Jai

June 30 + Spiritual practice: good here. Didn't chant but went to a meeting. Good effort all around. Did extra session of WHM breathing. Also, when faced with adversity today I turned to God for strength and direction. I really did a good job of not spiraling out of control into fear, anxiety, worry, self pity, etc. I've been preparing for a situation like this, to keep a spiritual focus, and be cognizant of staying connected. I wish I wouldn't have made a mistake at work but I handled it the best I could. + Attitude of service: Wasn't stuck in self and inner turmoil. Wanted to generally be helpful. That's why my mistake at work bothers me. I caused more work for other people, the opposite of what I want. I kinda don't care about what they think, it's more about I want to be helpful and I was the opposite . Over the long haul this wont matter. With a good attitude I'll make up for it over the next couple months. It's just the next couple of days are gonna be hard. Oh yea, plus I took out the trash at the clubhouse I go to. As soon as I got there I looked for a way to be helpful. + Life habits: good. Diet was really strong. went back to bad habits yesterday and was ashamed because I like my progress. Everything else was here also. Cold showers are the norm. Can't believe that. + Freedom from fear, worry, self pity: Today was kind of a miracle. I mean I messed up big time at work. A situtation that would normally have me flipping out. But these things never really came. All my good life habits make me confident, my reliance on God keeps me focused on the bigger picture. when i had a break I did some WHM breathing to increase focus. The result is the problem isn't gone, it's just i'm not flipping out about it. Overall: solid day with what I could control. I prefer when things go well, but I handled this as best I could. Gonna sleep well and put my best foot forward tomorrow. Focus on the long haul, but always live a day at a time and improve a day at a time. Life is too short to worry and live in fear and self pity. This is so much better. I actually feel better today than a lot of days when I was travelling and not working. All my good habits are paying off. It's the price I have to pay. If I'm on top of things I feel good, even when faced with adversity. If I slack I feel bad.

June 29 + Spriritual Practice: Good here. Solid morning prayer and meditation. Now that I recall it I really felt a deep connection, definitely strong session. Afternoon meditation, short spiritual reading. Didn't chant but I worked on a step study I'm putting together for a sponsee. + Attitude of Service: Instantly volunteered to help a coworker. That was nice. Just on my toes with a service instinct. That's good to have. Wasn't stuck in self or inner turmoil today. Had good outward energy with a desire to contribute to the universe. - Life habits (getting drawn in by a lower form of self): Ate more snacks today. Was like over a month no processed food. Bought pretzels for a road trip. Ate some and felt like shit about it because I'm above eating like that. So I threw them out. Now I'm going to go back to what works. Fortunately my diet today was actually really strong except for that. But I don't like eating snacks like that. Rest of life habits are good. + Freedom from fear/worry/self pity: Good. Sunday's I feel a little nervous and anxious. But monday's i feel good and come strong. So not sure why Sunday's I feel that way. Today was overall a good day on this measure + Positive/optimistic: Good here, never fell into negativity. Actually pretty optimistic / Reaction toward adversity at work: Decent, but I didn't step back. I want to step back, pause, turn to God, settle myself and reapproach adversity. Instead, I recognized what was happening and sat in frustration to stay on task. More effective if I step back. - social interaction: Laundromat guy was friendly and I talked a little, but i was a little defensive socially and kinda pushed him away. I need to be friendly with everyone and seek out good conversations and connections. I need to remember the person I'm trying to become. Really engaging and looking to make other people feel recognized and good. Overall: Solid day. Just repeat days like these. Correct minor problems and grow.

June 28 + Spiritual practice: Good. I had a good morning meditation, did a couple other meditations. Prayer was good and chanting was good. Doing a review now. This all feels normal. / Attitude of service: Okay, but also a little stuck in my own problems and worries. Not a lot of opportunities for service, and I felt somewhat limited with my outward energy and being engaged. So tomorrow I want to improve this. Part of it was that I was put in a frustrating situation, but I did my best to counter it and stay spiritually focused. The other part is I get some light anxiety on Sunday about going back to work. It's like I'm scared I'm not doing enough and I feel it on Sunday. - Life habits: All good except I slipped on my diet. My diet has been soooo clean and disciplined. I bought pretzels for a camping trip that I'm taking, and partly because I want the big empty plastic jar to keep pasta in. Anyway, this was the first snack and processed food I've had in a month. And sure enough I eat too many of them. I'm convinced processed food is designed to make you over eat. Anyway, it makes me realize how I'm doing the right thing by getting my diet in shape. My other habits today were good. / Positivity/optimism: so-so. I mean I wasn't ever negative, but I wasn't my usual positive self. It's also nice to see how far I've come when I have an off day. I think the anxiety pulled me down a little. / social interaction: was good but I was put in a frustrating situation, and I did a lot to stay calm and I did. It's just that i wasn't fully engaged and wasn't fully myself. Just like I want to be really positive and optimistic, I want to be fully engaged and excited to be in social situations. / Freedom from fear, worry, self pity: Never fell into these things, but didn't enjoy the freedom I'm used to. Had slight anxiety, recognized it but it also threw off my day a little. I also second guessed myself for the first time in awhile. Even though things are going really well, I felt a little down today and I saw myself quesitoning decisions and leaving my last job. Also worried a bit about the future because of how hard it is to reach my goals and how much work I have to do. Overall: Everything is actually still really good. Event though today wasn't up to the high standard I'm used to, it wasn't that bad. I still had mostly good habits. I still moved in a spiritual direction. I just didn't feel as connected as I normally do. Monday's I've always bounced back and tried my best so I'm suspecting the same thing tomorrow. Here's the thing. Life can be hard especially when I think about how far I have to go with this job I'm learning. But when I improve everyday, and focus on making everyday the best I can, then I make good progress. And when I learn this job I'll be in a better place with more opportunity. That's why I'm working hard and I'm taking it so seriously.

June 27 + Spiritual practice: good today but not as structured on weekdays. A shorter morning session, but gonna do some chanting and meditating before bed. + Attitude of service: Hung out with a guy that I'm gonna end up sponsoring. It's good, I genuinely want to be helpful and I genuinely want to be available. I also have a good spiritual energy to attract a sponsee. I got two now. So I got something myself to give away. If I keep cultivating spirit, then other people are attracted to me. If I keep an attitude of service and of being helpful, then other people are attracted to me. + Life habits: Good. Didn't do WHM breathing today. Did take a cold shower. Went for a nice hike in the mountains. Diet is good. I ate out for the first time in like a month. So things are good. + Positivity/optimism: Felt good and energized. It was nice to have a day off. Not in fear, worry, anxiety, self pity. Excited about the future and also excited about the present. Life is good, I'm building for a good future but also not in a hurry to get there. + Social interaction: good, I went on a hike with my friend. It was fun because I'm basically hiking solo all the time. Good time and good chat the whole time. Also hung out after. Overall: Solid day, not too much missing from my life. I'm pretty happy with my progress. I honestly have really strong habits and practices, but I want progress and to continue to measure against my own standard. All of this puts me in a place where I can really embrace life. I'm not stuck in fear, self pity, worry, depression, etc. This is kinda the lesson I learned and the price tag for a useful and contented life: I really have to put in the effort and not make compromises. Whatever, it's what I have to do. All the discipline and good habits and spiritual way of life leads me to a place where I can thrive. So now it's just keeping this up. I've already kept this journal for over 2 months. That's 2 months of consistent good work. I need to keep it up and stay accountable.

June 26 + Spiritual practice: Powerful morning prayer and meditation. I got up and had a deep sense of the presence of God in my life. Didn't chant but went to a meeting this evening. Short reading. Good overall / Attitude of service: Good at work. Was a little resentful which I noticed. Fear of having too much work, not having enough time, worrying about not learning fast enough. So I was willing to help today, but also at times a little frustrated. But it was Friday so it feel good to unwind. + Life habits: Not compromising. Glad I don't buy any junk food or snacks. I think tonight I woulda snacked because I was frustrated a little. But my habits today were great. / Positivity/optimism: Good but not great. I wasn't negative at all, but also wasn't very energized with positivity. I think it was just because I was a little worn down from work. + Freedom from fear/worry/self pity: Did a good job here. I felt a little coming on and I adapted. Stepped back and approached things spiritually and turned to God. + Social interaction: Good. I went to a meeting, and I'm getting more dialed in. Going on a hike tomorrow with a friend. Overall: Actually a solid day. I can be proud of working hard. I put in a good week. I'm making progress. One and two years from now I'll know a lot more. It's just day by day and all i got to do is stick with it.

June 25 + Spiritual practice: Really good. Just had a good chanting session, usually I'm kinda spent mentally after working but today I was pretty sharp. my morning prayer and meditation was really good also, not drowsy today. Best of all I really feel energized by spirit. I have good motivation, I move and work with a bounce in my step. God and spirit really is the CLEANEST burning fuel. It's the best. It's possible to fuel yourself through determination, grit, willpower, insecurity, revenge, having something to prove, etc. But relying on God is way better, it's a clean burning fuel, it's efficient, it doesn't run out as long as I charge the God battery with spiritual practice and service. + Attitude of service: Good here. I'm willingly taking on tasks at work with a good attitude. That's important. I'm trying to be helpful. I'm getting these done okay because of my spiritual energy. I'm not stuck in inner turmoil and worrying how things will work out for me. Instead i'm trying to be helpful + Life habits: Good. Up early, had a good workout and knew I was gonna have a good day. Cold shower, WHM breathing, diet really good, went for 2 walks. All in place. Not distracted by what other people are doing, not making excuses, just measuring myself by my own progress and trying to get better. Trusting that more good things are coming if I keep working like this + Positivity/optimism: Great day here, no clouds of negativity at all, was definitely optimistic all day + Freedom from fear, worry, self pity: I had freedom from these today. Really never even felt anything like these in though or emotion. This feels so good. Over the years these have come in and out of my life. Now it feels like they are on the retreat, I'm on offense pretty much most of the time. They are very infrequent visitiors and I know exactly how to handle them - social interaction: really the only thing missing in my life. I am going hiking on Saturday with a friend though. So I'm excited about that. During the week since I'm working from home I'm pretty much on my own Overall: Solid day all around. Not much to comment on in terms of negatives. All on the plus side

June 24 + Spiritual practice: Good here, had a good chanting and meditation session. Morning meditation I was a little drowsy. I don't know what to do, I exercised for an hour and then took a cold shower and then meditated lol. Practice is good. / Attitude of service: generally good, but got frustrated working with a coworker and lost focus of the opportunity to be helpful. I felt the frustration out of fear that I won't have enough time to finish everything, and that things may reflect poorly on me. I knew this while it was happening, and I couldn't really change my attitude and be more positive. Wasn't a disaster, but I wasn't fully present in helping her. But i did graciously accept to help on another project and didn't have attitude about it. + Life habits: Good. All there. These are becoming normal and becoming hobbies. + Positivity/optimism: Overall good, i bounced back from a frustrating day yesterday. this morning didn't even go all that well. But I stayed positive and finished the day strong. - resentment (fear) this was over the issue in attitude of service. I felt frustrated and resentful, minor resentment, but still have to note it + My reaction to adversity: bounced back and had the best day possible. Wasn't feeling great but I stuck with things and my good habits and attitudes. + Freedom from fear: Situatons like yesterday and this morning will typically push me into fear and worry. Not now though. I'm really relying on God as best I can. The good habits separate me from work. Even if there are threats of fear I'm reacting well. I love how this freedom feels. - Social interaction: this is the only negative. I'm working from home and i didn't interact with anyone except for in virtual zoom meetings. This is a big risk for falling back into fearful, negative, lonely states. I need to look to interact more whenever I can. So work hard and then unplug and try to reach out. Overall: Solid day. I moved forward, I had good effort, I'm growing toward the ideal my creator has for me. If I keep reacting to adversity like this I'm in good shape. I have to keep doing my good habits and spiritual practices even when I don't feel like it.

June 23 + Spiritual practice: Just did a chanting session, forgot some lines toward the end, but my brain was fried from work so it's okay. Still made a decent attempt at meditation. Many days I'm meditating 3 times a day, 30 minutes in the morning and two shorter sessions during lunch and after work. Did a short spiritual reading today, prayer, and now review + Life habits: Good, got up early exercise cold shower diet self care sleep WHM breathing. I really have solid habits. + Attitude of service: good. I really want to be helpful at work. I really want to do my best and have a positive impact for others. Going to a meeting now and gonna look to see if I can be helpful or listen to what others have to say. / Positivity/optimism: Good in general but I hit some adversity in the afternoon and I lost a bit of my positive outlook. I became a little more critical of the work situation we're in. Instead of a super positive attitude I started to look at it in terms of limitation, what's missing, what's going wrong. These are the thoughts I need to avoid. Tomorrow gotta get right back in to positivity / resentment: not a big resentment but I have to list it. I'm very perceptive over subtle things because i don't want them to grow. Today got slightly resentful at work because someone didn't have information. A little resentful at her but also the situation. Sometimes things aren't easy. The point is that it is nothing to get upset about, that hurts how I adapt and react. Instead just take things at face value and evolve by maintaining a good spirtual perspective. + My reaction to adversity at work: This was exactly how I'm supposed to handle it. Today I was faced with adversity. Things weren't going my way. I think i made a mistake possibly that I have to correct. There wasn't time to do it before the end of work and i was feeling stressed in general. I mostly never feel stressed so I recognized it. I paused and stepped back and turned to God for direction and strength. I went into my meditation room and regrouped. I took some deep breaths. I asked for recognition of God's will in a situation like this. Then I went and finished work for the like 45 minutes or so left. Then at 5 I unplugged. Tomorrow is a better day to deal with it. I could sit and worry all night and get nothing done. Then I'd fall into fear. The stress would grow. Instead I'm stepping back. If i feel good tomorrow I can always work extra. But for today best decision was to step away. But I handled this well by turning to spiritual strenght. Overall: It ended up being a tougher day emotionally, but I handled it well. I never flipped out and went off the rails. I stayed calm with good spiritual focus. On top of that most of the day was pretty good. And I also still had great habits and actions. So a bad day was technically still a good day. I never fell into fear, and my overall well being never really dipped. The big thing is I want to bounce back tomorrow and come after life strong. Mentally I'm already telling myself I'll have a good day tomorrow.

June 22 + Spiritual practice: Had a great morning session of prayer, meditation, reflection. Also had a nice lunch meditation. The quality is there on shorter meditations like this lunch one. Plus, I'm just motivated. I feel good so it's easy to find the effort to meditate. When I feel bad, stressed, depressed it's harder even though i would probably need it more. That's why I don't want to lay off the gas. I just learned a few more lines for chanting. I'm doing good there. Short spiritual reading today and a review. So it's all there. + Life habits: Good. Woke up at 4:30, that's pretty normal now. Did an hour of exercise and stretching. Took a cold shower. WHM breathing. Diet is fantastic. Went on a quick bike ride for lunch, went for a walk after work with a friend. All good things. Got to keep this up also. + Attitude of service: I was helpful today at work, really put in effort to make myself available to help others. Met up with a friend to hang out and try to make him feel good. I had good outward energy, not stuck in inner turmoil or self absorption of my own problems. + Positivity/optimism: Good here, never fell into negativity or cynical thinking + Social interaction: Good, got to hang with a friend today. That feels nice to be more social. + Freedom from fear, worry, anxiety: Good here. I'm really enjoying this relief. I haven't really been struck by these in over a month. Being busy with work, being motivated AND having a good spiritual practice and good habits has done the trick. Because work alone won't do it, I would be overwhelmed by worry and stress. Instead I'm feeling great because of the attitude I'm bringing to work. I'm meeting challenges by relying on God. The truth is I can't back off, I can't make excuses and fall into laziness or bad habits. I don't want the fear back. If I have to stay this busy then I have to stay this busy. Overall: Solid day. Not much to improve on. I worked hard all day. I had a good attitude. I built good habits. And I feel pretty great. I just have to accept the price tag I have to pay for this progress. It's basically being very active spiritually, and putting a lot of efffort into work. It beats not working and having too much free time and low self esteem for not making progress in life, and low self esteem for falling into laziness and bad habits. I have to drop the possibility of going back and easing up. I have to drop the rationalizations like "no one wakes up at 4:30" "no one has time to meditate and work every day" "no one should be too strict on diet" "it's okay to watch porn, everyone does it" "there's no need to step in to a cold shower every day" etc etc etc. I've been doing all good habits for over a month. Even on days I don't feel like it. I'm not making compromises. You know who does things like this? Go getters. People who get on in life and get after something. That's what I'm doing now. I'm not making excuses, I'm making changes. I'm not making compromises, I'm making sacrifices to improve myself and my situation. So I can ignore everyone else. My own benchmark is where I'm at and I want to improve from here. That's what it takes. If I keep this up, a year from now I'll be in such a sweet place.

June 21 + Spiritual practice: Good here. I had a great morning meditation and prayer. Just finished evening chanting and meditation. Did a short spiritual reading today. Doing review now. All of my practices are in place. + Attitude of service: Generally good, but not a lot of opportunities to be helpful. I did make some phone calls to some new guys to stay in touch. I'm available and willing to help. I was friendly to people today. I wasn't stuck in self absorption and inner turmoil. + Life habits: Still got up pretty early. Did WHM breathing, stepped into a cold shower but finished on hot. Diet really good. Went on a nice bike ride. I have healthy beneficial habits. / Social interaction: Okay, but didn't really have many opportunities to interact. I have to put myself out there a little bit more and go out of my way. I really want to become a person that has social energy and that it's natural to talk to people I don't know and make their day better. ? Work: I did a little work today. Not a lot but a little. Just to make my day easier tomorrow. And becasue I'm starting to really like this job. I see it as an opportunity for growth, I'm interested and I can learn a lot. So I see it as a chance to keep learning. But I also want to be careful and fully unplug. Unplugging on weekends has worked well. This weekend I definitely did my own thing and went on a massive hike. So possibly in the future I'll be improving skills on the weekend. I want to learn how to code, that will help my career a lot. It's related to work, but not work itself. And weekend is when I have the time. / Slight sunday anxiety. In meditation I noticed this again, really slight sunday anxiety over work. Not really bad, but there a little. I'll be ready tomorrow to do my best. I actually like the week because I'm more amped up, more on top of my game. It's satisfying to go hard and have good days. But weekends are important also I guess. It's recovery time. I'm still productive with good habits it's just a less intense pace. + Positivity/optimism: Good here, nothing really negative in thought patterns. Overall: Good day. Nothing bad to report. No real negative thoughts, emotions, or actions apart from some slight anxiety over Monday coming. A solid day, but not quite as exhilirating or satisfying as a solid day when I'm more amped up. Anyway, been thinking a lot about goals, the future, work, etc. Things are going well now, and I got a lot to learn, but I'm in a cool entry level tech job, but one with specialization and a lot of potential I think. I would really like to work remotely in the future. I think that is a realistic goal. I love living in other countries and I've always wanted funding to do it. Making good money is important, but lifestyle stuff is really important to me also. So in the back of my mind this is a goal I have. It could take awhile but if I work hard I think I definitely got a chance. It's gonna take me 2 years to really master this job anyway, so I got time to learn. And in my free time better myself. Learn how to write code, learn this job well. Work hard and practice service at work. Things will work out. That's why I think at least I'm going to work a little on weekends. Maybe not the job but more of improving myself and my knowledge.

June 20 + Spiritual practice: I found the time today to do it the best I could. I left the house at 5am to go hiking so I did prayer and reflection at the trailhead. When I got home did a short meditation. Not gonna chant today, but that's okay I'll get at it tomorrow. Still, good effort todya for prioritizing it even when i could've made an excuse. I was thinking about service and realized I only interacted with one person today. I didn't see anyone on the trail and I did an epic hike. I only got gas and gave the guy money. So no real opportunities for service and no real opportunities for interaction. + Life habits: Took a cold shower, spent over 6 hours on a hike, ate healthy. Lots of good habits. + Positive/optimistic: Good but wasn't pumped up. Which is okay, not everyday I'll be overflowing with positivity. But I'm still on the right side of things. - Critical thoughts: On my hike today I got sucked a little in to thinking about things over which I have no control, and was overly cynical and critical about social issues/politics. I don't want to be thinking about things like that on a hike. I really want to detach myself from argumentative thinking. + Freedom from worry/self pity: Good here, another day of relief. I wasn't overflowing with confidence, but still felt good. Overall: a good day. but I also want to branch out socially. I went hiking alone and i definitely want to meet some friends or a girl with similar interests. I have a few new friends here but I want to do better with this. I'm feeling great for the most part, and even okay with being alone, and that's okay during the work week to a certain extent. But I also know I want a good social life

June 19th + Spiritual practice: good morning session of meditation and prayer. Short spiritual readings. Decent spiritual awareness during the day, but i've done better before. Daily a big thing is just keeping a mantra in mind during the day to get me centered on a spiritual perspective. I did this a little today but I can improve tomorrow. Going to chant and do an evening meditation now. + Life habits: Good but everything was at a smoother pace today. I had a day off so I'm just more relaxed. I miss the high energy of the week somewhat because it feels good to be energized, focused, motivated. But also to keep it sustainable I have to lower the intensity. So today good habits also, just not as intense with the workout and my motivation. Did WHM breathing and started a cold shower but finished hot. That's a treat for the weekend also, hot water. + Positive/optimistic: good, never fell into negativity + Attitude of service: okay I guess, made some calls to reach out and be helpful to people. Had good outward energy, but not a lot of opportunity for service / Social interaction: okay, i was friendly with people today. Said hi to strangers on my bike ride. Chatted with a guy at the store. But I'm also realizing I'm missing a more robust social life. I've been pretty solitary lately. I got my meetings which are good and I'm meeting people there. But even when I go hiking it's alone. So I would like to meet friends with some of the same hobbies, and a meet a girl also. Need to look for good opportunities to put myself out there. + Freedom from fear, worry, self pity: Good here. Never an issue today. These things feel more and more a thing of the past. This I definitely want to keep up. Overall: A solid day. Not as pumped up with energy, so it doesn't feel as vibrant or good as some of the days of this past week. Maybe it was a little of a lazy day. But I still got some stuff done, still had good spiritual practice and good habits. So a good day still.

June 18 + Spiritual practice: Good today. But didn't chant, had good meditation and prayer and morning session. Review and spiritual reading now. This is definitely the foundation. + Life habits: Good. I have pride now for living life the right way. After work I take a nice bike ride, what a health habit and hobby. Still doing WHM and cold showers. The ability to talk myself into taking a cold shower is valuable. It means I'm willing to face adversity and summon the strenght to do something uncomfortable. Other habits good also. + Attitude of service: Good at work. Was really looking to help others and be of assistance. This is sustaining my energy and focus during the day. I'm not stuck in self, I'm not worried about how much I got to get done, about how work is unfair. I'm just trying to be helpful and put in 8 really focused productive hours. Right now I'm not forcing it, I'm really just relying on spiritual energy, which sounds silly, but turning to God and relying on God is such a clean burning fuel. + Work: went well as said above. A little sensitivity to a comment or two, since I'm new I think I'm a little sensitive to negative feedback. Once I get really dialed in and become a member of the team that is seen as reliable i think most of this will go away. - Resentment (self importance): I had a minor resentment which is somewhat comical but also somewhat typical. I had to reschedule a meeting because someone wasn't available. This made me a little resentful. I saw it happening and unfolding, then I asked myself why, whats the big deal and got on with my day. + Positive/optimistic: Doing great here. Really excited about life. This is how I should feel. Life should be lived like it's exciting. + Attitude at meeting today: It was good, I felt like I belonged, I came and listended some, was a little judgmental but then i got away from it. Got back to a better perspective. I really want meetings here to be something I'm involved in and a part of and enjoy. IT's gonna take some work on my part to be open to them being a little different and also on not being so judgmental. Overall: A really solid day.

June 17 + Spiritual routine: Good, doing all the practices + Life habits: Good discipline and I enjoy the benefits + Work: went well, day in and day out I'm putting in effort + Attitude of service: available to be helpful to a new guy. Met with him and went on a walk. Really like doing stuff like this / Positive/optimistic: good here during the day but overly negative/critical during meeting. see below - Separation/being judgmental: Maybe it was because I'm tired, or maybe it's because I'm too judgmental but today I didn't enjoy the meeting I went to. I felt separation not really being a part of. Didn't enjoy it. Part of the problem may be spiritual pride. I've been doing a lot and energized recently so maybe I'm not so teachable. I also feel like I get so much benefit out of my spiritual practice and sometimes I go to meetings and I don't feel that benefit. But I'm definitely being to critical also. I recognize that. It's preventing me from getting involved and enjoying it more. So during the whole meeting I was just kind of stuck in that. The other day I had a much better time because I was focused on service, putting myself out there, connecting with others. i was in a place of gratitude. It could really be that I'm tired. The meeting is really just too late for me and I'm cranky.

Good work on the morning meditation. I'm not really on a level... my spiritual guru status is that I floss everyday lol. I'm just on a good streak now and keeping this journal forces me to take a look. And a new job forces me to do all of this so I don't lose my shit mentally at work and get stressed out and quit.

Journal Session Just came to my mind and gonna journal about it quick. I have an underlying fear that things will get taken out from under me and that I can't really plan on the future because I'm suspicious and don't things will work out. This leads to all kinds of negative things. Everything I look at I see limitations and as dwindling. Not to get all abundance mentality, but even with my car I'm all worried about driving because i'm worried about what is going to happen after it doesn't work, how will I replace it, etc. Instead of just having faith that I can handle that problem, that if I work hard I'll have good things, etc. This fear also prevents me from really planning for the future and trusting that things will work out. I don't take a long term look at things and I don't commit at least financially to long term projects. I've had some great long term accomplishments in the past in academics and in life adventures, but I've also struggled with long term financial planning. Oddly enough I'm actually in okay shape. I have no debt, I have good savings for an emergency, but I don't believe things will work out deep down. That is starting to change recently as I'm changing my habits and mental attitudes. So this whole fear I want to overcome and move toward a position of trust in God. Basically I don't know the future exactly, but if I stay close to God I can count on good things in general and when I have difficult experiences they will force me to grow

June 16 + Spiritual practice: Really solid again today, but I was drowsy again during the morning meditation. I don't know how, I did it after an hour of exercise and stretching and taking a cold shower. Regardless I put in good effort and still had a 30 minute meditation right after 3 rounds of WHM breathing. Also did breathing exercises and short meditation at lunch. Did an evening chanting session and meditation so I'm finding time. The more I do the easier it is to find time... what a paradox. + Life habits: Really good. Up at 4:30 am. Exercise, cold shower, meditation and prayer session. Healthy eating habits, good self care, productive after work. This discipline is becoming natural and becoming easier. + Work: Good. Yesterday I was worried about something because it wasn't functioning properly in the database I'm working on. Late afternoon and my brain was fried and frustrated. So I dropped it, I said it was 5 and I wasn't going to worry about it or check it again or obsess. Came at it today with a fresh mind and I noticed the problem in under a few minutes. What a healthy approach. Good productivity during the day. Feeling like I'm busy and doing service. Problem is that I sometimes have very very slight fear that I'm not catching on fast enough or that it will be too much. Need to chase this fear away. + Attitude of service: good, I'm trying to be helpful, and I have outward energy, not stuck in inward self turmoil. Better to contribute to life than be stuck in my own head + Social interaction: good conversation with a guy who works at the laundromat + Positive/optimism: good here. I'm pretty much always in a good mood. I'm pretty much always excited about life and the direction I'm heading in. + Freedom from fear: good, no real fears that cut me off from God connection today. But the slight work fears as noted above. In fact now that I think about it there is an underlying fear I need to journal about. Will do that next Overall: Great day. Just another great day. That's been a theme lately. I'm playing life on offense most of the time, putting on all the pressure, scoring points and got all the momentum. If I fall back on defense, I react appropriately, turn things around and follow that up with positive forward action and I'm on offense soon enough again. Not too many bad days over the past month. So happy about this. Got to keep it up and not let off the gas. The foundation is my spiritual practice, including an attitude of service, followed up with really solid life habits and good things in my life. It's a formula that works

June 15 + Spiritual practice: Really good today. Just finished chanting and it was a good effort and satisfying. I like this new facet to my spiritual practice. My morning meditation was good effort but I was drowsy. I exercise, meditate, cold shower. I think i'm doing the cold shower before meditation, then no way I'll be drowsy. Review now. So doing all the important practices I set out to do daily. + Life habits: Good. Woke up early, exercise and diet good. WHM breathing and cold shower is good. All around I have good discipline and habits. + Work: good. I really had good effort and focus today. I also faced adversity and accepted it. I recognized it, I paused and ask God for strength and direction. then I tried to do the best I could. Things were unresolved but I left that at work at the end of the day. I'm not going to let it bother me or throw me off. I can deal with it tomorrowa nd with any fallout from it. + Attitude of service: Tried to help a new guy today, met up and went for a walk. Just trying to be available and helpful. In general good outward energy today. Good effort with trying to be of service to others. Not stuck in self pity, or inner turmoil. Trying to do my best to contribute good energy to life. + Positive/optimism: No negativity today, none really on the radar. Today was a good example of really being on the plus side of things. I'm becoming the positive person I set out to become. Now to solidify. it and make it a permanent part of how I live. + Freedom from fear: Good, never fell into fear, anxiety, worry. Overall: Great day. Nothing negative to report. Felt in connection with God throughout the day. Also important to note that there is nothing wrong with work, I've done my best to adapt and I feel good working. I need to remind myself of this on the weekends if I worry about work. There is nothing to worry about because I'm doing fine with good effort. I'm actually liking learning this job and I feel energized during the day. So I can look forward to it and not worry. I really think once I know what I'm doing I won't have any feelings of worry/anxiety. I'm planning on it being part of the learning phase and hopefully leaving it behind all together.

June 14 + Spiritual practice: Good. I woke up not feeling all that great. Did my best effort to start out right, took the attitude to make the best of it and ended up having a good day. didn't chant today though, that is one area for improvement this week. I definitely need to get back into that. + Life habits: Good. Riding my bike, eating right, WHM breathing and cold showers. Good discipline, the source is God. I put the spiritual stuff first, the other habits improve. + Attitude of service: pretty good. i met with a sponsee. I had pretty good outward energy today, even though I wasn't feeling as great as normal. In a meeting felt myself wandering off into inner turmoil and self absorption, recognized it and started to listen more intently. + Positive/optimism: Never fell into negativity today. Wasn't as energized with positivity as normal, but I did good with not falling into negativity. + Freedom from fear: Good here, didn't fall into fear. Overall: A good day. I felt off in the morning and recognized it. I kept up a spiritual practice which helped me adapt. Then I ended up having a good day. Feel satisfied with my effort today, and I'm going to have a great day tomorrow. I can kind of feel it. I also didn't have any Sunday anxiety over work which is a good development. I'm more and more excited about my life here and going camping and hiking on weekends. I'm excited about going hard during the week and doing the best job I can. I'm excited about the momentum I'm building spiritually and i want to keep that up. So that's it really.

June 13 + Spiritual practice: Good, found time even though I went into the mountains to hike. Got up early did a short morning session. Shorter evening mediation also. + Life habits: Went out and did a great hike in nature. I'm in great shape and my habits are strong + Attitude of service: Looking to be helpful to others. Trying to make myself available to others at meetings. - Somewhat critical thoughts. On my hike back I started to think too harshly and critically about politics, social issues, things like that. I have a friend that drags me into that when we talk and it came up in my mind. Want to stay away from that stuff. Overall: Really solid day. I'm tired and ready to go to sleep. Just a lot of great days in a row. Keep it going

June 12 + Spiritual practice: just tried chanting but I'm mentally exhausted. Couldn't finish. Did put some effort at least. My morning spiritual practice was good. + Life habits: Solid as well. I'm looking in the mirror and the diet and exercise is. paying off. I look and feel fantastic. Cold shower energized me this morning. Also WHM breathing is really connecting me and making me feel strong. I don't have too much stress at all. - Critical thoughts (insecurity, comparison) I had some brief critical thoughts today. I saw a fat lady sit down and my first thought was that she's fat. I was judgmental. I want to move away from being critical like this. I want to get to a place where I recognize first all the good qualities about people and see potential and love. I want to retrain myself to think like this just like I've done with positivity. + Positive/optimistic: Good, never fell into negativity. + Freedom from fear: It more and more feels like a thing of the past. + Attitude of service: Okay, good outward energy, looking to contribute. + Work: Good day, consistent effort. Trying to do my best. Long term this will pay off. Today I bounced back. Yesterday I was burnt out mentally, today I went strong and glad it's friday. I'm burnt out now also. totally unlplug on weekend and I'll be ready for monday. Overall: Great day. Feel good about life.

After I wrote this yesterday I actually felt kinda bad because of the confrontational tone of my message. I think I wrote it like that because I challenged myself that way to change and it has been successful. I don't want to put anyone down. But I do want to emphasis that porn impedes you from reaching the real goal which is to meet a girl and to have a great sex life. Because of this I don't think porn is "sex positive"... putting a penis in a vagina is sex positive and things that help you to get to that goal are sex positive. Discipline in my sex life has a huge benefit. Being on a weekly semen retention schedule has a huge benefit. Healthy masturbation thinking about a girl I already had sex with or a girl I want to have sex with has a positive benefit. On a psychological level this is so much better because you are using your imagination to put yourself in a scenario and to act it out. If you like porn so much... go make a porn with a girl. That's sex positive lol. Just don't watch other guys getting having sex when you can't go and make it happen in your own life.

June 11 + Spiritual practice: Good, gonna do an evening meditation now and practice chanting. My morning meditation was epic, I forgot to set the timer, went over my 30 min, prob made it to around 45. I definitely would've stayed meditating if I didn't have to work. Prayer solid also, as is spiritual reading. + Life habits. Just had a health dinner: white pearl couscous, sweet potato, kale, corn, and onion. I'm getting good at cooking with an instant pot. WHM breathing and cold showers good. I'm feeling in great shape and look really good also. + Work: good day here. I got mentally fatigued in the afternoon. But I recognized it, paused and centered myself with God. finished the day as best i could. Trying to be helpful. With how much is going on and how much pressure, it's suprising how not stressed I am and how good I feel about work. I'm doing something right. + Positivity/optimism: on the right side of things. + Freedom from fear: Good here, never fell into fear. I have relief from the constant nagging little fears I had in the past that separated me from living life. + attitude of service: trying to be helpful, made a phone call today to reach out to a friend and be in contact. Good outward energy. / Social interaction: was out and about shopping and didn't really talk anyone up. Partly becasue of how drained I was mentally from work. Overall: Another solid day. I have recently a pretty much total releif from depression. I don't feel down at all. I feel solid. This is how I should feel, mostly always good, somewhat frequently great, and ocassionally a bad day. I want this to be how I live in the world. I really think the biggest barrier to love is feeling bad yourself. It's hard to have love in your heart when you feel bad. It's hard to wish others well, be helpful, be interactive, etc. when you feel bad and down. A good spiritual lesson for me is that if I keep up a high level of consistent spiritual activity and good habits I pretty much can leave depression behind. It's a high price tag and a lot of work but it is totally worth it. These are things I should be doing anyway. Health people, go getters, people excited and motivated about life don't make excuses, they (we) get after life and build discipline and good things in life. So that's it. That's what I want to continue. Just keep living this good life.

Most guys don't have a porn problem. Most guys have a "getting sex" problem. If getting sex with a few new girls a week were effortless the porn problem would magically disappear. However getting sex is difficult and requires effort not short term gratification. Porn is horrible for the masculine psyche... it basically internalizes that real sex is for other people and all you can do is watch it. The next time I have sex I'll invite you over to my place and you can jerk off in the corner? Sound like a good idea? Of course not, unless you're a cuck. Get some self respect and go out and find a girl to date and have sex with instead of being a cuck and jerking off to some other guy having sex. Honestly, though porn is actually a GOOD thing for guys who DON'T WATCH IT. So many men watch it and basically have nothing to offer women sexually that there are so many more options for guys who don't watch it. The next time you jerk off to porn think: at the same moment some guy is having real sex with a hot girl. Which guy do you want to be? The next time you jerk off to porn think: there is some guy that is uglier, less cool and with a smaller dick than you that is having sex with a real girl The next time you jerk off to porn think: IF YOU TALKED TO ONE GIRL FOR EVERY PORN VIDEO YOU WATCHED YOU WOULD GET A GIRL GUARANTEED. There are guys that easily open 10 porn videos in a session and basically jerk off every day. In a month that's 300 videos. Go talk to 300 girls in a month and you'll have a girlfriend. Glad I'm porn free. Glad I like real sex more.

June 10 + Spiritual practice: Even better today. I'm doing 30 minute morning meditation, a shorter lunch meditation, plus evening chanting and a shorter meditation. I'm not doing long mega sits of 45 min to an hour, but doing 3 seperate ones and feeling great. I also listened to a dhammatalk today and did a short spiritual reading. Prayer is also solid. I've really opened the channel of God's energy as best I can and I'm sticking with it. + Life habits: 2 sessions of WHM breathing, 3 rounds each. Breath holds of 1, 1.5, 1.5 minutes. Just going with the recording. I'm definitely a believer in this technique, it stills and focuses my mind, I've been doing it before meditation in morning and lunch. Also did a cold shower, about 4 minutes, but ended with hot water today. My morning exercise flow practice is good, my diet is great, riding my bike some, self care is good, and i'm on retention schedule for sexual energy. And best of all, none of these good habits feel like work. It's become really natural, I enjoy the benefit. + Work: I'm feeling more comfortable and capable at work. Hopefully the anxiety I had last Sunday goes away as I learn more and settle in. I've been really productive, always trying to be helpful and to do service, giving really focused and concentrated effort. It seems to be paying off. I feel like I'm getting good results and I'm liking work. There is a fear that I'm not capable, that I'm going to be overrun with anxiety, worry, fear, etc, that I'm going to hate my job... but instead the opposite is turning out to be true. I'm feeling really good during the week. I feel I like it and I can get more and more into it. Now is the time to double down on my spiritual practice and not run on self will. When I started I said I wasn't going to compromise my spiritual practice... I unplug after work and on weekends. Before work is my time. During lunch I unplug and recconnect. Bringing God energy and spirituality to work has helped me to transform my perspective. If I lose that then pretty soon everything will turn negative. + Positivity/optimism: Good today, no real signs of negativity or pessimism. I'm becoming the positive person I want to become. Part of this is just embracing work as something good and productive for me instead of trying to avoid it. Over the last month or so my positivity level has definitely been satisfactory and rarely dips into a problem zone. + Freedom from fear: This relates a lot to the positivity... but I just have to note I'm enjoying freedom from fear. I'm just rocking out in life the way God intended. I'm not falling a victim to fears that impede me. + Attitude of service: I had good outward energy, looking to contribute to life, not stuck in inner turmoil. - Insecurity (weakness, lack of confidence): Today I had minor insecurity at work over a conversation with a coworker. I think there was a small difference of perspective and opinion, not a big deal because the issue was going to be fixed. But I'm noting it because I felt insecure, I want to be liked and respected by this person and for a moment I felt like I could've handled the situation a little differently. Not a big error or anything but I still noticed some insecurity on my part. Overall: Another good day. Another day I moved forward. Another day I moved closer to God. Another day I grew in the image and likeness of my creator. I'm on a nice streak. It seems like here I almost always report good things. I guess it's because i'm taking this seriosuly. Back in 2015 I had a similar feeling and was really dialed in. Now I feel like I'm back! There have definitely been some struggles emotionally and spiritually over the past years where I didn't review like this, and I didn't take spiritual practice so seriously. Now I can't let up, I got to a place where I'm playing on offense. Offense is the best defense. I'm mostly always on the positive side of things.