soos_mite_ah

12 Jungian Archetypes: Reflection Key: Turquoise: I embody it well Gold: I embody it a little (or too much) but need to work on this more (-): not embodying it enough (+) embodying it too much Underline: this feels very natural to me from a young age to where it's almost like a default. Black: I don't embody it at all The Ego types 1. The Innocent I feel that I really started to embody this in the last couple years after I stopped being depressed constantly and moved out of my house for college. I also began therapy to unpack all of my baggage from home and that ended up making me feel like a much lighter version of myself. It was almost as if I was 5 years old again. I had what I call bright eyed bushy tailed energy and I felt very optimistic and upbeat about life. Its like I could tap into that child like enthusiasm and curiosity again after digging through the gunk that piled up over the years in my psyche. 2. The Everyman (-) Upon reading the description, I got the impression of how the everyman is someone who isn't boastful and sees themselves and other people as equal. In that way, I find myself embodying the everyman. I find myself resonating with this mainly when it comes to politics and basic decency. However, the reason why I believe that I could embody this more is because I had a label of me being a weird kid slapped onto me for a while to where it's a part of my ego and I have a shadow. I see myself as strange and sometimes like I can connect to others and relate. I'm trying to embrace more of my "normie" side lately (see Pumpkin Spiced Lattes p.3 in this journal) so that's how I'm trying to integrate all of this. 3. The Hero To embody this, I believe I need to do 2 things. One is create a more solid life purpose which is pretty explanatory if you're on this forum so I'll refrain from expanding on it a lot. The other is that I need to stop having "background character energy." I know there is the term called "main character energy" that has been thrown around a lot on the Internet. It refers to someone who seems pretty out there, goes on interesting adventures, and is sometimes prone to the tendency of forgetting that everyone has a life of their own because they see themselves as the star of their lives and everyone else as a side character. I'm using the term background character energy to refer to the opposite of this. I have resorted to being the background character in my life to avoid problems and confrontation from my peers. I've always taken the "I'm going to just ignore the annoying people and mind my own business by doing what I need to do." I would say that this was pretty good for me growing up because I avoided getting into drama and other petty problems. But I also never really asserted myself in groups of people. I rarely let myself stand out as a leader. Sure no one hated me, but I didn't have anyone really like me either because I never bothered to put myself out there. 4. The Caregiver I embody this archetype pretty well. At one point I embodied it too much and ended up being the therapist friend. I think it's good that I know how to care for people by listening to what they need and acting accordingly to meet those needs. It certainly helps me to connect to people and makes me a pretty reliable source of advice. The excess that I ran into before was that I would rush in and try to help everyone all the time even if the person isn't in the place to receive help because they needed to lesson on their own without me telling them what to do and giving them a predetermined structure. The way I dealt with this is that I set some boundaries with myself and others and proceeded to distance myself from people who were getting codependent. I also began really tapping into this when I developed/ explored my feminine side more in the last few years. The Soul Types 5. The Explorer I would say that I also embody this archetype pretty well. I have always been very open to experience both intellectually but also physically. I really integrated this as I became more interested in societies and cultures. I've also began being very authentic to myself as I learned about myself and the world. I also have a desire to travel around and get a lot of joy from that. 6. The Rebel (+) I have integrated this pretty well though I will say that growing up that this was in excess. I saw myself as a weird kid and on top of that I saw the limitations of conformity based on how my parents tried to raise me in a traditional way (don't question authority, respect elders, etc.). I questioned a lot of norms growing up and sometimes even faced backlash. This has been a crucial part of my growth and it helped me find what is authentic to me instead of rely on society all the time. I also went through a punk phase from the ages of 10-16 so there's that lol. When I was little I had problems with picking my battles but I have since learned to do so with age. I also find myself clinging to my weird kid label and I sometimes find it hard to follow a structure. I have an inclination to this archetype mainly based on familiarity. I believe integrating The Everyman (-) and The Ruler more will solve things. 7. The Lover I have integrated this fairly recently. In the last couple years I have focused my intention towards being more in touch with my feelings and with my feminine side. Before I was relatively closed off and uncomfortable/ fearful when it came to being vulnerable. I have learned to tap into that more and began seeing my vulnerability as something to embrace as a strength because it enables me to connect to others. Also when it comes to embracing my vulnerability and feminine side, nowadays I'm much more comfortable with letting other people take the lead if they want to do something nice for me or do something to help me out, especially but not limited to romantic situations. I remember before a couple years ago feeling guilty whenever someone would go out of their way to help me but I have since gotten over that by saying "thank you" more than "sorry". 8. The Creator/ Artist Growing up I integrated this archetype pretty early on because of the fact that I really enjoy art. When I was little I did a lot of painting and drawing. As I grew up, my creative energy shifted more towards writing and analysis. I think I was able to tap into creativity more because of my weird kid label because I didn't have anything to fear. I wasn't afraid to do things that weren't mainstream because I was already labeled as weird so in a way I didn't have anything to lose. This I would say goes along with the rebel and the explorer archetype because of how it relates to openness to experience. The Self Types 9. The Jester I'd say that I embody this pretty well. My interpretation of this archetype is the ability to not take things to seriously and having your own sense of humor. I wouldn't characterize myself as the class clown but I do know how to have fun and joke around even if it can't be told through my writing. I never really had problems with this whether it was an excess or lack of it. 10. The Sage I embody this well. I think embodying this archetype came from me being open to experience and me being depressed as a teen. It forced me to ask more questions and get to know myself and my reality in more depth. This is also the reason why I gravitated towards this site as well as self development as a whole. Before I had a problem with over analyzing things but nowadays I'm pretty confident with not knowing and I don't mind letting myself take things in in my own pace. Other than that, I didn't have too many hang ups along my journey. 11. The Magician (-) I've been really into manifestation lately and been cognizant of how my thoughts create my reality. That's what got me into shadow work in the first place. But I will say that I still have quite a few blockages I need to work through which is why I would characterize this as a lack. However, I don't completely lack it because I do believe that I can have a vision and work towards it. I think to further strengthen this I need to cultivate my life purpose and my vision more. In that way, this archetype connects with the Hero. 12. The Ruler This archetype really resonated with me, not because I embody it but because I lack it. I don't feel like going too much in depth on it because there is a lot to unpack but referring to Stability Fetish and Resistance to Discipline (both on p.3) sums things up pretty well . I won't reiterate this because it will be beating a dead horse. I think this also relates to my current taste in more masculine/assertive/ borderline domineering guys because it's like they have something that I don't and if I tap into what they have that means I won't have to go through the work and develop that quality in myself. This is problematic because causes me to get caught up with the idea I have of a guy instead of actually getting to know him as a human being. That's a plethora of other issues that I will probably discuss in a different post.

12 Jungian Archetypes My religion class this semester is currently talking about the Jungian Archetypes. The whole thing resonated with me so I decided to write out my reflection on it in this journal. In this post I'm going to write out the archetypes (I got them from this website:https://conorneill.com/2018/04/21/understanding-personality-the-12-jungian-archetypes/ but I also wanted to include this in my journal for aesthetics I guess). The next post will be my personal reflection. The 4 Cardinal Orientations The 4 cardinal orientations that the archetypes are seeking to realize are: Ego – Leave a Mark on the World Order – Provide Structure to the World Social – Connect to others Freedom – Yearn for Paradise The 12 Archetypes in Detail The Ego Types 1. The Innocent Motto: Free to be you and me Core desire: to get to paradise Goal: to be happy Greatest fear: to be punished for doing something bad or wrong Strategy: to do things right Weakness: boring for all their naive innocence Talent: faith and optimism The Innocent is also known as: Utopian, traditionalist, naive, mystic, saint, romantic, dreamer. 2. The Everyman Motto: All men and women are created equal Core Desire: connecting with others Goal: to belong Greatest fear: to be left out or to stand out from the crowd Strategy: develop ordinary solid virtues, be down to earth, the common touch Weakness: losing one’s own self in an effort to blend in or for the sake of superficial relationships Talent: realism, empathy, lack of pretense The Everyman is also known as: The good old boy, regular guy/girl, the person next door, the realist, the working stiff, the solid citizen, the good neighbor, the silent majority. 3. The Hero Motto: Where there’s a will, there’s a way Core desire: to prove one’s worth through courageous acts Goal: expert mastery in a way that improves the world Greatest fear: weakness, vulnerability, being a “chicken” Strategy: to be as strong and competent as possible Weakness: arrogance, always needing another battle to fight Talent: competence and courage The Hero is also known as: The warrior, crusader, rescuer, superhero, the soldier, dragon slayer, the winner and the team player. 4. The Caregiver Motto: Love your neighbour as yourself Core desire: to protect and care for others Goal: to help others Greatest fear: selfishness and ingratitude Strategy: doing things for others Weakness: martyrdom and being exploited Talent: compassion, generosity The Caregiver is also known as: The saint, altruist, parent, helper, supporter. The Soul Types 5. The Explorer Motto: Don’t fence me in Core desire: the freedom to find out who you are through exploring the world Goal: to experience a better, more authentic, more fulfilling life Biggest fear: getting trapped, conformity, and inner emptiness Strategy: journey, seeking out and experiencing new things, escape from boredom Weakness: aimless wandering, becoming a misfit Talent: autonomy, ambition, being true to one’s soul The explorer is also known as: The seeker, iconoclast, wanderer, individualist, pilgrim. 6.The Rebel Motto: Rules are made to be broken Core desire: revenge or revolution Goal: to overturn what isn’t working Greatest fear: to be powerless or ineffectual Strategy: disrupt, destroy, or shock Weakness: crossing over to the dark side, crime Talent: outrageousness, radical freedom The Outlaw is also known as: The rebel, revolutionary, wild man, the misfit, or iconoclast. 7. The Lover Motto: You’re the only one Core desire: intimacy and experience Goal: being in a relationship with the people, work and surroundings they love Greatest fear: being alone, a wallflower, unwanted, unloved Strategy: to become more and more physically and emotionally attractive Weakness: outward-directed desire to please others at risk of losing own identity Talent: passion, gratitude, appreciation, and commitment The Lover is also known as: The partner, friend, intimate, enthusiast, sensualist, spouse, team-builder. 8. The Creator/Artist Motto: If you can imagine it, it can be done Core desire: to create things of enduring value Goal: to realize a vision Greatest fear: mediocre vision or execution Strategy: develop artistic control and skill Task: to create culture, express own vision Weakness: perfectionism, bad solutions Talent: creativity and imagination The Creator is also known as: The artist, inventor, innovator, musician, writer or dreamer. The Self Types 9. The Jester Motto: You only live once Core desire: to live in the moment with full enjoyment Goal: to have a great time and lighten up the world Greatest fear: being bored or boring others Strategy: play, make jokes, be funny Weakness: frivolity, wasting time Talent: joy The Jester is also known as: The fool, trickster, joker, practical joker or comedian. 10. The Sage Motto: The truth will set you free Core desire: to find the truth. Goal: to use intelligence and analysis to understand the world. Biggest fear: being duped, misled—or ignorance. Strategy: seeking out information and knowledge; self-reflection and understanding thought processes. Weakness: can study details forever and never act. Talent: wisdom, intelligence. The Sage is also known as: The expert, scholar, detective, advisor, thinker, philosopher, academic, researcher, thinker, planner, professional, mentor, teacher, contemplative. 11. The Magician Motto: I make things happen. Core desire: understanding the fundamental laws of the universe Goal: to make dreams come true Greatest fear: unintended negative consequences Strategy: develop a vision and live by it Weakness: becoming manipulative Talent: finding win-win solutions The Magician is also known as: The visionary, catalyst, inventor, charismatic leader, shaman, healer, medicine man. 12. The Ruler Motto: Power isn’t everything, it’s the only thing. Core desire: control Goal: create a prosperous, successful family or community Strategy: exercise power Greatest fear: chaos, being overthrown Weakness: being authoritarian, unable to delegate Talent: responsibility, leadership The Ruler is also known as: The boss, leader, aristocrat, king, queen, politician, role model, manager or administrator.

Cheat Codes to Life Today I have made the consideration to change my major. I'm going to be switching over from finance to management. I haven't officially made the switch yet however I am planning to if things go the way they are right now up til November when I have to make the final decision. These are my main reasons for switching. 1. Management Aligns with my Interests and Life Purpose More Than Finance I originally got into finance for two things. One because I was good at math and enjoyed it. Another is because I care about topics like wealth inequality and how to help people get out of their life circumstances financially. When it came to being good in math, in the last month I realized that the only reason why I am good at math is because of the resources that were available to me and because my parents pushed me in that direction by sitting with me every weekend and doing problems. As a result, I began enjoying math because it was a subject I was good at. Because all of this happened when I was young, it felt so normal. It felt like the truth. Now, I'm not saying that I hate math or that I'm bad at it, but saying that I'm passionate about it is an overstatement. I mistakened ego for passion. I thought I loved math but really I loved how smart it made me feel, how easy it came to me, how whenever I would do well in math, my parents would shower me with love. But, once you take ego away, math was just like any other subject that didn't resonate with me. Skill =/= true passion. When it came to notions of wealth inequality, upon taking my finance core classes, I discovered that majoring in finance isn't the best way to achieve this goal. From what I'm learning in class, finance mainly has more to do with statistical calculations and coming up with numbers rather than evaluating the numbers and creating systems accordingly. I care much more about personal finance over the stock market. I honestly couldn't care less about the NYSE or NASDAQ. My management classes on the other hand focuses more on people and how they work together in an organization. This also ties in notions of how resources are allocated towards the workers and other projects. Even though you still have to deal with people in finance, with management it's not mainly focused on clients rather it is also focused on workers. From what I understand, management is more applicable an relevant with the well being people and wealth inequality because it is more oriented around the system of how a company works. While everything in management didn't come naturally to me, because of my interests in the social sciences and human behavior, I'm actually more willing to work my way up to those skills because I'm genuinely interested in it. Skill =/= true passion but true passion -> leads to skill 2. Careers in Management Align with the Lifestyle Choices that I Want for Myself Because I will be graduating in a couple of years, I have been looking into types of jobs to apply for. With finance, I found things like investment banking, venture capital, hedge fund management, corporate finance etc. To be completely honest, none of those seem appealing to me. On top of that, most of those with maybe the exception of corporate finance have ridiculously long work weeks. From what I've gathered, it's around an average of 60-80 hours each week. This isn't me being like "oh I don't want to work hard I want things to come easy for me etc." This is me saying "hey I don't want my career to dominate my life to where I don't have time for additional interests, relationships, contemplation, and growth." The thing that I find ironic about finance is that one of the first things you learn is that a lack of diversification leads to increased volatility. Sure, we were talking about assets in that instance but I believe that it also applies to life as a whole. In other words, don't put all of your fulfillment eggs in one basket. Find fulfillment in numerous areas in your life even apart from your career and life purpose to supplement your over all life satisfaction. A lot people in finance understand this on paper with their work, but they don't see the same mechanism working for the rest of their lives and as a result put all of their time and energy into work until they lose it or burn out completely. I'm sure that there are some people that derive a lot of pleasure from a fast paced finance career, but it doesn't seem like the most sustainable option both emotionally or physically. I'll pass. Instead, I find that careers in management has a better work life balance. Sure, there will be times where I'll have to put in extra hours but I don't mind so long as it isn't the norm. If anything, having extra down time can help one be more creative and alert meaning they will be able to put in more quality effort. I'm not opposed to working hard towards a particular goal, I just think there is more sustainable ways of going about it than working 80 hour work weeks. Management still pays well even if it is lower than finance. But that is a trade off that I'm willing to take. I'm willing to give up that opportunity cost for the freedom to have more time for myself, my hobbies, and someday a family. 3. Management Pairs Better with my Major in International Relations and Minor in Human Rights I picked up my second major in international relations and my minor in human rights solely because it interested me. I still kept finance as my main focus as I thought that this is what I will get a career with. The other two were simply garnishes for the main course. However, upon taking my finance classes, I realized that it didn't in corporate a lot of what I learned in my social science and humanities courses. Management on the other hand does. Management incorporates a lot of psychology as well as sociology. If I focus towards more global business, notions of anthropology and history also come into play when understanding different cultures and power dynamics. While majoring in finance can help me diversify my skills by adding in trading and more calculations, majoring in management can complement my skills in the social sciences for more holistic decision making. Management ties in my skills in those classes and my understanding of human behavior in a more practical and more marketable way in the job market. Plus, I love dealing with people and institutions. I think that this is a better way of moving businesses through the spiral because it isn't about how the numbers are being crunched in a stage orange way rather it is how the numbers are being applied in a larger system so that there is efficiency and equity among people so that they can be emotionally elevated and therefore more productive (green/yellow). 4. The Switch in my Major Isn't that Bad It would be one thing if I was going from finance all the way to physics. That would definitely lengthen my graduation time and therefore how much money I will owe the school. There would me many more logistical concerns there. Rather, I'm switching majors within the business school. There is a lot of over lap between finance and management since they are both business degrees and therefore require some of the same basic business courses. I'm also not in too deep with finance to where it will be a great inconvenience to major in management. If I switch now, things will still be ok. It's better to stop, wait a minute, take everything in and change course accordingly so you can get to where you want to go rather than sprint at lightening speed towards the wrong direction only to crash and burn. 5. Majoring in Finance is Taking an Emotional Toll on Me This goes along with #2 when it comes to life style choices. Every time I would look at my course work, I found myself zoning out and having an existential crisis thinking *this is what my life is going to amount to* in a very negative way. I caught myself just not liking where my life was heading and I noticed myself lacking in bright eyed bushy tailed energy. As a result, I have been really having to force myself to do anything, even though I arguably do have the mathematical skills. The notion of getting into a soul crushing job with long hours of punching numbers hung over me. I feel that my mind being reluctant to focus is a form of self sabotage in order to protect me from this type of future. The fact that I have to drag myself to do anything is a sign. It's not a good feeling but those feelings are still trying to tell you something usually in an effort to warn or protect you from something. Sure sometimes it can come out in an unhealthy way and can be an egoic over reaction but sometimes, sounding the alarm bells is necessary however unpleasant. I believe that these negative emotional states are trying to tell me that if this was my life purpose, hard work is more likely to be a flow state rather than pure grunt work. I have had to deal with classes that were challenging before and though it didn't feel like a breeze, it still felt like a flow instead of a constant forceful push. I'm going to opt to listen to my intuition before my intuition's whisper turns into a scream for help. When I told myself that I'm going to opt to major in management instead, a weight felt as thought it was being lifted off my shoulder. My future didn't feel super grim. I then began thinking *hey, I need to only do this for this semester and get through this, it isn't what my life is going to amount to.* That thought brought me an immense amount of relief, probably to the point where I can get through this semester. I remember getting a piece of advice that said "choose what feels like freedom." What feels freedom isn't always the same as doing what feels easy in the short term rather it is about what will be good in the long term. It isn't a manic, crazy, panicky feeling rather it is one of peace and balance. And that is exactly what choosing management feels like to me. This is where my intuition is guiding me towards. I'm glad that I came to these conclusions sooner rather than later. I feel that the work I have done on myself as well the content/ advice I got from a variety of teachers have helped me a ton. Who knows how long I would have had to deal with this existential crisis or how much longer it would take me to get to these conclusions. I'm glad that I'm getting these conclusions now rather than say a year from now when I will be graduating or maybe even years down my career. The stuff that some of these teachers have said are really like the cheat codes to life it one actually listens to and applies the knowledge/ advice. I'd say it has paid off considerable and streamlined my growth.

I love her channel!!!! I find her content to be very in depth while remaining entertaining. As a result, her videos really resonate with a lot of different types of people along the spiral even though the message is pretty green/yellow.

I feel that this video is super applicable with what I'm dealing with right now. This is probably my third time revisiting this video. Around the 27 minute mark, Leo talks about how growing too much can cause a backlash and make you want to shrink away from the challenge for a while. This applies to me because I have grown so much over the years that I'm shying away from growing, particularly when it comes to my career. Instead I want to retreat into this fantasy of being a housewife even though it isn't going to help me in any way. Around the 38 minute mark, the video explains how suffering mindfully will help you purify and grow you even more. The main thing that I get from this is that you have the opportunity to grow during an ego backlash the most because you're neurosis are laid out in front of you and therefore you have the opportunity to tackle them one by one. The goal is to see these backlashes as part of the growth process instead of seeing the backlash as something negative and something to beat yourself up about. I will admit that I'm sometimes tempted to do that especially since my desire for stability seems so backwards and regressive. The key is to be mindful, not judgmental, which is why I find it helpful to write this all out. Understanding that this is an ego backlash and this is a part of the journey helps one not get consumed by it. The regressive way to deal with this backlash for me is to go with a quick fix by trying to settle down quickly. But in the long term, this will create more issues because I won't be fulfilled with what I'm doing with my life and I will be dependent on a man which then would sour the relationship and harbor a lot of resentment. Right now I have anxiety with gaining my independence. If I engage in this fantasy, I will still have the anxiety with independence because I never addressed it and instead just covered it up, but now on top of that I would be entangled with a plethora of other issues whether it is logistics or psychological. Logistically, this wouldn't be a good move because if I don't be proactive with say getting work experience, it will be harder to build a career with a large gap on a resume because instead of working, you were busy doing nothing at home. If the relationship gets toxic, there will be no where to go since you wouldn't've gained independence on your own. Psychologically this will also come with a ton of problems ranging from stress to long term trauma. Over all, this is not a type of backlash that I want to engage in. I'd rather go with what's more difficult in the short term which is working hard in school and trying to get through this chaotic time instead of slacking off now and leaning on someone else later on. The progressive way to deal with this backlash for me is to build structure and discipline amidst this chaos. After all, this entire time I am craving a sense of stability. Instead of looking for stability outside of myself in like man for instance, it's much more productive to find stability in myself. Learning how to be efficient, learning to have discipline outside of a regular structured day that a college presents to me, etc. will help me grow up and build the skills necessary for a career later on even if the opportunities do not present themselves right away. Right now amidst all this chaos isn't the time to go out there and grab the world by its balls, its time to stand back and work on myself so that when opportunities do present themselves, I will be ready. Really mastering self discipline will pay off ten folds I don't think I really need to explain this tbh. Ultimately the experiences I am having right now are paving my way to my purpose. I am cultivating the skills I need to execute my future goals in the present. I will get through this and I will get through this stronger than when I first began.

Stability Fetish There is a part of me that craves stability. I have made growing myself a priority for about a solid 5 years now. While I am proud of how far I have come as a person, there is a part of me that desires stagnation. Every year for the last five years has been radically different than the past for me personally. I have grown so much and I have changed so much as well. It's like every year I'm a whole nother person. I think this partially has to do with the fact that I'm still in my formative years. People are typically prone to change a lot during this time because they are young enough to be impressionable to what's happening in the world while old enough to have the critical thinking in order to understand what's actually happening. I really thought that I reached a place where I am stable and I can chill tf out with this constant state of self improvement. I thought I could lead a normal life without having an existential crisis every so often. After all I got my personal life under control. I have healed much of my past trauma. I'm pretty happy with my life. I'm making goals and achieving them accordingly. I've even got to the point where I can do some shadow work since all that I need to clean up now are the cob webs of my mind. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Then 2020 happened and the world is pretty much on fire. I was coping with it relatively well but in the last week or so, I have caught myself feeling gloomy and pessimistic. After RBG passed away, things took a turn for the worse with the state of democracy in the U.S. Trump came up with a new nominee, one that will likely try to over turn Roe v. Wade and try to over turn gay marriage. He is also talking about "patriotic education" because apparently the left is taking over history by painting historical figures in a bad light. He also said that he won't guarantee a peaceful transition of power if he loses. I'm not surprised by any of this. Things have been bad for a while starting from 2015 when Trump even started campaigning. The KKK have had rallies/ protests. The alt-right is empowered. People are in cages. There are travel bans. There are constant scandals in the news everyday. Global warming is silently making moves. People's livelihoods are at stake because of raging capitalism. Brett Kavanaugh is in the Supreme Court amidst #MeToo. All of this was before 2020. The only thing the pandemic has done is speed up where we were already headed when it came to rising inequality, polarization, and upcoming fascism. The message regarding Trump not peacefully giving up power has been ringing in my ears for the last few days. I can't help but think that we are headed towards a dictatorship. Sure Trump is super incompetent, but so much damage has happened in the last five years (I'm also counting the time he was campaigning because that was also a mess). I doubt it will get Hitler level bad but I'm not sure tbh. Regardless, I still have some hope. After unstable times comes a time of a lot of progress right? WW2 led to decolonization. The Great Depression gave us basic social programs. The 60s gave us considerably more civil rights. etc. I feel that about 10 years after the pandemic we will be much more SD stage green because we are being forced to evolve. But until then in the short term we are stuck in this chaos. And all I'm doing is reassuring myself that COVID is a collective ego backlash. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- But that doesn't stop me from craving stability. Even though I'm only 20 all I want right now is to get into a relationship, settle down, and get married. I don't want to be strong by myself anymore. I want to melt into a guy who knows what he's doing and have him take care of me instead. I want to surrender. I want to be vulnerable so I can open up to more gentleness in my life. After all the world and it's chaos and my personal life hasn't been so gentle with me. I have this fantasy of being like this 1950s housewife that takes care of things at home while the man does everything else. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be ok. Even if that is a lie, sometimes I need something to hold on to. But it's just that, a fantasy. I know that if I took that path that I would actually lose my mind. I'm very independent mentally and emotionally. I like going after and achieving things. I want to pursue a life purpose. I also don't like most men and have yet to find someone I really click with so there's also that. Also getting into a relationship and becoming dependent on someone financially is actually hell both logistically and emotionally since the other party doesn't like feeling as thought they are being leeched off of. Because of these reasons, I have no desire to pursue this fantasy. Feeling this way is an anomaly for me. And I recognize that. I had some of these feelings come up around last year. It disappeared earlier this year and then reappeared around June when the world really started going crazy. I know that this isn't what I truly want rather this is a coping mechanism to escape from the chaos that is 2020.

Resistance to Discipline My goal for 2019 was to build more discipline for myself. I would say that I was doing pretty good for the first 4 months of the year but after I came back home, I started back sliding. The thing is that the pandemic unveiled how much I needed an external source of structure, like a school day or a set schedule to cultivate discipline. Now, all of that is off the table. My days, weeks, and routines started meshing together like an amorphous blob. Time feels like an illusion. Most days feel the same. This lack of external structure made me realize how important it is to have an internal sense of structure and self discipline. I feel this need to fulfill that since I see how necessary it is. But for some reason I also encountered some resistance to that. Even though I see it's need, for some reason I don't immediately want to. I thought I'd introspect for a bit and this is what I came up with. My parents exercised undisciplined discipline. This is a term that I found in M Scott Peck's A Road Less Travelled. When discipline is undisciplined, it means that the parent's exercised discipline in neurotic ways by taking it to an extreme. One to the ways this can impact a child is by making them associate discipline with negative emotions and therefore causing them to not want to take responsibility. This resonated with me more than I would like it to. My parents were rigid in their standards and this makes me inclined to associate discipline with powerlessness, exhaustion, and blame. An indirect consequence of this is a lack of confidence in myself and my abilities. This is because I don't follow through with the promises I have made for myself by not exercising the discipline is need to achieve my goals. Also, another thing that I learned about discipline is the importance of consistency and routines. A couple weeks ago I tried to cram a lot of course work into a weekend so that I could stay ahead in my classes. That didn't work out. I got ahead and I thought I was doing good because I wasn't procrastinating. But not procrastinating is not the same as having discipline. Even though I wasn't cramming last minute, I was still cramming. This time I was cramming proactively That has a lot of consequences in the weeks following because I was exhausted after that weekend and therefore I fell behind. Exams weren't pretty either. I wanted to use this strategy with cramming proactively because it worked for me in the past. It helped me stay ahead of my classes and was very useful for a lot of my social science and humanities type courses that typically had a lot of reading. But with my more math heavy courses, this was counter productive. Any way so I have been really stressed and mentally not in a good place because of this. This was a little difficult to come to terms with. I am a very go with the flow person who doesn't like routines and consistency. I don't wake up at the same time every morning. I don't go to sleep at the same time every night. I don't even eat at the same time everyday. I do things as I feel is intuitively fit. I do things while listening to my body and my emotions rather than looking at a clock. I think I started doing this as a reaction towards my parents' rigid life style. It seemed so out of touch with how things really felt and therefore felt relatively unconscious. I resorted to stage green coping mechanisms because of the limitations I saw rather than fully integrating orange and blue notions of consistency, duty, and productivity. I believe that my aversion to routines and consistency also circles back to the stuff I said about undisciplined discipline I said above.

The first thing that came to mind was this quote of MLK saying "I fear that I have integrated my people into a burning house." Could this be a possible hint of yellow? It could indicate the insight that America was not fully ready to integrate in the 1960s and in some ways it opened people up to more hostility (or a backlash). The way that I interpreted the quote was that in a way you could avoid discrimination through separation because you're only dealing with people in your own community in your own little section however there is nevertheless an underlying hostility due to a lack of exposure to the other hence why there is separation in the first place. In other words, even though integration is a necessary step, it can open up to a lot of messiness (think of the black people who had to be escorted by the national guard when schools first got integrated). Basically, the ideal situation is to get rid of racism and then integrate in a peaceful way. I disagree with that because as long as there is separation and people are living in isolated groups, it's muuuuch easier to fall into the habit of demonizing the other purely from lack of exposure when given the background of a prior history of conflict. You can also see this in the way that protestants and Catholics are divided in Ireland if you want an example of how segregation can impact social views outside of race in America. It's important to expose yourself to people who are different than you so you can realize just how similar yall are and how the differences are arbitrary (applies to race but isn't limited to it). Yes, desegregation opens up to being more vulnerable when it comes to discrimination because you are along side you're oppressors and because of that there can be a lot of craziness in the short term but in the long term, it's necessary for our collective evolution. I feel that MLK was aware of something along these lines and continued to advocate for desegregation anyway instead of just aborting mission because he knew that greats strides forward can come with collective ego backlashes. aaaaand there are also some stage blue conspiracy theorists who also view the same quote as the following: The people who believe this are also the one's who think that MLK was part of a conspiracy where the US government/illuminati/global elites/reptile people etc. wanted to give black people an idol to control the masses only to kill him so that black people lose their minds and because they would be in a state of grief, they'd be even easier to control. Also there is the narrative that MLK woke up from his "dream" or as the conspiracy theorists call it "mind control" and then started saying things like this and because he said too much, he was shot. Thought I'd mention it because it's a good example of how the lower stages can manipulate the original message of the higher stages for their own agenda/ narrative.

Re-Evaluating My Life Purpose Recently I have been re-thinking my life purpose. I've basically been in a minor existential crisis state because it just hit me that I am going to graduate college in 2 years and I don't know what I'm doing with my life career wise. Also there were some toxic elements to my original life purpose that I recently discovered and I'm working through that. I'm probably going to write more about that in future posts since right now everything is so convoluted to where I don't even know how to articulate this to myself. But there is one thing that I do think about when I think of a solid life purpose. I think of Bernie Sanders. I am inspired by his consistency over the years in terms of policy, opinions, and even his own sense of values. He has been at it in politics for such a long time and I feel that it comes from a very genuine place where he cares about others. Here are some videos of him interviewing people back in the 1980s. Also another thing that I found circulating around the internet were these edits of Bernie Sanders that looked like an anime opening. It honestly my favorite thing. The comments for each of these videos also cracks me up Nothing says life purpose and hero's journey like an anime opening Truly the best campaign ads I have ever seen

I do agree with that. Some really qualities that comes from blue include things such as duty, justice, and stability. Those qualities can be expressed in a unhealthy way such as mike pence type of law and order and the grace of god which then leads to things such as systemic racism. Those qualities can also be expressed in a healthier way such as a Catholic nun who decided to commit their lives to the duty of serving the lord because it is just and promotes stability. With MLK however, I get the feeling that his teachings were more centered around notions of compassion (stage green) rather than notions of justice (stage blue). Definitely he talked about justice but it's still under the foundation of compassion rather than authority. Also it is worth noting that MLK was trying to challenge the hierarchy rather than build a new one. Green likes to tear down hierarchies so that it can achieve equality while when blue tears down hierarchies, it's to build a new hierarchy to mirror it's own interest (think kingdoms over throwing each others structures in order to place itself in power and make a new structure). MLK was challenging white supremacy, but he never said anything about replacing it with something that solely benefits black people and poc. Some white people thought that amidst the civil rights movement in the 1960s because they were afraid that black people asking for equality will lead them to wanting superiority. This is a stage blue projection, not the truth. You can also see the same stage blue projection now in 2020 with BLM where some people misinterpret the movement are like "All lives matter not just black lives" even though that isn't the point of BLM. I think it's easy to confuse green and blue because they both have notions of taking care of a larger community outside of yourself. In the way that both stages are collective, they can have similar patterns except one pattern is more limited (my country, my race, my religion) and the other pattern is more expansive (the world, humanity, all religions).

I mean being religious isn't something that is confined in any one stage. The way I see it, where someone is at in the spiral determines how they interpret scripture. For instance, a stage blue religious person might put more weight on how you need to disown everyone who is not like you while a stage green religious person might put more weight on something like "love thy neighbor" which extends to loving people who are a different race than you. A stage blue Christian is more likely to try to defend slavery using the bible. I have met both stage blue and stage green Christians and even though both groups were religious in the same extent (i.e going to church 2x a week etc.) the way they viewed the world was VERY different. I can't speak for everyone but from my experience the first group was more prone to take the bible literally and was keen on fearfully avoiding anything that will piss of god while the second group tried to approach the bible in a more lenient way where things were up to interpretation since even though the text is there, there is no way to know what god is (at least from the limited human, stage green perspective) The way I see it, religion is a tool. The way you use it and the way that a society interprets it has a lot to do with social and political factors, both of which are linked to spiral development.

@louhad @dflores321 Why would MLK be in blue?

No he seems mainly green (civil rights, equality, addressing systemic racism, etc.) maybe a little blue since he is a preacher in the 1960s and some orange because he isn't solidly green

I would put show Queer Eye in between orange and green (roughly 35% orange and 65% green). This particular analysis of the show however is pretty heavily green.

I've recently been getting into understanding the unconscious/subconscious mind. I was wondering on how to measure how much of your unconscious is left unexplored or how to measure how healthy one's unconscious mind is. I know things like meditation and perhaps analyzing dreams can give vital insight about what the unconscious is trying to tell us. Self development (especially when it comes to moving up the spiral or through the stages) can help reveal and work through the unconscious in a conscious manner. I was wondering if there is anything else that one can use to analyze and measure where the unconscious is in terms of development and how much of it we are aware of.

Pumpkin Spice Lattes For the last couple months I have been trying to shake this weird kid label that was slapped onto me in childhood through shadow work. It's been working well but I think there are some ways that I can expand on dismantling this label. One thing that I have yet to try until now is being more basic or being more of a "normie" (I just don't like this term. It reminds me of incels. So I'm going to use basic). I'm trying to incorporate more mainstream things into my life style. Some things may include binging on Netflix more, namely shows that are like Friends and New Girl, watching makeup tutorials on YouTube, drinking more Starbucks, listening to the top 40 on the charts etc. To be honest, I don't know what super mainstream stuff is all I know is that it's not what I typically gravitate towards. Like even as I type this stuff out, it feels weird and unnatural for me. I don't watch shows like that, the main things I watch on YouTube have to do with meditation and self help, and my music is just a very odd mix to say the least. I feel the resistance. It's not so much that I have judgements over these things or that I don't feel comfortable with it, but it's more of I much rather do something else. I guess another aspect of this that feels uncomfortable is that I'm doing this to develop myself. Normally people see developing oneself as going off the beaten path or discovering new ideas, in other words becoming less basic. Becoming basic and conformist seems like the antithesis of this. But for me personally, I feel like I need to be more basic, not for the sake of fitting in with other people, but to fully transcend my "weird kid" label. I think that this label comes with both a superiority complex and an inferiority complex. The way I'm going to describe this is going to be cartoonish simple for the sake of brevity and clarity but I assure you it plays out in a much more subtle way in my psyche. Superiority: I'm so different, unique, and creative. I'm so much better than everyone who is just a conformist who goes with everything that society says. Look at all of the sheeple. Inferiority: I'm so weird. No one likes me. No one will understand me or want to be friends with me. I'm ugly and too weird to mix with everyone. I need to isolate myself because I'm so cringey. And so I guess the best way to stop judging myself and other more basic people is to embrace my own basicness. Being basic feels unnatural and I feel like I'd rather be doing something else but then again it only seems that way because a lot of our preferences are an acquired taste that have to do with the development of our egos. I remember some time ago I decided that I was going to embrace my feminine side. I felt a similar type of resistance back then. I figured, hey being a tomboy feels natural to me, I don't want to play around with makeup. While I didn't consciously or intentionally judge traditionally feminine things, there was an air of discomfort around it. I went ahead and tried to embrace femininity anyway. And I grew a lot from that. I uncovered and dismantled A LOT of internalized misogyny. I learned to be more in tuned and more expressive with my emotions. I finally figured out how to dress, do my makeup, and my hair without looking like an absolute disaster. I also found out that I look better with long hair and that doing my makeup is rather relaxing. I learned how to be more vulnerable, how to let other people take care of me. I learned how to not be an idiot around guys and more. There are some traditionally feminine things that never resonated with me. They include being high maintenance, being like this archetype of the prim and proper classy lady 24/7 that is largely influenced by elitism and Eurocentric standards, having a maternal instinct (though I am still exploring that one), wearing a skirt, and being super elaborate with my makeup. But for the most part, I can embrace my femininity. Sure I'm still a tomboy at heart who can go camping, be super relaxed, and still take down guys who are a foot taller than me but I have since expanded my sense of self to the more gentle side of me. That's what I hope to do with integrating my basicness. I hope to embrace that part of myself and maybe even explore into more mainstream territory to see what I like. But by no means am I obligated to accept everything my way. And also by no means am I obligated to abandon all of the more unconventional things about me. The key isn't to suppress the weird parts of me, it's to expand beyond that. I'm still going to be into self actualization, but I'm also going to be watching the Kardashians. I don't see why I can't do both. And if it doesn't work out, I can always stop. And similar to the way that I embraced my femininity to get rid of my internalized misogyny, I'm embracing my basicness to get rid of my superiority and inferiority complex I got due to the events in my childhood. Also aside from my personal stuff, I think there is an important thing I can learn about how normies think. It can keep one grounded and understand the terrain in which consciousness is in collectively. I have seen a lot of the people on this forum overestimate how conscious the average person is and judge them negatively for that. Sure they may be a lower level of consciousness, but they are where they are and they will progress at their own rate. Being lower or higher consciousness is not bad or good given that good/bad are largely an egoic illusory construct. But nevertheless, I do see that sense of judgement. I think It's important to understand what the average person off the street thinks both in terms of seeing how we can raise consciousness and just for regular socialization. For instance I'm not going to go up to a random person and start talking about how we don't exist, how I am God, and how they need to watch Leo's 2 hour videos weekly. I will look like I'm in a cult. No offense to Leo, his videos are amazing and have helped me immensely but I'm just aware on how things can come across to people who haven't really watched a lot of his videos. Understanding that and instead opting to weave in what I learned from actualized.org videos into regular conversations as opposed to making people watch the channel is one of the ways that understanding basic people can come in handy when socializing. Like with all perspectives, the perspective of a basic person is important, just as important as things that aren't mainstream. What consists of off the beaten path is relative to people according to their comfort zone. For most people the billboard top 40 is considered the path everyone takes with their music taste and everything else is seen as off the beaten path. For me however, that is flipped. For me, the unventured territory is the mainstream one. So catch me with a pumpkin spice latte.

CHUG THE SELF-LOVE JUICE Lately I haven't been posting much. I have been really stressed with school and life in general. Whenever I catch myself feeling like absolute trash I write down what I'm feeling, walk away to take care of myself, and then critique what I wrote by hyping myself up and giving myself advice. I also stress eat a lot and I finished an entire packet of brownie brittle in one sitting but this isnt about that (but it was nice not gonna lie). I like to imagine myself as my own best friend and as my own therapist. It makes me feel really self assured, helps me give myself some distance and objectivity over a situation, and helps me learn better because the lessons actually sink in as I write and speak to myself positively. So here it is. I present to yall my most recent breakdown. The red is me during my emotional outburst and the commentary under it is how I'm choosing to deal with it. I literally haven’t slept last night because I have been freaking out about what I'm going to do with my life after college. First of all, we’re already on a bad start. You’re running on sleep deprivation and anxiety. Because of that your thoughts aren’t going to be the best reflection of reality. Take a nap, eat something, shower, and then we’ll talk. Like I'm not impressive in any way. I'm not going to an amazing school. Ok your mom literally conditioned you to think that any school that isn’t an ivy isn’t worth going to at a young age. Like literally after your first day of preschool she asked you what college you want to go to and then made you choose between Harvard and MIT even though at that age you didn’t know what either of those places were and you pronounced MIT as mitt (like as in oven mitt). I’m glad that even from a young age you didn’t internalize the desire to get into an ivy league college and were willing to challenge that as you got older by applying to places like NYU but you still carry the internalized belief that unless you go to an elite school, you’re going to end up homeless. This also has to do with the political/ economic structure you grew up in, namely post 2008, which gave you the impression that if you don’t graduate from an ivy with a STEM degree you’re doomed to be working as a coffee barista reading Buzzfeed articles for the rest of your life. Also the fact that you're in a pandemic with the most incompetent people in power doesn’t help. Understand that this isn’t you, it’s internalized capitalism, but at the same time don’t let this be a limiting belief. You can still go after what you want. Perfectionism is only holding you back. And I know that the way you’re acting isn’t typical for you but your true colors and internalized beliefs slip out when you’re stressed and insecure and to that I will say, a college degree is a college degree. You’ve got to stop with this inferiority complex because even though you have been wronged by your strict Asian parents in the past, when you talk like this you sound elitist, pretentious, and entitled as fuck. Stop for the sake of everyone but especially for your own sake because this isn’t great for your self-esteem. Like girl it’s not a good look. I see you breaking out. Chug that self-love juice and have some school spirit because your college is a decent school. My gpa is mediocre to say the least. Ok and you can raise your GPA. You’ll be fine. Sure you’re going to have to work hard and not get sleep but if you beat yourself up along this journey, it’s going to take longer and you’re going to be more exhausted. Chug the self-love juice. I didn’t get a chance to study abroad and get an internship because I was hit with a health issues during the summer after my freshman year and a pandemic during the summer after my sophomore year which cancelled all of my plans. In regards to health issues, you did what you needed to do. If you pushed through that, chances are the shit that you were dealing with would have extended on for a while. You handled that situation to the best of your ability given the information and the coping mechanisms you had at the time. In regards to the gap on your resume for 2020, I’m sure employers will understand. This was literally global and everyone had to deal with it. And it’s not like you didn’t have plans and you were intending on bumming out for the summer (which you didn’t at all). You had it in the bag and you did what was in your power. I understand that you want to take responsibility for this situation and take control but you need to understand that beating yourself up and putting yourself in a place of shame isn’t going to help you to respond in this situation. Be gentle with yourself. This is the third time I’m saying this and I’m probably going to keep saying this but. CHUG. THE. SELF-LOVE. JUICE. Also there is a pandemic happening. There are bigger things happening in the world other than your cancelled trip to Japan and lack of work experience. I understand it hurts and it’s ok to feel that way. This is a difficult time for everyone. But also, keep things into perspective or you’ll end up sounding like the Kim Kardashian crying, diamond earring meme. And just when I was feeling better about life, i had to move back in with my parents. I'm turning 21 in about a month but I honestly feel like I'm 13 again because I back in my home town, because of the way my parents treat me, and because I'm trapped at home all the time. That’s normal. It’s normal to feel like you’re childhood self when you’re back to familiar surroundings. It takes most people a while to fully get over that. Also its ok that adulthood feels like a shock to you and that you essentially still feel like a child in some aspects. Think about it this way. You’re always changing as a person. You’re definitely not the same person you were when you were 10 because you’ve grown since then. But you can’t exactly pinpoint where you stopped being your old self and you started being who you are today because the changes were gradual and continuous. That’s why you feel as if you’re still your 13 year old self but I assure you that you are an adult and you can cope with this. 13 year old you wouldn’t be able to hold this down like you are right now. She couldn’t even order at a Chick fil A without turning into an emo, socially awkward, anxious mess. Also she had a lot of internalized misogyny, was in her “im not like other girls” phase, her peak for humor was the 2012 moustache trend and the only adjective she knew how to use was epic. Trust me, you’ve grown since then. You aren’t your old 13 year old self even though you circumstances now may have similarities with that. And I get that you get nostalgic over the things from 2008-2012. I see you listening to Kesha more and more while you work out. But keep in mind that nostalgia is deceptive and paints things in rose toned glasses. It easy to look back at your childhood and think it was super easy when really it wasn’t and the only reason why you think that is because now you have the coping mechanisms to deal with the problems you had back then. It’s like math. You look back at the algebra you were working on in the 6th grade and you’re like “wow that was so easy, why was I tripping over 5x+2=12?” when really it feels easy for you now because you know what you are doing but when you were learning it for the first time, you were pressed af. Same thing with life lessons. You look back now and you’re like “why was I tripping over this trifling ass bitch” but at that age, you were struggling to figure this stuff out because you had a lack of life experiences. Which is why it doesn’t make sense for parents to yell at you for being incompetent because you’re literally just learning. That’s a whole nother subject but you really shouldn’t do that to yourself either. Also, I understand the fuzzy feelings that comes with nostalgia, but do you really want to go back to this…… Granted we have our own cringy trends in this decade. Like we’re defiantly going to look back at tik tok and cringe at half of this shit. But as far as YOLO and Swag goes, it couldn’t be me lol. And speaking about pandemics, I don't even want to think about the depression (both economic and emotional that is coming towards me. I'm also reevaluating whether or not i even want to continue with my major and I think I'm essentially wasting my life. It’s ok to question or even change your major. But don’t just do that, because you think it’s hard. I see that you derive pleasure from seeing how smart you are by choosing subjects that you’re good at (or think you’re good at) and by just saying you’re a finance major. Obviously this isn’t the only reason why I’m majoring in finance but like let me be honest with myself. Also you can do more things with a business degree than wasting your life away in a high paying corporate job that works you to the bone. Not every work environment is like. You’re just surrounded a bunch of really competitive people who, despite having the confidence to assert themselves, they don’t have self-respect to set boundaries and are willing to sell their souls to an abusive boss. They use Linked In like it’s an actual social media site, and they are definitely doing to have a mid-life crisis at 35 when they realize they hate their spouse and kids or that have no time for them because they were living their lives as if they were in the Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah there is something to learn from them, namely networking and knowing to assert yourself but just know that the environment you’re in isn’t reflective of everywhere in society. And remember what your professor told you. You may feel like an outcast in corporate America because you want to make friends and be creative but just know that there is a place for you and that even if people aren’t the same as you or that people hate you, know that what you have to offer is valuable. You are a liberal woman of color with creativity, empathy, and an understanding of how not to take advantage of consumers and workers. Corporate America might resist that, but honey, you are its future. The trends and the political environment is pointing towards that. Don’t forget that. You got this. Also you’re not going to depressed. I’m not going to let yourself go there. Because I’m going to make sure that you chug that self-love juice. Like the fact that I need to get out and fully support myself and get a job that requires actual skills which I'm pretty sure I don't have scares the shit out of me. And it’s ok. We don’t pop out of the womb knowing how to do, well anything. Yes, you’re dealing with a learning curve, but you’re still here to learn and you’re doing what you need to be doing. It will get better. We established this previously. It seems hard now, but it will seem obvious in the future. In fact, future you is probably looking back now at this moment in her memories wondering why you were tripping. I honestly dont think I'm going to amount to anything and I don't believe that I have anything that I can offer to anyone tbh both on a career but also on a social level. We established this previously. You are worth it and everything is going to be ok. You have a lot to offer. You may not be in the right place where you feel that and are conscious of it, but it’s still there whether you acknowledge it or not. And it will always be there. Similar to your GPA, you can improve your career. You can make moves. You can do something about this. It’s not like you have a baby now or you have a criminal record, neither of which you can just yeet out of your life. Sure things haven’t been the best in the last couple years, but you can turn things around. It may be hard, it may require a lot of effort, but things like this are reversible. It’s going to be ok. You may feel dumb af now, but remember, you’re here on scholarship. You have work ethic. You don’t even procrastinate anymore. This is how you feel now, but there is evidence against it. The facts conflict with your feelings so get it together and get back into reality. We don’t have the time to be self-loathing. CHUG THE SELF-LOVE JUICE Socially speaking, you can finesse colleges and your professors on sheer personality alone. The only thing here is that this college isn’t the best fit for you socially. And that’s ok. It isn’t to bash either one of yall. They have their lane and you have yours. It is what it is. Don’t twist this into something that makes you feel like trash. But girl, you and I know that you have a skill and you have character. For god sake you’re self-aware enough to the point you’re talking to yourself and writing things in third person in order solve your problems by being your own best friend and therapist. If that isn’t power, girl I don’t know what is. I don’t want to listen to you telling yourself that there is something inherently wrong with you socially because you didn’t fit in at your small college. I don’t want to hear it because you’re better than this. There are 8 billion people on this earth and even though you’re social distancing, I know you aren’t about to crawl into a rock for the rest of your life and not meet another person again. I'm super uncomfortable with saying all of this because I don’t feel like I can talk to people about this and because I'm currently going through a phase where I don’t think that I deserve to take up space. You deserve to take up space. You don’t have to be smart, beautiful, or funny or anything else in the matter. It’s ok to be vulnerable because your worth isn’t based on your positive and negative qualities. When we wrap out egos up like it, we set ourselves up to taking things personally and not looking at things in an objective way. We take things personally because something out there is either picking at an old wound or insecurity or it’s contradicting what you previously thought about yourself. You don’t have to prove yourself in anyway. You’re worthy just for existing.

I think the 9 stages focuses on the cognitive and emotional line of development while SD focuses more on moral, values, livelihoods etc. There are definitely correlations between 9 stages and SD because your morals, values, and livelihoods are affected by cognition and emotions. However, it is possible to be emotionally/ cognitively in one place but have your ideals and values to be in another depending on your circumstance. For instance the liberal kids in a high school may be nonconformist in a conformist way (the conformist stage in the 9 stages) while having values of equality (SD stage green) even though the conformist stage in the 9 stages correlates more with SD stage blue. That's what I got from it anyway.

I would say that blue would be most like the conformist. However, while there are correlations between the stages of ego development and spiral dynamics, I'd be careful with mixing them together because you can be in a higher stage in the spiral but have some hang ups in the lower stages of ego development. For example, you could be a green person in terms of values but you're emotionally stunted because you went through an abusive childhood which has caused you to want to seek safety in numbers by fitting in (conformist).

Dream Journal 9/10 I had a dream where I was a heart surgeon. It felt strangely natural even though in real life I'm horrible at science and I'm even worse with dealing with blood and people's physical insides. I just did what I needed to do all by myself and then the dream ended. Another dream I had was playing dodge ball in middle school. And for once I wasn't losing hahaha.

Overview I'm currently taking a course in college called Understanding the Self: East and West. This course discusses the nature of consciousness as it is understood through religion and psychology in a cross cultural perspective. My professor has spent 25 years studying consciousness and meditating regularly so I'm interested to see what his perspectives are and how he is going to present this material in an academic setting. I'm super excited about this class this semester and I'm dedicating an entire journal online for it since I find the subject matter pretty applicable to this forum. So far this is what I'm working with and what I'll discuss in this journal: I have a couple essays where I have to write about my perception of myself. The first is in the beginning of the semester and the last is at the end. I have some reading for this class so I'm probably going to write my reflections here about them I'm also going to be noting down any key insights or reactions I have during lecture My professor also recommended we start a habit of meditating and even decided to give us class time towards the middle of the semester to do so And I'm also supposed to be keeping a dream journal for talking about the subconscious mind in class discussions Lets see how this semester goes

Dream Journal Reflection Before creating my dream journal, I had some doubts. I thought I don't get dreams most of the time I go to sleep. But as soon as I set the intention, I did start seeing things, even though many of the events in my dreams are so incoherent that I can't really put it into words. Maybe its because I began noting it down as soon as I woke up? I know there is the notion that everyone dreams but most people forget within seconds of waking up. Maybe its the law of attraction at play because I actually tried to note down my dreams instead of forgetting about it like I normally do. This all reminds me of how my professor told our class "the subconscious mind is willing to tell you things if you bother to let it know that you're open to listening" when we were talking about the dream journals. I also noticed patterns in my dreams. A lot of the content has to do with things that I encountered in my daily life all mushed together in a setting that doesn't always make sense. And the things that my dreams choose are often (but not always) the least relevant part of my day. Yesterday I did watch a couple of pet videos on YouTube. I didn't watch it for long, maybe for max 5 minutes. I also mentioned my grandmother in a passing conversation and thought about her for a minute. I reminded my mom how we need to get a couple things from Walmart sometime in the last week. I read an article a couple weeks ago of how there are kids who don't have access to internet so because of online schools, they are parked outside of places like Starbucks. As far as getting to class, I think that was to serve as a cue to wake up and go to class. I took this nap right before one of my classes. The same things can be applied to my other dreams as well though it's difficult to draw the same conclusions since both the dreams and the innocuous details of my day to day life aren't as fresh in my memory. If there is anything I learned is that the subconscious mind is taking everything in even if you don't recall what is happening. The memory filters through that information and has you remember what is most crucial for your survival and your ego. Those are the ones that remain conscious. As far as repetition goes, if we encounter things time and time again, such as reading a chapter in a textbook multiple times, the mind interprets this as important. The rest of the information, the stuff that the mind takes in but we don't consciously recall goes to the subconscious which then sometimes resurfaces in dreams. Because we don't know what the subconscious mind will and won't take in, it's important to maintain healthy surroundings that send constructive messages of peace and love to have pleasant dreams rather than something dysfunctional because those things can in turn scare the shit out of us in our sleep.

How everything is form of love whether it is coming from an expansive place like the self/ consciousness or from a crude place like the ego/ survival.

I just watched contrapoint's new video and I like how she talks about justice at red and why it emerges and how that turns into a blue form of justice. She also takes into consideration of green forms of justice such as rehabilitation and why a lot of people can be opposed to that because of society's development. I found it really insightful and I thought I'd share it. Not sure whether it should go here or on the higher consciousness resources section. Cant wait for part 2.

Dream Journal 9/8 I was playing with three 3-week-old puppies. They were fluffy, adorable, and with only the intention to play. One kept jumping on me, on cuddled next to me, and one was running circles around me. My grandmother was there and for some reason was terrified of them even though they were completely harmless. I woke up from this pleasant dream wanting to go back to sleep so I could go back to that place. I took a nap later today. During this time I had a dream where I was at the Walmart parking lot. I have a class that I need to go to and for some reason I need to go to the Starbucks for wifi. The parking lot was packed. I began backing up my car and I see a car directly behind me appear out of nowhere. I would have hit it but for some reason that never happened. It physically didn't make sense. Then I went to the Starbucks. There was a lot of traffic and it took forever to get there. Normally it takes 10 minutes to get from the Walmart to the Starbucks but this trip took 40 minutes. I still made it in time so that was good. And then I woke up.