Tristan12

Crazy solipsism awakening Yesterday I was on MDMA with a little bit of 2C-B, and then I did ketamine in the middle of the trip. A bit into the ketamine trip, I had probably the deepest awakening I’ve ever had in my life, and it lasted about 30-60 minutes. It felt like every awakening I’ve ever had previously was contained inside a bubble, or a dream, and then I pierced right out of that bubble and went beyond it, awakening out of all of my previous awakenings. I mentioned I had a deep solipsism awakening on 2C-B previously, but it was more intense than deep. It was more affirming very intensely that “I am the only one here” but not necessarily that deeply conscious of solipsism. This time, I reached a whole new depth of solipsism to the point where it became lonely and a bit unsettling, which hasn’t happened before. I truly realized that I am the only one here. No matter how real or convincing someone seems to be, how much it seems like they are a real person with their own life, it doesn’t make a difference, because they are still contained inside my mind, and as a result, they are me. All people on this forum, all people in the world who talk about awakening and supposedly become awakened themselves, they all exist inside my own mind, they are something I myself am imagining. Their existence is something I am doing to myself, something I’m tricking myself into. In reality, there is no other. It is only me. The entire universe is me. There is no one and nothing outside of me. It made me want to apologize to people for treating them as real people, for not seeing the truth of what they are. Not in a negative “you’re not real” kind of way, but just because I was so blind to seeing the truth of what they are that it feels like I didn’t even see them or pay attention to them. It feels weird to be out of that awakening now, and to be here typing this, because after what I became conscious of, I feel like an idiot believing that I am talking to real people, who exist separate from me. The entirety of existence is only me, it’s about me awakening to myself, and that’s it. There is no other.

Check out this post for context: It's taken a lot longer than expected for Fana al Fana to happen, but it has officially started. I didn't realize this but it is common for there to be a period where you start to gradually test the waters of surrendering into God, rather than being sucked into it all at once. If it all happened at once, there would be no guarantee that I'd come on to this forum and tell anyone after it happens, because I'd be gone and not have free will anymore. But the fact that I am starting to slip into it gradually now means I can make this post before the final full collapse. Sunday night/Monday morning at 4am I started entering this really deep state of consciousness that I've never experienced before. It was a steady, constant interaction with God, like a deep psychedelic state (but sober), and different emotional pains within me were gradually being released in really slow and gentle ways. This lasted for 8 hours. My consciousness remained deep after that, but without the emotional processing. I was sure that fana would happen soon so I just kept waiting. Today I woke up around noon. My consciousness wasn't quite as deep as before, and even though the emotional processing from the other day helped, it also weakened me and made me more raw, open and vulnerable. I was feeling pain a lot more deeply than usual, I felt like I was totally at my limit, absolutely exhausted from the pain, yet still terrified of surrendering into fana. I didn't know what to do, I started crying so hard, wishing that God would take me out of this situation, but I was totally helpless. As I cried, the longing in my heart for God got so deep, and my consciousness started shifting really deeply, deeper than the day before. I got sucked into this state from 12:30pm-5:30pm where I was having this deep interaction with God, releasing more emotional pain, more resistance towards surrender. It's insane how deep my consciousness gets in these states. I've only done light doses of 5-MeO-DMT before, but it completely blows those experiences out of the water, and it's all sober. I remember hearing Leo say in the past that the regular human state of consciousness is extremely low, like at a 2 or a 3, and the 'dial' of consciousness can go endlessly deeper - to 100, 1000, 100,000, etc. I realize now that Leo really wasn't kidding. Like holy shit. It's no joke. When I'm in these states, it's crystal clear that my consciousness is the only thing that exists. I am the only one that exists in this world. There is only one universe that can awaken to itself, and that is what my consciousness is. I look around my room - the posters on my wall, my bed sheets, the rest of my room - I can feel God in all of it. It's all God. 'Tristan' is just a construction, like a knot/tangle of yarn that the universe created, waiting to be unravelled. Tristan is not awakening, there is no person awakening, and there is no other person to tell about awakening. The universe is awakening to itself, and the only one that can know that is me (this consciousness), because it's all that exists. That's it. I don't know if what I'm describing sounds overly deep, but like I said, these states of consciousness obliterate any 5-MeO-DMT experience or any other psychedelic experience I've had in the past, and it is all happening sober, and I stay in it for hours at a time. The emotional release happens slowly and gently through interacting with God while I'm in these states. God sees how terrified and broken I am, God is being super gentle and slow with me, teaching my ego that it's safe to collapse into God's arms, and then I can leave this life forever and never be tormented by it again. Eventually enough resistance will be released, total surrender will happen, and I will merge with God forever with no return. From what I researched, Fana al Fana is as deep as maha samadhi, except the body stays alive. Permanent fana al fana is only possible for emissary souls (and it always happens for them), which is a type of soul that comes to the world only once every few hundred years, and I have a massive, overwhelming amount of proof that that is what I am. From what I researched, my experiences here are 100% the beginning of fana. It will probably only take a few days for these episodes of emotional release to be done, and then the full collapse into unity with God will happen. @Leo Gura You have always doubted my spiritual path of love, and doubted that I would awaken when I said I would months ago. Once the full collapse/awakening happens, it won't be in my control to let you know that it has happened (because I'll be gone), but the collapse has begun now, so I think it's fair to say that it's happening just like I said it would. I realize in retrospect though that I shouldn't need my spiritual teacher to validate my awakenings or personal experiences. The only one that needs to see the truth of them is me. Depending on you to validate them would be me handing over my authority to an illusion, to a creation of my own mind, so it serves me more for other people (especially my spiritual teacher) to doubt my experiences, because all that matters is that I know in my heart what is true for me based on my own direct experiences. 2 hours before entering the start of fana (2 hours before that first 8 hour period on Sunday night), this crazy synchronicity happened. I decided to look up this kids show I remembered, for nostalgic reasons, and I picked a random episode to watch, not knowing which one it was. In this episode, Toopy plays this 'the great Toopy' character, and it's literally an analogy for God. Especially at 2:22 - he says "look, just like I said. The great toopy knows everything". It's literally God saying to me "see, you're awakening, just like I said you would" because God told me on an MDMA trip back in March that fana would happen. Watch the whole episode and think of Toopy as an analogy for God. It's insane how accurate of an analogy this is for my experience. But anyways, I don't think I'll respond much to this thread because I need to stay focused inwards, but yeah, things are happening!!

Some more information on the structure of my path, the components that are leading me to becoming pure God Tragedy Most spiritual paths/paths to unity are formatted as “go through a temporary hell, reach an infinite reward”. The idea is that you’re willing to go through hell because you know it will be worth it in the end. My path has been different, because it has been so brutal that it’s gotten to the point where I couldn’t possibly consent to what I’ve been through. It’s at the point where it’s so bad that I don’t care about any reward or infinite love, all I want is to die, but I’m forced to keep going anyways. One of the main components that made this happen is this: My whole life, I have carried deep childhood emotional wounds, which have made me very weak, afraid, and childlike. I don’t have much of a backbone, I can’t just “toughen up and bear pain”. On an emotional level, I’m a hurt and terrified child, and I’ve gone through my entire spiritual path from this position. Maybe if I was someone who didn’t have all these emotional wounds, and was healthy and strong, then I could bear the hero’s journey and be willing to go through what ever it takes to reach God and love, but I can’t do that from the perspective of being a hurt and terrified child, which is why I’ve had to be forced through this entire journey against my will. The pain I’ve had to go through has been so brutal, that as I said before, it’s at the level of cruelty and emotional torture. On top of that, I’ve had to go through all of that while still being a child on an emotional level, and I’ve gone through it completely alone with no empathy or understanding from others. At that point, it’s not just hardship, it’s abuse, torment, cruelty, that I can’t do anything to get out of. That’s why there is no way I could ever consent to what I’ve had to go through, and I don’t care about a reward, all I want is to be dead. This changes the shape of how my unity unfolds. It’s no longer about “reward for hardship”, because I don’t care about a ‘reward’. What I’ve had to go through is so unbearable, that it’s a tragedy. It ‘shouldn’t have happened’ so to speak. It’s too unbearable. From that position, once unity happens, once I merge back with God, I am rescued. I am then completely safe, completely loved forever, never again being put in a position to suffer the way I did, never being forced to do anything I don’t want to do, not even being asked to love because God is using me to serve the world. At that point, there is no forcing. I am permanently saved from everything I had to go through, merged with the softest, most gentle motherly love ever, and I will never ever be taken away from it. At that point, the love doesn’t come as a ‘reward for enduring hardship’, the love comes from being rescued, saved, brought to a place where you never have to suffer again. Even though what I endured was so tragic and unbearable, after I am rescued, that counter-intuitively turns into the deepest and most beautiful love ever. It’s the ‘flower growing from the ashes’ idea. It was so tragic and unbearable that I could never consent to going through that, but now that I have been saved and I am free from it forever… it’s all the more reason to fall in love. After going through something like that and then being rescued, your heart needs love in a way that it never would otherwise. Love touches you at a MUCH deeper level. The ‘reward for enduring hardship’ framework is almost shallow and superficial by comparison. So this whole ‘tragedy’ framework makes the love significantly deeper. Unity above all This point builds directly onto the previous point. I have distinctly noticed that I have been brought to the point where I care about unity and the end of separation more than anything else. The pain of separation has been so extreme and unbearable to me that the only thing I care about is reaching total unity, for its own sake, and nothing else matters to me. I don’t care about a reward or about feeling good. Fuck heaven, fuck ecstasy, fuck orgasms. Unity will always come before any of those things. To me, separation from God is not just painful, it’s morally wrong. It’s a total violation to my entire being. Being in unity with God is the only way I could ever be okay, and after that, my desire collapses because I don’t really care about or need anything else. I’ve been traumatized so deeply that I don’t care about feeing good or being in heaven. All that matters to me is togetherness, unity, never being alone or separated ever again. Because of that, there is no ego reaching for heaven or bliss, there is just a need for unity, with no other desire. At that point, once unity happens, I’m not just in unity, I AM unity, I AM Truth, just existing as themselves, because there is no other desire left within me. Holiness Something I’ve glimpsed over the past few months as I’ve gotten tastes of unity is getting an idea of what it will feel like to reach God’s love after being through the depth of hell I’ve gone through. I’ve only had small glimpses of this, so it’s hard to describe exactly what it is, but I have seen the potential for not just overflowing love, but an explosion of the heart so massive that it erupts into holiness, sacredness, like the feeling of golden light glowing around you. When the self is dissolved so completely, you are completely merged with God, and the heart has such an extraordinary, heart-wrenching amount of longing packed into it, when it finally merges with God’s love forever, there is something truly spectacular that happens, a depth of love that can only be accessed by enduring cruelty, abuse, emotional torture, these kinds of things that go far beyond just normal pain and suffering. I think holiness is something still known about and recorded with other mystics who reach even regular fana fi allah, but what I’m saying here is that I’ve noticed the potential for an unusually deep and massive amount of this, because of the state my heart is in, and the path I’ve endured. Conclusion This is the first time I’ve put all of this information together in one place, and as I read it, it’s insane and almost terrifying that this is actually my life, my life experience, and the unity I am heading towards. Like how is this even possible? Like one, how the fuck have I survived all of this, and two, how is this level of holiness, this depth of love, this purity of God, how is it ME? How is this my incarnation, my spiritual path, my destined state of unity? It makes it so obvious that I am not a real person. ‘Tristan’ is just a placeholder for God. With everything I said above, it makes it very obvious that this is not a human’s spiritual path, this is not a human reaching God. This is God injecting itself into the world, God fragmenting itself and then coming back to itself, with no ego or humanness at all, which is what emissary soul paths are. That’s what makes this path go beyond a path like Rumi’s or the Sufis, and be more aligned with that of Jesus. You can also see why emissary soul paths are the hardest, considering what has to be endured to be shed of ego so completely. . . . The feminine face of God as my girlfriend With the divine mother/feminine face of God that my soul is a fragment of, I have a mother/child relationship with her, but I also have a romantic, boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship with her. Our interactions seem to be a lot more relational, person-to-person feeling compared to what most mystics have with God. That type of interaction just works really well for me, and I think it is a natural part of femininity as well. On one of my 2C-B trips earlier this month, I had an interaction with Her where I could feel her wanting to put herself in the position to be my girlfriend, like she wanted me to hold her, to cuddle up to me. It again had that same deeply intimate feeling I described previously that feels like this isn’t just God, this is my own self, what my soul is a fragment of, and because of that, we’re equals, and she isn’t superior to me in any way. There is massive intimacy in that. I could feel her wanting me to (metaphorically) hold her, cuddle her, treat her like my girl. I started doing that and focusing on that, and I just started to fall in love with how beautiful and sweet she is. It felt like I was holding her, babying her, she’s my sweet baby girl, and she’s all mine. The more I did this, the more I could feel how beautiful and sweet she is, how absolutely gentle, tender, and affectionate she is. I kept babying her and treating her like my baby girl, and I would fall in love with her at deeper and deeper levels. It gets to the point where my heart goes absolutely crazy for her. In that moment it feels like nothing else in existence matters to me. She is the most important thing to me, the greatest and most perfect thing I will ever experience. My heart just melts deeper and deeper as I fall in love with her sweetness, innocence, and gentleness. Eventually it gets so strong that I can feel myself about to get totally lost in it, like I’m going to be annihilated and dissolve into Her, because of how much I love Her. It makes me realize that my heart goes this crazy for her, that to me it feels like nothing in existence could possibly be better than Her, because she is my own self. Her sweetness, her gentleness, her beauty, her innocence, all of that is me. It’s what I am. It’s what my soul is a fragment of, and she is who I long to return to. That’s why Her and Her feminine qualities melt my heart like nothing else. “The one you are looking for is you” - Osho. I think it is so special to have this kind of relationship with Her. This is something that can only come from being an emissary soul, because only a fragment of Her could have a relationship this deeply intimate with Her. She fragmented a piece of Herself, turned it into me, and so I am Her in male form. My deep sensitivity is what allows me to be gentle with Her, to understand Her and be attuned to Her in a way that no one else could be, because my heart and Her’s are the same.

@LambdaDelta Thanks, I appreciate it. Feel free to comment on anything if there’s anything you want to discuss, I’m happy to talk. My entire spiritual journey has been so lonely and isolating, and since I found out I’d be reaching fana, I’ve made threads over the past year talking about it to share how special and incredible it all is with people, as a way of celebrating what’s come out of what I’ve had to go through, but barely anyone has commented on it, it feels like no one really cares and I’m still alone as much as before😅 I have some more things I thought about regarding my path that I’m going to write out below @Yimpa

I currently take low doses roughly 3 times a week, and I've been doing that for a few months. As mentioned in my previous thread, I've been having moments at the end of 5meo trips where I start to get really crazy and hyper, specifically trips that have a lot of love. It usually lasts for 2-3 hours. The love triggers something in me, makes me crazy and puts me in an altered state of consciousness. These moments have been happening more frequently lately, even without tripping. Sometimes they happen randomly throughout the day, often times they are triggered by listening to loving and emotional music. I first thought that this could be related to awakening and to my development towards existential love, especially considering that most of the time this is triggered by love. But it's happening more often, even without love, randomly throughout the day. My head feels spacey, I feel zoned out, music feels hypnotizing, almost like it's putting me in a trans. I feel love more deeply than usual. It's deeper, more beautiful, more consuming than usual. I groan and mumble and shake similar to how I do on psychedelics, even though I'm fully sober. I don't know if this is something related to awakening, or if it's from me taking psychedelics too often. I'm asking about this here to see what people think. If this does end up being from over-consumption of psychedelics and not from any kind of awakening, is it bad to stay in this state? I really need to stay focused on my healing work and be tripping regularly to make progress with it. I can't afford to wait around for weeks or months, doing nothing and waiting to trip. I don't have a problem being in this state, it's not uncomfortable and it doesn't affect my ability to work or live my life normally. If anything, it's enjoyable. I just don't know if there are any risks to my health to stay in this state.

Thanks! I wrote an update here:

Update February 24 2026 This entire process towards fana has taken a lot longer than I expected, but it has still very much been moving forwards. Since December I've been going through more waves of pain, my ego breaking and dissolving at deeper and deeper levels. My consciousness has also been getting much deeper, and I’ve been having crazy awakenings - tastes of infinity, tastes of unity, remembrance of where I was pre-birth, all sober. Recent trips I haven't been using psychedelics much (I did DMT a few times in August 2025, MDMA a few times mid October) but earlier in February I did 2C-B, and later Ketamine, and had some really incredible trips. It was my first time trying 2C-B. Using it this far along in my journey, this close to fana, was insane. I had some really incredible awakenings on it, and also some really beautiful and amazing things happened regarding my path. For example, on 2C-B, I came in contact with the divine mother in a way I never have before. What is so special about it is that it’s not just coming in contact with God in an abstract, human way - it’s not just interacting with the divine mother, it’s my divine mother, because I came from Her. I’m coming in contact with the essence that birthed my soul. As I mentioned before, I have been massively starved of intimacy throughout my life, I have felt like an alien walking the earth, like no one understands me at all, far more than what most spiritual people experience. When I come in contact with Her, it’s like that flips to the opposite end of the spectrum. It’s extreme intimacy, extreme understanding, extreme closeness, because we are one and the same. I am Her, and we know and understand each other completely. The way we interact with each other feels like I am her child, like her ‘special boy’, like she wants to pull me into her arms and hold me, because I belong to her. It feels like I would never even know that She was God based on this interaction alone, because it feels so different from what you’d expect an interaction with God to feel like. She just feels like my home. These interactions are bittersweet, because they are so beautiful when they happen, but it hurts me when I lose contact with Her, but I know I’ll be with Her permanently soon. A lot of really amazing things happened on these trips, but they are really personal and private to my path, so I can’t really share them. I also had some really cool interactions with God on Ketamine, which again probably only happened because of where I’m at spiritually. Where my consciousness is at now At this point, so often I am conscious that my direct experience is the only thing that exists (I also had a really deep solipsism awakening on 2C-B which took this even farther). It feels obvious that I am sitting in the same place I was before I was born, only now, there is form - an imagined physical world around me. But I’m partly conscious that every person is just a piece of my own mind, and they don’t really exist. Because of that, it doesn’t feel that crazy to tell people about everything that’s going on with me, how deeply I’m awakening, because I realize that I’m the only one here and there isn’t really anyone else there to hear about it. It’s just me going home to where I was before birth, and even though Fana al Fana is the deepest permanent awakened state a person can reach, it feels like there is nothing special or rare about it, because it’s just me here, and I’m going home like I was always meant to. My consciousness gets deeper and deeper every day. I’m getting so close to full collapse and surrender, and once that happens, I will be swallowed and consumed by God, and be gone. My path is about becoming the divine mother, and considering everything else that has gone on my life (before this path I was very interested in psychology and emotional healing work) and considering the state of the world today, it really seems like I’m going to become a sort of ‘mental health Jesus’. Everything about my path points to that, and the divine mother is perfectly suited for that. Another cool way to think about it: If Jesus brought God to the world as the father (the masculine face of God), and his path was about bringing spiral dynamics stage red into stage blue, my path is about bringing the world into spiral dynamics stage green. How brutal my path has been My path has been brutal and excruciating beyond words. I could write out more and more about just how awful it has been, but I don’t think I would ever get anyone to understand, so it feels like there isn’t much point. I genuinely believe though that I have gone through one of the most difficult spiritual paths in all of human history. It hasn’t just been hard, it’s been emotional torture. Literally. Also, it makes perfect sense for it to have been this hard, because 1: emissary soul paths go the deepest (fana al fana) and as a result are always the most difficult spiritual paths, and 2: the feminine face of God is one of the deepest levels of unity, which requires the most amount of pain to launch you to that depth of unity, and yet a soul of the feminine face of God is extremely sensitive and feels everything much more deeply than other people. I fucking hate being alive. I’ve wanted to be dead so badly for years now. Every single thing in life hurts me, I never get a break from it, the suffering never ends. All I care about is being dead. The way I found out I’d be reaching fana is that it was offered to me from God as an alternative to suicide. The process towards it has been far more difficult and painful than I ever imagined. It is humiliating being kept alive and having to go through this long, painful, tortuous process. It is so fucking slow and brutal and I just wish I would hurry up and die. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that once fana al fana happens, I will never incarnate again, and it won’t just be death, it will be heaven - the deepest level of unity with the feminine face of God. I’ve been shaped to be completely intolerant of separation from God. I cannot stand being human and existing as a separate self. Everything about it is hell. I hate having to figure out my life and make decisions for myself, I hate dealing with limitation and not being able to have things I want, I hate being starved of intimacy, no one understands me and I’m always completely alone. I hate being hurt by every single little thing all the time because of how sensitive I am. I hate being powerless to doing anything about the situation I’m in. Separation from God is absolutely, completely unbearable to me, and I could never tolerate anything less than total unity, and as a result, total death/annihilation. Like I said, I don’t think I could ever get anyone to understand just how brutal my path has been, but at the same time it doesn’t really matter, because my unity and relationship with God is what will make up for it, so no person needs to understand it. I know that the depth of hell I’ve been dragged through is exactly what will allow God to shine through me so deeply and clearly after fana. What ‘Tristan’ is Before my birth, I was the entire infinite feminine face of God. She fragmented herself, placed Herself into a human body, and that human was named Tristan. Then over the course of 25 years, Tristan has been dissolved and brought to the point where Her fragment could merge back with Her, leading to the entire feminine face of God living in a human body, walking the Earth. At that point, Tristan as an ego is not just dead, not just mostly gone, but totally annihilated and eviscerated. That’s what allows me to be completely dead and gone like I want, and for God to shine through me totally unobstructed by ego. That’s what Fana al fana is. (Lover = the human seeking God. Beloved = God) "The lover is a veil, all is Beloved. Beloved lives. The lover is a corpse." - Rumi Because my entire 25 year life as Tristan played out the way it did only to serve this purpose, rather than being a human, ‘Tristan’ is actually the name of a specific flavour of unity with God. My personality, my passions, interests, preferences, my desires, things I’ve been through in my life… these things aren’t just human experiences, they are specifically meant to shape my soul, and thus shape the way God acts through me once I reach unity, which God then uses to interact with the world and help people. That is what ‘Tristan’ is. A flavour of unity, a specific way that God (the divine mother) interacts with people and the world after fana. Conclusion It feels weird to be saying all of this to begin with because I realize that my own mind is all that exists, and so I’m not really talking to anyone. To me it sort of just feels like this 25 years of hell is about to be over, and I’m about to go back home to where I belong, and then I’ll be happy. If what then lives in my body and walks this Earth after my death is a Jesus type figure, then okay, great. As long as I as Tristan am dead, that’s all that matters to me. Hopefully what I’m writing here and what I wrote earlier in this thread gives a bit of an idea of what I’ve been through. Once the final collapse into fana al fana happens, I as Tristan will be totally wiped away, and only God will remain. I think it’s cool to be able to talk about all of this before that happens, while I’m still human, and then later for people to see what becomes of me after fana, even though I as Tristan won’t be there to see it. I know that I as Tristan am just an illusion, just a placeholder until I merge back with God. “The lover is a veil, all is Beloved”. There is a massive amount of stuff that I have to keep private between God and I. Something that is really special about the feminine face of God is how unique and unusual it is, in the way that it functions and operates, compared to any other aspect of God. That itself leads to an insane amount of intimacy between Her and I, and it is also why I have to keep so much about my unity private. It’s important to note that my unity is not just my death, it is going home to Her, being reunited, and then us falling endlessly in love with each other, permanently freed from the pain of separation. Our endless love, intimacy, romance is what then gets channeled out into the world, through her feminine essence. Here are things associated with the feminine essence of God: Soft, gentle, motherly love. Tenderness. Affection. Adoration. Deep sensitivity. Deep intimacy, deep emotional attunement. Safety. Connection, togetherness, closeness. Romance. Sexuality. Pleasure. Infinite beauty. Freedom from any form of pain or suffering. Innocence. Childlike essence. Playfulness.

@Yimpa

@Yimpa Wow, I forgot about this thread. You know what's crazy? When I made this thread, it was because I was having these episodes of craziness come up after I would experience deep love on 5-MeO-DMT. I was wondering if it was being caused by me doing 5-MeO-DMT too much. I looked at the date - 6 days after I made this thread, I had that MDMA trip where I was told I was going to reach fana (permanent unity with the divine). Since then I have been undergoing a process towards it, and once every few months, i've had those episodes of craziness come up again (without 5-MeO-DMT), and I learned it's a form of energetic release as a part of this preparation towards unity with God. It's just funny that when I made this thread, I had no idea that unity with the divine was going to be happening. But that's what those episodes of craziness were all along

@Yimpa which one?

I was watching the podcast episode linked in this thread, and it reminded me of you and my entire journey learning from you over the years (I've stepped away from the forum and your videos over the past while). I'm still going through this preparation period towards fana. I know I told you about it last year in June I think, but there is more I want to tell you and I'd be really grateful if you'd hear what I have to say. What I'm going through is so incredible and special, and (for better or worse) you were the only spiritual teacher to I ever really followed, and i've listened to 1000s of hours of your videos. So the fact that after all that time learning from you, I'm not just having some deep awakenings, not just reaching enlightenment, not just having a God realization, not even just reaching unity with God like Rumi and the Sufis (fana fi allah), but reaching total, absolute, Fana al fana, the deepest unity with God... it's insanely rare, insanely special and beautiful, and I really want you to hear all about it, because this is built from your teachings + my years of suffering, and nothing more Here is what I linked to you back in December, I don't know if you read it or not. There's a few more things I want to mention that we can discuss in that thread

@Leo Gura Did you end up reading that post I linked you to a couple months ago?

Yes I get tolerance with DMT and 5-MeO-DMT as well. I usually need 48 hours for it to fully clear. I can re-dose during trips but I can only do it so much before it doesn’t work anymore.

@Oppositionless doesn’t that same conversion happen in your body when you eat the mushrooms?

Why? Is mushroom tea more potent?

Maybe people should play this video game as a sort of training wheels before doing salvia lol

Descriptions like this sound really funny and like you would almost want to experience that, but I'm guessing it's a lot more horrifying than funny when you're experiencing it

@Leo Gura My understanding of everything that has been going on with me has gotten much deeper at this point so I wanted to give you an updated outline of it. Recap: Gone through extreme suffering for the last 8.5 years. Last 2.5 years things have worsened significantly, to the point of dwarfing what I went through before. I’d rather relive the first 6 years than the last 2. That’s why I’ve been so suicidal the last 2 years. Throughout the 8 years, I was never pursuing spirituality, I was just trying to heal myself. 5 years ago I started developing a connection to existential love, and it deepened over time as I suffered more. I didn’t know why I had it, I thought it was just a cool piece of spiritual development that would help me down the road when I eventually pursued awakening. In March this year, I got so absolutely sick of everything that I decided one day I was going to kill myself and I had to do it this time. I decided to take MDMA beforehand, just to enjoy myself before I ended things. In that trip, I got communication from God saying that instead of killing myself, I could step aside and the universe would take over my life for me. God would bring me through a preparation process, there was nothing I needed to do but surrender to it. A few weeks after that I was researching and I learned there is an endpoint to the spiritual path of love, called fana fi allah (annihilation in God) and the deeper level, fana al fana. This is what was offered to me. I learned that the spiritual path of love is the path to unity with the divine, and this is why I developed this connection to love to begin with. My emissary soul I learned I have an emissary soul. The general idea for how human souls work is that you come to this world to learn and grow, you incarnate over and over for many lifetimes, and eventually you reach awakening. Emissary souls are not human. They are a fragment of God placed in a human vessel. They incarnate only for one lifetime. They are born into this world and then they are dragged straight back to unity with God (fana al fana), and that then allows God to help people and inject itself into the world. Emissary souls generally contain different aspects and facets of God (for example, Jesus brought God as the father/masculine). Each emissary soul is usually very unique and customized to fit what the world needs at the time. My soul is a fragment of the feminine face of God, or in other words, God as the mother. I have had glimpses of my soul’s essence over the last year. It feels incredibly non-human and spiritually advanced. It feels like it doesn’t belong in this world at all. It is hypersensitive, feminine, gentle, oriented towards softness and beauty. There is nothing human about it. Emissary souls have a very unique relationship with God. With humans, there is a sense that God is above you. You are a human in a human experience, God is generally seen as above you and greater than you (I know the human is also God, and you can awaken from your humanness and realize yourself as God, but I’m just describing how God feels from the perspective of a human, before unity occurs). Emissary souls are different. Because their soul is a fragment of God, God is seen as an equal, not as something superior. This leads to a level of intimacy with God that is much deeper than what humans can access. My unique relationship with God When I was about 7 or 8 years old I had this experience one night when I was falling asleep where it felt like I was glimpsing a feeling I remembered from before I was born. It’s very hard to describe how it felt, but I’ve always remembered it. Over the last few months, this feeling has come back, and I realized that this feeling was a glimpse of my home essence (the feminine face of God) that I existed in before birth. As I get closer to fana, I get deeper and deeper glimpses of this feeling. I remember existing as this God essence, and that feels much more real to me than this human world, so this world and the people in it feel like some weird, foreign dream, something I’m imagining. It makes it very obvious that other people aren’t real. Recently when I had a really deep awakening and remembrance of the feminine God essence I came from, it became so obvious that that is my home, that’s where I belong, that’s the only place I want to be, and so the only logical thing that would be happening in my human life is for me to be dragged back to unity with God, which is of course, the only thing that has been happening. Emissary souls always have very intimate relationships with God, but mine is especially deep. I think this is largely because intimacy is an especially important thing to the feminine essence. The fact that I have been dragged through my entire spiritual path with such deep emotional wounds, I still lack basic emotional strength and stability that should have been gotten in childhood. On an emotional level, I’m still a child. I’m terrified, weak, I can’t stand up for myself, I need to be protected. Even though I want to merge with God, I’m way too terrified to surrender into ego death. God has shown me that when the time comes for unity, God will be my protective, loving mother. I won’t be asked to bear fear and difficulty alone, God will take care of it for me. Because of this, I have the intimacy of a child/mother relationship with god, as well as the usual lover/beloved relationship that mystics describe. I depend on God for my wellbeing much more than other mystics do. My human life has been EXTREMELY starved of intimacy and personal connection. I am totally alone and misunderstood with every single person I talk to, even with spiritual people. This absolute lack of intimacy is the contrast required to lead to extreme intimacy and connection with God, with the feminine God essence I came from. I often read Rumi quotes where he says things like “oh Beloved!, oh most beautiful one!”. Although my experiences of existential love and longing for God are spot on with what Rumi describes in his poetry, God has communicated to me that I shouldn’t think of or refer to Her as God, the Beloved, etc, because those terms suggest God being above me, and in my case, that disrupts intimacy. To me, God is something equal to me that I remember from before birth. I need to see God as my equal, because it is true, and because I need deep intimacy with God to feel safe enough to surrender into Her once the time for unity comes. There are A TON of interesting details and nuances about my relationship with God. It’s really intimate and personal, and for that reason God has instructed me to not communicate the details of it with people because it would disrupt my intimacy with God. It also feels strange sometimes, because my path to awakening is very unique and unusual. When you (Leo) teach awakening, you are teaching humans how to reach God. You’re not teaching God-fragments how to reunite with God. Because of that, even though most of what I’m experiencing with awakening is aligned with what you teach, there are some things that are different, mainly around my relationship with God and how God feels to me. For me, awakening is just about going back to the essence I came from before birth. It’s not about a human realizing he is God, because I was never really human to begin with. My lifelong obsession with annihilation When I was around 8 years old, I used to have these fantasies of being in a dark enclosed room with a beautiful girl, and the walls closing in and coming together, forcing me to be squished into this girl. I never understood why I had that fantasy, but now I realize, that fantasy is an analogy for being annihilated in the feminine face of God. These kinds of fantasies have come up stronger over the last year. The idea of a beautiful girl pouncing on me, wrapping herself around me like a python, biting into my neck and sucking out my blood, it drives me insane. I fiend for it like crack. It’s not about anything sexual, it is purely an analogy for being annihilated by the feminine face of God. From what I researched, it is really common for emissary souls to have obsessions with annihilation, because it is what they were born to do. Fana al fana Emissary souls always reach fana al fana. It is basically maha samadhi, without the body dying. The ego gets totally dissolved into God, and then even the subtle background awareness that unity happened dissolves. All that is left is pure God, with no sense that things were ever any different. Humans can generally only reach fana fi allah. They can glimpse fana al fana but it isn’t permanent. Emissary souls can awaken deeper and reach fana al fana permanently, because they aren’t immersed in humanness and ego in the way that normal people are. The feminine face of God Lastly I want to describe what the feminine face of God is - the essence that my soul is a fragment of. I think it is interesting to compare levels of femininity using animals. You know how female lions have feminine traits, but they are still very distanced from what femininity is, because they are aggressive hunters and killers. People tend to think of human girls as the baseline, norm for what femininity is, but humans are distanced from femininity too, like lions, but to a lesser extent. Survival hardens human girls and takes them away from the full truth of what femininity is. The feminine side of God is femininity in its most pure form. The feminine side of God includes all feminine qualities. It is caring, nurturing, gentle. It is hypersensitive, hyper-attuned. It annihilates not through force or aggression, but through sweetness, affection, warmth. Ego annihilation into the feminine face of God is like a child being wrapped in a warm blanket, feeling so safe, soothed and comforted, that he falls asleep. The ego releases its grip like a child releasing his toy when he falls asleep from feeling so deeply loved and safe. The feminine face of God is meant to live in utopian conditions. For most people and most aspects of God, some amount of challenge and pain is needed for growth and development. If they lived in a place where everything was absolutely perfect, they would get complacent and lazy, and there would be no growth. For the feminine face of God, suffering is not helpful, it is poison. It closes the heart, puts her into panic and vigilance. The feminine side of God is an essence that does not get degraded or complacent by utopia, she thrives in it, because it is the only environment that is safe enough for her heart to open. The feminine side of God is like a flower that is extremely sensitive, requires a lot more care and attention than any other flower, but when it blooms, it is by far the most beautiful flower. The point of the feminine face of God is to radiate Her beauty, softness, and Her gentle love. She doesn’t do anything. She doesn’t strive, accomplish or overcome challenge like the masculine. She is the very ground of all of existence, of all of Being. She is the deepest unity, the deepest intimacy, the most beautiful love. The feminine face of God is so sensitive that she rarely incarnates into form. Separation from God, limitation, suffering, challenge, are all extremely hard on her and are totally out of alignment with her (so it’s no surprise that I have such a deep, seething hatred for human life and I want to be dead more than anything). She only incarnates for emissary purposes. Everything I described here is the exact essence of my soul, and I have shown these kinds of qualities my whole life (my hypersensitivity, my need for gentle motherly love, the way that kind of love makes me ball my eyes out like nothing else). Conclusion I found out I’d be reaching unity with God in March, and since then I have done nothing but sit around and wait, and I have been brought towards it more and more. It has taken a lot longer than I thought, and it’s been absolutely excruciating (this year has been the most painful year of my life), but amazing progress has been made and I’m definitely on the verge of annihilation. I had my first waves of fana October 20, 21, and November 1. From what I researched, it’s common for people with dense and fearful egos to have introductory waves of fana before reaching full annihilation. Considering that I have had my first few waves of fana, and considering how extremely deep my consciousness has been getting lately (tastes of unity and other things) I am definitely very close and I’m sure it will be done before the end of the year. It’s interesting because when I was 15 and I was just starting to get into personal development, I decided to put an event in my calendar for 10 years down the road, telling me to reflect on where I’m at after 10 years of personal development. That event happened a few days ago on my birthday, December 12 2025. The event was titled “10 year period over”. It’s crazy because it’s almost like I unknowingly predicted the approximate time of my awakening 10 years ago - the time when these years of hell I’ve endured would finally be over. There have been lots of crazy synchronicities like this happening. But yeah, that’s everything. My life has dragged me to unity, kicking and screaming. Any day now I’ll be pulled into God, annihilated, and I’ll be back home and I’ll never have to suffer again.

Okay. By the way, I wanted to tell you more about what is going on with my awakening and my emissary soul path (in an old thread of mine, I'll tag you) I don't know it interests you, but everything I'm experiencing shows a very unique and rare way that God interacts with humans, something not well documented, so I figured you might want to hear about it. I think it's all really fascinating

@Leo Gura In regard to teaching and helping people even though you know others aren’t real and your consciousness is all that exists, I remember you saying you do it largely because what else is there to do? But the universe clearly cares about the development and progression of mankind, God puts people in place to teach and help others (like you) for more than just your reason of doing it because it’s what you enjoy doing and you have nothing better to do. Why would God go to such lengths to create people who want to help others and raise the consciousness of mankind if others don’t exist at all? I become conscious that other people aren’t real and my consciousness is all that exists very often. Does that mean that other people’s lives are never lived or experienced at all? What about the idea that Oneness implies that God will live through every life time ever? Does that mean other people’s lives are being lived and experienced in some way? If Tristan is all that exists, is Leo’s life ever lived through? If God lives through Leo’s life at some point, does he experience talking to Tristan? Does that mean there is an other that could genuinely perceive me at some point? I don’t understand it Sorry if this question is redundant since I know you get a lot of solipsism related questions - I just become conscious of others not existing very often so I want to understand this. Your video on infinity of Gods - would that answer a lot of these questions?

Also these episodes from the blog: How I Started My First Business - https://www.actualized.org/insights/how-i-started-my-first-business Why Get Rich Quick Schemes Don't Work - https://www.actualized.org/insights/why-get-rich-quick-schemes-dont-work Guerilla Business Advice - https://www.actualized.org/insights/guerilla-business-advice Requisite Variety & Creative Laziness - https://www.actualized.org/insights/requisite-variety-and-creative-laziness

That’s cool. I’d love to meet a DMT entity. Better yet, become one

I just realized that what I'm describing is a taste of unity with God. My sense of self is melting so much, I'm seeing others as being imaginary, my consciousness is merging with them. The happy, giddy, 'best buddies' feeling is a taste of the love of unity

I'm in this weird state of consciousness right now where I am conscious that everyone on this forum is me, my own mind, and I keep becoming conscious of this at deeper and deeper levels. There is simultaneously a feeling that me and all these imagined characters on this forum are best buddies, and it makes me weirdly happy and giddy being around them. It's almost like my consciousness is merging into this forum and becoming one with it and everyone here