Sandeep Reddy

Going to try this. As of now, I don't have a life purpose but I do have hobbies. I will start working on them and see if there's a difference. I am sure there will be as I myself don't masturbate for 3 or 4 days in college. I found myself falling into this loop when I get bored without any reason.

I think this is too simplistic to do anything with that. Thoughts?

Thanks for bringing up this point. I don't have guilt due to masturbation in a moral sense but I do feel guilty that I am using it for escape.

I am a 19 years old guy from third world country(India). Many people here aren't at least aware of terms such as trauma, anxiety, fear properly. They are totally ignorant of these aspects in humans. It's not that they are not ready. They can easily understand these topics but they choose not to. Main reason being, ignorance of mental health. I was brought up by emotionally abusive parents. My father physically hurted me with belt and other things he found at that moment of anger. I honestly thought I did something very wrong and I shouldn't exist in home. I tried running out of house and got many suiciadal thoughts. I can't survive out without my parents support. At the same time, they provide me everything. Whatever I ask, they me buy me that. It's quite confusing to me even now. He hits me, he abuses me but at the same time come to me saying I just did it for you, for betterment of you. Well, everything fired back. I didn't grow to be a strong person as aimed by my parents. Instead, I became psychologically weak person who has social anxiety and a mild pure OCD. Being in third world country, I can't go out for therapy and can't even put in money for therapy. I am not going to accept my fate of getting born in an abusive family. I am sure that this is the condition of many families in India. I got aware of these dynamics but many people are not. They are not able to trace back to where this all started. They blame their brain chemistry or people around them for problems that their own chemistry is causing. I also got bullied by other people of my age in childhood. I was isolated and separated from social circles saying I was weird and I honestly felt like there is something wrong with me. There are many such incidents and I would write a book instead of listing them here. Self-help videos and books brought me out of this shit I am going through. But, the trauma is still affecting me. I could literally feel it running in my body and thoughts when I encounter such situation again. At the same time, I see myself spiritually deep. I have good spiritual understanding. But, it isn't going to repair that trauma. I am not going to accept my fate of social anxiety and intrusive thoughts. At this moment, I am promising that I would work hard on it. I know it is affecting my life to max. It is interfering with everything I am trying to do. I am going to start work on my social anxiety from this day and I am going to list the process here. I want to totally solve social anxiety. I know I can't completely eradicate it but I want to get a 90% improvement! which I believe is possible. *sorry for my bad english

I am in!

I started masturbating one time everyday. I didn't think that was a problem until it took effect on my energy and social life. Somedays I just masturbate using imagination and remaining days to porn. But, overall I am unable to avoid it. It became my addiction and I am using it as an escape. To put things in perspective, I am 19 years old. I have social anxiety, not too serious but I faced a lot of trauma in the past which I am working on right now. When I go without masturbating, even for 3 days, I feel massively anxious and intrusive thoughts come over me. They doesn't let me study or work. More over, these thoughts take over my mind and I also feel massive urges to masturbate. I don't work on anything seriously right now. Many of my attempts to work only lead to procrastination. So, I am sort of taking a break right now. When I get too bored, sometimes I masturbate 3 times also. What's the solution for this? Am I doing it to escape my anxiety and intrusive thoughts? Can I control it? Is it natural to masturbate everyday? Where do I draw the line between my body needs and mind needs in masturbating?

Look bro, you have four terminologies to focus on here, 'Natural Abilities' 'Interests' 'Skills' 'Passion' You have to develop SKILLS You get NATURAL ABILITIES from your childhood or biology Interests are temporary But, passion is something you aim for in long term and it is something that will truly fulfill you Seems like you have an Interest for Engineering that may be coming from inside or indoctrinated from culture, which in case means that you are lying to yourself I think you have interest in engineering but lack in skill which you have to develop through sheer effort. Don't take instant decisions reading this thread. This decision is going to change whole trajectory for your life. Wait few days, question deeply if you really have interest in it and also see if your parents really are ready to let you go even if you want to leave engineering which in case you have to stay till the end.

Yes! I agree with you. I got very less content to deconstruct. I didn't research more on spirituality, self-help, psychology, philosophy that I could call myself knowledgeable in it. All I could deconstruct was emotions, basic self-help stuff & talks with people. I didn't go existential with that. I sort of played with that worldview to only get some BENEFIT out of it. I thought it would solve my social problems, career problems & health problems. It changed the way I view it but it didn't solve it. Thanks for taking your time to write this post

You literally told the voice of my mind. I am not ready yet to take on construct-aware worldview. I still have to learn so much stuff about world. I should also better myself in social life, relationships, career and also get over social anxiety.

About Social Anxiety

This is first ever post of mine in this forum I have been watching Leo's videos since past 5 years. He has really opened me up to new possibilities. Way before, I thought that being atheist is everything and it's a supreme and only real stance to take in this world. Now, I am able to entertain many different paradoxes together. But I also find that, there's another side to it. I am quite confused over what stance to take to view this world. Leo explained in his video "9 Stages of Ego Development" about construct-aware stage. It resonated with me flawlessly. I saw language is meaningless and I thought it is enlightenment. When I say meaningless, it itself does not have any meaning and this goes in loop and there's nothing I can point out to. I enjoyed this stage for, I think, 5 months and then I came back to normal. Is this possible? I felt like I couldn't handle that stage because I don't have enough tools in my pocket. I thought I still have to learn so much stuff in philosophy and psychology. I felt the knowledge I have isn't enough to handle such a perspective. So, I consciously dropped it. Not only that, there are other reasons too. I saw major parts of my life are messed up, my emotions, social life, relationships, and career. Like I couldn't communicate or articulate stuff with people properly. With that, I couldn't handle myself taking meaning out of them. In fact, I felt like I am fooling myself looking at the world in this perspective. What should I do? Should I go back to entertaining construct-aware perspective or is that going to harm my personal life? Should I research more, gather more information about the world, and play with relative truths before taking on such a perspective? I find every damn video pointing out wrong information. This is one of the traits of construct-aware stage. I feel like words are nothing. What we are left with is only the image and feeling generated by the object. I find it quite confusing because I can't subscribe to anything at this stage. Every philosophy or statement that's being said is pointing in wrong direction. I am new to this forum and this is my first post. I have been reading few other posts and found many other people giving reasonable responses. Hope I made myself clear in this post. *To put things in perspective, I am 19 year old guy from third world country(India). Right now, I am studying in a college which I don't like at all. Majority of students in that college subscribed to conformism. I have social anxiety. I find myself socially awkward and not able to put words well for explanation. Recently, I have started freelancing. I am earning less, it's not my purpose, but I feel relatively happy when compared to college.