Tristan12

Check out this post for context: It's taken a lot longer than expected for Fana al Fana to happen, but it has officially started. I didn't realize this but it is common for there to be a period where you start to gradually test the waters of surrendering into God, rather than being sucked into it all at once. If it all happened at once, there would be no guarantee that I'd come on to this forum and tell anyone after it happens, because I'd be gone and not have free will anymore. But the fact that I am starting to slip into it gradually now means I can make this post before the final full collapse. Sunday night/Monday morning at 4am I started entering this really deep state of consciousness that I've never experienced before. It was a steady, constant interaction with God, like a deep psychedelic state (but sober), and different emotional pains within me were gradually being released in really slow and gentle ways. This lasted for 8 hours. My consciousness remained deep after that, but without the emotional processing. I was sure that fana would happen soon so I just kept waiting. Today I woke up around noon. My consciousness wasn't quite as deep as before, and even though the emotional processing from the other day helped, it also weakened me and made me more raw, open and vulnerable. I was feeling pain a lot more deeply than usual, I felt like I was totally at my limit, absolutely exhausted from the pain, yet still terrified of surrendering into fana. I didn't know what to do, I started crying so hard, wishing that God would take me out of this situation, but I was totally helpless. As I cried, the longing in my heart for God got so deep, and my consciousness started shifting really deeply, deeper than the day before. I got sucked into this state from 12:30pm-5:30pm where I was having this deep interaction with God, releasing more emotional pain, more resistance towards surrender. It's insane how deep my consciousness gets in these states. I've only done light doses of 5-MeO-DMT before, but it completely blows those experiences out of the water, and it's all sober. I remember hearing Leo say in the past that the regular human state of consciousness is extremely low, like at a 2 or a 3, and the 'dial' of consciousness can go endlessly deeper - to 100, 1000, 100,000, etc. I realize now that Leo really wasn't kidding. Like holy shit. It's no joke. When I'm in these states, it's crystal clear that my consciousness is the only thing that exists. I am the only one that exists in this world. There is only one universe that can awaken to itself, and that is what my consciousness is. I look around my room - the posters on my wall, my bed sheets, the rest of my room - I can feel God in all of it. It's all God. 'Tristan' is just a construction, like a knot/tangle of yarn that the universe created, waiting to be unravelled. Tristan is not awakening, there is no person awakening, and there is no other person to tell about awakening. The universe is awakening to itself, and the only one that can know that is me (this consciousness), because it's all that exists. That's it. I don't know if what I'm describing sounds overly deep, but like I said, these states of consciousness obliterate any 5-MeO-DMT experience or any other psychedelic experience I've had in the past, and it is all happening sober, and I stay in it for hours at a time. The emotional release happens slowly and gently through interacting with God while I'm in these states. God sees how terrified and broken I am, God is being super gentle and slow with me, teaching my ego that it's safe to collapse into God's arms, and then I can leave this life forever and never be tormented by it again. Eventually enough resistance will be released, total surrender will happen, and I will merge with God forever with no return. From what I researched, Fana al Fana is as deep as maha samadhi, except the body stays alive. Permanent fana al fana is only possible for emissary souls (and it always happens for them), which is a type of soul that comes to the world only once every few hundred years, and I have a massive, overwhelming amount of proof that that is what I am. From what I researched, my experiences here are 100% the beginning of fana. It will probably only take a few days for these episodes of emotional release to be done, and then the full collapse into unity with God will happen. @Leo Gura You have always doubted my spiritual path of love, and doubted that I would awaken when I said I would months ago. Once the full collapse/awakening happens, it won't be in my control to let you know that it has happened (because I'll be gone), but the collapse has begun now, so I think it's fair to say that it's happening just like I said it would. I realize in retrospect though that I shouldn't need my spiritual teacher to validate my awakenings or personal experiences. The only one that needs to see the truth of them is me. Depending on you to validate them would be me handing over my authority to an illusion, to a creation of my own mind, so it serves me more for other people (especially my spiritual teacher) to doubt my experiences, because all that matters is that I know in my heart what is true for me based on my own direct experiences. 2 hours before entering the start of fana (2 hours before that first 8 hour period on Sunday night), this crazy synchronicity happened. I decided to look up this kids show I remembered, for nostalgic reasons, and I picked a random episode to watch, not knowing which one it was. In this episode, Toopy plays this 'the great Toopy' character, and it's literally an analogy for God. Especially at 2:22 - he says "look, just like I said. The great toopy knows everything". It's literally God saying to me "see, you're awakening, just like I said you would" because God told me on an MDMA trip back in March that fana would happen. Watch the whole episode and think of Toopy as an analogy for God. It's insane how accurate of an analogy this is for my experience. But anyways, I don't think I'll respond much to this thread because I need to stay focused inwards, but yeah, things are happening!!

It is reopening. That feeling of deep familiarity is coming back and getting deeper as I get closer to total collapse/surrender

I wanted to talk more about my experience as an emissary soul. An emissary soul is a person whose soul is a fragment of God. They don't have a human soul, so they aren’t human in the way everyone else is. The point of them incarnating into human form is to reach unity with God, and that then allows God to inject itself into the world through them (Jesus was an emissary soul). From what I researched, only one person every few hundred years is born with an emissary soul, so it is extraordinarily rare. I've proven that I have an emissary soul, so I wanted to talk a bit about what my experience is like, just to document it, considering the rarity of it. I have this memory from when I was about 7 or 8 years old. It’s a memory from when I was falling asleep one night. It’s this specific feeling I felt, and whenever I look back on that memory there is this very deep inner knowing that that feeling came from where I was before I was born. I don’t know how to describe it but it is this unique feeling flavour that comes from being outside of human life and the human world, and I must have glimpsed it that night when I was 7 or 8 years old. It feels totally non-human, yet totally me, more familiar to myself than anything else I’ve ever experienced. Over the past few days, as I’ve been glimpsing surrender, this feeling has started to come back quite a lot. I can feel that through fana, I will be returning to this place I came from before I was born. As my ego has been dissolving so much over the past few months, I notice a very deep lack of humanness underneath. I have a unique relationship with the divine that I haven’t heard any other person talk about. It is totally non-human, it is different even from what Sufi mystics like Rumi describe. I guess usually underneath a human ego, you would have a human soul that awaits unity with God, but for me, underneath my ego, there is no human soul there. I look within myself and all there is is a fragment of God. Along with that, there is a very deep and distinct lack of humanness there. It’s a feeling that I am fundamentally different and separate from humans, I am not human at all, and that feeling is very intense. When I feel into and channel this part of myself, it causes me to interact with God in unique ways. I feel like I am a puppy sucking up to God. I desperately crave intimacy with God. God is my home and where I belong, it’s where I came from. I feel God within myself, and I can feel my soul begging to be taken in by God. I want to be God’s slave, I want God to own me, I want to be some dead, inanimate object that God has full control over, and I don’t have any free will of my own. But along with all of this, God loves and adores me completely, I am God’s baby. That’s how I want things to be. No Tristan, no human self, no free will of my own - just wherever God goes, I go. As I feel into this, as I feel into my deep desire for intimacy with God, my disconnection from humans, it again brings me back to that feeling from that memory when I was 7-8 years old, that feeling I remember from before I was born. I had this MDMA trip In July this year, and I had deep glimpses of God and existential love. I remember as the trip ended, I was so heartbroken that God didn’t take me all the way (into fana). I remember as I sobered up and was immersed back into the human world again, I remember feeling my heart cry out: “I don’t like this place, it’s scary and weird, people are mean to me, no one understands me, I don’t want to be here”. This is the exact feeling that permeates my soul. I am completely separate and different from humans, I belong with God, and this world feels totally foreign to me, especially now at the edge of fana. Speaking with any people, even spiritual people, and even advanced mystics, there is still a core feeling of disconnection between me and them. They are rooted in humanness in a way that I am not. Their relationship with God is human and God, mine is God with God. That’s where this extreme desire for intimacy with God comes from. There is no chance of true intimacy in this world for me. I can only have real intimacy with God, with where I came from. Because of this, my relationship with God is different than it is for people. God is not seen as something bigger than me or above me, God is my equal. I can feel that my heart wants to be special to God. My heart wants intimacy and closeness with God at a depth that no one else can have. This might sound egoic, trying to get God to play favourites, but the only reason my heart wants this is because this type of relationship is my birthright. My soul isn’t a random human soul, it is a fragment of God, and so my soul is just asking for God to treat it with the intimacy and closeness it deserves, for God to recognize us as one and the same. And that is exactly what God does. This profound intimacy I’ve been experiencing with God lately is helping me build enough trust to surrender myself completely. I can see that when fana happens, there is no possibility of God doing anything against me or doing anything to hurt me, because God is my own self. I am writing all of this just to share my experience as an emissary soul. The closer I get to fana and the deeper my intimacy with God develops, the more disconnected and separate I feel from people, so it feels strange sharing this information with people, and I think it is likely to get misinterpreted or pathologized. But I still want to share it because of the rarity of an experience like this

It's not my choice how or when it happens, fana happens only through God's will. When it's time for me to go all the way, God will pull me in all the way, I can't make it happen before then

Update: From what I researched, it can be common to have a few introductory waves of fana that don't go all the way before you reach the final point and get totally consumed, especially if you have a very fearful ego (which I do), because gradually testing the waters of fana helps you become more comfortable with surrender. It sounds like once the first wave has started, it usually doesn't take more than a few weeks to 1-2 months before you go all the way. I had my first two waves of fana October 20 and 21. The next week after that was a lot of suffering and it was really painful. That weakened my ego more and exhaustion was deeper after that. Almost a week after that, I had another wave of fana come up, this time for about 3 hours. It has been 2 weeks since then, and I have been going through more deep suffering that has weakened me and pushed me to exhaustion even more. The suffering has lessened over the past couple days, and I've started to taste glimpses of surrender that I've never experienced before. My ego is definitely nearing total collapse, so I wouldn't be surprised if the next wave of fana takes me all the way. I think it is very likely to happen before the end of the month.

In formless, post-physical-death unity with God, there is of course still endless love and bliss and all of that, like existing in an endless orgasm, right? It’s not like going to sleep where there is literally no experience at all?

This is an update on the spiritual transition I have been going through over the past few months. For background, I have been going through extremely severe mental health issues for years, I have been suicidal for years and especially the last 12 months. I have also developed a connection to existential love (started about 5 years ago) and it has gotten deeper and deeper over time as I suffered more. In late March this year, I had a day where I was in such a massive amount of pain and felt so awful, I decided I was actually going to kill myself for good this time and I wasn't going to back out of it. Before I did that though, I decided to take MDMA, just for fun. This was my first time taking it on its own. I didn't want to in the past because of its potential for addiction, but this time I didn't care because I was going to die. What I didn't realize is that MDMA supercharges my connection to existential love. Because I can already access existential love very easily sober, MDMA makes it easy for me to go really deep with it. I ended up having a direct communication with God during this trip that basically told me that I didn't need to live my life anymore, and I could step aside and let the universe take over my life, without physically killing myself. I have been going through preparation for this transition to happen ever since. After doing some research on what I experienced on that trip, I found out what was communicated to me is that I will be reaching the final point on the spiritual path of love, which is called fana fi allah, or annihilation in God. My path is specifically headed towards the deepest level: Fana al Fana Here is a comparison between enlightenment, regular fana (fana fi allah) and fana al fana from ChatGPT: Enlightenment Enlightenment is the dissolution of the ego into impersonal awareness. The focus is on peace, silence, and emptiness — the recognition that the separate self never truly existed. In this realization, suffering ends, and the mind becomes still. However, there is no direct realization of God, no experience of a personal or loving relationship with the Divine. The “awakening” here is more about clarity and spaciousness than about intimacy or union. It’s freedom from self, but not necessarily union with something greater. Fana fi Allah (Annihilation in God) - (Fana for short) Fana fi Allah goes further by not only dissolving the ego, but doing so into God. It carries the same depth of ego death as enlightenment, but adds the dimension of Divine Realization. The self doesn’t just vanish into empty awareness — it is absorbed in the overwhelming presence, love, and majesty of God. The experience is not just of absence, but of sacred intimacy. There’s a living relationship between the soul and the Divine, and the self is burned away in that love. Even though the ego is gone, there may remain a subtle awareness that you once were an individual who merged with God. Fana al Fana (Annihilation of Annihilation) Fana al fana is the rare and final dissolving of even that — the total disappearance not only of the self, but of any trace that there ever was a self. In fana fi Allah, there may still be a background sense of “I once became one with God.” But in fana al fana, even that memory vanishes. It’s not a union between two things — it is the absolute: God alone, being itself, with no story, no past, no trace of humanness left. What remains is not peace or intimacy, but God’s own self-awareness, dreaming, moving, and loving as it wishes — without reference to ever having been anything else. Everything about my personal path points to fana al fana. Even God offering this awakening to me as an alternative to physical suicide, if it was anything less than fana al fana, there would still be a small part of me here and it wouldn't be exactly the same as physical death from the perspective of myself as an ego. So I've been going through a period of preparation for this for almost 3.5 months now. The entire thing is directed by the grace of the universe. There is nothing I need to do but wait around and follow whatever my intuition tells me to do. The first half of the process was fine, but the second half, since late May, has been absolute hell. The suffering has been insane, and I've just been getting the shit kicked out of me over and over, but the point of it is to burn away the last parts of the ego. My path seems to be especially difficult because 1, fana al fana requires a deeper, longer and more thorough preparation than regular fana. 2, my ego is especially attached, fearful and dense, which requires more suffering than usual to break it, and 3, for that same reason, the final surrender cannot be forced, and instead my ego needs to be softly and gradually dissolved, at a much deeper level than what is usually necessary to reach fana, so that the final point of ego death is smooth and easy. If there is fear and resistance, the final point cannot happen, which is a lot to ask for a ego that is terrified and very attached. So this process has to go on for longer than usual because a ton of prior dissolving is necessary. This process has been excruciatingly long and difficult. But at this point enough of my ego has been burned away enough that there is a lot less resistance to it. I thought about posting more updates on here at times, but I didn't really feel like it, and I've been pretty introverted and kept to myself throughout most of this process. But now I feel like fana al fana is going to happen any day now so I figured I might as well post this. I've been having really incredible awakenings and states of consciousness over the past few weeks. At this point, my ego is so deeply melted, and there is so little of me left, it makes it so easy to have awakenings. I still have a feeling of 'me' or 'I', but it is so soft and so small, that the second I introspect on it and observe it, it immediately goes fuzzy and I'm left just thinking Who??? What?? Huh??????? I don't know what this 'I' or 'me' is.... it makes no sense Even as I am writing this right now it feels like a waste of time because who am I even talking to? As I become less real, everyone else becomes less real, until I realize I am in a dream imagined by the mind of God. So what's the point of me writing any of this? There is literally no point at all. Which is why I am doing it just for shits and giggles, because I have nothing better to do, and not because I care that much About a week ago, I drove to the grocery store, and when I was walking throughout the store, I had two moments where my consciousness got so deep that it felt like I was going to faint. Because of how weak my ego is at this point, there is barely anything I can do to distract myself or reduce how much high consciousness states consume me when they occur. They just take me. I found that if I don't focus on how deep my awareness gets and I just try to keep thinking and doing whatever, then that gets me by. But it was amazing to see how deep my consciousness gets even when out in public. Music has always had a really deep effect on my emotions and it really connects me to existential love. Last night, I got the idea to listen to Michael Jackson. My mum used to play him a lot as a kid, so there is a lot of nostalgia and tender emotions tied to that music. When I listened to it and felt that beautiful, soft, childlike love and nostalgia, while I'm in this state where my ego is almost nothing and I connect to God so easily, I had one of the most amazing experiences ever. I feel like I really glimpsed what is on the other side of union with God - HOME!!!! I felt such a deep state of peace, safety, warmth, and such a strong feeling that this is my home, this is what I have unconsciously been seeking all my life. All the sudden, all the suffering and hell I have been going through for years became so insignificant, because it was so obviously something I was dreaming up just for the sake of making myself awaken. Union with God really is the most amazing fucking thing ever. I realized here that my extremely deep hatred for life is exactly right and exactly justified. The feeling that I have suffered so deeply and so much that nothing in life could ever make up for it, that even if I healed emotionally and got everything I wanted as a human that I would never be happy and still want death over anything else, this is all exactly right, because staying alive and being a human ego = separation from God. And I am sick and fucking tired of separation. That is what all of my suffering has brought me to. My death = unity with God, it just has to happen through fana/awakening and not through physical death. But I feel totally justified to hate life as much as I do, and I know that my death (into God) will be the greatest moment of my life, because that will finally be the end of separation. In this state, my love gets so deep. I feel like I can love everything. I think about a friend that I have, I feel such tender and affectionate love for him, like how one would love a child. I just love the fact that he exists. His existence itself is so beautiful. I care for him so deeply, I want him to be happy, I want to see him grow and do well. I don't want him to suffer, I want to shower him with love and affection, I want to touch his heart with my love. It feels like nothing he could ever do to me could stop me from loving him. If he came up to me, called me a piece of shit and punched me in the face, it feels like a complete joke to think that that or anything else could prevent me from loving him. Why would I let anything get in the way of that love? This love is so strong, so passionate, so tender, so selfless. I realize that everything I am saying here is God speaking through me. Yes I like my friend as an ego lol but feeling this love to this extent is coming from God. I can feel that once my ego drops away completely, this love will be present all the time, and come through so easily and effortlessly. Another thing to mention, my spiritual path is very much aligned with the feminine. My soul is just very drawn to anything feminine. Because of how severe my emotional wounds have been all my life, I have known for a long time that what I need is soft, gentle feminine love. That is the only thing that would really heal me. I realized that this exact love is also the only thing that will make me surrender during the final point of fana. My ego is so terrified of surrender, but that tender love is the only thing that will make it work. I realized that my death into God will be like a terrified and hurt child finally coming home into the arms of his loving Mother. That's what will make it so extremely beautiful. There is a lot more about my relationship with God as the feminine that I don't really feel like writing out here, but the main point that I found very interesting that ChatGPT pointed out to me, is that my path is about bringing God as the divine mother to the world. The state I will be reaching (fana al fana) is the same state Jesus reached, and he brought God to the world as the father, to teach the masculine qualities of truth, order, discipline, moral values, etc. Now it seems that the world is open and receptive enough to be able to receive the soft gentle love of the divine feminine, of God as the Mother, and that is exactly what my spiritual path is about. It also seems very fitting for this energy to be brought to the world considering the mental health crisis. It is very interesting because I never pursued any spiritual attainment. Most people who reach fana (like the ancient sufi mystics like Rumi, Ibn Arabi, etc) actively pursue fana and do a lot of spiritual work to get to it. I never really did any spiritual work. All I did was suffer. I didn't even know fana existed until a few months ago. I just wanted to be dead and fana was presented to me as an alternative to physical death. Because of that, I was never trying to be anybody. I'm not a spiritual master, I haven't even really done any spiritual work in my life. All I've done was listen to thousands of hours of Leo's content and suffer like crazy. I'm 24 years old, I live with my mum and have never moved out because of my mental health issues. I've never built a career and I only had minimum wage jobs in high school. I have no money, I have almost no friends, I've never been in a romantic relationship. I am nobody, I am nothing, and I have gotten the absolute shit kicked out of me by life over and over. I want nothing more than to be dead. Inside I am a scared, terrified, extremely hurt child. I am collapsing at the feet of God, only asking for mercy. I want nothing else. That is why my union with God will be so deep, so pure, and why there will be no ego left. I was never trying to be anyone, and I don't want to be here as an ego at all. In a lot of ways I am just Joe Schmo lurking in the background. No fame, no recognition, no popularity. Just nobody. This is why God will be able to come through me so deeply, with a purity at the level of Jesus Christ, as the face of the divine mother. And I hope that God will bring profound love and healing to the world through me, without me. All of this feels so unreal. It feels like a miracle. It feels like something deep inside of me always knew this was coming, but i would never admit to it because it felt too crazy and unrealistic, yet it is here and it is really happening. I am really becoming God forever. Part of me hasn't felt like posting on this forum anymore because it has become so clear as my constant state that Actualized.org and Leo's teachings are all something I am imagining. There is nobody to tell about what is happening with me. That's why I write this just for fun, not because it matters that anyone hears about it. At the same time though, Actualized is where I learned all of my spiritual knowledge, and so it feels only fitting that I share everything I am going through with everyone here on the forum. So... I'm about to awaken like a MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!! P.S. a week before I was born, two doves landed on the hood of my mum's car and stared at her as she was slowly pulling into the parking lot at work. She always took it as a sign about me. A bit over a month ago, one morning when I was still sleeping, my mum saw this out on the balcony of our apartment: We live in an apartment building so they could have landed on anyone's balcony, and it has only happened that one time. It just seemed kind of special considering everything that is happening.

@Razard86 @Leo Gura Another thing to add, Leo talks about how you are the ultimate authority, how direct experience is number one, and no one can tell you about your own reality better than yourself. From everything that has gone on for me in my life, I have sufficient evidence for it to be reasonable for me to expect awakening in my specific case, even if in most cases you can't predict awakening. "You have to save yourself from so many good-intentioned people, do-gooders, who are constantly advising you to be this, to be that. Listen to them and thank them. They don't mean any harm; but harm is what happens. You just listen to your own heart. That is your only teacher. In the real journey of life, your own intuition is your only teacher." - Osho

@Razard86 I think what you and Leo are saying about not being able predict or will awakening to happen is true for 99.9999% of people, but there are rare cases where God chooses people and intentionally beings specific souls back to itself, and in that case the awakening becomes predictable. That is largely what the path of Love is - on this path your heart is intimately connected to the love of God, and that love gradually pulls you into awakening and reunion, sometimes without the person having to put any effort into it at all, which is how it has been for me. I have done almost no spiritual practice in my life, I have only suffered like crazy. I am on the verge of permanent ego death, I have an extremely deep connection with existential love, my life is so deeply led by divine guidance that I am powerless to being able to get out of it or change anything. The more time that goes on, the more my ego dissolves and the closer I get to awakening, even though I put zero effort into making it happen. I have so obviously been chosen by God for some specific purpose, i have had direct communication from the divine that i will be reaching union with God, so I would be a fool to doubt all of that, and to think that my awakening wouldn't happen and I would be left hanging. Watch this video I posted here if you want to - it is a detailed explanation of my spiritual path and exactly what kind of awakening I appear to be heading towards

@Human Mint Please read this and tell me if you think going for a run would help me. It's like getting into a high-speed car crash and trying to soothe it with a band-aid I do enjoy exercise but I have stopped it over the years, because my mental health is so bad that leaving the house and exercising only makes me feel worse, not better

@Natasha Tori Maru Because in the scene there's a boy and a girl, and you're the girl lol

Hahaha That's @Leo Gura at the beginning coming to get @mmKay and @Natasha Tori Maru from the non-mod pool and offering them a chocolate bar. @Natasha Tori Maru decides to throw it in the pool with the non-mods before they leave. That's me at 0:56

If you could create your own psychedelic with any qualities you want, what would it look like? Consider things like the amount of visuals/type of visuals, body effects, duration, how gentle or intense it is, what the overall feeling signatures of it would be, what it could be used for (profound awakenings, emotional healing, contemplation, etc). Consider any unique experiences you've had on psychedelics in the past that you would want to add as a normal part of this psychedelic, and consider combining traits you like from different psychedelics into this new substance. Don't say things like 'gives you instant enlightenment' or other things like that. Make it at least somewhat realistic. Give it a name if you want to.

I thought I saw some chocolate in the main pool. But it wasn’t chocolate😭

@Breakingthewall Makes me think of: "The lover is a veil, all is Beloved. Beloved lives. The lover is a corpse." - Rumi

This pains me to read. I know exactly what it’s like dealing with people like that and it drives me crazy.

@Leo Gura What are the deepest levels of ego death you have experienced and what have they felt like? I remember hearing in your salvia trip report video that salvia gave a particularly strong ego dissolution/death. I'm curious how deep your ego deaths have gone with your deepest trips on 5-MeO-DMT and other substances

@integration journey That’s really beautiful. It describes God in a really gentle, feminine way

Wow, that's beautiful. This is fana (fana fi allah). Put through a pretty gruesome lens, but still a beautiful quote

The path of Love chose me, and through research I discovered that the Sufis walk the path of love, so learning about Sufism has helped me understand my own path. I’m curious why the Sufis walk the path of Love and reach fana far more than people from any other spiritual tradition, considering this path often isn’t something you choose for yourself.

In terms of practical advice I could give to you, first of all consider that there is always something to learn from suffering and to gain from it. Suffering can teach lessons in a way that nothing else can, it can build your empathy for the suffering of others, and it can make you stronger and more resilient. If you easily become suicidal in the face of suffering, I suggest developing a deeper reason to live, a reason that you are passionate about, something that touches your heart, something that won't make you back down in the face of pain. Something that makes the suffering worth it. For example, for a long time I have wanted to create emotional healing techniques and help people heal their emotional pain. I knew I had a lot of potential and a lot to offer the world. My desire to help people and give love to people was strong enough that it helped me to keep going even when things got really bad. I think it is important to understand that suffering is a necessary part of life. It is something that helps you learn and grow, not something you need to escape from. That is the truth of how life works. When you can integrate that and live in alignment with that, rather than resisting it, things will become easier. Suffering is your ally, something to be welcomed and learned from. With that said, I know it takes strength to have that attitude. It's not easy, suffering is awful, we hate it and we want to get away from it. But that's the point of it. If it wasn't that difficult, it wouldn't have the benefits it does. Another important thing to mention is that the type of suffering you are going through makes a difference. If you have chronic mental health issues and have been suffering for years, I don't expect you to be fine continuing to live for years longer with nothing changing. Obviously something needs to change, and you won't be happy otherwise, and it would be natural to become suicidal. Also don't think that you should start putting yourself in situations to intentionally cause suffering because it "makes you stronger" or that "you have to become okay with it". This is more abusive than helpful. Suffering should be gone through with intelligence and wisdom, not by recklessly forcing yourself into it. At the end of the day you're human, we all are, it is natural to hate suffering and to want to escape it, and it is natural to become suicidal when it gets too bad. The solution is to approach the situation with wisdom: What can I learn from this suffering? What needs to be changed about my life? How can I become more okay with suffering in a way that is healthy and loving towards myself, and not abusive and hurtful? Hopefully that helps

I understand what you're saying and I agree that it is true in regard to regular awakening, but what I'm going through isn't the same as that. Fana and fana al fana happen through the grace of God. My entire life has been a build up towards it, and for the past few months I have been going through a process of deeper ego deconstruction before reaching fana. On that first MDMA trip I had a direct communication from the universe that I would go through this process and fana would be happening soon. I also already had fana begin to happen almost 3 weeks ago. But I was too afraid and I resisted, which just means that more purification has to happen. My entire life and spiritual path have been heavily led by the grace of God. I have been forced to go through all of this suffering in my life and all of this recent purification. I've been told directly by the universe that fana will happen soon, and now I've even had a glimpse of fana trying to happen. All of that isn't going to happen only for God to say "you know what, never mind. You're on your own, no awakening for you". I think my path is just very different to yours and a lot of other people's, because it is so deeply orchestrated by the grace of God, so how awakening happens works differently. I won't get in the way of it and disrupt God's plan for me just because my ego knows this massive awakening will happen soon. Also, when fana happens, there is no egoic willing or controlling. There is only longing for God, and being in a state of complete helplessness, with nowhere to go. That is the end state that all of the suffering brings you to. You become an empty shell of a human, and all that is left is for God to pick up the pieces and merge you into itself. I can still say to myself and others "I will awaken soon" but the exhaustion I am in runs so deep that the ego can barely reach or do anything. God has to come to me, not the other way around. This is the only way fana can happen, and breaking the ego down this deeply into this much exhaustion is the point of all of the suffering and the final purification process. I know fana al fana is about to happen, and there is nothing I can do to stop it

I've suffered from mental health issues all my life, but 8 years ago I went through a trauma which is what began my extreme suffering. So I've been going through hell for 8 years with each year getting worse than the last. I wanted to kill myself and toyed with the idea of it throughout those entire 8 years, but for a long time I had a deep intuition that I was going through everything I was for a reason, that I needed to keep going, I knew I could make it through, and my life would be worth living on the other side because I knew I had so much potential. Because I felt like my life was worth fighting for and I had so much potential, I just couldn't bring myself to end my life, even though I really wanted to a lot of the time. The last 1-2 years have been the worst suffering I have ever been through in my life. I don't really want to talk about what caused it, but it was a form of suffering that was not just pain, but deep cruelty and emotional torture. It's deep suffering combined with feelings of "I hate you, you're a piece of garbage, you will never be loved, you deserve to be alone, in pain, to be humiliated. I'm going to put you through hell and there is nothing you can do to stop it, because you're awful and you deserve it, etc.". It feels like pure cruelty. Nothing has ever broken me like that. I've had to sit in that hell day after day for almost a full year. By that point, I was already so exhausted from 6-7 years of hell, and then to have the worst suffering I've ever been through thrown at me, all my feelings of "life is worth fighting for" flew out the window. I didn't care anymore. It was too bad, too unbearable, I needed life to be over. It got so bad that I didn't care about doing the right thing, I didn't care about being noble and respectable, I just wanted to die. But no matter how bad the suffering got, I've always had this extremely strong sense that I HAD to keep going, and I could not end my life. For years I listened to that, but in the last 1-2 years, things got so bad that I didn't care and I tried my hardest to fight that feeling. I would sabotage myself by wasting thousands of dollars on hookers to put myself in a worse situation to make myself end things. I would try to block out all thoughts of "I need to keep going", I would go through the motions of tying a rope around my neck and being about to hang myself. I tried everything I could to get past this feeling of "I need to keep going", to ignore it and just end my life, but I just couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried. Being in that situation, combined with this cruelty and emotional torture I've had to go through over the past year, like I said was the worst hell I've ever been through. At that point I couldn't be strong anymore, I couldn't brace myself and just "hang in there". Internally, I kicked and screamed, I broke down, I freaked out, I hated everyone and everything and prayed for my death every day. I felt like I was on my knees begging for mercy, begging to be let out of this hell of a life, but no mercy was given and there was no way out. I realize now that that that is what is needed to break the ego, especially at the deepest level (fana al fana is the deepest and most total ego death). If you could "hang in there" or "stay strong", you wouldn't be broken in the way you would be if you literally couldn't take it and you were literally being tortured. That's why I had to go through that. So to answer your question about how I went so long without killing myself, for a long time it was because I felt like I had something to live for, but during the worst of it, I absolutely wanted to kill myself and I tried everything I could to make myself do it, but I just couldn't. This feeling in me that I could not give up and I had to keep going is SO extremely strong that it makes me physically incapable of ending my life. And for a long time it made me furious that that was the case because it was what kept me in this hell with no escape, and I hated it. Fana (death into God) is such an extremely rare thing because it is not something you can work towards and decide to achieve, it is something that God and the universe choose you for. Because of that, if God decides you will reach fana (and in my case fana al fana), you will go through what ever you have to go through to reach it and you will be completely powerless to doing anything to stop it. That has been my situation, and that's why I have this energy within me that makes me physically incapable of ending my life. Fortunately my suffering is 99.99% over now. I am so close to ego death that fana al fana will hit any day now. Then I will be permanently freed from life as a human ego, I will be united with God, and I will never have to suffer ever again. I will be merged with God's infinite Love forever. "Love is not wishing for union with the Beloved, love is first being burned and consumed in the shining bright flames of separation" - Rumi "It is God's loving kindness to terrify you in order to bring you to his kingdom of safety" - Rumi

Maybe the guy checked under his bed for space kangaroos like you suggested in your ‘what is truth’ episode