soos_mite_ah

Both Henry Cavill and Timothee Chalamet are what I believe twitter calls "white boy of the month" where you have a bunch of girls on twitter simping over random usually white boys before those girls finds new people to obsess over in the next month. I assure you for anyone reading this thread, normal girls or guys don't scrutinize your face or bone structure to that extent. Whatever flaw you might have, people don't care nearly as much as you do.

Ok I checked all the links out and I will say that I think it's stupid lol and that these people have WAAAAAY too much time on their hands. To me in in both the men's and the women's sections if it were up to me I would rank what the chart defines as a 10 all the way to 5 as very attractive to attractive depending on an individual's preferences. 4.5 - 2 to me look more like average people. The nose, lips, cheekbones, and face shape thing is kinda dumb. I looked at the people who they deemed as sub par as perfectly fine. I get the ratio and the symmetry thing but maybe the way I rate people is more broad and forgiving because I'm not out here measuring out people's faces like a obsessive lunatic, and maybe I might have a very inclusive definition of beauty and attractiveness. I also kinda get the skin thing but I find it nitpicky. You can be pretty attractive and still have acne or wrinkles. Yeah it's really difficult to just quantify beauty like that. Just because your nose is slightly crooked doesn't mean you get points taken off. Hell, most people probably aren't looking that closely at your face to analyze it and if they are that's weird as hell.

Intelligent is one thing. But to me a highly intelligent person knows better than to be an asshole and to manipulate someone. Being an asshole and playing games is a waste of time and puts you on bad terms with people. It's a dumb move if you ask me. From my experience, if a guy is really smart, he also has a lot consciousness to him. Then again, that might have to do with how I define smart. Stage red intelligent guys are manipulative and pretty dangerous. Very likely to be narcissistic. The example of a stage red intelligent guy that I immediately think of is a criminal mastermind or a ruthless mob boss. Stage blue intelligent guys are typically really smart in one area of their life, usually with their work. As far as manipulation goes, they are likely acting out a lot of trauma or a lot of unawareness to social issues, usually because of indoctrination. If you point out their manipulation, they would project and gaslight you. I met a couple of guys like that in college where they are academically really smart but they think trans people are subhuman and that women are born to submit and serve men for instance. Stage orange intelligent guys are usually the ones that are super ambitious, competitive, and like to one up people. I'm talking from my experience in school but these are the guys that will do anything to be number 1 and define their lives up with their stats, whether they are in high school and they derive their self worth from their high SAT scores, or they are in the real world and they define themselves by how much money they make and how much status their intellectual job might hold. IMO they are the most likely to manipulate because they think they are better than you because of how smart they are. Stage green intelligent guys may have the same lifestyle as stage orange intelligent guys where they are super ambitious and care about their work but they invest more of their intelligence into social and emotional intelligence. They are probably smart enough to be able to discern different social issues and empathize with women and their experience. They know how the economy and society works and they stand up for social causes, like climate change for example, not only because they care about the people getting affected but because they know systemically, caring about social causes progress society forward to where everyone benefits. Typically they look at the stage orange guy's desire to manipulate as stupidity in the sense of "you're so stupid and selfish for treating a woman like that" or "you're so stupid and selfish for not caring about the planet and that's why we are all screwed." I'm pretty sure these guys can still be manipulative but often it is more unintentional at least in my experience. But unlike stage blue, if you point it out, they are more likely to apologize and try their best of avoid doing whatever they were doing. Social and emotional intelligence is a huge indicator of how conscious and deep into stage green you are imo. I can't say much about stage yellow intelligent guys because I have yet to encounter one irl. I'd expect that they'd be even less judgmental than green who still looks down at other stages and writes them off as stupid because yellow knows about the spiral. I'd expect a stage yellow guy to also have too many ethics and self awareness to manipulate someone though I wouldn't say it's impossible, just much less likely because as you go up the spiral, you become less selfish and therefore less likely to manipulate because your ego doesn't feel the need to do that.

I also think passion is a huge factor. Often times I don't have the same interests as a guy but if a guy is passionate about something and appears knowledgeable about a subject, that's attractive. Sometimes that passion can seem like intelligence or nerdiness but I still rack it up to passion nonetheless because they don't know about the subject because they are smart, they know about the subject because they genuinely enjoy looking into it in their free time. Yet another reason to get a life purpose and invest time into things you are interested in or passionate about. Passion can make someone seem more authentic, ambitious and even intelligent, all of which are very attractive qualities. Plus if a person is super passionate about something, it makes you subconsciously think what other areas of life they may have that passionate energy in .

From what I understand you're talking about why when a woman makes the first move or starts approaching guys to flirt with them why that is looked down upon (correct me if I'm wrong). I guess it's the stereotype of men being the initiator while women being more passive at play. The man looks like he has balls when he goes on a whim and starts flirting with a lot of women, but if a woman does the same thing, she is seen as desperate and attention seeking rather than bold.

No I think it's a plus. Personally, I need to date an intelligent guy because I tried to go on dates dumber guys before and they straight up had no idea what I was talking about most of the time. Granted that this person is also emotionally intelligent. Emotional intelligence is much more important in a relationship than being logically intelligent. Also you can be logically stupid but also emotionally intelligent. Himbos are a real thing and some women prefer them. They are guy bimbos that are stupid and kinda funny but they still drink enough respect woman juice and have enough emotional intelligence to not be an asshole. In a lot of cases, they are too stupid to be deceptive and manipulative. They maybe slow but they aren't destructive.

This is kind of off topic but how do you even know where you fall in the 1-10 scale of attractiveness? Like so many people have so many various preferences, what looks like a 10 to me looks like a 5 in my friend's eyes and vice versa. I get what is considered attractive by society's standards but even then culturally things can vary A LOT. Also even if someone is attractive by society's standards, that doesn't mean that they are going to be attractive by an individual's standard. For me, I can look at a lot of celebrities that people often talk about being so sexy but a lot of the times, I can see why they would be considered attractive, kind of like how you can see why a painting would be considered beautiful, but I'm personally not attracted to them and they register as a 5-6 in my mind.

Food and Mental Health This is a subject that is interesting me more and more since I am seeing differences with how I feel emotionally after I eat. Hangry is a very real phenomenon lmao

Looking through old posts I just realized that I haven't thought of pizza since the time I had a flatbread about 2 weeks ago. I guess in some cases, just letting yourself eat the food you're craving and moving on is the best way to deal with the situation. I remember while I was writing this post, I was thinking about pizza almost everyday until I finally let myself have some. I responded to my future goals from a few weeks ago in the bolded words within parenthesis. I also have a couple posts where I talk about cutting down on wheat and soy based on what I saw on Leo's video. I knew that I wasn't going to follow that video exactly since a person's diet is a very individualized matter and isn't one of those things that can be fixed for many people with a one size fits all solution. I used it as a starting point since I didn't know what I was doing. Wheat isn't necessarily bad for me personally because I have issues with getting my carbs in as I have described numerous times with the headaches and the nausea I have been experiencing for the last few days. I believe that I still need it in my diet but I do have to be mindful of what kind of wheat I'm choosing, specifically whether or not it is gluten free. As for soy, I think things like tofu and tempeh can help my condition specifically even though this might be something that really messes with some people. Now unless any of that changes or I get any other type of new information, wheat and soy are here to stay in moderation.

I ate some white bread to deal with the headaches I was experiencing yesterday because of a lack of calories and carbs and how does my body repay me? By giving me a nice juicy pimple on my face that's how. God.... I hate this condition. I just want clear skin

@Preety_India I really appreciate it. Thank you so much

1/13/2020 Food Diary I woke up with a headache and even though my stomach wasn't feeling hungry, I thought it would be a good idea to eat anyway. That was really the theme for today. Even if I didn't feel like I needed to eat from my stomach, I still made it a point to eat more than what I'm used to in order to ensure that my body gets what it needs. After all, I have goals pertaining to that. I made it my intention today that I'm going to eat more than what I'm used to in order to see what will happen and see if my headaches and nausea goes away. Breakfast: 2 gluten free pieces of toast with an avocado and an egg: Originally I thought about eliminating bread entirely from my diet, even the gluten free kind. I thought that maybe that would help with the insulin resistance that is related to my PCOS. Yeah, that's not a good idea, for me anyway. I need to get some carbs and I think that is one of the reasons why I have been getting these headaches. I'm not eating a crazy amount of refined grains and I think I should be fine considering I have a lot of vegetables (and now incorporating more fruits) in my diet. It's not like my diet only consists of simple carbs. A handful of grapes and some pineapple: I feel like part of me didn't gravitate towards fruits because I thought that they are filled with sugar and that they would mess me up. I'm starting to question that and incorporate more fruits into my diet. I think an easy way to start is just having some fruit on the side with my regular breakfast or maybe as some type of snack. A glass of water with half of a lemon: I'm just getting back into lemon water. Lunch: Gluten free spaghetti with shrimp: I used some onion, tomatoes, garlic, bell peppers, shrimp, tomato sauce, parsley and a bunch of different spices to make this spaghetti. As usual, my spaghetti tends to be mainly vegetables and meat if I include some rather than noodles, but I don't mind that since that is usually how I like my spaghetti. I opted for spaghetti instead of a salad or zucchini noodles because I'm trying to get in more carbs and see if that helps anything. Snack: A handful of peanuts: This will help my iron deficiency. A green apple: again, trying to get in more fruits. I ate this apple when I caught myself feeling tired towards the evening and I found that it helped. Because I ate breakfast and ate a heavier lunch, I found myself feeling less tired around this time of day even though I still wanted to doze off. Dinner: Black eye pea salad with some spinach: I just had some of this salad remaining in the fridge and thought that I'd finish it up. 2 pieces of salmon: Trying to make dinner a little heavier than what I'm used to. Normally I opt for only one piece of salmon. Overall, I felt more energetic today, my mood felt more stable, and my headaches, though they were there, only lasted for a brief amount of time (maybe 45 minutes total in the entire day). I mainly felt tired in the evening but after I ate dinner, I felt energized again. I'm really starting to think that my tendency to want to take a nap in the afternoon/ evening is related to how much food is in my system. I also had a doctor's appointment today, specifically for the PCOS. I told him what I was doing with my diet and how I was feeling both in terms of the PCOS symptoms but also the headaches and the nausea that I was experiencing. He told me that it is likely that this is due to me restricting my calories too much and restricting too many carbs. And if I restrict more carbs, the headaches are going to get much worse and so will the PCOS symptoms. So, taking this into consideration, the gluten free toast, the gluten free spaghetti, and the gluten free tortillas are here to stay.

I mean I haven't been to a strip club so I don't know. I imagine that I'd think they were attractive but would I want to do anything physical or go on a date with them, probably not. I'm also more into subtlety and lightheartedness when it comes to I guess flirting or the way a guy approaches me. A guy stripping and giving me a lap dance aint it even if I think he is hot.

We get turned on by looks just as much as men do but we still take other factors into consideration. You can be hot as hell and that might give you more leeway and more of a margin of error if you are awkward, but creepy is still creepy even if you are hot. Social skills and emotional intelligence is crucial since for us attraction is also emotional/ psychological. So yeah we get turned on by looks a lot but that's not the only thing we get turned on by nor is it the only thing that is important. Exactly! The way you carry yourself and present yourself is super important. I would put the way you carry yourself as an intersection between looks and personality tbh.

@Nahm Thank you so much, this clears somethings up. This was super helpful

So, please correct me if I'm misunderstanding anything, what I'm getting is that I need to: find a silver lining in this situation and take advantage of it figure out a way that I can have my situation help my life purpose or simply ignore everything and focus on my purpose transcend what I find good and bad about reality and see it as neutral to the point the so called "bad stuff" doesn't get to me anymore because those labels (good and bad) are nothing more than a construction of my mind and the way the ego sees the world as things benefiting it and the stuff it relates to release the resistance I have with my parents by realizing that the reason why it gets under my skin is because what they are saying is deep down inside resonating with something inside me that I have yet to address.

@Nani I'm so sorry that you're going through all that. I cant say that I have the answers to what you're dealing with as I dont have experience with porn addiction and I'm not the best at describing free will vs determinism. But I do recommend starting another topic expressing your concerns to increase your chance of visibility with this set of issues. I hate to say it, but I dont think it really fits with the contents of this thread or original post.

A note to self on things I'm going to try to implement Make sure I eat enough calories. I don't like counting calories but I guess I can ensure I get more calories by not shying away from healthy calorie dense foods that are a good source of fat and protein such as meat, nuts, and seeds. This is going to help me get a better metabolism since I did have a history of restrictive eating. Incorporate more fruits in my diet. I know some time in this journal before I talked about how I don't get enough natural sweetness in my diet and as a result I crave a lot of chocolate. I also talked about possibly not getting enough carbs and wanting to eat fruits more because they are simply not present in my diet. Incorporating more fruits can deal with all of these. Eat breakfast regularly. This will help me get in more calories, boost me metabolism, and reduce any cravings I might have. It can also prevent me from feeling hangry or sad since sometimes those have a biological explanation which in this case is hunger, even if I don't feel it in my stomach. Also another thing that will help my metabolism. Try to exercise a little bit more. It doesn't have to be much or be super strenuous. I'm planning on going on walks and doing a workout or two video from YouTube. Incorporate foods that help with your iron deficiency. These include: Dark Green Leafy Vegetables (I personally like eating spinach and kale so I guess I could increase the amount I eat) Nuts (Eat these on a regular basis as well, usually peanuts but I can diversify with almonds, cashews, and macadamia nuts if I want) Beans & Red Lentils (I like eating these so I guess I can bump up the frequency by incorporating them into more of my meals I already eat) Pumpkin Seeds (also great hormonal balancers for the PCOS)] (might want to try that out) Broccoli (already in my diet) Millet, Buckwheat, Amaranth (literally never had these so there is an opportunity to try something new) Dark Chocolate (My favorite lol. But I still need to consider the quality by ensuring that it is dairy free, low sugar, and high fiber)

1/12/2021 Food Diary Ok y'all I'm back from my little food diary break. One thing I realized that for the most part I am able to sustain habits like being gluten and dairy free and reducing the amount of sugar I am having without having to track everything I eat. That's good because to me that means that this is becoming a habit rather than something that I have to constantly track and obsess over. Of course, I have been more lenient with myself such as the time I let myself use some greek yogurt for a zucchini pasta recipe and I have let myself eat chocolate but I think that's good for ensuring that I don't put myself into a restrictive and perfectionistic mindset. Breakfast: 1 slice of gluten free toast with half of an avocado and an egg: Usual breakfast no big deal. I decided that I'm going to make it a point to eat breakfast regularly since I am getting headaches and nausea from not eating enough. Because I often skip breakfast, adding in breakfast will help me get in extra calories. Lunch: My usual zucchini noodles: I guess I'm not going to go super into detail with what I'm putting into certain dishes because I don't want to be too repetitive that is unless I did so something different. This time I added some chicken to my usual bowl of noodles just to get in some more protein and increase the satiety factor. Garlic bread: I took some regular bread and put this garlic butter spread on it which I made by mixing regular butter, garlic powder, and parsley together. Normally I am gluten free but I have noticed myself getting a lot of headaches. At first I thought maybe it had to do with me not eating enough but I found that even after eating I would get these migraines. I then hypothesized that maybe this is because I'm not getting enough carbs so that's why I opted for the regular bread since gluten free bread doesn't have as many carbs. And thankfully, I didn't have a headache for the rest of the day after eating this. Snack: A handful of peanuts Dinner: Black Eyed Pea salad: Has cucumbers, tomatoes, red bell peppers, black eyed peas, flax seeds and parsley. I had this with a little bit of ranch that I'm trying to get rid of. More of the same zucchini noodles: I made too much for lunch so I decided to have whatever was remaining for dinner. It was still a good amount but paired with the salad, it was filling and I didn't have any problems with feeling hungry afterwards. Snack: Lemon water: I mentioned in a post that I'm going to try to have more fruits in my diet, specifically more fruits with water because I miss having that. I cut up a couple slices of lemon and put it in some water and drank that. After that I ate the lemon slices and like half of the lemon as if it was an orange by eating everything except the outer skin. I know that's a little strange but I like lemons as a fruit instead of just something to squeeze on to something for extra flavor. I'm the same with limes as well.

Migraines, Nausea, Fatigue, and Bloating.... Fun Times So for the last few days I have been dealing with these head aches with a little bit of nausea and fatigue mixed in. I thought maybe this is because I'm not eating enough. I tried eating a little bit more despite how I was physically feeling. The fatigue, nausea, and the bloating initially made me not want to eat. After eating I noticed my bloating and my fatigue go away so I'm pretty sure that was the culprit. I get this feeling that because I cut out most grains from my diet that as a result I also cut a lot of calories. Because I cut so many calories, my body basically went into starvation mode. I found it weird that I was getting tired and bloated by not eating because I guess in my mind I associate being tired and bloated from eating too much, you know that overly stuffed wanting to go into food coma situation you fall into after having a large meal. And as a result, when I felt myself getting bloated and tired, because I know it isn't due to any food allergies since I am still going along with being gluten and dairy free, I restricted food even more thinking maybe this is because I'm eating too much. Then my situation got worse and I found out that I was actually feeling tired and getting bloated because I wasn't eating enough. As for the nausea and the migraines, I have had to still deal with that. I felt a little better after making myself eat more but I found that the nausea and the migraines were still there. They aren't super bad and rather slight but it is something that is noticeable. Whenever I caught myself feeling nauseated or with a headache, given my issue with not eating enough, my instinct was to eat something, usually like a fruit or a little bit more food when lunch or dinner rolled around. That helped but then I would notice the headache and the nausea come back after a couple hours. Today I felt the headache come in but not the nausea. I wondered if this was because I wasn't having enough carbs in my diet. This wasn't my first instinct because I believe I have a lot of carbs in my diet because I eat a lot of vegetables (my first instinct was that I wasn't eating enough but then again even after eating I would still have the headache). But I didn't rule it out because I know that I did cut a lot of carbs from my diet by going gluten free and just cutting down on grains because of my PCOS. Apparently after a quick google search, nausea, fatigue, and headaches are common when you do a ketogenic diet because of the drop in carbs. That felt odd because I don't think I was doing anything out of the ordinary. The only thing I can think of was that I was eating chocolate for a couple days and then completely stopped because I ran out and wasn't craving it enough to go buy more. I certainly wasn't trying to go keto either. But nevertheless, I tried to test this out. I got a slice of regular bread, made some garlic butter using garlic powder, parsley, and butter, spread it on the slice of bread, and popped it into the toaster to make garlic bread. After eating the garlic bread, I found myself feeling better. I didn't have a migraine or nausea during the entire day, so I think that did the trick. I'm also going to make a point to eat breakfast more frequently and make that into a daily habit. I found that on days where I didn't have breakfast, the symptoms were worse. Also I need to increase the carbs in my diet as well as the calories so that I can ensure that I am eating enough.

Thoughts of Dating for a Short Term Relationship I talked about my prolonged sense of emotional thirstiness with a therapist the other week and I learned to see my desire in a different light. I'll explain what's going on with me just for a quick summary about my history with wanting to be in a relationship so that there is some context to my post. Also, the way I'm defining short term relationship is a committed relationship that lasts for 4-9 months. I have been wanting to date and be in a relationship since I was 16 (I'm 21 now). While I was in high school, I didn't let myself date because I was living in a chaotic household and was really depressed, anxious, and busy with school the entire time. I thought *hey maybe I should work on myself and sort out my issues before jumping into something so that I don't end up in a situation with a guy who will treat me badly.* And to this day I think that was a smart move. Probably saved me from a toxic situation or two. When I got to college and I started going to therapy, because I started feeling better and because in my past I told myself I could date once I solve all of my issues, I had a lot of repressed desire to go out, date, and flirt with guys come up. Most of the dates I went on were pretty mediocre so nothing really came of it but that's around the time when I began recognizing my repressed desire to romantically connect to someone. I told myself hey there is nothing wrong with dating and flirting with people but I wasn't going to get into a relationship until I know that I can be emotionally stable for 1 entire year. That means that I'm depression and anxiety free for an entire year. I said one year because to me that meant that the stability I had was consistent. I told my therapist about all of this, how I fall asleep every night cuddling a pillow and creating romantic scenarios in my head before I fall asleep, and how most of my thoughts when I'm not preoccupied with anything revolve around fantasies about being in a relationship. I also told him that while I had this want to get into a relationship, I was also scared that I wasn't stable enough for one. He told me that hey even if you are dealing with a little bit of anxiety and depression, you can still get those needs and experiences fulfilled. Now if it was in a situation where the anxiety and depression was debilitating, that's another story, but if you find yourself managing it, there is nothing wrong with putting yourself out there. I told him that I was concerned with codependency, choosing a partner that wasn't good for me, and a plethora of other issues that could come from dating when you don't have your shit together. And to me, having everything together at this moment means that I am depression and anxiety free for a year, I am on top of my game academically, I have a thriving social circle, and I have a job lined up because that way I can ensure myself that I am confident enough to stay away from people who aren't good for me. To that my therapist responded by telling me that I'm pretty self aware about the potential traps that I could fall into given my anxiety and depression and that being aware of those traps and thinking through them is enough to avoid a lot of bad situations. And if I find myself in those situations where it is leading to that direction, I can set boundaries or even get out of the relationship. I'm not bound to it forever. Finally, there is nothing wrong with dating while you're still a work in progress because technically, everyone is a work in progress regardless on where they are in their lives. I think that's what I want to emphasize to myself, that I can date and put myself out there while still being a work in progress, that I don't have to be perfect in order to date. I also want to emphasize that I can get into a relationship and not be bound to it long term. That's a conclusion that I came to. I'm don't feel like I'm ready for a long term relationship that lasts a couple years but I also really want to scratch that emotionally thirsty itch to get a romantic equivalent of post nut clarity (I'm sorry I don't know how else to phrase it lmao ). Part of me isn't ready for a long term relationship because, first of all, I have never been in a relationship and I have limited experience with guys so it's like going from 0-100 real quick. Another part of me wants to focus on other aspects of my life and not get too off balance. And finally, getting into a short term relationship can be like a long term relationship in training wheels of sorts. It will also challenge this notion that I have where I feel like I have to be perfect and fully actualized before putting myself out there. But I haven't thought of getting into a short term until now. To me that wasn't even an option that came to my mind. For me, in my head, my options were the following from least committed to most committed: (LEAST COMMITTED) A series of one night stands: I want to explore my sexuality more but personally I feel like I need to establish some type of trust and emotional connection before getting into bed with someone for quality sex. Plus I'm terrified of increasing risk of STDs from having numerous partners. I know condoms are a thing but still. (KINDA COMMITTED BUT NOT REALLY- BUT IT ISN'T TOO COMPLICATED) Friends with benefits: This takes care of the trust aspect of the equation because you know the person to some extent. But for me, I want that emotional connection. I know damn well that I am the type of person that would associate sex and having romantic feelings and I don't want to put myself in a position where I get attached to someone in a situation where I'm supposed to keep things no strings attached. Seems very unfair and drama inducing to me and the other person. (KINDA COMMITTED BUT NOT REALLY- IT'S COMPLICATED) Situationships: I would also put "situationships" in the same category as friends with benefits except to me the lines and the communication of a situationship is even more blurry to where one party thinks it has a potential to be a relationship while the other is leading them on or some variation of conflicting expectations. It's even messier than friends with benefits because at least with a friends with benefits both parties are in the same page regarding expectations. To a certain extent, labels are important and I want to know what I'm getting into because I'm not about to waste my time and put my heart in a position where I'm basically being scammed by a fuck boy. (FULLY COMMITTED) Long term relationship: This takes care of the trust and the emotional connection/ romantic piece of the puzzle. But like I mentioned before in this post, I don't feel like I'm fully ready for a long term relationship. Plus when I catch myself wanting a relationship, I don't fantasize about the friendship aspects that are really supposed to create the foundation for a good long term relationship. And part of it is because I'm really emotionally thirsty and I need the romantic equivalent of post nut clarity. I should probably take that out of my system before getting into a serious relationship. In my opinion, a short term relationship falls in between kinda committed and fully committed. It's more like you are casually committed. You can have that romantic/ emotional aspect as well as the trust aspect in the relationship and yall are committed to each other but it isn't an all in type of commitment. With a short term relationship I can release the built up desire for wanting a relationship but I'm not getting into anything too too serious if that makes sense. It would also make dating less daunting for me because I feel like because of my perfectionistic tendencies, I find myself treating dating as a minefield of crazy people instead of something that I can have fun with. I'm really rigid about what I do and don't want in a partner, and don't get me wrong having those standards are necessary and important, but when it dips into the territory of being rigid and nitpicking someone, it goes too far. And I feel that if I were to get into a relationship knowing that it isn't super serious, I wouldn't be so perfectionistic with what kind of person I'm looking to date because I don't feel like I'm going all in with a person.

I feel that often times when people believe that they are better off 100% solo in many cases say that because they didn't have quality relationships and therefore they generalize and believe that all relationships are like that. I think people's social needs can vary in a wide range but even if you have a very small need for socialization, that is still there. Just a thought.

I was talking about the whole thing with the Trump mob rushing into the capitol and causing mayhem. Apparently there were also explosive devices found near by, there were people who went in with the intent of taking hostages, and a bunch of people also wanted to assassinate Mike Pence as well as Nancy Pelosi. I'm currently studying management international relations and human rights. I'm not 100% sure what I want to be in life but I know that I want to do something that helps businesses operate more smoothly both for the sake of efficiency but also so that people are being treated fairly since work does impact quality of life. I really care about wealth inequality and worker's rights. My light at the end of the tunnel right now is moving out of my parent's house and regaining my sanity after all of this so that I can feel like myself again. Working towards that type of authenticity so I can live my best life is super important to me. I'm also super interested in anything related to the social sciences and understanding how people work whether it is individually, collectively, or within systems. I'm trying to keep myself busy by finding things I think are interesting and nerding out about them. That's another way I have been coping with all of this. I look at the chaos in the world, analyze it, go all mad scientist on the topic since I'm already ruminating, and try to find something to learn or nerd out about it. I also do this to a certain extent with my parents where I like to psycholanalyze them because it helps me understand where they are coming from meaning whatever they are doing doesn't feel super personal to me and therefore relieves the frustrations that comes with a gap in understanding. It also helps me to distance myself from the situation a little bit and take on a more observer role instead of being consumed in the chaos.

Thought these were interesting videos Personally I can't say that I know what men go through when it comes to body image but I can say that I grew up around a lot of guys who didn't have the healthiest outlook towards their bodies and went to extremes to get shredded. I feel that working out automatically has this connotation with being healthy and as a result, when people would look at guys who had horrible body dysmorphia go to the gym all the time, it was seen as them "being healthy." I have this one cousin who works out constantly, weighs himself everyday, and can't even enjoy food anymore because of these standards. It really hurts me to see him in that way and I did try to check up on him but I also know there is only so much I can do and that I couldn't be too confrontational about it especially since I'm not super close to him. And the rest of my family is all like "oh he is so into fitness, he needs to keep doing what he is doing etc" and they completely ignore what's going on mentally. There is the notion with fitness always being painted in a healthy light and there is also whole notion of men not being able to have eating disorders but that's a whole nother topic and it greatly has to do with masculinity, needing help, and the stigma around mental illness for men because it isn't seen as manly or strong to have emotions. I believe there needs to be much more awareness around men's issues when it comes to body image because in most of the cases the conversations revolve around women's beauty standards. I get why. Society places much more value on the way a woman looks and women are bombarded with a ton of bs. But completely ignoring the other end of the spectrum with men is also super harmful because being insecure about the way your body looks and going on diets and exercise regimes that can be dangerous to one's health isn't limited to gender. I also found a comment under the men's body image video to be pretty interesting. It was basically summing up the way I felt watching the video: "It’s funny how many/most people are more attracted to average than to extremes, but media portrays beauty in extremes, i.e., straight women, on average, are attracted to men with “average” bodies, and straight men, on average, are attracted to women with “average” bodies, but media makes us believe that only super skinny women and super ripped men are attractive." Yeah and I think part of the reason why these extremes are more pronounced in the media is because there needs to be an element of shock factor that engages a viewers attention so the media take standards that were already present in society and they go above and beyond. There is that, but there is also the obvious culprits of people trying to sell you shit. Like the comment, I agree that most people are still attracted to average. I don't even think being average looking is even an insult tbh. But because of the way that the media exaggerates things and makes things larger than life, it makes it seem that way, as if average isn't good enough. And personally, body type hasn't really been in my mind when I look at a guy and think he is attractive. I have liked chubbier guys, skinny guys, and even guys who work out. I have a whole range tbh. I guess my only preference is when it comes to height where I prefer guys who are 5'6" to 5'9" because I'm a short person and really tall guys low key scare me. But even then I wouldn't reject someone because of height, that's dumb. I thought the comment section of the Ugly Duckling video to be gold so I included a few of the comments below: "It's interesting how the ugly duckling trope also coincides with the "I'm not like other girls trope" of the 90s and early 2000s. Like on one hand, only girlie girls are considered datable and worthy of getting the guy but then on the other, we praise the "tomboy" or the "nerdy" type and often pit her against the girlie girl and SHE ends up getting the guy in the end. Examples I always think of are "10 things I hate about you" and "a cinderella story". It's almost like women can never win. /s lol Also Mean Girls was ahead of it's time. ALL women are amazing and we are not each other's competition." "I think the thing I wish these movies did, was portray these glow ups as girls taking care of themselves if they were neglecting themselves before. Girls having the confidence to wear clothes they wanted to wear, not wearing what's on trend. They all transform into one specific type of eurocentric beauty standard woman, instead of actually becoming confident versions of themselves which just sucks." "Here's the thing. As a woman myself, some DO find empowerment in embracing more 'feminine' traits or 'looking like a sexy bad bitch' or feeling great and powerful in flowy dresses and all of that is fine! What bothers me is how forced it is. If a woman (or man or non-binary) wants to go through a makeover because they decide it could help their sense of confidence, which a makeover is sometimes able to do, I think it's awesome and incredibly empowering. But in all these damn movies, the makeover is FORCED upon them to please OTHERS, not themselves. And most people I know who do makeovers isn't because they were ugly before, it's just they need a change and sometimes a physical change can help in that - which is A okay." "The worst thing is I think there is definitively room for this "makeover" trope to be used in an actually empowering way. If I think about moments where my style has drastically changed in my own life, it has more to do with gaining confidence, finding new interests i want to echo in my clothes or emancipating from my parents than trying to look good for a boy or whatever. I think presenting a girl or woman having a style change for any of these reasons, basically just because she is evolving, growing, getting bolder, would have way more of an impact and would be more enjoyable to watch (at least to me). Also this way it doesn't have to go from "neglected"/"boyish" to "feminine" automatically which I kind of hate as well haha." The Kardashians are a whole mess tbh and there is a lot I could say about them but I will save them for another day.

I guess I should give some more context to my situation: I have been trapped in a house with my parents since March and given the situation with COVID, I won't be returning to my college campus until late August. My parents, though they may be a bit annoying and toxic, are people I can for the most part deal with if I am in the position where I have to. But, because I have to be with them all the time, it started taking a toll on me. I'm trying to take it one day at a time but honestly, this feels like it's dragging on forever. I am coping by staying in my room most of the time so I can minimize the amount of time I spend with them, take the initiative to do most of the errands in the house so that I have an excuse to go out (and as a plus this looks good for me in their eyes), and increase the amount of healthy influences in my life even if it is just watching educational YouTube videos. I can't really go out much because my parents are super paranoid about COVID and they are at risk. Still, I find even with doing all of this to cope, I still feel that my sanity is being chipped away because I never had to deal with a situation like this for such a prolonged period of time. There is so much isolation I feel with the rest of the world and with my general circle and a computer screen only does so much. Additionally, speaking of the pandemic and the general trauma regarding 2020 (and i guess also moving into 2021 since the U.S. capitol basically came under attack), I feel like I'm in a chaotic place. All I see is bad news and the world going up in flames. I've never been the type of person that gets super phased by this type of stuff because I can often see how conflict can lead to growth on the collective. But I will be honest, I am finding myself getting exhausted and worn out because it is one disaster after another. I have stopped watching the news for the most part, I have decreased the amount of time I spend on social media so that I don't have to deal with the constant influx of doom and gloom from people talking about disaster 24/7, and I have limited the time I spend with my mom since she is always in a panicked state because she is glued to the computer checking the number of COVID cases. I'm not in the place financially or logistically where I can up and leave my parent's house. And I sure as hell don't have the power to calm down the chaos that is taking place in the world right now. If I could, I would escape to another dimension and come back once Earth is done throwing a tantrum. But I can't change or get out of my situation. I now need healthy ways to cope so that I can ride this thing out and come out not completely in pieces at the end of the tunnel once this is all over.