Tristan12

Very interesting trip, I enjoyed reading it

Update on my situation: I did MDMA today. I had the idea to take it, but I didn't want to, because it can be addictive and harmful. The last time I took it (6 days ago) was only because I was going to kill myself so I didn't care, so I didn't see any reason to take it again. However, I had this intuitive sense that I should do it. There wasn't any reason for me to take It other than for the pleasure of it, but I still had this intuition that I should take it. This quote started playing in my mind: "Intellect is always cautious and advises, "beware too much ecstasy", whereas love says 'oh never mind! Take the plunge!'. I still felt like it wasn't a good idea, like by doing it I'm risking getting addicted, but then I had the feeling that again I am too afraid of harming my life. I don't trust that the universe will take care of me and make things work out, and so I am being overly cautious. So I ended up taking it only because I wanted to follow my intuition. When I measured the first scoop, it was 80mg. I didn't want to do too much, I wanted to do 60mg, but I was having such a hard time trying to scoop some out and bring it to 60mg, that I eventually I just said never mind, and I felt like this was also a sign from the universe, so I stuck with that larger dose. (It ended up being a perfect dose). I won't go through the details of the whole trip, but basically, it ended up giving me a huge amount of insight on what I need to do moving forwards with my life. I never thought of MDMA as being a substance with a lot of intelligence to it, I saw it more as something you take for pleasure, but the amount of insights I got was crazy. I don't think the insights were coming from the drug, I think what happened is that the love and pleasure of MDMA is a very similar frequency to my connection to existential love, and the two of them blending together allowed me to access a crazy amount of existential love, in ways that I've never felt it before, and I was simultaneously getting tons of insights and information on my relationship with this love and what I need to do moving forwards in my life. Because of how deep the love was, I also had moments where I could feel myself about to awaken. There was a moment where I felt like I was about to have a God-realization deeper than anything I've ever experienced on 5-MeO-DMT, which is crazy. I won't go into detail on what I learned from the trip, but overall it was incredible and felt absolutely amazing, and it gave me so much guidance. I didn't even want to do MDMA, and logically it seemed like a bad idea for me to be doing that again considering how susceptible I am to addiction, but I trusted my intuition and did the trip, and it helped me a ton.

@Vynce I don't think a spontaneous awakening like Eckhart Tolle is what will happen to me, but I do think my healing will lead to awakening. From all of the insight I've gotten about my life path and about my progression towards existential love, I think the universe has prevented me from healing all this time to keep me suffering and to keep deepening my connection to existential love, and I think I will soon reach a point where I am finally able to heal, and I will simultaneously lose myself to existential love and merge with it, and in that way it will be a form of awakening. This really seems to be how things are going to happen, and I think my life has been destined to play out this way

I remember hearing Leo talk about this in one of his episodes a long time ago, which is why I'm surprised that he doesn't see that my life seems to be leading towards the same kind of thing. I guess there's no guarantees so you can't just assume that that kind of thing is going to happen, especially from an outside perspective where you don't know a whole lot about my life. But I have reason to believe it will, and so I'm going to follow my heart and do whatever I feel deep down is right for me.

I did 4.5 years of sober healing work before ever trying psychedelics. None of it helped me. I'm sure there are other sober methods out there I could try, but at this point psychedelics feel like my best option, and I feel like I have the right to be able to work with them after all the time I've spent doing sober work. I'm not just looking for an easy way out. I think I have a pretty unique situation with all of the spiritual development I've gained from my suffering, and the connection to existential love I've developed. I think my awakening and healing will likely happen simultaneously, so it's not unreasonable to try to awaken on 5meo and heal at the same time. I think that's been destined to happen, that's what my life seems to be leading towards.

I receive a lot of direction and guidance from my higher self. I don't know what the most accurate term would be for it, if it's God or not, I just call it my higher self. I realize that ultimately this is my own self, but the way I interact with it is a duality and so I still treat it as being separate from me, and I don't see any problem with that because all that matters is that I receive its guidance. I really don't care at this point. I am so done with life that all I want to do is kill myself. If I do something that fucks me up and ruins me, I could care less. From what I wrote in my original post in this thread, I realized that I have the opportunity to surrender my human self, and let my higher self take over and direct my life. That way I can stay alive without my human self/ego having to be here and direct things. My only intention at this point is to follow my heart, follow my intuition, surrender myself to my higher self as much as possible. It will be in control of my life, the decisions it makes and where my life goes are up to it. If it ends up being a huge mistake, if I end up hurting myself and killing myself, I am perfectly fine with that outcome because I have no desire to be here anyways. I truly believe that what I'm doing is right for me. I appreciate your response and you trying to help, but I'm going to follow my intuition, and nothing else.

I'm sure it is, but it's hard to stop those thoughts. I have a lot of fear and resistance within me from trauma, so I naturally think in fearful ways, and I need reassurance to help me trust that it will be safe to surrender, which is why I think taking baby steps and gradually surrendering more and more is my best option.

My experiences with 5-MeO-DMT so far have been intimately tied together with this higher self or higher intelligence that has been guiding and directing my life. When I use 5-MeO-DMT it often feels like my higher self is using it to communicate with me and guide me. So that makes me trust that I will be okay to surrender completely on it, and that nothing catastrophic will happen, for the same reason that I haven't been able to kill myself. Maybe in the future what you're saying could happen, but I trust that at this point in my life I'll be okay

@Yimpa What do you mean? What's going on?

@Breakingthewall I'm just saying, I believe I have good reason to trust the guidance of the universe at this point and trust that I will be okay, considering everything that has been going on in my life. That's sort of what I've been saying throughout this whole thread

Lol. I guess I say that in regard to my specific life path. I feel like total surrender is a necessary step for my healing and spiritual development, so if I work towards that and achieve that, the universe isn't going to give me an experience that fucks up my life a whole lot more, in the same way that it won't let me kill myself and throw everything away.

That's sort of the answer I came up with myself. I feel like there is no guarantee that I won't have a bad experience, but I think it's about trusting that the universe has my best interest in mind, and that whatever happens as a result of surrendering and merging with infinite consciousness will be for the best, and I will be okay in the end. You surrender to allow whatever needs to happen to happen. There is no point resisting that. I have been moving in baby steps like you suggest and it works well for me. I think it's very much about building up trust that I will be okay, because I have so much fear and resistance within me and it makes it so hard to let go of control. Something I saw in my 5meo trip the other day is that I live my life thinking that me being a human is what's real, and that doing 5meo and reaching a high consciousness state is just a temporary state, but in reality, the opposite is true. The high consciousness states you reach on 5meo is what's true and real, and seeing myself as a human in my day to day life is an illusion. Because of that, seeing myself as this human that is so afraid of everything is something I'm imagining. When I leave human life on 5meo, and I see that my true self does not have any fear, I need to see that this is my true state. I am God imagining myself as this terrified human. All of this fear and resistance I hold is an illusion that I as God am stuck in, and when I realize that, I see that in reality I am safe and I don't have to be afraid, and so I can totally surrender and release all of this fear I hold. I didn't get to that point, but I could see the potential for it happening. It was uncomfortable, because I was trying to surrender and go deeper, but at the same time I was afraid of letting go completely. What if I start screaming and running around? What if I embarrass myself or get in trouble? I can't control myself if I let go completely. But it was like it was calling me saying "Tristan... Tristan... wake up" I could start to see that I am something so much bigger than my human self, and for me to fully leave my human self and embody what I really am is such a strange and unfamiliar feeling, especially when my human self is always so afraid and wants to always stay with what is comfortable and familiar. It wasn't a scary experience, I was just wrestling with myself, squirming around, trying to be okay with letting go. But I made progress through doing that, and I could probably go deeper next time. Baby steps like you said

Yeah I'm not asking about this for anything related to suicide. It's for progressing my spiritual development, and healing. If I totally surrender (on 5-MeO-DMT for example) and reach ego death, is there any possibility that I could reach some deeply painful state that I could not get out of? You said that you would reach infinite love, but is there a possibility of going anywhere else? I'd imagine there are plenty of experiences that can be had beyond ego death. What about insanity for example? I've heard people talk about experiencing that on psychedelics and it's terrifying. If I totally surrender, could I fall into that and not be able to get myself out? I have also heard that on the other side of ego death, there is no fear, because you're dead, so maybe there would be nothing to worry about.

Thanks for the advice, but it doesn't really give me assurance that I would be okay on the other side of full surrender. I think it can be a good strategy to deal with negative thought spirals though

@Leo Gura @Inliytened1 Can you or anyone else help me out with this? I am working on getting better at surrendering because I can tell it is something I need to learn how to do at this point. When I did 5-MeO-DMT the other day, I was trying to surrender deeper, and I was getting better at it, but the main fear that I have is that if I totally let go of control, 100%, and merge with the universe, then I could end up in some painful hell realm, and not have any control to be able to get myself out of it. What would you say in response to this? I want to hear from someone who has gone through ego death and been on the other side of full surrender, to know if I really have anything to worry about by letting go completely.