soos_mite_ah

I have some stressors that I'm normally ok at dealing with but because of my changed circumstances, I find myself having to deal with those stressors constantly for a prolonged period of time. Its chipping away at me and I know that I'm most definitely going to have to deal with trauma regarding my situation and the prolonged stress. It's like that metaphor of holding a glass of water for a long time. Holding a glass of water is easy enough for a brief period of time. If you hold it for an hour, you'll have an ache in your arm. If you hold it for a day, your arm will feel numb, it may feel paralyzed or it fall off (according to the metaphor). In each case, the weight of the water doesn't change, but the longer it's held, the heavier it feels. Stress and anxiety are like the glass of water. My question is, how can I deal with prolonged stress better, given that you cant just get out of the situation? I want to minimize the repercussions of that stress so that I dont have go deal with residual future trauma responses if that makes sense.

There was a Subway at my community college. I remember I had a class right above it and every time lunch time rolled around, that classroom would smell like Subway because of shared vents. I used to like Subway. I mean it was ok, but because of that experience for a semester, I lost all taste for Subway and now I'm grossed out by it. I haven't had Subway in 4 years and I'm not intending to anytime soon.

My Unhealthy Stage Green Exhaustion Phase I think I'm at Cycle 2 Phase 4 at this point. I have been dealing with a lot of stage orange related trauma when it comes to productivity and late capitalism. I feel like I'm in the last leg of that. I remember the first time I was in this place (Cycle 1 Phase 4) I started embracing the pinnacle of unhealthy orange as a response to sorting out stage blue trauma while moving into green more deeply. It was as if I was exhausting any bit of orange that I haven't fully embraced yet. I remember feeling compelled to be super productive almost to the point of being a workaholic. That's how that manifested for me. Even in the moment I knew it wasn't super healthy but part of me felt like I still had to exhaust it. Originally I felt uncomfortable with this very part of orange but when I got to this phase, it felt natural to go through it as a part of a foundation for my future development. Similarly, I find myself in the same place but instead I'm moving into unhealthy green as I sort through my stage orange trauma while moving into yellow. I sometimes catch myself going into these angsty anticapitalistic spirals and feeling tempted to embrace the archetype of the hippie that sits around smoking weed all day (I'm not smoking weed but that's just the energy I'm in lately). I also catch myself getting attracted to astrology and tarot as a way of giving me hope and explaining my unpredictable life (again, not coming at this from the healthiest mindset, there isn't anything wrong with astrology or tarot per se). While from the birds eye view I know what I'm doing isn't the best manifestation of green, I feel like again I need to exhaust it to move forward. These were originally things about green that I was uncomfortable with upon finding the spiral dynamics model and now I'm taking those things to the excess so that I cover the stage thoroughly for a solid foundation. I also find myself feeling burnt out like I predicted but it isn't the same type of exhaustion burn out that I felt in the first cycle. This time, the burn out has been about being tired of self development as a whole to where I feel like self development has turned into a fixation. I took a break from this site for about a week and I didn't think about self help and that in itself made me feel rejuvenated. I think I need more of that. Here is an expansion of what I have been feeling in regards to all of this. As far as spiral stage goes, I feel like I'm 20% green and 80% yellow in this phase. I suppose my prediction was spot on. That 20% green is just that last unhealthy bit that I'm releasing atm. I'm also practicing being present and embodying more. However, I will say that I don't feel like I have a hint of turquoise in me yet. That's the only part of my prediction that didn't come true. Again, exact percentages of where I'm at in the spiral can be skewed because of self bias. I'm not trying to slap on a label, just trying to gage where I'm at in my journey.

I think this is really important. I can see how focusing too much on the Absolute or letting go of ego can cause people to stop being grounded which in itself turns into a form of lack of integration. I know people say that ego is the enemy but it is still important to acknowledge the purpose the ego serves. It isn't a strictly negative notion. It is important to develop a healthy ego imo. From personal experience, I remember at one point I really identified myself with my hobbies and what I like to do. Somethings happened in my life that compelled me to question if those activities are really me. I am not my hobbies nor am I what I do rather I am the doer. That was the conclusion I came to. But I think I went too far to the other side to where I forgot to honor my sense of individuality that comes from my hobbies. Instead of pursuing what I enjoyed doing, I let it go completely and stopped for a while. I started living a more contemplative life rather than an active one. I also got super into self help to where it almost feels like an addiction. That isn't a bad thing necessarily but I don't think it is sustainable for me personally for the rest of my life. I'm not trying to live in a monastic life in a cave even though I have nothing against it. I just thought this part was beautiful I also have the experience with feeling like my personality and my preferences are fluid to where I feel as if I can change my personality radically on the course of a couple of years if I really wanted to. I like the comparison of how personality and preferences are like dancing and trying on costumes. I think it is healthiest to come at it from an attitude of exploration rather than attachment. Exploration allows consciousness to get creative and get the most out of life while attachment appeals to the ego can can breed resistance to change which halts the exploration process.

I have been contemplating this lately. I'm probably talking out of my ass here but bear with me. On one hand, personality and preferences are ego because they aren't inherent to consciousness. Personality and preferences seem inherent to who we are often because they formed earlier than we are capable of remembering (like really early childhood) but a change in background, biology, etc can be enough to create a completely different person. Both personality and preferences have to do with our survival mechanisms based on what we found worked for us by chance. Personality and preferences aren't who we are and are illusion. You have to peel those back and deconstruct them in order to get to the core or who you are which is infinite consciousness. On the other hand, personality and preferences can be a function of form rather than ego. You can have your preferences and inclinations but not identify with them strongly. For instance, I might be an extrovert who prefers to live my life a certain way but I am open minded to the notion of people being different and living life in a totally different, or even opposite way without any judgement on my part. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can have something and honor it but not egoically identify with it. For example, you can have a nice car that you like and take care of it and its needs but not be attached to it or be upset if suddenly that nice car wasn't there anymore or got replaced with a different car. I guess you can see your personality and preferences in that way. If you try to expand your sense of self by deconstructing what you identify with, would your personality and preferences become more fluid? Will they cease to exist at all? Or will they still be there but it isn't something that you actively defend or get irritated about when people don't share the same view as you?

I mean in order understand what is being projected out, wouldn't you automatically have an image of yourself? Like if you notice yourself having a dry sense of humor, wouldn't you then have an image of yourself having a dry sense of humor? Would a lack of ego or image or yourself imply that you aren't aware of what you're projecting out? That doesn't make sense because typically to be more self aware you need to have less ego. I'm sorry if I'm missing your point completely but I'm confused Also, I guess the reason why I lumped personality and preference together is because even though preference can be a whole thing of it's own, personality is almost like how you prefer to act. If you identify as an introverted personality type, it is likely that you will prefer small groups and more solitude.

Just had a thought that was relevant to this thread. All forms are an illusion and part of the ego because everything is one from a nondual perspective. However, nonduality still contains duality. Consciousness explores duality and separation through different forms. You can honor those forms without having the ego latch on to them. In fact, paradoxically, to honor these different forms also requires you to not latch on to any one of them because latching on to one thing prevents you from exploring other things. It's ok to have preferences so long you know they aren't absolute and applicable to everyone or thing.

Interesting read. Though I would have to disagree with some bits. Individually, yes we are all unique because we are a different cocktail of biological, social factors as well as life experiences. The way I see it, sociology is good at breaking down collective egos an identifying patterns in the big picture. The limitation of that is that it can fall into the trap of painting people with a simplistic, broad stroke that waters down individuality (this is where I agree with in the article). Psychology on the other hand is good at breaking down individual egos and using individuals as separate case studies. The limitation of this lens is that it doesn't look at the big picture, often system factors of a behavior so next thing you know you have your Jordan Peterson types who are so individualistic in their world view to where it becomes short sided. Sexuality can be pretty fluid for some individuals. I don't have much personal experience with that but I know people who do. I think you dealing with your internalized homophobia is an example of dealing with the egoic attachment to your orientation and desire to be masculine but still acknowledging the heterosexual form/ preference you have.

I do have experience in this When I was like 12 I really identified with being the emo kid who likes anime. It seems rather silly to me now that I have grown past it but the type of music and the type of shows I watched back then felt like my identity. My music preferences have become more fluid and expanded past a narrow specific genre. My preferences when it came to shows just ceased to exist at all. I don't mind watching movies and TV but it's rare that I would binge watch something or that I would latch on to it by identifying it. When I first started college, I used to get really easily triggered when it came to any type of bigotry. I go to a rather conservative university where most of the student body identify as conservative. There is a very small percentage of liberals and leftists like myself. After a year or so of hanging out with a more conservative crowd, even though my opinions haven't changed, I can see where people are coming from and understand both logically and emotionally what led people to have the thoughts that they hold. As a result, I'm not super judgmental or triggered any more however I do prefer to keep my distance from certain people to avoid unhealthy and limiting mindsets. Those are the most simple, clear cut examples I can think of from my life to illustrate what I'm talking about.

Long time no see I haven't really been on this site or really on the internet all that much because for the last week or so because Texas got hit by a terrible winter storm which ended up being an infrastructural disaster. I have been getting electricity on and off and didn't have running water for a couple of days because I had a pipe burst in my house because it was so cold outside. Any way, here is an update of how I have been doing as far as my health goes: I'm pretty much in the habit of eating breakfast everyday. I even feel hungry in some mornings when I wake up so to me that is an improvement. My ability to fall asleep has improved since I started going on birth control I guess because my hormones are being regulated better. It took me a week and a half for my body to adjust to the birth control. Initially I started breaking out, feeling nauseated, and had more hair grow in weird places (basically a worsening of my PCOS symptoms plus feeling nauseous). Now, those side effects are gone and I am expecting to see improvement in the coming weeks. I don't crave chocolate anymore, like at all. I'm proud of myself for that. Even though I still enjoy food and am not strict with myself, I don't crave things period at this point. Now that I think about it, I have also pretty much cut out most added sugars. While I'm not craving unhealthy foods, I haven't been eating super healthy in this past week. A lot of it has to do with the food availability in my house and the super markets. Everything is gone because of this storm. The shelves are empty so when I was running out of food at home, I just grabbed whatever was there. I'm not super concerned with this though because this was largely situational and isn't reflective of my over all habit changes. I still struggle to get enough calories in. I'm going to be honest, this winter storm and everything that came with it threw off my concentration on my health related goals. Let's be real, when you don't have heat, electricity, or running water, and everything around you is frozen to where you can't drive without it being a hazard, there are bigger things to worry about than your diet. I still managed to stay gluten and dairy free for the most part, eat breakfast, not crave a bunch of foods that aren't good for me mainly because those are things that I do out of habit and I don't have to think about. But lately, I don't think I have been eating enough as far as my goals are concerned however it isn't to the point where I see a dip in my energy levels. My energy levels are great. I haven't had any issues with fatigue. I tried to supplement with a protein bar to get in more calories and protein and honestly I hated it. I need to try something different to meet those goals. I haven't been exercising regularly. I had issues with maintaining that habit before but this recent natural disaster threw me off more Out of these I'd say that I met all of these goals except for the getting enough calories part. I think it's time to set new goals. Here are just some of my thoughts. Reduce chicken: I have been contemplating on going vegan for ethical and environmental reasons. It really came into my mind after I let go of dairy. I'm not sure how realistic it would be for me going forward but we'll see. I don't think I'll ever be 100% vegan but I can see myself being very plant based in my day to day life (not including when I'm out with friends or special occasions). A lot of my meals already are vegan and vegetarian without me really trying. The main animal products I eat are eggs and seafood. Sometimes I eat chicken but it isn't super prevalent in my diet however it is something that is regularly there. I think that if I were to be vegan or vegetarian, my main issue would be cutting out of eggs and seafood while managing to get enough protein. Even with eggs and seafood, I still have issues with getting enough protein. I need to look into more plant based sources if I am to make that transition. But for now I think reducing chicken is a start. Get enough calories and protein: This is rolling over from the previous set of goals because I haven't met it. I'm also adding in the protein piece since that has been something that I've been thinking about and observing. Exercise regularly: I already get some form of movement and exercise everyday but I really want to get into working out. I used to shy away from working out before even though I do enjoy it because my body image and my eating habits weren't super great and I was afraid of this spiraling into an unhealthy obsession. I think I'm in the place where I can implement this in a healthy way. My goal is to work out 3-4 days a week. I think that is more reasonable and sustainable than to expect myself to work out everyday with no rest days.

Things I want to do when the pandemic is over Go to a restaurant: Doesn't matter where, I just want to take myself to dinner and sit down somewhere that isn't my car or my house in order to eat. Also, I want to go to a coffee shop and just chill. That was one of my favorite things to do before all of this happened. I know I can technically do that now but my parent are at risk and we are hella strict when it comes to these things. Go shopping: I want to get some new clothes because part of me wants a change since I have essentially been wearing the same 5 outfits on repeat in the house since I have nowhere to go. Also, I feel like my tastes and over all vibe has shifted and I want to wear things that honor that change. I know I can shop online but I want to shop in person because I'm built weird (as far as the fashion industry is concerned) and I have to try things on. Go to a big ass party: I have a lot of repressed and bottled up craziness stirring inside of me and I want a release. I don't see myself partying a lot since it really isn't my thing but I feel like I need to go to 1 rave or something to get that out of my system. Start dating again and get into a short term relationship: I have a lot of romantic thirstiness to release and I want to explore my sexuality more since idk what my orientation is anymore. Also, I want to let go of this idea that I have to have my life all the way together and constantly work on myself in order to b loved. Make some friends: I really want a social circle again. I was so ready to start putting myself out there but as soon as I felt that way the pandemic hit. Get some actual hands on experience with my career: A lot of the internships I have been applying to are ones that are remote. I'm tired of just sitting behind a screen in my bedroom. and last but not least....... TRAVEL AND MOVE OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE: I had to cancel my plans and move back home. That has taken a toll on me to say the least. I can't wait to do things by myself again. In short, because I can't do any of these things, I feel rather repressed. On a somewhat related note, I also feel like I haven't aged since March because of the pandemic.

I realized that I was addicted to self help when I realized that most of my interests revolve around it and that I tend to base my self worth on how conscious I am being. Part of me was attracted to self help because I genuinely wanted to be the best I could be but I would be lying if I said that this is the only thing that drew me to it. Another part of me was attracted to self help because I think that there is something inherently wrong with me and that I need to make up for lost time because I have all of this potential that I haven't tapped into yet. While this addiction has helped me grow a lot as a person, I'm starting to see the limitations of it for me personally. I also realize that getting over self help is also a form of self help since I'm working through an addiction I have. It's a paradox lol. But yeah, how do I deal with this?

Title says it all. Would prefer long answers or get video/book recommendations

2/12/2021 Daily Check In I went to sleep and I woke up feeling full and nauseous. I'm not sure whether this is a side effect of the birth control or the zoloft but either way I felt sick for most of today and barely ate. For breakfast I has 3 slices of toast with butter and an egg. I also had a bowl of cereal with some almond milk and blueberries for dinner. I had a couple of cans of Sprite for the nausea and that helped so thats good. And that's all that I had today. It was a pretty off day but at least I didn't feel depressed.

2/11/2021 Daily Check In Still felt rather blue today but I do feel better than yesterday. I ate breakfast and I had blackberries, an egg some toast, and an avocado along with a handful of pumpkin seeds. I was excited this morning because the avocados I bought are finally ripe enough to eat ☺️. I've been waiting for a while lol. I didn't eat a lot today mainly because I accidentally skipped lunch. Wasnt my intention. By the time I noticed that it was 5pm so I was like, eh I'm having dinner in a couple hours anyway so might as well get a snack.

2/9/2021 Daily Check In I had 2 slices of toast with raspberries along with an egg for breakfast. I ate pretty well today and my energy has been good but other than that my day has been relatively unremarkable. The only thing I guess I can note down was that I had trouble sleeping because of the cold. 2/10/2021 Daily Check In I woke up and I felt depressed as hell today. I guess it is a combination of not sleeping well, having nightmares about the things that give me anxiety, and the weather lately since my depression is influenced by the weather. I wouldn't be surprised if the birth control might have a part in it but I doubt it since I didnt have any side effects in the previous days since I started using it. There were some emotional things that also built up tbh that I wasnt proactive about in handling. Anyway, I forced myself to eat breakfast. I had some cereal with almond milk, blueberries, and peanut butter. I was tempted to skip all of my meals today and hide under the covers for the rest of the day since it is so cold outside but I did manage to make sure I ate enough food as well as go to a doctors appointment I had today. This might sound pathetic, but I'm proud of myself for doing the bare minimum which includes eating healthy, taking a shower, and going to the doctor. I really didnt feel like doing any of those things but I'm sure I would have felt worse had I dont none of those things.

This video really resonated with me and is pretty spot on imo

2/7/2021 Daily Check In For breakfast I had a handful of blueberries and some cereal with almond milk. I also had an egg. I had a shit ton of pizza today as well. It's basically the ultimate pizza with all of the vegetables I like that I referenced earlier in my journal. It was really satisfying and I had 4 slices. I was so filled up to where I didnt have dinner. Instead, I just opted for a protein bar. I felt a little sluggish after the pizza but it wasnt so bad. I just felt really full and that's about it. 2/8/2021 Daily Check In Ok so I think the birth control is working. Normally, I would break out pretty badly with a meal like the one I had the day before. But that didnt happen today so that's a good sign. Still not getting any side effects from the birth control. As for breakfast, today I skipped. Even though I'm never hungry in the morning, I caught myself having to make the conscious effort to have breakfast. That's a good sign imo, it means that making and eating breakfast is becoming a habit that I dont have to think about. I also kept my food a little light in general today because that's what my body wanted. I have essentially been feeling full for the last few weeks straight so part of me was like *I need a break.*

Blue moving into orange and then to healthy orange/green

2/6/2021 Daily Check In For the next idk how many days, the format and quality of my posts may be off because my laptop broke and now I'm typing this on my phone ? At least I have more options for emojis lol ? Anyway, today for breakfast I had tofu scrambled eggs and a cauliflower tortilla. I also had my protein bar and I caught myself feeling a little sleepy. Idk if this is just me tbh. For the rest of the day, I felt really full so I ate a little less than usual. I know protein is satiating but god damn. I think if I were to keep eating this, I'll have to eat the protein bar at night so that I can still get my calories in from the rest of the day. As for the birth control, things are going ok. I haven't grown an extra limb or had any side effects.... yet. Let's hope it stays this way and that it helps. This is only my second day on birth control so it's still to early to tell. My period on the other hand is not really my period at the moment. It's more like spotting tbh. There is no pain or cramps involved but my period as a whole is barely there.

@NatureB I think my thing is that finding my life purpose and getting impatient with it is coming from a place of pain. I feel like I have this deadline of being successful. I feel like I'm this blob of wasted potential. I feel like I really need stability and a grounding force for these uncertain times. I feel like I really need to have a clear idea of which way I'm headed next to feel a sense of safety, like I'm doing something with my life. I feel upset about living with my parents at this moment and I'm having trouble connecting to my pure, authentic joy, because of my home environment due to COVID. I think these are the things that are limiting me and that I need to let go of that resistance to attract my life purpose.