soos_mite_ah

These are some of my basic reflections on the following questions. I think the parts that are bolded are the questions I find myself stuck on as I continue contemplating this.

I find myself contemplating motherhood a lot in terms of me trying to make more long term plans for my life. I'm trying to figure out if this is the path for me, if this is something I should do, and if this is something I'm even cut out for. I also want my thoughts to be organized in one place.

A Disconnection From Being About a week ago I went to a sound bath mediation session. I have gone to these sessions before and I found them to be quite calming. This session also felt calming but I found my thoughts racing. It wasn't about anything specific, my mind was wandering through various random memories I hadn't thought of in years. The person conducting the meditation was talking a lot about being and allowing yourself to observe your thoughts and feelings rather than being consumed by them. I intellectually understood what she was talking about but emotionally, it felt like a foreign concept. That's when I realized the extent to which my work environment and lifestyle was rotting my connection to spirituality. Since then, I have been using my walks and my workouts as a form of meditation, to be more mindful, and to process various things happening in my life. I have also been working in some silent meditation time as well. I feel like work has put me in a constant state of doing and rushing around to where it's been difficult to just enjoy life at times which is why I wanted this break in the first place. The first week of me being on leave consisted of me being anxious whenever I would go to sleep and wake up. I wrote about it before in the previous post about this topic: The second week was without this clockwork anxiety. I feel like this last week has been be starting to feel like myself again. I feel like I have been able to disconnect from work and feel more refreshed, however, there is this voice in my head that's like *wellp, we feel better, now it's time to get back at it.* Of course I'm not going to do that, I took like 8 weeks off for a reason. I should be allowed to feel like myself and bask in that instead of feeling like I need to get back to work. The fact that there is a voice in my head like that is part of the problem. Today, I caught myself feeling kind of depressed. I woke up at around 8:30 and I didn't want to get out of bed or do anything productive. I knew rotting in bed wasn't going to help so I went on a walk, did some chores, and completed a couple of tasks in my day. I do feel a bit better but the depression is still there. I'm dealing with an existential crisis about my reproductive choices and what that means for my life and current relationship going forward. It's something that I find myself thinking about nearly everyday and it feels quite heavy. I feel lost and disconnected with myself. I know that seems pretty contridictory since I just wrote in the previous paragraph how I'm starting to feel like myself again. I guess the best way I can describe this is that I feel more connected to my selfhood outside of my job but I still feel disconnected from a sense of passion and meaning in my life. My decision to either stay with my partner and be childfree for the rest of my life or to break up with my partner and hope that one day find I someone new and have a child feels very weighty and clouded by a variety of emotions which I'm still trying to make sense of. It's to the point where things that would typically bring me joy like travelling and learning about different cultures feels a bit dull at this time. And I don't know if this is a result of the depression or the natural development of my changing interests.

Just created yet another journal since my other journal was getting too long. I've also been wanting a new start and a new space since my last journal was started way back in 2021 when my life was very different from where I'm at right now. Here are my two previous journals for a quick reference/ recap: Psychoanalyzing Myself: 9/1/2021- 12/25/2024 The Joy Journal: 7/19/2020 - 9/7/2021

An Update On 75 Hard: 2+ Weeks In I have been able to stick to it for over two weeks now. My body is recovering faster though I am pretty fatigued and tired. I noticed that I require more sleep now with my increased activity. I find myself going to bed at around 12:30 and then waking up at 9:30 -10 naturally. So that's like a solid 9-9.5 hours of sleep whereas before I would typically need 7-8. I haven't been able to stick to the gallon of water a day thing. Yesterday, I went to the doctor and got my blood pressure taken. It was a 143 over 82. A normal, healthy blood pressure is 120 over 80. The doctor didn't say anything since this was a gynecologist visit. I have never seen my blood pressure that high. I've had instances where my blood pressure was abnoramally low due to the impact of stress on my body so this was very strange for me. I also got a blood pressure reading done about a month ago when giving blood and that came back normal. I thought of my recent lifestyle choices. I have been more active which is good. I'm sleeping better and more which is good. My stress is down since I'm not working which is good. And I'm drinking a shit ton of water. Turns out, if you drink too much water ( not like slightly over what you're supposed to drink, I'm talking like twice the amount you're supposed to) that can cause stress on your heart because it is pushing around extra fluid that its capacity. Symptoms worsen if you drink a shit ton of water at once instead of spacing it out (which is what I was doing to meet the gallon a day goal). Which then shows up on a blood pressure reading being higher than your normal. Then I read the symptoms of high blood pressure and I saw that there is usually a shortness of breath along with nausea. I did find myself experiencing this but I thought it was just anxiety or me not recovering well from workouts. Then, I also read some accounts of people trying to do the 75 Hard challenge where they drank a gallon of water a day and how that is really bad for people with high blood pressure. I did some calculations and I found that for someone who is 5'2", 150 lbs, and a woman who is fairly active, I'm only supposed to be drinking 2-2.5 liters. I was drinking close to 4 liters to get to a gallon a day so I'm sure this is culprit. So yeah, going forward. I'm only going to drink about 2 liters of water a day so that my heart doesn't freak out on me. The workouts have been good. Again, I appreciate how this is helping be get some structure in my day since I'm currently not working. I'm also incorporating more chill workouts like going on walks or doing yoga so that this isn't wrecking my body. I find incorporating the walks and yoga as pretty nice because I think that it is raising my baseline of daily physical activity which I think is good for maintaining sustainable habits and fighting off a sedentary lifestyle. I do find the tougher workouts I have been doing like running and weighlifting are improving so that's always exciting to see. I have also been trying new things in relation to workout classes so that has been fun. I still feel like I'm challenging myself and I have days where I don't want to do my two workouts but I make myself do that anyway. So I'm not taking the easy way out by incorporating more low impact workouts. Finally, I have been doing good with reading an hour a day. So far, I have completed 6 books. I'm pretty proud of myself considering I'm not that much of a reader. I also feel my attention span healing lol. I have been doing a mix of self help, educational, and fiction when it comes to the books I've been reading. I will say that I do to a certain extent understand the 10 pages a day thing when it comes to self help books specifically because sometimes, when you're dealing with totally new self help related content, you want time to comprehend it emotionally and for the message to sink in so that you can embody it. But I feel like if it's an old concept you have been exposed to before or it's a concept you already know about and it's just expanding on it, then you just need to slow down your pace of reading instead of capping it at 10 pages. Plus, I think for my goals for healing my attention span, the more longer passage readings I can do while retaining the information, the better. I remember seeing that part of the literacy crisis is that we tend to read shorter passages (think news articles, blog posts, comments on social media, passages on exams) instead of longer form content like full books.

I have decided to take a break from my corporate job for about 8 weeks as it was slowly eroding my mental health. I kind of want to keep track on what I have been up to during this time off and I'm going to use this space as a daily diary of sorts. I want to make sure I'm on track with my goals and that my days don't just blur together. My main insights and reflections are going to be in my main journal though.

5/28 Day 10 woke up at around 10 ate breakfast went to a coffee shop started on a new book did some journalling came home went on a walk read some more spent time with my boyfriend made dinner got another workout in went to sleep 5/29 Day 11 woke up at around 9:30 ate a snack did a work out took a shower laid in bed for a couple hours because of food poisoning > skipped lunch took notes / journalled about a book I was reading and finished that book drove to the doctor's appointment, went to the appointment, and drove back spent time with my boyfriend and watched some cute cat and dog videos went out to eat watched an episode of a game show played pickleball went to sleep

5/24 Day 6 woke up went on a walk made lunch cleaned the apartment took a shower journalled for a little bit drove back to my parents' house did a work out video read and finished a book 5/25 Day 7 woke up at around 9:30 went on a walk and went to a cafe > had some red bean bread came home and spent time with parents rotted in bed for a while talked to a friend did a work out video read a book watched a bunch of youtube videos on educational content and stayed up til 2am 5/26 Day 8 woke up at around 6:30 journalled a bit took a nap worked out outside ate lunch journalled some more started planning a trip and researching Australia Had dinner did another workout read a book and took notes 5/27 Day 9 slept a lot ate lunch picked up a package that was delivered in the wrong place read a book went to therapy meditated for a little bit read up on the news got started making dinner went to a workout class came back from said class and took a shower finished making dinner watched an episode of Euphoria went on a walk

@Judy2 Thank you

A Week and a Half into 75 Hard I am starting to get a bit bored of this challenge. But I do think that's a good thing in terms of establishing a routine. I do think that the challenge is working as intended for me as it is giving me structure in my day. I feel like the challenge is somewhat reasonable given that I'm not working. If I had been working 8 hours a day, it would be much more unsustainable. That's not to say it's not hard sometimes. I do think the 2 workouts every day does feel like an overkill. I'm constantly sore and I feel like my body isn't recovering super well even though I am making sure that one of the workouts each day is just me walking. I have noticed that I am sleeping more to accommodate this increase in physical activity. I catch myself needing like 10 hours of sleep instead of 7, which adds to how a challenge like this would be unsustainable if I was working 8 hours. Like the workouts are tiring already to where I need an extra 2-3 hours of sleep. I'm sure if I was adding the stress of working everday to the mix, I would be knocked tf out at like 8 pm every night. I had a workout yesterday that was much harder than anticipated. The workout was advertised as being about an hour long, from 10:15 to 11:15, but then it got extended to 12 ish. So I went in thinking it was going to be an hour and it turned out to be two hours almost. My body felt like jello afterwards and I ended up taking a nap. I was also able to sleep at a normal hour at night as well which is indicative of how exhausted I was given that under normal circumstances, I cannot sleep if I took a nap earlier in the day. I woke up this morning feeling incredibly sore to the point where my bed didn't even feel comfortable. It made me regret the whole 75 Hard challenge because I can feel my body begging for a rest day where I don't do anything at all. But I will say, I did eat lunch and drink a ton of water and I feel a bit better to where I feel like I can at least go on a walk and complete a workout video later in the day. It would probably be something lowkey like yoga because again, my body needs rest. I feel like the water drinking thing is working out for me. I have stayed consistent with the gallon a day thing and I feel like my body has adapted to it for the most part. I find that I pee less if I had a longer workout that had me sweating a lot. I also feel like I don't crave snacking or sugar as much since I started drinking more water. I know the whole *sometimes you're not hungry, you're just thirsty so just drink some water instead of grabbing a snack to see if you really want a snack* mentality. I don't think that's 100% accurate. I think hydration can prevent cravings before they happen but they cannot satisfy cravings once they are there. I have been doing good about reading. The original challenge says to read 10 pages a day but I thought that was dumb so I'm reading an hour a day instead. I feel like it's been good for my brain and I think the fact that I have been able to stick to this is an indication that my attention span isn't as fucked as what I initially anticipated. Granted I haven't been reading anything super challenging just yet but I'm glad I have a good baseline of literacy lol. I read a self help book, one of the smaller books related to my degree, a nonfiction book about hosting and creating community, and currently I'm reading some relatively easy fiction. I have still yet to delve into the more dense books that I read in my college years. But I'm glad that I'm at least building the habit of reading through these books.

5/22 Day 4 Woke up at around 9:30 Went to the gym Drove around downtown dallas for a bit looking for a specific coffeshop (the roads downtown can be a bit confusing) Journalled for a few hours in said coffee shop Went to the grocery store to pick up a couple things for the new receipies I found Was about to start making dinner only to realize that I forgot to defrost the meat in the freezer > ate left overs instead Went on a walk Spent time with my boyfriend Went to a sound bath meditation Read for a little bit 5/23 Day 5 Woke up at around 8:30 Went to a workout class that was like 2 hours long Ate lunch and took a shower Watched some YouTube videos Took a nap Read a book Folded laundry and cleaned up a little Made dinner Remembered I had a friend's birthday to show up for Went on a walk to complete my second workout for the day Got dressed Went out with friends Came home and fell asleep

5/19 Day 1 Woke up at around 9:30 Went on a 45 min walk since I'm doing 75 Hard and I need to do 2 45 min work outs, one of which being outside Tried a new restaurant for lunch Drank my gallon of water throughout the day Did housework: Scrubbed the shower as it was getting gross, did the dishes, cleaned the toilets, mopped the floor, and reorganized my closet. Went to a yoga class for my second work out Went out for dinner to celebrate being on leave Watched an episode of Euphoria Read and finished the book Untouchable by Mulk Raj Anand 5/20 Day 2 Woke up at around 9:30 Did my 45 min walk Cooked Lunch Watched some Youtube videos Meditated for about 30 min Journaled for a couple hours + completed some leave forms + ordered a couple books off Amazon Went to therapy Did the groceries Cooked dinner Played pickleball with my significant other Drank my gallon of water throughout the day Started on the book Having People Over by Chelsea Fagan 5/21 Day 3 Woke up around 10:30 Worked out for an hour and a half at the gym Took an everything shower Met up with my friend for lunch Took a nap Cut my hair Went on a walk for my second outdoor workout Did the dishes Made myself dinner with left overs Watched some Youtube videos Searched up some recipies I want to try Journaled a bit Finished the book Having People Over

My First Day on Leave Yesterday was by first day on leave. I have also been doing the 75 Hard challenge since 5/14. I woke up at around 9:30, feeling guilty for not waking up earlier. I then took myself for a walk for about 45 min to do my first work out and to count it as my outdoor workout. The challenge requires you to do 2 45 min-workouts, one of which being outside. I'm incorporating walking into this mix because doing 2 workouts everyday can result in over training so I want to give myself the opportunity to rest and recover while still staying true to the requirements of the challenge. I also decided to book a yoga class later in the afternoon for the same reason. I feel like I'm 5/6 days into this challenge and I have been sore ever since starting. I've also been peeing constantly because I'm trying to drink a gallon of water a day. It was hard during the first 3 days and I caught myself feeling sick but I found myself getting used to it now. I initially wanted to try out the gallon per day to see if it will work for and modify it to .8 gallons a day if need be but I think I can stick true to the challenge. After walking around for a bit, I went into this new restaurant that opened near me. The food was great and I saw that they had a really good lunch deal so I shared that with a friend and made plans to meet up on Thursday. Then, I came back home and did a bunch of cleaning. I scrubbed down the shower, cleaned the toilets, wiped down all the surfaces, did the dishes, folded the laundry, organized the closet, and mopped the floors. I would say it was very productive and my space felt much nicer afterwards. I was basically doing a bunch of little things I have been putting off. Then, I drove to the yoga studio, did my hour and a half in there, and came home. I made dinner for myself and my partner, did my one hour of reading, and watched Euphoria for an hour. Then, I cleaned the kitchen and started getting ready for bed. I caught myself feeling a bit anxious at around 8:30pm about the next day. I suppose I have been feeling this way for a while because it felt instinctual, like clockwork. The only reason I was able to catch myself was because I started thinking of the tasks I needed to do for work, only to realize I don't have work tomorrow. I think the guilt I felt towards waking up at 9:30 falls in this camp as well where it's like I'm getting this clockwork anxiety. The guilt was coming from not being productive enough and feeling like I'm lazing around on a weekday. Which isn't true because regardless of what time I woke up, I still managed to finish everything I needed to do for the day. I also started getting sad about missing my friends growing up and not having social media because I felt so disconnected. I talked/ cried to my partner about this and journalled about this privately, but I think it's just part of the grief process. I journalled about this today as well. I feel like I'm much more clear headed because I have this extra space today without feeling like I have to jump right into action for my job and as a result, I could sort out my feelings more. I think there is a distinction between being able to regulate your emotions versus processing them. Regulating your emotions has to do with identifying what you're feeling and finding a way to resolve those feelings (hopefully in a healthy way lol). Processing on the other hand, involves being able to zoom out, take a step back from how you're feeling so you can observe it, make sense of what happened, and move forward / accept things. I think while I was working, I have been semi-decent at regulating my emotions so that I can still be functioning person at my job and in terms of keeping up with various household duties. But I noticed that my ability to process was cut down / slowed down compared to what I was like when i was in college. And so much of it is because I have 8 hours of intense work taking up a lot of my time and energy to where I have only scraps of my capacity towards processing things happening in my life. That's not to say I haven't been processing and introspecting since I started my job, but it is to say I have been processing at a more extended timeline. Things that I could have processed in a day or two, like the wave of grief that came over me that I feel I have mostly processed less than 24 hours later, might take me a week if I had been working. And while I'm not seeing a pile up on things I need to process, I think that some issues in my life has been dragging on because of the time and energy constraints I have for processing due to a lot of that time and energy being dedicated to my job. Which is why I thought taking leave was a good option for me.

I was just browsing Leo's journal and I came across the following article. I felt really seen when I read this and I wanted to keep it somewhere I can easily find it (i.e. my own journal). I have also decided to hold off of psychedelics until age 25 but it may be longer since I'm trying to get certain things in my life in order (I'm 26 now). I made this rule for myself at 20 because I didn't want to accidentally fry my brain before the frontal lobe was cooked. Hold Off On Psychedelics If You're Young By Leo Gura - April 13, 2026 I recommend that you don’t do psychedelic until the age of at least 25, so that they don’t derail your focus on mastering survival. I also recommend you don’t get into heavy, regular use of psychedelics until at least the age of 30, for the same reason. Heavy and regular use of psychedelics will significantly derail your work on basic survival, family, relationships, career, and business. You need to have those things in place before you dive deep into trans-human states of consciousness or your overall life will be negatively impacted. Your 20’s should be focused on mastering basic survival: career/business, dating & social life, practical self-help, practical psychology, life purpose, financial security, emotional stability — not chasing mystical states. Be strategic about how you pace all this out. It is not good to dive early into psychedelics while the rest of your life is a half-baked mess. Your 20’s is all about building the practical foundation to handle all your basic survival needs, so you are not desperate and cornered. If you trip a couple times a year between 25-30, that’s okay. But if you’re tripping weekly or even daily, that will derail your foundation-building too much. If you take a lot of psychedelics, they will disillusion you with material life. This is okay later on in life, but a big problem early on in life before you solved survival. I am so disillusioned with life that it’s hard for me to even care about business, finances, dating, family. This is dangerous for an unestablished youngster. Disillusionment is a serious thing. You don’t want to be dealing with it while you are starting your business or career. Working on material success demands a certain level of illusionment. Deep spiritual work isn’t free, it has a cost, which is why most people don’t do it. I even want to go as far as saying, don’t do psychedelics at all until you’re 30+. The longer you hold off the better. I want you to be successful before you open that can of worms. I know that’s disappointing for those of you who are eager, but psychedelics are truly no light matter.

Things To Do During My Time Off If everything goes according to plan and the paper work is done and processed, I'm going to be taking a leave of absence from work for about 8 weeks starting on 5/19. I journalled about my inital thoughts about what led me to this decision here: Since I will not be working 8+ hours a day, I have decided to give my days structure in other ways and come up with a list of things I want to do during my time off. 75 Hard The 75 Hard challenge is a social media challenge where you do the following for 75 consecutive days: 2 workouts everyday for 45 min, with at least 1 being outside (the workouts also need to be 2 sessions at least 3 hours apart) Drink 1 gallon of water Progress picture everyday Your desired diet plus no alcohol and cheat meals Read 10 pages of a non-fiction book a day If you are unable to do anyone of these, you have to start the 75 days again. My leave of absence is roughly 75 days long and I think I'm in a mindset where I can really benefit from this with a few tweaks. Since I'm not working, this challenge is something that will be more realistic for me because I have the time and energy to dedicate myself to it. I think this will also help me give my days structure while also promoting healthy habits like working out, eating healthy, getting enough water in, and reading more. I already have a habit of working out but I want to do that more. I'm pretty bad about drinking enough water (I'm not drinking sugary drinks everyday, I'm just a dehydrated bitch lol) so I think this will jumpstart that habit. I want to read more since I have been putting things off. As for my diet, I'm thinking of leaving my diet the way it is for the most part except I want to moderate my snacking (1 really good and nutritious snack a day as opposed to random nibbling) since I tend to snack more with free time, and I want to cut out sugar. I'm not thinking of cutting it out completely. Fruits are fine. Just no chocolate, desserts, or sugary drinks. I'm not adjusting this diet due to weightloss or aesthetic goals. I'm mainly trying to do something that feels good for my body and that can challenge me a little. The tweaks I'm going to make to this challenge are the following: No progress pictures: I have a history of body dysmorphia and disordered eating and taking pictures everyday can cause me to spiral. Plus, I want to do this in a more intrinsically motivated way rather than focussing on how I look. Instead of reading 10 pages of non-fiction, I want to read 1 hour each day of any book of my choosing: I think both fiction and non-fiction can both be beneficial in their own way in the way they work different intellectual muscles. Instead of having to start the 75 days again, I'm going to add any make up days if I screw up: So if at the end of the 75 days I screw up 10 times, that means I have 10 extra days that I will have to follow the rules above. The program has been criticized for being very all or nothing as opposed to promoting healthy habits and I think this all or nothing mindset can result/ fuel disordered eating, especially for someone who has a history of that. Depending on how I handle the gallon a day, I might take a page off of the 75 Soft challenge and do .75 gallons of water a day: I'm only 5'2" so my water needs do vary compared to the average sized person who needs more water than I do. Like, I want to be hydrated but I don't want to pee every half hour. I also want to add another thing to this challenge, and that is no social media / short form content / or random mobile games: I can watch longer youtube videos and listen to music but no Youtube shorts. I also think I will need to wean off the random games and reduce it ideally but I think my priority is not taking in short form content and social media. I deleted my social media apps for the last 3 weeks and I think that has done a lot of good for me mentally. The list of things I want to do while on break: Physical Activity Related: I have been drawn to being more physically active over the last month and a half. There is no set fitness or aesthetic goal for me. I have been going to the gym for straight vibes because my body has been wanting to move more. Maybe it's a reaction against having to work a desk job. But over all, when I am physically challenging myself, I do feel more alive. It's like whenever I'm pushing myself, whenever I'm out of breath, whenever my muscles are sore and I tell myself I have 4 more reps to go, I'm forced to be present. Working out lately has felt like a moving meditation of sorts and it has been essential in maintaining my mental health. Here are somethings I have found enjoyable and that I want to do more: Work out more: Lift weights + Continue doing cardio Yoga classes: I haven't done a yoga class in a while because life got busy. Maybe some pilates classes: Again, having done this in a while because life got busy Swimming: I have been enjoying this and I think this can serve some of my cardio goals Ice Skating: I have been falling in love with doing this all over again and I want to be able to do this mid-day on a week day when the rink at the mall isn't crowded. I can do a whole post on this tbh. Enjoy the outside: I live in a semi walkable area and multiple parks near by. I go to these parks often but I want to do that more. Plus, I like feeling the sun on my skin and seeing random people take their dogs on walks. Intellectual / Spiritual Pursuits: One of the weirdest things about working in corporate is how I feel like I am learning a lot but not feeling educated. I attribute this to how learning is filtered through increasing profits instead of developing an understanding of yourself and the world around you like it was in school. I miss how much I would learn in the classroom and in my day to day life back when I was a student and I was exposing myself to new experiences. This is how I'm planning on replicating that: Read the books from my undergraduate degree: I have been putting this off for a while as a goal and I think this will be the perfect thing to do at this time when I'm not utilizing my mental energy towards my job. Read the fiction books I have been putting off: I'm going to be honest, my ipad baby tendencies have done a number on my attention span and I think reading fiction is the perfect way to recuperate that because you have to infer and interpret the themes on your own instead of the intellectual spoon feeding that can happen when you're reading non-fiction. I think this can also help hone in media literacy skills. Keep up to date with my favorite Youtubers: This means watching things on my Watch Later list, especially when it comes to the longer form, documentary style content that is about 1 hour 30 minutes or longer (yes, that includes revisiting videos from Actualized.org) Journal + Reflect: I can do this at home, on a walk, or go to a coffee shop Meditate: Just allowing myself to be and enjoy the present moment Continue going to therapy Random Things I Want to Do with More Free Time: Go to the grocery store midday on a weekday: I used to do this in college and I miss doing this. Maybe go to the mall and buy some new clothes: I haven't done this in years and my clothes are looking rough Try 2 new recipies weekly: I have been eating the same 3 meals in different fonts for a while due to the depression so I think some variety would be good for my soul and my cooking skills. Sleep in guilt free: I have no problem still being productive even when I wake up late. I think my reasoning for this is not to sleep until 1pm every day rather it's to listen to my body instead of expecting myself to be energetic and alert at 6:30 every day on a week day. Deep clean the apartment once a week: Mopping, scrubbing the shower, vaccuming, laundry Have a guilt free bed rot day and not worry about wasting time. Have more sex: My sex life has been suffering / nonexistant due to the increase in stress and I want to connect with my partner more. Get back into art: This can be drawing, painting, or simply coloring. Hang out with my friends more: I have a friend who is going to be in town who I'm looking forward to hanging out with. I also have a couple of friends who are unemployed and I think it would be nice to hang out with them more outside of the weekend/ evening hours. Go Furniture Hunting: My apartments needs side tables, a bed frame, and a dining set and I have just been putting it off. Travel: Go to Washington D.C.: I have been thinking of going to D.C. for the 4th of July as it is the 250th Independence day I need to plan out my trip to Africa: I haven't been really doing that since I have been overwhelmed by work and other things in my life. Maybe go to Australia for a week or two: I'm seeing a lot of naturey things to do there and I always wanted to experience Christmas in July. Those two things coincide with my leave times and things I'm gravitating towards so I might seize the moment. Going to Australia this year specifically wasn't part of my original plan when it came to going to all 7 continents by 30 but I'm open to the idea. Broader things I want to Accomplish with the Time Off Work: I don't think I'm going to accomplish all of these but this is what I'm orienting myself around / working towards when it comes to working through my high functioning depression. Reconnect with myself and my sense of joy by engaging in hobbies and moving my body Work out issues in my social life regarding navigating adult friendships Figure out if I want to have a child Feel less stagnant in my life and personal development by focusing more on my life and less on increasing shareholder value Allow myself time to work through my issues and actually reflect on what I'm experiencing instead of just trying to regulate and keep things moving without deconstructing why I do what I do. I know I have listed out a long laundry list of things to do but I do not feel intimidated by this. Instead, I find it to be quite exciting because it's all things I want to do but don't always have the time and energy to do such things. It feels less like someone piling on papers and assignments to work through and more like a menu to your new favorite restaurant that has all your favorite foods that you get to try one by one without worrying about the cost because it is free.

One of the only ways I can think of journalling being unhealthy is if you're using journalling as a way to hyperfixate on a negative emotion with no resolution whatsoever and it's like an obsessive thing (think something along the lines of the journalling equivalent of the self-harm tumblr blogs people made in the 2010s that glamorized things like eating disorders and cutting). And I think someone saying that therapy should be done exclusively by AI..... welll..... I think that says something about the credibility of their opinions and it's not looking good on them lol. As for your character, sure your writing can say something about you, especially if it's long and detailed. I think my journals are an accurate reflection of my thoughts and feelings but I think it being an accurate reflection of my character is a stretch. Not because my journals are inaccurate or I'm misrepressenting myself, but because my journals are just incomplete and can only convey so much about my character through text. I think I remember years ago someone saying that I sounded like a raging bitch in my journal and well.... they also had questionable world views and on top of that, they have no clue what I'm like in person lol.

I think this is worth unpacking to figure out why this is weird for you. Why do women have to be considered classy, feminine, and elegant to be a proper woman? What counts as being classy and elegant and why?

I don't think that a man's role is inherently to die in wars, protect, or provide. That's a pretty narrow view of manhood and masculinity imo and it strips the humanity of most men to box them in that way. I don't think being sexually submissive is any less manly. And I think it's natural to face dysfunction if you find yourself performing inauthentically for long stretches of time. I think the way you said your role specifically is interesting. It makes me inclined to think that you may still identify as a man but not resonate with the cultural and sociatal associations with manhood as opposed to being trans. I know I'm not a man but I've had many moments throughout my mid 20s especially where I don't particularly feel like a woman but not really in a gender noncomforming/ gender fluid way but in a "there is a sociatal script that feels inauthentic to me." I mean, bottom and top surgery along with hormonal therapy are pretty effective of getting you like 90% there imo. Sure, you cannot change yourself on a chromosomal level but I think a lot of transpeople I have met (and I don't think they are the exception) do see such medical interventions as a huge step forward to helping them feel more authentic in the way they show up in the world. You can still be trans and have yet to undergo such interventions.

I don't think there is anything inherently unhealthy about journalling about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. In most cases, it's a pretty good. outlet. I'm curious but what kind of critique have you encountered?

Navigating Adult Friendships Part 2 I have really been grappling with this in an unhealthy way as of recently. Because I have been stressed at work, I have been turning to social media to disassociate. And then, I see things on social media that causes me to overthink and question myself and my friendships to the point where I have cried myself to sleep. It's been a horrible cycle and I have just gone ahead and deleted Tiktok and Instagram as a result. That was about 2 weeks ago and I think I have been doing better. I also talked to a friend regarding this matter. This friend is someone a bit older than me (I think like 5-6 years older) and I basically went to her because I felt really confused with my life to where I felt like I needed guidance from someone with more life experience than me. I sent her what I wrote about in Part 1 along with some additional notes. We ended up talking for 2 hours on Sunday and I think that has helped me considerably so I want to write about it. I'm going to be referencing Part 1 and I'm going to dissect it portion by portion: 1. The Changing Landscape of Maintaining Adult Friendships + 5. Life Issues + 6. Dealing with the Chaos of the 2020s. I didn't write about part 6 in the post above but it is something that I came up with and wrote about to my friend. Here is #6: Relating back to the list above, overall, in a lot of cases, the girlies aren’t alright and it feels like everyone is struggling right now. It feels unreasonable to expect people to show up when they’re holding on to dear life. And yes, I feel like I’m struggling too. But I feel like I tend to be more high-functioning and in a lot of ways, my problems aren’t as bad as other people’s problems. I’m not trying to downplay it but the best way I can describe it is that imagine throwing up for 3 days straight. You go to the doctor, and nothing is helping. So, then you go to the ER. and you’re stuck in the waiting room because 2 people got shot, one person is in labor, and another person got into a car crash to where they need to get an amputation. You throwing up for 3 days straight can range from bad food poisoning to a ruptured appendix that could kill you even though it doesn’t look as bad as what other people are going through. Yet, you’re stuck in the waiting room. And the reason why a lot of shit sucks is because of systemic factors. I feel like I have been watching everyone in my life being personally affected by the tom foolery that is late-stage capitalism, Trump, and other current events. The world feels colder because of the declining quality of life causing everyone to be more on edge, which leads to people being a lot less forgiving, kind, and understanding. I remember when body positivity was mainstream. Now we have the Ozempic era. I remember when people were trying to de-stigmatize mental health. Now we have come full circle, and people are using weaponized therapy-speak to reinforce more mental health stigma. I know the pendulum swings, but it’s been difficult. I’ve also talked about this with some people who are slightly older than me who knew life after graduation pre-COVID. And I think COVID fucked up a lot of people’s social development (myself included) and it has changed the way people interact with the world around them. People have been socialized weird. Like I have heard / encountered the Gen Z stare and I had the displeasure of finding out what looksmaxxing and Clavicular are as incel terminology has made it more to the mainstream. I had to have a conversation about the state of dating these days and what a podcast bro is to my poor boomer dad who cannot wrap his head around how a lot of young boys these days are more misogynistic than he is despite him growing up in the 50s in a developing country. I know it’s been like 6 years since the pandemic and I shouldn’t blame my problems on it. But on top of the changing landscape of friendships, grief, the weird break up, and various life issues, I’m struggling to navigate this and make sense of what I lost in my adulthood in terms of community and socialization from the pre-COVID era. My friend is a therapist who works with children from age 5 to 17. She explained that COVID affected the socialization of the kids she is dealing with both when it comes to the ones who are in her office as well as the environment they are navigating. She mentioned that the kids aren't doing alright either because they are also picking up on the chaos that's going on but instead of understanding what's happening, it's manifesting as a myraid of mental health issues. It was nice learning that I'm not blaming the problems on the pandemic rather it just takes time before we realize how large events actually impacts us and society. She also let me know that I'm doing my best to navigate these factors and that I'm not surrounded by weirdos and just being aware of it is indicative of me putting in the work to introspect/ figure this out. 2. Grief Around Relationships + 4. That one specific friendship break up: I think this is the area that I've had the most improvement in. I wrote in Part 1 about how I feel like I'm mostly in the Bargaining and Depression stages. I feel like after this conversation and after talking about the one friend break up I had, I had a better understanding that nothing is wrong with me personally and that people do care about me. We also talked about other life experiences she had with friends acting weird, what it's been like to maintain relationships as they move through different life transitions, and specific friend break ups. I found that after this conversation combined with my deletion of social media apps, I'm not self deprecating in the way that I was. Since I'm not self deprecating in the same way, I found myself going back into the anger/ resentment phase. I think I have healthy relationships for the most part and the only issue really is that I find myself being the main person reaching out which has caused some resentment. It's causing resentment because friendship is an area of life that I put a lot of importance to and associate with a sense of duty and responsibility. I check in. I follow up. I make plans. I am proactive if something has come up and I can't make it. I'm good about comunicating my needs etc. So when the other person falls short of initiating, it feels unfair and unbalanced. It leaves me feeling like the other person doesn't value me or the relationship. And now that we have taken the self blame / deprecation out of the equation, I found myself swinging the blame of feeling unvalued back at others. I have been giving myself the room to feel this way instead of using my understanding and empathy I have explained in #1,5,6 to brush off my feelings of resentment. I think I'm still going to continue to not reach out in order to give people in my life the space to figure their lives out, honor the season that this relationship is in, and prevent my resentment from building up so that I can continue to maintain these relationships as opposed to lash out at people. I also found a video from Dr. K that helped me as well when it comes to a number of the factors that I'm dealing with In the beginning of this video, Dr. K talks about how learning from failure isn't always a good thing and that therapy is often there helping us unlearn bad lessons that we learned from bad situations. Just because you failed, doesn't mean you made a mistake. Sometimes, what we learn from bad situations causes us to be on edge and mess up any other good situations in the fear of repeating the horrible thing that happened. Which is why it's important to process your emotions, calm down, and then see what you learn from the calmer mindset as opposed to the chaotic state of mind you're in after you fail at something. I thought this section was applicable to what I was dealing with in that one friend breakup because just because that relationship failed, it doesn't mean that I did anything wrong per se and that it doesn't mean that I should use the lessons I learned from that situation to sabatoge my other relationships. 42:39 Mentalization is understanding that actions and behaviors in the outside world are connected and driven by things in the inside world. This seems like a fairly straight-forward concept but people who fail to properly mentalize tend to not look at all the factors influencing a situation. Say a person thinks they are ugly and they think that this is why people don't approach them and flirt with them. This negates all the other factors that might influence people not flirting with them because it's not taking the internal states of the other people into account. Maybe the person is a coworker who doesn't feel comfortable flirting in a corporate setting. Maybe the other person is going through a break up. Maybe the person who thinks they're ugly is really bad at identifying flirting. I think my process of identifying the changing landscape of socialization after school, recognizing how COVID has impacted us socially, and thinking of the whole list of things affecting how someone shows up in a relationship are all me mentalizing in order to make sense of why it's harder to maintain relationships as opposed to using this narrow sense of self-deprecation as the only explanation as to why I'm struggling in this area of my life. I also think the following posts are also indicative of me mentalizing: To tie the concept ot mentalization and the notion that learning from failure isn't always a good thing, I think if I look at these posts, along with the factors I'm taking into consideration for maintaining friendships, these are things I'm coming up with in a more sound mind frame as opposed to the self -deprecation and post break up thoughts. And as a result, I should take these things into consideration much more as opposed to my insecurities and random pieces of advice I'm seeing in the internet. Dr. K. also talks about how advice on the internet can also come at odds with the process of mentalization because internet advice has to take certain factors as assumptions that may or may not apply to the person viewing the advice. I have thought of this in the past where it's not that all the advice is bad but that it's more likely to be misapplied and sometimes be harmful if you aren't the target audience. For example, I saw a video on how if you're the main person reaching out that it's because the other person doesn't respect you but sees you as easy to keep around. That can be applicable to some people who are engaging with shitty people but given that I know who I'm dealing with, it's not the case for me. Therefore, me internalizing something like this does more harm than good which is why I decided to hop off the internet as I'm learning to navigate this area of my life.

Some videos I liked:

"I have no time for my actual life because I'm consumed by the negative space of survival" is not a flex lol. This video mainly talks about how the Romans viewed leisure activities, like engaging with hobbies, socializing with friends, relaxing, being mindful, contemplating are the main quests and that jobs should just be the side quest. This video talks about how saddness was viewed throughout history and how it can be seen as a source of genius, a by product of contemplation and depth, as well as a way to enhance the human experience. But then, after industrialization, people started demonizing saddness more because it can come at the cost of productivity. Here are a quote I liked: "They believed that melancholy gave life texture. Happiness, the argued, is smooth. It's pleasant but it slides off you. You can't hold on to it. But melancholy sticks. It has weight. It makes you appreciate the contours of existance. It forces you to confront the fact that everything beautiful is also temporary. And that awareness, that bitter sweet ache, is what makes you feel the most alive." "Melancholy is the happiness of being sad" - Victor Hugo "By the early 20th century, something more sophisticated was happening. Industrial psychologists, newly credentialed experts in human efficiency were being hired by factory workers to find ways to make workers more productive. One of the most influencial was Mugo Munsterberg, a German psychologist who worked with Henry Ford. Munsterberg's job was to figure out how to optimize not only the assembly line but the workers on it. He developed tests to screen out people who were temporarily unsuited for factory work. He studied fatigue, attention, motivation. He wrote books titled "Psychology and Industrial Efficiency." The same methods used to optimize work flows were now being turned inwards to the workers themselves. Your mind wasn't your own anymore, it was part of the machine. And if your mind wandered into melancholy, you weren't just wasting your time, you were sabotaguing the entire operation. " "We have lost the social script for sitting with bad news, for allowing someone to be sad without immediately trying to fix them. Every emotion has to be justified, explained, and ideally resolved in a single conversation. The Internet has excellerated all of this. You can't just be sad online, you have to contexualize it, perform it correctly, make it relatable, funny, or inspirational. Raw melancholy, the kind that has no clear cause, no narrative arc, no resolution, doesn't fit anywhere. It just people makes people uncomfortable."

Rage Quitting I feel like I'm depressed with work but in a high functioning way. I'm still able to keep up my responsibilities and seem like a normal person socially but I feel this persistent heaviness. I think it's a combination of the state of the world, my current work environment, and my social life (or lack there of). I feel like I'm harboring more animosity towards my job than usual. I remember when the snowstorm came in through Texas, part of me wished that we were snowed in with no electricity so that I won't have to work for a few days. And I remember clocking myself and mentally thinking *it's kind of fucked up that you hate your job / want a break so bad that you would want to deal with a natural disaster.* Around the same time, I remember also REALLY beating myself up for being exhausted with work and life in general. And while I was in a bad place mentally and I felt consumed in that, I also had a voice in the back of my mind saying *Hey, this isn't how you normally react and it isn't a reflection of your actual values. This is a conditioned response you have been getting from your job in an environment that keeps demanding more and more in terms of productivity.* The other day, I was in the dentist office and it was taking longer than expected. I took time off from my regular work day for this. And lowkey, while I was in that dentist chair, I was kind of hoping that there was something fucked up that happened to my teeth to justify taking the whole day off. I also have been having recurring fantasies to rage quit with no back up plan because the thought of hopping to another job also feels enraging. The fantasy involves me being unemployed for 3-4 months, travelling, prioritizing other areas of my life, reconnecting back to myself, and then coming back to the work force. Or better yet, start grad school and stay in school for a couple of years (debt free of course), then go back to work. Basically, I want a summer vacation lol. I want a few months where my daily schedule doesn't revolve around increasing shareholder value and then time to decompress from increasing shareholder value. I want to use these few months travelling, educating myself, working on personal habits, bed rotting a couple days without feeling a scarcity around my free time, introspecting, enjoying my hobbies, spending time with loved ones, and just in general slowing tf down. But here are my problems: I don't want to quit my job because I don't want to lose out on the tenure I do have in this economy (which can protect me financially) or my opportunities for relocation. I have a stable job that I'm performing well at in a stable company which if shit hits the fan in this country, I can easily jump ship. That's not to be treated flippantly in today's world especially considering that my job is mostly just mildly toxic and kinda annoying as opposed to straight up abusive. I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to take leave. I know a lot of people take leave because of physical health issues, to take care of loved ones, maternity reasons, dire mental health situations etc. And I'm just here with high functioning depression and an existential crisis. I also don't want a permanent exit. Like I don't fantasize about being a stay at home wife nor do I want a life where I don't have a job at all. Then I came across this video and I thought I'd go through each section here: "Suddenly, the corner office looks less like an achievement and more like a slow motion suicide." The video above talks about it in the context of a health scare or a parent dying. But for me, I'm seeing in the way that my thoughts have been slowly rewired over the last couple of years and how I feel a sense of dread at the thought of a promotion or doing better work. "According to research from the Journal of Positive Psychology published in 2020, the people who successfully exit the race often share a specific cognitive trait. They score higher on what psychologists call 'temporal discounting flexibility.' Basically, their brains are better at valuing future well being over immediate status gains. Most human brains heavily discount the future. A reward today is worth way more than the same reward tomorrow. It's why we eat the cookie, skip the gym, take the promotion that'll wreck our health in five years. But some brains, either through genetics, experience, or conscious rewiring, can actually feel future you as vividly as present you. When they imagine themselves at 65, exhausted and wealthy, it feels real enough to compete with the dopamine hit of today's achievement. That's not weakness, that's a different kind of intelligence. Let's talk about what goes into the decision to exit. Becuase it's not simple. It's not just work less, stress less. There is a complex psychological equation happening." Like, I feel my brain constantly scream at me to take a break even though I'm functioning okay on a day to day basis. I think this is why. Then the video goes into the following concepts: Identity Dissolution: You stop defining yourself according to your job. I never defined myself according to my job. Social Pressure of what the tribe thinks: People will ask if you're okay, having a crisis, got fired etc. You're making an unconventional life choice. I think what I said about feeling like I don't have a good enough reason to take a break is a symptom of the social pressure of what situations are acceptable to take a break from and what you're expected to power through. Financial Fear: earning / saving less / retirement issues. You can have higher anxiety around money even if you do this responsibly and you are financially secure when you remove the upward trajectory. I relate to this. I feel like I have a good amount of money saved up to where if end up unemployed, I'm not going to be freaking out about bills rather I'm going to be freaking out about a gap in my resume. I also feel like this fear comes up when I think about changing careers or moving to a place that has a higher cost of living. Loss of the game itself: Some people miss stress, the clear metrics, the competition, the adrenaline of high stakes performance. They get addicted to the rewards and the challenge itself. Yup... I cannot relate to this. Then the video goes to explain that the "quiet exiters aren't escaping to a blissful, stress free paradise. They are trading one set of problems for a completely different set." Yes, studies show that people are happier because of less stress, more time, more autonomy because people who prioritize time over money report higher satisfaction. At the same time, other studes show that people have more existential anxiety reagarding how they had to figure out what actually mattered to them outside of external structure of achievement. Many people don't ask these questions because they use career achievement to distract themselves from deeper questions about meaning and purpose. They don't know what they want from life so as a result, when they exit, they don't find peace, they find themselves face to face from questions they've been running from. Other people notice that once they aren't chasing the dopamine hits of achievement, they have to learn to be okay with less. This is difficult because it's hedonic adaptation in reverse. I think for me, prior to my corporate job, I already went through the phase of figuring out what matters to me in life and my own personal definition of success. So I don't feel like I have been using my job to distract myself from deeper questions. As a result, I don't think I have an issue with the highs of dopamine hits of achievements or other life style factors since I generally have a pretty modest life. I think what this job has done is that it has caused me to "lose the plot" on some level due to the day ins and day outs. On a mental and emotional level, I do care about travel, self development, my relationships, and my well being waaay more than my job. But in action, I dedicate a very large portion of my day to my job. And I don't think it's a bad thing, my job can be a source of self development and structure that also helps fund the other important things I have listed above. However, I think the way that my life has been structured has been feeling like it's causing me to stray from what's important rather than to fuel it. And I have been observing this attitude shift in the way that I feel like my free time is scarce, how I beat myself up for needing rest even though I didn't do that before, and how I have been putting more and more pressure on myself to be functioning on an individual level better than the system I'm functioning in. Basically, I expect myself to have my shit together on an individual level despite the world crumbling around me on a collective level. And I don't think that's a very realistic set of standards to hold myself to. I think in addition to wanting to pour my energy into different areas of life, more than anything, I crave slowing down and being present. "But here's what people who successfully exit the race often discover, a completely different kind of freedom. They're no longer making decisions based on what looks impressive to other people. They're making decisions based on what actually feels good to them. And that shift, according to research on self determination theory from the University of Rochester, is associated with higher intrinsic motivation and sustained well being." I think in general I have a pretty high degree of instrinsic motivation but I still do care about what other people think in order to maintain my employment and basic sense of security. I think I can improve upon the sustained well being bit. "Research from the Journal of Happiness Studies shows that people who work fewer hours report experiencing time as moving more slowly. Not in a boring way, in a present way. They notice seasons changing. They remember their weeks. They feel less like they're skimming across the surface of their own lives." I think this pretty much summarizes how I want to feel after my break and further emphasized the bolded part above. Finally, the last five minutes of the video was talking about how people can train themselves to think this way by deliberate practice, exposure to different values, through enough pain so that the old equations stopped making sense. With sustained effort, people can reshape their reward pathways, and as a result, change what they are motivated, what they are inspired by, as well as what they crave/ find pleasure in. "You can literally rewire what feels rewarding. But it's not easy. It's not a decision you make once. It's a decision you make everyday, every time you chose time over money, every time you disappoint someone's expectations, every time you resist the urge to compare yourself to the people still racing. You're fighting against 300,000 years of evolution that says 'climb higher' and that takes a very specific kind of courage." Basically, my takeaway is that you can rewire your brain for more fulfillment. And I'm pretty sure that can be the same for less fulfillment as well. I think my job has been rewiring my brain apart from how it was when I first started this job and I want to get back to my own sense of authenticity. I think if I were to take a break, it's not going to be as existential crisis inducing as this video suggests since I have already ldone like 80% of the work prior to being in my corporate job. Wiring your brain for fulfillment is like working a muscle. For me. it's more like getting back into the gym after not going for a while, having to struggle for 2 weeks, and then your muscle memory kicks in and you're back to your previous performance levels. That is waaay different than someone who never worked out who is trying to establish the habit of working out for the first time.

How Badly Do I Want To Be A Parent I want to have a pet raccoon. But if I think about it just a little bit, I know it's not the best decision for me. For example, I might like raccoons and think they are adorable but having one would mean that I will have to be a homeowner because no apartment complex or rental house will accept a raccoon. I have a lot of thoughts on homeownership and how it isn't for me. I will have to get extra vaccines and liscences that I won't have to with other pets. And it will probably rearrange how I can spend my days because I cannot leave it alone for too long. And honestly, I don't want to go through all that for the sake of having a raccoon. So yes, I want a raccoon, but I don't want it badly enough to justify getting a pet raccoon. I'm using a similar thought experiment when it comes to me having a child. Here are a few questions I'm asking myself: Do I want to go through the body horror that is preganancy, labor, and post partum? Do I want to go through my life being a living hell for 3-4 years with the baby and toddler phase with poor sleep, diaper changes, potty training etc.? Am I willing to deal with a screamer? What if the kid has special needs? Am I willing to rearrange my financial priorities and have a significant money saved up for birth, the baby years, college tuition etc ? Am I willing to be fully committed to this child's education and sit with them for homework every night, read to them every night, and push back against the craziness of the American education system? Do I want to raise a kid in an environment with AI dependence and feral kids who don't touch grass? Am I willing to have difficult conversations with them about drugs, sex, difficult family structures, things they see on the media, poverty, as well as other horrors of the world in an age appropriate way instead of just lying to them? What if your teenager has totally different values to you religiously, politically, etc. ? What if your child doesn't excel in school? What if your child grows into someone you didn't expect at all? What if you don't like your child and clash with them on a personality level? What if your child is a serial killer? What if your child sexually assaults someone? What if your child is sexually assaulted? Are you willing to deal with the manosphere and how that can influence your son? How are you planning on addressing the typical ways that boys are raised? What if your child gets into an abusive relationship? What if your child is gay or trans? How are you planning on dealing with gender roles in your household and relationship? How are you planning on disciplining them? What kind of environment would you like to raise your kid and are you willing to make the necessary lifestyle changes? How are you planning on handling extracurricular activities? How are you going to approach extended family? Am I willing to show up and be a parent when my world crashes down (death, divorce, mental health struggles, financial struggles, etc.)? Am I willing to be a parent even with climate change, political and economic instability, school shootings, the american health care system being a mess etc? Are you willing to sacrifice your current relationship? Are you willing to sacrifice travel for a few years? Are you willing to sacrifice your current standard of living financially speaking? Are you willing to sacrifice your free time? Are you willing to sacrifice sitting in silence?