soos_mite_ah

COVID has sped up a lot of trends that were already taking place ranging from late capitalism, technological advancement with everything going digital, global poverty etc. If being sped up in that way isn't anxiety inducing idk what is lol

I would highly suggest checking out the book The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck. He has an entire section of that book dedicated to discipline. That's where I got most of my insights regarding this topic. He also talks about love and grace as well which also relates to the topic of discipline.

It's not an anime thing. My name is Susmita but I once had a teacher butcher it horribly and spent 20 minutes of class trying to say my name and failing every time. He kept pronouncing it soos_mite_ah and it was just really funny to deal with it I thought it was a stress thing. I got it checked at the gynocologist last week and they found out I had PCOS. Stress definitely makes it sooo much worse but it is a huge factor when it comes to managing PCOS along with diet and exercise since it is a horomonal issue. Thank you so much this means a lot to me. I'm sending you a hug right back because I'm a huge hugger irl

Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 5: A Need for Gentleness Ok..so this post is going to be choppy and all over the place. I have typed this out before but as soon as I was supposed to hit submit reply my whole entry got deleted because my computer was acting up I began realizing how critical my need for gentleness really was after my first group session at the psych ward. In that session, we basically went around and shared what our needs were. I CHOSE to go to the psych ward when I was given the option at the hospital to get help. I chose that with the intention that I was going to get help, that I was going to get someone to talk to who was going to understand and empathize with my situation. At the time, I didn't know the nature of the help I was going to receive in the psych ward. I had this huge need for gentleness and instead I got the opposite. I have said this previously in another post but I was looking for a place of healing and instead got thrown into a prison. That's why the situation was so jarring to me. It went against the very thing I needed in the moment. When I came back home, the issues I faced in the psych ward wasn't alleviated. My parents always had this tough love approach to parenting. It's the reason why I have been so reluctant to discipline. They were always harsh towards me. I know I have talked a lot about undisciplined discipline in previous posts so I will keep it short. Their discipline was so harsh to where I became turned off from discipline and as a result currently lack discipline in my life because I associate it with pain. And after the psych ward that tough love sentiment continued. I kept getting into fights with my father especially who tends to get really triggered when I express any type of negative emotion. His default go to is to start criticizing and start coming up with a solution and in turn begin preaching/ barking orders on what I need to do. It hasn't made my recovery easy. I have a hard time being gentle with myself because I never got that growing up. This isn't the first time that I was aware for my need for gentleness. It has manifested in other times as well. One of the big ways my need for gentleness manifests is my fantasies around having a relationship. When I think of being in a relationship, my mind goes towards a guy softly kissing my cheek and my hands, someone running his fingers through my hair, someone who will bring me flower and be a comforting ear when I am going through something. I want someone who will take things slow with me, who will respect my boundaries, and most of all who will be empathetic. This is embarrassing but I spend so many nights cuddling with a pillow pretending its another person. In other words, I want someone who is going to treat me like I am precious to him, as if I am dainty and soft. I don't want to constantly be told to be strong or to suck it up. I want to be vulnerable and have my vulnerability honored through the gentleness of someone who cares about me. I am not willing to go out and date right now. I'm in a lot of pain and I'm working through some real shit and as a result my judgement may very well be clouded. I have bigger things to worry about than my dating life at the moment, however, my cravings and my desires can give insight to what I truly need, therefore it is worth acknowledging them as data points. Another way my need for gentleness appears is my skincare routine. I've always been pretty rough with my skin physically because I have acne. I always thought that was the way to go. I thought that I needed the most powerful masks and the most stripping cleansers. I think in the long run this messed up my skin even more. I have been more interested in skin care as a way to take a break recently and I have as a result started taking a more gentle role with my skin care routine. And with in a matter of 2 weeks, my skin mostly cleared up. I have spent years being literally harsh on my skin so that my problem (aka acne) would go away only for it to go away quickly with a little bit of gentleness. It got me thinking how much easier dealing with my problems would be if I was just gentle with myself instead of resistant to life as a whole. I also noticed that the voice of self love is also really harsh. It can be characterized by Mean Girl's Regina George. I did make a post earlier on this journal on page 4 titled "The Hypocrisy of Self-Hatred" where I used my voice of self love to critique my negative thought patterns. There is nothing wrong with that and in fact I think that it can help me but I think it is significant that even my voice of self love is also rather critical. It goes to show how much gentleness I lack within myself. While this strategy can be helpful, ultimately its important to realize that you can't whip yourself into self love and self acceptance. But most interestingly my need for gentleness manifests in my voice. I have two voices. One is my regular voice. It's rather deep and I tend to use a lot of slang and occasionally curse. The other voice is softer, more high pitched, and very feminine. I tend to be super polite and formal when I use this voice. I call this my "white girl voice." My "white girl voice" makes me come off as innocent and harmless. I find myself using it when I am around someone I don't know or if I'm in a state of anxiety while I use my regular voice when I'm comfortable around someone. I was in a state of constant anxiety for the five days I was in the psych ward so as a result I was using my "white girl voice." There is one instance that I remember distinctly. Normally, in the psych ward, there are nurses who check up on you every 15 minutes in your room. Then at night, there are people who switch shifts. I remember as I was falling asleep, the nurses were in the middle of switching shifts. Thee day nurse was showing some papers to the night nurse and was showing him my room. He told this nurse "that's soos_mite_ah, she's such a sweet girl." I kept giving off an impression of sweetness to everyone there and I also managed to get out early from the psych ward. I told the people there something along the lines of how this feels to severe for my case and how I wanted to go home and because of how I said it and how polite I was, I believe they were open to listening to what I really wanted since I came off really harmless. I was actually harmless. I'm not a danger to myself or anyone else. But my voice further feeds into that narrative and that impression. This survival strategy started young. My parents always emphasized being polite and putting other people's needs before your own. They also never taught me to stand up for myself when I would get picked on at school. Their philosophy was very *turn the other cheek.* As a result, I grew up to be very demure. In middle school, because I was bullied through elementary school, I was scared of stepping on other people's toes in the fear of pissing someone off to where they would start picking on me again. That when I believe my "white girl voice" was born. And it worked. Most of the students who tended to pick on other kids left me alone. Instead of picking on me, they saw me as adorable. I wouldn't be surprised if my looks further fed into the harmless and adorable narrative. I was and still am short, a little chubby, with big bright eyes and cheeks that blushed easily when nervous. The general consensus was that "if someone wanted to hurt soos_mite_ah, there is something horribly wrong with you because hurting her is the equivalent of hurting a puppy." They also left me alone because I minded my business and didn't do anything to bother anyone. This strategy also worked throughout high school and people left me alone for similar reasons. There is one exception however. In one of my classes, there was a guy that continuously picked on me and said a lot of sexually explicit things toward me because I was seen as an easy target. However, even then, because I seemed adorable and helpless, there were girls and even guys who stood up for me to get this guy to leave me alone and then later on checked up on me. In other words, this voice helped me to avoid trouble and confrontation to where people treated me more gently than they otherwise would have. Finally, I think it's interesting that I refer to this voice as the "white girl voice." Sure on the surface it seems like the stereotypical voice of a white woman but if you think about it, most white women come with a variety of different voices and there are plenty of women of color who have the voice that I am talking about. Race is an independent variable. I characterize this voice as innocent sounding, soft, and feminine and it gives the impression of appearing harmless. I think that's significant because those are the characteristics that are associated with white women more so than women of color who are often painted as loud, unruly, masculine, and sometimes even threatening. As a result, white women are treated in a more gentle fashion by society as a whole. They can play the victim and play the white guilt card out of a variety situations even in cases of false accusations. Their pain is also taken more seriously by the medical system whereas with women of color, there is still this dangerous misconception of how we feel less pain. It's especially dangerous for black women who are more likely to have complications while giving birth because their pain and concerns during labor aren't taken seriously. And in a way as previously discussed, my "white girl voice" tries to give me more access to help so that my pain is taken more seriously and I am in turn treated with more gentleness instead of being written off as a threat.

Title really says it all. This especially goes for being emotionally gentle with yourself during self actualization, ego backlashes, and when you encounter obstacles.

Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 4: I am Here, I am Present Despite the shocking circumstance I have been placed in, I have tried to remain as present as possible. I found being present and in the moment a necessity especially given my anxiety, both about being in the psych ward and what I need to do after. Every time I caught my mind wandering into a spiral of what am I going to do about school, I tried to bring myself back to the present moment. There isn't anything that is school related I could do right at that moment. I didn't have access to any of my materials, a computer, internet, or means to contact my professors. There is no use in worrying about it right now. The only thing thinking about this will do is that it will take me away from the now and into a state of anxiety and helplessness. It's counterproductive and irresponsible when it comes to getting better to say the least. I also tried to journal about my thoughts and feelings during my time in the ward since it is a lot to process. A lot of the content of those entries have been summarized in the previous posts. While it is a lot to process and a lot of that processing can be dealt with by being present, after being in the psych ward for five days, I still needed time to let out all of my emotions regarding the situation. I feel that there is only so much you can process when your primary objective is to survive. Sometimes you get so caught up in surviving and saving your ass that you don't have enough time or energy to take everything in. And that's fine. After anything like this it's important to keep yourself in check and be gentle with yourself for a while. During that time I decided to meditate as much as possible and to note down any of my insights. I have explained some of them including my own shadow work and my evaluation of the mental health system I was dropped into. There will be more to come in future sections. This video does explain pretty well about how the place was like. While I didn't have the experience of being tied up and given medication against my will, it felt as if I was being punished for having issues rather than getting help. There is a lot of critiques that can be made in how we approach mental health and suicidal tendencies. It is definitely an over kill for a large chunk of the people who have a lot of issues with depression. In this video I believe she does say that after people get released from the psych ward, there is a period of about 3 months where that person is at more risk of suicide and self harm. Given my experience I can see how that can be the case. While I didn't have the urge to do anything reckless upon leaving, I felt really shaken up by the experience to where I decided to take time off of school. There is no way I can makeup 2 tests, 2 3 hour long discussions, and a term paper in a state like this. Again, it's a lot to process. Going off of the stats of how people feel for about 3 months after the visit, I think it is absolutely insane to be put in a facility for wanting to kill yourself only to want to kill yourself more after the stay!?!?!?! That makes for not only an ineffective system but a counterproductive one.

In defense of having a lot of criteria on looks over say personality, I think there might be a reason for it that is beyond aesthetic preferences (though that is still there). I feel that if you go too in depth of what you want in terms of personality with a potential date, there can be room for dishonesty and manipulation. A manipulative person will try to emulate the exact requirements in order to get what they want. Best case scenario, you get your time wasted because the person you're dating puts up a facade and you werent getting to know the real them. Worst case scenario, the facade works, you get attached, and get into a toxic or even abusive situation. Personally, I have been on a few dates where the guy I was on a date with ask me "hey what do you look for in a guy?" Granted I know that question isnt always loaded with malefic intentions, but I try to be careful if its someone I don't know very well. I usually answer that with something along the lines of "oh I want someone who is respectful, authentic, honest, and stable." It answers the question, expresses my values and what I look for, and most importantly it's still general enough to where there is room for interpretation so he cant simply transform himself into a caricature of what I like in order for him to get whatever he wants from me. A lot of the personality requirements for dating is not something you can write and put up as a requirement per se. It's something you need to talk to the person and figure out on your own. After all any one can sell themselves as for example "authentic" but there is a self bias that is involved at the very least if that makes sense.

Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 3: The Larger Systems at Play Like I said in the previous two posts, many of the people who were in this facility were dealing with things such as homelessness and hard drug addictions. I also had to deal with some of the judgements that came up for me as I was hanging around these people with these types of issues. One way I tried to curve the judgements was to see these problems in the context of a much larger system. While I do believe that therapy is an important step for rehabilitation, it became clear to me through a couple of group therapy sessions that coping mechanisms and positive thinking won't address the core issues and fundamental problems. Granted, this facility isn't designed for that. It's designed to calm people down and have the tools to deal with their problems until they get personalized help for whatever they are dealing with. However, by talking to the people there, it became clear to me that the issues that they were facing weren't something that is inherent to them or their fault. They aren't bad people for suffering because the system and the environment failed them. That's not to say they aren't responsible but it is always important to discern between responsibility and blame. They can look the same but they are quite the opposite. Responsibility empowers and gives one the free will to respond to the situation. Blaming and placing fault disempowers by introducing shame into the equation which then cripples one's ability to respond. Things like homelessness, lack of quality educational opportunities, low wages that greatly impact one's quality of life, health care, access to contraceptives, being born on the wrong side of town, all of these greatly impact the state of consciousness in each individual. It's silly to think that every single one of these people will be able to pull themselves up from the bootstraps and just get over it. I also watched the nurses and the people working there scrambling around trying to help others whether it be for providing care such as medication and therapy sessions, or dealing with administrative duties regarding contacting the patient's family, finding housing, notifying schools and work places. This place I feel was also underfunded because there were a handful of people who were pulled in waaaay too many directions to the point where it probably impacted the quality of care they are capable of providing. It goes to show how much money we don't invest in health care much less mental health care. Sure, this place is better than nothing and a lot of people still get the help they need, but it could be soooo much more efficient and so much more effective if they were given the chance. I understood all of this in theory but it was a different experience seeing them in practice. It's like the difference between looking at a painting closely to observe what brushstrokes were made to create a certain picture and doing the brushstrokes to recreate the painting yourself. Granted, even being in this environment was a limitation to me and my understanding because ultimately, I'm not living other people's lives, therefore I cannot understand completely. Hell, even if I was living their lives, things like lack of awareness and self deception would still cloud my ability to understand in full depth. There is so much we are unconscious of whether it be for ourselves, others, or the rest of the world. We would all be more effective, more efficient, and more healthy if we were given the chance. That goes for both systems and the individuals within those systems. Knowing all of these things can be daunting. Knowing how your issues aren't personal and how they are instead systemic and exemplary of a larger problem that is bigger than all of us can be overwhelming, paralyzing even. For many, it can instill a sense of hopelessness and helplessness which then in turn breeds a lack of action and a plethora of limiting beliefs. I felt a little bit of that upon these realizations. I tried my best to remain mindful and observe those thoughts and emotions. I am a believer of the law of attraction and I think it is a good way to shift your perspective in order to change your reality. But something that I noticed in some law of attraction communities is that it can sometimes dip into victim blaming and not acknowledging privilege. It's easy to not have limiting beliefs when not much is limiting you. It's easy to be high vibrational when your basic needs are being met and if you are in an environment that is conducive to consciousness. Our outer worlds shape our inner worlds and out inner worlds shape our outer worlds. There is no separation. And to make lasting change we need to intercept one of those realms to impact the other. Individually people can work on their own inner worlds but that isn't enough. For collective change you need to change the outer systems so that people can also have inner well being.

Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 2: Being the "Good Kid" In this part I will be discussing my experiences with the people I have come in contact during my time in the psych ward as well as my reaction towards them. The above paragraph from Part 1 provides a brief overview on the subject. I will go over the systemic issues I have observed in the next part. It was reasonable that the psych ward felt like the wrong place for me to get help for my issues. A lot of my issues weren't as serious as the ones most people had to end up in here. The things that I learned in group therapy felt like common sense since I have spent a lot of time doing self actualization work. That's not to say it's not valuable. The things that were being taught were very foundational, like basic self soothing an positive thinking in order to cope. Some of the things that were being taught are very important for people who are say in SD stage blue or red because they don't have a foundation at all. I remember we were talking about how to set boundaries and one woman straight up asked "what are boundaries?" and "what does it even mean to be vulnerable?" It wasn't in a deep metaphysical sense but in a practical basic understanding sense. I listened to where this woman was coming from. She encountered really bad abuse growing up, got pregnant when she was in high school, got into a series of emotionally abusive relationships, and had no education. She didn't have an idea about her self or the world. She didn't even know when election day was or who was even running. It made sense for her to be confused by these types of things given how her development was stunted and how she wasn't given much of a chance to recover outside of that. For her and many others in those situations, the basic fundamental coping mechanisms are important. For me, I'm in a different stage in my development therefore I'm bound to have different needs. Again, part of that discernment is reasonable. I'm in a different place in my journey meaning I will need different tools to help me out. But I also noticed that part of my discernment was also mixed in with judgement and ego. The judgmental side of all of this was the notion of "I'm not in the same situation as these people. I'm not some type of hot mess drug addict or criminal, I'm a student who is struggling." The voice inside my head that said this was saying it in a way that I'm some how better than these people. I'm no better than the drug addict who overdosed and ended up here. I'm no better than the inmate who is here on assault charges involuntarily. We all have one thing in common, self destruction. It might be in different degrees, but it is nevertheless there. Like shades of red, whether they be the deepest of burgundy or the faintest of pink, they fall under the same spectrum, the same gradation of red. We are all troubled. We simply found different ways to cope. Strangely enough, the facility reminded me of my high school. I went to a low income high school and there were also a handful of SD stage red people there. They mainly consisted of really loud people who came from destructive home environments. Typically they were characterized as the "bad kids, trouble makers, people with no futures who will end up in prison etc." A lot of the people at the ward reminded me of those people. My low income high school also was relatively strict and structured. We had the police there to break up any gangs, fights, and deal with any drug dealers. Because there were a lot people of color, the school was ran in a way that criminalized the students instead of getting them help but that's a whole nother topic that I will get into the next part. I, on the other hand, along with many other kids were labeled as the "good kids." The "good kids" typically got good grades, were obedient, and avoided trouble. However, from my experience, especially from the psych ward, sometimes the "good kids" could be just as troubled as the "bad kids." They simply found different ways to deal with their situations. Sometimes the "good kids" compensated for the abuse at home by getting good grades or by becoming really anxious and obedient while the "bad kids" who dealt with similar situations found different ways to cope with the abuse by acting out. Acting out gives the "bad kids" a clear indication that there is something wrong and that they need help. The "good kids" on the other hand, their problems get over looked because people assume that they are doing just fine because "hey look, they get good grades and aren't on their way to prison, they are bound to make a decent living in some way shape or form." Don't get me wrong, there are some "good kids" that are good because they come from conscious home environments and they get good grades and are obedient because they know better and had those good habits nurtured consistently from a young age. I'm not talking about those kids. I'm talking about the "good kids" that are just as troubled as the "bad kids" who never get any help because people assume that everything is all right because they are in line. I suppose given my judgements toward some of the people here is that I have a spiritual ego that I have built up from a young age dating back to when I was labeled as a "good kid." Because of that, I have a shadow where I don't want to acknowledge my unconscious tendencies and my aggression. I observed this shadow as I caught myself judging the unconsciousness and aggression in others. It's ok to acknowledge those feelings. They might be socially deemed as bad, but there is no such thing as evil. The suppression of those feeling are what them to act out in monstrous ways. That's how I ended up here. I didn't want to acknowledge the struggles I had when it came to my mental health until I had a break down. I didn't want to acknowledge my waning mental health because I based my self worth on my level of consciousness and my mental stability. To me, acknowledging the fact that I was struggling meant that I was becoming my old self, that I was back tracking, that I was being dragged into a previous dark stage of my life. That is very threatening because I derive a sense of hope and capability based on how I have progressed in my self actualization journey. As a result, I wasn't proactive with my mental health to where it got so bad that it demanded my attention. Part of being truly conscious is accepting, understanding, and being at peace with our own unconsciousness.

Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 1: How I Ended Up Here I haven't been doing good lately, Like, at all.. There is so much that I want to run through and discuss. It's super messy. So on October 28, I had an exam that I studied for really hard. I didn't do well. In fact I failed. I had a really bad anxiety attack. I was a mess for the entire day. My legs were numb and had this pins and needles feeling to them. That day was wasted and I didn't get any work done. I have two more exams that I need to study for in a couple of days. The next day I woke up with an anxiety attack. I was out of breath and my heart was pounding. Given what I have been through the day before, I decided to get medical help. This was getting out of hand. I ended up going to the hospital because I began having thoughts of hurting myself. They gave me a chance to calm down and then asked me if I wanted to go to a facility to get help or if I would be a danger to myself if I were to leave. I didn't think that I would be a danger to myself. Any thoughts I have for hurting myself is only ideation. But given I have exams the next day and that I haven't prepared at all meaning I'm very likely to fail and given how I reacted last time, I didn't trust myself. I told them that while I only have ideation, I want help. I need help. I need therapy. My anxiety is getting way out of hand. They sent me to a facility. This place resembled a prison more so than a place of healing. There wasn't a faucet. The windows were tinted and had this film around it so you couldn't touch the glass. There was a steel gray mirror that I guess is designed as such so people can't break it. There was no shower head. You couldn't bring your own toiletries I guess because sometimes they contain alcohol and it could feed someone's addictions or because you could poison yourself. I was allowed to have clothes but they cut any strings so there was no way to cut circulation. You had the option to get a journal to write your thoughts but you were only given crayons to write with as you could hurt yourself or someone with a pen or a pencil. As soon as I got to the facility, they made me take off my clothes down to my underwear. Nothing bad happened but it was to note down any scars, tattoos etc. It was part of their protocol. All of this was. I know they didn't intend on making this shady or anything. While I did understand that a lot of it has to do with not having any way to hurt yourself or others, it felt too much for my case. It was shocking and I felt as though I was treated more like a criminal rather than someone who needs to talk to a professional. The therapy there was entirely group therapy. It isn't what I'm used to but I'm willing to take whatever help I can get. It put a lot of things into perspective but I will say that I didn't help my particular case. Most people were talking about homelessness, teen pregnancy, and hardcore drug addictions. Meanwhile I'm here because I'm super anxious about school, the pandemic, and my capabilities. It did make me feel that I could get over my problems because in comparison my issues aren't nearly as bad but at the same time I did feel like I was in the wrong place. I don't need a smoke break or an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I need a therapist. This place had me shaken up and I communicated that with the people in charge. I told them I was afraid that this is going to make things worse for me emotionally because of my situation. The place felt like an over kill, as if I was being over prescribed a cure to where it became poisonous for me. As a result I was released after 5 days instead of 10-14. Nevertheless I did try to make the most of those 5 days. Because I had nothing to do here, I resorted to meditating, almost as if I was treating this place as a retreat. I also spent a lot of time journaling where I mainly wrote down my thoughts about this place as well as what got me here. I'll go on about that in the next posts. While I did get out of this place almost 2 weeks a go, I had a lot that I needed to take in. Over all I felt worse after coming out of this place. I was also set back when it came to school and I have made the decision to do a medical withdrawal because I don't think I'm in the place to focus on school right now. More on that later.

I tend to be pretty reserved around people and I'm not the type to sleep with someone immediately. I'm also assertive and good with keeping boundaries but at the same time I'm often soft spoken (not really argumentative, won't put up a fight, and would instead just leave if someone was disrespecting me). Generally I get along with most people. I don't get approached by guys often but after a conversation they get intimidated or turned off for whatever reason and just get away from me. It's either that or sometimes I'm the one rejecting tbh. Also, a large chunk of the guys that do approach me tend to be about 10 years older than me and once they find out I'm too young for them they back off (rightfully so) I'm 21 and I haven't had my first kiss yet, much less come close to being in a relationship. Maybe I have yet to get in a situation where I meet a guy we mutually like one another. Or maybe I don't put myself out there enough idk. Do guys in their early 20s not like shy girls

I came across this tween and I thought I'd post it here since it reminded me of this thread. I also wanted to say that I'm in a similar position of trying to integrate my orange shadow. I was planning on going into finance and I realized that this isn't what I wanted to do. The materialism and chase for status didn't compensate for the notion of working myself to the bone in an investment bank because of my green values. This has me scared to death about the future and I don't know whether I even want to take part in a system like this. Even if I don't work in finance, it's like I'm stuck and destined to be in this capitalist meat grinder, and that terrifies me. I know a couple other comments mentioned the life purpose course. I have taken it before and it was immensely helpful and I am planning on taking it again since I am a new person with new values compared to when I last took the test.

Phone-a-Friend I really wish my procrastination issues were as straight forward as simple time / energy management problems. I didn't realize I had so many blockages I needed to address. No wonder I had so much trouble with dealing with this for as long as I have been. This is much deeper and more fundamental of a problem than I could have ever imagined. On the other hand, today I had the opportunity to talk to a friend about all of this. My anxiety has been an all time high lately and it's been a lot. I talked through and addressed the ones that I have crossed out. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. The notion of smart=safe and anything that challenges that notionmakes me feel unstable Feelings around late capitalism coming of age anxiety The trauma I have experienced regarding hard work when it comes to burn out Learned Helplessness Being pushed too hard as a kid (undisciplined discipline) Associating the pain I felt from the abuse with school Using meditation and spirituality as avoidance of the now Normally after talking about things like this in therapy I feel much better. Lately I have tried doing that but for whatever reason it wasn't resonating like it normally did. With this friend, I felt that we were both in similar situations and we could relate to each other. With a therapist, I would basically have a sounding board to voice my problems and have a voice of reason reflect back to me. The later works like 90% of the time but I guess sometimes you really need a connection rather than a reflection. Sometimes you need a friend, not a therapist. I feel like I get a 50-50 deal on connection/reflection on this forum because on one hand people are sharing their experiences and giving advice but on the other hand you can only connect so much online. I know some people can make internet friends easily but honestly, I need face to face communication, especially when we are still building a relationship. Later on it's find if we do everything online or on the phone but it's like it can't just start there. She also opened up a lot about the stuff she was going through. Hell I would say that the conversation today was mainly about her. Normally, I would feel invalidated and unheard in this situation where I called specifically to talk about my own issues only to have someone unleash their issues onto me, but this was different. She isn't normally like this and she had a lot going on. It was also related to what I was dealing with too. Taking those things into consideration, I would say that in a way her talking about her problems helped me. It helped me step out of my own paradigm and analyze her situation as well as my own in a more neutral way. It also made me feel like I could open up more because now vulnerability wasn't this one way street where I feel awkward for emotionally opening up. Over all I am so appreciative of her opening up with me and sharing what was going on.

Not shy for me is when you aren't afraid to put yourself out there and make the first move. I'm going to be honest, I'm not exactly the most outwardly confident person even thought I do have a lot of self respect.

I have went ahead an crossed out the things I have addressed and worked through so far. Here are the things that are left over and my assessment of why that is so. Imposter syndrome especially in school/ career Discuss this in therapy during end of this semester since your issues regarding imposter syndrome are usually the strongest/ most relevant during that time School/ Learning Build my resume and start applying to jobs/ internships / gain work experience and credentials Getting straight A's in school with all 19 credit hours this semester Desired end result: Get rid of manifestation blockages that have to do with my career Create more self-confidence so that I can go after what I want Work towards being a more independent adult financially/ logistically (moving, living on my own, supporting myself, cutting off family etc.) Have a more integrated orange since I have a few hang ups in that stage and tend to rely on green coping mechanisms too heavily Habits I need to build/ solidify (outer world) Defeating procrastination (being on top of school work, staying at least 2 weeks ahead of course schedule) Waking up at 5 am Working out regularly (at least 3x a week if not every day)' All of these have to do with my deal with procrastination. My procrastination issues aren't just due to simple "lack of discipline" or "lack of time management." There is trauma involved that makes me want to anxiously avoid certain tasks and ways of doing things. I have made a short bullet pointed list of the things I need to address going forward in the previous post because in order to build discipline I need to address the blockages that is stopping me from being disciplined.

Reasons Why I Procrastinate So I'm basically going to have a bullet pointed list of why I procrastinate on school work that summarizes some of the key takeaways from my previous posts. This is basically a TLDR for myself because sometimes it's easier to integrate something if it is simply laid out there. The notion of smart=safe and anything that challenges that notion makes me feel unstable Feelings around late capitalism coming of age anxiety The trauma I have experienced regarding hard work when it comes to burn out Learned Helplessness Being pushed too hard as a kid (undisciplined discipline) Associating the pain I felt from the abuse with school Using meditation and spirituality as avoidance of the now The problem with all of this is that I intellectually understand the mechanisms of each item on this list but I'm still failing to emotionally grow and fully integrate those lessons.

I think this is a really good livestream to see how politics evolves through the spiral. Natalie and Vaush both talked about the moralizing of the left and how that limits the lefist movement and how there are parallels with stage blue evangelicals. I honestly think it's better to watch the livestream because they are articulating it much better than I can. The whole thing is gold but the portion between 1:20:00 to 1:45:00 is especially insightful. I also noted down some key takeaways that I thought was important. They also start talking about how the left unlike the evangelicals idealize revolution rather than actually believe in it and the left isnt willing to vote for their candidates because they want to maintain the aesthetic of being moral over voting for the lesser of two evils unlike the radical right who are willing to go along with their candidates because of their interests. This discrepancy is something that they didn't know how to address but I think it comes down to consciousness and spiral development when it comes to green vs blue extremism. Blue extremists are willing to blindly follow and idealize their leaders and see them as some type of god while green extremists have a desire to stick to their values no matter what even if it is at risk of their own interests systemically. I really with there was more discussion on consciousness when it comes to politics. It would explain sooooo many things. Also earlier in the live stream they discuss on how fascism is self destructive. I think from the spiral perspective it makes sense because facism takes red/blue to its pinnacle to where you HAVE to move forward because the stage collapses on itself. They also discuss how racism is the biggest issue / road block to progress as opposed to capitalism and that we have to deal with that first before moving on. In other words, fully deal with blue problems before orange problems. Finally in the live stream they talk about how democratic socialism (green governance) isn't the end of history and human evolution but it is necessary to get to that stage first before we start critiquing it and coming up with new models that essentially transcend it.

I mean I think it comes down to time and integration. I have a similar thing where intellectually something makes sense but it takes me a minute for it to emotionally make sense. Intellectually understanding a teaching is the surface. Embodying the teaching emotionally involves depth, and depth takes time. Patience is huge here. Judging yourself that you "should not feel" isn't going to help embodying a concept because it puts you in a position of resistance rather than acceptance. And speaking of resistance, accepting the resistance instead of judging it loves the resistance to death. Resistance isn't a bad thing, it can show where your blocks are so you can address them and move more into a state of flow. Basically be gentle and patient with yourself. What you're experiencing is perfectly normal.

I think I remember seeing a piece of advice where if you're trying to get to know a guy on a date, it's best to lead with warmth rather than your accomplishments. That's not to say you hide your accomplishments not at all. If a guy is turned off by that, that's a red flag and you need to go. But that's to say that people want to connect to other people and their personalities, not their resume. Leading with a resume can also potentially set up a competitive dynamic between two people rather than a dynamic to build a relationship.

I did have this problem growing up. I started embracing my feminine side more and being comfortable with that and I basically went from absolutely no approaches to a few here and there. And even if people don't approach and create a conversation I have noticed a little more staring and people being extra nice to me lmao. I agree that you don't have to look like a slut. For me personally, I've had it drilled into me since I was 13 that I have to cover up because I have a more "womanly appearance" and that caused me to tend to dress older in a way. I have gotten better over the years and actually learned how to dress instead of going straight to mens section which I had a tendency to do in my early teens. Especially when I was living with my parents in high school, if I wore anything that showed the slightest amount of cleavage or leg or a hit of a curve (which is difficult to do because of the way I'm built), my mom would get onto me so I basically spent those years essentially wearing a turtle neck. I have also gotten better with that after leaving my parent's house. I am more comfortable with my body and I don't sexualize it immediately but I will say that I still have a tendency to wear more conservative clothes mainly because those are in my comfort zone more due to familiarity. Like if I am presented with a V-neck shirt, I will think twice before going out like that because I feel like my boobs will just be out.

I can see myself in this situation as well actually. During my teens I didn't bother trying to date. I knew I came from a very chaotic family. I told myself that before dating that I was going to put myself in therapy and work on myself so that I don't enter in a bad relationship because of unresolved trauma or that I don't end up ruining someone's life because I didn't address my problems and projected toxicity onto them. I started my self help journey at 15 to work on my childhood issues and when I got to college I started therapy because I finally had the resources and I have moved out. Also during college I got more invested in my academics since I thought *hey i need to take care of that first and get my career together* over dating. I will be honest, I have never made dating much of a priority. I always had this attitude of *if it happens it happens if it doesn't that's fine too* For me I wouldn't say that I have an obsession on being the best but I have been in the mood to get my life all the way together before jumping into a relationship. Meaning I have been prioritizing being emotionally/ mentally rock solid, financially/ career wise being solid etc. But even then I don't see a lot of people approaching me. Not saying prioritizing those things is bad, if anything I encourage it because it helps you build a solid self-esteem and sense of security so you don't fall for someone who is potentially toxic. I don't regret it one bit. But openness is a HUGE factor. And I can see myself neglecting that to a certain extent. Thank you so much for sharing.

I would say little or average anxiety. I have been doing some shadow work to address that along with some of my limiting beliefs I can handle most daily life situations with no problem and have a normal or great conversation with people. Ehhh... no not really. I can do it if it's something simple as making an announcement but when it comes to giving a speech or a presentation I do tend to talk fast and tense up. Yes it can. I can have a bit of a stutter at times since I feel like my mind goes much faster than the words I'm trying to say (also anxiety). I can see how that can make me seem overly excitable and all over the place at times. I've been trying to be more mindful of that. But I think it's one of those things that I tend to notice more in myself. I tried to talk in video once to see what I'm like and it isn't super noticeable or common.

I'm usually not the first to approach regardless if it's in the context of a relationship or a friendship. I can be super bubbly in one on one situations but as soon as there is more than idk 4 people in a group, I tend to take a more of an observer type role.

That makes sense. I tried that before and I'm open to a different perspective. I'm going to write down what I've been told just for the sake of this thread. I've been told that the reason why I don't attract that many guys is because shyness can look like unpredictability. There is more mystery and some guys tend to look at that and get freaked out. Another thing is that if you're shy but not a doormat, fuckboys will be hesitant to approach you because you look too conservative to sleep with them right away and because you can stand up for yourself/ establish boundaries that means they cant manipulate you as easily. So that cuts away at a large chunk of guys and then it comes down to a quality > quantity type of situation.

Yeah I do have a resting bitch face. Wouldnt be surprised if that was a contributing factor. There may be a point there. While I dont consider myself giving off a maternal vibe in the slightest, I do have a tendency to dress rather conservatively. It's a coping mechanism since I have a body type that gets sexualized really easily. Like one wrong move and I'll have a bunch of people staring at me because I look like I'm about to sit on the casting couch ? I guess dressing conservatively and against trends can make me come across as older, sometimes more intimidating, and give me a mom vibe rather than something sexy.