soos_mite_ah

Defining Adulthood for Myself in My Mid-Twenties I feel like I have been feeling a gap between myself at 26 and my peers who are like 22/23. I feel like I'm on the same life stage as them broadly speaking and they don't feel so far off to where I feel totally out of the loop from them and unable to relate to what they're going through. But at the same time, i do feel like I'm further along the journey from them given everything that I processed above in the list of posts above. I think it's so important for us to define for ourselves what adulthood looks like to us personally and also having a more well rounded definition of adulthood. I think if you didn't do the introspection work above, it's really easy to fall in the trap of adulthood = mortgage + marriage + corporate job + 2.5 kids. And not only is that really falling apart in recent days due to the rising cost of living and people grappling with various gender divides, but on top of that, you need to process that deconstructing paradigm so you don't fall into the same traps of a now sinking ship. I think another symptom of people not doing the work is people assuming that there is various deadlines in your 20s and that 30 is some kind of deadline where you have to be married with kids by then. Which can be a dangerous mindset to have because it can cause you to jump into serious and permanent life decisions before it makes sense to do so in a healthy way. I know that I'm harking on marriage and kids a lot but I think that those two things were held as the pinicles of adulthood from the previous generations. But also, I think there is other things like having a party phase, getting a college degree, exploring your sexuality more, grieving the loss of a parent, taking care of family members etc. that we associate with a certain age or phase in life but in reality it can happen at any time. Sure, a lot of people have a "hoe" phase in their late teens or early 20s, but other people might have it in their mid twenties or even later. And you aren't "stunted" if you decide to explore your sexuality in your 30s even if a lot of people are married at that age so long as you're going about it in a mature and healthy way. Like for example, I think I'm having more of a party phase now at 26 while a lot of people had that phase during their college years. I did go out in a couple parties when I was in college so I'm familiar with that vibe. And at my age, I do go to house parties and clubs every now and then but I notice that even though my age group still does these things, it's significantly less messy in that I don't have to worry about a friend puking and being sloppily drunk, I don't have to worry about my partner cheating on me, and I'm not dealing with the chaos of 4 random crying girls after a fight. I feel like summarizes how I feel about adulthood past the age of like 25. After that frontal lobe has developed, it's less about the developmental phases you and your peers go through on a cognitive and emotional level rather it's more about the unique paths people choose due to their specific life circumstances and decisions. After a certain age, it becomes less about what you're doing and more about how you're going about it and why. I also think that after 25, a lot of people start settling and that can mean a lot of things. It could mean that they have identified various long term goals and commitments they want to fulfill and thus have figured out what settling down looks like for them roughly. It could mean settling in to your life where you're much more stable and you aren't dealing with constant life altering events at once. It could mean stagnation and turning into the cubicle fish from Spongebob: I feel like the first two kinds of settling are perfectly normal and healthy. I think the last one is the one that REALLY annoys the shit out of me. It's the kind of person who believes they are geriatric at 25 and that their lives are over. It's the kind of person that falls into complacency, apathy, and emotional deadness. These kinds of people do not have hobbies, barely have a social life, are averse to meaningfully and healthily challenging themselves, and their idea of fun is numbing themselves with various substances, money, consummerism etc. They're also very checked out emotionally and cognitively and have no clue wtf is going on around the world because they do not care about anything that does not directly affect them. And unfortuantley, I have met a lot of people in my corporate life like this who are around my age and older. They, and the Spongebob cubicle fish are cautionary tales of what adulthood shouldn't look like if you want to continue to learn and grow throughout your life. And I don't 100% blame people like this. I think a lot of people don't have meaningful long and short term goals and they don't have a habit of self education and actively pouring into relationships. So as a result, when they don't have school forcing them to learn and forcing them to be in an environment where they're exposed to different people on a regular basis, they just mentally check out and never pour into those aspects of life. That's still something I'm trying to figure out as I'm navigating my internalized cultural nihilism. I don't want to be the person who feels like 25 was the peak and things are just down hill from here regardless of what pop culture and what some of my peers say. And I'm still trying to figure out what settling down looks like for me personally so that I can lead a more authentic life for myself rather than falling in line with a predermined time line. However, if I do choose to engage with something that is typically associated with someone younger, I do also want to ensure that I'm engaging with it in a responsible and age appropriate manner because I'm an adult and I need to hold myself to a higher standard.

Just created yet another journal since my other journal was getting too long. I've also been wanting a new start and a new space since my last journal was started way back in 2021 when my life was very different from where I'm at right now. Here are my two previous journals for a quick reference/ recap: Psychoanalyzing Myself: 9/1/2021- 12/25/2024 The Joy Journal: 7/19/2020 - 9/7/2021

Defining Adulthood for Myself in My Mid-Twenties Despite being considered a legal adult at 18, I don't think most people start actually feeling like an adult until around 24ish. I think for me, 24 to 26 has been me trying to define what adulthood was and what is considered normal. I think the following posts that I have made over the years really exemplifies this. I know this was a long laundry list of posts but I thought that I'd still include it one category so that it's easier for me to find an organize.

Where I'm at in My Journey with Combatting Cultural Nihilism I'm nearing the end of November in 2025 and I feel like I have been mildly depressed for a variety of reasons this year. But I do think that I'm getting better at handling things and I think that I have grown a lot. Much of that growth can be credited to the way that I have been trying to confront my internalized sense of cultural nihilism. I started the year feeling a sense of dread politically with everything happening in the world, dread around aging parents and the responsibilities it will bring, and dread around career stagnation and having to work in corporate for another year. I feel like getting actively involved instead of nihilistically crying in the corner helped with the dread politically. I think also not judging myself for the emotions that were coming up helped with the depression. I think in my journey with unpacking my internalized nihilism I stopped seeing the way that politics was affecting mentally and the way that I care about the world around me as a weakness. I stopped viewing me having thoughts about different subjects as me overthinking and having an existential crisis. While it doesn't feel great to deal with difficult emotions, I believe that it's better to actively and consciously engage the feelings and challenges , and find fulfillment in that rather than numbing yourself out and disengaging because you think that will make you happier. Because as I have been observing, the people who are numbed out, they aren't happier and their complacency ends up trapping them from being able to build a better life for themselves. Don't get me wrong, I still don't feel great when it comes to politics but I do feel more confident in the face of what's going on now compared to where I was in January. As for the dread around aging parents and responsibility, I do still have this to an extent. Yes, it's difficult to watch my parents engage in not so great habits and I think that has heightened with my journey on addressing the nihilism because I'm seeing the way it's manifesting in my parents. I love them but spending time around them doesn't feel great because they're mentally checking out and living life like a vegetable. I tell my boyfriend this regularly that I do not want us to be the old people who doesn't have any friends and hobbies and who rots in front of a screen all day. I just see my parents as an example of the ways that I do not want to live my life tbh. But I do think I'm getting better at handling this and that I don't shy away from responsibility and challenges as much. I mean, I've never been averse to taking responsibility but I guess there are certain adult milestones that seemed very scary that don't feel as scary anymore as I have been trying to take myself more seriously / not underestimate myself. When it comes to the career stagnation, I think have been going through a phase on and off as I have been trying to come to terms with having to stick to my corporate job longer than I would like. I feel like I have confronted some of the emotional baggage around that where I felt like my life is not turning out the way I want it to and that I'm not going to amount to anything. I feel like I have been giving myself a more realistic timeline for achieving big goals and various adult milestones which has helped with coping. I also made a couple friends in my job which has helped immensely because I have a couple people I feel comfortable being myself around. That itself has helped me not dread work as much. And finally, I have been making the most of my job and I have been working harder, not to the point where I'm burning out, but to the point where I challenge myself more to avoid falling into the nihilism that drains me. I feel like actively engaging with work socially and in the work itself has helped my burn out around it because so much of my burn out was coming from a lack of passion and feeling like I have to be this super toned down version of myself rather than working at an unsustainable pace. I do feel a little disappointment with the notion that I will be working in corporate for another year but I don't feel the same existential dread I felt before. I also feel like I have better lifestyle habits and that I actively engage with the world around me more. I think touching grass and doing things that are inconvenient but fulfilling has been a very good experience for me. My apartment is cleaner, I'm working out again, I do little things here and there socially, I met some new people, I decreased my screentime, I go outside my apartment more often etc. Overall, my brain feels like it's in a better place by caring more rather than less. I still feel like I can do better though. I still want to do the experiment where I switch over to a dumb phone. I want to get better about cooking since I fell off of that goal. I want to continue trying to make more friends who are actively in my life and improve on some of my social skills. I want to fix my attention span lol. And I want to be more proactive politically as well. But overall, I feel like I'm off to a really good start with addressing the nihilism. ----------------------------------------------- While this year has been depressing, I think I am tackling things. I still feel kind of depressed but less so ever since tackling my internalized cultural nihilism. I journalled about some of the things that have been making this year depressing and mid like 3 months ago: I think to add on the list, I feel like I also have some hang ups around sexual and romantica desireability that I'm working through. So I can add a touch of incel depression to that. I would also add to the list that I have been depressed over the stagnation in my life, mainly careerwise, in September / October, but I would also cross that out now in November because I feel like that has been handled.

Using Marriage and Kids as a Short Cut I know historically I have used this journal as focusing on sex and relationships but I think this topic is relationship and romance adjacent so I decided to put it here rather than my main journal. I'm in my mid twenties and so far, it's been an interesting time. I have met people my age and younger who have gotten married and hell, popped out a kid or two. I think part of it is just me living in Texas lol. I wouldn't say that any of these people are my close friends, mainly just acquaintences, coworkers, and people I went to highschool with who I haven't talked to in almost 10 years. So it isn't hitting super hard yet. But I am starting to feel some pressure around this topic. I wrote about this previously here: While the external, explicit pressures for women to get married and have kids are very real such as relatives nagging you, podcast bros comparing you to expired milk once you turn 25 and have not yet gotten married, people saying you're gonna die alone with cats etc. are very real, I also think that not enough people talk about the implicit pressures to have kids and get married. I think a lot of one's social support is expected to come from the nuclear family after you graduate from school and that friendship and community are an after thought. If anything, I feel like a lot of people see the nuclear family as a kind of pseudo-community. But the reason why I saw pseudo is because I don't think that it's wise to isolate yourself to your romantic partner as the only person who is one of your peers. That can put a lot of people in vulnerable and sometimes even dangerous situations. It's also, not great to put all your eggs in one basket and expect your significant other to be your everything. That puts a lot of pressure on them. Also, while kids take up a lot of time and energy, and they are a huge source of connection and love, there just certain things that you cannot emotionally get from a child. And big thing is reciprocity because you are in the caregiver role. And let's say you had the best case scenario wher you have an amazing partner and you have a great family life. But once those kids grow up and start building separate lives with their peers, you're gonna be back in square one with no community as you deal with empty nester syndrome because you put all your eggs in the marriage and kids basket. I also feel like there are a lot of people who opt to get married / having kids as a short cut to meaning, purpose, and fulfillment in their lives. That's not to say that these cannot be fulfilling endeavors, but I'm of the view that kids and a spouse shouldn't bring you fulfillment rather you need to build a fulfilling life so that you can share that and pour into the spouse and kids. And I don't blame people for seeing this as a short cut. Raising kids is an 18 year long journey and when you're preoccupied with something like that, I'm sure it cause you to drown out any other existential crisis you may be having because you need to focus on taking care of another person and because a large chunk of your life has been mapped out for you solely based on this one decision. I think a lot of people do not have proper long term goals and as a result, they feel a little aimless once the structure of school is taken out of the equation. That's why you have the joke that once you get to your mid twenties, so many people are going to grad school, training for marathons, getting married, or going to Japan. Again, I don't think that having kids is not a worthwhile long term goal. I just don't think it should be your only long term goal for a lifetime. I just don't think that expecting kids to help you with your existential crisis is smart because you're expecting a baby who cannot even walk yet to solve your adult problems. If anything, they're probably gonna multiply it. I really hate the concept of people "having a baby to fix their marriage" or people marrying off their sons because they failed to raise them and they think giving him the responsibility of a wife and family is going to make him into an actualized man because the wife will keep him in line. I do think there is a chance that having a kid or getting married can have a positive influence in your life in the way that it can give you structure and an incentive to behave responsibly. I don't think that the solution to everything is decreasing stress and life's challenges. Sometimes, adding more challenges in your life can help you improve other aspects of your life. I know stories of single moms who were wilding out when they were young and then once they have a kid, it radically changed them for the better. But I also know a whole lot more stories of traumatized, unactualized people having kids and getting married and that adding fuel to the fire which then gets other people burned. And as a result, I don't think that marriage and kids should be the antidote to other issues even though lifes challenges can help people because there is a much larger risk of things going wrong. Which then brings me back to the importance of having proper long term goals that give you structure and going the actual work of finding meaning and purpose in your life outside of romance and children.

I've been exploring my sexuality and what I do and don't find attractive for a while but I've been doing that more lately. I think about sex and intimacy WAAAYY more than I want to admit and I think I'm at a point where I need a outlet to lay out all of my thoughts. I don't know what kinds of posts I'm going to do or where this is going to lead but I hope that I can utilize my pent up energy and make something constructive out of it. A little background: I have considered myself asexual from the age of 14 to 21. That has had a huge impact on my relationship with my sexuality. Now I'm in a place where I'm questioning my orientation mainly because I'm on birth control now and the pill is messing with my hormones and my head. I thought I was very sure about my sexual orientation but I guess tf not. I'm just rethinking a lot of things tbh. Also, I find the topic of attraction really interesting as a whole and the way that different dynamics interplay with one another and how a lot of things regarding sexuality, though they may seem raw and unfiltered, don't exist in a vacuum. This has been kind of a side interest that I enjoy talking about with people but it wasn't anything that I looked into on my own until now since I'm getting interested in all of this more. So yeah... let's see where this journal goes

I was going through something similar about a year ago or so where I felt like I was so sure that I wanted to go into something that utilized my international relations degree whether that be working in a NGO or something adjacent to foreign policy. Given what's going on in the U.S. right now, that's not the smartest move when it comes to paying the bills or have any kind of stability in your life. That was hard thing to come to terms with. Especially since I'm in a souless corporate job that felt like wage slavery. I'm fortunate enough to be in a decent work environment making good money in a low cost of living area. Existential dread aside, I have it good materially. But I can't say that the material security overrided feelings of *what the fuck am I doing with my life* or *I feel like I'm wasting my life spiritually withering away* etc. The way that I have learned to cope with this is to see my corporate job as a means to an end. Sure, I might have to be here longer than I want to, but this is going to help me set myself up for success later on. I'm saving my money. I'm getting work experience. I'm building my work ethic. I'm enhancing my skills in navigating my work life socially speaking. While I don't feel a sense of meaning in my job, I do find joy and fulfillment in some aspects of the work I'm doing and I try to focus on that. And I try to derive the sense of meaning else where such as friends, family, other hobbies, and of course as I continue learning about different social, political, and cultural topics. I don't see making money and getting basic human needs met as directly opposed to putting in effort towards fulfillment rather they often go hand in hand. There is also a high chance that I'm probably going to stay in a corporate role for the rest of my life. And yes, that was also hard to deal with, the possibility that my dreams will never be actualized. I then dissected what my dreams meant and how I can incorporate that to the constraints of my current life. Sure, I might not have a travelling job, but I do have a good amount of PTO I can use towards travel. Sure I might not be moved to work abroad due to the nature of my work but I can request a transfer from my current job. Those are just examples. I also consider myself to be a relatively intrinsically motivated person which has it's pros and cons. The pros are that I'm good at pursuing fulfilling endeavors one way or another even if I'm not in the position to fully immerse myself in it. It allows me to maintain a sense of authenticity and I think that in turn helps me pursue goals in a more healthy and sustainable way. The cons is that external rewards don't keep me going to where my eyes glaze over when my boss talks about raises and promotions because honestly, given my financail position, an extra $10k isn't going to radically change my lifestyle or sense of fulfillment / happiness in my life. Which then puts in me in a weird place because so much of the world, especially corporate, is so externally focused and it all just feels really hollow to me because it simply doesn't resonate. Yes, like a lot of my coworkers, I don't get fulfillment from my job. But while they can be externally motivated and see how this job can help them idk get more orders from Amazon and have consummerism be a motivator to keep going to work, I'm here getting an existential crisis because my sense of motivation doesn't work that way. Insterad, I try to focus on the peace of mind my job brings so that I can focus on other areas of my life instead of being like *well, at least I can buy a Labubu without breaking the bank.* I guess I have a few questions that you do not have to answer rather I would encourage you to contemplate for youself. Do you actually love making music or do like the lifestyle and fantasy that comes with it? Why is that and where is that coming from? And is your why and where coming from a healthy or survival oriented place?

Exactly. The how and why matters a whole lot more than the what when you're discussing life purpose and fulfillment.

overhelmed I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I have so much shit to do and not enough hours to do it in a sustainable way. I have some things I need to complete for work that I have been putting off. My apartment isn't as clean as it normally is. I have been at my parent's house for too many days in a row. I have a lot of things I want to journal about. And I have been unpacking some really heavy emotions in therapy which has been dampening my ability to lock in. Today, I really didn't want to go to work. I was really thinking hard on calling in sick but I decided against it. Normally, I have a rule with myself that if I want to call sick and I'm not actually ill, that I have to work from 7 am to 9 am, and then check to see how I'm doing and if I want to take the rest of the time off. Most of the time, by the time 9 am hits, I have usually decided opt for one of the following: Work for the rest of the day. Sometimes I feel bad in the morning and either I finish waking up and I'm fine, or maybe I'm dealing with something but it's managable enough for me to push through, or maybe work helps give structure to a day that I would have otherwise wanted to rot away. Work til 10, take an early lunch break, come back at 11 and see if you want to take the rest of the day off. Most of the time, I feel fine and I can work the rest of the day. Work til 12 and definitely take the rest of the day off. Because I'm salaried, if I work half a day and take partial time off, I don't officially have to take a sick day. Just take the rest of the day off because I still feel like shit at 9 am. I ended up doing option 1 which I opt for most of the time. But after work, I just felt done. And right after work, I had therapy which was emotionally heavy and then I had to drive 45 min to my apartment right afterwards. It all felt very back to back. I was also worried about making dinner or figure out what to do for dinner since my boyfriend was coming over. When he came over, he brought some leftovers from his office's Thanksgiving celebration which was nice because my meal was covered. Since he also ate a lot for lunch given the celebration, he just wanted something light for dinner which was great for me because I didn't have to run around. Then we watched a move and cuddled. Don't get me wrong, all of that was nice but I still fee exhausted. I don't want to go to the office tomorrow and wake up at 5:30 am. Also.. my brain is doing that fun thing where it tries to convince me that everyone secretly hates me and that I'm awful to be around. It's also replaying the friend break up I had earlier this year on loop. I've also been dealing with this depressed, lonely, and heavy feeling in general because of things that are coming up in therapy.

I'm just creating a separate journal for myself where I can pour all of my negative emotions into and just rant/ vent in. I'm not dealing with an influx of negative emotions rather I just want to have a separate space for this apart from my main journal where I have more constructive and coherent posts. I have been journalling privately about things like this so I can have the space to just let things out but sometimes I feel like I want to share things that are kind of in the middle of me spewing things out (which I can do privately) and me having more contructive thoughts (which I have been doing in my main journal).

I could if I really wanted to. I have a remote job and if I were to get all my groceries and food delivered, I could easily go months without talking to people face to face. But no, I try to make it a point to go out side my place once every couple days whether it's to work out, run errands, hang out with people, or just touch grass in any other way lol.

I feel like in terms of the hero's journey and the way that it's mythologized in the larger than life analogies of where you're going on this adventure and you're fighting these demons, achieving mastery in a craft, and eventually getting to the holy grail is not inaccurate but limitted. As a result, we put the heros journey on this pedestal and correlate it with other super asipiration things like being self-employed, being an entrepreneur, or being world class in a skill and have that grant you with money, fame, and clout. But I think that you can still be aligned with your life purpose, go on the heros journey, and it can be something as mundane as being middle school teacher. You have gone on a journey, usually through college and certifications to get here. You continue on the journey by engaging with the regular challenges of lesson plans, dealing with kids, parents etc. And over the years, you can really master being a good teacher in the way that you impact the lives of your students even if you just stayed a middle school teacher in the same school district the whole time. The point is that you can still honor your need and desire to have an external structure while also fulfilling your more higher and intrinsic motivations. The Hero's journey doesn't have to be a gamble, it can just be a way to frame a mundane yet immensely fulfilling life. And honestly, that's probably a much more sustainable way of going about it because I'm sure that you get fulfillment from other areas of life as well like through your family, friends, or other hobbies and you want to honor that as opposed to working 60-80 hour weeks on a business. Nothing wrong with the later but I think most people fall in the former category, regardless of gender.

Posts From My Main Journal 2025: I feel like I don't really post on this journal because in my mind it feels like a dead journal of sorts. But I feel like I have brought this back to life recently and it's been interesting to see my relationship to my desires mostly from July 2021 to May 2022 and how it relates to where I'm at in my journey now. There are some things from back then that I feel are cropping back up again but over all, I have enjoyed revisiting these reflections. It's been interestings to see how my views on gender, sexuality, and desires have been shaped over the years, especially given that the big difference from then and now is my current romantic relationship (I met him around the time I stopped regularly posting on here). It's been interesting watching me piece together and process things back then. I kind of feel like a proud older sister watching her sibling figure life out. It's been interesting to see what I still need to integrate and what challenges I find myself grappling with a new layer of years later. I'ts interesting to see the parallels and to feel seen by them. I also wanted to link a few posts from my main journal that I feel can find a home here as well.

A Touch of Incel Depression I think growing up I was taught that desire was unsafe and that it was for other people to experience. I thought desire was unsafe because it came with rejection and people being disgusted with me and I thought being desired was unsafe because while none of my crushes liked me back growing up, I attracted attention from all the wrong places. It was quite scary being hit on by a 30 something year old man when I was 14 because I was mistaken for a grown woman. It was depressing to have guys my age make fun of me and never really see me as an option. And while I never went down the full path of being an incel where I turned into a ball of hate and resentment, I did I wrote about similar things years ago about how I felt like I was being sexualized but I didn't have room to be sexual. I think this goes hand in hand with the notion of desire feeling unsafe: I was also reading previous posts and I feel like incel depression and envy is the best way to describe my relationship with my desireability: I would say what I'm experiencing is about 60% less intense from the time I wrote the segment above. I wrote this segment before I got into my current relationship and back when I was a virgin with no sexual experience whatsoever. I feel like getting into a relationship and as a result having sex semi regularly has helped a lot. But I feel like I haven't fully shed the incel identity. Part of me thinks that my current relationship and the fact that someone loves me and desires me was by fluke luck, like I'm a one hit wonder sexually and romantically. I know better and I know that's not the case but I do think that emotionally I still feel that way because most of my life I was not romantically loved or seen as desired and I haven't had enough corrective experiences to override my initial experiences. Speaking of having more social experience more broadly and having more sexual experience more specifically, I think the incel depression also coincides with feeling like I missed out on some of the social aspects of college due to the pandemic and also the social aspects of young adult life because of how the social landscape has changed, both culturally but also logistically. I miss regularly meeting new people. I miss having a sense of social abundance when it comes to making friends. I miss living life along side friends. That's the platonic part of the longing that comes with lonlinees. But then there is a FOMO feeling / grief that I experience when I think of my lack of sexual experience. Part of me wishes that I slept around in college and had more experience with being desired. Again, it goes back to the thing about the corrective experiences. I've also been reflecting on some of the recurring sexual fantasies I have including thinking about my professor, threesomes, and orgies. I feel like I could debate to the extent of which I would want to act on any of these in real life and what I would realistically enjoy but I'm going to focus on the fantasy / symbolism aspect of this instead. I think about my professor because it's the one time that I felt almost instant attraction. A lot of it has to do with the trauma I had back then as to why I latched on so quickly but I think he is just a recurring symbol of whatever the fuck I'm going through at any given time. Prior to my current boyfriend, he was the last person that I was infatuated with. And as someone with a history of unrequited crushes, there is a part of me that wishes I was desired the same way as I desired him. My instinct when I develop feelings for someone (unless I have proof beyond a reasonable doubt this person likes me back like the case with my boyfriend) is to hide away. Again, I also think that my reaction to people flirting or showing sexual / romantic attaction to me is the following. At first, I think I'm imagining it or I assume the other person is just being nice because the last thing I want to be is the girl who thinks everyone is flirting with them. Then, if this continues and intensifies, I think that this person is being deceptive, trying to play an elaborate prank on me, or is simply not serious about me. But then, if you finally make it stage 3 where I'm sure you are serious about me, that's when I freeze up and not know what to do on the inside. And because I have this kneejerk reaction to hide away when I like someone, to cover up my red face with makeup, and to try not to be socially awkward, part of the fantasy is being able to unapologetically be flustering around someone who is just as crazy about me so that they don't think I'm weird. If anything, they think it's endearing. Then there is the threesome fantasy. I think this has more to do with wanting to feel sexually abundant in my desireability. It kind of goes back to how I feel like my boyfriend being attracted to me often feels like a one off thing. Basically, I think of this audio: And finally, the orgies. I think in real life I wouldn't like orgies at all because it seems like an overstimulating environment to be in. But I feel like the appeal for me is rooted in having an exhibitionist streak. I like knowing that I turn other people on. And I think my exhibitionist tendencies are drawn to the fantasy of an orgy where other people are partaking in similar impulses as opposed to having sex in front on an audience. I also think the exhibitionist tendencies are also a shadow to my typical kneejerk reaction to hide away. Speaking of hiding away, I feel like working in corporate intensifies this when it comes to matters of sex and romance. Just in general, I feel like I cannot be my full self at work and I have to present the most vanilla, watered down version of my personality there. I cannot voice my opinions and values because often they are political and I doubt my coworkers want to listen to me rant about capitalism first thing Monday morning. I cannot be honest about what's going on in my life because I don't want to come off as negative, neurotic, immature, and incompetent. I cannot be fully honest about my joy because some things I'm joyful about might not get interpretted in the best light (I opened up about how travel make me happy and I found out R gives off MASSIVE passport bro energy so I decided to abort mission). And I cannot be honest about my plans and aspirations in life because they are **unconventional**. And I grew up feeling like I cannot be sexually or romantically myself, that I need to hide away in general. But I feel like it's especially true in corporate. At least in my regular social life I can joke about sex, have conversations in a constructive way, and maybe entertain a crush or two. But in corporate, depending on who you're around, that could be a fast ticket to an HR violation because they're simply not work appropriate topics. Not to mention that mixing sex, romance, and work usually leads to messy situations that can upend your entire life and career. Don't get me wrong, I do have coworkers who occasionally allude to their sex lives and I'm not naive to think that no one is engaging in sexual/ romantic relationships among coworkers on the down low. But corporate feels like an extra layer of repression not only in my regular identity but also when it comes to things I'm trying to deconstruct romantically/ sexually. TLDR: I feel depressed because I'm envious about other people's abundant sex lives thus causing me to fantasize about my professor, threesomes, and sometimes orgies. I also feel depressed because I'm unpacking feelings of undesireability and repression since for a large chunk of my life, desire felt unsafe due to rejection and inappropriate attention and I didn't have a sufficient amount of corrective experiences to fully override this.

Update: I worked out, went on a walk, went out to dinner and ate at Chipotle, took a shower, and talked to a friend on the phone. I don't feel exhausted anymore and while I still feel lonely, I don't feel like I'm mentally ruminating on it in the same way. I think I just need to go to bed at this point and tomorrow will be a new day.

Lonliness: So I have been feeling some lonliness. Life got busy and I haven't really hung out with my boyfriend for a week and we barely talked on the phone. Some things have come up at work and he has been working long hours for the past month or so. It hasn't really been bothering me personally but sometimes I do worry about him and I hope he's getting the rest that he needs. And my normal rhythm in the relationship is us hanging out twice a week with a couple of longer phone calls sprinkled in here and there. He ended up cancelling on me kind of last minute on Wednesday and I woke up on Thursday (yesterday) just feeling a little sad and wanting physical affection. I think this is a natural feeling and nothing to be concerned about. But the part that has me fucked up is the way my brain is interpreting this lonliness. My brain kind of went to this place of how so much of my social diet comes from my significant other and it sucks that my social life isn't what it was back when I was in school and college. While I do love my boyfriend, I do feel malnourished socially and I don't like him being such a large source of my social diet because so much of my life has been around friends and platonic relationships is something that I really value in my life. I don't like the feeling of knowing a good chunk of my eggs are in one basket and this small amount of lonliness was kind of a reminder of that which then led me to thinking about my platonic sense of lonliness. I have been dealing with platonic lonliness in some way or another since graduating. It's been difficult seeing relationships change and drift off over time because of changing priorities, life circumstances, and life challenging people (i.e toxic work environments, unsustainable hours taking up energy, bad romantic relationships). And sometimes I get sad. It not over a specific person not pouring into a relationship nor is it some kind of anxious/ avoidant attachment, but rather it's this feeling of isolation about how I feel like I care about and prioritize friendships differently from the people around me. Recently, I told my parents that I'm moving out of my current apartment and that I'm going to be living with my boyfriend. They are ok with it but they are panicking of how this will be received by their friends and community. They basically gave me a lecture that if I'm going to do this, I cannot let any of my childhood friends know about this because they're afraid that my childhood friends will tell their parents and then we will become the talk of the town. And their whole thing is that they are trying to process and come to terms with this and the last thing they need is having some aunty come up to them asking personal ass questions. Now, I know my friends are capable of exercising common sense and respecting boundaries. I have that degree of trust. But my parents went on this whole lecture on how my friends don't care about me, that everyone will talk shit behind my back, and I'm too trusting and naive in the way that I want to be authentic with people. My parents are very calculated and private people with walls to the sky and inability to connect to a lot of people. I can't say that I know the exact dynamics and ins and outs of their social circle (I'm sure some of those boundaries are very valid) but I can say that they do lead a kind of isolated life that I don't want to emulate and that seems exhausting to keep up with. However, their talks have been taking a toll and I can feel some unjustified paranoia rush over me as I begin to feel like my friends secretly hate me or that I'm overestimating my place in people's lives. I think this might be the last 5% of break up brain getting triggered from what my parents said but I do think this also triggers some other wounds I have in my childhood that they inflicted regarding being paranoid about everyone outside of the family and isolating oneself because no one can possibly love me outside of my family. It's a fucked up mindset and I can recognize that but I can't say that in times of emotional vulnerability that it doesn't affect me. I felt better last night after working out and going on a walk. Sure I was dealing with these feelings but I think it's good that I didn't rot in bed or doomscroll to cope. I felt myself clearing my head as I went on a walk and it was nice feeling the emotions pass through me like a cloud moving across a sky. It felt nice being able to observe the transience of difficult emotions. Today, I found myself feeling exhausted at work from the beginning to the end of the day. I didn't have much going on in terms of my work load but I just felt like I was dragging my feet all day. I also had to deal with some annoying ass complaints from the leasing office and the discussion didn't exactly do in the way that I wanted it to. But that's alright, I'm moving out in less than 2 months. I'm a little salty but it's whatever. After work, I just layed in bed for two hours. I just felt really exhausted and couldn't get myself to do much. I got myself up just now to journal about all this and later I'm going to go work out and take a nice hot shower. I think that will make me feel better and get my brain to a healthier place.

Sometimes people end up developing feelings and they don't have the best boundaries with themselves due to a lack of self control or any other psychological factors. Yeah... don't be that person. Have some boundaries with yourself at the very least and let her know that this isn't a good idea and that you will need to pull back from hanging out and give each other space until both of y'all get over this. I don't recommend getting involved because not only is this person married with kids, but she's also your coworker and that can end pretty badly personally and professionally. I recommend exercising self control and making moral decisions even if it doesn't feel great in the moment.

Desirability It's been about 8 months since the surgery. I can say for the past month or two that the way that my body felt distorted before has significantly subsided. I'm much more used to my proportions now. I have also been losing weight and have been able to do so in a consistent and reasonable pace now that I don't have this bottomless pit of urgency in terms of the insecurities I have with my body. But now that my insecurities around my weight are mostly gone, I feel like I have unlocked a layer of insecurities around my perceptions of my own desirability. I feel like my insecurites around desirability was always there but it wasn't in the forefront on my mind as it is right now because in the past, I had this thought that was along the lines of *hey, I'm not ugly, I just need to lose weight and get rid of my stomach.* But now, it's like.. *well maybe I am just ugly.* And I have just been trying to sit with it and process where this might be coming from and how to address it. I feel like for a large portion of my life (and hell, even now to a certain extent), I was always labeled as the weird kid to some degree due to my environment. And while I have always been able to make and maintain friendships, I do think that socializing always felt like an upward climb of sorts because I never found "my people" so to say. That said, I do think that I have built up some pretty good social muscles from the upward climb because now I'm in a place where I can still connect with most people on some level and not be awkward even if I don't have much in common with them. So, I'm not like lamenting not being able to fit in during my formative years. I did have a time I mourned this a little but I think I have tried to frame it as *even though you don't have the skill of being effortlessly confident and make friends easily, you do have skills around dealing with diversity, conflict resolution, clear communication etc. that you have built instead.* As for physical appearance, I don't think I'm ugly UGLY but I do think like pretty mid (like a solid 4-5). I think on most days I can come to terms with it since I have other aspects of my life and personality going for me. But sometimes, I do find myself crashing tf out over it. I find that social media is particularly bad for me right now as I'm working through this because the algorithm pushes the most societally beautiful and fit people to your feed all the time regardless of what content you consume. I've had moments where I had to put the phone down, go outside, and socialize / touch grass, or hell, just go to the Walmart near by so I can get out of that head space. Like during Halloween when I went to the rave and the parties, I found my brain feeling healthier because it's like *oh look, there are normal people with a variety of average builds putting themselves out there and embracing their bodies and sexualities. I'm not judging them so I shouldn't judge myself and be too in my head about things.* I also find this video to be pretty helpful: Basically, the video talks about how you're not ugly, you're just not being introspective. Everyone feels ugly some time or another, even the most beautiful people. Most of us are average looking and it's pretty rare that people are turning heads because they look disgusting or because they are show stoppingly gorgeous. Being "average" is perfectly fine because you're still beautiful in your own consciousness. And that beauty comes out when we are having a good relationship with our sense of self. And often, ugly doesn't even come into consideration unless we are comparing ourselves to someone else or some arbirtrary, societally constructed standard of beauty. I also remind myself of the people that I have found very beautiful and attractive over the years. None of them look perfect. And I don't mean that in a negative way where I'm criticizing someone (while I don't think they look perfect, I don't think they look "flawed" either) but I mean it in a *I like people who have character to their face and bodies and don't look like little mannequins.* Like if anything, people who look too perfect often give me a little bit of an uncanny valley effect. That's kind of how I feel whenever I look at the cast of Love Island lol. I also think about one of the most beautiful man I have seen in person. This was the head of one of the departments in my college. He had a physique and bone structure that I can only describe as statue-eqe. I took one look at this guy and thought *god took his extra time craving that one out of marble while he made the rest of us using Play doh.* He also had a bit of a George Clooney thing going on but then when I searched up what George Clooney looked like... George Clooney looked like a troll next to this guy. If this man was on the cover of GQ, I wouldn't question it because he would look like he belonged and that nothing is out of the ordinary. And whenever anyone would talk about our department and this guy, even if people didn't know his name, once they said *the guy that looks like a gigachad* EVERYONE KNEW WHO YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT. It doesn't matter what your sexuality or culture is, we all knew this guy was beautiful. All that said, I can't say that I was attracted to this guy in the same way that I'm not attracted to a Greek statue. Also... he's like 20 years older than me and I'm not attracted to older men like that. The point that I'm trying to make is that perfection and beauty doesn't always translate into being attractive and vice versa. I think one of the big reasons people don't like being considered average or ugly is that there is an implication that they don't deserve love, attention, attraction etc. I also think there is something to be said on how there are some people who treat people badly according to the way that they look, whether it's because they think the other person is ugly and doesn't deserve basic respect or if they think the other person is beautiful and they're lashing out in jealousy/ insecurity. Thankfully, as your local mid, I do not encounter either of those things. But while I'm happy I don't get pretty girl problems, it is a little sad that I don't get any pretty girl perks especially when you're conditioned to believe your beauty is a large chunk of your self esteem as a woman. It also doesn't help when you were kind of labeled as the ugly kid growing up and got asked out as a joke. I can laugh about it now and I can recognize logically that this not the case anymore as we have all grown up, but I guess deep down emotionally it still affects me even though I don't like to admit it. I think part of me is kind of repressed sexually and romantically. It's not a purity culture thing where I think I'm immoral, dirty, or like I'm violating the other person by having feelings or getting sexual thoughts. Like I'm not violating them so long as I'm not overstepping consent or being disrespectful. I just had a lot of unrequited crushes growing up, not because I'm into emotionally unavailable men, but because of luck and the context of my surroundings. I guess I'm also scared of people rejecting me, thinking I’m weird or creepy for desiring them, especially if I communicate it in the wrong way. The last thing I want to do is make someone feel uncomfortable and violated with my unwanted presence or attention. My default is also assuming that people aren't into me because that's been my main experience thus far (with the exception of my current relationship) and my default reaction to when I realize I have caught feelings for someone is to run away and hide so I don't embarrass myself or make things weird for the other person. And because I was asked out as a joke growing up a number of time, when people do show genuine interest in me, often times my brain either doesn't pick up on it or I think someone is being deceptive. And while my current relationship does help a lot in terms of me not falling into the depths of inceldom, I still think I need more corrective experiences. Honestly, after this past weekend, I think I just needed to touch grass. I think seeing people on the internet skews with my perception of what I consider attractive or chopped and what desirability looks like. I saw plenty of people who didn't have perfect bodies pull lol. I saw plenty of normal looking people still be able to have romantic and sexual attention. I think also the topic of desirabilty has a lot to do with power, politics, and culture and it's important to deconstruct that to have a healtheir view of ourselves. And I think for me personally, I need some corrective experiences in my life because for so long I was labeled as the weird kid and I was put in weird environments that got me viewing myself in a certain way.

An Inventory of My Social Skills: I have wrote about in the past how I have been itching to put myself out there more. This Halloween weekend, I was able to do that and I found myself thinking how I socially thrive in some things and situations but not others. And I was comparing that to the way that my friends have similar or completely different skill sets as well to see what I can learn from them as well as what I can teach them. The items in green are things I want to get proficient in because I think it's more a priority given my current values. The items in blue are things I just want to be moderately competent in where I'm not in a place were I think it's the most important thing to be good at but, nevertheless, I do think it is helpful life skill. The things in black are just things I'm content with. Moderate on conflict resolution skills: This is something I have been working on a lot over the past year. I think I'm pretty good at it considering my current romantic relationship as well as the sometimes difficult/awkward conversations I had with friends. I think I have a good foundation of coming at things in good faith and being mindful of how I may come off to others and vice versa which I am going to elaborate on the Proficient section. But I do feel like I have room for improvement here as I watch a number of creators who I feel like have a good handle on this skill. Moderate on public speaking: I can do presentations and talk in a group setting without losing my shit. I may need a heads up and some time to prepare but for the most part, I'm all good. I'm pretty competent in this area of life as far as it is needed in my professional and social life. But I cannot say that I'm proficient to where I can easily give impromtu speaches or rizz up a crowd lol. And that's perfectly fine. Moderate on dealing with kids: I think I have the basic skills to make sure that kids don't hurt themselves and do something stupid and I have the skills to relate to teenagers without talking down on them or coming off as someone who isn't safe for them to go to. I think I also know a decent amount of healthy parenting strategies to prevent kids from internalizing common toxic societal things (i.e. teaching kids how to identify and regulate emotions instead of yelling at them and saying they're bad or worse, weak for crying). But at the same time, I do feel like I can be a little awkward around kids and that I lack certain life experiences to be truly proficient in this area of life. Moderate on confidence: I would say that I'm pretty good about self respect but I'm not good with confidence. Don't get me wrong, I'm not hiding in a corner on my phone at a party, but I cannot say that I don't have any social anxiety and that I'm boldly introducing myself and making friends. While I'm not super self deprecating and oozing shame when dealing with work issues and putting myself out there romantically, I'm also not moving with the confidence of a delusional white man or instagram model lol. I just feel like I'm average in this department. Moderate on finding like minded people: I feel like a lot of this stems from me being in environments where I've had to adapt and assimilate in some way. As a result, I think I'm better at creating bridges with people and prioritizing diversity over relatability.I'm not so lost to where I'm bending over backwards to fit in with people, but sometimes my social life feels like an upward climb because of a lack of relatability. I do think this is a skill I want to strengthen because I'm noticing some things being in common that are foundational for me to have good friendships with people. At the same time, while I want to improve on finding like minded people, I do think that that I still to value diversity of thought and life styles to where I would never want to be surrounded by carbon copies of myself in different fonts. That's why this is blue instead of green. Moderate on small talk: I think I'm good enough at this to build rapport with people and not come off as a weirdo but I cannot say I'm good at this to where I'm just rizzing people up left and right lol. Moderate on hosting: I feel like I'm decent at this but I can't say I'm like Martha Stewart level put together. Proficient in balancing my life and being reliable with commitments: I'm pretty good at making plans, following up with people, being flexible if something comes up, not cancelling anything last minute, and checking on people even when my life gets busy. And I do think that a big part of this is that I have a decent work life balance that enables me to have the time and energy to pour into myself and the people around me. Proficient in dealing with diverse backgrounds: I think a large chunk of this is my education on different cultures/ social issues as well as me always being in settings with people different from myself. I do pride myself in knowing that I'm invited to the cookout, I'm invited to the brown wedding, I'm invited to iftar, I'm invited to a random Hispanic 2-year old's party, and that I'm invited to lunar new years. In addition to that, I'm pretty good at managing differences in socio-economic status as well as people who are in different industries, stages of life, or life styles. Proficient in attracting good people in my life: I've had very little drama and negative falling outs with people. I think generally speaking, I attract pretty ethical people where I'm not even put into the possition of messiness. Proficient in self respect / boundaries: While I'm not the most confident person, I'm pretty good about not staying in unhealthy situations where people are treating me badly, I'm pretty good about knowing my values and staying true to that, and I'm good at knowing when to prioritize myself and my sanity. I'm also good at recognizing red flags and discerning between disappointment and disrespect. I guess the difference between the outward confidence and being able to utilize these skills is playing defense vs offense. My offense is moderate but I do have rock solid defense in terms of my confidence. Proficient in small / 1-1 settings: I would say that hanging out with people 1-1 or in small groups where we can just talk to each other is my comfort zone as far as socializing goes and it's where I have had the most luck in developing longer term, deeper relationships. Proficient in keeping friends and keeping a partner: I'm pretty good at maintaining my relationships and keeping in touch with people. I think it also goes back to the point of having very few negative falling outs with people. Proficient in managing my neurotic tendencies: I have put in a good amount of work in therapy to deal with my issues, behave in an ethical well thoughout way, have decent character, and not have my traumas negatively impact my relationships. I'm also decent at regulating my own emotions if something has come up and deal with social situations with a decent amount of tact even if emotionally I feel like I'm all over the place. Proficient in self awareness: I think I'm a pretty self aware person who is capable of having constructive conversations and taking in feedback from others. Proficient in listening and empathizing: I have been told this my friends that I'm a pretty good person to go to if they need to talk or share about things and I think it has made it possible to make deeper connections more easy. Low on making friends and finding new partners: I think while I'm good at hanging on to current connections, I'm not the best at making friends wherever I go. I think part of it is that I can be a bit of an acquired taste socially where it takes me a moment to warm up to people and it takes a minute for people to warm up to me. But another thing is that I think I can be kind of to myself, isolated, and guarded at times. And of course, I think the lack of social abundance you face after school/ college plays a role in exasserbating that. And sometimes I wonder how much of it is me versus the environments I find myself in. Low on managing group settings and parties: I can get overstimulated in parties and group settings with a lot of people to where I get so focused on observing others to where I don't really contribute. I also think in general I'm not used to settings like this and this is just a muscle I don't work on very often. I think it's a simple fix of needing to get out more lol. Low on sexual experience: Yeah... I'm not even going to pretend. I'm not the greatest sexually and I think a lot of it has to do with a lack of experience since I have only been with one person. But I will say, I'm pretty good about being open minded and communicating (in general but also in this area of my life). And I feel like as a result, even though I kind of suck, I'm not like sexually unsatified. Low on socializing in corporate: I just feel like I'm still figuring my shit out in this area of life and it's just taking longer since I only go into the office once a week at most for the past year and a half. Before, that, I would go in very sporadically. I'm capable of working together in a team and just being friendly with coworkers so they don't think I'm a weirdo. I'm not also behaving in a way that would jeopardize my professional relationships. But at the same time, I'm not good at navigating office politics or the event when people are coming at me crazy. Low on healthy anger, debate, and healthy defensiveness: I tend to freeze up when people come at me crazy and I think that comes at the expense of me standing up for myself at times. Like, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to stick around in a bad situation, I'm going to ignore the crazies or remove myself from a situation. But sometimes, you do need to put up a fight and clap back and I'm just not good at that. Debates also freak me out because I feel like my default way of operating is to find common ground and engage in good faith discussion rather than focussing on the optics of my arguments or the best way to convince others. And while it's good that I can engage in good faith without lashing out and getting defensive, I do think that people can take advantage of this and hurt me in certain situations because I'm not defensive in a healthy way. Low on flirting: Yeah.. I can be kind of awkward in romantic situations. I don't have the rizz lol. But that said, I think that while I'm not creative and artful in the way that I flirt, I can be pretty direct which has it's own pros. I also think this is something COVID fucked up for me lol.

I feel like just posting and acknowledging my mental load in the previous post at like 6 am in the morning helped a lot in terms of me being able to do what I need to do to get through the day. I almost instantly felt better after writing things out and I feel pretty decent now that I finished work and I got some important things that were weighing on me done. I still don't feel like I'm 100% myself but I do feel like I'm like 70% there. Which is a huge improvement since at the time of writing my previous post I felt like I was at 25%. I think this journal is doing its job.

Emotional Exhaustion Rant: It's nearing the end of October and I feel emotionally done. Over the weekend, in both Saturday and Sunday, I had a 2-3 hour of pure bed rotting where I wasn't doing anything other than just laying there (no scrolling etc.). I also slept in both of those days until 10:30 which is not typical for me on a weekend even though it isn't unsual for me to sleep in. I usually only sleep in until 8-9. I was feeling overstimulated and the sleeping in and the bed rot session felt much needed. But also, the fact that I need this much rest is out of the ordinary and I need to process that. I'm writing out this piece before work because I just need to let this out in order to be a functioning person. 1. October is always a busy month for me because of the number of relgious and social events going on. I was booked back to back. It was fun but I still need time to recharge and I feel like I didn't get room to breathe. 2. Everything that came with the wisdom teeth removal: Like I'm good now but this plus everything else on this list I feel like has a residual effect where it's not manifesting as distress but a compounding sense of exhaustion. 3. The emotional exhaustion my birthday can bring: Thankfully my actual birthday went well (and I wasn't on phone duty) but I did have to deal with the 12 days of crashing out before then. 4. My friend is going through a lot at work and I was on the phone with her for 3.5 hours on Monday night. I don't mind doing the work but it still took something out of me. 5. Work has been particularly annoying with some of the cases I was put on. Both Monday and Tuesday had the "monday" feeling and it feels like pulling teeth when it comes to getting through this week. I also had a couple of busy weeks back to back prior to this week and even September was kind of rough. I feel like I need to use a PTO day but I already took some time off for being sick and for the wisdom teeth removal. I don't want to seem like I'm creating a recurring pattern and unfortunatley, I think I'm going to have to hold off until Thanksgiving for a break. 6. I came back home and I told my parents that I'm moving in with my boyfriend in this upcoming year. Yeah.... they're still in the adjustment process for that and that took something out of me emotionally as well. This was last night. 7. I'm also on a calorie deficit of sorts and I think that's impacting the amount of energy I have in general and my overall mood. 8. I feel like I'm processing some things regarding my body image and desireability. But that's something I'm journalling about privately. 9. I'm also a little stressed at the thought of hosting Thanksgiving with my friends this year. I have no fucking clue on how to make a turkey and I have never done it before. I just want this week to be over so I can rot during the weekend. It's only Wednesday, and the day has barely begun.

The other side of a friend break up I had this messy friend breakup that lasted from early August 2024 and lingered into the end of February 2025. That has been fucking with my brain. I will say that by the end of March I was like 80% over it but that last 20% has been lingering. Then by September, I started to feel like I was on the other side where most of the pain subsided to where I felt like I see the life lessons in this situation. And I've had like a month or two to let those lessons simmer and I want to journal about it. I would say that the biggest thing is that this situation taught me about the type of friend I do NOT want to be. I don't want to be the friend with no conflict resolution skills: Conflict is inevitable and it comes up when you're in a long term relationship with anyone. Misunderstandings happen, people aren't perfect, but so long as you can communicate your needs and take accountability, I think that helps you preserve your relationships as well as help each other grow. Sometimes we need the friction of other people to smooth out our rough edges and I think we're living in a world that values emotional convenience over connection which can cause us to deem any form of friction as erosion. I don't want to be the friend who ghosts (or tries to ghost others): I think that ghosting people who you have considered close is pretty confusing and existentially bad to the person who you're ghosting who was probably under the impression that things were fine this entire time. I don't want to be the friend who people pleases and doesn't voice her needs or when someone did something that bothers her: I think a lot of the stuff that the other person was going through can be wrapped up in not being proactive with something that bothers her to the point where it bubbled up and exploded. I also think the person I was dealing with was probably around a lot of toxic form of conflict in her workplace and maybe even in her romantic relationship. And in my experience, when you're around so much toxic conflict, you also tend to paint healthy and natural forms of conflict as toxic as well which then causes you to be conflict avoidant / a people pleaser. I wouldn't be surprised if because she was surrounded by volatile people she would get into screaming matches with if she brought something up that she would think that I would react the same way if we were to have a conversation. I can see how trauma can cause this kind of bias but it's also like, anyone who has had conversations with me knows that I'm not a volatile person and that I am capable of working through things constructively and in good faith. Basically, I think this person has a lot going on which has affected her ability to handle conflict and she probably doesn't know me like that. I don't want to be the friend who doesn't give people the space to grow and take accountability: I understand that growth isn't perfect and that people can still make mistakes in that path but I don't want to write someone off who is genuinely trying. So long as we had a conversation and I can see that you're making moves in the right direction, I think that's good enough. I think it can be dehumanizing and harsh to expect perfection in ourselves and the people around us. Again, it reminds me of this quote: I also believe that being a friend also means holding each other accountable. Like I don't want a group yes men who will validate everything I'm going through and be unconditionally supportive. I want people to call me out or reassure me when I'm not thinking straight. I don't see people disagreeing with me or people not being unconditionally supportive as them being negative. I'm not the type of friend who won't say anything and will sit and watch the circus go down as their friend is running around like a clown and ruining their life. I'm also not going to be the type of person that lectures, nags, or keeps bringing the same thing up (I'm not their mom or their therapist) and I'm not going to be the type of person to say I told you so either because I want you to feel safe even if you made the wrong decision. I will mention something once or twice and then let you make your decision because you have agency and some people need to learn from their life experiences and fuck around and find out to have certain things stick. I'm going to start judging people by their significant other/ long term partners: Of course there are caveats and nuances here. I'm not going to judge people and victim blame those in abusive situations. I'm not going look down on people who made a few bad decisions here and there as they are learning through life experiences. But what I am going to consider is that birds of a feather flock together and the type of partner you choose does say something about you. And if you're dating a weirdo, either you yourself are weirdo on some level or you tolerate that type of behavior. Either way, I'm proceeding with caution. I'm more mindful about things like weaponized therapy speak and hyper individualized self care: I did a few posts talking about this so I will not be elaborating. I'm also at a place where even though I can see where I might have fucked up, I can also see ways that her breaking up with me in this way might also be more of a reflection of what's going on on her end rather than mine. She was working in a very volatile work environment and had a lot of chaos in her life: I'm sure that what I did was the straw that broke the camels back but also, the camel was holding on to a lot of other things that was contributing significantly more to that weight than my straw. And kind of what I was saying earlier, I think the toxic confict she was facing in this environment also caused her to react disproportionately to healthy conflict and me trying to figure out what was going on her end in good faith. And I think as she was going into a more peaceful time, she's kind of over correcting and going into the toxic positivity route. I had that era too and I can recognize that this is part of the process sometimes but it sucks that I was collerateral damage in her journey of personal growth. She may or may not be in a toxic relationship: I don't want to say that she is for sure because I have limitted evidence of it and I don't want to make bold claims of people I don't know like that. But she has said things about this man that has cause me to be like *girl... that's not normal..* And I wonder if this relationship was worse than I thought and I was unknowingly navigating a minefield where I said the wrong thing that caused this person to want to distance herself from me and further isolate. I also remember a time in my healing from all of this where I was pissed because she can go to couples therapy and work shit out with this man that did fucked up things to her. But when it comes to me doing something minor, she's going to cut things off and never have a proper conversation about this. And now, my perspective has shifted a bit about this as I have been learning about toxic relationships. People who are trauma bonded to each other with the low lows and the high highs can sometimes justify and fight for things that don't make sense because they are attached to the abuser in a way that mirrors addiction. Maybe the reason she felt like she could leave without fighting for the connection when it came to me is not because she's male centered but because I'm not manipulating/ trauma bonding her to me. There might be other stressors going on that I have no clue about: Given that this looks like an avoidant person, I wouldn't be surprised if there were other things going on that I had no clue about that was also causing stress to cause her to react the way that she did. I think this person also might have the Bumble BFF brainrot: I will not elaborate since I already did posts about convenience culture and how that is translating to people on apps as their main form of socialization. At this point, I think I'm like 95% over it. I still have a few thought loops that go along the lines of: I think I'm a trauma dumping crazy person who is miserable to be around and that makes me scared to open up to people at times. Sometimes I think people secretly hate me and I have no friends. I'm scared I might be overestimating my place in people's lives But on the bright side I have been making a couple of new friends and been opening up more at work. I think that has been helping me combat the thought loops above and it's making me think *hey, you don't suck socially, you just dont have as many opportunities as you did growing up so finding and making friends takes longer than it used to.*

Disclaimer: I don't want to hear from the pick up artist, podcast bro crowd and if things get even a little out of hand to where this coversation starts devolving, I will ask the mods to close this up or I will delete this thread all together. I'm looking for the opinion of people who are on the older than myself (30+) who feel like they have successfully settled down in their life to where they feel fulfilled. I have been with my current boyfriend for 3.5 years. We met when we were 22 and now we're 25/26. We have a healthy and supportive relationship, there is no question about it. We have been regularly talking about our future together and what that can look like. I don't have a ring on my finger yet and I'm not making announcements to friends and family but my boyfriend and I like to joke that we are "down low engaged" since we are actively working to build a life together and see if we are compatible in that way but we just haven't made it official. We both still have things to figure out in our lives from sorting somethings out careerwise, where we want to live and settle down, and if I want to have a kid one day (he's pretty certain that it's a no). There is no question that he is a good boyfriend and this is a good relationship. The question is whether or not we are compatible life partners and if we want compatible life goals. I'm feeling really stagnant with my life because I haven't been able to make the move cross country and transition out of my current job. The main reason why is due to politics. I want to work in foreign service and utilize my international relations degree however the job market is really bad right now to where the people I know in my field who have worked in this field either got laid off months ago and are still struggling to find work or they have a job that used to be relatively stable but now they are on constant edge due to the shenanigans in the Trump administration and they are being severely underpaid. I on the other hand have a stable corporate job that I'm excelling in when it comes to promotions as well as monetarily. I also have family members (and I myself) am keeping a watchful eye on how this is going to play out. If shit hits the fan and I need to gtfo of the U.S., this job is my ticket to do so. It's as simple as signing a few papers and getting a transfer. While I may not like having to be in this job longer than I expected, it doesn't make sense for me to make a move careerwise and I would be foolish to throw away a job that pays well, has good work life balance, has opportunities, and could be a ticket out if shit hits the fan. Nevertheless, I have made a plan to make the most of this job and the oppotunities that come with it so that I can actualize my goals. In addition to not being in my desired career, I'm also not sure where I want to settle down at. I have lived in the Dallas metroplex all my life and I have always wanted to know if I'm cut out to live in a walkable city as opposed to the concrete suburbia I have known my whole life. Something like that can impact my whole lifestyle and as a result, it can impact whether my partner and I are compatible. He is unsure about where he wants to settle down but he is open to trying new things even if they make him nervous. And it's like, because I wasn't able to switch careers, I haven't been able to move out of the Dallas area to explore what that life style would be like. And because I don't know what settling down looks like in terms of broader desired lifestyles, I don't know if my current boyfriend is someone who would be wise to marry. Then there is the question about having a kid. I'm like 70% sure that it's a no for me. But my issue is, I don't know if this is a *no, not now* versus a *no, not ever.* I definitely know that I don't want kids in my 20s but I'm not sure about my 30s and beyond. My boyfriend being fairly certain that he doesn't want to have kids isn't something that turns me off from him. If anything, it's nice knowing that at least one of us has a solid position on this. This is still something I'm trying to figure out within myself and I don't want to marry someone while I'm so unsure about such a big decision in my life. I don't want to marry this guy now when we're 26 and then have to divorce him at 30 because I realized that I wanted to have a child after all. How is he reacting to all of this? He and I are having very constructive and honest conversations about how we feel about a number of different life scenarios. We're pretty good at problem solving and we always say that one of our strengths in the relationship is that it's never been us against each other rather it's been us against the problem. He is also incredibly supportive and understanding in all of this where he doesn't want to rush me in figuring my life out and he feels like he is supported and loved to where he knows that I'm not trying to stall or do anything to avoid commitment. He has been very gentle with my throughout all of this, much more gentle than I have been to myself. But my thing is that I'm scared that I might be wasting this guy's time. I'm scared of the possibility of us getting to year 6 and realizing this relationship is not working and we have to go our separate ways to where I've scarred someone for life. I'm also scared of potentially rushing into a situation that is not right for me and that erupting in flames. I'm afraid I am this chaotic person that doesn't know what she wants out of her life and that I'm wrapping someone I love into my chaos and that they might be collateral damage in me figuring myself out. I'm afraid of the possibility that maybe one or both of us might be compromising major life goals for the sake of being together subconsciously. I don't want this man to sacrifice core parts of him to make a life work with me and I don't want to do that for him either. And now that I'm about to turn 26, I'm also sensing the social pressure around me. Maybe it's beause I live in the south but I feel like a lot of people my age are married and have a kid (or 3) or they are sure about what they want out of life and are pursuing that. And while I'm not in a rush to reach these milestones, I am concerned for myself in that I don't even know what I want yet and here people are full on making permanent life decisions. And sure, I don't know what's going on in other people's lives, how they have come to the conclusions they have come to, and if they are acting from a healthy and authentic place. But I am sensing an air of judgement when I tell people that I have been with my boyfriend for 3+ years. When I would tell people I've been with him for about 2 years, everyone thought it was cute and sweet. Now it's like *oh...... that's nice* and they seem concerned about why we have been together so long and there is no ring. I know there are people out there that believe that if you are dating someone for more than 2 years and you don't know if you want to marry them or they haven't proposed, then you need to break up. I'm definitely not about to rush into marriage because I'm not about to make a major life decision out of peer pressure. Even if my timeline doesn't make sense for other people, that doesn't mean that it doesn't make sense for us. Nevertheless, I would be lying if I said that the peer pressure doesn't get to me sometimes.