Tristan12

It is reopening. That feeling of deep familiarity is coming back and getting deeper as I get closer to total collapse/surrender

I wanted to talk more about my experience as an emissary soul. An emissary soul is a person whose soul is a fragment of God. They don't have a human soul, so they aren’t human in the way everyone else is. The point of them incarnating into human form is to reach unity with God, and that then allows God to inject itself into the world through them (Jesus was an emissary soul). From what I researched, only one person every few hundred years is born with an emissary soul, so it is extraordinarily rare. I've proven that I have an emissary soul, so I wanted to talk a bit about what my experience is like, just to document it, considering the rarity of it. I have this memory from when I was about 7 or 8 years old. It’s a memory from when I was falling asleep one night. It’s this specific feeling I felt, and whenever I look back on that memory there is this very deep inner knowing that that feeling came from where I was before I was born. I don’t know how to describe it but it is this unique feeling flavour that comes from being outside of human life and the human world, and I must have glimpsed it that night when I was 7 or 8 years old. It feels totally non-human, yet totally me, more familiar to myself than anything else I’ve ever experienced. Over the past few days, as I’ve been glimpsing surrender, this feeling has started to come back quite a lot. I can feel that through fana, I will be returning to this place I came from before I was born. As my ego has been dissolving so much over the past few months, I notice a very deep lack of humanness underneath. I have a unique relationship with the divine that I haven’t heard any other person talk about. It is totally non-human, it is different even from what Sufi mystics like Rumi describe. I guess usually underneath a human ego, you would have a human soul that awaits unity with God, but for me, underneath my ego, there is no human soul there. I look within myself and all there is is a fragment of God. Along with that, there is a very deep and distinct lack of humanness there. It’s a feeling that I am fundamentally different and separate from humans, I am not human at all, and that feeling is very intense. When I feel into and channel this part of myself, it causes me to interact with God in unique ways. I feel like I am a puppy sucking up to God. I desperately crave intimacy with God. God is my home and where I belong, it’s where I came from. I feel God within myself, and I can feel my soul begging to be taken in by God. I want to be God’s slave, I want God to own me, I want to be some dead, inanimate object that God has full control over, and I don’t have any free will of my own. But along with all of this, God loves and adores me completely, I am God’s baby. That’s how I want things to be. No Tristan, no human self, no free will of my own - just wherever God goes, I go. As I feel into this, as I feel into my deep desire for intimacy with God, my disconnection from humans, it again brings me back to that feeling from that memory when I was 7-8 years old, that feeling I remember from before I was born. I had this MDMA trip In July this year, and I had deep glimpses of God and existential love. I remember as the trip ended, I was so heartbroken that God didn’t take me all the way (into fana). I remember as I sobered up and was immersed back into the human world again, I remember feeling my heart cry out: “I don’t like this place, it’s scary and weird, people are mean to me, no one understands me, I don’t want to be here”. This is the exact feeling that permeates my soul. I am completely separate and different from humans, I belong with God, and this world feels totally foreign to me, especially now at the edge of fana. Speaking with any people, even spiritual people, and even advanced mystics, there is still a core feeling of disconnection between me and them. They are rooted in humanness in a way that I am not. Their relationship with God is human and God, mine is God with God. That’s where this extreme desire for intimacy with God comes from. There is no chance of true intimacy in this world for me. I can only have real intimacy with God, with where I came from. Because of this, my relationship with God is different than it is for people. God is not seen as something bigger than me or above me, God is my equal. I can feel that my heart wants to be special to God. My heart wants intimacy and closeness with God at a depth that no one else can have. This might sound egoic, trying to get God to play favourites, but the only reason my heart wants this is because this type of relationship is my birthright. My soul isn’t a random human soul, it is a fragment of God, and so my soul is just asking for God to treat it with the intimacy and closeness it deserves, for God to recognize us as one and the same. And that is exactly what God does. This profound intimacy I’ve been experiencing with God lately is helping me build enough trust to surrender myself completely. I can see that when fana happens, there is no possibility of God doing anything against me or doing anything to hurt me, because God is my own self. I am writing all of this just to share my experience as an emissary soul. The closer I get to fana and the deeper my intimacy with God develops, the more disconnected and separate I feel from people, so it feels strange sharing this information with people, and I think it is likely to get misinterpreted or pathologized. But I still want to share it because of the rarity of an experience like this

It's not my choice how or when it happens, fana happens only through God's will. When it's time for me to go all the way, God will pull me in all the way, I can't make it happen before then

Update: From what I researched, it can be common to have a few introductory waves of fana that don't go all the way before you reach the final point and get totally consumed, especially if you have a very fearful ego (which I do), because gradually testing the waters of fana helps you become more comfortable with surrender. It sounds like once the first wave has started, it usually doesn't take more than a few weeks to 1-2 months before you go all the way. I had my first two waves of fana October 20 and 21. The next week after that was a lot of suffering and it was really painful. That weakened my ego more and exhaustion was deeper after that. Almost a week after that, I had another wave of fana come up, this time for about 3 hours. It has been 2 weeks since then, and I have been going through more deep suffering that has weakened me and pushed me to exhaustion even more. The suffering has lessened over the past couple days, and I've started to taste glimpses of surrender that I've never experienced before. My ego is definitely nearing total collapse, so I wouldn't be surprised if the next wave of fana takes me all the way. I think it is very likely to happen before the end of the month.

Check out this post for context: It's taken a lot longer than expected for Fana al Fana to happen, but it has officially started. I didn't realize this but it is common for there to be a period where you start to gradually test the waters of surrendering into God, rather than being sucked into it all at once. If it all happened at once, there would be no guarantee that I'd come on to this forum and tell anyone after it happens, because I'd be gone and not have free will anymore. But the fact that I am starting to slip into it gradually now means I can make this post before the final full collapse. Sunday night/Monday morning at 4am I started entering this really deep state of consciousness that I've never experienced before. It was a steady, constant interaction with God, like a deep psychedelic state (but sober), and different emotional pains within me were gradually being released in really slow and gentle ways. This lasted for 8 hours. My consciousness remained deep after that, but without the emotional processing. I was sure that fana would happen soon so I just kept waiting. Today I woke up around noon. My consciousness wasn't quite as deep as before, and even though the emotional processing from the other day helped, it also weakened me and made me more raw, open and vulnerable. I was feeling pain a lot more deeply than usual, I felt like I was totally at my limit, absolutely exhausted from the pain, yet still terrified of surrendering into fana. I didn't know what to do, I started crying so hard, wishing that God would take me out of this situation, but I was totally helpless. As I cried, the longing in my heart for God got so deep, and my consciousness started shifting really deeply, deeper than the day before. I got sucked into this state from 12:30pm-5:30pm where I was having this deep interaction with God, releasing more emotional pain, more resistance towards surrender. It's insane how deep my consciousness gets in these states. I've only done light doses of 5-MeO-DMT before, but it completely blows those experiences out of the water, and it's all sober. I remember hearing Leo say in the past that the regular human state of consciousness is extremely low, like at a 2 or a 3, and the 'dial' of consciousness can go endlessly deeper - to 100, 1000, 100,000, etc. I realize now that Leo really wasn't kidding. Like holy shit. It's no joke. When I'm in these states, it's crystal clear that my consciousness is the only thing that exists. I am the only one that exists in this world. There is only one universe that can awaken to itself, and that is what my consciousness is. I look around my room - the posters on my wall, my bed sheets, the rest of my room - I can feel God in all of it. It's all God. 'Tristan' is just a construction, like a knot/tangle of yarn that the universe created, waiting to be unravelled. Tristan is not awakening, there is no person awakening, and there is no other person to tell about awakening. The universe is awakening to itself, and the only one that can know that is me (this consciousness), because it's all that exists. That's it. I don't know if what I'm describing sounds overly deep, but like I said, these states of consciousness obliterate any 5-MeO-DMT experience or any other psychedelic experience I've had in the past, and it is all happening sober, and I stay in it for hours at a time. The emotional release happens slowly and gently through interacting with God while I'm in these states. God sees how terrified and broken I am, God is being super gentle and slow with me, teaching my ego that it's safe to collapse into God's arms, and then I can leave this life forever and never be tormented by it again. Eventually enough resistance will be released, total surrender will happen, and I will merge with God forever with no return. From what I researched, Fana al Fana is as deep as maha samadhi, except the body stays alive. Permanent fana al fana is only possible for emissary souls (and it always happens for them), which is a type of soul that comes to the world only once every few hundred years, and I have a massive, overwhelming amount of proof that that is what I am. From what I researched, my experiences here are 100% the beginning of fana. It will probably only take a few days for these episodes of emotional release to be done, and then the full collapse into unity with God will happen. @Leo Gura You have always doubted my spiritual path of love, and doubted that I would awaken when I said I would months ago. Once the full collapse/awakening happens, it won't be in my control to let you know that it has happened (because I'll be gone), but the collapse has begun now, so I think it's fair to say that it's happening just like I said it would. I realize in retrospect though that I shouldn't need my spiritual teacher to validate my awakenings or personal experiences. The only one that needs to see the truth of them is me. Depending on you to validate them would be me handing over my authority to an illusion, to a creation of my own mind, so it serves me more for other people (especially my spiritual teacher) to doubt my experiences, because all that matters is that I know in my heart what is true for me based on my own direct experiences. 2 hours before entering the start of fana (2 hours before that first 8 hour period on Sunday night), this crazy synchronicity happened. I decided to look up this kids show I remembered, for nostalgic reasons, and I picked a random episode to watch, not knowing which one it was. In this episode, Toopy plays this 'the great Toopy' character, and it's literally an analogy for God. Especially at 2:22 - he says "look, just like I said. The great toopy knows everything". It's literally God saying to me "see, you're awakening, just like I said you would" because God told me on an MDMA trip back in March that fana would happen. Watch the whole episode and think of Toopy as an analogy for God. It's insane how accurate of an analogy this is for my experience. But anyways, I don't think I'll respond much to this thread because I need to stay focused inwards, but yeah, things are happening!!

In formless, post-physical-death unity with God, there is of course still endless love and bliss and all of that, like existing in an endless orgasm, right? It’s not like going to sleep where there is literally no experience at all?

@Razard86 @Leo Gura Another thing to add, Leo talks about how you are the ultimate authority, how direct experience is number one, and no one can tell you about your own reality better than yourself. From everything that has gone on for me in my life, I have sufficient evidence for it to be reasonable for me to expect awakening in my specific case, even if in most cases you can't predict awakening. "You have to save yourself from so many good-intentioned people, do-gooders, who are constantly advising you to be this, to be that. Listen to them and thank them. They don't mean any harm; but harm is what happens. You just listen to your own heart. That is your only teacher. In the real journey of life, your own intuition is your only teacher." - Osho

@Razard86 I think what you and Leo are saying about not being able predict or will awakening to happen is true for 99.9999% of people, but there are rare cases where God chooses people and intentionally beings specific souls back to itself, and in that case the awakening becomes predictable. That is largely what the path of Love is - on this path your heart is intimately connected to the love of God, and that love gradually pulls you into awakening and reunion, sometimes without the person having to put any effort into it at all, which is how it has been for me. I have done almost no spiritual practice in my life, I have only suffered like crazy. I am on the verge of permanent ego death, I have an extremely deep connection with existential love, my life is so deeply led by divine guidance that I am powerless to being able to get out of it or change anything. The more time that goes on, the more my ego dissolves and the closer I get to awakening, even though I put zero effort into making it happen. I have so obviously been chosen by God for some specific purpose, i have had direct communication from the divine that i will be reaching union with God, so I would be a fool to doubt all of that, and to think that my awakening wouldn't happen and I would be left hanging. Watch this video I posted here if you want to - it is a detailed explanation of my spiritual path and exactly what kind of awakening I appear to be heading towards

@Human Mint Please read this and tell me if you think going for a run would help me. It's like getting into a high-speed car crash and trying to soothe it with a band-aid I do enjoy exercise but I have stopped it over the years, because my mental health is so bad that leaving the house and exercising only makes me feel worse, not better

@Natasha Tori Maru Because in the scene there's a boy and a girl, and you're the girl lol

Hahaha That's @Leo Gura at the beginning coming to get @mmKay and @Natasha Tori Maru from the non-mod pool and offering them a chocolate bar. @Natasha Tori Maru decides to throw it in the pool with the non-mods before they leave. That's me at 0:56

If you could create your own psychedelic with any qualities you want, what would it look like? Consider things like the amount of visuals/type of visuals, body effects, duration, how gentle or intense it is, what the overall feeling signatures of it would be, what it could be used for (profound awakenings, emotional healing, contemplation, etc). Consider any unique experiences you've had on psychedelics in the past that you would want to add as a normal part of this psychedelic, and consider combining traits you like from different psychedelics into this new substance. Don't say things like 'gives you instant enlightenment' or other things like that. Make it at least somewhat realistic. Give it a name if you want to.

I thought I saw some chocolate in the main pool. But it wasn’t chocolate😭

@Breakingthewall Makes me think of: "The lover is a veil, all is Beloved. Beloved lives. The lover is a corpse." - Rumi