Tristan12

I'm in an extremely difficult life situation and I'd really like some advice on what to do. There is so much I could explain, but I'm going to try to keep this relatively short and just get to the point. So I've been suffering from extreme mental health issues for the past 7 years. It has been absolutely unbearable, and the suffering gets deeper and deeper as time goes on. I've spent the last 5 years trying to heal myself by making my own trauma healing technique, but I never succeeded with it. I finally decided to stop working on it, because I was going to end up killing myself, so I decided to go do ayahuasca. I spent 5 weeks around October this year doing ayahuasca. It ended up helping me tremendously and I felt totally transformed. Once I left the retreat, a few days later I lost almost all of my results, and they haven't returned since (it's been a month now). A week ago I had a really amazing mescaline trip that I felt I got a lot of good healing from, but then two days later the results were gone. I've gone through so much suffering and spent so much time trying to heal myself, almost 5 years, then I finally decided to throw in the towel and do psychedelics, just to stay alive, and now even after 5 weeks of ayahuasca I'm still in the same situation I was in before. I could write paragraph after paragraph explaining this, but you have NO IDEA how exhausted I am and how much I hate being alive. The fact that after all this time and effort, I still can't heal, I am so done, and I want more than anything than to be dead and put out of my misery. As a side note, over the years, as I've suffered more and more, I have developed a really deep connection to existential love. I can feel it and access it very easily, and I've come to realize that developing that connection has been the point of everything I've been going through, and that's helped me to hang in there. But it's gotten to the point where I don't care about that more and I just need this pain to stop, and I want to die. I hate being alive with a passion. I've been thinking though, considering that I haven't been able to heal even with psychedelics, and thinking about this connection to existential love i've been developing over the years, I wonder if the way this chapter of my life is supposed to end is for me to have some kind of massive awakening, to merge with existential love. I feel like if I could stay in my physical body, but be totally dead inside, I would be happy, and I wouldn't suffer anymore. Because of this, I have been thinking, maybe if I take a large amount of 5-MeO-MALT or 5-MeO-DMT and have complete ego death, maybe that would help me. I don't really expect that a state like that would stick, but maybe it would heal me in some way? Either way, if I was to do something like that, I know it would not be easy and it would totally terrify me and traumatize me. My ego is so sensitive and fearful that there is no way it would let go without putting up a fight, despite how much I hate being alive. I really don't know what to do in this situation, so I'd appreciate general advice, but I'd also like advice on the psychedelic thing, on if people think going for ego-death would be helpful to me, even if I have to go through a terror trip to get there. I want nothing more than to die and become one with God/existential love. I fucking hate this stupid human life. That's why I think an experience of ego-death/God realization could really help me, but I'd have to be sure it's what I really want, because I'm sure I'll have to go through a terror trip to get there. @RendHeaven going to tag you here because you suggested a large dose of malt to me before, and it kind of got me thinking, so I'd appreciate your advice as well

When taking 5-MeO-DMT or something similar, is it safe or okay to take another dose as you are starting to come down? I am very cautious with the dosage I take, as to not overdo it, so the other day when I was doing 5-MeO-DMT, I waited about 10 minutes before deciding to take another hit, but at that point I was already part way through the trip. Also, when I was farther into the trip and it was close to ending, I really liked where I was at and what I was working on, so I wanted the trip to continue, so I took another hit, but I didn't know if it was a good idea. Is it okay to take more doses in the middle or near the end of short-lasting trips like 5-MeO-DMT, to make it go on longer?

I went to one of the highest rated ayahuasca centres out there. They were great. Their shamans were Shipibo, the centre was in the Amazon in Peru. https://www.arkanainternational.com/ I was there for 5 weeks. I did 16 ayahuasca ceremonies, 6 Bufo ceremonies, and a plant diet for one week. I had a lot of issues connecting with the medicine at first. I tried to control the trips too much, I would think too much, it was hard for me to surrender. Things only started to work for me in my last week there, and I had a series of ceremonies with massive amounts of purging. I have an idea of why the healing might not have stuck for me. I think it has to do with parts of me resisting other parts, and not allowing the emotions to integrate. It's surprising because I thought ayahuasca would have been intelligent enough to notice that and resolve that, but maybe I was still controlling too much and still had issues connecting with the medicine. Over the past week I've been using my prior psychology knowledge + working with psychedelics to try and get an understanding of why my healing didn't stick, and I feel like I'm starting to get somewhere with it. So I'm hoping I'll be able to heal myself. Even though the healing didn't stick with ayahuasca, I worked with it for so long that surely it must have healed me in some ways. Maybe there was healing done at a much deeper level that I'm not aware of, and I need to take care of my main emotional issues with the work I'm doing now. I don't think me losing my results has anything to do with negative thoughts. When I left the retreat, a lot of my emotional issues were gone, but a few days later they started to come back, and I didn't change anything about how I was thinking or the kinds of thoughts I was having.

Not much honestly. Most trips were very bodily, like a lot of physical discomfort, vomiting, groaning, and then the more mental or emotional trips I had were mostly different forms of purging (crying, groaning, shaking, etc). The few insights or realizations I had weren't really things that I could apply to my everyday life. I took very deep and extensive notes on my trips, and spent hours writing out trip reports, so I have record of what happened and I could go back and look at them, but off the top of my head I can't think of anything I learned that I could apply to my everyday life, at least anything that would help me heal. But maybe it would be valuable to look through my trip reports and contemplate what I could apply from my trips to my everyday life, and maybe I could get new ideas for tools I could use from that.

Were there legal repercussions for being on a substance?

That's what people keep saying, but I don't understand what that means. I spent years doing emotional work on myself without psychedelics before ever doing ayahuasca. Now that I've done it, I don't feel any different, and I am back in the same place of having to do sober work. That's good to know

@Sincerity It's hard to understand exactly what you're saying, because I don't know if I have the right idea about the things you're talking about and what you're referring to. Both you and @QandC say the following thing: I'm assuming you're talking about physical death here. That's what I was referring to originally. My idea of what happens once the physical body dies is that the ego dissolves, you leave the dream of life, and you merge with God and infinity, like a water drop falling into the ocean. That is my idea of what happens when you die from what I've learned about spirituality. If this is wrong, then please explain what happens after death. All of the suffering I've been through over the years has led to me developing a connection with existential love, and when I access existential love, I can feel my ego fading away, and the love getting stronger, and that effect increases more over time as I suffer more. It feels like I have been meant to stay stuck in suffering for years to chip away at my ego, and connect me to existential love. All of this has also made me significantly more interested in the spiritual path, and I'm barely interested in material goals at this point (beyond what's needed for basic survival). It's clear to me that I've gotten a lot of spiritual development out of the suffering I've been through, I have a strong intuition that all of that was meant to happen and that's why I've suffered so much to begin with, so it doesn't resonate and I don't agree when you say that I have the wrong idea about needing to suffer, or that it was all for nothing. How do you know? Isn't it a common occurrence throughout history that people go through massive amounts of suffering, which ultimately leads them to a massive awakening one day? I have already gotten a lot of spiritual development from the suffering I've been through. Of course I don't know if it would lead to a huge awakening or not, but I don't see why it would be unreasonable to think that it might. I don't think that more suffering and then a massive awakening needs to happen at this point, but I'm just saying that I don't think I'm unreasonable to have suspected that it might.

What do you mean? Do you mean that the effects can linger if you spend too much time with something like 5meo at once?

Thank you guys

@Sincerity That gives me a lot to think about. Thank you for your response

I'm starting to get into psychedelics and I need information on dosages and routes of administration. I did some brief research on google and in the search bar here but it was hard to find everything I was looking for, so I'd appreciate if anyone could link me some resources or just type out the information here. I'd like information on all of the main psychedelics, for my notes. Info on mushrooms and LSD are easy to find myself with a google search. I ordered NN-DMT and 5-MeO-DMT vape pens and I got info on dosage for those, but I'd like info on dosage for other routes of administration, with HCL or freebase. I also need info on dosages for synthetic mescaline, including dosing for plugging. And lastly I really need dosages for 5-MeO-MALT because I haven't found any info on that yet. Really any information you guys can share with me on dosing, ROA and what to expect from these psychedelics would be appreciated. Here are some links I have so far: (thanks to max) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/8019-the-5-meo-dmt-mega-thread/?page=149#comment-1477662 https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/8019-the-5-meo-dmt-mega-thread/?page=149#comment-1535014 https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/8019-the-5-meo-dmt-mega-thread/?do=findComment&comment=76320

I don't think so, for this reason: When I suffer for years, the pain I feel on a daily basis is coming from a core trauma/emotional wound. Why would I have to heal from the pain that wound creates for years, on top of the original wound itself? To me it makes more sense that you would heal the core wound, and then all of the pain and symptoms coming from that would be healed as a result of that. That's the point of a root solution. Why would you also need to heal all the symptoms and pain you've gone through over the years on top of that? In that case, you would think that you would need emotional healing for every single day of your life, for every little bit of pain you go through

@shree Thank you. I especially like what you said about psychedelics. I used a foam roller on one of my recent trips and I feel like that really helped me to release a lot of blocked emotions in my body. I think what you suggested is another good technique to use

No, I didn't I say it that way because the pain I experience is so complex and coming from so many different sources. It's become this way over time as my primary issues became more severe. The pain of it all seems to have broken down and degraded my mind to a point where every little thing hurts me and causes me suffering, and it's all so intricate and complex. I could articulate exactly what causes me pain, how I experience pain on a daily basis, where it comes from, but it would take a massive amount of writing to do that, which is why I haven't written it here The plans I have for what I want to do with my life are based on my passions and what I love. There isn't anything else that motivates or interests me more (at least that I've discovered so far). This comment makes me think of parts work though. The idea of exploring your mind to see if there are parts of you with opposing feelings and motivations, that may be holding you back or creating resistance, and working with them to create harmony. I think this is what I need to figure out why I haven't been able to heal and why my results aren't sticking, but I think this could be useful for me in other ways as well, to get a deeper understanding of my psychology.

This means a lot to me, thank you. I forget that I have my channel linked in my signature, and honestly it's kind of embarrassing that I have videos talking about psychology and emotional healing, when I've spent years trying to heal myself and haven't succeeded, and I'm barely surviving. But it means a lot that you still view it in a positive light, and you see my potential. I think I'm too hard on myself expecting myself to be some psychology master when I'm 24, and on top of that the extreme emotional issues I've been dealing with over the years have definitely made me a lot less effective at my work than I could have been. Your response reminds me of my potential, and I know I could do something really profound with my life and my work down the road if I manage to hang in there, and as you said, learn the lessons that this chapter of my life is trying to teach me. Yeah, I don't think what I said in my original post about a large dose of 5meo would be a good idea, so I'm not going to do that until I get better. But I do plan to continue to work with psychedelics in smaller doses, for healing and emotional release, along with other kinds of work to try and figure out why my healing isn't sticking, and hopefully that will allow me to resolve things. Thank you for your response

@RendHeaven Thank you, especially for the descriptions, that’s really helpful

I've heard Leo and other people talking about contemplating on psychedelics, and how doing that supercharges your contemplation. I don't really understand how to do that though, because psychedelics generally make it more difficult to think clearly, and even if you can, it sort of takes your attention off of the trip, when I figured it would be better to calm your mind, surrender, and focus on the experience? Can someone please explain to me how this is done, because I have questions I want to get answers to from psychedelics, but I don't really know how to approach it.

I've developed a deep connection to existential love from all the suffering I've been through over the years. It gets deeper and deeper over time and so I feel like I have good reason to suspect that this chapter of my life might be meant to end with a massive awakening. What I wrote about using psychedelics to try and have a massive awakening, that was just an idea. It doesn't mean I'm actually going to do that, or that I've been trying to do that with psychedelics in the past. I don't think I'm too spiritually immature at all to be taking psychedelics. How dare you say my wish to die is ridiculous. I'm in an incredible amount of suffering, I have been for years. If I desire to die, to leave this world, become one with God, then that's how I feel, and I don't appreciate you saying it's ridiculous. I don't care if you didn't mean to put me down. You don't speak to a highly suicidal person like that.

I took notes on almost every line from the Spiral Dynamics stage yellow video, it took me around 5 hours. The benefit was that allowed me to organize the information better and set up the note in a way that is easy to follow. I was then able to make another note summarizing each section in my own words, basically making a guide on how to reach stage yellow. It's up to you how you want to take notes on the ego development video, but there can be benefit to taking notes even if you're writing down every line. For the what is truth video, I think it's up to you whether you want to take notes on that or not, and if so, how in depth they are. Whatever is helpful to you. Personally I would still take notes on it, maybe write out the main points and give solid explanations to make sure you really understand what Leo is saying.

That's the process that I worked with for 4.5 years (I stopped in August). I started using it, it didn't work for me, then I spent the rest of the time trying to figure out how to make it work, making my own versions of it, and I eventually had to stop because I was going to end up killing myself if I didn't do something else. I know that working with a practitioner would probably be different, so that's an option I guess. My main problem right now is that the healing I get doesn't stick. I had a really deep and profound healing experience one time in 2020 when I was toying around with making my own version of the completion process (although I was never able to recreate it) the healing I got with it was deeper than some healing experiences I've had with psychedelics, and I felt totally different after, but a few days later, the results were gone. Then as I said before, I got a ton of healing from ayahuasca, and from a mescaline trip I had, but the healing faded away a few days after those experiences as well. I really feel like there must be a part of me that is resisting the healing. I became aware a few years ago that I have a wound of powerlessness on top of my shame/abandonment wound. What that means is that I have a lot of resistance to the shame I feel, because it makes me feel deeply powerless when I feel it. I always figured that was the reason why the healing didn't stick with my experience in 2020. With ayahuasca, I figured the medicine would have been intelligent enough to recognize and resolve any blockages like that that I might have, so it's strange to me that my results still didn't stick. . It doesn't make sense to me why the healing doesn't stick when I get big emotional releases on psychedelics. Childhood trauma is created when a child goes through an intensely difficult emotional experience, they can't handle it on their own because there is nobody there supporting them, and so they dissociate, which separates the painful emotion from their conscious mind, and suppresses it, with the intention of revisiting and releasing it later. If there was a parent there to comfort the child, the emotion could be processed and released, and there would be no lasting trauma. Because of that, it would make sense that all you would need is to cry out and process the blocked emotion, so there would be no need for healing to take months or years, you just need to be able to access the emotion buried in your subconscious. That's what I did with that experience I had in 2020. The purging lasted maybe 10-20 minutes and I felt like a totally different person after. Psychedelics allow you to get into your subconscious mind, to access and purge these difficult emotions, so if I can feel through and process these emotions on psychedelics, why would the healing not stick? People say that psychedelics show you what's possible, and then you have to work towards it sober, but if that's the case, then it's kind of weird how that happens. For example, when I'm on a psychedelic, I process and release emotional pain. I cry, I yell, all of that, and then I feel so much better, and it lasts for a few days. If psychedelics want to show me what's possible, wouldn't they just bring me to positive emotional states in the trip that show me how I could feel? What's the point of doing all of that purging if it's apparently not actually real purging? To me, it doesn't make sense that psychedelics couldn't heal you, even in a short amount of time, and it doesn't make sense that the purpose of them is to show you what's possible, considering the purging and apparent healing that happens. . I feel like the most important thing for me to do to be able to heal at this point is to figure out why my healing doesn't stick. I think there must be a part of me that is resisting and preventing it, so I think what I need is parts work or potentially IFS. I also want to get back in touch with the staff at the ayahuasca retreat I went to, to see if they have any advice. The fact that I spent 5 weeks there and spent as much money as I did, only for my mental health issues to still be as bad as they were before, that doesn't seem right, and I wonder if they would let me come back without charging me.

Thank you

I wouldn't say that I hate myself. I don't love myself, but I generally like myself as a person, and self-hatred isn't something I've ever really struggled with. I hate being alive in this human life, because the suffering is so immense and it doesn't end. If you're saying that this human life/reality is God and so in that sense I hate myself/God, then okay, but when I say I want to become one with God, I mean I want to stop existing as a finite self, I want to leave this world/this dream of life, I want to become one with the Godhead, and not suffer anymore. I'm suffering because I have/am an ego and I exist as a finite self, and suffering is created by trying to maintain that sense of self, and I want to die so I don't have to suffer from that anymore. Up to this point I've used psychedelics with the intent of healing and purging my blocked emotional pain, which I've done, although the healing doesn't last. Me saying that I'm considering using psychedelics to try and have a massive awakening and ego-death, that was only an idea. I'm not necessarily going to do that, and I certainly haven't been trying to do that with my psychedelic use up to this point. Frankly I'm terrified of ego-death, I just had the idea that maybe it would help me and be worth going for. That's the crux of your issue right there. You want all of this happening. On YOUR terms. Which is exactly what you're getting and why you're suffering. Nothing you try will work because you're clinging fiercely and only using everything to resist further. The more you act on that intent, the more you suffer. But you can stop. I kind of understand what you're saying, and I kind of agree with it based on what I think I'm understanding, but I'd appreciate if you could explain what you mean further. I've thought about that, but it's hard to care at this point. I realize it's stupid if i'm just going to end up reincarnating back into a similar situation. I don't know 100% if that would actually happen, but even if it did, the pain gets so bad at times that I still want to end things, and not just not think about the repercussions of it. I know how stupid that is, but when the pain gets so unbearable, I don't care about anything but getting immediate relief I think the reason I resist all of my suffering so strongly is because of how long I've been going through it. It's been 7 long years. Earlier on I would try to be with my emotions, feel through them, surrender to them, and not fight so much, but over time, the pain worsens, it becomes unbearable, and the suffering takes such a toll on me that I end up in this situation where all I do is resist and fight everything that's happening, because I can't take it anymore. It breaks me and destroys me and turns me into this giant mess that is frantically trying to get out of this hell that I'm in. Thank you for your response. I think what you said was insightful and is helpful for me to think about, and hopefully you can clarify those things I asked about.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond, I appreciate your help. It's difficult for me to spend a lot of time reading through everything and formulating responses because of the condition I'm in, and how difficult it makes it to focus and work, so I need to take my time, but I'll respond eventually. For now I'll just say, about therapy, even if I could get a form of therapy that would cost me little to no money, I still go into more debt each month to cover living expenses, and I'm only a few thousand away from going bankrupt. That means I need to be in a good enough position to start working and making money within a few months at the most. The main problem I have with working is that I get into really brutal emotional states at times, and I need to take breaks to relax or sleep or something, to be able to cope. If I have no choice but to go work a job when i'm in a state like that, I would get extremely suicidal. It would be bad for me, and I doubt I'd be able to keep a job being that way. I would need a job that I could work on my own schedule, that I could work when I feel okay enough to do so. On top of that, it would have to be something I enjoy, because if I have to suffer a boring, mindless job, that I don't want to be doing, after all the suffering I've already been through and am going through, again, I'd rather be dead than do that. The work load would also have to be not overly demanding, because it's very difficult for me to be productive, focus and get a lot of work done. I get super tense and anxious easily and I need to distract myself and take breaks frequently. So it's a pretty tall order... lol

I don't know, I've been very resistant to the idea of taking medication for a long time. I'd almost rather be dead than start taking that. Even if I did start taking it, I would feel like such a failure considering that my life purpose is in psychology, it's about creating healing techniques, and I plan on coaching people and teaching on YouTube, yet I will have been incapable of healing myself after years of trying, and I will have ended up having to resort to medication. Lol. It could potentially keep me alive, but at that point I would really struggle to want to be, because it would feel like such a slap in the face to have to resort to medication when I've been determined for years to figure out how to heal myself at the root. I already barely want to live even without that.

@trenton I've seen both of your responses, I appreciate you taking the time to write everything. It's all stuff for me to think about. I'm going to write out some more in this thread about my situation and about what I feel like I need to resolve things, and hopefully that will answer the questions you had in your second response. My life purpose is about creating deep emotional healing processes/techniques. I did Leo's life purpose course, but along with that my purpose was quite easy for me to find because I stumbled upon it from my life situation. As I started working on trying to heal myself, I realized I had a love for psychology and emotional healing. What really helped me was getting very clear on the exact niche and area that I'm interested in, and not discounting a potential career path just because of how it looks on the surface. For example, I have no interest in being a regular therapist or psychologist. I want to work independently and create my own techniques, rather than following something I learned from school, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life working one-on-one with clients. I don't mind spending some time working with clients, but what I really love is learning about psychology and making healing processes. What I am really passionate about is very deep, root level healing, and also learning about emotions and how they work and function. Depth is one of my highest values, so I love approaching psychology in that way, and I'm not interested in basic, surface level healing methods. My point is that my life purpose is something very specific and niche that perfectly fits my personality and strengths, and if I discounted psychology and therapy just because I didn't like the idea of it on the surface, I wouldn't of found this specific niche that perfectly fits me. Beyond that, I think gaining a lot of self-awareness is very important, such as learning your strengths and weaknesses, your values, things that you're passionate about and enjoy doing, learning as much about yourself as you can. I have pages and pages on these topics in my notes that I have been adding to for years, and it helps me to pinpoint exactly the kind of work I want to be doing in my life.