soos_mite_ah

Media Consumption Analysis Part 1: Being a Material Girl I'm going to have a little series of the types of media that I'm encountering, the types of media I find myself drawn to and the types of media that basically shaped me in a way. Recently, I have found myself drawn to and resonating with these two songs. I decided to think about that mainly because it felt rather out of character for me. I started to contemplate my desires. I have talked about what kind of experiences I desire regarding travelling and exploring and I have touched on my desire for a short term relationship. I then tried to think about my materialistic desires. Honestly it's a relatively short list: Be financially secure and not worry about money: I want that feeling of abundance, agency, and peace of mind in my life. To me, that means being financially free from my parents, not worrying about paying rent/ bills and living with a ton of roommates, feeling like I can splurge and treat myself if I want to (not so much doing that but having the option to do so), and having a good amount of savings for emergencies because again, peace of mind. Treat myself to something nice every now and then: I want to get that one robe on my amazon wish list that costs like a $100. I guess I could get it now but I'm cheap tbh. It's been on that wish list for like 3 years now lol. I want it, but I cringe at the price. Buying a laptop because my last one broke. The one I want right now is like $400 but I'm waiting for it to go on sale. I can see myself buying a laptop like once every 5-8 years. I also want to get a couple nice candles from Bath and Body Works because candles that smell nice make me happy. I want to get some new clothes because I haven't bought anything in a couple years. Nothing too expensive but nothing that will disintegrated after one wash. Get a nice perfume about once a year or so. Those are I think some of the things I want to splurge on at the moment. I mainly just get the urge to buy myself something other than the necessities less than a handful of times a year. Big ticket items Travel: see last post A vintage Volkswagen Beetle: It's a car that I liked as a kid. This isn't a necessity. I'm perfectly happy with the car i have at the moment. But I guess if I had all the money and didn't have to worry about it I would consider it but I wouldn't buy it right away because I like to think things out. It also depends on where I live. If I live in the middle of a large city then no but if I live in an area that requires me to have a car then maybe. COLLEGE TUITION: Luckily, I am getting financial aid and I have a scholarship. I'm super lucky to have my parents also help out with this as well. I'm nervous about grad school and I hope to god that I get my masters paid for by a job that I get after college. Then, I can have some peace of mind A dog: Not necessary but I wanted one ever since I was a kid. Again, depends on my life style. If for example I have to clock in long hours at work, I wouldn't want a dog because the poor thing would be stuck at home and lonely for long periods of time and my heart won't let me do that. Sometimes I think what I'm asking for as being rather extravagant. Idk, maybe it's because I lean towards being cheap. My dad thinks it's weird mainly because he loves spending money. I remember one time I charged like $15 on my credit card to get something and my dad thought it was suspicious activity because normally when I buy things, it's usually single digit food related purchases. I also never saw the appeal of really expensive things like designer clothes. sports car etc for me personally. They just seem extra and bougie. I guess if it came down to what I REALLY wanted, it would boil down to financial security and grad school tuition, The rest is just extra tbh. Again, I think my materialistic desires boil down to wanting a feeling of abundance, agency, and peace of mind. Another reason why I find myself being drawn to these songs and really party music in general is because there is a part of me that just wants to shut off my brain and take a break from contemplating, actualizing, and working through trauma. There is also the whole thing with the world being a huge dumpster fire. I don't watch the news anymore but I still make sure to stay in the loop about things so I'm not totally uninformed. I think there is an element of escapism and desire to go into this frivolous, carefree mindset. There is this trend of bimbofication that is on the rise on tiktok. I noticed this trend keep popping up and I found it rather interesting. This video breaks it down pretty well and was pretty insightful. To summarize it's mainly a bunch of women who want to reclaim their femininity and own their more feminine interests without having people bring them down. The modern bimbo is also characterized as a radical feminist and lefist which I find as an interesting take on the trope. She is there for the girls, the gays, and the theys and she expresses her disdain by capitalism by taking money from rich men. She is also pro sex work and doesn't slut shame other women. Her stupidity is often played out in a satirical sense but there is an emphasis on emotional intelligence over IQ. I think this can best be seen in the himbo trope. A himbo refers to a guy bimbo and is characterized by a guy who has no fucking clue what's happening. He is an idiot but he drinks enough respect women juice to not treat people like trash. He has emotional intelligence and is a well meaning guy. He is mainly harmless because he is too stupid to play mind games and manipulate people in the first place. Basically he can be summarized by this: While I don't find myself acting on this trend, there are a few things that resonate with me mainly things pertaining to the values the modern bimbo holds that I talked about above which includes inclusivity, reclaiming femininity, and being a leftist. What really struck a chord with me was that in the previous analysis vide touches on the desire to wanting to shut off your brain for a little bit mainly because of the exhaustion from absorbing information constantly. I tend to over think and over analyze and that has helped me a lot throughout the years. I like looking into things that are informationally dense. This is habit of researching the shit out of something is also a coping mechanism. To know what's going on gives me a sense of control in uncertain times. It eases the frustration and alleviates the confusion. At the same time, it also leads to anxiety and perfectionism. I'm starting to see the limitations of this more and more. I have talked about this in a previous post on this journal. I remember reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and he explained on how happiness isn't found in the mind rather it is found in being present, especially in meditation. For me, I find that meditation opens the gate way to contemplate and that's great, but it currently isn't what I need. Don't get me wrong it helps but I don't think it's the whole solution for me personally. I need to turn off my brain at times and to do that, I think I need to take more of a break from actualizing and just go out and have some fun and do something that doesn't require a shit ton of thinking (within reason of course).

Yes I relate to this so much. I got the message early on that I can't dress in some ways that my friends were because it would look too provocative based on the stares I got. I remember being young and impressionable then because I thought there was something wrong with me because certain clothes look totally different when I wear them versus when someone skinner would wear them. I was basically in this mentality that I needed to fit into clothes instead of finding clothes that fit me. And that mentality took a couple years to break free from. Even now, shopping feels more like a chore because what something looks like on a model or on the hanger might look completely different on me so as a result there is this whole trial and error process (and it doesn't help how women's sizes are literally all over the place). And yeah that is the version of Hayley Williams I wanted to be in terms of style. Especially when it came to hair because i didn't know that I had curly/wavy hair and as a result I did a shit job in taking care of it. I flat ironed my hair so often back then that I got a lot of heat damage. Also I would cut my hair super short because I didn't know what to do with my hair and because I was going through that whole "I'm not like other girls" phase. I cringe now because of the amount of internalized misogyny I had but I remember that being a very prevalent trope back then. I'm pretty sure it's still there now but I'm not super up to date on things but I feel like there are more people calling out that trope and making fun of it.

It can be a nice hobby to have and can put you in a flow state. I'm sure you can also incorporate a strategic/creative element into it like with any skill. It's also a good way to stay active. If it makes you happy, go for it. Why you're drawn to something is more important than what you're drawn to imo. Personally, that was my experience with sports growing up. But even if I liked it, I never caught myself drawn to just watching sports. I can see the appeal but a lot of it does have tribalistic tendencies wrapped up in it. Sometimes I watch sports with family just to spend time with them and I can appreciate the skill that the players are displaying and the mastery but when it comes to supporting a certain team over another usually on a country basis like when you're watching soccer/football, I just don't care that much and don't get emotionally worked up about it. I think it is this aspect Leo was talking about in his video on wisdom.

Party Phase but make it Cultured Some places I want to go to and some things I want to do: Spain: This place is interesting to me from an art and architecture point of view because of the European and Islamic influences. Also the food seems amazing. Mediterranean style food is my shit. I want to mainly go to a bunch of museums and historical places and also take part in La Tomatina which is this annual tomato fight that takes place once a year in Valencian (eastern Spain). While I'm there I want to go to a nude beach. I always wanted to go to one of those because I think it would be an interesting experience. Even though there are nude beaches in the U.S., I want to go to Platja des Cavallet in Ibiza because not only is it a nude beach but they also have flamingos there. I watched Zindigi Na Milegi Dobara once like 10 years ago with my family. I barely remember the plot other than the fact that it was three friends going on a trip to Spain but the one thing I remember is the tomato fight scene. There is something about it that just seems so fun and I think 11 year old me took it an ran with it. Japan: Growing up I was a huge weeb. That aside I think why I really want to go there is because I was planning on going there before the pandemic happened and I have talked to people and watched a shit ton of videos of things I should check out there. Somethings I want to do there include going to a maid cafe, traveling in the high speed rail (and contemplate why we can't have nice things in the U.S. because of lobbying), go to Disney world in Tokyo (haven't been to Disney since I was 7), visit some historic places, go to a hot spring, see the cherry blossoms, go to a Japanese 7/11, AND EAT ALL OF THE FOOD. I also want to go to one of those tiny capsule hotels as well as a Japanese love hotel. Those seem interesting. Brazil: I really want to go to Brazil to embrace my party phase. I went to a couple of college parties and those just didn't do it for me. I suppose I could go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras since it isn't too far away but I want to go all out. I want to go to Rio for Carnival. I'm not a huge party person or a person who is big on loud music and costumes but that is exactly why I'm drawn to Carnival. To me, I can get outside of my comfort zone. Also, if I were to do psychedelics, I would want to do it with a shaman who is experienced with it and who really gets the spiritual aspect of it as opposed to finding a dealer in the states at some sketchy party. Speaking of shamans, I want to see the Amazon forest. I'm interested in the biodiversity there and things regarding sustainability. New Zealand: This isn't really a place I want to visit rather I want to live there. They just seem like they have their life together as far as sanity and quality of life goes. I'm impressed with the way Jacinda Ardern handled COVID. I'm really just impressed with her in general and I simp for her for her competence. My favorite thing about New Zealand is that nothing ever happens in New Zealand. When was the last time you saw some crazy shit happen there of have seen New Zealand act tf up in the global scale???? Never. Plus I heard it's easy to immigrate there if you are an American and you are under 30. When I'm upset I tend to imagine myself in New Zealand with good worker's rights and then going to the south island to an Alpaca farm for the weekend. Plus, I always wanted a spring birthday hahaha. https://www.instagram.com/p/CCPJnvGJ_IQ/?igshid=200fpfefpsu1 This video of alpacas in the sunset sparks a lot of joy. I want to be this calm and at peace with my life one day. Antarctica: Penguins and cold weather make me happy. That's it really lol. Scandanavia: I want to go here twice. Once to see the midnight sun in the summer when it's day time for 24 hours and another time to see the northern lights. Other things I want to do that doesn't pertain to any particular place: Somewhere I can go dune surfing (basically when you surf on sand dunes). That seems exciting. Sky diving and bungie jumping: I love heights Ziplining: I have done this before and had a lot of fun but I want to do it in a larger scale. Go to a huge Holi festival: There is a temple near me that does Holi really well but I want to go somewhere where there is a lot of people there to celebrate. The more the merrier imo A music festival and/or Burning Man Cage diving with sharks: I went snorkling once and I want to do that with more risks lol

@modmyth OMFG Lights just unlocked a series of memories for me. I had a phase where I was really into her music and her style from like 2011 to 2014. I remember it was just me and my friend who got me into her but I don't remember her being huge. I remember her being Canadian and I'm guessing she was bigger there than in the U.S. Or maybe it was just where I was going to school idk. But yeah I strived for that aesthetic in my early teens. It was that and Hayley William's style in like 2010. Also when I think of 2008-2012, I immediately think of Jersey shore and edm party music. When it comes to fashion, I think of bump its. I think they were just there for a couple years but for some reason I remember them so clearly lol.

I can see some women lean that way especially if they are really stage green since by the nature of the stage is to be in touch with your emotions and care about the people around you. While that seems feminine and get associated with women, to me, it's like you can label it as feminine but it's a very human quality. Same thing with being assertive and being forward moving. It carries the label of being masculine, but it isn't necessarily a man thing if that makes sense. I think a lot of women who are green can also see embracing their femininity as a form of empowerment because since we were women we are told that being seen as feminine makes you weak. Why else can women wear pants and have that be fine but all hell breaks loose when a man decides to wear a dress? It's because men who wear things associated with femininity is seen as shameful. I guess the woman who you are talking to is very in touch with her femininity and that's her, I'm happy for her. But not all women are like that and that's ok. Personally if I had to put a number on it I'd say that I'm 60% masculine and 40% feminine. Naturally, I find myself drawn to men who compliment that mainly guys who have more femininity in them as opposed to masculinity. IMO masculinity and femininity do exist but they are also gender neutral. I think we really need to take down hierarchies to let what we feel authentically shine and let natural hierarchies come in. I wouldn't be surprised if there is a trend when it comes to masculinity/femininity and gender but to get an actual understanding, you need to peel back the artificial hierarchies and conditioning. Because social conditioning is a powerful thing and can be really subtle. This is a weird example but how often do you see men say the word cute when they aren't referring to women (like as in that's a cute shirt)? How often do you see men complimenting each other? How often do you see men who are comforted when they cry? How often do you see women who embrace their divine masculine at work only to be called a bitch behind her back? How often are women asked about marriages and kids even when they have said that they aren't interested in either? How often do you see a woman be angry and not be written off as hysterical? I could go on and on but my point is that in order to get a feel for what feels authentic to us, we have a lot of unlearning to do.

I don't see how those two views need to be separate. To me, when I see feminists talk about things like toxic masculinity and not demonizing femininity for example, I see wanting to move from the unhealthy masculine to the divine masculine and acknowledging that femininity can be a positive thing (appreciate the divine feminine). Sure there are different terms and ways of communicating but it's moving towards the same direction, just a different flavor. Also, I think you can see masculinity and femininity as a gender neutral thing. We all have different levels of masculinity and femininity and we should be able to express that authentically instead of being forced to box ourselves into one or the other based on what is between our legs. Separating masculinity and femininity from a gender binary is important to be able to integrated both polarities instead of limiting ourselves based on what we are told to be by gender roles.

I mean, I'm not surprised. Part of feminism is about not demonizing femininity and crediting the positive stereotypically feminine qualities (like empathy, compassion etc) as things that everyone should strive towards regardless of gender. I guess some stage orange people see the flattening of hierarchies of feminism and assume that means that women aren't going to be feminine and that they will be exactly like men. A stage orange view of feminism sees masculinity=femininity as those two being the same thing in terms of what they are while a stage green interpretation of masculinity= femininity is that the two are the same in terms of value but they can be different in terms of what they are (asymmetric but equal). The vast majority of feminists I have met see masculinity and femininity as equal in value and don't see anything wrong with masculine men or feminine women as long as it is expressed healthily and feels authentic to that person. There is this narrative that feminists are man hating and want women to be exactly like men. It dates back to the suffrage movement and it is to appeal to conservatives as "these feminists are trampling over our traditional values and want society to burn." It's nothing new. Also, I think embracing your divine masculine and feminine is about tapping into your natural levels of masculinity and femininity outside of gender roles. Some men are naturally more feminine than some women. Some women are naturally more masculine. And then there is everything in between and all of that is ok. Stage green is about tapping into your authenticity in regards to masculinity and femininity whereas stage blue will force you to conform to being hyper masculine or hyper feminine as the ideal even if it doesn't feel like you.

OOoof I remember everyone had there butt crack out and had to pull up their pants constantly to avoid showing their underwear. I remember being 7 and thinking "eww" but also thinking it was normal and that this is how all jeans are. I don't remember the whole whale tail trend mainly because I was a child. I guess I mainly remember the cringe worthy, funnier trends because they create more of a reaction tbh. When I think of the early 2000s I think of rhinestones, chunky blonde highlights on black hair, frosty eyeshadow, thin eyebrows, and vests. The late 2000s and the early 2000s blend together to me. I was born in October 1999 so I was 4 in 2004 and 8 in 2008. But when it comes to like 2008-2012, I think of the trend of being emo and scene. I wanted to jump on that bandwagon but my mom didn't let me lol. While I really liked that style, I also thought it was the most because sometimes people would go the extremes. I also had a pair of baggy pants and I remember them being comfortable. It isn't really my thing but I can roll with it. When I think of less cringe worthy styles of the early 2000s, I think of Freaky Friday and Bratz. Freaky Friday was my shit back then so there might be some bias there lol. But with Bratz, I know that really became a trend I think last year where people would do the Bratz doll challenge. They basically did their hair, makeup and outfits to look like a bratz doll. It's been interesting to see people make a new version of early 2000s fashion with a 2020 spin.

Life Is Easy Today I was talking about somethings with my therapist and I realized that I have this habit of overestimating my challenges and underestimating my ability to cope with challenges which then creates this gap where a bunch of doubt, anxiety, and feelings of unworthiness comes from. I filled out a bunch of applications for internships and I was surprised by how easy the process was. I thought "damn I must be doing something wrong because this wasn't too difficult." I think I have this attitude with a lot of things in my life and it causes me to overcompensate on whatever I'm doing and push myself way harder than necessary which then can spiral out of control and can lead to obsessive and perfectionistic behavior. I was raised by parents who doubted my abilities constantly. It was comical a lot of the time like how my dad once yelled at me and told me that I'm not capable of living on my own because I don't make the bed and I leave cups in my room. Like where is the correlation lol?!?!?! But as much as I can laugh at that, I still got the message that I'm incompetent so when I got to college and was able to function normally without any problems, I was genuinely shocked. Other times my parents would project their own incapability they experienced at my age onto me. My mom didn't get her drivers license until she was in her 30s (the place she's from didn't require her to have one). Because of that, she sees me driving at 17 and she gets really terrified even though I'm doing everything right. I'm 21, I had my license for 4 years and my mom is terrified of me going on the high way and thinks I'm too immature for that. That doesn't even make sense but ok. Also the fact that I'm a woman and that I have ADHD doesn't help because as a woman I look helpless, ditsy, and clueless and as someone with ADHD, I'm seen as irresponsible, unmindful, and all over the place. I don't think I'm any of those things but in the eyes of my parents, it adds up to incompetence. I started tearing up while talking about this. There is a huge part of me that bases my self worth on my competence I guess because I was never seen as capable growing up. My parents also raised me to believe that life is hard in every step of the way. I guess they said that so that I would accept that there are some things in life that are difficult and that I shouldn't shy away from it because it's just a fact of life. Key word: SOME. But no they said everything is hard. And when something appears easy, I end up over thinking because I feel like I'm missing something. Nothing is easy or what it seems. You're incompetent, that's why you can't see it. I think this then turns into a self fulfilling prophecy and basically the law of attraction. I think my addiction to self help is also related to this. I got into self help for a variety of reasons but one of the reasons is because I feel that I'm incompetent and that I need to study myself and the world to make the best decisions or else my life is going to be shit. I notice myself having this approach in dating and I'm sure it spills into other areas in my life but it's this attitude that life is a minefield of bad decisions so you need to be super careful with every step to avoid having something blow up in your face. I wish instead I got the message that I'm going to make mistakes and that it's ok if I do because I'm strong enough to get back up from it because I have the emotional coping strategies to learn from those mistakes. There are so many things that my parents made me feel was the end of the world when it wasn't. Sure, it wasn't smooth sailing, but that doesn't mean the trip was bad or that I'm a bad captain. Somethings I'm going to tell myself given my situation (basic takeaways): Life is easy. You are capable of going after what you want. You are much stronger than what you give yourself credit for. You are capable of overcoming all obstacles. You are capable of learning and bouncing back from mistakes. Life is easier than what you think. Life maybe complex, but it is also much simpler than we give credit. Ego sometimes complicates the simplicity of life and the challenges that come with it (especially true for situations involving self doubt).

I guess it depends on what backgrounds those older adults are from . You could argue that financially speaking it was easier back then but I would definitely say that emotionally the 1950s/60s were a mess when it came to parenting regardless of what part of the world you were from. Social conditioning is a VERY powerful thing regardless of age. We are still a very survival based society and people need to figure out how to meet and exhaust their needs both on an individual and systemic level before going on to self actualize.

Tumblr Thinspo Trauma from 2012 The last post made me think of other destructive trends I remember encountering as a child. After the early 2000s, I remember in the early 2010s that there were a lot of thinspo and fitspo related content. Thinspo is inspiration to get thin. Often times it would be a collection of extremely skinny girls and really restrictive diet tips. Fitspo is the same thing but it was more fitness and workout oriented but if I'm going to be honest, looking back, it was basically thinspo with abs and a sports bra. While there was less emphasis on dieting, there was a lot more on exercise. I fell into that whole rabbit hole when I was 12-14 years old. I remember waking up at 5 am in the morning before school, working out for an hour and then starting my day. Then after school I would work out for another hour (usually something light like walking and jogging on the tread mill). Meanwhile during school I would also have an hour long session of P.E. twice a week. So in a typical week I would have about 12 hours of exercise. And I remember that even back then, I still didn't have a flat stomach. It boggles my mind how fixated I was with all of this back then, how normal it seemed to me, how people congratulated me when really I was going through some real shit. I remember striving for hip bones, collar bones, being able to squeeze your entire waist with your hands, having a thigh gap and god knows what else. I hope to god none of those ever come back to fashion. Even after "thic" became a thing and suddenly everyone wants thick thighs and a huge ass, there is this part of me that still sees the thinspo ideals as something to aspire to. I have come a long way since then as far as accepting my body. There is a lot of things that I can look at now and really like about myself that I wasn't able to say back in 2013. I can now say that I love my arms and my legs for looking so strong. I love how my shoulders look so graceful in sleeveless shirts. I love how round my face looks to where I go as far as to accentuate the roundedness with the way I do my makeup and so on and so forth. But I will admit that I imprinted on those standards even though they have passed and that there is this little voice in my head that judges me whenever I try on clothes. That voice was a yell in my head and now it has quieted to a whisper. The situation improved, but it's still there. Shit like this makes me scared of the internet. I didn't think of this at the time but looking back now at 21, imagining my 13 year old baby faced self searching up this type of content is extremely worrying. And I know that this type of content still exists on the internet and on Tik Tok to reach a new generation of pre teens and teens who have body image issues. Like...I was a child back then. No child should have to deal with something like that. It really messes you up and you don't realize it or understand the seriousness of it at that age. I have older, boomer parents who barely knows anything about what is out there on the internet. It's to the point where they can be susceptible to conspiracy theories with a couple of wrong clicks (not only did I have to worry about myself growing up I had to be careful about my parents believing everything they see on the internet smh). I had to navigate this shit on my own. It could have been much worse. Thinspo is just a more politically correct version of pro ana or pro mia with better PR (Pro ana= pro anorexia pro mia= pro bulimia). I'm glad 14 year old me was some how smart enough to steer clear of the more extreme stuff. When I have kids, I'm going to make sure that I know what type of technology is available and how it works so that I know they aren't getting themselves into something dangerous. Both of these videos talk about pro ana/ pro mia. It is a more extreme version of thinsp but the posts that are discussed are things I remember encountering. The first video talks about the posts without showing them to avoid triggering people. The second video does show the posts so this is a warning to anyone that might be sensitive to this type of content.

Because they are voted in by low consciousness people who live in a low consciousness society.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeFwp2XN/ These tik tok and the comments under it articulate my point of view from the previous post really well.

Tik Tok Trends and the Trauma of Early 2000s Fashion Every now and then I go on Tik Tok because why tf not and I'm starting to notice a lot of people adopt the Y2K aesthetic. And surprisingly, a lot of people made it cute. I say suprisingly because I remember just how ugly the early 2000s were. I think this is a good example of how we look at the past with this nostalgic rose toned glasses and alter it to something that is more applicable today. Idealized images of 2005 made by 17 year olds who were small children back then aside (damn it feels so weird to say that a 17 year old was born in 2004, when I think of people born in 2004 I think of 5 year olds because my mind stopped processing time back in 2009), when I think of 2005 fashion I think of this: I remember back in 2008 I wore something like this and everyone thought I had drip lol. I thought it was cute, everyone around me thought it was cute. There were people wearing scarves as belts back then. It was wild I aint forget.That's why I'm always a little skeptical of trends because my immediate thought is my bad judgement and people egging me on back then because we didn't know better lmaooo. Fashion comes back every 20 years and I swear to god if this comes back, I'm roasting everyone. Even though I feel nostalgic about my childhood sometimes, I can't romantisize the early 2000s. To me, the early 2000s were a giant meme. Speaking of fashion coming back every 20 years, I'm going to have a field day in 2040 if face masks come back in style. 2020 is trauma if trauma was a year. Shits and giggles about the early 2000s aside, now I'm going to talk about actual trauma and the body image issues in the early 2000s. The low rise jeans Do I think low rise jeans are ugly? No. In fact I think on some people, mainly really skinny people, low rise jeans look better than high rise jeans. But for the vast majority of people, these jeans are a source of anxiety. I saw a bunch of people on tik tok freak out about it Hell I was internally freaking out about it too. Wear whatever you want idk but I swear if this becomes mainstream, anorexia and bulimia would become rampant. Because in order to "look right" in these jeans you have to have a flat stomach and abs and that isn't realistic for most people including myself. This straight up triggered memories. Nowadays, I still have body image issues because I don't have a flat stomach. I see myself as a bigger woman. There is a part of me that knows how irrational this is because I'm a US size 2. I don't say that I feel like a bigger woman because people would think I'm insane or attention seeking. I try not to complain about my body too much because you never know what people are dealing with and I don't want the people around me to feel self conscious. I thought I was being irrational and that this was all in my head until I saw people on tik tok talking about this and how back then anything over a US size 4 was considered fat and that you would be ridiculed. It is the reason why we have body positivity now and it has taken YEARS for women to recover from this era. Now I know where this irrational image of my body comes from. It was the damn low rise jeans smh. While I am still very uncomfortable with my stomach, I feel much more at ease in high rise jeans and the insecurities are I guess more in the back of my mind rather than the forefront. I remember before that became the norm, I was super self conscious of anything that was slightly tight or anything cropped. Now, that's basically all I wear and that's actually what looks best on me. To me, low rise jeans aren't necessarily the problem, it's the pressure to be skinny in them. A lot of my skinny size 0 friends would still have a muffin top in low rise jeans just because of skin in that area not, because of fat. I legit never want to hear the term muffin top again if low rise jeans come back in fashion. I remember feeling the need to diet since I was 9 all the way til I was 14 (2009-2014). It was the peak of my body image issues. I look back at pictures from that time and sure I was a squishy looking kid, but I was literally a child. Most children are squishy looking lol. But I remember always feeling like I was 500 lbs back then because of the way people made fun of me and because of what I was surrounded by at the time whether it be media or other people. I have this memory from elementary school (so like 2006-2011) where all my teachers would sit together at lunch and being the curious child I was, I remember over hearing on how every conversation revolved around dieting. There was one teacher in particular who was really skinny from the waist up but was thick from the waist down. She was so insecure of how pear shaped she was and how big her butt was and as a result dieted constantantly. At that time I thought that was reasonable because big butts weren't the goal back then and everyone wanted a nonexistent butt but now I look back and I think that damn, she would have killed it in 2017 because she is what the Kardashians wish they were. Body types shouldn't be considered trends. I don't care if the rest of the Y2K stuff comes back as long as we don't bring back the body shaming from that era.

let me know if you want me to hide this if you don't like comments on your journal I just wanted to say that I relate to this so much. I swear, the more I grow up, the more I realize that the adults around me who raised me haven't. This is especially true as I grow through the spiral however thankfully, spiral dynamics does give me insight about why the adults around me are the way they are. That understanding alleviates the frustration I felt previously with how they haven't grown up. That's my experience at least.

I have some stressors that I'm normally ok at dealing with but because of my changed circumstances, I find myself having to deal with those stressors constantly for a prolonged period of time. Its chipping away at me and I know that I'm most definitely going to have to deal with trauma regarding my situation and the prolonged stress. It's like that metaphor of holding a glass of water for a long time. Holding a glass of water is easy enough for a brief period of time. If you hold it for an hour, you'll have an ache in your arm. If you hold it for a day, your arm will feel numb, it may feel paralyzed or it fall off (according to the metaphor). In each case, the weight of the water doesn't change, but the longer it's held, the heavier it feels. Stress and anxiety are like the glass of water. My question is, how can I deal with prolonged stress better, given that you cant just get out of the situation? I want to minimize the repercussions of that stress so that I dont have go deal with residual future trauma responses if that makes sense.

There was a Subway at my community college. I remember I had a class right above it and every time lunch time rolled around, that classroom would smell like Subway because of shared vents. I used to like Subway. I mean it was ok, but because of that experience for a semester, I lost all taste for Subway and now I'm grossed out by it. I haven't had Subway in 4 years and I'm not intending to anytime soon.

My Unhealthy Stage Green Exhaustion Phase I think I'm at Cycle 2 Phase 4 at this point. I have been dealing with a lot of stage orange related trauma when it comes to productivity and late capitalism. I feel like I'm in the last leg of that. I remember the first time I was in this place (Cycle 1 Phase 4) I started embracing the pinnacle of unhealthy orange as a response to sorting out stage blue trauma while moving into green more deeply. It was as if I was exhausting any bit of orange that I haven't fully embraced yet. I remember feeling compelled to be super productive almost to the point of being a workaholic. That's how that manifested for me. Even in the moment I knew it wasn't super healthy but part of me felt like I still had to exhaust it. Originally I felt uncomfortable with this very part of orange but when I got to this phase, it felt natural to go through it as a part of a foundation for my future development. Similarly, I find myself in the same place but instead I'm moving into unhealthy green as I sort through my stage orange trauma while moving into yellow. I sometimes catch myself going into these angsty anticapitalistic spirals and feeling tempted to embrace the archetype of the hippie that sits around smoking weed all day (I'm not smoking weed but that's just the energy I'm in lately). I also catch myself getting attracted to astrology and tarot as a way of giving me hope and explaining my unpredictable life (again, not coming at this from the healthiest mindset, there isn't anything wrong with astrology or tarot per se). While from the birds eye view I know what I'm doing isn't the best manifestation of green, I feel like again I need to exhaust it to move forward. These were originally things about green that I was uncomfortable with upon finding the spiral dynamics model and now I'm taking those things to the excess so that I cover the stage thoroughly for a solid foundation. I also find myself feeling burnt out like I predicted but it isn't the same type of exhaustion burn out that I felt in the first cycle. This time, the burn out has been about being tired of self development as a whole to where I feel like self development has turned into a fixation. I took a break from this site for about a week and I didn't think about self help and that in itself made me feel rejuvenated. I think I need more of that. Here is an expansion of what I have been feeling in regards to all of this. As far as spiral stage goes, I feel like I'm 20% green and 80% yellow in this phase. I suppose my prediction was spot on. That 20% green is just that last unhealthy bit that I'm releasing atm. I'm also practicing being present and embodying more. However, I will say that I don't feel like I have a hint of turquoise in me yet. That's the only part of my prediction that didn't come true. Again, exact percentages of where I'm at in the spiral can be skewed because of self bias. I'm not trying to slap on a label, just trying to gage where I'm at in my journey.

I think this is really important. I can see how focusing too much on the Absolute or letting go of ego can cause people to stop being grounded which in itself turns into a form of lack of integration. I know people say that ego is the enemy but it is still important to acknowledge the purpose the ego serves. It isn't a strictly negative notion. It is important to develop a healthy ego imo. From personal experience, I remember at one point I really identified myself with my hobbies and what I like to do. Somethings happened in my life that compelled me to question if those activities are really me. I am not my hobbies nor am I what I do rather I am the doer. That was the conclusion I came to. But I think I went too far to the other side to where I forgot to honor my sense of individuality that comes from my hobbies. Instead of pursuing what I enjoyed doing, I let it go completely and stopped for a while. I started living a more contemplative life rather than an active one. I also got super into self help to where it almost feels like an addiction. That isn't a bad thing necessarily but I don't think it is sustainable for me personally for the rest of my life. I'm not trying to live in a monastic life in a cave even though I have nothing against it. I just thought this part was beautiful I also have the experience with feeling like my personality and my preferences are fluid to where I feel as if I can change my personality radically on the course of a couple of years if I really wanted to. I like the comparison of how personality and preferences are like dancing and trying on costumes. I think it is healthiest to come at it from an attitude of exploration rather than attachment. Exploration allows consciousness to get creative and get the most out of life while attachment appeals to the ego can can breed resistance to change which halts the exploration process.

I have been contemplating this lately. I'm probably talking out of my ass here but bear with me. On one hand, personality and preferences are ego because they aren't inherent to consciousness. Personality and preferences seem inherent to who we are often because they formed earlier than we are capable of remembering (like really early childhood) but a change in background, biology, etc can be enough to create a completely different person. Both personality and preferences have to do with our survival mechanisms based on what we found worked for us by chance. Personality and preferences aren't who we are and are illusion. You have to peel those back and deconstruct them in order to get to the core or who you are which is infinite consciousness. On the other hand, personality and preferences can be a function of form rather than ego. You can have your preferences and inclinations but not identify with them strongly. For instance, I might be an extrovert who prefers to live my life a certain way but I am open minded to the notion of people being different and living life in a totally different, or even opposite way without any judgement on my part. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can have something and honor it but not egoically identify with it. For example, you can have a nice car that you like and take care of it and its needs but not be attached to it or be upset if suddenly that nice car wasn't there anymore or got replaced with a different car. I guess you can see your personality and preferences in that way. If you try to expand your sense of self by deconstructing what you identify with, would your personality and preferences become more fluid? Will they cease to exist at all? Or will they still be there but it isn't something that you actively defend or get irritated about when people don't share the same view as you?

I mean in order understand what is being projected out, wouldn't you automatically have an image of yourself? Like if you notice yourself having a dry sense of humor, wouldn't you then have an image of yourself having a dry sense of humor? Would a lack of ego or image or yourself imply that you aren't aware of what you're projecting out? That doesn't make sense because typically to be more self aware you need to have less ego. I'm sorry if I'm missing your point completely but I'm confused Also, I guess the reason why I lumped personality and preference together is because even though preference can be a whole thing of it's own, personality is almost like how you prefer to act. If you identify as an introverted personality type, it is likely that you will prefer small groups and more solitude.

Just had a thought that was relevant to this thread. All forms are an illusion and part of the ego because everything is one from a nondual perspective. However, nonduality still contains duality. Consciousness explores duality and separation through different forms. You can honor those forms without having the ego latch on to them. In fact, paradoxically, to honor these different forms also requires you to not latch on to any one of them because latching on to one thing prevents you from exploring other things. It's ok to have preferences so long you know they aren't absolute and applicable to everyone or thing.

Interesting read. Though I would have to disagree with some bits. Individually, yes we are all unique because we are a different cocktail of biological, social factors as well as life experiences. The way I see it, sociology is good at breaking down collective egos an identifying patterns in the big picture. The limitation of that is that it can fall into the trap of painting people with a simplistic, broad stroke that waters down individuality (this is where I agree with in the article). Psychology on the other hand is good at breaking down individual egos and using individuals as separate case studies. The limitation of this lens is that it doesn't look at the big picture, often system factors of a behavior so next thing you know you have your Jordan Peterson types who are so individualistic in their world view to where it becomes short sided. Sexuality can be pretty fluid for some individuals. I don't have much personal experience with that but I know people who do. I think you dealing with your internalized homophobia is an example of dealing with the egoic attachment to your orientation and desire to be masculine but still acknowledging the heterosexual form/ preference you have.