TrippyMindSubstance

Cant Hurt Me by David Goggins is my favourite by far

@Moksha I'm not sure what its like for awareness to exist without interpretation. That experience is hard to pin down because it feels like if I stop interpreting, I will "fall asleep" and disappear in a way.

@Moksha Hmm, awareness can currently be aware of itself as a human who is interpreting things. So awareness is interpreting things, because awareness is whatever it is experiencing. Awareness is seeing, and seeing is interpreting.

That's cool

The interpretation and the experience are one. But then I can go meta and interpret the interpretation.

I am my imagination and my imagination is it

Hmm. I have an interpretation of this moment. If the moment was static, my interpretation of it could change, changing the moment. Making time move through my imagination. Although my interpretation is kind of another static part of the moment. These interpretations move through my experience, and I can currently interpret these interpretations as God creating them, based off my understanding of the idea of God.

And this "no-thing" is whatever our mind allows it to be. Our mind turns it from "no-thing" to any "thing" it imagines it to be, within it's known constraints. I don't know how to remove these constraints or what exactly will happen if I do.

I see Leo is online right now. I've had him speak to me as God through his videos, but I've never spoken to him as God. But doing that now is possible in my current model of reality! So, hello @Leo Gura, as God, not as the Leo avatar.

What is the best way you can think of to interpret what is currently happening right now, on my end, on your end, between "us" as conscious beings or whatever?

I have a lot of constraints in my mind about how I can interpret this moment and have it be considered "the truth". I have a lot of constraints in my mind about what could happen "next", but even though all those constraints are there, they are finite, and there are still many ways in which whatever happens next or whatever this exact moment means could be considered logical and fit my current model of "truth". I can imagine interpretations of this moment. One of those interpretations could be that this is all god right in front of me. God is what is "animating" me. When I say God is "animating" me, I mean God is dictating the movement of the current expression of Him/It that is appearing inside my consciousness, meaning the movement/change of feelings inside "my body", as well as the arrangement of what I see in my vision, sounds that move in and out of my consciousness etc. So God is doing that. I definitely can't prove that he's not doing that. So even though he's in control of that, my power comes from interpreting what is currently happening, as well consciously altering the rearrangement of my actions/present moment, but with limits. Within those limits, I have the power to make myself make a post on this forum. My current model of reality allows the possibility of what happens next is that all the responses to this post to be God. So.. what's up God, tell me something

I'm more saying that figuring out how to get up again and function will ultimately be a spiritual process, even if it doesn't feel like it at first. And I also think if mostly what spirituality is for you at this moment is an escape, then ironically, you won't make much spiritual progress pursuing spirituality intensely at this stage in your life. Now there is nuance to it, I don't think you should give it up for good necessarily, but I think your primary focus needs to be "getting your shit together" whatever that means for you, rather than taking the approach that it feels like you're taking which seems to be "I don't know how to get my shit together and I don't know if I can, so I will just pursue spirituality and enlightenment so I don't have to deal with all that". There is clearly lots for you to work on in terms of getting back up on your feet and being properly functional again. I don't know what caused the burn out for you, but you need to learn how to fix that. Maybe you just need to learn to rest properly, maybe you got burnt out because you were working so hard towards something you didn't actually care that much about, and you need to spend this time finding a more appropriate life purpose. You said you've been in isolation since the pandemic started, you need to figure out how to fix that. Even if everything is locked down, you need to figure out how to connect with people more online or whatever until you can do so in person. These are things that if you have the money for, it could be very very effective to see a therapist for, at least 3 or 4 times, but probably more if possible. Don't underestimate someone like a therapist to be kind of like a guru for you. Remember, there is no difference really between a "guru", a therapist, or some random person you talk to on the street. Ultimately it's all the same One Being. When the student is ready, the teacher appears, and the "teacher" is always everywhere, trying to communicate to you through your feelings, through other people, through random ideas you get, and through online forum posts like this one. The more honest you are with yourself about your feelings and desires, and the less attached you get to how things are supposed to unfold/how enlightenment is supposed to happen, the faster you will be able to progress. Keep your mind open, and remember, whatever you have to face in this process of getting back up on your feet, is the exactly what you need to face and deal with in order to get closer to enlightenment.

My assessment: The first thing I would tell you is that basically everything you wrote in your post is just your mind going crazy. So many "concepts", and it appears that you're not currently aware that this present moment is "empty" and blissful, until your mind starts adding so much "baggage" to it. What reeeally helped me with this was Leo's episode "What is actuality". If you've seen it, I would recommend re-watching it again and then going back and re-reading your post to see how much "concept and imagination" you are lost in. Secondly, and at this moment probably more importantly, is that it sounds like you are currently suffering from some depression, and are using spirituality to try and escape from it. The paradox here is that the "spirituality" in this approach will only push you further into depression, anhedonia, etc. and the most "spiritual" thing you can do is actually deal with your depression in the "real world". You state that you suffer. You state that "My life is not about beauty or pleasure or curiosity, it's mainly about escape, finding a solution to suffering and freeing myself from the burden of existence/incarnation. It's all about preventing suffering for tomorrow and truth." Without giving a "spiritual" answer, what exactly is causing your suffering? Give me a "real world" answer, for example, "I hate my job", "It's too difficult to work 8 hours a day", "I don't find joy in things even when I'm not working", "I wish I had a beautiful girlfriend", "I wish I had enough money to just meditate and pursue enlightenment freely all day, but I have to work" etc. Once you identify what these problems are, you will notice that there are obstacles to overcoming them. Overcoming those obstacles are your path to enlightenment. Enlightenment requires mastery of the mind in a sense, and it should quickly become clear that your mind is the only thing preventing you from overcoming your problems. Overcoming the next obstacle towards your next goal is your "next step towards enlightenment", not sitting around meditating, looking for an "I", looking for "eternity" etc.. That will all come in due time, but at the moment, I believe you will find the most spiritual gains and understanding about your "self" from being honest with yourself about what you actually want from life, and trying to get it. You might think that changing your external circumstances won't make you happy. But do you actually know that? Have you had everything you've wanted in life and still been in a position where all you cared about was escape and preventing the suffering of tomorrow? Or do you just feel that way because you're genuinely unhappy with where you are in life at the moment and deep down you still wish you had money or relationships or whatever, and because you can't get those, you're seeking out the alternative which is spirituality and "enlightenment". Obviously I could be wrong, but I'm curious about the answer to that.

Thanks guys, and @Nahm I will try that out

I have, but there doesn't seem to be much of a correlation between the amount of water I drink and the frequency/intensity of pain. @kag101 Thanks for the advice, I'm guessing I won't be able to get an appointment with a rheumatologist unless I try a bunch of other stuff first, so next on that list is probably physio, maybe a psychologist to help me relax more effectively as well. @BipolarGrowth @Seeker531 I will experiment more with both turning the pain into a meditation object and also doing the exact opposite to see if taking my focus away from it can be effective. Thanks guys.