soos_mite_ah

My Favorite Models + Models I Have Made Spiral Dynamics: I feel like my understanding of this model has only deepened over time. I think it's been a good tool to see through the bullshit that is being spewed with the massive ego backlash the world is going through due to the Trump era. I think it's a good way to map out collective trends and see where they are falling short or how they are evolving over time. I had many reasons why I decided to join this forum about 6 years ago but one of my big reasons was that I wanted a space online where I can talk about Spiral Dynamics and people will understand me since no one in my real life knows about this model nor do they have the patience/interest to learn. Four Turnings: I like this theory because of the way that it views history in cycles and seasons as opposed to linearly. I feel like it has helped me make sense of how things have changed over the past few decades, the differences in the cultural ziegiest, where we are right now, and how in a way, it's giving me hope regarding how chaotic our world is. I know I have a huge survival bias regarding why I like Spiral Dynamics and the Four Turnings and how it gives me a sense of predictability, but I still love it nonetheless. 9 Stages of Ego Development: While Spiral Dynamics is better at mapping out development on a collective level, the 9 Stages of Ego Development is better about mapping out the development of individuals and their levels of consciousness. I rewatched the videos recently and a lot of things just started clicking for my journey and personal life, as well as what I observe regarding the people around me. I know I don't mention this model enough in my journals but it is underrated. Brittany Simon's Levels: This is a model I have been enjoying recently as I have been delving into Brittany's content more. I wrote about this in the previous post as to what this consists of. But I do think this can be helpful in realizing how people are engaging with reality, introspection, and exopection. I think my understanding of this model is greatly enhanced by the 9 Stages of Ego Development as well as Spiral Dynamics. Systems I have Made: Character, Personality, Skill Model: One thing that really stuck with me as I was watching Dr. K from Healthy Gamer was this notion that in order to solve problems, you need to have a good understanding of a problem and a proper diagnosis. As someone who has been getting into conflict resolution, I found that this framework is useful in helping me diagnose problems in relationships and how to proceed. The way that the structure of people's lives change after school: I think this is still in progress but being aware of this has helped me cope with understanding why people are acting the way they do after they leave the school environment. It has been essential for me to use this framework so that I don't fall into the name, blame, and shame game that people often fall into as relationships change and drift after school and so that I can identify various logistical and psychological obstacles that can come up when developing adult friendships. Social Competencies: I think this has helped me accurate gage where my social skills are at, where I need to improve, and what to do in order to improve without falling into the trap of creating a specific charicature of a socially competent person and without falling into the trap of moralizing social competencies, social inadequacies, and social awkwardness. It views social skills as muscle you can work, develop, and get stronger rather than viewing social skills as something inherent that you are and aren't born with.

Just created yet another journal since my other journal was getting too long. I've also been wanting a new start and a new space since my last journal was started way back in 2021 when my life was very different from where I'm at right now. Here are my two previous journals for a quick reference/ recap: Psychoanalyzing Myself: 9/1/2021- 12/25/2024 The Joy Journal: 7/19/2020 - 9/7/2021

Brittany Simon's Levels I found Brittany's content about a year ago and based on her language across 2-3 videos I watched, I wanted to know what framework she was talking about throughout her content. I watched this video about a year ago, understood like 60% of it, and then I continued watching other her content since then. I think since watching her content, I have a better grasp as to what she is talking about and I want to summarize my understanding here. What is a bubble?: A bubble is a community built around a sense of perception, paradigmns, and beliefs. What are the Levels?: The levels describe the different people in those bubbles and how they react within and around the bubbles, or their relationship to perception. As a result, it can be a gage of where people are in their introspection/exopection journey. What are the differences between introspection and exospection?: While introspection is when you reflect on your internal world and you ask yourself questions to better understand yourself, exopection is the same thing but for your outerworld and for the people around you. So if I were to introspect about my experiences with racism, I might ask myself how I'm experiencing this, my relationship to racism, and how it's affecting me. If I were to exopect, I might ask myself questions about how other people are experiencing racism, how racism manifests systemically, and how it shows up various other social situations. Level 2: People who are in Level 2 are inside their bubble of perception. There are different ways that this manifests depending on if you're a 2C, 2B, and 2A. I'm going to use fatphobia as an example of a bubble to illustrate how the different 2 levels show up. 2C are in the bottom in the 2 level. They are moving through their existance and are engaging with it without much thought or introspection. A 2C in the fatphobia bubble has unconscious biases they aren't acknowledging, they are engaging with pop culture and they are passively taking in the narratives society is giving about people who are fat or skinny. 2Bs are a step above 2Cs and they are introspecting / exopecting more. The 2B is aware that fatphobia is a thing and they are analyzing their experinces within that perceptual bubble. They can see why they are treated differently based on their size and how fatphobia is impacting society. That's the key, they are still within the bubble, hence why they are still a Level 2. 2As are a step above 2Bs not because they are introspecting more, but because they see the whole bubble and system for what it is from a bird's eye view, rather than breaking out, they're still in the bubble and they want to be in the top of the bubble. So in the fatphobia bubble, a 2A is someone who can see how fatphobia is affecting people. But rather than calling the fatphobia out, they are obsessed with being skinny so that they can reap the benefits of skinny privilege because they want to be at the top of the hiearchy and bubble. A 2B might say *fat phobia is fucked up and it's wrong that people are judged on their size, we need to change the system* while a 2A might say *fatphobia is fucked up and it's wrong that people are judged on their size, but that's just how life is so in order to play the game, you need to looksmax.* This is why a 2B is more likely to break out of their bubble and deconstruct the bubble of fatphobia and become a 3 as opposed to a 2A becoming a 3. 2As are often stuck in the selfishness and the ego of wanting to be at the top of the hiearchy of whatever bubble they are in. And why would they break out of a bubble that they are at the top of? It's possible for them to see the limitations of the bubble and break out, but it's less likely. Level 3: Brittany sees Level 3 as a bridge between Level 2 and Level 4. The way that I understand it is that Level 3 are the bubble hoppers and bubble bursters. Unlike 2s, they see that everything is based off of perceptions and they tend to hop between different perceptions and communities. They are more exploratory and more experimental. To further illustrate Level 3, I'm going to use religion as a bubble. Let's say you have a large bubble of religion. That bubble has a bunch of little bubbles inside of it. You have the Christianity bubble, the Judaism bubble, the Islamic bubble, the Hindu bubble, the Buddist bubble, the Atheist bubble etc. Those bubbles also have smaller bubbles. Hindusim has a lot of regional variations and each of those are bubbles. I have also met a wide variety of Hindus across the different spiral dynamic stages on how they express their religion, and those are different bubbles. All of the religions and all of the different groups within those religions have a different perceptual paradigm and framework they opperate out of. Religion itself is it's own bubble. A Level 3 recognizes this in hops across different bubbles and in and out of the bubbles. I'll use myself as an example. I was born within the bubble of Hinduism, specifically Shaktism that is the form of Hinduism that is practiced in the region of Bengal. I hopped out of that bubble as I interacted with people of different faiths. I also hopped around within the Hindu bubble as I was exposed to other communities who practice Hinduism differently than I do. I also hopped out of the Hindu bubble, then into the Christian and Islamic bubbles, and interacted with various groups of people within those bubbles. I have interacted with Protestants, Catholics, Orthodox Christians, Christians from different countries, Christians from different degrees to which they practiced their religion. I have interacted with Shia and Sunni Muslims. I have interacted with a range of Muslims from the people who cover everything but their eyes and don't believe in engaging with the opposite sex to the Muslims who are mostly secular and are more so culturally Muslim to where they will literally get drunk every weekend but draw the line at pork. I have interacted with Muslims whose families are from the Middle East versus Muslims from South Asia. The path for Level 3s is that as they are hopping around different bubbles and communities are the following: They either stay a 3 where they are hopping around indefinitely. Some eventually find a bubble they consider their home, settle down there, and rather than see it as a bubble, they see it as an objective/ accurate view of reality. Once they view a bubble as not a bubble but an objective and accurate view of reality, they drop back down to Level 2. Which is totally fine. You can live as a 2 and have a healthy and fulfilling life, but that is largely dependent on which bubble you settle down in and how coherent that perception and pardigmn is. You can be a Level 2 and subscribe to a white nationalist Christian bubble. Or, you can be a Level 2 and subscribe to a more expansive Christian bubble that accepts gay people and is relatively progressive like Pope Leo. Then they're are some Level 3s who hop around bubbles long enough to realize that the world is nothing but bubbles and then they have an existential crisis and turn into Level 4s. I'll go into the existential crisis about Level 4s in a little bit. But basically, the reason why 3s are a bridge between Level 2 and Level 4 is because 3s either remain 3s and stay on the bridge, they go back to being a 2 or they go on to being a 4. Level 4: Level 4s realize that life is nothing but perception and as a result, it feels like the rug got pulled out from under them because there is no objective reality. We all subscribe to some kind of paradigm. Going back to the religion bubble example, a Level 4 might get out of their original bubble of Hinduism, then explore other bubbles, pop out of those bubbles and then they see religion as a larger bubble of it's own. Then they pop out of the religion bubble and realize that the bubbles are endless because human perception is endless. They are still subject to much broader bubbles like thought, language, and the limits of the human mind and experience. And this freaks them out and they feel ungrounded. This is often where people get into really bad existential crisis around nihilism where they think nothing matters because they cannot get to an objective truth. They might fall into solipsism, think nothing is real, and become neurotic as a result of said realizations. The thing with Level 4s is that they either die as 4s because of how bad the existential crisis is, or they progress into becoming Level 5s. They cannot go back and become a 2 or a 3 because once they see that everything is perception and they see the endless bubbles, they cannot undo that realization. Level 5: Level 5s are more chill Level 4s who have made peace with their realizations and they can differentiate between objective and relative truths. As a result, instead of resisting the bubbles like the 4s, they can accept and embrace them. They might bubble hop like a 3, and settle into a bubble like a 2 but what differentiates them from the 3 or a 2 is the journey they went on when they went to Level 4. Even when they engage with different perspectives, there is an element of *hey I'm engaging with this paradigm rather than subscribing to it.* Think of it has a Level 5 doesn't live in any one bubble rather they exist as a 5 and then every now and then, they come back down to the Level 2s, engage with the community and perpectives, and then return back to their 5 home. Level 5s can be healthy or unhealthy. I think Brittany is a good example of a 5 but so is Leo Gura. But I would say that Brittany is a healthier 5 because of the way that she deconstructs things like patriarchy, and ableism whereas even though Leo can understand things from a 5 perspective, he still engages with the redpill / pickup train of thought. This is why I would say that 5s aren't necessarily superior to the other levels. You can still have very significant blindspots as a 5 even if you are seeing things at a much more birds eye view. However, there is a correlation between being a higher level and being more conscious. It's highly unlikely that you will see a 5 Trump supporter because if you can see all these different perspectives and be chill about it, it's unlikely that you will have the ego and the survival desirees that will compell you to vote for Trump in the first place. You can be a Level 2 and lead a much healthier and much more fulfilling life than some Level 3s and Level 4s. I will say that Spiral Dynamics, while it measures consciousness, doesn't map out super well on Brittany Simon's levels because Sprial Dynamics itself is a bubble of it's own. There are correlations. I think you can be at Level 2 and be anywhere on the spiral. I think Level 3s tend to be orange and beyond. Orange can still be experimental and explorative even though it's still stuck in the materialist paradigm. Green is often characterized as being multicultural and there is an element of bubble hopping there. Yellow and Turquoise are characterized with being multiperspectival. Level 4s and Level 5s are typicallly stage Green and beyond. They might have hang ups in the previous stages but you need to be able to see multiple perspectives and not be bound down by the materialist paradigm. I will say that I think Brittany's Levels map out better in Susan Cook Greuter's 9 Stages of Ego Development. People who are in the Impuslive, Opportunist, Conformist, Expert, and Achiever stages are likely to be in Level 2. Where in Level 2 they are can depend on that individual and how they interact with the bubble or how much they introspect. A Conformist can usually be at 2C because of their lack of introspection on what they are conforming to, or they can be a 2A where they conform so hard because they want to be at the top of the hiearchy. When I think of a Conformist 2A, I often think of Betty Draper from Mad Men who is a typical 1950s housewife who understands the social rules really well but rather than break out of it, she doubles down. Opportunists and Achievers are often at 2As as well because of their desire to be at the top of the hiearchy. However, depending on how healthy someone in the Achiever stage is, where they are in the spiral, and their extent of selfishness they can also be a 2B. The post conventional stages like the Pluralist, Strategist, and Construct Aware stages tend to be Level 3 and beyond. The Pluralist and the Strategist are aware of the bubbles and are deconstructing. They might drop down to a 2 or they might continue to become a 4. Construct Aware and the Transcendent Unitive stages can often Level 4 and 5 depending on how healthy they are. You can also be a Level 3 Construct Aware but if you're here, it's likely you aren't super deep into the Construct Aware stage in terms of life experience and embodiment. As a Level 3, you might theoretically understand the Construct Aware Stage and empathize with it, in the same way you can theoretically understand Level 4 and 5 and empathize, but you yourself haven't gone through the existential crisis stage that a Level 4 has, hence the lack of life experience and embodiment. F Finally, after talking about Levels 2-5, I guess it's understandable to ask about Level 1. Level 1s are rare and hard to pin down hence why I have left it to be the last level I discuss. Level 1s don't engage with the bubbles and exist outside of them. Unlike the Level 5s who also exist out of the bubbles, Level 1s don't do the introspection work. I would compare Level 1 and Level 5 as the difference between a monk who has achieved no mind through meditation and enlightenment versus someone who is in the state of no mind due to not putting in effort and just being spiritually unconscious. When Level 1s critique the bubbles, it's a critique from below while when Level 5s critique the bubbles, it's a critique from above. Level 1s lack introspection / exopection even more than 2Cs. 2Cs still engage with their surroundings and are a capable of being functioning human beings to a certain extent even if they are a little unconscious. A Level 1 doesn't engage at all. Someone could be at Level 1 due to really shitty life circumstances and then when those circumstances improve, they can move up to a 2C and beyond. However, there are a lot of cases where Level 1s stay Level 1s even with all the resources in the world because they refuse to help themselves or the people around them. That's why Level 1s aren't necessarily fallen 2Cs, rather they can be a category of consciousness of their own. It's not a disability thing. You can have a mental or emotional disability and still be a Level 2 and beyond. It's not a matter of high functioning or low functioning. It's a lack of engagement. There is some kind of philosophical bug Level 1s have that is hard to pin down that even Brittany has trouble articulating even though she is picking up on it. I feel like personally, I'm at a Level 3. I like hopping between bubbles and going in and out of bubbles. And I think for me, part of the reason why I do this is because I feel epistemically homeless and I'm looking for a bubble to settle in and "find my people" so to speak. I wouldn't be surprised if I drop down to a 2 later on nor do I mind it. I think I have a sense of contentment regarding where I'm at on the spiral, where I'm at in the ego development stages, and where I'm at in the levels. I think that seeing the levels and not seeing it as a hiearchy where a 4 is better than a 2 is for example is a better understanding about the levels and is an indication that you're not wrapped up in the paradigm of hierachy and the ego games that come along with it, rather you can see the nuances of how well each level manifests. And I think that seeing the nuances is easier if you are exposed to things like Spiral Dynamics and the Ego Development Stages. And yes, even if I can theoretically and emotionally empathize with Level 4 and 5, I can't say that understanding is coming from a place of embodiment or life experience. Whenever I read threads on this forum about solipsism, I can piece together what people are talking about but I cannot relate. I feel like there is a chance that I might get to Level 4 and 5 if I do psychedelics. But before I make a move like that, I think it would be a good idea to read up on various nondual teachings and concepts so that I can better navigate in Level 4 instead of having a freak out at Level 4 and dying and get to a more chill Level 5 in a less painful path.

A Letter to my 21 Year Old Self I was in the mood to read my old journal that I wrote in from July 2020 to August 2021. I was expecting it to be much more cringe than it was. There were a couple of moments where I caught myself rolling my eyes, but they were few and far between. The thing that inspired me to write this post was the following part of an entry where I was wondering where I would be at 26: I laughed when I got to this part. Yup, here I am at 26 reporting for duty. I remember when writing this, I was writing about all the ways that the pandemic fucked up my college experience, how I thought I would have been further along in life by now, and as a result, how if 16 year old me saw me at 21 she would burst out in tears. As I was reading this entire journal, I found myself thinking I had come a long way in terms of the overall quality of my life and my ability to cope. I was so much more stressed, anxious and depressed when writing in The Joy Journal compared to where I am now. And if I could send a letter to my 21 year old self, the first thing I would do is reassure her regarding her fears for the future. You found stable employment very shortly after college. It's not a job in my desired field but it does pay enough and it isn't a *head empty no thoughts* kind of job. You were able to live on my own for 2 years in Dallas and then you moved in with my boyfriend. You got into this relationship back in May 2022 and y'all have been going strong ever since. He is incredibly smart, competent, gentle, and genuine. He lives up to a lot of the stuff that you have written in your journal about what kind of man you wanted as your first relationship. And you're pretty good in a romantic relationship. I know you were scared at first because of the sketchy people you have encountered, the weird men and manosphere bubbles you encountered on the internet, and you were doubting your own judgement as well as ability to have a healthy and happy relationship. I want to say that you found a safe person despite all that and that you have done so much work both independentally through journalling, therapy, meditating, and self inquiry to where this relationship has been incredibly smooth. You did manage to make friends in college and you were able to study abroad. Those were really good experiences for you and you grew a lot. You also travelled quite a bit after college as well. You're still figuring out some elements of how to navigate friendship in adulthood but you're still in a pretty good spot. You have a ton of money saved up and you're financially stable and responsible. You have gotten a couple of promotions at work as well. And yes, you have had challenges since then and the world is still in a messed up place, but you're navigating that in a much more level headed way. You are still capable of being cordial with your parents but you do still keep quite a bit of distance from them. Yes, this was hard to deal with emotionally and I know you were thinking about going no contact, but you found boundaries and ways of dealing with them in a way that works for you. And honestly, getting your own place was a huge piece to that puzzle. You're still figuring things out in your life, but you have come a long way. Everything is going to be alright. I think reading this journal was in interesting experience. I'm really thankful that I captured a moment in my life so completely in that journal. Reading it felt so familiar and so jarringly different at the same time. It felt familiar in the sense that I don't have a radically different world view when you compare my writing from 2021 to 2026. It's not like I went from being a red pill guy to a feminist. But when I was reading the posts there, I found myself thinking *oh that's when I came up with that conclusion/ had that insight* when I came across things that feel like common sense to me now. I also feel like there is this overanalyzing/ anxious part of my personality that shines through my writing both in 2021 and 2026. I have a lot of the same values and same degree of depth that I look at the world around me. Like reading this journal felt like I was tracking my sense making process in real time because of the way that my writing took me back to 2021. I still largely feel the same way in this post. I would make a few tweaks regarding what I'm aspiring towards because I think my values manifest a little differently now. But my values and the things that bring me joy and fulfillment are largely the same 5 years later: While I feel like the sense making part of my brain is the same, the parts about the journal that feel jarringly different include my emotional state/ wellbeing, my life circumstances, and the amount of life experience I have had since then. My job, though stressful and frustrating at times, is no where near as stressful as my college years during the pandemic. I am no where near suicidal, I'm not having panic attacks, I can fulfill most of my adult responsibilities on a regular basis, and I have some time to breathe on a day to day basis. Socially, I'm in a much better place platonically and romantically. And I am so thankful for my opportunities to travel, gain work experience, and gain a sense of independence in living on my own. And I have a HUGE sense of gratitude for having my own apartment and having financial stability. That was a very big game changer in terms of my overall wellbeing on so many levels. On a less positive note, I still found myself thinking I'm still dysfunctional in some ways that is similar to 2021, but that dysfunction manifests a bit differently and much less intensely. I am still socially anxious. The anxiety back then stemmed from a lack of social experience, shame from my life circumstances, and a not so great self image. The anxiety now stems from me being rusty with some social skills and me having uncertainty around adult friendships due to how much the landscape of life changes after you graduate school. I still have trouble seeing myself as the main character and having that sense of outward confidence. But unlike 2021, in 2026 it doesn't inhibit me from doing what I need to do and going after what I want in my life. I am still someone who is in my head a lot and who analyzes things to death. But in 2026, I would say that I'm much more in healthier place regarding stage yellow to where I'm not experiencing a lot of the drawbacks with that stage. And yes, I still feel angsty about the pandemic. Though I feel like I have come a long way since then and it feels like it was a lifetime away, I can still see the ways it altered my development and the socialization of the people around me. Things are still pretty weird socially, politically, and economically. With all that being said and considering the stuff in my life I'm trying to figure out, I have a few questions for 31 year old me: How are you? Where are you in your life? Do we still live in Dallas? Are we still with him? How are your friendships going? What are your feelings around parenthood? What has happened in the world since 2026? Did things calm down at all or did things just get crazier?

I find myself contemplating motherhood a lot in terms of me trying to make more long term plans for my life. I'm trying to figure out if this is the path for me, if this is something I should do, and if this is something I'm even cut out for. I also want my thoughts to be organized in one place.

I think the way people travel and why can vary a lot. Some people travel to relax, lie on a beach, or stay in a resort for a few days. Some people travel to widen their perspective. For some, travel is escapism, for others, it's a form of education. A lot of it has to do with what people value and what experiences people seek out. I've seen situations where people act super well traveled but even though they have been to 20+ countries, they're still closed minded, their trips were glorfied international benders, or their style of travel is just an extention of their consummerism. I agree. I have also met a ton of people who have learned a lot from their travels and have gotten new perspectives from the different cultures and histories they have interacted with. Plus, travelling can also be a good way to break from your routine and rewire old patterns you have had by going to a different setting for a little bit. I remember growing up, since my parents liked to travel domestically, they took me on a bunch of trips to see various sites around the U.S. and tie it back to what I was learning in school. Some of the most memorable trips include when we went to Hawaii to check out the volcanos, when we went to Gettysburg to learn about the Civil War, and when we went to various sites across New Mexico that preserved the dwellings and ways of life for Native Americans. Most of the trips my family did involved a full itinerary where we were out and about all day or driving around. We mainly stayed at kind of sketchy motels, ate breakfast at the motel, and then had an early dinner to keep costs low.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/michaelgoldstein/2024/02/22/women-love-to-travel-men-not-so-much/ I saw a number of sources talking about how women are travelling solo more than ever. I'm a little iffy about the stats because some articles say that 60% of solo travellers are women while other articles say the number is as high as 85%. The common reason that is cited as to why this is the case is because women have more freedom now and since women were more restricted in the past, women see travelling as more of an empowering thing to do on their own and celebrate the freedom they have now. But as I was reading these articles, rather than wondering why there are so many women travel, I was wondering why men don't travel as much. Granted this is anecdotal experience, but in my family in my generation, I noticed the women traveled alone more often and are more well travelled. I have also noticed something similar in my social circle as well and this is true in my romantic relationship. I have travelled internationally numerous times and I have gone to about 26 out of 50 states in the US. My boyfriend on the other hand never traveled abroad and doesn't really care to unless he was with me or with family. I think a lot of it has to do with our personal life experiences regarding our difference in the way we view travel. He mentioned that the type of travel that he was exposed to growing up wasn't a super engaging form of travel. Either they would visit family or lay on the beach. His dad did frequently travel internationally but it was only for work. He mentioned that prior to listening to my travel experiences and the way I experienced travel growing up, to him travel seemed much more passive in a recreational context or something that had to be done for a specific utility such as visiting friends and family or for work. While my boyfriend isn't a super hustle culture kind of person, as we were brainstorming, we were thinking that a lot of guys think that if there isn't a specific utility for travel, it's seen as pointless. Like I wouldn't be surprised if some guys fall into the mindset of travel being this frivolous thing that wastes time and money that could otherwise be used to further their financial and career goals since men put more weight on that regarding their sense of self. I later talked to a guy friend who is really into travel and who comes from similar experiences as myself. His reasoning was that women tend to value adventure and whimsy more then men and that a lot of men struggle with being in their own company and genuinely enjoying that regarding exploring their inner world and introspecting. I pointed out that often times, people think that the stereotypes between men and women are reversed compared to what he thinks and then we discussed how a lot of stereotypes between men and women are flipping compared to what they were about 25 years ago. Like for example, I remember in the 90s and early 2000s there was a whole trope telling women to not mention or bring up how much they want marriage and kids because then it will scare the men away and you won't be the cool girl. But now, men are more likely to want things like marriage and kids while women are hesitant. Single women are also outpacing men when it comes to homeownership as well as in terms of getting a higher education. Since this is a male dominated forum, I was wondering what y'all think.

Experiencing My 20s during the 2020s This video came up on my recommended and I found myself relating to this more than expected. Sure, my life isn't as chaotic as a literal war breaking out in my home soil, but I do feel like I have been living through quite a chaotic period of history. The thing that feels disorienting but also grounding is the way that regular life interweaves itself between these big historical, unprecedented events. I wrote about this before: The video starts with explaining how "The city became empty. War became the background noise of everyday life. Plans disappeared. And suddenly, everything felt unfamiliar." I have written in the past how the vibe has never "returned to normal" after COVID, how people aren't as social, and how people, particularly young people are being socialized weird. Everyone is just going through it and it's kind of hard to regularly be a part of each others lives and make plans with people when most people are being over worked and under paid. The various forms of chaos does feel like background noise to everyday life whether that be regarding ICE terrorizing people, the Epstein files getting released, the gradual enshittification of everything around me, and more. Like I can see the videos coming out of Gaza as I'm writing emails at work. There is an element of desensitization that occurs from constant chaos and the expectation to carry on as if nothing is happening. And all of these things also contribute to this feeling of unfamiliarity. I have memories of a more stable time and I have a concept of what life after college was like pre-pandemic, but that's all I have, memories and a concept. And they don't match up with what's going on right now. But those memories and concept is still more than what some people have whether that is because of the severity of their situation or because they are too young to remember much before the Trump administration. The video continues. "We learned fast. How to tape the windows. People still found ways to be creative. Stored canned food in the kitchen. Ready meals and extra waters in case the power went out. And the explotions kept going. Every conversation ended with "did you hear the news?" While I'm not here literally taping windows and storing unperishable foods, I do feel like due to the chaos around me, I feel compelled to be mindful of my spending and consumption. I do know basic safety precautions regarding protests. I am protecting my information and doing what I can to evade mass surveillance. I think in recent years I have been focused much more about the practicality, sustainability, and responsibility of my decisions over doing things out of imagination, fantasy, impulse, and creativity. Part of it might be me getting older. But I do think that a large chunk of it is also the chaos around me. I think it's seen as expected to take risks , do big things, and live life to your fullest in your 20s. You travel. You live alone. You're always out with friends and you're dating constantly. You're trying new jobs and moving to new cities. And don't get me wrong, those things still happen because life doesn't stop even when shit hits the fan and regular life interweaves through the chaos. But young people these days broadly speaking are more likely to live with their parents well into their 20s, they're having less sex, they're hanging out with people less, and people are more pratical about getting a job as opposed to their dream job according to what they studied. I think the way that this video is shot, the way that the silence feels eerie but also comforting, safe, and a breeding ground for slow living and mindfulness is a good depiction of the day to day life in my 20s. This depiction is much closer to the reality of my 20s compared to the stories that I have heard from older adults who would party, sleep in til 12, and be out til 2 am even on the week days when they were in their 20s since they had more time and energy to be wilding out as their 20s occured in a more stable time politically and economically. And as I'm finding more responsible and sustainable ways to live to find stability and grounding in my own life, the chaos still keeps going on. And current events are a common topic of conversation with my friends as we try to give each other space to vent and as we try to process things / make sense of things together. Then the video discusses day to day life. "The internet was gone. I lost my main job, and couldn't even stay active on YouTube. So suddenly, I had nowhere to go, nothing to work on, too much time to think. Making tea constantly just to feel like time was still moving. Morning tea. Afternoon tea. Late night tea. The TV stayed on all day. Switching channels again and again. At night, everything felt heavier. Sometimes the explosions sounded so close. Sometimes they were massive. Thankfully, I still have my job and some semblance of stable employment. But that's not the reality for most people I know regardless of how accomplished or hardworking they are. Some times I feel like I'm playing a game of musical chairs where the chairs are jobs and the people around me are getting out in each round and I'm wondering how tf I still have a chair and how it's probably inevitable that I might lose my chair soon as well. And yeah, I have seen how unemployment can effect people in terms of messing with their routines and giving them too much time to think. Like sure it's hard to push through work when you have a million things happening out there in the world. But it's also hard not having work to occupy you from the million things happening or give you some structure in your day. The way that the creator describes making tea and watching TV all day while switching through the channels makes me think of how much the wellness trends sky rocketed during and after the pandemic as people are trying to find routines to ground them. And while I'm not watching TV, that part just reminded me of my doom scrolling and me watching various content creators like Vaush comment on what's going on. While I'm not dealing with literal explotions outside, sometimes what I do see feel heavier and things hit close to home in terms of the way it's affecting the people around me. I know people who are struggling to find work. I know people whose education was disrupted due to funding being revoked. I know people who have family in Palestine who were killed. I know people who were tear gassed during the Black Lives Matter protests. I know people who lost their loved ones to COVID or who are suffering from the effects of long COVID. I know people who were a connection or two away from victims of gun violence and mass shootings. And of course, it's very human for things to emotionally feel heavier at night as you're processing everything that is going on. The tone shifts. "But somehow, light always finds its way back. Home felt safest. So we stayed inside. Doing ordinary things like cooking mostly light meals because I didn't have the energy to work out during the war. Painting became my favorite escape. After a while, your body stops reacting to the sounds. You hear the sound. You pause for a second. Then continue what you were doing. It's strange what humans can get used to isn't it." I think this is another example of trying to ground yourself in day to day mundane activities and maintaining basic functioning. There are times when I'm not on top of healthy habits like working out due to the way that my mental energy gets depleated with everything going on. But I find other ways to ensure I'm taking care of myself. I think it's also good to engage in healthier forms of escapism and hobbies as well to regulate your emotions and process what's happening. Rather than painting, it's writing and learning about different cultures for me. And yes, it's strange on what people can get used to. That's both in the sense of being resilient and having healthy ways of dealing with things but also in the sense of desensitization and apathy. The video continued. "Then, somewhere in the middle of all of this, spring arrived. The trees didn't know there was a war. They bloomed anyway. Rain started falling again. Soft spring light filled the house. And somehow, Nowruz arrived too. The very old new year celebration for Iranians. So we set the Haft-Seen table with 7 things that start with the letter S in Persian. Tried to create tiny moments of happiness by little things. Not because everything was okay. I think people need small beautiful things to survive difficult days." I feel like this is a good depiction of various holidays that come up during chaotic times. New Years have come and gone, and so have Valentines Day, the 4th of July, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. And of course there are still birthdays, weddings, and various other celebrations. The seasons change and special occasions still happen. They don't negate what's going on and you don't forget or get distracted, but it is a way to give yourself a break. And in addition to that, I do try to create small moments of happiness in the form of mindfulness throughout the day even outside of special occasions. The video then wrapped up with "We mostly stayed home. And honestly, since everything became very expensive, instead of going to cafes, we mostly made coffee at home. But spring outside was impossible to ignore. The weather became softer. The days became longer. And after staying inside for so long, sometimes we just needed to leave the house for an hour. So we visited nearby places. Met friends, talked about life for a while. And sometimes, between all the fear and uncertainty, there were still beautiful scenes. Because even during the darkest days, life finds small ways to remind you it's still worth living. The war isn't over yet. Neither is life." In addition to being mindful, engaging in hobbies, not shutting yourself off from joy in special occasions, doing what you can to take care of yourself and process things, it's also good to force yourself out of the house sometimes and socialize. It can be expensive. I feel like I spend $20 everytime I leave my place. So while I'm not doing it super often, I am going out enough to ensure I don't go crazy, whether craziness is in the form of being cooped up in my apartment, or in the form of being overly frugal and survival oriented. Basically, I think this section highlights the overall importance of this whole video which is to go touch grass.

Choosing Parenthood According to My Values I did Leo's life purpose course a while back where I had to define my top 10 values. That list has been a good tool in terms of keeping me grounded, in terms of helping me identifying what I need to be changing in my life to have a sense of fulfillment, and in terms of guiding me through difficult choices where I felt conflicted. I did a post about me trying to decide what I do about my family relationships as well as what to do regarding plastic surgery according to how they align with my values: So here is how I'm analyzing the stance 'Yes I should be a parent": Authenticity: IDK I think after journaling about this for a while that I'm at a place at this moment where I need more life experience before making a decision like this. I feel like I need to travel around more and find more of a sense of community/friendship/ belonging before my desires become clear to me. Part of me thinks that if I travel around and have more of a sense of community that I will want to be a parent because my desire is coming from a healthy and constructive place of wanting to share an already fulfilling life with someone. But another part of me thinks that if I travel around and have more of a sense of community, that my desire to be a parent might wane since I have created a more fufilling life for myself. Awareness: IDK I feel like I need to find out whether my desire to be a parent is authentic to me or not before I can answer yes or no to this. I feel like parenthood can make you more conscious if you genuinely want it but it can make you less conscious if it was pushed on you and you didn't think things through. Justice/Truth: N/A I'm not moralizing the act of reproducing. I also think that I am capable of being a good parent. I think the timing of having a kid in today's climate is questionable and whether or not it's an ethical decision is up for debate depending on a number of factors. Empathy: Aligned I feel drawn to parenthood because I want to guide someone through life and I want to expand my capacity of empathy. I'm intrigued by how people grow and develop and I would love to be a part of that. I would love to get to know a kid for who they are and experience life through their eyes and their experiences Joy: IDK The thing that makes this a difficult decision is because I can imagine a joyful life either way. Peace: IDK On one hand the lack of peace seems temporary once you adjust to parenthood and so long as your kid isn't a screamer. So I can still imagine having a sense of peace of mind even when I'm a parent. But also, I can see situations where being a parent and having responsibility over a kid would also multiply any stressor I might have in my life. Creativity: N/A Connecting with people: Aligned I care about stepping into a mentorship type role to the people around me including kids which is one of the attractive parts of being a parent. I think part of it is because I am growing up and I want to hold myself to a higher standard in my community. I don't know if this means that parenthood is the way I would want to fulfill this role, but it is something I am considering. I also care about creating, maintaining, and nurturing long term relationships and I think becoming a parent is about as long term as it can get. Learning: Aligned I feel like I would learn a lot through parenthood about people, kids, and the over all human experience. Freedom: Not Aligned Ok, this might sound contradictory since a lot of people see parenthood as a restrictive thing because of all of the things you will need to take into consideration when you have a child. And I did as well at one point. But I feel like as I get older and I get more life experience, I don't feel like parenthood will mean losing my freedom because I will have done most of what I wanted to do before the restrictions get placed onto me. In other words, I see parenthood as restrictive like there are boundaries around my life, but I don't see it as something robbing me of my freedom like shackles. So while I can see the choice for pursuing parenthood as aligned for freedom, I think I will have to go with not aligned regarding where I'm at with my life right now. At the same time, I feel like going back to the point I made on Peace, I feel like if I were to be in a messed up life situation, the logistics around the kid and parenthood can be a big limitting factor. And that does concern me macro. In the micro, I do like having my own schedule and flexibility. I like being able to go to the coffee shop whenever I want, have a late night, have a weird eating schedule etc. Totals: IDK: 4 N/A: 2 Aligned: 3 Not Aligned: 1 At this time, I feel like I'm leaning towards a yes but I think that might be because my brain is focusing on the 3 items that are aligned and the 1 that isn't. I think it's important that I consider that I am scoring a 4 in the IDK category meaning there is a good amount of exploration that needs to be done and life experience that needs to be acquired. So while I am leaning yes, that doesn't mean it's a definitive yes and that I should make decisions in my life accordingly because of the number of IDKs.

The Best Case Scenario Lately, I have been in a brighter mindset where motherhood doesn't seem like all doom and gloom. Like I feel like if I had a good amount of preparation and a dash of good luck in life that being a mother might not seem all that bad. I have been watching some videos of women who had their kid in their mid 30s with proper planning and consideration to where you can tell they REALLY thought about having a kid. The best case scenario for parenthood is if I have my kid in my mid 30s or later. I am financially stable and able to handle most things. I have a supportive partner who is an active parent. I have a village in the form of friends. We live in a walkable city. I have lived my life to the fullest prior to having this kid. I am physically fit with no health issues. Pregnancy, labor, and post partum, though difficult, are relatively smooth. Sure the first 3 years is hell but I am able to maintain an active lifestyle because my kid is energetic, I have my own hobbies that I either share with my kid or I do on my own to have time to myself. I am far enough in my career to where I can take a step back and ask for accommodations without it risking opportunities. My kid sees me as someone who has a life outside of the home, who has their own identity in addition to being a mother, who has an amazing relationship with their dad, who is self sufficient careerwise and financially, and who has a social life that turns into a sense of community for them as well. My partner is alive during their entire childhood. We are financially stable. And my child doesn't have any severe disabilities that would prevent them from typical developmental milestones or prevent them from having basic autonomy. They don't see a woman who is stressed out and doesn't have time for themselves. They don't see a woman who is only reduced to being a mother. They don't see a woman who is trapped by her own circumstances into a marriage. Rather, they have a good trusted role model who is guiding them through life and who is a safe person to go to. They see an adult who has a lot of their life figured out and who they can go to for advice rather than a woman in her early 20s who is just trying to figure out how to be an adult. As for what kind of kid I want. I want one child. That child can be of either gender but personally I prefer a girl because I feel like if I had a boy, I would REALLY have to lock in. I would want this kid to have structure in their early years and outlets to run around so that they are less likely to act out. I would want them to be multilingual and gain those language skills from the way my partner and I talk to the kid and the media they are exposed to. I would want them to have minimal screen time so that they have the time to be bored and cultivate their own interests. I would want to have a kid who is confident and isn't afraid to talk back and assert themselves even if it's inconvenient for me. I don't want a kid who will be blindly obedient rather I want to teach them over time so that they can build their own understanding. I would want to raise them gender neutral and expose them to both "girl" and "boy" toys and books so that they don't feel limitted and so that they can relate to all genders. Yes, I want to read a princess book to my son and have him play with dolls because I think that can also help his social and emotional development so that he sees girls as full and complete people and that he is socialized to value relationships and empathy the same way girls are based on the media they consume and the way they play. I would want to take them to the library once a week to get books for the rest of the week for bed time stories and for the day time when they are free. I want to encourage them to have an open mind and to have a positive association with learning. I want to include them in house hold activities whether that means they can watch me cook from a far or have them pitch in with a few chores around the household. I want them to grow up to be educated, responsible, kind, considerate, and confident regardless of what path they choose in life or how their personality develops. I want to give the kid solid access to opportunities and make sure that my finances and retirement are in order so that I won't be overly reliant on them when they're older and have their own life. I know I said I want to raise them in a walkable community but I also want to raise them in a relatively diverse area so that they are exposed to a wide variety of people. Yes I want them to have a good education, but I don't want it to be at the cost of them being in some kind of bougie private school where they're only around wealthy (and often predominantly white) kids. I want them to have a healthy realtionship with their own culture and travel to visit their extended family abroad about once every 2 years. Speaking of travel, I also want to take them on little trips domestically in the U.S. based on what they are learning in school (take them to Pennsylvania when they are learning about Gettysburg and the Civil War, or take them to Hawaii when they are learning about volcanos). Lowkey, I would want a gay kid. I grew up around a lot of queer kids and I myself am a little queer. So I think that would be nice to have in common with my kid. And also, that means I wouldn't have to worry about teen preganancy. But I hope that by the time my kid is old enough to know they are gay that society would have progressed far enough to where they don't need to go through the process of coming out to me and instead can just treat being queer as a basic and mundane thing. I also sometimes imagine sharing various stories from my youth, especially since I travel a lot, with my kid. I imagine telling them what I have encountered and gone through as well as all the types of people I have come across. I imagine having difficult conversations with them regarding things they are encountering in their lives and being able to relate to that because I have a wealth of life experience.

Stage Yellow Lonliness I wrote this 6 years ago (funny enough almost to the day): I dealt with a lot of lonliness in my late teens and very early 20s (like from the ages of 17 to 21) because of the amount of self development work I did, various life circumstances that made me grow up faster than my peers, and because I was at the infancy of moving into stage yellow. Later, I decided to put spirituality to the side because I started jumping into things prematurely and I thought it would be good for me to work on basic socialization so that I have some good relationships and that my baseline survival needs were being met. In order to pursue healthy relationships, I decided to opt to building relationships with people who had a good integration of both orange and green as opposed to seeking out people at yellow. I did this because I thought it would be more realistic considering it's a rarity for people in their very early 20s to be at stage yellow and I didn't want to be isolated. So that's what I did from ages 21 to 25. Hanging out with people who have well integrated orange and green was preferrable to people who were mostly in green with a weak orange or people who were orange with a weak/early stage green. The toxicity of the person who was mostly green with weak orange often falls under the archetype of the type of person who has good values and leftist politics but also cannot do basic life things like hold down a job, have a basic sense of discipline so they aren't eating chicken nuggies all day, and doesn't have the best interpersonal skills in terms of managing their life in tandem with their social obligations. Another archetype of someone who is mostly green with weak orange is the free range hippy who means well but then falls into various wellness fads and then starts talking shit about vaccines since they don't understand science and they are falling prey to conspiracy theories because they don't know how the world works. Then there is a certain kind of toxity from people who are mainly orange with a weak/early stage green. I feel like these are the people who talk about stage green ideals but they don't really mean what they say and it doesn't pan out in their day to day actions. And most of the time, their stage orange tendencies shine through much more strongly to where I personally have trouble connecting to them on a personal level even though I can socialize with them. I feel like I talk about both groups more in depth in the post below: I would say that the people who are well integrated to orange and green tend to avoid the most common pitfalls and that in the past, it was a good alternative to being around stage yellow people. But now, I'm seeing limitations of this as well. I never saw a well integrated orange/green and someone who is firmly at stage yellow as the same but the difference in my personal life is becoming more prominant now. I feel like in times of stress, some well integrated orange/green people drop back down to orange. I also think that this group of people can fall into prey to a lot of progressive washing conservative ideals. Like I said in the post above: And while my friends aren't falling for the trad wife craziness, the conspiracy theories, and the crunchy pipeline, I do feel like I have done a good job in making sure my friends don't accidentally find themselves on those paths. I will credit that part of it is that I'm able to see how stage blue, orange, and green are interacting with each other and how to parse out each stage in the content that I'm consuming. But I feel like there is a certain lonliness about being right too early. Like what you have to say goes over peoples heads to a certain extent and they never fully see you and your perspective. But then, once they arrive to the conclusion themselves much later on, instead of thinking *I told you so haha*, you think *damn, you could have avoided this whole nonsense and our relationship didn't have to take a hit like this.* Sometimes the hit in question is head on conflict but often times, the hit in question is having to give people space and drift apart so they can go on their own journies and just hope they will come back to you some day. Rather than thanking the person who was early, sometimes there is a resentment and shame that is built up in the party of those who finally caught up. I think there is also a lonliness in having these complex thoughts that people don't understand (or their attention spans are too shot to understand) where you just feel like the conspiracy theory meme: I think it's easier for me to have more casual friendships wherever I go because I have a base line of social competence and likability. But it feels like an up hill climb to turn those into long term friendships because I feel like there is some fundamental level that I don't click with people on and people end up either stagnating or growing in a totally different direction from me. I think part of it might also be me living in Dallas. I feel like I've tried my whole life to fit in here or find some semblance of belonging. And don't get me wrong, I do find people to be friends with along the way. But I have always felt odd here. I have a friend who recently moved to New York City and another who recently moved to Boston and they seem to be having an easier time making friends. They're both leftists and sure both cities have their flaws, but in some ways, there is more alignment there with the general population there whereas to find alignment in Dallas, you do have to go out of your way. I always felt like I was on an up hill climb when it comes to friendships. Part of me doesn't mind it because I think I got some great social muscles from that climb. But also, I get tired and I wonder if I really need a change of scenary. It's kind of like if I spent years trying to look like Bella Hadid. Sure I might have gotten some good workout habits, eating habits, and improved my over all fitness from the journey. But in the end, I will never look like Bella Hadid because I'm like a foot shorter than her and significantly curvier (let's say if I ever did a diet or exercise routine that would cause me to lose my titties, that's a bad sign and I will probably need to be hospitalized). It's not anything I'm doing. it's a matter of structure. Similarly, I could do everything right socially but if I'm in the wrong environment around the wrong people, there is only so much I can do in that situation. And I guess the rebuttal to this is that *well, there aren't any countries or states that are mainly stage yellow.* And yeah.. that sucks. But at least moving in some places can mitigate the whole *I'm right too early* feeling. I don't know what the solution is here. I'm just thinking.

Annoying People in the Travel Niche I have been doing some research for some upcoming trips I want to do and as a result, I'm interacting with a lot of travel related content. I feel like under the travel umbrella, there are a number of different niches and communities that are all very different from each other. And I think it boils down to people having different travel styles, different reasons as to why they travel, and different logistics around travelling as well. Some of these circles are hella annoying lol and I want to write about that. 1. The Luxury Traveler: I would characterize this as the group of people who spend a lot of money on hotels, often emphasize resorts, who spend a lot of money before the trip even begins, and spends a shit ton of money on tours. I wrote about this niche more in a previous post: These people usually focus their content on Europe, Asia, and the Carribbean. Their content isn't always exhorbitantly expensive, sometimes it's cheap. But it's in a developing country where the USD and Euro go much further (think of the influencers that go to Bali and talk about 5 star hotels only being $80 a night). My issue with experiences like this is the implications around how the locals are being affected and how this exasserbates issues in the global south. In my opinion, it's fucked up to be enjoying a 5 star hotel experience when the workers probably aren't earning a living wage and the locals are struggling to get by because the tourism industry gobbled all the other industries up to where now, the place is a shell of what it used to be and is catered around people with money. I wrote about the colonial implications in the post above as well as how for some people, travel is just an extention of their overconsumption. I'm not opposed to spending money and splurging here and there so long as it makes sense for my budget and I feel like I'm getting my money's worth out of it (like I'm not going to spend $500 on a hotel knowing I'm just going to sleep in there and be outside like 90% of my waking time there). I just want to make sure that I'm approaching travel in a responsible and ethical matter that allows me to enjoy myself but not at the expense of others as much as I can help it. I feel like the luxury travel niche can be a good place for inspo at times but generally speaking, it should be taken with a huge grain of salt regarding ethics and budgets. 2. The Enlightened Traveler: This is the group of people who believe that travel gave them a new perspective on life and now they're making their whole personality the trip that they took. I think there is a more and a less annoying version of this. The less annoying version of this is people who genuinely travel to learn and expand their perspectives and they got something out of it. The more annoying version of this is the person who either has a giant ego about the places they have been to and as a result, they think they are better than the people who didn't travel as much, OR the person who thinks they are this enlightened, cultured person for going to so many places when really, they didn't challenge themselves one bit. Like no Jason, you're not cultured, you're just an alcoholic who went on a 1 month bender where you went clubbing in 20 different European countries. I wrote about this in the post linked above but I think it can exist in a less extreme version where you just exist in the ecosystem of tourists. I saw this comment under a Youtube video a while back. I referenced this in the linked post but I'm including it here because it's relevant: I would also say that a lot of country counters fall under this umbrella as well. Country counters are basically people who try to visit as many new countries as possible. Often times, these people have a quantity over quality mindset where they don't ever want to delve into a country, revist a country, or they say they've been to a country when really they just had a 3 hour lay over. Most of the country counters I encounter in this niche are usually people who backpacked around Europe since it's easier to skadaddle around different countries in a short period of time there. I find it annoying when someone is like *oh I'm super well travelled, I've been to 10 countries* and all of those countries are in Europe. Let's say you have two people who have gone to 5 countries each. Person A went to the UK, the Netherlands, Belgium, France, and Luxemburg. Person B went to Spain, Brazil, Kenya, Japan, and Iran. I would consider Person B to be more well travelled overall more so than Person A even though they went to the same number of countries. I would still give credit to Person A to being more well travelled in Europe specifically but I think that Person B has more of a diversity of experiences and is more well rounded in terms of different places they have been to. I'm not trying to downplay the list of countries Person A went to but there isn't as much of a difference between Netherlands and Belgium as there is between Brazil and Kenya. Also, on a similar note, if you're from a large, diverse country like the U.S., India, Brazil, or China, I would argue that you can be well travelled without leaving your home country. You can have a wealth of experiences by interacting with the variety of people in these countries or by travelling to the myraid of landscapes and biomes your country has. Someone from the UK would have to go to Morocco to experience a dessert for the first time near them. My ass can drive to Arizona and get a similar vibe in terms of climate and landscape. In most major U.S. cities, you can get food from different countries and have it taste good and legit. By living in Dallas, I can get good Mexican food, good Indian food, and good Italian food in the same day without hassel. That's not something you can say about most places in the world. In India, you have so many different cultures, customs, religions, and people from a variety of walks of life from living in big cities, to living in more isolated tribes. As far as Spiral Dynamics goes, I think India, while mostly Blue/ Orange, has large elements of the whole spiral there. I have people in my life that either never left the U.S. or India or if they did, they just went to 2-3 countries, and some of those people are more well educated and more cultured than a lot of people under this enlightened traveller umbrella. 3. The "Live Like a Local" Traveller: These are the people who get all pretentious about what you chose to do in your trip. Usually, they have the hipster attitude about not wanting to do certain things because they're too mainstream and touristy. Sometimes, they're like the opposite of the country counter where they don't think you can get a good experience of a country without spending 3 or more weeks there. I touched on this in the linked post: I see the validity around some of their points, especially when it comes to getting sucked into consummerist traps as well as how you don't REALLY know a place until you have visted a few times or for an extended period of time. I kind of view travelling to different countries like meeting new people and having interesting conversations. Whereas, living in a place like if you studied abroad there for a few months, moved their for work for an extended period of time, or you settled there in your travels for a few months is more like becoming friends with people as opposed to just meeting them and having a good conversation. I'll use South Korea as an example. South Korea is kind of like the party friend who is fun to be around, who knows all the cool fashions and cafes, and you can generally have a good time. But, if you try to get to know them deeper, that's when you discover the toxicity and the dysfunction around this friend and the ways that they treat other people behind closed doors. South Korea is a fun place to visit, but due to a number of social issues and economic problems, it's not the best place to settle down in and a lot of native Koreans have to deal with the problems there. Continuing on the making friends vs meeting people analogy, while making friends and deepening connections, or in this case, committing to a couple of countries and taking the time to learn about them, is the ideal, you can still learn a lot by simply meeting a lot of people and having good conversations, or in this case by visiting a lot of countries. The later can still significantly open your mind and introduce you to new perspectives. And I think the whole *you need to be somewhere for a longer period of time to experience a place* can be pretty shortsided in terms of not taking into consideration of the logistics travellers experience. Like unless you're a college student on summer vacation, a student who had the means to save up for a gap year, a travel influencer, someone with a trust fund, or someone who has a very generous PTO program with their work place, staying in one place for a while doesn't really make sense. I remember once stumbling upon a section of the internet where Europeans were making fun of Americans being like crackhead travellers since Americans are usually running around trying to see the entireity of Italy in one week and squeeze in everything into their itinerary. The conversation then evolved into talking about how most Americans don't have a lot of PTO and the little they do have usually goes to using them during the holidays to visit their families. So as a result, they don't have the luxury to meander about Italy in their once in a decade trip. I also know for me and my needs/ desires that while I do like travelling, if I'm just bouncing around places for more than 4 weeks, I start to get fed up. Or if I'm staying put in a place for longer than 4 months that's not my home country without the intention of settling there, I start to get a little antsy. I have the stamina for travelling for a while and dealing with the logistics of travel to where I can probably handle a job that has a lot of travel requirements since I'm not travelling to relax, I'm not travelling for escapism, and I'm not travelling for novelty. As a result, the whole *save a ton of money, quit your job, and travel for a year* move doesn't really make sense for me. And going back to the meeting people vs making friends example, you can become friends with people and not really know a lot about them or have real ass conversations with them and just get lulled into a rhythm or sense of familiarity. Nothing wrong with that, but let's not conflate the length of a friendship with the quality of growth you get out of it or how deep that friendship is. Similarly, you can have a drawn our visit to a country and not engage with it deeply. Or you can go for a short period of time and get a lot out of that trip in the same way that meeting someone and having a few conversations can still be incredibly impactful in your life. For me personally, since I have some time retraints with the places I'm going to, while I cannot do everything in a country, I try to do what is the most meaningful to me and what I think are the heavy hitters in terms of getting to know a country and their culture. If I really want to do a second trip in the future to go in more depth, I can do that. 4. The Sex Tourist: I was thinking of leaving this one out because this isn't something that annoys me. To say it annoys me is to downplay how it infuriates me. I was also going to label this as being a passport bro, but I went with sex tourist because 1. while men are the main demographic that does this, women can also be creeps and 2. passport bro doesn't sound as bad as being a sex tourist and I feel like the term passport bro is a euphemism. I don't think I need to elaborate much here. It's a gross exercise of power dynamics and it's dehumanizing to entire groups of people. I'm just putting this here because I have encountered people who think this way and as someone who cares about travel, I want to distance myself from this group as much as I can. Also, I can't help but think that a lot of red pill men who believe that women who solo travel are whores who are sleeping around is just them projecting what they would do in a situation where they were travelling alone since they have a misogynistic world view and they would engage in that type of dehumanization if they were to go abroad. Like no, I'm not going to Vietnam to sleep around. I have a list of museums, landscapes, historical sites, and food to try. Men and dating are the last thing on my mind, especially as someone travelling alone since safety can also be a concern and I'm not about to run off with some strange men to have sex in a foriegn country where no one would know if I went missing. 5. The Extreme Budget Tourist: I love getting good deals on trips and managing my money so that I can travel but also meet my other financial goals. I love finding ways to make travel more accessible to people so that it's not being gatekept by a pay wall. I think it can be a common misconception in the U.S. that to travel Europe that it has to be something that you have to save like $10,000 for. You can get flights for cheap by using airline miles. You can stay in hostels instead of hotels. You can get cheaper and better food by avoiding tourist traps. You can get a good deal by planning your own logistics instead of getting an expensive tour. And you can save a shit ton of money just by using public transport. You can travel to Europe in a sustainable way. However, when I am talking about the annoying extreme budget tourist, I'm not talking about the above. I'm talking about the person who sacrifices their baseline well being and safety just to save some money. I'm talking about the person who goes to developing countries, does a tour of the slums, then eats something questionable on purpose, and complains about the country and food poisoning for the remainder of the time. Personally, whenever I find travel influencers, I use the way that they talk about and approach places like India as a good litmus test on how much I should trust them. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that India is a developing country and that the standard of living is not the same as a developed country. However, there is something wrong with purposefully going out of your way to show the worst version of life in a country, portray it as if that's the only way people live, and give yourself the worst experience possible when you have the means to have a better experience by paying slightly more. No one told you to go into the questionable motel that's like $10 a night in the sketchy part of the city. You could've had a much better experience and still had a budget friendly trip by spending $60 a night. Instead of reaching for the grossest street vendor, you could've gone to another street vendor with better quality control on food and had a much better experience for slightly more money. I'm also talking about the westerners that feel the need to haggle for everything in developing countries. I know that in some places that negotiating is the norm and it's part of the custom for buying things so you taking part of it is kind of like you participating in that culture. Sometimes you gotta do that to avoid getting upcharged by an exhorbitant amount just because you're a foreigner. However, I think it can cross the line when it comes off as entitlement in situations where you're arguing over buying a ceramic bowl for $2 as opposed to $3, even though in local currency, that $1 USD might be a jump. Like that $1 isn't going to make that big of a difference in your budget, your American ass will be fine. The vendor on the other hand is just trying to feed their family. Getting pissy about such a small amount of money when you very clearly have the upper hand in terms of power dynamics is giving colonizer. But yeah, despite travelling being a huge part of my life, it's a part of my life I can't be sharing to just anyone because there are plenty of pretentious weirdos out there in the travel niche. I try to keep things low key so that I act like I have some sense, so I don't get disconnected from reality, and so that I can engage with complex topics responsibly. Also, this isn't really a *I'm trying to protect myself from weirdos* thing but it's more of a understanding that just because the people around me like travelling, that doesn't mean that I'm automatically going to click with them or that we should travel together. But I know that my style of travelling doesn't always mesh with those around me. Some people focus on vacationing and relaxing when they travel. Other people do things on a faster pace. Some people want to go with the flow and meander. Others want a more structured itinerary. Some people prioritize the novelty around travel. Others like to a couple of reliable places. Some people budget more on some things over others. Some people focus on nature. Others care more about big cities. Some people travel and have an existential crisis. Others travel to forget about their worries. I can keep going. But it's not the travel that makes people cultured or educates people about the world around them. It's about the way you engage with travel and why you travel. Not all travel is created equally and not everyone has the same relationship to it, for better and for worse. And these niches all exist for a reason and I have gotten some degree of value from each of them despite their clear blindspots (EXCEPT from the sex tourist parts.. yall nasty).

I've been enjoying this guy's videos about travelling to different countries in Africa

The Big 250 I went to Washington D.C. to see what the 250th Independence Day was going to be like. I was a bit wishy washy on my decision to go but I went ahead and decided since I had a friend who was going to be in the area. I flew in on the evening of July 3rd and then flew out early in the morning in July 5th. During the day, I did go near the National Mall. It was completely blocked off for Trump's fair. I didn't bother to go in because I didn't want to support that man and I heard it was a shit show from the quality of the vendors, the stage accident that almost killed the performers, and the reflection pond that turned green with algae because Trump painted the bottom dark blue, causing the water to heat up and become a breeding ground for the swamp. I did see the crowds around the area. It was very white with a chunk of people that looked like they were from Duck Dynasty. There were also some Christian extremists around the crowd that were yelling out "JESUS DIED FOR YOUR SINS REPENT!" on top of their lungs with a group of people who were trying to convert people into Christianity. There were also a handful of Chinese and Indian tourists that were there just taking everything in. I also saw a few military grade vehicles and a few people who work for the National Guard on duty as security there. And all of this was under 100 degree weather with the sun beating down. I also ran into huge crowds at the subway stations. The lines were huge. The crowd made me feel like I was in a pack of sardines, and most of the people were just confused with the public transport. I know there wasn't as much of a crowd in the mall itself according to reports and because a ton of people in D.C. were just boycotting the event all together. I avoided the crowds and I went to the National Museum of the American Indian and afterwards I went to the National Holocaust Memorial. Of course the Trumpies wouldn't be at the museum lol. But I had a good experience in both of these places. It just felt right to go there to pay my respects for Independence day and also keep in mind what is going on in the world from people getting kidnapped by ICE gestapo style and with what's happening in Palestine. I'm not a huge museum person but I do think that they are good places to go in order to reflect on various topics. I found myself thinking of course about things like genocide and state building, the way that it affects people immediate to that experience, and the ways that people live on afterwards. In this country, we had mass death in the way that we treated the Native Americans as well as through the Atlantic Slave Trade. Then there are the multiple genocides of the 20th century from the Holocaust, the Armenian Genocide, the Cambodian Genocide, the Congolese Genocide, the Bengali Genocide, the Rwandan Genocide, and the Bosnian Genocide. And of course, we have the present day conflicts in Palestine, Sudan, the Congo, and Armenia. But amongst that, I also saw evidence of people living their regular lives along side these big historical events and doing regular human things like working, living amongst each other, making art, and telling their stories. I find that regular live proceeding while shit is constantly hitting the fan is both grounding and disorienting at the same time. It can be disorienting to feel like you have to carry on as normal and not have the space to feel when things are going on. It's like you're being gaslit. At the same time, it's grounding in the sense that there is some sense of normalcy you can hold on to in order to regulate your emotions and not just succumb to what's going on and bed rot. I really liked the Native American museaum and how it showed the ways that Native Americans contributed to the military, the way that lived their lives, the way that the continue their practices, the way that they continue making art in various genres, and the ways that their vocabulary, customs, and culture still show up and are embedded in day to day life. I think that the 250th annivesary is happening at a very disorienting time. On another hand, you have ICE terrorizing people and the U.S. causing chaos internationally whether it be Cuba, Venezuela, Iran etc. You have the government mistreating people socially, economically, and politically and creating a cluster fuck. At the same time, on the other hand, you have the World Cup being hosted here, you have a bunch of tourists enjoying American culture outside of the plethora of issues this country has, and you do have some semblance of people coming together. And then finally, on the other hand, you have people trying to keep their head above water and live their mundane day to day lives amongst the chaos and amongst the excitement. While I don't feel patriotic because of the festivities in the National Mall, I enjoy going to the museums whenever I'm at D.C. because it makes me feel patriotic knowing that a small amount of my tax dollars goes to things like the Smithsonian. I like on how there are so many free things to do in this city and I thought going to these museums was the best way for me to celebrate my patriotism because of the ways that they approach complex topics, the way that they show a variety of perspectives and stories from different communities, the way that those perspectives overlap and contribute to the overall culture, and the way that all of those things apply to what we are going through as a country right now. Later that day, I went down to the National Harbor to meet up with my friend, her boyfriend, and later her boyfriend's brother so that we can see the fireworks but not deal with the crowds. The scheduling for the fireworks got delayed like 3 times. Trump did a long ass speech around 11 pm when everyone was tired and over it. It was raining at random times throughout the evening, and at times it was raining pretty hard. But instead of doing the fireworks at 11 when it wasn't raining during Trump's speech, the fireworks started when it started raining hard. As a result, the fireworks would get extinguished right when they would go off so it kind of looked like an explotion with a ton of smoke with a little bit of glitter thrown in there. The fireworks were also mainly red and orange thus adding to the explotion/ end of the world vibe. It was giving nuclear mushroom from where we were standing. Apparently on TV, it looked good, but in person, it was train wreck. Eventually, I managed to get back to my hotel at around 1:30 am. We weren't planning on being out that late. Usually the fireworks would happen arount 9, right after sunset, but Trump wanted to be different so that he can have his big speech and moment. I would have gone back earlier but the only reason I gave this event any grace was because it was the big 250. I felt bad because my friend had to be up early the next morning for work. I felt bad for the little kids there who were also antsy about waiting so long. I also had to be up early to go to the airport to fly back to Dallas. I saw a lot of traffic as I was driving back but thankfully, I had less traffic in the direction I was going. There were a bunch of cars parked along the highway to get a glimpse of the show. It was chaotic. My flight was at 8 am meaning I needed to be at the airport at 5 am. I tried to sleep from 2 am to 3 am so that I could wake up, pack, and take a shower. But I ended up sleeping from 2 am to 5:42 am. I woke up in a panic. I didn't brush my teeth or wash my face. I put on my pair of pants, threw everything in my suitcase, rushed out the door, and checked out of the hotel by 5:50. I had half of a left over turkey sandwich that I ate as I waited on my uber. I ubered to the airport and the only thing I was thinking was how badly Trump fucked up my 4th of July and how I'm not going to let this man cause me to miss my flight. This whole trip from the flight, to the hotel, to the food (D.C. in general has an expensive food scene) and how the uber has been expensive. I wasn't about to add to the cost by missing my flight. Thankfully, I didn't encounter any traffic going to the airport and I didn't have much of a line in TSA so I managed to get to the gate with about 30 minutes to spare before boarding began at 7:15. During that time, I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, washed my face, did my makeup, and put on deoderant so I would feel like an actual person. Then, I went to one of the airport stores and got myself some tea and some yogurt so that I has something in my system. I got to the plane and fell asleep soon after. Apparently my flight also got delayed because of some issues with the engine. I remember overhearing it vaguely as I was mostly asleep. It got delayed by an hour so instead of landing at 10:30 in Dallas, I got there at 11:30. I woke up after a couple hours and I was sitting next to a lady and we talked about a number of things ranging from her experience working for an airline years ago, her family, caring for her aging relatives, and her experience at the National Mall the night before. The lady said that there was about 150,000 people there and that they had to evacuate the area because of the lightening and the storms. The "evacuation" in question was everyone rushing out and either going to the train station or to any other building near by. Then, every time it would stop raining, people would try to go back to the mall again by rushing through security. It's not like they had wristbands or anything so the crowd had to go through security multiple times. She mentioned that she was lowkey scared on how disorganized and mishandled this event was and how people were rushing back and forth because it looked like it could go crazy and start a riot where people would get trampled. She also told me that it took her until 3 am to get back to her hotel because of how packed the trains were and how she didn't even sleep at night so that she wouldn't miss our flight. Let's just say that I'm glad I wasn't at the National Mall during this time given the story I got from her. Anyways, the big 250 felt like a mess but I'm glad that I experienced it and I think I have a couple of interesting stories to tell when I'm 76 during the 300th Independence Day. Hopefullly it will better and I do wonder where we will be at as a country by then, for better and for worse.

It's Crazy On How Much It Didn't Happen I frequently start thinking of this scene from Mad Men when thinking of my plastic surgery experience. The context of this scene is that Peggy had a traumatic pregancy (since she didn't even know she was pregnant) and went into labor. Don on the other hand had a whole secret life that he left behind during the Korean war. He was originally a man named Dick Whitman and after he got drafted, he didn't want to go back to his old life so he stole the identity of a man in his unit who died. Don is the only one who knows about Peggy's delivery other than her family and to preserve her professional reputation, Peggy lied and told everyone else that she was in quarantine with tuberculosis. Don's way of being encouraging to help Peggy be resilient after such a traumatic instance is to basically tell her to carry on as if nothing ever happened and eventually, this whole thing will be a blip in her story and she would have moved on. While I don't have nearly as much of a traumatic and dramatic story around my surgery, no one knows what happened other than my family and my boyfriend. I recovered well from the surgery and it's something that I don't think about in most days. I'm happy with my results and I feel good in my body over all. The results, while very noticable to me, are fairly natural so it's not like my proportions are so exaggerated to where I know everyone is talking about it. Since the surgery, I only had a couple of people take notice and say something along the lines of *girl, your waist looks snatched* to which I said a simple thank you and that was the end of the conversation. I was expecting more people to notice my surgery results, comment, and have a whole conversation about it. I even took a while to socially prepare for the reprucussions of this surgery in case anyone brought it up so that I can approach the topic in a responsible manner. But honestly, not much has changed in my life externally. I have heard stories of people who had work done and suddenly, since they are more conventionally attractive, people are nicer to them, more opportunities are available, and life is overall better. I had no such experience. I think part of it is because I'm working a normal corporate job and that I'm not in an industry that is dependent on my looks or that hyperfocusses on my appearance. I'm also fortunate that I'm not surrounded by superficial people who switch up on me after I altered my appearance or people who constantly comment on people's bodies and evaluate them on those basis. And honestly, thank god my external world didn't change all that much because I never did this with the external world in mind. I never really wanted my surgery to be brought up or speculated on. I just wanted to keep this aspect of my life private. At the same time, despite wanting privacy, I am shocked on how easy it has been for me to hide this aspect of myself from the people in my life. The bulk of recovery was during the first 2 months after the proceedure and then after that, the only symptom I had was some minor swelling that I only noticed. I worked from home a bit more than usual during those 2 months. I reduced down my social obligations. And I carried on like normal afterwards. While this surgery was very important for me, I'm glad I did it, and I don't mean to downplay the recovery process to trivialize this, it is wild on how this feels like a blip in my story. It feels like a blip medically, emotionally, and even financially due to the way I planned this out and the way that I carefully thought through and prepared for this proceedure. The only reminder that I have is the scar across my hips that is fading and that I don't really see very often because of how low down it is. Even if I wear a really skimpy swimsuit, no one would be able to see the scar. It's like this never happened.

Parenthood Makes You A Better Person I feel like the notion that parenthood makes someone a better person to be a widely held belief by parents and they use it to justify their decision to procreate. I don't think it's the whole picture. I think whether or not parenthood makes someone a better person is due to a number of factors and it isn't a gurantee that this is the path for self actualization for everyone. I can see why people come to this conclusion. Parenthood does compell you to a greater degree of selflessness. You have to put someone elses needs above your own. You need to be more planned out because you cannot act on impulse in the same way. You have to cultivate patience and model good behavior. For some people, especially young parents, parenthood gives them the structure they need to not continue getting into trouble. But there are plenty of people who don't do the above and they don't become more selfless, more considerate, more patience, and less impulsive. Some people start off as a train wreck and they stay a train wreck because they never learn the life lessons to turn their lives around, even when a kid is involved. There are plenty of crack heads and narcissists that have kids. There are also people who start off relatively put together but then parenthood brings out the worst in them. Suddenly they're constantly over stimulated, constantly annoyed. They lose their spark because they no longer have that sense of independence or spontaneity in their lives. They get depressed and the life is drained out of them. They are stressed because they aren't good with dealing with chaos. Their values and ideal life style aren't compatible with the demands of parenthood. I think the notion that parenthood makes you a better person can also have negative implications, because then what does that say about people who chose not to have kids. Are they lesser in some way? Of course not. Their path to self-actualization is different and they can still cultivate those same qualities good parents get in parenthood in their own lifes. This is why I don't moralize the decision to be a parent. In the same way not everyone was meant to be an accountant and would find that career path fulfilling, not everyone is meant to be a parent and find that fulfilling.

Mom Shaming I found myself in this side of the internet a couple times before and I personally find the concerns a little absurd sometimes. I know there is much more pressure put on the mother because we are seen as the primary caregiver, we are seen as the ones where parenthood should come naturally to, and we are also put on a pedestal. And I think as a result, every decision you make as a parent comes under scrutiny even when you're just doing your best. There are people who judge you for breast feeding. There are people you judge you for bottle feeding. There are people who judge you for being a stay at home parent. There are people who judge you for going back to work. There are people who judge you for not bouncing back to your prebaby body in time. There are people who judge you on not being able to keep your house extremely clean. There are people who tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps but also, you need to do your chores and work out as the baby sleeps and then judge you for being exhausted. Hell, there are people who judge you even before the baby comes into the picture where there are people who judge you for getting an epidural, not getting an epidural, giving birth naturally, or giving birth via c-section. Like one time, I went down this rabbit hole that your birth doesn't count and that you're less of a woman if you opted for medication or you had to get a c-section. Which is laughable to me because the baby is still here and it exists. But it's also so scary that there are people who will evaluate your womanhood based on how much pain you can endure and make the process of birth harder than it needs to be. There is also a lot of fear mongering around mothers which leads to them to go down weird crunchy and alt right pipelines where they are not vaccinating their kids and are scared of generic food labels. I think when you do have kids, you are hyper aware of their safety and wellbeing and there are political entities that try to exploit that. And don't get me wrong, the world is a scary place. But also, sometimes our fear gets hijacked and redirected towards the wrong entity. Like Jessica, stop worrying about the red dye 40 that's in your kid's fruit snacks and start worrying about how little Timmy can't read and how his attention span has been hijacked by Cocomelon. I don't have kids and I think I can sometimes be at prey to this type of thing and fall into reactionary thinking patterns. Part of me thinks that if I choose to be a parent, that I should just homeschool my kids because other people's kids are feral, I don't trust their parenting, and I don't want my parenting to be tainted by the broader influences of the world. But I can also recognize that homeshooling is part of the problem because it contributes further to the underfunding of public schools, which leads to the feral kids in question, it contributes to my kid being shut in without socialization which isn't good for their development, and it encourages a hyper individualistic change as opposed to systemic justice. Part of me also thinks that I need to basically bar my kid from the internet because of the crazy shit that's out there and I don't want them to get groomed by some man with a podcast. But that's not the answer either because kids do need some exposure to technology to learn how to deal with such a thing and to have a basic amount of tech literacy so that they don't fall behind their peers. So as a result, I can understand why a lot of mothers specifically are on edge because it feels like they cannot do anything right, they're getting judgement and opinions from all corners, and there is constant fear mongering everywhere. This and the whole process around pregnancy, labor, and post partum is the reason why I'm hesitant to be a mother even though I'm pretty open to parenthood as a whole. I joke about this sometimes but I often think that I would love to be a dad, but a mom..... oooofff that comes with a lot of baggage to unpack. At the same time, I feel like some mothers use the victimization and the very real pressure they're under to even shut out constructive criticism. It's not mom shaming to say that your place shouldn't be so unhygenic to where you have 8 dirty diapers scattered around your place. It's not mom shaming for me to criticize you for not vaccinating your kids. It's not mom shaming if I as a community member step in to say something to your kid to keep them in line and I inform you what happened. The last one is something that I'm grappling with more these days. I think there is a cultural difference at play here that I'm noticing with my boyfriend's white American family. I feel like whenever I'm at any South Asian cultural event, it's pretty typical for the parents to be doing their own thing and the kids to be running loose. The kids aren't unsupervised. The rest of the community is looking after them. If one of them misbehaves, even if you aren't the parent, you call that out, and inform the parents as to what is going on. It's not seen as overstepping. Similarly, growing up, my aunts and uncles had just as much of a responsibility to discipline me and my cousins as our parents did. And now, when I'm with my cousin and his kid, there are definitely boundaries I'm not overstepping, but I do still keep an eye on the kid when we are out and about. When I told my boyfriend this, his initial reaction was *Why are you watching the kid, that's the parents' job. Why are they putting that stress onto you?* Then I explained everything I said earlier and we had a wider conversation on how American families, specifically white familes, conduct themselves. Apparently, white moms tend to take a lot more things personally. Like if you tell her that her kid is misbehaving, instead of seeing that as *oh I'm getting feedback on what my kid is up to, thanks for being an extra set of eyes, let me go and handle this* its interpreted at *oh you're catching me slipping as a parent and you reporting my kid's misbehavior is you being passive aggressive/ judgemental towards my parenting choices and your insinuating that I'm not doing enough.* And I think a lot of this comes down to indivualism vs collectivism when it comes to the notion of whose responsibility is it to be a parent / authority figure to these kids. I also think that in a hyperindividualistic culture like the U.S., it's common for parents to feel like the entire weight of parenthood is on their shoulders and that they want and need help. In other words, they want a villiage. But I think the concept of a village is overly romanticized in left leaning circles where people don't have immigrant parents. I wrote about the commodification of community in my main journal and I want to include some of that here: Like parents say they want to have a community but the moment that people start having a different opinion or approach to parenting, the moment that it comes to your child free friend needing you to show up for them, the moment that you befriend someone and their kid and your kid don't get along, then suddenly *poof* community ideals and conflict resolution goes out the window. In some situations I get it. Like if you are trying to have a certain approach to parenting and the people around you are contridicting that, it can send mixed messages to the kid, making it harder to discipline them if they are young. And also, you don't want to encourage toxic approaches to parenting like hitting your kids just because the other parents are doing that. Sometimes, child free people do have difficulty with understanding the demands of parenthood (which is why you communicate with them, not just cut them off because you ASSUME they will understand since they don't have the same experiences as you or because they aren't in the same life stage as you). Sometimes your kid is having a real hard time getting along with your friend's kid because there is something fundamentally wrong. But in a lot of situations, parents in the U.S. just don't have the communication/ conflict resolution skills and the tolerance for chaos to navigate the dynamics in a community because it's not convenient for them nor does it fit in their hyper individualistic narrative. I remember growing up, there was a kid that I didn't get along with and our parents were friends. My parents didn't stop being friends with this couple. Me and this kid just had to figure things out and argue. And you know what, I think that was good for our social development if anything. My parents also had friends who had kids who were like a decade older than me. In those instances, again, my parents didn't stop being friends with this couple, I just had to find ways to occupy myself even though I had no one to play with. My parents also had situations where I was friends with people and they either didn't get along with my friend's parents or they just didn't click like that. My parents still coordinated with those parents and socialized with them so that I can have a life too and get invited places. My parents didn't always agree with the way that other parents were raising their kids and pushed back against that to show that there are different ways to raise your kid. And other parents didn't agree with my parents and they pushed against them too. Finally, even though my parents didn't have a large section of people who were childfree around them, I do have a child free uncle and aunt and they were very involved in our family and my parents showed up for them on a regular basis, even though they were really frustrating at times. My point is that community also comes with a lot of friction that you need to know how to navigate as parents so that you get the help you need but also, you show up for other people and you maintain boundaries to protect yourself and your family. It isn't as straight forward as having help for your kid when raising them whenever you want it, however you want it. Like some people say they want a village, but they don't want to be a villager, and their definition of a village is the group aligning with them on every level and giving no friction or pushback (because then it's mom shaming). At that point, you don't have a village, you have unpaid help and one sided dynamics.

Pronatalism, Antinatalism, and Eco-Fascism I was reading up on things related to pronatalism and I found a video that summarizes it well: There is a lot of weird shit in this subculture ranging from people believing in the white genocide so they should have more white babies so white people don't go extinct, people worried about preserving capitalism, people using this as blanket to discriminate against migrants, attacking women's healthcare/ rights, and more. There is less weird stuff out there like how some governments are willing to give extra cash to people who decide to have kids but none of that has worked in terms of raising the birthrate. My issue with a lot of these more antinatalist policies, even when they're not explicitly against womens rights, they don't attack the systemic issues that cause people to not want to have kids. Instead of a child tax credit, how about you raise the minimum wage? Make college free? Keep guns out of school? Increase maternity and paternity leave? Create policy around tackling climate change? Increase the overall quality of life? You can't force people to breed. Forcing people to have kids causes more harm than good and forcing cannot be done ethically. Instead, I think you need to improve quality of life in more indirect ways through things like proper governance. Like not gonna lie, the whole free day care for kids 2 and under that Mamdani rolled out make me want to not only move to NYC but have a hopeful enough outlook on the future to contemplate becoming a parent. I didn't feel the same way when Kamala Harris was talking about the child tax credit. ------------------------------------ Then you have the anitnatalist weirdos. I didn't find a good video about this that goes in depth like the video above but I did come across various reddit threads over the years. I don't want this to come across as people should breed and shouldn't be childfree, that's not what I think at all. If you choose to be childfree, that's on you. It's a perfectly fine life path to go on. My issue with this ideology and subculture is the way that it berates children and the people who decide to have children, and the ecofacistic undertones beneath the contempt for humanity. I think calling children brats when they're literally not doing anything or just acting out in age appropriate ways is weird. I know sometimes I call small children crotch goblins (and I think I should stop that lol), but I mean that in a lighthearted way, not as a way to dehumanize them. And while I think this runs rampant in antinatalist and some child free communities, I think you also see this amongst normies as well. Like no, Susan, your baby is not trying to manipulate you to give it more attention, it's a baby. It just got here and can barely speak. It's not playing 4D chess to fuck with you. And no, your toddler isn't a spawn of Satan for running around and throwing a tantrum. They're just acting like a toddler. And yeah, your teenager is disrespectful and might hurt your feelings, but you need to figure out what's going on to cause them to act that way and address that in a way that treats them like an actual person instead of taking things personally and writing off their life experience as them being hormonal. Then you have some antinatalist people and also some really bitter childfree people that gets irritated at kids on sight and they demand childfree spaces everywhere. I get some places need to be childfree (bars, some weddings etc.) but I think advocating for everything to be childfree in public just excludes parents (especially women) causing them to be even more of a shut in and it causes kids to not be socialized properly. You're entitled to a child free life personally, but you're not entitled to a childfree world. You also have people on both sides that use children as polticial pawns, people who force people to have kids and then mistreat them when they get here, people who see their kids as mini mes or just straight up property, and you have issues around child labor. The worst part about it is that there is only so much kids can say to advocate for themselves and there is a large power dynamic between children and adults. I think it's fair to see children as a marginalized class. The video below does a good job explaining this: --------------------------------------- Finally, you have the ecofacism of it all. This is something that a lot of pronatalist and antinatalist weirdos have in common. Ecofacism is the intersection point between facism and environmentalism. It's this notion that the earth has finite resources and as a result, part of the population needs to die out to preserve the earth and the population. The pronatalist believes that their specific group of people deserves said resources and that they need to keep popping out kids. The antinatalist thinks that everyone is a leech on the earth and no one should have kids. This is where I think a lot of issues around over population and under population comes into play. I remember when I was growing up, people would joke about over population because 8 billion people is a lot and the population doubled since the 70s. I think the baby boom and then the uptick of millennials once the boomers were old enough to have kids contributed to this. And I'm sure that increase in population was pretty alarming. But now, I think it's funny that the script flipped and now the Elon Musks of the world are worried about birth rates and under population. I think that's why when Gen Xers talk about over population, the whole thing feels dated. I don't think over population is really an issue. I think we do have enough resouces to sustain a huge population of humans, we just do a shit job at distributing said resources in a sustainable and equitable way. And I think it's easier for billionaires to look at regular people and tell us to stop breeding as opposed to acknowledge their systemic contribution to inequality. I also don't think under population is much of an issue. I do think it can have very bad consequences if it drops too significantly below replacement level. But I think that things like immigration can fill in the gaps of such a thing even if the racists will throw a fit. I think a low birth rate is more of a symptom rather than the disease. The disease is a general decline of quality of life as well as an apathetic screen addicted population. But then there are people who freak out about the under population because that means that the billionaires won't continue to make money and we won't have a steady supply of consumers and workers to exploit. I don't have much to say about that other than, fuck those kinds of people.

Being The Adult In The Room In my previous post, I linked a video that came on my YouTube recommended that I watched and reacted to. Then, I started to view more of this lady's content.... Her channel is called the Average Gen Xer and I think based on the 5-6 videos I watched, she very much embodies a very specific Gen X archetype that I want to dissect a little more while also looking at Boomers, Millennials, and Gen Z. Her personality and vibe feels like it was frozen in 1997 and then it was transported to a body of a woman in her 50s. I think it's the jaded attitude, the snark, and the knee jerk negative reaction to things like conformity and religion. I think those things also paint a picture towards the Gen X archetype of being rebellious and against authority. But the reason why it feels jaded and a little stale is because being rebellious and against the status quo in 2026 simply looks different. I wrote about that in a previous post in my main journal and I keep coming back to the same quote: And I get why people in the Gen X cohort have a knee jerk reaction to things like conformity and religion. They honestly got a much more crazy version of it in the overall cultural ziegiest than what I was exposed to. I think about this in the context of the Four Turnings theory on how Gen X and Baby Boomers are reacting against the collectivism that was present in the High and Awakening phase and as a result, they swinged the pendulum too far to the individualistic side to where now, Millennials and Gen Z are reacting against the hyperindividualism of the Unraveling and the Crisis phase. Basically, collectivism is in the highest during the High because things are going great and people want to conform, it decreases in the Awakening as people starts questioning things, it's at an all time low in the Unraveling because thats when systems start to fall apart and people become jaded, and it's starts to perk back up in the Crisis because it's a necessity to rely on your neighbors and the people around you to pull through til the next High. I found a chart that explains the different phases really well: Gen X were young adults during the Unravelling and I feel like the column above really encapsulates what was considered progressive in their time. Their childhoods were during the Awakening and in the most recent awakening, there was a real backlash against religious values and authority. I know this was mainly led by Boomers since they were young adults during the awakening, but I think of this video But now, in 2026 when the cultural weight isn't so much on Stage Blue, the Stage Orange backlash that the Boomers and Gen X had starts to feel really dated in some instances, or like it's part of the problem as it contributes to the excesses of Stage Orange in other instances. I just wrote about how a lot of adults as they move into their 30s can get stagnant and how that can manifest in healthy and unhealthy ways. And I think there is a way that generations can collectively stagnate and get stunted. I don't think everyone in Gen X for example has the same kind of stunting. I know Gen Xers in my life who are with the times and are expanding their wisdom. But I think that each generation has their specific archetype of being stunted according to when they were young adults in the Four Turnings model. I think the lady in the Average Gen Xer channel is an archetype of a stunted Gen X. I reviewed her content and I saw a lot of fatphobia, this bitterness when it came to conformity, and a lot of talk about over population (I'm making a post on that next). I have yet to see content from this lady regarding this, but I know a lot of Gen Xers who have this vibe of *you can't tell me what to do, fuck authority.* I also see the fatphobia, the kneejerk negative reaction to conformity, and this desire to do things outside the norm that might freak people out in Leo's content as well. I know he's like the elder half of Millennials but he also borders Gen X and I can see shades of that. The attitude to be against authority would be great if it was a principled stance but it backfires when their version of giving authority the middle finger is Gen X refusing to get vaccinated, believing in conspiracy theories, and voting for Trump because of his rhetorical style. I get that institutions are crumbling and they have flaws that need to be questioned and I get that y'all had a lot of toxic conformity and blind allegence to authority, but sometimes people are experts and have positions of authority because they are qualified and have expertise that the average person doesn't so it makes sense to follow their lead. You can't let your issues with authority cause you to act like a petulant child. Sometimes following authority isn't blind. Sometimes it's genuinely substantiated. I think the stunted archetype of the Boomer is simply someone who doesn't know how the world works anymore and has too rosy of a view of how to succeed in today's climate. I know this trope has been overplayed, but it's the guy who still thinks you can pay for college with a minimum wage part time job and that since people aren't doing that, they're going into debt because of their laziness. Then of course, you have the racism, sexism, homophobia, the *i hate my wife* and *my husband is a hopeless idiot* jokes. My favority from my personal life is when my Boomer uncle randomly gave me $20 this one time and told me to go get myself a meal at a nice 5 star restaurant. I accepted since $20 is $20 but in my mind I was like *great, I can get myself Chipotle.* While Gen X is stunted in the way that teenagers want to rebel against authority for the sake of it, Boomers are stunted in the way that some children don't have the most nuanced and updated view of the world. Like no, going to school, getting good grades, and getting accepted to a good college won't necessarily lead to a decent paying job, a marriage, and white picket fence with 2.5 kids. Life is not that simple. I think this naiveity and simplistic world view is also why a lot of boomers fall for the phone scams. A lot of stunted boomers work under the straightforward narrative of the modern era and they didn't move into a more post modern narrative structure. I also wrote the following in a previous post: Finally, I think the archetype that comes to mind when I think of stunted millennials is the girl boss. Rather than looking at the systems that are perpetuating harm, this archetype just wants the fucked up system to have slightly more representation. It's this notion of *WE WANT MORE FEMALE DICTATORS.* You also have the archetype of the 40 year old that is too attached to the 90s because that's when their childhood was and they cannot move past that. I think this also concides with the Disney adult as well as the Harry Potter adult where they are leaning into escapism and nostalgia hard to cope with the chaos that's currently happening rather than facing the chaos and guiding younger generations. You can see the escapism in the form of parents that are glued to their phones to dissassociate from their stressful jobs and they just give their kid an ipad instead of being present parents. I think the archetype of the Gen Z stunted adult is something that has yet to fully come into fruition. After all, the age ranges of Gen Z is 15 to 30 so we're just now coming into adulthood. But I do think that things like the cultural nihilism I wrote about in my main journal, the looksmaxxing, the ageism, the billionaire worship, the YOLO attitude with finances, the tradwife/soft girl aesthetic, the alpha male podcast bros and more are not going to age well. So why am I writing about this in the Contemplating Motherhood journal? I think in order to be a reliable parent and/or a reliable guide to future generations, you cannot let yourself get stagnant in your world view and your politics. It's going to be difficult to look to the future and give advice to the future when you're stuck in the past and your advice no longer applies because the world moved on and that context no longer exists. I think this is one of the things that my own dad got right. Don't get me wrong, in a lot of ways he is a typical boomer but I do admire the way that he wants to update himself so he doesn't sound like his brother when his brother hands me a $20 bill lol.

People Don't Think Shit Through I watched this whole video and I also went through a phase when I went to the r/RegretfulParents subreddit. And all it confirmed to me is how a lot people don't think shit through when it comes to the decision to be a parent. I'm just going to number the posts to record my reactions and evaluations: 1. This lady was talking about how she hates motherhood so far with their 5 week old and how both she and her husband are experience post partum depression as well as post partum rage. She was dreaming of motherhood her entire life and it feels like a big shock to her that she hates it and as a result, she feels really guilty. It sounds like there was a lot of parenthood romanticization that was involved relating to the fantasy this person had around motherhood since they wanted to be a mother since they were 6 years old, after their mother had died, and they wanted a baby since 15. Later posts in this thread also talks about potential health issues the baby might have for them to be reacting this way. It sounds like more common health issues (like colic) but it's still difficult. And I think a lot of people go into parenthood assuming the best case scenario and the easiest version of parenthood and taking care of a baby. The speaker in the video also talks about the whole thing that some people in the older generation say to young girls on how you will never know true love until you have a kid and that motherhood is the best thing that can happen to a women. I will say that both of those things feel icky and gross. It feels like grooming in a weird way I have trouble describing. I know some people think I'm overthinking this or I'm being too anxious, but basically, if I decide to have a kid, I'm going to spend a good amount of time basically preparing for war when it comes to pregnancy to the first 3 years. I know I can't prepare for everything, but I'm not making those years harder than it needs to be. I'm physcially working out so that my body can deal with preganancy and have an easier time recovering. I'm going to make sure that I have an amazing and involved partner. I'm going to be pouring into my retirement and savings for years before that baby is born. I'm going make sure I have some degree of support around me, I'm going to make sure that I'm well established in my career to where I can take breaks and get accomodations in a way that makes sense for my position. I'm taking things like post partum depression, anxiety, and hell even post partum psychosis (I know a lady who dealt with that) into consideration to at the very least mentally prepare for this and know what I'm signing up for. Like I'm not making the decision to be a parent based on the fantasy of being a parent, I'm making it based on the realities of being a parent. I'm not about to make decisions about my reproductive choices based on an idealization as opposed to actual facts. And as a result, it really catches me off guard when people are like *I didn't expect parenthood to be this hard.* LIKE BE SO FUCKING FOR REAL!! And to clarify, I'm not shaming parents who are like this. A lot of people were lied to when it comes to what parenthood and having a baby is like. I'm not mad at them, I'm mad for them. 2. The thing that jumped out at me is how this person never wanted to be a parent but was pressured to keep the preganancy by their religious mother. The post sounds miserable and it sounds like they hate every aspect of motherhood but they still suck it up and show up to fufill their responsibilities regardless. Not to mention, they are a single mother amidst all this. The mom sounds unprepared and I really hate the relgious mother in this circumstance because I vehemntly hate people who force people to give birth. Personally, listening to this lady's responsibilities doesn't sound like the worst from my perspective. But I can see on how it's not for everyone and I can understand how it can suck the life out of someone if that's not what they truly want. I do appreciate that this person is trying their best and are living according to the principle of still taking care of the kid even if that's not what she wants to do and doing things like fake excitement and interest, as well as not rush the kid to grow up so that they can enjoy their childhood for the sake of the child and development. But my god... I hate relatives that compell you to make personal and permanant life decisions when they aren't the ones who are going to live with the reprussions of said life decisions. So many people's lives get ruined in this way. Then there is the single mother aspect of it all. It sounds like all of the responsibilty of parenthood is falling on her shoulders and I don't know how old this person is, but kind of like what I said earlier, it's so important to have you life solidified and established before bringing a kid in the world to avoid unnecessary suffering. I can understand that even if you do your due diligence, you can still find yourself as a single mother (i.e the parent dies, divorce, etc.) which is why it's so important that you are committed to this path 100%. Later in this thread, another lady talks about how she thinks that her personality isn't well suited for this because she is introverted, likes to sleep, and likes an orderly environment but she decided to have 3 kids. My actual response was THREE, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? LIKE IT'S ONE THING TO HAVE ONE AND DECIDE PARENTHOOD ISN'T FOR YOU BUT WHY WOULD YOU KEEP POPPING THEM OUT??? Don't get me wrong, one kid can be a lot but I think bringing multiple kids in the mix doesn't multiply the chaos, it exponentially increases it. 1 kid is hard. 2 kids isn't twice as hard, it's 4x as hard. 3 kids isn't 3x as hard, it's 12x as hard. And then after 4 it gets easier, but that's usually because there is parentification and neglect that enters the picture. Like you can want to have order and just decide to have one kid. Yes, it will be crazy for a couple years, but there is only so much chaos that one kid can cause. WHY TF WOULD YOU HAVE MORE?? >>>I know there is also a lot of pressure and shaming around just having one kid. Like some people look at one and done parents and think that they don't really want to be parents or that they are dooming their kid to a sad and lonely life by not giving them siblings. First of all, having siblings doesn't gurantee a good relationship between the kids nor does it gurantee things like being their for each other when the parents pass away. I know a lot of dysfunctional sibling relationships of simply sibling relationships where they just aren't that close. Secondly, speaking as an only child, I think it's way better to be a good parent to one kid than to be a mediocre or even neglectful parent to multiple kids just so that they can have the sibling experience. Your experience in parenthood matters just as much as the childhood you provide them since they affect each other so it's important to not burn yourself out and spread yourself too thin based on the opinions people have on you and how small your family is. 3. Then there is the lady who has 4 adult children who grew into "fine adults, but they are very selfish, just like so many people of that generation." She then goes on to say how she feels drained after giving them everything, how she's going through empty nest syndrome, and how she feels like she wasted her life being always busy taking care of others and rushing through the years. First of all, I wonder what she means by her kids being selfish and why she's making it out to be a generational thing. I wonder how much of it is her pent up resentment because again, she took on more than she could handle. Like I wonder to what extent she feels like her kids owe her something for her sacrifices and how them living their own lives is contridicting that. I think there is more exploration that needs to be done to get a better sense of what is actually happening. I do think that things like empty nest syndrome can be exasserbated by revolving your entire life around the kids if you decide to be a parent. I think it's still important to have friends, hobbies, and nurture your marriage so that you don't wake up 18 years later and realize you neglected every aspect of your life for the sake of parenthood. Plus, it's not healthy for the kids to see you burn yourself out and have no identity outside of parenthood. What does that teach them (especially about a woman's role) and what kind of model of adulthood are you giving them? Additionally, I think it's important to fulfill a lot of important and big life goals before deciding to be a parent if that is what you decide to do. I'm not saying you need to have everything in your bucket list checked off, but I am saying that you need to have lived life to your fullest to where you feel ready to make a sacrifice like parenthood and not get resentful about it. The last thing you want to do is be the parent that's like *I gave everything up for you and I could have been living my life if you weren't here.* I think it's much easier to have a more balanced life with one kid than with three unless you have a solid village around you. Then one of the comments under this post said that "at least toddlers are cute. Adult children are like forced acquaintences." Not gonna lie, I did chuckle at this a little bit because what kind of adult your child becomes can be unexpected and you might not mesh the best with them. But also, I couldn't help but think this was a bit odd. Part of it might be just my bias on how babies and toddlers seem intimidating and much of my desire to be a parent comes from dealing with kids, teens, and young adults with more fully formed views and personalities. But also, I think it's weird to go as far to say your adult child is like a forced acquaintence. Like I get if you might not have a lot in common or that you clash personality wise, but do you not have an interest in their lives and what they are doing? I think it also feels weird since I am one of those people that can as a baseline get along with most people so I'm inclined to wonder what exactly went wrong for you and the kid to feel so distant to one another. Another comment talks about how they miss being able to travel and go on spontaneous adventures because of their "little brats." Again, it goes back to how you need to do a lot of the things you want to do with your life before you have kids because it's going to be a lot harder logistically and more expensive to do them once they are here. Or maybe, if this is a permanent lifestyle for you and this spontaneity is a part of what settling down looks like for you, maybe having kids isn't the ideal life style choice for you. And also, calling them little brats just reeks of resentment just because you didn't think things through.