soos_mite_ah

I'm 21 rn so I'm not going to address my 20 year old self since in terms of femininity I don't think I changed all that much. I'll address my younger, 14 year old self though. I know this is long but I feel like I stepped into my femininity in recent years much more so a lot of this is fresh on my mind and its things that I have integrated pretty well. I would tell her that it isn't weak to be in touch with your emotions or to express vulnerability. The desire to function on cold hard rationality alone has it's roots in demonizing femininity and also has roots in racism. You don't have to "be like a man" to be equal to one because both femininity and masculinity are equal in terms of value even if they are not the same in terms of function. Lean into your emotions and that will help you be more empathetic, more self aware, and more open to connect with others. There is strength in vulnerability, much more so than being so closed off to where you are scared of truly experiencing reality. Life is an emotional experience and that is why you are put on this earth, to experience life. Also, you don't have to be strong all the time. It's ok to ask for help and be open when something is bothering you. Let other people help you whether it is a man offering to pay for dinner on a date or whether it is you reaching out to a friend when you are depressed. It isn't an attack on your competence or ability to do things yourself. It's an invitation for people to express their appreciation and desire to help out/ support towards you. And most importantly, don't demonize other women for their more feminine interests whether it is makeup, chick flicks, etc. Hell, maybe if you have an open mind, you might find those interests to be somethings you also like and things that also have depth. That "I'm not like other girls" front reeks of internalized misogyny that looks down on anything associated with women because it sees anything feminine as shameful and frivolous. Also I would tell her to stop with this attitude of "girls are sooo dramatic and that's why I don't have female friends." This goes along with the "I'm not like other girls" front and the whole notion of women being dramatic is a way men use to gaslight women and their issues, whether it be their health concerns or when they stand up for their rights. It's also a way of pitting women against each other and having that attitude will make you lose out on a lot of quality female friendships. I would also tell her to find her own authentic expression of femininity. There are so many different archetypes of both femininity and masculinity that there is no way one person can embody it all all the time. Femininity for you might not look like pink and a shit ton of makeup (or it might) and that's ok. You can still be in touch with you feminine side even if it isn't the stereotypical version of femininity that is pushed on us for society. In fact, don't try to box in notions of femininity and masculinity in a box, that doesn't do either of those polarities justice and can be incredibly limiting in finding your own authenticity. Everyone has their own personal blend of masculinity and femininity and it isn't up to you to suppress one or the other but to find what works for you and feels natural to you. Some men are naturally more feminine and some women are naturally more masculine and vice versa. Some people find themselves towards the middle and some find themselves closer to either end of the polarity. All of these are ok. There aren't any right way to be masculine or feminine. The following video is really good at helping one do that, regardless of gender. There is also a version of this same video for the divine masculine.

1/16/2021 Food Diary Breakfast: 2 slices of gluten free bread with some peanut butter topped with a sliced banana: I used to love making this breakfast as a kid. It was quick enough to make before school and I didn't have to use the stove or anything (plus as a child my mom wouldn't let me near it anyway, rightfully so, so I had to find other ways to make myself breakfast) An egg: Thought I needed a little bit of protein in this meal. A handful of raspberries: For the last couple days I did these little berry mixes but today I was only into having raspberries. Lunch: A bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds in some unsweetened almond milk: I was lazy with making lunch but I didn't want to have a salad like yesterday because that was too filling. I still feel full and stuffed from the last few days tbh. Plus I needed some more carbs. I know this isn't gluten free but I looked up the cereal brand online and I found that they have gluten free options as well. I could probably have some around the house to eat on occasion. I don't eat cereal that often. I think it's been a couple months since I reached for it. But I remember that as I child I would have some type of cereal for breakfast quite frequently. I opted for the more sugary kind when I was a little kid but as I grew up I grew out of it and opted for cereal with less sugar. My favorites were lucky charms, frosted flakes, and coco puffs as a little kid. Then once I hit middle school I switched over to cheerios and honey bunches of oats. Once I got to high school and college, cereal became a more and more occasional thing. Brought back memories. A handful of blueberries: I put a handful of blueberries in there because I felt like it and I wanted to see what that was going to be like. I can see myself having cereal like this more often when I do get around to having cereal. A spoonful of peanut butter: I felt like it since sometimes I like having a spoonful of peanut butter but I also I thought I would need some fat and protein to go with my lunch. Dinner: Chicken stir fry: I had a small amount left over from the night before. Salmon: Had some marinated and just had to cook it and it was ready. Rice: Had it with my chicken and my salmon. Again trying to ensure I get in my carbs. Salad: This salad was smaller than what I normally make but I felt as if I wasn't eating as many vegetables as I normally do. That felt weird so I made myself a salad since I love getting in my vegetables. This salad had kale, romaine lettuce, bell peppers, cherry tomatoes, tahini, a few olives and balsamic vinegar. It doesn't have as many ingredients as my normal salads but it felt nice to get some more nutrients in. Additional Notes: I caught myself feeling tired around 3 today. That felt weird since I had around the same amount of food this time yesterday and I didn't feel tired then. I suspect that it might have to do with fast carbs like breads and cereals vs. slow carbs like vegetables. I believe that there is a difference with the way they release energy because of how quickly they absorb into the bloodstream. Idk, it's just a speculation. I ended up dozing off and taking a nap and that wasn't fun because I'm pretty sure that my sleep schedule is going to be soooo OFF tonight. I'm going to take a melatonin pill for that just to help with things. Not my usual go to solution but sometimes it really helps. I think it might be a matter of difference between fast and slow carbs. At least I don't have to deal with those headaches anymore and I have regular bowel movements again. I'm so grateful for that. I accept that the sleep and energy thing as well as the rest of my health issues will take some time to fix.

I haven't fully experienced the scenarios but they do hit home when it comes to the things I think that keep me up at night. It's not the scenarios but the emotions. This was so beautiful and it resonated with me so much.

This is a lie that pits women against each other when that isn't true. Plus it paints women as drama queens as a way to not take women's issues and emotions seriously. Calling a woman dramatic/emotional/over the top is often a gaslighting tactic.

@Emerald I second Teal Swan I have said this in other threads. Men don't understand on how terrifying dating can be from a woman. A man's worst date is a bizarre anecdote he can laugh at a couple weeks later. A woman's worst date looks like something out of a crime drama. Women have to be vigilant of their drinks, have pepper spray, and often are scared to go out in a walk when it's dark alone. Often times when we are meeting someone from tinder, we send a screenshot of the guy we are going on a date with to a friend and a picture of what we are wearing just in case things get weird. Until you try to emotionally grasp those things, you will not understand how women work and you will have to approach 50-100 women to get anywhere. Would you rather play the numbers game for god knows how long, or unwind your subconscious threads of misogyny to connect with your feminine side and understand what women actually have to go through to empathize with them?

This is generally good advice. I will add on to it by saying that being constructive can also mean calmly and assertively setting boundaries. Often times we get angry because our personal boundaries are being threatened in some way. Communicating those boundaries with someone who respects you can help you avoid the situation that is causing you anger while acknowledging your feelings to where the other person knows what's going on. If we don't set boundaries and we keep things seething inside until we explode, that wouldn't be constructive instead it could be very harmful. Also keeping in anger can also cause depression and victim mentality in some instances which again can be harmful. Setting boundaries when we feel that bit of annoyance or anger proactively helps prevent us from acting reactively.

I really like that description. I think the beauty of how yellow and turquoise is still a very small portion of our society is that we are still learning and growing towards those stages slowly but surely. That means that we are still discovering and articulating them in various aspects of our lives. There is a variation of views when it comes to sexuality within a spiral. And I'm sure that it's no different for yellow and turquoise. This is one higher level view on sexuality among countless we have yet to think up.

I mean you dont have to be sexually harassed or assaulted to have trauma regarding the patriarchy as a woman. Granted I using trauma very loosely (hell even if we are talking about sexual harrasment and assault alone, there is a range but yeah that covers a huge chunk of women) but the vast majority of women have some type of negative experiences that fuel their limiting belief systems rooted in internalized misogyny. Unless you grew up in a super progressive household, you likely have a lot of things to unlearn as a woman.

If he meant supportive and understanding, I'm sure he would've chosen those words in stead of obedient and submissive. Obedient and submissive have totally different connotations and meaning. I would either be careful about your choosing of words or evaluate what underlying belief those words you choose reflect. You can tell a lot of how a person thinks and how you think based on the language you use. Also, you dont have to be super masculine to get women. Everyone has their own blend of natural femininity and masculinity and people really shine when they honor both polarities and act with authenticity to honor them, whatever levels an individual may have. Being very masculininty as a man or being very feminine as a woman doesnt mean you are healthy as your masculinity and femininity levels and how well you mold into the polarity you are stereotyped to fall under arent indicative of trauma or lack there of. And finally a woman setting boundaries and having standards isnt her challenging a mans decision or intimidating his role. A strong man wouldnt find such woman intimidating.

@Emerald Thank you you articulated my thoughts fully. I didnt even know where to begin smh. This isnt the 1950s @Hardkill . Submissive is a bedroom only word. It isnt a word to describe the role of a woman in a relationship dynamic. If you need a woman to submit to you in order to make you feel "alpha" you arent as strong of an alpha as you think you are. An actual alpha has enough confidence to seek his equal and not be intimidated by it. He doesn't need to dominate over a woman and have her worship the ground he walks on to stroke is ego because he is already secure in himself. I watched the other video and there is so many red flags. In a way, it perfectly describes the bs that women have to face when we do put ourselves out there. We are constantly told not to have standards, not to have boundaries, see other women as competition, serve ourselves on a silver platter, and act as if our lives and our value runs out the moment we turn 35. When we don't do that or succumb to that dry pussy mentality, suddenly our standards are too high and we are a bitch. When we see through all this and we react with men are trash, suddenly someone comes up and says "not all men" and proceeds to tell us how paranoid we are. But the moment we have a moment of vulnerability and something bad happens to us, suddenly we arent careful enough and we should've known that's just how men are. These things arent always explicitly told to us, though those instances still exist give the video I watched, but these are things all women have to unlearn on a collective if we want to demand respect. Because once we show this type of "pick me" energy, low quality men will prey on it and exploit it because then he gets the message that he can act however tf he wants and get away with it. If he ends up in prison, cheats on her numerous times, or hell even hits her, she will stick around and tolerate this bs at her own expense. That type of ride or die energy is where the woman emotionally and sometimes even physically dies. That shit is not romantic. And speaking in support of that shit with the facade that you are an "alpha male" just screams small dick energy. You arent dominant, you're domineering. It's not a good look to any woman with common sense and a general sense of self worth. But then again, I highly doubt that guys who spout this nonsense are trying to attract a woman who has self esteem. As they say, water seeks their own level.

I got through most of these videos because I'm short on time. I have a lot of thoughts regarding these videos. My first thought was like "yeah no shit a guy doesn't necessarily care about you, sometimes he just wants sex." I had this in my head since I was 12. My second though was how I'm not insecure of whether a guy thinks I'm attractive or not because there are men who will literally have sex with a McChicken sandwich. Some of the stuff that was being said was on point, and other stuff is an a huge exaggeration. There is some truth in these videos but I also see a lot of my own negative limiting beliefs I previously struggled with being parroted. I also have a strong suspicion that this guy is also projecting his own misogyny onto his view on the world. But yeah for anyone who feels that girls don't struggle with dating, just know that we have to deal with a lot of fuck boys that don't care about us and a lot of sketchy guys that lurk on us. None of them care if we live or die. It often feels really difficult to find a quality guy. These aren't necessarily "raw truths" that we haven't heard before, most women have some idea about this kind of stuff, often to the point where it is paralyzing and limiting for us to where we feel that the world is filled with assholes and that we will never find anyone that will actually care about us.

Tracking Macronutrients and Micronutrients: General Trends and My Reaction So here is the general trend in my diet when I go out of my way to eat a lot based on the last 3 days: I'm almost always high on fat I'm low on carbs and protein I'm low on calcium and iron I meet or at least come very close to meeting every other micronutrient. I'm quite frequently under my caloric needs I found out that I'm almost always high on fat because I eat an avocado almost everyday. But I also noticed that the avocado is really important component to ensure that I hit all of the micronutrients. Same with eggs. The carbs is what I'm a little concerned about. I know that the lack of carbs is likely the reason why I was getting headaches. I found it difficult to get in all of the carbs I need even when I felt like I was eating a lot. I know that on 1/13 I came close to meeting my carb needs and that's because I made myself spaghetti that day. The gluten free bread and the noodles are here to stay. I'm also thinking of having cauliflower rice on occasion because I like the way it tastes and switch over to regular rice so that I can get my carbs in. I'm surprised that I came up this short on protein. I know that I build muscle really REALLY easily so I always assumed it's because of the protein in my diet combined with genetics. Now I'm starting to think it's mainly the genetics lol. But I'm also surprised by this because I always try to make sure that I have some type of protein in all of my foods so that I feel full and satiated whether that means having eggs for breakfast, chicken or seafood for lunch and dinner, or peanut butter as a part of my snack. I don't think I need to be too concerned about nutritional deficiencies when it comes to my micronutrients (basically everything else except the fat, protein, carbs, and calories). I think it's really easy for me to meet these since I have a lot of whole foods in my diet as opposed to processed foods that may be high in calories but not very nutritionally packed. The only thing I might want to have my eye out for is the calcium and the iron. I know I'm also low on vitamin D but I do feel like I get a lot of sun and I never had any symptoms of a vitamin D deficiency nor have I ever had a blood test result telling me that I have a problem. So, I'm not too concerned about that. I'm surprised but I'm also not surprised that for these three days I didn't meet my caloric needs. I'm surprised because I felt as if I was eating a lot of food. I felt pretty stuffed for the entire day to where I had to force myself to keep eating so I can get all three meals in. But at the same time I'm not surprised since I eat a lot of vegetables and those tend to not have a lot of calories. I'm also not surprised because I remember on 1/3/2021, the day where I went on a road trip and mainly had fast food meals, I had a whole day of eating and I remember I totaled up the calories because I was curious and I remember that it came up to roughly 1500 calories for the entire day and I remember feeling stuffed. So I guess part of my mind at the end of that day was like *I get stuffed from roughly 1500 calories even if I had a full day of eating.* I noticed that I frequently get in all of my micronutrients but not all my macronutrients. I also noticed before back when I first tracked my food in school for an assignment that I tend to get all of my micronutrients while still remaining well under my 2000 calorie a day requirement. That tells me that my tendency to meet all my micronutrients but not my macros is a consistent theme in my diet for a number of years now. I think this might be one of the contributing factors to both my slowed metabolism and my PCOS symptoms. Underfeeding can cause your body to think it's in starvation mode and make it want to release stress hormones. Both the starvation mode and the stress hormones can cause a slowing of the metabolism, called metabolic adaptation, and cause a worsening of PCOS symptoms since PCOS can get triggered by extra stress and hormonal imbalances. Making sure I get enough calories, protein, and carbs is going to be very important for me. I have to admit, saying that feels very weird to me because I was always under the impression (that is when I wasn't tracking food) that I'm eating too much junk and that I need to cut back on what I'm eating because of my size. I'm not super big, but I always in the back of my mind had a voice telling me that I need to lose weight. Because of that, I fell for a lot of restrictive diets growing up. It's to the point where whenever I think about changing my diet, my thoughts are always what foods do I need to get rid of or eat less of, not what foods does my body need. Hell, the second post in this journal is a list of foods that I need to avoid and cut out from my diet. Even though I think I greatly benefited from going gluten and dairy free along with decreasing my sugar intake, I think my big thing that will really give me results is making sure I add more calories, add more protein, and add more carbs into my diet. Which brings me to my next issue. I'm not sure how much I need to add into my diet. This website told me that I need 1675 calories a day. I had other sources tell me that I need about 1800-2000. When it comes to carbs and protein, I'm getting different results from different websites. For protein these were my recommendations: 104.7 grams https://cronometer.com/ (according to the tracker I just used) 115 grams but a minimum of .36 per pound (150lbs *.36= 54g) https://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/calpro.htm 46 grams for women https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/how-much-protein-per-day about 10-35% of daily calories consumed https://www.verywellfit.com/how-to-calculate-how-much-protein-you-need-3955709 about 15-35% of daily calories consumed or .36 per pound https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/how-much-protein-do-you-need-every-day-201506188096 For carbs these were my recommendations 167.5 grams https://cronometer.com/ (according to the tracker I just used) 173 grams https://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/calcarbs.htm 100-150 grams I guess if you aren't trying to do low carb or keto https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/how-many-carbs-per-day-to-lose-weight#how-many-carbs-to-eat 250 grams for a 2000 calorie diet https://www.verywellfit.com/yes-you-do-need-carbs-every-day-2506236 205 grams https://www.calculator.net/carbohydrate-calculator.html?ctype=standard&cage=21&csex=f&cheightfeet=5&cheightinch=2&cpound=150&cheightmeter=180&ckg=60&cactivity=1.375&cmop=0&cformula=m&cfatpct=20&printit=0&x=53&y=15 Based on given information, the following are the basic protein intake recommendations from multiple authoritative institutions: https://www.calculator.net/protein-calculator.html?ctype=standard&cage=21&csex=f&cheightfeet=5&cheightinch=2&cpound=150&cheightmeter=180&ckg=60&cactivity=1.375&cmop=0&cformula=m&cfatpct=20&printit=0&x=92&y=19 American Dietetic Association (ADA): at least 68 - 122 grams/day. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC): 47 - 164 grams/day (10-35% of daily caloric intake). World Health Organization safe lower limit: 56 grams/day. After seeing all this, I'm super confused about macronutrients and I don't know how much more I need other than the fact that I need more. That interferes with my ability to think up how to go about achieving my goals. The only idea I got was to introduce a daily protein bar. I remember eating a couple of these protein bars that my roommate gave me in college. They were called Pure Protein Bars and they tasted pretty good. They were also chocolately so it scratched a craving which is a plus lmao. I'm a little hesitant to add a protein bar to my diet since they are literally like candy and because they have a lot of processed ingredients in them. But if one a day is going to help me reach my goals, I'm open to considering it. It is gluten free (though not dairy free however I don't remember it making me break out or cause any discomfort) and it is also low in sugar. It also has a good amount of calcium along with carbs and can add calories into my diet. That hits a lot of things that I'm low in. Here are the nutritional facts of the the protein bar that I am talking about: But yeah other than that I have no idea what else I need to be doing. I think it's best that I don't get too ahead of myself. For now I feel like I should just focus on eating breakfast regularly, eating more fruit, and increasing my appetite to where I'm comfortable with eating what I think is a lot on a regular basis. After I implement those things, I think that's when I can fine tune my macros .

Tracking Macronutrients and Micronutrients I'm not a person who really likes tracking. It's honestly a lot and super inconvenient. I try to eat healthy to where I wouldn't have to be concerned with tracking. But this time, I decided to track my macros and micros because of the headaches, nausea, and fatigue I was getting. I had this strong suspicion that I wasn't getting enough carbs or calories in general. I used an online tracker which is linked below. It reminded me of this assignment I had to do twice while I was in high school where we were required to track our food for an entire week and then evaluate the nutritional quality of our meals. The first time was for health class while the second was for gym. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm no stranger to this. The only difference I would say between when I had to track my meals back then and now was that back then, the website I used, I don't think they tracked macronutrients (or maybe this is just my memory leaving me since this was 7 years ago back when I was 14). https://cronometer.com/ I entered in a couple days before I did my regular tracking. I took sample days from my food diary on this journal. It was relatively easy since I do note down all of the ingredients in my meals. I took one day that I considered me eating normally and one day that I considered me eating light. On a normal day I was getting in about 1000 calories and getting about 80 grams of carbs. On a light day, I was getting in about 600 calories and 30 grams of carbs. I didn't realize I was eating this little because I felt as if I was eating a large volume of food, but since it's mostly vegetables, that large volume of food doesn't have that many calories. No wonder I had a headache. Upon figuring this out, I made it a point to eat what I considered more than my usual for the next couple days and track that so I have a better idea on what I need to do going forward. I took screenshots from my results from the tracking website. So here it is: 1/13/2021 Nutrient Tracker 1/14/2021 Nutrient Tracker 1/15/2021 Nutrient Tracker

1/15/2021 Food Diary Breakfast: 2 slices of gluten free toast along with an avocado and 2 eggs: I normally have 1 egg but I'm trying to up the calories and the amount of nutrients I get. More on that in the next post. A handful of berries: Same as yesterday, consists of blueberries, raspberries, and black berries A glass of water with some cucumber and mint: thought that would be a good mix Lunch: Kale salad: Had kale, romaine lettuce, and a little bit of left over spinach. I also added in half of a red bell pepper, carrots, olives, red onions, and cherry tomatoes. Topped all of this off with tahini, flaxseeds, basil, and balsamic vinegar. I had lunch a little later than usual. I normally have lunch at around 12:30 to 1pm and today I had lunch at 2:00pm. I wanted to see if this would prevent me from feeling sleepy between 2-7 pm because I notice that tends to happen, usually because I didn't eat enough. And it worked!!! I didn't feel tired at all. Also my headaches are finally gone. I'm super happy about that. Banana and peanut butter: I would save this for a snack but I didn't feel like it so I had this immediately after my salad. Dinner: Chicken stir fry: Has chicken, red bell pepper, broccoli, kale, bok choy, garlic, and green onions all cooked with olive oil. I marinated the chicken with red chili powder, balsamic vinegar, garlic powder, onion powder, basil, and this Mediterranean dressing that I had. I also added in some pineapple because I remember the last time I made this, I thought *hey this would go great with a little bit of pineapple for an extra bit of sweetness.* I think pineapple goes well with savory dishes (I'm also one of those people who like pineapple on pizza don't come for me) because it balances a dish out with it's sweetness. I also think pineapple goes really well with spicier foods. This stir fry is both savory and spicy since I add in quite a bit of red chili powder but as a bonus, the balsamic vinegar adds a little bit of sweetness and sourness to the dish and the pineapple really brings that out. Overall adding pineapple was a really good decision. White Rice: My family always has rice laying around the house as it is one of our staple foods. Normally I opt for cauliflower rice because I like the taste of that, but I was like, I haven't had rice in a while and I'm trying to up my carbs so why not. I feel like this was more filling than the cauliflower rice.

I remember having this show be in my YouTube recommended a few years back. I remember binging a few episodes of the show, getting tired of it, and then a few months later binging a few more episodes. I haven't thought of Supersize v Superskinny in a long time. In my mind, it's always been one of those trash overexaggerated reality TV shows you watch to feel better about your life and decisions. I clicked this video as soon as it came out because I wanted to see someone break down the premise of the show in a more critical lens. Actually, now that I think of it, between 2008-2014, there were a lot of weight loss related reality TV shows. Supersize v Superskinny was pretty bizarre and overall pretty problematic. I didn't watch the particular episode that she was reviewing but yeah, it's not the best media you should be consuming.

To a certain extent. I don't mind sharing insights regarding emotional intelligence/ awareness or things relating to my meditation habits and manifestation processes. But I am mindful about my audience if that makes sense and that influences how I present it. As for my thoughts on God and nonduality, I keep that private because I know if I talk about it, at best people are going to be really confused and at worst they would think I joined a cult or am on drugs.

Food and Mental Health: My Experiences I have noticed that on the days I don't eat enough I am more prone to depression spirals as well as more easily annoyed. I've been looking more into it and I have also posted videos about the link between mental health and diet in an earlier post. So apparently, in a nut shell, this can happen when you don't get enough nutrients which then effects the functioning of the brain, since your brain uses a large chunk of whatever you eat as fuel. The first time I believe I heard about this was when I was about 13 years old. I remember in school, there was this one girl who had a lot of issues with her body and she would "diet" a lot (I'm putting diet in quotes because she would literally starve herself). She would also mention, either in a neutral tone or in a bragging kind of way, on how she didn't eat for a couple days, or how she skipped breakfast and dinner. I remember someone pointed out to her that she is much more upbeat, bubbly, and just generally emotionally alive on the days she does have something for breakfast, even if it's something small like a yogurt or some coffee. I wonder how she is doing with her life and if she got proper help. I hope she is ok now. The other times when I was exposed to how diet influences your mood was when my mom would try to dismiss my emotions. I remember all throughout my teen years, when I would try to vent about something that was making me sad or annoying me, instead of hearing me out and empathizing, my mom would just say "oh you're only feeling this way because of your diet. You eat too much junk and too much in general that's why you are reacting like this." While diet might be a factor in the intensity of my emotions, it's also important to acknowledge the context in which my mom is saying what she is saying. Emotional repression is a very common thing in my family. No one is allowed to actually express how they feel and if they do it is seen as a sign of weakness so if there is something wrong, lets just say you're more likely to get yelled at instead of given compassion. And to me, knowing this context, bringing up my diet after I talked about something that had nothing to do with it, felt like scapegoating my problems and taking an irrelevant turn. I think a small part of me gets on the defensive when people are like 'oh just exercise and eat well and your depression will go away" when in reality moods are much more complicated than that and trauma along with stress are huge factors that need to be considered. And because I focused so much on the trauma and stress to solve an issue so that I'm not upset, I didn't pay enough attention to the biological components that could be contributing to a problem even if it is a smaller way. I have seen a lot of people have a similar attitude. Saying a single food will cure your depression is a very broad stroke that doesn't do the food and mood connection any justice. That type of thinking is often what causes people with depression and anxiety feel like they aren't being heard because a lot of times people know vaguely what is causing them distress. Like for example, if someone lost a family member and is now depressed and grieving, it isn't the right time to go up to that person and say, "oh this is because you aren't eating right." While eating right can help that situation, you still need to address the grief first or else the whole thing will look very tone deaf. Finally, I was exposed to this connection between mental health and nutrition before me choosing to clean up my diet. I noticed that almost every time I had a panic attack, it was followed by barely sleeping, barely eating, and feeling pressurized at school. While I do feel pressure from school, I sure that not sleeping and not eating exacerbates the stress and puts me in a position where I'm biologically more likely to have a panic attack. I remember once I had a panic attack and I went to my therapist about it, she and I came up with a way to cope with these panic attacks and one of those ways was to eat something that has a lot of protein and fats after a panic attack so that my body can calm down and so I can think straight. I feel like that resonated with me more than what my mom used to tell me because in those sessions, she was still being empathetic to my situation and she treated diet as one piece of the larger puzzle rather than the end all be all. Now I'm starting to consider diet as a component to my mood because I have direct experience in that regard and because I have new, more in depth information on it. Also, I think that where I'm at my journey now with self actualization, I can receive this information about how diet effects mood in a more constructive way because I'm not getting defensive about the claim and I'm also not going over board to where I am using diet and exercise as a way to avoid my problems. I have been meaning to clean up my diet and eat right for years now. It's like the stereotypical new years resolution. But I think I failed before because it was coming from a place of self hatred, usually on the basis of not liking the way I looked. In those cases, I wasn't looking at a long term sustainable solution, I wanted a quick fix. A lot of fad diets really mess with your body and isn't loving towards it at all. Also it came from a place of self hatred in the sense of me seeing eating healthy as a chore that I need to exercise discipline to do rather than something I enjoy doing and something that makes me feel physically and mentally good. I think the reason why in these last couple months I have been able to go into really looking into my diet is not only because of the PCOS, but because I cleaned up the other areas in my life to the point where I have minimized any amount of resistance I had to this process. None of this, whether it is the food diaries, any of the entries I post on this journal, what I'm cooking and eating, none of it is forced. It feels like I'm in a state of flow because I'm learning a lot and I feel like I'm making a lot of progress but I'm not pushing myself to do any of it. It's coming naturally from a genuine place. Looking into my health and learning more about what I'm putting into my body feels like a natural step in my self actualization journey at the moment. Because I am tackling a lot of my limiting and beliefs and emotions towards dieting and body image, I feel like I cleared up a lot of resistance surrounding the subject. At this point I genuinely enjoying this whole process and this whole subject is really interesting to me. I don't have to push myself or discipline myself through resistance that isn't even there anymore.

Manifestations Some things I want to manifest through improving my diet and my relationship with food. I am nutritionally complete Everything is covered by my diet. I have enough calories in my diet. I can eat whatever I want and be comfortable in my weight and health. I feel free around food. I am confident in the way I look. I am free from cravings. My healthy eating habits are so normalized to me to where I can implement them effortlessly. I have a good sleep schedule. I have really strong hair and nails. I have a fast metabolism. I have clear skin. I am managing PCOS symptoms really well. I am free from my family health history. I have a really stable mood. My head and heart are more in tuned with each other since biologically I'm getting the proper nutrition to regulate my emotions. I am calm. I am happy. I am energetic. I can concentrate better than ever. I feel efficient in my life. I am healthy, mentally and physically. I have a good relationship with food. I enjoy food and occasions regarding food. My diet is sustainable and nutritious. I have a healthy relationship with food. I am an amazing and efficient cook. I am well hydrated.

Honestly idk. I know a lot of people who hype up a dad bod. But then again, I don't know if a lot of guys with dad bods have the confidence to become a stripper. I have no idea what to answer tbh. But on the other hand I'm pretty sure the ideal for a guy isn't a girl who has the body of a female stripper. There is a lot of variability when it comes to what people find attractive even if society has one standard mold and expects everyone to align their tastes with that.

That makes sense. I guess because I'm mainly surrounded by blue, orange, and green, that is my frame of reference in regards to what selfishness is. Yellow looks like a saint next to those stages. If you take a stage green person, travel back in time, and plop them into the medieval times, the green person would also look like a saint next to people who are mostly in purple, red, and blue...... ...but on the other hand, because yellow understands a variety of perspectives while still being ethical, a yellow person is more likely to use his or her intellect in order to find a solution and tact that will be good for most of the players in the situation. So their ability to distinguish between common good and selfish intent is better than say someone at stage blue. A person in stage blue might be able to see multiple perspectives but will most likely lack the ability to exercise empathy for those perspectives to reach a solution or strategy that works for everyone.

1/14/2021 Food Diary I woke up feeling exhausted for some reason today. I rolled around in bed for an hour and a half and I couldn't get myself up even though I had a proper amount of sleep last night. Then again, since I'm on break from school, my sleep schedule is likely off because of that. Brunch: A sandwich: I made a sandwich using two small slices of gluten free bread, an avocado, some balsamic vinegar, a couple slices of tomato, a couple slices of cucumber, and some pesto. I got up too late for breakfast so instead of my usual bread with avocado and an egg, I opted for a sandwich. 1 hard boiled egg: Thought I needed some protein in my breakfast. A handful of berries: I took some blueberries, black berries, and raspberries into a small bowl so that I can get a serving of fruit. A tomato: Even though I only used a couple slices for my sandwich, since the tomato was small, I thought, eh might as well eat the whole thing. I'm one of those people who sometimes eat as they make food. Lunch/ snack: Spinach and banana smoothie: This has spinach, one banana, some peanut butter, a little bit of vanilla, and unsweetened almond milk. Since I didn't eat breakfast, I thought I would make myself a snack/meal of sorts that is rather light but will ensure that I'm not fatigued later on in the day. A handful of nuts: for the iron. Dinner: 2 pieces of salmon: I marinated them with parsley, chives, basil, pesto, olive oil, lemon, Mediterranean dressing, onion powder, and a little bit of red chili powder, cooked them, and then served them with some bell peppers and onions. I normally would have only one piece but I'm trying to get my calories in. Sweet potato fries: I took one small sweet potato and then tossed it in some olive oil, red chili powder, lemon pepper, garlic powder, and Italian seasoning. Then I put them in the oven and cooked them til they were like fries. Cauliflower rice: the usual recipe. Had some in the fridge thought I use it up. I had a little bit of a head ache today. The headache I had yesterday was very mild and the headache I had today was about half as intense as the one yesterday. It lasted about 20 minutes. My energy was up today, I would say more so than yesterday. But around 3:30 pm or so I caught myself feeling tired. This was also around the time when my headache kicked in. I let myself close my eyes for about 30-40 minutes so I can get in some rest but I won't fall asleep and ruin my sleep schedule (I had an alarm on my phone). I felt better afterwards. No headache. No fatigue for the rest of the day. I think my body is taking a couple days to adjust back to me eating in a larger amount.

Society that's why. The club is trying to appeal to a large number of women based on society's standards so they can get money. They aren't trying to appeal to individual women. You don't have to look like a male stripper to turn a woman on

Also yall presentation is key. Sure part of presentation is your genetic looks but larger components of presentation include hygiene, the way you dress, the way you talk to a woman, and your level of confidence. I'm using a picture of bieber because I think this is a good example of what I'm talking about and it's easy to find pictures of him. He looks great on the left but on the right, he looks like a guy who would creep on a girl in the gas station in the middle of the night. IDK what happened to him between those couple of years but the guy looks like he has been through it.

I feel that when guys talk about women being sexualized or objectified, they are either blue or green. A blue guy will say women are being sexualized because in his eyes women need to maintain her purity. She can't walk around in a short skirt even if it is her choosing. That type of clothing is an example of ungodly behavior and vanity. He comes from a place of sexual repression for women. A green guy will say women are being sexualized because in his eyes women are being harassed. She should be able to walk around a short skirt if it is her choosing and not have to deal with creepy men who are catcalling her or have creeps assume that "she's asking for it." He comes from a place of sexual freedom and desire for consent. To me my definition of manipulation implies malicious and selfish intent and outcome. So if you are "manipulating" someone for their genuine care and well being because you have good reasons, that by definition isn't manipulation because you aren't doing anything harmful. Idk, I think I would need an example of this to understand what you're talking about. But if you have good intentions and you are choosing to not be fully authentic for the wellbeing of the other person in an informed way, to me that is being tactful. I guess an example I can think of is if a kid asks about something that is a very adult topic because the kid saw something on the news, you might not want to be fully authentic and explain everything rather you might want to give broad, age appropriate details so that the child's psychological well being is preserved in order to emotionally develop properly. I guess that could be seen as "manipulation" because you aren't being fully authentic and you might be lying by omission, but in this case, to me that is more so along the lines of being tactful because there isn't any malicious intent or result for it to be defined as manipulation.

Just checked out r/TrueRateMe Yeah I take that back. I don't have an unusually inclusive definition of beauty, these people are absolutely insane. https://www.reddit.com/r/truerateme/comments/kxdpdi/28f/ They rated this poor girl as a 6.5. To me I thought she was fairly attractive. Most of these girls on this reddit seem attractive to very attractive sooo yeah I'm 10000% the people rating these girls are incels who are projecting their own insecurities on women who look just fine.