soos_mite_ah

I'm trying to write a book about someone time travels into the future and I want to use models like Spiral Dynamics and The Four Turnings Theory to help me build this futuristic world. I'm not at a place where I have the plot or characters mapped out but I want to focus on the world building aspect first. The reason why I want to write this book is because I want to envision a better future. A lot of stories in the time travel genre, even if it’s something set in the future, is a reflection of how people feel in the present. The Jetsons came out in 1962. The first time humanity got to space was 1961. The first time we were able to fly was 1903. In the span of less than 60 years, we were able to go from ground only transportations to being able to go to space. No wonder people thought in 1962 that in 2062 people will be living like the Jetsons up in space with all types of robots. Back to the Future was envisioning the year 2015 from the lens of 1985 and the optimism of the future back then. Now that we’re in the Crisis era, a lot of our media that depicts the future has to do with dystopias (think the Hunger Games, Cyber Punk 2077 etc.). But I think at this point in time, with cultural nihilism being at it’s peak, rather than envisioning dystopias to critique the present, I think it’s important that we envision building something better. That’s why the Solar Punk aesthetic is popular. But I think rather than a couple of Pinterest mood boards, I want to create a more cohesive narrative of how society and people develop and ultimately, have it be something hopeful and something to aspire to. While I did enjoy the Jetsons and Back to the Future, I think the thing that messed with me even when I was a kid is how much it focused on the fantastical, technological aspect of the future rather than the social one. Unlike what Back to the Future thought in 1985, we didn’t get flying cars in 2015. But something that would send someone from 1985 into a coma if they saw us today is how much more accepting we are of gay and trans people and how much more common things like interracial marriage is. That’s the real controversial, juicy stuff, not the flying cars and hover boards. Sure, I want to make changes in the material world through my world building. But I want to emphasize the changes of policy and social attitudes even more. I don’t want my depiction of the future to be something that seems other worldly. I want it to seem like something that can be tangible. Bascially, this journal is going to be where I track my research as I'm doing my world building.

Much of my experience in writing has been in the form of journal entries on this forum (and privately), the essays I have had to write in school, and succinct writing in corporate/ business settings. I don't think any of that is bad or hurts me. I think the journal entries are a good way for me to reflect and generally speaking have practice in writing so that the skill doesn't erode after school. My educational background has been helpful in me imagining various systems and social structures in my world building and it has been helpful in analyzing other pieces of media as well. My writing in my job forces me to be direct and succinct which enhances how coherent and easy to understand a narrative is. At the same time, those are not the same skill sets that are essential for writing fiction. I have little to no experience in writing fiction (unless you count creating character designs for your friend's Wattpad Hunger Games fanfiction in the 8th grade as experience). I feel like if I was an artist, rather than being a painter, I would be the architect that is gifted in drawing detailed blueprints of a beautiful building. That has it's own merits but it doesn't have the same result as a painter who can capture the look and the feel of an image as opposed to getting bogged down with the technical details. And I'm not going to lie, it's intimidating. I don't know how I'm going to write these characters or their archs. I'm really bad at writing flowery prose without sounding like a fake deep Tumblr emo kid. I'm not good at painting an image in people's minds when it comes to describing a setting, a mood, a situation etc. Dialog also feels incredibly intimidating because I don't want it to sound like a bad Netflix original. I'm really good at identifying bad fictional content because I have witnessed them and I have, in some cases, produced them when I was in the 8th grade or into my high school years in the form of cringey journal entries where I was trying to be something I was not by writing in a voice that didn't sound natural to me. Of course I'm going to research and look into developing these skills. But I was wondering if anyone in this forum had any helpful advice or input.

How many of y'all have people in real life who is familiar with Leo's content or have visited this forum? I'm just curious.

While the solar punk aesthetic has been good in terms of helping me get inspiration of how the future feels like, I don't want to replicate the world building exactly. I think I want to lean more on the sentiment of sewer socialism where its more focused on local government reform, public health, and upgrading city infrastructure like sanitation and parks rather than waiting for a national revolution or aesthetically green washing everything.

None of the people in my life know about Actualized.org. I think the biggest reasons why I don't send videos is because they are pretty lengthy and most people in my real life aren't super into videos that are an hour plus long . The people in my real life have read the writing I have posted on this forum but haven't gone into the forum itself. I'm kind of worried about what they might think of the forum given some of the more misogynistic / incel adjacent stuff on here. I do interject various concepts I have learned here into conversations and I feel like that has been a more seamless way to talk about these topics to where people are more receptive.

On the contrary, I found a youtube channel that I have quite liked:

@LordFall Thanks for the resources. Having a starting point always helps It's about someone who time travels to 2076 and experiences a bunch of culture shock during their time there. I have a whole journal I'm dedicating my world building to: Yeah, I'm not planning on publishing this. I'm just doing it for the fun of it tbh.

Yeah... this is the opposite of what I'm going for lol

Inspiration I know I wrote a little bit about this in the first post in this journal but I wanted to expand on that a little for reflection purposes. Here are the things that are inspiring me in no particular order. 1. Coping I feel like one of the ways that I cope with all of the chaos happening around me, even when I'm in a position where I'm doing everything I can to take care of myself and the people around me but I still find myself succumbing to existential dread, is that I imagine myself in my 70s or 80s. I imagine myself as an old woman and being surrounded by kids or young adults who ask me *what was the 2020s like?* And then I start off with *well, it all started in 2016 with an ape named Harambe in the Cincinati Zoo.* Then I go into all the wild shit that I encountered after that. Because when I'm in my 70s or 80s, I'm sure I'll be able to look back at this chaotic decade as my lore or, at the very least, some degree of humor. Because the way that the world is going on now, yes it's scary but it's not going to be like this forever. So you might as well take everything in and have something interesting to say. I also think that as I have been doing the research for this that this project has been a source of hope for me. I think over all I'm trying to envision a better world and send a more positive message of what we can build, not only so that we have a path out of this when it all falls apart, but also so that we have something driving us through the chaos as well. 2. An Interest in the Time Travel Genre / Depiction of the future. This was one of my favorite media tropes growing up (and even now). As a kid I loved the show Time Warp Trio and I distinctly remember my dad introducing me to Back to the Future when I was 11 years old. I loved the movie Meet the Robinsons and the various episodes across different TV shows that featured the same thing. As I moved into my teens, I loved the show Cold Case that featured a group of detectives in the present day trying to solve murders from decades ago and they have to interview people from that time period and the show flashed back to what life was like back when the crime was comitted. I also loved media that depicted the future such as the Jetsons, or dystopian novels like the Hunger Games, Divergent, Uglies etc. But I did notice a problem with this genre of media. They tended to over estimate the technological advancments while underestimating the social advancements. Or, they would try to bypass this problem by setting something so far into the future to where it's like *sure we might have flying cars 200 years from now. * The first time I was aware of this issue was when I watched Back to the Future again on October 21 2015, a day before my 16th birthday. Back to the Future Part II was released in 1989 and the main character goes into the future to October 21 2015 and they have crazy shit like hover boards, flying cars, and other crazy technologies. And I remember looking around at October 21 2025 and being like... yeah I don't think we're going to achieve that anytime soon lol. Then, later I noticed that a lot of the depictions of the future we have in the media at any given time typically has to do with how we feel about the present. I think that can be seen especially with the rise of dystopian content over the last 15 years that depicts the future as bleak as a way to warn us about our present day social ills and provide valid commentary on it. I think it can also be seen if you contrast today's dystopian content to the way that the future was depicted in the 60s, the 80s, or hell the 2000s. And sure, the optimism from that time seems a little silly now since we don't have flying cars in 2026. But I think we can still benefit from a degree of optimism in seeing a future that is worth fighting for while still being grounded by what's going on right now. I don't think it has to be one or the other. And if anything, I think that can address a lot of the problems with this genre and the way that it imagines the future. 3. An Interest in Cyclical Social Development. I feel like I'm a social scientist at heart given my educational background, the type of content I gravitate towards, and the way that I analyze media and the world around me. I feel like theories like the Four Turnings and Sprial Dynamics can help with giving insight of what we're growing towards and what obstacles we may encounter along the way. I like the way that it depicts things like backlashes, collective progress, regression, dismantling systems etc. And I think it can address the common pitfalls in imagining the future as a result. One of the reasons why people over estimate technological progress and underestimate social progress is because we project our current paradigms and our current biases of how we feel about the present on to the future. The way that bias shows up is by thinking in linear terms when thinking of history, rather than cyclical ones. We think that the future is going to be dystopian because we are engrossed in the era of Crisis and we think it's always going to be like this, so we imagine a future of the crisis as something that linearly or exponentially gets worse instead of a future where the crisis eventually dies down and new systems are created to replace the old paradigms. We thought the future of the 2020s was going to be a technological paradise according to the optimism of the 60s, 80s, and 2000s because we thought technological progress and the increase of quality of life was going to be linear. And I think imagining progress in the context of cycles is a more nuanced way of making predictions or imagining a future that doesn't seem alien or outlandish both in a positive or a negative way. 4. My Own Journey of Development as a Person and as a Writer I have many goals in my 20s. One of which is writing a book. I came up with that goal given how much I journal and I figured that I would probably have enough material to write a pretty good book. At first I thought that it might be self-help related. But now that I'm no longer neck deep in self help content like I was from age 18 to 22, I don't think that's the case. After reading through many of my journal entries, I thought that I had a very good way of capturing the current moment and that I'm skilled at thinking in systems, and analyzing social dynamics. At first, I thought of writing something fictional based on my personal experiences and the experiences of others regarding the present day / the 2020s. Then I was like *what if I combine my knowledge of these cyclical ways of thinking and my interest in the time travel genre to make something set in the future.* I also thought of the general messages that I want to send as the over arching theme of what I'm trying to say and things just started to click. I also looked at a journal entry from years ago that I thought was interesting: And I think writing this book is a part of that. I also think that you can pack in way more life lessons and things that stick to people emotionally that would want people to better their lives through things like fiction as opposed to nonfiction or self help. I think fiction forces you to empathize, imagine, and emotionally connect to integrate messages more than nonfiction and self help. I also think this will be more of a challenge for me because much of my experience in writing has been in the form of journal entries, the essays I have had to write in school, and succinct writing in corporate/ business settings. I don't think any of that is bad or hurts me. I think the journal entries are a good way for me to reflect and generally speaking have practice in writing so that the skill doesn't erode after school. My educational background has been helpful in me imagining various systems and social structures in my world building and it has been helpful in analyzing other pieces of media as well. My writing in my job forces me to be direct and succinct which enhances how coherent and easy to understand a narrative is. At the same time, those are not the same skill sets that are essential for writing fiction. I have little to no experience in writing fiction (unless you count creating character designs for your friend's Wattpad Hunger Games fanfiction in the 8th grade as experience). I feel like if I was an artist, rather than being a painter, I would be the architect that is gifted in drawing detailed blueprints of a beautiful building. That has it's own merits but it doesn't have the same result as a painter who can capture the look and the feel of an image as opposed to getting bogged down with the technical details. I think writing this book, as opposed to something nonfiction or self help related, would challenge me more as a writer and expand my skills. And I'm not going to lie, it's intimidating. I don't know how I'm going to write these characters or their archs. I'm really bad at writing flowery prose without sounding like a fake deep Tumblr emo kid. I'm not good at painting an image in people's minds when it comes to describing a setting, a mood, a situation etc. Dialog also feels incredibly intimidating because I don't want it to sound like a bad Netflix original. I'm really good at identifying bad fictional content because I have witnessed them and I have, in some cases, produced them when I was in the 8th grade or into my high school years in the form of cringey journal entries where I was trying to be something I was not by writing in a voice that didn't sound natural to me. But yeah.. this project intimidates me and excites me. It's going to stretch my intellectual and imaginative capabilities. But I also get to delve into a lot of the things that I'm already interested in and have that be fuel to create something greater. I don't know how this is going to turn out and I don't think that if I write this book that I would publish it, but it is a interesting challenge that I want to present to myself.

I feel like before 2020, people cared about climate change more and felt the impending doom of the climate crisis. I remember people talking about the various doomsday clocks when I was in high school. I think the most famous one is in New York City and it's counting the days until we get the the point of no return when the temperature rises by 1.5 degrees celcius. I think after the pandemic, the climate crisis fell more so in the background of various other crisis that have gotten worse since then such as the cost of living crisis, housing crisis, the pandemic, the threats to our democracy, ICE running around in these streets, etc. There is so many things going wrong to where the climate feels like an after thought. Which is scary because none of these other crisis matters if we don't have a fucking planet lol. But it doesn't come ot the forefront of most people's minds because it's not as tangible and something you encounter on a day to day basis (as of right now), unlike things like rising gas prices, rising rent etc. On top of that, we're also amidst a very messy ego backlash. I have written about this in my main journal. In this post, I do go into some stuff on how a lot of stage green "crunchy" people went down in the alt right pipeline. A lot of it has to do with the similarities of stage blue and stage green along with how some stage green people don't have a proper integration of orange so it's easy for them to fall for really dumb pseudoscience such as sketchy home remedies and anti-vax talking points. But I think the same can be applied to climate change where a lot of people, because there has been an even more erosion of the overall quality of life, are caring about climate change less. The lack of healthy orange stability is causing people to back track. I think another element of this is that a lot of people who were surface level stage green who went vegan for health reasons, climate change reasons, and animal rights reasons, because they didn't have a proper integration of stage orange and their veganism was often a mask for other issues like eating disorders, now, they are taking the pendulum back to things like the carnivore diet. Like yes, things like veganism and more of a plant based diet are huge in terms of helping the climate. But we have stopped talking about that because of a change in cultural and material forces. And I think some of that is valid. There was a lot of emphasis of people's individual choices back in the 2010s in terms of what you're doing regarding climate change. This can range from recycling, going vegan, using paper straws, using less plastic bags etc. But the limitation of this is that there is only so much our individual choices can do when you have these big ass corporations dumping waste in our rivers, building data centers, and cutting down our forests. I think the good part of the 2020s is that a lot of people see that climate change is more systemic and a product of capitalism and we aren't turning on each other or overly moralizing personal decisions. But the downside of that is that because of the systemic nature of this, a lot of people got a sense of learned helplessness to where they think *what's the point in trying to recycle if we're all going to die* because it's such a big problem. I also think that the systemic aspect of it also breeds a sense of disconnection from this problem because it feels so abstract, especially since you have 5 other crisis and problems knocking at your doorstep. But unfortunately, I don't think it's going to be abstract for long. Going back to the doomsday clock in New York City, we got about 4 years until we reach the point of no return and we are about a few months away from the super El Nino mentioned in the video above. Things are about to get a whole lot worse before they get better.

A Crumbling Empire I watched this video recently and I really liked this. The video starts with talking about the disaster that is the Iran war, how Britain had a similar (granted less embarrassing) fumble in the Suez canal in the 1950s, and the disaster that was the 250th Independence day. It talks about these events in a narrative of how this is a crumbling empire as the U.S. causes chaos in the global stage, loses leverage and respect, and it can't even throw a proper birthday party without the reflecting pool turning green and having all the performers cancel. Then, the video shifts into talking about how while the empire is crumbling, that's not all bad because the empire isn't necessarily the people. This is my favorite part of the video: Then, the creator goes into his experience watching all of this go down as a Canadian. He touches on how the Revolutionary War gave birth to the U.S, but also Canada and how that really affected average people there. He differentiates between the land, the borders, who rules over a place, from the people themselves, the history they create, and the way they championed their rights. Another section I liked in this video is the part where the creator talks about the Antonio Gramsci quote "The crisis consists precisely in the fact that the old is dying and the new cannot be born; in this interregnum a great variety of morbid symptoms appear." I think this is a good call to action and the overall message that I want to send.

What If Things Never Got Better? What if things never got better? What if the cost of a median house or the cost of oil/gas never got better? But, instead of us succumbing to this, we build systems around this material reality and those systems actually end up better for us in the long run. The suburban house, the nuclear family living under one roof, the typical middle class lifestyle that we imagine, is not something that has already been around. It’s something that has come up in the last 80 years post WW2. That’s not the only way to live. The main reason why highways were built to and from cities was so that in the event of a nuclear war, we can move supplies around efficiently. After WW2, we didn’t “go back to normal” and get rid of the highways. Instead, we used that as existing infrastructure to make the suburbs which were created as a mid point between rural and urban living but also because of racism and redlining. That’s how things work in the High. New instructions and ways of life are built from the by product of the Crisis. They aren’t perfect and the rationale gets called into action in the Awakening (think Civil Rights movement in this situation). I watched a few financial channels and I’m seeing that the previous financial benefits of owning a suburban house is dwindling these days because of how expensive houses are and because of property tax. A few decades ago, buying a house was a good idea because it locked in your mortgage payment and it was cheaper in the long run as opposed to renting. It was also much easier to buy a house back then where you could save up for a few years and get a down payment. Now, if we’re going off of cost alone and we ignore the American Dream propaganda we have been fed, it makes more sense in major cities now to rent an apartment and take the difference you would have spent on a mortgage and other hidden costs associated with home ownership and put it in the stock market, it will yield higher returns. I also think of Amsterdam and how in the 60s and 70s, people were much more likely to buy cars. Then, because of the 1970s oil crisis, gas became incredibly expensive. And it never went down to where using a car was sustainable again. Instead, the city moved around that and people built more bike and pedestrian friendly infrastructure. Now, fast forward a few decades, I don’t think people are seeing the oil crisis of the 70s as a major hit to people’s quality of life. If anything, I think the new system that was built as a result of the crisis is yielding better results. We can look to today as an example as well. While we never went fully “back to normal” since COVID, some really good things came out of it. People get to work from home now meaning they have more flexibility with where they live, their work life balance, and taking care of kids. While there isn’t a mass physical infrastructure change, to take away one’s commute and give them extra hours of their day back is a huge change to someone’s life infrastructure. And what I’m thinking as far as world building goes is what if housing prices and gas prices never went down and that was actually a good thing. What if this incentivizes people to be in apartments more, thus creating more of a demand for nicer walkable areas. What if instead of all the property taxes from the city core going out to subsidize the suburbs, we reinvest that money towards schools, hospitals, and other major building projects in the city. There is a reason why a lot of major building constructions dwindled after WW2. I mean a lot of the fancy, traditional looking architecture that give a city life was built around the post war period or before that. That is before suburbs became a big thing. It’s because all the money was going out to maintain the suburbs. What if gas prices never went down, people have to use public transport and biking more, and that increases the demand for public transport, better infrastructure, and more denser neighborhoods. What if this is the push we need to invest in green energy and phase out oil and gas. Yes, the American Dream and traditional institutions established 80 years ago are crumbling. And it’s scary because as of now, we just see the negatives and the hit to our quality of life. But what if this is our chance to create a better dream instead of going back to the old and trying to patch up a dying paradigm? But that requires creativity and being able to think outside the box of how the ideal life is a heterosexual marriage with 2.5 kids in a suburban home with two or more cars. Yes, we want to solve the problems of today when envisioning the future. But, we don’t want to do it in a way where we “go back to normal.” We want to create better overall systems that adapt to a changing world, not just fight it to preserve old paradigms. And something that I find so beautiful and also so tragic about the 2020s is that we have the solutions to a lot of these problems. We can solve the climate crisis with our current green energy technology. We can put more money towards schools and our healthcare system because we have the money. We know what policies need to be implemented to create a better quality of life for people. The problem isn’t finding solutions. The problem is implementing said solutions across the backdrop of corporate interests and cultural talking points that are used to cause people to vote against their best interests. That’s why I don’t think that 2076 is going to be this hyper futuristic place. I don’t think more technology alone is going to solve our problems because if that was the case, we wouldn’t be in this situation. If anything, more technology without the proper regulations and protections does more harm than good. Look at the way that companies like DoorDash, Airbnb, and Uber are harming the economy, harming the consumers, and harming the workers. Yes the conveniences are nice, but they aren’t a net positive without the proper guard rails.

Reading List This is going to be pieces of media that I want to consume. It's not a literal reading list that features books but it's also going to feature movies, shows and more. Imagining a Solar Punk World: Disney's Strange World A Psalm for the Wild-Built and A Prayer for the Crown-Shy by Becky Chambers Studio Ghibli's Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind, Castle in the Sky, and Princess Mononoke Woman on the Edge of Time by Marge Piercy Always Coming Home by Ursula K. Le Guin Walkaway by Cory Doctorow Glass and Gardens: Solarpunk Summers by Sarena Ulibarri The Ministry of the Future by Kim Stanley Robinson More Technical Material The Fourth Turning and The Fourth Turning is Here by Neil Howe and William Strauss I don't know any sources for this but things on decomodifying housing The videos on Alan Fisher's Youtube Channel about urban planning and public transit Continue watching videos from Real Life Lore Rewatch Leo's videos on Conscious Politics Various Books from my degree (I'm not in my apartment right now so I cannot list them off the top of my head). Philosophy Salvation by bell hooks All About Love by bell hooks The Myth of Sisyphus and Other Essays by Albert Camus The Rebel: An Essay on Man in Revolt by Albert Camus The End of Eternity by Isaac Asimov Walden and Civil Disobedience by Henry David Thoreau Vulcan's Hammer by Philip K. Dick Topics to Research (no specific sources, just explore these things) Parallels between the previous crisis era and now comparing the counter culture movement to the transcendentalist movements green energy what different countries are doing and potential solutions to current problems

ummmmm.....

Just created yet another journal since my other journal was getting too long. I've also been wanting a new start and a new space since my last journal was started way back in 2021 when my life was very different from where I'm at right now. Here are my two previous journals for a quick reference/ recap: Psychoanalyzing Myself: 9/1/2021- 12/25/2024 The Joy Journal: 7/19/2020 - 9/7/2021

Parenting and Being the Weird Kid I watched the video below and I found myself thinking about how I was the weird kid growing up, how that shaped me, and what is and isn't considered a bad way of being weird. I saw the first tiktok that Brittany talks about prior to her covering it so I came up with my own conclusions. I watched the video out of curiosity on how her take may compare to mine and I think this is one of those instances where we have arrived in the same conclusion. Brittany talks about the difference between being Ethical and Unethical weirdos. And I remember making this distinction as a kid as well but with different terminology. I differentiated the weird kids as the cool weird kids vs the WEIRD weird kids. So the Ethical Weirdos (or in my case the cool weird kids) are the kids that might be neurodivergent, have unconventional tastes and interests, or might be gay or perhaps part of a culture or demographic that isn't as common in that particular setting. But generally speaking, even if these kids are a little odd, they typically have basic socialization skills to find like minded weirdos and not be in the second category of the Unethical Weirdos. The Unethical Weirdos (or in my 13 year old's terminology, the WEIRD weird kid) are the kids that are deemed weird because they legit have social problems. These are the neckbeards, the incels, the school shooter types, the people who instigate problems with everyone, the people who don't understand boundaries and sexually assaults other kids etc. The lady in the Tiktok said something along the lines of how as a parent, it isn't just your job to love your kid unconditionally but you need to make sure that you correct problematic behavior so they aren't the weird kid who struggles to make ANY friends because of how poorly socialized they are. Now, what this lady means by weird and what she means by fitting in can be up to interpretation, especially since judging by her content she seems conservative leaning, but I think there is a lot of truth to what she's saying if we draw the distinction between the ethical weird kids vs the unethical weird kids who are the product of poor parenting and socialization. I think growing up, especially in elementary school, I was generally an ethical weird kid but there were some unethical elements there as well as elements that came from not so great parenting. And I want to explore that a little bit throughout the years. Elementary School: I went to a Christian private school in Texas. This is very important context because I think the setting alone made me stand out as a weird kid even before I did anything odd. I was the only South Asian kid in the school: Most of the kids didn't have any exposure to South Asian people from the area of Dallas I was from and I think while I didn't encounter a lot of overt racism, a lot of it was just them not knowing how to deal with that information because they were like 8. I had a number of kids who asked me which tribe I was from when they heard I was Indian. Some kids thought I was Mexican but the Mexican kids didn't know where to place me. I remember I wore something cultural for Halloween and told people I was a princess and they said I was a weird princess because I didn't wear one of the specific Disney Princess costumes (not because they thought there was something wrong with my dress or that it was ugly). My mom used to put oil in my hair and when I told that to the other kids, they said I was gross and smelly even though I washed out the oil in the shower after leaving it on for a couple hours. So far, this isn't anything hateful, just kids being uninformed. But the hateful stuff came from how religious this school was. My parents sent me here for the education and didn't put any thought into the way they expressed Christianity here. I was one of the few non Christian kids and I would hear about people talking about how non believers would go to hell. I remember seeing an Atheist kid getting bullied and thinking that I cannot express that I'm not Christian let alone Hindu here. And I was also pretty lost when it came to Bible study and church ettiquitte because I was just not exposed to any of that stuff at home. Like I remember one time I asked what you would wear to church and the whole class looked at me like I was stupid. So yeah, I think in these situations, I was labeled as the weird kid but it wasn't because of anything that I was doing wrong. And you know what, when I was in social situations with mostly other South Asian kids, I didn't socially struggle nearly as much because people didn't have the initial reaction of categorizing me as weird. My Parents Were Over Protective: I remember kids going to summer camp and never being able to relate to any of that stuff. I remember begging my mom to let me go to camp and she would freak out on me. I remember not being allowed to go to sleepovers or any playdates because my mom especially didn't trust any parents that weren't also South Asian so that stunted my ability to make friends outside of school. I remember sleeping in my parents' bedroom every night because that's pretty common in South Asian culture rather than having your own individual room. I remember my mom would insist on doing everything for me, from helping me shower at age 6 because she thought I couldn't take a proper shower by myself, picking out all of my clothes to where I had no choice on what to wear, to literally spoonfeeding me because she thought that I would make a mess. And I remember pushing back against all of that because it felt ridiculous and like a hit to my sense of independence and sense of confidence. Also, the kids making fun of me at school when I revealed little things about my home life like how my mom wouldn't let me watch Harry Potter (not because it was Satanic but because she thought it would give me nightmares) didn't help. I realize I'm mainly talking about my mom in these situations but my dad, though not actively overprotective, would basically stand by her and watched this happen. I think some of the stuff is cultural differences where we see parents doing everything for their kid as an expression of love rather than a way to stifle their sense of independence. You see the same dynamic when it comes to dealing with elders as well. And I think this is a product of collectivistic culture where interdependence is emphasized more than independence compared to more individualistic cultures. But I think that both parenting styles can be taken to the extreme to where it's unethical and negligent. On the individualistic side, things can get negligent when you expect your kid to be self-sufficient before that's developmentally appropriate. On the collectivistic side, things can get negligent where you do everything for your kid to where they don't learn the proper skills they need in order to be a functioning person. Like I don't think that helping your kid shower to where you teach them proper washing techniques into the age of 6 or 7, though a little late imo , is the worst thing in the world (but I have an American cultural bias). But that dips into the negligence and as a result unethical territory when you're doing this to a 10 or 11 year old. Speaking of cultural differences, while playdates are a thing, South Asian people don't really do sleepovers. So the idea of just dropping your kid off at a strangers house freaked my parents out. And I think there is an added layer of uncertainty because you're in an environment where the people don't share the same background as you and you don't know what is and isn't normal. Later on, after like the age of 10, I was allowed to do sleepovers with other South Asian kids where my parents knew the other parents well. And now that I'm older, I can kind of get why my parents were like this both from a immigrant parents perspective but also a safety perspective. The safety perspective is that if you are dropping your kid off at an unknown adult's place, you never know what they could be exposed to and unfortunately, it's not a unique experience that some people get sexually assaulted in these situations. And in my opinion, I'm not judging the parents for being hesitant in these situations, but I do think there is a better way to handle these things. I remember being frustrated about not being able to go over to people's house after school or spend the night because it felt like I couldn't develop relationships outside of school, that I was being isolated from my peers, and I got this reputation of being the weird kid with the over protective parents. And I think rather than having a strict rule about not being able to go anywhere, it's better to talk to the parents for a little bit to get a general vibe and also communicate with your kids on healthy boundaries and sex ed (i.e. no one should be touching certain parts of your body and if anything like that happens, tell your parents even if someone threatens to harm you if you tell and you're scared). I think that's a much more ethical way to go about dealing with situations like this because you're not isolating your kid, you're teaching them discernment and boundaries, and you're allowing them to learn through experience and exposure. And speaking of having conversations around boundaries and sex, another reason why I was labeled as weird is because I didn't have any conversations around sex. I was labeled as the weird innocent kid because sometimes I didn't know when something was an innuendo or something sounded wrong. Thankfully I never assaulted a kid or did anything sexually weird. I do remember some kids saying things like *you're not allowed to touch me, that's inappropriate*. I didn't do anything super weird but I remember not really understanding that and why touching might be inappropriate. In those situations, my brain just went to *I'm just going to continue poking this kid on the arm to annoy them* because I had an age appropriate sense of naivity to a certain extent. Which is why, when kids describe a sexual assault, there is a very high chance they are telling the truth because kids don't just make up things like that and it doesn't naturally occur in their brain unless they got exposed to something. So in other words, while I wasn't a weird kid unethically due to the choices and actions I took in these types of situations, I think there is an element of things being unethical or just poorly handled due to a misunderstanding of cultural queues on behalf of how my parents decided to parent. Not understanding boundaries or conflict resolution: This is an area that I think I was unethically a weird kid when I was in elementary school. I think I was labelled as annoying partially because I didn't understand boundaries (going back to the arm poking example). I also didn't understand when or how to stand up for myself (instead my parents told be that if I got picked on to tell the teacher but that made it worse because then I was a tattle tell). So to other kids, I kind of became a doormat at one point. While other times, rather than standing up for myself, I would find myself lashing out over little things and crying easily because of issues at home, which would result in some kids not really wanting to be around me. Unconventional Interests: So here I think there is an ethical and unethical component. I think there were situations where I just had unconventional interests that were harmless and fine but the kids were just unnecessarily mean to me. I liked Pokemon and people thought that was weird since anime wasn't as much of a thing at the Christian private school. I liked the Powerpuff girls and kids thought I was childish for that (which doesn't make sense since we're all like 8 lol). I also liked more tomboyish things despite being a girl and kids thought I was weird for that. But the part that I think dips into unethical category is how I had this *I'm not like other girls* attitude where I thought I was better than other girls for not having girly interests. I think part of this was people picking on me for being a weird kid (so I was trying to reclaim it), part of it was internalized misogyny because of various cultural factors, and part of it was my own mother who modeled this attitude as well. But yeah, I think that I was pretty insufferable at times and I don't blame people for thinking I'm annoying. Middle School: I went over to a different private Christian school except in this place, the student body was more diverse and wasn't particularly religious. As a result, I didn't get the same degree of people having the knee jerk reaction that I was weird. That made me socially mixing up with other kids so much easier. Plus, none of the kids knew me so it was kind of like a fresh start. I was considered weird because of my unconventional interests. I was still insufferable but not so much to where I struggled to make friends. It didn't socially handicap me. I had my own group of friends and I remember as a result being considered one of the "cool weird kids" instead of the "WEIRD weird" kids. This was around the time I was really getting into anime, fanfiction, various fandomsm, Tumblr culture etc. I do think that I would have benefitted from some more guidance and parental involvement in this area. My parents weren't involved because they're boomers and didn't really know the ins and outs of internet culture or the bullshit that was out there. Thankfully, I didn't get groomed by a predator in Omegle or fall down an alt right pipeline. But I did unfortunately discover pro-ana tumblr and I think that gave me permanent brainrot. Overprotective Tendencies and Mental Health Issues: I still didn't do a good job in nurturing my friendships outside of school because of my parents over protective tendencies. I don't think that contributed to people thinking I'm weird but it did stunt me a little socially and made it difficult to open up to people to develop deeper connections. I was also dealing with things like anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, and social anxiety. But it didn't cross into the unethical territory where I was harming people around me as a result. A little cringy, emo, and awkward sure. Did people think I was weird as a result, sure. But I wasn't incel level dangerous and it didn't socially handicap me so badly to where I had no peer relationships. I was considered ugly: Part of it was racism. I had a South Asian guy I like talk shit behind my back and say that he "only dates white girls because brown girls are all ugly." Part of it was my mom not letting me do things like shave, pluck my eyebrows to where I didn't have a unibrow, wear makeup, and just really discourage anything that involved having an interest in my physical appearance. She was afraid that it was going to make me vain and distract me from school. And I'm glad that I was forced to develop a sense of confidence outside of my looks. But at the same time, I would have handled this differently. I liked how the video did talk about ensuring your kids fit in and that sometimes it means buying them the cool clothes, makeup etc. Peer acceptance is important at that age and while I understand wanting to teach you kid to rise above that, I think it's also important to meet them where they're at. Like we can discuss Eurocentric beauty standards and why women are expected to be hairless later on. Let's just do your eyebrows at age 11 when you're getting a unibrow so that you don't have to deal with the headache of the kids at school bullying you. It's a very quick fix lol. Genuinely, I think the eyebrows alone (and maybe a small amount of makeup) would have saved me the trauma of kids picking on me for my appearance. At the same time, I can understand telling your kid no sometimes when they try to fit in if they're asking for something unreasonable like a designer bag that costs a thousand dollars or hell, when they ask you to buy like 10 Stanley cups. In those situations, you need to have a bigger conversation with them regarding consumerism and status symbols and point out that the kids hyperfixating on this to where they are picking on other kids is them being losers. And I also think that taking care of your appearance and paying attention to fashion to a certain extent is also about learning social queues. I'm not saying you gotta wake up at 5 am at age 14 and serve looks every day. But I don't think that having an interest in doing things to improve your appearance should be discouraged unless it's getting to a point where it's harming your mental health and your ability to keep up with your grades. Like I wish I had the mom who didn't yell at me for straightening / curling my hair, who actually taught me how to do my makeup without looking crazy, and who didn't think I was superficial for not wanting to wear certain types of clothes that honestly made me look weird. I was also a little chubby and when I wasn't in my school uniform, this lady basically made me dress business casual and like a mini- middle aged woman who might be a part of a Christian cult because she thought that the clothes that other teenagers were wearing either didn't flatter me or she thought that it made me look like a whore. And yeah, that made me look weird to other kids because me dressing like a middle aged woman socially made me look strange. What / Who I Considered "WEIRD weird" (aka unethically weird): People definitely called me weird in middle school but the majority of people who called me weird didn't do it in a bullying way and more of a "she just has unconventional interests but she's like cool weird." The only people who bullied me for being weird was this group of judgemental teenage girls and a small group of teenage boys who thought I was ugly (which is only really a total of 6-10 people out of like the 75ish people in my private middle school). But there were people who the vast majority of the school thought was weird in the not so great way. One girl, we'll call her Leah, was one of the stereotypical horse girls. But the problem wasn't that she liked horses. That's not what made people hate her initially. The problem was the way that she would be possessive over her friends and get jealous when they wanted to branch out socially outside her, the way that she was casually racist, and the way that she would blow up at people and instigate conflict. Her dad also worked at the school and she would try to use that to her advantage to get people she didn't like in trouble. She also would cuss out and yell at her parents which made her look like a brat. She was also a bit overweight, probably had the tism, and was questioning her sexuality. While I wouldn't say that those 3 things were the reasons why she was hated and considered weird, I would say that those 3 things were very low hanging fruit to bully her for people who didn't like her for legitimate reasons. And I think that we (myself included at times) were very wrong for that. I get that I was literally 12, but if I could go back, I would tell myself that just because you don't like someone, that doesn't give you a free pass to behave unethically towards them. It got bad to where she had to leave school and be homeschooled for like a year to get away from that environment. I think looking back as an adult, I don't hate this girl. I think she was neurodivergent and her parents didn't know how to handle that and as a result, at times they were too soft on her / didn't address her behavior AND she doubled down on her negative tendencies when other kids would react to her initial actions. The reason why she was possessive towards the new kids was because it was like a fresh start for her to bond with kids who didn't know her reputation. On one hand, you could say that was manipulative. But on the other hand, I do think it's a response to being bullied from before and trying to grasp at connection. But then, that sense of possessiveness became a self fulfilling prophecy that pushed those same people away. There was this other boy, we'll call Chase, who was considered weird because he was creepy towards a lot of girls. Like I'm talking violating consent and getting handsy, staring at people, and talking about people in weird sexual ways. I also have a distinct memory of this one time when he was like 10 when he bit someone so hard he drew blood. Even once he got to middle school, he had some violent tendencies. I remember that we got a talk from the adults about how we shouldn't exclude people or bully them (low key it was about this guy since he was always being left out) and I remember having the biggest eye roll because there was a legitimate reason why we thought this kid was weird and why no one wanted to talk to him. But we were labeled as being immature kids who were bullying him. Anyways, years later I found out that he raped a girl in college and got kicked out and his parents are in denial about the whole thing. There was also another guy who was in my friend group (sort of because I eventually distanced myself from this group because they were toxic) who was considered the weird kid and the butt of the joke. He was also kind of chubby and not considered the best looking (and we shouldn't have made fun of him for that). He also had violent tendencies and was creepy towards girls because of how desparate he was (think where my hug at but on steroids). Despite working and having a glow up, he was still really insecure and creepy. He also stalked one of my friends and in high school, would make a bunch of weird sexual comments / advances despite my friend shutting him down multiple times. I also heard that in college that he drugged and raped a girl and that he was part of one of those frats that were notorious of date rape. Highschool: I changed schools once again and this time, I went to the nerdy public school where you could get an associates degree from a community college at the same time you graduated high school. As a result of that and where I'm at in Texas, let's just say that my school was filled with black gay nerds who were politically involved. I wasn't labeled as weird in this environment. I think we were all a bit weird to where no one was considered weird regarding things like race, sexuality, gender expression, or unconventional interests. I remember overhearing a conversation where even the vice principal was joking on how our highschool was like the island of misfit toys compared to the regular highschool in our district. I wouldn't say I socially thrived here either (or was considered "cool") because I had other mental health stuff going on at home to where I wasn't particularly social/ was shy and socially anxious. I didn't really find "my people" here, and I just didn't always mesh in terms of values an world views. I also had a lot of shit going on at home that made it difficult for me to open up and develop deeper relationships, or feel safe/ mentally stable enough to pursue romantic connections. I didn't have any actual adults guiding me through the grief process of losing a loved one which led me to get really isolated from my friends at the time. I had a year or so where I didn't really have friends, but it never got so bad to where I was ostracized by my peers and considered weird. There were a few unethically weird people here and I think they all fall into the neckbeard/ potential school shooter category. College: I went to college in a conservative, predominantly white and wealthy college. This was also during the pandemic. I felt like I was most judged for being weird in this environment. Bro, this was worse than how weird I was considered in elementary school and how traumatizing middle school can be. I was also just surrounded by questionable characters who might have been considered "normal" by larger societal standards (again, rich, white, conventionally attractive, relatively social) but they just moved unethically. I felt incredibly isolated at this time and COVID made things sooo much worse. It's not like I experienced bullying, people being rude, or people blatantly disrespecting me, but I did feel ostracized and like I didn't belong AT ALL. And honestly, most regular people I went to college with or people who visited me from outside of campus recognized how strange this environment was. Genuinely, I felt like the weirdest person there and after I graduated and I was around regular people, I realized how much of a social experiment my college experience felt like. Worklife: I'm mainly around normies here. But I think a lot of normies can get into strange territory when they start believing in dumb shit like conspiracy theories or when people are just politically incoherent and/or apathetic. I don't think anyone considers me weird in the workplace but I do feel out of place at times. I definitely don't think that I can be my full self at work. Here are some factors: COVID socially stunting me mixed with a little social anxiety + a touch of the tism. >> basically mental health My leftist/ socially involved tendencies where I'm like thinking deeply about every little thing and I'm clocking in with an existential crisis like 90% of the time. And the last part is how I don't really care about traditional motivators like saving for a house, making more money, and building my life around a romantic partner and kids.

I find myself contemplating motherhood a lot in terms of me trying to make more long term plans for my life. I'm trying to figure out if this is the path for me, if this is something I should do, and if this is something I'm even cut out for. I also want my thoughts to be organized in one place.

Things I Have Accomplished During My Time Off Work I'm working again and I'm done with my time off. I wrote a post of all the things I wanted to accomplish during my time off and I want to reflect on that. My thoughts now will be highlighted in blue: In conclusion, I found myself feeling like this coming into work:

My Favorite Models + Models I Have Made Spiral Dynamics: I feel like my understanding of this model has only deepened over time. I think it's been a good tool to see through the bullshit that is being spewed with the massive ego backlash the world is going through due to the Trump era. I think it's a good way to map out collective trends and see where they are falling short or how they are evolving over time. I had many reasons why I decided to join this forum about 6 years ago but one of my big reasons was that I wanted a space online where I can talk about Spiral Dynamics and people will understand me since no one in my real life knows about this model nor do they have the patience/interest to learn. Four Turnings: I like this theory because of the way that it views history in cycles and seasons as opposed to linearly. I feel like it has helped me make sense of how things have changed over the past few decades, the differences in the cultural ziegiest, where we are right now, and how in a way, it's giving me hope regarding how chaotic our world is. I know I have a huge survival bias regarding why I like Spiral Dynamics and the Four Turnings and how it gives me a sense of predictability, but I still love it nonetheless. 9 Stages of Ego Development: While Spiral Dynamics is better at mapping out development on a collective level, the 9 Stages of Ego Development is better about mapping out the development of individuals and their levels of consciousness. I rewatched the videos recently and a lot of things just started clicking for my journey and personal life, as well as what I observe regarding the people around me. I know I don't mention this model enough in my journals but it is underrated. Brittany Simon's Levels: This is a model I have been enjoying recently as I have been delving into Brittany's content more. I wrote about this in the previous post as to what this consists of. But I do think this can be helpful in realizing how people are engaging with reality, introspection, and exopection. I think my understanding of this model is greatly enhanced by the 9 Stages of Ego Development as well as Spiral Dynamics. Systems I have Made: Character, Personality, Skill Model: One thing that really stuck with me as I was watching Dr. K from Healthy Gamer was this notion that in order to solve problems, you need to have a good understanding of a problem and a proper diagnosis. As someone who has been getting into conflict resolution, I found that this framework is useful in helping me diagnose problems in relationships and how to proceed. The way that the structure of people's lives change after school: I think this is still in progress but being aware of this has helped me cope with understanding why people are acting the way they do after they leave the school environment. It has been essential for me to use this framework so that I don't fall into the name, blame, and shame game that people often fall into as relationships change and drift after school and so that I can identify various logistical and psychological obstacles that can come up when developing adult friendships. Social Competencies: I think this has helped me accurate gage where my social skills are at, where I need to improve, and what to do in order to improve without falling into the trap of creating a specific charicature of a socially competent person and without falling into the trap of moralizing social competencies, social inadequacies, and social awkwardness. It views social skills as muscle you can work, develop, and get stronger rather than viewing social skills as something inherent that you are and aren't born with.

Brittany Simon's Levels I found Brittany's content about a year ago and based on her language across 2-3 videos I watched, I wanted to know what framework she was talking about throughout her content. I watched this video about a year ago, understood like 60% of it, and then I continued watching other her content since then. I think since watching her content, I have a better grasp as to what she is talking about and I want to summarize my understanding here. What is a bubble?: A bubble is a community built around a sense of perception, paradigmns, and beliefs. What are the Levels?: The levels describe the different people in those bubbles and how they react within and around the bubbles, or their relationship to perception. As a result, it can be a gage of where people are in their introspection/exopection journey. What are the differences between introspection and exospection?: While introspection is when you reflect on your internal world and you ask yourself questions to better understand yourself, exopection is the same thing but for your outerworld and for the people around you. So if I were to introspect about my experiences with racism, I might ask myself how I'm experiencing this, my relationship to racism, and how it's affecting me. If I were to exopect, I might ask myself questions about how other people are experiencing racism, how racism manifests systemically, and how it shows up various other social situations. Level 2: People who are in Level 2 are inside their bubble of perception. There are different ways that this manifests depending on if you're a 2C, 2B, and 2A. I'm going to use fatphobia as an example of a bubble to illustrate how the different 2 levels show up. 2C are in the bottom in the 2 level. They are moving through their existance and are engaging with it without much thought or introspection. A 2C in the fatphobia bubble has unconscious biases they aren't acknowledging, they are engaging with pop culture and they are passively taking in the narratives society is giving about people who are fat or skinny. 2Bs are a step above 2Cs and they are introspecting / exopecting more. The 2B is aware that fatphobia is a thing and they are analyzing their experinces within that perceptual bubble. They can see why they are treated differently based on their size and how fatphobia is impacting society. That's the key, they are still within the bubble, hence why they are still a Level 2. 2As are a step above 2Bs not because they are introspecting more, but because they see the whole bubble and system for what it is from a bird's eye view, rather than breaking out, they're still in the bubble and they want to be in the top of the bubble. So in the fatphobia bubble, a 2A is someone who can see how fatphobia is affecting people. But rather than calling the fatphobia out, they are obsessed with being skinny so that they can reap the benefits of skinny privilege because they want to be at the top of the hiearchy and bubble. A 2B might say *fat phobia is fucked up and it's wrong that people are judged on their size, we need to change the system* while a 2A might say *fatphobia is fucked up and it's wrong that people are judged on their size, but that's just how life is so in order to play the game, you need to looksmax.* This is why a 2B is more likely to break out of their bubble and deconstruct the bubble of fatphobia and become a 3 as opposed to a 2A becoming a 3. 2As are often stuck in the selfishness and the ego of wanting to be at the top of the hiearchy of whatever bubble they are in. And why would they break out of a bubble that they are at the top of? It's possible for them to see the limitations of the bubble and break out, but it's less likely. Level 3: Brittany sees Level 3 as a bridge between Level 2 and Level 4. The way that I understand it is that Level 3 are the bubble hoppers and bubble bursters. Unlike 2s, they see that everything is based off of perceptions and they tend to hop between different perceptions and communities. They are more exploratory and more experimental. To further illustrate Level 3, I'm going to use religion as a bubble. Let's say you have a large bubble of religion. That bubble has a bunch of little bubbles inside of it. You have the Christianity bubble, the Judaism bubble, the Islamic bubble, the Hindu bubble, the Buddist bubble, the Atheist bubble etc. Those bubbles also have smaller bubbles. Hindusim has a lot of regional variations and each of those are bubbles. I have also met a wide variety of Hindus across the different spiral dynamic stages on how they express their religion, and those are different bubbles. All of the religions and all of the different groups within those religions have a different perceptual paradigm and framework they opperate out of. Religion itself is it's own bubble. A Level 3 recognizes this in hops across different bubbles and in and out of the bubbles. I'll use myself as an example. I was born within the bubble of Hinduism, specifically Shaktism that is the form of Hinduism that is practiced in the region of Bengal. I hopped out of that bubble as I interacted with people of different faiths. I also hopped around within the Hindu bubble as I was exposed to other communities who practice Hinduism differently than I do. I also hopped out of the Hindu bubble, then into the Christian and Islamic bubbles, and interacted with various groups of people within those bubbles. I have interacted with Protestants, Catholics, Orthodox Christians, Christians from different countries, Christians from different degrees to which they practiced their religion. I have interacted with Shia and Sunni Muslims. I have interacted with a range of Muslims from the people who cover everything but their eyes and don't believe in engaging with the opposite sex to the Muslims who are mostly secular and are more so culturally Muslim to where they will literally get drunk every weekend but draw the line at pork. I have interacted with Muslims whose families are from the Middle East versus Muslims from South Asia. The path for Level 3s is that as they are hopping around different bubbles and communities are the following: They either stay a 3 where they are hopping around indefinitely. Some eventually find a bubble they consider their home, settle down there, and rather than see it as a bubble, they see it as an objective/ accurate view of reality. Once they view a bubble as not a bubble but an objective and accurate view of reality, they drop back down to Level 2. Which is totally fine. You can live as a 2 and have a healthy and fulfilling life, but that is largely dependent on which bubble you settle down in and how coherent that perception and pardigmn is. You can be a Level 2 and subscribe to a white nationalist Christian bubble. Or, you can be a Level 2 and subscribe to a more expansive Christian bubble that accepts gay people and is relatively progressive like Pope Leo. Then they're are some Level 3s who hop around bubbles long enough to realize that the world is nothing but bubbles and then they have an existential crisis and turn into Level 4s. I'll go into the existential crisis about Level 4s in a little bit. But basically, the reason why 3s are a bridge between Level 2 and Level 4 is because 3s either remain 3s and stay on the bridge, they go back to being a 2 or they go on to being a 4. Level 4: Level 4s realize that life is nothing but perception and as a result, it feels like the rug got pulled out from under them because there is no objective reality. We all subscribe to some kind of paradigm. Going back to the religion bubble example, a Level 4 might get out of their original bubble of Hinduism, then explore other bubbles, pop out of those bubbles and then they see religion as a larger bubble of it's own. Then they pop out of the religion bubble and realize that the bubbles are endless because human perception is endless. They are still subject to much broader bubbles like thought, language, and the limits of the human mind and experience. And this freaks them out and they feel ungrounded. This is often where people get into really bad existential crisis around nihilism where they think nothing matters because they cannot get to an objective truth. They might fall into solipsism, think nothing is real, and become neurotic as a result of said realizations. The thing with Level 4s is that they either die as 4s because of how bad the existential crisis is, or they progress into becoming Level 5s. They cannot go back and become a 2 or a 3 because once they see that everything is perception and they see the endless bubbles, they cannot undo that realization. Level 5: Level 5s are more chill Level 4s who have made peace with their realizations and they can differentiate between objective and relative truths. As a result, instead of resisting the bubbles like the 4s, they can accept and embrace them. They might bubble hop like a 3, and settle into a bubble like a 2 but what differentiates them from the 3 or a 2 is the journey they went on when they went to Level 4. Even when they engage with different perspectives, there is an element of *hey I'm engaging with this paradigm rather than subscribing to it.* Think of it has a Level 5 doesn't live in any one bubble rather they exist as a 5 and then every now and then, they come back down to the Level 2s, engage with the community and perpectives, and then return back to their 5 home. Level 5s can be healthy or unhealthy. I think Brittany is a good example of a 5 but so is Leo Gura. But I would say that Brittany is a healthier 5 because of the way that she deconstructs things like patriarchy, and ableism whereas even though Leo can understand things from a 5 perspective, he still engages with the redpill / pickup train of thought. This is why I would say that 5s aren't necessarily superior to the other levels. You can still have very significant blindspots as a 5 even if you are seeing things at a much more birds eye view. However, there is a correlation between being a higher level and being more conscious. It's highly unlikely that you will see a 5 Trump supporter because if you can see all these different perspectives and be chill about it, it's unlikely that you will have the ego and the survival desirees that will compell you to vote for Trump in the first place. You can be a Level 2 and lead a much healthier and much more fulfilling life than some Level 3s and Level 4s. I will say that Spiral Dynamics, while it measures consciousness, doesn't map out super well on Brittany Simon's levels because Sprial Dynamics itself is a bubble of it's own. There are correlations. I think you can be at Level 2 and be anywhere on the spiral. I think Level 3s tend to be orange and beyond. Orange can still be experimental and explorative even though it's still stuck in the materialist paradigm. Green is often characterized as being multicultural and there is an element of bubble hopping there. Yellow and Turquoise are characterized with being multiperspectival. Level 4s and Level 5s are typicallly stage Green and beyond. They might have hang ups in the previous stages but you need to be able to see multiple perspectives and not be bound down by the materialist paradigm. I will say that I think Brittany's Levels map out better in Susan Cook Greuter's 9 Stages of Ego Development. People who are in the Impuslive, Opportunist, Conformist, Expert, and Achiever stages are likely to be in Level 2. Where in Level 2 they are can depend on that individual and how they interact with the bubble or how much they introspect. A Conformist can usually be at 2C because of their lack of introspection on what they are conforming to, or they can be a 2A where they conform so hard because they want to be at the top of the hiearchy. When I think of a Conformist 2A, I often think of Betty Draper from Mad Men who is a typical 1950s housewife who understands the social rules really well but rather than break out of it, she doubles down. Opportunists and Achievers are often at 2As as well because of their desire to be at the top of the hiearchy. However, depending on how healthy someone in the Achiever stage is, where they are in the spiral, and their extent of selfishness they can also be a 2B. The post conventional stages like the Pluralist, Strategist, and Construct Aware stages tend to be Level 3 and beyond. The Pluralist and the Strategist are aware of the bubbles and are deconstructing. They might drop down to a 2 or they might continue to become a 4. Construct Aware and the Transcendent Unitive stages can often Level 4 and 5 depending on how healthy they are. You can also be a Level 3 Construct Aware but if you're here, it's likely you aren't super deep into the Construct Aware stage in terms of life experience and embodiment. As a Level 3, you might theoretically understand the Construct Aware Stage and empathize with it, in the same way you can theoretically understand Level 4 and 5 and empathize, but you yourself haven't gone through the existential crisis stage that a Level 4 has, hence the lack of life experience and embodiment. F Finally, after talking about Levels 2-5, I guess it's understandable to ask about Level 1. Level 1s are rare and hard to pin down hence why I have left it to be the last level I discuss. Level 1s don't engage with the bubbles and exist outside of them. Unlike the Level 5s who also exist out of the bubbles, Level 1s don't do the introspection work. I would compare Level 1 and Level 5 as the difference between a monk who has achieved no mind through meditation and enlightenment versus someone who is in the state of no mind due to not putting in effort and just being spiritually unconscious. When Level 1s critique the bubbles, it's a critique from below while when Level 5s critique the bubbles, it's a critique from above. Level 1s lack introspection / exopection even more than 2Cs. 2Cs still engage with their surroundings and are a capable of being functioning human beings to a certain extent even if they are a little unconscious. A Level 1 doesn't engage at all. Someone could be at Level 1 due to really shitty life circumstances and then when those circumstances improve, they can move up to a 2C and beyond. However, there are a lot of cases where Level 1s stay Level 1s even with all the resources in the world because they refuse to help themselves or the people around them. That's why Level 1s aren't necessarily fallen 2Cs, rather they can be a category of consciousness of their own. It's not a disability thing. You can have a mental or emotional disability and still be a Level 2 and beyond. It's not a matter of high functioning or low functioning. It's a lack of engagement. There is some kind of philosophical bug Level 1s have that is hard to pin down that even Brittany has trouble articulating even though she is picking up on it. I feel like personally, I'm at a Level 3. I like hopping between bubbles and going in and out of bubbles. And I think for me, part of the reason why I do this is because I feel epistemically homeless and I'm looking for a bubble to settle in and "find my people" so to speak. I wouldn't be surprised if I drop down to a 2 later on nor do I mind it. I think I have a sense of contentment regarding where I'm at on the spiral, where I'm at in the ego development stages, and where I'm at in the levels. I think that seeing the levels and not seeing it as a hiearchy where a 4 is better than a 2 is for example is a better understanding about the levels and is an indication that you're not wrapped up in the paradigm of hierachy and the ego games that come along with it, rather you can see the nuances of how well each level manifests. And I think that seeing the nuances is easier if you are exposed to things like Spiral Dynamics and the Ego Development Stages. And yes, even if I can theoretically and emotionally empathize with Level 4 and 5, I can't say that understanding is coming from a place of embodiment or life experience. Whenever I read threads on this forum about solipsism, I can piece together what people are talking about but I cannot relate. I feel like there is a chance that I might get to Level 4 and 5 if I do psychedelics. But before I make a move like that, I think it would be a good idea to read up on various nondual teachings and concepts so that I can better navigate in Level 4 instead of having a freak out at Level 4 and dying and get to a more chill Level 5 in a less painful path.

A Letter to my 21 Year Old Self I was in the mood to read my old journal that I wrote in from July 2020 to August 2021. I was expecting it to be much more cringe than it was. There were a couple of moments where I caught myself rolling my eyes, but they were few and far between. The thing that inspired me to write this post was the following part of an entry where I was wondering where I would be at 26: I laughed when I got to this part. Yup, here I am at 26 reporting for duty. I remember when writing this, I was writing about all the ways that the pandemic fucked up my college experience, how I thought I would have been further along in life by now, and as a result, how if 16 year old me saw me at 21 she would burst out in tears. As I was reading this entire journal, I found myself thinking I had come a long way in terms of the overall quality of my life and my ability to cope. I was so much more stressed, anxious and depressed when writing in The Joy Journal compared to where I am now. And if I could send a letter to my 21 year old self, the first thing I would do is reassure her regarding her fears for the future. You found stable employment very shortly after college. It's not a job in my desired field but it does pay enough and it isn't a *head empty no thoughts* kind of job. You were able to live on my own for 2 years in Dallas and then you moved in with my boyfriend. You got into this relationship back in May 2022 and y'all have been going strong ever since. He is incredibly smart, competent, gentle, and genuine. He lives up to a lot of the stuff that you have written in your journal about what kind of man you wanted as your first relationship. And you're pretty good in a romantic relationship. I know you were scared at first because of the sketchy people you have encountered, the weird men and manosphere bubbles you encountered on the internet, and you were doubting your own judgement as well as ability to have a healthy and happy relationship. I want to say that you found a safe person despite all that and that you have done so much work both independentally through journalling, therapy, meditating, and self inquiry to where this relationship has been incredibly smooth. You did manage to make friends in college and you were able to study abroad. Those were really good experiences for you and you grew a lot. You also travelled quite a bit after college as well. You're still figuring out some elements of how to navigate friendship in adulthood but you're still in a pretty good spot. You have a ton of money saved up and you're financially stable and responsible. You have gotten a couple of promotions at work as well. And yes, you have had challenges since then and the world is still in a messed up place, but you're navigating that in a much more level headed way. You are still capable of being cordial with your parents but you do still keep quite a bit of distance from them. Yes, this was hard to deal with emotionally and I know you were thinking about going no contact, but you found boundaries and ways of dealing with them in a way that works for you. And honestly, getting your own place was a huge piece to that puzzle. You're still figuring things out in your life, but you have come a long way. Everything is going to be alright. I think reading this journal was in interesting experience. I'm really thankful that I captured a moment in my life so completely in that journal. Reading it felt so familiar and so jarringly different at the same time. It felt familiar in the sense that I don't have a radically different world view when you compare my writing from 2021 to 2026. It's not like I went from being a red pill guy to a feminist. But when I was reading the posts there, I found myself thinking *oh that's when I came up with that conclusion/ had that insight* when I came across things that feel like common sense to me now. I also feel like there is this overanalyzing/ anxious part of my personality that shines through my writing both in 2021 and 2026. I have a lot of the same values and same degree of depth that I look at the world around me. Like reading this journal felt like I was tracking my sense making process in real time because of the way that my writing took me back to 2021. I still largely feel the same way in this post. I would make a few tweaks regarding what I'm aspiring towards because I think my values manifest a little differently now. But my values and the things that bring me joy and fulfillment are largely the same 5 years later: While I feel like the sense making part of my brain is the same, the parts about the journal that feel jarringly different include my emotional state/ wellbeing, my life circumstances, and the amount of life experience I have had since then. My job, though stressful and frustrating at times, is no where near as stressful as my college years during the pandemic. I am no where near suicidal, I'm not having panic attacks, I can fulfill most of my adult responsibilities on a regular basis, and I have some time to breathe on a day to day basis. Socially, I'm in a much better place platonically and romantically. And I am so thankful for my opportunities to travel, gain work experience, and gain a sense of independence in living on my own. And I have a HUGE sense of gratitude for having my own apartment and having financial stability. That was a very big game changer in terms of my overall wellbeing on so many levels. On a less positive note, I still found myself thinking I'm still dysfunctional in some ways that is similar to 2021, but that dysfunction manifests a bit differently and much less intensely. I am still socially anxious. The anxiety back then stemmed from a lack of social experience, shame from my life circumstances, and a not so great self image. The anxiety now stems from me being rusty with some social skills and me having uncertainty around adult friendships due to how much the landscape of life changes after you graduate school. I still have trouble seeing myself as the main character and having that sense of outward confidence. But unlike 2021, in 2026 it doesn't inhibit me from doing what I need to do and going after what I want in my life. I am still someone who is in my head a lot and who analyzes things to death. But in 2026, I would say that I'm much more in healthier place regarding stage yellow to where I'm not experiencing a lot of the drawbacks with that stage. And yes, I still feel angsty about the pandemic. Though I feel like I have come a long way since then and it feels like it was a lifetime away, I can still see the ways it altered my development and the socialization of the people around me. Things are still pretty weird socially, politically, and economically. With all that being said and considering the stuff in my life I'm trying to figure out, I have a few questions for 31 year old me: How are you? Where are you in your life? Do we still live in Dallas? Are we still with him? How are your friendships going? What are your feelings around parenthood? What has happened in the world since 2026? Did things calm down at all or did things just get crazier?