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But I don't add sugar into anything. Whatever sugar or sweet flavors I consume is already in the food. Unless we're talking about a little bit of honey on my bananas Is honey bad?

12/24/2020 Food Diary I woke up feeling really full. I felt better than last night but I still didn't want to eat. While I did feel full, I didn't feel bloated anymore. I think I was right on how the bloating likely had to do with me not getting enough calories for a few days straight. Breakfast: Vanilla almond milk with coffee and hot coco mix: I don't normally drink coffee but because I felt really full I thought that this would act as a laxative and hopefully clean out my system. It helped a little bit but I think only time will help me digest everything. I still felt full for the rest of the day but it wasn't anything bad. I added some hot coco mix because I really don't like the taste of coffee and this just makes it taste better to me. Lunch: Salmon: Wild caught salmon cooked in olive oil with garlic, Italian seasoning, red pepper powder, turmeric, onion powder, garlic powder, and parsley. I also include onions and bell peppers when making this salmon. I love fish and I tend to make salmon in bulk once a week. I also added a spoonful of flax seeds as well. Vegetable soup: This is the same soup from the night before. It had brussel sprouts, bok choy, carrots, mushrooms, broccoli, onions, green beans chives, garlic, and ginger all in some low sodium vegetable broth. The soup also had some water as well as some olive oil, garlic powder, red chili powder, and cilantro. I only had one bowl this time Snack: A small handful of peanuts: I really just wanted something crunchy mid day. Two chocolate orange slice: I went to my aunt's house for Christmas Eve and she gave me a chocolate orange. I ate one slice to show some appreciation. Then I remembered how much I loved these as a kid. I love chocolate in general but I think my actual love lies in dark chocolate paired with fruit flavors. A little bit of turkey: This was also at my aunt's house. She offered some turkey, sweets, and other snacks but I still felt really full. Nevertheless I also wanted to taste a little bit of turkey. The slice I had was about a third of the palm of my hand. Dinner: Salmon: The same as the one I had for lunch. I added some flax seeds again. I had one more slice of salmon left and I thought I'd just go ahead and finish it. Cauliflower fried rice: made with onions, bell peppers, and olive oil

12/23/2020 Food Diary Today I woke up feeling bloated. That felt odd to me because I have been avoiding foods that cause me to get bloated and I didn't eat all that much in the last few days. Then I found out that bloating can be caused by not having enough calories in your diet or being super restrictive. That wasn't my intention, my appetite has been kind of low lately. But today I decided to make it a point to eat more than usual to see if that would help. Breakfast: 2 slices of gluten free toast with an avocado and an egg: I wanted to go for one toast but I figured I go for 2 because of how I was feeling Lunch: Zucchini noodles: These zucchini noodles are accompanied by broccoli, shredded carrots, onions, garlic, mushrooms, and bell peppers. I sautéed them in olive oil and added red pepper powder as well as some salt. Today I also added some chicken into the mix for extra calories and protein. Snack: Chips and hummus: The way I make my chips is by ripping a gluten free tortilla in a few pieces and pop it into the toaster. As for the hummus, I have been really enjoying this artichoke and spinach hummus I got at the super market. I pair this with a little bit of olive oil, some basic, red chili powder, and a few olives. I also added a touch of tahini because I just bought some today and I never had tahini before so I decided to try some. Turns out I really like it and I can't wait to incorporate this into my recipes. Dinner: Vegetable soup: I chopped up some brussel sprouts, bok choy, carrots, mushrooms, broccoli, onions, green beans chives, garlic, and ginger and put all that into some low sodium vegetable broth. I also added some water as well as some olive oil, garlic powder, red chili powder, and cilantro. I had all that cook together until all of the vegetables were cooked and the soup was boiling. Then I decided to add a little bit of the chicken that I had left over marinating from lunch. I marinated the chicken in a little bit of yogurt, salt, pepper, and basil. I had two bowls of this soup. Snack: Banana with peanut butter, cinnamon, and a little bit of honey: I craving a little bit of sweetness so I opted for this as my desert. I was already feeling relatively full after dinner but I ate this anyway and I felt REALLY full afterwards. Even though my sweet tooth was satisfied, I'd say that I misjudged my hunger/ fullness que. Flax seeds: I just bought these seeds today and I wanted to try them and see how they tasted so I had about a spoonful of them. I can see myself adding this to toast, salads, meats, and even my banana and peanut butter combination.

Bright Eyed Bushy Tailed Energy I feel the need to really gush about something and get it out of my system to be more at peace with it. There was a guy that I met in college about a year ago. I remember walking into my 8 am class. I didn't like this class so for the first day I rolled out of bed looking like Billie Eilish (aint nothing wrong with her just that I was in baggy clothes and sunglasses because I didn't give af) and sat in the back of the class near the exit. There was a man there who began talking. My mind instantly went "Who is THAT???." I thought he was kind of cute. He was my type appearance wise. He dressed really well, was around 5'7", was somewhat toned, had wavy hair, a beard, a big nose, and a beautiful smile. He also had a beautiful accent. I'm not normally an accent person but I've been hearing the frat guy voice on repeat for the last year or so and this voice felt like a breath of fresh air. He looked pretty young so I assumed that he was my TA. It was a fairly large class. Then I looked at the syllabus. "Well," I thought "he doesn't look like a Natalie and he sure as hell doesn't look like an Alyssa." And then he told the class that he was our professor. That felt awkward on my part because of my initial thought of him being attractive. I brushed it off. I see attractive guys everyday but it really doesn't phase me. I thought it was going to be the same case with this guy. But I caught myself being attracted to the way he carried himself. He was always cheerful in class. Sure some people found that annoying since it was so early in the morning but to me he seemed endearing. He genuinely loved what he was doing, or at least seemed like it. He would bring donuts and snacks to class, shared pictures of his puppy with us, and during finals season he sent us a collection of his favorite memes. He also had this maternal sense of compassion where he cared about us but also had a slight streak of anxiety, not to the point where it felt neurotic but in the sense of how much he cared. I remember during midterm season he went on for like 10 minutes of all of the ways that he could help us prepare and how he is available to help followed by how he was more worried about the exam than we were. It wasn't because everyone was doing poorly, the class average seemed fine. He just wanted everyone to do well. He was very on top of things and more proactive than a lot of my other professors so at the very least I could appreciate his competence. Over all to me he came off as someone who was authentic, optimistic, kindhearted, energetic, and put together. I don't know why but he reminded me of a golden retriever. I really caught myself falling for him when my roommate at the time pointed it out. She asked me why I'm always dressed up with my hair and my makeup done on certain days of the week every week. She then began inquiring if someone caught my eye from the classes I have on those days. I caught myself getting flustered and embarrassed. I'm not supposed to be daydreaming about my teacher, especially when I'm supposed to be paying attention in his class. Some days I would be hyper focused because I wanted to hang on every word he had to say so I can do well in his class while on other days I lost his message in the cadence of his voice. Regardless, I worked hard for his class. In my mind, the most I could do is appear like a good student who puts effort into her work. I wouldn't dare say anything about my likings towards him. First of all, I'm too flustered to say anything outside of the content I need help on when I'm at his office. I mean I know that I blush REALLY EASILY and knowing this I made it a point to where extra makeup because I didn't want him to see how red I was. But more importantly the last thing I want to do is get him in trouble, especially if I'm the one causing that trouble. The whole thing felt too taboo and too perverted to me. There was a lot of shame wrapped around this one crush. But I'd say that it was a healthy dose of shame, the type that would stop you from doing something stupid because you knew better and knew of the consequences at play. I began asking myself why I felt so mesmerized by him. After all, I barely knew him. I thought about the traits I liked about him such as how light hearted he is, how conscientious he is, and his over all bright eyed bushy tailed demeanor. I also liked having another brown person in the business school with me. Lets just say that my college is lacking in people of color. And then I realized, the main reason why I liked him was because I saw myself in him. Not only did I see myself in him, I saw the best version of myself in him. Throughout this semester I began taking care of myself more physically and taking more time to get ready in the morning. At first it was only on the days I had his class but soon enough it was an everyday ritual that I did to feel refreshed. Doing my hair and makeup, and picking out an outfit instead of rolling out of bed and going to class in whatever I had on, felt like my cup of coffee in the morning. Except I got that feeling without any caffeine and I felt cute during the entire day. Initially, I made it a point to be proactive and study really hard for his class but those habits trickled into my other classes as well to where I didn't procrastinate on my work anymore. I also began working out and eating better and as a result physically I felt amazing. But most importantly, I felt myself being more cheerful and more in tuned with that bright eyed bushy tailed side of myself, the side that he often projected in class. Even though I have no chance with him, the reason why I was so mesmerized was that in a way, liking him made me like myself more. I saw the best version of myself in him and I began moving towards that version of myself in his presence. I really embodied this part of myself earlier in the year before the pandemic but I slipped back into old ways for a variety of reasons. I am looking to get back into that same place sometime in the next year. Like I said before, I barely know him. A lot of the things I like about him are projections; things I aspired to be, good qualities I myself had, and possible issues that are unresolved from childhood. I might get into the later in a different post in the future. Because I have limited information on him, I realize that I am infatuated with a fantasy. For all I know he could be far from that fantasy behind closed doors. I'm not really looking to get over this if I'm going to be honest. There is a low chance that I'll ever see him again and I personally like having someone I could make romantic scenarios about before I go to sleep at night. Even if I did meet him again, I doubt I'd do anything because I know that I'm more attached to the idea of him than who he actually is. I think realizing that this is nothing more than a fantasy is enough for me. It acknowledges my tastes and my feelings without evoking shame or enabling chaos and delusion. It's difficult to get over a fantasy because fantasies are perfect. And I acknowledge that difficulty and I'm at peace with it.

A lot of what I wrote about abundance based eating is what I learned from Abbey Sharp's channel. She is a dietician who breaks down people's what I eat in a day videos and debunks diet myths that circulate around the internet using research. She also is very body positive and advocates for a healthy relationship with food. Intuitive eating is big on this channel and she has an entire playlist dedicated to it. And as someone who has struggled with disordered eating in the past and as someone who can get triggered sometimes by restrictive diets, this has been my go to source to ground myself and come back to reality. Her channel really advocates for healthy eating in a sane and sustainable way.

Spending Time with My Stage Orange Friends I know I talked about me spending some time at my friend's house a couple posts back. I also invited them over as well because they like me were also going stir crazy with their parents. We mainly talked about growing up whether it is about what we were like as kids and revisiting old plays we did together or where each of us were with our lives. I caught all of us becoming more and more distant with one another in the last couple years so having those conversations with how we felt about our relationship with each other was so helpful because it made us feel close again, cleared up any confusion and awkwardness that built up over the years, and let each of us be vulnerable with what we are going through. We also gossiped about people we grew up with and talked about general self help stuff in regards to how each of us are making an effort to grow. And finally, we all cooked a lot together during this time because for each of us, cooking has become a coping mechanism to being stuck in the house all day. When it came to the self help stuff, my friends are in the place in their lives where they are still building a strong ego. That usually has to do with building confidence and getting to know your likes, dislikes, strengths, and weaknesses. I'm in a different place in my life where I'm trying to dismantle different labels that I hold on to and deconstruct my ego. We talked about building a strong ego in the context of our school lives as well as our wardrobes, diet, dating, and body image. It was really fun to evaluate each other's wardrobes when it came to figuring out our body types, what flatters each of us, and what kind of vibe fits our personality. It wasn't really anything new to me. I went through a similar process with building up an ego and finding out what works for me a few years ago (around when I was 16-17) but revisiting that and helping my friends with their journey was interesting. It was interesting because it helped me ground myself more. I feel that I sometimes get so caught up with more advanced self development that I don't give myself credit for the basic stuff that I have already sorted through. It also helped me be more practical and hands on as opposed to grappling with different complex ideas that I often find with Leo's videos. I think seeing people go overboard with advanced self development can be seen on this forum with some people who are obsessed with tripping and racking up on awakening experiences. Don't get me wrong, self development is a really good hobby and a noble way to live life but it's important to stay grounded with life outside of this sphere imo so you don't lose yourself in the process. I would say that my friends are mainly stage orange and green. They have green ideals and values but their interests and the media they gravitate towards is orange. During these sleepovers we gossiped about people who were acting wild in our lives, watched Bollywood Wives and other reality tv series, and watched Korean Dramas. I personally don't gravitate towards these things. I don't watch reality TV or cheesy rom coms, not because I don't like them but because I'm more into other things. But I can enjoy myself and appreciate things. And that's what I let myself do. I think I have been overdoing the self help lately and I needed to let loose and be consciously unconscious if that makes sense as a way of taking a break. Like I'm thinking of taking a break from self help work and start reading more fiction books and watching a bunch of TV shows I tell myself to watch but I never do. I think it's a good idea to have a source of entertainment to connect to people and just unwind tbh. I think this also goes along with embracing my inner basic bitch. Also going off of how they are trying to build and get to know their egos while being in stage orange and green, I figured that I could introduce them to astrology with the natal charts and everything as well as the law of attraction. We all honestly had a ball reading each other's birth charts and what they meant as well as doing a bunch of random tarot pick a card readings on YouTube. I don't really believe in astrology all that much but I do believe that it can be a great tool to get to know yourself and have a language to share somethings about yourself with. To me, all of this was just good fun tbh that probably helped my friends.

Abundance Oriented Eating I believe that when it comes to balancing a healthy, nonrestrictive relationship with food while trying to eat healthier, it is best to take a more abundance oriented approach. What I mean by an abundance oriented approach is by focusing on the foods you can eat rather than the ones that you can't while still focusing on the foods that you do like that are healthy. That means instead of lamenting over the fact that you can't have pizza for example, you focus on the healthy foods you like such as in my case cauliflower rice. It doesn't have to be cauliflower rice if you don't want it to, it can be anything. That way you aren't fixated or constantly craving foods that aren't good for you because you are still focused on foods that still taste good to you. This also lessens the likelihood of binge eating because then you won't want to have a mukbang with a ton of unhealthy food for one day because you were on a restrictive diet for a long time. Also, by focusing on eating healthy foods that you do like, you start associating eating healthy as something you genuinely want to do and enjoy doing instead of something you have to do. I have noticed that whenever people start talking about going on a diet or eating healthy, it often is framed as something that people are resistant towards and don't want to do. To me that's unusual because eating healthy is supposed to make you physically feel good and be a form of self care. But I'm not surprised because diet culture paints eating healthy as something that is restrictive, and difficult and pushes this "no pain, no gain" mindset. That also means that you don't force yourself to eat healthy foods if you don't like it. For example, with me, I don't like the taste of celery juice, so as a result, I don't drink it. There are many ways to eat healthy so if eating salad isn't something you like doing, you don't have to and it's not like you don't have any options to eat anything else. Eating healthy doesn't have to be a painful chore where you force yourself to eat things you don't like. That isn't sustainable in the long run when you're trying to make a life style change. This journey for me has been learning and trying new recipes and eating delicious food. And finally, abundance oriented eating means that you can have foods that aren't necessarily good for you. By tending to your cravings, it releases the novelty behind the food you're lusting over. It no longer feels like a "guilty pleasure" and as a result, psychologically it loses it's appeal. It also gets you out of a scarcity mindset. For example, if you tell yourself that you aren't allowed to eat chocolate by any circumstances, when you see chocolate, you're going to go all in with a binge. But if you let yourself have it and don't moralize on the food, you probably won't binge on the same way and in the long run you won't crave it any more. I found that this worked really well with my cravings for chocolate and cheese. Also tending to your cravings can help you cut calories as well. For example, lets say you are craving chocolate again, but because you won't let yourself have any, you opt for peanut butter. And then because you aren't satisfied because that's not what you actually wanted, you go and have chips. Then the cycle continues and you end up eating more food until eventually you just eat the chocolate you were craving this entire time. If you just eat the chocolate when you feel that craving kick in, you wouldn't go through with eating the peanut butter or the chips etc. and you'll save on calories and go towards satisfaction more easily. While I am trying to eat healthy on this journal, I wanted to share some of my favorite comfort food items that I have every few weeks or so. Inn n out protein style burger Normally I don't crave beef because I didn't grow up eating it. I feel that cravings often have a certain feeling of familiarity associated with it. But every few months or so I do crave a burger. Most burgers to me feel greasy but I found that Inn n out tastes pretty fresh and not oily at all. Upon trying to go gluten and dairy free, I have opted for the lettuce burger where instead of a regular bun they use lettuce. And I noticed that I actually like it this way better. I also normally say no cheese. I've never really been a cheese person when it came to my burgers/ sandwiches tbh. Normally my burger consists of double meat, onions, pickles, tomatoes, lettuce along with a little bit of Inn n out sauce. It's simple, light and tastes pretty fresh. Chipotle veggie bowl My veggie bowl consists of a little bit of brown rice (I don't really like too much rice on my bowls), peppers, salsa, guacamole, black beans, pico de gallo , and a little bit of sour cream on the side ( I put it on the side so I have more control over how much I'm eating). Sometimes instead of a veggie bowl I also add some chicken into the mix. I find this to be extremely filling and I do get a lot of veggies in. Canes 3 finger combo This comes with a drink, fries, a garlic bread, and 3 chicken strips. Normally I just get water and I give the fries to my dad or I save them for another day. They aren't bad but I don't really care for them. They fill me up to much to where I can't enjoy the other stuff. But the bread on the other hand is so fluffy and warm. The chicken fingers are a crispy but they aren't greasy. I normally don't gravitate towards fast food or towards fried foods because the grease doesn't taste good and makes me feel like trash later on but for me, I don't get that effect with Canes chicken tbh. The chicken is very light and doesn't make me feel bulky at all. To me it at least tastes fresher than any alternatives. Cinnabon Center of the Roll I love on how warm and cinnamony this is. My order mainly consists of bite sized pieces of a cinnamon roll, caramel, and pecans. The texture and the amount of cinnamon is what really gets me. Upon realizing this, I have been introducing more nuts and more cinnamon on sweeter dishes and snacks because I realize that this is what I really liked. Mint Chip Ice Cream I grew up with ice cream. When I was a kid, hell even now, my dad would randomly take me for ice cream for no special reason just to spend time with me. He would always get a banana split with strawberry ice cream and I would normally get either mint chip or peppermint. To me, those flavors really underscore and enhance how cold the ice cream is. Plus it has chocolate, so I love that. My dad makes fun of me though because to him both of those flavors tastes like toothpaste lol. But every now and then when I catch my sweet tooth kicking in, my first thought is getting ice cream. I used to be obsessed with it before when I restricted the types of food I could eat and back then I could have three scoops with no problem but now a days with abundance oriented eating, I catch myself feeling satisfied after one scoop. This is also what I catch myself reaching for when I find myself having a rough day.

Things to Consider I had to look up what brassica vegetables are after I saw a comment on this journal. I put a link of the original source below but I also copied and pasted the content from the website for easy reference in the future. The black bolded vegetables are ones that I already have in my diet, the turquoise bolded vegetables are vegetables I like but don't eat on a super regular basis but wouldn't mind having them more often, while the vegetables in regular font are things that I don't really eat period. https://www.masterclass.com/articles/brassica-vegetable-guide#15-types-of-brassica-vegetables 15 Types of Brassica Vegetables The Brassica family features a number of commonly used vegetables. Turnips: Purple or white turnips are hearty with a hint of heat, and can be eaten raw in salads, boiled and mashed, or simply roasted like other winter root vegetables. When turnips are young and small in size, steaming is a gentle way to cook them and preserve their natural sweetness. Turnip greens are best enjoyed when young, but leaves in good condition can still be sautéed with garlic, added to soups and stews, or incorporated into mixed green salads. Rutabaga: Rutabagas are both larger and sweeter than turnips, with tougher skin. They can be cooked in almost exactly the same ways: When roasted or mashed, the rutabaga’s natural sugars make it an indulgent partner for brown butter and baking spices. Radishes: Radishes are a fast-growing root that is mostly used as a crudité, or added as a garnish to bring a cool crunch (with a little heat) to any number of dishes. The tender greens of radishes are edible and taste a bit like mustard greens when the plant is young. Wasabi and horseradish: Wasabi and horseradish showcase the potency of the mustard oil that defines the Brassica genus. Renowned for their sinus-tingling heat, wasabi and horseradish can be dried and turned into a seasoning paste, or grated fresh as a garnish. Kohlrabi: Known as the “German turnip,” crisp, pale green kohlrabi often mystifies those who are new to its versatile charms. With a flavor and texture very similar to broccoli stems or raw cabbage, kohlrabi is easy to use in a fresh, crunchy slaw, sliced thin on a mandolin for salad, or roasted into tender steak fries. Kale: Grown for its edible greens, kale comes in a few variations: curly, bumpy, flat, or feathery. After removing the woody center stem from the kale, it can be enjoyed raw—either in a salad or tossed into a smoothie—sautéed, or even roasted into crispy kale chips. Cabbage: Cabbage is a cruciferous vegetable that is leafy green, red, or white in appearance and known for its densely formed heads. There are four main varieties, including the long and narrow Napa cabbage (or Chinese cabbage), which is used for kimchi, as a wrap for steamed fish, and more. Cabbage can transform into a refreshing slaw, tastebud-tingling sauerkraut, or a cozy braised side dish. Bok choy: Delicate bok choy is a prime candidate for steaming and quick sautés, especially when combined with slivers of garlic cloves and a dash of soy sauce. Slice cleaned bunches into thick ribbons, and add to stir-fries. Collard greens: Collard greens are a staple side dish in Southern cooking with a signature bitter flavor, similar to Swiss chard. While collard greens have traditionally been used for heartier cooked dishes (as the leaves can hold up to longer cooking times), these nutritious greens have made their way into health food diets: shredded raw in salads, prepared with steam, and even used to make gluten-free wraps. Watercress: Watercress is an aquatic leafy vegetable that grows in the shallow water of cool streams and is one of the oldest salad greens: Ancient Romans dressed raw watercress with pepper, cumin, and garum (fermented fish sauce). Watercress makes a great garnish, but it can take center stage in salads and stir-fries, too. Arugula: Peppery arugula is packed with bold flavor, despite the delicate appearance of its leaves. Enjoy the leafy green as a base for salads, piled onto a freshly baked pizza, or in a pesto. Mustard greens: A staple in both Asian and Southern cuisines, mustard greens are equally delicious raw or braised. The best way to prepare mustard greens will depend on the variety: Cook curly mustard greens as you would kale, but treat gai choy more like bok choy. Mustard greens will lose their vibrant green color when stewed for a long time, so if the color is important to you, blanch or steam mustard greens before stir-frying, sautéing, or puréeing. Cauliflower: Cauliflower is best known for its edible white head—which can be seared in thick-cut steaks, caramelized in the oven, or pureed into savory, creamy soups—but its core stems and leaves cook up nicely over high heat, too, drawing out a sweetness reminiscent of a cooked turnip. Quick-boiled cauliflower rice has recently become a favorite low-carb staple to use in place of high-carb grains like rice and pasta. Broccoli: Broccoli is an edible bright green or purple plant with a flowering head, sturdy stalk, and nutrient-dense leaves. Broccoli can be eaten in its entirety and prepared in a myriad of ways: raw, roasted, steamed, sautéed, and even battered and fried. Enjoy it chopped up in a salad, steamed for a quick snack, puréed into a pasta sauce, roasted and served over lentils, rice, quinoa, or other grains with a drizzle of olive oil. Brussel sprouts: These crunchy seasonal staples that resemble mini-cabbages are a revelation when their outer leaves are roasted to a salty crisp, leaving the insides meltaway tender. Brussell sprouts are best served steamed, roasted, or sautéed. Pair Brussel sprouts with frizzled lardons, or thinly slice them raw for an unbeatable winter salad with kale and citrus.

I found going mostly gluten and dairy free so far has helped me immensely even though I haven't fully moved into that transition yet. I'm also trying to cook with olive oil more and I find that it tastes better to me any way so that felt like a no brainer. The only time I really use something like vegetable oil is when I'm making eggs because I find cooking eggs with olive oil tastes weird. But other than that, my main source of fat has been peanut butter, avocados, nuts in general, olive oil, and fish.

Thank you so much this was really informative. Stuff like this is definitely encouraged . I'll look into this a bit more going forward.

A critique of stage orange

@Danioover9000@How to be wise by what you physically liked I didn't really mean looks (though that can also be the case), I was mainly meaning different positions, sensations, where you're sensitive, and kinks etc.

These all honestly look sooooo good. I want to try out most of these recipes!!!! Even though my mind goes blank when someone asks me "what is your favorite type of food" since I love to eat, I noticed that I feel healthy and good about my life when I eat a more Mediterranean diet. I also noticed that a lot of the food I have been eating recently at home falls roughly in line with what consists of a Mediterranean diet upon writing these food dairy entry. Finally until, I started this journal I didn't realize how much peppers, onions, olive oil, garlic, and tomatoes I have been eating. They are basically my staples at this point.

12/17/2020 Food Diary Lunch: Salmon: I fried this in olive oil and marinated it using Italian seasoning, red chili powder, onion powder, garlic powder, and lime. I also fry this with a bell peppers and onions. I had 1 small piece. I wasn't very hungry today and woke up feeling bloated for some reason but since I skipped breakfast I thought I needed to eat something. Snack: 1 banana and natural, unsweetened. peanut butter: Pretty much the same snack as the day before. I found out this time that this snack really satisfies my sweet tooth so as a result, I can see myself reaching for this more often in the future when I do get sugar cravings even though this snack doesn't even have any added sugar. I was also surprised by how much this filled me up. It felts as if I had a whole meal tbh. But I'm not surprised since this snack has carbs and a hint of sweetness from the banana while a good source of protein and fats in the peanut butter. Dinner Taboule Salad: Instead of ranch like last time, I used balsamic vinegar. Tomato Basil Soup:

12/15/2020 Food Diary Breakfast 2 slices of gluten free toast with an avocado and an egg: typical breakfast. I know writing this on a regular basis might get boring but for some reason, I never get bored of it. It is satiating both in terms of how it fills me up because it has a good combination of carbs, protein, and healthy fats and in terms of flavor as well, which is why this is my go to. Lunch: Southwest Chicken Avocado Salad: Has grilled chicken, roasted corn, poblano and black bean relish, red onion, tomato,, avocado on mixed greens and chili lime vinaigrette dressing. It usually comes with cheese and tortilla chips but I got the salad without them because of what I'm trying to do with my diet. I was craving this particular salad from a near by deli so I went ahead and got it. It tastes like a regular, ordinary salad but there was something about it that I was craving. Upon eating it, I noticed that it was the dressing which I only used half of because it was rather sweet. I will try to recreate the dressing at home and I feel that when it comes to eating salads, crave worthy salads usually lie in the dressing and how it ties all of the vegetables come together. Snack: 1 scoop of ice cream on a waffle cone: Just felt like having ice cream. That's really it. Dinner: Gluten free mushroom spaghetti: Has onions, diced garlic, a little bit of diced bell peppers, cherry tomatoes, mushrooms, olive oil, gluten free noodles, parsley and tomato sauce. I accidentally used too many vegetables and not enough noodles but I still really enjoyed it. 12/16/2020 Food Diary Brunch: Egg white omelet: I set aside spinach, tomatoes, diced mushrooms, and diced onions. I used waaay too many vegetables so I added 3 egg whites so that it wouldn't basically be a salad hahaha. I only ate half of this omelet because it was a lot so basically I had 1.5 egg whites and a ton of vegies. I also had this will a little bit of avocado, I'd say about 1/4 of one, along with a little bit of a drizzle of siracha sauce. Snack: A handful of peanuts and some sea salt popcorn: A handful of peanuts is usually my go to when I feel like snacking. I also felt like finishing up the remainder of the sea salt popcorn I had in the house since I was craving a little bit of salt. A banana with natural, unsweetened peanut butter: I got some unsweetened, natural peanut butter at the supermarket the other day. The only ingredient that is listed there was peanuts. The texture was runnier than regular peanut butter and I got the chunky kind where you get peanuts in every bite. I would say I actually like this type of peanut butter more. I also love eating a banana with peanut butter so that's what I did. Dinner: Cauliflower rice with grilled shrimp: Had cauliflower with sautéed onions and bell peppers in olive oil, and grilled shrimp with basil and ground red peppers. Taboule salad with a little bit of ranch: Honestly I was kinda lazy with making dinner tonight. I just picked up the scraps of somethings I had in the fridge. I was surprised with how filling and satisfying it was.

I found this video fascinating

Distinctions between types of desires, how desire is seen through different teachings and cultures, higher consciousness desires and egoic desires etc.

Thought this was really insightful. Posting this here so I don't lose it.

A Reset I spent a few days at my friend's house earlier this week. It helped me remember who I am around other people. I felt that I really needed a break from my parents and the bs that has been happening in my house. And that instinct was right. I felt more refreshed and capable after leaving my friend's house. It helped me re-contexualize my current situation so I'm not so identified with it. That is super important considering I have been having issues not internalizing things. I knew in theory that I'm not what happens to me and that I'm not my feelings but emotionally I have yet to integrate that fully. But on the downside, even though I feel refreshed, I felt this sense of emotional heaviness and emotional paralysis upon coming home. I think a lot of the things that are happening right now have to do with my environment and what I associate that with. My parent's have also been all over the place since I came back. The day I came back was the day that my mom's purse got stolen at the grocery store. The purse had her glasses, credit card, phone, driver's license, house key, and car key. So now we are trying to retrieve all of those things and cancel the credit card. Also we have to switch the locks in the doors of our house because whoever this person is has the address and the key so that's not good. Until then we have to be extra careful. We called the cops and everything with little luck but yeah there is a lot of stress for all of us. This is tangentially related but I have also found an article about how shoplifting is also on the rise all over the country. It's mainly for basic necessities such as food, diapers, and baby formula. The pandemic, recession, lack of help from the government, is causing people to get desperate as people go hungry and homeless. As soon as my mom's purse was stolen there was a fraudulent purchase from the super market. It seemed as if it was probably the price of groceries for that person. Even though my family is stressed out with medical bills, and issues with COVID as a few more people we know have passed away after contracting it, and the stolen purse incident, my heart still goes out to the person who stole my mom's purse. I don't know what the hell they must be going through. I know the problems with 2020 isn't going to be solved once 2021 comes in but I hope people can feel like they can mentally reset and give this god awful year a rest. Thankfully there is a vaccine that is being used for health care workers now and this will go out to the public next year. God, I just want this stupid pandemic to be over.

I think it depends on why someone is engaging in casual sex regardless of gender. There are some people who engage in casual sex as a way to cope with trauma, to get over a relationship, to stroke their egos by showing people how desirable they are, to fit in, etc. In those cases, I don't think it's healthy. Those reasons are typically rooted in fear or trauma. But on the other hand there are people who engage in casual sex in order to get better, to try new things, or to explore their sexuality more. In those cases, I think casual sex can be healthy. There is no real reason imo why casual sex needs to be taboo. While there are good and bad reasons why casual sex can be healthy or unhealthy, that isn't the only factor at play (though it is an important one). Some people are more predisposed to it than others. And by that I mean that casual sex can be right for someone but wrong for another person. Some people may have good reasons for casual sex but they are the type of person who get easily attached emotionally when sex is involved. For those people, it isn't right and can at it's worst have traumatizing effects. But there are also people who can sleep around and not have any issues doing so, so for them casual sex is a good fit. Final verdict: I think emotionally there are a lot of factors at play ranging for someone's reasons for having casual sex along with their personal preferences/ tendencies. Spiritually speaking, I guess there is a spiritual lens only if you decide to make it spiritual. For some it is, for some it isn't. And either way is ok.

Going All In I went to sleep over at a friend's house for the past couple of days. During that time, I let go off all of my habits and just took a break so the food diary entry for those days don't reflect my typical eating patterns. Though I will say this, I satisfied a lot of my cravings and now I'm good for a while. 12/11/2020 Lunch: Taboule salad and grilled salmon ***went to my friend's house Dinner: Ground chicken lettuce wraps: Had ground chicken, seasoning, diced water chestnuts, and diced carrots. We also added this soy sauce blend thing from a packet. It was sweet and savory but I'm not sure what was in it. We then wrapped those in lettuce. The meal was pretty good. I can see myself making this except I would make my own home made sauce instead for a healthier option. I also discovered how much I like water chestnuts. I guess I didn't like them as much before but when they are diced, they are pretty nice. Snack: 2 slices of cheese cake: My friend had these lying around and offered me some. I went ahead and ate a couple. They weren't bad but I realized how much I don't miss a lot of sweets. While it wasn't thrilling, I did enjoy splurging a little bit. 12/12/2020 Breakfast: Hot coco mocha: My friend made this for me with almond milk. It was really rainy outside plus we lit a very scented pumpkin cupcake candle. I have been going through an ego backlash state and this was really soothing and comforting. It really just made me feel loved and cared for lol. Lunch: Vegetable Soup: It was very similar to Leo's vegetable soup recipe however, my friend put in brussels sprouts, cabbage, carrots, green beans, ginger and tofu in it. I can see myself making this in the future. It was really simple and delicious. Dinner: Spaghetti: My friend made spaghetti with regular spaghetti noodles, sauce, garlic powder, tomato sauce, and basil. I normally do my spaghetti differently but it was nice. Snack: I have been munching on chocolate covered blueberries on and off throughout the day for the next couple days. 12/13/2020 Breakfast: Jalapeno cheese corn bread: I had a little bit of this and then my stomach started acting up. But it was really good and I can't say that I ate this without knowing what I was getting myself into. My stomach was also acting up for the rest of the day because of the way I have been eating. I also started breaking out again. I guess I got used to my dairy/ gluten/ soy free diet before so my body saw what I was eating for the last couple days and freaked tf out. As a result, I skipped lunch. I was still snacking on the chocolate covered blueberries though. Dinner: Vegetable Soup: I had the same vegetable soup as before because I wanted to learn how to make it. Before I just had the soup but this time I helped my friend make it. I ate it without tofu this time. 12/14/2020 Brunch: Grilled Chicken Salad: Had red onions, tomatoes, spinach, grilled chicken, and ranch. It was pretty good. I really liked the chicken. My friend and I woke up late since we were up at night talking so we decided to Uber eats. Lunch: Paneer Tikka Masala with Naan: My friend's dad brought home some food after he went out for groceries and didn't know we already ordered food. I had one naan and some paneer because I didn't want it to go to waste. Plus I love the tikka masala gravy and I haven't had it for a year. It was satisfying. Then I went back home around 4 or so. I took a nap at 7pm and found myself waking up at 5 am the next morning.

@Preety_India Thank you so much. This means a lot to me ??

Little Reminders Throughout My Day: Things I Tell Myself When I Catch Myself Spiraling I am in my own time line Gentleness is patience. Discipline is patience. Have faith in the timing of your life and your healing. Be gentle with yourself. I might have problems doing something now, but it won't be forever. I am capable. This too shall pass. I have gone through difficult things before and I am strong enough to handle them. It's ok to feel. Just be with the difficult emotion. It's ok. Gentleness is empathy. I will figure the circumstances of my life in due time. This is temporary in the bigger picture even if it feels forever right now. This is circumstantial. It isn't inherent to who I am and what I am capable of. You are not the only one struggling. This is hitting different people in different ways. Everyone is having issues. I am not weak or incompetent for struggling. Struggling doesn't make a person weak and incompetent. I am not what is happening to me. I am the person experiencing the circumstance. Social media is a highlight reel. You don't know what people are going through behind closed doors. When you compare yourself to these people, you are comparing yourself to what you think their reality is like. You are comparing yourself to imaginary people with imaginary lives. I got my life together once, and I will do it again.