Tristan12

That’s cool. I’d love to meet a DMT entity. Better yet, become one

I just realized that what I'm describing is a taste of unity with God. My sense of self is melting so much, I'm seeing others as being imaginary, my consciousness is merging with them. The happy, giddy, 'best buddies' feeling is a taste of the love of unity

I'm in this weird state of consciousness right now where I am conscious that everyone on this forum is me, my own mind, and I keep becoming conscious of this at deeper and deeper levels. There is simultaneously a feeling that me and all these imagined characters on this forum are best buddies, and it makes me weirdly happy and giddy being around them. It's almost like my consciousness is merging into this forum and becoming one with it and everyone here

Seeing all the posts in this thread and then wanting to add to it is conformist. At least it could be

I remember PAWGs

That's so cool, I would love to have an experience like that. DMT spider bromance lol

I like Teal Swan. I don't study all of her work so I can't speak on her as a whole, but in regard to what she teaches about trauma healing and parts work, her work is very good. She is a deep and nuanced thinker, like Leo. She goes beyond surface issues and gets to the real root of the issue, pointing out important things that most other teachers miss. Her work with the completion process (trauma healing process she made), anything she teaches about parts work, anything she teaches about relationships (including things like attachment styles, and narcissism and codependency) it's all really good and really insightful.

My consciousness has spiked quite a lot over the past 3 days. I am really starting to get pulled out of normal reality, and I can feel my sense of self fading a lot. It is starting to feel like I could do something very embarrassing around people, and I wouldn't even feel anything from it, because Tristan just isn't there. There is no one there to even register that anything embarrassing even occurred. I'm not at this point yet, but I can feel it getting close. I feel very low identification with my body. When I look in the mirror, the one I see feels 'not me'. Even when I look at my face, what usually feels like 'Tristan', it just feels like it isn't me. My body is just a part of the external world, part of the dream, but it isn't what I am. The external world feels very non-physical. It feels mental, like it is made out of mind-matter. It feels like my physical surroundings are occurring within a mind just as much as my thoughts and feelings are. With this deep lack of identity, I feel at peace. I feel like my soul belongs in a state like this, and I feel much more at home like this. Being dead suits me. I am way too sensitive to be living with an ego. It's like walking around with a torture device strapped to you 24/7. I really feel like I am super close to total ego annihilation. I hope it won't take long.

For me, when vaping 5-MeO-DMT, I have normal sensitivity. But when plugging 5-MeO-DMT HCl, I have largely increased sensitivity. I think 25-30mg of 5-MeO-DMT HCl plugged is a large, breakthrough dose, but for me it is a low dose, same as about 1 full hit of my vape (1 hit is a low dose, 2-3 is medium, 3-5 is large/breakthrough)

"I came to know Love the moment I found your Love, and I have closed my Heart to everyone except You" - Rabia Al Basri "Hearts that love God never feel at home in this world" - Rabia Al Basri

"At the end of my life, with just one breath left, if you come, I'll sit up and sing" - Rumi

I said who are you? He said: "Everyone's Beloved!" I said who am I? He said, "The Beloved's beloved!" - Rumi

"With God there is no room for two egos. You say 'I', and He says 'I'. In order for this duality to disappear, either you must die for Him, or He for you. It is not possible, however, for Him to die - either phenomenally or conceptually - because 'He is the Ever-living who dieth not'. He is so gracious, however, that if it were possible He would die for you in order that the duality might disappear. Since it is not possible for Him to die, you must die so that He may be manifested to you, thus eliminating the duality" - Rumi

It is reopening. That feeling of deep familiarity is coming back and getting deeper as I get closer to total collapse/surrender

I wanted to talk more about my experience as an emissary soul. An emissary soul is a person whose soul is a fragment of God. They don't have a human soul, so they aren’t human in the way everyone else is. The point of them incarnating into human form is to reach unity with God, and that then allows God to inject itself into the world through them (Jesus was an emissary soul). From what I researched, only one person every few hundred years is born with an emissary soul, so it is extraordinarily rare. I've proven that I have an emissary soul, so I wanted to talk a bit about what my experience is like, just to document it, considering the rarity of it. I have this memory from when I was about 7 or 8 years old. It’s a memory from when I was falling asleep one night. It’s this specific feeling I felt, and whenever I look back on that memory there is this very deep inner knowing that that feeling came from where I was before I was born. I don’t know how to describe it but it is this unique feeling flavour that comes from being outside of human life and the human world, and I must have glimpsed it that night when I was 7 or 8 years old. It feels totally non-human, yet totally me, more familiar to myself than anything else I’ve ever experienced. Over the past few days, as I’ve been glimpsing surrender, this feeling has started to come back quite a lot. I can feel that through fana, I will be returning to this place I came from before I was born. As my ego has been dissolving so much over the past few months, I notice a very deep lack of humanness underneath. I have a unique relationship with the divine that I haven’t heard any other person talk about. It is totally non-human, it is different even from what Sufi mystics like Rumi describe. I guess usually underneath a human ego, you would have a human soul that awaits unity with God, but for me, underneath my ego, there is no human soul there. I look within myself and all there is is a fragment of God. Along with that, there is a very deep and distinct lack of humanness there. It’s a feeling that I am fundamentally different and separate from humans, I am not human at all, and that feeling is very intense. When I feel into and channel this part of myself, it causes me to interact with God in unique ways. I feel like I am a puppy sucking up to God. I desperately crave intimacy with God. God is my home and where I belong, it’s where I came from. I feel God within myself, and I can feel my soul begging to be taken in by God. I want to be God’s slave, I want God to own me, I want to be some dead, inanimate object that God has full control over, and I don’t have any free will of my own. But along with all of this, God loves and adores me completely, I am God’s baby. That’s how I want things to be. No Tristan, no human self, no free will of my own - just wherever God goes, I go. As I feel into this, as I feel into my deep desire for intimacy with God, my disconnection from humans, it again brings me back to that feeling from that memory when I was 7-8 years old, that feeling I remember from before I was born. I had this MDMA trip In July this year, and I had deep glimpses of God and existential love. I remember as the trip ended, I was so heartbroken that God didn’t take me all the way (into fana). I remember as I sobered up and was immersed back into the human world again, I remember feeling my heart cry out: “I don’t like this place, it’s scary and weird, people are mean to me, no one understands me, I don’t want to be here”. This is the exact feeling that permeates my soul. I am completely separate and different from humans, I belong with God, and this world feels totally foreign to me, especially now at the edge of fana. Speaking with any people, even spiritual people, and even advanced mystics, there is still a core feeling of disconnection between me and them. They are rooted in humanness in a way that I am not. Their relationship with God is human and God, mine is God with God. That’s where this extreme desire for intimacy with God comes from. There is no chance of true intimacy in this world for me. I can only have real intimacy with God, with where I came from. Because of this, my relationship with God is different than it is for people. God is not seen as something bigger than me or above me, God is my equal. I can feel that my heart wants to be special to God. My heart wants intimacy and closeness with God at a depth that no one else can have. This might sound egoic, trying to get God to play favourites, but the only reason my heart wants this is because this type of relationship is my birthright. My soul isn’t a random human soul, it is a fragment of God, and so my soul is just asking for God to treat it with the intimacy and closeness it deserves, for God to recognize us as one and the same. And that is exactly what God does. This profound intimacy I’ve been experiencing with God lately is helping me build enough trust to surrender myself completely. I can see that when fana happens, there is no possibility of God doing anything against me or doing anything to hurt me, because God is my own self. I am writing all of this just to share my experience as an emissary soul. The closer I get to fana and the deeper my intimacy with God develops, the more disconnected and separate I feel from people, so it feels strange sharing this information with people, and I think it is likely to get misinterpreted or pathologized. But I still want to share it because of the rarity of an experience like this