soos_mite_ah

I kind of agree with the whole nothing is "necessary" and the tweet in general. But I can see potential unhealthy and healthy manifestations of this attitude. This attitude can have a healthy manifestation in things like the explorer archetype but it can also manifest in an unhealthy way where you're constantly running around trying to find the next high. However, having a clearly defined life purpose can give you a stable and healthy place to derive that high from if that makes sense.

Increasing My Level of Well Being Here are somethings that I will be focusing on for the next few months. Every few months or so I check in with myself and re-calibrate my goals to fit what I need and to fit where I am based on how I handled the last few months. I like to do this type of reflection in the beginning of the new year (end of December-early January), beginning of summer (mid May), beginning of the new school year (late August), and around my birthday (end of October) to see how far I've come and how much further I need to go. By no means do I put the pressure to address everything but it's a good list to see where I'm headed and what obstacles are currently here that I'm dealing with. Things I need to work on/ am working (inner world) Shadow work (independently and in therapy): dismantle the limiting belief that you are unlovable and weird Feeling like the trauma aged me and working through/ processing that in therapy Deal with social anxiety: the problem is somewhat back since I have had to isolate myself due to COVID and I have very limited face to face interactions This issue is more minor. I feel like when I get out of quarantine I'm going to be fine but it doesn't hurt to check in and make sure everything is okay Imposter syndrome especially in school/ career Discuss this in therapy during end of this semester since your issues regarding imposter syndrome are usually the strongest/ most relevant during that time Issues with COVID Deal with my lack of independence: I had to move back home and now part of me feels like I’m 14 again also overlaps with the social anxiety piece School/ Learning Build my resume and start applying to jobs/ internships / gain work experience and credentials Getting straight A's in school with all 19 credit hours this semester Start taking notes on self-development content and revisit lessons to see what I see with my new level of awareness Desired end result: Get rid of manifestation blockages that have to do with building relationships (platonic and romantic) and my career Create more self-confidence so that I can go after what I want Work towards being a more independent adult financially/ logistically (moving, living on my own, supporting myself, cutting off family etc.) Have a more integrated orange since I have a few hang ups in that stage and tend to rely on green coping mechanisms too heavily Expand my understanding of the world and my sense of self Habits I need to build/ solidify (outer world) Defeating procrastination (being on top of school work, staying at least 2 weeks ahead of course schedule) Waking up at 5 am Working out regularly (at least 3x a week if not every day) Meditating seriously (2 hours daily) Desired end results Calmer mind due to increased efficiency (not freaking out about assignments last minute, working with a decent sleep schedule, quieting monkey mind) Healthier body, hopefully losing weight A sense of structure: moving back home and not leaving the house has disrupted this and I often feel as though I am living the same day since March oh. god. I have my work cut out for me don't I Hey, I dealt with harder things before, I can handle this

The notion that there is something beyond consciousness yields to the notion of duality.

Giving All the Fucks in All the Wrong Places... I began and finished listening The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck via audio book. I feel very personally attacked and mind fucked but I am living for it. I think I'm going to actually take notes and run through it a few times because it feels painful in a very good and cleansing way. I know normally my entries in this journal or hell my comments in other threads on this forum tend to be much more lengthy and comprehensive, but this is one of those things where I think I need to process and really take in before forming my actual thoughts and applications. I think this is the first time in a long time where I felt that a piece of advice resonated with me so much. All I can say is damn....... I'm being dragged through the dirt and rightfully so.

You're not hollow inside and you're most certainly not alone. Also there are PLENTY of women like that as well who do enjoy talking about more serious stuff and see that as fun. I have read a few other comments here and I think from what I understand, it has more to do with people not resonating with you because of a lack of shared interests. It's also hard to find people you really resonate with in a small town since you have less people to choose from. This can especially be a problem if you have more niche interests apart from mundane every day things like whats happening on TV and sports. I've been there. I'm currently there too lol. And I also hate small talk and much prefer something deeper, but the way I try to frame it is that small talk and more lighthearted "fun" conversations can be a gateway to more deeper topics once a person gets more comfortable around you. To have deeper conversations, there needs to be a sense of vulnerability which has to be established through trust and comfort level. Seeing small talk as more of a gateway rather than something that weighs me down helped me become more social to where I could have an increased number of quality conversations. I think it would be valuable to contemplate what triggered this sense of apathy and really examine what other feelings you have associated with it. That would give more direction on how to deal with it. Finally, you aren't selfish for not wanting to get married or have a family. I think it's actually more selfless to be honest with yourself on where you stand than force yourself into a situation you don't like just because you feel obligated and then hurt the other people involved because you don't want to be in the situation in the first place.

When it comes to the plateau, a lot of it has to do when you start settling down with your life more. So if you decide to settle down and never leave your home town at 18, you're more likely to plateau earlier than 25-30. In sociology, I was researching some stuff on generational differences. The ages roughly from 15-25 are known as your formative years. During those ages, you're old enough to critically think and take in the world but you're young enough to where you don't have so many experiences and because of that, historical events during one's formative years are seen as the most impactful. Baby boomers are more likely to cite the Vietnam war as the most impactful in modern american history while the generation before them cite World War 2 as the most impactful for example. Also in the ages of 15-25, people tend to rack up a lot of different life experiences and as a result they are more prone to change. These things can include but aren't limited to first romantic relationships, moving across the country, getting a career, going to college etc. Once people turn 25-30 ish, there aren't as many firsts or as many changes in people's life circumstances which means growth and personality tends to stagnate because of increase stability. Also, it's important to note that around 25-30 people start having kids and spouses meaning its harder to get up and leave for new experiences and turn their life all the way around since their decisions impact other people. As long as you find a way to take in new experiences and perspectives regularly, I don't think you should have a problem with stagnating. It's just that those new experiences and perspectives are more built in when you're younger and you're more of a blank slate to take in those experiences. Speaking of being a blank slate, I think that can be the reason why fluid intelligence and creativity can be seen more with young people since they have less limitations in their perspective because of limited experiences. Like wise things like wisdom, perspective and non reactivity increases with life experience.

Two Parts to Self-Esteem As I have been doing some shadow work, I have noticed that I am not as confident as I thought I was. Today I began thinking of what consists to self esteem as a whole and I came up with two parts. The first is self respect. Self respect is more inwardly driven. I would characterize this as more defense rather than offense. Self respect is more on establishing boundaries and sticking with them. Its about avoiding people and places that no longer serve you and could potentially harm you. Its about being strong enough to walk away or stand your ground when threatened because your sense of self does not come from the external rather it is something you decide for yourself. The second is self confidence. Self confidence is more externally driven. This is more like playing offense. It's about being able to advocate for yourself, go after what you do want, and feeling comfortable with taking up space. It's about being strong enough to make your presence known and being secure in who you are because you are comfortable with your strengths and limits meaning neither of them detract from your sense of worth. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I know some people who have a lot of self confidence but little self respect. I know a group of people who are amazing at advocating for themselves when it comes to their career and try get the highest positions possible because they know that they are up to the job. However, they won't establish boundaries or leave a job if their employer treats them horribly because of things such as status and money etc. Another example of people who have a lot of self confidence but little self respect are this group of girls I know. They are beautiful, smart, talented and they know that and they know that they can get any guy they want. But then they end up choosing a guy with too many red flags who treat them like trash and/or cheat on them but they still insist on staying. Personally, I have discovered that I'm the opposite. I have a lot of self respect but I don't always have confidence. I have been pretty shy with anxiety for a large portion of my life, but, I have never been a push over. I can stand up for myself when needed and I don't have a history of sticking around with people and situations that could potentially be toxic. I also had a lot of friends tell me I am a good judge of character and have a good taste in men since I tend to choose guys who have it together and will treat me right. Because of this, a lot of people, including myself, have characterized me as someone who has a quiet sense of confidence an a good sense of self worth with a large dose of humility. However, upon more inspection with shadow work, I realized that I don't have much confidence. I'm terrible at advocating for myself in opportunities. Job interviews, writing resumes, and sending in applications give me anxiety because of this notion that I have to "sell myself." This lack of confidence is often mislabeled as humility because people see my potential but don't see me gloating about them. But honestly, even with all of my qualifications and achievements, I still don't feel like I'm enough. I often feel like an impostor. A lot of this comes from my perfectionist tendencies that were drilled into my by my parents when it come to academics from preschool all the way to senior year of high school. Another area where my lack of confidence manifests is in social situations. I see myself as this weird, socially awkward person who is not worthy of connection. I'm also pretty judgmental towards socially awkward people but that's because I don't accept myself. Even though nobody nowadays thinks I'm weird and socially awkward, I carried this label from my childhood when I was bullied and ostracized pretty badly. I'm hyper vigilant on how I carry myself and because of that I carry myself pretty well but it is at the cost of seeming authentic to some people. I also tend to isolate myself and stay quiet until I feel that I can be accepted by people. It takes me a while to really warm up to people. This is because it's easier for me to take a default rejection from myself through isolation than to take a potential rejection from other people. That way, I have more control in the situation. In other words, even though I know I deserve the good things in life, sometimes I don't think I'm good enough.

Yeah the self bias thing that women have can absolutely be there. What people say isn't always how things turn out. It makes sense to know what it's like from a man's perspective when it comes to attracting women and most of us women don't have that perspective. However, something that I see with some guys is that they have a warped perception of what women want or what they are like usually based on a lack of experience and stereotypes. This can especially be seen on the notion of how some men think all women are sluts for instance. I have experienced the reverse when it comes to a woman's perspective when attracting men. I've heard women say don't listen to guys for dating advice and I can see on how that can be valid because, again, self biases. Some circles also carry around the notion that all men are emotionless fuck boys that want to have sex and never see you again. Some of those circles take it to an extreme and resort to manipulative tactics as well which can get pretty toxic. All of this comes from a warped perception of what men are like, usually due to again lack of experience. And by lack of experience, in both instances, I don't always mean dating experience. I think it's also beneficial to have friends of the opposite sex to understand their perspective and to avoid painting everyone with a broad stroke. I feel like getting both perspectives, both from the person who is trying to attract and the person attracting (gender varies according to orientation so if you're a straight guy its getting the perspective of women and what they like and the perspective of men who are dating around and vice versa) can help cancel out some of the self biases that can be present from either side

Why? I just want to know the logic behind this. I also heard people say the reverse on how you shouldnt ask men for dating advice if you're a woman. Idk it just made more sense. If you have questions and are wondering about the perspective of the opposite sex, why wouldnt you just ask them instead of jumping to your own conclusions?

Interrupting Cynicism My hope has been waning over the last few months since the pandemic hit. The U.S. hasn't been handling it well. There are rising cases, people dying, the worst recession since the Great Depression back in the 30s, and a president that is adding fuel to the fire as he opens up the economy and makes people go back to school, risking their lives all for the sake of corporate greed. I know intellectually deep down that disasters such as these do come to an end and that after the darkest of moments do we make the greatest programs. But my heart, well she is slow to get with the program. Until then I'm going to be hanging on. But today, I went to go get my college textbooks from the book store. Afterwards, I went to the ice cream shop right next to the bookstore. The man at the ice cream shop greeted me with an enthusiastic welcome. I knew he was smiling from ear to ear behind this mask and I couldn't help but do the same. He was super excited to have a customer, I'd assume since people refrain from doing anything in public unless it is a necessity due to the fear of the virus. I was thrilled to be interacting with another person and having a whole conversation after so long. I've essentially been cooped up in my house for the last few months with no one to talk to other than my parents and thoughts that keep rushing through my head. "We've gotta have some hope in these uncertain and dark times" the man exclaimed as I walked out of the door. I nodded in agreement and told him to have a good rest of the day. And for a moment I felt that things will turn out okay. Not thought but actually felt. I know that my cynicism that was born in 2016 after the election stuck around and grew stronger with all of the events in 2020 is nothing more than a coping mechanism, a coping mechanism that eats away at any sense of optimism in the fear of disappointment, in the protection against disappointment because of a traumatic moment in the emotional body. This is a coping mechanism, I remind myself continuously. This is not a world view nor a personality trait. Things don't simply have to be this way. There are other possibilities waiting to be explored. This passing mood is passing, it isn't who I am. And for a moment, I feel healed.

I've been thinking about the same thing too because I feel like I have changed so much as a person in recent days. I think there is an authentic ego that each person has that is unique to that individual and is according to what is healthy for that person's needs. But upon further introspection, I feel that authenticity often comes from a place of consciousness rather than just going on autopilot. On one level, there is trying to think for yourself and do what feels right for you personally rather than what society and other people say. To take that into another level, I think to truly act from that place of consciousness is to deconstruct the ego as a whole. A lot of our personality from childhood especially has to do with conditioning, labels that have been slapped on by other people, coping mechanisms etc. All of these is us reacting not for ourselves but for the environment in a subconscious level to survive. Nothing wrong with that, it helps us get to where we are today. But things like conditioning isn't the absolute truth. For instance, you could have easily had a completely different personality if some parts of your upbringing or surroundings were different. To truly be authentic, I feel, is to define oneself and one's personality according to one's values and vision for the world instead of having the world decide who we are. Authenticity is about realizing there is no true self and because there are no bounds and nothing holding us back, we can be free to be whomever we choose. We are free to be infinite.

They are much better at being authentic because they aren't tied down by social conditioning. This makes them more honest about themselves and their surroundings. Like a small child isn't going to care how his or her opinion will make you feel or if it will make things awkward. They don't have the social conditioning to understand that yet and that can create a lot of funny situations lol. If they like something, they'll let you know. If they don't they won't hesitate to express that either. This also makes them more imaginative. Because they are good at identifying what they like and don't like and they have yet to be tied down to the limits of social conditioning and other societal limitations. They will express themselves without caring about how foolish or outlandish their ideas may sound. Their imagination and their honesty also combine to make them seem more lighthearted and carefree. They can be authentic to themselves and really have fun without thinking twice about what other people will say. Also everything is so new to them so there is also a sense of curiosity and wonder of how everything works. Because of that, they have yet to be jaded or bored about their surroundings and for better or for worse they are a sponge taking in all the information around them. This can make a child appear more optimistic and enthusiastic about the world around them especially when you combine their imaginativeness. And when you combine that sense of curiosity with a particular subject that really interests a child, they have no problem tapping into that sense of passion. TLDR: Authenticity, Imagination, Carefree/Freedom, Curiosity, Optimism, Passion

It's easier to let go of emotions once we have fully felt, experienced, and learned from them and what they are trying to tell you. We only grow attached to something (emotions or otherwise) when we feel that there is something left un-experienced because of a lack of presence and therefore a lack of being.

@tuckerwphotography Yeah those look like a very rough estimate. I wouldn't be surprised if you were close. But then again, there can also be large differences in regions (west/east cost vs middle america, rural vs. suburbs vs. urban, north vs. south) as well in different socioeconomic groups (POC vs. white people, rich vs poor etc.). There isn't this even distribution when it comes to percentages. The U.S. has a wide range and if you're into spiral dynamics, I'd argue that it's the perfect place to sink your teeth into. There are so many different types of people here.

As some of the comments in this thread have said, dealing with toddlers at red =/= dealing with predators and murders (that's a separate issue) lmao Have you ever had to deal with a small child? Sure they can be annoying sometimes but they aren't dangerous or psychotic. In fact most of the times they are pretty sweet and not a nightmare lol. Just establish some clear boundaries even if they kick and scream and don't stoop down to their level because that fucks them up and teaches them that bullying people works. If they get that type of message, then they won't want to grow out of red down the line. By not responding/ giving in, you'll basically condition them to thinking "hey, maybe kicking and screaming doesn't help me get my way or get me any attention." Most kids have empathy even when they are young. They are mainly at stage red because they are still figuring out who they are and building their egos accordingly. You can appeal to their reason/ empathy after they have calmed down with a time out. Also just because you're at red doesn't mean you're an emotionless psychopath. Honestly, I've seen psychopaths operate in higher stages than red so its not like they are isolated in one particular stage of development.

I wouldn't say most of the country is in blue and orange, thought I would say that there is a large chunk. There is a lot of people moving into green especially when it comes to women, minorities, and young people because we have to learn how to deal with diversity more and more. There is a demographic shift happening in the U.S. and it is predicted that white people will no longer be the majority by 2030 or so. Because of that, a lot of white people (especially the old ones who still think of the 1950s as the good ol days) are getting triggered because of racism and nationalism and that's why you see so much of an ego backlash in politics today with people like Trump stroking the fires. This is common with demographic shifts and influxes of immigrants. A similar thing also happened in the late 1800s and early 1900s where white people in the U.S. discriminated against Irish and Italian citizens. It seems really silly now and I wouldn't be surprised if that's how we view Hispanic people or Asian people in a 100 or so years. This will die down eventually. Also after 2008, a lot of young people began being very critical with capitalism. The green leaning portion of this group (which is most) is open to alternatives such as socialism and Bernie Sanders but the blue leaning portion of this group instead puts the blame on minorities which is why there is still a sizable amount of young people you support Trump. Young people are also historically much more nonreligious compared to older generations. There is a consistent decline over the years. But the real challenge is dealing with the corporations I'd say.

I mean if that's what you feel is holding you back sure. Its going to be different for everyone. And its ok if you have an expressionless resting face. I have the same problem too lol but when you're talking to someone it doesn't hurt to just smile a little.

Kids will normally outgrow that by the time they are 5 or so and at that age, they don't even know how to manipulate people like that. Sure you have to deal with tantrums and the like and therefore have to discipline them but often times going into red yourself as the parent can open doors up to abuse. You don't have to go into red to deal with red, in fact it isn't the best idea especially when it comes to kids.

@Don Wei Yeah as long as you're honest with your intentions there isn't anything wrong. Not everyone wants relationships (guy or girl) and that is okay. But its still necessary to have a normal conversation or maybe a date and get to know people on a surface level before going forth with anything both as a general courtesy of "hey I see you as a person" and from a safety perspective as well.

No, we call guys creeps when they have done some weird shit. I've also been creeped out by guys I have found attractive as well. Sure if you're attractive you have a larger margin of error, but eventually girls and their friends catch on and then they will avoid you like the plague. It isn't as straight forward as physical attraction = want to date/ have sex. When it comes to dating and sex most of us also look for additional factors such as personality, willingness to respect boundaries etc. You don't get a free pass with creepy behavior just based on looks. I see this with a lot with guys in general where they scapegoat their looks as the problem when it really is something else because it's easier to play victim when it comes to being ugly since there is this assumption of how there is only so much you can do.

As a woman, it isn't uncommon to always be on guard around men (consciously or unconsciously). There is this sense of vulnerability wherever you go and even if you don't see yourself as vulnerable, other people around you do so that kind of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy on a societal scale and you become an easy target. There is this presumption that a lot of guys mainly look at us as sex objects and define us by our beauty. This isn't necessarily the act of any one individual person but its more so implied systemically by how society markets to us, how we get treated in the workplace etc. This is obviously different in the case something like sex work or doing something scandalous in a music video since in those cases a lot of the time there is consent involved where the woman herself wants to present herself in that light if that makes sense. Also there is this notion that guys only want one thing and that's sex. They don't want to have a relationship, they don't want to get to know us as individual people, they want to pump and dump (think fuck boy culture, dick pics etc.) even if rape isn't in the question. Like sure a guy may think you're attractive, but that doesn't mean they want to date or get to know you. When it does come to sexual assault most of us have experienced either it or came close to experiencing it, or know someone who has. Because of that, we're always on guard whether we are alone or with other people consciously or subconsciously (think of why women go to the bathroom in groups). Sure most guys aren't rapists but there is a power dynamic that is at play in society as whole and there is a consistent pattern. And even if something does happen to us, it is often painted as the woman's fault (i.e. she shouldn't have worn that, why was she drinking etc.) or we aren't believed (i.e. she's making this up for attention, he's a really good guy he would never etc.). So because of that, we try to be even more on guard to prevent ourselves from ever being in that position by doing things like keeping pepper spray, tasers, not going to gas stations in the middle of the night, not going on walks after dark etc. Most women have had to think this stuff through because we don't want to get killed. I pretty much agree with this quote. Basically approach with empathy rather than being super sexual from the get go. The only thing that i disagree with is that there is a small percentage of guys who can get away with it. It's very VERY small. Even if you're hot, that doesn't change it from being weird. If a girl has any type of self confidence (as in she isn't desperate for any type of attention) or common sense, she will steer clear from that type of behavior. That doesn't mean you can't approach girls or date, absolutely not, but lead with empathy. It isn't hard for us to find someone to fuck, it is hard however to find someone decent to get into a relationship with. Also a lot of girls prefer to date people they know in their social circles and meet guys through friends as opposed to being approach by random guys just fyi for further context.

The first thought I had was Obama

Disagree: There are plenty of asexual people who enter into relationships with no intention to reproduce or with any reason to find someone attractive. Also, i'm guessing you're talking about romantic/sexual relationships because relationships in general can be a very broad topic that includes things such as friends, family, and acquaintances as well. But I will agree that even those relationships can have a lot to do with survival, socially and otherwise. Because of that I would suggest defining relationships as a way people interact with others or their environment to get their needs met.

I have done a lot of work in therapy. There you can talk about your past relationships and if there are any other patterns that show up that you want to look at and you can also tackle things in regards to your family relationships. Analyzing family relationships and they dynamics that are present there can be extremely beneficial since those are the first relationships you have as a kid and can therefore often times set the tone for additional relationships down the road, especially romantic ones. Think of the ways you relate to your parents in regards to how they treated you and what kinds of healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms you learned from them. Also you can look at your parent's relationship to see what was modeled for you and what patterns you're taking from there. You can also explore feelings and issues that came up in your previous relationships to both grieve and learn lessons from those situations. This is largely a case by case situation (idk what your last relationship was like), but if something ended, there is likely a reason (unless yall just naturally grew apart and took different paths in life but even then you could look at the flaws that were there in yalls dynamic and still improve). Also, this might be a personal thing, but being really in tuned with your emotions so that you can open up to people and also establish boundaries in a relationship is huge. It's difficult to know where your boundaries lie when you aren't tuned into what you emotionally do and don't like. Knowing what you are and aren't willing to tolerate can help you zero in on what kind of relationship you want and who you want a relationship with. Validating what you do and don't want and honoring your boundaries can also help with becoming more confident in a relationship as well since you aren't hiding parts of yourself for the sake of the other person rather you are letting yourself just be. This is by no means the end all be all of what you can do as a lot of it can vary with personal needs but I would say that this can be the start.

Anger can be extremely helpful in understanding where your boundaries lie and what makes you tick. You can then work through any blockages you have from the past or communicate those boundaries with the another person after calming down so that you can work on the problem constructively. Knowing where your boundaries lie helps you keep yourself safe in the long run both emotionally and physically. After calming down, you can evaluate whether that boundary needs to be enforced (i.e. people are trying to take advantage of you) or if that boundary needs to be healed (ie you get into an argument with a friend and they are making sense but your ego feels hurt so you want to lash out). That you need to take on a case by case basis. I also really liked this comment on this thread: