soos_mite_ah

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  1. not sure if this leans more yellow or green but there are some elements of yellow that I found
  2. I found this channel and I fell in love with her analysis
  3. Anti-Capitalist Depression Spirals So March 13th 2021 is coming up and for the last couple months I found myself think *damn, I have spent an entire year in this mess* I look back at where I was circumstantially and emotionally this time last year. I was so SO SOOO happy. I sorted out the bulk of my childhood trauma, I was living by myself, and I was thriving really. I was ready to start my 20s off in the right foot. My childhood and my teen years were a mess but that's behind me now. I was looking into the future. Sure, like any college student trying to figure out what to do with their life there was a level of anxiety and uncertainty but I had put plans in place to address that. It was manageable. I was so happy to where my happiness was able to sustain some type of sanity even in the first 6-7 months of the pandemic. But moving back home started to take a toll on me and started to erode me slowly but surely. That anxiety and uncertainty I felt about my future felt more and more crushing as the world started spiraling out of control. I consider myself relatively adaptable and as someone who really likes change. But this wasn't a change that I chose with an ounce of agency. It was chaos I was pushed into. Essentially this is how I feel as I was doing my school work and filling out internship applications: And if there is anything this pandemic has made clear as fucking day is the limitations of capitalism. Which brings me to Gen Z. Honestly, I feel like we are like Millennials as far as political beliefs go except we're like... feral. Like millennials had the peace and the prosperity of the 90s but got a rude awakening when 9/11 and the Great Recession happened. Gen Z never got the chance to sleep. Sure, we're more woke I guess but at the cost of our sanity. I was born in 1999. My earliest memory was 9/11. The Great Recession, boomers bitching about health care, and old people talking about how the coming generation won't have a better life than their parents were the back drop of my childhood. Sure I didn't know wtf was going on at 8 but chaos was something that was normalized to me. I don't know a time when the world wasn't in chaos and we weren't fighting some forever war in the Middle East. I don't know a time when people would say that America is the greatest country in the world and not have it sound absolutely delusional. ] This is basically what I have observed based on the millennials I have associated with ranging from friends who are like 5 yeas older than me to my young college professors. I feel like Gen Z has this unhinged, chaotic sense of humor that we use to cope with world events by making memes. I remember making jokes about school shootings and having the adults around me, even the younger adults, look at me and my peer group with horror. We care about making change and we are willing to support any solution that comes our way but we are also desensitized to the pain. With the school shooting example, I would imagine in the middle of class what I would do in an event like that and plan shit out in my head. I stopped feeling things when I would see shootings on TV back in 2013 after Sandy Hook. There is just so many situations like that. Also with Sandy Hook, the reason why that hit hard for me is because the day after I had to baby sit a group of 1st graders who were the same ages as the victims of that shooting. And ever since then, nothing compared to that. Speaking of being desensitized, I encounter this with my millennial professors in the social sciences. Some times we get into the topic of wealth inequality an they are like "omg it was so horrible it was so shocking when I was yalls age, what do yall think about this (this usually referring to debates around health care, the 1%, student debt etc)?" And the everyone my age would be dead in the eyes until someone speaks up and says something along the lines of we're not shocked, the people around us have been talking about this since we were kids. But there is a part of me that feels depressed about living in late capitalism. I guess that's just the Millennial in me talking. Although there are trends in collective groups, I find generations stupid because of the way it can paint a broad stroke. I feel like I'm in that awkward in between to where I'm too young to be a Millennial but I'm also old enough to where Gen Z would bully me for my side part and skinny jeans on tiktok lol. Speaking of tiktok, there is this one song I found there that struck a chord with me. I'm having trouble finding it but here is how the lyrics went. Gen Zillennial Born in '99, not feelin so fine Got stuck in between the lines Still mad at my parents cause the let me get a Facebook when I was 9 I posted duckface selfies in a bracelet saying "I <3 boobies" Got sent home for wearing heelies an for trading silly bandz and tamogotchis But my Millennial siblings won't talk about their feelings I talk about my depression earning minimum wage in my second recession My parents taught me respect but now it's my job to teach them how to act Cause I'm their kid that turned out queer but at least they didn't vote for Trump last year It's the turning 21 in quarantine for me Growing up with That's So Raven on TV Liking Green Day and Avril Lavigne but never really going through a phase of "scene" More socially educated than the people whom I'm related Cause I'm the youngest of the family But I'm not young enough to be Gen Z Sometimes because of late capitalism, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. In my last couple of posts about some things I want to do but that's so that I have something to aim for instead of turning into a nihilistic blob. The future just feels so dystopian now. It's filled with environmental destruction and the greed of the 1% that has been slowly cooking us alive but the boomers are too unware to notice it. Even before the pandemic I would sometimes talk about future plans with my friends and sometimes we would joke and say "I mean it's not like the world will be around after 2030 because of climate change what's the point of planning hahaha." But there is this part of us that was serious in a nihilistic sense. Nothing is promised to us. The future doesn't exist. Especially with this pandemic, I really don't know what the world is going to be like. I can barely make plans for something 2 months down the road much less 2 years. It's both exciting and terrifying. On one hand things could always get much worse since the pandemic is simply speeding up trends that were already there but on the other hand, thing can get better as more and more people wake up and start demanding change. Of course, the later scenario will take time. Even after this is over, we will still be left to pick up the pieces. That will take another decade at least IMO. There is no going back to normal. And to take it in an individualistic direction, I put in a lot of effort into making sure my college experience was going to be good by getting independence from my parents and sorting out my childhood only to no get a college experience and to be sucked back into my parents house again. I remember back at 16 I looked forward to traveling and exploring different cultures and really getting to know myself. It gave me something to hang on to. I kept telling myself, hey I just need to get through a couple years of high school and then I can live my life. Instead now, I'm back at the small town I grew up in and I feel like I'm 14 again because of the way my parent's treat me. I'm also dealing with financial issues because my physical and mentall health is all over the place and the health care system here is ass. Fuck capitalism This video hit me pretty damn hard despite having no memories of the 90s. The thing that is burned in my mind are the following: This. fucking. graph. If the Millennials are in red because of 2008, Gen Z will basically have nothing after the pandemic. That's something I caught myself thinking about even in the beginning stages of this disaster. If 2008 fucked over the previous generation that badly, what will the pandemic mean for us in the future? I feel like 2008 was a piece of cake compared to this bs. "Things were so terrible for so long to where we miss when they were just bad." "It was the neoliberal dream come true. The 90s were the best argument that the system works so long as the right people are in charge....The neoliberal dream did come true once and we weren't happy. We were famously disenchanted with it." "Jaded sarcasm isn't brave in 2020. It's the path of least resistance for edgy 4Chan lords. It does not imply a deep and abiding morality. This is the new sincerity generation where bravery is being a gender nonconformist socialist queerdo who refuses the ugliness of the world from closing them off from human connection. And young people don't feel trapped by the future because nobody believes in the future anymore," I'm going to end this post with a meme that depicts my default mood at this point. And every so often it devolves into this:
  4. @modmyth Yeah I realized that a lot of people don't notice unless they are staring at your chest. I feel like that's my attitude toward my body image as a whole as I grow up which is the notion that people aren't scrutinizing your looks the way you do to yourself. They are either too busy to care, they are too worried about themselves to pay any attention to you, or they care but that's because of their own insecurities. In that case of people staring, my attitude is that they are the weird ones and they were probably going to stare regardless of if I was wearing a bra or not so I just stopped caring. I also resorted to doing the Billie Eilish when I was younger, but that was mainly because my mom would freak out over anything remotely form fitting. The whole thing about curvier women being promiscuous is rooted in classism and purity culture. It's a mess. The whole expectation of how to do your hair to appear professional is bs. It's pretty clearly rooted in racism smh. But I get why some people would just opt to chemically straighten their hair once and be done with it instead of doing their hair on a daily/ weekly basis. Wearing natural hair can in some cases be more expensive and high maintenance because of the products you need to keep it moisturized and to make it look presentable. But that should be up to your personal choice not up to how you want to be perceived by others.
  5. I watched these two videos and even though I don't remember the 90s it struck an emotional chord and resonated with me for some reason. I just want to know what yall's thoughts are, what yall remember from back then, and if these two videos analyze that time well.
  6. I think about that too. But there is a part of me that tries to be skeptical when it comes to nostalgia. I wonder if the 90s were really all that or if it was just a time when the world wasn't crashing down. In the first video by innuendo studios, the quote that hits me hard is something along the lines of things are terrible now to where we miss the time when they were simply bad.
  7. @modmythYeah shopping for clothes with a larger chest can be difficult. One relief about college is that I didn't have to think about that as much because I don't have to deal with dress codes and I moved into my dorm so I didn't have to deal with my mom getting on to me for what I was wearing. Even though I did loosen up a little, I'm still in the habit of dressing conservatively because of that. For a few years I thought it was normal to put this much thought into shopping until I went shopping with a couple friends a year ago or so and then part of me was like *oh, so most people don't think about how things fit that much* Shopping for bras is annoying as hell. It's difficult to find my size and when I do it's expensive. I remember back in 2018 I had to buy a bra because I went up a size, I saw the price tag and then I was like *that's it I'm wearing pasties, I'm just going to slap them on and call it a day.* With the exception of certain clothes, I just don't wear a bra because I really don't care anymore And when it comes to family, I cared so much more when I was younger. Now when it comes to comments, it doesn't feel hurtful but it more so feel awkward and disrespectful. I'm pretty sure when I move back to my dorm in college, my mom's opinions will fade even more because I'm not going to hear them everyday. As for hair, I didn't see that many people flat iron their hair like that. But I do remember there were a lot of girls who would get relaxers to permanently straighten their hair when I was in elementary-middle school because I was in a predominantly black area. Then once I got to high school, everyone started getting into wearing their hair natural and doing the big chop so that they won't ever have to get a relaxer to fry their hair again. A lot of it had to do with rejecting Eurocentric beauty standards. Even though I don't have coily curly hair, I remember that at this time after talking to some people I realized that I have curly/wavy hair and that I shouldn't brush it out because that will ruin the pattern and make it look like a frizzy mess which was one of the big reasons why I reached for the flat iron in the first place. I still flat iron my hair every now and then but it's mainly because I'm too lazy to deal with taking care of my hair.
  8. Media Consumption Analysis Part 2: My Lana Del Rey Phase I find myself really drawn to Lana Del Rey's music since about fall 2019. I always thought her music was beautiful but I didn't look too deeply into it. One of the reasons why I find myself drawn to her is summarized by this one tweet I found a long ass time ago on brown twitter which was along the lines of "Lana Del Rey makes me feel like the reckless, rebellious white girl with a trust fund that I never was." I can't really relate to her music which is why I like it strangely enough. It's like I'm embracing this part of myself that I don't get the opportunity to otherwise. I wrote out a whole entry for this last night but I decided against posting it. I'm going to keep it private because I'm not ready to expose myself lol. Basically long story short, LDR helps me have an outlet for some of the trauma and issues I currently have and gives me an outlet to explore my unhealthy desires and impulsivity without actually going out there and doing something stupid.
  9. Wisdom I really liked this video. I watched it 3 times and I took brief notes so that I could contemplate afterwards. I wrote little side notes on where I feel like I can improve the most. Wisdom is: Good judgment / keen perception Solid values/ good priorities Deliberate and thoughtful Contemplation/ reflection/ existentially oriented Care about knowing themselves Care about self deception Openminded Know that you don’t know Experienced: I need to get out more tbh. I feel like lack experience tbh. Holistic/ big picture Valuing truth Non-judgemental: This is something that I really try to be mindful of. I think the biggest thing I judge people on is competence. As a result, I hold myself to a high standard to where I have trouble forgiving myself, being gentle with myself, and I get myself into perfectionistic spirals. Knows life is counterintuitive Long term thinking Patience Independence of thought Nuanced Learn from mistakes Flexible- can change mind Tolerate paradox Objective, neutral, and unbiased Principled but not dogmatic Takes responsibility Doesn’t avoid emotional labor: I feel like I can improve on my avoidance tendencies and my avoidance of responsibility. I tend to mesh blame and responsibility together and that isn't healthy. Able to abstain from cravings Has self discipline: ooooff..... I'm getting better but there is a lot of improvement that I could make. Values education Learns from other people’s mistake Balanced and moderation Avoids false equivalence Mature High emotional intelligence Can admit when they don’t know Can forgive and let go: I mainly struggle with self forgiveness. I don't really hold grudges with other people. Careful when giving advice Values solitude Compassionate and selfless Foolishness is: Bad judgement and poor discernment: I did have a huge slip in judgement recently and I have learned a lot from that. Stays in a toxic relationship Poor sense of priorities Loses big picture- petty Ignorant and proud of it Lacks discipline: talked about this earlier Can’t admit mistake Underestimates problems of life Anti-intellectual doesn’t care about education Doesn’t self reflect Too busy to contemplate Wants to just get the answers and get shortcuts: YIKES!!! I say that because I know that I often feel like I see actualized.org videos as cheat codes to life in a sense. Doesn’t see value in truth Sees truth as what serves you: YIKES!!!! I came to the realization of this when I was watching the video on the limitations of science. I think I tend to absorb certain pieces of information and certain types of self help because that's what helps me in my particular situation. I do have a bias in terms of what I find myself drawn towards. Confuses biases for truth Not concerned with existential questions: I'm not super concerned with existential questions at the moment because I feel like I need to have the foundational stuff down first. Oblivious of self deception Gullible and easily manipulated Inexperienced Wants to stay foolish Dismisses wisdom Tries to get into mudslinging competitions Closedminded Judgmental Rash impatient and reactive Cant plan ahead Egotistical and selfish Mob mentality Blind followers Dogmatic Can’t control cravings want quick fixes: I fall into this trap mainly when it comes to diet and exercise. I have really been confronting this recently. chases money, sex, pleasure, and fun avoids responsibility: talked about this already takes reality for granted expects things to be easy lacks balance and moderation can’t apologize, focus, or admit when they don’t know doesn’t invest in self avoids emotional labor: talked about this already holds grudges engage in gossip and speculation dogmatic advice (doesn’t understand relativity of advice)
  10. Media Consumption Analysis Part 1: Being a Material Girl I'm going to have a little series of the types of media that I'm encountering, the types of media I find myself drawn to and the types of media that basically shaped me in a way. Recently, I have found myself drawn to and resonating with these two songs. I decided to think about that mainly because it felt rather out of character for me. I started to contemplate my desires. I have talked about what kind of experiences I desire regarding travelling and exploring and I have touched on my desire for a short term relationship. I then tried to think about my materialistic desires. Honestly it's a relatively short list: Be financially secure and not worry about money: I want that feeling of abundance, agency, and peace of mind in my life. To me, that means being financially free from my parents, not worrying about paying rent/ bills and living with a ton of roommates, feeling like I can splurge and treat myself if I want to (not so much doing that but having the option to do so), and having a good amount of savings for emergencies because again, peace of mind. Treat myself to something nice every now and then: I want to get that one robe on my amazon wish list that costs like a $100. I guess I could get it now but I'm cheap tbh. It's been on that wish list for like 3 years now lol. I want it, but I cringe at the price. Buying a laptop because my last one broke. The one I want right now is like $400 but I'm waiting for it to go on sale. I can see myself buying a laptop like once every 5-8 years. I also want to get a couple nice candles from Bath and Body Works because candles that smell nice make me happy. I want to get some new clothes because I haven't bought anything in a couple years. Nothing too expensive but nothing that will disintegrated after one wash. Get a nice perfume about once a year or so. Those are I think some of the things I want to splurge on at the moment. I mainly just get the urge to buy myself something other than the necessities less than a handful of times a year. Big ticket items Travel: see last post A vintage Volkswagen Beetle: It's a car that I liked as a kid. This isn't a necessity. I'm perfectly happy with the car i have at the moment. But I guess if I had all the money and didn't have to worry about it I would consider it but I wouldn't buy it right away because I like to think things out. It also depends on where I live. If I live in the middle of a large city then no but if I live in an area that requires me to have a car then maybe. COLLEGE TUITION: Luckily, I am getting financial aid and I have a scholarship. I'm super lucky to have my parents also help out with this as well. I'm nervous about grad school and I hope to god that I get my masters paid for by a job that I get after college. Then, I can have some peace of mind A dog: Not necessary but I wanted one ever since I was a kid. Again, depends on my life style. If for example I have to clock in long hours at work, I wouldn't want a dog because the poor thing would be stuck at home and lonely for long periods of time and my heart won't let me do that. Sometimes I think what I'm asking for as being rather extravagant. Idk, maybe it's because I lean towards being cheap. My dad thinks it's weird mainly because he loves spending money. I remember one time I charged like $15 on my credit card to get something and my dad thought it was suspicious activity because normally when I buy things, it's usually single digit food related purchases. I also never saw the appeal of really expensive things like designer clothes. sports car etc for me personally. They just seem extra and bougie. I guess if it came down to what I REALLY wanted, it would boil down to financial security and grad school tuition, The rest is just extra tbh. Again, I think my materialistic desires boil down to wanting a feeling of abundance, agency, and peace of mind. Another reason why I find myself being drawn to these songs and really party music in general is because there is a part of me that just wants to shut off my brain and take a break from contemplating, actualizing, and working through trauma. There is also the whole thing with the world being a huge dumpster fire. I don't watch the news anymore but I still make sure to stay in the loop about things so I'm not totally uninformed. I think there is an element of escapism and desire to go into this frivolous, carefree mindset. There is this trend of bimbofication that is on the rise on tiktok. I noticed this trend keep popping up and I found it rather interesting. This video breaks it down pretty well and was pretty insightful. To summarize it's mainly a bunch of women who want to reclaim their femininity and own their more feminine interests without having people bring them down. The modern bimbo is also characterized as a radical feminist and lefist which I find as an interesting take on the trope. She is there for the girls, the gays, and the theys and she expresses her disdain by capitalism by taking money from rich men. She is also pro sex work and doesn't slut shame other women. Her stupidity is often played out in a satirical sense but there is an emphasis on emotional intelligence over IQ. I think this can best be seen in the himbo trope. A himbo refers to a guy bimbo and is characterized by a guy who has no fucking clue what's happening. He is an idiot but he drinks enough respect women juice to not treat people like trash. He has emotional intelligence and is a well meaning guy. He is mainly harmless because he is too stupid to play mind games and manipulate people in the first place. Basically he can be summarized by this: While I don't find myself acting on this trend, there are a few things that resonate with me mainly things pertaining to the values the modern bimbo holds that I talked about above which includes inclusivity, reclaiming femininity, and being a leftist. What really struck a chord with me was that in the previous analysis vide touches on the desire to wanting to shut off your brain for a little bit mainly because of the exhaustion from absorbing information constantly. I tend to over think and over analyze and that has helped me a lot throughout the years. I like looking into things that are informationally dense. This is habit of researching the shit out of something is also a coping mechanism. To know what's going on gives me a sense of control in uncertain times. It eases the frustration and alleviates the confusion. At the same time, it also leads to anxiety and perfectionism. I'm starting to see the limitations of this more and more. I have talked about this in a previous post on this journal. I remember reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and he explained on how happiness isn't found in the mind rather it is found in being present, especially in meditation. For me, I find that meditation opens the gate way to contemplate and that's great, but it currently isn't what I need. Don't get me wrong it helps but I don't think it's the whole solution for me personally. I need to turn off my brain at times and to do that, I think I need to take more of a break from actualizing and just go out and have some fun and do something that doesn't require a shit ton of thinking (within reason of course).
  11. Yes I relate to this so much. I got the message early on that I can't dress in some ways that my friends were because it would look too provocative based on the stares I got. I remember being young and impressionable then because I thought there was something wrong with me because certain clothes look totally different when I wear them versus when someone skinner would wear them. I was basically in this mentality that I needed to fit into clothes instead of finding clothes that fit me. And that mentality took a couple years to break free from. Even now, shopping feels more like a chore because what something looks like on a model or on the hanger might look completely different on me so as a result there is this whole trial and error process (and it doesn't help how women's sizes are literally all over the place). And yeah that is the version of Hayley Williams I wanted to be in terms of style. Especially when it came to hair because i didn't know that I had curly/wavy hair and as a result I did a shit job in taking care of it. I flat ironed my hair so often back then that I got a lot of heat damage. Also I would cut my hair super short because I didn't know what to do with my hair and because I was going through that whole "I'm not like other girls" phase. I cringe now because of the amount of internalized misogyny I had but I remember that being a very prevalent trope back then. I'm pretty sure it's still there now but I'm not super up to date on things but I feel like there are more people calling out that trope and making fun of it.
  12. It can be a nice hobby to have and can put you in a flow state. I'm sure you can also incorporate a strategic/creative element into it like with any skill. It's also a good way to stay active. If it makes you happy, go for it. Why you're drawn to something is more important than what you're drawn to imo. Personally, that was my experience with sports growing up. But even if I liked it, I never caught myself drawn to just watching sports. I can see the appeal but a lot of it does have tribalistic tendencies wrapped up in it. Sometimes I watch sports with family just to spend time with them and I can appreciate the skill that the players are displaying and the mastery but when it comes to supporting a certain team over another usually on a country basis like when you're watching soccer/football, I just don't care that much and don't get emotionally worked up about it. I think it is this aspect Leo was talking about in his video on wisdom.
  13. Party Phase but make it Cultured Some places I want to go to and some things I want to do: Spain: This place is interesting to me from an art and architecture point of view because of the European and Islamic influences. Also the food seems amazing. Mediterranean style food is my shit. I want to mainly go to a bunch of museums and historical places and also take part in La Tomatina which is this annual tomato fight that takes place once a year in Valencian (eastern Spain). While I'm there I want to go to a nude beach. I always wanted to go to one of those because I think it would be an interesting experience. Even though there are nude beaches in the U.S., I want to go to Platja des Cavallet in Ibiza because not only is it a nude beach but they also have flamingos there. I watched Zindigi Na Milegi Dobara once like 10 years ago with my family. I barely remember the plot other than the fact that it was three friends going on a trip to Spain but the one thing I remember is the tomato fight scene. There is something about it that just seems so fun and I think 11 year old me took it an ran with it. Japan: Growing up I was a huge weeb. That aside I think why I really want to go there is because I was planning on going there before the pandemic happened and I have talked to people and watched a shit ton of videos of things I should check out there. Somethings I want to do there include going to a maid cafe, traveling in the high speed rail (and contemplate why we can't have nice things in the U.S. because of lobbying), go to Disney world in Tokyo (haven't been to Disney since I was 7), visit some historic places, go to a hot spring, see the cherry blossoms, go to a Japanese 7/11, AND EAT ALL OF THE FOOD. I also want to go to one of those tiny capsule hotels as well as a Japanese love hotel. Those seem interesting. Brazil: I really want to go to Brazil to embrace my party phase. I went to a couple of college parties and those just didn't do it for me. I suppose I could go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras since it isn't too far away but I want to go all out. I want to go to Rio for Carnival. I'm not a huge party person or a person who is big on loud music and costumes but that is exactly why I'm drawn to Carnival. To me, I can get outside of my comfort zone. Also, if I were to do psychedelics, I would want to do it with a shaman who is experienced with it and who really gets the spiritual aspect of it as opposed to finding a dealer in the states at some sketchy party. Speaking of shamans, I want to see the Amazon forest. I'm interested in the biodiversity there and things regarding sustainability. New Zealand: This isn't really a place I want to visit rather I want to live there. They just seem like they have their life together as far as sanity and quality of life goes. I'm impressed with the way Jacinda Ardern handled COVID. I'm really just impressed with her in general and I simp for her for her competence. My favorite thing about New Zealand is that nothing ever happens in New Zealand. When was the last time you saw some crazy shit happen there of have seen New Zealand act tf up in the global scale???? Never. Plus I heard it's easy to immigrate there if you are an American and you are under 30. When I'm upset I tend to imagine myself in New Zealand with good worker's rights and then going to the south island to an Alpaca farm for the weekend. Plus, I always wanted a spring birthday hahaha. https://www.instagram.com/p/CCPJnvGJ_IQ/?igshid=200fpfefpsu1 This video of alpacas in the sunset sparks a lot of joy. I want to be this calm and at peace with my life one day. Antarctica: Penguins and cold weather make me happy. That's it really lol. Scandanavia: I want to go here twice. Once to see the midnight sun in the summer when it's day time for 24 hours and another time to see the northern lights. Other things I want to do that doesn't pertain to any particular place: Somewhere I can go dune surfing (basically when you surf on sand dunes). That seems exciting. Sky diving and bungie jumping: I love heights Ziplining: I have done this before and had a lot of fun but I want to do it in a larger scale. Go to a huge Holi festival: There is a temple near me that does Holi really well but I want to go somewhere where there is a lot of people there to celebrate. The more the merrier imo A music festival and/or Burning Man Cage diving with sharks: I went snorkling once and I want to do that with more risks lol
  14. @modmyth OMFG Lights just unlocked a series of memories for me. I had a phase where I was really into her music and her style from like 2011 to 2014. I remember it was just me and my friend who got me into her but I don't remember her being huge. I remember her being Canadian and I'm guessing she was bigger there than in the U.S. Or maybe it was just where I was going to school idk. But yeah I strived for that aesthetic in my early teens. It was that and Hayley William's style in like 2010. Also when I think of 2008-2012, I immediately think of Jersey shore and edm party music. When it comes to fashion, I think of bump its. I think they were just there for a couple years but for some reason I remember them so clearly lol.
  15. I can see some women lean that way especially if they are really stage green since by the nature of the stage is to be in touch with your emotions and care about the people around you. While that seems feminine and get associated with women, to me, it's like you can label it as feminine but it's a very human quality. Same thing with being assertive and being forward moving. It carries the label of being masculine, but it isn't necessarily a man thing if that makes sense. I think a lot of women who are green can also see embracing their femininity as a form of empowerment because since we were women we are told that being seen as feminine makes you weak. Why else can women wear pants and have that be fine but all hell breaks loose when a man decides to wear a dress? It's because men who wear things associated with femininity is seen as shameful. I guess the woman who you are talking to is very in touch with her femininity and that's her, I'm happy for her. But not all women are like that and that's ok. Personally if I had to put a number on it I'd say that I'm 60% masculine and 40% feminine. Naturally, I find myself drawn to men who compliment that mainly guys who have more femininity in them as opposed to masculinity. IMO masculinity and femininity do exist but they are also gender neutral. I think we really need to take down hierarchies to let what we feel authentically shine and let natural hierarchies come in. I wouldn't be surprised if there is a trend when it comes to masculinity/femininity and gender but to get an actual understanding, you need to peel back the artificial hierarchies and conditioning. Because social conditioning is a powerful thing and can be really subtle. This is a weird example but how often do you see men say the word cute when they aren't referring to women (like as in that's a cute shirt)? How often do you see men complimenting each other? How often do you see men who are comforted when they cry? How often do you see women who embrace their divine masculine at work only to be called a bitch behind her back? How often are women asked about marriages and kids even when they have said that they aren't interested in either? How often do you see a woman be angry and not be written off as hysterical? I could go on and on but my point is that in order to get a feel for what feels authentic to us, we have a lot of unlearning to do.
  16. I don't see how those two views need to be separate. To me, when I see feminists talk about things like toxic masculinity and not demonizing femininity for example, I see wanting to move from the unhealthy masculine to the divine masculine and acknowledging that femininity can be a positive thing (appreciate the divine feminine). Sure there are different terms and ways of communicating but it's moving towards the same direction, just a different flavor. Also, I think you can see masculinity and femininity as a gender neutral thing. We all have different levels of masculinity and femininity and we should be able to express that authentically instead of being forced to box ourselves into one or the other based on what is between our legs. Separating masculinity and femininity from a gender binary is important to be able to integrated both polarities instead of limiting ourselves based on what we are told to be by gender roles.
  17. I mean, I'm not surprised. Part of feminism is about not demonizing femininity and crediting the positive stereotypically feminine qualities (like empathy, compassion etc) as things that everyone should strive towards regardless of gender. I guess some stage orange people see the flattening of hierarchies of feminism and assume that means that women aren't going to be feminine and that they will be exactly like men. A stage orange view of feminism sees masculinity=femininity as those two being the same thing in terms of what they are while a stage green interpretation of masculinity= femininity is that the two are the same in terms of value but they can be different in terms of what they are (asymmetric but equal). The vast majority of feminists I have met see masculinity and femininity as equal in value and don't see anything wrong with masculine men or feminine women as long as it is expressed healthily and feels authentic to that person. There is this narrative that feminists are man hating and want women to be exactly like men. It dates back to the suffrage movement and it is to appeal to conservatives as "these feminists are trampling over our traditional values and want society to burn." It's nothing new. Also, I think embracing your divine masculine and feminine is about tapping into your natural levels of masculinity and femininity outside of gender roles. Some men are naturally more feminine than some women. Some women are naturally more masculine. And then there is everything in between and all of that is ok. Stage green is about tapping into your authenticity in regards to masculinity and femininity whereas stage blue will force you to conform to being hyper masculine or hyper feminine as the ideal even if it doesn't feel like you.
  18. OOoof I remember everyone had there butt crack out and had to pull up their pants constantly to avoid showing their underwear. I remember being 7 and thinking "eww" but also thinking it was normal and that this is how all jeans are. I don't remember the whole whale tail trend mainly because I was a child. I guess I mainly remember the cringe worthy, funnier trends because they create more of a reaction tbh. When I think of the early 2000s I think of rhinestones, chunky blonde highlights on black hair, frosty eyeshadow, thin eyebrows, and vests. The late 2000s and the early 2000s blend together to me. I was born in October 1999 so I was 4 in 2004 and 8 in 2008. But when it comes to like 2008-2012, I think of the trend of being emo and scene. I wanted to jump on that bandwagon but my mom didn't let me lol. While I really liked that style, I also thought it was the most because sometimes people would go the extremes. I also had a pair of baggy pants and I remember them being comfortable. It isn't really my thing but I can roll with it. When I think of less cringe worthy styles of the early 2000s, I think of Freaky Friday and Bratz. Freaky Friday was my shit back then so there might be some bias there lol. But with Bratz, I know that really became a trend I think last year where people would do the Bratz doll challenge. They basically did their hair, makeup and outfits to look like a bratz doll. It's been interesting to see people make a new version of early 2000s fashion with a 2020 spin.
  19. Life Is Easy Today I was talking about somethings with my therapist and I realized that I have this habit of overestimating my challenges and underestimating my ability to cope with challenges which then creates this gap where a bunch of doubt, anxiety, and feelings of unworthiness comes from. I filled out a bunch of applications for internships and I was surprised by how easy the process was. I thought "damn I must be doing something wrong because this wasn't too difficult." I think I have this attitude with a lot of things in my life and it causes me to overcompensate on whatever I'm doing and push myself way harder than necessary which then can spiral out of control and can lead to obsessive and perfectionistic behavior. I was raised by parents who doubted my abilities constantly. It was comical a lot of the time like how my dad once yelled at me and told me that I'm not capable of living on my own because I don't make the bed and I leave cups in my room. Like where is the correlation lol?!?!?! But as much as I can laugh at that, I still got the message that I'm incompetent so when I got to college and was able to function normally without any problems, I was genuinely shocked. Other times my parents would project their own incapability they experienced at my age onto me. My mom didn't get her drivers license until she was in her 30s (the place she's from didn't require her to have one). Because of that, she sees me driving at 17 and she gets really terrified even though I'm doing everything right. I'm 21, I had my license for 4 years and my mom is terrified of me going on the high way and thinks I'm too immature for that. That doesn't even make sense but ok. Also the fact that I'm a woman and that I have ADHD doesn't help because as a woman I look helpless, ditsy, and clueless and as someone with ADHD, I'm seen as irresponsible, unmindful, and all over the place. I don't think I'm any of those things but in the eyes of my parents, it adds up to incompetence. I started tearing up while talking about this. There is a huge part of me that bases my self worth on my competence I guess because I was never seen as capable growing up. My parents also raised me to believe that life is hard in every step of the way. I guess they said that so that I would accept that there are some things in life that are difficult and that I shouldn't shy away from it because it's just a fact of life. Key word: SOME. But no they said everything is hard. And when something appears easy, I end up over thinking because I feel like I'm missing something. Nothing is easy or what it seems. You're incompetent, that's why you can't see it. I think this then turns into a self fulfilling prophecy and basically the law of attraction. I think my addiction to self help is also related to this. I got into self help for a variety of reasons but one of the reasons is because I feel that I'm incompetent and that I need to study myself and the world to make the best decisions or else my life is going to be shit. I notice myself having this approach in dating and I'm sure it spills into other areas in my life but it's this attitude that life is a minefield of bad decisions so you need to be super careful with every step to avoid having something blow up in your face. I wish instead I got the message that I'm going to make mistakes and that it's ok if I do because I'm strong enough to get back up from it because I have the emotional coping strategies to learn from those mistakes. There are so many things that my parents made me feel was the end of the world when it wasn't. Sure, it wasn't smooth sailing, but that doesn't mean the trip was bad or that I'm a bad captain. Somethings I'm going to tell myself given my situation (basic takeaways): Life is easy. You are capable of going after what you want. You are much stronger than what you give yourself credit for. You are capable of overcoming all obstacles. You are capable of learning and bouncing back from mistakes. Life is easier than what you think. Life maybe complex, but it is also much simpler than we give credit. Ego sometimes complicates the simplicity of life and the challenges that come with it (especially true for situations involving self doubt).
  20. I guess it depends on what backgrounds those older adults are from . You could argue that financially speaking it was easier back then but I would definitely say that emotionally the 1950s/60s were a mess when it came to parenting regardless of what part of the world you were from. Social conditioning is a VERY powerful thing regardless of age. We are still a very survival based society and people need to figure out how to meet and exhaust their needs both on an individual and systemic level before going on to self actualize.
  21. Tumblr Thinspo Trauma from 2012 The last post made me think of other destructive trends I remember encountering as a child. After the early 2000s, I remember in the early 2010s that there were a lot of thinspo and fitspo related content. Thinspo is inspiration to get thin. Often times it would be a collection of extremely skinny girls and really restrictive diet tips. Fitspo is the same thing but it was more fitness and workout oriented but if I'm going to be honest, looking back, it was basically thinspo with abs and a sports bra. While there was less emphasis on dieting, there was a lot more on exercise. I fell into that whole rabbit hole when I was 12-14 years old. I remember waking up at 5 am in the morning before school, working out for an hour and then starting my day. Then after school I would work out for another hour (usually something light like walking and jogging on the tread mill). Meanwhile during school I would also have an hour long session of P.E. twice a week. So in a typical week I would have about 12 hours of exercise. And I remember that even back then, I still didn't have a flat stomach. It boggles my mind how fixated I was with all of this back then, how normal it seemed to me, how people congratulated me when really I was going through some real shit. I remember striving for hip bones, collar bones, being able to squeeze your entire waist with your hands, having a thigh gap and god knows what else. I hope to god none of those ever come back to fashion. Even after "thic" became a thing and suddenly everyone wants thick thighs and a huge ass, there is this part of me that still sees the thinspo ideals as something to aspire to. I have come a long way since then as far as accepting my body. There is a lot of things that I can look at now and really like about myself that I wasn't able to say back in 2013. I can now say that I love my arms and my legs for looking so strong. I love how my shoulders look so graceful in sleeveless shirts. I love how round my face looks to where I go as far as to accentuate the roundedness with the way I do my makeup and so on and so forth. But I will admit that I imprinted on those standards even though they have passed and that there is this little voice in my head that judges me whenever I try on clothes. That voice was a yell in my head and now it has quieted to a whisper. The situation improved, but it's still there. Shit like this makes me scared of the internet. I didn't think of this at the time but looking back now at 21, imagining my 13 year old baby faced self searching up this type of content is extremely worrying. And I know that this type of content still exists on the internet and on Tik Tok to reach a new generation of pre teens and teens who have body image issues. Like...I was a child back then. No child should have to deal with something like that. It really messes you up and you don't realize it or understand the seriousness of it at that age. I have older, boomer parents who barely knows anything about what is out there on the internet. It's to the point where they can be susceptible to conspiracy theories with a couple of wrong clicks (not only did I have to worry about myself growing up I had to be careful about my parents believing everything they see on the internet smh). I had to navigate this shit on my own. It could have been much worse. Thinspo is just a more politically correct version of pro ana or pro mia with better PR (Pro ana= pro anorexia pro mia= pro bulimia). I'm glad 14 year old me was some how smart enough to steer clear of the more extreme stuff. When I have kids, I'm going to make sure that I know what type of technology is available and how it works so that I know they aren't getting themselves into something dangerous. Both of these videos talk about pro ana/ pro mia. It is a more extreme version of thinsp but the posts that are discussed are things I remember encountering. The first video talks about the posts without showing them to avoid triggering people. The second video does show the posts so this is a warning to anyone that might be sensitive to this type of content.
  22. Because they are voted in by low consciousness people who live in a low consciousness society.
  23. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeFwp2XN/ These tik tok and the comments under it articulate my point of view from the previous post really well.
  24. Tik Tok Trends and the Trauma of Early 2000s Fashion Every now and then I go on Tik Tok because why tf not and I'm starting to notice a lot of people adopt the Y2K aesthetic. And surprisingly, a lot of people made it cute. I say suprisingly because I remember just how ugly the early 2000s were. I think this is a good example of how we look at the past with this nostalgic rose toned glasses and alter it to something that is more applicable today. Idealized images of 2005 made by 17 year olds who were small children back then aside (damn it feels so weird to say that a 17 year old was born in 2004, when I think of people born in 2004 I think of 5 year olds because my mind stopped processing time back in 2009), when I think of 2005 fashion I think of this: I remember back in 2008 I wore something like this and everyone thought I had drip lol. I thought it was cute, everyone around me thought it was cute. There were people wearing scarves as belts back then. It was wild I aint forget.That's why I'm always a little skeptical of trends because my immediate thought is my bad judgement and people egging me on back then because we didn't know better lmaooo. Fashion comes back every 20 years and I swear to god if this comes back, I'm roasting everyone. Even though I feel nostalgic about my childhood sometimes, I can't romantisize the early 2000s. To me, the early 2000s were a giant meme. Speaking of fashion coming back every 20 years, I'm going to have a field day in 2040 if face masks come back in style. 2020 is trauma if trauma was a year. Shits and giggles about the early 2000s aside, now I'm going to talk about actual trauma and the body image issues in the early 2000s. The low rise jeans Do I think low rise jeans are ugly? No. In fact I think on some people, mainly really skinny people, low rise jeans look better than high rise jeans. But for the vast majority of people, these jeans are a source of anxiety. I saw a bunch of people on tik tok freak out about it Hell I was internally freaking out about it too. Wear whatever you want idk but I swear if this becomes mainstream, anorexia and bulimia would become rampant. Because in order to "look right" in these jeans you have to have a flat stomach and abs and that isn't realistic for most people including myself. This straight up triggered memories. Nowadays, I still have body image issues because I don't have a flat stomach. I see myself as a bigger woman. There is a part of me that knows how irrational this is because I'm a US size 2. I don't say that I feel like a bigger woman because people would think I'm insane or attention seeking. I try not to complain about my body too much because you never know what people are dealing with and I don't want the people around me to feel self conscious. I thought I was being irrational and that this was all in my head until I saw people on tik tok talking about this and how back then anything over a US size 4 was considered fat and that you would be ridiculed. It is the reason why we have body positivity now and it has taken YEARS for women to recover from this era. Now I know where this irrational image of my body comes from. It was the damn low rise jeans smh. While I am still very uncomfortable with my stomach, I feel much more at ease in high rise jeans and the insecurities are I guess more in the back of my mind rather than the forefront. I remember before that became the norm, I was super self conscious of anything that was slightly tight or anything cropped. Now, that's basically all I wear and that's actually what looks best on me. To me, low rise jeans aren't necessarily the problem, it's the pressure to be skinny in them. A lot of my skinny size 0 friends would still have a muffin top in low rise jeans just because of skin in that area not, because of fat. I legit never want to hear the term muffin top again if low rise jeans come back in fashion. I remember feeling the need to diet since I was 9 all the way til I was 14 (2009-2014). It was the peak of my body image issues. I look back at pictures from that time and sure I was a squishy looking kid, but I was literally a child. Most children are squishy looking lol. But I remember always feeling like I was 500 lbs back then because of the way people made fun of me and because of what I was surrounded by at the time whether it be media or other people. I have this memory from elementary school (so like 2006-2011) where all my teachers would sit together at lunch and being the curious child I was, I remember over hearing on how every conversation revolved around dieting. There was one teacher in particular who was really skinny from the waist up but was thick from the waist down. She was so insecure of how pear shaped she was and how big her butt was and as a result dieted constantantly. At that time I thought that was reasonable because big butts weren't the goal back then and everyone wanted a nonexistent butt but now I look back and I think that damn, she would have killed it in 2017 because she is what the Kardashians wish they were. Body types shouldn't be considered trends. I don't care if the rest of the Y2K stuff comes back as long as we don't bring back the body shaming from that era.
  25. let me know if you want me to hide this if you don't like comments on your journal I just wanted to say that I relate to this so much. I swear, the more I grow up, the more I realize that the adults around me who raised me haven't. This is especially true as I grow through the spiral however thankfully, spiral dynamics does give me insight about why the adults around me are the way they are. That understanding alleviates the frustration I felt previously with how they haven't grown up. That's my experience at least.