soos_mite_ah

@modmyth Yeah my parents are more keen on celebrating Hindu holidays. While the holidays are oriented around religion, especially in the U.S., when people come together to celebrate Diwali for example, there is more of an emphasis on culture rather than the religious aspects. Normally you would have to pray for like 15-20 minutes and then the rest of it is eating, hanging out with friends, music and dance performances etc. To me growing up and, hell even now, I always used those holidays as an occasion to get fancy and dress in traditional Indian clothes as well as interact with other south asian people because I grew up in an area where there weren't many south asian people there. Seeing what post-covid socializing is going to be like is going to be interesting to say the least. I can't wait for that to happen since I'm really ready to start putting myself out there more, but on the other hand, there is this inner sociologist in me that wants to stand in the sidelines to observe and analyze differences between then and now.

Health Related Things to Consider My issues: Deal with PCOS Deal with High ANA levels (due to inflammation) Treat Iron Deficiency Treat Slowed Metabolism Wanting Weight Loss Wanting to Clear Acne My family history: A lot of high blood sugar Some high blood pressure Being over weight

@modmyth Yeah as a kid they let me do whatever Christmas-y things I wanted to do which to me meant making cookies, putting up the tree, making Christmas lists, and hanging stockings but as I got older we all lost the motivation to go all out. I guess to my parents Christmas always seemed like an American/ Christian thing and because they grew up in a different country with a different faith. In India and Bangladesh, Christmas is recognized because there are Christians there, but because they are such a small population, it's not like huge deal there. Mainly people just get Christmas eve and Christmas day off and that's it. Even though they enjoy Christmas festivities, like the lights, the Christmas parties etc. it never resonated with them deep down inside on a traditional level. I mainly found about all of the things people would do on Christmas and Santa in school, particularly elementary school where our teachers would let us do a lot of Christmas related arts and crafts. We still decorate the house with Christmas lights because my grandmother really liked it but that's really about it. I would just tell my friends that straight up on how my family wasn't really into Christmas because it didn't resonate on a deep cultural level with them. It is normally not met with anything other than understanding but I remember when I was younger and I was in middle school some of the kids felt sorry for me after they talked about what they got for Christmas because I didn't really get too many presents. Yeah I'm trying to find more people to expand my social circle. I was planning on really putting myself out there and then COVID happened so those efforts got delayed lol.

12/30/2020 Food Diary Lunch: Gluten free spaghetti with chicken: Has onions, diced garlic, cherry tomatoes, mushrooms, olive oil, gluten free noodles, basil, chicken and tomato sauce. Thought I didn't have spaghetti in a minute. I skipped breakfast because I was feeling rather depressed this morning. Snack: 1 can of sprite: I was satisfied with about half of the can but I went ahead and finished it. I noticed that my desire to binge on sweet things have gone down as my sugar cravings have gone down. I can have some sweets and still feel like I can control myself if I need to. But later on today I ran into some problems with my mom. She saw the empty soda can in my room and scolded me for having it. She was like "you are working so hard on your diet and health and now you're just going to throw it away with soda. Don't drink soda" etc. I think that's where I get my nit picking tendencies from. I know one soda isn't going to throw away all the progress I have made with my diet just like how one healthy snack won't fix anything either. But this perfectionistic attitude towards food I feel messes up my relationship with food and compels me to restrict, restrict, restrict. Over all, not a healthy attitude towards food and towards a life style change. Spinach and artichoke hummus and celery Dinner: Kale and spinach salad: This salad had kale, green onion, yellow bell peppers, carrots, cherry tomatoes, flax seeds, tahini, avocado, artichoke and spinach hummus, spinach and balsamic vinegar. I was so full after this meal. It was a fairly large salad. Anything sugary note: Sprite

Life Update General Health: I finished 1 month of Zoloft. I feel better emotionally and I feel like I have a clearer head. I think I'm going to request a smaller dose with the psychiatrist since I'm doing pretty well. I know I probably mentioned this before but it's like I got a break from my own mind. I can acknowledge my negative emotions but I don't have to go super intense with them and spiral into them. When a lot of that intensity was controlled, it was actually easier to process the things happening with me in my life. Gentleness really is key when it comes to processing. Going at things too strongly at once can be counter productive. I also changed up my diet quite a bit. I am keeping an entire food journal about this in my other journal here where I am recording what I eat in a day as well as anything interesting I find pertaining to my nutrition and health. I still have quite a bit to go but I feel like I'm off to a good start. I also started cooking my meals more by myself. Because I'm at home, I tend to let my mom cook (and she insists) but cooking for me has been empowering. Upon coming back home because of the pandemic, I felt as though a lot of my sense of independence and autonomy has been taken from me. Cooking and taking care of food on my own has helped me gain back that sense of control and that feeling of capability. Plus I'm having a lot of fun with it by trying new foods and recipes. I am getting my period again and it is coming closer to resembling my regular cycle. I think things should be back to normal in a month or two. My acne has also cleared up and I feel like I lost a little bit of weight. My hair also stopped thinning so that's good. I can't wait to continue on this health journey and see how much progress I can make.

12/29/2020 Food Diary Breakfast: Egg muffin with spinach, kale, bell peppers, onions, and turkey: This muffin was from the batch I made in bulk. I normally would have it with avocado to get some healthy fats in but I was in a rush this morning so I grabbed the muffin and ran off. It didn't fill me up the same way it did with the avocado and I found myself really hungry by the time lunch rolled around. Lunch: Kale salad: This salad had kale, spinach red onion, yellow bell peppers, carrots, mushrooms, flax seeds, tahini, cucumbers, artichoke and spinach hummus, and balsamic vinegar. Like the salad I had last time that was very similar to this, it was very filling, more filling than what I expected. Snack: 1 banana with peanut butter and cinnamon Dinner: Chicken curry: I'm not sure how to make it but I know my mom makes it from scratch with whole ingredients and doesn't add any extra salt to the dish. Cauliflower fried rice: has bell peppers, onions, and cilantro mixed in. Snack: A handful of peanuts and a pickle: I felt hungry in the middle of the night.

My dad is blue with a lot of orange and a dash of green. He is pro women's rights and rights of POC (and HATES Trump) but most of his energy goes towards how to make money, be efficient, be practical and being strategic in life. He embodies a lot of the healthy qualities of orange but is not in touch with his emotions at all and gets freaked out by the notion of it. He does have blue in him because of his "blood is thicker than water" attitude towards family and his Islamophobia. He isn't very religious and writes most of it off as superstition. My mom is mainly blue with a little bit of orange. She is religious and holds family really dear. She also had very patriarchal notions regarding how to raise girls and what is sexuality. She also exhibits a lot of healthy blue including being disciplined, dutiful, honest, and controlled. Her orange side comes out whenever something bad happens. Like if I had a death in the family, she would just tell me something along the lines of be strong, be rational, don't feel. While she doesn't like Trump, she is a huge Modi supporter and loves the nationalism he brings. I feel like I am green moving into yellow with a little bit of orange I'm still working through. As a kid I was orange leaning towards green because of my environment outside of the house. I started moving towards more green and eventually yellow through education, self development, integration of the previous stages, and last but certainly not least, Leo's videos. My parents don't like each other and have frequent disagreements when it came to how to raise me and in terms of values. My mom is like a traditional brown mom and my dad is more rationalistic so as a result he often feels like she has regressive views on the world. I clash with both of them because I grew up in a different country than them (my mom grew up in India, dad in Bangladesh, me in the U.S.) and often times they aren't the most emotionally mature people because of how dogmatic they can be and how closed off to emotions they are. It was definitely chaotic growing up because we are all on such different places on the spiral especially since I felt that I out grew my parents at such a young age (and as a result had to guide myself through growing as a person). But when I started moving towards yellow, it became easier to deal with them because I know what was going on and what to push on when making my points to help them understand where I'm coming from. The relationship I have with both of my parents is complicated and difficult at times, especially when it comes to reaching out for emotional support, but for the most part I can get along with them. I still love them and I know they care about me and as a result I can still manage to connect with them and have a relationship even if they don't developmentally resonate with me.

This feels so childish and trivial to worry about I feel silly for being so sad about it. I'm aware that this is super petty.

12/28/2020 Food Diary Breakfast: Egg muffin with spinach, kale, bell peppers, onions, and turkey with a side of avocado: I really liked this breakfast from a couple days back so I decided to make this in bulk. This was super filling and I accidentally skipped lunch because of it. I simply forgot about lunch because I didn't feel hungry. Snack: 2 gluten free brownies: I really liked the brownies from yesterday so I decided to have more today a handful of peanuts: I was also in the mood for something crunchy Dinner: Sautéed pumpkin: Basically I cut a pumpkin into cubes and sautéed them in olive oil. I added cumin, red chili powder, turmeric, and a little bit of salt. Then I topped all of that off with cilantro. I normally eat this with roti but since I went gluten free, I didn't have this. Because I didn't have sautéed pumpkin for a long time, I was simply in the mood for it. Cauliflower fried rice: made with onions, bell peppers, and olive oil. I paired this with the pumpkins because I wasn't going to have roti Chicken: I made a small portion of chicken with a variety of seasonings that I grilled. Anything sugary note: I'm going to add this to the end of my food diary as a quick snapshot of my sugar intake so that I can be more mindful of it. gluten free brownies

A response to what I was feeling earlier

PCOS Update I'm going to start noting down things I have noticed regarding my period since the beginning of my journey. My period: November 11-13 2020: Had my period for the first time in months. It was pretty typical of my period. It lasted for 3 days with the 1st day being really painful. Normally my 1st and 2nd day are heavier while my 3rd day is when things wind down. My period is relatively light compared to that of moth people's This was the time when I got diagnosed with PCOS. December 5-6 2020: 32 days later I got my next period. It was really light with barely any bleeding. I did get pain but my period this time only lasted 2 days. I was slowly going gluten and dairy free at this time and soon I made this journal December 25-28 2020: 20 days later I get my period again. This 20 day cycle felt pretty short to me. Normally when my period is irregular, I go a long time without my period. It doesn't unexpectedly come early. This time the 1st day was very light similar to my period earlier this month, while the 2nd and 3rd day was normal. I also observed that I had little to no cramps during my period during this cycle and I think this might have to do with my changing diet and life style. Acne: I noticed that my acne, how frequently I break out, and the size of my breakouts have decreased upon cleaning up my diet. I still break out but it is very predictable, usually if I eat something I know I'm not supposed to, I know that I'm going to be greeted with a small juicy pimple the next morning. I use this as a measuring tool in regards to how my food is reacting inside my body as well as indication of whether I'm doing my diet right or whether I'm eating something that is irritating my system. Hair growth: I was growing a little bit of hair just under my jawline. I remember before starting this diet, it would grow and it would be difficult to remove because the hairs were so course and thick. Now those hairs have thinned out a little bit and they are easier to remove. They haven't decreased in quantity but it's a start in the right direction. Weight: I didn't lose any weight on the scale but I'm pretty sure I lost a couple pounds of fat here and there because when I try to go to sleep, I feel my hip bones and my rib cage. I notice that this happens when I lose fat on my body and it takes a minute for my body to get used to less cushion if that makes sense. I normally don't notice fat loss on the scale but I do notice it when I go to wear clothes and they feel looser when I put them on. I also noticed that I stopped bloating up ever since I stopped eating gluten. I'm pretty sure I had a gluten allergy before that was causing a lot of bloating. Physically this has made me feel lighter and more comfortable inside my body.

Strict I caught myself being rather rigid and perfectionistic with my diet. I know I'm trying my best to clean up my diet by eating more whole foods and vegetables but I also catch myself about to beat myself up from deviating from that. I had some cauliflower chips from a packet yesterday during the hike and part of me felt as if I was falling short of my diet goals. I felt the same way about the gluten free brownie, the chicken nuggets, and the chocolate chip cookie. I have made progress but when I catch myself slipping even on occasion, I can't help but notice how out of it I am. It was like I was on a roll and I messed up. I know this isn't a healthy attitude towards food and can mirror patterns in disordered eating. We can't be 100% perfect all the time and when it comes to healthy eating, it's best to aim for 80% because well, life happens. When I caught myself having these thoughts, I observed them to be mindful and take note of them but I also let them pass so I can enjoy the food that is in front of me instead of taking it for granted.

12/27/2020 Food Diary Breakfast: Banana with peanut butter and cinnamon: I know that today I'm planning on going for a hike with some friends so I decided to have a banana with peanut butter since I noticed that fills me up well because of the carbs from the banana and the protein / fats from the peanut butter that gives it the satiety factor. Lunch/ snacks: 1 banana, some grapes, and orange, a couple of gluten free brownies, and cauliflower chips: During the hike we stopped to eat. There was also bread and croissants but I didn't want any because first of all I'm still relatively full from the banana from the morning and second the gluten messes with me inside. This meal felt like a large accumulation of snacks that added up to a meal. Snack: 4 piece chicken nuggets from McDonalds: I caught myself having a headache after the hike as I was driving back home. I wondered if this had to do with me not eating enough so I went ahead to the McDonalds drive through to get myself something small so my head won't hurt just long enough to where I can get home and have the energy to make something. Dinner: Tomato soup: I was kinda lazy making dinner because I didn't want to eat but I'm also trying not to skip any meals so this is what I opted for. I realized that I wasn't feeling hungry and that my headache is likely from a head cold or allergies because after I ate the nuggets and this meal, my headache didn't improve at all. Taboule salad with a few olives: Wanted to get rid of the 3 left over olives in my fridge 1 handful of peanuts and flaxseeds: I just felt like it tbh. 1 cup of decaffeinated green tea: Even though I had some soup, I wanted something warm to help my scratchy throat. Wasabi: I just had this straight up without any other food because wasabi clears my nose. Snack: half of a chocolate chip cookie: I couldn't sleep last night because of my stuffed up nose so I started snacking Anything sugary note: I'm going to add this to the end of my food diary as a quick snapshot of my sugar intake so that I can be more mindful of it. chocolate chip cookie and brownie

I really need to develop my friendships and social circle more if I want to develop as a person. I need to bounce back my self actualization energy with other people so we can help and support one another on our journey through life, not because we need to support each other but because supplementing support can make foundations stronger. The biggest part of the battle is finding people. Once you find the right people, maintenance isn't to difficult IMO and experience.

Yeah engaging in fantasies is the opposite of being mindful in the moment. I'd say thoughts. What made you want to start watching in the first place as in what else is going on in your life to where you are either bored or distracted? Think about that. Also I'd recommend to think about how a lot of porn is created unethically and try to imagine what they people behind the screen possibly had to go through to produce what you're watching. I'm pretty sure you are explicitly aware of how porn can damage your brain so put the focus on that and how the sensations and thoughts you are getting play into that. That way you become implicitly aware of the damage as well. I know what I said might cause shame but I think that shame can also be dealt with awareness as well. To deal with the shame it is important to forgive yourself. Understand why this is so addictive and why you are getting sucked into it. This can be on a psychological level of how addiction works or on a very personal level of why you began doing what you're doing in the first place. By having that understanding and empathy for yourself and treating yourself gently, you can get rid of the shame and guilt surrounding it.

There is a difference between imbalances complementing each other on the same level to create a better whole because there are two parties bringing in different things to a relationship and a power imbalance. Like two people can come from completely different parts of life and have opposite energies that synergize in harmony to create a clearer picture. Both people benefit because they get exposed to different ideas and ways of looking at things. Like come on, dating someone who is equal to you on every level and someone who has very similar strengths and weakness can get boring because y'all aren't learning from each other. The point in this case is that learning and contributing in this type of relationship is reciprocal. When it comes to large age differences, it falls under power imbalances. Like as far as life experience and intellectual/ emotional stimulation, a 19 year old can get a lot of advice from a 30 year old but the 30 year old can't do the same because the older person is in a completely different life stage where he should be past whatever the 19 year old is going through. There isn't the same amount of relatability or reciprocity. Not to sound crude but when someone that old is going out with someone that young at best is totally a sex thing with no expectation for intellectual/ emotional stimulation and at worse the older person is getting psychologically stimulated by being able to emotionally manipulate young person so that they can have power over them.

Thought these two videos were interesting.

More about the all in approach from the previous video posted on this journal. This talks about how going all in can help reverse a damaged metabolism. I wouldn't be surprised if I had some type of metabolic damage from restrictive eating because I feel like if I go over 1300 calories that I'll gain a ton of weight. 2000 sounds waaay too much for me. I always rationalized this by the fact that I was 5'2" and shorter than most people. Granted there are tons of factors that goes into how many calories one needs so I can't say much about what I actually need. I find counting calories can get obsessive for me personally from past experiences with restrictive eating so now I try my best to eat til I'm full and eat whole foods so that I won't have to worry about counting calories. But now, I'm starting to think it might be important to count calories not to ensure that I'm at a deficit so I can lose weight but so that I know that I'm eating enough and that my body is getting the nourishment it needs.

Another video I found extremely fascinating

It worked pretty well for me in a variety of areas of life from procrastination, avoiding people that aren't good for me by understanding why I was drawn to them in the first place, eating habits, not being frustrated in family relationships or when dealing with people who aren't very conscious, and changing limiting beliefs.

12/26/2020 Food Diary Breakfast: I woke up and didn't want to eat because I had a bad body image day yesterday. I forced myself to make breakfast anyway and I motivated myself by making something new. Egg Muffin: All I did was get an egg, beat it, pour it into one of those cupcake baking tray after greasing it with a little bit of vegetable oil and add toppings. You can add what ever toppings you want and I'm planning on experimenting with this in the future since I liked it, but I added some kale, onion, garlic, tomato, and some left over turkey from my fridge. I then popped the whole thing into the oven for about 25 minutes and it came out looking like a fluffy muffin. I posted a video where I got this from earlier in my journal. I paired this with a little bit of avocado. I was surprised by how filling it was. Normally I have an egg and avocado for breakfast but I always feel the need to pair it with some toast. I didn't add a lot of vegetables to where it would really effect the amount of food. I think because the egg was fluffier like a muffin it felt more filling than it would if it was flat like the way I do my over hard eggs. Over all this was a success and I can see myself making these in bulk and putting them in the freezer to warm up every morning. Lunch: Kale salad: This salad had kale, red onion, yellow bell peppers, carrots, cherry tomatoes, flax seeds, tahini, cucumbers, artichoke and spinach hummus, and balsamic vinegar. I wanted something crunchy and I thought "hey I haven't had a salad in a long time" so I made myself this salad. I loved how colorful it was and the tahini made it more filling than I anticipated. The thing that surprised me about this salad is that it tasted sweet. I didn't add anything sugary or anything super sweet so that was a little odd but I didn't mind it. I think this has to do with me cutting out a lot of sugar in my diet to where now I pick up the natural sweetness of things more. Snack: Chocolate chip cookie: I had less than a fourth of this big chocolate chip cookie I found in the pantry. I was thinking of only having half of the cookie since it is so big but I couldn't get myself to eat the whole thing. Similar to the kale salad, it tasted much sweeter than normal, but in this case, the cookie was too sweet for me to eat so I put it back in the pantry. Dinner: Salmon: Wild caught salmon cooked in olive oil with garlic, Italian seasoning, red pepper powder, garlic powder, and parsley. I also included some onions. Kale salad: I had some kale salad left over from lunch because I made too much so I went ahead and ate that. I just didn't add more flax seeds to the mix. Snack: Gluten free brownie mix: I was making brownies for my friends and myself because I'm visiting them. I made some gluten free brownies from those box mixes you can find. I didn't eat any of the brownies but I did eat some of the batter off the sides of the bowl and from the spoon after I poured most of it in the tray to bake.

Cravings I noticed that after I started changing my diet, I haven't been craving things like I used to, especially sweet things. It isn't that I have to stop myself but it's that they aren't there in the first place. I think this might be because of my reduced sugar intake because everything is tasting sweeter, even things that I didn't originally think were sweet. I still have a sweet tooth and when I made a salad for lunch today, it had yellow bell peppers, tomatoes, red onion, kale, carrots, cucumber, artichoke and spinach hummus, tahini, flaxseeds, parsley, basil all topped with balsamic vinegar, the whole thing tasted sweet and tackled my sweet tooth weird enough. Also, when I do get cravings, they aren't nearly as strong as they used to be. Before it was like this thing that I had to satisfy. Now when I get a craving for a certain food, I can wait for a week or so before indulging without feeling any torture lol. I have been craving pizza for the last week or so. I haven't gotten it because my digestion has been a little off and I really want to fully clear up my skin but the craving hasn't been overwhelming . On one hand I want to go all out. I love vegetables on pizza but whenever I order pizza with my family, I'm usually limited to 3 toppings so that we can get whatever special deal they have and get multiple pizzas. But like I always wanted to order one pizza from dominos where I go all out and put everything that I could want in a pizza and have this super loaded pizza. On the other hand, I also want a super simple caprese pizza with mozzarella, sweet baked tomatoes, basil, and balsamic vinegar on a thin crust. I feel like this is on the other end of the spectrum when it comes to my loaded pizza. And as usual I'm always craving chocolate. I think I'm going to do what I did with the bread and cheese earlier where I let myself have a little bit of it every night until I got tired of it or it just lost it's novelty/ indulgent factor. As far as specifics goes, I want chocolate with some fruity elements to it whether it is chocolate covered blueberries, something with chocolate and raspberries, chocolate oranges, chocolate and coconuts (almond joy basically) or chocolate covered strawberries. I also really like chocolate and mint as well.

Christmas Cheer My family has never been really big on Christmas. We mainly get gifts for each other so we don't look like assholes and we decorate the house with lights. Growing up I envied people who would spend time with family on Christmas. I don't have extended family in the U.S. so it's really just me and my parents. I often feel lonely in this time of year. I feel uncared for and forgotten. I typically visit my relatives but they haven't visited us in 20 years. There isn't any bad blood from what I know, just procrastination. They are always like "oh we'll come next year" but that never happens. Those empty promises definitely messed with me when I was a kid. Then I went to therapy once I got to college. I sorted out a lot of the issues I had from my childhood. I also had the opportunity to go to India and Dubai during Christmas for 2018 and 2019. And after I healed myself, I realized how much I didn't enjoy being around the family that I would yearn to visit me. This is rather harsh I know but for the sake of privacy, lets just say that after I sorted out my dysfunction I noticed how dysfunctional everyone else was and how much I didn't want to be around that energy since I worked to hard to overcome my past issues. This year I am spending Christmas alone with my parents yet again since I can't travel. But for the first time in a long time, I don't mind. I guess sometimes you need a taste of what you think you want to get over it because you realize it isn't all that it seems. Experience slaps you back into reality. I enjoyed the peace of mind that I had during this Christmas.

I'm thinking of cutting out sugar from my diet but I'm not sure how to go about it or how far should I go. Lately, my sugar habits look like this. This probably isn't everything but it is everything I have thought of off the top of my head and from my food journal I keep Multiple times a week I have a banana with a little bit of honey. I'm not a huge fruit person but I really like bananas. Also I like lemons and limes in a variety of recipes. I'm huge on vegetables. To me some have a natural sweetness to them such as when it comes to tomatoes, red peppers, and celery. I like to chew gum I love chocolate. I don't have it in the house but I catch myself going a little crazy when I'm near it lol. I used to have sweetened vanilla almond milk every now (maybe a couple times every other week or so) but I switched to unsweetened fairly recently. I have a couple slices or one slice of gluten free toast every other day or so. I have a gluten free tortilla a couple times a week. Maybe once a month or so I might have a soda. I have ice cream like once every other week but I am in the process of cutting down. I like using balsamic vinegar in my salads. I'm trying to cut down on sauces but I do have them on occasion out of convenience. I also add sugar to coffee but I have coffee once every few months. I indulge with deserts when I'm at a social gathering or when I'm with friends. To go sugar free, should I cut out all fruit? Balsamic vinegar? Honey? Gum? Certain Vegetables? Am I having too much sugar? Idk, sometimes I think I am because I know that I have a sweet tooth. I'm also planning on cutting out even the gluten free grains in the future but I'm taking things one step at a time.