soos_mite_ah

Processing My Anxieties Around Searching for a New Job I feel like I have been processing my anxieties around searching for a job for the past few days. And I think I just need to write things down and spill things out so that I can process, piece together, and resolve my negative emotions that are preventing me from taking tangible action. I think I got lucky with the job search when I just left college and I didn't get a chance to go through the trenches of the job search. Which is good, and honestly thank god because I needed some luck and light at the end of the tunnel at that time. But at the same time, I bypassed the anxieties and negative emotions around the job search as a whole. So now I'm going to list out the things that I'm worrying about off the top of my head and work through each of these. What if I get a job too soon and then I have to deal with breaking my lease early and my boyfriend is having issues with securing a job at his pace? We'll deal with it when we get the offer at hand. Let's not get too ahead of ourselves. What if I can't secure any interviews and I'm stuck in my current job? We haven't even started applying. We'll deal with this fear later. What if I can secure interviews but they are unpaying me compared to the cost of living? We'll deal with it when we get the offer at hand. Let's not get too ahead of ourselves. What if I get a job with my desired pay range but it turns out to be toxic and I want my old job back? We'll deal with it when we get the job at hand. Let's not get too ahead of ourselves. What if my boss and manager looks at me weird when I ask them to be my referrences or get me a recommendation letter? Dude.. it is what it is at this point. This is something you will have to suck up in the application process. Plus, you probably won't need a recommendation letter until like June so again let's not get too ahead of ourselves. What if I don't get good GRE scores and have difficulty with getting a job for my desired wage? That's why you're going to have to study for this. I understand that you don't want to because it's giving you SAT flashbacks but I'm sure you will do great. Hell, if you get a job, you won't even have to worry about this. Remember, applying to grad school is your plan B that you're proactively prepping for. I'm sure y'all can see the common theme of me getting ahead of myself lol. Best case scenario is that I get a job that I'm interested in, have work life balance in, and pays you enough in a timely manner so that I can coordinate with your boyfriend. Worst case scenario is that I don't get a job this year nor do I get great GRE scores. But, hey, instead, I would have saved more money and gotten a promotion and perhaps the promotion will aid in the job search and applications in 2026. I know I don't like your job right now and I would like to get an exit ticket sooner rather than later but the good thing is that I'm not in a desperate position, I have something to fall back on, and as a result I'm less likely to make rash decisions and accept jobs that isn't good for me. I have the upper hand and the deck is stacked for your favor despite the current economy. But hey, I can be aware of the economy without focusing on it. I shouldn't focus on the economy or stagnating wages. I need to focus on what I want and need. And no matter how things are going to fall into place (because odds are, your outcome will be something in between the best and worse cases), it will be for your highest good. This past week I have focussed on getting through this disorienting week where I had Wednesday off as well as processing my anxiety for this upcoming year. This week I'm going to focus on updating my Linked In profile, updating my resume, and getting my GRE textbooks. On the week of 1/12, I will take a couple of GRE practice tests to see where I fall and my lesson plans going forward and I will apply to at least 1 job. Also, in addition to the part of me that fantasizes about quitting my job without a back up plan, there is this part of me that wishes I could just be carefree and frolick around and avoid my adult responsibilities. I know that I can't just do that because well, it's easier to get a job while you currently have one, because I do need references and letters of recommendation (so I'll also need to be going a good job in addition to keeping my job), and I need an income. While I'm fortunate in that I don't have kids, I don't have sick relatives to take care of, and I don't have a mortgage I'm tied to, I am worried about my lease at my apartment, how things will work with my boyfriend logistically,the impacts of my current friendships, and general adult responsibilities like cooking for myself and paying my bills on time. So sure, I don't have a TON of responsibility (like I'm not tone deaf/ unaware) but I do have some. And part of me wishes I didn't have this responsibility at all so I can experience a childlike carefree state of mind. There is a part of me that feels like I didn't get to enjoy that carefreeness as a child because of the expectations put on me and because of my chaotic household. I didn't get to experience that as a teenager because of academic stress and the existential crisis of trying to figure out what kind of job I wanted. I definitely didn't get to experience it in college due to the fact that I was working through trauma, a pandemic was raging on, and nothing was guranteed from the job market. And yes, back in October, I had a whole month to myself on PTO that I spent travelling. That helped a ton. But also, I was doing a lot of work in that time from organizing my trip to the journalling and reflecting I was doing to answer important questions of my life. Yes, it was a break from my usual, but I wouldn't say it was a break BREAK. I know that I'm nervous about the job hunt and I think this is causing me to want to unplug as the pressure, anxiety, and dread are getting to me. To me, frolicking means I'm waking up at my own time, going on my little work outs, spending time with friends, and getting a little treat WITHOUT worrying about the stresses and demands of work, worring about the job application process, or worrying unemployment. The last part is the important part because technicaly I can enjoy these little pleasures right now even with work can capitalism looming over head. Basically, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I would like to stop feeling like this meme: As well as this meme because now that I no longer have extended breaks, my free time feels scarce to an extent: Like I get why the boomer adults around me told me to enjoy school because in the future I'll have responsibilities. Which didn't resonate back then because as mentioned before, I wasn't exactly a carefree kid. Maybe I would be care free if I wasn't in school during late stage capitalism as the adults around me put pressure on me to not fail like the avocado toast buying Millennials who didn't think their careers through when choosing their art degree. I guess my best case scenario is getting a job and then having some time between my current job and the new one just to chill the fuck out. Honestly, I think 2 weeks is sufficient.

Just created yet another journal since my other journal was getting too long. I've also been wanting a new start and a new space since my last journal was started way back in 2021 when my life was very different from where I'm at right now. Here are my two previous journals for a quick reference/ recap: Psychoanalyzing Myself: 9/1/2021- 12/25/2024 The Joy Journal: 7/19/2020 - 9/7/2021

Diagnosis I tried to get a Autism and ADHD diagnosis. The diagnostic screening process also involved me getting screened for bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and general mood disorders. The final verdict this psychiatrist had is that I don’t have any of these things. To put in very simple terms, on a scale of 0-10, 5 and up meaning that you meet the criteria and threshold of the diagnosis in question, for autism I’m a .5, for ADHD I’m a .5, for borderline personality disorder I’m a 0, and for bipolar disorder I’m like a 4.5 to a 5. He explained that I might have a very VERY mild degree of bipolar disorder because I meet the criteria on paper but just barely. There is a good chance that external and situational factors are influencing this. For example, if I got rid of the wave of anxiety I’m experiencing, I would drop to a 3 for bipolar in the 0-10 scale thus disqualifying me from the diagnosis entirely. I’m going to start with the positives of my diagnosis experience. I do think it’s worth talking to a professional about this as opposed to taking online quizzes, consulting Dr. Google since Google never went to medical school, or going off of anecdotal experiences that you relate to when it comes to people who have been diagnosed. We talked about how situational and environmental factors make someone look like they have a disorder when that is not case. Because yes, things can come up in your life and you can experience mental health issues but unless what you’re going through is persistent and like a constant in your life, that cannot be classified as a disorder. For example, there is a difference between someone who is experiencing depression as a result of grief versus someone who has major depressive disorder. Someone might score high on a bipolar test screening when they’re going through a messy divorce but the symptoms and severity alone is not enough to diagnose them with bipolar disorder because you need to consider the context of someone’s life. Someone might be easily distracted in 2024 due to the prevalence of smart phones and the pressure to be on all the time even outside of work but that might not meet the threshold of being distractable enough to be considered ADHD even though if they had all the same symptoms in say 1970 they would have been diagnosed with ADHD no doubt. We also talked about personality as well, particularly in the case of getting diagnosed with autism. Sometimes you’re just more introverted than most people, or maybe you’re just little socially awkward and anxious, or maybe you’re straight forward and don’t really overthink the implications of what is being said rather you take things at face value. Those traits are not the same as meeting the criteria for being on the spectrum. Again, the broader context and specific things in the diagnostic criteria needs to be taken into consideration. Upbringing and culture can also affect your social patterns and it might coincide with some behaviors that people who have autism engage in but again, it isn’t enough to look at the symptoms and their severity, rather you need to look at the context of those symptoms. I also think that it is very likely that I don’t have autism rather I have social anxiety that might be causing me to act in “autistic ways.” I think the above are all valid points and I think it has been more helpful to have a more nuanced and professional opinion rather than spiraling on whether I have autism based on a Tiktok I saw and somewhat related to lol. At the same time, I don’t really agree with the final verdict this doctor has given me for the following reasons: Autism and ADHD can look different in women. Sure, both men and women do need to meet certain diagnostic criteria to be diagnosed regardless of how the criteria manifests, but I do believe personal biases can interfere with the final judgment of whether a criteria was met. It’s not uncommon for women specifically to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder when really is autism and/ or ADHD since the later is stereotyped as a little boy’s disease. On the same note of how this can manifest differently on women, women are more likely to mask and fall under the radar due to community building and cooperation being more emphasized in our socialization. I think that due to years of masking so that my symptoms don’t overtly present themselves. This doctor was basically like *you don’t have ADHD because you don’t fidget* and for me, I have learned over the years to control that really well. I have a general sense of energy and restlessness as a result of not fidgeting but rather than interpreting this as hyperactivity, a diagnostic criterion for ADHD, this guy is interpreting it as impulsive and anxiety which more closely relates to bipolar disorder. Also, this guy said that you can’t be autistic and have a desire for human connection or closeness. That felt weird because I do know people who are diagnosed but still like having friends and family. Like sure socializing and having those relationships aren’t easy and sometimes it feels easier to be alone instead because you’re not exerting the extra effort to decode social situations, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t like having people around you at all. I also think that painting people with autism as anti social or in some cases unable to express empathy can be dangerous in the way that it causes people to dehumanize neurodivergent people. On top of that, there is also a gendered aspect to this as well where women are socialized to prioritized human connection (and as a result they are more likely to fall under the radar) so the anti social bit is often something that is more closely associated with how autism shows up in men. I also explained that I have a mind that feels like it’s going a million miles per second and as a result I end up stumbling over my words, I interrupt people, and sometimes I have trouble falling asleep. He wrote all of this off to anxiety and as a result, a potential indication for mood disorder like bipolar. But the thing is that I don’t feel anxious when I am having a lot of thoughts, like they’re just there and how I process things. I tried to explain this but I don’t think he was receptive to it lol. I looked back at the diagnostic forms I filled out for both ADHD and bipolar disorder. Out of the 18 questions to determine if I have ADHD, I answered 12 of those questions as things I experience “sometimes” of “often”. For bipolar disorder, I answered no to the vast majority of the questions and the two things I said yes to involved being high energy. Now, it’s important to recognize that there is overlap between ADHD and bipolar disorder, the high energy being the main one. I have never experienced a manic episode and I would say that my mood is pretty stable. The doctor mentioned that there is a nuance on how hyperactivity is associated with ADHD but impulsiveness is associated with bipolar disorder. I explained that I took the test with the assumption that these two words basically mean the same thing since I don’t have the professional knowledge to differentiate between the two. As a result, I think some self-reporting might be at fault for the results in addition to how it’s being interpreted. That said, there is a differentiation between bipolar type 1 and type 2. Type one is the stereotypical bipolar disorder with manic episodes and mood swings. Type two is more depressive and experiences hypomania, which has similar themes to a manic episode but significantly less severe to where it’s not really interfering with someone’s life. And if I take type two into consideration, I can see elements of hypomania being present in my life. But then again, I very slimly fall into the potential of bipolar disorder and it’s not definitive enough for an actual diagnosis as there may be extra factors influencing things. Here is a article that details the types of bipolar disorder out in a very surface level: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355955 Given everything I written above, I wanted to re-examine my list of symptoms that I thought were indicative of autism or ADHD with the new information I have from the doctor. I also went over both of the lists with the doctor to get his opinion. The commentary under the list items includes this as well as my own input. I highlighted things in green as things that could indicate a dianosis Autism Symptoms: Difficulty reading social cues, being socially awkward at my big age, and taking things literally since you take things at face value. Could be autism, could also be social anxiety mixed with how you were brought up. Black and white thinking when it comes to trust in relationships/ time blindness (basically once you have earned my trust you have earned it and even if we haven’t talked in forever, the relationship was just frozen in time rather than deteriorating over the time we haven’t spoken). This is most likely due to my upbringing and the way relationships were modeled to me culturally since my parents come from a more collectivistic culture. Feeling overstimulated in loud environments This isn’t a super recurring thing. I think I experience this like a handful of times a year. This doesn’t meet the threshold for autism. Anyone can get overstimulated from time to time. Not liking mushy foods I thought this was a food aversion thing but then after talking to the doctor, he explained that food aversion causes you to reject a specific food because your brain tells your body that it's inedible. It also causes your body to react negatively by feeling nauseous or gagging, at the sight, scent or taste of the food. I don’t like mushy foods but it isn’t to the point where I’m gagging or nauseous. Again, it’s a threshold thing. Pattern recognition Might be an autism thing Having special interests I feel like my special interests over the years revolved around politics, psychology, and human rights issues. I feel like I have a detailed hobby when it comes to learning about these things and it is a little unconventional to care about this to the extent that I do. But what differentiates this from autism is that it’s not the interest itself or the intensity of which you enjoy it rather it’s when you struggle to have a meaningful conversation about anything else apart from that interest. And even then, it may not even be a meaningful conversation so much as a one-sided info dump. That is not the case for me. So basically, the only indicators that might point to autism and aren’t completely debunked is the pattern recognition and the difficulties with social cues. That is not sufficient for a diagnosis. ADHD Symptoms Executive dysfunction, difficulty getting started with tasks, organizing things, lack of object permanence causing food to rot in the fridge etc. This could be indicative of ADHD Interrupting people This could be ADHD or bipolar disorder. The doctor was leaning towards bipolar but I have my doubts. Stuttering because your brain is going faster than your mouth This could be ADHD or bipolar disorder. The doctor was leaning towards bipolar but I have my doubts. The need for external stimuli to focus That’s becoming pretty standard given the environments people live in with smart phones and the such. The need to walk around and get active to focus + pacing back and forth A lot of people do this and this alone doesn’t meet the threshold for hyperactivity. But also, one of the criteria to be diagnosed with ADHD is the fidgeting. I don’t fidget due to years of masking but I do think that my lack of fidgeting is the reason why I have to get up so often. I’m marking this in purple because I feel like it can go either way. Needing to get energy out after sitting for long periods of time and getting the zoomies after work You need two or more instances of high energy to be diagnosed with ADHD. If this happens only after work/ school, that isn’t sufficient. If it was ADHD, you would be having the zoomies even during work. Constant procrastination while growing up Considering that you grew out of the constant procrastination, it’s likely that you were a constant procrastinator due developmental stuff or anxiety (basically, you were a kid lol, your frontal lobe was still developing). Sleep issues due to racing thoughts and just constant thoughts in general. The doctor said this was more of a bipolar thing and linked to anxiety. I tried to tell them that I didn’t feel anxious when I had racing thoughts at any hours of the day but he like glossed over it. I’m more inclined to think this is more so ADHD. Sharing personal experiences to relate and empathize with someone when they are confiding in you. This might be an upbringing / cultural thing rather than an indication of neurodivergence. So I do think that there might be a case for ADHD but also the extent of which I think I have it are tempered with the nuances the doctor talked about. My main thing is the symptom overlap between ADHD and bipolar disorder and how the main thing I resonate with the bipolar is the high energy piece and nothing else really. I also think that gender and socialization does play a role in this as well and I think it's worth getting a second opinion.

2025 Goals Revised I was looking at the list above and just generally speaking have been anxious this past week because I feel like there is so much I want to accomplish in 2025 that I felt overwhelmed. I have decided to reorganize (or rather categorize) my goals so that instead of feeling like I have 12 big goals that I have 4 big goals with multiple subcomponents to help give structure to those goals and guide me. The bolded ones in black are the things I'm focussing on right now. Change my Career / get a new job Apply for new jobs to get a job that utilizes my major and makes $90k to $120k in D.C. ideas include jobs in journalism, NGOs, think tanks, etc. I'm not settling for less than this. I currently make about $75k in Dallas and I feel like this is an amount that enables me to feel fiancially secure/ comfortable. If I adjust this to the cost of living of DC, it amounts to something in between $90k to $120k. Study for the GMAT + start the application process for fellowships Studying for the GMAT is priority now and the application process will be more of a thing in June. The application process will involve getting financial aid information in order, 2 letters of recommendation, and a couple of essays. Figure out how the new job will work with your relationship and your lease Get a better wardrobe (I dress like Adam Sandler like 90% of my time due to my work from home job and i'm sure that after I change my life style that I will need to get new clothes) Figure out the last two bullets after the first two are accomplished and you have an offer at hand. Don't overwhelm yourself by getting ahead of yourself lol. Cooking try the list of recepies you have on your phone get comfortable making indian food by making something once a week Host Thanksgiving Hobbies get back into working out 3-5x a week (walking, weighlifting, yoga/ pilates) Read a book per month (preferrably fiction) Plan my next trip Social stuff Get over my social anxiety and get answers regarding whether I have autism or not and what to do about that. Make more friends who are fun weird and not questionable weird

My main journal is messy because I pour a lot of my contemplations and thoughts there. I read through the pages of my main journal and took note of the things I have been telling myself that I'll work on to compile a list of my objectives. I'm using this journal as a succinct way of tracking my progress. I'm going to roughly update this twice a month. I want this to be a more clean cut way of looking at my progress so that I don't have to read through my entire journal to get an idea. I normally encourage comments in my journal but because I want to keep this place clean cut, I don't want any comments on here.

The Dread I am feeling a sense of dread walking into the new year just as I did in 2024. Thankfully, this time around it feels less intense but it’s still here. Maybe that’s just adulthood? Or perhaps the way I handle it. Idk. This time around, I feel like the dread is mixed with underlying feelings of irritation and nervous anticipation. I think the following things are contributing to this: The Trump Presidency: I have no idea wtf is going to happen given that all 3 branches are red now and they have project 2025. I think as a country we will be okay in the long run but in the short term, it’s going to get worse before it gets better. It won’t be like this forever, but I don’t know how far this hole goes. I am confident in my ability to handle things and not to toot my own horn but I think I’m in a privileged enough position monetary and in terms of having my passport/visas updated to get out in an emergency situation and help those around me. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about what happens to the people around me or that my privilege blinds me from what other people are dealing with but it is to say that I’m not the type of person who should be worrying the most. My job: Things have been getting better at my job since I came back from my break in terms of me not being burnt out, anxious, lacking in motivation. I have been pretty consistently performing well and have been productive in the volume of work I do. However, I had a talk with my boss about the only metric that I’m not meeting and that irritated me. She’s fine, don’t get me wrong, and I know she’s just looking out for me. It’s really the pressures of upper management. Basically, I don’t log enough of my time at work because I’m fairly efficient. I can get 50% more work done compared to the requirement in like 3-4 hours in my work day and chill / wait for something to happen for the remainder of my time. Which is kind of the nature of this job from the time that I was hired. But now, with some changes to upper management, there is this expectation that you’re constantly busy even when there is no work around. And that annoys me because if you look at my other metrics, it’s very clear that I’m not a slacker and I do my job, and I do it well at that. It makes me feel like I’m getting punished for being efficient. That’s one thing that I hate about corporate, that doing a good job doesn’t reward you with anything other than more work. It’s not like I’m an overachiever either, I feel like I’m doing the bare minimum on my end to still show that I’m fulfilling my responsibilities. If I do any less, I will be neglecting my responsibilities, and it will show. I also hate the false sense of urgency and the whole thing around pretending to be busy (thankfully I work from home but still). I know this is going to sound naïve and childish of me but I can’t believe that I have to do this shit for another few decades. It’s the weight of that that fills me with dread while the bullet point about talking about my productivity with my boss is just the surface level irritation. Also, I think the dread for the new year is there because my 2 years in corporate anniversary is January 3rd. So I'm like having a tiny existential crisis about what it is I'm doing with my life since I'm here with this company another year. I am happy with my decision about doing a corporate job after college. I think it helped me save a ton of money to do other things with my life and it gave my life a sense of stability that I was really needing in order to figure out what I wanted to do going forward. At the same time, I feel this sense of shame that I haven't made major moves towards where I ultimately wanted to go because I didn't quite feel ready since there were things I still wanted to accomplish at this job. But the good thing is that now my existential crisis is causing me to really feel ready and the dread contributes to it. Gonna be honest, I'm kind of at this place with this job where sometimes I fantasize about quitting without having anything lined up and just giving myself the time to frolick through life for a couple of months or have the fact that I don't have something lined up to propell me into figuring things out sooner rather than later. I know that's a dumb decision and I'm not going to do that, especially in this economy, but that doesn't stop me from fantasizing lol. This is the year I will have to work towards a career change: I have to start applying to jobs and fellowships. I’m nervous about the opportunities that are out there and what I’m capable of qualifying for. I’m nervous about how long this will take, how my living situation will be impacted, and how my personal relationships with change as a result. This dread has an undercurrent of intimidation when it comes to long term goals. Watching my parents get older and thinking about the responsibilities that will come with that. I think the passage of time is just hitting different now that I’m older. I’m still scared at the thought of my dad passing before my mom even though it is likely that in this event she will move to India to be with her siblings. I don’t have a good relationship with her and I don’t want to take care of her when she’s old. I also feel juvenile for not having a good relationship with her, like I’m some kind of angsty kid who can’t let go of a grudge even though there are many aspects of this relationship that is broken. The thought of just taking care of my dad when he’s old still feels intimidating since it feels like a big responsibility, but it doesn’t feel like a burden I would grow resentful of. But if it’s both my parents or just my mom, I don’t know how I would handle that. Also, my mom’s eating disorder is still raging on and I can tell that it has made her frail, lacking in energy, and just over all dead looking. That sure as hell doesn’t help. I sometimes wonder if I have some kind of aversion to responsibility. I don’t want to get promoted at work because I don’t want to be responsible for more work. I don’t want to have kids badly enough to justify having them and being responsible for them 24/7. I don’t want to work towards owning a house. I don’t want to take care of aging parents (mainly my mom). I wonder if this makes me stunted in some way. So let’s address this point by point. I don’t want to get promoted at work not because I don’t work hard or because I don’t care about my job at all, but because I don’t want to burn myself out over something that isn’t super important to me. By that I mean that I do see virtue in doing a good job and being reliable but I’m not willing to bend myself backwards to where the rest of my life suffers and I have no work life balance. Not wanting kids or not deciding to have them is not indicative of some kind of moral failing. You’re not selfish for not wanting kids. There are plenty of parents who have kids for selfish reasons and being able to acknowledger your short comings in this situation and not wanting to bring kids into a less than ideal situation is not an indication of selfishness rather it is the later. You aren’t somehow childish for not wanting kids. And you’re not lazy nor are you resisting growing into an adult. Being able to acknowledge this isn’t the life path for you despite the world’s peer pressure and being able to stick to that is an act of self-awareness. And that takes effort and critical thinking which is the opposite of being lazy or avoiding adulthood. My main thing around home ownership is that I don’t think it’s as economically sound of a decision as it was for my parent’s generation giving how the price of housing has skyrocketed. Even if I can afford a down payment, I don’t want to buy a house for the sake of buying a house without thinking if this is a good financial decision for my life situation specifically. I don’t want to buy a house at the cost of my financial peace of mind to where I’m stressed out about a mortgage and I’m house poor. Sure I’m intimidated at the thought of taking care of my aging parents but I think it’s important to acknowledge the context as to why I feel this way given my history of abuse from my mom. I’m 90% sure that I would feel differently if my childhood had been different as well as my adult relationship with my mother. I think I’m also dreading the new year because I have a lot of things I want accomplish this year and I don’t know how I’m going to do it all. I kind of feel intimidated by 2025. See the following post: I referenced the following videos when I was writing about the dread a year ago. I feel like they are still applying now.

Grooming and Being Groomed I remember having a phase in like middle school (like age 12-14) where I got really into Pretty Little Liars. I think I mainly lost interest after one of the seasons started taking the plot in directions that got absurd and they were doing plot twists for the sake of plot twists. I feel like this video was not only a way of revisiting the nostalgia from a show that i loved but also analyzing it from the lens of my 13 year old self and comparing it to what I think now at 25 particularly in the topic of age gap relationships. I think looking back, many people look at this show as a text book definition of how NOT to portray an age gap relationship on screen for an impressionable audience. I think the video above did a really good job breaking down every element of this, from the way that the couples were portrayed in the plot, the settings they were portrayed in romantic lighthearted way, the way that the narrative was framed to get the audience to root for them, and common grooming tactics that were played of as normal in a romantic dynamic. I also learned more about the fandom and how they treated the age gap dynamic. I didn't know how creepy the writers were even off screen and how that translated in the way that they created merch and interacted with their fans on social media. I remember looking at both Wren and Spencer and Ezra and Aria as scandelous when I first watched the show at like 12/13. But I remember that the whole show felt scandelous because of the plot twists, the general drama between the characters, and the creepy murder mystery vibes. It's like the scandelous elements of those relationships blended in with the rest of the show. On top of that, I think it's important to recognize WHY I thought these relationships were scandelous at age 13. I thought Wren and Spencer was scanadelous because it's fucked up to sleep with your sister's fiance. And I thought Ezra and Aria's relationship was scandelous because it's a teacher/student dynamic. At that age, I was not thinking about the age gap at all and if anything I think I remember thinking the girls were fucked up for being in these dynamics because the show really does portray them as the pursuers rather than acknowledging these guys as the creeps and manipulators they were. Spencer and Aria didn't know better regarding the reprucussions of such relationships and the exploitative nature of them at their age of like 15-17 and neither did I as a middle schooler. I'm going to be honest, at that age, getting pursued by a guy whose in his like early to mid 20s did seem sexy because when you're surrounded by 14 year old boys, guys in their early 20s look like they have their lives together. Also, the actors in real life were closer in age with each other compared to the characters they portrayed. And as a result, visually the dynamic doesn't seem as jarring. Especially with Ezra and Aria, I remember thinking both of them were attractive and as a result looked great together, totally ignoring the context of that relationship. And the video does a great job in going into the ways that the relationship was portrayed to make it seem less predatory. I also caught myself thinking about the portrayal of another age gap relationship I saw on screen which is the movie Priscilla, about the story of Priscilla Presley and her relationship to Elvis. Priscilla did a really good job at showing why this age gap relationship would feel glamorous for a teenager while not glamorizing the relationship to the audience. You can see what Priscilla saw in Elvis while as the viewer feeling how uncomfortable, awkward, tense, and just down right weird and dark ther realtionship was. I think if I remember correctly, Priscilla was 14 and Elvis was 24 when they met. Sophia Coppola did a really good job of creating this nuanced atmosphere in the movie. I remember feeling groomed while watching this movie and recognizing the predatory, unsettling nature of it. But looking back at Pretty Little Liars and the analysis of it, at my age it feels unsettling, not only because I know better but because of the way that it sneakily was portrayed in a positive light that was undetectable to most of the audience during the time in which the show aired. Priscilla felt unsettling in the moment while Pretty Little Liars feels unsettling in retrospect. Relating this back to real life, even if you're not trying to catch a case, the thought of dating someone older when you're in your teen years seemed aspirational at the time. I have this memory of this girl that I was in the 8th grade with (so we're like 13/14 years old). She was like this stereotypical pretty girl who could probably get any guy she wanted. She was 13 and she was dating someone who was 16. I remember thinking that she was so cool and so pretty that she could fit in with and date older guys and meanwhile I'm here looking awkward and I can't even get my crush to notice me. Looking back, I don't envy this girl at all because of the number of sketchy situations she ended up in and how her parents were pretty negligent on so many aspects of her life. I don't see what she went through as cool or aspirational rather I just feel gross and awful for her and the trauma she likely got from that. Ii have been thinking about this since I hit 18 but preying on kids who are younger than you or in a very different place in life than you is peak weirdo behavior. I remember turning 18 and going to college, and thinking about how weird it would be if I were to date a 16 year old who is a sophomore in highschool. I remember turning 21 and thinking how weird it would be to date an 18 year old. And I think that as I get older, this visceral reaction to not prey on younger people gets stronger. I cannot imagine being 25 now and trying to be friends with, let alone date and have sex with a teenager like the guys in this show. Not only that, I can't imagine wanting to thrist after a guy who is significantly older than me, especially now that I have my own money, I am supporting myself financially with no problem, and I have stable life on so many levels. Basically, when I think of age gap relationships, regardless of whether I envision myself as the older or younger party, I feel like this cat right here.

I've been exploring my sexuality and what I do and don't find attractive for a while but I've been doing that more lately. I think about sex and intimacy WAAAYY more than I want to admit and I think I'm at a point where I need a outlet to lay out all of my thoughts. I don't know what kinds of posts I'm going to do or where this is going to lead but I hope that I can utilize my pent up energy and make something constructive out of it. A little background: I have considered myself asexual from the age of 14 to 21. That has had a huge impact on my relationship with my sexuality. Now I'm in a place where I'm questioning my orientation mainly because I'm on birth control now and the pill is messing with my hormones and my head. I thought I was very sure about my sexual orientation but I guess tf not. I'm just rethinking a lot of things tbh. Also, I find the topic of attraction really interesting as a whole and the way that different dynamics interplay with one another and how a lot of things regarding sexuality, though they may seem raw and unfiltered, don't exist in a vacuum. This has been kind of a side interest that I enjoy talking about with people but it wasn't anything that I looked into on my own until now since I'm getting interested in all of this more. So yeah... let's see where this journal goes

I wanted a poll version of Leo's topic lol.

Self-Consent and Internalized Messages One thing that this website and pickup messaging made me feel was that sex and sexual acts were a requirement in a romantic relationship. That if you’re not pleasing your man sexually, then they have no point in being with you. And I am aware that this is very objectifying and transactional way of looking at relationships yet that is the messaging that I found myself internalizing after viewing pickup related content. I have debated whether or not to post this because I want to preserve the privacy of my partner even though this is an anonymous internet forum. But after writing this, I thought that this is important to share given the influence of pick up on this forum and because I did censor out the more private/personal parts of my sexual relationship. I have been with my current partner for 2.5 years now. We started dating back in May 2022 and we didn’t have sex until August 2023 even though we did do other things in the meantime. Much of it was down to me feeling anxious in my body and afraid of getting pregnant despite using protection and being on birth control because of the abortion ban in Texas. I was afraid of the possibility of something going wrong, like the condom breaking or me taking my birth control to early or late, and that resulting in a pregnancy that would ruin my life. I'm 100% sure that I wouldn't have waited this long had Roe v. Wade not been over turned. I felt ready to have sex in this relationship like 3 months in but I just didn't feel physically safe due to the overturning. We started having sex once a month, a week before my period. During the week of my period, when taking birth control, I’m on some placebo pills. The placebo pills don’t prevent pregnancy, so you can get pregnant on that week, but they are there to regulate your menstrual cycle and so you can have your period that week. We would have sex the week before the placebo pills so I would still be on birth control but I wouldn’t be waiting too long before I got my period. I knew that I wanted to have the confirmation of having my period within a few days having sex. That way I wasn’t going to be anxious for 2+ weeks after having sex to see if my period was going to come. The first 3-4 times doing this, I was anxious after sex. Despite taking precautions, I felt like I couldn’t trust my body since the safety net of abortion, the last resort emergency solution, was taken from me. After doing this a few times, I found myself feeling comfortable with my body and not being anxious about the possibility of pregnancy anymore. After that, my partner and I started having sex about 2x a month. I brought this up with my partner and how I felt about not having sex more often. I felt like this was fine for my sex drive, but I felt this pressure since I had this thing in my mind that told me that most couples have sex 2-3x a week. He told me that he wished that we could have it more often, but it wasn’t something that was particularly bothering him. To be fair, we don’t live together, and we see each other about twice a week. He spends the night at my place like once or twice a month. We’re not one of those couples who are attached at the hip due to geographical difference and due to having a life lol. I feel like we would be having sex more frequently if we lived together. But that is not to say we’re not affectionate with one another. We’re always kissing and cuddling when we’re around each other. He told me that us having sex like once or twice a month was alright and is what works for us as a couple and that we shouldn’t be comparing ourselves to other people. I think I internalized this fantasy of what a relationship should look like based on the experiences of what people in this forum expressed as ideal. It’s not that there is anything wrong with expressing that a person might want to have sex more frequently, like a few times a week, but it's more so this assertion that you can’t have a relationship without it. There were a handful of times where I felt like I had to have sex even though I didn’t feel like it, because I was afraid that I was depriving my partner since we haven’t had sex in a while. There were a couple times when my partner caught that I was forcing myself to have sex and had to tell me that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do and we just opted to cuddle for the rest of the night instead. There were also a couple times where I was having some difficulties physically and I didn’t want to go on and he reassured me saying that he’s in this relationship because he cares about me and not because of whether he can have sex with me. He said that he would still love me and want to be in a relationship with me even if we never have sex again. I can’t say that this felt incredibly romantic. It isn’t romantic for someone to tell you that you don’t have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with and that they will still love you even if you don’t have sex with them. That’s just being a decent person who doesn’t want to violate the person they love and doesn’t view the relationship as transactional. It’s the bare minimum. But, I will say, it felt reassuring more than anything else. It felt like a reality check I needed to cleanse myself of the misogynistic brain rot the alpha males of the internet have spewed. I understood early on before getting exposed to this content that sex means something different for different people. It can carry varying degrees of importance in a relationship, which is why it’s important to find someone who is compatible in that way. For some people, sex is a really important part of a relationship. For others, it’s not as important and it’s a nice bonus. But in the same way that pickup makes you think there is only one way to be attractive as a woman, it does also make you think there is only one way to be in a (let’s be real, heterosexual) relationship. That fucked me up for a while. I would say that my partner honors consent with me better than me honoring consent from myself. There were times where I felt insecure about my sexual performance because I didn’t want to have sex super frequently and because I had some physical issues here and there that made sex uncomfortable. And I always knew porn wasn’t an accurate depiction of sex. Most of those positions just look uncomfortable even if they look good on camera. But I still felt like I was somehow underperforming in this relationship or being a bad girlfriend because I wasn’t this confident and competent sex god that is capable to doing various acrobatics and twisting myself into a pretzel. It took me a minute but eventually I got to a place where I made peace that my partner and I are both alright with the frequency we were having sex and that I shouldn’t get wrapped up in the potential performance of expectations of what other couples may or may not be doing. It mainly took reassurance from my partner and me distancing my intake of the alpha male/ pick up type of content since it wasn’t healthy for me and was setting unrealistic expectations given the context of this relationship.

AAAAAAND THIS JOURNAL IS OFFICIALLY CLOSED I don't mind additional comments on here and I will respond but I will be moving my journaling to my new journal. There will be no new journal entries on my part here. Here is my new journal:

I’ve been meaning to start a new journal because The Joy Journal is getting too long and I want a fresh start. I also came up with a better title for my journal after a couple months of starting my first journal. I originally went into that one not knowing where my journaling would lead and as a result, I didn’t really pick the best title and I caught myself cringing a little lol. But yeah I’m fixing that problem as well as giving myself a new start since the last journal has too many posts to where I even have trouble keeping up with it and organizing my thoughts.

2025 Goals Apply for new jobs to get a job that utilizes my major and makes $120,000 in D.C. Study for the GMAT Get a better wardrobe Get back into working out (walking, weighlifting, yoga/ pilates) 3-5x a week Start volunteering again Figure out how the new job will work with your relationship and your lease Host Thanksgiving Get over my social anxiety and get answers regarding whether I have autism or not and what to do about that Get comfortable making Indian food by making something once a week Plan my next trip Make more friends who are fun weird and not questionable weird Read one book a month

Just added a 0 as an option. I didn't know that in the polls all the questions are mandatory lol.

Sorry for the late ish response. I took some time to watch some of their content. They seem pretty solid. Thanks for the recommendation Yeah.. I do think that this is urgent and a problem. I don't mean to minimize that but I think as a collective we have come back from larger back slides and I do have faith for the future in the long run. But short term, it's gonna get worse and a lot messier before it gets better. I appreciate this too. I started watching it and I'm like an hour in. It's gonna take me a minute lol.

Not Writing in this Journal / Cringe I decided to close one of my journals since it was getting too long and it was getting difficult to navigate. I also decided to close up that journal because I felt like I changed a lot from when I first started it and I wanted to start a new journal as a clear demarcation for this new place I'm at in my life. I also wanted to use the demarcation as a separation of sorts because I'm experiencing a healthy dose of cringe from my previous content. And now that I think of it more, yes that cringe was coming from that journal but I also feel like a lot of it is coming from here as well so I want to reflect on that. I read through much of my writing in this journal and I have some thoughts. 1. Sex feels very mundane and doesn't really occupy my mind much. I tried to watch porn for the first time in a while. Not surprisingly, it felt kind of boring because of the way it's not really shot in a way to appeal to women. I journaled about this in the past: But also, I think since I have sex more regullarly since first starting this journal, it just became part of life really. Sure it's enjoyable but it isn't this elusive, special thing that I want to psychoanalyze. I also don't usually think of sex anymore unless I have been away from my partner for a while. I remember before entering this relationship it was one of those things that was constantly on my mind but I'm glad that I have more mental space now lol. I'm embarrassed about horny posting a few times in this journal years ago. I'm going to go into talking about privacy in a minute but with a greater emphasis of privacy I have now in these matters, it feels kind of cringe to just be horny posting. Granted, I remember this being worse but as I read through this journal I probably found less than 10 posts where I found myself cringing at. That's not too bad since this journal has more than 180 posts. I'm not even going to bother deleting these posts becuase even though it's not an accurate reflection of who I am now, it was an accurate reflection at a certain point of time and I want to own up to it even though it is a little cringe. I think when you're in your late teens / early 20s it's pretty normal at that stage to be talking about and thinking about sex a lot even in more crude ways. I think it's more to do with sex being a relatively new thing for most people at that age and they're beginning to think more critically about it and figure it out for themselves. But I feel like as you get older, you have figured out much of this for yourself, and you have a more long term partner that discussing this feels like you're making a big deal out of the mundane and that you want to prioritize privacy more. 2. I'm hesitant to talk about my sexuality and my challenges when it comes to sex in this journal since I have been with my current partner for a while and I want to respect his privacy. I have encountered a few challenges here and there when it came to our sex lives from differing drives, physical health concerns, and just some of weird messages I have internalized from this forum and being exposed to pick up related content. I guess I have been hesitant to write about sex, not because I think it's dirty, shameful, immoral, or something I'm supposed to keep hidden away but because a lot of my experiences do closely involve another person in my life. I guess it's more about the way I go about explaining things and the amount of personal information I unveil on the internet. Maybe some things are best to journal privately first and then figure out how much I want to be open with. 3. I'm not as kinky as I thought I was way back when. I wrote about this numerous other journal posts but one thing I didn't really touch on is how the sexualization of fear doesn't resonate with me at all. I wrote in earlier posts on how there was a part of me that felt turned on by being a little nervous and tensed up and I feel like that's not the case anymore. I was writing from a place of anticipation and lack of experience and now that I'm more comfortable with myself and I know how I carry myself in these situations due to more experience, it simply doesn't appeal to me.

Table of Contents: Page 1 Dealing with Collective Trauma Liminal Stages Clicking with People and Trying to Make Friends Part 1: Leftists Clicking with People and Trying to Make Friends Part 2: High on Openness Gen Z Crackhead Humor Reflections: July 2020 to March 2021 Redefining Common Points of Self Improvement Feeling Profoundly Stupid Being Pushed in a Certain Direction Getting Back Into the Flow of Things Elements of Doomer Mentality Envy, COVID, and Rich Conservative White Kids HealthyGamerGG Temperature Check Part 1: Spiral Check Temperature Check Part 2: Ego Development Check Disassociation Imposter Syndrome Birthday Blues Page 2 Terrible Boomer Career Advice How Do People Even Get Themselves Into These Situations? Key Take Aways Part 1 Key Take Aways Part 2 Revisiting a Past Version of Myself Grounded Astrology and the Timing of My Own Life 555 Angel Numbers Personal / Professional Boundaries in My Writing Healthy relationships Part 1: Common Themes Who TF Would I Be Without the Internet Page 3 The Normalization of Drugs in Adult Life Cringing at Yourself in Your Formative Years My View of Long Term Goals Cringing at Yourself in Your Formative Years The Sad White Girl Trope Acknowledging that this Semester was Rough for Me Thoughts on Motherhood Goals for Next Year: Past Reflections Goals for Next Year: Where to Go From Here Parasocial Relationships Page 4 Relational Trauma Experiential and Factual Truth Autism and Neurodivergence: Unpacking Stereotypes Around Autism Autism and Neurodivergence: Neurodivergence =/= Mental Disorder and the Problems with Masking Autism and Neurodivergence: Unpacking my Ableism- You Can’t Have Bad Days Some Videos I Really Like I SHOULD’VE BEEN A WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!! A Brief Life Update (1/11/22) How This Forum Influences My View on Men Zyzz Healing Your Inner Child Page 5 Media Consumption Analysis 2021: Life Experience Content? Media Consumption Analysis: Commentary Channels / Video Essays Media Consumption Analysis: Self Development Channels A Brief Life Update Featuring **Mild Depression** Mild Depression Learning from Old Relationships The Hellscape that was the Early 2000s My Current Routines Taking Stock of My Social Circle Who TF Are Y’all Hanging Out With???? I’m Getting My Hunger Cues Back !!!! Page 6 Finally Getting Over Myself Spiral Check April 2022 Kardashian Memes I Associate with Sections on this Forum The Beginnings of a More Spontaneous soos_mite_ah My Main Life Goals Random Little Thoughts Reflections From This Year 2022 What Does the Next Chapter of My Life Look Like Spiral Check October 2022 Ego Development Check October 2022 Page 7 List of Fears, Insecurities, and Triggers Ego Development Check Pt. 2 Thoughts on Graduating College Luxury Tiktok Compilations My First Job Out of College Posts I want to think about more The Happiness Spectrum Fake Growth v. Real Growth Surviving Capitalism How are Things Going with My New Job Coping Under Capitalism Part 1: A Desire for Meaning Coping Under Capitalism Part 2: A Grain of Salt Thoughts on Having a Kid Where do I want to Live Page 8 Ultimate Guide to Happiness: My Notes Pt. 1 Ultimate Guide to Happiness: My Notes Pt.2 Leaning into Boredom How Aligned Am I To My Top Values My Frugal Relationship with Money Listening to my Inner Teenager Impulsive Intrusive Thoughts Lefty Self Help The Men on this Forum and Why I Stick Around. Some Videos I Liked Page 9 My Changing Relationship to Writing My Hobbies and Interests Throughout the Years Mass Shootings Secondary PTSD: The Victims Coping Healing? That Funny Feeling Spiral and Ego Development Check Strategist, Construct Aware, and Unitive Stage Thinking of my 16 Year Old Self Page 10 I MOVED OUT OF MY PARENT’S HOUSE!!! Thoughts on Moving Out A Reflection on My Habits from Earlier This Year Things I’ve Figured Out Careerwise My Dreams Have Died How Aligned Am I To My Top Values A More Materialistic Phase in My Life? The 2000s The Toxicity of the 2010s The Toxicity of the 2020s Part 1 Thoughts on 1 Month Living Alone The Toxicity of the 2020s Part 2 More Thoughts on Motherhood Thoughts on Adulthood Thoughts on Womanhood Aging Page 11 Self-Infantilization 23 22 Palestine My Understanding of What is Going On Some Spiritual Thoughts Materialism Boycott Fatigue Cynicism and Desensitization The Mundane is Anything But Emotional Processing Update: Being Okay with Being Okay Emotional Processing Update: The Timeline of My Grief Part 1 Emotional Processing Update: The Timeline of My Grief Part 2 Thoughts on Advocacy Emotional Neglect Proximity to Violence The Aesthetic of Womanhood 1 Year Working in my Corporate Job My Trip to the North East Page 12 My Trip with My Dad Things I Want to Discuss in Therapy Media Consumption Analysis 2023 The Dread Additional Income Looking Back at Past Posts Reducing My Media Consumption Growing Pains Being Happy vs Being Right: Family Matters Being Happy vs Being Right: Plastic Surgery Romanticizing the Past (Again): 70s – 90s Edition But also, the past SUCKS My Dream Lifestyle My Inner Teenager and Her Bad Habits The Ways I Gentle Parent Myself An Update on the Dread Doomer, Gloomer, Bloomer Page 13 Some Videos I've Liked: I am not my type and that is ok Ramadan 2024 3/12/24 5:30 am: Reflections after Day 1 (3/11) 3/13/24 7:04 am: Reflections after Day 2 (3/12) 3/14/24 On and off from 6:30 am to 10 am: Reflections after Day 3 (3/13) 3/15 1:30 pm: Reflections after Day 4 (3/14) 3/16 1 pm: Reflections from Day 5 (3/15) 3/17 4:50 pm: Reflections after Day 6 (3/16) Lines of Development Lines of Development: Where to Grow from Here Not Wanting to Move to Stage Turquoise 3/18 6:05 pm: Reflections After Day 7 (3/17) and Day 8 (3/18) 3/20 9:15 pm: Reflections from Day 9 and 10 3/21: Day 11 Reflection 11:31 am 3/23 1pm : Day 12 Reflection from 3/22 3/24: Reflections after Day 13 (3/23) and Day 14 (3/24) 3/26 10 pm: Reflections After Day 15 (3/25) Page 14 3/26 10pm: Reflections After Day 16 (3/26) 3/27 7pm: Reflections after Day 17 (3/27) 4/5 2:15 am: Reflections after Day 18(3/28) through Day 24 (4/4) 4/5 2:40 am: Reflections from Day 25 (4/4) 4/6 6:40 pm: Reflections from Day 26 (4/5) and Day 27 (4/6) 4/8 4:45pm: Reflections from Day 28 (4/7) 4/8 11:00pm Reflections from Day 29 (4/8) 4/9 4:30 pm: Reflections from Day 30 (4/9) The Limitations of Leftist Policies A Wealth of Experiences Travelling to Every Country Places I feel like I don't have the guts to go to A National Park Wedding 3 weeks Post Ramadan May 2024 Page 15 Integrating the Life Purpose Course Found a few quote under a youtube video that I liked and wanted to take note of: The Toxic Hedonism of Male Travel Vloggers A Little Mid-Year Check In Upper Middle Class Mastery vs the Ordinary Material Things that Greatly Helped My Inner Work Feeling 17 Living in the 1999 Life in 2024 Zeigeist: Experiencing the Neoliberal Dream in Late Stage Capitalism How the Passage of Time In Adulthood is Fucking Me Up I Feel Stupid for Wanting to Prioritize Platonic Connections My Quarter Life Crisis Questions I Want to Contemplate / Answer with My One Month of Travel The Election Touching Grass Promotion Fame Why Everything is an Ad? Luxury Travel Page 16 You Think You Just Fell Out of a Coconut Tree? You Can Play with Your Friends After School Friendship Breakup Money as Freedom Post Travel Blues; Anti-Capitalist Angst Questions I Want to Contemplate / Answer with My One Month of Travel + Answers So Far Election Grief Loneliness and Social Media Addiction Career Thoughts Ambitions as an Anticapitalist Cozy Animals A Simpler Time Positives and Negatives for 2024 Deconstructing Self Help New Experiences While Travelling Part 1: Qatar and India New Experiences While Travelling Part 2: Vietnam and South Korea Wah! Luigi! Media Consumption Analysis Page 17 Starting A New Journal Table of Contents

Starting A New Journal I've been wanting to start a new journal for several reasons. Firstly, this journal is getting too long and I feel like I need to move for organizational purposes. I want to also have a table of contents section as I did with my previous journal titled "The Joy Journal" prior to closing that journal out. Secondly, I have been journaling in this journal for more than 3 years and I think I have changed a lot as a person to where I want a space where I can start fresh in. And what better time to do that than around New Years. I have been experiencing this degree of healthy cringe towards my older posts, think like back to 2021/2022 since I was in a different place in my life on many levels from cognitively, emotionally, as well as in my life circumstances. Part of me wishes I could scrub my activity on this website clean so I can start anew since a lot of my posts don't reflect who I am right now. But I'm not going to do that. They still represent my authenticity and what I stand for even though I am more private about a lot of things in my life now and present myself differently vs my posts pre 2023. Instead, I think having a new journal as a demarcation will be sufficient ,

Media Consumption Analysis 2024 1. Vaush I feel like I have been watching a lot of Vaush's videos since the genocide in Gaza started. I was already watching his content prior but since then I haven been watching more of his videos and also in occasion, I do tune into his +2 hour long streams if it's about a topic that particularly interest me. I don't agree with everything he says but I do like his over all coverage of the news as well as his analysis since in most cases they are pretty air tight. At the very least I like having him as a jumping off point for me to delve in a topic more. 2, Educational channels on personal finance and global issues I don't have a lot of channel examples for this but I did really enjoy the content from the channels above and I feel like they reflect my current interests. 3. Psychology Channels I feel like I use these channels like 30% for self help reasons and 70% because I'm actually interested in the content and it's more educational/ entertaining. I also wrote in a previous post how I have been moving away from self help and I have in turn been turning to more reputable sources from people who have the education background to be giving such information and counselling to get away from how pop psychology can misappropiate various terms and concepts. 4. Video Essays I have a list of creators I tend to gravitate towards. I can't list them all out but I do feel like a large chunk of my media diet comes from that despite there not being one particular creator that really stands out since a lot of video essay people don't post super frequently. 5. Creators that focus on the overconsumption problem in social media I often find myself having this sort of content on in the background as they can be a bit repetitive. But I find myself gravitating towards them since I'm angsty about late stage capitalism and what I see pushed in the mainstream via social media and this type of content makes me feel validated in my emotions and like I'm not going crazy lol. 6. Tiktok I feel like my tiktok algorithm is like a hodge podge of the categories I have listed above but in short form content. I like having tiktok to be up to date on memes, some mindless entertainment here and there, and to talk to friends about things we have been seeing on the internet. That said, I do try to limit the degree of which I engage with short form content since I notice that if I'm engaging with short form content too much, I can get anxious and scattered brained.

Wah! Luigi! So everyone has been talking about the United Healthcare CEO getting shot down and I realized that I never talked about it in my journal despite it taking up a lot of the space in my mind lately. Listen, I don't think vigilante justice is the answer nor do I condone it.... but I will say.... this felt kind of satifying. It also basically a performance art piece in the way that he was competent, had the "Deny, Defend, Deposte" etched on the bullets, had a whole backpack full of Monopoly money, and how he got caught in a McDonalds, a restaurant that does Monopoly themed happy meals, near the Pennsylvania Railway, a location that is present in the Monopoly game. There is also the 286 theory which I have seen circulating around. I don't completely buy it, but it is entertaining: My favorite part of this is that despite being such a divided country politically over the last 8-9 years, people on both sides of the political spectrum are uniting around this guy. I'm glad that we can finally agree on something and decide on the real villain on this situation. Also there are the people who are making memes and thrist traps on this guy. I always thought it was weird when some people make thirst traps on serial killers and the such but I feel like it's valid in this situation lol. First of all, he is actually kind of cute (hell even my mom was like *he's a good looking young man* lol) and second of all, he only killed one person while the CEO was basically killing around 50,000 people every year systemically by denying health care claims while making the lives of millions miserable on top of that. I'm glad this was also done by a rich white man since this is not going to get racialized or politicized in the same way had this been a person of color, poor person, or someone who is other wise sociatally disadvantaged. It also feels poetic in the way that he is a class traitor in that he is an upper class person who killed another upper class person and the person in the McDonalds who turned him in is also a class traitor as well in that it's a lower class person who is acting against their interest. Again, this feels like a performance arts piece lol. It's funny to see the media scambling to try their best to make this guy look bad through the way that they're framing the story, the way they're drawing him in court, and the walk they made him do with the cops around him. It's just making it clear as day that the media is biased in favor of the ruling class, that the people aren't buying it, and that nothing is sticking to this guy. If anything, he just looks cooler. I also thought this video was pretty insightful regarding the media framing and what that means. Finally, I feel like I spent much of November coming to terms with and mourning the election results. I'm not exactly happy or optimistic about the future. But I will say, Luigi did lift my spirits just a little bit and I feel like I'm going into the new year a little lighter. I don't think vigilante justice is going to lead to lasting change but hey, at least it's an entertaining start to the next season of America after the previous anticlimactic season finale flopped.

New Experiences While Travelling Part 2: Vietnam and South Korea My relatives thought it was interesting that I decided to go to Vietnam and Korea as they are two countries that America had proxy wars with during the Cold War. I just wanted to choose a country in South East Asia and another country in East Asia. When it comes to South East Asia, my first choice was Thailand but due to the weather I decided against it since I would have shown up during rainy season. I chose Vietnam, north Vietnam to be more specific, due to the weather in South East Asia. I also chose the north over the south because the north is more rural and has more natural beauty and that's been something that has been appealing to me more when it comes to travelling. The north is also more traditional and also more diverse and in my eyes, both of those things are a plus when it comes to getting to know a place. For East Asia, I chose South Korea because of my time restraints. I would be able to do a good comprehensive trip in one week in South Korea since it is a smaller country whereas China is waaaay too big and Japan would need like a good 2 weeks. Plus, South Korea is a more cost effective option compared to Japan. I also wanted to go to both South Korea and Vietnam because there is a large immigrant population from both countries in the Dallas metroplex and I grew up hearing stories from the people around me about both of those places. Vietnam My first impression of Hanoi is that it was calmer than India. I know people who travel from 1st world countries are always talking about how Hanoi is crammed, how it's so difficult to cross the street, etc. and for me, it felt like nothing compared to India. I figured out how to cross chaotic streets while pandal hopping in Kolkata and this felt like nothing because there weren't as many people and the streets were smaller. Navigation wasn't bad at all so long as I had Google maps and a good translator. I had my accommodations, travel, and itinerary figured out though a travel agent who booked my experience as a part of a package. I also had time in between the activities to do my own thing as well so that was nice. I did this because this is my first time travelling in a developping country by myself and I didn't know where my skills were at regarding getting around so I thought to do this so that I can get a better idea of where I was at and dip my feet in rather than diving head first in the deep end of the pool. I realized that in most cases I can show up in a country, even a developping country, and do what I need to do so long as I have my accommodations figure out, I have a map, and a translator. For developping countries, however, if I want to do something that is more rural or nature oriented, then it's a good idea to do that through a tour in my opinion. Vietnam, as well as Laos and Cambodia, were previously known as the French Indochina during the colonial days. However, I do believe that this is accurate way of describing the culture at first glance since I felt like Vietnam had elements of French, Indian, and Chinese culture. I'm glad I went to France before I went to Vietnam because I was able to see the French influences in Hanoi especially from the architecture, the seating arrangements outside of restaurants in the streets, and their iconic Banh Mi. The hotel that I stayed in Hanoi had a lot of French influences in the styling of the rooms and even in the cuisine which I was able to clock and appreciate in a different light. The Chinese influences are pretty in your face regarding the architecture, the cuisine, Confucianism in the pagodas, and the old writing form. After all, China did control Vietnam for a good thousand years. But when it comes to the Indian influences, I feel like they are more understated compared to Chinese and French influences to the point where most people overlook it. In South East Asia, there is an understanding that the closer you are to India towards the west, the more influence it will have while the closer you are to China and the farther east you are, the more Chinese influence you will see. Vietnam is the South East Asian country that is closest to China. However, I feel like for the Indian influences, it's very much a *if you know, you know* kind of deal which was fun for me because I felt like I was on the inside joke. For example, in both India and Vietnam, we have this mannerism that if you were to hand someone somehing, you cannot do it with your left hand. In Vietnam, it's preferrable to do it with both hands while in India we don't do this extra step. In the pagodas in Vietnam, or even in the shrines in the hotels, I saw that in the praying area that people would leave food as prasad. That's something that Hindu people also do as well. The altar area also looked similar to what I grew up with. The difference is that in Vietnam, people be putting what ever they want there. Yes, traditionally, it used to be something like fruits or sticky rice but now people leave everything from snack cakes in a package to cans of beer. I found that amusing. In Hinduism, we still stick to fruits and traditional Indian sweets as offerrings but there was one time where I went to a more westernized temple and they gave the gods brownies instead lol. Beer is just not something that you expect lol. Speaking of religion, only 15% of Vietnam's population is Buddhist. Most of the population practices the philosophies of Confucianism and partake in ancestor worship. I thought it was also interesting that for immediate family members they also do celebrations of a person's birthday as well as their death anniversary. That's something that I grew up with as well but it wasn't so much in the context of worshipping deceased relatives rather it was to honor their memory. Nevertheless, the practice is the same. I also went to Hanoi's Museaum of Ethnography which went into the cultural practices in Vietnam and talked about the ethnic miniorities there. My favorite part of the museaum's exhibition was how they had replicas of what different village houses looked like based on their regional location as well as the geography of the area. Some of the houses looked similar to what I find in rural India or at the very least had the same vibe. I also remember walking around and there was this one Vietnamese girl who was there with a foreigner who was saying how her grandparents used to live in a house similar to the ones here and she would visit them growing up. That struck a chord with me because while my grandparents didn't live in rural areas while I was alive, I did also visit like the rural villages they did live in prior to even my parents being born. Finally, I also feel like traditional Vietnamese clothes kind of look similar to some traditional Indian clothes as well. I did do a double take a few times because the only difference between traditional Vietnamese clothes and like, a kurta for example is the in Vietnam, the neckline is different and higher up while the hemline is longer. Apart from Hanoi, I also went to Ninh Binh and Sapa. I did a lot of hiking and biking in the country side in Ninh Binh and I feel like that was one of the most enjoyable part of this trip. It was so beautiful out there and I just felt like a kid again as I was exploring this on my own. Sapa was an interesting place. I do think it's worth visiting to see the rice fields as they are very beautiful but I do think that the predatory nature of the tourism industry is like front and center of this place. I talked about this more in this post, particularly in question 12: Finally, I went on a Halong Bay cruise as a part of my package. It was a very beautiful place but I do believe that 1, cruises aren't really my thing and 2, the cruise was overly touristy to where it felt like I was being coddled as a tourist rather than furthering my understanding of the area. Again, refer to the section quotes above. I also got to go canoeing which was an interesting experience. I don't think canoeing is my thing but I enjoyed trying something new anyway. I think the thing that made me not like the cruise is how I felt like I was back in my wealthy white college bubble again with the same kind of people I encountered there. I was also like one of 2 POCs other than the service people there as well so there is that. South Korea My experience of Seoul was a little chaotic. I had some issues in immigration that made the wait time longer and I ended up being late to my tour. My flight landed at 5:30 and my tour was at 9 so I thought I had plenty of time since it took about an hour and a half to get to my hostel. After some delays, I got to my hostel at like 8:30 and I thought I was making good time until the tour called me and said I was late since they were making their rounds to pick people up. I had to think fast, find the hostel, drop my stuff up, get a cab and get to the first location of the tour. Mind you, I have no idea where I'm at, I don't speak the language, and I never called a cab before so it was a lot at once. But it gave me the confidence to be able to figure shit out in a situation like that. During the tour we went to the palaces in Seoul, a market place, a couple museaums, a ginseng store, and a restaurant for lunch. It was also pouring rain during the entire time. I had my umbrella and I wasn't cold but from the ankle down I was completely soaked by the end of the tour. I nevertheless enjoyed the tour since I learned a lot about Korean history as well as what things were like prior to Japanese colonization. I didn't do anything during that evening since I was exhausted, I needed to be up early the next day, my shoes were soaked and needed to dry, and it was still pouring. The reason why I needed to be up early the next day was because I had another tour booked to go to the DMZ and the tour started at 6 am. I also had to go to the laundromat about 15 min away from the hostel and put my shoes in the dryer for a little bit so they are less soaked. So I had to wake up at 4 am to do all of this. I hated waking up that early and wandering around semi-lost at that hour but the tour and not having wet shoes was worth it lol. The South Korean side of the border was interesting in that they did a good job at not making the place seem scary or depressing despite the history there. We went to Imigink park first which is a park right near the border but not at the demilitarized zone. The place was very solomn and was essentially a Korean War memorial where you can go and learn about the war, the required military service of the country, as well as the desire to reunify with North Korea. It was definitely an educational experience. At the actual demilitarized zone, we went to the observatory there and you can see beyond the border into North Korea. I wasn't able to use the binoculars to get a closer look due to the *North Korea sending bags of poop incident.* That part of the observatory was closed. We also got to go inside a tunnel that North Korea was trying to make to get to the South Korea, particularly Seoul. The story is that one of the tunnels got intercepted by South Korea and then a few months later, a North Korean defector who also turned out to be the engineer to the tunnels revealed the other 2 tunnels that were under construction. South Korea kept one of the tunnels as a place for dipshits like me to take a look inside and learn more about the conflict. Part of it is blocked off but it's crazy that less than 200 m from the blocked off part of the tunnel is just a totally different way of life. I also came to South Korea during peak ginseng season, which is in October as it is when ginseng gets harvested. And apparently, there is a lot of ginseng farms around the border area. So it was kind of funny to see that ther was a little fair and ginseng festival happening at the border of such a politically charged place. I also got myself some ginseng snacks to give my boyfriend. He wanted me to bring something back from my travels as a snack and I was trying hard to find something that I couldn't easily get in my local H Mart lol. Later that day I had the intention to go to a dog cafe but I didn't feel like it so I went to Namsen Park and went on a little hike as well as walked around the more historic neighborhoods in Seoul. That night I also went to Seoul tower to see the the city as well as Myeongdong Market. I enjoyed doing some of the more touristy things in Seoul lol. I also went to a Mexican restaurant in Gangnam which was a hit and miss. I can probably do a whole nother post on that lol. I gotta say, on another note, since I did walk around Seoul quite a bit, it was pretty surreal to me when the protests around the martial law as well as the impeachment of the president happened earlier this month because I was watching the footage and just thinking on how everything looked familiar. After Seoul, I went to Gyeongju, a smaller town outside of Busan known for their historical sites from the 3 Kingdoms period and cafe hopping. I stayed at this really cute Hanok style hotel owned by this really sweet older couple. The room was very cozy and simple. I highly recommend having this sort of experience. I unfortunatly wasn't able to do my tour in Gyeongju due to rain as well as my health. I got sick after my first day in Seoul when I got soaked. Nevertheless, I still did all of things I wanted to do and I still went cafe hopping during my birthday. That was a lot of fun. Both Gyeongju and Busan felt more low key and residential compared to Seoul and I liked seeing a different side to South Korea. Then, after spending a few days in Gyeongju, I went to Sokcho, a coastal town in the north east known for its beaches and Seorksan national park. I went hiking in Seoarksan and saw a lot of the Buddist temples nestled in the mountains. I feel like that was another highlight of this trip. I feel like outside of Seoul from the cafe hopping in Gyeongju to enjoying all of the good food in Busan to hiking in Sokcho, the trip was really low key, relaxing, and chill. I feel like I had a lot of room to think and be with myself with was really nice. I feel like you can do a lot in Seoul because Seoul is kind of an all you can eat buffet. You can also go cafe hopping, go to really good restaurants, and go hiking in Seoul if you're short on time. But I'm glad that I took the time and went to these other towns because while Seoul is an all you can eat buffet, these other towns are more like specialized restaurants ya know? And if you have like a week or so, it's worth going to the other towns and get emersed in these activities. Not to mention that getting on the high speed rail was a lot of fun. As usual, my little Texan heart is always excited when I go to a city and I get to experience public transport. But this was my first time in a bullet train and I thought that was really exciting. I hope we get one of those in Texas lol.

New Experiences While Travelling Part 1: Qatar and India I don't know why but I took forever to make this post about my October travel takeaways apart from the more personal stuff I wrote about in the post above but here it is. Qatar: Doha was weird. It looked like a city but it didn't FEEL like a city. The tall buildings, public transport, and the infrastructure was there but the people weren't. Also, it was almost deathly quiet. I woke up early in the morning to get a head start on the things I wanted to see and I went to Katara Village, an area in Doha known for their traditional architecture, arts scene, and the Katara Blue Mosque. I got there and I figured it was empty because I was just early. A couple hours passed and I noticed that I was literally the only one there with the exception of the people who work there. I asked them where the people were at and they said that the people don't really come out in the city until after 5pm because it's so hot outside. I also did a quick Google search and turns out Doha is over developed because a lot of the construction was done to anticipate the 2022 Fifa World Cup and accommodate the large amount of tourists. It's also over developed because they preemptively built a lot of stuff since they are anticipating more immigrants coming in. So, while there are a lot of buildings, it doesn't feel like a city because the scale of the buildings don't match the scale of the current population. It got better later at night. I at least saw people walking around and living their lives. But again, it still felt relatively empty. I also went to the Qatar National Museaum and the Islamic Museam of Art. I feel like I got to learn about the country from the wildlife that is indegenous there, nomadic life in Qatar prior to colonization, to the current day oil powerhouse it is. I learned about how prior to the oil and natural gas their main industry was fishing and selling pearls. It's just crazy on how the country transformed from a relatively poor fishing village to one of the wealthiest countries in the world because of the discovery of oil. The Islamic Museaum of Art was one of my favorite experiences. Just generally speaking, I do like art from the Islamic world whether it is from the Ottomans, the Persians, or the Mughals. It was nice to see all of that side by side along with contributions from various African countries, Spain, as well as Indonesia. It was also interesting to see how Islam manifested differently in each culture and how what you see depicted in this museum is so different from the depictions of Islam in western media and through the lens of fundamentalists. I mean.. I already knew that going in but I feel like I have a deeper experience of that knowledge. I feel like a lot of people think of Islam as this relgion that is void of personal expression from the all black fits that a lot of women wear to how fundamentalists think that music is haram. And that is obviously so far from the truth and this museum gives a million and one ways of how that is not the case and how the separation of art and Islam is a recent one. Speaking of Islam, it was nice knowing that I am not Islamophobic lol. I grew up in a Islamophobic household and even when I would go to Dubai to visit family, my mom would always be on guard or be like *omg she's covered head to toe.* And while I did try my best to not take on those views, I guess when you're little and you sense that your parents are always on edge in a certain situation, a little bit of that transfers off to you as well due to the natural tendency for children to model the adults they spend a lot of time around. And it was nice knowing that I didn't have a single bone in my body that reacted the way the my mom would react when I was in Qatar. Don't get me wrong, there are some things that I'm just not used to like hearing the prayers go off in the middle of the day or seeing a group of like 20 women and men dressed exactly the same pull up, but it wasn't anything that caused any internalized biases to resurface. I count that as a win lol. I also went dune surfing in Qatar as well. I booked a tour where we got to drive around in the desert, ride a camel, hold a falcon (that thing didn't like me lmao), and slide down dunes in snowboards. I highly recommend this to anyone. I went to the Texas State Fair like a day before my big trip and road on a few rollercoasters there and I feel like that mentally prepared me to drive throught the sand dunes. The way that your body would be jerked around in the jeep was similar to the way that your body feels in a roller coaster.. but for like 2 hours straight. I also got to watch the sun set along the Saudi border and I saw a few oil refinery towns on my way back to Doha. India: Bengaluru: I mainly spent time with family here. I spent time with my cousin, his wife, his 3 year old son, as well as my aunt and uncle. I went to Laal Bhag which was basically a botanical garden in Bengaluru. It was absolutely beautiful. I got to try some more South Indian food and my cousin, his family, and I also went to another town called Chikkamagaluru. There we took a trip to a national park, did some light hiking, and saw a few waterfalls. I also got to see a couple of monkeys which was one of my highlights as they are my boyfriend's favorite animal. I had to take a couple pictures quickly to avoid being robbed by the monkeys lol. And last but not least, I went to the Hoysaleswara Temple which is a Hindu temple that dates back to the 12th century. It was interesting to see my cousin and his dynamic with his wife as well as how he shows up as a father. Starting with his marriage, these two have been married for like 10 years now. Even when he first got married, I always thought that they were a weird couple. My interactions with my cousin and his wife are like a night and day difference. My cousin is weird, combative, closed minded with Hindu Nationalist brainrot while his wife is.... a normal person you can have a conversation with. Like my cousin is just this pile of red flags. His wife's only red flag is that she married this guy. If you didn't know these two, you would assume that they're an arranged marriage couple. But no... they married out of love. So like, they have to have SOMETHING in common with each other!?!?! I thought maybe I could figure out what that something is after spending more time with them but now I have more questions than answers. The only thing I can think of is that maybe they panic married each other as they were approaching their late 20s and his wife, since she has a travelling job, got to see the world, open her mind, and grow and now they have nothing in common even though in the past they had more common ground. Look... I have no clue lol. They're so weird together. As for what he's like as a father, I think he is more hands on than his father, my uncle for example. My aunt and uncle have a dynamic of very rigid gender roles in terms of who takes care of the house and the kids and who brings in the money. My cousin on the other hand at least "helps" out with the child care. But it still feels very unequal since his wife also works the same amount and has a dispproportionate amount of housework and childcare put on her. Like one time I just point blank asked them what each person's responsibilities were regarding taking care of the kid. His wife listed out how she helps the kid wake up and get ready, shower, helps the kid with school, feeds the kid, does most of the diaper changes etc. while my cousin was just like *my only responsibility is to play with the kid and spend time with him.* One time, during the trip, we stopped at a restaurant and he was like *look soos_mite_ah, I'm feeding him* and I just replied with *you're his father, you're supposed to do that, do you want a reward or something?* My cousin also had a handful of strange conversations with me. The first day I was there he interrogated me about my love life. And as usual, my strategy was to deny, deny, deny and keep a straight face like: I have been in a relationship for 2.5 years at this point. But I'm not telling my extended family shit unless I have an engagement ring on my finger because they don't know how to act. Especially this particular cousin. He's like 13 years older than me and honestly, growing up he was more like my weird uncle than my cousin. But the good part is that since he is my cousin and not my uncle, I could bully him back lmao.He also went on this whole thing about how I NEED to have kids and hurry up and settle down. I think I asked him about the challenges he encountered in the last couple years since having his kid and he was like "THERE ARE NO CHALLENGES. HE IS NOT A BURDEN AT ALL. I LOVE EVERY MOMENT OF THIS. I'M SURE YOUR PARENTS ALSO LOVED EVERY MOMENT OF PARENTHOOD EVEN WHEN CHANGING YOUR DIAPERS." I was just sitting there like...... "ok..... uhhh I never said anything about your kid being a burden but even if you love being a parent, it can still be hard sometimes." That just made him double down more. Like I feel like this interaction could have been a comedic masterpiece if you just threw in an eye twitch in my cousin's delivery. I don't know if he's in denial of what he is feeling, if he had a romanticized view of parenting because he wasn't getting the brunt of the labor, or if he really wanted me to have a kid so his kid has someone to play with. His wife was significantly more real about her experiences. She talked about the hell she went through with preganacy and postpartum, especially as this was during the height of the pandemic, as well as how having a kid impacted her life socially and career wise. It was reassuring in some ways in that despite how difficult motherhood can be, after the initial adjustment period, you do get into the flow of things. It helped me reframe my reasoning for wanting a child from asking *should I have a child* or *could I handle having a child* to *do I want to have a child.* Because after talking to her and being around the kid, I do think that I have good reasons for wanting to be a mother and I do have the capability of being a good mother. But at this point, while there is a part of me that wants to have a kid, I don't think I wanted badly enough to have that choice consume my whole life and badly to the point of actually justifying having a kid. I think I'm just happy being a an aunty or a friend to the parents to help them through the difficult parts of having a kid. I think I'm better off being a part time mom rather than a full time mom lol. Just because I choose to be childfree for my own life doesn't mean I don't want children in my life at all. Also, back on the topic of my cousin being a weirdo, in addition to him interrogating me about my love life and telling me to get on with the process of having a kid, he also picked a fight with me about what is happening in Palestine. He basically spoke in favor of the genocide and said that everyone deserved to die. Which is not surprising at all given that Zionism and Hindu Nationalism are both two fonts of religious nationalism and he is in deep with the brain rot. I tried my best to diffuse the situation. In the end of the day, he turned out to be much more annoying compared to his 3 year old son and he's in his late 30s. Because the 3 year old is just going to be 3 year old and run around and have the occasional temper tantrum. The 3 year old isn't going to get in my personal business and start fights about politics for no reason. Kolkata: The silver lining of my cousin's craziness is that I got to bond with my other cousin about how weird he is. This other cousin is like 6 years younger than me so she's like 18/19 years old. I wasn't able to bond with her before because of the age difference and it was really nice to get to know her more. We got to talking more about Indian poltics and human rights issues and how the brainrot manifests in each of my family members, particularly on how they were educated in Indian history depending on the time they went to school. That was really eye opening and I really appreciated her insight. I also went pandal hopping with her and her friends from college. During Durga Pujo, the big religious event in Bengal since we don't really celebrate Diwali like that, a lot of young people (like teens and young adults) go around the city to see the different pandals. A pandal is a temporary structure that is usually built to honor a Hindu god or goddess. Pandals are often large, tent-like structures that are made of wood and cloth over a bamboo framework. They are often built to recreate popular buildings, such as temples. The pandals are often displayed as an art instalation and many times are used to do social commentary. It's big event that brings out the talents of local artisans and it's something people prepare for months in advance. Basically, my cousin, her friends, and I ran around Kolkata visiting various pandals and exploring the city. I enjoyed seeing the dynamic she had with her friends as they tried to navigate the chaos. I was surrounded by a bunch of directionally challenged 18 year olds and I myself was a dumb American so it evens out lol. My younger cousin and her friends are basically the gay emo theatre kids. I love how that archetype is still a thing half way across the world. I got to learn about queerness and overall get a vibe check of what things were like in this specific part of India when it comes to queer rights. I know that since I am a child of immigrants, it's a common phenomenon that you're taught the version of the culture that your parents grew up with and it's not always representative of the current day. So for me, I think a lot of what I know is filtered through my parents' generation of what things were like in the 80s, and 90s when it comes to gender roles and sexuality in our communities. From what I've heard from my cousin, West Bengal is generally more chill and progressive compared to a lot of parts of India. At this point, when it comes to queer rights though, it's like a 60/40 chance of somone of our generation being accepting towards gay people wheras with our parents it's more like 20/80 leaning towards not accepting gay people. So yes, you do have to be careful of who you come out of the closet to but it isn't so hostile to where you will be completely isolated by your peers. And a lot of this has to do with gay sex getting decriminalized back in 2018. The highlight of pandal hopping, and really this entire trip was this time my cousin, her friends and I went pandal hopping and we went to a nearby fair. We managed to fit like 8 people in an auto-rickshaw. I was sitting in the back next to my cousin and her friend. Both my cousin and her friend had two people sitting on top of them in their laps. The front row had the driver, one guy to the right of him and 2 to the left. One of the guys was like dangling out from the side. As we were going from one place to the other, the city lights were surrounding us. It was like a tiny club on wheels. Then, one of them had the idea of blasting their playlist amidst the chaos so all of this was happening with Fein on full volume. I can confidentally say that out of all of the experiences I had on this trip, this was the core memory that changed my brain chemistry. Anyways, this will have to be a two parter since it took me like and hour and 45 minutes to write all of this out. No wonder I've been putting this off.