The observer

@yellowschnee Fetishes aren't well understood. Some suggest that they mainly form during early childhood. I don't buy it. I think that they mainly form due to deprivation. If you desire to be humiliated and killed by a woman, then that must mean that, on a subconscious level, you are willing to die to get laid because you couldn't get laid easily in your entire life, i.e your mind has recontextualized eroticism to fit your life and psychological needs. A foot fetish means that a person would kiss feet to get laid because they think they are not good enough to get laid, so they do their best (kissing feet) to be accepted by the other person. In your case, your mind paints the woman as someone who will never be satisfied unless she humiliates you to death. Your desire to please the woman is natural, but your mind distorts it in unhealthy ways that involve death. I would say the cure to this is to have plenty of regular sex. Your subconscious mind will need time to recalibrate. Eventually, those extreme desires will flat out when you don't feed into them but rather when you feed into what your mind-body originally desires, which is healthy peak experiences.

I smoked different brands on and off only with friends but never bought my own packet. I was trying to be open-minded about smoking. I must say I'd experienced some tranquiliser effects, but then I'd noticed that I started craving more and that my baseline level of tranquillity had decreased i.e. I started feeling more agitated on a regular basis unless I smoke. At that point, I knew that it was a trap and that things would only get worse. So, from that moment on, I decided to stop accepting any cigarettes whatsoever. Still, I wasn't done. I'd see my friends smoking and I'd want to have one. It was a little bit difficult to me, especially when they stopped offering me cigarettes. I felt left out, like I didn't exist. That was mainly the motivation behind my desire to smoke to begin with. I wanted to belong with my friends. I wanted to belong with the group. I believe that's what motivates most people to start smoking, or really anticipate with anything new. If that's the case for you, then I'd introspect deeply into it. That inquiry alone could unravel the whole idea and paint it as silly. Just my 2 cents.

It's interesting to hear that you've been on the two opposing sides of free will. Have you noticed that when you're under the spell, you just can't tell?

Injustice is an egoic judgement which literally means that a specific pov is not equal to another. And while it is completely true, it is a contracted and a biased judgement. There is no equality in life, that's just a fact. But is inequality a problem? Or is it just a stage Green problem?

What isn't a dogma? Your advice?

@iceprincess It sure is difficult. But as always and as with everything, what you resist persists. You say that you want to get over him and that you've tried so hard for 6 years. That sure has been a turmoil. But how about trying the counter-intuitive approach for a change? How about you stop trying to get over him but instead you start leaning into the thoughts that you have about him? Look closer and deeper. What is there but thoughts? Are there emotions? How are the emotions and thoughts connected with each other? You see. In this approach, you're facing your fears instead of trying to hide/bury them under the surface. You're actually doing what your feelings have been telling you to do all along; To look closer, to acknowledge them, and to know yourself. Don't be afraid. Thoughts have no power over you. They're just thoughts. Embrace your pain. Express it. Talk about it. Eventually, it will spontaneously go away. And always remember; It will pass, whatever it is. Nothing remains forever.

It's crazy how it is! A while ago, I read something in one of Keyhole's journals, probably the one about Alchemy project - I'm pissed that she's deleted it before I could finish reading. Anyway, I didn't pay much attention at the time. I was reading just because I was interested in the material. Now it hit me. I have something of what's called "grandiosity" or something like that, where I believe in the deepest parts of my being that I am special, that I am the saviour, that I am the centre of the universe. These thoughts keep reoccurring to me, and I usually dismiss them like they've never existed. But they don't go away, even though everything in my life indicates that, logically, my life will never unfold in any meaningful way, but rather that it will end drastically in the most disastrous devastating way. Yet, I still subconsciously believe that things will magically change, and that I will be someone important in the human history. To be honest, I don't even want that. And I know that all of it is illusory. But thanks to my mum who imprinted me with these ideas since I was a little kid - she would manipulate me physically, mentally, and emotionally to achieve her ideals. She would always tell me that I will become a successful person and that I will be rich and happy. I honestly don't want these things. I was not aware of this layer of my ego. Crazy!

@Someone here ???

@Someone here It doesn't help you to say things you don't actually know. Be yourself. Be skeptical until you know. Don't be a sheep just because you don't feel like you belong. Don't let the masses affect you. Don't let them change you by making you feel inferior. You're not inferior. Be who you are. @Tetcher It's not my problem that you don't get it. And with your attitude, I won't even bother and explain, even though it's very clear what I said.

There cannot be "non-existence". There can only be an experience of existence or a no-experience of existence. Experience of existence is what we call your waking life (perception). No-experience of existence is everything else except your individual waking life. For the latter, you don't experience it, you only have thoughts about it in your experience of existence. That's how the two intertwine. It's really simple, but people are deluded and make everything complex. Everything I said here and everything anyone will ever say about this topic is unnecessary. A lot of delusion and mental masturbation going on here. People aren't able to distinguish between their thoughts and reality. And also people fail to understand that their understanding is based on paradigms which they don't even question. There could be no proper understanding without stepping out of all paradigms, including the "direct experience" paradigm, which is based on faulty assumptions, such as nihilism and solipsism. No wonder why this paradigm produces these particular two results consistently.

That's a concept. Actually there is only concepts. ?

There's nothing wrong with ego, except for the ego. Tricky.

I would say it depends on what you choose to include inside this magical IT. You've clearly reached a deep point at realisation. You've emptied your cup, fully. But the cup isn't necessarily meant to be empty forever. That's part of the magic, if you allow it to be. You're half-way through. But continue, there's more.. Illusion also is. Do you see it?

Life is the house of illusion, of narcissism, of love. If you can't submit to that, and if you're not efficient enough, you're gonna get kicked out soon. Life cares, but death doesn't. Life wants you to spread delusion, to spread love. It's all fine. Maybe you don't belong here. Maybe you're already dead. Life is also the house of duality, of balance, of opposites. You can't just go and live in the extremes. You gotta always level down to where things are at. The more paradoxical and complicated you are, the more blessed you'll be. Life worships complexity and it walks over simplicity. Deny that and see. You will die.

I love myself. And you should too. If you can't do that, then that's only because you don't love yourself. I feel sorry for you, but not really. I love you as you are, ignorant. How narcissistic am I? Perhaps the most. I don't care. You're just as much narcissistic as I am. Only you deny it and cover it up with all sorts of stories and judgements. It starts with judgements. You're banning yourself from love. Everytime anyone shows you any amount of love, you shy away and reject it like you don't deserve it. Do you know who's feeding on this misdirected love? Your ego. You don't let love in, and you don't give love to yourself either. There's this feeling of guilt, like love is not for you. Well, it helps if you recognise that and admit it. Just look into the mirror. That was narcissus's weakness. You're afraid of falling in love with yourself. Why? Because you're too vulnerable and love comes way too strong. It's gonna be okay. There's no wrong way to live life. It's just a zero-sum game.

Oneness ☯️ Positive from the yin pov is negative from the yang pov and vice-versa. It's infinitely more complicated than this simple duality, but that's how it is. Life is a zero-sum game.

That's partly what I'm saying. Of course, it's all about integration. But there's more. What is the main motive for any human behaviour other than survival? I mean, after ensuring your basic survival, what motivates you to keep working? If it's just survival, then you would stop striving for more after you have your basic needs met. But no, all of us (maybe most of us, not sure) want to climb up the ladder. Why? Because expansion is an innate desire and a natural component of our being. Death is imaginary, we know that on a subconscious level. That's why we don't concern ourselves with the idea of death all the time, because it's limiting. Evolution describes that as: survival for the fittest. The fittest here being the most effective ego. The more expansive your ego is, the more chances you have at survival, success, and happiness. Having a more integrated/expansive ego goes hand in hand with your own health and the well-being of your environment. It's nature doing its magic in even more subtle ways.

Take responsibility for your own life. When you care too much about someone, they're gonna automatically subconsciously assume that you are needy. And even if they are conscious, needy is still not attractive because it feels like a drag. It's just too much pressure and it's unsustainable on the long term. And yes, it is your problem, not theirs. People get attracted to attractive stuff, and they get turned off by unattractive stuff. If you didn't know back then how to be attractive, it's fine, you can still learn. In fact, that's a very valuable lesson for you not to place too much importance on others but to instead be the leader of your own life.

@Extreme Z7 @remember I agree. However, you still miss my point. I'm talking about the motivation in action that makes one strive for more. It's survival in the sense that it moves him away from death, so that's self-preservation. But it's not survival in the sense that he does not even think about death at all at that point, that's self-expansion. The key distinction here is that whether the person is consciously considering death or not. There's no doubt that we all subconsciously don't want to die. But the point still stands, that this is a more nuanced way to understand the problem. Instead of just lumping all human thinking and endeavour into one limiting category, we can make a little distinction and allow both self-preservation and self-expansion to come into the conscious mind. Because if I'm always consciously concerned about whether something is surviving me or not, then I'm never going to expand. To expand effectively, I would have to basically forget the concept of survival (life and death) entirely and move it into the subconscious mind. After all, that's what we all do. I don't know what the denial is about. At least with this perspective, when I put it out there, I know that I'm not using it to survive but rather to expand. Survival alone cannot explain that because it gets you in a strange loop situation. How can I survive my concept (ego) while not surviving it? It just doesn't hold water because the one who's preaching about survival is the one who's doing it and probably denying that he is. I hope you can see the problem. Expansion would be a more honest and accurate way to describe my actions. I can survive my concepts by expansion. No problems there. @RendHeaven It's expansion. You don't get it. Move on.

@EternalForest There's no reason why anyone does anything at all. Even if they say they have certain reasons, you're the one interpreting whatever they say. If I said that I love you, would you believe me? If yes, then, well, that's exactly the problem. You give away too much authority. Instead, suck it up and take responsibility. There's nothing personal about anything.

@Extreme Z7 Or, maybe you don't realise that you do/are. What is the relative insight(s) that you're trying to convey? That everything is survival? If yes, then welcome home.

That's a point where all maps stop working. It really depends on our definitions of survival, expansion, self-image, reputation, motivation, emotion, safety, etc... At that point, if I can say that it's all survival, then I can also say that it's all expansion. Because how do we define either of the concepts? Can we really separate them? Which one is the correct one? Or are they both correct? See, it becomes pointless to even talk and discuss about it because whatever you do is the same as anything else. Right now, we're having a discussion in the relative domain. Bringing down insights from the absolute is helpful, but we still have to make nuanced distinctions based on definitions and assumptions. Otherwise, we shouldn't be even talking.

Is exactly what I'm saying.

Degrees? From which point of reference? I think it doesn't matter what they call it. They don't understand what they're doing anyway. It only matters to us here as we're discussing. People can put different labels on similar things. It doesn't change the things themselves. Basic survival and ego survival are deeply intertwined. It's difficult to separate them, but it's possible. Ordinary unconscious people cannot separate them, but I can, and I hope you and Leo do.