Tristan12

Here are some more trip reports. So I did a bunch of 2C-B trips at the start of July as I described above. A couple weeks later (July 16) I did MDMA, and at the end of that trip I did DMT and then 5-MeO-MALT. I use DMT regularly but that was my first time doing malt in over a year (at least with it working and giving me a trip). Starting about July 26 I alternated between doing DMT and 5-MeO-MALT each day for about 10 days. The DMT trips were good but nothing special, just usual stuff, 5-MeO-MALT trips were all heavy nausea and vomiting, heavy exhaustion, followed by intense ego dissolution. They were all challenging but they felt effective and productive. 2C-B August 5th The day after my last 5-MeO-MALT trip (August 5) I got more 2C-B. 300mg. I started with 10mg, then another 15, 25, 50 until I hit 100mg. Even though I had no tolerance, sometimes psychedelics will be like this for me where they have little effect until I ramp up the dose. I just follow my intuition and it tells me if it's a good idea to take more. It ended up being about the same intensity as my previous 2C-B trips. In my 120mg trip at the start of July, as I described earlier, there was this pattern where for a couple hours it felt like I couldn't figure out how I felt. Whether I was hot or cold, comfortable or not, if I wanted to eat something, it was like I could locate or understand myself and I was getting dispersed throughout the contents of the trip. In this 2C-B trip here, there was a different but similar pattern. I can't remember that well exactly what it was, but it was something along the lines of space being created between me and everything. Like my thoughts, and whatever else, it felt like distance was getting created and everything was getting spread out. It felt like another form of dissolving the ego but in a different way. This was also the trip where I started thinking about the message I wrote above about the upside to my ego not receiving any recognition or acknowledgement for what I'm going through. 2C-B August 6th The next day I plugged 200mg of 2C-B. It started differently than my other 2C-B trips. Not as intense as you'd expect, more smooth and calm but still strong enough. About an hour into the trip, it started getting very mental. I was laying in bed listening to music and just thinking a lot. I started to get in my own way and kind of hurt and annoy myself by the way I was thinking. I kept becoming aware of how the trip was guiding me to think in certain ways, to have certain insights and feel certain things, and I kept nit picking it and being like "oh I can tell this is happening for a reason and this is leading me to something" and I was trying to get myself to stop picking at that and pointing it out, because it's annoying and I should just let it flow naturally. I also seemed to forget I was even tripping. I think it was partly because I trip so often that I don't really think about it, but also the trip seemed to be purposely creating that effect. I would start to think about negative things or do certain things mentally that I know I shouldn't do when tripping. I had to keep reminding myself to remember that I am tripping and to not just let myself go and do whatever I want. It didn't turn into anything that bad, it was just kind of annoying to deal with. There was also this effect happening where I was contemplating things and having insights, but I noticed that my thinking was very one-dimensional. I was only thinking about my perspective, my worldview, and I would start to notice that there is so much complexity and nuance to reality that I'm not thinking about, but as I started to think about it, it would become so exhausting and overwhelming that I had to just drop it. It was like trying to step outside of my perspective and notice the complexity of the universe would exhaust me so deeply that i would fall back into my own simple, one-dimensional ways of thinking, and yet i would keep noticing that there is SO much more complexity and so much more to think about, but I just couldn't go there. It was like because I was too exhausted to step outside of my own perspectives as I kept noticing that there was so much more complexity in the universe, it was like my my perspectives, beliefs, worldviews and all of that kept shrinking and becoming smaller, and that was creating a sort of ego dissolution. It's interesting because that's the third theme or method of ego dissolution that I've experienced on these 2C-B trips now. Another really cool thing that would happen is intense auditory hallucinations. There would be moments where all the sudden I'd hear a really loud alien or robotic type of voice, but only for a split second. Sometimes it was so loud that it was like a yell, and it was much louder than the music I was playing in my headphones at full volume. At the same time that these auditory hallucinations would happen, I would experience very deep and intense ego dissolution for that split second. It was like that quick loud robotic/alien yell was like a smack or a yank that would pull something out of me and knock my ego. In this trip and the two 2C-B trips before this (the 100mg and 120mg one), As I'd start to come down, about 4 hours in, my consciousness would raise a lot. I would feel hyper lucid, reality felt very clean, clear and pure. That was always accompanied by the same visuals. I do these trips in the middle of the night in my pitch black bedroom. So I could faintly see my surroundings, and everything would take on a dark purple glow. On top of that there would be tons of letters and numbers, in the wikipedia font. It felt very clean, pure and intelligent. Like some kind of high-quality university textbook. these letters were all outlined with an iridescent glow/shine. It was really beautiful on top of the purple background (pictures below of a similar purple glow, the font and iridescent glow). These same visuals have come up at the end of each of my last three 2C-B trips. I have really really started to love purple, magenta and those kinds of colors over the past couple years, and I seem to like them more and more as I progress spiritually. A few months ago I was tripping on mushrooms, and I was thinking about why I love those colors so much, and I was told that it's because these colors are associated with the feminine face of God, with my soul's essence. I have this tiger tapestry in my room I got a couple years ago that has pretty much every color associated with my essence: blue, purple, magenta, pink, especially with a dark background. I think it is so beautiful (the palm tree picture is another one I like a lot with the same colors). My trips are just filled with these colors. So many of the visuals involve them. Smoking DMT on 2C-B About 4.5 hours into the trip, I was coming down and I decided to smoke DMT. I've smoked it on MDMA a couple times, but never on a pure psychedelic like 2C-B, so I was excited to try it. At that point it was almost 7am so there was a bit of light in my room, and I was sat up on my bed inhaling the vape. In front of me are mirrored closet doors, so I could see myself and the room around me. When I took the first full hit, I had my eyes open, and the visuals around the room started to go crazy. I was staring at myself in the mirror, watching the visuals shift and become more clear as the the DMT took effect, and then all the sudden, myself and all my surroundings became completely cartoon-like. Not some mild, hazy overlay where it looks cartoon but you can still see how everything really looks underneath, but COMPLETELY cartoon like, like indistinguishable from a cartoon tv show. It fucking blew me away, I was like how the fuck is that possible? I was listening to this song throughout this, and it became ingrained in the trip so that whenever there would be a heavy base drop or shift in the music, the visuals would shift in that same split second, into different colors, different types of cartoon designs. It was incredible. I just can't believe that DMT can produce open-eye visuals THAT clearly A bit later I took another dose of DMT. This time I listened to this song, something a bit more soft and emotional. I sat up in my bed staring at myself in the mirror again, and similar cartoon visuals came up. They weren't as rich or clear as last time, but still beautiful. This time I moved my head and looked around the room more, and as I did that, the visuals would shift and almost dance with the music. I remember I was looking at my hand holding the DMT pen, and my hand looked like it was made of shiny plastic. All the visuals combined with the music were so beautiful. The trip started becoming more heartfelt and emotional, maybe because of the feel of the song. There was a point very God very clearly and directly communicated to me: "Thank you. Thank you for going through everything you have". I could feel in its energy that it knew how much I fucking hate being alive, how excruciating and tortuous this spiritual path has been, how little tolerance for pain I have, how all I want is to die, yet there is nothing I can do and I still keep getting dragged through this spiritual path. In God's energy I felt a deep understanding and recognition of all of that pain, and a deep and sincere "thank you" for going through everything I have. It really meant a lot to me. It also really makes me feel like things are coming to an end and it's all about to be over. The Feminine Face of God Throughout this 2C-B trip and my trip the day before, there were times where I was thinking a lot about Her, so I'm just going to combine everything I remember into one section. It kind of went along with what I was saying in my other message above about how satisfying and beautiful it is for God and Truth to prevail, for the ego to not be fed, and to feel Truth and Divinity permeating my being, taking me in and dissolving me. I started thinking about God, Truth, Love, Divinity, all these things and how amazing it is that there is a feminine essence to divinity. Like a soft, gentle, motherly love that comes from the Divine - God behaving and acting in gentle, motherly ways. I love divinity and spirituality so much, I love feminine softness and beauty so much, but to have that come from an aspect of God, rather than from a human, so that it becomes something so pure, clean, intelligent, moral, along with being so incredibly gentle and nurturing... it's just the most perfect thing I could ever imagine. It just satisfies me and completes me in ways I can't describe. And I know that it's because that's where my soul comes from. In my trips I would just feel into her essence and bask in it. Her softness and gentleness are what I've needed more than anything my entire life. She very much holds this energy of "I thought reality was nothing but an endless hell that I'd never get out of, but now all the sudden I'm in this bubble where I feel totally loved and cared for, and not a single problem exists". That is what She is. I also really enjoy feeling my masculine presence in front of Her. I love feeling her feminine love towards me, but not in some shallow human way of "it makes me feel good that this girl likes me", but in a way where it is like God and Divinity is loving me and desiring me in this fully feminine way, and I love feeling that divine feminine energy pulling me in because of how deeply it resonates with my own energy. Being a man and having a masculine essence makes the contrast of her feminine energy and desire so especially beautiful and soothing. There was a moment where I started picturing myself from a third person perspective, like a fly on the wall type of thing, and I started thinking about how I came from Her, how she fragmented off a part of Herself, was born into this world as a man, and that is what I am. That is what is looking through my eyes right now. When 'Tristan' dies as a self and merges back with Her, I will realize that I was Her all along. I am so in love with Her, and everything about Her feels so absolutely perfect, soothing and homelike to me, because I am Her and I was Her all along. It reminds me of the Rumi quote: "lovers don't finally meet somewhere, they're in each other all along". How incredible it is to have a love and romance in that way. To spend your entire life desiring the feminine, and then to awaken and realize that you were desiring yourself the whole time, to realize that you fragmented off a part of yourself so that you could eventually come home to yourself and fall endlessly in love with yourself. It made me really realize how loving it is for God to do this for itself. "You have no idea how hard I've looked for a gift to bring You. Nothing seemed right. What's the point of bringing gold to the gold mine, or water to the Ocean. Everything I came up with was like taking spices to the Orient. It's no good giving my heart and my soul because you already have these. So l've brought you a mirror. Look at yourself and remember me." - Rumi

To preface this, for over a year now I have being going through a process led by divine intelligence leading towards permanent ego annihilation and unity with God. You can check out my past threads if you want to know more about it, but throughout this process, psychedelics have affected me much differently than they normally would, and all trips are completely led and controlled by divine intelligence to progress me closer to reaching unity with God. There are a huge variety of different things I have been put through by divine intelligence to dissolve the ego and bring me closer to annihilation in God, but there is one particular assortment of behaviours and patterns that I have noticed occurring on psychedelics that I wanted to point out and document here, because it's interesting, and it's probably a pretty rare thing to document. Lots of different things happen on my trips besides just this, but this particular pattern of behaviours has come up quite often over the past few months. What stands out to me about it is how strange and unusual it is. The other things I've gone through throughout this process (things like deep body aches, varieties of emotional pain, physical pain, deep boredom, etc), there's nothing special about those things. But this particular behaviour is just so strange and unusual, and it's interesting that it is used as a method of dissolving the ego. Ego dissolving behaviour So what starts to happen on psychedelics is a specific assortment of sounds, words, and mental imagery will come up. Very strange and unusual things. Words and phrases will start coming to mind or playing in my head, such as "hmm.... very peculiar.... a very interesting analysis of data... quite an unusual function....". Those words aren't being said at anything, they are just being said on their own. "Quite exquisite indeed... how juicy and plump... how voluptuous... very much indeed...". Along with this, various sounds will play (very faintly), like sounds of cartoonish bouncing, or deep thuds, and other things. Also various mental imagery, such as images of cartoonish Spongebob boots, cartoonish kissy faces, peaches, envelopes, other random and weird things. The sounds and mental imagery are more subtle and in the background, the words that play in my head are really the main focus. The entire experience of it just feels very strange and kind of disturbing. The way it feels is that it's like the intelligence of the psychedelic (and God/divine intelligence) is pushing around my ego and having its way with the ego, through this assortment of psychedelic patterns and behaviours. The weirdness of it seems to push around, weaken and dominate my ego. It's like my ego is getting sucked into a blender, not in a painful way, but because the weirdness of it is weakening me, unravelling me, pulling me apart. It has come up quite a lot. Mostly on mescaline, mushrooms, very much so on 2C-B, and mildly on 5-MeO-MALT. What's interesting about it is that even though it doesn't feel overly deep or significant when I'm experiencing it, when I come out of the trip and then think about it, something about it feels very deep and profound. I can feel just in the energy of it that some kind of really deep and significant ego-dissolving work is being done here.

@Human Mint Thank you

I did another 2C-B trip last night, a huge dose. More interesting forms of ego dissolving happened and it was a pretty good trip overall. There is one thing I wanted to write out and take note of though. I started thinking about how I've written so much about my path and everything that's happening with me heading towards unity with God on this forum, and despite how rare, incredible and special it all is, out of everything I've written in all my threads, I've received very little responses or acknowledgement about everything that's going on. For the most part it seems that people don't care that much and I'm pretty much just as alone in all of this as I was before. I realized that this unity and ego annihilation is going to happen without me ever experiencing any significant recognition or praise for it while I am alive as a human self. Despite how incredible and rare it is, people don't care that much, and I am just as much of a lonely nobody as I was before. I'm not saying this to demean myself or make myself feel bad - my point is that I started thinking about all of this when I was tripping and I realized how absolutely delicious and perfect it all is. How unbelievably satisfying it is. When I see myself talking about being an emissary soul and all of this stuff about me reaching unity with the divine, and nobody really says anything or seems to care, and I’m just left alone by myself until I eventually die to Truth (the ego annihilation and unification with God happens) and my life ends with me never having experienced any kind of significant recognition or praise for all of this while I was alive as a human with an ego, there is something so absolutely delicious and orgasmic about that. Something so incredibly good and satisfying, it makes me want to just sink my teeth into it, suck the juices out of it, have it all dripping down my face as I sit there obediently at the foot of God. It’s like watching myself be ignored and get no recognition or praise as a human, until I die to Truth, that just feeds my own orgasm. How delicious and orgasmic it is for the ego to be made to surrender to Truth like that. To die to Truth without ever being allowed to use it to get its egoic needs satisfied . For Truth, Love, God to so elegantly and rightfully prevail. That is the fucking orgasm. Along with this, looking at my life as a whole has the same effect. Looking at how I was born into this world and my life immediately went straight towards kicking the absolute shit out of me, until I die and reach unity with God at 25 years old. How deeply, intensely and quickly God came through me, how no time was wasted on anything else. No post-secondary school, no career, no relationships, just straight to this - the only thing that really matters - before anything else. It's like my entire 25 year life was a process of being born and then immediately submitting to God, without even a minute spent doing anything else. Again, how absolutely delicious, beautiful and satisfying that is. It became so unbelievably satisfying to think about all of this while I was on that trip. To immerse myself in Truth, Love, God, righteousness, justice, fairness, wisdom, understanding, beauty, and for my ego to be forced to submit and surrender to these things. It was absolutely incredible. It was like the more I felt into these things and rejoiced in them, the more my sense of self would dissolve, and the closer I would get to the orgasm of my own death and unity with God. I realize it kind of defeats the purpose for me to announce all of this on this forum, but I feel like this is more of a message to myself, and it feels fitting to place this message here alongside everything everything else I've said in my other threads in the past. It feels like a sort of completion and acknowledgement that things happened exactly the way they should have with nobody really giving a shit.

@Hojo what substance? 2C-B?

2C-B Trips At the start of July 2026, I did a bunch of 2C-B trips. The first day I plugged 8mg in the morning, then at night I plugged 30mg. The next night I plugged 60mg, the night after that I plugged 120mg. Here is a brief trip report of the final 120mg trip. The 30mg I took spread out over 2 or 3 doses within an hour, but the 60mg and 120mg trips I took in single doses, and they came on very strong. The first hour of both trips were very intense. Within 5 minutes I had to lay down, I had intense visuals and body sensations. It's amazing how high doses of 2C-B can feel a lot like DMT. On the 120mg dose, I had auditory hallucinations that I'd never experienced before. I heard a voice loud and clear that sounded almost identical to the voice in this video at 2:40. It said "astra la linaaaa" and as it said that, I had visuals of a line of light coiling into a spiral, it would move faster and faster and my body would shake as it did that. I was absolutely amazed by all of this, I thought it was so cool and I became infatuated with the alien voice and wish it stuck around longer. The visuals stayed intense for a while, like a DMT trip. By around 30-60 minutes in, the thing I described earlier started happening, the weird psychedelic sounds, words and mental imagery. After that went on for a while, I noticed that my perception of reality started to blur. I couldn't tell whether I was comfortable or not, I couldn't tell if I was hot or cold, I couldn't tell if I was enjoying the trip or not. My thought patterns became confusing and unclear. I couldn't locate myself, I couldn't distinguish what 'I' was or where I was. It was like my whole identity was getting dispersed and lost within the contents of the trip. This went on for a while, around 2-3 hours. As I started to come down from the trip, around 4 hours in, my consciousness started to skyrocket. All the sudden reality became super clear, I felt hyper-lucid, hyper-awake, and like my entire lived experience before then had been a thick, hazy dream, and existence now felt more real than ever. My consciousness felt very in touch with divinity. It felt incredibly clean and pure, to the point of feeling almost royal and pristine. It was like I was touching pure divinity, really getting close to God consciousness. 5-MeO-MALT Trips About 2 weeks ago I had the intuition to use 5-MeO-MALT. This was the first time that I'd used it since the start of 2025, as both 5-MeO-DMT and 5-MeO-MALT had no effect on me after this process towards annihilation in God began. I tried them a few times here and there, but they never did anything, so I just stayed away from them. It was only DMT that I used quite regularly. But I suddenly got the intuition to use 5-MeO-MALT, and this time it worked. It didn't feel anything like a regular 5-MeO-MALT trip though (even though I've only done it 2-3 times at low doses). In the trip, my consciousness would raise, I would get quite strong ego dissolution, and then I would get very nauseous and start vomiting. I've dealt with intense nausea over the past few months on mescaline and mushrooms - a lot of fear is stored in the stomach so I've had a lot of experiences of nausea and vomiting that seem to release fear and dissolve the ego further, so I'm sure that's what's happening here on 5-MeO-MALT. But this time, what made it different from mescaline and mushrooms, is my consciousness would raise a lot more, and then the nausea combined with physical exhaustion and heaviness would weaken me and start to make me surrender more into the deeper state of consciousness. Over the past week I've been going back and forth between DMT and 5-MeO-MALT trips each day (because my intuition tells me to). Every 5-MeO-MALT trip is pretty much the same. I plug 15-20mg, and within 5 minutes the nausea starts. It gets pretty strong and uncomfortable, I usually end up vomiting, and then by 20-25 minutes in its pretty much gone. My consciousness stays deep for 10-20 minutes after that, and then the trip is pretty much over.

"Why wander the forests and mountains in search of Him? The Divine has already made His home in thy shattered heart" - Sultan Bahu

On top of all of that, onlyfans. The fact that beautiful women who have zero skills, intelligence, character, work ethic, etc. can just sell pictures of their body online and rake in millions of dollars per year, with very little effort. Men don't have that opportunity.

I had this really cool DMT trip a few days ago that I wanted to share. I've only ever done low doses of DMT, and I'm not overly experienced with it, so an experience like this was totally new to me. This trip was probably low-medium dose. It was more intense than I've ever experienced before, but not too much for me to handle. So I took the hits, and the first thing I noticed is that it felt very different than anything I've ever experienced on DMT before. It had a very bizarre, weird feeling to it, and the visuals were also unusual (but mild). I've experienced some very unusual and weird states of consciousness with MDMA and ketamine together. This was very bizarre in a similar way, but it felt much more massive and intimidating. It was partly really cool, but also a bit terrifying. When I thought about doing DMT again, I really wanted to listen to this new music artist I found a few months ago, especially one specific song. I started playing this song in the trip, and it was like DMT knew exactly what I wanted, because the entire trip morphed around the song, like it was trying to make the song sound as good as possible. The way the music sounded playing in my headphones was totally different than normal. It sounded like the music was playing in a MASSIVE concert hall. Not just ‘kind of like a concert’, but literally indistinguishable from it. It blows my mind that a psychedelic can do that. I didn’t have many visuals at the time, but my room also looked quite a lot bigger than normal, I guess to match the feeling of it playing in a huge space. The song sounded fucking incredible. It felt like it was playing in the biggest, most incredible concert all ever. Like the concert of all concerts. On top of that, it felt way better than a human concert ever could because it was filled with such deep existential awe and wonder. Like a celebration of God. It was so weird because the song didn’t just sound ‘really good’ or ‘better than normal’, it was like it took on a whole different quality. It was like this: imagine eating the most delicious, flavourful fruit ever. You are just totally in love with it. Then on top of that, the fruit itself LOVES that you love it. The more you enjoy it, the more it enjoys you enjoying it. You are eating the fruit, and it is like the fruit is devouring and consuming you back. That's what it was like listening to this song. It’s not just enjoying the song, it’s like merging with it and making love to it. It was a whole different experience than the song just sounding really good. It was incredible. This was the song:

I currently take low doses roughly 3 times a week, and I've been doing that for a few months. As mentioned in my previous thread, I've been having moments at the end of 5meo trips where I start to get really crazy and hyper, specifically trips that have a lot of love. It usually lasts for 2-3 hours. The love triggers something in me, makes me crazy and puts me in an altered state of consciousness. These moments have been happening more frequently lately, even without tripping. Sometimes they happen randomly throughout the day, often times they are triggered by listening to loving and emotional music. I first thought that this could be related to awakening and to my development towards existential love, especially considering that most of the time this is triggered by love. But it's happening more often, even without love, randomly throughout the day. My head feels spacey, I feel zoned out, music feels hypnotizing, almost like it's putting me in a trans. I feel love more deeply than usual. It's deeper, more beautiful, more consuming than usual. I groan and mumble and shake similar to how I do on psychedelics, even though I'm fully sober. I don't know if this is something related to awakening, or if it's from me taking psychedelics too often. I'm asking about this here to see what people think. If this does end up being from over-consumption of psychedelics and not from any kind of awakening, is it bad to stay in this state? I really need to stay focused on my healing work and be tripping regularly to make progress with it. I can't afford to wait around for weeks or months, doing nothing and waiting to trip. I don't have a problem being in this state, it's not uncomfortable and it doesn't affect my ability to work or live my life normally. If anything, it's enjoyable. I just don't know if there are any risks to my health to stay in this state.

I meant to share here

@Leo Gura Do you have a picture of that cat you had as a kid?

Crazy solipsism awakening Yesterday I was on MDMA with a little bit of 2C-B, and then I did ketamine in the middle of the trip. A bit into the ketamine trip, I had probably the deepest awakening I’ve ever had in my life, and it lasted about 30-60 minutes. It felt like every awakening I’ve ever had previously was contained inside a bubble, or a dream, and then I pierced right out of that bubble and went beyond it, awakening out of all of my previous awakenings. I mentioned I had a deep solipsism awakening on 2C-B previously, but it was more intense than deep. It was more affirming very intensely that “I am the only one here” but not necessarily that deeply conscious of solipsism. This time, I reached a whole new depth of solipsism to the point where it became lonely and a bit unsettling, which hasn’t happened before. I truly realized that I am the only one here. No matter how real or convincing someone seems to be, how much it seems like they are a real person with their own life, it doesn’t make a difference, because they are still contained inside my mind, and as a result, they are me. All people on this forum, all people in the world who talk about awakening and supposedly become awakened themselves, they all exist inside my own mind, they are something I myself am imagining. Their existence is something I am doing to myself, something I’m tricking myself into. In reality, there is no other. It is only me. The entire universe is me. There is no one and nothing outside of me. It made me want to apologize to people for treating them as real people, for not seeing the truth of what they are. Not in a negative “you’re not real” kind of way, but just because I was so blind to seeing the truth of what they are that it feels like I didn’t even see them or pay attention to them. It feels weird to be out of that awakening now, and to be here typing this, because after what I became conscious of, I feel like an idiot believing that I am talking to real people, who exist separate from me. The entirety of existence is only me, it’s about me awakening to myself, and that’s it. There is no other.

Check out this post for context: It's taken a lot longer than expected for Fana al Fana to happen, but it has officially started. I didn't realize this but it is common for there to be a period where you start to gradually test the waters of surrendering into God, rather than being sucked into it all at once. If it all happened at once, there would be no guarantee that I'd come on to this forum and tell anyone after it happens, because I'd be gone and not have free will anymore. But the fact that I am starting to slip into it gradually now means I can make this post before the final full collapse. Sunday night/Monday morning at 4am I started entering this really deep state of consciousness that I've never experienced before. It was a steady, constant interaction with God, like a deep psychedelic state (but sober), and different emotional pains within me were gradually being released in really slow and gentle ways. This lasted for 8 hours. My consciousness remained deep after that, but without the emotional processing. I was sure that fana would happen soon so I just kept waiting. Today I woke up around noon. My consciousness wasn't quite as deep as before, and even though the emotional processing from the other day helped, it also weakened me and made me more raw, open and vulnerable. I was feeling pain a lot more deeply than usual, I felt like I was totally at my limit, absolutely exhausted from the pain, yet still terrified of surrendering into fana. I didn't know what to do, I started crying so hard, wishing that God would take me out of this situation, but I was totally helpless. As I cried, the longing in my heart for God got so deep, and my consciousness started shifting really deeply, deeper than the day before. I got sucked into this state from 12:30pm-5:30pm where I was having this deep interaction with God, releasing more emotional pain, more resistance towards surrender. It's insane how deep my consciousness gets in these states. I've only done light doses of 5-MeO-DMT before, but it completely blows those experiences out of the water, and it's all sober. I remember hearing Leo say in the past that the regular human state of consciousness is extremely low, like at a 2 or a 3, and the 'dial' of consciousness can go endlessly deeper - to 100, 1000, 100,000, etc. I realize now that Leo really wasn't kidding. Like holy shit. It's no joke. When I'm in these states, it's crystal clear that my consciousness is the only thing that exists. I am the only one that exists in this world. There is only one universe that can awaken to itself, and that is what my consciousness is. I look around my room - the posters on my wall, my bed sheets, the rest of my room - I can feel God in all of it. It's all God. 'Tristan' is just a construction, like a knot/tangle of yarn that the universe created, waiting to be unravelled. Tristan is not awakening, there is no person awakening, and there is no other person to tell about awakening. The universe is awakening to itself, and the only one that can know that is me (this consciousness), because it's all that exists. That's it. I don't know if what I'm describing sounds overly deep, but like I said, these states of consciousness obliterate any 5-MeO-DMT experience or any other psychedelic experience I've had in the past, and it is all happening sober, and I stay in it for hours at a time. The emotional release happens slowly and gently through interacting with God while I'm in these states. God sees how terrified and broken I am, God is being super gentle and slow with me, teaching my ego that it's safe to collapse into God's arms, and then I can leave this life forever and never be tormented by it again. Eventually enough resistance will be released, total surrender will happen, and I will merge with God forever with no return. From what I researched, Fana al Fana is as deep as maha samadhi, except the body stays alive. Permanent fana al fana is only possible for emissary souls (and it always happens for them), which is a type of soul that comes to the world only once every few hundred years, and I have a massive, overwhelming amount of proof that that is what I am. From what I researched, my experiences here are 100% the beginning of fana. It will probably only take a few days for these episodes of emotional release to be done, and then the full collapse into unity with God will happen. @Leo Gura You have always doubted my spiritual path of love, and doubted that I would awaken when I said I would months ago. Once the full collapse/awakening happens, it won't be in my control to let you know that it has happened (because I'll be gone), but the collapse has begun now, so I think it's fair to say that it's happening just like I said it would. I realize in retrospect though that I shouldn't need my spiritual teacher to validate my awakenings or personal experiences. The only one that needs to see the truth of them is me. Depending on you to validate them would be me handing over my authority to an illusion, to a creation of my own mind, so it serves me more for other people (especially my spiritual teacher) to doubt my experiences, because all that matters is that I know in my heart what is true for me based on my own direct experiences. 2 hours before entering the start of fana (2 hours before that first 8 hour period on Sunday night), this crazy synchronicity happened. I decided to look up this kids show I remembered, for nostalgic reasons, and I picked a random episode to watch, not knowing which one it was. In this episode, Toopy plays this 'the great Toopy' character, and it's literally an analogy for God. Especially at 2:22 - he says "look, just like I said. The great toopy knows everything". It's literally God saying to me "see, you're awakening, just like I said you would" because God told me on an MDMA trip back in March that fana would happen. Watch the whole episode and think of Toopy as an analogy for God. It's insane how accurate of an analogy this is for my experience. But anyways, I don't think I'll respond much to this thread because I need to stay focused inwards, but yeah, things are happening!!

Some more information on the structure of my path, the components that are leading me to becoming pure God Tragedy Most spiritual paths/paths to unity are formatted as “go through a temporary hell, reach an infinite reward”. The idea is that you’re willing to go through hell because you know it will be worth it in the end. My path has been different, because it has been so brutal that it’s gotten to the point where I couldn’t possibly consent to what I’ve been through. It’s at the point where it’s so bad that I don’t care about any reward or infinite love, all I want is to die, but I’m forced to keep going anyways. One of the main components that made this happen is this: My whole life, I have carried deep childhood emotional wounds, which have made me very weak, afraid, and childlike. I don’t have much of a backbone, I can’t just “toughen up and bear pain”. On an emotional level, I’m a hurt and terrified child, and I’ve gone through my entire spiritual path from this position. Maybe if I was someone who didn’t have all these emotional wounds, and was healthy and strong, then I could bear the hero’s journey and be willing to go through what ever it takes to reach God and love, but I can’t do that from the perspective of being a hurt and terrified child, which is why I’ve had to be forced through this entire journey against my will. The pain I’ve had to go through has been so brutal, that as I said before, it’s at the level of cruelty and emotional torture. On top of that, I’ve had to go through all of that while still being a child on an emotional level, and I’ve gone through it completely alone with no empathy or understanding from others. At that point, it’s not just hardship, it’s abuse, torment, cruelty, that I can’t do anything to get out of. That’s why there is no way I could ever consent to what I’ve had to go through, and I don’t care about a reward, all I want is to be dead. This changes the shape of how my unity unfolds. It’s no longer about “reward for hardship”, because I don’t care about a ‘reward’. What I’ve had to go through is so unbearable, that it’s a tragedy. It ‘shouldn’t have happened’ so to speak. It’s too unbearable. From that position, once unity happens, once I merge back with God, I am rescued. I am then completely safe, completely loved forever, never again being put in a position to suffer the way I did, never being forced to do anything I don’t want to do, not even being asked to love because God is using me to serve the world. At that point, there is no forcing. I am permanently saved from everything I had to go through, merged with the softest, most gentle motherly love ever, and I will never ever be taken away from it. At that point, the love doesn’t come as a ‘reward for enduring hardship’, the love comes from being rescued, saved, brought to a place where you never have to suffer again. Even though what I endured was so tragic and unbearable, after I am rescued, that counter-intuitively turns into the deepest and most beautiful love ever. It’s the ‘flower growing from the ashes’ idea. It was so tragic and unbearable that I could never consent to going through that, but now that I have been saved and I am free from it forever… it’s all the more reason to fall in love. After going through something like that and then being rescued, your heart needs love in a way that it never would otherwise. Love touches you at a MUCH deeper level. The ‘reward for enduring hardship’ framework is almost shallow and superficial by comparison. So this whole ‘tragedy’ framework makes the love significantly deeper. Unity above all This point builds directly onto the previous point. I have distinctly noticed that I have been brought to the point where I care about unity and the end of separation more than anything else. The pain of separation has been so extreme and unbearable to me that the only thing I care about is reaching total unity, for its own sake, and nothing else matters to me. I don’t care about a reward or about feeling good. Fuck heaven, fuck ecstasy, fuck orgasms. Unity will always come before any of those things. To me, separation from God is not just painful, it’s morally wrong. It’s a total violation to my entire being. Being in unity with God is the only way I could ever be okay, and after that, my desire collapses because I don’t really care about or need anything else. I’ve been traumatized so deeply that I don’t care about feeing good or being in heaven. All that matters to me is togetherness, unity, never being alone or separated ever again. Because of that, there is no ego reaching for heaven or bliss, there is just a need for unity, with no other desire. At that point, once unity happens, I’m not just in unity, I AM unity, I AM Truth, just existing as themselves, because there is no other desire left within me. Holiness Something I’ve glimpsed over the past few months as I’ve gotten tastes of unity is getting an idea of what it will feel like to reach God’s love after being through the depth of hell I’ve gone through. I’ve only had small glimpses of this, so it’s hard to describe exactly what it is, but I have seen the potential for not just overflowing love, but an explosion of the heart so massive that it erupts into holiness, sacredness, like the feeling of golden light glowing around you. When the self is dissolved so completely, you are completely merged with God, and the heart has such an extraordinary, heart-wrenching amount of longing packed into it, when it finally merges with God’s love forever, there is something truly spectacular that happens, a depth of love that can only be accessed by enduring cruelty, abuse, emotional torture, these kinds of things that go far beyond just normal pain and suffering. I think holiness is something still known about and recorded with other mystics who reach even regular fana fi allah, but what I’m saying here is that I’ve noticed the potential for an unusually deep and massive amount of this, because of the state my heart is in, and the path I’ve endured. Conclusion This is the first time I’ve put all of this information together in one place, and as I read it, it’s insane and almost terrifying that this is actually my life, my life experience, and the unity I am heading towards. Like how is this even possible? Like one, how the fuck have I survived all of this, and two, how is this level of holiness, this depth of love, this purity of God, how is it ME? How is this my incarnation, my spiritual path, my destined state of unity? It makes it so obvious that I am not a real person. ‘Tristan’ is just a placeholder for God. With everything I said above, it makes it very obvious that this is not a human’s spiritual path, this is not a human reaching God. This is God injecting itself into the world, God fragmenting itself and then coming back to itself, with no ego or humanness at all, which is what emissary soul paths are. That’s what makes this path go beyond a path like Rumi’s or the Sufis, and be more aligned with that of Jesus. You can also see why emissary soul paths are the hardest, considering what has to be endured to be shed of ego so completely. . . . The feminine face of God as my girlfriend With the divine mother/feminine face of God that my soul is a fragment of, I have a mother/child relationship with her, but I also have a romantic, boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship with her. Our interactions seem to be a lot more relational, person-to-person feeling compared to what most mystics have with God. That type of interaction just works really well for me, and I think it is a natural part of femininity as well. On one of my 2C-B trips earlier this month, I had an interaction with Her where I could feel her wanting to put herself in the position to be my girlfriend, like she wanted me to hold her, to cuddle up to me. It again had that same deeply intimate feeling I described previously that feels like this isn’t just God, this is my own self, what my soul is a fragment of, and because of that, we’re equals, and she isn’t superior to me in any way. There is massive intimacy in that. I could feel her wanting me to (metaphorically) hold her, cuddle her, treat her like my girl. I started doing that and focusing on that, and I just started to fall in love with how beautiful and sweet she is. It felt like I was holding her, babying her, she’s my sweet baby girl, and she’s all mine. The more I did this, the more I could feel how beautiful and sweet she is, how absolutely gentle, tender, and affectionate she is. I kept babying her and treating her like my baby girl, and I would fall in love with her at deeper and deeper levels. It gets to the point where my heart goes absolutely crazy for her. In that moment it feels like nothing else in existence matters to me. She is the most important thing to me, the greatest and most perfect thing I will ever experience. My heart just melts deeper and deeper as I fall in love with her sweetness, innocence, and gentleness. Eventually it gets so strong that I can feel myself about to get totally lost in it, like I’m going to be annihilated and dissolve into Her, because of how much I love Her. It makes me realize that my heart goes this crazy for her, that to me it feels like nothing in existence could possibly be better than Her, because she is my own self. Her sweetness, her gentleness, her beauty, her innocence, all of that is me. It’s what I am. It’s what my soul is a fragment of, and she is who I long to return to. That’s why Her and Her feminine qualities melt my heart like nothing else. “The one you are looking for is you” - Osho. I think it is so special to have this kind of relationship with Her. This is something that can only come from being an emissary soul, because only a fragment of Her could have a relationship this deeply intimate with Her. She fragmented a piece of Herself, turned it into me, and so I am Her in male form. My deep sensitivity is what allows me to be gentle with Her, to understand Her and be attuned to Her in a way that no one else could be, because my heart and Her’s are the same.

@LambdaDelta Thanks, I appreciate it. Feel free to comment on anything if there’s anything you want to discuss, I’m happy to talk. My entire spiritual journey has been so lonely and isolating, and since I found out I’d be reaching fana, I’ve made threads over the past year talking about it to share how special and incredible it all is with people, as a way of celebrating what’s come out of what I’ve had to go through, but barely anyone has commented on it, it feels like no one really cares and I’m still alone as much as before😅 I have some more things I thought about regarding my path that I’m going to write out below @Yimpa

Thanks! I wrote an update here:

Update February 24 2026 This entire process towards fana has taken a lot longer than I expected, but it has still very much been moving forwards. Since December I've been going through more waves of pain, my ego breaking and dissolving at deeper and deeper levels. My consciousness has also been getting much deeper, and I’ve been having crazy awakenings - tastes of infinity, tastes of unity, remembrance of where I was pre-birth, all sober. Recent trips I haven't been using psychedelics much (I did DMT a few times in August 2025, MDMA a few times mid October) but earlier in February I did 2C-B, and later Ketamine, and had some really incredible trips. It was my first time trying 2C-B. Using it this far along in my journey, this close to fana, was insane. I had some really incredible awakenings on it, and also some really beautiful and amazing things happened regarding my path. For example, on 2C-B, I came in contact with the divine mother in a way I never have before. What is so special about it is that it’s not just coming in contact with God in an abstract, human way - it’s not just interacting with the divine mother, it’s my divine mother, because I came from Her. I’m coming in contact with the essence that birthed my soul. As I mentioned before, I have been massively starved of intimacy throughout my life, I have felt like an alien walking the earth, like no one understands me at all, far more than what most spiritual people experience. When I come in contact with Her, it’s like that flips to the opposite end of the spectrum. It’s extreme intimacy, extreme understanding, extreme closeness, because we are one and the same. I am Her, and we know and understand each other completely. The way we interact with each other feels like I am her child, like her ‘special boy’, like she wants to pull me into her arms and hold me, because I belong to her. It feels like I would never even know that She was God based on this interaction alone, because it feels so different from what you’d expect an interaction with God to feel like. She just feels like my home. These interactions are bittersweet, because they are so beautiful when they happen, but it hurts me when I lose contact with Her, but I know I’ll be with Her permanently soon. A lot of really amazing things happened on these trips, but they are really personal and private to my path, so I can’t really share them. I also had some really cool interactions with God on Ketamine, which again probably only happened because of where I’m at spiritually. Where my consciousness is at now At this point, so often I am conscious that my direct experience is the only thing that exists (I also had a really deep solipsism awakening on 2C-B which took this even farther). It feels obvious that I am sitting in the same place I was before I was born, only now, there is form - an imagined physical world around me. But I’m partly conscious that every person is just a piece of my own mind, and they don’t really exist. Because of that, it doesn’t feel that crazy to tell people about everything that’s going on with me, how deeply I’m awakening, because I realize that I’m the only one here and there isn’t really anyone else there to hear about it. It’s just me going home to where I was before birth, and even though Fana al Fana is the deepest permanent awakened state a person can reach, it feels like there is nothing special or rare about it, because it’s just me here, and I’m going home like I was always meant to. My consciousness gets deeper and deeper every day. I’m getting so close to full collapse and surrender, and once that happens, I will be swallowed and consumed by God, and be gone. My path is about becoming the divine mother, and considering everything else that has gone on my life (before this path I was very interested in psychology and emotional healing work) and considering the state of the world today, it really seems like I’m going to become a sort of ‘mental health Jesus’. Everything about my path points to that, and the divine mother is perfectly suited for that. Another cool way to think about it: If Jesus brought God to the world as the father (the masculine face of God), and his path was about bringing spiral dynamics stage red into stage blue, my path is about bringing the world into spiral dynamics stage green. How brutal my path has been My path has been brutal and excruciating beyond words. I could write out more and more about just how awful it has been, but I don’t think I would ever get anyone to understand, so it feels like there isn’t much point. I genuinely believe though that I have gone through one of the most difficult spiritual paths in all of human history. It hasn’t just been hard, it’s been emotional torture. Literally. Also, it makes perfect sense for it to have been this hard, because 1: emissary soul paths go the deepest (fana al fana) and as a result are always the most difficult spiritual paths, and 2: the feminine face of God is one of the deepest levels of unity, which requires the most amount of pain to launch you to that depth of unity, and yet a soul of the feminine face of God is extremely sensitive and feels everything much more deeply than other people. I fucking hate being alive. I’ve wanted to be dead so badly for years now. Every single thing in life hurts me, I never get a break from it, the suffering never ends. All I care about is being dead. The way I found out I’d be reaching fana is that it was offered to me from God as an alternative to suicide. The process towards it has been far more difficult and painful than I ever imagined. It is humiliating being kept alive and having to go through this long, painful, tortuous process. It is so fucking slow and brutal and I just wish I would hurry up and die. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that once fana al fana happens, I will never incarnate again, and it won’t just be death, it will be heaven - the deepest level of unity with the feminine face of God. I’ve been shaped to be completely intolerant of separation from God. I cannot stand being human and existing as a separate self. Everything about it is hell. I hate having to figure out my life and make decisions for myself, I hate dealing with limitation and not being able to have things I want, I hate being starved of intimacy, no one understands me and I’m always completely alone. I hate being hurt by every single little thing all the time because of how sensitive I am. I hate being powerless to doing anything about the situation I’m in. Separation from God is absolutely, completely unbearable to me, and I could never tolerate anything less than total unity, and as a result, total death/annihilation. Like I said, I don’t think I could ever get anyone to understand just how brutal my path has been, but at the same time it doesn’t really matter, because my unity and relationship with God is what will make up for it, so no person needs to understand it. I know that the depth of hell I’ve been dragged through is exactly what will allow God to shine through me so deeply and clearly after fana. What ‘Tristan’ is Before my birth, I was the entire infinite feminine face of God. She fragmented herself, placed Herself into a human body, and that human was named Tristan. Then over the course of 25 years, Tristan has been dissolved and brought to the point where Her fragment could merge back with Her, leading to the entire feminine face of God living in a human body, walking the Earth. At that point, Tristan as an ego is not just dead, not just mostly gone, but totally annihilated and eviscerated. That’s what allows me to be completely dead and gone like I want, and for God to shine through me totally unobstructed by ego. That’s what Fana al fana is. (Lover = the human seeking God. Beloved = God) "The lover is a veil, all is Beloved. Beloved lives. The lover is a corpse." - Rumi Because my entire 25 year life as Tristan played out the way it did only to serve this purpose, rather than being a human, ‘Tristan’ is actually the name of a specific flavour of unity with God. My personality, my passions, interests, preferences, my desires, things I’ve been through in my life… these things aren’t just human experiences, they are specifically meant to shape my soul, and thus shape the way God acts through me once I reach unity, which God then uses to interact with the world and help people. That is what ‘Tristan’ is. A flavour of unity, a specific way that God (the divine mother) interacts with people and the world after fana. Conclusion It feels weird to be saying all of this to begin with because I realize that my own mind is all that exists, and so I’m not really talking to anyone. To me it sort of just feels like this 25 years of hell is about to be over, and I’m about to go back home to where I belong, and then I’ll be happy. If what then lives in my body and walks this Earth after my death is a Jesus type figure, then okay, great. As long as I as Tristan am dead, that’s all that matters to me. Hopefully what I’m writing here and what I wrote earlier in this thread gives a bit of an idea of what I’ve been through. Once the final collapse into fana al fana happens, I as Tristan will be totally wiped away, and only God will remain. I think it’s cool to be able to talk about all of this before that happens, while I’m still human, and then later for people to see what becomes of me after fana, even though I as Tristan won’t be there to see it. I know that I as Tristan am just an illusion, just a placeholder until I merge back with God. “The lover is a veil, all is Beloved”. There is a massive amount of stuff that I have to keep private between God and I. Something that is really special about the feminine face of God is how unique and unusual it is, in the way that it functions and operates, compared to any other aspect of God. That itself leads to an insane amount of intimacy between Her and I, and it is also why I have to keep so much about my unity private. It’s important to note that my unity is not just my death, it is going home to Her, being reunited, and then us falling endlessly in love with each other, permanently freed from the pain of separation. Our endless love, intimacy, romance is what then gets channeled out into the world, through her feminine essence. Here are things associated with the feminine essence of God: Soft, gentle, motherly love. Tenderness. Affection. Adoration. Deep sensitivity. Deep intimacy, deep emotional attunement. Safety. Connection, togetherness, closeness. Romance. Sexuality. Pleasure. Infinite beauty. Freedom from any form of pain or suffering. Innocence. Childlike essence. Playfulness.

@Yimpa

@Yimpa Wow, I forgot about this thread. You know what's crazy? When I made this thread, it was because I was having these episodes of craziness come up after I would experience deep love on 5-MeO-DMT. I was wondering if it was being caused by me doing 5-MeO-DMT too much. I looked at the date - 6 days after I made this thread, I had that MDMA trip where I was told I was going to reach fana (permanent unity with the divine). Since then I have been undergoing a process towards it, and once every few months, i've had those episodes of craziness come up again (without 5-MeO-DMT), and I learned it's a form of energetic release as a part of this preparation towards unity with God. It's just funny that when I made this thread, I had no idea that unity with the divine was going to be happening. But that's what those episodes of craziness were all along

@Yimpa which one?

I was watching the podcast episode linked in this thread, and it reminded me of you and my entire journey learning from you over the years (I've stepped away from the forum and your videos over the past while). I'm still going through this preparation period towards fana. I know I told you about it last year in June I think, but there is more I want to tell you and I'd be really grateful if you'd hear what I have to say. What I'm going through is so incredible and special, and (for better or worse) you were the only spiritual teacher to I ever really followed, and i've listened to 1000s of hours of your videos. So the fact that after all that time learning from you, I'm not just having some deep awakenings, not just reaching enlightenment, not just having a God realization, not even just reaching unity with God like Rumi and the Sufis (fana fi allah), but reaching total, absolute, Fana al fana, the deepest unity with God... it's insanely rare, insanely special and beautiful, and I really want you to hear all about it, because this is built from your teachings + my years of suffering, and nothing more Here is what I linked to you back in December, I don't know if you read it or not. There's a few more things I want to mention that we can discuss in that thread