worked in the industry for a while and take bio testosterone myself. You need a doctor (MD) to prescribe and pull your blood to see where you're at and what you need.

@Aquarius Hey Aquarius, I havent read through the majority of this carnist thread, so I'm not sure all the arguments brought up. (Nor will I) I wont argue with anyone over nutrition because, they're wrong. Lol But I've been vegan for 9 years. I'm incredibly healthy, do yoga, mma and also have my bloodwork checked yearly. I work for hormone/functional medicine doctors of which they highly recommend plant-based diets. Most people who eat animals, need b12 in their diets and have to supplement it. So you can eat an animal with all the negative things attached or you can take a clean supplement. I take two supplements of which I'll post photos of. Then I will post the American Dietetic Association's statement in regards to vegan diets. I can recommend you look for, "whole foods plant based recipes." If you are eating plant-based for health, then that's where you can start. You want to eat what we call, "eating the rainbow." That means your plate should be full of colors. I also recommend you go to a farmers market or the vegetable isle and dont leave unless it's to get rice, beans or other legumes. You wont fuck up, dont worry. You'll just be really confused for a while. If you decide to DM me, I'll send you my insta which has all my cooking stuff and I post my meals every day. I eat 80% clean, 20% junk. If you have questions or anything, you can message me. I cook a lot so I'm pretty knowledgeable of anything that has to do with food. Good luck! ?