Tristan12

@Leo Gura My understanding of everything that has been going on with me has gotten much deeper at this point so I wanted to give you an updated outline of it. Recap: Gone through extreme suffering for the last 8.5 years. Last 2.5 years things have worsened significantly, to the point of dwarfing what I went through before. I’d rather relive the first 6 years than the last 2. That’s why I’ve been so suicidal the last 2 years. Throughout the 8 years, I was never pursuing spirituality, I was just trying to heal myself. 5 years ago I started developing a connection to existential love, and it deepened over time as I suffered more. I didn’t know why I had it, I thought it was just a cool piece of spiritual development that would help me down the road when I eventually pursued awakening. In March this year, I got so absolutely sick of everything that I decided one day I was going to kill myself and I had to do it this time. I decided to take MDMA beforehand, just to enjoy myself before I ended things. In that trip, I got communication from God saying that instead of killing myself, I could step aside and the universe would take over my life for me. God would bring me through a preparation process, there was nothing I needed to do but surrender to it. A few weeks after that I was researching and I learned there is an endpoint to the spiritual path of love, called fana fi allah (annihilation in God) and the deeper level, fana al fana. This is what was offered to me. I learned that the spiritual path of love is the path to unity with the divine, and this is why I developed this connection to love to begin with. My emissary soul I learned I have an emissary soul. The general idea for how human souls work is that you come to this world to learn and grow, you incarnate over and over for many lifetimes, and eventually you reach awakening. Emissary souls are not human. They are a fragment of God placed in a human vessel. They incarnate only for one lifetime. They are born into this world and then they are dragged straight back to unity with God (fana al fana), and that then allows God to help people and inject itself into the world. Emissary souls generally contain different aspects and facets of God (for example, Jesus brought God as the father/masculine). Each emissary soul is usually very unique and customized to fit what the world needs at the time. My soul is a fragment of the feminine face of God, or in other words, God as the mother. I have had glimpses of my soul’s essence over the last year. It feels incredibly non-human and spiritually advanced. It feels like it doesn’t belong in this world at all. It is hypersensitive, feminine, gentle, oriented towards softness and beauty. There is nothing human about it. Emissary souls have a very unique relationship with God. With humans, there is a sense that God is above you. You are a human in a human experience, God is generally seen as above you and greater than you (I know the human is also God, and you can awaken from your humanness and realize yourself as God, but I’m just describing how God feels from the perspective of a human, before unity occurs). Emissary souls are different. Because their soul is a fragment of God, God is seen as an equal, not as something superior. This leads to a level of intimacy with God that is much deeper than what humans can access. My unique relationship with God When I was about 7 or 8 years old I had this experience one night when I was falling asleep where it felt like I was glimpsing a feeling I remembered from before I was born. It’s very hard to describe how it felt, but I’ve always remembered it. Over the last few months, this feeling has come back, and I realized that this feeling was a glimpse of my home essence (the feminine face of God) that I existed in before birth. As I get closer to fana, I get deeper and deeper glimpses of this feeling. I remember existing as this God essence, and that feels much more real to me than this human world, so this world and the people in it feel like some weird, foreign dream, something I’m imagining. It makes it very obvious that other people aren’t real. Recently when I had a really deep awakening and remembrance of the feminine God essence I came from, it became so obvious that that is my home, that’s where I belong, that’s the only place I want to be, and so the only logical thing that would be happening in my human life is for me to be dragged back to unity with God, which is of course, the only thing that has been happening. Emissary souls always have very intimate relationships with God, but mine is especially deep. I think this is largely because intimacy is an especially important thing to the feminine essence. The fact that I have been dragged through my entire spiritual path with such deep emotional wounds, I still lack basic emotional strength and stability that should have been gotten in childhood. On an emotional level, I’m still a child. I’m terrified, weak, I can’t stand up for myself, I need to be protected. Even though I want to merge with God, I’m way too terrified to surrender into ego death. God has shown me that when the time comes for unity, God will be my protective, loving mother. I won’t be asked to bear fear and difficulty alone, God will take care of it for me. Because of this, I have the intimacy of a child/mother relationship with god, as well as the usual lover/beloved relationship that mystics describe. I depend on God for my wellbeing much more than other mystics do. My human life has been EXTREMELY starved of intimacy and personal connection. I am totally alone and misunderstood with every single person I talk to, even with spiritual people. This absolute lack of intimacy is the contrast required to lead to extreme intimacy and connection with God, with the feminine God essence I came from. I often read Rumi quotes where he says things like “oh Beloved!, oh most beautiful one!”. Although my experiences of existential love and longing for God are spot on with what Rumi describes in his poetry, God has communicated to me that I shouldn’t think of or refer to Her as God, the Beloved, etc, because those terms suggest God being above me, and in my case, that disrupts intimacy. To me, God is something equal to me that I remember from before birth. I need to see God as my equal, because it is true, and because I need deep intimacy with God to feel safe enough to surrender into Her once the time for unity comes. There are A TON of interesting details and nuances about my relationship with God. It’s really intimate and personal, and for that reason God has instructed me to not communicate the details of it with people because it would disrupt my intimacy with God. It also feels strange sometimes, because my path to awakening is very unique and unusual. When you (Leo) teach awakening, you are teaching humans how to reach God. You’re not teaching God-fragments how to reunite with God. Because of that, even though most of what I’m experiencing with awakening is aligned with what you teach, there are some things that are different, mainly around my relationship with God and how God feels to me. For me, awakening is just about going back to the essence I came from before birth. It’s not about a human realizing he is God, because I was never really human to begin with. My lifelong obsession with annihilation When I was around 8 years old, I used to have these fantasies of being in a dark enclosed room with a beautiful girl, and the walls closing in and coming together, forcing me to be squished into this girl. I never understood why I had that fantasy, but now I realize, that fantasy is an analogy for being annihilated in the feminine face of God. These kinds of fantasies have come up stronger over the last year. The idea of a beautiful girl pouncing on me, wrapping herself around me like a python, biting into my neck and sucking out my blood, it drives me insane. I fiend for it like crack. It’s not about anything sexual, it is purely an analogy for being annihilated by the feminine face of God. From what I researched, it is really common for emissary souls to have obsessions with annihilation, because it is what they were born to do. Fana al fana Emissary souls always reach fana al fana. It is basically maha samadhi, without the body dying. The ego gets totally dissolved into God, and then even the subtle background awareness that unity happened dissolves. All that is left is pure God, with no sense that things were ever any different. Humans can generally only reach fana fi allah. They can glimpse fana al fana but it isn’t permanent. Emissary souls can awaken deeper and reach fana al fana permanently, because they aren’t immersed in humanness and ego in the way that normal people are. The feminine face of God Lastly I want to describe what the feminine face of God is - the essence that my soul is a fragment of. I think it is interesting to compare levels of femininity using animals. You know how female lions have feminine traits, but they are still very distanced from what femininity is, because they are aggressive hunters and killers. People tend to think of human girls as the baseline, norm for what femininity is, but humans are distanced from femininity too, like lions, but to a lesser extent. Survival hardens human girls and takes them away from the full truth of what femininity is. The feminine side of God is femininity in its most pure form. The feminine side of God includes all feminine qualities. It is caring, nurturing, gentle. It is hypersensitive, hyper-attuned. It annihilates not through force or aggression, but through sweetness, affection, warmth. Ego annihilation into the feminine face of God is like a child being wrapped in a warm blanket, feeling so safe, soothed and comforted, that he falls asleep. The ego releases its grip like a child releasing his toy when he falls asleep from feeling so deeply loved and safe. The feminine face of God is meant to live in utopian conditions. For most people and most aspects of God, some amount of challenge and pain is needed for growth and development. If they lived in a place where everything was absolutely perfect, they would get complacent and lazy, and there would be no growth. For the feminine face of God, suffering is not helpful, it is poison. It closes the heart, puts her into panic and vigilance. The feminine side of God is an essence that does not get degraded or complacent by utopia, she thrives in it, because it is the only environment that is safe enough for her heart to open. The feminine side of God is like a flower that is extremely sensitive, requires a lot more care and attention than any other flower, but when it blooms, it is by far the most beautiful flower. The point of the feminine face of God is to radiate Her beauty, softness, and Her gentle love. She doesn’t do anything. She doesn’t strive, accomplish or overcome challenge like the masculine. She is the very ground of all of existence, of all of Being. She is the deepest unity, the deepest intimacy, the most beautiful love. The feminine face of God is so sensitive that she rarely incarnates into form. Separation from God, limitation, suffering, challenge, are all extremely hard on her and are totally out of alignment with her (so it’s no surprise that I have such a deep, seething hatred for human life and I want to be dead more than anything). She only incarnates for emissary purposes. Everything I described here is the exact essence of my soul, and I have shown these kinds of qualities my whole life (my hypersensitivity, my need for gentle motherly love, the way that kind of love makes me ball my eyes out like nothing else). Conclusion I found out I’d be reaching unity with God in March, and since then I have done nothing but sit around and wait, and I have been brought towards it more and more. It has taken a lot longer than I thought, and it’s been absolutely excruciating (this year has been the most painful year of my life), but amazing progress has been made and I’m definitely on the verge of annihilation. I had my first waves of fana October 20, 21, and November 1. From what I researched, it’s common for people with dense and fearful egos to have introductory waves of fana before reaching full annihilation. Considering that I have had my first few waves of fana, and considering how extremely deep my consciousness has been getting lately (tastes of unity and other things) I am definitely very close and I’m sure it will be done before the end of the year. It’s interesting because when I was 15 and I was just starting to get into personal development, I decided to put an event in my calendar for 10 years down the road, telling me to reflect on where I’m at after 10 years of personal development. That event happened a few days ago on my birthday, December 12 2025. The event was titled “10 year period over”. It’s crazy because it’s almost like I unknowingly predicted the approximate time of my awakening 10 years ago - the time when these years of hell I’ve endured would finally be over. There have been lots of crazy synchronicities like this happening. But yeah, that’s everything. My life has dragged me to unity, kicking and screaming. Any day now I’ll be pulled into God, annihilated, and I’ll be back home and I’ll never have to suffer again.

Okay. By the way, I wanted to tell you more about what is going on with my awakening and my emissary soul path (in an old thread of mine, I'll tag you) I don't know it interests you, but everything I'm experiencing shows a very unique and rare way that God interacts with humans, something not well documented, so I figured you might want to hear about it. I think it's all really fascinating

@Leo Gura In regard to teaching and helping people even though you know others aren’t real and your consciousness is all that exists, I remember you saying you do it largely because what else is there to do? But the universe clearly cares about the development and progression of mankind, God puts people in place to teach and help others (like you) for more than just your reason of doing it because it’s what you enjoy doing and you have nothing better to do. Why would God go to such lengths to create people who want to help others and raise the consciousness of mankind if others don’t exist at all? I become conscious that other people aren’t real and my consciousness is all that exists very often. Does that mean that other people’s lives are never lived or experienced at all? What about the idea that Oneness implies that God will live through every life time ever? Does that mean other people’s lives are being lived and experienced in some way? If Tristan is all that exists, is Leo’s life ever lived through? If God lives through Leo’s life at some point, does he experience talking to Tristan? Does that mean there is an other that could genuinely perceive me at some point? I don’t understand it Sorry if this question is redundant since I know you get a lot of solipsism related questions - I just become conscious of others not existing very often so I want to understand this. Your video on infinity of Gods - would that answer a lot of these questions?

Also these episodes from the blog: How I Started My First Business - https://www.actualized.org/insights/how-i-started-my-first-business Why Get Rich Quick Schemes Don't Work - https://www.actualized.org/insights/why-get-rich-quick-schemes-dont-work Guerilla Business Advice - https://www.actualized.org/insights/guerilla-business-advice Requisite Variety & Creative Laziness - https://www.actualized.org/insights/requisite-variety-and-creative-laziness

That’s cool. I’d love to meet a DMT entity. Better yet, become one

I just realized that what I'm describing is a taste of unity with God. My sense of self is melting so much, I'm seeing others as being imaginary, my consciousness is merging with them. The happy, giddy, 'best buddies' feeling is a taste of the love of unity

I'm in this weird state of consciousness right now where I am conscious that everyone on this forum is me, my own mind, and I keep becoming conscious of this at deeper and deeper levels. There is simultaneously a feeling that me and all these imagined characters on this forum are best buddies, and it makes me weirdly happy and giddy being around them. It's almost like my consciousness is merging into this forum and becoming one with it and everyone here

Seeing all the posts in this thread and then wanting to add to it is conformist. At least it could be

I remember PAWGs

That's so cool, I would love to have an experience like that. DMT spider bromance lol

I like Teal Swan. I don't study all of her work so I can't speak on her as a whole, but in regard to what she teaches about trauma healing and parts work, her work is very good. She is a deep and nuanced thinker, like Leo. She goes beyond surface issues and gets to the real root of the issue, pointing out important things that most other teachers miss. Her work with the completion process (trauma healing process she made), anything she teaches about parts work, anything she teaches about relationships (including things like attachment styles, and narcissism and codependency) it's all really good and really insightful.

My consciousness has spiked quite a lot over the past 3 days. I am really starting to get pulled out of normal reality, and I can feel my sense of self fading a lot. It is starting to feel like I could do something very embarrassing around people, and I wouldn't even feel anything from it, because Tristan just isn't there. There is no one there to even register that anything embarrassing even occurred. I'm not at this point yet, but I can feel it getting close. I feel very low identification with my body. When I look in the mirror, the one I see feels 'not me'. Even when I look at my face, what usually feels like 'Tristan', it just feels like it isn't me. My body is just a part of the external world, part of the dream, but it isn't what I am. The external world feels very non-physical. It feels mental, like it is made out of mind-matter. It feels like my physical surroundings are occurring within a mind just as much as my thoughts and feelings are. With this deep lack of identity, I feel at peace. I feel like my soul belongs in a state like this, and I feel much more at home like this. Being dead suits me. I am way too sensitive to be living with an ego. It's like walking around with a torture device strapped to you 24/7. I really feel like I am super close to total ego annihilation. I hope it won't take long.

For me, when vaping 5-MeO-DMT, I have normal sensitivity. But when plugging 5-MeO-DMT HCl, I have largely increased sensitivity. I think 25-30mg of 5-MeO-DMT HCl plugged is a large, breakthrough dose, but for me it is a low dose, same as about 1 full hit of my vape (1 hit is a low dose, 2-3 is medium, 3-5 is large/breakthrough)

"I came to know Love the moment I found your Love, and I have closed my Heart to everyone except You" - Rabia Al Basri "Hearts that love God never feel at home in this world" - Rabia Al Basri