meow_meow

So this is what Leo means by "You are a strange loop" - This "I" who's looking for itself, while being itself? Also, who or what creates this illusion "I"? If it's an illusion - should it be killed? Is the point to literally kill myself? (Not physically ofc)

Thanks, that really is a great pointer. However - you mentioned to remove "even the perceiver" by this I asume that you mean this body and this "I" as a perciever? Or did you mean that heck knows what that somehow percieves what this body percieves?

This picture is acurate of how I picture my current situation. I am aware that I am is asking myself "who am I?" But this "I" is itself the one who is asking and the one it is looking for, both at the same time. It's like I'm playing hide and seek with myself! But at times when I'm able to silence the voice and thoughts and there is no personality, identity aka "I" .. Who is aware? To be honest I can't even in words find the right question to ask. I'm just confused about what to .. experience? Look at? while in this state.

I had a visualization of me sitting where I was sitting but with no identity, just a piece of meat with a psyche, no different than a chair or a table, or any other object. As soon as I felt that I got so scared, anxious and terriefied that I stopped my session - however, this was ~2-3 weeks ago. This realisation of "bamboozled by myself" happened today ~4 hours ago.

Don't drop the book. If you haven't really done any more or less serious shadow work before, you'll be thankfull that you finished that book and did the work. Discipline = self love. But I'm shocked that Leo doesn't have any in-depth videos of shadow work. Also are you still freaking out?

It's not that simple. It's hard for most men (and women) to abstain from sex and if no sex is available - masturbation, due to the fact that it gives you pleasure - both psychological and physical. Pleasure = dopamine. Same applies for food, there are 3 major ingredients in food that trigger higher levels of dopamine : 1. Sugar 2. Salt 3. Fat Basically the whole junk food industry runs on these 3 tastes. Yes, you are absolutely right that these actions target dopamine, and target them hard as fuck. And as we already know, dopamine can be addictive. My suggestion to you would be to abstain from any pornography and shitty food for 30 days. If you can't or have heavy urges - bad news, you might have an addiction. If you have an addiction, just abstaining from shitty food and porn won't help you. You have to go deeper and look within what is causing this behaviour. (self-hate, boredom, stress etc) But how to deal with addictions is a whole different story. Good luck.

Not any more, it was beyond terrifying only for the first time. The fear was automatic, came out of nowhere and I couldnt fall asleep normally for the following 2-3 days. During my previous sessions even after getting the same result of no identity it was no longer that scary, just weird or didn't trigger any emotional response at all.

So I've been on this journey of self help for about a year now and been meditating almost daily for ~6 months now (30 mins). ~5 months ago I started doing +- serious enlightenment work by doing self-enquiry every other day, sometimes daily (40mins). No psychedelics. Recently I managed to get trough the phase of asking questions "Who am I?" "What is I?" What are thoughts, what is that voice in my head, what is language?" etc. And managed to get to the phase of just "looking" or focusing on direct experience without active thoughts (Atleast for periods up to ~1min x maybe 3-5 times during my session) And at some moment I somehow got the thought, the feeling of "I" and locked it in my awareness. So what happened is, I managed to realise that this "I" is just a container of previous experience, thoughts->emotions, story, beliefs etc, which is completely fictive, can be changed and rebuilt. So what happened is, as soon as I got the "I" under my awareness, my brain came up with a visualization of me sitting where I was sitting but just as a piece of meat, with a psyche bot absolutely no identity, just as an object no different than any other physical object. This experice sent me to levels of fear I have experienced maybe just a few times in my life, it was in words unaxplaineble panic, fear, anxiety x10. For the first time, I opened my eyes and stopped my session. I was sitting there for ~1min experiencing some sort of depersonalization, like "I" was no longer this "I" but no different that a fucking chair or a table or any object around me. I felt like I'm about to cry, like I was being abused, lol. I stopped doing any enlightenment work for a few weeks after that, and for the past week I restarted this process of self-enquiry. And what happened? The same! No matter what, during my session I get to the point of no identity -> no "I" just a physicall object with a psyche. I get to experience this for short periods of time and after ending my session it still lasts for a few minutes. The problem is that there is some sort of "feeling" a "need" to attach this "I" to something else. So my question is - what the hell ? What exactly is going on? Is this supposed to happen?

Hahahahah, theres time and place for everything, your signature just reached it's full potential!

Haha. It certainly feels like it tho ..

Yes, I recently had a similar experience while doing self-inquiry, after ~20mins I finally got out of the questioning zone and into just "looking" state and for some reason my brain came up with a visualization of me sitting where I was sitting but I had no identity whatsoever, just a pieace of meat, with a brain and psyche, but no "I or me" feeling attached to me. I got so freaked out and scared that I for the first time interrupted self-inquiring.. Couldnt really sleep for the following few days. But something changes after these experiences, IMO you sorta leveled up.

All hail the chosen one!

My father used to beat the shit out of me and my mother. As a result of that I myself became a bully in school, but social workers and later - the police quickly learned me a lesson. Years later I realized that I got scared/felt uncomfortable in situations when there were men around me who were the same age as my father back then. I just sort of 'froze' around them, felt fearful, uncomfortable and anxious. This of course impacted my relationship with coworkers/friend parents etc. The deep root issue was that As a child who was witnessing his mother getting beat up, I couldn't run, I couldn't fight so I just froze. And this 'freezing' was the same emotional response to older men around me ~15 years later. I have eventually figured and sorted this out, but I assume there are many guys/gals who are not aware of this.

This on top of what OP was/is experiencing now will really freak OP out even more once he/she really, really realizes it. It came to me almost the same time when I had the same experience. And to be honest, this is one of the hardest 'facts' to swallow and live with for me.

Once again, unfortunately, I can relate, here is my top 5 what causes brain fog for me: 1. Masturbation. - Stop jerking off so often, keep it to once a week or even less. 2. Alcohol/drugs - no need to explain this one. (I don't know about psychedelics, but I'm talking about weed/MDMA/Coke) 3. Cigarettes - same as above. 4, Sleep - Go to sleep (or atleast try to) at the same time everyday, and wake up the same time. 5. Meditation - Develop a meditation habit (Leo has videos on this) Start working out and work on your nutrition. In general - most brain fog, slow thinking, bad metabolism are mostly related to unhealthy lifestyle. Work on it.

Trough suffering I was actually checking out Eliot Hulse during my time of addictions/depression, he got me into baby steps of self help and working out. Leo just popped up on my suggested videos in YouTube with topics that were and still are relateble, and I started getting deeper into self help. The next thing I know my life has turned a 360 (to the better) and I'm 4 months into enlightenment work, freaking out almsot weekly. heh.

A lot of fellow gamblers here. I can totally relate. I started gambling by the age of 18 and only managed to admint to myself that I'm addicted ~1 year ago, and I'm 27 now, so that's almost 8 years of gambling (~3 from which was 'heavy' gambling) I've lost a lot of money and I know that goddamn feeling of self-hate when you've lost it all.. and you do it again.. and again.. and again. It's funny how each time when I lost I told myself - "That's it, this is the last time when I'll gamble" but it was never the last time. Never. In you'r post you mentioned this: Listen, this may sound harsh but You most likely will gamble again. Not even once but a dozen times. (Even tho I hope not, but that's the reality for most people) From my experience - all that blocking yourself from casinos, online casinos, switching to other types of gambling wont help. You'r gambling problem is the tip of the iceberg, the reason why you're doing it is beneath it, and I mean you most likely have some inner work to do, probably shit-tons of work. Start to study your own psychology, your current problems, how you feel etc. What could be the root issues that you might not even admit to yourself that led to this compulsive behavior? 1. Admin to yourself, truly, that you have a gambling problem / addiction. 2. Stop telling yourself that you are impulsive, have zero-control etc. Swith to positive self talk (Leo has videos on this) 3. Avoid alcohol->gambling. 4. Try to really understand and realise that casinos are only open and running just because people loose money there, how else would they exist? 5. Study the mechanics of slot machines, card games etc - how they work, and how they fuck you in the ass. 6. Remember exactly how bad it felt when you lost your money next time when you will gamble. (Go trough the full memories, with visualisations in your head) I truly hope you'll sort this out. Edit: Feel free to PM me If you need my advice on this.

Yep. I had exactly the same reaction that night when 'it happened.' You'll probably freak out for a few days, will have trouble falling asleep, but after that it'll be just 'meh' but Your perspective will never ever be thay way it was, and you can't unthink/forget this..

Yes, I can totally relate, even tho your experience sounds a little different than mine, I think the basics is just the same. 'It' hit me ~1month ago, and to be honest for the past few weeks I really, really hated enlightenment work and everything that comes along with it, I never expected spirituality to be what it is. Once I really reallised what its all about I felt the same emotions as you do. But for the last Week I got a hold of my balls and restarted doing self-inquiry and meditation again. But it's hell of a lot diffetent now than it was. (You can read about my exp Here if you're interested) Don't worry, there will be ego backlash, but after that this new state will be your new default. One of the forum mods posted this: And it freaked me out even more

So I've been into this journey of self-actualization for a bout a year now and meditating daily for the past ~7months. For the past 3 months I've been doing enlightenment work - Self inquiry 30mins almost daily. (I love to start my topics with my enlightenment stats) Recently I came to a realization that there is no question to be asked about existance, since questions cannot be applied within that 'place'. I realised that the story of me (my name, profession, personal traits, beliefs, behavior etc) is completely fictive. I have realized that 'I' or 'me' is a concept, therefore the question - 'Who am I?' or 'What am I'? no longer makes sense, it's just not the right question to ask anymore. That leaves me with a question 'What am?' but yet again - this question is also not the right question to ask, because 'What' is something, and therefore cannot be 'the real me'. So this leaves me with a dead end. There are no more questions to be asked while doing self-inquiry. Where do I go from here?

So I've been doing enlightenment work for ~2months and meditating almost daily for the past ~7months. (I love to start my topics with my enlightenment stats) It is at this point that I've considered to maybe try out Psychedelics, this idea is mostly influenced by this forum and Leo's videos even tho I'm fully aware that no mather what it will be my decision to take them or not. The thing is that I had a relatively close family member - my grandmother, who suffered from serious case of schizophrenia (psychosis, massive paranoia, voices etc) and I've studied articles about how Psychedelics can trigger schizophrenia especially if one has a family history of such illnesses. So would you guys suggest - should I try them out or no?

Just watched the episode "Life is a dream" and it left me with more questions than answers. I've had a dream where I walk in my room and see myself sleeping, then realising that, if I'm sleeping in my bed, so how can I be here? And immediately after realising that I'm actually asleep and start lucid dreaming (creating whatever environment around me, superhuman powers etc) and after the dream - wake up. And realise that I had the control to control my dream. So how come I can't control my life as I can control lucid dreams? Also if this is a dream, then it means that all of you, who are reading this post are in my dream, and therefore - you are all me?

To be honest - my gut instinct sais no, but I assume it could be related to how I was raised (mentality - Drugs, alcohol = bad). I understand that neither those studies, neither this forum can be held as a valid resource. It will still be my own choice to take them or not, and my own responsibility if I fuck up. Anyway, thanks everyone who responded and expressed their opinion on this.

No, I don't. I'm prone to anxiety/paranoia on marijuana tho.

So I've been into self improovement for a year now, and meditating daily for ~7 months For the last month I've been doing enlightenment work daily for about ~30 minutes (without psychedelics) I've been trough some really bad times during my story (You can read about it Here If you're interested) To be honest - while meditating approx ~5 months into it, I started asking myself questions 'What is this voice in my head? is it a thought? where did it come from? how was it constructed? why is it talking in my native language only? etc' - basically I got into enlightenment more or less naturally. At this point I choose to believe that I'm not awakened nor am I enlightened. In fact - I've come to a realization that there's no one to become enlightened. There is no me as I use to believe (or simply assume), and on top of that 'I' or 'me' can't get enlightened - if I choose to indentify with this body and the fucking story that was attached to it this whole damn time then only thing that has happened to me is a shitton of shifts in thinking, views and awareness. At this point I've realized that I've always been here, everything I assumed was the outter world and inner world is just one. Since time is relative I've realized that I was actually never born. (this body was physically born of course) Everything is a story, even Leo's theory of enlightenment is a story, god is a story. Every damn-thing I believed and assumed to be true has collapsed, my previous thinking and ways of percieving reality is simply smashed into pieces. I've thought about death in details, a lot, even contemplated and visualized my death. - Not because of these negative emotions, since I'm not depressed - actually I'm quite happy, and aware of being happy makes me kinda less happy, but still happy. lol I feel sick, I'm watching negative emotions flow trough me , and as I'm getting deeper into enlightent it just gets sorta worse. And the worst part of this - there is no turning back, I've stopped doing any work besides meditation for a week now, but I guess this is here to stay. Thoughts?