soos_mite_ah

Experience! (or in some cases, lack thereof) I feel that in my 21 years, I have a lack of normal life experiences that a 21 year old would have. Sometimes I feel self conscious over how I haven't had my first kiss yet, or a real relationship, how I didn't hang out with my friends much while I was in school because of my parents, how I didn't make friends in college because of my circumstances and the pandemic, how I didn't get to go out and party etc. I'm afraid that I lack the social aptitude of someone my age because of these lack of experiences. I'm sometimes afraid that I'm this weird kid amongst people my age. But I will say that I do have a different set of experiences. Those experiences often make me feel as if the trauma aged me and my world view because I had to take a lot of responsibility and learn about emotional maturity at a young age. While I lack the normal life experiences of a 21 year old, I feel that I have a lot of experience in trauma and hardship. It has built a lot of character for me both in the experience of the trauma but most importantly the healing of it. Growing up, my parents were super strict and often so as a result I wasn't able to have a super care free childhood. As a teenager, I was busy with school and self help work which mainly consisted of coping the trauma I got from my parents. I thought, hey maybe when I get to college, I'll be able to live like a normal college student. Well, that didn't happen. I spent my freshman year picking up the pieces and healing from trauma. I didn't have time to go out and make friends, party, etc. that is normal for a 18 year old at the time. I thought, hey that was one year, I have three years of college, everything is going to be ok. Sophomore year went by and things were getting better. I was doing amazing, better than ever. I finally closed this chapter in my life. But then the pandemic happened. And that will come with it's own issues to heal from. I'm really going through something right now in terms of giving up school for a semester. I feel so behind. I was supposed to graduate in 2022 but now I will be in 2023. A lot of the people I graduated with graduated this year. They graduated 2 years early. In a way I'm thankful that I'll be graduating later because of this whole pandemic and what it's doing to the economy. I'm also worried about my lack of job experience. I wasn't able to secure an internship this summer because of the pandemic or summer 2019 because of some health issues. I'm scared of graduating and not being able to support myself or getting stuck in a terrible job with no benefits where I'm essentially the capitalist equivalent of a medieval serf. I also have this friend who is engaged (she and the guy are young but they have a super healthy relationship so I'm not worried at all) this year and graduated college this semester. I went to high school and college with her. She has so many of these I guess normal life experiences. She has friends, was able to travel, did amazing in college etc. She did have bits and pieces where she had issues, I mean it's not like her life was perfect, but she has come through them in such a functional way. She always just had her life together. It's like even if she did have issues, she is so effortlessly ahead of me in terms of life and mental stability. I will admit, I am jealous. I know that I can't compare apples to oranges and that my life circumstances is very different but I guess because we grew up together in the same town, went to the same high school, and have similar socioeconomic backgrounds, I do fall into a trap of comparing myself to her. I know life isn't a race. I know that I will do things in my own time table. I don't even want to get married or settle down before I'm 30. I know that it's better if I graduate later than 2020 because of these circumstances. But I feel so behind. I feel like I'm wasting my youth. Because I have been cooped up in the house for almost a year, I'm getting this feeling of restlessness where I just want to go out and do stuff. To. Live. I feel this need to make up for lost time. I spent so much time doing inner work and quite frankly, I'm exhausted. Since I'm still stuck in the house, I guess for now I'm just going to avoid social media so that I'm not triggered by FOMO. I often catch myself thinking, when will my life begin. And then one time I stopped myself and was like, well, I'm living now aren't I? Why should I put a narrow standard of what consists of living. There are a lot of a lot of people with normal non traumatic life experiences feel that their lives have zoomed by them because they weren't being conscious and present in their circumstances. As long as I'm present, conscious and I take each moment in with all of it's intricacies, I'm living to my fullest.

12/10/2020 Food Diary Brunch: 2 slices of gluten free bread with avocados, olive oil, and balsamic vinegar along with one egg: I wasn't hungry for breakfast but I was getting hungry towards lunch time and I didn't feel like waiting so I had brunch. The avocado I used was fairly big and the fat content of the avocado really satiated me for a while until dinner. I find that to be a common effect of a lot of high healthy fats in one meal. Dinner: Cauliflower fried rice with onions, bell peppers, and grilled shrimp: This was really satisfying. I find that I actually like cauliflower rice more than regular rice. I also haven't had grilled shrimp in a long time so that was really nice. Taboule Salad: Has parsley, tomatoes, olive oil, a sprinkle of bulgur (cracked wheat), onions, lemon juice, sea salt. I also like to add a little bit of ranch as well. I bought this salad ready made in the super market. The ingredients I listed out where all that was present in the salad so there weren't any other additives and weird stuff. I have tried to make this at home before and it didn't come out the same so I bought it from the store. I know this has some traces of wheat on it but it isn't so much to create a problem for me and irritate my stomach. Snack: One slice of French bread with cashew milk cream cheese to curve the cravings:

Picking at Wounds I have been trying to be more gentle with my skin as far as my skincare routine goes. So far it has been helping my acne, much more so than when I used to be rough with it. I used to us a lot of cleansers with harsh chemicals and fragrances and used physical exfoliants hoping to scrub my acne off of my face. I recently started watching a lot of skin care YouTube videos and I learned that this isn't what you're supposed to do so I went and bought products that would actually help my skin. Nevertheless, I still have the bad habit of picking at my acne and the scabs. It isn't uncommon to treat acne roughly but ideally they should be treated like small wounds. Wounds take time to heal and there needs to be gentleness and patience. Acne is like a wound especially when there is blood involved and resembles a cut. And picking at wounds, though it may feel like it's helping because it can give you a smoother surface, does more harm than good in the sense that it lengthens healing time and makes a mess. I feel that I also do this on a psychological level as well. I pick at my own wounds emotionally. I want to have this laser focus on whatever is bothering me until I fully deal with it. I want to be fully present with every difficult emotion and feel the absolute depth of those emotions. And while that does help me deal with a situation and take responsibility, it also takes a toll on me. It can lead to rumination or getting lost in a bad feeling, both of which is not conducive to healing. Sometimes, my approach to healing is too harsh. Sometimes I need to be gentle and take things one piece at a time instead of rushing through the healing process. I feel that I want to rush through this process because I'm tired of feeling this way. I want to get better and I want to get better NOW. But as cliché as it is, what you resist persists and slow and steady wins the race. Being gentle involves being patient. The Zoloft has been helping me in this regard. It stopped me from going into regular spirals and has this emotional blunting effect. I was concerned about this before because I thought that it would affect my awareness towards my more subtle feelings but for me at least, this medication toned down my super intense emotions. I'm still aware of those emotions but I deal with them in a more gentle pace instead of all at once. In a way, I feel like I'm getting a break from my own mind. And for me, I believe it is much needed because again, I tend to have this laser focus on whatever is bothering me meaning I'm not usually the one to take breaks on my self actualization work. But hopefully, I won't be on this medication for a super long time. I don't want to develop a dependence.

12/9/2020 Food Diary Breakfast: 1 slice of gluten free bread with avocados: I typically don't eat breakfast but if I find myself feeling a little hungry this is usually my go to. I normally would have an egg with this but I wasn't feeling it today. Lunch: Zucchini noodles: Because I have PCOS and I'm trying to go gluten free, I decided to try making zucchini noodles instead of the regular noodles I used to eat. These zucchini noodles are accompanied by broccoli, shredded carrots, onions, garlic, mushrooms, and bell peppers. I sautéed them in olive oil and added red pepper powder as well as some salt. Snack: Peanut butter and a banana: I'm not a very big fruit person but my family always has bananas in the house. I'm trying to avoid fruit because I saw something about it messing with your blood sugar and that isn't good if you have insulin resistant PCOS. I don't know what kind of PCOS I have but just to be safe I try to avoid fruits since it isn't that hard for me to do. But I had a bananas anyway since it was available. One banana isn't that big of a deal and I enjoy the little bit of sweetness in my diet. Dinner: Salmon: Wild caught salmon cooked in olive oil with garlic, Italian seasoning, red pepper powder, turmeric, onion powder, garlic powder, and parsley. I also include onions and bell peppers when making this salmon. I love fish and I tend to make salmon in bulk once a week. Salad: olives, spinach, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, black beans with a drizzling of balsamic vinegar, a small amount of olive oil, and a little bit of Italian seasoning. The Italian seasoning blend consisted of rosemary, sage, and oregano. Snack: One slice of French bread with cashew milk cream cheese: I'm doing this thing each night to eat one small slice of French bread with some cheese to curb my cravings. I'm pretty lenient with this whole PCOS thing because I don't think it's a good idea to get all dogmatic around food and start shaming if you don't follow a diet exactly. It isn't sustainable and can lead to a disordered relationship with food. While this does have gluten, I'm doing this so I can slowly let go of the French bread from my regular diet instead of just going cold turkey. Going cold turkey can lead to binging later on instead of changing your life style. And plus I love French bread so I don't think a deprivation mindset will work for me that well. As for the cream cheese, I bought this cream cheese today that is made of cashew milk. It tastes like regular plain cream cheese but it's a little more stronger in taste which I like. I'm going to make the switch to this particular cream cheese because it is dairy, soy, and gluten free. A glass of decaffeinated green tea: I was in the mood to wind down a little bit and I thought "hey I haven't had green tea in a while" so I went ahead and made myself some. Plus I had a little bit of a cough so I thought something warm would feel nice. I didn't add anything to the green tea.

@Preety_India I think if the label says "grass fed and pasteurized." I just took notes over whatever was in Leo's video. I'm using it as a starting point instead of all of my sources.

That's the consequence of still being in your formative years before you fully step into adulthood and support yourself financially, emotionally etc. Someone who is in their formative years needs to go through that process instead of skipping steps. Sucking the youth out of them so to say can stunt their growth and make them not integrate everything they need to learn when they are young because of dependence. In addition to dependence, they might act out more in the future because they weren't able to be young when it was appropriate.

I don't think your sister has bad judgement. But I will say this. For women, it's very easy to make a mistake like this. We are always told that girls mature faster than boys and to some extent it is true because of the way women are socialized and how they are held accountable for their actions while people write of boys actions as "boys will be boys" instead of holding them accountable. Then, when a more mature, put together, older man comes along, it isn't unusual to be attracted to that because compared to boys your age, this guy is 10x better. However, this mindset over looks the most likely possibility that this guy probably can't compete with women his age because those women smell some type of bullshit that a younger woman may not have. Again this isn't to say anything against your sister. If anything, I wouldn't be surprised if she is mature and has good judgement if she does choose a guy who is mature in relative terms. But this is a very difficult trap to avoid. If there is anyone's judgement I would distrust, is the guy's. He is 37 years old and a teacher. He should know better, be aware of the consequences of a power dynamic, and know how weird it is (which I'm sure he has an inkling of since he lied about his age). And as someone who knows better and has more power, he should be the one to put his foot down and say no. This isn't about discriminating your sister against her age and lack of experience. It is taking into account the very real consequences that could come from an unbalanced power dynamic and relationship.

I went ahead and watch Leo's video on how to shop for healthy food last night and I took some general notes. The stuff in black that I crossed out are things that are already absent from my regular diet. The stuff that I crossed out in red are things that I'm working on cutting out as of recently. The stuff in blue are stuff that I still currently eat. ***Side note for when it comes to wheat: I have been cutting out a lot of grains in my diet. I found out that I am gluten in tolerant and that PCOS also tends to be irritated by gluten in a lot of cases. I haven't fully cut wheat out but this is a start for me. I'm currently working on transitioning to gluten, dairy free, and soy free for my PCOS. I have never ate a lot of meat growing up other than chicken. Red meat wasn't ever a thing in my house because my parents are Hindu and don't eat beef. I'm trying to go into cutting meat out more and resorting to seafood mainly. Things to avoid ***Wheat Corn Sugar Soy Dairy Artificial Chemicals Never buy again: Dairy I don't care much for dairy but I love cheese. I have mitigated my cheese cravings for the last few months but I will say that it is a part of my diet. I'm considering on switching to vegan cheese so on the occasion that I do have cheese, it's a healthier alternative. All chips This isn't so much of a problem. I sometimes have it around the house as something to munch on but it isn't a huge thing. Frozen deserts Ice cream is my other weakness. I'm thinking of quitting this because I recently noticed how badly I break out. No bread of any kind ***All wheat containing products Ok this and cutting out bread is a huge thing for me. I'll probably tackle this later All pre-made salad dressings Ketchup, sauces Both this and the salad dressing thing is really a matter of convenience but I guess I could be more mindful when shopping no milk chocolate THIS IS A HUGE WEAKNESS OF MINE Corn-Fed meat Corn-fed eggs This and the meat is out of my budget at the moment. Sugar Again, like the bread thing, this is huge so I'll tackle this later. Atlantic salmon & Tuna -> Go for wild fish I recently made the switch it was relatively easy Soy I switched the soy milk for almond milk and it wasn't that big of a deal. I also have soy sauce every now and then but it isn't a problem. It isn't in my house. Soda Avoid Candy Pasteurized fruit juice (cooked at high heat) Corn products No pre-made meals (also no frozen meals) Salamis, Hams, Bacon etc. No canned & processed meats Store made sandwiches, wraps, pasta-salads Dried soups & Dried noodles Whey protein Protein bars & shakes Avoid Canola oil, palm oil, Safflower Oil I never had 14-25 in my house ever growing up Avoid coffee & alcohol Hated the taste of both of these. I only drink a couple coffees during finals week which is 2x a year for me. Butter Substitutes Switched to avocados on toast a long time ago because it tastes better Artificial Sweeteners Don't care for it. Don't have anything to add sweetener to. How to shop Ignore the calories or fat, ONLY look at the list of ingredients (I try not to obsess over calories or fat because I know that mentally takes a toll on me and can get obsessive) How many ingredients are there? Choose stuff with 5 or less and that they are natural (I think 5 is an arbitrary number but yeah natural ingredients over anything. I think the next 4 points is the same thing but in more detail) Avoid all hydrogenated oils Avoid sugar and corn syrup Avoid boxed and processed food, cans should be limited Avoid complex preservatives & coloring agents Avoid cheap meat & eggs Look for stuff that's as close to alive as possible As plant based as possible As pigmented as possible As organic as possible Least cooked as possible (nothing wrong with things that are cooked IMO) Single ingredient as possible (I guess this just has to do with buying things fresh) Reliable labels (already pay attention to most of these) Organic Grass-fed & pasteurized (eggs & meat) Non-GMO

I think it might be an exercise in discipline and self control. As far as the spiritual stuff goes, I think a lot of it might be the placebo effect. But then again, I think it also has to do with an individual's relationship with their sexuality. I have also seen stuff before on how masturbating regularly can be helpful for some people if they find themselves having a lot of shame around sex or if they don't know what they like physically.

EXACTLY. I was just about to comment this. Sure OP's sister might be mature for her age, that isn't my concern. It's more about where she is in her life experientially. I'm sure she is mature but my concern is that the 37 year old guy is incredibly immature. Also the fact that he lied about his age because he was afraid how OP's sister would react gives me a red flag because even the guy knows that this is on some level weird and shady as hell. And he might be a nice person, but I'm going to be honest, literally anyone can be nice especially when they are trying to get something out of a situation. Nice doesn't mean shit. Age matters less once you're past your formative years (so after 25 ish or so some people push it to 30). Before that, you are growing and changing a lot as a person. I'm 21 and I don't even want to date someone who is 18-19 years old. Because I know how I was back then and I have grown a lot as a person since, both in terms of maturity but also in terms of where I'm at with my life. And sure spiral stage can be a factor when it comes to maturity, but I think in terms age gap relationships, I think it's more important to see a person's life stage and what they are doing with their lives. It isn't so much about your age difference rather it is about your stage in life. There is a huge difference between a 15 year old and a 20 year old for example but a 25 year old and a 30 year old doesn't feel as weird even though you're the same number of years apart. This is because when you compare a 15 year old and a 20 year old, one person is in high school, just finished puberty, and probably doesn't even know how to drive yet and the other person is in college, probably living on their own, has some type of work experience, and is looking at a career. But when you compare a 25 year old and a 30 year old, they are in similar places in their lives in terms of career, thoughts of settling down, etc. so it doesn't feel as big of a difference.

@Preety_India of course no problem. Glad i could help

@Apparition of Jack I think mr Roger's has a good but of green in him. In his show, he spoke up for civil rights, talked about feminism, and was anti war (because of the Vietnam war). I believe he was also vegetarian for moral reasons. But I will also say that his general wholesome image is very palatable to a stage blue person if that makes sense. https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/7064322/amp&ved=2ahUKEwiK58WKpr3tAhVQY6wKHRb0BnkQFjAAegQIARAB&usg=AOvVaw0hU0XiRy6wPS3G47XkFElV&ampcf=1

Title really says it all. But in addition to logically understanding that something isn't you and that it's something you went through, what else can you do to make that realization emotionally sink in (especially if your environment and circumstance is telling you otherwise).

Healthy stage blue gives you impulse control against red tendencies. It forces you to think before acting where as a red person would just lie, cheat, steal and murder. A blue person is more likely to stop, see how immoral it is because their authority says so, and then not act on that immediate impulse. Healthy stage blue is also important when it comes to minding other people's boundaries. For example, most toddlers are developmentally at stage red. They need structure and they need someone with authority who won't waver on their boundaries when they have a tantrum. Those boundaries may lack nuance at this age, but that type of black and white thinking to an extent is important for that stage of a child's development when they are learning basic social cues. At that age, it is not the time to introduce the child to moral relativity and gray thinking or they will rationalize their bad behavior instead of learning since they are at a lower stage of consciousness where they are still forming their egos and identities. It's important to have a solid identity before we go ahead and start deconstructing it later on. To see healthy stage blue, you need to understand why the stage came up in the first place and how it mitigates the excess of the previous stage.

@Preety_India @modmyth I didn't know that love bombing could be used in a positive way. This is a bias in my perception but I always heard about / encountered the topic of love bombing in the context of abusive relationships. Here are a few articles that reference what I've heard and observed over the years to get an idea as to why I have this perception. https://www.healthline.com/health/love-bombing#takeaway https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/love-bombing https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201804/love-bombing-narcissists-secret-weapon https://www.mydomaine.com/what-is-love-bombing

That's really interesting I had no idea. I didn't know love bombing could be used in that way. Huh you learn something new each day. But I guess even that wouldn't hold up in the context of a romantic relationship. It isnt a good idea to start playing savior while dating. That would lead to a lot of codependency, not to mention a parent child dynamic. Either way, it isnt sexy.

Don't underestimate the power and influence of parasocial relationships. You can take in the energy of the media you consume whether it be through forums, movies, books, influencers etc. Those can greatly impact your thinking and view of the world even when you are isolated or say in a difficult situation with toxic people you don't want to be around.

Bottom Line for anyone who comes on this thread: ****Don't love bomb people****. There are plenty of ways to be attractive and court someone without taking things from 0-100. Love bombing can scare people away or lure in vulnerable naive people. Also don't prey on the vulnerable and naive. That's not having game, that's called taking advantage of someone psychologically. And if you encounter a love bomber, RUN!!!! It is a HUGE RED FLAG especially with narcissists. Unless you want to dress up like a red flag for a potential date, partner, or someone you want to have sex with don't love bomb them. Also this goes with out saying, don't stick your dick into crazy and don't let crazy stick their dick in you. It's an act of self love and safety to avoid people like this.

First of all, I understand that mistakes happen. You could be a healthy person and fall into an unhealthy circumstance. But trauma, especially childhood trauma, can make you more prone to unhealthy situations because that's what was modeled to you, that's what you're familiar with, and that's what you accept as normal. Of course trauma isn't the only thing at play. There is also general naivete and not knowing better. I just said trauma because it's super common. Even with cheerful people who are functioning, you don't always know what's going on with their lives. Some people have a good facade. But if it's a recurring, you need to wonder what lesson you're not learning or what keeps falling under the radar. Lessons repeat themselves until they are learned. Sure the recurring positive aspects are fine if you want them to recur, but if there is something you don't want to repeat, you might want to look inwards and address that. It could be as simple as being more cognizant of red flags or be as deep as doing work in therapy. I know it's difficult to hear but in addition to the pattern, you are also one of the common denominators. That doesn't make it your fault or make you to blame but it does mean that you have some type of responsibility and control to take preventative measures. No doubt love bombing can seem very exciting. I can see why someone can fall for it. People love feeling desired and love the excitement of something new. But that doesn't mean love bombing in particular good or healthy. You can have something unravel slowly and naturally and still have it be passionate. But going from 0-100 real quick is horrible advice for both parties. It isn't ok to say I love you to someone you met 2 months ago. You can't love someone you barely even know. I have a friend who met a love bomber once. He wanted to talk to her for hours on the phone and take her out of the country for a trip within a month of knowing her. Lets just say that my friend's internal alarm bells started ringing and she got out of that situation real quick despite the fact she had no dating experience prior to this. Love bombing isn't on the same level as being really attractive. It isn't normal. It's a manipulation tactic that a lot of narcissists, possessive people, and insecure people use to lure someone in. Anna's relationship with Hans in Frozen is a good example of a manipulative and toxic relationship that started with love bombing. Anna was a cheerful girl but mistakes happen and she was naive because of her lack of exposure towards the outside world. Does that make Anna messed up in any way? No. But she still needed to learn that her relationship with Hans wasn't a good one. Hans appeared super charming and intelligent initially like most narcissists. In the movie I believe he tried to kill her and her sister to get the throne or something fucked up. This contrasts with her relationship with Kristoff which unveiled in a more natural pace where they got to know each other and dated for a little bit. And that development didn't make their relationship any less exciting or any more boring. Sometimes there is anticipation in waiting which breeds excitement and mystery. Sometimes things like this needs therapy and sometimes they just need a more watchful eye/ experience. I can't speak for all situations and people. Sometimes it's a self image thing, sometimes it's because they didn't know better. And I'm glad that you are upgrading your knowledge on narcissistic traits and asshole tactics. That shows that you are taking responsibility for that situation and I applaud you. It takes courage and awareness to seek out things like that instead of letting it perpetuate endlessly. Personally I wasn't born with this information either about love bombing. While I lack the personal dating experience, I did watch the situations my friends got into, read up on these types of things, and talked to people. That has to do with being naïve. But hey self image and trauma can play a role even though it isn't necessarily the case with every situation. I apologize if it came across as if I was saying it's a trauma only thing. Everyone and each situation is different so there is only so much I can say.

Yeah I see how each of them intersect with one another in terms of individual self development though I can't say that I know a lot of Jung's personalities. It's just that each model has a different way of slicing and dicing the continuum of consciousness. And according to that, there are pros and cons in regards to which model is the best at explaining a person, place, thing, or situation.

I can definitely see it. I think you're on to something. There are some people who mythologize the founding fathers and assume that they did everything right while there are also people who are willing to critique the founding fathers and point out their less than perfect sides, similar to how people reacted to saints in churches. The country in terms of the institutions structuring is like a stage orange church.

@Preety_India I understand attraction is biological and often automatic, but to say you have no control is inaccurate, especially when it comes to being emotionally attracted to someone. It's very common to have your tastes in a partner change and be healthier after you work on yourself and clear away your traumas. In that way you do have control. Emotionally speaking you can ask yourself "hmm, why do I consistently attract or are attracted by *insert toxic trait or manipulation tactic*" not in a self deprecating way but as a way of accepting responsibility and taking back control of the situation/ patterns. From there you can address issues you had in past relationships, with your family etc. As far as physical attraction goes, that isn't the only factor when it comes to dating and relationships. There are plenty of guys who I can look at and say they are GORGEOUS, yet I have no desire to date or be around some of them because they have dumpster fire behavior tendencies. In those cases, I doubt their quality of their consciousness because again, if you clear out your traumas, there is less of a chance that your attraction is acting from those traumas. I do recognize that accidents happen and that sometimes you can be blindsided by a narcissist. Being attracted to a toxic person doesn't make you a horrible human being. If it is a recurring pattern, it's worth investigating and healing. But often times, there are prior red flags such as love bombing, which if a person was conscious and healthy, their internal alarm bells will start ringing and they won't be attracted to that person. Who said I was looking for perfection? I want a guy who is going to be working on himself. I want to be in a relationship where we both keep each other accountable for our mistakes that will inevitably happen so we can grow together as people. And that's a reasonable standard. Of course not, I agree, blaming yourself or others won't help. You need to be accepting towards the situation, only then can you grow. But accepting the situation also comes with taking responsibility. And that includes taking responsibility for any unhealthy patterns you find yourself attracted to. It isn't your fault and there is not need to beat yourself up for it, but as a form of self care, it's worth investigating/ healing. And there is nothing wrong with being attracted a hot body. But that doesn't always translate to acting on those desires for a myriad of instances. And I do see how physical attraction can cloud judgment. There is a halo effect after all. But if you know the signs and if you have set standards, its going to take more than looks to want to get in someone's pants or end up in a relationship with them. I'll give you an example. A lot of times I'm really bad with telling the ages of guys. When I was 20, I had a 17 year old guy who was still in high school flirt with me. We are close enough in age to where it isn't unusual for either of us to be physically attracted to the other. But does that mean I want to automatically get with him. HELL NO. Upon finding out he was 17, my first thought is "that's a child." Our dynamic would not be healthy because there is a clear power dynamic as I am older and have more life experience. Because I'm not a raging narcissist who is looking to have power over someone, I wasn't attracted to him to where I wanted to sleep with him or be in a relationship with him. I'm looking for an equal, not a pawn who is going to idolize me. He was all over the fact that I looked like I had my life together because I was in college and I had my major and everything sorted out while he was figuring things out. That's fine, we're just in different stages in our lives. But I had to take responsibility and be the adult by firmly putting my foot down and walking away from the situation. Thinking someone is attractive is natural but whether you act on and fall for it it involves so many other factors ranging from neurosis to self control.

Yeah people aren't born fully healthy. Which is why it's important to work on yourself and your quality of life and steer away from the crazies of the world. I don't expect anyone to be 100% healthy and perfect but I do expect someone to strive to be a better version of themselves and move towards some from of expansion. Whether or not you are conscious, you will have to deal with unconscious people. That's just life and that's ok. But that doesn't mean you let all of those people in. You have to pick and choose. And odds are a very conscious woman wouldn't want to manage an unconscious boyfriend. A conscious woman would likely have her own life and have higher standards to where she wouldn't be attracted to an unconscious guy. As they say, birds of the same feather flock together. And yeah there are relationships that you don't have much of a choice in such as family. But you can also distance yourself from those people if you find that they don't resonate with you or if you find them to be destructive. If you are conscious, you would try to get out. When it comes to relationships, people change and that's ok. Relationships don't have to last forever and sometimes people grow in different ways and grow apart and it's best not to force those circumstances because they can be harmful for both parties. Walking away isn't selfishness, it can also be a form of love. And I don't see why you need to change it fundamentally. Of course no one wants to see their actions as selfish because that threatens their ego and survival and most of our actions are selfish. Again, it comes down to quality. It's relative And that's perfectly fine. I guess we just have a different perception on what consists of selfishness and what consists of love. To each their own. Just wanted to put in my 2 cents.

I 100% agree. Ultimately, you are the one who has to accept yourself and do what's best for you. And for people who are looking for relationships that means looking for a high quality partner and not settling. And if you want to get spiritual, you could say everything is a form of love. You're love, I'm love, selfishness is love (albeit a more limited form), divine expansiveness is love, relationships are love, war is love, consciousness is love, ego is love etc. But when it comes to relative forms of love, I guess you're talking about unconditional love like that of a parent. That type of love isn't healthy for a romantic relationship. Like a relationship between two consenting adults shouldn't have a parent child dynamic. That will lead to a lot of codependency. In the relative sense, I don't believe in unconditional love outside of a parent child relationship. If a guy is being an asshole towards me, I'm not going to stick around and "love" him. I'm going to walk away. My love isn't unconditional to where I will allow a guy to treat me like trash. A lot of people also make the argument in toxic relationships that are along the lines of "oh if you really love him, you would stay no matter what" and to me that's messed up. I would make the argument that leaving someone who isn't healthy for you is a greater act of self love and it's also loving to the other person because you are giving them consequences for their bad action to which they can either reflect on what they did wrong and work on themselves or not. Either way, in that situation, you aren't putting yourself in a position where you are hurting yourself by staying and you aren't validating the other person's bad behavior which is also a form of love. The only time I think there should be "unconditional love" is with one's child. Because the child didn't ask to be brought to this world and for their development into a healthy person, they need to internalize that sense of unconditional love from the parent so that they have unconditional, pure love, inside themselves. That would enable them to make good decisions as an adult to where they wouldn't even be attracted to dysfunction. Of course, that's much easier said than done.

I mean there isn't anything wrong with getting your needs met in a relationship. In fact, I think its necessary/ healthy for both parties to an extent. Nothing wrong with having another person as a source of your needs as long as you can also meet those same needs yourself so you don't end up being dependent on the other person. Ain't nothing wrong with having needs or being attracted to someone. Those aren't inherently selfish and they can be met through ethical means. Idk if this makes sense, but if meeting your needs and catering to your tastes is selfish, then hell you could say eating your favorite foods to be characterized as selfish. Speaking of selfishness, there is a gradient of selfishness that a relationship can fall under. There is a baseline healthy level where people have standards and boundaries with their partners (which really isn't selfishness in my books) and then there is the extreme where people become abusive and manipulative. I agree, conscious relationships are difficult to come by but by working on yourself can you attract better partners. In that way, people tend to date on their own level. If you are in a healthy emotional state, you are much less likely to give into other people's foolery because you don't have as many insecurities or weak spots to get toyed with. You aren't going to want a strong super passionate, all over the place, dramatic, or chaotic relationship if you are stable and if you have other positive things going on in your life like a solid life purpose and a good career. You simply won't have the time or patience for that type of behavior. Also IMO, a relationship doesn't necessarily have to be spiritual per se in order to be good/ fulfilling for both parties. And I know that you described dating as inherently unconscious like gambling and drinking. To that comparison I'll say this, you can have a couple glasses of wine on a regular basis without being a raging alcoholic and you can go to a casino for a good time without being a gambler. Can those things go awry if you are in a bad mental state and are using them as a coping mechanism to avoid the bigger issues in your life, sure, absolutely 100%. But you can still date and gamble every now and then and not have it completely consume you. Same thing with dating and relationships. You can do it on a regular basis in a healthy way or you can use it as an unhealthy coping mechanism. Either way, how problematic dating is is not dependent on dating itself, it's dependent on the person who is trying to date. Same thing with alcohol. Nothing wrong with the alcohol itself, instead there is something wrong with person not being able to be in control for numerous other contributing factors.