soos_mite_ah

1/13/2020 Food Diary I woke up with a headache and even though my stomach wasn't feeling hungry, I thought it would be a good idea to eat anyway. That was really the theme for today. Even if I didn't feel like I needed to eat from my stomach, I still made it a point to eat more than what I'm used to in order to ensure that my body gets what it needs. After all, I have goals pertaining to that. I made it my intention today that I'm going to eat more than what I'm used to in order to see what will happen and see if my headaches and nausea goes away. Breakfast: 2 gluten free pieces of toast with an avocado and an egg: Originally I thought about eliminating bread entirely from my diet, even the gluten free kind. I thought that maybe that would help with the insulin resistance that is related to my PCOS. Yeah, that's not a good idea, for me anyway. I need to get some carbs and I think that is one of the reasons why I have been getting these headaches. I'm not eating a crazy amount of refined grains and I think I should be fine considering I have a lot of vegetables (and now incorporating more fruits) in my diet. It's not like my diet only consists of simple carbs. A handful of grapes and some pineapple: I feel like part of me didn't gravitate towards fruits because I thought that they are filled with sugar and that they would mess me up. I'm starting to question that and incorporate more fruits into my diet. I think an easy way to start is just having some fruit on the side with my regular breakfast or maybe as some type of snack. A glass of water with half of a lemon: I'm just getting back into lemon water. Lunch: Gluten free spaghetti with shrimp: I used some onion, tomatoes, garlic, bell peppers, shrimp, tomato sauce, parsley and a bunch of different spices to make this spaghetti. As usual, my spaghetti tends to be mainly vegetables and meat if I include some rather than noodles, but I don't mind that since that is usually how I like my spaghetti. I opted for spaghetti instead of a salad or zucchini noodles because I'm trying to get in more carbs and see if that helps anything. Snack: A handful of peanuts: This will help my iron deficiency. A green apple: again, trying to get in more fruits. I ate this apple when I caught myself feeling tired towards the evening and I found that it helped. Because I ate breakfast and ate a heavier lunch, I found myself feeling less tired around this time of day even though I still wanted to doze off. Dinner: Black eye pea salad with some spinach: I just had some of this salad remaining in the fridge and thought that I'd finish it up. 2 pieces of salmon: Trying to make dinner a little heavier than what I'm used to. Normally I opt for only one piece of salmon. Overall, I felt more energetic today, my mood felt more stable, and my headaches, though they were there, only lasted for a brief amount of time (maybe 45 minutes total in the entire day). I mainly felt tired in the evening but after I ate dinner, I felt energized again. I'm really starting to think that my tendency to want to take a nap in the afternoon/ evening is related to how much food is in my system. I also had a doctor's appointment today, specifically for the PCOS. I told him what I was doing with my diet and how I was feeling both in terms of the PCOS symptoms but also the headaches and the nausea that I was experiencing. He told me that it is likely that this is due to me restricting my calories too much and restricting too many carbs. And if I restrict more carbs, the headaches are going to get much worse and so will the PCOS symptoms. So, taking this into consideration, the gluten free toast, the gluten free spaghetti, and the gluten free tortillas are here to stay.

I mean I haven't been to a strip club so I don't know. I imagine that I'd think they were attractive but would I want to do anything physical or go on a date with them, probably not. I'm also more into subtlety and lightheartedness when it comes to I guess flirting or the way a guy approaches me. A guy stripping and giving me a lap dance aint it even if I think he is hot.

We get turned on by looks just as much as men do but we still take other factors into consideration. You can be hot as hell and that might give you more leeway and more of a margin of error if you are awkward, but creepy is still creepy even if you are hot. Social skills and emotional intelligence is crucial since for us attraction is also emotional/ psychological. So yeah we get turned on by looks a lot but that's not the only thing we get turned on by nor is it the only thing that is important. Exactly! The way you carry yourself and present yourself is super important. I would put the way you carry yourself as an intersection between looks and personality tbh.

@Nahm Thank you so much, this clears somethings up. This was super helpful

So, please correct me if I'm misunderstanding anything, what I'm getting is that I need to: find a silver lining in this situation and take advantage of it figure out a way that I can have my situation help my life purpose or simply ignore everything and focus on my purpose transcend what I find good and bad about reality and see it as neutral to the point the so called "bad stuff" doesn't get to me anymore because those labels (good and bad) are nothing more than a construction of my mind and the way the ego sees the world as things benefiting it and the stuff it relates to release the resistance I have with my parents by realizing that the reason why it gets under my skin is because what they are saying is deep down inside resonating with something inside me that I have yet to address.

@Nani I'm so sorry that you're going through all that. I cant say that I have the answers to what you're dealing with as I dont have experience with porn addiction and I'm not the best at describing free will vs determinism. But I do recommend starting another topic expressing your concerns to increase your chance of visibility with this set of issues. I hate to say it, but I dont think it really fits with the contents of this thread or original post.

A note to self on things I'm going to try to implement Make sure I eat enough calories. I don't like counting calories but I guess I can ensure I get more calories by not shying away from healthy calorie dense foods that are a good source of fat and protein such as meat, nuts, and seeds. This is going to help me get a better metabolism since I did have a history of restrictive eating. Incorporate more fruits in my diet. I know some time in this journal before I talked about how I don't get enough natural sweetness in my diet and as a result I crave a lot of chocolate. I also talked about possibly not getting enough carbs and wanting to eat fruits more because they are simply not present in my diet. Incorporating more fruits can deal with all of these. Eat breakfast regularly. This will help me get in more calories, boost me metabolism, and reduce any cravings I might have. It can also prevent me from feeling hangry or sad since sometimes those have a biological explanation which in this case is hunger, even if I don't feel it in my stomach. Also another thing that will help my metabolism. Try to exercise a little bit more. It doesn't have to be much or be super strenuous. I'm planning on going on walks and doing a workout or two video from YouTube. Incorporate foods that help with your iron deficiency. These include: Dark Green Leafy Vegetables (I personally like eating spinach and kale so I guess I could increase the amount I eat) Nuts (Eat these on a regular basis as well, usually peanuts but I can diversify with almonds, cashews, and macadamia nuts if I want) Beans & Red Lentils (I like eating these so I guess I can bump up the frequency by incorporating them into more of my meals I already eat) Pumpkin Seeds (also great hormonal balancers for the PCOS)] (might want to try that out) Broccoli (already in my diet) Millet, Buckwheat, Amaranth (literally never had these so there is an opportunity to try something new) Dark Chocolate (My favorite lol. But I still need to consider the quality by ensuring that it is dairy free, low sugar, and high fiber)

1/12/2021 Food Diary Ok y'all I'm back from my little food diary break. One thing I realized that for the most part I am able to sustain habits like being gluten and dairy free and reducing the amount of sugar I am having without having to track everything I eat. That's good because to me that means that this is becoming a habit rather than something that I have to constantly track and obsess over. Of course, I have been more lenient with myself such as the time I let myself use some greek yogurt for a zucchini pasta recipe and I have let myself eat chocolate but I think that's good for ensuring that I don't put myself into a restrictive and perfectionistic mindset. Breakfast: 1 slice of gluten free toast with half of an avocado and an egg: Usual breakfast no big deal. I decided that I'm going to make it a point to eat breakfast regularly since I am getting headaches and nausea from not eating enough. Because I often skip breakfast, adding in breakfast will help me get in extra calories. Lunch: My usual zucchini noodles: I guess I'm not going to go super into detail with what I'm putting into certain dishes because I don't want to be too repetitive that is unless I did so something different. This time I added some chicken to my usual bowl of noodles just to get in some more protein and increase the satiety factor. Garlic bread: I took some regular bread and put this garlic butter spread on it which I made by mixing regular butter, garlic powder, and parsley together. Normally I am gluten free but I have noticed myself getting a lot of headaches. At first I thought maybe it had to do with me not eating enough but I found that even after eating I would get these migraines. I then hypothesized that maybe this is because I'm not getting enough carbs so that's why I opted for the regular bread since gluten free bread doesn't have as many carbs. And thankfully, I didn't have a headache for the rest of the day after eating this. Snack: A handful of peanuts Dinner: Black Eyed Pea salad: Has cucumbers, tomatoes, red bell peppers, black eyed peas, flax seeds and parsley. I had this with a little bit of ranch that I'm trying to get rid of. More of the same zucchini noodles: I made too much for lunch so I decided to have whatever was remaining for dinner. It was still a good amount but paired with the salad, it was filling and I didn't have any problems with feeling hungry afterwards. Snack: Lemon water: I mentioned in a post that I'm going to try to have more fruits in my diet, specifically more fruits with water because I miss having that. I cut up a couple slices of lemon and put it in some water and drank that. After that I ate the lemon slices and like half of the lemon as if it was an orange by eating everything except the outer skin. I know that's a little strange but I like lemons as a fruit instead of just something to squeeze on to something for extra flavor. I'm the same with limes as well.

Migraines, Nausea, Fatigue, and Bloating.... Fun Times So for the last few days I have been dealing with these head aches with a little bit of nausea and fatigue mixed in. I thought maybe this is because I'm not eating enough. I tried eating a little bit more despite how I was physically feeling. The fatigue, nausea, and the bloating initially made me not want to eat. After eating I noticed my bloating and my fatigue go away so I'm pretty sure that was the culprit. I get this feeling that because I cut out most grains from my diet that as a result I also cut a lot of calories. Because I cut so many calories, my body basically went into starvation mode. I found it weird that I was getting tired and bloated by not eating because I guess in my mind I associate being tired and bloated from eating too much, you know that overly stuffed wanting to go into food coma situation you fall into after having a large meal. And as a result, when I felt myself getting bloated and tired, because I know it isn't due to any food allergies since I am still going along with being gluten and dairy free, I restricted food even more thinking maybe this is because I'm eating too much. Then my situation got worse and I found out that I was actually feeling tired and getting bloated because I wasn't eating enough. As for the nausea and the migraines, I have had to still deal with that. I felt a little better after making myself eat more but I found that the nausea and the migraines were still there. They aren't super bad and rather slight but it is something that is noticeable. Whenever I caught myself feeling nauseated or with a headache, given my issue with not eating enough, my instinct was to eat something, usually like a fruit or a little bit more food when lunch or dinner rolled around. That helped but then I would notice the headache and the nausea come back after a couple hours. Today I felt the headache come in but not the nausea. I wondered if this was because I wasn't having enough carbs in my diet. This wasn't my first instinct because I believe I have a lot of carbs in my diet because I eat a lot of vegetables (my first instinct was that I wasn't eating enough but then again even after eating I would still have the headache). But I didn't rule it out because I know that I did cut a lot of carbs from my diet by going gluten free and just cutting down on grains because of my PCOS. Apparently after a quick google search, nausea, fatigue, and headaches are common when you do a ketogenic diet because of the drop in carbs. That felt odd because I don't think I was doing anything out of the ordinary. The only thing I can think of was that I was eating chocolate for a couple days and then completely stopped because I ran out and wasn't craving it enough to go buy more. I certainly wasn't trying to go keto either. But nevertheless, I tried to test this out. I got a slice of regular bread, made some garlic butter using garlic powder, parsley, and butter, spread it on the slice of bread, and popped it into the toaster to make garlic bread. After eating the garlic bread, I found myself feeling better. I didn't have a migraine or nausea during the entire day, so I think that did the trick. I'm also going to make a point to eat breakfast more frequently and make that into a daily habit. I found that on days where I didn't have breakfast, the symptoms were worse. Also I need to increase the carbs in my diet as well as the calories so that I can ensure that I am eating enough.

Thoughts of Dating for a Short Term Relationship I talked about my prolonged sense of emotional thirstiness with a therapist the other week and I learned to see my desire in a different light. I'll explain what's going on with me just for a quick summary about my history with wanting to be in a relationship so that there is some context to my post. Also, the way I'm defining short term relationship is a committed relationship that lasts for 4-9 months. I have been wanting to date and be in a relationship since I was 16 (I'm 21 now). While I was in high school, I didn't let myself date because I was living in a chaotic household and was really depressed, anxious, and busy with school the entire time. I thought *hey maybe I should work on myself and sort out my issues before jumping into something so that I don't end up in a situation with a guy who will treat me badly.* And to this day I think that was a smart move. Probably saved me from a toxic situation or two. When I got to college and I started going to therapy, because I started feeling better and because in my past I told myself I could date once I solve all of my issues, I had a lot of repressed desire to go out, date, and flirt with guys come up. Most of the dates I went on were pretty mediocre so nothing really came of it but that's around the time when I began recognizing my repressed desire to romantically connect to someone. I told myself hey there is nothing wrong with dating and flirting with people but I wasn't going to get into a relationship until I know that I can be emotionally stable for 1 entire year. That means that I'm depression and anxiety free for an entire year. I said one year because to me that meant that the stability I had was consistent. I told my therapist about all of this, how I fall asleep every night cuddling a pillow and creating romantic scenarios in my head before I fall asleep, and how most of my thoughts when I'm not preoccupied with anything revolve around fantasies about being in a relationship. I also told him that while I had this want to get into a relationship, I was also scared that I wasn't stable enough for one. He told me that hey even if you are dealing with a little bit of anxiety and depression, you can still get those needs and experiences fulfilled. Now if it was in a situation where the anxiety and depression was debilitating, that's another story, but if you find yourself managing it, there is nothing wrong with putting yourself out there. I told him that I was concerned with codependency, choosing a partner that wasn't good for me, and a plethora of other issues that could come from dating when you don't have your shit together. And to me, having everything together at this moment means that I am depression and anxiety free for a year, I am on top of my game academically, I have a thriving social circle, and I have a job lined up because that way I can ensure myself that I am confident enough to stay away from people who aren't good for me. To that my therapist responded by telling me that I'm pretty self aware about the potential traps that I could fall into given my anxiety and depression and that being aware of those traps and thinking through them is enough to avoid a lot of bad situations. And if I find myself in those situations where it is leading to that direction, I can set boundaries or even get out of the relationship. I'm not bound to it forever. Finally, there is nothing wrong with dating while you're still a work in progress because technically, everyone is a work in progress regardless on where they are in their lives. I think that's what I want to emphasize to myself, that I can date and put myself out there while still being a work in progress, that I don't have to be perfect in order to date. I also want to emphasize that I can get into a relationship and not be bound to it long term. That's a conclusion that I came to. I'm don't feel like I'm ready for a long term relationship that lasts a couple years but I also really want to scratch that emotionally thirsty itch to get a romantic equivalent of post nut clarity (I'm sorry I don't know how else to phrase it lmao ). Part of me isn't ready for a long term relationship because, first of all, I have never been in a relationship and I have limited experience with guys so it's like going from 0-100 real quick. Another part of me wants to focus on other aspects of my life and not get too off balance. And finally, getting into a short term relationship can be like a long term relationship in training wheels of sorts. It will also challenge this notion that I have where I feel like I have to be perfect and fully actualized before putting myself out there. But I haven't thought of getting into a short term until now. To me that wasn't even an option that came to my mind. For me, in my head, my options were the following from least committed to most committed: (LEAST COMMITTED) A series of one night stands: I want to explore my sexuality more but personally I feel like I need to establish some type of trust and emotional connection before getting into bed with someone for quality sex. Plus I'm terrified of increasing risk of STDs from having numerous partners. I know condoms are a thing but still. (KINDA COMMITTED BUT NOT REALLY- BUT IT ISN'T TOO COMPLICATED) Friends with benefits: This takes care of the trust aspect of the equation because you know the person to some extent. But for me, I want that emotional connection. I know damn well that I am the type of person that would associate sex and having romantic feelings and I don't want to put myself in a position where I get attached to someone in a situation where I'm supposed to keep things no strings attached. Seems very unfair and drama inducing to me and the other person. (KINDA COMMITTED BUT NOT REALLY- IT'S COMPLICATED) Situationships: I would also put "situationships" in the same category as friends with benefits except to me the lines and the communication of a situationship is even more blurry to where one party thinks it has a potential to be a relationship while the other is leading them on or some variation of conflicting expectations. It's even messier than friends with benefits because at least with a friends with benefits both parties are in the same page regarding expectations. To a certain extent, labels are important and I want to know what I'm getting into because I'm not about to waste my time and put my heart in a position where I'm basically being scammed by a fuck boy. (FULLY COMMITTED) Long term relationship: This takes care of the trust and the emotional connection/ romantic piece of the puzzle. But like I mentioned before in this post, I don't feel like I'm fully ready for a long term relationship. Plus when I catch myself wanting a relationship, I don't fantasize about the friendship aspects that are really supposed to create the foundation for a good long term relationship. And part of it is because I'm really emotionally thirsty and I need the romantic equivalent of post nut clarity. I should probably take that out of my system before getting into a serious relationship. In my opinion, a short term relationship falls in between kinda committed and fully committed. It's more like you are casually committed. You can have that romantic/ emotional aspect as well as the trust aspect in the relationship and yall are committed to each other but it isn't an all in type of commitment. With a short term relationship I can release the built up desire for wanting a relationship but I'm not getting into anything too too serious if that makes sense. It would also make dating less daunting for me because I feel like because of my perfectionistic tendencies, I find myself treating dating as a minefield of crazy people instead of something that I can have fun with. I'm really rigid about what I do and don't want in a partner, and don't get me wrong having those standards are necessary and important, but when it dips into the territory of being rigid and nitpicking someone, it goes too far. And I feel that if I were to get into a relationship knowing that it isn't super serious, I wouldn't be so perfectionistic with what kind of person I'm looking to date because I don't feel like I'm going all in with a person.

I feel that often times when people believe that they are better off 100% solo in many cases say that because they didn't have quality relationships and therefore they generalize and believe that all relationships are like that. I think people's social needs can vary in a wide range but even if you have a very small need for socialization, that is still there. Just a thought.

I was talking about the whole thing with the Trump mob rushing into the capitol and causing mayhem. Apparently there were also explosive devices found near by, there were people who went in with the intent of taking hostages, and a bunch of people also wanted to assassinate Mike Pence as well as Nancy Pelosi. I'm currently studying management international relations and human rights. I'm not 100% sure what I want to be in life but I know that I want to do something that helps businesses operate more smoothly both for the sake of efficiency but also so that people are being treated fairly since work does impact quality of life. I really care about wealth inequality and worker's rights. My light at the end of the tunnel right now is moving out of my parent's house and regaining my sanity after all of this so that I can feel like myself again. Working towards that type of authenticity so I can live my best life is super important to me. I'm also super interested in anything related to the social sciences and understanding how people work whether it is individually, collectively, or within systems. I'm trying to keep myself busy by finding things I think are interesting and nerding out about them. That's another way I have been coping with all of this. I look at the chaos in the world, analyze it, go all mad scientist on the topic since I'm already ruminating, and try to find something to learn or nerd out about it. I also do this to a certain extent with my parents where I like to psycholanalyze them because it helps me understand where they are coming from meaning whatever they are doing doesn't feel super personal to me and therefore relieves the frustrations that comes with a gap in understanding. It also helps me to distance myself from the situation a little bit and take on a more observer role instead of being consumed in the chaos.

Thought these were interesting videos Personally I can't say that I know what men go through when it comes to body image but I can say that I grew up around a lot of guys who didn't have the healthiest outlook towards their bodies and went to extremes to get shredded. I feel that working out automatically has this connotation with being healthy and as a result, when people would look at guys who had horrible body dysmorphia go to the gym all the time, it was seen as them "being healthy." I have this one cousin who works out constantly, weighs himself everyday, and can't even enjoy food anymore because of these standards. It really hurts me to see him in that way and I did try to check up on him but I also know there is only so much I can do and that I couldn't be too confrontational about it especially since I'm not super close to him. And the rest of my family is all like "oh he is so into fitness, he needs to keep doing what he is doing etc" and they completely ignore what's going on mentally. There is the notion with fitness always being painted in a healthy light and there is also whole notion of men not being able to have eating disorders but that's a whole nother topic and it greatly has to do with masculinity, needing help, and the stigma around mental illness for men because it isn't seen as manly or strong to have emotions. I believe there needs to be much more awareness around men's issues when it comes to body image because in most of the cases the conversations revolve around women's beauty standards. I get why. Society places much more value on the way a woman looks and women are bombarded with a ton of bs. But completely ignoring the other end of the spectrum with men is also super harmful because being insecure about the way your body looks and going on diets and exercise regimes that can be dangerous to one's health isn't limited to gender. I also found a comment under the men's body image video to be pretty interesting. It was basically summing up the way I felt watching the video: "It’s funny how many/most people are more attracted to average than to extremes, but media portrays beauty in extremes, i.e., straight women, on average, are attracted to men with “average” bodies, and straight men, on average, are attracted to women with “average” bodies, but media makes us believe that only super skinny women and super ripped men are attractive." Yeah and I think part of the reason why these extremes are more pronounced in the media is because there needs to be an element of shock factor that engages a viewers attention so the media take standards that were already present in society and they go above and beyond. There is that, but there is also the obvious culprits of people trying to sell you shit. Like the comment, I agree that most people are still attracted to average. I don't even think being average looking is even an insult tbh. But because of the way that the media exaggerates things and makes things larger than life, it makes it seem that way, as if average isn't good enough. And personally, body type hasn't really been in my mind when I look at a guy and think he is attractive. I have liked chubbier guys, skinny guys, and even guys who work out. I have a whole range tbh. I guess my only preference is when it comes to height where I prefer guys who are 5'6" to 5'9" because I'm a short person and really tall guys low key scare me. But even then I wouldn't reject someone because of height, that's dumb. I thought the comment section of the Ugly Duckling video to be gold so I included a few of the comments below: "It's interesting how the ugly duckling trope also coincides with the "I'm not like other girls trope" of the 90s and early 2000s. Like on one hand, only girlie girls are considered datable and worthy of getting the guy but then on the other, we praise the "tomboy" or the "nerdy" type and often pit her against the girlie girl and SHE ends up getting the guy in the end. Examples I always think of are "10 things I hate about you" and "a cinderella story". It's almost like women can never win. /s lol Also Mean Girls was ahead of it's time. ALL women are amazing and we are not each other's competition." "I think the thing I wish these movies did, was portray these glow ups as girls taking care of themselves if they were neglecting themselves before. Girls having the confidence to wear clothes they wanted to wear, not wearing what's on trend. They all transform into one specific type of eurocentric beauty standard woman, instead of actually becoming confident versions of themselves which just sucks." "Here's the thing. As a woman myself, some DO find empowerment in embracing more 'feminine' traits or 'looking like a sexy bad bitch' or feeling great and powerful in flowy dresses and all of that is fine! What bothers me is how forced it is. If a woman (or man or non-binary) wants to go through a makeover because they decide it could help their sense of confidence, which a makeover is sometimes able to do, I think it's awesome and incredibly empowering. But in all these damn movies, the makeover is FORCED upon them to please OTHERS, not themselves. And most people I know who do makeovers isn't because they were ugly before, it's just they need a change and sometimes a physical change can help in that - which is A okay." "The worst thing is I think there is definitively room for this "makeover" trope to be used in an actually empowering way. If I think about moments where my style has drastically changed in my own life, it has more to do with gaining confidence, finding new interests i want to echo in my clothes or emancipating from my parents than trying to look good for a boy or whatever. I think presenting a girl or woman having a style change for any of these reasons, basically just because she is evolving, growing, getting bolder, would have way more of an impact and would be more enjoyable to watch (at least to me). Also this way it doesn't have to go from "neglected"/"boyish" to "feminine" automatically which I kind of hate as well haha." The Kardashians are a whole mess tbh and there is a lot I could say about them but I will save them for another day.

I guess I should give some more context to my situation: I have been trapped in a house with my parents since March and given the situation with COVID, I won't be returning to my college campus until late August. My parents, though they may be a bit annoying and toxic, are people I can for the most part deal with if I am in the position where I have to. But, because I have to be with them all the time, it started taking a toll on me. I'm trying to take it one day at a time but honestly, this feels like it's dragging on forever. I am coping by staying in my room most of the time so I can minimize the amount of time I spend with them, take the initiative to do most of the errands in the house so that I have an excuse to go out (and as a plus this looks good for me in their eyes), and increase the amount of healthy influences in my life even if it is just watching educational YouTube videos. I can't really go out much because my parents are super paranoid about COVID and they are at risk. Still, I find even with doing all of this to cope, I still feel that my sanity is being chipped away because I never had to deal with a situation like this for such a prolonged period of time. There is so much isolation I feel with the rest of the world and with my general circle and a computer screen only does so much. Additionally, speaking of the pandemic and the general trauma regarding 2020 (and i guess also moving into 2021 since the U.S. capitol basically came under attack), I feel like I'm in a chaotic place. All I see is bad news and the world going up in flames. I've never been the type of person that gets super phased by this type of stuff because I can often see how conflict can lead to growth on the collective. But I will be honest, I am finding myself getting exhausted and worn out because it is one disaster after another. I have stopped watching the news for the most part, I have decreased the amount of time I spend on social media so that I don't have to deal with the constant influx of doom and gloom from people talking about disaster 24/7, and I have limited the time I spend with my mom since she is always in a panicked state because she is glued to the computer checking the number of COVID cases. I'm not in the place financially or logistically where I can up and leave my parent's house. And I sure as hell don't have the power to calm down the chaos that is taking place in the world right now. If I could, I would escape to another dimension and come back once Earth is done throwing a tantrum. But I can't change or get out of my situation. I now need healthy ways to cope so that I can ride this thing out and come out not completely in pieces at the end of the tunnel once this is all over.

Bump!

That makes sense. Bottling things up has more to do with avoidance than anything. But I guess my thing is that only relying on journaling and self talk as opposed to reaching out to other people in certain circumstances can sometimes cause people to be in the head too much causing them to ruminate and then consequently slowing down the rate of progress/ emotional healing. I think this is more of a case by case thing where it depends on the person, their needs, and the context of the situation. As it was covered elsewhere on this thread, preaching this lone wolf mentality can be detrimental to a large portion of people who have a need to connect to others. It can be really beneficial for some people to be alone especially if you weren't surrounded by the healthiest people before, if you are a person who really thrives off of that, or you are aiming to have an ascetic sort of lifestyle.

Changing Beauty Standards I think it's kind of ridiculous to chase after beauty standards since they are moving target often dependent on where a society is at as well as how it is reacting to the standard coming before it. Even if you do a ton of dieting and plastic surgery to meet an ideal, that ideal can easily change and then you are left behind. I remember once I was watching an early 2000s classic, Mean Girls, and there was a scene where Regina George gained weight and someone said "watch where you're going, fatass" and basically the scene insinuated that Regina was getting too fat as she gained weight on the lower half of her body which is why she can't fit into her regular pants anymore. I know in the early 2000s, the ideal was very skinny, very Paris Hilton like. But my friends and I were watching this in 2016, 12 years after the movie came out, and we were like "nah but Regina getting thic tho" as if it's a good thing because in the 2010s people want to have butts and look like a Kardashian. My point is that beauty is subjective and culturally we change a lot about our opinion on what is beautiful. I remember in the early 2000s, the idea was basically Paris Hilton and the goal was to get as skinny as possible. And I remember as a kid seeing a bunch of celebrities having to go to the hospital or die because of anorexia from one of those entertainment news networks that is basically televised tabloids (my mom always had the TV on to that channel because she was interested in celebrity gossip). Years later, I see this parallel of people in the public eye going too far. Now, I don't see as many of those cases involving anorexia but I do see cases of influencers who get incredibly botched because of the amount of plastic surgery they got to look like Kylie Jenner and how their butt/ boob implants malfunction causing them to have a medical emergency. Before there were diet pills and even though you can still find those, I would say Fit Tea has taken the center stage. I don't know what is in that tea or how it tastes but I have heard that it is essentially a laxative in tea form. Before photoshop was rampant in making people look impossibly skinny to where you question where a person's organs are at and now we have face tune making people's ass look much bigger than proportionally possible. It's the same structure, just different content. As for my personal experience, I remember being bullied for being "thic" growing up but then I got to high school, the Kardashian's took center stage, and suddenly I kept getting complimented on my body. I had a couple of girls tell me that I'm basically the ideal and that so many women would spend a ton of money on plastic surgery to have a body like mine. I know this person didn't mean anything bad given the context of our conversation, she was probably just saying that I was beautiful in an exaggerated way and that I don't need to worry about the insecurities I do have in regards to my size since I fit the standard. But I can't say that this made me feel beautiful. If anything, it a way it made me feel objectified, not sexually, but in the sense that my body is a trend. And I think that's messed up. Women's bodies aren't trends and having a particular standard that changes not only creates a moving target which can be a breeding ground for neurotic behavior, but also objectifies women. Human bodies are too complex and diverse to fit into one set mold of what is considered attractive. And as long as there is one set standard, no matter how seemingly realisitc, it will always be out of reach for many women purely on the basis of diversity. I know that a lot of the reasons why the trend now is to have curves is because eventually people started seeing the limitations of being extremely skinny. I remember there is this one music video on YouTube (can't remember what it was), but I remember in 2009 scrolling through the comments and people were talking about how all the girls just need to eat a sandwich because they are too skinny. Fast forward to 2019, that same video was met with comments saying "oh look how natural and achievable their bodies are, goes to show you don't need implants." Changing from the 2000s extremely skinny standard of beauty to the 2010s extremely voluptous standard of beauty didn't do anything to progress our consciousness in this area and they way that we look at beauty standards rather it just swung the pendulum to the opposite direction and took it to the extreme. Again, same structure, just different content. So when did this structure of a standardized ideal of a women's body begin? A lot of it began in the early 20th century as more and more clothes began being made in factories as opposed to in the home. At one point it became much more convenient to go out and buy ready made clothes as opposed to making your own. This create a shift from altering your clothes to make the making clothes fit you to altering your body through diet and exercise in order to fit ready made clothes. Consequently, the fashion industry started playing a much larger role in regards to body image. Whatever body type suited the clothes that are currently on trend is the body type that became the ideal. In the early 2000s, it was all about low waisted jeans. And there are people who look amazing in low waisted jeans, particularly really skinny people. Personally, my ass has always been too big and I would have to pull up low waisted jeans constantly and that just wasn't fun. Also I don't have a perfectly flat stomach or abs so low waisted jeans have always been at the bane of my existence because at least with high waisted things, it sucks you in more. But then in the 2010s, high waisted jeans came back and suddenly everyone wanted an impossibly thin waist and a big butt. Idk maybe this is just me but some really skinny people, don't look right in high waisted jeans. Like if you don't have a large difference in measurement between your waist and your hips, your butt and your back sort of blend together. And it's like you also need a butt to fill out high waisted jeans especially high waisted shorts, and sometimes it just doesn't work for skinny people. Aint nothing wrong with skinny people, it's just that different trends suit different people and it's also important to accept yourself and find something that works for you instead of forcing yourself to work with what's popular. But yeah, jean styles for example in the early 2000s vs the 2010s do mirror the body ideals from those decades. I found a lot of other parallels with other decades in the 20th century as well with fashion trends from different decades. I had to study all of this for a semester because I took a class on modern fashion, mainly focusing on the 1910s to the 1950s but I can apply the concepts to the modern day as well. It was probably hands down one of the most interesting classes I took in college and I took it to fill some type of requirement so I wasn't thinking too much about it when I chose the class. I didn't expect much from the class but I was surprised to find that the whole class was set up like this art history type of course and I got to learn about how beauty standards come about and why some fashion trends come and go as well as the historical context for all of that. We talked about history, politics, sociology, psychology, manufacturing, mass media and publishing, gender norms, body image, and of course why Coco Chanel was a bad bitch.

I was about to comment something along those lines. I think travelling can be very helpful to self actualization depending on why you are travelling. If you are travelling for more hedonistic reasons such as partying in foreign countries to get fucked up, solely for food and sex, or doing it to fulfill some impulse control you might have (but then again, maybe blowing off steam is what you need depending on where you are in your journey, idk its a case by case basis). But travelling with the desire to learn about new places and cultures, their history, their norms, their way of life, figuring out how to be more independent and adaptive, and finally taking wisdom from perspectives radically different from your own is a great way to develop yourself and open up your mind.

@Leo Gura I know that it's good to be independent and self sufficient when it comes to dealing with your own problems, but isn't it good and often more efficient when it comes to healing to lean on high quality people/ relationships for help when you need it? I'm not saying completely becoming dependent on them but I guess depending on the case, you could also swing too far in the other direction where you bottle everything up inside and don't let anyone help you which then hinders or slows down the growth process.

And Speaking of Things That are Weird and Bizarre.... This is basically my sense of humor at this point I watched one of their movies as a kid but I never watched the show so yeah this really is out of context for me lol.

Snow in Texas VID_63460312_211209_197.mp4 It snowed for the first time in 5 years in my area. Normally during this time of year, we get rain that freezes into ice on the road once temperatures hit below freezing, or we get hail. I woke up and saw my neighborhood enveloped in white. I always thought snow was beautiful, granted it's probably because I haven't felt it's wrath since I don't live far up north to experience anything like that. It just brightens everything up imo. It also reminds me of this one time it snowed a foot and a half in my area. I was 10 years old. It finally snowed enough to where I could play in the snow. Before when it snowed there was only enough to where I could make an 8 inch tall snowman with a couple of snowballs. But this time, I could make an actual snowman. I also had school that day and I remember all of us were begging to go outside during recess. My class made an igloo together and had a snow ball fight. And then the day after that school got cancelled mainly because Texans are terrified of snow since none of us really know how to drive in this weather. People were running to the grocery store and grabbing food like it was the apocalypse. That was entertaining and as a child I was excited that I got to get time off of school because that meant that I could have more time to play in the snow. .... that excitement only lasted for 5 days. The power went out in my house on the 5th day and as a result there was no heat or electricity. Thankfully the fireplace was a gas powered fire place so we had some heat. But yeah we couldn't cook anything and we couldn't get food anywhere because all of the food places were closed because of lack of power. We ate cold pizza that we bought a few days back. That wasnt fun. It went like this for 3 days and by the end of that I really wanted to go back to school lmao. So far it has only snowed 3 in. I woke up, made myself some hot chocolate and watched the snow fall. I just let myself be at peace as the snow gently fell to the ground. It's been 2 hours and I have been watching it gradually accumulate. I may be doing the most and I'm pretty sure I would look and sound insane to anyone who lives in an area where it snows often, but even though I have seen snow in other areas many times, Texas snow just feels special to me because it happens so rarely. It's so beautiful and foreign at the same time to where my first thought is met with confusion followed by a second thought of awe. This type of thing really makes my day. I find joy at marveling at things that seem odd and bizarre.

Fashion and the Sexualization of Curvier Bodies One of the many reasons why women are drawn to dieting, losing weight, or may consider wanting to change some aspect of their body is because they want to look good in certain clothes. And I will admit that I am one of those people. One thing that fashion does not consider at all is people with big boobs (and, well, bigger people in general). Personally, I find it difficult to find clothes that fit me properly. Either a shirt fits me on the chest and is super loose for the rest of my body causing this tent like effect that makes me look like I'm 3 times my actual size or a shirt fits the rest of my body well but it is tight around the chest causing me to look like I'm about to take a seat on the black casting couch. There isn't anything wrong with the later when I'm trying to find clothes for clubbing because well everything looks oversexualized on me but there's one problem, I don't go partying and I don't need clothes like that in my wardrobe for an occasion that very rarely comes. And I find ill fitting to walk into class or work looking like a big titty anime girl. There is a time and place for those things. But why does fashion ignore people with bigger boobs, or hell curvier women in general? I guess to figure that out, it can be helpful to understand why fashion prefers really tall and skinny models. Well it began as something that was out of convenience. Taller skinnier people are kind of like hangers. When designing clothes, it's easier to make clothes on a more standard neutral body (idk how else to really phrase it) than to have to take into consideration different curves and shapes. While I understand it's out of convenience, to me it also feels like incompetence. That's like a hair stylist saying that they only know how to style straight hair because it is easier to work with. Not only are you excluding a large group of people that may want your services and give you money (more on that and how it relates to fashion later), but you are also showing your lack of versatility and a presence of laziness in your craft. Another reason why fashion doesn't want to have curvier models is because they believe that the curves will distract a person from the clothes themselves. I remember reading this one article about how in the 1950s, they wouldn't let Marilyn Monroe model any clothes because they thought that people would be too distracted by her boobs and her butt to pay attention to what she was actually wearing. First of all, that is just plain sexualization. If you're distracted by Marilyn's figure, it's not her problem or the designer's problem, it's yours. Second, the whole beauty with fashion as an art form is that fashion is a functional part of every day life. Key word: functional. So in my opinion, if it doesn't even work for a large portion of people, what does it say about the functionality and again, versatility of the design? Finally, fashion ignores curvier women because, well it can and it wants to. It isn't exactly a very inclusive industry. But regardless of what beauty standard you have, it will always exclude the vast majority of women because women are very diverse and there isn't one look that fits a large portion of them. Even if someone like Tess Holiday was the mainstream ideal, most women still wouldn't measure up to that standard. Nevertheless, the fashion industry fixates on tall skinny models, and as a result my next question is, what makes this body type seen as so exclusive and unattainable when you can probably twist any body type as exclusive and unattainable. Why tall and skinny? Luckily, I once had to read a 20 page paper for my college sociology class on why that is so. So apparently it's because women without curves communicate this sense of sexual unavailability and purity. Those two things gives an essence of exclusivity and unattainability. Lots of things that pertain to fashion also have elements of elitism, classism, etc. rooted into it. Especially now in the U.S., I can see why skinniness would be held as a status symbol. If you are skinny, it often means that you have the time to work out and take care of yourself by mfor example, cooking at home and the money to afford high quality food. You can easily go to a vending machine and see that water costs $1.75 while a soda costs $0.99 or go to a gas station where you can get 3 donuts for $3.00 but if you want a salad that's going to be around $6.00. I also had this experience in college as well. I currently attend a college that is stereotyped for rich kids mainly because a large portion of the student body is represented by upper class white kids. I am going to this school because of scholarship money. In other words, in a way I'm here on a bribe. And being around people who come from a very different background than my own has been a very educational experience for many reasons. While I was expecting a lack of racial diversity when I set foot on campus, one type of lack of diversity that I wasn't prepared for was the lack of diversity in terms of body types. There are no thic people on campus. Everyone is skinny. If you don't have a six pack you are considered fat. And all of the girls are wearing the same over priced Lululemon leggings and look like they are about to go to the gym for work out. I asked a friend wtf this was all about because I thought I was seeing patterns that weren't there and I thought I was going insane and she explained to me how being as skinny as possible is a huge status symbol among the rich. For a solid semester, I walked around feeling like I was the only one with tits and an ass and eventually that started making me self conscious because I felt like I was a fat cow that stuck out in the crowd. I've even had my really skinny friends get self conscious because of the standards in my university and how whenever there is food present there is always a ton of people talking about dieting and restricting food. Over all this environment hasn't been helpful for me to be more body positive. The whole idea skinny tall women being painted as a symbol of grace, sexual unavailability, and purity also made sense because I saw and experienced the exact opposite as someone who is short and curvy. I know that curvier women are often stereotyped as being promiscuous. People assume that you are putting everything out there for everyone to see even if you are just wearing normal clothes and simply, well, existing. I remember one time when I was 14 and my friend and I wanted to match t shirts. We were wearing the exact same shirt but because of the way I was shaped, people made me change immediately because it was "distracting" *sigh*. And while women in general regardless of body type fall prey to being sexualized for simply existing, sometimes I feel that it is worse when you are either curvy or bigger. When you are built that way, you aren't seen in a graceful, or elegant way. It's always sexy. I think the following article does articulate this very well. I know it's from the daily mail and they aren't exactly the best source but this one, they're pretty on point about this topic: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3274206/Ashley-Graham-hits-constant-sexualization-curvy-women-fashion-entertainment.html And even though I haven't even had my first kiss yet, I still had people label me as a fat whore solely on the way that I was shaped. Or in some instances I have had people say that they were surprised by my lack of experience because of the way that I was built. I've also had friends who are petite and people assume that they are really innocent when in reality they are far from it, so there is also that. I also know that this phenomenon is worse for women of color who already tend to get fetishized and exoticized and often times part of their exotic appeal is based on the way they are built. A lot of it dates back to colonization and slavery, and like many issues regarding racism, it's usually worse for black women. Here is an article talking about just that: https://www.theroot.com/let-s-be-real-society-finds-black-women-with-curvy-bod-1790856743 There is a variety of reasons why I wish I was skinnier. I sometimes feel that if I was to lose weight, I wouldn't have to deal with these issues regarding sexualization to the same extent. I also wish that I would have an easier time finding clothes that fit me so that I won't have to shop around in the mall for two hours to find something that is flattering but doesn't make me look like I'm going to go seduce someone. Finally, as much as I want to feel like a free thinking person, sometimes I want to be skinnier simply because there is a social pressure to do so. But I forgive myself because even though these things may seem very petty, they seem petty because they are everywhere and we are very conditioned to accept they are normal to where we don't question it. And paradoxically, they are everywhere because there is a lot that goes into something being ubiquitous, a lot that is the opposite of petty. In other words, there is A LOT to unpack.

@MrBON Or maybe I think a guy is amazing but he isn't exactly my type. I mean there guys who haven't approached me in a romantic way me but I fall for them anyway.

I hope to god not. But I have seen how overt guys can be and I have run into guys like that before. And even as a touchy person, that's too much. Yeah that stuff is fine. I guess I'm just concerned of people like you said going up to someone and saying "lets fuck" and touch their ass because they interpret being direct and sexual as such. There are a lot of guys who do interpret it like that and then we have to deal with creepy behavior.

Same. I'm not always thinking about relationships. Sometimes I just want friends. And that isn't anything on the guy and what he did. It's not him, it's me lol. Or hell sometimes it's mutual and we just want to be friends and that's it. It ain't that deep.