soos_mite_ah

Yeah I see turning spirituality into a dogma as a problem as well. I guess for clarification, I'm using ego not so much of a transcendental enlightenment spiritual way but I guess more so in a practical self development way (I honestly don't know how else to phrase it). To me dissolving, or guess chipping way at the ego is a better way to put it, is like moving up the spiral or going up the cook greuter ego development stages because as you move up, you ego becomes less dense. I noticed that my ego would get really wrapped up around the notion of being smart and I was trying to unpack that. Funny thing is that I always saw myself as someone who is really open to change. I guess what this current state of backlash is showing me is that I'm only open to change as it still serves my survival agenda. I'm going to try to expand my openness to change going forward. I guess that's another good way to expand my sense of stability. The Maslow's hierarchy of needs I think is a good road map for people who are trying to create a solid foundation. Thank you for bringing that up

If you're open to ideas, you can also integrate a healthy form of skepticism. Healthy skepticism is being open to concepts and perspectives that expands upon or contradicts the idea that is being originally presented.

I did have a sense of stability because I felt that I had a network to fall back on so I didn't have to emotionally do everything on my own. This was about 4-5 years ago now. Back then, even though I had friends, I was still very depressed and suicidal even because of my circumstances at the time. I also recognize now that I was a little codependent on them at times but that's about it. I feel that comparing the possibility of me having friends now and me having friends then can muddy the waters considerably and misattribute factors because the number of things that are different now for me mentally. I thought I'd clarify that because or else it would be like comparing apples to oranges. But I will say that having supportive people did make me feel a little more secure because then at least when I would get emotionally overwhelmed, I could outsource some of the self soothing if that makes sense. I agree, there needs to be some type of foundation of a conventional life style to get your basic needs met so that you can build spirituality on top of it. I guess that is one of the reasons why I am hesitant to go ahead and transcend my need for stability. I feel like that would be me skipping 5 steps. Thought about it and planned it out. However, because I'm currently back home, my parents who are getting quite old are hesitant to let me get out there and start working for the fear that I might bring back something that might endanger them. So that fell through.

@Nivsch I'm currently at school I don't really have friends. I was meaning to put myself out there more after spring break at my college but then the pandemic happened and I never went back to campus. As far as family goes. I see and talk to them regularly since I currently moved back with them but I can't really talk to them about this type of stuff without getting yelled at or lectured. So no, I don't feel connected to my family and/or friends atm.

I have come across this concept numerous times. To me intellectually it makes sense but I have yet to emotionally integrate it. I'm not sure how to go about embodying it.

@Preety_India Yeah it did give me some insight. It is resonating with my current situation. Thank you so much

No, to me stability is being able to grow in my own terms instead of being pushed into a situation. Think about choosing to go on a meditation retreat to grow vs. being isolated for 10 days for some reason outside of your control. I noticed that I need to integrate more orange into my life and because I don't have a sense of structure internally. I used to rely on my environment to give me a structure (such as my school telling me what classes I have and when I need to be somewhere etc) but now that I'm in the house all the time because of the pandemic, it's like I lost that sense of structure. I mean growing up that's how I interpreted my "smart" label. It was a way for me to hold on to hope and predictability of the future. I agree, while it was useful for me growing up, it isn't something that is being super useful now. It has led me to procrastinate a ton. In regards to dissolving the ego, I have been doing shadow work for the last few months. One of the labels I'm trying to unpack is this label of being smart. Here is something I wrote about that recently in my journal for more context as to what I mean by unpacking this label: I guess I feel spiritually unstable because I'm not making as much progress towards expansion as I normally do. I feel like I'm regressing because of my current ego backlash. Definitely agree. That's why I posed this question to see if anyone can call me out on my bs. If anyone can I would greatly appreciate it.

@Preety_India Not as of right now. I'm going through an ego backlash state. School has been a dumpster fire lately and that is messing up my ability to be confident about my future and ability to thrive. It's a whole thing tbh. There is a lot that I'm unpacking.

Downward Spiral TW: Suicide Lately I have been struggling with suicidal ideation. I am constantly in a state where I don't feel stable or safe and sometimes I wonder if life is still worth living if this is my default. I don't have anyone to talk to which is why my entries are always as long as they are. I don't have anyone to share what I'm going through. It's always been one thing after another. Every time I get to a point where I can live my best life, something else hits me and completely blind sides me. Maybe this is the myopia of negativity. It's like that one Uncle Iroh quote that goes along the lines of "If you look for the light you will eventually find it but if you look for the dark, that's all you'll ever see." Academically, I understand everything that is going on in my classes. But when I sit down to actually do my work, I am completely lost. Idk what's happening to me. I can't help but feel that there is something wrong with my brain. After analyzing this, I think this is a case where the map is not the territory. I understand the theory and how it's supposed to play out but I fail at the implementation. You can't learn math by watching people doing math I guess. Another thing that is important to take into consideration is that it's October. 5 years ago I had a suicide attempt very close to my birthday and ever since then I get into this somewhat depressed mood. I'm already not in the most stable circumstance because it is 2020, the world and everything around me is in a very volatile place, so adding depression and academic issues to the mix makes things 100x worse. On top of that I'm pretty sure that there are some hormonal things going on. I haven't had my period in 3 months. I don't know what that's about but I wouldn't be surprised if it had a great impact on my mood inclinations. All of this is basically adding up to me wanting actually jump off a bridge because I feel super hopeless about life. I just want to return to the state of joy that I was in when I first started this journal.

More Things I Need to Integrate I realized that I am having issues regarding accepting my shortcomings and struggles. As a result I beat myself up for them and thus making the problem snowball to be bigger I often think that I'm in no point to be struggling academically. I'm not a STEM major. I'm not going to a prestigious university. There is someone who came to the same university as me from the safe high school and she is doing just fine. But I am struggling. And because I have been struggling for the last couple years, it's becoming harder and harder to not internalize this. Often times, it feels like no matter what I do, it's never enough. As a result, sometimes I feel like I'm not enough. I need to understand that regardless of what I'm majoring in and where I'm going, college is going to be hard. And that is ok. We are all getting exposed to new ideas and ways of doing things at a large amount and it takes time to integrate all of it. The reason why I feel so emotionally unsafe is because the notion of being "smart" isn't protecting me from failure. Smart makes me feel safe. It makes me feel as if I can find a solution and weasel myself out of any situation. I'm not any smarter or dumber based on where I am going to college or what I'm studying. Regardless of where I chose to go or what I chose to study I still will be challenged. And that isn't to say that all is hopeless and I'm bound to struggle. No. That is to say that being smart has nothing to do with this situation. You are smart, you are worthy, you are capable. There is no need to beat yourself up for assumption that you have no right to be upset. It's ok to not be doing well in college. This won't mean that you will be an absolute failure in life. Additionally, I can't compare myself to another person, no matter how similar they may seem. There are some type of differences that I may not be aware of. And it isn't inherent. We are all consciousness and that is the only thing that is constant. Our personalities, our fears, our egos, our way of doing things is a product of our experiences and what was and wasn't validated with survival. There has to be some type of difference in the factors this person and I have and it isn't some type of moral or absolute failing on my end. Everyone is different and everyone has different obstacles meaning if something works for one person, it doesn't mean it will work for another. Not getting the same results, the same success as another is not a failing. It means you just need to do something different. And that is ok. Another things I notice is how much judgements can backfire in the future. I remember that in high school I would judge people who couldn't academically get their shit together. They weren't blatant judgements on their worth. For example, it was more like "____ class is so easy, there is no reason as to why someone would have issues" or "you would have to be an idiot to make a mistake on ____." All of that is now being pointed towards me. It is true. What we judge about other is also what we judge in ourselves. This whole thing taught me to be humble because treating others well translates to treating yourself well and vice versa.

I did the same thing Yeah it really does depend on the person. Alcohol lower inhibitions meaning you're basically an unfiltered version of yourself. If you harbor any desire for violence, violating someone, or desire to show dominance among friends it will slip out. But if your unfiltered version of yourself harbors a desire to go around and tell people how much you love them and being overly happy, that will show too.

Tik Toks and Videos That Just Make Me Happy Sometimes you just need that extra dopamine hit I strive to be this chill and carefree about life. A whole vibe Avatar the Last Airbender just makes me so happy. I watched these two videos so many times and they never fail to put a smile on my face. I didn't grow up with pets so as an adult I naturally want all of them lmao. I really want a cat even though I'm allergic. I don't mind being on allergy meds for the rest of my life lol. Also the little *ploop* sound the guy makes when he gives the puppies a belly rub is so wholesome These two parodies are so satisfying to me for some reason. It just summarizes all the wild shit that has been going on and I'm here for it.

Conscious Unconsciousness I think to a certain extent, being unconscious is something that can help people get through the day in a healthy way. I feel that this might be a little controversial given that we're mainly here to raise our level of consciousness in order to develop, but I also think one can be unconscious in a conscious way. Here are some scenarios that I have come up with: 1. Building Habits: Doing things out of habit is largely unconscious. When we do things out of habit, we do things without thinking. It becomes automatic and we aren't fully in the moment in whatever we are doing. Essentially, we go into autopilot. However, we can consciously choose our habits and evaluate them accordingly. For instance, I can consciously choose the habit to wake up at the same time every day because I find that it will help me be more efficient. At first, it will be hard to implement this habit because I have to consciously choose to wake up at the same time everyday if that is something new that I am doing. Eventually, the conscious choice of this being a habit will turn into something that is automatic for me and therefore having an element of unconsciousness. In order to be consciously unconscious, we need to have an element of choice when it comes to what we are willing to go on auto piolet on. 2. Developing a sense of focus: If we are focusing on something very intently, odds are we are blocking out other things. For instance, as I am typing out this journal entry, I'm probably not thinking about how my chair feels (that is until I mentioned it this very moment). In that way, I am unconscious of how my chair feels underneath me because that isn't the place where I am putting my awareness towards. This sense of focus is a survival mechanism. In the wild for example, you don't want to be aware of the pretty clouds and the crisp air when you are being chased by a tiger. You want to block that out and choose to focus on getting away to keep yourself alive. The key work here is choose. Sometimes when it comes to focus, we can be unconsciously unconscious to where we become defensive without meaning to because the perspectives that are being presented to us goes against our agenda. That is an automatic response to keep us safe, however, in some instances such as trying to be openminded, focusing too much on your own perspective can be detrimental. It's important to choose what we do and don't give our focus and therefore our consciousness towards or else our ego will determine it for us. 3. Avoiding Hyper Analysis: This is something that I have been thinking of in my journey to integrate my basicness especially with clothes. I tend to be very minimalistic with my wardrobe. I have a color palette that I have selected out that matches each other and looks good on me. I have certain styles of clothing that I look out for because I know it will flatter me. I know how to choose clothes according to my life style. I also consider my values regarding fast fashion etc. I'm not the type of person that falls prey to a lot of unnecessary consumption because I am very intentional with my choices which in turn points me towards more consciousness in my decision making. But as I have tried to incorporate more of my basicness, I have tried to let go of some of this intentionality. I'm trying to be more in tuned with what is cute and fun rather than what is efficient for instance. For me that is bold patterns and colors. Granted that I have already integrated intentional spending previously, it's unlikely that I'm going to get sucked into stage orange toxic consumerism. I'm trying not to overthink it and just go with the flow, just let myself be. Not everything has to be super deep and filled with meaning, it can just be and it's ok to appreciate it for just that. Because when you put too much intent and try to be conscious, you're still in the state of doing rather than in the state of being. And sometimes just letting yourself be, whatever your level of consciousness/ unconsciousness is, is the a conscious way of being unconscious. Letting myself be "basic" has become a way to let myself be a little looser and simply enjoy myself with my journey towards greater awareness. Not everything has to revolve around consciousness work. 4. Accepting and Embracing Unconsciousness (Loving the Unconsciousness): This goes along with the previous point. There is nothing wrong with being unconscious. In fact just letting yourself be unconscious and accept that can be more beneficial than fighting that unconsciousness. Granted, accepting can have different meanings. Many people see accepting as approving. For example, accepting your gay child is approving their sexuality and saying it's ok. However, sometimes accepting means acknowledgement, and that acknowledgement can lead to healing. For example, accepting violent crime isn't the same thing as approving it. You can accept violent crime and show great love and compassion for it. That doesn't mean that you're going to be this blood thirsty psychopath. Instead showing love and compassion means that you're willing to take the care to analyze the reasons why violent crimes occur and work towards solutions that decrease the suffering that leads people to harm one another. In other words, you accept the unconscious behavior and you acknowledge the factors that contribute to it. Then, you can use that data to consciously come up with solutions to love the unconsciousness or "evil" to death. The opposite of accepting violent crime can yield to denial of the factors that contribute to crime. It could also lead to a "tough on crime" approach where instead of helping people break the cycle of violence, you insist on harsher punishments for perpetrators. You give out harsher punishments instead of analyzing the issues at hand in a loving and caring manner. This in turn makes things worse because you don't actually address or acknowledge the problem, Instead you partake in retributive justice. I'm not going to sit here and make the argument that "oh you need to be kind to the people who have wronged you because if you don't you're no better than them" or that "you forgive because it's the right thing to do" as if I'm some type of cartoon super hero. If you or a loved one is a victim of a violent crime, it is perfectly acceptable and understandable to be upset. But by punishing someone because you hate the violence isn't going to systemically future instances of violent crime. Sure you fight fire with fire, but you're still not addressing the systemic problems and in doing so you're not taking a preventative approach to violent crime, you are letting future instances to happen. Another really good example I can think of are the differences in acceptance of racism among liberals and conservatives. I would argue that liberals are more accepting of the U.S.'s racist past. That statement would sound absolutely false if you see accepting as approval. However, if we look at accepting as acknowledgement, then that's a different story. Liberal are willing to acknowledge the racism in the American system and point out how the greatly revered founding fathers were slaver owners who committed crimes against humanity. Conservatives on the other hand don't want to accept/ acknowledge America's racist past. It hurts their ego because it presents the notion that the U.S. isn't the greatest country in the world. Instead of accepting this, they want to deny it. They want to deny the existence of systemic racism. They want to deny the possibility that their perspective has a racist bias or blind spot. Some conservatives (Trump), want to go as far to say that we need "patriotic education" where history isn't riddled with how American heroes were racist. And in doing all of this denial, they are letting racism continue on a collective level. In fact, they are willing to let it be a shadow to where they don't want to acknowledge how they could be racist, thus causing them to be racist instead of seeking to educate themselves. In turn, they perpetuate the very thing that they are trying to repress. That's what happens when we are unconscious with our unconsciousness. Instead we want to be conscious of our unconsciousness so we can make moves to addressing it with love instead of projecting things out ward. Accepting that you have a problem without judgement is the first step towards solving it. It's ok to be unconscious. There is no need to demonize it. You don't have to be conscious all the time. Sometimes being unconscious inevitable such as in point #1. In fact in some instance being hyper aware/conscious can be detrimental such as in the case of point #2 and #3. In other cases, that unrealistic expectation of being conscious and perfect all the time can yield to more problems with unconsciousness such as in point #4. In other words, to deal with unconsciousness, you need to consciously love it to death. The act of loving the unconscious is acting with consciousness.

@Mu_ I forgot who said this but someone once said that "There is no such thing as what could have been." I suppose I need more balance in my life regarding internal and external forms of self help.

@kag101 I started getting into personal development for similar reasons as well. For me, I feel like my college experience was more of a "falling asleep" phase in my life where I focused my life inward instead of making a lot of moves in the external. I took college easier so that I can actually take care of myself and work on myself to set a good foundation for the rest of life going forward. That was my intent anyway. As for high school, I did work pretty hard but I still made sure that I had a good amount of time to just get to know myself. I didn't necessarily neglect material success but in my mind, sometimes I feel like I could have achieved externally more if I did more work and less actualizing. I know that I grew as a person internally immensely in the last few years, but sometimes I doubt the actual utility of this. Would I have been more efficient and successful if I did something else or is this setting a good foundation that will be helpful down the line even though I am not seeing the all of the value straight away. Therapy is going pretty well. Right now, therapy supplements and complements my meditation habits and whatever I'm working on with self-help. For me, I think it's a good idea to have a professional by my side to make sure I don't go off the deep end since sometimes I do deal with some heavy stuff and so that I have someone as a sounding board for my insights.

What's the difference between capitalist-socialist hybrid and social-democratic? I feel like I'm missing something because I always thought social-democratic was capitalism with socialist elements balancing it out.

I don't really believe in it. I got into it for the memes and the entertainment of it. But there is a use to astrology and like many perspectives, it is partially true. It can be pretty good in helping you identify different archetypes in your life in order to get to know the ego better before transcending it imo.

@Kalki Avatar Another source that comes to mind is astrokit's youtube channel. She does videos on particular placements. https://www.youtube.com/c/astrokit/videos

I mean, I have meddled around with online calculators like the one on cafe astrology https://astro.cafeastrology.com/natal.php There are quite a few sites like this. You just enter the date and time. Then they'll give you the positions of the planets at that specific time along with interpretations of how it relates to the personality of someone who was born in that moment.

"Maybe I'm closer to grasping the notion of knowing is imbued with uncertainty that it doesn't feel like knowing at all. Maybe I'm grasping the idea of knowing more facilitated by the knower's internal state than by our usual capacity to generate knowing on command." -Elizabeth Lloyd Mayer Extraordinary Knowing I've been contemplating the notion of knowing as a state of mind/feeling/ or being as opposed to knowing as a state of fact

Smart = Safety I have been trying to shed the label of being the smart kid for the last few months. I have made some progress in that I no longer base my self worth on being smart. However, I do notice that this label hasn't disappeared yet. One of the key reasons why that is so is that the smart label shields me from uncertainty. I was told that if I am smart and if I get good grades then I will be ok in life. That message was drilled into me in many ways and consequently I equated good grades to a stable and secure future. Here are some ways I associated good grades/ being smart with security and why they don't make sense. 1. I didn't get beat up as a kid by my mom if I brought home good grades That was horrible parenting on her part tbh. This type of conditioning is arbitrary not absolute. You aren't going to get beat up if you make a mistake in the real world. 2. The sentiment of if I get good grades, I will get a good job, then I'll find a good husband, and I'll settle down and have a family. All of that is dependent on my schooling because it is the foundation. Getting good grades doesn't guarantee anything. There are people who did good in school and who don't have a good job. There are people who did badly in school and turned out ok. It isn't about good grades, rather it is about work ethic. Sure good grades can make some aspects of life easier but it isn't everything. You need to be on the look out for your next step regardless of where you have been. If you made bad grades and its time for you to get a job, you can't dwell on those grades. You need to use/ cultivate that work ethic towards the next step. Grades can be exemplary of work ethic but it isn't the only place where it is present. 3. Being smart go rid of the uncertainty of the future. I'm smart therefore I will be ok. The pandemic has hit everyone regardless of how smart they were. Being smart won't get rid of uncertainty. Sure it can help you cope but you will always deal with some type of problem. That isn't to say that it's time to get hopeless about the future but when we accept pain, we transcend it. 4. Being smart helped me sort out my own mental issues by myself when I had no help It wasn't because you were smart. It was because you were motivated enough to search out sources that can help you. That information enabled you to make enough tools to deal with your current situation. It isn't that you were smart, it was a question of your determination and resourcefulness. 5. Smart helped me evade self deception by cultivating awareness Smart can make you even more self deceived because the self deception is even more sophisticated. 6. Smart means that I can solve my problems and get over it. The emotional piece of coping with problems were ignored in my childhood since my parents couldn't provide for me emotionally. Sometimes you can't outsmart your problems. Sometimes you need to be vulnerable and receptive to healing. Sometimes you need to accept that problems and insecurity are a part of life. Yes it will test you but that is ok because even in your most vulnerable, you're still strong enough to face them. If anything, you are stronger when you are vulnerable because you face the issue in question head on instead of trying to evade it with your smarts.

Is the liberal call to civility a higher consciousness move in the hopes of "if they go low, we go high" or is it an egoic desire to save face and maintain an image of moral superiority. I have been binging on Vaush lately and I believe that he has a point on how a principled failure isn't worth anything. In this video he talks about how some progressives don't want to vote for Biden because they believe that Biden is as bad as Trump and how this is a failure to play the political game (especially around the 14 minute mark) Also in other videos he talks about how democrats wanting to take the high ground and go according to democratic processes is a weakness that the conservatives take advantage of because conservatives don't care about hurting people's feelings or the democratic process as one can see with voter suppression, supporting Trump's fascist tendencies etc. Instead, they are out looking for power which is what the political game boils down to in the end. I do agree to this to some extent because if you are confronted with a bully who is trying to rip you to shreds, literally or figuratively, coming to them and being like "oh but we can work this out, lets see what kinds of solutions we can come up with" is going to look like weakness to someone who seeks domination rather than peace. Maybe calls to civility would have worked back when Romney or McCain were running but that goes out the window with Trump. I do believe that Biden should have gone harder on Trump though I empathize his reluctance to do so when you are faced face to face with someone like Trump. However, I also think his more civil way of doing things rather than going in and trying to dominate the debate makes him look more sane next to Trump and therefore more appealing to moderate viewers so I can see how that can also be a strategy. What do yall think?

I mean you can have an orange job and still have green values. I think another factor is dealing with constant discouragement and setbacks from society as a whole because they aren't ready for your ideas yet. So instead you end up trying to work within the system to generate potential change instead of attacking the system head on. I don't know about the specific example you're taking about with the activist who gets a job in marketing but I know that you can do marketing in a conscious way that take into consideration society, where it's going, and how to appeal to people accordingly. Even though marketing and business is typically orange you can use things like sociology and anthropology to do it more holistically. Typical orange marketing involves saturating the landscape with ads and appealing to peoples desires to trick them into buying your product. I'm also seeing half-orange, half-green marketing that also tries to tie in social issues and their commentary along with their products (such as Nike with BLM and Gillette with toxic masculinity). When marketing comes from a desire to connect and understand people instead of just making a profit, it can start to lean more green. I guess people find more traditional outlets such as corporate jobs to conduct their green ideals through instead of simply marching on the streets and demanding change. Being an activist is still important don't get me wrong, but that isn't the only way to in act change nor should it be if you want change to penetrate every area of society. I think with age, people realize that more and more and then consequently look as though they are falling in line. Also I'd think that with some people, they end up "regressing" back to earlier stages in a way to integrate healthier forms of those stages or to sort out any short comings they might have whether intentionally or unintentionally.

@Forestluv Ok that makes more sense. Thank you for clearing that up. I appreciate it

The Ways I've Grown at 20 Part 3 Part 1 and 2 were to summarize what actually went on. I had to clear my mind because there was so much that happened between October 2019 and October 2020. Now for Part 3 I will be just making a simple list to shorten part 1 and 2 for simplicity. Got over the blank slate feeling Created an identity outside of chaos Connected to a sense of joy that I haven't felt since childhood Stopped having trauma dominate my narrative Stopped procrastinating as much Started taking care of myself more both in terms of physically taking care of myself but also taking care of my environment Learned what its like to be with a guy who actually cares out you Learned how much power and privilege can blind a person from their own perspective (I didn't include this in my previous post but it is something I learned by dealing with people in my classes). Dealt with grief for a family friend and the fears I had with losing my own family Contemplated my own death and wtf I'm doing with my life along with issues regarding mortality Learned about generational trauma and how things work in human rights in south Asia, and how religious conflict works in that part of the world. I also learned about how colonized my perspective of my own background was. Realized how much I have grown since I can't resonate with my family anymore Came to terms how the trauma and growth probably mentally aged me. Stopped being the therapist friend Moved towards more positivity and surrounded myself with more people like that accordingly Dealt with the grief with rapidly changing times includes the shock, the anger, the depression, the meaning making, and the acceptance Started seriously meditating Got rid of my food cravings/ got my diet together Cultivated a healthier relationship with food Cultivated a healthier body image Unpacked my limiting beliefs regarding the school that I'm going to Did a lot of shadow work and unraveled labels from my childhood Dealt with the depression that came along with shadow work Moved into stage yellow in spiral dynamics more Mended my relationship with my parents more Integrated the notion that I don't have to be special to be loved and that this whole thing is the work of the ego Gained responsibility for my feelings by not resorting to blaming myself Tackled a lot of shame regarding taking up space Realized that I needed to change my major Found a better potential path for my future career Addressed some of the social anxiety that came up due to isolation Understood exactly how important discipline is Started addressing imposter syndrome Started addressing trauma relating to academic And finally.... 35. Realized how much I have grown this year by writing things out and how I haven't turned into my 14 year old self after moving back home Sometimes I see this whole situation as something that caused me to regress. I have had times in the past month or so where I felt as though I wasn't growing or that stability and happiness in the future are not things worth striving for since I haven't gotten anywhere. In reality, that is me being consumed in the myopia of my current negative mood which ultimately distracts from the bigger picture in the effort to survive in the present. Even writing things out in this post helped me regain this sense of perspective that I am in fact doing what I need to be doing and that I am still making progress. And I'm so proud of myself for that. I can't wait to see how I grow in the coming year. It also makes sense why I've been feeling this ego backlash. Lately I've been craving more stability and stagnation because I'm tired of everything changing all the time. Truth is, I've grown and I need time to slow down a little and have all of this fully sink in before adding new things to the list.