Tristan12

Very interesting trip, I enjoyed reading it

Update on my situation: I did MDMA today. I had the idea to take it, but I didn't want to, because it can be addictive and harmful. The last time I took it (6 days ago) was only because I was going to kill myself so I didn't care, so I didn't see any reason to take it again. However, I had this intuitive sense that I should do it. There wasn't any reason for me to take It other than for the pleasure of it, but I still had this intuition that I should take it. This quote started playing in my mind: "Intellect is always cautious and advises, "beware too much ecstasy", whereas love says 'oh never mind! Take the plunge!'. I still felt like it wasn't a good idea, like by doing it I'm risking getting addicted, but then I had the feeling that again I am too afraid of harming my life. I don't trust that the universe will take care of me and make things work out, and so I am being overly cautious. So I ended up taking it only because I wanted to follow my intuition. When I measured the first scoop, it was 80mg. I didn't want to do too much, I wanted to do 60mg, but I was having such a hard time trying to scoop some out and bring it to 60mg, that I eventually I just said never mind, and I felt like this was also a sign from the universe, so I stuck with that larger dose. (It ended up being a perfect dose). I won't go through the details of the whole trip, but basically, it ended up giving me a huge amount of insight on what I need to do moving forwards with my life. I never thought of MDMA as being a substance with a lot of intelligence to it, I saw it more as something you take for pleasure, but the amount of insights I got was crazy. I don't think the insights were coming from the drug, I think what happened is that the love and pleasure of MDMA is a very similar frequency to my connection to existential love, and the two of them blending together allowed me to access a crazy amount of existential love, in ways that I've never felt it before, and I was simultaneously getting tons of insights and information on my relationship with this love and what I need to do moving forwards in my life. Because of how deep the love was, I also had moments where I could feel myself about to awaken. There was a moment where I felt like I was about to have a God-realization deeper than anything I've ever experienced on 5-MeO-DMT, which is crazy. I won't go into detail on what I learned from the trip, but overall it was incredible and felt absolutely amazing, and it gave me so much guidance. I didn't even want to do MDMA, and logically it seemed like a bad idea for me to be doing that again considering how susceptible I am to addiction, but I trusted my intuition and did the trip, and it helped me a ton.

I'm copying a lot of this text from my personal trip reports, which is why it's framed as me talking to myself. Yesterday I was feeling really awful, in a lot of pain, and I was really suicidal. I made the decision that I’ve had enough. I can’t live this life anymore. This has gone too far and gotten absolutely ridiculous. I cannot keep putting myself through this hell of a life. It’s cruel, it’s awful, it doesn’t end - I’m done. I’m going to give up on this life, and do whatever I can to make myself kill myself. If the universe wants me to stay alive and do something with my life, then it can make that happen. It’s had plenty of opportunities to do that, but it still won’t. So I am going to kill myself, get rid of this life, and if the universe doesn’t stop me and change something about my life, then it’s not my fault. I’ve done everything I can. I decided to take MDMA. I usually only use it with other psychedelics for healing purposes, and I wouldn't let myself use it for any other reason because it can be addictive, but I didn't care at this point, I was planning on killing myself later that day, so I took it just for my own enjoyment. Noticing my fear of killing myself I plugged the MDMA, it came on gradually and reached its peak after about an hour. During this time I felt SO good. I was journalling on my laptop, listening to music, and I felt amazing. It made me think again that it’s so stupid that I have to live this life and suffer so much for so long, when I could just be in a state like this, feel so good and not be in any pain. I started to think about what I was going to do after this trip. I knew this good feeling wouldn’t last and eventually I was going to go back to being in a lot of pain, and I needed to kill myself. I was really afraid to do that though. I really wanted to kill myself, but the thought of actually doing it is so scary. I don’t know if leaving this life is the right decision, I don’t know how I’ll feel after I die and where I will go, I was so afraid of it all. Eventually I realized that all of this fear I have only hurts me. I really don’t need to be so afraid, not just of killing myself but of life in general. I could see that this fear is an illusion and it’s something I could let go of. You need to have the courage to lose your life. I am so afraid of suicide, of dying, of losing control, moving into the unknown, etc. You need to see that there is really nothing to fear, you will be okay. Giving up my control I realized that I needed to get to the edge of suicide and seriously consider killing myself, right then and there, to really confront my fear of death. I saw that if I had the courage to let go and let myself die, that the universe would take control. If I totally surrender and give up all control of my life, the universe/my higher self will be able to come through me and live my life for me, and Tristan won’t be here anymore to suffer from this life, so I won’t have to physically kill myself to get the relief that I want. See that you can totally give up control to the universe, totally surrender, totally let go, and you no longer need to think about what you need to do to heal and move forwards in your life. That’s not your problem anymore. By totally giving up control over my life, you let the universe come through you and take over. This is exactly what I want, because I am absolutely exhausted from trying to make things work in my life. Just give up and relax. Your only objective at this point is to fully let go of control, and do whatever feels good to you. The thought of healing, moving forwards with my life, starting to work and make money, all of these problems in my life, they don’t matter to me anymore. Forget about all of them. If you get into a position where your back is against the wall and you are forced to do something you don’t like (such as running out of money and being forced to work when I don’t want to) then you kill yourself, no questions asked. You’ve been through enough pain in your life, you’ve suffered enough, it’s not your responsibility to try to make things work anymore. You need to trust that if you fully let go, the universe will take care of you. I’ve been so deeply suicidal for so long, and tried so hard to kill myself, yet I am still here. I am not going to get into a situation where I actually end up killing myself, even if I totally give up control and don’t care about doing anything to make my life any better. What I need to do moving forwards At this point, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, because it is no longer your responsibility to move your life forwards and make things work for yourself. Do whatever makes you feel good and whatever you feel like doing at all times. If you get into a situation where your back is against the wall, then you can kill yourself. Don’t force yourself to keep going through pain and living this life if you don’t want to. If the universe wants things to work out for you, then it will make that happen. Stop worrying about the problems in your life, stop trying to make things work for yourself, because that is not my problem anymore, and it only causes me more suffering to keep stressing about my problems and trying to figure them out. Give up on your life as if you were going to kill yourself, focus on making yourself feel good, and let that help you surrender control more and more, until Tristan is gone and the universe/my higher self has fully taken over me. There is nothing else you have to do. How it feels surrendering to my higher self As I surrender more, the universe will be able to enter my being more. I noticed that as my higher self starts to enter me, it cannot co-exist in my being with all of the emotional issues I have. I can feel a lot of emotional pain coming to the surface to be released as my higher self enters me. I’m sure as I surrender more and more, this will give me the opportunity to heal, and maybe this was the way I was always meant to heal, and this is why healing has never worked for me in the past. I can feel that once all of my emotional pain gets released, I will naturally start to feel like working and moving forwards with my life, but I won’t be forcing myself to do that, and Tristan won’t be the one doing it at all. I can feel that as my higher self really starts to take control, and Tristan falls away, my entire life will be directed by it. Tristan won’t be the one teaching about emotional healing and helping people. The universe will be living through me, helping people directly, and Tristan will be gone. When I surrender and allow my higher self to take control, I can feel myself entering an altered state of consciousness. Life doesn’t feel like a physical reality anymore, it feels like I am walking around in a dream, in an imagination, a mind. I also feel like I am more intelligent and insightful than I was before. Insight comes to me much more easily. I can feel myself being pushed to stop thinking so much and start to feel a lot more. Feeling is how I access my higher self and get direction from it. I can feel a lot of my neurosis and dysfunctional behaviours falling away. My higher self is not weak or afraid, it will not let people push it around, and I can feel a lot of my neurosis being corrected just as a result of my higher self entering me. I really feel like my healing will come from establishing my connection to my higher self, and as I surrender to it, I will receive the love I need to help me heal. . . . My objective now after that trip is to keep working on getting to a point where I can fully surrender and let my higher self take over. I have a lot of fear and resistance within me that prevents me from surrendering, so it will take work to get to the point where I can fully let go. This morning, I went to take a shower, and I was thinking about everything that happened yesterday, thinking about how crazy it is that my higher self is starting to take over me, along with how connected I've felt to existential love lately, such as the episodes of craziness I've had recently after touching existential love. Thinking about all of this together made me really see how obvious that I am awakening and moving towards existential love. As I was thinking about this, I starting crying, and I started acting crazy again and getting into an altered state of consciousness. It was deeper than usual. It felt similar to a state I would get into on a psychedelic, even though I was fully sober. It was a lot more clear, stable and lucid than psychedelics, and it didn't have the blurry headspace they often have. I felt dis-identified with myself, and everything felt so beautiful and amazing. I kept crying and acting crazy, and later I played music and it was absolutely mesmerizing. I was was also looking at pictures of beautiful girls, and was in absolute awe of their beauty - it was just radiating off of them. After I got out of the shower, I plugged 5-MeO-DMT. I was already planning to do it earlier that day. It was a low dose as usual, but I got into quite a high consciousness state from it. My intention was to surrender as much as possible, because that's what I need to be working on, and I left human life quite a lot by doing that. Here's what I got from the trip: You keep thinking that when you take 5-MeO-DMT and awaken, that this is just some state you get into, but your normal human life is what’s real. That’s not the case at all. The awakened state is what’s real, and you’re fooling yourself if you think that it’s not. You think that you can take 5-MeO-DMT and awaken to God, Leo can do that, other people on this forum can do that, and that is just some state you get into, and then you come back to this normal human life and that is what’s real. You’re fooling yourself. There is nobody else to awaken to God but you. This is your dream, you are only imagining that other people exist. Because of this you need to stop giving other people so much authority. You’re giving away your power to an illusion. The only thing that matters is that I awaken and realize the truth of what I am. You think that Leo has this life purpose where he teaches people how to awaken on YouTube, and he has this forum where you can go and talk to other people about awakening, and get advice, but all of this is a massive bullshit story you are creating. There is no Leo, there is no “Leo’s life’s life purpose”, there is no forum, there is no other people to talk to about awakening. All of this is something you’re creating yourself to lead you to awakening. It’s all me. See how foolish it is to give all of it so much authority, when it’s not real, and I’m the one creating it. It’s fine if you want to go back to the forum and live your human life like normal, but you need to stop giving Leo/the forum/people on the forum so much authority. You’re being an idiot by doing this. My relationship with God/the universe/my higher self is the only thing that matters, it’s the only thing that is real, so I need to follow that and obey that no matter what anyone else says. Otherwise, you are giving your power away to an illusion, and you won’t awaken by doing that. (This really helps me to trust what I experienced on MDMA yesterday, that totally surrendering myself and letting my higher self take over is absolutely the right thing to do) I started to surrender deeper, and I could feel myself connecting deeper with this higher consciousness state. I started to cry really hard, and I realized that God is what I have always wanted. Like Leo said: “when you want x, what you really want is God”. However you will only experience God once you completely, 100% surrender, which is something I am still working towards. . . . I'm currently doing better and not feeling suicidal. What I experienced yesterday with MDMA really made me feel a lot better. It's clear that I am headed to some sort of awakening, that my human self is going to fall away and my higher self will take over. I have developed such a deep hatred towards human life because of how much pain I've gone through, and I want to leave this life so badly, but it seems like if I just surrender myself and let go, my higher self will take over, and Tristan won't have to be here living this life anymore. It's also nice to know that it's no longer my responsibility to solve my problems or direct my life in any way. I am so exhausted from doing that, because I try so hard to change my life and it never works, and it causes so much frustration and suffering. Knowing that I don't have to do anything anymore, that I can just let go and let my human self die without physically killing myself, this is a huge relief. This both gives me a reason to stay alive, and it shows me that I will likely undergo a huge transformation over the next few months, and it will result in my higher self living through me, living my life, and Tristan will no longer be here. I'm sure that's what all of this pain I've been going through for years has been leading me to. I'm sharing this post only because all of this makes me really happy, and I love sharing it with other people who are into spiritual work

@Vynce I don't think a spontaneous awakening like Eckhart Tolle is what will happen to me, but I do think my healing will lead to awakening. From all of the insight I've gotten about my life path and about my progression towards existential love, I think the universe has prevented me from healing all this time to keep me suffering and to keep deepening my connection to existential love, and I think I will soon reach a point where I am finally able to heal, and I will simultaneously lose myself to existential love and merge with it, and in that way it will be a form of awakening. This really seems to be how things are going to happen, and I think my life has been destined to play out this way

I remember hearing Leo talk about this in one of his episodes a long time ago, which is why I'm surprised that he doesn't see that my life seems to be leading towards the same kind of thing. I guess there's no guarantees so you can't just assume that that kind of thing is going to happen, especially from an outside perspective where you don't know a whole lot about my life. But I have reason to believe it will, and so I'm going to follow my heart and do whatever I feel deep down is right for me.

I did 4.5 years of sober healing work before ever trying psychedelics. None of it helped me. I'm sure there are other sober methods out there I could try, but at this point psychedelics feel like my best option, and I feel like I have the right to be able to work with them after all the time I've spent doing sober work. I'm not just looking for an easy way out. I think I have a pretty unique situation with all of the spiritual development I've gained from my suffering, and the connection to existential love I've developed. I think my awakening and healing will likely happen simultaneously, so it's not unreasonable to try to awaken on 5meo and heal at the same time. I think that's been destined to happen, that's what my life seems to be leading towards.

I receive a lot of direction and guidance from my higher self. I don't know what the most accurate term would be for it, if it's God or not, I just call it my higher self. I realize that ultimately this is my own self, but the way I interact with it is a duality and so I still treat it as being separate from me, and I don't see any problem with that because all that matters is that I receive its guidance. I really don't care at this point. I am so done with life that all I want to do is kill myself. If I do something that fucks me up and ruins me, I could care less. From what I wrote in my original post in this thread, I realized that I have the opportunity to surrender my human self, and let my higher self take over and direct my life. That way I can stay alive without my human self/ego having to be here and direct things. My only intention at this point is to follow my heart, follow my intuition, surrender myself to my higher self as much as possible. It will be in control of my life, the decisions it makes and where my life goes are up to it. If it ends up being a huge mistake, if I end up hurting myself and killing myself, I am perfectly fine with that outcome because I have no desire to be here anyways. I truly believe that what I'm doing is right for me. I appreciate your response and you trying to help, but I'm going to follow my intuition, and nothing else.

I'm sure it is, but it's hard to stop those thoughts. I have a lot of fear and resistance within me from trauma, so I naturally think in fearful ways, and I need reassurance to help me trust that it will be safe to surrender, which is why I think taking baby steps and gradually surrendering more and more is my best option.

My experiences with 5-MeO-DMT so far have been intimately tied together with this higher self or higher intelligence that has been guiding and directing my life. When I use 5-MeO-DMT it often feels like my higher self is using it to communicate with me and guide me. So that makes me trust that I will be okay to surrender completely on it, and that nothing catastrophic will happen, for the same reason that I haven't been able to kill myself. Maybe in the future what you're saying could happen, but I trust that at this point in my life I'll be okay

@Yimpa What do you mean? What's going on?

@Breakingthewall I'm just saying, I believe I have good reason to trust the guidance of the universe at this point and trust that I will be okay, considering everything that has been going on in my life. That's sort of what I've been saying throughout this whole thread

Lol. I guess I say that in regard to my specific life path. I feel like total surrender is a necessary step for my healing and spiritual development, so if I work towards that and achieve that, the universe isn't going to give me an experience that fucks up my life a whole lot more, in the same way that it won't let me kill myself and throw everything away.

That's sort of the answer I came up with myself. I feel like there is no guarantee that I won't have a bad experience, but I think it's about trusting that the universe has my best interest in mind, and that whatever happens as a result of surrendering and merging with infinite consciousness will be for the best, and I will be okay in the end. You surrender to allow whatever needs to happen to happen. There is no point resisting that. I have been moving in baby steps like you suggest and it works well for me. I think it's very much about building up trust that I will be okay, because I have so much fear and resistance within me and it makes it so hard to let go of control. Something I saw in my 5meo trip the other day is that I live my life thinking that me being a human is what's real, and that doing 5meo and reaching a high consciousness state is just a temporary state, but in reality, the opposite is true. The high consciousness states you reach on 5meo is what's true and real, and seeing myself as a human in my day to day life is an illusion. Because of that, seeing myself as this human that is so afraid of everything is something I'm imagining. When I leave human life on 5meo, and I see that my true self does not have any fear, I need to see that this is my true state. I am God imagining myself as this terrified human. All of this fear and resistance I hold is an illusion that I as God am stuck in, and when I realize that, I see that in reality I am safe and I don't have to be afraid, and so I can totally surrender and release all of this fear I hold. I didn't get to that point, but I could see the potential for it happening. It was uncomfortable, because I was trying to surrender and go deeper, but at the same time I was afraid of letting go completely. What if I start screaming and running around? What if I embarrass myself or get in trouble? I can't control myself if I let go completely. But it was like it was calling me saying "Tristan... Tristan... wake up" I could start to see that I am something so much bigger than my human self, and for me to fully leave my human self and embody what I really am is such a strange and unfamiliar feeling, especially when my human self is always so afraid and wants to always stay with what is comfortable and familiar. It wasn't a scary experience, I was just wrestling with myself, squirming around, trying to be okay with letting go. But I made progress through doing that, and I could probably go deeper next time. Baby steps like you said

Yeah I'm not asking about this for anything related to suicide. It's for progressing my spiritual development, and healing. If I totally surrender (on 5-MeO-DMT for example) and reach ego death, is there any possibility that I could reach some deeply painful state that I could not get out of? You said that you would reach infinite love, but is there a possibility of going anywhere else? I'd imagine there are plenty of experiences that can be had beyond ego death. What about insanity for example? I've heard people talk about experiencing that on psychedelics and it's terrifying. If I totally surrender, could I fall into that and not be able to get myself out? I have also heard that on the other side of ego death, there is no fear, because you're dead, so maybe there would be nothing to worry about.

Thanks for the advice, but it doesn't really give me assurance that I would be okay on the other side of full surrender. I think it can be a good strategy to deal with negative thought spirals though

@Leo Gura @Inliytened1 Can you or anyone else help me out with this? I am working on getting better at surrendering because I can tell it is something I need to learn how to do at this point. When I did 5-MeO-DMT the other day, I was trying to surrender deeper, and I was getting better at it, but the main fear that I have is that if I totally let go of control, 100%, and merge with the universe, then I could end up in some painful hell realm, and not have any control to be able to get myself out of it. What would you say in response to this? I want to hear from someone who has gone through ego death and been on the other side of full surrender, to know if I really have anything to worry about by letting go completely.

I have been going through this hell for almost 8 years, and I haven't been seriously suicidal until the last 2 years or so. So I have fought hard to change my situation for years. But eventually, as time passes, the suffering gets deeper, nothing you do works to change your situation, you naturally become suicidal, because that feels like the only way out. It doesn't matter, I don't want to talk about it. You're entitled to your own opinion. I'm just saying it's not helpful to me, but thanks for trying

Thank you, I appreciate it

This is not tough love, this is ignorance and delusion. You're lucky I'm used to people saying these kinds of things to me and it doesn't bother me anymore, because a comment like this could easily push a suicidal person over the edge.

It's interesting you say that, because I've noticed in moments when I've come really close to killing myself, when I'm actually about to take action and do it, I don't really want to. In that moment I can see that all of this talk of wanting to kill myself is just mental chatter and a mind game. I am obsessed with the idea of killing myself because it feels like the only way I can have control over the amount of pain I'm in, and the only way I can get relief, but when I actually am about to do it, I don't really want to end my life. My suicidal thoughts are just a coping strategy. All of this suicidal ideation is just the ego panicking and freaking out, but beneath the ego, my being does not have a problem with life and is totally on board with it. When I start to really consider killing myself, the way I feel is that it's so obvious that everything I'm going through is happening for a reason, I am on a journey towards truth and love, and so of course I need to keep going and there is no way I could kill myself. I also feel like there is still so much more I could do to resolve my situation, and I wouldn't really have a reason to kill myself unless I was utterly trapped in my suffering with no possible way out. I also have so much potential for what I could do with my life. I can't throw all of that away. My mind starts pointing out all of that to me when I get close to killing myself. I try not to think about those things and shut out those thoughts, but it just doesn't work. My intuition that this is all happening for a reason and I need to keep going is so strong and overbearing that I physically cannot get past it. I remember I had this moment I think about 6 weeks ago, I was driving, listening to music, and I entered this altered state of consciousness where I lost touch with my human self, and I felt like I was embodying existential love. From this perspective, it felt like my passion and love for life was at an all time high. The suffering I go through makes no difference to this part of me, if anything it just makes it fall deeper in love. No matter how much I get the shit kicked out of me by life, this part of me is deeply, endlessly, passionately in love. The love and passion just courses through my veins, and I am happy as ever. It's clear that all of this suffering I've been through is just my ego getting killed off so that my higher self can come through me. Of course I will kick and scream and talk about how much I hate life and how much I want to kill myself, but in reality, I am at no risk of harming myself, because deep down, my heart is madly, truly, endlessly in love, and I am not going anywhere. From what I said in the original post in this thread, I really feel like I am getting close to the point where all of this hell will finally be over, and my human self will fall away. So I think I am almost done. I need to follow my heart, follow my intuition, follow what my connection to existential love tells me to do. That is the only thing that matters. There is no need for therapy, no need for SSRIs, no need to play it safe or choose the sensible option. Following my heart is the only thing that matters, and that is the only thing I will do.

Thank you. Yeah it is annoying, but I've been dealing with it for years so I am used to it at this point. I haven't been through any overt abuse in my life, and the traumas that I've been through don't seem like they would be that difficult, so it's always been very difficult to get people to understand how much pain I'm in. My pain is still as deep and real as I say it is whether people believe it or not. I walk this path alone, and my connection to existential love/my higher self makes me feel that there is something that truly knows and understands me, and so it doesn't matter if other people understand or care about my situation or not. When I connect with existential love, I am met with more compassion and understanding than any human could ever give me. I appreciate when people can be understanding and empathetic towards me as well, but it's not a big deal if they're not.

You clearly don't understand just how severe mental health issues can get. My condition is really deep and complex, it's hard to explain and understand. Ultimately everything was caused by trauma, and it has deepened and worsened a lot over the years.

You're right, I don't know, it's just a guess, but I am still confident in that guess. The only reason I'm alive is because I'm unable to kill myself. I constantly wish I was dead and I would have killed myself a long time ago if I was able to. Starving people in Africa continue to live their lives, reproduce and have families and everything. Of course like you said I know nothing about their situation and so I am just speculating, but if all of those people where in so much pain that they were as suicidal as I am, wouldn't they all have killed themselves by now? The pain has been bad for them, but not bad enough to push out every single little desire for life and survival, the way it has for me. The fact that starving people in Africa, people in war torn countries, people who have lost limbs, the fact that they don't all kill themselves any chance they get makes me feel like they haven't suffered as deeply as I have. As I said, I'm not depressed, so I'm not suicidal just from an innate sense of hopelessness and meaninglessness. I'm a strong person, I'm very passionate about life, I've wanted to be alive and do something great with my life, but I have been crushed and destroyed sheerly from extreme levels of suffering for such a long amount of time. How could all these people have endured more suffering than me and still go on to live their lives? So people on this forum shouldn't compare other people's suffering to mine, saying other people have it worse than me, because they haven't lived my life and they don't know what I've experienced

Dude, with all due respect, you know nothing about my situation. First of all, I don't have depression, and second of all, you have no idea how deep the pain I've been through is. You don't know what that pain does to a person. I could care less about being a loser, about being a coward, about disappointing and hurting people from my death, even about doing what is morally right. The pain gets so bad and so deep, goes on for so long and is so endless, that I get into situations where I would do whatever I possibly can to end my life and escape it, no matter the consequences. I certainly don't care about being a loser just because I killed myself. lol. I have developed such a deep, seething hatred for human life. It's like my body shakes in anger and disgust at this life. That's great if you can manage to be happy in a difficult situation, but I can't do that, and it's abusive to myself to expect myself to do that. I would go insane trying to make myself be happy while going through what I am. I’ve always been super passionate about life and wanted to make something amazing out of it, I’m strong and willing to take on challenge and difficulty, it takes A LOT to make me want to kill myself and give up on life, and yet I have been ground to a pulp and gotten to a point where I am on my knees begging for mercy, begging for this life to be over. I firmly believe that if all of my mental health issues were gone and I became a starving child in Africa, or was placed in a war-torn country, or was in a hospital with missing limbs or burn injuries, I really believe I would be suffering less than I am now. You can’t tell me that plenty of people have it worse than me and would want to trade places with me. Who would trade places with someone who wants to be dead more than anything? Someone who is desperately clawing at the walls of life, begging it to stop, begging for it to be over, balling their eyes out, begging for the pain to end. This has been going on for almost 8 years now. The only reason I am alive is because I am physically unable to kill myself, certainly not because I want to be alive. You'd be an idiot to think your life would be better trading places with someone like that, and telling me to cheer up and be happy because plenty of people have it worse than me is both incorrect, and only makes me feel worse. So no, people in hospitals with missing limbs and burn injuries would not give everything to be in my position. I'm sure you meant well with your response, but I completely disagree with what you said in regard to my personal situation.

I said in the original post that I only used MDMA because I was going to kill myself that day and I was doing it just to enjoy myself. I was intentionally not being careful with it