Tristan12

I went to one of the highest rated ayahuasca centres out there. They were great. Their shamans were Shipibo, the centre was in the Amazon in Peru. https://www.arkanainternational.com/ I was there for 5 weeks. I did 16 ayahuasca ceremonies, 6 Bufo ceremonies, and a plant diet for one week. I had a lot of issues connecting with the medicine at first. I tried to control the trips too much, I would think too much, it was hard for me to surrender. Things only started to work for me in my last week there, and I had a series of ceremonies with massive amounts of purging. I have an idea of why the healing might not have stuck for me. I think it has to do with parts of me resisting other parts, and not allowing the emotions to integrate. It's surprising because I thought ayahuasca would have been intelligent enough to notice that and resolve that, but maybe I was still controlling too much and still had issues connecting with the medicine. Over the past week I've been using my prior psychology knowledge + working with psychedelics to try and get an understanding of why my healing didn't stick, and I feel like I'm starting to get somewhere with it. So I'm hoping I'll be able to heal myself. Even though the healing didn't stick with ayahuasca, I worked with it for so long that surely it must have healed me in some ways. Maybe there was healing done at a much deeper level that I'm not aware of, and I need to take care of my main emotional issues with the work I'm doing now. I don't think me losing my results has anything to do with negative thoughts. When I left the retreat, a lot of my emotional issues were gone, but a few days later they started to come back, and I didn't change anything about how I was thinking or the kinds of thoughts I was having.

Not much honestly. Most trips were very bodily, like a lot of physical discomfort, vomiting, groaning, and then the more mental or emotional trips I had were mostly different forms of purging (crying, groaning, shaking, etc). The few insights or realizations I had weren't really things that I could apply to my everyday life. I took very deep and extensive notes on my trips, and spent hours writing out trip reports, so I have record of what happened and I could go back and look at them, but off the top of my head I can't think of anything I learned that I could apply to my everyday life, at least anything that would help me heal. But maybe it would be valuable to look through my trip reports and contemplate what I could apply from my trips to my everyday life, and maybe I could get new ideas for tools I could use from that.

Were there legal repercussions for being on a substance?

That's what people keep saying, but I don't understand what that means. I spent years doing emotional work on myself without psychedelics before ever doing ayahuasca. Now that I've done it, I don't feel any different, and I am back in the same place of having to do sober work. That's good to know

@Sincerity It's hard to understand exactly what you're saying, because I don't know if I have the right idea about the things you're talking about and what you're referring to. Both you and @QandC say the following thing: I'm assuming you're talking about physical death here. That's what I was referring to originally. My idea of what happens once the physical body dies is that the ego dissolves, you leave the dream of life, and you merge with God and infinity, like a water drop falling into the ocean. That is my idea of what happens when you die from what I've learned about spirituality. If this is wrong, then please explain what happens after death. All of the suffering I've been through over the years has led to me developing a connection with existential love, and when I access existential love, I can feel my ego fading away, and the love getting stronger, and that effect increases more over time as I suffer more. It feels like I have been meant to stay stuck in suffering for years to chip away at my ego, and connect me to existential love. All of this has also made me significantly more interested in the spiritual path, and I'm barely interested in material goals at this point (beyond what's needed for basic survival). It's clear to me that I've gotten a lot of spiritual development out of the suffering I've been through, I have a strong intuition that all of that was meant to happen and that's why I've suffered so much to begin with, so it doesn't resonate and I don't agree when you say that I have the wrong idea about needing to suffer, or that it was all for nothing. How do you know? Isn't it a common occurrence throughout history that people go through massive amounts of suffering, which ultimately leads them to a massive awakening one day? I have already gotten a lot of spiritual development from the suffering I've been through. Of course I don't know if it would lead to a huge awakening or not, but I don't see why it would be unreasonable to think that it might. I don't think that more suffering and then a massive awakening needs to happen at this point, but I'm just saying that I don't think I'm unreasonable to have suspected that it might.

What do you mean? Do you mean that the effects can linger if you spend too much time with something like 5meo at once?

Thank you guys

When taking 5-MeO-DMT or something similar, is it safe or okay to take another dose as you are starting to come down? I am very cautious with the dosage I take, as to not overdo it, so the other day when I was doing 5-MeO-DMT, I waited about 10 minutes before deciding to take another hit, but at that point I was already part way through the trip. Also, when I was farther into the trip and it was close to ending, I really liked where I was at and what I was working on, so I wanted the trip to continue, so I took another hit, but I didn't know if it was a good idea. Is it okay to take more doses in the middle or near the end of short-lasting trips like 5-MeO-DMT, to make it go on longer?

@Sincerity That gives me a lot to think about. Thank you for your response

I don't think so, for this reason: When I suffer for years, the pain I feel on a daily basis is coming from a core trauma/emotional wound. Why would I have to heal from the pain that wound creates for years, on top of the original wound itself? To me it makes more sense that you would heal the core wound, and then all of the pain and symptoms coming from that would be healed as a result of that. That's the point of a root solution. Why would you also need to heal all the symptoms and pain you've gone through over the years on top of that? In that case, you would think that you would need emotional healing for every single day of your life, for every little bit of pain you go through

@shree Thank you. I especially like what you said about psychedelics. I used a foam roller on one of my recent trips and I feel like that really helped me to release a lot of blocked emotions in my body. I think what you suggested is another good technique to use

No, I didn't I say it that way because the pain I experience is so complex and coming from so many different sources. It's become this way over time as my primary issues became more severe. The pain of it all seems to have broken down and degraded my mind to a point where every little thing hurts me and causes me suffering, and it's all so intricate and complex. I could articulate exactly what causes me pain, how I experience pain on a daily basis, where it comes from, but it would take a massive amount of writing to do that, which is why I haven't written it here The plans I have for what I want to do with my life are based on my passions and what I love. There isn't anything else that motivates or interests me more (at least that I've discovered so far). This comment makes me think of parts work though. The idea of exploring your mind to see if there are parts of you with opposing feelings and motivations, that may be holding you back or creating resistance, and working with them to create harmony. I think this is what I need to figure out why I haven't been able to heal and why my results aren't sticking, but I think this could be useful for me in other ways as well, to get a deeper understanding of my psychology.

This means a lot to me, thank you. I forget that I have my channel linked in my signature, and honestly it's kind of embarrassing that I have videos talking about psychology and emotional healing, when I've spent years trying to heal myself and haven't succeeded, and I'm barely surviving. But it means a lot that you still view it in a positive light, and you see my potential. I think I'm too hard on myself expecting myself to be some psychology master when I'm 24, and on top of that the extreme emotional issues I've been dealing with over the years have definitely made me a lot less effective at my work than I could have been. Your response reminds me of my potential, and I know I could do something really profound with my life and my work down the road if I manage to hang in there, and as you said, learn the lessons that this chapter of my life is trying to teach me. Yeah, I don't think what I said in my original post about a large dose of 5meo would be a good idea, so I'm not going to do that until I get better. But I do plan to continue to work with psychedelics in smaller doses, for healing and emotional release, along with other kinds of work to try and figure out why my healing isn't sticking, and hopefully that will allow me to resolve things. Thank you for your response

@RendHeaven Thank you, especially for the descriptions, that’s really helpful

I've developed a deep connection to existential love from all the suffering I've been through over the years. It gets deeper and deeper over time and so I feel like I have good reason to suspect that this chapter of my life might be meant to end with a massive awakening. What I wrote about using psychedelics to try and have a massive awakening, that was just an idea. It doesn't mean I'm actually going to do that, or that I've been trying to do that with psychedelics in the past. I don't think I'm too spiritually immature at all to be taking psychedelics. How dare you say my wish to die is ridiculous. I'm in an incredible amount of suffering, I have been for years. If I desire to die, to leave this world, become one with God, then that's how I feel, and I don't appreciate you saying it's ridiculous. I don't care if you didn't mean to put me down. You don't speak to a highly suicidal person like that.