soos_mite_ah

Update: I worked out, went on a walk, went out to dinner and ate at Chipotle, took a shower, and talked to a friend on the phone. I don't feel exhausted anymore and while I still feel lonely, I don't feel like I'm mentally ruminating on it in the same way. I think I just need to go to bed at this point and tomorrow will be a new day.

I'm just creating a separate journal for myself where I can pour all of my negative emotions into and just rant/ vent in. I'm not dealing with an influx of negative emotions rather I just want to have a separate space for this apart from my main journal where I have more constructive and coherent posts. I have been journalling privately about things like this so I can have the space to just let things out but sometimes I feel like I want to share things that are kind of in the middle of me spewing things out (which I can do privately) and me having more contructive thoughts (which I have been doing in my main journal).

Lonliness: So I have been feeling some lonliness. Life got busy and I haven't really hung out with my boyfriend for a week and we barely talked on the phone. Some things have come up at work and he has been working long hours for the past month or so. It hasn't really been bothering me personally but sometimes I do worry about him and I hope he's getting the rest that he needs. And my normal rhythm in the relationship is us hanging out twice a week with a couple of longer phone calls sprinkled in here and there. He ended up cancelling on me kind of last minute on Wednesday and I woke up on Thursday (yesterday) just feeling a little sad and wanting physical affection. I think this is a natural feeling and nothing to be concerned about. But the part that has me fucked up is the way my brain is interpreting this lonliness. My brain kind of went to this place of how so much of my social diet comes from my significant other and it sucks that my social life isn't what it was back when I was in school and college. While I do love my boyfriend, I do feel malnourished socially and I don't like him being such a large source of my social diet because so much of my life has been around friends and platonic relationships is something that I really value in my life. I don't like the feeling of knowing a good chunk of my eggs are in one basket and this small amount of lonliness was kind of a reminder of that which then led me to thinking about my platonic sense of lonliness. I have been dealing with platonic lonliness in some way or another since graduating. It's been difficult seeing relationships change and drift off over time because of changing priorities, life circumstances, and life challenging people (i.e toxic work environments, unsustainable hours taking up energy, bad romantic relationships). And sometimes I get sad. It not over a specific person not pouring into a relationship nor is it some kind of anxious/ avoidant attachment, but rather it's this feeling of isolation about how I feel like I care about and prioritize friendships differently from the people around me. Recently, I told my parents that I'm moving out of my current apartment and that I'm going to be living with my boyfriend. They are ok with it but they are panicking of how this will be received by their friends and community. They basically gave me a lecture that if I'm going to do this, I cannot let any of my childhood friends know about this because they're afraid that my childhood friends will tell their parents and then we will become the talk of the town. And their whole thing is that they are trying to process and come to terms with this and the last thing they need is having some aunty come up to them asking personal ass questions. Now, I know my friends are capable of exercising common sense and respecting boundaries. I have that degree of trust. But my parents went on this whole lecture on how my friends don't care about me, that everyone will talk shit behind my back, and I'm too trusting and naive in the way that I want to be authentic with people. My parents are very calculated and private people with walls to the sky and inability to connect to a lot of people. I can't say that I know the exact dynamics and ins and outs of their social circle (I'm sure some of those boundaries are very valid) but I can say that they do lead a kind of isolated life that I don't want to emulate and that seems exhausting to keep up with. However, their talks have been taking a toll and I can feel some unjustified paranoia rush over me as I begin to feel like my friends secretly hate me or that I'm overestimating my place in people's lives. I think this might be the last 5% of break up brain getting triggered from what my parents said but I do think this also triggers some other wounds I have in my childhood that they inflicted regarding being paranoid about everyone outside of the family and isolating oneself because no one can possibly love me outside of my family. It's a fucked up mindset and I can recognize that but I can't say that in times of emotional vulnerability that it doesn't affect me. I felt better last night after working out and going on a walk. Sure I was dealing with these feelings but I think it's good that I didn't rot in bed or doomscroll to cope. I felt myself clearing my head as I went on a walk and it was nice feeling the emotions pass through me like a cloud moving across a sky. It felt nice being able to observe the transience of difficult emotions. Today, I found myself feeling exhausted at work from the beginning to the end of the day. I didn't have much going on in terms of my work load but I just felt like I was dragging my feet all day. I also had to deal with some annoying ass complaints from the leasing office and the discussion didn't exactly do in the way that I wanted it to. But that's alright, I'm moving out in less than 2 months. I'm a little salty but it's whatever. After work, I just layed in bed for two hours. I just felt really exhausted and couldn't get myself to do much. I got myself up just now to journal about all this and later I'm going to go work out and take a nice hot shower. I think that will make me feel better and get my brain to a healthier place.

Sometimes people end up developing feelings and they don't have the best boundaries with themselves due to a lack of self control or any other psychological factors. Yeah... don't be that person. Have some boundaries with yourself at the very least and let her know that this isn't a good idea and that you will need to pull back from hanging out and give each other space until both of y'all get over this. I don't recommend getting involved because not only is this person married with kids, but she's also your coworker and that can end pretty badly personally and professionally. I recommend exercising self control and making moral decisions even if it doesn't feel great in the moment.

Desirability It's been about 8 months since the surgery. I can say for the past month or two that the way that my body felt distorted before has significantly subsided. I'm much more used to my proportions now. I have also been losing weight and have been able to do so in a consistent and reasonable pace now that I don't have this bottomless pit of urgency in terms of the insecurities I have with my body. But now that my insecurities around my weight are mostly gone, I feel like I have unlocked a layer of insecurities around my perceptions of my own desirability. I feel like my insecurites around desirability was always there but it wasn't in the forefront on my mind as it is right now because in the past, I had this thought that was along the lines of *hey, I'm not ugly, I just need to lose weight and get rid of my stomach.* But now, it's like.. *well maybe I am just ugly.* And I have just been trying to sit with it and process where this might be coming from and how to address it. I feel like for a large portion of my life (and hell, even now to a certain extent), I was always labeled as the weird kid to some degree due to my environment. And while I have always been able to make and maintain friendships, I do think that socializing always felt like an upward climb of sorts because I never found "my people" so to say. That said, I do think that I have built up some pretty good social muscles from the upward climb because now I'm in a place where I can still connect with most people on some level and not be awkward even if I don't have much in common with them. So, I'm not like lamenting not being able to fit in during my formative years. I did have a time I mourned this a little but I think I have tried to frame it as *even though you don't have the skill of being effortlessly confident and make friends easily, you do have skills around dealing with diversity, conflict resolution, clear communication etc. that you have built instead.* As for physical appearance, I don't think I'm ugly UGLY but I do think like pretty mid (like a solid 4-5). I think on most days I can come to terms with it since I have other aspects of my life and personality going for me. But sometimes, I do find myself crashing tf out over it. I find that social media is particularly bad for me right now as I'm working through this because the algorithm pushes the most societally beautiful and fit people to your feed all the time regardless of what content you consume. I've had moments where I had to put the phone down, go outside, and socialize / touch grass, or hell, just go to the Walmart near by so I can get out of that head space. Like during Halloween when I went to the rave and the parties, I found my brain feeling healthier because it's like *oh look, there are normal people with a variety of average builds putting themselves out there and embracing their bodies and sexualities. I'm not judging them so I shouldn't judge myself and be too in my head about things.* I also find this video to be pretty helpful: Basically, the video talks about how you're not ugly, you're just not being introspective. Everyone feels ugly some time or another, even the most beautiful people. Most of us are average looking and it's pretty rare that people are turning heads because they look disgusting or because they are show stoppingly gorgeous. Being "average" is perfectly fine because you're still beautiful in your own consciousness. And that beauty comes out when we are having a good relationship with our sense of self. And often, ugly doesn't even come into consideration unless we are comparing ourselves to someone else or some arbirtrary, societally constructed standard of beauty. I also remind myself of the people that I have found very beautiful and attractive over the years. None of them look perfect. And I don't mean that in a negative way where I'm criticizing someone (while I don't think they look perfect, I don't think they look "flawed" either) but I mean it in a *I like people who have character to their face and bodies and don't look like little mannequins.* Like if anything, people who look too perfect often give me a little bit of an uncanny valley effect. That's kind of how I feel whenever I look at the cast of Love Island lol. I also think about one of the most beautiful man I have seen in person. This was the head of one of the departments in my college. He had a physique and bone structure that I can only describe as statue-eqe. I took one look at this guy and thought *god took his extra time craving that one out of marble while he made the rest of us using Play doh.* He also had a bit of a George Clooney thing going on but then when I searched up what George Clooney looked like... George Clooney looked like a troll next to this guy. If this man was on the cover of GQ, I wouldn't question it because he would look like he belonged and that nothing is out of the ordinary. And whenever anyone would talk about our department and this guy, even if people didn't know his name, once they said *the guy that looks like a gigachad* EVERYONE KNEW WHO YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT. It doesn't matter what your sexuality or culture is, we all knew this guy was beautiful. All that said, I can't say that I was attracted to this guy in the same way that I'm not attracted to a Greek statue. Also... he's like 20 years older than me and I'm not attracted to older men like that. The point that I'm trying to make is that perfection and beauty doesn't always translate into being attractive and vice versa. I think one of the big reasons people don't like being considered average or ugly is that there is an implication that they don't deserve love, attention, attraction etc. I also think there is something to be said on how there are some people who treat people badly according to the way that they look, whether it's because they think the other person is ugly and doesn't deserve basic respect or if they think the other person is beautiful and they're lashing out in jealousy/ insecurity. Thankfully, as your local mid, I do not encounter either of those things. But while I'm happy I don't get pretty girl problems, it is a little sad that I don't get any pretty girl perks especially when you're conditioned to believe your beauty is a large chunk of your self esteem as a woman. It also doesn't help when you were kind of labeled as the ugly kid growing up and got asked out as a joke. I can laugh about it now and I can recognize logically that this not the case anymore as we have all grown up, but I guess deep down emotionally it still affects me even though I don't like to admit it. I think part of me is kind of repressed sexually and romantically. It's not a purity culture thing where I think I'm immoral, dirty, or like I'm violating the other person by having feelings or getting sexual thoughts. Like I'm not violating them so long as I'm not overstepping consent or being disrespectful. I just had a lot of unrequited crushes growing up, not because I'm into emotionally unavailable men, but because of luck and the context of my surroundings. I guess I'm also scared of people rejecting me, thinking I’m weird or creepy for desiring them, especially if I communicate it in the wrong way. The last thing I want to do is make someone feel uncomfortable and violated with my unwanted presence or attention. My default is also assuming that people aren't into me because that's been my main experience thus far (with the exception of my current relationship) and my default reaction to when I realize I have caught feelings for someone is to run away and hide so I don't embarrass myself or make things weird for the other person. And because I was asked out as a joke growing up a number of time, when people do show genuine interest in me, often times my brain either doesn't pick up on it or I think someone is being deceptive. And while my current relationship does help a lot in terms of me not falling into the depths of inceldom, I still think I need more corrective experiences. Honestly, after this past weekend, I think I just needed to touch grass. I think seeing people on the internet skews with my perception of what I consider attractive or chopped and what desirability looks like. I saw plenty of people who didn't have perfect bodies pull lol. I saw plenty of normal looking people still be able to have romantic and sexual attention. I think also the topic of desirabilty has a lot to do with power, politics, and culture and it's important to deconstruct that to have a healtheir view of ourselves. And I think for me personally, I need some corrective experiences in my life because for so long I was labeled as the weird kid and I was put in weird environments that got me viewing myself in a certain way.

Just created yet another journal since my other journal was getting too long. I've also been wanting a new start and a new space since my last journal was started way back in 2021 when my life was very different from where I'm at right now. Here are my two previous journals for a quick reference/ recap: Psychoanalyzing Myself: 9/1/2021- 12/25/2024 The Joy Journal: 7/19/2020 - 9/7/2021

An Inventory of My Social Skills: I have wrote about in the past how I have been itching to put myself out there more. This Halloween weekend, I was able to do that and I found myself thinking how I socially thrive in some things and situations but not others. And I was comparing that to the way that my friends have similar or completely different skill sets as well to see what I can learn from them as well as what I can teach them. The items in green are things I want to get proficient in because I think it's more a priority given my current values. The items in blue are things I just want to be moderately competent in where I'm not in a place were I think it's the most important thing to be good at but, nevertheless, I do think it is helpful life skill. The things in black are just things I'm content with. Moderate on conflict resolution skills: This is something I have been working on a lot over the past year. I think I'm pretty good at it considering my current romantic relationship as well as the sometimes difficult/awkward conversations I had with friends. I think I have a good foundation of coming at things in good faith and being mindful of how I may come off to others and vice versa which I am going to elaborate on the Proficient section. But I do feel like I have room for improvement here as I watch a number of creators who I feel like have a good handle on this skill. Moderate on public speaking: I can do presentations and talk in a group setting without losing my shit. I may need a heads up and some time to prepare but for the most part, I'm all good. I'm pretty competent in this area of life as far as it is needed in my professional and social life. But I cannot say that I'm proficient to where I can easily give impromtu speaches or rizz up a crowd lol. And that's perfectly fine. Moderate on dealing with kids: I think I have the basic skills to make sure that kids don't hurt themselves and do something stupid and I have the skills to relate to teenagers without talking down on them or coming off as someone who isn't safe for them to go to. I think I also know a decent amount of healthy parenting strategies to prevent kids from internalizing common toxic societal things (i.e. teaching kids how to identify and regulate emotions instead of yelling at them and saying they're bad or worse, weak for crying). But at the same time, I do feel like I can be a little awkward around kids and that I lack certain life experiences to be truly proficient in this area of life. Moderate on confidence: I would say that I'm pretty good about self respect but I'm not good with confidence. Don't get me wrong, I'm not hiding in a corner on my phone at a party, but I cannot say that I don't have any social anxiety and that I'm boldly introducing myself and making friends. While I'm not super self deprecating and oozing shame when dealing with work issues and putting myself out there romantically, I'm also not moving with the confidence of a delusional white man or instagram model lol. I just feel like I'm average in this department. Moderate on finding like minded people: I feel like a lot of this stems from me being in environments where I've had to adapt and assimilate in some way. As a result, I think I'm better at creating bridges with people and prioritizing diversity over relatability.I'm not so lost to where I'm bending over backwards to fit in with people, but sometimes my social life feels like an upward climb because of a lack of relatability. I do think this is a skill I want to strengthen because I'm noticing some things being in common that are foundational for me to have good friendships with people. At the same time, while I want to improve on finding like minded people, I do think that that I still to value diversity of thought and life styles to where I would never want to be surrounded by carbon copies of myself in different fonts. That's why this is blue instead of green. Moderate on small talk: I think I'm good enough at this to build rapport with people and not come off as a weirdo but I cannot say I'm good at this to where I'm just rizzing people up left and right lol. Moderate on hosting: I feel like I'm decent at this but I can't say I'm like Martha Stewart level put together. Proficient in balancing my life and being reliable with commitments: I'm pretty good at making plans, following up with people, being flexible if something comes up, not cancelling anything last minute, and checking on people even when my life gets busy. And I do think that a big part of this is that I have a decent work life balance that enables me to have the time and energy to pour into myself and the people around me. Proficient in dealing with diverse backgrounds: I think a large chunk of this is my education on different cultures/ social issues as well as me always being in settings with people different from myself. I do pride myself in knowing that I'm invited to the cookout, I'm invited to the brown wedding, I'm invited to iftar, I'm invited to a random Hispanic 2-year old's party, and that I'm invited to lunar new years. In addition to that, I'm pretty good at managing differences in socio-economic status as well as people who are in different industries, stages of life, or life styles. Proficient in attracting good people in my life: I've had very little drama and negative falling outs with people. I think generally speaking, I attract pretty ethical people where I'm not even put into the possition of messiness. Proficient in self respect / boundaries: While I'm not the most confident person, I'm pretty good about not staying in unhealthy situations where people are treating me badly, I'm pretty good about knowing my values and staying true to that, and I'm good at knowing when to prioritize myself and my sanity. I'm also good at recognizing red flags and discerning between disappointment and disrespect. I guess the difference between the outward confidence and being able to utilize these skills is playing defense vs offense. My offense is moderate but I do have rock solid defense in terms of my confidence. Proficient in small / 1-1 settings: I would say that hanging out with people 1-1 or in small groups where we can just talk to each other is my comfort zone as far as socializing goes and it's where I have had the most luck in developing longer term, deeper relationships. Proficient in keeping friends and keeping a partner: I'm pretty good at maintaining my relationships and keeping in touch with people. I think it also goes back to the point of having very few negative falling outs with people. Proficient in managing my neurotic tendencies: I have put in a good amount of work in therapy to deal with my issues, behave in an ethical well thoughout way, have decent character, and not have my traumas negatively impact my relationships. I'm also decent at regulating my own emotions if something has come up and deal with social situations with a decent amount of tact even if emotionally I feel like I'm all over the place. Proficient in self awareness: I think I'm a pretty self aware person who is capable of having constructive conversations and taking in feedback from others. Proficient in listening and empathizing: I have been told this my friends that I'm a pretty good person to go to if they need to talk or share about things and I think it has made it possible to make deeper connections more easy. Low on making friends and finding new partners: I think while I'm good at hanging on to current connections, I'm not the best at making friends wherever I go. I think part of it is that I can be a bit of an acquired taste socially where it takes me a moment to warm up to people and it takes a minute for people to warm up to me. But another thing is that I think I can be kind of to myself, isolated, and guarded at times. And of course, I think the lack of social abundance you face after school/ college plays a role in exasserbating that. And sometimes I wonder how much of it is me versus the environments I find myself in. Low on managing group settings and parties: I can get overstimulated in parties and group settings with a lot of people to where I get so focused on observing others to where I don't really contribute. I also think in general I'm not used to settings like this and this is just a muscle I don't work on very often. I think it's a simple fix of needing to get out more lol. Low on sexual experience: Yeah... I'm not even going to pretend. I'm not the greatest sexually and I think a lot of it has to do with a lack of experience since I have only been with one person. But I will say, I'm pretty good about being open minded and communicating (in general but also in this area of my life). And I feel like as a result, even though I kind of suck, I'm not like sexually unsatified. Low on socializing in corporate: I just feel like I'm still figuring my shit out in this area of life and it's just taking longer since I only go into the office once a week at most for the past year and a half. Before, that, I would go in very sporadically. I'm capable of working together in a team and just being friendly with coworkers so they don't think I'm a weirdo. I'm not also behaving in a way that would jeopardize my professional relationships. But at the same time, I'm not good at navigating office politics or the event when people are coming at me crazy. Low on healthy anger, debate, and healthy defensiveness: I tend to freeze up when people come at me crazy and I think that comes at the expense of me standing up for myself at times. Like, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to stick around in a bad situation, I'm going to ignore the crazies or remove myself from a situation. But sometimes, you do need to put up a fight and clap back and I'm just not good at that. Debates also freak me out because I feel like my default way of operating is to find common ground and engage in good faith discussion rather than focussing on the optics of my arguments or the best way to convince others. And while it's good that I can engage in good faith without lashing out and getting defensive, I do think that people can take advantage of this and hurt me in certain situations because I'm not defensive in a healthy way. Low on flirting: Yeah.. I can be kind of awkward in romantic situations. I don't have the rizz lol. But that said, I think that while I'm not creative and artful in the way that I flirt, I can be pretty direct which has it's own pros. I also think this is something COVID fucked up for me lol.

I feel like just posting and acknowledging my mental load in the previous post at like 6 am in the morning helped a lot in terms of me being able to do what I need to do to get through the day. I almost instantly felt better after writing things out and I feel pretty decent now that I finished work and I got some important things that were weighing on me done. I still don't feel like I'm 100% myself but I do feel like I'm like 70% there. Which is a huge improvement since at the time of writing my previous post I felt like I was at 25%. I think this journal is doing its job.

Emotional Exhaustion Rant: It's nearing the end of October and I feel emotionally done. Over the weekend, in both Saturday and Sunday, I had a 2-3 hour of pure bed rotting where I wasn't doing anything other than just laying there (no scrolling etc.). I also slept in both of those days until 10:30 which is not typical for me on a weekend even though it isn't unsual for me to sleep in. I usually only sleep in until 8-9. I was feeling overstimulated and the sleeping in and the bed rot session felt much needed. But also, the fact that I need this much rest is out of the ordinary and I need to process that. I'm writing out this piece before work because I just need to let this out in order to be a functioning person. 1. October is always a busy month for me because of the number of relgious and social events going on. I was booked back to back. It was fun but I still need time to recharge and I feel like I didn't get room to breathe. 2. Everything that came with the wisdom teeth removal: Like I'm good now but this plus everything else on this list I feel like has a residual effect where it's not manifesting as distress but a compounding sense of exhaustion. 3. The emotional exhaustion my birthday can bring: Thankfully my actual birthday went well (and I wasn't on phone duty) but I did have to deal with the 12 days of crashing out before then. 4. My friend is going through a lot at work and I was on the phone with her for 3.5 hours on Monday night. I don't mind doing the work but it still took something out of me. 5. Work has been particularly annoying with some of the cases I was put on. Both Monday and Tuesday had the "monday" feeling and it feels like pulling teeth when it comes to getting through this week. I also had a couple of busy weeks back to back prior to this week and even September was kind of rough. I feel like I need to use a PTO day but I already took some time off for being sick and for the wisdom teeth removal. I don't want to seem like I'm creating a recurring pattern and unfortunatley, I think I'm going to have to hold off until Thanksgiving for a break. 6. I came back home and I told my parents that I'm moving in with my boyfriend in this upcoming year. Yeah.... they're still in the adjustment process for that and that took something out of me emotionally as well. This was last night. 7. I'm also on a calorie deficit of sorts and I think that's impacting the amount of energy I have in general and my overall mood. 8. I feel like I'm processing some things regarding my body image and desireability. But that's something I'm journalling about privately. 9. I'm also a little stressed at the thought of hosting Thanksgiving with my friends this year. I have no fucking clue on how to make a turkey and I have never done it before. I just want this week to be over so I can rot during the weekend. It's only Wednesday, and the day has barely begun.

The other side of a friend break up I had this messy friend breakup that lasted from early August 2024 and lingered into the end of February 2025. That has been fucking with my brain. I will say that by the end of March I was like 80% over it but that last 20% has been lingering. Then by September, I started to feel like I was on the other side where most of the pain subsided to where I felt like I see the life lessons in this situation. And I've had like a month or two to let those lessons simmer and I want to journal about it. I would say that the biggest thing is that this situation taught me about the type of friend I do NOT want to be. I don't want to be the friend with no conflict resolution skills: Conflict is inevitable and it comes up when you're in a long term relationship with anyone. Misunderstandings happen, people aren't perfect, but so long as you can communicate your needs and take accountability, I think that helps you preserve your relationships as well as help each other grow. Sometimes we need the friction of other people to smooth out our rough edges and I think we're living in a world that values emotional convenience over connection which can cause us to deem any form of friction as erosion. I don't want to be the friend who ghosts (or tries to ghost others): I think that ghosting people who you have considered close is pretty confusing and existentially bad to the person who you're ghosting who was probably under the impression that things were fine this entire time. I don't want to be the friend who people pleases and doesn't voice her needs or when someone did something that bothers her: I think a lot of the stuff that the other person was going through can be wrapped up in not being proactive with something that bothers her to the point where it bubbled up and exploded. I also think the person I was dealing with was probably around a lot of toxic form of conflict in her workplace and maybe even in her romantic relationship. And in my experience, when you're around so much toxic conflict, you also tend to paint healthy and natural forms of conflict as toxic as well which then causes you to be conflict avoidant / a people pleaser. I wouldn't be surprised if because she was surrounded by volatile people she would get into screaming matches with if she brought something up that she would think that I would react the same way if we were to have a conversation. I can see how trauma can cause this kind of bias but it's also like, anyone who has had conversations with me knows that I'm not a volatile person and that I am capable of working through things constructively and in good faith. Basically, I think this person has a lot going on which has affected her ability to handle conflict and she probably doesn't know me like that. I don't want to be the friend who doesn't give people the space to grow and take accountability: I understand that growth isn't perfect and that people can still make mistakes in that path but I don't want to write someone off who is genuinely trying. So long as we had a conversation and I can see that you're making moves in the right direction, I think that's good enough. I think it can be dehumanizing and harsh to expect perfection in ourselves and the people around us. Again, it reminds me of this quote: I also believe that being a friend also means holding each other accountable. Like I don't want a group yes men who will validate everything I'm going through and be unconditionally supportive. I want people to call me out or reassure me when I'm not thinking straight. I don't see people disagreeing with me or people not being unconditionally supportive as them being negative. I'm not the type of friend who won't say anything and will sit and watch the circus go down as their friend is running around like a clown and ruining their life. I'm also not going to be the type of person that lectures, nags, or keeps bringing the same thing up (I'm not their mom or their therapist) and I'm not going to be the type of person to say I told you so either because I want you to feel safe even if you made the wrong decision. I will mention something once or twice and then let you make your decision because you have agency and some people need to learn from their life experiences and fuck around and find out to have certain things stick. I'm going to start judging people by their significant other/ long term partners: Of course there are caveats and nuances here. I'm not going to judge people and victim blame those in abusive situations. I'm not going look down on people who made a few bad decisions here and there as they are learning through life experiences. But what I am going to consider is that birds of a feather flock together and the type of partner you choose does say something about you. And if you're dating a weirdo, either you yourself are weirdo on some level or you tolerate that type of behavior. Either way, I'm proceeding with caution. I'm more mindful about things like weaponized therapy speak and hyper individualized self care: I did a few posts talking about this so I will not be elaborating. I'm also at a place where even though I can see where I might have fucked up, I can also see ways that her breaking up with me in this way might also be more of a reflection of what's going on on her end rather than mine. She was working in a very volatile work environment and had a lot of chaos in her life: I'm sure that what I did was the straw that broke the camels back but also, the camel was holding on to a lot of other things that was contributing significantly more to that weight than my straw. And kind of what I was saying earlier, I think the toxic confict she was facing in this environment also caused her to react disproportionately to healthy conflict and me trying to figure out what was going on her end in good faith. And I think as she was going into a more peaceful time, she's kind of over correcting and going into the toxic positivity route. I had that era too and I can recognize that this is part of the process sometimes but it sucks that I was collerateral damage in her journey of personal growth. She may or may not be in a toxic relationship: I don't want to say that she is for sure because I have limitted evidence of it and I don't want to make bold claims of people I don't know like that. But she has said things about this man that has cause me to be like *girl... that's not normal..* And I wonder if this relationship was worse than I thought and I was unknowingly navigating a minefield where I said the wrong thing that caused this person to want to distance herself from me and further isolate. I also remember a time in my healing from all of this where I was pissed because she can go to couples therapy and work shit out with this man that did fucked up things to her. But when it comes to me doing something minor, she's going to cut things off and never have a proper conversation about this. And now, my perspective has shifted a bit about this as I have been learning about toxic relationships. People who are trauma bonded to each other with the low lows and the high highs can sometimes justify and fight for things that don't make sense because they are attached to the abuser in a way that mirrors addiction. Maybe the reason she felt like she could leave without fighting for the connection when it came to me is not because she's male centered but because I'm not manipulating/ trauma bonding her to me. There might be other stressors going on that I have no clue about: Given that this looks like an avoidant person, I wouldn't be surprised if there were other things going on that I had no clue about that was also causing stress to cause her to react the way that she did. I think this person also might have the Bumble BFF brainrot: I will not elaborate since I already did posts about convenience culture and how that is translating to people on apps as their main form of socialization. At this point, I think I'm like 95% over it. I still have a few thought loops that go along the lines of: I think I'm a trauma dumping crazy person who is miserable to be around and that makes me scared to open up to people at times. Sometimes I think people secretly hate me and I have no friends. I'm scared I might be overestimating my place in people's lives But on the bright side I have been making a couple of new friends and been opening up more at work. I think that has been helping me combat the thought loops above and it's making me think *hey, you don't suck socially, you just dont have as many opportunities as you did growing up so finding and making friends takes longer than it used to.*

Disclaimer: I don't want to hear from the pick up artist, podcast bro crowd and if things get even a little out of hand to where this coversation starts devolving, I will ask the mods to close this up or I will delete this thread all together. I'm looking for the opinion of people who are on the older than myself (30+) who feel like they have successfully settled down in their life to where they feel fulfilled. I have been with my current boyfriend for 3.5 years. We met when we were 22 and now we're 25/26. We have a healthy and supportive relationship, there is no question about it. We have been regularly talking about our future together and what that can look like. I don't have a ring on my finger yet and I'm not making announcements to friends and family but my boyfriend and I like to joke that we are "down low engaged" since we are actively working to build a life together and see if we are compatible in that way but we just haven't made it official. We both still have things to figure out in our lives from sorting somethings out careerwise, where we want to live and settle down, and if I want to have a kid one day (he's pretty certain that it's a no). There is no question that he is a good boyfriend and this is a good relationship. The question is whether or not we are compatible life partners and if we want compatible life goals. I'm feeling really stagnant with my life because I haven't been able to make the move cross country and transition out of my current job. The main reason why is due to politics. I want to work in foreign service and utilize my international relations degree however the job market is really bad right now to where the people I know in my field who have worked in this field either got laid off months ago and are still struggling to find work or they have a job that used to be relatively stable but now they are on constant edge due to the shenanigans in the Trump administration and they are being severely underpaid. I on the other hand have a stable corporate job that I'm excelling in when it comes to promotions as well as monetarily. I also have family members (and I myself) am keeping a watchful eye on how this is going to play out. If shit hits the fan and I need to gtfo of the U.S., this job is my ticket to do so. It's as simple as signing a few papers and getting a transfer. While I may not like having to be in this job longer than I expected, it doesn't make sense for me to make a move careerwise and I would be foolish to throw away a job that pays well, has good work life balance, has opportunities, and could be a ticket out if shit hits the fan. Nevertheless, I have made a plan to make the most of this job and the oppotunities that come with it so that I can actualize my goals. In addition to not being in my desired career, I'm also not sure where I want to settle down at. I have lived in the Dallas metroplex all my life and I have always wanted to know if I'm cut out to live in a walkable city as opposed to the concrete suburbia I have known my whole life. Something like that can impact my whole lifestyle and as a result, it can impact whether my partner and I are compatible. He is unsure about where he wants to settle down but he is open to trying new things even if they make him nervous. And it's like, because I wasn't able to switch careers, I haven't been able to move out of the Dallas area to explore what that life style would be like. And because I don't know what settling down looks like in terms of broader desired lifestyles, I don't know if my current boyfriend is someone who would be wise to marry. Then there is the question about having a kid. I'm like 70% sure that it's a no for me. But my issue is, I don't know if this is a *no, not now* versus a *no, not ever.* I definitely know that I don't want kids in my 20s but I'm not sure about my 30s and beyond. My boyfriend being fairly certain that he doesn't want to have kids isn't something that turns me off from him. If anything, it's nice knowing that at least one of us has a solid position on this. This is still something I'm trying to figure out within myself and I don't want to marry someone while I'm so unsure about such a big decision in my life. I don't want to marry this guy now when we're 26 and then have to divorce him at 30 because I realized that I wanted to have a child after all. How is he reacting to all of this? He and I are having very constructive and honest conversations about how we feel about a number of different life scenarios. We're pretty good at problem solving and we always say that one of our strengths in the relationship is that it's never been us against each other rather it's been us against the problem. He is also incredibly supportive and understanding in all of this where he doesn't want to rush me in figuring my life out and he feels like he is supported and loved to where he knows that I'm not trying to stall or do anything to avoid commitment. He has been very gentle with my throughout all of this, much more gentle than I have been to myself. But my thing is that I'm scared that I might be wasting this guy's time. I'm scared of the possibility of us getting to year 6 and realizing this relationship is not working and we have to go our separate ways to where I've scarred someone for life. I'm also scared of potentially rushing into a situation that is not right for me and that erupting in flames. I'm afraid I am this chaotic person that doesn't know what she wants out of her life and that I'm wrapping someone I love into my chaos and that they might be collateral damage in me figuring myself out. I'm afraid of the possibility that maybe one or both of us might be compromising major life goals for the sake of being together subconsciously. I don't want this man to sacrifice core parts of him to make a life work with me and I don't want to do that for him either. And now that I'm about to turn 26, I'm also sensing the social pressure around me. Maybe it's beause I live in the south but I feel like a lot of people my age are married and have a kid (or 3) or they are sure about what they want out of life and are pursuing that. And while I'm not in a rush to reach these milestones, I am concerned for myself in that I don't even know what I want yet and here people are full on making permanent life decisions. And sure, I don't know what's going on in other people's lives, how they have come to the conclusions they have come to, and if they are acting from a healthy and authentic place. But I am sensing an air of judgement when I tell people that I have been with my boyfriend for 3+ years. When I would tell people I've been with him for about 2 years, everyone thought it was cute and sweet. Now it's like *oh...... that's nice* and they seem concerned about why we have been together so long and there is no ring. I know there are people out there that believe that if you are dating someone for more than 2 years and you don't know if you want to marry them or they haven't proposed, then you need to break up. I'm definitely not about to rush into marriage because I'm not about to make a major life decision out of peer pressure. Even if my timeline doesn't make sense for other people, that doesn't mean that it doesn't make sense for us. Nevertheless, I would be lying if I said that the peer pressure doesn't get to me sometimes.

I had a professor give me some advice I found helpful when I was around that age. You don't have to have your entire life and your career mapped out, you just need to know your general sense of direction and your next step. That way you can have some structure and plan but at the same time you can have some flexibility in case new opportunites you didn't consider come up or if life situations change and you need to pivot for whatever reason. As a college student, I would say focus on picking a major that you find interested in and that can give you flexibility regarding the job market. The job that you get out of college doesn't have to exactly match up with it but rather it can serve as transferable skills for whatever you go into in the future. I double majored in management and international relations and currently I'm working in a tech company surrounded by former CS majors. My general sense of direction at the time was that I wanted something that gave me decent work life balance, that would pay me a decent amount, and that will help me figure out what to do long term careerwise. My current job has been helpful in all of that. I have an idea of where I want to go after this but I don't know EXACTLY what that would look like and that's totally fine.

That makes sense. I think trying to figure out major life decisions is hard enough and it can be harder when you're trying to take other people into consideration. That goes for even it's from a healthy place of wanting to harm reduce as you're figuring out your life so you don't inflict unnecessary suffering for another person as opposed to a codependent place where you're trying to conform to each other as an effort to coddle each other and make the relationship work at the cost of each other. I am thankful that my boyfriend is pretty understanding about all of this. But I would have also understood if he wasn't. And while he isn't a pushover, sometimes I wonder if him being understanding is him conforming because he seems very chill in the face of conversations that would make other guys freak out. I guess I need to have more faith in him as he is trying to figure things out as well and have the faith that he is acting from an authentic place where he wants to be in this relationship and it isn't a sacrifice for him as opposed to him wanting to be in this relationship and silently suffering. I do give him plenty of opportunities to express if something feels off or if he needs some space and I have been told that I'm a safe and reassuring space for him emotionally. And while it's great that I have a sense of self skepticism where I want to make sure I'm not taking advantage of someone (even unintentionally), I think I also need to have more faith in myself because I am doing my due diligence in terms of checking in with my partner, having honest and constructive conversations, and I'm creating a safe place to do all that. As for the topic of "wasting someone's time" or "wasting your time," I think relationships can only be a waste if its coming from an inauthentic and unhealthy place or if you're working off the paradigm of *I have to be settled down by X age.* I sometimes think about what it would be like if I were to have broken up with this person and I think that even if we go our separate ways, I'm still grateful for the relationship that I had with this person, everything I have learned, as well as the ways that this relationship helped me grow. But so much of it is because this relationship has been healthy. Even on year 1/2, I was talking to him and we were like *hey, we make a good team and we have a very solid relationship so the only reason why we would ever break up is due to incompatibilities around long term life plans.* If that does happen, I would honestly partially credit him in finding my future spouse because our relationship was the blueprint on what a good relationship looks like. As for the paradigm of *I have to be settled down by X age,* I feel like part of the way these timelines are contructed is through heteronormativity where the ultimate goal is to get married and have kids soon (preferably before 30) and that should be your main goal romantically. Not exploration, not any thing casual, not experiencing a healthy relationship for the sake of it, but for the sake of finding *the one* and popping out kids so you can check that off your box. Like I find a lot of gay people or people who are for sure they don't want kids don't subject themselves to the same time pressures and that is something that I feel like you can integrate even if you are straight and you ultimately want to have a kid. As far as the biological clock, I feel like the risk is often exaggerated for women tbh. Like for example, if you had a risk of birth defects as 1% and your risk increases by 50% if you decide to have a kid after 35, your new risk for defects is not 1.5%, not 51%. And as long as you're taking care of your health in a basic way and not living a sedentary lifestyle, I think you're good. For men, I think that their risk is often underestimated because even if you can have kids when you're older, your sperm quality can suffer and also, the man's overall health plays a role in terms of how smooth the pregnancy goes as well. I think that makes sense in terms of location. I think in the south, there is a mentality of *oh you're in a healthy relationship for 2+ years, you should go ahead and get married, why waste your time?* And that removes a lot of the nuance ranging from *just because someone is in a relationship for a long period of time, that doesn't mean it's good* or *not every relationship is meant to end in marriage even if they are healthy nor is that the goal for everyone* or *there are some very important things to consider when choosing a lifelong partner and sometimes it takes longer than 2 or 3 years to figure out if you're a good fit for each other.*

I can see on how it's not something to envy when it comes to making major permanant decisions when you're young. You never know what going on and if people are going through it in a healthy well thought out way or not. You never really know why someone is doing something (and hell, sometimes they themselves don't know). I will say that figuring our major life decisions in your 20s feels like you're taking a math test with 1 hour on the clock. I have a handful of calculus questions that takes 20 steps to do and I'm writing out a page for just one problem. Then, 30 minutes into the test I look up and I see that half the class is already turning in their paper. And it's like, do they do all the work? Did they copy off each other? Did they study and complete the test early or did they not study and just half assed it and turned something in because they gave up? Did they have a different test and questions all together? Did they guess through all the questions without taking the time to do the work? Or are they just smart like that and I'm just a slow test taker? Am I overthinking things and doing the wrong process in solving these questions and that's why it's taking so long? Then there is also the question of am I slow in figuring out my life or do I just live in Texas lol

In short, is it wrong that I don't know what settling down looks like for me and I don't know whether I want to have a kid at 26? Am I too old to not know these answers and is it bad that I'm not ready to get married or make permanent life decisions? Am I the asshole for staying in a relationship for 4+ years as I figure this out instead of marrying my current partner?

My Birthday I have a lot of reasons why I hate my birthday and I want to vent about it. My birthday is the Hindu equivalent of having your birthday on Christmas. I was ever able to celebrate my birthday on the day of even when my birthday fell on a weekend because no could come because there is a handful of holidays always around my birthday. A few years it was so bad that my birthday got delayed to December. My birthday is in October. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to pop out a month early. All it got me was a visit to the NICU and a lifetime of sharing my birthday with my biggest opp, my mother. I have the same birthday as my mom and let's just say that I don't have a good relationship with her. Because I have the same birthday as a family member, I have to spend my birthday with my family whether I like it or not. And that means being forced to hang out with people that I hate. Birthdays always felt really performative. I was depressed for a good chunk of my childhood and birthdays meant forcing a smile around the very people that made me miserable and forcing myself to celebrate. As a result, my depression would be at it's worst at around September and October. Growing up it was also a reminder of how many years I was also depressed. I also don't like presents or cake. Cake is alright, but I pretty much like every kind of dessert more than it. Growing up I would always say that I wanted a pie for my birthday instead of a cake. It was my one request. And my family said I was stupid and weird for wanting that. My boyfriend makes me a pie every year for my birthday and it always makes me cry because he's the only one who ever listened to me or gave a fuck about what I wanted rather than focusing on what would make him feel or look good. I don't like presents because 90% of the time it's something dumb and it shows how much people barely know me. I've also had a lot of family members try to buy my love through gifts so now I have a negative association with it. It feels weird having so much attention on me. I guess part of it may be the fact that I share a birthday. But I just feel awkward and egotistical. I don't like announcing my birthday as it is coming up. Again, I feel awkward and attention hungry for that. Kind of related to point 6&7, but I feel weird about celebrating myself in general even if I did something big. So I feel even weirder for celebrating myself when I didn't do anything at all. As a result, birthdays kind of just feel like a participation trophy for life to me. I don't feel this way about other people's birthdays. I think it's beautiful to celebrating and appreciating someone just existing without having them had done something. I just feel weird when it comes to me. I'm also usually having an existential crisis around my birthday because I'm reflecting on my life as a whole. For a large chunk of my life, that came with depression (see point 4) but nowadays, it comes with just me journalling and thinking a lot. Not necessarily in a negative and ruminating way but it a very neutral way. As a result, I always want a more chill birthday to just be with my thoughts. But then I have people who make me feel bad about it because I don't want to go out and celebrate. I also don't like telling people about my birthday because I don't want to deal with the possibility of them forgetting. I also don't want to plan things out in the fear that everything falls through. I also have a list of negative memories that have been popping up associated with my birthday. This is in no particular order. I had two suicide attempts. The first was the night before my 16th birthday. I was horribly depressed because this birthday marked me being depressed for over half my life and I didn't see the point in living. I put the gun away and the next day I went to school and found out that people made a surprise party for me. I was crying while people singing me a happy birthday and people thought it was tears of happiness but really I was thinking about the night before and how my actions would have affected other people given what they were planning. I had my friends forget about me on my 17th birthday. I was drifting from my friends due to a couple of deaths I had in my family and I was not coping with that grief well. That was not a fun realization to come to on my birthday. Then on my 18th, I straight up didn't have anyone to celebrate with. The second was around my 21st. I finally got out of my bad household and had the room to heal when I was in college but then I got dragged back into that environment because of COVID. It felt like there was no end in sight, both in terms of what was going on with my family but also when it came to the pandemic and how it was affecting the world around me and my prospects. This time I ended up in the hospital. My 22nd was rough too because I felt like I missed a chunk of my 20s to the pandemic and that I'm like this emotional wreck who feels stunted and like she doesn't have her life together. I had a really bad existential crisis. And that was golden birthday. For a while, my birthday was also a reminder of those attempts and that in it of itself was triggering and yet another reason why my depression would flare up around that time. But that has since faded for the most part. Sometimes I still feel like it's partially my fault for having these attempts around my birthday because I essentially tainted my birthday myself. Being forced to be around my aunt and uncle is already upsetting for me. But almost every year, my aunt goes into some kind of disgusting Fox News esq rant during our meal. One time, I took my family out for brunch and she went on this rant on how teachers don't deserve to be paid, that public education is a waste of money because the kids are unruly and demonic, and how they all deserve to be beat.... Yeah.... we had a few tables stare at us with that one. This was my 23rd. My parents got me a chocolate cake for my birthday. A few days later I was craving cake so I went to the fridge to get a slice only to not find it. I asked my mom what happened to it and she told me that she gave the cake away to her students at her school. When I told her that made me upset because she did this without my permission, she said that I'm being too sensitive and selfish and that I need to lose weight anyways. Bruh.. this situation still makes me mad. I had a phase where I really got into cake decorating shows. Even though I don't like cake like that, I wanted to embrace it and make something nice. I had a guy make fun of me and say that I was pathetic, lonely, and embarrassing because I made a cake for myself because if people cared about me, they would get a cake for me. Despite being depressed, my family would force me to do a birthday party because they thought that if they didn't that they would look bad in front of their community and that was more important than how I felt. I also remember getting yelled at on my 10th birthday. It lasted like a couple hours. I have undiagnosed ADHD and instead of getting me help, my parents resorted to the *disciplining your kid out of ADHD approach* which mainly resulted in me getting yelled at for hours or getting hit. Earlier that day, I had something happen at school that was messed up. Back then, I was still happy about having a birthday with my mom because I didn't yet have a super bad relationship with her and when I proudly exclaimed that my mom and I share a birthday, a girl who didn't like me in school told me that she bets that my parents hate me because I was born on my mom's birthday and I ruined that day for her. Yeah, I cried myself to sleep that night. So yeah, I cried myself to sleep these last two nights thinking about the above. Last night I also cried about how dry my social life is right now and how I miss this friend who ghosted me. I also cried after work today. I found out that I was put on phone duty at work on the week of my birthday. I have been on phone duty a lot lately because my team is understaffed and it's been quite stressful because it usually means that I have to work overtime and I'm being micromanaged. I was happy that this was happening on the week after my birthday but then due to a last minute change it's now happening on the week of. I've also been stressing about feeling behind and stagnant in my life because of some goals that I didn't reach this year and because people are side eyeing me because I'm in a relationship for over 3 years with no ring even though I'm not ready to get married yet.

Update on work and my wisdom teeth I'm more or less 90% back to my usual self in terms of crashing out over my wisdom teeth plus dealing with all the pain and inconveniences that came along with it. My only thing is that I still can't eat normally because it's gross and kind of painful for things to get caught in the stitches. So I'm going to be on this mush diet for a little longer. But it's honesly gonna be like 4-5 more days so I'm like more than half way there. I can get through this lol. Yesterday I cleaned my apartment and had some people over. I feel like that helped a lot. I also had some really good mac & cheese. I like mac &cheese so that is already a win but I think the extra carbs and calories came through and I feel much more satisfied and sane. As for work, I got the annoying tasks out of the way and I had that meeting with my manager. The meeting was pretty chill. I don't have much to say but that's a good thing. But yeah. I just needed some good food and social interaction and now I'm chilling for the most part.

Wisdom Teeth Rant: I got my wisdom teeth removed about a week ago. This is going to be gross but this was like my first time going to the dentist..... ever. I was having some tooth aches and turns out my wisdom teeth were causing problems. Turns out in addition to that, I also have a couple of minor dental issues here and there in addition to the whole wisdom tooth thing, and while that was concerning, I'm glad that I caught this early on instead of waiting until I had to get something expensive like a root canal. I've been pissed off for a number of reasons. I have been pissed off at my parents for the negligence of never taking me to the dentist growing up. There is a lot that can be said about my parents' ignorance around dental care and how I was never informed about anything from basic dental medical history from my family to the importance of regular check ups and professional cleanings. And again, thank god I don't have anything super serious going on with my teeth, but nevertheless, I have been learning some life lessons around this sort of thing. I'm pissed at the fact that I had to get my wisdom teeth taken out without general anesthesia (just local), meaning while I didn't physically feel anything, I was awake the whole time. I dead ass had nightmares of the procedure for a couple days after I got it done. I didn't want to get this done while I was a awake but it was either this or waiting until god knows when to get this taken care of and I was already in a lot of pain. I didn't care if it was going to be significantly more expensive to be put completely to sleep. I was willing to pay the cost because I know what kind of anxious person I am when it comes to things like this. But after making dozens of phone calls to figure out the pricing, doctors, what insurance will and wont cover, and then finally getting an appointment to a doctor's office that had the general anesthesia, only to find out that the person who told me this fucked up, it pissed me off. I can still hear the cracking and breaking of my teeth as they were getting removed and it still makes me feel queasy. Anyways, my reassurance is that I will never have to go through the wisdom tooth removal process again in my life because I made the right call to get all four removed at once despite my parents' wishes (again, ignorance was at play for them here too). I'm pissed at the fact that I have to be on a liquid/ mushy foods diet for 2 weeks. First of all, I don't like mushy foods in general because there are certain textures that I hate. Secondly, it's been hard for me to get enough calories and nutrients to where I feel like I can function. I'm tired all the time and I need a nap to get throught the day, which also messes with my sleep at night. I'm hangry. I'm more anxious than usual because I'm probably not getting in enough carbs and I have keto brain lol. And of course. I'm missing regular solid meals. I'm craving Cane's chicken really badly to the point where I'm binging on mukbangs lol. I also feel like I cannot take care of myself properly. First of all, my diet is messed up and as a result, so is my sleep and my mood. I also cannot work out because that could fuck up the healing process for this whole thing (search dry socket). I cannot talk to people and socialize as I normally do because the stiches bother me and my mouth feels weird. And I'm paranoid about dry socket which is this gross thing you can get if you don't take care of yourself properly which can lead to a lot of pain and lengthen this whole saga. I have been doom scrolling, both about dental issues and in general because I have nothing better to do. The only self care thing I have been able to do regularly is take showers and vent to my journal. I still have a week left of the liquid/ mushy foods diet. I can technically eat solid foods but it's kind of gross on how it can get caught in the stiches and I have to really focus in order to eat anything. I'm trying to focus on how things are getting better for me actually, and it is, but I'm still annoyed that I still have like 5 days of this to get through. It's just been taking up a lot of mental space and energy and I'm just so done. Work: I have the Sunday scaries. I really don't want to go to work. In addition to the typical Monday feeling, I feel like I'm dealing with a lot regarding my teeth and other things I have going on in my mind. I have some calls I have to make that I have been putting off. I have a meeting with upper management since my boss who usually does these meetings is on medical leave and that is making me anxious because I don't like upper management and I feel weird about them taking such a close look at me. I also don't feel well rested to tackle my job because it's been difficult taking care of myself as of late. I really don't want to go to work. I'm trying to put a positive spin on this because he alternative, calling in sick and rotting in bed all day, doesn't sound appealing either tbh. Also, not to mention, there is all types of fuck shit happening in the government and that is still giving me an existential crisis. The Government / Society: There is a shut down happening so people aren't getting paid. There are protests happening in Portland and Chicago which I love to see, but it's fucked up with the way that they are being painted as violent by the administration. The national guard from Texas is being sent to Chicago which feels alarming because I don't know how this shit is going to escalate. I'm slowly starting to go numb from all of the stuff regarding ICE. And I stg Trump is passing every fucking thing except away. I'm so fucking done with this man and the way that he has been in the political sphere for the last 10 years. That man has been causing chaos since I was a teenager and I'm so done with this era of politics and culture to the point where I'm romanticizing 20 fucking 14. And sure, the ICE stuff is the most alarming thing in my mind when I'm looking at this country burning by the greed of the oligarchs but that doesn't even get me started on the economy, AI, women's rights, LGBTQ issues, racism, surveillance issues, and foreign affairs. And I feel like I can't fucking escape it because I'm seeing it trickle into pop culture with the trad wife propaganda, the sprinkle sprinkle shit, the Andrew Tate effect, the clean girl trends and the fatphobia and racism that comes with it, and last but certainly not least, the old money aesthetic and any forms of wealth worship and overconsumption.

I Feel Like I Should Have More Things Figured Out I wrote about this about a month ago in my main journal: I will say that mentally I have been feeling much better since I wrote this post. I have been processing through this in therapy and we've been talking about how the pacing of your life and your milestones changes once you get out of school and your early 20s and that it isn't necessarily a sign that you're stagnating (though it can be for some) but rather that some goals just take more time as life happens and you get more responsibilites. I understand that my 16 year old self had a more simplisitic understanding of what it takes to figure out your life and the pace at which this happens. I remember back then thinking that adults use the *oh well.. life happened* as a cop out to not go after their dreams and live according to their values. And while that is true for some people and how they just go with the path of least resistance instead of putting active effort towards their lives and focussing on things accordingly, there are also some legit reasons of life happening that are valid detours from fulfilling your life goals. I don't think 16 year old me was able to factor in those detours because she simply didn't have the life experience and exposure to know what those are entirely. While I'm no longer beating myself up and comparing myself like I wrote in my previous post (or at least not in the same way), and I don't think of myself as a loser in my mid-20s, I do feel very mid. I'm not in my desired field (and probably won't be for another few years because of the current political situation). I'm still living in Dallas despite having dreams to move to a larger city from age 16 (which honestly made the most financial and logistical sense for school and work). And while I have some friends (which is pretty good considering the whole lonliness epidemic and COVID fucking people up in the head), I don't feel particularly fulfilled socially. While I don't think I'm stunted socially, I do think that the lack of social abundance in adulthood is something that is slowing down the speed that I can develop as a person. And all of this is causing me to stress about my current relationship with my boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, the relationship is healthy and I have an amazing and supportive partner who is willing to stand by my side as I figure my life out. We have been together for about 3.5 years at this point and we are at this stage that we call "down low engaged" where we aren't officially engaged with a ring and a wedding date but we are actively having conversations and trying to coordinate so that we can build a life together. He is an amazing boyfriend. The problem is that I don't know if he is going to be the best life partner, not because he doesn't have the capability to do so, but because in order to be compatible as life partners, y'all need to have an agreement of what kind of life you want to build together. And I am very all over the place regarding that because I'm not in my desired industry, I'm not living where I want to live long term, and I still have an existential crisis on the regular about having kids. And I think the worst feeling in all of this confusion is the fear that I'm potentially leading my boyfriend along because it's like, what if at year 6 I realize that this isn't what I want and that would destroy him emotionally to break up with him. I sometimes envy the people who get married at like 21 and they just want to buy a house in the suburbs and have 2.5 kids. I think that this is questionable in the sense of *how many 21 year olds actually have the life experience to know that this is what they truly want out of their lives vs how much of this is them running on autopilot*. But while I know that I have this sense of discernment and it's good that I'm taking things slow and doing the introspection so that I don't wake up at 43 hating my life, I do still feel like the people who got married and have kids young have more things figured out in life than I do. I'm here still struggling to figure out what I want from my life while they're already making the proper moves to go after what they want. Also, living in the south doesn't fucking help because I stg that a good chunk of people are married with kids by the time they get to my age or are aiming to do that. And I'm starting to notice people side eyeing me and my boyfriend for being together as long as we have been and still not having a ring. I also don't want to cast judgement and infantilize the people who are making permanent life decisions at a young age. I don't know people's lives like that and while something doesn't make sense to me and my life path, that doesn't mean that it's irrational on their end. I also don't want to infantilize myself and say that I'm not capable of things like getting married, having kids, etc. (insert long term life decision here). Having kids, buying houses, getting married, are age appropriate decisions for people in their 20s even if I personally am not ready to do something like that yet. And I also know that just because I can do something, that doesn't mean that it makes sense for me to do so. I could buy a house because judging by my bank account I can make the down payment and afford the mortgage. But that doesn't mean I should because given my income, I would basically be house poor and/or stressed about potential repairs and other hidden costs which will then compromise my over all quality of life and other things I want to financially pour into in this phase of my life. I could qualify for a position in middle management and have a significant pay bump in my current role. But that doesn't mean I should because I care about work life balance, I'm thinking of relocating which can compromise the way the team is run, and I do not intend on making my current job my career. I could marry my boyfriend of 3.5 years, but that doesn't mean I should since there are still things I'm figuring out in my life as far as what settling down looks like for me. But while I know all of this, I still feel like I should be more put together by now because I'm seeing so many people around me making these major life decisions / reaching major milestones in their career or their life purpose and I'm just in this season of stagnation where I feel confused with life and what I want to do because I still feel like I have so much more to explore and experience before making major decisions like that.

I Feel Like a Loser in My Mid-20s I was on social media the other day and I stumbled across someone I went to high school with (let's call him B). B got some kind of award to help out the queer community in NYC along with a large lump sum of money to fuel his passion project. After highschool, he went to an Ivy league university on a full ride, got a great job, and also became a drag queen in the spare time. I can't say I know much about his life now, but I do remember while going to school with him the kind of person he was in terms of his work ethic, the way he interacted with people, and his general homelife and financial situation. From what I know about this person, this is a genuinely successful, charismatic, and purpose filled person who is going places. And seeing his acheivements does make me happy but at the same time, it leaves me thinking *well, wtf have you been doing with your life you piece of shit?* Then I started doomscrolling, not politically but much more so socially, and I started searching up all the people I compared myself to over the years (I know.... such a smart move for my mental health). Among those people include the following: 1. This one girl I had a couple classes with in college who was Miss Texas while we were in college and later went on to graduate law school, got famous on social media, and ran for public office. (she's like 3-4 years older than me and I doubt she remembers my existance lol). Oh and she got married this year as well. 2. Another girl who I went to college with who was really good in all of her classes, would get any opportunity she applied for, gave of debate bro energy in a good way, and was also, hot as fuck lol. Now, she did a teaching program abroad, got a couple of high profile internships as the UN and the government, and just started law school in an Ivy. 3. One of my friends who is like super social and can make friends anywhere and just has a social calender who is booked and busy. 4. Another one of my friends who graduated with her masters at a prestigious institution, who is living in D.C., who has a good social life, and who is working in a field that is adjacent to their desired field. I just wish I was as hot, confident, smart, and hardworking as these people. Like I feel like a background character in my own life and I feel like I don't have a greater sense of passion fueling me towards a sense of purpose. I feel like I flopped so hard in college both socially and academically which has led me to lead kind of mediocre life. It kind of goes back to something I wrote about earlier in my journal: I can't say that I'm devoid of passion and purpose in my life. I have a couple of close personal relationships. I have hobbies and I make and effort to educate myself. I'm not rotting in bed all the time. I have a generally physically, mentally, and financially healthy life style. And while I'm not in my desired field, I am making the most of where I'm working currently. I have a handful of things there and there that I work towards as a side quest, but I have yet to find my main quest lol. And I guess I have it good in that I'm not a *total* loser, but I'm not exactly killing it at life and checking off achievements either. Like... I'm just mid lol. And I live in a mid ass city where not much happens despite us living in a constant flurry of historical events with a mid ass job where most people have been infected by the cultural nihilsm. I feel uninspired with my surroundings both environmentally (not living in a walkable environment with people who are capable of valuing friendship the way I do) and socially (at least when it comes to the people I'm around at work). I haven't found my people, I haven't found my sense of purpose, and I'm still stuck in this fuck ass town. And I feel like I have run out of time to a certain extent. I feel like I should have more things figured out by now.

Working on My Internalized Cultural Nihilism Pt. 2 I wrote this post about a month ago and I have a few updates. I have gotten back into working out and I have been better about my habits regarding cooking and keeping my space clean. I have been more social lately as well. While that doesn't sound like a lot, I feel like it has been a good positive shift in the right direction and I just feel better overall. I still feel kind of numb around politics. I haven't been reading. And I do need some hobbies lol. As for long term goals, I think a career change, a move to a walkable city, and more socialist friends are good to keep in mind. -------------------------------------------------------------- My attention span still feels shot though. I also still feel isolated because my social needs aren't being met. Politics and observing the state of society still feels like looking into the abyss. My career aspirations feels stagnant. And sometimes, even when I'm "living my best life" things still sometimes feels hollow. While things aren't perfect and is still a work in progress, overall, I feel much better about life. I don't feel burnt out as much. The existential dread I have feels more manageable. I feel less over and understimulated. I feel like I'm prioritizing resiliance, problem solving, and enjoying the journey over comfort, convenience, and efficiency which has left me feeling more engaged with life around me and more fufilled. I feel like I have better people skills now that I'm touching grass more lol. And though I don't like my job, I do think that reframing my mindset around it and me socializing/ showing up more authentically has alleviated some of the pressure and internal resistance I was feeling.

Screentime Logs I know that I haven't been logging my screen time on a daily basis like I did before. I think much of it is because the process of logging my time every day started to feel a bit redundant and repetitive. I think overall, my screentime is much healthier than when I first started my journal. I still check my screentime throughout the day in order to keep myself accountible so me not doing the daily logs is not indicative of my lack of accountibility. I think going forward, I just need to keep my social media usage in check. I have dealt with the whole thing about me being on my phone at night or early in the morning. I'm usually using Youtube in a healthy way. I'm not dependent on my phone on basic functioning such as noting things down, navigation, etc. My screentime is also not out of control. It's usually in the 4-2 hour range but considering a chunk of that is probably me listening to music, I think I'm doing well for myself. I'm not necessarily struggling with social media but I do notice that I tend to whip it out still when I'm overstimulated / stressed which is something I want to improve on. I don't really do it because I'm bored of I need to decompress in the way that I would in the past. But I do also tend to go to social media when I feel like I need to process existential dread. I think I generally have a healthy way of navigating that tbh. I'm also going to revist some goals that I set for myself about a couple months ago. I didn't really carefully think out this list rather I just jotted some initial thoughts down so as a result, I never saw this list as something that is set in stone, rather it's just a guideline. In other words, I think #2 and #3 are things that I want to keep in mind but not necessarily focus on. I think I'm like 75% there when it comes to crossing off #2 and #3. #4 is something that I want to be more intentional about going forward. I hope to transition into #5 by December 2025.