soos_mite_ah

Much of my experience in writing has been in the form of journal entries on this forum (and privately), the essays I have had to write in school, and succinct writing in corporate/ business settings. I don't think any of that is bad or hurts me. I think the journal entries are a good way for me to reflect and generally speaking have practice in writing so that the skill doesn't erode after school. My educational background has been helpful in me imagining various systems and social structures in my world building and it has been helpful in analyzing other pieces of media as well. My writing in my job forces me to be direct and succinct which enhances how coherent and easy to understand a narrative is. At the same time, those are not the same skill sets that are essential for writing fiction. I have little to no experience in writing fiction (unless you count creating character designs for your friend's Wattpad Hunger Games fanfiction in the 8th grade as experience). I feel like if I was an artist, rather than being a painter, I would be the architect that is gifted in drawing detailed blueprints of a beautiful building. That has it's own merits but it doesn't have the same result as a painter who can capture the look and the feel of an image as opposed to getting bogged down with the technical details. And I'm not going to lie, it's intimidating. I don't know how I'm going to write these characters or their archs. I'm really bad at writing flowery prose without sounding like a fake deep Tumblr emo kid. I'm not good at painting an image in people's minds when it comes to describing a setting, a mood, a situation etc. Dialog also feels incredibly intimidating because I don't want it to sound like a bad Netflix original. I'm really good at identifying bad fictional content because I have witnessed them and I have, in some cases, produced them when I was in the 8th grade or into my high school years in the form of cringey journal entries where I was trying to be something I was not by writing in a voice that didn't sound natural to me. Of course I'm going to research and look into developing these skills. But I was wondering if anyone in this forum had any helpful advice or input.

Neglect I think this past year has me more in tuned with the way that neglect has shaped my life since I feel like my current social life is functionally emotionally unavailable. What do I mean by functionally emotionally unavailable? I mean that while the people in my life aren't weirdos and emotionally unavailable on a personal level, they do come off that way on due to systemic factors or because of "life just happening." And I think this functional emotional unavailability due to systemic factors has led my needs around connection, closeness, and fulfillment be left unmet. In otherwords, the system is set up in a way that a lot of people, including me, are being neglected. I have been in therapy for years now dealing with life's issues as well as trauma from my family. But I think I have been uncovering this layer of neglect that I didn't quite address before. I think the reason why I didn't address it until now, despite working on myself so much, is because it's hard to define what isn't there versus what actually happened. Like getting hit by your parent is easy to point to but a sense of disinterest coming from your parent over a stretch of time is harder to pin down. I think most of the neglect I have experienced (and continue to experience) is at the hands of my parents. I did also experience some neglect growing up in school usually in the form of peer exclusion or just being invisible romantically. But the parental neglect has been more impactful.My parents provided me with food, water, shelter, and an upper middle class material life to where I wasn't worried about college. But they also neglected literally every other aspect of parenting like helping me regulate my emotions, being there for me, empathizing with me, getting to know me, and teaching various life skills outside of academics. I also think the affects of the neglect I have experienced in childhood manifests in many ways. 1. Feeling like the background character of my own life: I think the origins of this has to do with not really acknowledged or engaged with. Despite being an only child, my parents were preoccupied by a lot of other things in their lives and didn't really engage with me on a deeper level to emotionally connect with me. My dad was better at this because he actually expressed some interest in my life (even if he struggled with the emotional aspects of it). My mom mainly showed her love by cooking, yelling at me over grades, and doing things around the house. And even then, the cooking often came with almond mom tendencies, the yelling was quite scary, and doing thing around the house was kind of the bare minimum in terms of being a functional adult that everyone in my household did within reason. I don't think at any point she really tried to get to know me and when she did get to know me, a lot of that was weaponized. And the rest of my family was always really surface level with me. I don't think it was intentional, I think it's more along the lines of how you can only engage with other people on a deeper level if you engage with yourself and your world in a deeper level. And that level of introspection and exospection is difficult when you're emotionally stunted which is the case for a lot of people in my family. 2. Not really having a core of self esteem/ sense of self which then makes it easy for you to internalize EVERYTHING: I think the way this shows up is how rarely I was praised or given any kind of positive reinforcement growing up. I can count on one hand the number of times my parents told me I was pretty or smart or the number of times they said they were proud of me. I never got a congrats for my efforts. My achievements were seen as standard and expected. But my failures.... oh they would never forget that. So now that I'm an adult, the thought of celebrating myself (even during my birthday, big life events, and things I put a lot of effort into), doing affirmations, and I guess "believing in myself" all feel like it falls somewhere in the spectrum of uncomfortable, performative, or just plain corny. But weirdly enough, I think a lot of people see me as someone with high self worth. But my self worth doesn't come with confidence, it's a result of my values. Like I know it's typical to tell a girl going through a break up with a toxic man that she's too pretty and too smart to be treated that way as a way to appeal to her confidence to help her through this vulnerable moment. But for me, it's more like no one should be treated that way regardless of their looks or intellect because it's about the principle of treating people well. I think a lot of my self worth comes from self-respect and morality as opposed to a sense of confidence because confidence can vary a lot depending on mood in my opinion. And in some ways, I think that my self worth as a result is more stable. But at the same time, I never had a strong sense of confidence. And because I lack confidence, I can be prone to taking too much responsibility for my surroundings to where instead of being able to accurately point to what's causing the problem, I end up pointing the finger to myself and my sense of self blame masquerades as responsbility. For example, I'm currently having bug problems in my apartment despite keeping my space clean. But instead of being able to point out that this is a building wide problem, my first thought is *the bugs are here because I'm disgusting, there's something wrong with me* even though I vacuum once a week, mop the kitchen once a week, do the dishes everyday, and wipe down surfaces everyday. And when it comes to interpersonal issues, I'm quick to wondering what's wrong with me, what did I do, and I tend to take people's critiques of me in face value. It's difficult for me to see how the other person might be at fault, how their biases might impact their inaccurate assesment of me or the situation, etc. It's difficult for me to see how I might be in the right when growing up, I always had my flaws examined and my merits ignored. 3. Having trouble feeling like a woman: I wrote about this in my previous post on how I didn't really have a solid mother figure growing up and how that has made navigating the world as a woman challenging because I had to figure things out for myself. 4. Feeling a little autistic: I don't think I meet the diagnostic criteria for autism but I do think I relate heavily to this notion that everyone was given some kind of social script and guidance on how to be a person but I haven't. I don't think it's entirely due to reasons pertaining to neurodivergence (it can be a factor but it's not the whole story. Now that I think about it, maybe I feel awkward and out of place is because I was never given the tools or guidance to navigate situations. Like no shit part of me always felt a bit behind in some aspects from my peers. I was a kid trying to guide a kid (myself). I didn't have an adult to guide the child version of me. 5. That envy and deep sense of lonliness when you see your peers become close to their parents in adulthood: I would characterize it as the feeling of *I'm happy for them but I'm sad for me.* Because I'm not close with my parents despite trying to be over the years. I found that it's quite unhealthy when I spend too much time around them. I sometimes feel like part of me is stunted because I'm not close to my parents, like I'm the angsty teen that never grew up. I know my situation is more complex than that but still. And I think I greive a little every time I struggle in adulthood because I have no one older and wiser I can run to. I can't go to my parents for comfort because they are my greatest source of stress and feeling of dismissal. 6. Feeling romantically and sexually invisible: I think this is less connected to my parents and more connected to my peers. Perhaps it's the result of my lack of confidence mixed with feeling like I cannot take the same risks since I don't have the emotional safety net that people with reliable parents do. I don't have parents I can go to if a boy was mean to me growing up or parents to go to if I was dealing with a break up. But also, I think I was just never in a place where I was considered particularly beautiful either. 7, Not feeling platonically unattractive but feeling platonically mid: I don't think that I'm repulsive to where I cannot make ANY friendships or meaningful connections. But I was definitely the floater friend growing up and I haven't had any one consider me their best friend since I was 15. People don't avoid me, but they don't exactly go out of their way to reach out first either. I think that I just haven't "found my people" but it feels a little lame to say that when I'm approaching my late 20s. But then again, that might loop back into me internalizing everything as a personal failing instead of being able to simply accept that there might be factors outside of my control and just timing in general at play. 8. Not going to the dentist regularly until i turned 25: I had to get my wisdom teeth removed in my mid-twenties and I found out that most people get this done in their teens. My parents also never took me to the dentist growing up and the issues with my teeth felt like another manifestation of their negligence. 9, Physical neglect: Sometimes I neglect my appearance, This can be me wearing the same shit over and over until it has holes, not doing my hair super often, and showering once every other day or every couple days. Sometimes I neglect my surroundings when I get depressed. And sometimes, I neglect myself when it comes to food where I may eat something past the point it was fresh to where I know I'm going to get a stomach ache all because I don't want to waste food. 10. Discomfort around expressing negative emotions: I think it can be difficult expressing my emotions and crying in front of loved ones because I'm used to having to deal with it myself. It can feel weird having someone sit with me as I'm experiencing intense emotions because growing up I would lock myself in my closet to cry because I know my tears would either be ignored or be met with yelling. It's far easier to talk about things after the fact or intellectualize my emotions all together.

I'm just creating a separate journal for myself where I can pour all of my negative emotions into and just rant/ vent in. I'm not dealing with an influx of negative emotions rather I just want to have a separate space for this apart from my main journal where I have more constructive and coherent posts. I have been journalling privately about things like this so I can have the space to just let things out but sometimes I feel like I want to share things that are kind of in the middle of me spewing things out (which I can do privately) and me having more contructive thoughts (which I have been doing in my main journal).

I feel like the above post can be summarized by this:

The Problems In My Life At This Moment 1. Friendship Problems (Pain Level: 8) I feel like I'm experiencing a lot of grief regarding how my relationships are changing now that I'm an adult and our lives are structured differently. I'm getting better coping mechanisms and better mindsets to deal with a lot of difficult emotions but it can be difficult and intense at times. There are some posts that I saw on social media that really resonated with me to where I found myself crying when I saw them: "I saw my friend having fun without me and suddenly I felt embarrassed for thinking we were close. It wasn't that they went without me. It was how quickly my brain turned 'I wasn't there' to ' I don't matter anymore.' Then, every late reply, every plan I found out about later, every 'we should hang soon' started feeling like evidence. I wanted to ask 'are we okay?' Insterad, I liked the post and tried to look normal. Because how do you say 'I know you're allowed other friends, I just need to know I still matter,' without sounding jealous? So I checked who was there, how long they'd known each other, and whether they looked happier than they do with me. Then, I felt embarrassed twice. Once for being left out, and again for caring this much. Friendship anxiety isn't always 'don't have other friends.' Sometimes, it's 'please don't quietly stop choosing me while I'm still choosing you.' Maybe that photo wasn't proof, but the fear didn't come from nowhere. It remembered every friendship that went quiet before I knew I was losing it. For tonight, one photo can be one photo. It can hurt without becoming proof that I'm being left behind." "I noticed I wasn't included. I just made sure nobody noticed that I noticed. They mentioned plans I didn't know about. I smiled like I already knew. I asked one casual question so I wouldn't sound as hurt as I felt. Then, I went home and started checking where I stood with everyone. Who gets invited first. Who gets the full story. Who gets remembered without asking. I kept saying it's probably nothing. But my body had already gone quiet. The worst part wasn't missing the plan. It was pretending I didn't care so I wouldn't look needy. So I got a little smaller, replied less, waited to see if anyone would notice. Sometimes friendship anxity is acting completely normal while quietly mourning your place. I didn't need to be included in everything. I just wanted to know I still belonged somewhere." "Nothing happend, I just slowly felt less included. Nothing happened, I just stopped feeling like I belonged there. I heard about plans after they already happened. I noticed I was always reaching first. Then, I went home and replayed everything. What hurt most was feeling embarrassed that I cared. But wanting to feel included isn't needy. Some friendships don't end, they just feel different. That quiet distance can hurt more than people know. You're not too much for wanting to still belong." "I know they're allowed to have other friends. I still stared at the picture like I'd been replaced. It wasn't only that they went without me. It was how quickly my made it mean I mattered less. Suddenly, every 'we should hang out soon' felt like something they only said to be nice. I compared everything. How easily they talked, ho happy they looked, whether they seemed happier without me. And the embarrassing part? Nobody actually left me. I was already grieving my place in their life. So I got quieter, replied a little later, acted like I was busy, just to see if they'd notice I was pulling away. When they didn't notice right away, my brain called it proof. Not proof that people have lives, proof that I was optional. I didn't want to control who they cared about. I just needed to know that caring about someone else didn't erase me. Maybe the feeling wasn't 'I want to be your only friend.' Maybe it was 'please don't mkae me easy to lose.' Tonight, I'm trying to let the picture just be a picture, not a goodbye I have to survive." 2. I look and Feel Gross (Pain Level: 6) I think this is related to the friendship problems but it then bleed into other things as well. I feel gross about my life because I feel out of alignment with my values. The best example of this is when I think about how much I value platonic connection but then I'm spending most of my time with my significant other. Don't get me wrong, I do love him and we have a good relationship but to me, platonic love is just as important if not more important than romantic love. And because so much of my social diet is coming from the romantic relationship, I feel gross. I know I didn't intentionally set up my life this way. I have been trying to make friends and put myself out there but I haven't had much success. I know because of this effort, the way I carry myself, and the way that I view this relationship that I'm not one of those male centered women. But I think if most people look at my life, if they didn't know me, they would think I'm one of those sad, pathetic women who only hangs around their significant other. And that makes me feel like my inability to actualize my values is reflective of some kind of moral failing. Then, when I think about feeling gross, I also start thinking about body image. I feel gross in my body, in my size specifically. While I have a flat stomach and the faintest amount of abs, I can still squish a good amount of fat. My inner thighs touch as I walk. My muscular legs feel heavy sometimes. I have these small back rolls that feel like they ruin every outfit. And while I have muscular arms, because I'm not super lean, I don't look skinny or jacked. I know that I'm not objectively a big person and I think one of the big reasons why I feel the way that I do is because of how the definition of skinny has shifted in the last couple of years with all the celebrities being on ozempic. I have written about this in the past so I'm not going to repeat myself too much. But this shit feels inescapable and I can feel the collective brainrot forming in real time. On a similar note, I do think I'm neglecting my physical appearance. A lot of my clothes have holes and mystery stains I cannot seem to get rid of. My hair has overgrown and I've been due for a haircut for a couple months now. I need to get my perm re done. I just don't want to spend that kind of money considering how I took my leave of absense and I didn't have any income coming in for two months. But yeah, I feel like a gremlin. 3. I don't know about my reproductive choices (Pain Level: 3) I feel like I have mostly made peace with this because I got to process a lot of my complex feelings around motherhood and parenthood. I also know where I'm going in that I need more life experience to really know what I want. Which is why the pain level is low. But it can still feel a bit existential crisis inducing at times as I'm getting older and I'm feeling more pressure to figure out this area of my life. 4. Wanting to Move to New York (Pain Level: 3) Similar to the bit about my reproductive choices, my pain level is relatively low because it's not super pressing but it is sometimes existential crisis inducing. I feel like I want to move because I think it would be much more in line with my values and the kind of life I want to build for myself. I care about walkable cities. I care about a more natural form of community with infrastructure to support that. I care about being in a place where the nuclear family and the so-called American dream is less emphasized, because it was never my dream. And sometimes, being in Dallas feels suffocating. I see people have their lives revolve around their jobs, buying a house, and popping out kids. There is nothing wrong with that but I don't see examples of the kind of life that I want to create for myself here. I don't care about the same things. And sometimes, I feel like I tell people what I want in life and they either think I'm juvenile (like *oh of course you will eventually come around to having kids and buying a house*) or they think that I'm crazy because they simply don't get the vision. I'm asking all these important questions of what settling down looks like for me and it sucks that I'm only being fed one narrative of what it means to be an adult and what it means to settle down. I have always wanted to relocate to a larger city growing up and part of me feels sad and like a failure that I have been in the DFW area my whole life. Don't get me wrong, I don't think people are failures if they don't live outside their home town/city. I can think of some very legit reasons to do that. But it feels like a failure to me because I'm falling short on something that really matters to me. And I'm trying to reassure myself that me not living in New York right now isn't because of some kind of stagnation, fear, or passivity. I have been making decisions in a way that makes sense for my life to build my life in a sustainable way. I have had situations in my life where I did eventually get what I wanted but I got it later than I hoped. I think sex and dating is a good example of this. It felt agonizing to wait when I saw my peer reach various milestones before I did. Sometimes, I wondered if something is wrong with me. Then, I remind myself of a piece of advice I got a while back that was along the lines of "you can get what you want now and have it be mediocre or disappointing OR you can get what you want later on, but it's going to be everything you have dreamed about and more." And as far as dating and sex goes, I'm really glad I waited because that saved me a lot of trauma, unnecessary heart break, and potentially dangerous situations. And I think the same mindset can also be applied to friendships as well as my desire to move to New York. Then there is the way that this ties into my reproductive choices. Part of me wonders if I would have a more favorable outlook on motherhood if I wasn't in the suburbs. Another part of me wonders if I would have the same desire to have a kid if I had more of a community and I have gotten closer to achieving some of my life goals such as relocating or travelling more. Because, there is a chance that if I have more of a sense of community and I felt like I was progressing more in my long term goals that I would want to have a kid less because I'm less lonely and I feel less stagnant/ unfulfilled. But, there is also a chance that if I have the community and I achieve these goals that I would want to be a parent more in order to share the beautiful life I have created for myself with a kid. I don't know which camp I fall into yet and I think the only way that I can find out is by creating the life that I want for myself. Because either way, regardless of if I decide to be a parent, I will still build a beautiful life for myself. And I think moving to New York is a part of that process. 5. Mommy Issues (Pain Level: 5) I feel like whenever I'm dealing with something challenging in my life or whenever I feel like I'm in a place where I really need guidance, I'm reminded of how I don't have that. I don't have adults with more wisdom and life experience to guide me through the above. I feel like this hits the hardest when it comes to my issues around friendships. Part of the reason I value friendship so much is because I had to create a chosen family since my homelife wasn't great and I had no siblings. And I feel like if I had a more stable home, I would be getting my needs met more and I wouldn't put all my eggs in the friendship basket. And even if I still had a big hole where my friendships would be in, my parents would have given me better tools and more life experience to navigate this aspect of adulthood. I also think about this in the context of my romantic life where I feel like if I had to deal with a breakup, I couldn't go to my parents about that. I would have to deal with the pain all by myself. And lastly, I think about this in the context of my reproductive choices. Part of the reason why issue #3 is listed as a pain level of 3 is because it overlaps with the mommy issues. I'm scared of becoming like my mother and mistreating my kid. And even though I'm taking waaay more precautions to prevent something like that, such as working on my own issues, carefully considering if parenthood is for me, and educating myself on how to treat children, part of me wonders if any of that will kick in when I'm actually faced with the realities of parenthood. I'm also scared of motherhood because I feel like I lack social support if this is the decision I end up making. Not only do I not have a village, but I also don't have a mother who I feel like I would be able to go to in times of need and distress. The thought of her holding my hand as I'm going into labor and feeling that sense of support feels like a fantasy, like I'm not imagining my real mother. Ideally, I would love to have a mother by my side as I navigate the difficulties of motherhood. But not my mom specifically. When it comes to my mom specifically, I would rather bear the burden by myself because adding my mom to the mix will make things more stressful and likely will multiply my problems. And I think that's pretty tragic. Then I think about how I feel gross and how sometimes, that relates to me not feeling like a woman at all. I feel like a girl and I feel like an adult, but for whatever reason I don't feel like a woman. I think part of the reason why it's hard for me to define womanhood is because it's easy for me to deconstruct it and the narratives around it. It's very easy for me to see what womanhood is not and what it can be limitted by. And perhaps, it's better and easier to define womanhood for myself and how it applies to me rather than having a broad definition of sorts. But, I think another aspect of this is because I never had a solid female role model in my life. I learned about what not to do by watching her, not what to do, similar to how I define womanhood by what it is not rather than what it is. I feel like I have had to figure out things considered traditionally feminine things on my own, whether that be how puberty works, how to do my makeup, how to navigate social situations, how to cook, how do deal with dating and boys etc. And sometimes, I still feel lost. I still don't know how to do my hair and my fashion sense feels abysmal. And there is a part of me that feels more like a gremlin than a woman because gender is a performance and not only do I sometimes forget my lines, but sometimes it feels like I was never given lines in the first place. There is a freedom to that because instead of trying to recite prewritten lines, I can improvise and do what feels more natural to me. But the problem is, that's not how the play or broader society functions and people are still operating under and are still constrained by some lines, for better and for worse. And rather than having this decision to improvise coming from a declaration of my own authenticity, it comes from a place of having no other choice because I simply wasn't given the guidance in the first place.

How many of y'all have people in real life who is familiar with Leo's content or have visited this forum? I'm just curious.

Some Themes I Want to Talk About in this Book I have caught myself reviewing previous journal entries as I have been mapping out the content of this book and fleshing out the building blocks. I have decided that I'm going to create a quicker reference to my own works as it relates to my project. I think this is also helpful in helping me see the way that my writing, self reflection, and overall self development applies to my book. Sometimes this process feels overwhelming, like I have to come up everything myself and start research from ground zero. This is a reminder that this isn't the case and that I have some work that I'm starting with. Cultural Nihilism: Nihilism Part 1 The Problems with Convenience and Optimization Culture Nihilism Part 2: Career Frustration Nihilism Part 3: Comparing the Mindset of My Immigrant Parents to My Ennui Nihilism Part 4: Seeds and Sprouts Nihilism Part 5: Factors that Contribute to the Nihilism + Addressing Them Nihilism Part 6: A Better World is Possible Nihilism Part 7: Spiral Dynamics Nihilism Part 8: Anti-Intellectualism Nihilism Part 9: Case Studies through the Classes Nihilism Part 10: Looksmaxxing Where I'm at in My Journey with Combatting Cultural Nihilism Nihilism Part 11: Luxury Poverty What is Punk Rock Nostalgia: Romanticizing the Past Lana Del Rey Romanticizing the Past (Again): 70s – 90s Edition Stability Fetish But also, the past SUCKS A Simplier Time Being The Adult In The Room The Lolita Resurgence Ableism and Disability Rights: Autism and Neurodivergence: Unpacking Stereotypes Around Autism Autism and Neurodivergence: Neurodivergence =/= Mental Disorder and the Problems with Masking Autism and Neurodivergence: Unpacking my Ableism- You Can’t Have Bad Days Diagnosis Is All Life Worth Living Breasts and Eggs Fulfillment Outside of Capitalism: The Happiness Spectrum Surviving Capitalism Coping Under Capitalism Part 1: A Desire for Meaning Coping Under Capitalism Part 2: A Grain of Salt Ambitions as an Anticapitalist Cozy Animals A Simpler Time Mental Health Under Late Stage Capitalism What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 1: Fetishizing and Monetizing Your Interest What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 2: Why I Stopped Searching for a Purpose and a Dream Career What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 2.2: Why I Stopped Searching for a Purpose and a Dream Career Depressive Hedonia My Leisure Outside of Capitalism Class Conscious Christmas Maturity and Delayed Gratification: Puer Aeternus Part 1 (Not) Taking Myself Seriously Putting Life on a Pedestal The Fantasy of Adult Competence Fantasy I Feel Like a Loser in My Mid-20s I Feel Like I Should Have More Things Figured Out Defining Adulthood for Myself in My Mid-Twenties Unc Status In The Middle Thoughts on Adulthood Thoughts on Womanhood Self-Infantilization Feeling 17 A Desire for More Responsibility Families and Gender Norms: Decentering Motherhood Unconditionally Wanting Parenthood Breasts and Eggs Unconventional and Wacky Families Wanting a Better Life for Your Kid Upsetero Heteros: Are the Straights Ok? Upsetero Heteros: Wine Moms My Relationship With Porn Part 2: A Healthier Form of Porn The Sign of the Times / my various cultural takes Dealing with Collective Trauma Gen Z Crackhead Humor Elements of Doomer Mentality Envy, COVID, and Rich Conservative White Kids Disassociation The Normalization of Drugs in Adult Life The Hellscape that was the Early 2000s Mass Shootings The 2000s The Toxicity of the 2010s The Toxicity of the 2020s Part 1 The Toxicity of the 2020s Part 2 Aging The Dread An Update on the Dread The Limitations of Leftist Policies Living in the 1999 Life in 2024 Zeigeist: Experiencing the Neoliberal Dream in Late Stage Capitalism The Election Election Grief Lonliness and Social Media Addiction Wah! Luigi! Making Sense of Our Chaotic 2025 Political Landscape with Spiral Dynamics Dream I Feel Like The World Is Falling Apart The Current Information Environment The Big 250 Experiencing My 20s during the 2020s Overturning Roe v. Wade Activism: Cyncism and Desensitization Boycott Fatigue Thoughts on Advocacy Absurdism: Doomer, Gloomer, Bloomer One Must Imagine Sisyphus Happy (Psychoanalyzing Myself May 18, 2024) Mastery vs the Ordinary

I'm trying to write a book about someone time travels into the future and I want to use models like Spiral Dynamics and The Four Turnings Theory to help me build this futuristic world. I'm not at a place where I have the plot or characters mapped out but I want to focus on the world building aspect first. The reason why I want to write this book is because I want to envision a better future. A lot of stories in the time travel genre, even if it’s something set in the future, is a reflection of how people feel in the present. The Jetsons came out in 1962. The first time humanity got to space was 1961. The first time we were able to fly was 1903. In the span of less than 60 years, we were able to go from ground only transportations to being able to go to space. No wonder people thought in 1962 that in 2062 people will be living like the Jetsons up in space with all types of robots. Back to the Future was envisioning the year 2015 from the lens of 1985 and the optimism of the future back then. Now that we’re in the Crisis era, a lot of our media that depicts the future has to do with dystopias (think the Hunger Games, Cyber Punk 2077 etc.). But I think at this point in time, with cultural nihilism being at it’s peak, rather than envisioning dystopias to critique the present, I think it’s important that we envision building something better. That’s why the Solar Punk aesthetic is popular. But I think rather than a couple of Pinterest mood boards, I want to create a more cohesive narrative of how society and people develop and ultimately, have it be something hopeful and something to aspire to. While I did enjoy the Jetsons and Back to the Future, I think the thing that messed with me even when I was a kid is how much it focused on the fantastical, technological aspect of the future rather than the social one. Unlike what Back to the Future thought in 1985, we didn’t get flying cars in 2015. But something that would send someone from 1985 into a coma if they saw us today is how much more accepting we are of gay and trans people and how much more common things like interracial marriage is. That’s the real controversial, juicy stuff, not the flying cars and hover boards. Sure, I want to make changes in the material world through my world building. But I want to emphasize the changes of policy and social attitudes even more. I don’t want my depiction of the future to be something that seems other worldly. I want it to seem like something that can be tangible. Bascially, this journal is going to be where I track my research as I'm doing my world building.

While the solar punk aesthetic has been good in terms of helping me get inspiration of how the future feels like, I don't want to replicate the world building exactly. I think I want to lean more on the sentiment of sewer socialism where its more focused on local government reform, public health, and upgrading city infrastructure like sanitation and parks rather than waiting for a national revolution or aesthetically green washing everything.

None of the people in my life know about Actualized.org. I think the biggest reasons why I don't send videos is because they are pretty lengthy and most people in my real life aren't super into videos that are an hour plus long . The people in my real life have read the writing I have posted on this forum but haven't gone into the forum itself. I'm kind of worried about what they might think of the forum given some of the more misogynistic / incel adjacent stuff on here. I do interject various concepts I have learned here into conversations and I feel like that has been a more seamless way to talk about these topics to where people are more receptive.

On the contrary, I found a youtube channel that I have quite liked:

@LordFall Thanks for the resources. Having a starting point always helps It's about someone who time travels to 2076 and experiences a bunch of culture shock during their time there. I have a whole journal I'm dedicating my world building to: Yeah, I'm not planning on publishing this. I'm just doing it for the fun of it tbh.

Yeah... this is the opposite of what I'm going for lol

Inspiration I know I wrote a little bit about this in the first post in this journal but I wanted to expand on that a little for reflection purposes. Here are the things that are inspiring me in no particular order. 1. Coping I feel like one of the ways that I cope with all of the chaos happening around me, even when I'm in a position where I'm doing everything I can to take care of myself and the people around me but I still find myself succumbing to existential dread, is that I imagine myself in my 70s or 80s. I imagine myself as an old woman and being surrounded by kids or young adults who ask me *what was the 2020s like?* And then I start off with *well, it all started in 2016 with an ape named Harambe in the Cincinati Zoo.* Then I go into all the wild shit that I encountered after that. Because when I'm in my 70s or 80s, I'm sure I'll be able to look back at this chaotic decade as my lore or, at the very least, some degree of humor. Because the way that the world is going on now, yes it's scary but it's not going to be like this forever. So you might as well take everything in and have something interesting to say. I also think that as I have been doing the research for this that this project has been a source of hope for me. I think over all I'm trying to envision a better world and send a more positive message of what we can build, not only so that we have a path out of this when it all falls apart, but also so that we have something driving us through the chaos as well. 2. An Interest in the Time Travel Genre / Depiction of the future. This was one of my favorite media tropes growing up (and even now). As a kid I loved the show Time Warp Trio and I distinctly remember my dad introducing me to Back to the Future when I was 11 years old. I loved the movie Meet the Robinsons and the various episodes across different TV shows that featured the same thing. As I moved into my teens, I loved the show Cold Case that featured a group of detectives in the present day trying to solve murders from decades ago and they have to interview people from that time period and the show flashed back to what life was like back when the crime was comitted. I also loved media that depicted the future such as the Jetsons, or dystopian novels like the Hunger Games, Divergent, Uglies etc. But I did notice a problem with this genre of media. They tended to over estimate the technological advancments while underestimating the social advancements. Or, they would try to bypass this problem by setting something so far into the future to where it's like *sure we might have flying cars 200 years from now. * The first time I was aware of this issue was when I watched Back to the Future again on October 21 2015, a day before my 16th birthday. Back to the Future Part II was released in 1989 and the main character goes into the future to October 21 2015 and they have crazy shit like hover boards, flying cars, and other crazy technologies. And I remember looking around at October 21 2025 and being like... yeah I don't think we're going to achieve that anytime soon lol. Then, later I noticed that a lot of the depictions of the future we have in the media at any given time typically has to do with how we feel about the present. I think that can be seen especially with the rise of dystopian content over the last 15 years that depicts the future as bleak as a way to warn us about our present day social ills and provide valid commentary on it. I think it can also be seen if you contrast today's dystopian content to the way that the future was depicted in the 60s, the 80s, or hell the 2000s. And sure, the optimism from that time seems a little silly now since we don't have flying cars in 2026. But I think we can still benefit from a degree of optimism in seeing a future that is worth fighting for while still being grounded by what's going on right now. I don't think it has to be one or the other. And if anything, I think that can address a lot of the problems with this genre and the way that it imagines the future. 3. An Interest in Cyclical Social Development. I feel like I'm a social scientist at heart given my educational background, the type of content I gravitate towards, and the way that I analyze media and the world around me. I feel like theories like the Four Turnings and Sprial Dynamics can help with giving insight of what we're growing towards and what obstacles we may encounter along the way. I like the way that it depicts things like backlashes, collective progress, regression, dismantling systems etc. And I think it can address the common pitfalls in imagining the future as a result. One of the reasons why people over estimate technological progress and underestimate social progress is because we project our current paradigms and our current biases of how we feel about the present on to the future. The way that bias shows up is by thinking in linear terms when thinking of history, rather than cyclical ones. We think that the future is going to be dystopian because we are engrossed in the era of Crisis and we think it's always going to be like this, so we imagine a future of the crisis as something that linearly or exponentially gets worse instead of a future where the crisis eventually dies down and new systems are created to replace the old paradigms. We thought the future of the 2020s was going to be a technological paradise according to the optimism of the 60s, 80s, and 2000s because we thought technological progress and the increase of quality of life was going to be linear. And I think imagining progress in the context of cycles is a more nuanced way of making predictions or imagining a future that doesn't seem alien or outlandish both in a positive or a negative way. 4. My Own Journey of Development as a Person and as a Writer I have many goals in my 20s. One of which is writing a book. I came up with that goal given how much I journal and I figured that I would probably have enough material to write a pretty good book. At first I thought that it might be self-help related. But now that I'm no longer neck deep in self help content like I was from age 18 to 22, I don't think that's the case. After reading through many of my journal entries, I thought that I had a very good way of capturing the current moment and that I'm skilled at thinking in systems, and analyzing social dynamics. At first, I thought of writing something fictional based on my personal experiences and the experiences of others regarding the present day / the 2020s. Then I was like *what if I combine my knowledge of these cyclical ways of thinking and my interest in the time travel genre to make something set in the future.* I also thought of the general messages that I want to send as the over arching theme of what I'm trying to say and things just started to click. I also looked at a journal entry from years ago that I thought was interesting: And I think writing this book is a part of that. I also think that you can pack in way more life lessons and things that stick to people emotionally that would want people to better their lives through things like fiction as opposed to nonfiction or self help. I think fiction forces you to empathize, imagine, and emotionally connect to integrate messages more than nonfiction and self help. I also think this will be more of a challenge for me because much of my experience in writing has been in the form of journal entries, the essays I have had to write in school, and succinct writing in corporate/ business settings. I don't think any of that is bad or hurts me. I think the journal entries are a good way for me to reflect and generally speaking have practice in writing so that the skill doesn't erode after school. My educational background has been helpful in me imagining various systems and social structures in my world building and it has been helpful in analyzing other pieces of media as well. My writing in my job forces me to be direct and succinct which enhances how coherent and easy to understand a narrative is. At the same time, those are not the same skill sets that are essential for writing fiction. I have little to no experience in writing fiction (unless you count creating character designs for your friend's Wattpad Hunger Games fanfiction in the 8th grade as experience). I feel like if I was an artist, rather than being a painter, I would be the architect that is gifted in drawing detailed blueprints of a beautiful building. That has it's own merits but it doesn't have the same result as a painter who can capture the look and the feel of an image as opposed to getting bogged down with the technical details. I think writing this book, as opposed to something nonfiction or self help related, would challenge me more as a writer and expand my skills. And I'm not going to lie, it's intimidating. I don't know how I'm going to write these characters or their archs. I'm really bad at writing flowery prose without sounding like a fake deep Tumblr emo kid. I'm not good at painting an image in people's minds when it comes to describing a setting, a mood, a situation etc. Dialog also feels incredibly intimidating because I don't want it to sound like a bad Netflix original. I'm really good at identifying bad fictional content because I have witnessed them and I have, in some cases, produced them when I was in the 8th grade or into my high school years in the form of cringey journal entries where I was trying to be something I was not by writing in a voice that didn't sound natural to me. But yeah.. this project intimidates me and excites me. It's going to stretch my intellectual and imaginative capabilities. But I also get to delve into a lot of the things that I'm already interested in and have that be fuel to create something greater. I don't know how this is going to turn out and I don't think that if I write this book that I would publish it, but it is a interesting challenge that I want to present to myself.

I feel like before 2020, people cared about climate change more and felt the impending doom of the climate crisis. I remember people talking about the various doomsday clocks when I was in high school. I think the most famous one is in New York City and it's counting the days until we get the the point of no return when the temperature rises by 1.5 degrees celcius. I think after the pandemic, the climate crisis fell more so in the background of various other crisis that have gotten worse since then such as the cost of living crisis, housing crisis, the pandemic, the threats to our democracy, ICE running around in these streets, etc. There is so many things going wrong to where the climate feels like an after thought. Which is scary because none of these other crisis matters if we don't have a fucking planet lol. But it doesn't come ot the forefront of most people's minds because it's not as tangible and something you encounter on a day to day basis (as of right now), unlike things like rising gas prices, rising rent etc. On top of that, we're also amidst a very messy ego backlash. I have written about this in my main journal. In this post, I do go into some stuff on how a lot of stage green "crunchy" people went down in the alt right pipeline. A lot of it has to do with the similarities of stage blue and stage green along with how some stage green people don't have a proper integration of orange so it's easy for them to fall for really dumb pseudoscience such as sketchy home remedies and anti-vax talking points. But I think the same can be applied to climate change where a lot of people, because there has been an even more erosion of the overall quality of life, are caring about climate change less. The lack of healthy orange stability is causing people to back track. I think another element of this is that a lot of people who were surface level stage green who went vegan for health reasons, climate change reasons, and animal rights reasons, because they didn't have a proper integration of stage orange and their veganism was often a mask for other issues like eating disorders, now, they are taking the pendulum back to things like the carnivore diet. Like yes, things like veganism and more of a plant based diet are huge in terms of helping the climate. But we have stopped talking about that because of a change in cultural and material forces. And I think some of that is valid. There was a lot of emphasis of people's individual choices back in the 2010s in terms of what you're doing regarding climate change. This can range from recycling, going vegan, using paper straws, using less plastic bags etc. But the limitation of this is that there is only so much our individual choices can do when you have these big ass corporations dumping waste in our rivers, building data centers, and cutting down our forests. I think the good part of the 2020s is that a lot of people see that climate change is more systemic and a product of capitalism and we aren't turning on each other or overly moralizing personal decisions. But the downside of that is that because of the systemic nature of this, a lot of people got a sense of learned helplessness to where they think *what's the point in trying to recycle if we're all going to die* because it's such a big problem. I also think that the systemic aspect of it also breeds a sense of disconnection from this problem because it feels so abstract, especially since you have 5 other crisis and problems knocking at your doorstep. But unfortunately, I don't think it's going to be abstract for long. Going back to the doomsday clock in New York City, we got about 4 years until we reach the point of no return and we are about a few months away from the super El Nino mentioned in the video above. Things are about to get a whole lot worse before they get better.

A Crumbling Empire I watched this video recently and I really liked this. The video starts with talking about the disaster that is the Iran war, how Britain had a similar (granted less embarrassing) fumble in the Suez canal in the 1950s, and the disaster that was the 250th Independence day. It talks about these events in a narrative of how this is a crumbling empire as the U.S. causes chaos in the global stage, loses leverage and respect, and it can't even throw a proper birthday party without the reflecting pool turning green and having all the performers cancel. Then, the video shifts into talking about how while the empire is crumbling, that's not all bad because the empire isn't necessarily the people. This is my favorite part of the video: Then, the creator goes into his experience watching all of this go down as a Canadian. He touches on how the Revolutionary War gave birth to the U.S, but also Canada and how that really affected average people there. He differentiates between the land, the borders, who rules over a place, from the people themselves, the history they create, and the way they championed their rights. Another section I liked in this video is the part where the creator talks about the Antonio Gramsci quote "The crisis consists precisely in the fact that the old is dying and the new cannot be born; in this interregnum a great variety of morbid symptoms appear." I think this is a good call to action and the overall message that I want to send.

What If Things Never Got Better? What if things never got better? What if the cost of a median house or the cost of oil/gas never got better? But, instead of us succumbing to this, we build systems around this material reality and those systems actually end up better for us in the long run. The suburban house, the nuclear family living under one roof, the typical middle class lifestyle that we imagine, is not something that has already been around. It’s something that has come up in the last 80 years post WW2. That’s not the only way to live. The main reason why highways were built to and from cities was so that in the event of a nuclear war, we can move supplies around efficiently. After WW2, we didn’t “go back to normal” and get rid of the highways. Instead, we used that as existing infrastructure to make the suburbs which were created as a mid point between rural and urban living but also because of racism and redlining. That’s how things work in the High. New instructions and ways of life are built from the by product of the Crisis. They aren’t perfect and the rationale gets called into action in the Awakening (think Civil Rights movement in this situation). I watched a few financial channels and I’m seeing that the previous financial benefits of owning a suburban house is dwindling these days because of how expensive houses are and because of property tax. A few decades ago, buying a house was a good idea because it locked in your mortgage payment and it was cheaper in the long run as opposed to renting. It was also much easier to buy a house back then where you could save up for a few years and get a down payment. Now, if we’re going off of cost alone and we ignore the American Dream propaganda we have been fed, it makes more sense in major cities now to rent an apartment and take the difference you would have spent on a mortgage and other hidden costs associated with home ownership and put it in the stock market, it will yield higher returns. I also think of Amsterdam and how in the 60s and 70s, people were much more likely to buy cars. Then, because of the 1970s oil crisis, gas became incredibly expensive. And it never went down to where using a car was sustainable again. Instead, the city moved around that and people built more bike and pedestrian friendly infrastructure. Now, fast forward a few decades, I don’t think people are seeing the oil crisis of the 70s as a major hit to people’s quality of life. If anything, I think the new system that was built as a result of the crisis is yielding better results. We can look to today as an example as well. While we never went fully “back to normal” since COVID, some really good things came out of it. People get to work from home now meaning they have more flexibility with where they live, their work life balance, and taking care of kids. While there isn’t a mass physical infrastructure change, to take away one’s commute and give them extra hours of their day back is a huge change to someone’s life infrastructure. And what I’m thinking as far as world building goes is what if housing prices and gas prices never went down and that was actually a good thing. What if this incentivizes people to be in apartments more, thus creating more of a demand for nicer walkable areas. What if instead of all the property taxes from the city core going out to subsidize the suburbs, we reinvest that money towards schools, hospitals, and other major building projects in the city. There is a reason why a lot of major building constructions dwindled after WW2. I mean a lot of the fancy, traditional looking architecture that give a city life was built around the post war period or before that. That is before suburbs became a big thing. It’s because all the money was going out to maintain the suburbs. What if gas prices never went down, people have to use public transport and biking more, and that increases the demand for public transport, better infrastructure, and more denser neighborhoods. What if this is the push we need to invest in green energy and phase out oil and gas. Yes, the American Dream and traditional institutions established 80 years ago are crumbling. And it’s scary because as of now, we just see the negatives and the hit to our quality of life. But what if this is our chance to create a better dream instead of going back to the old and trying to patch up a dying paradigm? But that requires creativity and being able to think outside the box of how the ideal life is a heterosexual marriage with 2.5 kids in a suburban home with two or more cars. Yes, we want to solve the problems of today when envisioning the future. But, we don’t want to do it in a way where we “go back to normal.” We want to create better overall systems that adapt to a changing world, not just fight it to preserve old paradigms. And something that I find so beautiful and also so tragic about the 2020s is that we have the solutions to a lot of these problems. We can solve the climate crisis with our current green energy technology. We can put more money towards schools and our healthcare system because we have the money. We know what policies need to be implemented to create a better quality of life for people. The problem isn’t finding solutions. The problem is implementing said solutions across the backdrop of corporate interests and cultural talking points that are used to cause people to vote against their best interests. That’s why I don’t think that 2076 is going to be this hyper futuristic place. I don’t think more technology alone is going to solve our problems because if that was the case, we wouldn’t be in this situation. If anything, more technology without the proper regulations and protections does more harm than good. Look at the way that companies like DoorDash, Airbnb, and Uber are harming the economy, harming the consumers, and harming the workers. Yes the conveniences are nice, but they aren’t a net positive without the proper guard rails.

Reading List This is going to be pieces of media that I want to consume. It's not a literal reading list that features books but it's also going to feature movies, shows and more. Imagining a Solar Punk World: Disney's Strange World A Psalm for the Wild-Built and A Prayer for the Crown-Shy by Becky Chambers Studio Ghibli's Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind, Castle in the Sky, and Princess Mononoke Woman on the Edge of Time by Marge Piercy Always Coming Home by Ursula K. Le Guin Walkaway by Cory Doctorow Glass and Gardens: Solarpunk Summers by Sarena Ulibarri The Ministry of the Future by Kim Stanley Robinson More Technical Material The Fourth Turning and The Fourth Turning is Here by Neil Howe and William Strauss I don't know any sources for this but things on decomodifying housing The videos on Alan Fisher's Youtube Channel about urban planning and public transit Continue watching videos from Real Life Lore Rewatch Leo's videos on Conscious Politics Various Books from my degree (I'm not in my apartment right now so I cannot list them off the top of my head). Philosophy Salvation by bell hooks All About Love by bell hooks The Myth of Sisyphus and Other Essays by Albert Camus The Rebel: An Essay on Man in Revolt by Albert Camus The End of Eternity by Isaac Asimov Walden and Civil Disobedience by Henry David Thoreau Vulcan's Hammer by Philip K. Dick Topics to Research (no specific sources, just explore these things) Parallels between the previous crisis era and now comparing the counter culture movement to the transcendentalist movements green energy what different countries are doing and potential solutions to current problems

ummmmm.....

Just created yet another journal since my other journal was getting too long. I've also been wanting a new start and a new space since my last journal was started way back in 2021 when my life was very different from where I'm at right now. Here are my two previous journals for a quick reference/ recap: Psychoanalyzing Myself: 9/1/2021- 12/25/2024 The Joy Journal: 7/19/2020 - 9/7/2021

Parenting and Being the Weird Kid I watched the video below and I found myself thinking about how I was the weird kid growing up, how that shaped me, and what is and isn't considered a bad way of being weird. I saw the first tiktok that Brittany talks about prior to her covering it so I came up with my own conclusions. I watched the video out of curiosity on how her take may compare to mine and I think this is one of those instances where we have arrived in the same conclusion. Brittany talks about the difference between being Ethical and Unethical weirdos. And I remember making this distinction as a kid as well but with different terminology. I differentiated the weird kids as the cool weird kids vs the WEIRD weird kids. So the Ethical Weirdos (or in my case the cool weird kids) are the kids that might be neurodivergent, have unconventional tastes and interests, or might be gay or perhaps part of a culture or demographic that isn't as common in that particular setting. But generally speaking, even if these kids are a little odd, they typically have basic socialization skills to find like minded weirdos and not be in the second category of the Unethical Weirdos. The Unethical Weirdos (or in my 13 year old's terminology, the WEIRD weird kid) are the kids that are deemed weird because they legit have social problems. These are the neckbeards, the incels, the school shooter types, the people who instigate problems with everyone, the people who don't understand boundaries and sexually assaults other kids etc. The lady in the Tiktok said something along the lines of how as a parent, it isn't just your job to love your kid unconditionally but you need to make sure that you correct problematic behavior so they aren't the weird kid who struggles to make ANY friends because of how poorly socialized they are. Now, what this lady means by weird and what she means by fitting in can be up to interpretation, especially since judging by her content she seems conservative leaning, but I think there is a lot of truth to what she's saying if we draw the distinction between the ethical weird kids vs the unethical weird kids who are the product of poor parenting and socialization. I think growing up, especially in elementary school, I was generally an ethical weird kid but there were some unethical elements there as well as elements that came from not so great parenting. And I want to explore that a little bit throughout the years. Elementary School: I went to a Christian private school in Texas. This is very important context because I think the setting alone made me stand out as a weird kid even before I did anything odd. I was the only South Asian kid in the school: Most of the kids didn't have any exposure to South Asian people from the area of Dallas I was from and I think while I didn't encounter a lot of overt racism, a lot of it was just them not knowing how to deal with that information because they were like 8. I had a number of kids who asked me which tribe I was from when they heard I was Indian. Some kids thought I was Mexican but the Mexican kids didn't know where to place me. I remember I wore something cultural for Halloween and told people I was a princess and they said I was a weird princess because I didn't wear one of the specific Disney Princess costumes (not because they thought there was something wrong with my dress or that it was ugly). My mom used to put oil in my hair and when I told that to the other kids, they said I was gross and smelly even though I washed out the oil in the shower after leaving it on for a couple hours. So far, this isn't anything hateful, just kids being uninformed. But the hateful stuff came from how religious this school was. My parents sent me here for the education and didn't put any thought into the way they expressed Christianity here. I was one of the few non Christian kids and I would hear about people talking about how non believers would go to hell. I remember seeing an Atheist kid getting bullied and thinking that I cannot express that I'm not Christian let alone Hindu here. And I was also pretty lost when it came to Bible study and church ettiquitte because I was just not exposed to any of that stuff at home. Like I remember one time I asked what you would wear to church and the whole class looked at me like I was stupid. So yeah, I think in these situations, I was labeled as the weird kid but it wasn't because of anything that I was doing wrong. And you know what, when I was in social situations with mostly other South Asian kids, I didn't socially struggle nearly as much because people didn't have the initial reaction of categorizing me as weird. My Parents Were Over Protective: I remember kids going to summer camp and never being able to relate to any of that stuff. I remember begging my mom to let me go to camp and she would freak out on me. I remember not being allowed to go to sleepovers or any playdates because my mom especially didn't trust any parents that weren't also South Asian so that stunted my ability to make friends outside of school. I remember sleeping in my parents' bedroom every night because that's pretty common in South Asian culture rather than having your own individual room. I remember my mom would insist on doing everything for me, from helping me shower at age 6 because she thought I couldn't take a proper shower by myself, picking out all of my clothes to where I had no choice on what to wear, to literally spoonfeeding me because she thought that I would make a mess. And I remember pushing back against all of that because it felt ridiculous and like a hit to my sense of independence and sense of confidence. Also, the kids making fun of me at school when I revealed little things about my home life like how my mom wouldn't let me watch Harry Potter (not because it was Satanic but because she thought it would give me nightmares) didn't help. I realize I'm mainly talking about my mom in these situations but my dad, though not actively overprotective, would basically stand by her and watched this happen. I think some of the stuff is cultural differences where we see parents doing everything for their kid as an expression of love rather than a way to stifle their sense of independence. You see the same dynamic when it comes to dealing with elders as well. And I think this is a product of collectivistic culture where interdependence is emphasized more than independence compared to more individualistic cultures. But I think that both parenting styles can be taken to the extreme to where it's unethical and negligent. On the individualistic side, things can get negligent when you expect your kid to be self-sufficient before that's developmentally appropriate. On the collectivistic side, things can get negligent where you do everything for your kid to where they don't learn the proper skills they need in order to be a functioning person. Like I don't think that helping your kid shower to where you teach them proper washing techniques into the age of 6 or 7, though a little late imo , is the worst thing in the world (but I have an American cultural bias). But that dips into the negligence and as a result unethical territory when you're doing this to a 10 or 11 year old. Speaking of cultural differences, while playdates are a thing, South Asian people don't really do sleepovers. So the idea of just dropping your kid off at a strangers house freaked my parents out. And I think there is an added layer of uncertainty because you're in an environment where the people don't share the same background as you and you don't know what is and isn't normal. Later on, after like the age of 10, I was allowed to do sleepovers with other South Asian kids where my parents knew the other parents well. And now that I'm older, I can kind of get why my parents were like this both from a immigrant parents perspective but also a safety perspective. The safety perspective is that if you are dropping your kid off at an unknown adult's place, you never know what they could be exposed to and unfortunately, it's not a unique experience that some people get sexually assaulted in these situations. And in my opinion, I'm not judging the parents for being hesitant in these situations, but I do think there is a better way to handle these things. I remember being frustrated about not being able to go over to people's house after school or spend the night because it felt like I couldn't develop relationships outside of school, that I was being isolated from my peers, and I got this reputation of being the weird kid with the over protective parents. And I think rather than having a strict rule about not being able to go anywhere, it's better to talk to the parents for a little bit to get a general vibe and also communicate with your kids on healthy boundaries and sex ed (i.e. no one should be touching certain parts of your body and if anything like that happens, tell your parents even if someone threatens to harm you if you tell and you're scared). I think that's a much more ethical way to go about dealing with situations like this because you're not isolating your kid, you're teaching them discernment and boundaries, and you're allowing them to learn through experience and exposure. And speaking of having conversations around boundaries and sex, another reason why I was labeled as weird is because I didn't have any conversations around sex. I was labeled as the weird innocent kid because sometimes I didn't know when something was an innuendo or something sounded wrong. Thankfully I never assaulted a kid or did anything sexually weird. I do remember some kids saying things like *you're not allowed to touch me, that's inappropriate*. I didn't do anything super weird but I remember not really understanding that and why touching might be inappropriate. In those situations, my brain just went to *I'm just going to continue poking this kid on the arm to annoy them* because I had an age appropriate sense of naivity to a certain extent. Which is why, when kids describe a sexual assault, there is a very high chance they are telling the truth because kids don't just make up things like that and it doesn't naturally occur in their brain unless they got exposed to something. So in other words, while I wasn't a weird kid unethically due to the choices and actions I took in these types of situations, I think there is an element of things being unethical or just poorly handled due to a misunderstanding of cultural queues on behalf of how my parents decided to parent. Not understanding boundaries or conflict resolution: This is an area that I think I was unethically a weird kid when I was in elementary school. I think I was labelled as annoying partially because I didn't understand boundaries (going back to the arm poking example). I also didn't understand when or how to stand up for myself (instead my parents told be that if I got picked on to tell the teacher but that made it worse because then I was a tattle tell). So to other kids, I kind of became a doormat at one point. While other times, rather than standing up for myself, I would find myself lashing out over little things and crying easily because of issues at home, which would result in some kids not really wanting to be around me. Unconventional Interests: So here I think there is an ethical and unethical component. I think there were situations where I just had unconventional interests that were harmless and fine but the kids were just unnecessarily mean to me. I liked Pokemon and people thought that was weird since anime wasn't as much of a thing at the Christian private school. I liked the Powerpuff girls and kids thought I was childish for that (which doesn't make sense since we're all like 8 lol). I also liked more tomboyish things despite being a girl and kids thought I was weird for that. But the part that I think dips into unethical category is how I had this *I'm not like other girls* attitude where I thought I was better than other girls for not having girly interests. I think part of this was people picking on me for being a weird kid (so I was trying to reclaim it), part of it was internalized misogyny because of various cultural factors, and part of it was my own mother who modeled this attitude as well. But yeah, I think that I was pretty insufferable at times and I don't blame people for thinking I'm annoying. Middle School: I went over to a different private Christian school except in this place, the student body was more diverse and wasn't particularly religious. As a result, I didn't get the same degree of people having the knee jerk reaction that I was weird. That made me socially mixing up with other kids so much easier. Plus, none of the kids knew me so it was kind of like a fresh start. I was considered weird because of my unconventional interests. I was still insufferable but not so much to where I struggled to make friends. It didn't socially handicap me. I had my own group of friends and I remember as a result being considered one of the "cool weird kids" instead of the "WEIRD weird" kids. This was around the time I was really getting into anime, fanfiction, various fandomsm, Tumblr culture etc. I do think that I would have benefitted from some more guidance and parental involvement in this area. My parents weren't involved because they're boomers and didn't really know the ins and outs of internet culture or the bullshit that was out there. Thankfully, I didn't get groomed by a predator in Omegle or fall down an alt right pipeline. But I did unfortunately discover pro-ana tumblr and I think that gave me permanent brainrot. Overprotective Tendencies and Mental Health Issues: I still didn't do a good job in nurturing my friendships outside of school because of my parents over protective tendencies. I don't think that contributed to people thinking I'm weird but it did stunt me a little socially and made it difficult to open up to people to develop deeper connections. I was also dealing with things like anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, and social anxiety. But it didn't cross into the unethical territory where I was harming people around me as a result. A little cringy, emo, and awkward sure. Did people think I was weird as a result, sure. But I wasn't incel level dangerous and it didn't socially handicap me so badly to where I had no peer relationships. I was considered ugly: Part of it was racism. I had a South Asian guy I like talk shit behind my back and say that he "only dates white girls because brown girls are all ugly." Part of it was my mom not letting me do things like shave, pluck my eyebrows to where I didn't have a unibrow, wear makeup, and just really discourage anything that involved having an interest in my physical appearance. She was afraid that it was going to make me vain and distract me from school. And I'm glad that I was forced to develop a sense of confidence outside of my looks. But at the same time, I would have handled this differently. I liked how the video did talk about ensuring your kids fit in and that sometimes it means buying them the cool clothes, makeup etc. Peer acceptance is important at that age and while I understand wanting to teach you kid to rise above that, I think it's also important to meet them where they're at. Like we can discuss Eurocentric beauty standards and why women are expected to be hairless later on. Let's just do your eyebrows at age 11 when you're getting a unibrow so that you don't have to deal with the headache of the kids at school bullying you. It's a very quick fix lol. Genuinely, I think the eyebrows alone (and maybe a small amount of makeup) would have saved me the trauma of kids picking on me for my appearance. At the same time, I can understand telling your kid no sometimes when they try to fit in if they're asking for something unreasonable like a designer bag that costs a thousand dollars or hell, when they ask you to buy like 10 Stanley cups. In those situations, you need to have a bigger conversation with them regarding consumerism and status symbols and point out that the kids hyperfixating on this to where they are picking on other kids is them being losers. And I also think that taking care of your appearance and paying attention to fashion to a certain extent is also about learning social queues. I'm not saying you gotta wake up at 5 am at age 14 and serve looks every day. But I don't think that having an interest in doing things to improve your appearance should be discouraged unless it's getting to a point where it's harming your mental health and your ability to keep up with your grades. Like I wish I had the mom who didn't yell at me for straightening / curling my hair, who actually taught me how to do my makeup without looking crazy, and who didn't think I was superficial for not wanting to wear certain types of clothes that honestly made me look weird. I was also a little chubby and when I wasn't in my school uniform, this lady basically made me dress business casual and like a mini- middle aged woman who might be a part of a Christian cult because she thought that the clothes that other teenagers were wearing either didn't flatter me or she thought that it made me look like a whore. And yeah, that made me look weird to other kids because me dressing like a middle aged woman socially made me look strange. What / Who I Considered "WEIRD weird" (aka unethically weird): People definitely called me weird in middle school but the majority of people who called me weird didn't do it in a bullying way and more of a "she just has unconventional interests but she's like cool weird." The only people who bullied me for being weird was this group of judgemental teenage girls and a small group of teenage boys who thought I was ugly (which is only really a total of 6-10 people out of like the 75ish people in my private middle school). But there were people who the vast majority of the school thought was weird in the not so great way. One girl, we'll call her Leah, was one of the stereotypical horse girls. But the problem wasn't that she liked horses. That's not what made people hate her initially. The problem was the way that she would be possessive over her friends and get jealous when they wanted to branch out socially outside her, the way that she was casually racist, and the way that she would blow up at people and instigate conflict. Her dad also worked at the school and she would try to use that to her advantage to get people she didn't like in trouble. She also would cuss out and yell at her parents which made her look like a brat. She was also a bit overweight, probably had the tism, and was questioning her sexuality. While I wouldn't say that those 3 things were the reasons why she was hated and considered weird, I would say that those 3 things were very low hanging fruit to bully her for people who didn't like her for legitimate reasons. And I think that we (myself included at times) were very wrong for that. I get that I was literally 12, but if I could go back, I would tell myself that just because you don't like someone, that doesn't give you a free pass to behave unethically towards them. It got bad to where she had to leave school and be homeschooled for like a year to get away from that environment. I think looking back as an adult, I don't hate this girl. I think she was neurodivergent and her parents didn't know how to handle that and as a result, at times they were too soft on her / didn't address her behavior AND she doubled down on her negative tendencies when other kids would react to her initial actions. The reason why she was possessive towards the new kids was because it was like a fresh start for her to bond with kids who didn't know her reputation. On one hand, you could say that was manipulative. But on the other hand, I do think it's a response to being bullied from before and trying to grasp at connection. But then, that sense of possessiveness became a self fulfilling prophecy that pushed those same people away. There was this other boy, we'll call Chase, who was considered weird because he was creepy towards a lot of girls. Like I'm talking violating consent and getting handsy, staring at people, and talking about people in weird sexual ways. I also have a distinct memory of this one time when he was like 10 when he bit someone so hard he drew blood. Even once he got to middle school, he had some violent tendencies. I remember that we got a talk from the adults about how we shouldn't exclude people or bully them (low key it was about this guy since he was always being left out) and I remember having the biggest eye roll because there was a legitimate reason why we thought this kid was weird and why no one wanted to talk to him. But we were labeled as being immature kids who were bullying him. Anyways, years later I found out that he raped a girl in college and got kicked out and his parents are in denial about the whole thing. There was also another guy who was in my friend group (sort of because I eventually distanced myself from this group because they were toxic) who was considered the weird kid and the butt of the joke. He was also kind of chubby and not considered the best looking (and we shouldn't have made fun of him for that). He also had violent tendencies and was creepy towards girls because of how desparate he was (think where my hug at but on steroids). Despite working and having a glow up, he was still really insecure and creepy. He also stalked one of my friends and in high school, would make a bunch of weird sexual comments / advances despite my friend shutting him down multiple times. I also heard that in college that he drugged and raped a girl and that he was part of one of those frats that were notorious of date rape. Highschool: I changed schools once again and this time, I went to the nerdy public school where you could get an associates degree from a community college at the same time you graduated high school. As a result of that and where I'm at in Texas, let's just say that my school was filled with black gay nerds who were politically involved. I wasn't labeled as weird in this environment. I think we were all a bit weird to where no one was considered weird regarding things like race, sexuality, gender expression, or unconventional interests. I remember overhearing a conversation where even the vice principal was joking on how our highschool was like the island of misfit toys compared to the regular highschool in our district. I wouldn't say I socially thrived here either (or was considered "cool") because I had other mental health stuff going on at home to where I wasn't particularly social/ was shy and socially anxious. I didn't really find "my people" here, and I just didn't always mesh in terms of values an world views. I also had a lot of shit going on at home that made it difficult for me to open up and develop deeper relationships, or feel safe/ mentally stable enough to pursue romantic connections. I didn't have any actual adults guiding me through the grief process of losing a loved one which led me to get really isolated from my friends at the time. I had a year or so where I didn't really have friends, but it never got so bad to where I was ostracized by my peers and considered weird. There were a few unethically weird people here and I think they all fall into the neckbeard/ potential school shooter category. College: I went to college in a conservative, predominantly white and wealthy college. This was also during the pandemic. I felt like I was most judged for being weird in this environment. Bro, this was worse than how weird I was considered in elementary school and how traumatizing middle school can be. I was also just surrounded by questionable characters who might have been considered "normal" by larger societal standards (again, rich, white, conventionally attractive, relatively social) but they just moved unethically. I felt incredibly isolated at this time and COVID made things sooo much worse. It's not like I experienced bullying, people being rude, or people blatantly disrespecting me, but I did feel ostracized and like I didn't belong AT ALL. And honestly, most regular people I went to college with or people who visited me from outside of campus recognized how strange this environment was. Genuinely, I felt like the weirdest person there and after I graduated and I was around regular people, I realized how much of a social experiment my college experience felt like. Worklife: I'm mainly around normies here. But I think a lot of normies can get into strange territory when they start believing in dumb shit like conspiracy theories or when people are just politically incoherent and/or apathetic. I don't think anyone considers me weird in the workplace but I do feel out of place at times. I definitely don't think that I can be my full self at work. Here are some factors: COVID socially stunting me mixed with a little social anxiety + a touch of the tism. >> basically mental health My leftist/ socially involved tendencies where I'm like thinking deeply about every little thing and I'm clocking in with an existential crisis like 90% of the time. And the last part is how I don't really care about traditional motivators like saving for a house, making more money, and building my life around a romantic partner and kids.

I find myself contemplating motherhood a lot in terms of me trying to make more long term plans for my life. I'm trying to figure out if this is the path for me, if this is something I should do, and if this is something I'm even cut out for. I also want my thoughts to be organized in one place.