Tristan12

I’ve heard of a place called Arkana from a couple youtubers who made some videos of retreats there and it seems like a really great place. I’ve never done aya but once I eventually do I plan on going there. You should research it

You may have issues around grief or other emotions from earlier traumas that make it difficult for you to access these emotions now, so you would probably want to find and address those, but for now, treat emotional numbness as its own emotion. If you think about your grandfather's death and you can't get yourself to grieve, just let yourself feel how you feel, even if you don't really feel anything, and just sit with that and let yourself feel that way. Numbness is often a cover emotion for overly strong or difficult emotions. A cover emotion is an emotion sitting on top of another emotion to try and protect you from a more painful emotional state. If you just sit with it, honour it for what it is (trying to protect you from a painful emotional state) and let yourself feel it, you will often drop into the emotion beneath it. I recommend just sitting with your numbness and letting yourself feel that, and it may help you start to feel again. It's important that you don't just try to push your way through the numbness and instead you honour and respect it for what it is, since its trying to help you, so go into it with that mindset.

I grew up with a single mother, and one thing I remember is that she always provided for me and gave me everything I needed, and I was never wanting for anything. Even beyond basic necessities, she would buy me toys and other things I wanted all the time, and when I look back I am really grateful for all of that considering that she raised me alone and she didn't always have much money. I was grateful for those things, but I wouldn't say they contributed much to the love I felt as a child. I think all of the love I felt came from some sort of emotional connection. When I think about times that I felt love as a child, I think of quality time I spent with my mum and family, but specifically times where I just really enjoyed it and felt really close with them, times where we were happy or laughing and I felt really connected to them and really loved. Other things I can remember that made me feel loved where times where I would get hurt or upset, and I would be crying, and my mum would be there for me and comfort me. That would always make me feel really loved and safe. Of course that didn't always happen, hence my trauma and emotional issues lol, so I think seeing how much it destroys you inside as a child to not get the love you need when you are facing some sort of distress, that's what really makes you feel the least loved as a child, and so I would say that the inverse of that is also true - your parents loving and embracing every part of who you are, and always being there for you when you are hurt, showing you that its completely okay to feel the way you're feeling, that feels like the most loving thing. The love you feel is never really about anything external, it's about your parent's love and embrace of you for who you are. To the degree that my mum/family did do these things, that's what made me feel the most loved. Emotional support and recognition/approval of certain qualities I had.

I remember I used to have these weird hallucinations when I would start falling asleep when I was a kid. it's really hard to describe but its something along the lines of sensing some sort of shape and then I can feel it just get exponentially bigger over and over. I hadn't had this happen in years but then when I started a meditation habit a couple years ago, I now get it every once in a while when I meditate.

I have the same experience whenever I whip out my Pokémon card collection

Wow. That's amazing

"There is no salvation for the soul but to fall in love. Only lovers can escape out of these two worlds. This was ordained in creation. Only from the heart can you reach the sky: the rose of glory can only grow from the heart" - Rumi

Thinking you are unlovable ultimately comes from unintegrated shame from childhood, which means its emotionally based. It's an emotion trapped within you that needs to be felt through and released. Because of that, its not just the case that people who think they are unworthy or unlovable just believe something crazy and need to change how they think, so you can't resolve this issue (at least at the root) just by trying to tell yourself how worthy you are, or telling yourself to stop thinking you're unlovable. No amount of doing that will resolve anything. By doing that you are just opposing and invalidating your own emotions of shame. You're better off telling yourself/knowing that its completely okay to feel unlovable, and then just be with that feeling and let yourself feel it, rather than opposing it and trying to get rid of it. It will naturally become much easier to deal with at that point. You will need to process and release that emotion of shame that is trapped within you from childhood to be able to heal and resolve this issue completely.

Astrology only started to resonate with me more once I learned about my sun/moon/rising rather than just my zodiac sign. It makes sense because having a more in depth description of your signs would be more accurate to each person. I’m a Sagittarius, and I never really resonated with it that much, but then I learned I am Sag sun and rising and Cancer moon. I resonate with Cancer moon a ton, and I can see how some parts of myself resonate with Sagittarius a lot, so having that more detailed description feels a lot more accurate to me. Before I felt like I resonated with Sag a bit but it never felt like a good description of my whole personality, but now having the cancer moon piece makes everything feel a lot more accurate, because I can see that Sag is just a part of me and not all of me. I don't know that much about astrology but i'd be willing to bet there is a fair amount of truth to it if you go into the details of it.

@Judy2 @RickyFitts When sadness is dealt with in a healthy way, and it is allowed to be felt, and you don't run from it, it's often felt as more of a melancholy, which is like sadness combined with love. Sadness is about loss, and when you're not in resistance to it, its not really painful and instead you get into a state of love and appreciation for what was lost, which is melancholy. That's where sadness can actually be an enjoyable emotion. I very much agree that sadness/melancholy is very beautiful. It's one of my favourite emotions

One thing i've been sort of confused about is if infinity is the impossible made possible, why does reality 'have to' be this way and that way, and not some other way? Why is infinity not knowable, why is God Love, and then you give logical explanations to why these are the case, but why does reality have to work logically? Why couldn't infinity be completely knowable, even though it makes no sense and is impossible, since infinity/reality is the impossible made possible?

@RickyFitts Lol, yeah Rumi is amazing. I absolutely love his quotes. He's a huge inspiration

Happy Birthday Leo!!

A few months ago I had this awakening where I discovered this deeper part of myself within me. It was really clear that it was me because of how it felt, but it wasn't my ego or me as Tristan. When I saw this part of myself, it was like I as Tristan was looking at it and it was communicating with me in a way. I could also see that no other person really existed, and all of reality is just my own direct experience, and this life I had as a human and everything within it is just something I imagined. This part of me showed me that everything that I have been through in my life had led me to this point of awakening and realizing all of this, and it will continue to lead me deeper. It also showed me that all of the suffering I have been through in my life (as I have been through a ton) was never personal, it was never about me, it all happened just for the sake of leading me to awakening. Then this part of me showed me that it loved me, very much. It was really beautiful. Last night, I was listening to some really beautiful loving music, and getting into a really deep state of love, and I noticed that whenever the love gets really strong, I often get so consumed by it that its like I lose my sense of self, and all that exists is love. I become love, and Tristan is gone. Then, all the sudden, I realized that when I feel this love, it's not Tristan that's doing the loving. It's something much deeper within me that is so in love. As soon as I realized that, the love got SO intense, I dropped to the floor and just started crying so hard. It was like I realized in that moment that I'm not Tristan, I am this deeper thing within me that this love is coming from. This is the second time I have discovered this deeper part of me, but this time I was actually it, and I wasn't just looking at it from the outside. The thing is, I have no idea what this part of me is. It feels like my higher self or my soul or something, because it really feels like me, but something much deeper within me, but I don't know what it means to say its my higher self. I'd wondered if it could have been God realization but I feel like it would be really obvious if it was and I wouldn't be asking this. Does anyone have any idea what this part of me is?

"Every tree is beautiful when touched by sunlight; every soul becomes gold when touched by the Beloved" - Rumi

""Who are you?" I asked love one evening. He said "I am immortality, a beautiful life which has no end."" - Rumi

"You are unaware the Beloved lives in the core of your heart" - Rumi

Okay. I've just been focused on this single part where the love is coming from because that's all I've seen, and I'm wondering what the hell it is. But what you're saying makes sense and I get that I just need to go deeper and see all of it. Thanks for your help

@Leo Gura Oh okay, that makes sense because this part of me I saw was just a part, it wasn't everything, and if God is Infinity then it makes sense it wouldn't just be that one part. But then we go back to the original question of what is this part of myself i'm seeing? Is it just God/Love in a limited form but eventually I will realize that its actually everything? That's why I bring up the times that you've seen God as separate from you, is that anything similar to this?

Wow, okay. Yeah clearly I do have to go deeper. When I realized I was this deeper part of myself and not Tristan, Tristan still felt real and like something I could go back into. I guess I would get to the point where I realize Tristan is completely imaginary and that I am this deeper part completely, and nothing else. But for now, as I see this part of myself as just a part, does it sound like this part is God? Of course I need to go deeper and gain more clarity around it to see for myself, but i'm curious what you think. Because I remember hearing you talk about times where you've accessed God as something separate from you, such as in your video where you did 5MeO for 30 days straight, and you talked about doing love-pong with God (bucket list item btw?), and then of course other times you've seen God as yourself and the duality collapsed. I'm curious if you think I could be looking at God when I see this part of myself, but maybe i'm just not seeing it clearly enough yet to fully realize it?

If that's what you realized then why come post it on a forum like there are actually people out there who are gonna read this and then give you an answer? This, ironically, is making me think that I am the only one who's having an experience and you're a projection of my mind leaving me breadcrumbs so I can realize it. But then again, I'm not sure. Even if other people aren't real, they can still provide me with some helpful answers to my questions. Also, I only became conscious of that part during the first experience (months ago) but not the one last night, so I wasn't thinking about the fact that other people aren't real when I asked this. This part too, but, it doesn't make sense to me. Why not just wake you up in a more gentle and blissful way? To be honest some of these insights people seem to get from psychs give me a "parent that has repeatedly fucked up trying to excuse themselves instead of owning their mistakes" vibe. I remember hearing Leo talk about this in one of his videos, he said that waking up often feels like every moment in your life has led to creating this moment of awakening. Its really clear to me that all the suffering I have been through was completely necessary. It has completely changed me as a person. Only now will I REALLY appreciate Love/God/Truth etc., which wouldn't have happened if I was lead to awakening in a more blissful or gentle way. I would still have so many shallow survival desires left. The whole reason i'm able to access levels of love this deep without psychedelics or that much spiritual practice is because my heart is just so responsive and sensitive to love that it just goes crazy any time I start to feel deep love. I'm very confident that everything i've been through was necessary. Also going through deep suffering to then lead to awakening is a well known phenomenon for a lot of people, so it doesn't surprise me at all that this is just my path to awakening.

I suspected that might be what it is, because what I experienced last night felt quite similar to some explanations I've heard of God realization. This part of me was just oozing love, it's like if you put your hand over a hot stove and felt the heat coming off of it, I could feel the love radiating off of this part of me. I couldn't look at it without crying. When I embodied it and realized that this is me, and its not separate from me, I couldn't get over this love that I could see that I was. That's when I hit the floor and started crying really hard. But then again, i'm still not fully sure if it was God realization or not, and I get the sense that if it really was, it would be really obvious and I would know, and I wouldn't be questioning it. So maybe it was just a partial realization or the beginning stages of it or something.

No I was sober. That's interesting though

@RickyFitts

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them." - 1 John 4:16