soos_mite_ah

Flaws I haven't been posting on this journal much because a lot of what creates joy for me right now is learning about food and fixing my diet. I have a separate journal dedicated to that and I have been putting most of my efforts there. I found a thread that was talking about what our biggest flaws were. It was talking about in the context of this forum but I began thinking of my flaws in general. I thought I would journal about it and that I would reflect on the ways I can deal with it or accept my flaws in order to cultivate more joy in my life. I lack gentleness with myself and can be hypercritical. This is in a variety of areas in my life and it stops me from being disciplined. I base my worth on my ability to function, the quality of my consciousness, and my mental health to where I think it's a failure or I think I'm a fuck up if I'm not doing to well emotionally. So it's like I feel bad emotionally and then I beat myself up for feeling bad, making myself feel worse and the cycle continues. I carry a lot of shame in regards to where I'm at with my life currently. I hate how I'm not in college right now because of medical and mental health issues and I hate how I'm on anti depressants. I feel like a failure because of that, a complete mess. I can be really distant with friends and I tend to isolate myself when I'm going through something because I feel like there is something wrong with me. There is a part of me that feels as if I'm unworthy of connection whether it be with friends, family, and romantic partners. I feel like I have to work on myself constantly. I am extremely choosy when it comes to dating. I also tend to date with a scarcity mindset where I go in with the intention of screening a guy instead of connecting with him. I'm a procrastinator especially because of my perfectionistic tendencies. I lack a clear vision in regards to what I want to do with my life and where I want to go with my career. As a result, I don't fully embody my values. I also tend to demonize capitalism because of my stage green tendencies and then get into a fatalistic spiral. I'm having issues with dealing with the pandemic because of the way it's impacting my family. I tend to be reactive with my family and I feel like I'm still 14 around them. I have body image issues which then translates to eating issues. I hate some things in regards to my body. I don't like how I still have break outs. I don't like how my stomach isn't flat and how I have a little chub around the edges no matter what I do to my diet or exercise routine. I don't have many friends and I need to involve myself in my hobbies more.

Same I think my biggest problem is that when I reply to a thread or write a post in my journal, I tend to have very long responses. It's because I want to be thorough and explain my ideas but I'm afraid that makes me annoying and difficult to connect to since most people probably don't want to read a super detailed response. I'm quiet irl but I'm afraid that I'm too talkative here. Perhaps this is a matter of insecurity and perhaps instead that is my flaw. Also, speaking as a woman, the dating section sometimes triggers me (I'm mainly talking about the stuff that has a little red pill sprinkled in). I try to stay away from it so that I'm not super reactive but sometimes it gets the best of me. I'm trying to get better at it though.

My doctor recommended that I take birth control to regulate my PCOS. I'm already doing the diet and life style route as of right now and although I have seen some progress, I have yet to have all of my physical, external symptoms disappear. I understand that taking the diet and life style rout might take some time and trial and error and I'm willing to go through that in order to cultivate healthy habits independent of my PCOS, but I'm also thinking about adding the birth control to the mix. Yet on the other hand I have heard that birth control can mess up your hormones even more in some cases and of course there are the side effects. I'm nervous to try it because there is this level of uncertainty involved as I have never taken medications that impacted me on the hormonal level and because I'm new to birth control.

1/28/2021 Daily Check In *Just realized that I accidentally put in 2020 instead of 2021 for the date on the last post lol. Ate pretty well today. For breakfast I had 2 slices of gluten free toast, an avocado, eggs, and some fruit. Energy levels dipped at around 2 but immediately after I ate I felt much better. Today was pretty good over all. The only thing that deviated was this chicken sandwich I had from the drive through. I was on a drive and I got really thirsty so I decided to pull up at McDonalds for some water and thought might as well also get something to eat. I haven't had their spicy chicken sandwich since I don't even know when. It's been years tbh. I'm not super big on chicken sandwiches but when I do crave something, I tend to be a bit of a fast food snob where I still try to eat healthy and I end up spending a little bit more money. Like I have this tendency where I will only have burgers from In n Out or a restaurant because the burgers in other fast food places taste too greasy and just not right. I'm the same way with Cane's chicken and I also tend to gravitate towards places like Panera bread which is more expensive than say McDonalds. It's just that I don't eat out super often so when I do have the urge, I want to indulge in something that tastes good instead of something that tastes fake lol. I honestly forgot how the chicken sandwich was only $1. I remember as a kid this was my absolute favorite sandwich so there is a bit of nostalgia tied to it. I took one bite and it wasn't bad but it wasn't AMAZING. I think I just liked this as a kid because I didn't know much else tbh. I finished the sandwich and I caught myself feeling slightly sluggish for the rest of the day. That's why I typically avoid most fast food (and if I find myself in a position to have some I tend to lean towards a lot of vegetables or a salad since there is little you can do to mess that up) because even though in the moment everything might taste fine (but not amazing), I do feel off afterwards since I 'm used to eating a certain way on a regular basis. And to me, that off feeling is enough to make me not want to get hooked to it. 1/29/2021 Daily Check In I didn't feel like eating breakfast so I only had a slice of toast with some peanut butter. I tried to make up for it later on in between breakfast and lunch by eating a few snacks like a banana, some cereal, and some nuts, just so I can get my calories in for the day and so I wouldn't be fatigued. I also caught myself having some light chocolate cravings. Other than that, today went by pretty smoothly. I was also expecting to break out from the chicken sandwich yesterday because the bread was most definitely not gluten free and the whole thing was processed but my skin didn't act up. Something like this also happened before and I'm starting to think that I can have gluten and dairy in small amounts granted I still eat enough for the rest of the day. I know that PCOS insulin resistance can get triggered because of gluten and dairy. Normally, I know my PCOS is getting triggered by the way that I break out. I think that sensitivity is exacerbated when I'm not getting enough calories since going too low on calories for the day can cause the release of stress hormones (because the body thinks you're starving) which then causes the PCOS to act up.

I want to figure out some type of trajectory in the next year or so because I'm going to be graduating college and I need to know my next steps. In both times, it took me a month and a half. I was doing about 2-3 videos a day and a book per week. I did a lot of life purpose related work prior to finding this course such as evaluating my values, figuring out my interests, finding my strengths etc. on my own as I was having a regular existential crisis therefore contemplating regularly about what I wanted to do with my life all throughout high school. There were some flaws with the way I was looking at the situation and I did have some limiting beliefs but the life purpose course sorted a lot of that out the first time around.

@Preety_India writing and traveling not higher or lower by any means. It's just that I was more attracted to manifesting my life purpose in that way when I was at a certain point in my life and then I became attracted to a different thing when I moved into a different point in my life.

1/27/2020 Daily Check In I did have breakfast today. I had a bowl of cheerios with some almond milk, some blackberries, and an egg. I remember I used to always think that making breakfast takes a long time but now that I got used to it and it's a part of my routine, it feels quicker, as if because it's a habit I go into autopilot and don't realize how long or short it's taking. Still feel like I have to force myself to eat breakfast because I don't feel hungry in the morning. But I'm starting to notice that this constant fullness feeling is starting to wane a little bit and I'm starting to get my normal appetite back. What I'm eating right now doesn't feel like a huge amount of food like it did a few weeks back. I have been feeling more focused and energetic today. Didn't have any amount of drowsiness at all. But I did feel my chocolate cravings come up but I didn't really fulfill them since I don't have anything in the house at the moment.

Ok I got around to watching this video as well as the one with James Marshall speaking on how to be a man (not sure if that video was on this thread or if I found it on a different one) They are both really good videos and I feel like I got a good idea on the whole topic of pick up, especially healthy examples of it. I'm going to be honest, I was really hesitant about starting this thread. As some people know I started right after another dumpster fire thread lol. I was nervous about this turning into another flame war and I did my best to be open minded and keep things diplomatic by putting my impulses to the side. I wanted to see what my blind spots were, if there as any information I was missing, and be exposed to another perspective. I think on my behalf, lack of information was a huge thing because the view I had of pick up was mainly the red pill, manipulation pick up when really pick up exists on a spectrum. And I feel like I came out with a little bit more understanding.

Someone in the comments section said "Imagine being able to rule a country and have anything you ever wanted. Only to get killed by your crippling addiction to cheese" and that killed me lmao

Some videos I found entertaining

1/26/2021 Daily Check In Today I woke up feeling tired because I took some melatonin last night since I couldn't sleep. My tiredness was just the effects of the melatonin still lingering. I made myself breakfast even though I didn't feel like it as usual. Today I had two slices of toast with some dairy free cream cheese, a banana with some peanut butter, and a handful of raspberries. I normally don't have cream cheese but I noticed that the avocados I had in the fridge were hard as rocks and still no where near ripe so I thought I'd buy some cream cheese for the mean time. I decided to have my raspberries to get my fruits in and I had the banana so that I can get some more food since I was too lazy to make myself eggs. I felt pretty energized throughout the day. No tired feelings mid day or anything of that sort. My mood has also been keeping up well. My only complaint I guess is that my period is supposed to be here but it isn't so idk what is happening. I think it might be because I wasn't eating enough calories for a couple weeks earlier this month and my body interpreted that as a stressor along with me eating chocolate. Those are my guesses. Because other than that, I have been for the most part gluten and dairy free.

I want a kid in the future may be 10+ years down the line but the idea of being pregnant, giving birth, and then recovering from the whole thing scares tf out of me. Maybe I'll settle for adoption who knows.

@somegirl I'm pretty sure it takes some time for the body to recover from pregnancy since it's a whole thing but that time differs from woman to woman. Then again I can't say much about it since I have never been in that position.

The chemical aspect is definitely there. Numerous factors can be at play. In that conversation I was mainly trying to see it from social standpoint. And yeah I have heard of some girls pulling that type of thing only to get hurt themselves. It's messed up. You can't fuck someone into liking you or change their intentions in regards to what they want for themselves romantically. I think this desire to get someone to like you or commit to you comes from a scarcity mindset from both genders because if you had an abundance mindset, you would just go and find someone who actually likes you. That makes sense. Huh interesting. Yeah I can see this being a huge factor. I feel that porn is the main problem as opposed to masturbation. For some people, masturbation can be a way to get to know your body and a way to get in touch with your desires more if in the past you didn't do that or you were repressed in any way. That's why at first glance I thought *huh, wtf is this nofap thing about????* @peqkno I'll check on the video a little later because it is pretty long

I was talking about this with a friend a couple months back. We were talking about why some of fwb relationships don't work and why there is often one party that gets attached. Part of it I think has to do with either not knowing what you want or not being honest with what you want. There are people who believe that being in a fwb will eventually lead to developing feelings because of how physical you are, but I feel that instead of developing feelings, the relationship unveils repressed desires which are then projected to whomever you were having a fwb relationship with regardless of who that person is. For example, a lot of girls get attached to a guy in a fwb relationship because deep down inside they didn't know that a committed relationship was what they wanted either because they were told that in order to be "cool" you needed to be hooking up with people and be ok with getting less than what you want. Boundaries you ask? No you don't want to communicate that openly, then you'll look crazy. When it comes to sexuality, sometimes it's difficult for women to figure out what they want for themselves because you get shamed either way. You get shamed for being prude and uptight if you are just looking for a long term relationship and you get shamed for being a slut for wanting to sleep around. The amount of judgement that's there can cloud your own authenticity. For guys who get attached to a fwb when they weren't being honest with what they want, a lot of it I think can boil down to toxic masculinity. You aren't supposed to want to have a monogamous relationship and tie yourself down. Are you crazy? You're supposed to want to fuck as many girls as possible or else you're not a real man. Just in general, men have a lot of issues with developing close relationships with their friends compared to friendships around women. Because as a man, you aren't supposed to get emotional and be vulnerable with what's going on with you even if you are around friends. That also trickles into the romantic field where you are expected to be stoic instead of building a connection with a woman. So then the guy resorts to being emotionally unavailable and the mask sometimes slips off when they get attached for whatever reason. And then there is people of both genders who feel the need to mask their need for intimate emotional connection with a lot of sex with multiple partners because being vulnerable and emotional is generally seen as a weakness and as an embarrassment. Goes back to the whole toxic masculinity thing and how femininity and traits associated with femininity tends to be degraded and shamed. Just out of curiosity, what do you think about this take? Also with the whole no fap thing, I get a strong suspicion that it is placebo in a lot of cases. But I do think it can be helpful for people who are trying to build up their self discipline muscle or people who are trying to get over a porn addiction. I guess for some people who masturbate for unhealthy reasons, masturbating and watching porn can carry this notion that sex isn't actually for you but it's for the people on the screen. Or it can be a distraction for some people from getting their lives together. I guess like with all things self help, it depends on the person and their situation when it comes to what kind of solution will work for them.

@Preety_India Lets see: Irregular and skipped periods Really painful cycles Hair loss Fatigue Extreme cravings (though I'm pretty sure I had these before the PCOS) Acne Weight gain/ difficult losing weight Messed up sleep schedule Messed up metabolism (though my metabolism has been messed up for a variety of other reasons) Hair growing in weird places Anxiety Depression Also when I get stressed, I have a lot of physical manifestations of it which include the worsening of the above Weird blood test results because of my liver I have dealt with most of these so far but I'm still dealing with acne, hair growing in weird places, irregular cycles, difficulty losing weight, messed up metabolism, anxiety and depression. All of these have gotten better but they aren't gone yet.

@mandyjw I bought her book Women's Bodies Women's Wisdom. I found her perspective really interesting and to a certain extent I could relate to the emotional causes of PCOS that she described. Prior to buying this book, I was already doing that type of healing work so I decided to continue what I was doing. My health has been all over the place so I decided to focus my extra attention to reducing stress and calming tf down. I just watched this video right now and so far I have cleaned up my regular diet for my PCOS. I cut out gluten and dairy since those can make insulin resistance worse. I couldn't fully cut out bread. Tried it didn't really work for me personally. Now I'm mainly working on getting my metabolism back on track by eating breakfast more regularly as well as ensuring I eat enough. I guess I could also maybe look into some herbs. Not sure where to start though Over all at this point, I feel like I'm managing my PCOS. A lot of my symptoms have reduced but they aren't gone yet. Part of me wants to wait a little longer to see if it will take another couple months for all my new habits to pay off or to just take the chance with the birth control.

1/25/2021 Daily Check In For my first official daily check in, I thought I'd reflect on the goals that I set for myself to see how I'm doing. I crossed out the ones I feel that I have implemented successfully, bolded the ones I'm still working on, and italicized the ones that I haven't really done. I noticed that on the occasion that I do eat outside the house I almost always have meat so that didn't really work out I have reduced my sugar intake by a lot. I'm really proud of myself for that because it felt like an impossible task before. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm at the point where when I crave something sweet, I just reach for a piece of fruit and I'm perfectly satisfied with it. The only added sugar that's in my diet is the cereal I eat and that's just 2 grams which I'm sure isn't a big deal lol. But as for other grains, I decided to keep them in my diet because I feel like my body just functions better that way. As for my chocolate cravings, I found that after I let myself have chocolate, the novelty wore off as predicted and now I don't crave it as much. Before I was craving it almost after every meal and now it's once every couple of days. I'm probably going to do a whole post on it later on. Yes I have introduced tofu and miso into my diet. Though it was super recently, I have yet to notice anything going wrong/ right in my diet so there is that. I'm not getting enough calories just yet. I know earlier in this journal I said that I'm not going to track my food because it can be a bit much but because I was already doing my food diaries, I thought I might as well track it on the cronometer site. When I do make myself eat, I get in anywhere from 1500-1700 calories in a day. That is less than the average 2000 calories but I think it's better than what I was doing before unintentionally which was around 800-1100 calories. I feel better and more energetic. Before I would always get the urge to go and take a nap around 2-4pm but now I don't have to deal with that and as a result my sleep schedule has been more on track. I was initially feeling super stuffed after eating this much every day since I got used to eating a small amount but now it's not so much that I feel stuffed rather I feel full all the time. Which brings me to the next point. Incorporating more fruits was easier than expected I guess since I really wanted to do that. I just eat some as breakfast and some as a snack for when I want something sweet. For the most part I am eating breakfast regularly. But I am still at the point where I feel like I need to force myself. I wake up every morning already feeling full so often times I don't have any desire to eat but since I'm trying to make it a habit I'm doing so anyway. Before I REALLY had to force myself because I would go to bed feeling stuffed however it isn't that bad anymore. I still have some getting used to to do. I notice that on the days that I do eat breakfast, I don't feel the need to snack and that my mood is more stable. Because I have more energy, exercise has become easier. Before it was difficult for me to get myself to do anything since I was always done with life but now, I don't have many issues with exercising except feeling sore. I have been eating more greens and broccoli I feel like and I have introduced pumpkin seeds on my salads so there is that. But even when I did that, I found that my daily intake for iron was low when I would enter in my food to the tracker. The cheerios really have helped me in regards to making sure I get my iron in without any of the negative side effects I got from the iron supplements I was getting before. And as a bonus, I feel like I'm much more in touch with my body and what it needs now a days than before so I'm also proud of myself for that as well. Also my skin is clearer and I'm rarely if ever bloated so that feels nice. In short, these are the things that I'm still working on from most to least important. Eating Breakfast regularly- Just have to keep going. Getting enough calories- I'm going to maintain the 1500-1700 calories for now until I'm 100% used to it before I bump that up to 2000 Dealing with chocolate cravings- These are for the most part gone, I feel like I'm the last leg meat outside the house- Idek to what extent I'm going to even address this for now since it is so minor but we'll see.

I think it should be fine but my gut feeling is over run by uneasiness so it's difficult to differentiate between fear and intuition

To be fair, the first time I found one of Leo's videos I thought he was going to be a cult leader. Nevertheless I decided to hear him out (also I was a rationalist who wanted to see other people's delusions in the comments section and see what other crazy thing this guy is going to say for entertainment purposes). Then after a few videos I was like *hey, he is actually talking a lot of sense.* I decided to subscribe and keep watching because even though I didn't agree or feel comfortable with everything, there is still a lot I can learn. No need to throw out the baby with the bath water.

@7thLetter Goes back to the whole using manipulation tactics and cheap tricks to look like a quality man vs. actually building your life so that you are a quality man. On top of getting laid, the manipulation tactic also makes for a perfect distraction from the things they actually need to work on. You get your perceived notion of success and you get to stop thinking about your problems. It's a brilliant self deception tactic for the ego if you ask me. Also sorry to get off topic but being on this forum has brought this to my mind. what's the whole deal with no fap? Seems very strange and unnecessary coming from a woman.

@caveman yeah I'm doing what I can and most of those things are under control Still a situation that is annoying as fuck and I know it's going to be something that is likely fucking me up slowly but surely

Food Diary Entries- The Way I'm Going To Do Them Going Forward I've recently been getting bored of doing these food diary entries mainly because I have gotten into the habit of eating certain foods repetitively. That's not to say that I'm bored of eating what I'm eating but it is to say that I'm bored of writing the same things over and over again. To me, that isn't really giving much value to my journal. I originally started doing these food diary entries to keep myself accountable for my healthy eating and for developing habits for my over all diet change. I also wanted to be more aware of what I was actually eating. I felt that I really needed that sense of accountability because to me, cutting out added sugars, gluten and dairy was difficult at the time. Those things were often present in every meal. But now, my habits have largely been put in place so this as a personal practice seems a little redundant. Instead I'm going to do a daily check in of sorts. I noticed that on my food diary entries, the additional notes section is giving me more value and insight of what I need to be doing differently. I'm going to have more of that along with some habits I'm trying to implement like eating breakfast on a regular basis. I will also discuss any new foods I have been trying. I just don't want this journal to get stale and repetitive.

Yes I have had relationships like this with people across different levels of development separate from my own. It's easier than what people think. Often times you just have to let yourself be and empathize with a person. Sure there can be a number a mechanisms involved that can be analyzed and dissected, but you need to get outside of your head, at least that's what I noticed with myself. In order to enjoy the beingness of life with another person, you don't have to reach a certain place in development or be fully enlightened. You can just make the choice to do so.

I feel like mass culture came into orange and kept going deeper into orange in the 1900s at least in the U.S. There was plenty of blue still there in say the 1920s but it really started moving towards orange.