Jai

July 19 You know what? Today was a solid day. Just realized I never slid into fear, worry, self-pity, doubt. Sometimes on Sunday's I have a tougher than normal day emotionally. That wasn't the case today. today went well. I set a good intention this morning and stuck with it. + Spiritual practice: Good here. Not the normal routine but went well. Good meditation session. Going to do chanting now. Short spiritual reading. + Life habits: Good. Went for a nice bike ride, took a cold shower, WHM breathing, good self care. All around good discipline. + Attitude of service: Started the day off good by talking with a sponsee. Placed another call to a friend. Good outward energy and not stuck in self + Freedom from fear, self-pity, worry, doubt: Good here. Stayed connected. + Positive/optimistic: Good here. Never slid into negativity. Overall a really good day. Better than normal for a sunday. Made progress personally. Feel connected to God. Feel like life has meaning, purpose and direction. I just want to keep this up. I know adversity is coming so that's when I have to rely on my spiritual practice and habits the most. I can't go into a tailspin. All these good days are putting me in a good zone where I can engage with life and handle adversity if it comes. That's it for today.

July 19 Morning journal session: Sunday is usually my toughest day of the week emotionally and mentally. I generally slip into slight to moderate anxiety/worry. It's not horrible but i notice it because I'm basically free from it the rest of the time. I definitely think that this is related to the coming work week. It's funny because usually Monday's are one of my strongest days, and most of the work week I feel great. I think the anxiety has to do with the idea "Am I doing enough?" "Am I going to fail?" Also probably related to a feeling that the weekends aren't long enough, that I'm not doing enough interesting things, that most of my life is just work, etc. I want to find a solution to these thoughts and emotions so I don't fall into anxiety on Sunday's. I want to think through some of these now. First, with the "am I doing enough". I really am putting forth maximum effort and focus during the week. I'm really designing a high performance life so that way I can excel in work. I have really good habits and discipline, I have good motivation. I've pledged to never compromise or give up my spiritual practice under the idea that that time would be better used to work more. So even if I get fired and fail, I'm never giving up my spiritual practice. I also really credit my spiritual practice for how well I've done so far. The overall freedom from anxiety for most of the week, the motivation, the confidence, it's all coming from the foundation of my realtionship with God. Saturday is my unplug totally day and go hiking. Sunday is my relax day, but also work on my computer skills/development day. Part of the problem with the "am I doing enough" is I think I get caught up too much in how far I have to go and not how far I've come, and also how much I'm really doing. So with this, maybe I just need to look at how much I'm doing and my effort and my dedication. then I should feel good. Next, the "am I going to fail" question. With this I need to let this go and trust God. I'm putting in a great amount of effort and taking it seriously. I'm relying on God for strength and direction. I'm living a high performance life so I don't get burnt out. I'm trying to maximize my performance by also building great habits. So I need to not worry about this. My effort is there. That's all I can do. Anxiety & Stress and work in general: with this topic it can kinda seem logical why people have anxiety and stress over work. These can seem as "useful" mechanisms that keep your attention on work. I mean if you worry and stress about it all the time it seems like you "care" and are "making progress". But ultimately I do think these lower effectiveness. So it is okay to take time off, and to not worry about it. I'm doing what I can and actually doing a lot. So I don't want to use these mechanisms to make me feel like work is so important that I have to worry about it all the time. The issue of not enough time: This is a tough one. When I was in college I remember working and still had enough time to go out a lot, see friends, and enjoy life. So the issue isn't just working. It's also an issue of having a fulfilling life and being excited about all the different things. Saturday's are definitely my day to get outside and have fun. Go hiking in the mountains, go do different stuff. This is a good thing to look forward to. I think when Sunday's come I get the feeling that the weekend is too short. I run some errands, I do computer skills stuff, I go for a bike ride and the weekend is over. So I really have to enjoy the time that I do have. I also have to realize that making progress at work and life takes sacrifice. I've had way more free time than most to travel the world and do cool things. It's really time that I make sacrifices so that I can improve my professional life. I want to improve my finances and build a nice life. It's going to take a lot of work. That's just how the world is. I have to make sacrifices. So I have to get used to being a go getter and prioritizing work. So this means really getting more and more into enjoying the free time I do have. Some of this may have to do with being new to a smaller city and not having a lot of friends although I do have some friends. Same thing with being a little lonely with not having a girl in my life. I do think these can contribute to a general malaise and some of this Sunday anxiety... it's the only day where i really slow down... so it could be I think is life passing me by? The last thing is I do need to really savor my life where I'm at and not be in a hurry to leave or change things. I really just want to make the most of it and thrive. There's a lot to like here. So I want to do my best and make progress. The future I can leave to God. There is definitley the possibility I can go remote with this job and with this career path. And that is a goal of mine. However, I don't want this idea to start to ruin my enjoyment of where I'm at. So I can just do my best where I'm at. So that's a good summary of a lot of different contributing factors. Right now I'm going to do a morning meditation and then get on with my day. Have the best day possible and not fall into worry or anxiety.

July 18 + Spiritual practice: Okay for a day where I went on a 14 mile hike. Still gotta give myself credit for a morning prayer and reflection session. Plus a short meditation session in the evening. Not making excuses and doing what I can. + Attitude of service: Good. Picked up trash on the trail. Gave my friend an apple I brought during our lunch when hiking. Generally good outward energy. + Life habits: Good. Not in normal routine but still have good habits. Took a cold shower. Ate clean. Didn't do formal WHM breathing but I did it when I was hiking. Helpful for being at altitude. + Freedom from fear, worry, self pity, doubt: Good here. Nice day off. got outside never really fell into bad emotional/mental states / Positive/optimistic: I actually got to call myself out on being cynical, pessimistic, overly critical. My friend and I started talking about different things and I fell into a trap. It didn't ruin my overall generally positive attitude on the day, but I can't be falling into thought habits like this. It starts out like these thoughts are seductive, and a conversation like this feels good. But I'm really just being overly critical and cynical. Overall: Good day. Good to get outside and away from normal life. Being in the mountains is nice because I really do unplug. I need to get away a little. Work is good but it can't be all that I think about. Instead I need stuff like this to look forward to. And to be active and feel alive. Sometimes I'm left with the feeling that the weekends aren't long enough or I don't have enough time. I got to get away from that thinking and that anxiety. Sundays I feel a little anxiety, so tomorrow I want to proactively avoid that. I'm liking work so nothing to worry about. So things are good. Just got to keep them this way. Might jump on a call with some friends soon about staying accountable and changing our actions. I got so much momentum that I feel good about accountability. I got nothing but good things to report.

July 17 + Spiritual practice: Really great morning meditation/reflection/prayer. One of the best in awhile. Didn't chant today, but still solid all around. + Attitude of service: Keeping it up. Gotta watch out for resentment for when people are unwilling to help me. I can't take it personal or let off my service. At work someone didn't really want to help me but that's okay. I can't fall into a bad attitude over it. Good outward energy today. + Life habits: Really good. Good discipline all around. Feel good. + Freedom from fear, worry, doubt, self pity: Good here. Nothing really showed up on the radar today. + Positive/optimistic: Also good. I'm definitely putting myself in the area of being in a semi permanent positive mood. Things may come from time to time but I'm overall pretty optimistic. So this has been a good change over the last about 3 months. Over the next 3 months I want to solidify this. Overall: Good day today. I felt tired at work and lower than normal energy level. My productivity was still pretty good but I wasn't as forceful and driven. Part of it is that my sleep hasn't been that great. And it was Friday so I ran out of gas a little. Beyond that I had a minor mix up at the gas station. I was in line and a guy tried to cut, unknowingly at first, in line. So I confronted him which is okay to stand my ground a little. But then after I asked myself why I came off as so grumpy. Instead of being more diplomatic. Anyway it wasn't a big deal, but I never get upset, and there although I didn't get upset, I did get a little confrontational. What was great was that after I just emotionally blew it off. Nothing is really going to phase me if I keep with my good practice and habits. The only other thing on my mind is trying to find a girl. Everything is weird with this covid. I've hung out with a couple girls which went okay, but that faded away. I want to be more social but there's not a lot of opportunities now. With this I really have to not let this throw off my progress. I mean whatever I'll meet another girl to date eventually. For now just keep doing my best in my perosnal life and work and keep making progress. I'll come out on the other end of this covid thing way stronger. I don't want a female situation bumming me out and throwing off my solid mental and emotional state.

July 16 + Spiritual practice: Good here. Had a really solid morning meditation and prayer session. It really ended with a solid intention and thought. These 30 minute sessions are a kind of hybrid between meditation and prayer incorporating two sections. It's really effortless to do this now. Time flies by. I want to do longer concentration sessions on the weekend. But during the week this has proved to be ideal. Other practices good also. + Attitude of service: Some real service to report. A good example today. Went in to work today and helped someone find some copy paper in the mail room. She had came into my office thinking it would be in there. We went next door and I said it should be in there. I was going to leave but I recognized I could help. I helped her look and I found it. It was good because I was friendly and I'm glad I stopped what I was doing to help. Working remotely has eliminated little things like this so I want to keep it up. + Life habits: Really solid. These are becoming normal. They really open up a good space to have a solid day. I do a lot first thing, and then throughout the day maintain. Things that were difficult before are now normal. Plus it's like they feed off of each other. Doing them all makes doing any single one easier. + Freedom from fear, self pity, worry, doubt: Good here. Was talking with my sister. There's a lot of pressure at work... but I'm not stressed at all. Just doing what I can and not worrying. I put in good effort and am satisfied with that. My good habits and spiritual connection make this possible. + Positivity/optimism: Feels good to look at the world this way. I've lifted myself up through relying on God, I'm no longer stuck in negative thought and emotion. I now look at the world as an interesting place with some cool opportunities. Overall: Another day forward. I can definitely say I moved forward today. A bunch of days like this together and the progress really becomes noticeable. 3 months in to keeping this journal and becoming more serious has gotten me on the right track. In another 3 months or a year if I keep it up I can transform my life.

July 15 + Spiritual practice: Really good today. 30 minute meditation/reflection/prayer sessions fly by. It's pretty effortless now. I feel like I want more time. But this is good for now. It fits perfectly in my schedule before work. Add in the WHM breathing which I do right before and it's a little over 40 minutes. Weekends I should do a mega session. Everything else good here also. Good chanting at lunch. + Attitude of service: Really good. Tried to be helpful at work. Felt pretty effective and motivated. Good focus all day. Probably one of my best overall days with being productive. I'm not wasting energy innefficiently like when I was trying arrange life to suit myself. I'm just trying to help others and contribute. Whatever happens happens... but right now the results feel good. + Life habits: Good habits are the new normal. I started a spreadsheet because of how good I'm doing. I want evidence over the next 3 months for how disciplined I've become. + Freedom from fear, worry, self pity, doubt. Good here. Never fell into these + Positive/optimistic: Good here. I'm not sweating work even though our team is under a lot of pressure. A lot could go wrong. I'm just rolling with it. - Resentment: Had an instant resentment today. My boss had sent me an email with something to do that I didn't think was that big of a deal and that I didn't really think was relevant to me. I recognized this resentment right when it showed up. It was like a reflex. Fortunately I saw that I was wrong and if I'm going to have this attitude of service that I talk about I best try to be positive about things like this. So I finished the day strong and handled this. Point is I got to recognize the little things like this so they don't grow. Overall: Solid day today. When I'm super productive it turns out there are a lot of hours in the day. I had a really strong day a work. After work I fixed my bike and went on a ride. Also had some time to pick up groceries. A lot of incentive to do well at work. Once I know this job a lot of it will be natural. Then I'll have more time since now I'm really pushing hard at work. It will be worth it. I just have to go hard now and learn it.

Journal Session In a sense the whole purpose of this spiritual endeavor and also practicing the steps is really just becoming more connected with God. It's like the problem can be stated as separation from God. Separation from God really means less than ideal living, falling prey to bad habits, and an overall inneffective life where I feel useless and without purpose. So the whole purpose is to grow my connection with God so that it is a consistent reliable part of my life. With this connection I definitely feel meaning and purpose. I'm much more motivated, optimistic and excited about life. I feel good most of the time and have faith about the future. As I see it the secret sauce has two ingredients... one connection with God or love. I can build this through spiritual practice and right feeling. Just expanding my spiritual force and presence so I can feel this more consistently and more strongly. The second ingredient is service. Having an attitude of service and being helpful is the orientation toward action in the world. It's a spiritual approach to others. Having an atttitude of service is difficult. My default setting is what's in it for me. But slowly but surely I can transform this. I don't have to go feed the hungry kids in an orphanage everyday... as long as I'm helpful in the situations I find myself I'm on the right track. So these two things combined really open up an area of strong spiritual lifestyle.

July 14 + Spiritual practice: Good here. Had a nice evening chanting session. Really solid morning meditation and prayer and reflection. I really felt a solid and consistent spiritual connection throughout the day. + Attitude of Service: Good here. Good outward energy today. I felt good at work and am ready to help. Not too many opportunities for service outside of work today. I wasn't stuck in inner turmoil and self absorption. + Life habits: Good here. Woke up early, exercise, cold shower, ate clean, WHM breathing 5 rounds. Organized with things. Motivated. Making the best use of my time. + Freedom from fear, worry, self pity doubt: Good here. Never really to close to these. I'm really proactive with my good habits to fight these off. + Positivity/optimism: good here. Never fell into negativity. Overall: A really solid day. Really pushed it at work and got a lot done. Worked extra also. I have to be careful not to overdo it and get disconnected from spirit. However it's also important that I can continually push the boundaries a little and make sacrifices. For the long term some sacrifices I make now will be good. Just can't get burnt out or fall into fear, worry, self pity doubt. So I got to keep very mentally and emotionally aware of these and change course if they pop up. Work is going to be very demanding for the next 3 months. After that I think it will level off. So I want to keep up high performance. Long term work is important for me and I want to build greater financial freedom

July 13 + Spiritual practice: good. Morning session good. Pretty good awareness throughout the day. May even get in a quick chanting session now. + Attitude of service: good. Not stuck in self absorption today. Looking to be helpul. good outward energy. + Life habits: Good. Good habits are my default setting. I miss high intensity on the weekneds when I do lower the intensity level. + Freedom from fear, worry, self pity, doubt: Felt good today. Really answered the call. Yesterday felt a little down which is a Sunday thing. If I keep having great Monday's then this Sunday anxiety will go away. + Positivity/optimism: good here. Felt really engaged in a positive mentality. Overall: A solid day. I definitely moved forward. Mostly all good days. I want to step it up more at work. Find ways to be more efficient and more motivated. Get excited about work and feel good about this opportunity. Time to make the most of it!

Journal Session The main problem is separation from God/Spirit. This thought came to me today as I was thinking about the progress I've made and how it compares to what I was doing and how I felt in the past. I really think my main problem is separation from God. I've made a lot of progress here and feel God's presence in a bunch of different areas of my life. I'm working towards an ideal out there and improving. What I realize is that bad habits hold me down and cause separation from God. that's why I can't make compromises. Compromises move the needle in the wrong direction. A lot of this also has to do with emotional and mental states. I'm really convinced that a huge part of well being and spiritual connection is fixing mental and emotional states. And that... definitely for me being depressed has a ton to do if not everything to do with my habits and my mental and emotional states. If I'm depressed I'm really just stuck in self pity, fear, worry doubt, etc. I get that way when I make compromises, go back to bad habits, don't take life seriously, etc. All of this to me is also separation from spirit/God. It's like I turn away from what works, and go back to my old self and slide back into bad ways of living, thinking and feeling. I've really been incorporating God into all areas of my life, turning to God for strength and direction, and my good habits are becoming natural. It's how I live now, and I feel really good most of the time. This is the connection I want to foster, maintain and grow. Working toward God's ideal for me. I don't want to shy away from the continued effort. This is so much better than falling into bad habits. Here's what I ask myself: does God want me to...? Wake up early to meet the day with strength and vitality, or be lazy and sleep in? Exercise every day, or be out of shape and weak? Build discipline by taking cold showers, or walk away from a challenge? Build an authentic relationship by God by practicing meaningful meditation, prayer, review and reading on a daily basis, or not do any of that and just say I'm "spiritual" Eat healthy food all the time, or eat junk food compulsively? Have an attitude of service and an outward energy toward others, or be stuck in inner turmoil, self absorption and my own problems? Be motivated to work hard, be helpful and try to always improve at my job, or bitch about my job, the money, coworkers, and be lazy? Be excited about my free time and pack it with good hobbies, or sit around and do nothing? Put myself out there and date and meet a girl, or jerk off to porn? Have some social freedom to meet up with friends and be someone others want to be around, or be lonely and not do anything? I'm sure I could list some more. Point is that I know God has got some good stuff in my future if I step up to the plate and grow into the person I can be. I don't want to settle for less than my best. "Most people are willing to do just enough to feel a little better about themselves, but not change their life in any meaningful way. Don't be like most people" - Me

Hey bud. Keep at it! Read your first post. Are you staying busy? Honestly working a lot has been good for me because I don't have time for bad habits. My time is so valuable that I fill it with rewarding things. I've got some good momentum with some habits but I know if I were to not be working I would fall back into some. good luck!

Journal topics Am I willing to go further with spiritual growth than before? This is a good question to ask myself. I'm on a nice little streak of a solid spiritual practice, plus good growth in a lot of different areas. I have my foot on the gas and I'm not making excuses. I like to say 2015 was my year, back then I really did this same thing and really went strong for a whole year. Consistent meditation, prayer, reading, big involvement with helping others, went really deep and changed a lot of things about myself. It was like a big year of transformation. Since then I've always had some spiritual practice and awareness, but not nearly as profound. I've also made other improvements I should recognize since then. But i've never felt as connected as back then. So now that I'm almost 3 months in on a really solid spiritual practice, plus really straightening other bad habits out... I'm willing to go further. I have to commit to this as a new way of life. Somehting I can't compromise on. It is really essential to my overall well being. Beyond that I want to confront the weaker parts of my personality holding me back. A fear of not being good enough/things not working out, plus an unwilling to grow up and take on more responsibility. I'm defintiely doing okay, but I'm still clinging to these bad beliefs. Same thing with my sex ideal and what I want to work toward there. I'm still holding on to bad beliefs and limitation. I'm really in a good place and ready for a good relationship. So that just means I got to keep working on bettering myself and improving myself. And also eventually putting myself out there. Am I willing to try a "new" version of God, a new relationship with my creator, am I willing to turn my life and my problems to him? Thus far I've been making progress with this and it's working. So yes, I want to commit to this. the idea is to not just be "cool" with God but to have a better relationship and maintain connection. Part of this is offering my life to God the way some people describe it. The idea that God works through me, that I'm a channel. The idea that I can get away from self will and instead consult spirit for direction and guidance. Put the focus on what I can contribute and not on what I can get out of life or how I can arrange it to make things the way I want. This also has to do with getting rid of bad habits and problems. I want to continue to turn to God for strenght and direction. Rely on God to build the person I want to become and should be, as well as have deep sense of acceptance by God. This also has to do with my emotional and thought patterns. These are possible to change. I've seen that already with becoming more positive. I want to turn to God to direct my inner states as well. A lot of times it's really the inner states that have importance, my actions can just be a result of my thoughts/emotions. Basically, I really want to commit more. I'm in a really good spot. Even if I have days of doubt, I'm in a great spot. Especially internally. I've gotten so much stronger over the last 3 months. I'm building good habits on top of good habits. I'm almost a year no porn. My biggest problem and difficulty is still long term financial well being and fear over this an an inability to grow up. I'm facing this and working hard and I should give myself some credit... it's a LONG TERM GOAL. Day at a time I'm doing so good. I'm solving my biggest problem. My other problems are on the retreat. I'm playing life on offense. the whole point is that all of this is a result of my spiritual practice and putting that first. It really is the priority in life. If i'm not spiritually right... that means that my whole outlook on things will change and I'll think everything will suck. My job will suck, life will suck, fall back into fear, worry, self pity, doubt, etc. SO I HAVE TO KEEP MY FOOT ON THE GAS. No letting up or backing off. Spiritual practice ride or die! I can't put anything before my relationship with God.

July 12 + Spiritual practice: Good today. I went to the thai temple at 6:00am and chanted and meditated with the monks. That went well. Although I can't wait to not have to wear a mask. Probably not going to go back until this is all over which could be awhile. / Attitude of service: okay today but also stuck more in inner turmoil than normal. I was thinking of myself and my problems too much. Didn't have any real opportunities for service. Not really energized with contributing to the stream of life. You know what, now that I think of it I took the time to call someone and try to be understanding and listen to his problems. So I did have a good example of service. + Life habits: Back on track with the diet. Ate real clean today. That feels like the default setting. Cold shower was good. Didn't do WHM breathing, sometimes it seems like I take weekends off. Should've probably did that today after I felt in sort of an emotional funk. / Positive optimistic: Generally good, but I'm setting myself a higher and higher standard and anytime I regress I have to note it. So I wasn't exactly negative today, but I wasn't my normal positive self. Part of this could be becasue it's sunday and sometimes on Sunday's I get into a little funk. Could also be becasue I didn't get up into the mountains this weekend to really enjoy being outside. Regardless, I fell back into second guessing myself and missing my last job instead of being excited about the opportunity I have now. / Freedom from fear, worry, self pity, doubt: This goes hand in hand with the positivity rating: not exactly bad, but not where I normally am. I was challenged today a little by these. Will come back strong tomorrow. Overall a good day. Nothing really wrong. But also didn't live up to my normally high standard. I was pretty productive today. Sunday's I'm going to use to work on teaching myself SQL and computer stuff. It's a sacrifice, but I want to grow and during the week I'm already busy. So I want to get used to this and not feel stressed or anxious becasue of it. I need to 100% keep my free time as something I cherish because there isn't a lot of it. But I'm at the point where I want to work and build a better future.

Life Purpose is so integral to our well being. And a good name for a journal. I really think humans need some sort of deeper orientation to be fully engaged in the world. It's kind of a psychological necessity. This is true for me... when I get down or depressed a lot of it has to do with questions of meaning and purpose. Lately I've been on a good streak of feeling like I have answers and working on moving forward. Good luck with becoming a great fighter!

July 11 + Spiritual practice: Not the most profound session today. But I still did it. Staying at my sisters so out of my normal element and routine. But I still set aside time so I'm happy with my effort. A lower intensity today and that's okay. During the week I really have an intense schedule and intense spiritual practice. So it feels good to have it be relaxed. + Attitude of service: Good. Helped out around my sisters house. Bought some groceries. Met with a sponsee and was helpful. Good outward energy and not stuck in inner turmoil. Oh yeah and I brought some food to the monks at the thai temple. - Life habits: Diet here gives me a negative. Ate cereal for breakfast, had a cookie as a snack, ate a friggin s'more at night. When I visit my sister I make all kinds of compromises. I think I need to plan better and just cook for myself and keep the discipline. I'm not pleased that a broke such a streak of good eating. I want to keep all my good habits going so any time I falter it's a big deal. + Positive/optimistic: Good here. Felt in a good space all day. + Freedom from fear, worry, self pity, doubt: Good here Overall: A solid day. Nice day off. Going to wake up early tomorrow and chant at the temple at 6am. Felt good to unwind. Nothing too negative to report. Ready to keep moving forward. A day at a time. Mostly I have all good days, just keep building these for a solid and memorable year of progress. Been keeping this journal almost 3 months, so that's a good habit.

This may sound cliche but I'm actually so grateful that I had grandfathers from the WWII generation. So glad I'm old enough to have been around and influenced by them before they died. It's like the ENTIRE generation were MEN. Men of faith, service, sacrifice, family, hard work, doing things the right way, etc. Glad I grew up with a father and a grandfather. It's sad that there are so many fatherless boys out there. That's the problem. Blame single moms lol. Just kidding single moms.

People got good or bad things to say about AA. It's worked for me been sober from drugs and alcohol for 15 years. Not saying it's for everyone but for me it's been good. No other bad habit has been nearly as destructive as drugs and alcohol for me. And i'm not anti-drugs or anything. But if you do got a problem with that it's got to get solved. Any other problem or bad habit I've had has been minor in comparison. Lately I've been on a really good streak of living a disciplined life and getting rid of bad habits. Just building a lot of momentum and getting rid of these bad habits... but nothing at all like quitting drugs and alcohol or the problems those caused in my life. Also at least for me a way different strategy to change.

July 10 + Spiritual practice: Good today. Motivated to do a chanting session during lunch. It's a cool skill I've learned and proud of my progress. + Attitude of service: Trying to be helpful at work. Good outward energy. Was Friday so the gas tank was a little low and I was a little frustrated at times today. / Life habits: Generally good but ate some chips at my sisters house when I went to visit. I need to not make any compromises on diet. + Positive/optimistic: Good here. Was faced with some frustration at work but it never threw me off + Freedom from fear, worry, self pity, doubt: Good here. Overall: Solid day. I would've liked to maintain more focus at work, but generally pretty good. It was friday and I was faced with some difficulties but I actually did okay. Had a strong feeling of God's presence in my life driving up to my sisters house. Really things are changing for me. I'm getting closer day by day to the person I should become. God's got an ideal for me and has some potential for me. If I'm willing to make the changes and do the work day by day I'll be good.

Good luck. I agree with the way you look at things. Real sex is way better. July 22nd I'll have a year no porn. So many benefits and so worth it. You got this!

July 9 + Spiritual practice: Good here. A little drowsy and not in sharp concentration in morning meditation. But I put in good effort and finished strong. + Attitude of service: Good. Not stuck in self. Not worried about my problems and how to arrange life to suit me. I have good outward energy and I'm trying to be helpful at work. + Life habits: Good. I'm in good shape upping my pull ups every morning to 10 outward facing grip (hard) and 10 inward facing grip (easier). I can def do 10, did it today. That's a good indicator of strength. Especially at 40 yo. I think I gotta be in at least top 10% shape, most likely top 5%. I'm hiking mountains, riding bikes, doing push ups and pull ups. Feel fantastic. + Positive attitude: Really good. I was faced with a little adversity prior to lunch. But kept up really good positive energy. Since I've gotten home I've noticed a lot of thoughts like "I can do it" "the future is gonna be good" this is exactly where I need to be. + Freedom from fear, worry, self pity, doubt: Really good here. This is how I should feel. Safe and distanced from these. / Resentment/feeling offended: Had slight adversity today over comments from my boss. She had some critical things to say which are okay. I definitely understand her point of view. She's right. Problem was still initial reaction is feeling offended and resentful or critical. Not hugely so but in a minor way. Good news is I recognized this and then stepped back at lunch and committed to being positive and keeping up an attitude of service at work and being helpful to her. As long as I have a willingness to do this nothing like this will grow into a problem. Overall: Strong day. Felt content and useful. Just keep this train rolling!

July 8 + Spiritual practice: Really good today. I did a chanting session over lunch. I was mentally more fresh and it went really well. Morning practice of prayer, meditation, reflection, spiritual reading was good. + Attitude of service: Doing good. Taking on responsibility at work. Trying to work hard and efficient. Trying to do my best. Generally good outward energy toward the world. + Life habits: Good. Eating clean, exercising, cold showers, WHM breathing, good motivation and energy +Positive attitude: Really good today, never fell into negativity + Freedom from fear, worry, self pity, doubt. No sign of these today. This is how I should always feel. It's been awhile since I've had this much freedom. It's a direct result of all the work I'm doing spiritually, plus the forward movement I have toward a goal in life. I'm feeling productive and useful. In the past these negative thoughts and emotions have dragged me down. I feel liberation. Sometimes they come back but for a short period. Point is I can't give up on my spiritual practice... that will sink me. - Resentment: was resentful at a co worker. Nothing major, but still there. I found myself being judgmental when she was speaking and my internal reaction wasn't positive. I need to catch this now and counter this. She is actually trying to be helpful, and is contributing to our project. Maybe we just have communication styles that are a little different. Sometimes people don't naturally vibe. Regardless, I want to work on being more receptive and positive. Overall: Strong day. Hung out with the girl I met yesterday. Went well. Really cool person. Not sure if it's a match, but she's cool and I hope to see her some more. We had some good conversations about spirituality. She's catholic and goes to church regularly which is cool. We talked some and although we're both interested in spirituality we might have more different in this area also. It's hard to tell now, we can talk some more, but I definitely have a more open interpretation of spirituality and life. I'm a little worried we may be looking for different things. Who knows though can't judge right away. Beyond that all around good day. It's just a day at a time, just give my best effort and make some progress.

July 7 + Spiritual practice: Good morning session of meditation, reflection, prayer. Did spiritual reading. Will chant in a bit. good routine of things + Attitude of service: Good here. Today at work was genuinely trying to be helpful to others. Was not stuck in self and my interpretation of things. Had good outward energy and looking to contribute. + Life habits: really good. Up early and had a good work out. Hit on all the elements Feeling great. I did eat a piece of cake today which I never do. But i hung out with a girl and she made it so it was worth it. It was tasty. + Positive Attitude: Came strong today. No negativity in sight. Felt energized and great. Had a great morning at work and rode the wave. + Freedom from fear, worry, self pity, doubt: Really good here. This goes hand in hand with the positive attitude. Lived in confidence today. I love days like this where I'm leaning into the future and embracing the day. Not everyday will be like this, but if I can feel like this frequently then I'm good. + Social interaction: Talked to a pretty girl today and hung out with her. Just happened naturally which was nice. I was on a walk and she lives right around the corner from me. I wish it were always this easy to meet people. Anyway, had fun and hopefully see her again and see what happens. Overall: Honestly a pretty solid and perfect day. Of course nothing is ever perfect perfect, but today was pretty close. Even apart from hanging out with a girl which was of course good. Overall the biggest thing was how I felt, just energized and connected to God. That's what I want to maintain and grow. That connection and feeling. My strategy is to have daily spiritual practice combined with an attitude of service. Over time as I make those things regular I think my connection will grow. Even now I've been really regular and most of my days are really good. If I can up it a little more I'll have a really strong baseline of mostly fantastic days where I feel content and useful.

July 6 + Spiritual practice: Back into the normal swing of things. I had a good morning session of reflection, meditation, prayer. Throughout the day I stayed spiritually aware and centered. Might find enough energy now to chant. Overall good. + Attitude of service: I would say good. I volunteered to help at work. I tried to be helpful to others. I made myself available. Overall I wasn't focused on my own plans and what I want out of things. More just wanted to contribute. + Life habits. Back to normal feels good. good diet today. Cold shower, WHM breathing, sleep was good last night. Up at 4:30am. Exercise. All things I should be doing. Back on retention after release yesterday. Got to stick to the once a week routine. It really optimizes discipline and performances, is difficult but also a realistic standard. And I still get pleasure but within bounds of a spiritually focused and oriented life. Can't back away from these. / Positive attitude: Kinda neutral. Less optimistic about work and the future. A little bit of doubt about things. Didn't feel electric. Normally I've been a little more ont he side of feeling electric about things, just positive and optimistic. Maybe it's just a question of getting back into the groove. / Freedom from fear, worry, self pity, doubt: Okay, but not great. Still questioning myself from time to time about leaving my last job. I have come up with a core belief to try to counter that... everything happens for a reason. There were things I needed to learn and experiences I needed to have. I'm exactly where I need to be, confronting all the things I need to confront. Had some fear over the future becasue of this and doubt about work. Gonna bounce back stronger tomorrow. / Social interaction: Okay at work... but I want to be a more positive and forceful person that really makes peoples day. Next time I go in I want to up my dose of positivity and interact better. Overall: When I close my eyes and assess my day, good day. i moved forward not backward, did far more good than bad, but also was in a little fear and negativity which I want to identify so I can avoid it tomorrow. Part of it is because of the long term nature of some of my goals, how we never really arrive, but always are forced to struggle ahead and strive for our best. This all seems overwhelming, but I got to focus at a day at a time and just improve a little bit. So I need to just accept this as the nature of the challenge, there will be continuous struggle, some bad days, but ultimately I'm doing really well and if I keep this up good things will come about for me. Also today I'm starting to realize I want to meet a girl. As much as I like all the hiking, biking, and adventure I have at this point I could cut back on that and try to date. So I pretty much have to start talking to girls again if I want to make progress here. Just suck it up like I have in the past. Just make this another good habit that will have benefit also. I'm really on a great path, and got a lot to offer, so I got to do this work if I want to meet someone.

July 5 Back after going camping. Went out to Canyonlands National Park, the Needles District. Amazing and magical. Canyonlands is my fave, #1. During camping, I did very brief sessions of reflection, prayer and review. Definitely subpar by my standards, but for camping I guess it was adequate. I did notice I didn't have the same focus or positivity, even though I was on a mini vacation. Being outside and in solitude hiking has some opportunity for the mind to wander into some places. But never fell into negativity and I've left more motivated. So today I did a quick morning reflection by the roadside at sunrise before leaving the park. Actually kind of cool. Just did chanting and a short meditation which was good. Now doing review. So even today I've done okay. Excited for this week and to get back to my routine and really put spirit at the center of it all. I feel like I'm on a really good path and I want to keep this up obviously. I want to trust God and rely on God to transform me and make me able to meet life's demands and difficulties. I was reflecting on this while camping. There is still some doubt over leaving my last job. There's still some doubt about me being good at this job I have now. There is some fear about the choices I've made. There's some fear about the future also. I definitely have done well so far with relying on God and putting spiritual practice at the center of my life. I want to keep this up. I also want to commit to this opportunity. Really give it my all, and not hold back because of fear and insecurity. So that's really it, doing my best at work and committing to it even further. I've got good motivation and I want to keep God in my life to avoid the pitfalls of fear, anxiety, self pity, self absorption, etc. So that's it for today, a solid day but abnormal circumstances, out of nromal routine

July 1 + Spiritual practice: Good here. I got the routine down, most important part of my day is getting right with God and maintaining spiritual contact. + Attitude of service: Did good here. Looked to always have outward energy. Trying to contribute. Not stuck in self or trying to arrange life to benefit me. Running on the fuel of helping others or at least trying to. Plus met up with a sponsee. + Life habits: Solid here. This is also the norm. Slipped up a couple days ago eating snacks, but I don't like letting myself down. Back to clean diet. Being able to get into a cold shower does a lot for every other habit I have. If I'm willing to do that the rest feel easier. + Freedom from fear, worry, self pity. This is the trifecta of suckiness. I've been here before, but not now. Even after a tough day at work yesterday I bounced back today. Never slid into these. + Positivity/optimism: Felt great today. stayed really positive. More excited about the future. Yesterday a little doubt crept in because of a mistake at work and I started questioning my ability and I got just a little negative. I fought it off. Today not really negative at all. Overall: Really solid day