soos_mite_ah

Bump!

That makes sense. Bottling things up has more to do with avoidance than anything. But I guess my thing is that only relying on journaling and self talk as opposed to reaching out to other people in certain circumstances can sometimes cause people to be in the head too much causing them to ruminate and then consequently slowing down the rate of progress/ emotional healing. I think this is more of a case by case thing where it depends on the person, their needs, and the context of the situation. As it was covered elsewhere on this thread, preaching this lone wolf mentality can be detrimental to a large portion of people who have a need to connect to others. It can be really beneficial for some people to be alone especially if you weren't surrounded by the healthiest people before, if you are a person who really thrives off of that, or you are aiming to have an ascetic sort of lifestyle.

Changing Beauty Standards I think it's kind of ridiculous to chase after beauty standards since they are moving target often dependent on where a society is at as well as how it is reacting to the standard coming before it. Even if you do a ton of dieting and plastic surgery to meet an ideal, that ideal can easily change and then you are left behind. I remember once I was watching an early 2000s classic, Mean Girls, and there was a scene where Regina George gained weight and someone said "watch where you're going, fatass" and basically the scene insinuated that Regina was getting too fat as she gained weight on the lower half of her body which is why she can't fit into her regular pants anymore. I know in the early 2000s, the ideal was very skinny, very Paris Hilton like. But my friends and I were watching this in 2016, 12 years after the movie came out, and we were like "nah but Regina getting thic tho" as if it's a good thing because in the 2010s people want to have butts and look like a Kardashian. My point is that beauty is subjective and culturally we change a lot about our opinion on what is beautiful. I remember in the early 2000s, the idea was basically Paris Hilton and the goal was to get as skinny as possible. And I remember as a kid seeing a bunch of celebrities having to go to the hospital or die because of anorexia from one of those entertainment news networks that is basically televised tabloids (my mom always had the TV on to that channel because she was interested in celebrity gossip). Years later, I see this parallel of people in the public eye going too far. Now, I don't see as many of those cases involving anorexia but I do see cases of influencers who get incredibly botched because of the amount of plastic surgery they got to look like Kylie Jenner and how their butt/ boob implants malfunction causing them to have a medical emergency. Before there were diet pills and even though you can still find those, I would say Fit Tea has taken the center stage. I don't know what is in that tea or how it tastes but I have heard that it is essentially a laxative in tea form. Before photoshop was rampant in making people look impossibly skinny to where you question where a person's organs are at and now we have face tune making people's ass look much bigger than proportionally possible. It's the same structure, just different content. As for my personal experience, I remember being bullied for being "thic" growing up but then I got to high school, the Kardashian's took center stage, and suddenly I kept getting complimented on my body. I had a couple of girls tell me that I'm basically the ideal and that so many women would spend a ton of money on plastic surgery to have a body like mine. I know this person didn't mean anything bad given the context of our conversation, she was probably just saying that I was beautiful in an exaggerated way and that I don't need to worry about the insecurities I do have in regards to my size since I fit the standard. But I can't say that this made me feel beautiful. If anything, it a way it made me feel objectified, not sexually, but in the sense that my body is a trend. And I think that's messed up. Women's bodies aren't trends and having a particular standard that changes not only creates a moving target which can be a breeding ground for neurotic behavior, but also objectifies women. Human bodies are too complex and diverse to fit into one set mold of what is considered attractive. And as long as there is one set standard, no matter how seemingly realisitc, it will always be out of reach for many women purely on the basis of diversity. I know that a lot of the reasons why the trend now is to have curves is because eventually people started seeing the limitations of being extremely skinny. I remember there is this one music video on YouTube (can't remember what it was), but I remember in 2009 scrolling through the comments and people were talking about how all the girls just need to eat a sandwich because they are too skinny. Fast forward to 2019, that same video was met with comments saying "oh look how natural and achievable their bodies are, goes to show you don't need implants." Changing from the 2000s extremely skinny standard of beauty to the 2010s extremely voluptous standard of beauty didn't do anything to progress our consciousness in this area and they way that we look at beauty standards rather it just swung the pendulum to the opposite direction and took it to the extreme. Again, same structure, just different content. So when did this structure of a standardized ideal of a women's body begin? A lot of it began in the early 20th century as more and more clothes began being made in factories as opposed to in the home. At one point it became much more convenient to go out and buy ready made clothes as opposed to making your own. This create a shift from altering your clothes to make the making clothes fit you to altering your body through diet and exercise in order to fit ready made clothes. Consequently, the fashion industry started playing a much larger role in regards to body image. Whatever body type suited the clothes that are currently on trend is the body type that became the ideal. In the early 2000s, it was all about low waisted jeans. And there are people who look amazing in low waisted jeans, particularly really skinny people. Personally, my ass has always been too big and I would have to pull up low waisted jeans constantly and that just wasn't fun. Also I don't have a perfectly flat stomach or abs so low waisted jeans have always been at the bane of my existence because at least with high waisted things, it sucks you in more. But then in the 2010s, high waisted jeans came back and suddenly everyone wanted an impossibly thin waist and a big butt. Idk maybe this is just me but some really skinny people, don't look right in high waisted jeans. Like if you don't have a large difference in measurement between your waist and your hips, your butt and your back sort of blend together. And it's like you also need a butt to fill out high waisted jeans especially high waisted shorts, and sometimes it just doesn't work for skinny people. Aint nothing wrong with skinny people, it's just that different trends suit different people and it's also important to accept yourself and find something that works for you instead of forcing yourself to work with what's popular. But yeah, jean styles for example in the early 2000s vs the 2010s do mirror the body ideals from those decades. I found a lot of other parallels with other decades in the 20th century as well with fashion trends from different decades. I had to study all of this for a semester because I took a class on modern fashion, mainly focusing on the 1910s to the 1950s but I can apply the concepts to the modern day as well. It was probably hands down one of the most interesting classes I took in college and I took it to fill some type of requirement so I wasn't thinking too much about it when I chose the class. I didn't expect much from the class but I was surprised to find that the whole class was set up like this art history type of course and I got to learn about how beauty standards come about and why some fashion trends come and go as well as the historical context for all of that. We talked about history, politics, sociology, psychology, manufacturing, mass media and publishing, gender norms, body image, and of course why Coco Chanel was a bad bitch.

I was about to comment something along those lines. I think travelling can be very helpful to self actualization depending on why you are travelling. If you are travelling for more hedonistic reasons such as partying in foreign countries to get fucked up, solely for food and sex, or doing it to fulfill some impulse control you might have (but then again, maybe blowing off steam is what you need depending on where you are in your journey, idk its a case by case basis). But travelling with the desire to learn about new places and cultures, their history, their norms, their way of life, figuring out how to be more independent and adaptive, and finally taking wisdom from perspectives radically different from your own is a great way to develop yourself and open up your mind.

@Leo Gura I know that it's good to be independent and self sufficient when it comes to dealing with your own problems, but isn't it good and often more efficient when it comes to healing to lean on high quality people/ relationships for help when you need it? I'm not saying completely becoming dependent on them but I guess depending on the case, you could also swing too far in the other direction where you bottle everything up inside and don't let anyone help you which then hinders or slows down the growth process.

And Speaking of Things That are Weird and Bizarre.... This is basically my sense of humor at this point I watched one of their movies as a kid but I never watched the show so yeah this really is out of context for me lol.

Snow in Texas VID_63460312_211209_197.mp4 It snowed for the first time in 5 years in my area. Normally during this time of year, we get rain that freezes into ice on the road once temperatures hit below freezing, or we get hail. I woke up and saw my neighborhood enveloped in white. I always thought snow was beautiful, granted it's probably because I haven't felt it's wrath since I don't live far up north to experience anything like that. It just brightens everything up imo. It also reminds me of this one time it snowed a foot and a half in my area. I was 10 years old. It finally snowed enough to where I could play in the snow. Before when it snowed there was only enough to where I could make an 8 inch tall snowman with a couple of snowballs. But this time, I could make an actual snowman. I also had school that day and I remember all of us were begging to go outside during recess. My class made an igloo together and had a snow ball fight. And then the day after that school got cancelled mainly because Texans are terrified of snow since none of us really know how to drive in this weather. People were running to the grocery store and grabbing food like it was the apocalypse. That was entertaining and as a child I was excited that I got to get time off of school because that meant that I could have more time to play in the snow. .... that excitement only lasted for 5 days. The power went out in my house on the 5th day and as a result there was no heat or electricity. Thankfully the fireplace was a gas powered fire place so we had some heat. But yeah we couldn't cook anything and we couldn't get food anywhere because all of the food places were closed because of lack of power. We ate cold pizza that we bought a few days back. That wasnt fun. It went like this for 3 days and by the end of that I really wanted to go back to school lmao. So far it has only snowed 3 in. I woke up, made myself some hot chocolate and watched the snow fall. I just let myself be at peace as the snow gently fell to the ground. It's been 2 hours and I have been watching it gradually accumulate. I may be doing the most and I'm pretty sure I would look and sound insane to anyone who lives in an area where it snows often, but even though I have seen snow in other areas many times, Texas snow just feels special to me because it happens so rarely. It's so beautiful and foreign at the same time to where my first thought is met with confusion followed by a second thought of awe. This type of thing really makes my day. I find joy at marveling at things that seem odd and bizarre.

Fashion and the Sexualization of Curvier Bodies One of the many reasons why women are drawn to dieting, losing weight, or may consider wanting to change some aspect of their body is because they want to look good in certain clothes. And I will admit that I am one of those people. One thing that fashion does not consider at all is people with big boobs (and, well, bigger people in general). Personally, I find it difficult to find clothes that fit me properly. Either a shirt fits me on the chest and is super loose for the rest of my body causing this tent like effect that makes me look like I'm 3 times my actual size or a shirt fits the rest of my body well but it is tight around the chest causing me to look like I'm about to take a seat on the black casting couch. There isn't anything wrong with the later when I'm trying to find clothes for clubbing because well everything looks oversexualized on me but there's one problem, I don't go partying and I don't need clothes like that in my wardrobe for an occasion that very rarely comes. And I find ill fitting to walk into class or work looking like a big titty anime girl. There is a time and place for those things. But why does fashion ignore people with bigger boobs, or hell curvier women in general? I guess to figure that out, it can be helpful to understand why fashion prefers really tall and skinny models. Well it began as something that was out of convenience. Taller skinnier people are kind of like hangers. When designing clothes, it's easier to make clothes on a more standard neutral body (idk how else to really phrase it) than to have to take into consideration different curves and shapes. While I understand it's out of convenience, to me it also feels like incompetence. That's like a hair stylist saying that they only know how to style straight hair because it is easier to work with. Not only are you excluding a large group of people that may want your services and give you money (more on that and how it relates to fashion later), but you are also showing your lack of versatility and a presence of laziness in your craft. Another reason why fashion doesn't want to have curvier models is because they believe that the curves will distract a person from the clothes themselves. I remember reading this one article about how in the 1950s, they wouldn't let Marilyn Monroe model any clothes because they thought that people would be too distracted by her boobs and her butt to pay attention to what she was actually wearing. First of all, that is just plain sexualization. If you're distracted by Marilyn's figure, it's not her problem or the designer's problem, it's yours. Second, the whole beauty with fashion as an art form is that fashion is a functional part of every day life. Key word: functional. So in my opinion, if it doesn't even work for a large portion of people, what does it say about the functionality and again, versatility of the design? Finally, fashion ignores curvier women because, well it can and it wants to. It isn't exactly a very inclusive industry. But regardless of what beauty standard you have, it will always exclude the vast majority of women because women are very diverse and there isn't one look that fits a large portion of them. Even if someone like Tess Holiday was the mainstream ideal, most women still wouldn't measure up to that standard. Nevertheless, the fashion industry fixates on tall skinny models, and as a result my next question is, what makes this body type seen as so exclusive and unattainable when you can probably twist any body type as exclusive and unattainable. Why tall and skinny? Luckily, I once had to read a 20 page paper for my college sociology class on why that is so. So apparently it's because women without curves communicate this sense of sexual unavailability and purity. Those two things gives an essence of exclusivity and unattainability. Lots of things that pertain to fashion also have elements of elitism, classism, etc. rooted into it. Especially now in the U.S., I can see why skinniness would be held as a status symbol. If you are skinny, it often means that you have the time to work out and take care of yourself by mfor example, cooking at home and the money to afford high quality food. You can easily go to a vending machine and see that water costs $1.75 while a soda costs $0.99 or go to a gas station where you can get 3 donuts for $3.00 but if you want a salad that's going to be around $6.00. I also had this experience in college as well. I currently attend a college that is stereotyped for rich kids mainly because a large portion of the student body is represented by upper class white kids. I am going to this school because of scholarship money. In other words, in a way I'm here on a bribe. And being around people who come from a very different background than my own has been a very educational experience for many reasons. While I was expecting a lack of racial diversity when I set foot on campus, one type of lack of diversity that I wasn't prepared for was the lack of diversity in terms of body types. There are no thic people on campus. Everyone is skinny. If you don't have a six pack you are considered fat. And all of the girls are wearing the same over priced Lululemon leggings and look like they are about to go to the gym for work out. I asked a friend wtf this was all about because I thought I was seeing patterns that weren't there and I thought I was going insane and she explained to me how being as skinny as possible is a huge status symbol among the rich. For a solid semester, I walked around feeling like I was the only one with tits and an ass and eventually that started making me self conscious because I felt like I was a fat cow that stuck out in the crowd. I've even had my really skinny friends get self conscious because of the standards in my university and how whenever there is food present there is always a ton of people talking about dieting and restricting food. Over all this environment hasn't been helpful for me to be more body positive. The whole idea skinny tall women being painted as a symbol of grace, sexual unavailability, and purity also made sense because I saw and experienced the exact opposite as someone who is short and curvy. I know that curvier women are often stereotyped as being promiscuous. People assume that you are putting everything out there for everyone to see even if you are just wearing normal clothes and simply, well, existing. I remember one time when I was 14 and my friend and I wanted to match t shirts. We were wearing the exact same shirt but because of the way I was shaped, people made me change immediately because it was "distracting" *sigh*. And while women in general regardless of body type fall prey to being sexualized for simply existing, sometimes I feel that it is worse when you are either curvy or bigger. When you are built that way, you aren't seen in a graceful, or elegant way. It's always sexy. I think the following article does articulate this very well. I know it's from the daily mail and they aren't exactly the best source but this one, they're pretty on point about this topic: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3274206/Ashley-Graham-hits-constant-sexualization-curvy-women-fashion-entertainment.html And even though I haven't even had my first kiss yet, I still had people label me as a fat whore solely on the way that I was shaped. Or in some instances I have had people say that they were surprised by my lack of experience because of the way that I was built. I've also had friends who are petite and people assume that they are really innocent when in reality they are far from it, so there is also that. I also know that this phenomenon is worse for women of color who already tend to get fetishized and exoticized and often times part of their exotic appeal is based on the way they are built. A lot of it dates back to colonization and slavery, and like many issues regarding racism, it's usually worse for black women. Here is an article talking about just that: https://www.theroot.com/let-s-be-real-society-finds-black-women-with-curvy-bod-1790856743 There is a variety of reasons why I wish I was skinnier. I sometimes feel that if I was to lose weight, I wouldn't have to deal with these issues regarding sexualization to the same extent. I also wish that I would have an easier time finding clothes that fit me so that I won't have to shop around in the mall for two hours to find something that is flattering but doesn't make me look like I'm going to go seduce someone. Finally, as much as I want to feel like a free thinking person, sometimes I want to be skinnier simply because there is a social pressure to do so. But I forgive myself because even though these things may seem very petty, they seem petty because they are everywhere and we are very conditioned to accept they are normal to where we don't question it. And paradoxically, they are everywhere because there is a lot that goes into something being ubiquitous, a lot that is the opposite of petty. In other words, there is A LOT to unpack.

@MrBON Or maybe I think a guy is amazing but he isn't exactly my type. I mean there guys who haven't approached me in a romantic way me but I fall for them anyway.

I hope to god not. But I have seen how overt guys can be and I have run into guys like that before. And even as a touchy person, that's too much. Yeah that stuff is fine. I guess I'm just concerned of people like you said going up to someone and saying "lets fuck" and touch their ass because they interpret being direct and sexual as such. There are a lot of guys who do interpret it like that and then we have to deal with creepy behavior.

Same. I'm not always thinking about relationships. Sometimes I just want friends. And that isn't anything on the guy and what he did. It's not him, it's me lol. Or hell sometimes it's mutual and we just want to be friends and that's it. It ain't that deep.

I mean you can still lead with kindness and not be overtly sexual. You can tell a girl she is beautiful, that you like her shirt or something and create a conversation with her by asking her if she want's to go out some time. Also body language and touch is key. Those are just examples but you can be direct and subtle at the same time. If you aren't direct, you can end up in the friendzone like you said but if you don't meet that with a sense of subtleness, it can come off as creepy. Granted I can only say so much because I am a woman and I'm not exactly in the same situation, but I'm speaking from experience in the sense of I know what girls like and I have experience the guys that have approached me and by comparing them, I have found a trend in regards to what often works. I can see if you're at a night club how things might be different. Not sure how you can tell if a girl is slutty if you are just approaching her for the first time. Even then, respect is key to not look like an asshole. Totally agree. Advice is very dependent on context and where a person is at. My only concern is that you don't want to end up swinging too far in the other direction.

@modmyth I feel like when you're in school, as a woman, you can get screwed over no matter what you look like. We all sit around wanting to look like each other. I definitely went through a phase where I wanted to be tall and I have taller women come up to me and tell me how they wish they were at my height. At it's unhealthiest, it's a bunch of women beating themselves up, seeing each other as competition, and having to deal with constant comparison. I was in a good group of friends growing up and to an extent this manifested in a healthier way where we hyped each other up for the features we liked in each other even though none of us were necessarily the "ideal" whatever the hell that means. We were all average looking, and I don't mean that in a way to downplay the way they look but I mean to say that you don't have to be considered "exceptionally beautiful" to find beauty in someone or something. To me, having a rigid perception of what beauty is tells more about the person doing judging than the person, place, or thing they are judging. I'm trying to expand my definition of beauty both when it comes to my body image but also in other areas of my life. I also really feel the whole skinny fat thing. I'm not super big, often times I feel that way because I'm not perfectly toned all over. Now a days, I would describe my body image as significantly better than when I was younger but I still have little habits and limiting beliefs that trickled into the way I move about the world everyday. Especially when it comes to diet and nutrition, there is so much misinformation out there, dangerous misinformation at that, because we live in a time centered around instant gratifications and where diets are designed to get you to get skinny regardless of what that might cost. For me, I think now a days the biggest misconceptions I need to tackle is how I have to skip breakfast, and keep cutting calories when in reality I'm probably not eating enough. I'm pretty sure that came about because I put some figures into a calculator to see how many calories I need and it told me I needed like 1400 calories just to maintain my weight and because there is this notion that if you are shorter than average, you can't eat as much as a regular adult without having your health and weight go down the drain. But there are more extreme forms of misinformation and losing weight fast and at all costs. Like I remember one time a girl I knew got a really bad stomach flu or something and lost a ton of weight in a short period of time and I remember there were people who joked about it and were like "oh I need the same stomach bug so that I can get a six pack lol." I know they weren't serious but it does reflect the attitudes that circulate around health and weight loss. As a result, because there is so much bs out there, it can often be difficult to navigate and find what really works for you The BMI thing is a very flawed tool of measurement. I get why doctors use it. It's very quick and convenient so when you are having a busy day, it's much easier to but your weight and height into a BMI calculator as opposed to going through the whole process of finding out your body fat percentage and having patients track their habits for a week. Plus, I'm pretty sure it has to do with their training and what they are required to do. From what I understand, the BMI can give you a very rough estimation of your health and because there is too many factors to consider when it comes to health as it relates to weight, the BMI essentially paints people with one broad stroke. The biggest problem I have with the BMI is when it is treated as an end all be all metric where even if you are 10lbs overweight, you are suddenly a danger to yourself and have to start losing weight immediately. In this area, I agree with a lot of what the body positivity movement has to say when it comes how healthy can look different to different people. Granted there are always people who takes things too far and assume that you can be healthy at 350lbs because your blood work comes out fine, but that's a separate issue (even then, it might not be healthy but fat and sick people still deserve basic respect). For me personally, the only time my BMI went to the normal range was when I had really disordered habits. And even then I didn't have a flat stomach or abs. That weight might be seen as healthy according to that metric, but it was far from it when taken everything else into consideration. And also doctors saying "just lose weight" as a remedy for all health problems can be dangerous because you can misattribute the reason for a disease to eating too much. Don't get me wrong, too much body fat can be linked to a number of health issues but it is incorrect to say that body fat is the sole factor in every single thing. I can't think of an example off the top of my head but I remember seeing situations where overweight people would go to the doctors office with some type of pain or discomfort and the doctor would write it off as "oh you're just fat, lose some weight and you'll be fine," when in reality that discomfort wasn't even weight related and was for something else like a tumor or horomones etc. There are some horror stories that I remember reading about that really threatened people's health because they didn't get the proper treatment in a timely manner because their health issues were just dismissed as "you're fat". I think the doctor that told me that I could still lose some weight despite being at a healthy bmi did so because I was 14 at the time and I wasn't in the 50th percentile weight wise for my height and I was still on the higher end of the spectrum.

Thank you so much @Moon Exactly!!! This is 100% accurate. From my experience, this goes for flirting in general. Even if you are a woman, going into a situation with the expectation of sex can make things awkward at best and downright creepy worst. And most people can't sense if intentions are off even if they can't exactly put their finger on it. My personal rule of flirting is to keep it light hearted and don't get too intense, especially with someone you don't know, because you don't know what the other person might be feeling/ thinking. It's just out of consideration. The best form of flirting, regardless of gender, is rooted in empathy for the other person and wanting them feel good about themselves, not self interest. Honestly, even if you haven't had much success, you are ahead of a lot of men. Starting with your way of thinking working on that along with your self confidence/ self perception is the best place to begin.

I mean I know they exist, but I'm pretty sure it's a timing thing tbh. Yeah that isn't really my style. Aint nothing wrong with it but personally, I don't want to have sex outside of a committed relationship or do anything sexual before actually getting to know someone for a couple of months. Not really into that attitude. I would rather have a guy enthusiastically and authentically like me and find me attractive rather than seeing me as settling or as a second option. I personally don't settle because I believe that is disrespectful to my time and his and is deceptive because you lead someone you don't have much interest in on. Plus, even if this is the case where I'm hypothetically just hooking up with someone, I'm pretty sure the sex would be hotter and more satisfying if neither party was giving up their standards/ desires when it comes to what they look for someone physically. I'll just wait to encounter one of the more actualized ones. I've have gone 21 years without kissing any frogs and having little to no headaches with guys, I can wait longer with no problem. I guess in a way I'm like Ty Lee in the sense I can be bubbly, generally really nice, and good with people but I guess I give off too much of a sweet and innocent vibe that can be annoying for some people who are just trying to get laid and move on hahaha. Eh, their loss. Idc. I'm not chasing and obsessing. I'm just living my life, minding my own business, and finding random things, topics, and people who interests me.

Thank you so much for this detailed comparison. I found it really interesting Recently I have been getting intrigued with extreme cases like this and the psychology behind them. Especially with Trump. He is such a petri dish of issues and a dumpster fire of neurosis to where he is like a horrific car crash that you can't turn away from. I'm planning on reading more into him as a person after he isn't president and I don't see him on the news every day, ya know for my own sanity. But yeah super fascinating!!! It's like studying a science experiment of an ego go horribly wrong in every possible way.

I have never met a guy in person who had to talk to like 50 girls to get 1 to like them. The only place I have heard this and the so called numbers game is this forum and reddit. Granted I hang out with other women most of the time and the loudest most obnoxious guys are usually the ones that get noticed most often if that makes sense. And I'm not even talking about guys who look like models. I have met men who look like they are one cigarette away from dying, is mentally a mess, and looks like he lives in a trailer park and he has numerous women who swoon after him. There is such a wide spectrum of what girls prefer to where I don't even understand why some girls are attracted to some guys. When I say looks don't matter as much as you think it does, I really mean that. I have seen so many pretty girls who go out with guys who don't even know what it means to exfoliate and look like he hasn't washed his hair in a month. Like to me that is the epitome of straight woman shit. I'm pretty sure there is a version of that for men since there is a wide variety of things a guy might find attractive, from short girls, to tall girls, to really skinny girls, to girls who are much thicker, and every thing else in between but girls assume that guys want a super model. We obsess about our bodies and get insecure about details that guys wouldn't bother to scrutinize. Like we maybe insecure of that one stretch mark we have or how are boobs don't look like a porn stars and we may think that we are unfuckable because of that but I'm pretty sure guys don't care and if they see a naked woman they aren't going to nitpick at her body the same way that she might. I have watched a video of a guy fucking a McDonald's chicken sandwich before and ever since then I stopped caring about what guys think of me looks wise because a lot of them are probably not looking for much. Same with guys. I've seen guys on here who I think are attractive but because I guess they aren't the "male model" type, they underestimate themselves and then that lack of confidence manifests when they want to go out and date. And then that lack of confidence is what sabotages them, not their lack of facial hair or their big nose. You don't need much to get a date for either gender. All you need to do is have basic social skills, not act like a psychopath, and have a couple hobbies and interests so yall can talk about something together as a medium to connect. Once you have all that, go out and talk to people. Not shy, just a homebody. I can come off as a little emotionally cold and detached but I'm also really bubbly irl. I do smile and laugh a lot and unfortunately people assume that I'm crazy, fake, or delusional for looking happy all the time . As far as touchiness goes, I'm super comfortable with touch but I'm never the one that initiates because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. If someone is touchy with me, I don't mind doing the same right back. As far as looks goes, I'm super average looking. I mean I think I'm pretty and I like the way I look but I'm pretty sure most people think that I'm just ok. Eh, I don't put too much effort into dating. I have other things in my life going on. I grew up ugly so because of that I have made peace with the possibility of dying alone. I'm neutral towards it. If I find a partner that's great. But if I die alone with a bunch of cats, that great too lol .

I think there are two things at play here. First of all, there is a historical context that needs to be considered. Especially for women, we get lectured about what will attract a man, what will keep a man etc. all the time. If he cheats, you must have done something. Maybe it's because you don't cook that well and now he wants to go fuck a stripper. Oh you have a more androgenous style? You will never get a guy go put on some makeup. No no not that much, now you look like a clown and a whore that men will think is too easy. You won't get respect like that. There is a lot of bullshit that is told to women about the exact way to act, talk, and dress. I watched the video that the original poster put up and it seemed like pretty harmless advice but I can also understand the undertones some women can pick up. So sometimes, it strikes at that particular collective wound. Second, I see a pattern with people who have had problems with relationships and attraction over a number of years. Being a woman I know a lot of women who have had issues with finding a quality guy. After getting on this site and reading some of these threads, I found some parallels with what some men complain about. Men on this forum: God women have it so easy, they can get laid any time. They don't need to put any effort. It's not a problem for women to sleep around and attract a lot of men. Women I have met: God men have it so easy, they can get laid any time. They don't need to put any effort. It's not a problem for men to sleep around and attract a lot of women. I'm going to be honest, often times, men or women, attracting someone has to do with timing and putting yourself out there in various social situations. I know that it is super cheesy, seems waaay too simple, and can seem dismissive and aggravating to someone who is frustrated and as a result feeling impatient but it's true. Sometimes there is absolutely nothing wrong with you but because you keep obsessing and getting neurotic about it, then you actually start having problems and start having self esteem issues, victim complexes, incel ideology, start shutting yourself in etc. It can turn into a self fulfilling profecy real quick Personally, I'm 21 years old, I have yet to even have my first kiss much less lose my virginity. I have been on a couple dates here and there but I haven't really clicked with anyone. And I have had times where I thought there was something really wrong with me. Maybe it's because I'm *insert any trait/ circumstance* but then I see *insert any trait/ circumstance* people get into relationships. Then I was like, hey maybe it's just not my time and I stopped obsessing about it, which in turn helped me be more confident and reduce the resistance I had to a situation. In order to attract something, a situation, or someone, you need to release your attachment and your resistance to what you're trying to manifest. I know that is easier said than done and I can see why it would be in some ways even more frustrating as a man if you lack experience because society puts in emphasis on attracting and sleeping with a lot of women and ties it to notions of masculinity. While I'm all for being more open about sex and sexuality, I think it's messed up to judge someone based on their experience or lack there of regardless of gender which can come with all sorts of notions and double standards. Sex isn't a big deal and by that I don't mean that if you're not sleeping around and not going crazy that there is something wrong with you rather I mean that whatever choices you have made or however life and it's timing has worked out for you, it doesn't matter as long as everything is safe and consensual.

If you think we are being paranoid, then you aren't fully empathizing to the female experience. We get called paranoid until something bad happens to us. When something bad happens to us, the script is flipped and suddenly we are to blame for not being careful enough or for asking for it. It may not be overt threats but we do pick up signs and red flags. Also rape being this thing that happens in dark alley ways is not entirely true. You are much more likely to be raped by a guy whos name and face you know. Most girls are regular people. We aren't these highly intuitive beings that can read everyone's emotions and intentions at the drop of the hat. The whole point of manipulation is that it isn't going to be clear as day. Unless you are hella weird and do a piss poor job at trying manipulate a girl, there are some girls that will fall for bat shit crazy antics. Mainly the ones that are inexperienced, really naive, or have a lot of internalized misogny to where they don't recognize how badly they are being treated and think this is the norm. Also like men who are attracted to toxic women, women can also be attracted to toxic men because of trauma. Also there is this thing where girls don't want to say no to guys because society sees us having standards as being bitchy and asking for too much, because society thinks we are crazy when we feel something in our gut that says something is wrong, after all he is "such a good guy", and because sometimes we are straight up terrified of what a guy might do to us.

I had a similar experience when I came to this forum and went to the dating section. It wasn't so much I felt hurt but I was creeped out by some of the attitudes guys held and the descriptions of behaviors from these guys combined their lack of awareness of how terrifying and misognistic their actions can be in the eyes of a woman. Some of the threads come off as really incel-ly. That type of attitude is like an automatic red flag imo if I were to be on a date with a guy. A lot of our struggles revolve around the topic of physical and emotional safety. You can see this when you compare the answers guys and girls give when they talk about what their worst date was. Often times, a guys definition of a really bad date can be turned into a funny anecdote about how awkward and bizarre a situation was. A girls definition of a really bad date can look like a scenario out of a crime drama where she could've gotten raped or killed. And before anyone comes here and starts talking about "not all men," I'm just going to say that there is still a power dynamic between the treatment men and women in society. Not only that, guys can be much larger than us and physically threaten us more. We see so many stories about women getting assaulted after she rejected a weird guy or she refused to go on a second date. We see so many stories of women getting physically and emotionally hurt by guys whether it be in the news or someone close to us. We all have had to deal with some type of bullshit from guys or at the very least know a dozen people who have. To be a woman is to be constantly be on guard, whether it is walking in a parking lot or going on a date with a guy you swiped right on in tinder. Here is a brief list of things I consider before and during on a date: Does he creep me out? What is my gut feeling saying? Does he have a bad attitude towards women and is entitled to sex? If he does have a bad or entitled attitude, is it so extreme to the point I need to be vigilant about him drugging me or raping me? If I met a guy on tinder, I'm going to send a screenshot of his profile to my friend and show a picture of what I am wearing just in case this turns out badly. Do I have pepper spray on me? Is he a narcissist or someone who doesn't respect my physical or emotional boundaries? Will he emotionally manipulate me? Do I see any manipulation tactics coming from him? What is my exit strategy if things get weird? Can I call a friend or go up to a near by woman to signal that something is wrong? I need to constantly keep an eye on my drink if I have one. I have numerous friends who have gotten drugged at parties before. And that's not even taking into consideration on whether I like a guy or not or if I'm enjoying myself.

Perfectionism I believe that my perfectionistic tendencies is one of the big barriers to me being more gentle with myself. To reiterate how I have defined gentleness, I'm going to insert a quote from a previous post on this journal and then to the side I'm going to explain how perfectionism relates to this. I never thought of myself as perfectionist until the last few months or so. I think we have a caricature of perfectionism is in society. In this caricature, perfectionism is the kid that freaks out if they get a 99 instead of a 100. It's the person who is super meticulous in the way they work and has a spotless room. It's the clean freak who freaks out over spilt milk. These are all very extreme and cartoonish examples of perfectionism. If anything, I see myself as very contradictory to these tropes. I'm ok with less than perfect grades. I'm not super detail oriented. And finally, I don't have a perfectly clean room (though it is pretty organized most of the time). I'm comfortable with all of these less than perfect scenarios. Because of this perception of perfectionism, I didn't realize I had this problem until recently. The first time I had an inkling about being a perfectionist was when I took the enneagram test and my result came out as a 1w9. That means that I have a type 1 personality with some elements of a type 9 personality according to their system but if I remember correctly, for me it was an even split between 1 and 9. Here is a brief description of types. They sometimes have different names. I know for type 1s they are usually either called the reformer or the perfectionist. I think for most of my life I identified more with my type 9 side rather than my type 1 side, again since perfectionism can be painted as a caricature at times. But I still read the description for type 1 and it resonated with me. I do have very high standards for myself and I expect the best for myself and the people around me mainly because I want to get the most out of my life. It's the reason why I am so drawn to self development. I want to master myself and my life so that I can live a life well spent. I didn't realize how critical I was I until I started talking about some issues in therapy. There has been multiple sessions where my therapist pointed out how harsh I was with myself, how unforgiving I was, and how sometimes I interpret exercising empathy for myself in order to be more gentle as making excuses and being lazy. I'm seeing these tendencies more and more with the issues I have been having due to school as well as the way that I am trying to fix my diet (I have a whole nother journal about that right here:) For me, perfectionism comes in the form of being very nitpicky. I might have a piece of chocolate which isn't advisable with my health condition and then ruminate on that for a bit because I could have done better. Perfectionism also comes in the form of procrastination. There is a part of me that wants to wait for the best time to do something. Like for example if I intended to start my homework at 5:00 pm and then I look to the clock and I see that it is now 5:03 pm, I'll be like *well I guess I need to wait until its 6:00 pm to get started* instead of just doing my work. And lastly, my perfectionism comes in the form of all or nothing thinking. In a more subtle case, it can be seen when I wake up too late one day and then proceed to see the rest of the day as a waste and do nothing that will be productive in that entire day. In a more extreme case it can be seen in the way that I can isolate myself, especially in dating, because I feel that I need to be the best version of myself and be perfect before putting myself out there. That's a whole thing of it's own and I'm going to do another post on that. But yeah, this year I'm focusing more on being gentle with myself. And to do that I need to address my issues surrounding perfectionism.

The Limitations of the Body Part 2: Dealing with Different Body Structures Another thing that I found to be helpful in developing a healthier body image is figuring out what my body type even was. I'm not talking about whether you are apple shape, pear shape, or hourglass. I feel that the whole fruit system that people made up for female body types is too simplistic and talks more about weight distribution and proportions rather than bone structure and muscle structure. I found the Kibbe body type system some time ago on YouTube and I found that this system is more nuanced. The system also underscores that your weight can fluctuate but you will still have the same structure. I remember talking to a friend about this particular system. We both have similar body types in terms of proportions but we have very different structures and that didn't make sense to us. I always wrote that off as a height thing but then again she is only 2 inches taller than me so in my head I figured there was more to this story so we both took this body type test. This test illuminated a lot of things for me when I first discovered it. It made sense why I always had a rounder, softer appearance regardless of how much I weighed. I am closest to a theatrical romantic body type on this test which means that I have very rounded features but I am slightly narrow. I always thought I looked fat because of how my arms and legs were more rounded out instead of straight and elongated. I can't find any decent diagrams but watching the videos above will make a lot more sense as to what I'm talking about. At one point I was also self conscious about how rounded my shoulders were (its more like example C/D rather than example A on the figure above). After taking this test, it made me think "ok maybe I'm not fat but this is just the way that my body naturally contours." And that gave me a lot of peace. My friend on the other hand is the opposite of my body type. Instead of more rounded features, her features are more long, broad, and elongated. I remember she was talking to me after this test we took together and she mentioned to me how she always felt like she had to lose weight despite more or less having a flat stomach because her waist was more straight (like example B directly above) instead of curving inward (like example D directly above). Again the Kibbe system doesn't have to do with weight rather it has to do with muscle and bone structure so my friend was telling me that her hopes of getting a smaller waist to get that inward rounded contour isn't realistic for her body because she is simply not built like that. She also started talking about how she was always a little jealous about the way my legs looked because they had that rounded silhouette but was also really toned and muscular. I basically explained how it is a combination of my metabolism and my body type. Upon that I also mentioned how I liked how much straighter as opposed to rounded her legs and arms were and how I used to strive for that instead and again it boiled down to a combination of metabolism and body type. And after having that conversation we both came to the conclusion that in regards to way our body looks, it is what it is and just because we don't look like a certain ideal or that our healthy weight looks different from another person doesn't mean that we are doing something wrong, that we aren't "disciplined" enough in our diets or exercise regime, or that there is something wrong with us. Also, my favorite thing about the Kibbe body type system is that there isn't an ideal and that all of the body types are described in a neutral and positive way. I know with the fruit system, the ideal is being an hourglass and if you were say more pair shaped, you would be given fashion advice in regards to how to look more hourglass. I found more videos on the Kibbe body type system in regards to fashion and what I really liked about it, other than the solid advice, was that the advice on what you should wear centered around what brings out your body type and honors it rather than what you should wear to look like a different body type. And I think that is really important from a body image perspective. It goes back to the concept of understanding what makes your body unique and working with that instead of working against it in order to be what you're not. To me it's very important to know where the limits of your body lie. By understanding those limits, you can set yourself free from unrealistic expectation and setting yourself free from unrealistic expectations that you will never reach no matter how hard you try can help you break out a lot of neurosis. Essentially you aren't beating yourself up or getting frustrated trying to smash a square peg into a round hole so to speak. I know that I'll never look like an Kendal Jenner no matter how hard I try. To look like her, I would have to lose 40lbs some how which isn't realistic or healthy considering how easily I gain muscle and how the excess weight I carry isn't body fat. I would also have to remove a rib so that I have a narrower silhouette. I would also have to get a breast reduction since no mater what my weight is my boobs are fairly large. And finally even if I some how managed to do all of that by spending money on plastic surgery and going on a dangerous diet, I would somehow still have to magically grow 8 inches in height. In other words, none of the things I need to do to achieve this look is realistic or feasible and instead of beating myself up for that by going on unhealthy diets, I need to accept the way that I look and try to do what's best for me.

To me all of the stages except blue is comfortable with sex and doesn't think about repressing sex. Red and purple doesn't think about repressing sexuality because they are too impulsive and are too busy seeking pleasure. This impulsivity can come out as violence and complete lack of consideration of any consequences Blue is horrified by this behavior and deems sex as evil. It's important to consider that each higher stage comes from seeing the horrors and limitations from the stage just below it. Orange doesn't see the need to moralize sex and see it as a way to blow a load and move on but they aren't as violent or impulsive as red. Sex isn't necessarily for financial incentives (you can have sex for financial incentives in red or purple for instance to marry higher in your tribe or something but that isn't orange) but sex is transaction, logical, and usually with no strings attached. Because sex isn't moralized, orange is much more sexually free. Blue shames orange and can't differentiate it from red and purple. It is not uncommon for a lower stage to critique a higher stage because they confuse that higher stage with a stage lower than them. Green doesn't moralize sex but rather sees it as emotional and a way of connecting with people. Expressing yourself and connecting with others is good so why would you repress that and deem it a sin. Blue sees this desire to act on emotion as synonymous with being impulsive and destructive like red and purple and like with orange it assumes that green is lower than blue.

Colonization is a huge factor. A lot of cultures used to be much more liberal and open minded when it came to sex but when Europe colonized them, they labeled this sexual openness as barbaric and on par with fucking like animals. This has to do with a lot of moral superiority complexes (in a "I'm rational and not influenced by mere bodily desires" way) along with seeing other cultures and the people who belong to them as subhuman. As @flowboy mentioned, both Japan and India had very open minded views on sex. I'm sure that also rings true with other cultures as well though I am not as well versed in this. I can say some things about India. A lot of the sexual conservatism we see there today has it's root back to the Victorian era when India was colonized. Colonization also made homosexual relationships illegal in India and it was overturned not to long ago in 2018. I remember when India legalized gay relationships, a lot of people were saying along the lines of how this isn't India becoming western and progressive rather this is India slowly decolonizing itself for age old norms implemented by the British. As for Europe and how sexual supression came about there, my hypothesis is that everything was really dirty and you could get infections really easily back in the middle ages and consequently, sex began being viewed as something disgusting. And I highly doubt that contraceptives were available to most people back then. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of notions of cleanliness and purity that is seen from religion takes it's root in the fear of STDs and the church co opted this notion because they have more control over people and because people would listen to them more if say the pope told them to not have sex as opposed to random people in your life.

The Limitations of the Body Part 1: Dealing with Weight and Height I have had issues with my body image since I would say I was around 10 years old. A lot of the contributing factors had to do with cultural standards of beauty and the way my mom modeled "healthy eating" and her relationship with her body. I remember that in the early 2000s, the ideal look for a woman's body was a lot like Paris Hilton, really tall, really skinny, thin eyebrows, blond hair and blue eyes. As a short chubby brown kid, I was the opposite of all of those things and as a result, I was quickly labeled as the ugly kid growing up by other small children mainly because kids at that age are super impressionable to cultural messages and don't have as much critical thinking or life experience to combat unhealthy messages. My mom was always insecure about her size and frequently went on restrictive diets. Those would trickle down to the rest of the household as she would nitpick on any food choice my dad or I made. As I moved into my preteen years, everyone was getting their growth spurt. I remember being really insecure about my height not because I had a problem with being short but because I had this idea that my weight would be better distributed if I was taller. My mom didn't help. She would say that because I'm chubby, I'm not able to grow as tall as my other friends and that I needed to lose weight. Around this time I went through a phase as a still pretty impressionable 13 year old, I really wanted to look like a model. I wanted to be 5'8" and a 110lbs which doesn't make any sense to me now genetically because my mom is 5'2" and my dad is 5'6." But that didn't stop me from trying. This was also during the time Tumblr was really big and had a bunch of toxic thinspo/ pro ana things circulating around. Like I didn't get fully sucked into that but I remember thigh gaps really being a thing and how it was considered attractive to have bones sticking out specifically your collar bone, your rib cage, and your hip bones. And that's when I really started restricting my food. I started cutting out more and more foods and started obsessively counting calories. Luckily I snapped out of that relatively quickly, though those mindsets still trickle into my psyche every now and then. The worst part of me starving myself was that I was essentially congratulated for it. When a really skinny girl gets an eating disorder, people get super concerned and get her help. When a thicker girl gets an eating disorder, people ask her what her secret is for weight loss and tell her she needs to keep going. That's why now when people lose weight, I don't congratulate them or comment on their body because I personally don't know whether this person is implementing healthy habits or if the are coming towards weight loss with a healthy mindset. I remember everyone praising me for how skinny I have gotten. I remember people would come up to me and ask me what I did so they can do the same. I remember when people asked me, I would hesitate because I can't just be like "oh I only eat once a day and limit myself to 500 calories daily, I work out 2 hours a day, and I drink a ton of water so I don't think about my hunger ques." Instead I resorted to a generic answer like healthy eating and keeping track of portion controls. I had a little bit of shame and cognitive dissonance because I knew what I was doing was wrong and shouldn't be perpetuated. Even my primary care physician told me I need to continue whatever I was doing because it's working and that I could stand to still lose 10 more pounds. I believe I was 5'0" tall at this time and weighed 105lbs which would put my BMI at 20.6 and if I was 95lbs it would put me at 18.6 which is the borderline between normal weight and underweight. That's when I really started being skeptical of things and started questioning what is healthy for me personally. I knew that what I was doing wasn't ok or sustainable. Soon I found out that the BMI system isn't the most indicative to a person's health. It just takes the ratio between your weight and your height and because of that it can't take into consideration things related to body composition like muscle mass, water weight, etc. The measurements given by the BMI can be skewed by height so if you're short, you're more likely to have a higher BMI despite being an average weight while if you are tall you are likely to have a lower BMI and be labeled as underweight even if you are in healthy weight. Muscle mass is also something that effects BMI. A lot of people who are athletic and have a lot of muscle mass maybe characterized as overweight even if they are in a weight that is healthy and functional for them. I'm personally short and muscular so the BMI screws me over twice. I'm 5'2" and I have a lot of leg muscles without really working out because of the metabolism I inherited from my dad. That man hasn't done leg day since 1982, sits on the couch all day, is in his 60s but still has ripped legs. For me, it doesn't take me a long time before I start gaining muscle whenever I do something like weight training. Often times when I do gain weight, my clothes stay fitting the same way or sometimes my clothes feel looser because either my body composition (fat to muscle ratio) stays to the same or I end up being more muscular. Knowing this, I rely more on measuring myself since fat does take up more space than muscle even if it does weigh the same. For me personally, the scale isn't helpful and can give misinformation in regards to where I'm at with my health. It also can mess with me mentally to where I put too much emphasis on it and try to lose weight by any means possible causing me to working against my body instead of with it. Gaining weight easily but having it be muscle is how my metabolism works. And realizing that has saved me so much headache in terms of agonizing over the number on the scale. And speaking of family, I'm not big or anything but regardless of my weight, I always have a little bit of stomach fat. I had that little bit of chub for as long as I can remember and it was still there when I was struggling with an eating disorder and had a 23 in waist. And then one time I realized that literally everyone in my family has the same thing including all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins. I have two cousins who have had similar body image issues growing up and still now they work out daily, is basically keto, and tracks macros constantly. But in the end of the day, they agonize over how they don't have a six pack or a flat stomach. I feel that having a flat stomach and wash board abs is not attainable for me genetically because of the way my body stores fat. I still struggle with how insecure I am about my stomach but I try to reassure myself by telling myself that healthy doesn't look the same for everyone. That's a whole other can of worms tbh. But yeah when I catch myself going into a spiral about the way that I look and I get tempted to do something super restrictive, I try to keep in mind my height, metabolism, and the way that my body stores weight.