soos_mite_ah

Productivity as a Part of Trauma Normally the observation I have made is that the more trauma I release and the more I work on my mental health, the more productive I become. However, I'm also thinking of the possibility of it being the other way around where I have trauma related to productivity. I have touched on this before in my "Smart=Safety" post where I discuss how I avoided doing certain tasks because I associated it with being unsafe. I also touched on the concept of undisciplined discipline. I always saw trauma as something that prevented me from working hard but now I'm also trying to see how trauma was created from working hard So basically: trauma-> not working hard vs. working hard -> trauma I have talked a lot of the first scenario but in this post I'll be talking about the second. Here are some contributing factors to the second category. 1. Late capitalism: Yesterday I went on about a whole thing internally of being a souless cog in the machine. I also have trauma related to being put in a competitive environment growing up and I began equating my sense of self with how much I could produce, well in this case how much work I could do. I realized that this was toxic and I swung waaay too far in the other direction. I also find myself being hopeless about the future. It appears as if late capitalism has made us all into drones. There are the middle class to poor people struggling to make ends meet and have fulfilling lives because in order to support themselves they need to dedicate their lives to work. I've also been exposed to rich people who pursue status even if they are well to do and have the choice to pursue a life purpose because they have been fed the notion of "you are what you own, you are what you make, and you are you're job position." Apart from chasing materialism a lot of these people also make themselves work crazy long hours in jobs they don't like and then that leads to the manifestation of dysfunction elsewhere in their lives. Its similar to seeing how the patriarchy is destructive towards men. Sure men get the better end of the stick just like the rich get the better end of capitalism but both parties are still psychologically affected and hurt from the system that benefits them at face value. Sometimes I also fantasize about being a housewife and remove myself from this situation all together. However, I know how that story ends and how that puts a strain on a relationship because of added obligations. It simply isn't sustainable. Even my escapist fantasy doesn't check out. It feels like there is no escape. I want to be in a place where I can be free both from the worries of how I'm going to support myself but also free to be creative and do what I want. Which leads me to the fourth scenario, being self employed and pursuing a life purpose. That is also something that seems scary to me. 2. Being afraid of hard work There is a part of me that is ashamed of being afraid of hard work. After all society always says things about glorifying working yourself to the bone. There was a period of time where I did work myself to the bone and I got the consequences from that. I was terribly burnt out and my mind just checked out one day. This went on from February 2019 all the way to about June 2019. I did learn a lot about myself and I learned to stop defining myself according to what I produce. But that period was also traumatic now that I think about it. It's like I want to coddle myself to avoid ever ending up like that again. Also my grades tanked during this time and I still have nightmares regarding that to this day. I also see hard work as pure resistance. I know that isn't true if I actually think about it. For instance, when I'm doing something I care about such as journaling, I can write a long post and not get tired afterwards. It aligns with what I genuinely want to do, therefore removing resistance. I can watch a lot of videos on personal development in one sitting with my absolute attention and not get tired. If anything it refreshes me. What is considered work and play are relative terms. I'm sure there are people who have tried to journal like this and have tried to dedicate themselves to self development but they find it exhausting work instead. There is also this quote that I'm trying to take into consideration which is something along the lines of "you're going to suffer regardless so you need to find what is worth suffering for." This quote is about finding a higher sense of purpose that makes the resistance worth it. While I am willing to agree with that, I would also add the notion of finding what kind of suffering feels like your bliss. . . . I guess both of these ultimately comes down to appreciating orange instead of only focusing on it's negatives and combining it with healthy green ideals of connection and gentleness to soften the discipline so that it doesn't become undisciplined discipline.

I'm in this video and I don't like it (no but actually, this explains a lot of my anxiety pretty well)

Orange moving towards green after realizing consumerism isn't going to make them happy and that they'll have to open up their heart. I know this is just the trailer but I would recommend the documentary to anyone who is in a similar transition on the spiral atm.

I can already see the shift happening on a political level in the U.S. at least where most young people are for progressive politics and are concerned with mental health because of late capitalism. But this? I feel like this is next level. Can't wait to see what things are going to look like in general 50 years down the line.

About 5 years ago I decided to dedicate a considerable amount of time to self-improvement and raising the quality of my life internally. The time I dedicated to self-actualization was taken form time I could have spent doing something else. As a result, I didn't do as well in school as I probably could have and sometimes I wonder if I would be more successful if I took a more mainstream route. Some examples that articulate this are the following Instead of pushing myself super hard, I decided to take it a little easier in school so that I have time to contemplate and improve myself. I didn't think that getting caught up in a competitive, dog eat dog mindset would be healthy for me mentally or in terms of my success. I still wanted to take things and enjoy life instead of working myself to the bone at 15. I decided to take on activities that I genuinely enjoyed as opposed to what would make me successful in say college applications. Because of that, I suppose people wouldn't see me as "standing out as a leader" because of the types of activities I was focused in. I mainly focused on things that would make me happy and creative as opposed to something that didn't resonate and/or would have felt forced like debate (I just wasn't into it at the time). During college I immersed myself in therapy and self help work because I was dealing with serious trauma. My logic was that it's best if I dealt with this trauma early on instead of having the trauma sabotage me in the future. I limited the activities I took on in college and the amount of time I spent socializing. In other words I didn't see the typical college experience. My college experience was mainly me meditating and contemplating which were much more inward focused rather than doing things that were more outward focus such as socializing. Granted I ran into a handful of personal issues that I felt required me to take more time to myself instead of spread myself too thin, however, I could argue that most people who encounter something like this push through it any way and still focus their energy outwards and don't try to stop and be conscious of what's actually going on inside. At least from what i see, those people have more normal and successful lives but then again, I don't know these people and what's going on in their heads. This might be a case of the grass being greener on the other side. I've tried to hold my values and my desire for peace and authenticity over success. If I'm going to be honest, sometimes I don't know if I have made the right decision. Sometimes I look at people who haven't done this work and wonder if ignorance is bliss. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been more successful and fulfilled if I hadn't spent so much time contemplating and working on myself? Sometimes I also wonder if the work that I have done on myself will actually pay dividends and yield to even more success and fulfillment, may be not now, but down the line. What are yall's thoughts on this? Have yall experienced anything similar? Have yall had doubts on whether to continue self actualization in any part of the journey?

Limitations/ Excesses of the Stages (Green and Yellow) These are taken from Leo's Spiral Dynamics videos. I have put time stamps in which parts I'm noting down according to each corresponding video, meaning if there is a time stamp after a portion I noted in the stage green section, I'm referring to the time in the stage green video. Underneath each portion is how I am dealing with it and how I have dealt with it in my own life. Each bolded portion is the thing that I'm currently working on right now. Green (1:17:00 - 1:50:00) Green can lie to avoid hurting people's feelings instead of working on yourself (1:49:55) Can eliminate boundaries too much (no borders etc.) (1:45:34) Empathy can be exploited and manipulate and therefore become a door mat (1:45:12) Can be too trusting of red and can't help everyone (1:42:38) Not being able to distinguish between feminine and masculine compassion (1:30:15) I have dealt with these things by understanding the importance of boundary setting to protect your own needs and interests. I have also addressed a lot of codependency issues in my relationships and started validating my own needs Can romanticize stage purple too much (1:43:20) Too stuck in it's perspective of equality (1:41:33) Can deny differences too much (1:39:40) Sometimes Green wants to flatten hierarchies too much (1:27:37) Green can fall into the false equivalency trap (1:25:00) I have dealt with a lot of these problems by studying spiral dynamics in depth and through studying different cultures through a self development lens. Can be too entitled. The reason why a lot of people are green is because of the circumstances they grew up with (1:38:30) Naïve pacifism. Sometimes green loves peace and love so much they can't accept the harshness of the world (1:26:54) Green doesn't appreciate the necessity of the lower stages. (1:21:41) You need to meet the people where they're at not where you're at which is difficult for an idealistic person to do (1:24:25) I have also dealt with this set of issues by understanding spiral dynamics more. In addition to that I have tried to look into different cultures and people who may embody the earlier stages to evaluate how earlier coping mechanisms aid in survival. I have also done a version of this in my own self development journey to see how the earlier stages in the Cook Greuter model built upon where I am today. Sometimes a coping mechanism looks very dysfunctional and messed up from a higher perspective but when you're in that moment, that same coping mechanism feels necessary or something that is easier to fall into because of a lack of prior infrastructure. Naïve pacifism. Sometimes green loves peace and love so much they can't accept the harshness of the world (1:26:54) While I have dealt with this particular thing in the previous paragraph, I still find myself with issues regarding fully transcending this. I'm much better at dealing with this than a couple years ago but I will say that the issues in society still does pull at my heart strings and it does hurt. Caring too much can lead to burn out (1:32:27) Can be overzealous when it comes to social causes (1:32:53) Green can be reactionary (1:35:45) Green can get to easily offended and sensitive. People won't always play to your sensitivities and the world can be brutal. (1:17:23) Again, learning about spiral dynamics helped immensely. I also learned to set boundaries in regards to how much I'm going to care about social issues. I still have my views but I do limit the amount of news I intake to avoid stressing myself out. That isn't selfish because of an unwillingness to care. If anything, I think it can be constructive because not stressing yourself out can help you choose your own battles, be more efficient, and actually come up with solutions to help the situation. Green can be bad with finances, over regulate, and over tax (1:45:24) Can stifle independence and entrepreneurial spirt (1:36:00) Green can fail to appreciate the complexity of the economy (1:24:26) Green tends to demonize materialism (1:20:20) Majoring in business helped me realize that corporations aren't these all powerful, terrible entities that are trying to screw over everyone else. Nevertheless I do think that there needs to be regulations so that businesses don't get so self interested and in turn screw everyone over. My point is that there is more nuance than that. Also by studying economics, sociology, and international relations, I learned how simply throwing away capitalism won't solve our problems and instead we need to integrate and transcend capitalism by embracing it but also putting limits on to it. Previously I had this attitude of "fuck the billionaires" and "eat the rich" etc. For that, talking things out on this forum helped me as well particularly in this specific thread. Green guilt: failure to live up to equality and justice for all. This is a problem because guilt is not a good place to come up with solutions so it's best to release the guilt (1:35:59) Green doesn't appreciate the necessity of the lower stages. (1:21:41) You need to meet the people where they're at not where you're at which is difficult for an idealistic person to do (1:24:25) I dealt with this when I began understanding that there aren't bad people rather there is a bad system that incentivized bad behavior. I also began taking note of my own hypocrisy to dismantle how I feel holier than thou towards conservatives and how I feel guilty for not fully living up to ideals such as "there is no ethical consumption under capitalism." This understanding of bad systems instead of bad people helped me get over demonizing the lower stages as well. It goes to the yellow idea that mankind's problems isn't anyone's fault rather it is how we are moving in our path to development. Green can be too idealistic and full of heart. It lacks the ability to act out on a plan because of a lack of strategy. Sharing feelings and creating a dialog doesn't solve the problem (1:17:58). I had a sociology professor that taught about the sociology of social movements and she really drilled in the notion of how "raising awareness" isn't going to change the system and solve problems. I think she is right in a certain extent but I also believe creating a dialog can set the foundation for coming up with solutions because if you have enough people aware about a situation they will vote in a certain way which will make enacting solutions more efficient (awareness alone is curative). But yeah, creating dialog and sharing feelings alone isn't the end all be all to all of our problems that's for sure. Her class discussed this in a very in depth way and really helped me break free from this paradigm. Group think and mob mentality. Green can be ideological (1:18:48) I went to a seminar in my college where there was a conservative speaker talking about the mob mentality and the identity politics of liberals. It was eye opening and throughout that entire seminar, I began think of how Leo talks about how in debates each side points out the self deception in the other without recognizing that same self deception in themselves. Funny enough, this argument was intended to make people move towards being conservative but I think it made me a leftist in the sense of instead of being bogged down in issues such as representation and political correctness I just want to change the system as a whole so the later two will be fixed as a by product. Can be too entitled. The reason why a lot of people are green is because of the circumstances they grew up with (1:38:30) A lot of these things regarding addressing the issues with green have come from me educating myself more and me going to college. That's something that is incredibly important to take into consideration. Can love to talk about spirituality but be unable to embody it (1:37:02) I think this is something I am dealing with right now. I think it becomes much more of a problem when it comes to shifting to yellow which I will talk about in the next section with yellow. Yellow (1:38:00- 1:45:00) Yellow is still stuck in duality. There is no possibility for deep mysticism because yellow is too stuck in the thinking mind. As a result they can fall into the trap of confusing the map for the territory (1:38:27) I think I need to maybe experiment with psychedelics once I take care of my other issues. Also I have been trying to be more mindful of different areas of my life where I confuse the map for the territory. Recently I wrote out all of the classes I need to take and I looked at it and I was like "wow this won't be too hard, I just need to do x,y,and z" but I know that in the moment when I'm actually going to be in those classes, I'm likely going to be stressed out. I think this can be dealt with the whole concept of how awareness alone is curative. Yellow is not ready to escape the mind. They aren't ready to do that yet because they are still so fascinated with different models and concepts. Basically they can be unwilling to transcend models and concepts (1:38:56) Yeah that's right, I'm not ready to transcend the mind just yet. I acknowledge this but I also know that I need to pass through yellow until this becomes a limitation. In order to transcend yellow, I need to embody it first. While this is something that I have short comings in, I do realize that now is probably not the best time to deal with it. That's why I have italicized it instead of bolding it. Can get bogged down in complex analysis (1:39:53). Can develop an intellectual hubris of arrogance (1:39:58) I addressed some of this in my post "Conscious Unconsciousness" where I discuss my reasoning for integrating my inner basic bitch. I also think this form of the "i'M NOt LiKE oTheR giRls" attitude as it relates of consciousness can be detrimental because there is arrogance and ego involved. However, I'm still in the process of integrating all of this. I decided to copy and paste that specific portion of that post because I don't want to water it down: Can invent futuristic solutions that aren't pragmatic. Looks good on paper but can't actualize (1:40:18). Can't finish something because they have so many ideas and visions (1:40:34) I need to really commit to a life purpose and address my ADHD. That's a whole thing on it's own that I plan to work through once I get out of this depressing/ self loathing slump. Yellow tends to be a cold individualist and a loner which becomes a problem when it comes to actualizing something because they need a team to implement a vision. They become isolated and feel lonely and disconnected (1:41:10). Yellow has a difficulty in building a community/ becoming emotionally distant and forget to connect with people because they are too focused on models (1:41:29) I have become rather disconnected with other people during my college career where I have essentially immersed myself in models. I am meaning to address that when the pandemic is up and I have more opportunities to socialize. I think this sense of disconnection and loneliness is also causing me to question whether or not self actualization is even worth it since I don't have the best foundation in relationships and external signifiers of success. I think this thread explains that pretty well: All this understanding will not lead to happiness because happiness isn't found in the mind (1:42:19) I feel called out and I'm not sure how to handle this at this moment. But I am recognizing the problem more and more because of the way I'm frequently immersed in learning Lack of embodiment of the things they learn. This can be a problem in actualize the vision because you lack the selflessness/ discipline/ socialization skills to implement your solutions. This freaks out yellow because it means that they can't rely on their concepts to do everything for them (1:42:56). I think a lot of the problems I'm having with depression is coming from a lack of embodiment of the teaching I have absorbed previously. The only way out of this is through truly embodying what I have learned. Also the whole concept of yellow freaking out because they can't rely on concepts I feel draws a parallel on how I can't rely on being smart alone to evade life issues. That parallel makes me feel called out.

For a long time I held on to this notion of "being smart" as a part of my ego because it gave me a sense of stability growing up. Now as I am trying to dissolve the ego, I'm seeing how problematic it is. As a result, I feel like I'm in a very unstable place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm looking to find better forms of stability by cultivating conscious discipline by building consistent habits and by not wearing myself out too much by brow beating myself or being too harsh (because that's typically when discipline itself becomes undisciplined which turns you away from discipline as a whole, thus being counter productive). I guess now I'm looking for stability in discipline rather than ego and that discipline is going to be centered around gentleness, consistency, and intentionality. I want to know yalls thoughts. Is this a more constructive way of creating a sense of stability? How have yall cultivated stability in yalls lives? I'm trying to figure out whether I'm approaching this correctly, if there is anything I'm missing because my ego is blinding me in someway, or if there is anything else that I can look into?

I would say that it is concentrated at the top purple section so that I have a higher purpose/ values to guide me, incorporates about half of the green section in order to integrate self love, and the red section so that I can take care of my basic physiological needs. I suppose I feel this way because I have been neglecting the orange and the yellow parts in order to pour my energy towards the other sections.

The Hypocrisy of Self-Hatred Ok I'm going to expose myself real quick. Actually, I take that back. I'm going to expose the ugly voice in my head that isn't actually me rather it is the external messages I got conditioned with over the years.. I refuse to personally identify with it. I have internalized racism, elitism, fatphobia, misogyny and more. Sure I try to be informed about different issues, try to be aware of biases, both of my own and of the people around me, and I make sure that I don't project that type of treatment on to other people. BUT, I treat myself according to different standards. I am a giant hypocrite. Normally, we think hypocrisy as applying gentler standards for ourselves and being harsher with other people. I'd argue that you can do the opposite where you treat other people gently and treat yourself harshly. That is also hypocrisy because hypocrisy entails using a different set of standards for yourself compared to other people, regardless of which way it goes. The way I judge myself is unacceptable. It's often rooted in the bs that I was raised with or the bs that I was raised around. I wouldn't judge other people like that and treat them badly because I'm not an asshole, but nevertheless I judge myself that way. Hmm that doesn't make sense. Sounds like hypocrisy to me. And for me at least, sometimes recognizing that hypocrisy and that inconsistency makes me want to change it so that it's more consistent with what I actually think. In turn changing that inconsistency means that I have to change the horrible things i think of myself which in turn helps me be more loving to myself. It's important to be critical of the terrible things that are inside of us in the same way we are critical of the terrible people outside of us do. Simply put, if you wouldn't treat another person or someone you care about in that way without thinking that its demeaning, you best not be treating yourself like that. So here's to bullying the fugly voice in my head that tells me that I'm trash. Self hatred, beating yourself up for stuff, and treating yourself badly? Yeah, we don't do that here. I also made memes from Mean Girls to cope and illustrate what I'm going through lmao. Also, this whole experience is making me realize how much I don't FULLY embody everything I have learned and that is a separate existential crisis on its own.

That's a very personal question and it has a long answer. I'll just leave it at I grew up in an unhealthy family and that took a toll on me for years until I was absolute done with life and irritated by everyone all the time. Around 2016 or so, I remember thinking, "hey I spent more than half of my life stressed, anxious, and depressed why should I continue like this?" Then I turned to self help and self development as an alternative to ending it. Mind you in that year I still had a solid group of friends and good grades. As time went on and as I worked through my trauma, I stopped resonating with my friends. Nothing happened, I simply outgrew them. Next thing I know I was left without a solid group of people to fall back on. It was difficult initially and I did go through feelings of anxiety and disconnection from society but eventually I learned how to be more emotionally independent and stopped basing my worth and sense of stability on the relationships I had or lack there of. I still don't have a group of friends but I nevertheless feel connected to society as a whole and I don't feel lonely super often. That's not to say that I can't connect to people and that I won't ever make friends, I can certainly make friends but I am nevertheless at peace with solitude right now. I'm going to be honest, I don't know what more I can say at this moment. I already explained in a previous post how being smart felt like safety and why as well as what I mean by the ego. I don't know what exactly I'm missing. I need to contemplate that more because I'm not there, yet .

I wanted to give myself a couple days to think about this before I gave an answer. Normally, I would just journal about it and not share it but I'm including this in this thread so that if anyone stumbles upon it, they can find it helpful. To me, stability means that I'm going to be ok even in changing circumstances. Change itself doesn't freak me out and if anything, I consider myself open to it. Ok means that I will have the following: the means to pay the bills people who are uplifting to be around, decent career prospects independence a sense of progress good mental health Lately my grades have taken a dip and I have had to move back in with my parents because of the pandemic. I have put in parenthesis on which factors feel as though they are being threatened. The pandemic along with my grades have made me feel as if I'm going to be unemployed in the future (career prospects). That threatens my ability to support myself (paying the bills) and be independent from my parents (independence) in the future. Coming back home has taken a toll on me mentally (mental health) because of issues I have with my parents (people who are not uplifting) and feeling like I have regressed back to my childhood self thus causing this feeling of being stuck (threatens sense of progress). Also the ego backlash doesn't help either (mental health and sense of progress) I feel that before I used this notion of being smart as a way to fulfill these factors. If I'm smart I will be employed, I will gain my independence, I will find people who are good to be around, and I will make progress. But then my grades and the pandemic came in and showed me that there is no guarantees. Like @Preety_India said, thinking about the future for now is creating the sense of instability. Career prospects, paying the bills, and becoming independent are things that live for the most part in my future. They are not something that I'm currently encountering now so there is no need to put it in my forefront in my mind and start ruminating. Sense of progress can be resolved by recognizing that ego backlashes and stagnation can be part of the process of moving on up. As for being around uplifting people, I try to limit the amount of time I spend with my parents and call people occasionally. I guess going forward I can create a sense of independence and progress for myself through self discipline. I guess the factors that influence my sense of stability correspond with the following from Maslow's hierarchy of needs. @kag101 Thought I'd include this as well to show how I'm working things out again so that people can reference this as a potential example if they stumble upon this thread. Paying the bills: Basic needs Independence: Esteem Sense of Progress: Self Actualization Career prospects Basic needs (to support yourself) and Self Actualization (to pursue a life purpose) People who are uplifting to be around: Belongingness and love (I don't need to be surrounded by people per se but I need to be around people who don't suck the life out of me at the very least) Good mental health: has to do with all of them

I mean I think that perspective it's skewed if you hang around this forum a lot, if you take in a lot of self development content, or if you have a lot of friends doing similar types of work. Typical normies, at least from my experience, are just trying to get through the day and survive, not thrive or actualize. You don't have to be in a super low consciousness to be in that state.

It could be for a variety of reasons Self actualization work is difficult and scary. Most people don't like facing their inner demons and questioning their life. They just want to live in the moment and carry on doing what they are doing. Because this work is difficult and scary, it takes a lot of emotional labor and time. A lot of people don't have that type of energy so when they come back from their exhausting jobs, they plop down in front of the TV to get their mind off of it and relax. Some people don't understand how practical self help can be. I know growing up I was criticized for having my head in the clouds and being contemplative when I would question myself and my reality in order to figure out my values so that I can find out what I wanted to do with my life. People thought I was being too deep and wasting my time I could've used for other things such as studying, socializing, and partying. Some people are also not even conscious enough to realize what a gold mine self actualization can be and they aren't conscious of how they also need help. It's always the ones who needed the most that don't work on themselves. Sometimes when you give someone advice, they aren't in a place in their life to truely integrated it and become receptive to it. As a result they will brush you off. I had something similar happen to me once. One time I gave someone advice and then they looked like they had an existential crisis and because they were overwhelmed they shut out the piece of advice I had. And then there is just good ol classic self deception.

Coming Back Up I felt myself hit a low and I reached out to a friend. We talked for a solid 3 hours and I felt much better. This week has been going smoother because of it. I feel more centered and less biased towards negativity. I still feel this sense of heaviness inside myself but I think I'm ok. I know that a lot of that heaviness comes from a place of losing my sense of stability. I decided to post a question about it in the forum along with details regarding me trying to build more discipline as well as the shadow work I'm doing, specifically when it comes to how I like to identify with being smart because it makes me feel safe. That's what I really like about this forum. People are in a similar direction as me, even if our paths may differ. In the last couple months, I have found the advice here to be pretty helpful and I found them to help me expand my perspective by a ton. Here are some other threads that I started and found myself learning a lot from:

My parents are scared of me bringing back the coronavirus. They're both old and my dad is also immunocompromised. I probably should've specified that detail lmao

Yeah I see turning spirituality into a dogma as a problem as well. I guess for clarification, I'm using ego not so much of a transcendental enlightenment spiritual way but I guess more so in a practical self development way (I honestly don't know how else to phrase it). To me dissolving, or guess chipping way at the ego is a better way to put it, is like moving up the spiral or going up the cook greuter ego development stages because as you move up, you ego becomes less dense. I noticed that my ego would get really wrapped up around the notion of being smart and I was trying to unpack that. Funny thing is that I always saw myself as someone who is really open to change. I guess what this current state of backlash is showing me is that I'm only open to change as it still serves my survival agenda. I'm going to try to expand my openness to change going forward. I guess that's another good way to expand my sense of stability. The Maslow's hierarchy of needs I think is a good road map for people who are trying to create a solid foundation. Thank you for bringing that up

If you're open to ideas, you can also integrate a healthy form of skepticism. Healthy skepticism is being open to concepts and perspectives that expands upon or contradicts the idea that is being originally presented.

I did have a sense of stability because I felt that I had a network to fall back on so I didn't have to emotionally do everything on my own. This was about 4-5 years ago now. Back then, even though I had friends, I was still very depressed and suicidal even because of my circumstances at the time. I also recognize now that I was a little codependent on them at times but that's about it. I feel that comparing the possibility of me having friends now and me having friends then can muddy the waters considerably and misattribute factors because the number of things that are different now for me mentally. I thought I'd clarify that because or else it would be like comparing apples to oranges. But I will say that having supportive people did make me feel a little more secure because then at least when I would get emotionally overwhelmed, I could outsource some of the self soothing if that makes sense. I agree, there needs to be some type of foundation of a conventional life style to get your basic needs met so that you can build spirituality on top of it. I guess that is one of the reasons why I am hesitant to go ahead and transcend my need for stability. I feel like that would be me skipping 5 steps. Thought about it and planned it out. However, because I'm currently back home, my parents who are getting quite old are hesitant to let me get out there and start working for the fear that I might bring back something that might endanger them. So that fell through.

@Nivsch I'm currently at school I don't really have friends. I was meaning to put myself out there more after spring break at my college but then the pandemic happened and I never went back to campus. As far as family goes. I see and talk to them regularly since I currently moved back with them but I can't really talk to them about this type of stuff without getting yelled at or lectured. So no, I don't feel connected to my family and/or friends atm.

I have come across this concept numerous times. To me intellectually it makes sense but I have yet to emotionally integrate it. I'm not sure how to go about embodying it.

@Preety_India Yeah it did give me some insight. It is resonating with my current situation. Thank you so much

No, to me stability is being able to grow in my own terms instead of being pushed into a situation. Think about choosing to go on a meditation retreat to grow vs. being isolated for 10 days for some reason outside of your control. I noticed that I need to integrate more orange into my life and because I don't have a sense of structure internally. I used to rely on my environment to give me a structure (such as my school telling me what classes I have and when I need to be somewhere etc) but now that I'm in the house all the time because of the pandemic, it's like I lost that sense of structure. I mean growing up that's how I interpreted my "smart" label. It was a way for me to hold on to hope and predictability of the future. I agree, while it was useful for me growing up, it isn't something that is being super useful now. It has led me to procrastinate a ton. In regards to dissolving the ego, I have been doing shadow work for the last few months. One of the labels I'm trying to unpack is this label of being smart. Here is something I wrote about that recently in my journal for more context as to what I mean by unpacking this label: I guess I feel spiritually unstable because I'm not making as much progress towards expansion as I normally do. I feel like I'm regressing because of my current ego backlash. Definitely agree. That's why I posed this question to see if anyone can call me out on my bs. If anyone can I would greatly appreciate it.

@Preety_India Not as of right now. I'm going through an ego backlash state. School has been a dumpster fire lately and that is messing up my ability to be confident about my future and ability to thrive. It's a whole thing tbh. There is a lot that I'm unpacking.

Downward Spiral TW: Suicide Lately I have been struggling with suicidal ideation. I am constantly in a state where I don't feel stable or safe and sometimes I wonder if life is still worth living if this is my default. I don't have anyone to talk to which is why my entries are always as long as they are. I don't have anyone to share what I'm going through. It's always been one thing after another. Every time I get to a point where I can live my best life, something else hits me and completely blind sides me. Maybe this is the myopia of negativity. It's like that one Uncle Iroh quote that goes along the lines of "If you look for the light you will eventually find it but if you look for the dark, that's all you'll ever see." Academically, I understand everything that is going on in my classes. But when I sit down to actually do my work, I am completely lost. Idk what's happening to me. I can't help but feel that there is something wrong with my brain. After analyzing this, I think this is a case where the map is not the territory. I understand the theory and how it's supposed to play out but I fail at the implementation. You can't learn math by watching people doing math I guess. Another thing that is important to take into consideration is that it's October. 5 years ago I had a suicide attempt very close to my birthday and ever since then I get into this somewhat depressed mood. I'm already not in the most stable circumstance because it is 2020, the world and everything around me is in a very volatile place, so adding depression and academic issues to the mix makes things 100x worse. On top of that I'm pretty sure that there are some hormonal things going on. I haven't had my period in 3 months. I don't know what that's about but I wouldn't be surprised if it had a great impact on my mood inclinations. All of this is basically adding up to me wanting actually jump off a bridge because I feel super hopeless about life. I just want to return to the state of joy that I was in when I first started this journal.

More Things I Need to Integrate I realized that I am having issues regarding accepting my shortcomings and struggles. As a result I beat myself up for them and thus making the problem snowball to be bigger I often think that I'm in no point to be struggling academically. I'm not a STEM major. I'm not going to a prestigious university. There is someone who came to the same university as me from the safe high school and she is doing just fine. But I am struggling. And because I have been struggling for the last couple years, it's becoming harder and harder to not internalize this. Often times, it feels like no matter what I do, it's never enough. As a result, sometimes I feel like I'm not enough. I need to understand that regardless of what I'm majoring in and where I'm going, college is going to be hard. And that is ok. We are all getting exposed to new ideas and ways of doing things at a large amount and it takes time to integrate all of it. The reason why I feel so emotionally unsafe is because the notion of being "smart" isn't protecting me from failure. Smart makes me feel safe. It makes me feel as if I can find a solution and weasel myself out of any situation. I'm not any smarter or dumber based on where I am going to college or what I'm studying. Regardless of where I chose to go or what I chose to study I still will be challenged. And that isn't to say that all is hopeless and I'm bound to struggle. No. That is to say that being smart has nothing to do with this situation. You are smart, you are worthy, you are capable. There is no need to beat yourself up for assumption that you have no right to be upset. It's ok to not be doing well in college. This won't mean that you will be an absolute failure in life. Additionally, I can't compare myself to another person, no matter how similar they may seem. There are some type of differences that I may not be aware of. And it isn't inherent. We are all consciousness and that is the only thing that is constant. Our personalities, our fears, our egos, our way of doing things is a product of our experiences and what was and wasn't validated with survival. There has to be some type of difference in the factors this person and I have and it isn't some type of moral or absolute failing on my end. Everyone is different and everyone has different obstacles meaning if something works for one person, it doesn't mean it will work for another. Not getting the same results, the same success as another is not a failing. It means you just need to do something different. And that is ok. Another things I notice is how much judgements can backfire in the future. I remember that in high school I would judge people who couldn't academically get their shit together. They weren't blatant judgements on their worth. For example, it was more like "____ class is so easy, there is no reason as to why someone would have issues" or "you would have to be an idiot to make a mistake on ____." All of that is now being pointed towards me. It is true. What we judge about other is also what we judge in ourselves. This whole thing taught me to be humble because treating others well translates to treating yourself well and vice versa.