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@Preety_India Of course not This is a way to keep myself accountable so it doesn't happen. After all, there is a huge difference between simply knowing what to avoid and actually knowing what you need to do.

Religion and Spirituality Ok so for my first post I didn't know what to start off with and since I'm in a spiritually oriented forum, why not start with religion and spirituality. From my experience, a lot of South Asian people are sensitive when it comes to religious identity and interreligious relationships because of the politics surrounding religion in that area. Because I grew up in the U.S. and because there aren't that many brown people in my area, the idea of marrying outside of my race and religion is a very likely possibility. And for my family in India and Bangladesh, I can see them getting triggered with that idea where they are like "if you marry a Christian what religion are your kids going to be" (I was raised Hindu btw). And my answer from a young age was that I want my kids to choose their religious and spiritual path for themselves. I don't want my kid to follow whatever religion my spouse or I are practicing. I want them to think for themselves and explore different ideas to see what fits best for them. That's probably going to be a recurring theme in this journal where my priority as a parent would be to instill critical thinking skills and freedom of expression to my kid. Indoctrination to a world view doesn't sit right with me. I want them to come to their own conclusions. Also religion and spirituality is a very personal thing. I don't feel right imposing myself onto someone like that especially my own child. Even though I grew up in a Hindu family, my dad wasn't religious at all while my mom on the other hand prays 3 times a day (7 when she is anxious about something). My mom never had this expectation that I had to be as religious as her. And even though I'm not religious I can see the peace of mind that religion can bring to a person. I also used religion to connect to my own culture as well. I can see the healthy manifestations of religion and how it can help people find a sense of community and a sense of faith in their lives which is why even though I personally identify as agnostic, I don't demonize religion. But I think religion can get out of hand when you blindly follow it and abandon you're critical thinking skills which is why I'm going to emphasize critical thinking in my future posts. Even though I am agnostic and I want to raise my kid in a religiously neutral way, I'm still going to celebrate things like Diwali, Christmas etc. I want my kid to be exposed to different communities and generally enjoy themselves in different festivities. I don't think you have to be super religious to get value out of those things. This also has to do with learning about different points of views and cultures which goes along with critical thinking.

Gentleness and My Journal on Getting My Diet Together I have been focusing on learning how to be gentle with myself for the last few months because some of the issues I have been talking. I talk more about this and my perfectionistic tendencies in my main journal. I was thinking about my eating habits and my body image and eventually I started thinking of how gentleness plays a role in all of this. Here is a quote from an entry in my main journal. The main reason why I feel that I wasn't successful at fixing my diet before this attempt was because I wasn't gentle with myself. I wasn't patient or slow, I wanted a quick fix. I wanted to go on a juice cleanse and be really strict with myself for 3 weeks and have a flat stomach because I thought that's what health was. That's what the diet industry sold to me. I mentioned this many times in my journal but I'm pretty sure the reason why people are reluctant to try healthy eating is because they have this incorrect preconceived notion that is going to be hellish and restrictive. I wasn't attentive to my body or my tastes in foods so when I did inevitably backslide because I wasn't feeling well or I hated the food I felt that I had to be eating (or not eating) I was harsh with myself. Instead of trying to be attentive and fix my approach to what I was doing, I blamed myself for my lack of discipline instead of being forgiving. Growing up I wasn't loving, empathetic, or accepting towards my body. Sure there is improvement to be made now but my body image was so much worse when I was growing up because I was surrounded by unhealthy messages. I had this rushed and chaotic approach to diet and exercise because I wanted fast results since I wasn't happy with the way that I looked. I had unrealistic expectations when it came to tackling the bad habits with food and I tried to fix everything overnight. And in the end of all of this, I blamed myself for not having discipline. I didn't realize how much of discipline goes hand in hand with gentleness until fairly recently. I think it's because when we think of people achieving big things, we imagine these monumental and dramatized efforts. It's what makes good stories. Since we are talking about food related stuff in this journal, I think a good example of dramatized efforts is any reality tv show that is about weight loss where they show clients working out for hours a day with a team of professionals and then they change their body in a matter of 2 months or something crazy like that. When in reality, if you are trying to get healthy, it's a bunch of incremental steps with small acts of discipline. But if you go in thinking it's going to be this mountain you have to climb and it's going to be a harsh journey from start to finish, you're never going to want to start even the smallest step. Part of being disciplined and being gentle with yourself is accepting mundane small steps instead of taking drastic measures and in doing so you are showing more patience towards what you're trying to achieve because you have faith in the final outcome. After thinking about all of this, I noticed that I still have difficulty of being gentle with myself in the areas where I'm the most soft and vulnerable because I have this mindset of basing my worth on my competence due to my perfectionistic tendencies. I was thinking about this in terms of my emotions but then I was like *wait, this is also literal and physical.* What I mean by that is that I have difficulty in being gentle with myself and accepting the softest part of my physical body which is my stomach. It's always been the squishiest part of me and I wished that this little bit of squish wasn't there. I always wanted a flat stomach even when I know it isn't a realistic thing for me. I thought that was interesting and that this is a place where I can embody gentleness even more.

I just realized there is a quota on the number of attachments we can have I already used up 44% on my journals Guess I have to make my journal less visually appealing smh I liked having images break apart huge blocks of texts.

Media Consumption Analysis Part 5: Instagram I have 3 Instagram accounts. One is my main that everyone follows, one is my finsta where I let people who are close to me follow, and then the last one is what I call my antisocial social media. No one follows that account. I disabled the first two recently because I caught myself comparing myself to people and getting into spirals. I'm going through something rough at the moment and I don't want to add salt to the wounds I'm trying to heal. The third account, my antisocial social media is the only account I have at the moment. On my antisocial social media, I don't follow anyone I know in real life. I also don't have anyone following me. I only follow accounts that bring me joy on that account. I see my feed as the dream board that updates itself. I mainly follow a bunch of South Asian small businesses and content creators, music that I stan, YouTubers I enjoy watching, people advocating for mental health, a few people I find attractive, and a couple of social justice accounts. I don't go on my Instagram super often but I usually log on like once or twice a week. The biggest portion of accounts I follow are South Asian small businesses and content creators. Most of these people are from the U.S. or U.K. and they fuse both western culture and their South Asian background into their content. When I first found these accounts, it was the first time I felt represented in the media. Like completely represented. I have resonated with media before but it always felt like only part of me was being represented instead of the whole of me. For instance, while I enjoyed watching Bollywood movies occasionally, as a kid I didn't resonate with it that much because the American part of me wasn't being represented. And it doesn't help when brown people, usually people in my parent's generation or people who are straight from South Asia make you feel like you aren't brown enough or that if you are South Asian American, you don't have a culture rather you are a watered down version. Then you have mainstream American society that doesn't make sense from the way you were raised at home. So basically you find yourself in this awkward in between. I grew up in an area without a lot of South Asian Americans so I didn't have many people to relate to. It felt a little isolating at times. Sometimes I can't relate to people at school and sometimes I can't relate to my parents and family when it comes to the way they were raised. Luckily, I didn't go through the phase of hating myself as a brown person. I know a lot of brown people who lived in predominantly white areas go through that phase where they feel the need to whitewash themselves in order to fit in. I've met some brown people in college who went as far to Trump supporters in order to gain acceptance from white peers which is YIKES to say the least. I grew up in a predominantly black and Hispanic area. A lot of people were children of immigrants who shared some parallels with my upbringing even if they didn't share my experience with being South Asian. And mostly everyone were people of color so we didn't hate on each other on the base of that. Even though I did have to deal with racism on a systemic level with my school being underfunded because of socioeconomic reasons and things of that nature, there is only a handful of instances of racism I faced in that environment, none of which made me hate myself. In that way, I consider myself incredibly lucky. That said, even though I never hated being brown, I wasn't exactly proud of being brown either. But a lot of these accounts really showed me the beauty of being brown in the South Asian diaspora. We don't have some type of watered down culture, we have our own. One of my favorite accounts is @brownhistory. The account posts pictures with captions telling people's personal stories when it comes to immigrating. I personally didn't know a lot of my own history as a South Asian American. Obviously I learned American history in school and I have a basic understanding of Asian history from my parents and my world history classes, but when it came to the South Asian diaspora, I pretty much had to teach myself. I also follow a lot of fashion accounts. Some of them are of Indian clothing designers because I find Indian clothes so beautiful. When it comes to special occasions, I don't feel dressed up unless I'm in something Indian. But a lot of accounts are from South Asian American influencers and small business owners. I find the way they combine eastern textiles and designs into western outfits and make something new and creative. I really like @srutijaydevan and @amydevan There is also an account called @browngirltherapy that breaks down the mental health issues that a lot of people from the South Asian diaspora face. Asian Americans in general have the highest rate of mental health issues especially when it comes to things like depression while being the least likely group to get help. A lot of it has to do with stigmatization in those communities as well as a cultural disconnect between therapists and client. And finally, of course I follow a handful of South Asian meme accounts. The best part of being brown in America is that you get memes from two different cultures and it's like you share inside joke with a large group of people lol. My aunties watch Indian soap operas for the plot. My friends and I watch them for the memes and the overdramatic transitions. I know people can drag social media for being low consciousness and a waste of time but IMO, you can use social media as a way to uplift yourself and educate yourself as well. It's not so much about social media being bad or good, rather it's about learning how to use it mindfully. I also feel that the best part of social media is that you can make your own platform instead of waiting around for the industry to approve of you. It's a democratization of media. Sure there is a dark side of it where you have people who shouldn't have a voice like conspiracy theorists and alt righters having a platform but I also think it's unfair to discount the good that comes from this which is that minority voices can have a platform and reach people. I know people love to drag influencers and Instagram models but if you compare them and fashion models for instance, there is so much more diversity in terms of race, body shape and features in the first group compared to the later. And as a woman of color, there is something empowering about that. Feeling like you are seen sparks a lot of joy.

I watched D'Angelo Wallace's video on Leo. I watch D'Angelo's content every now and then and found his content entertaining. I think his video is a good representation of how any normal person who hasn't really looked into Leo's channel will view Actualized.org. I remember having these same exact thoughts when I first discovered Actualized.org. If you are the average person and then you encounter a series of videos on how this guy claims to be god, how you are god, and how you need to take this illegal and potentially dangerous substance to realize that, I think it is healthy to be skeptical of that. I went in to this mindset of skepticism but I still continued watching Leo's videos because I found them interesting and useful. I still take things with a grain of salt and I try to rely more on direct experience and additional sources before jumping to conclusions. But you have to understand, most people don't know about nonduality. Once you start learning about nonduality as a concept, even if it is only on theoretical terms instead of direct experience, Leo's videos make more sense. It becomes less about some crazy bald guy who claims to be the bearded man in the sky who you should worship and do everything he says and more nuanced because your understanding of god changes. Also, most people who do psychedelics don't do it with the intent of actualizing or for spiritual reasons. So I can see why someone would be concerned with people becoming addicted to it recreationally. I will admit that I did feel a little triggered when I saw D'Angelo make that video. But I think it's because I really like Actualized.org and as a result part of me identifies with it. Consequently, when someone critiques it, a little bit of defensiveness can get stirred up. For the most part I thought it was kind of funny to watch someone who doesn't have much exposure to spirituality freak out over this. I just brushed it off afterwards tbh. It's not that serious. I'm not saying D'Angelo is right or that I agree with him but I understand where he is coming from and why he would be freaked out. Also, don't try to convert people or change their opinions. There is already a perception of this place being a cult and pushing people to think a certain way will further cement the idea of this being a cult in their minds more IMO.

Did you just download tiktok? Because that's what happened to me the first time I downloaded tiktok and it was boring as hell. So I deleted the app I downloaded tiktok again during the lockdown because I was bored but this time searched up somethings I was interested in, liked a shit ton of posts, and then my for you page changed completely.

You'll Thank Me One Day I know I already posted a meme about how I was feeling because I find the rest of the scene also applicable. The little girl is just like "well, excuse me" which honestly is a mood. I feel I keep talking about my situation with not coping with this very well and I'm sure if I vented out to people I would seem over dramatic and unable to adapt. Her grandpa is just like "Just keep digging, you'll thank me one day" and it made me think of the last time I felt absolutely horrible about life back in 2018. That time was awful but now I can look back at that time I took for myself and be grateful for that opportunity, even though I was suffering when I was in it. It isn't nostalgia. It isn't the wish to go back to that time of my life and relive it (god no). It's about zooming out and seeing the conflict for what it means for the rest of the story. That's how I try to think of somethings in my life, as if I'm part of some novel and I'm the reader, the writer, and the character all at once. Oftentimes when we read a good book, our favorite moments that are the most meaningful to us aren't the happiest parts, or the parts that are the most exciting rather sometimes they are the ones that are the most bittersweet, the ones that make us grow the most, the ones that are the most insightful. But it's hard to see that when you are also the character in the story, the main character at that. Naturally you want what feels the best for you in that moment. But that doesn't always make a good story does it. And I hope that one day in the future, I can look back at this time and be thankful for the pandemic, thankful for the lockdown, and thankful for how much time I have had to spend with my parents. It's painful now but I will make it worth it for I will be. I might not have much faith right now and my circumstances, but I have faith in the person I'm becoming, in who I want to be. Even though I don't want to and even though it is hard, but maybe I should use this opportunity to dig into my psyche more and really sort out my issues so things are effortless when this shit is over and I can hit the ground running.

It's really just like any other social media imo. It all depends on what side of tiktok you're on whether you are on makeup tiktok, attention whore tiktok, gay tiktok, straight tiktok, witch tiktok, creepy weirdo tiktok etc. Personally, based on the posts I've liked, most of my for you page is people who are into psychology, people giving me career advice, history facts, and gay people joking about their daily existential dread. With some people's posts, I'm surprised how concisely they are able to break down complex topics.

@RendHeaven Thank you I see this place as an organized mess of me psychoanalyzing myself. I'm glad you see the organized part of it lol

Personal Development To Do List (bolded ones are the ones I want to focus on more) Need an internship and clarity about my career Achieve financial freedom Get out more Make friends and get into a relationship Get out of your head and stop hyper analyzing Get over social anxiety Address feelings around shame Get your physical health together Stop procrastinating Be gentle with yourself Tackle your perfectionistic tendencies Stop basing your self worth on your competence Stop spiraling about capitalism

In honor of March 2021 when I'm not even done processing March 2020

Media Consumption Part 4: Being in my Head I noticed that pretty much all of my channels have some combination of the following: a form of analysis, spirituality, leftism. When it comes to the leftism part, pretty much all of the channel creators have hinted at that being their view in politics even if it isn't the bulk of their channel content. I think that is important to note down as far as how my world view and my attitude is being formed. And when I'm not doing that, I'm usually doing school work which means I'm reading a shit ton of peer reviewed journals usually about the social sciences (I don't have that many readings or papers in my business classes). That means more analysis related content, usually in a more dense form. I should probably also add that once I got to college, I had what I call my nerd awakening where I I threw myself head first into my work because I fell in love with the subjects I'm majoring in. While I was still a curious nerd in high school, I was also pretty apathetic towards school because of the subjects I was forced to take and because I wasn't being challenged enough. Both of those things changed when I finally got control over what I got to learn. I haven't really socialized much since I got to college for a variety of reasons. Now a lot of that has to do with me being trapped at home. I retreated to analyzing different subjects and being in my head even more so. This is a tangent but I've been contemplating the nature of my personal masculine and feminine energies. My masculine energy is very analytical and strategic. It copes with issues by wanting to jump head first into problem solving. It's very assertive and good with maintaining boundaries. It is productive and finds satisfaction by making and achieving goals. I feel that my masculine energy can be rather authoritative which is why people assume I have my shit together and know what I'm doing. That can be intimidating to some and I have been told this in a number of occasions. My feminine energy on the other hand is more contemplative and intuitive. It isn't as structured as my masculine energy and instead wants to take things slowly at it's own pace so that I can take every emotion in an experience in. My feminine wants to take a warm bath, and then curl up in another person's arms instead of always being on the go. It honors the strength in vulnerability. My feminine energy is also giggly and carefree. That can give me a rather sociable and bubbly appearance to others. My masculine and my feminine energy intersects when it comes to being in my head. My masculine side is oriented towards analyzing something on the outside while my feminine side is more oriented towards contemplating things on the inside. I think there is also an intersection when it comes to my interest in the social sciences. My feminine side is more interested in the social aspect of it in order to empathize with people in different backgrounds while my masculine side is more interested in the systemic aspect of it and how the world works on a larger scale. Finally, there is an intersection when it comes to leftism. My feminine side is interested in it because it cares about people and wants people to have a basic sense of well being and be able to be free from structural issues so that they can live a more carefree and fulfilling life. My masculine side wants more efficiency in the system by taking care of the people first so that the world can further actualize its potential. I think my masculine side is more drawn to really information-dense types of media while my feminine side is drawn to more spiritual and emotionally dense types of media.

Media Consumption Analysis Part 3: YouTube I'd say the bulk of the stuff I watch is on YouTube. I'm not really the type to binge on shows or movies tbh. I don't watch TV either. I went off to college and the only time I watched TV was when I came home and my parents wanted to spend time with me. Even though I'm home now, I still don't watch TV. But yeah I watch a shit ton of stuff on YouTube instead. I remember there was a time when I listened to shit on of music and I did a journal entry back in 2015 or so just noting down my favorite music just kind of as a little reference for future me. I'm basically going to do the same here. Informative Channels: First we have the legend herself Contrapoints. I stumbled on to her channel in 2018 when I started going to a really conservative university and as a result was very angsty. I needed answers and I found a few of Natalie's videos talking about the alt right and shit just made sense. It gave my angsty little heart some clarity. But I have still hanged around. Her videos are always a treat and look forward to her posting. The above is my favorite video by her (and I'll be doing this for all the other people I talk about). I found Kristen Leo's channel back in 2017 when I was getting into my minimalism and sustainablity phase. It really started with me wanting to declutter and find a new sense of style but suddenly I found my self on the side of YouTube that talks about fast fashion and over consumption. I don't watch her videos super often but I've been hella angsty about capitalism and global warming lately so I've been watching more of her videos because mood. I check on DW news to have a general idea of what's going on but I like watching their documentary channel more. When I watch these documentaries, I remember the time I had a phase where I watched a shit ton of TED talks back in high school I really like how Second Thought breaks down lefist ideas. Really got into this channel after the pandemic started. I found Vaush's channel after joining this forum. I watch his content quite frequently tbh. Academy of Ideas is a little bit towards the overly individualistic world view and therefore can be a magnet for Jordan Peterson fanboys but with a critical eye, this channel is a pretty good philosophy channel. I don't know why but this channel reminds me of the time I had a School of Life phase a few years back. Commentary Channels: I don't know when I found Tiffany Ferg's channel but I know that I really started getting into her videos when she started doing her internet analysis series which eventually turned into her niche. I find them really interesting and entertaining. Jordan Theresa's content is similar to Tiffany's and I have been binging lately. I'm putting Luke Alexander and D'Angelo Wallace in the same category mainly because I watch both of them for commentary about YouTube drama. I don't keep track of YouTube drama mainly because I don't care but I like knowing what's happening along with something insightful thrown in the mix. I'm not super into their channel but I check up and binge every now and then. The Take's media analysis is always on point. I had to subscribe. I couldn't decide which video by the Pop Culture Detective to put so I decided to put two of them there. I love the sociological analysis that goes into these videos. I even used one as a part of a presentation for a research project in college. I found Brooey Descenel recently. I posted about her earlier but I really like her way of analyzing media even though I'm not a huge TV or movie person and even though I haven't watched the vast majority of the pieces she talks about. Self Help: I'm going to separate this into a few sections Channels with good vibes: I noticed that I watch Kaylyn Nicholos's KOZE channel, Leeor Alexandra, and Isabel Palacios whenever I find myself spiraling. They just give me good vibes and put me into a postive mindset where I don't feel like I have to spiral about petty things. I found them when I got really into manifestation. Channels that I use to really sort through the bs in my life: These are the channels that make me want to sit down and contemplate what has been said afterwards. I don't think I really need to expand that much Health related videos: I found Abbey Sharp about a year ago and I really like her approach to healthy eating and how she emphasizes a good relationship with food and your body. I find her videos informative and socially conscious. I found Kiana Docherty's channel ad I have been learning more about food. She does commentary on food and dieting and I feel like she haw very reasonable opinions. I also found this channel as I have been getting more and more into food and my health. What I've Learned has a lot of good videos on food related content which is important because there is a lot of bs when it comes to diet circulating around.

I was thinking for the last few days how people talk about how things will change in the U.S. and how a lot of people don't actually get up and leave when they joke about immigrating to other countries. The whole America is the greatest country in the world narrative, even if you don't believe it, almost makes you feel like there is no where you can go so you end up having Stockholm Syndrome for a country. It's like the abusive boyfriend that convinces you that you don't want to leave by saying he'll change or by saying there is no way you will find anyone better. I have tried to go to the U.K for college. That didn't work out because my dad's health was going down hill and I don't want to be on another continent if anything happens even though I was trying to move far away from home. I'm lowkey happy that didn't work out now because I don't know what I would have to do when the lockdowns happened last year or if I would bring back the virus and infect my family in my efforts to come home. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I made these plans before and I'll do it again and this time I will succeed. I'm manifesting this. Until then, I'll just be listening to "American Idiot" by Green Day. Also, I suddenly remembered this video exists

@Raphael Yeah When I daydream about moving to New Zealand

not sure if this leans more yellow or green but there are some elements of yellow that I found

I found this channel and I fell in love with her analysis

Anti-Capitalist Depression Spirals So March 13th 2021 is coming up and for the last couple months I found myself think *damn, I have spent an entire year in this mess* I look back at where I was circumstantially and emotionally this time last year. I was so SO SOOO happy. I sorted out the bulk of my childhood trauma, I was living by myself, and I was thriving really. I was ready to start my 20s off in the right foot. My childhood and my teen years were a mess but that's behind me now. I was looking into the future. Sure, like any college student trying to figure out what to do with their life there was a level of anxiety and uncertainty but I had put plans in place to address that. It was manageable. I was so happy to where my happiness was able to sustain some type of sanity even in the first 6-7 months of the pandemic. But moving back home started to take a toll on me and started to erode me slowly but surely. That anxiety and uncertainty I felt about my future felt more and more crushing as the world started spiraling out of control. I consider myself relatively adaptable and as someone who really likes change. But this wasn't a change that I chose with an ounce of agency. It was chaos I was pushed into. Essentially this is how I feel as I was doing my school work and filling out internship applications: And if there is anything this pandemic has made clear as fucking day is the limitations of capitalism. Which brings me to Gen Z. Honestly, I feel like we are like Millennials as far as political beliefs go except we're like... feral. Like millennials had the peace and the prosperity of the 90s but got a rude awakening when 9/11 and the Great Recession happened. Gen Z never got the chance to sleep. Sure, we're more woke I guess but at the cost of our sanity. I was born in 1999. My earliest memory was 9/11. The Great Recession, boomers bitching about health care, and old people talking about how the coming generation won't have a better life than their parents were the back drop of my childhood. Sure I didn't know wtf was going on at 8 but chaos was something that was normalized to me. I don't know a time when the world wasn't in chaos and we weren't fighting some forever war in the Middle East. I don't know a time when people would say that America is the greatest country in the world and not have it sound absolutely delusional. ] This is basically what I have observed based on the millennials I have associated with ranging from friends who are like 5 yeas older than me to my young college professors. I feel like Gen Z has this unhinged, chaotic sense of humor that we use to cope with world events by making memes. I remember making jokes about school shootings and having the adults around me, even the younger adults, look at me and my peer group with horror. We care about making change and we are willing to support any solution that comes our way but we are also desensitized to the pain. With the school shooting example, I would imagine in the middle of class what I would do in an event like that and plan shit out in my head. I stopped feeling things when I would see shootings on TV back in 2013 after Sandy Hook. There is just so many situations like that. Also with Sandy Hook, the reason why that hit hard for me is because the day after I had to baby sit a group of 1st graders who were the same ages as the victims of that shooting. And ever since then, nothing compared to that. Speaking of being desensitized, I encounter this with my millennial professors in the social sciences. Some times we get into the topic of wealth inequality an they are like "omg it was so horrible it was so shocking when I was yalls age, what do yall think about this (this usually referring to debates around health care, the 1%, student debt etc)?" And the everyone my age would be dead in the eyes until someone speaks up and says something along the lines of we're not shocked, the people around us have been talking about this since we were kids. But there is a part of me that feels depressed about living in late capitalism. I guess that's just the Millennial in me talking. Although there are trends in collective groups, I find generations stupid because of the way it can paint a broad stroke. I feel like I'm in that awkward in between to where I'm too young to be a Millennial but I'm also old enough to where Gen Z would bully me for my side part and skinny jeans on tiktok lol. Speaking of tiktok, there is this one song I found there that struck a chord with me. I'm having trouble finding it but here is how the lyrics went. Gen Zillennial Born in '99, not feelin so fine Got stuck in between the lines Still mad at my parents cause the let me get a Facebook when I was 9 I posted duckface selfies in a bracelet saying "I <3 boobies" Got sent home for wearing heelies an for trading silly bandz and tamogotchis But my Millennial siblings won't talk about their feelings I talk about my depression earning minimum wage in my second recession My parents taught me respect but now it's my job to teach them how to act Cause I'm their kid that turned out queer but at least they didn't vote for Trump last year It's the turning 21 in quarantine for me Growing up with That's So Raven on TV Liking Green Day and Avril Lavigne but never really going through a phase of "scene" More socially educated than the people whom I'm related Cause I'm the youngest of the family But I'm not young enough to be Gen Z Sometimes because of late capitalism, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. In my last couple of posts about some things I want to do but that's so that I have something to aim for instead of turning into a nihilistic blob. The future just feels so dystopian now. It's filled with environmental destruction and the greed of the 1% that has been slowly cooking us alive but the boomers are too unware to notice it. Even before the pandemic I would sometimes talk about future plans with my friends and sometimes we would joke and say "I mean it's not like the world will be around after 2030 because of climate change what's the point of planning hahaha." But there is this part of us that was serious in a nihilistic sense. Nothing is promised to us. The future doesn't exist. Especially with this pandemic, I really don't know what the world is going to be like. I can barely make plans for something 2 months down the road much less 2 years. It's both exciting and terrifying. On one hand things could always get much worse since the pandemic is simply speeding up trends that were already there but on the other hand, thing can get better as more and more people wake up and start demanding change. Of course, the later scenario will take time. Even after this is over, we will still be left to pick up the pieces. That will take another decade at least IMO. There is no going back to normal. And to take it in an individualistic direction, I put in a lot of effort into making sure my college experience was going to be good by getting independence from my parents and sorting out my childhood only to no get a college experience and to be sucked back into my parents house again. I remember back at 16 I looked forward to traveling and exploring different cultures and really getting to know myself. It gave me something to hang on to. I kept telling myself, hey I just need to get through a couple years of high school and then I can live my life. Instead now, I'm back at the small town I grew up in and I feel like I'm 14 again because of the way my parent's treat me. I'm also dealing with financial issues because my physical and mentall health is all over the place and the health care system here is ass. Fuck capitalism This video hit me pretty damn hard despite having no memories of the 90s. The thing that is burned in my mind are the following: This. fucking. graph. If the Millennials are in red because of 2008, Gen Z will basically have nothing after the pandemic. That's something I caught myself thinking about even in the beginning stages of this disaster. If 2008 fucked over the previous generation that badly, what will the pandemic mean for us in the future? I feel like 2008 was a piece of cake compared to this bs. "Things were so terrible for so long to where we miss when they were just bad." "It was the neoliberal dream come true. The 90s were the best argument that the system works so long as the right people are in charge....The neoliberal dream did come true once and we weren't happy. We were famously disenchanted with it." "Jaded sarcasm isn't brave in 2020. It's the path of least resistance for edgy 4Chan lords. It does not imply a deep and abiding morality. This is the new sincerity generation where bravery is being a gender nonconformist socialist queerdo who refuses the ugliness of the world from closing them off from human connection. And young people don't feel trapped by the future because nobody believes in the future anymore," I'm going to end this post with a meme that depicts my default mood at this point. And every so often it devolves into this:

@modmyth Yeah I realized that a lot of people don't notice unless they are staring at your chest. I feel like that's my attitude toward my body image as a whole as I grow up which is the notion that people aren't scrutinizing your looks the way you do to yourself. They are either too busy to care, they are too worried about themselves to pay any attention to you, or they care but that's because of their own insecurities. In that case of people staring, my attitude is that they are the weird ones and they were probably going to stare regardless of if I was wearing a bra or not so I just stopped caring. I also resorted to doing the Billie Eilish when I was younger, but that was mainly because my mom would freak out over anything remotely form fitting. The whole thing about curvier women being promiscuous is rooted in classism and purity culture. It's a mess. The whole expectation of how to do your hair to appear professional is bs. It's pretty clearly rooted in racism smh. But I get why some people would just opt to chemically straighten their hair once and be done with it instead of doing their hair on a daily/ weekly basis. Wearing natural hair can in some cases be more expensive and high maintenance because of the products you need to keep it moisturized and to make it look presentable. But that should be up to your personal choice not up to how you want to be perceived by others.

I watched these two videos and even though I don't remember the 90s it struck an emotional chord and resonated with me for some reason. I just want to know what yall's thoughts are, what yall remember from back then, and if these two videos analyze that time well.

I think about that too. But there is a part of me that tries to be skeptical when it comes to nostalgia. I wonder if the 90s were really all that or if it was just a time when the world wasn't crashing down. In the first video by innuendo studios, the quote that hits me hard is something along the lines of things are terrible now to where we miss the time when they were simply bad.

@modmythYeah shopping for clothes with a larger chest can be difficult. One relief about college is that I didn't have to think about that as much because I don't have to deal with dress codes and I moved into my dorm so I didn't have to deal with my mom getting on to me for what I was wearing. Even though I did loosen up a little, I'm still in the habit of dressing conservatively because of that. For a few years I thought it was normal to put this much thought into shopping until I went shopping with a couple friends a year ago or so and then part of me was like *oh, so most people don't think about how things fit that much* Shopping for bras is annoying as hell. It's difficult to find my size and when I do it's expensive. I remember back in 2018 I had to buy a bra because I went up a size, I saw the price tag and then I was like *that's it I'm wearing pasties, I'm just going to slap them on and call it a day.* With the exception of certain clothes, I just don't wear a bra because I really don't care anymore And when it comes to family, I cared so much more when I was younger. Now when it comes to comments, it doesn't feel hurtful but it more so feel awkward and disrespectful. I'm pretty sure when I move back to my dorm in college, my mom's opinions will fade even more because I'm not going to hear them everyday. As for hair, I didn't see that many people flat iron their hair like that. But I do remember there were a lot of girls who would get relaxers to permanently straighten their hair when I was in elementary-middle school because I was in a predominantly black area. Then once I got to high school, everyone started getting into wearing their hair natural and doing the big chop so that they won't ever have to get a relaxer to fry their hair again. A lot of it had to do with rejecting Eurocentric beauty standards. Even though I don't have coily curly hair, I remember that at this time after talking to some people I realized that I have curly/wavy hair and that I shouldn't brush it out because that will ruin the pattern and make it look like a frizzy mess which was one of the big reasons why I reached for the flat iron in the first place. I still flat iron my hair every now and then but it's mainly because I'm too lazy to deal with taking care of my hair.

Media Consumption Analysis Part 2: My Lana Del Rey Phase I find myself really drawn to Lana Del Rey's music since about fall 2019. I always thought her music was beautiful but I didn't look too deeply into it. One of the reasons why I find myself drawn to her is summarized by this one tweet I found a long ass time ago on brown twitter which was along the lines of "Lana Del Rey makes me feel like the reckless, rebellious white girl with a trust fund that I never was." I can't really relate to her music which is why I like it strangely enough. It's like I'm embracing this part of myself that I don't get the opportunity to otherwise. I wrote out a whole entry for this last night but I decided against posting it. I'm going to keep it private because I'm not ready to expose myself lol. Basically long story short, LDR helps me have an outlet for some of the trauma and issues I currently have and gives me an outlet to explore my unhealthy desires and impulsivity without actually going out there and doing something stupid.

Wisdom I really liked this video. I watched it 3 times and I took brief notes so that I could contemplate afterwards. I wrote little side notes on where I feel like I can improve the most. Wisdom is: Good judgment / keen perception Solid values/ good priorities Deliberate and thoughtful Contemplation/ reflection/ existentially oriented Care about knowing themselves Care about self deception Openminded Know that you don’t know Experienced: I need to get out more tbh. I feel like lack experience tbh. Holistic/ big picture Valuing truth Non-judgemental: This is something that I really try to be mindful of. I think the biggest thing I judge people on is competence. As a result, I hold myself to a high standard to where I have trouble forgiving myself, being gentle with myself, and I get myself into perfectionistic spirals. Knows life is counterintuitive Long term thinking Patience Independence of thought Nuanced Learn from mistakes Flexible- can change mind Tolerate paradox Objective, neutral, and unbiased Principled but not dogmatic Takes responsibility Doesn’t avoid emotional labor: I feel like I can improve on my avoidance tendencies and my avoidance of responsibility. I tend to mesh blame and responsibility together and that isn't healthy. Able to abstain from cravings Has self discipline: ooooff..... I'm getting better but there is a lot of improvement that I could make. Values education Learns from other people’s mistake Balanced and moderation Avoids false equivalence Mature High emotional intelligence Can admit when they don’t know Can forgive and let go: I mainly struggle with self forgiveness. I don't really hold grudges with other people. Careful when giving advice Values solitude Compassionate and selfless Foolishness is: Bad judgement and poor discernment: I did have a huge slip in judgement recently and I have learned a lot from that. Stays in a toxic relationship Poor sense of priorities Loses big picture- petty Ignorant and proud of it Lacks discipline: talked about this earlier Can’t admit mistake Underestimates problems of life Anti-intellectual doesn’t care about education Doesn’t self reflect Too busy to contemplate Wants to just get the answers and get shortcuts: YIKES!!! I say that because I know that I often feel like I see actualized.org videos as cheat codes to life in a sense. Doesn’t see value in truth Sees truth as what serves you: YIKES!!!! I came to the realization of this when I was watching the video on the limitations of science. I think I tend to absorb certain pieces of information and certain types of self help because that's what helps me in my particular situation. I do have a bias in terms of what I find myself drawn towards. Confuses biases for truth Not concerned with existential questions: I'm not super concerned with existential questions at the moment because I feel like I need to have the foundational stuff down first. Oblivious of self deception Gullible and easily manipulated Inexperienced Wants to stay foolish Dismisses wisdom Tries to get into mudslinging competitions Closedminded Judgmental Rash impatient and reactive Cant plan ahead Egotistical and selfish Mob mentality Blind followers Dogmatic Can’t control cravings want quick fixes: I fall into this trap mainly when it comes to diet and exercise. I have really been confronting this recently. chases money, sex, pleasure, and fun avoids responsibility: talked about this already takes reality for granted expects things to be easy lacks balance and moderation can’t apologize, focus, or admit when they don’t know doesn’t invest in self avoids emotional labor: talked about this already holds grudges engage in gossip and speculation dogmatic advice (doesn’t understand relativity of advice)