soos_mite_ah

I mean that's true that men on here are more likely to be honest but I have also met plenty of normal guys and have been friends with guys who were honest about this type of thing and they aren't caught up in some type of ideology.

Tbh, I never got that vibe from Teal. I think it's necessary for a woman to not seek a man for containment physically. The way I saw it that that Teal tends to critique the whole "I have to do everything myself in order to be considered empowered" narrative. Because being super independent to the point where you can't ask people for help, you feel like you are alone fending for yourself, and you push people away isn't healthy. For women, there is a narrative that is pushed in society where she is expected to be a superwoman of sorts and who is able to do it all with no help from anyone, but that simply isn't realistic because it causes women to be exhausted and spread herself too thin (basically the stage orange narrative of what it means to be a strong woman and how it sometimes demonizes femininity by painting it as weak and can cause both men and women to be emotionally unavailable). Instead, it can be incredibly beneficial for a partner to step in and take care of some of that responsibility so that women can relax a little. And there is no shame in that so long as it doesn't devolve into codependency. I agree with this. I think Teal was addressing masculine containment here because socially there has always been the expectation for women to be kind and nurturing in a relationship whereas for men there is this expectation to be stoic and standoffish because they aren't socialized to be connection oriented the way women are. Also there is a lot of men who get babied by their moms and expect their future girlfriends to be a care giver of sorts once those men move out. It's kind of like saying, "hey men still have responsibility here, the woman shouldn't do ALL of the work whether that be emotionally or otherwise."

I feel that the dating section brings out the worst in a lot of people. And a lot of the more conscious people try to avoid this section because of that and instead rather focus on their development. Personally, I try to avoid this section and mind my own business in my journal. But I still get tempted. It's something I'm working on because a lot of what's being said in this section isn't affecting me in a healthy way. I agree with you and @Preety_India on this. I get that sometimes Leo tries to say things like "it's all survival" as a way to direct both parties to a more meta perspective, but imo, there is a time and place for that because then some people take that and further entrench themselves in their ideology. I've seen another thread that went in this direction and I get that all of his teachings can't be idiot proof and it's up to us to not misconstrue the teachings but at the same time he needs to meet people where they're at and direct them towards the next step, not skip a bunch of steps. It's like teaching a second grader calculus and expecting that kid to not get even more confused. Totally agree. A lot of this theorizing also leads to a form of victim mentality like "oh I guess I'm too much of a nice guy" or "I guess my jaw isn't square enough and I'm too short." Those are actual insecurities don't get me wrong but dealing with them by manipulating people instead of addressing their issues with self love leads to disaster. Granted I haven't had much of a social life from like 2018 to now (so like 3.5 years) for various reasons from me working on myself to getting trapped in the house with my parents because of a pandemic, but my view didn't get nearly as distorted. I don't know how much more of your life you would have to spend under a rock to end up with this kind of thinking. Yeah that makes sense. Sometimes I want to avoid this section entirely but at the same time I do have a motivation to correct misconceptions as well because of the implications they can have. Women are visual and we care about looks as much as men do but the thing is that we don't write off a man's entire value based on looks and dehumanize them in that way. Also with Bieber, a lot of people recently (like in the past couple years) have been becoming less attracted to him because he devolved in the way he carries himself (probably the drugs tbh). I remember one time I got on twitter and people were dragging him and saying that he was cute before and now he looks like the creepy guy you see in a trailer park. 2017 vs 2020 That makes sense. I caught myself falling into the same trap. Guess it manifests differently in different people and can come out in more blatant ways. I relate to this. I personally have a type that a lot of women/ society would consider ugly and I catch myself wanting to justify it even though my friends don't really care. It's a bad feeling when you show your friends a picture of a guy you like and they just reply with "well..... as long as you're happy I guess" and then you're tempted to be like "ok that's just a bad picture of him, I promise he looks better in person." lmao. I think when you're young, man or woman, you're fed with a certain ideal of attractiveness because you have limited exposure but as you get older and see what kind of guys are out there, you own personal palette starts forming. That's not to say attraction isn't still affected by society's ideals but it's like you develop your individual tastes as well. That's why imo a lot of incelly guys tend to focus on whether a girl is a ten by like modeling standards instead of trying to figure out what they like, having a broad diverse view of beauty, and gain appreciation for something outside of society's ideal. It's due to their own lack of exposure.

Sometimes I feel shame around waiting or that I'm asking for too much to take it slow physically, as if it makes me naive and childish to wait. I have reasons why I want to wait that are completely secular and that have to do with my physical and emotional needs. I know that I should honor those needs and that my boundaries are supposed to keep me safe inside rather than impress people on the outside. But sometimes I have my insecurities creep up and I can't help but think that there is something wrong with me for not wanting to engage in casual sex (I don't think it's healthy for me personally but I don't judge people who do have sex casually) or that I drive people away because of this need. Also, as I get older, there is a part of me that feels like I'm weird because I decided to wait. This seems rather silly and I know that probably I know better but I also just want to express myself so that I can just get this off my chest.

The vast majority of his videos have nothing to do with relationships. There is a few videos that I can see are influenced by the pick up lens but that's like maybe 4 videos among the 400+ videos he made. On top of that, those videos are mostly anywhere from 4-7 years old.

You'd think that a forum that is based on consciousness and self development would attract more high quality guys who are interested in those things. Yet there are things on this forum that I have read that aren't things that I encounter guys irl preach. In some ways, it's like the average guy has more sense than the average guy on this forum. I sometimes wonder why there are so many insecure men on this forum? But at the same time you don't see as many insecure women. It's a genuine question I have from my observations.

It's a shame that women tend to be judged more on something as static as beauty. It literally doesn't have to be that way. That isn't inherent to how people are wired, it's how society is run and how people are socialized. Low value people buy into that socialization and call it biology to make it seem absolute. But truth is that a woman's looks doesn't determine her dating successes. Sure an attractive woman may get more approaches but what is a larger factor as to how successful that whole thing would be is how she carries herself regardless of looks. There are beautiful women who get treated like trash by low value men and average-below average looking girls who get success in dating. Because on some level, man or woman, we treat others how to treat us based on how we assert ourselves and advocate for ourselves especially in the long run. That's why developing into a high value woman and working on your character is important. Women aren't exempt from having to work on themselves nor is their value static unless the only reason a woman is valuable to you is based on how she looks.

It depends on what your body composition/ body fat percentage is. There are people who are considered overweight by the bmi standards but are muscular so it isnt an actual problem. There are also people who are considered skinny fat where they may look slim and might have an average bmi but they have high body fat because they dont eat healthy. Being skinny fat is worse for your health compared to being overweight because you're muscular.

@Etherial Cat Thank you. I think I needed someone to knock some sense into me lol. I think it will serve me better to be patient in the long run.

Are things like shame, guilt, fear, insecurity, doing various types of shadow work, dealing with limiting beliefs etc. things that you slowly chip away at over time as they bubble up or do you need dig through your psyche to deal with them all at once? Do you ever finish dealing with these things? Sometimes self development feels like peeling off layers of an endless onion.

Yes but society isn't a monolith. A lot of your views on society are influenced by who you're around and what kind of information you take in. That amount of personal control means that your view on society gets filtered through your own biases depending on what you choose to take in (which is also influenced by your development). There is a part of society that does put a large weight on more superficial things like looks, money, and status for both genders but that doesn't mean that you need to confine your views of how the each gender has it or how they function to that particular sect. It depends who you are around. If you surround yourself with people who don't value a person's soul, that's on you. But there isn't a shortage of women or men who are like that. You just need to know where to look. And that can be difficult for both genders, I've been there. But as a high value man or woman, you have to understand that a lot of people just aren't on your level and as a result you aren't going to attract everyone. That doesn't mean that you stoop down to their chimpery and accept that as truth. And if a woman falls for assholes easily, that's usually not the type of woman you want to be around (if you're a high value man that is, but if you're a low value man you might see that as way to manipulate those woman and see those low value men who pull cheap tricks as something to aspire to) because there will be a lot of insecurities that you will have to deal with so it's not up to you to appeal to women like that by stooping down. Build your confidence, have standards, have a life, that's all important not even in dating but for the quality of your life. But in doing so, you don't have to also engage in chasing status, money, looks etc. in the process and that goes for both genders. I mean you can if you want to if that's where you're at but again, society and the people in society aren't some monolith. Lets be real, there are PLEANTY of people on this forum that wouldn't consider things like inner beauty as high value on this forum. It all depends on where you look in society and what kind of people you're around. The perspective you're presenting is very relative to that. And I would examine your view that inner beauty and being high value doesn't get you rewards in society. It certainly does but that is dependent on what your view of rewards is.

I want to. But then again, I wonder if it's wise to run full steam ahead towards that goal, take my time with that goal, or do something in the middle where I work on myself a lot in certain bursts and then move into periods where let myself take a more relaxed approach. Letting go of my limiting beliefs, grief, insecurities etc. is the goal, but the question is how to get there. That makes sense. Thank you. So basically, take things slow to avoid backlashes and trauma to make the process more smooth. Have a slow, consistent form of momentum to create the self improvement discipline.

@Karmadhi So what you're saying is that to be high value as a man you need to work on your character while to be high value as a woman you need to work on your looks? Basically you're saying that men are valued for their souls while women are valued for their status as an object. Isn't your misogyny blinding smh. From my experience, as a woman you do need to work on your character to be high value. That means having standards, having ambitions, passions, hobbies, a personality, clear sense of purpose, a inclination towards developing as a person etc. Basically the same things men need to work on as well in order to be high value. The types of men you attract when you lead with these things tend to be VERY different than the types of men you attract with looks alone. I think in dating, you tend to attract people on your level and what you lead with. So if you are a man who bases his worth on status and money and therefore leads with that energy, he will attract women who are attracted to that energy and value those things. If you lead with superficiality, you will attract superficiality. If you are a man who leads with an authentic sense of ambition that isn't rooted in chimpery, you will attract women who are similar to that. From what I noticed with high value women is that even if they are just as beautiful as a low value woman (I'm talking about character here), the high value woman tends to have less options but has better options (quality over quantity) because a lot of men aren't willing to develop themselves to the level to reach her standards. There is an air of intimidation that comes with a high value woman without her even trying mainly because men aint shit. From personal experience, I've had guys ask me something simple as what I'm studying and when I answer they get all wide eyed and uncomfortable. I don't have a problem with dating a guy who isn't as high achieving as I am but when it comes to the point where his confidence falters and he is uncomfortable with what I'm doing, that tells me he is emotionally a weak man and I'm not interested in the type of guy who would be intimidated by me. That insecurity can breed a lot of dysfunction and resentment in a relationship and I simply don't have the time or energy for that. Low value women on the other hand tend to be very easy to manipulate because of many reasons: Having a lot of weak points in her psyche because she never worked on herself: That makes it easy for men to find her pressure points and press on them. If she's insecure about her looks for example, it could be as easy as you telling a woman she's beautiful and hyping her up a little to get her to do whatever you want (this can also be applied to men who are insecure about something for example their age or financial status, plenty of toxic women use those insecurities to get what they want out of men) Having very superficial standards: It's easy to buy a low value woman with gifts so you can get her to do whatever you want while a high value woman can only be bought with character. (Can also apply to men. There are guys who you can simply stroke their ego a little bit when it comes to what they do for work and they'll do anything you want) Having no standards: You can treat a low value woman like trash and still have her begging to be with you because her self esteem is that low (pick me energy). A high value woman will see the red flag, know her worth, and leave. (applies to men as well because pick me girls and nice guys are basically the same thing and reek the same insecure energy) Not having a solid foundation: A lack of ambitions, passions, and a clear sense of purpose can cause women to be ungrounded so she will be more willing to waste her time with another low value man who doesn't bring much to the table This ability to be easily manipulated by men attracts other low value men to her like flies to honey. A high value man wouldn't want a woman who hasn't worked on herself, who has superficial or no standards, and who doesn't have a purpose or ambitions because a high value man wants a woman for more than what she looks like. A high value man wants a solid addition to his life. A low value man wants arm candy. And the fact that you @Karmadhi have this perception that in order to be high value a woman needs to look good and that's it tells me that you aren't very high value. And if you think that being nice and caring doesn't make someone high value because you didn't get results by being nice and caring, you're probably not as nice or caring as you think you are or you have a very narrow sense of being nice and caring that usually involves bending over backwards for someone. Often times "nice guys" or "nice girls" don't have standards or a back bone which is why they get walked over, treated like trash, and don't have the confidence to attract people they are interested in. Not having standards or boundaries =/= being nice and caring.

So what I'm getting at is that it depends on what phase you are at you life whether you are in a place where you have A LOT of deep cleaning up to do in your psyche or you're at a place where you need to do maintenance to pick up after yourself and your life experiences. I guess deep cleaning is more of a phase so you don't end up digging up endless things or unnecessarily picking at wounds. Then you need to take on a higher perspective once you're done with dealing with things at a certain level of consciousness while also balancing other areas of life in order to explore the experience. Yeah I struggle with this too. I'm not the best at giving myself a break tbh.

@OceanRiver I'm trying to figure out whether or not what I'm trying to do is socially conditioned and I'm just deceiving myself into thinking those are my needs or if is actually authentic to me.

But I already know this. I'm not even attracted to bad boys or players because I saw through their games pretty early on. If anything, I'm repulsed by them. I'm all for having a "hoe phase" and exploring my sexuality, but I want to do that with someone that I care about and trust. It doesn't have to be a long term relationship, personally I want more of a committed fling/ short term committed relationship since I don't feel ready for a long term relationship but I still want to explore. The thing is that I want to explore with the right person. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok this is just me venting at this point but sometimes I wonder if all of my needs and desires, including wanting to be in a committed relationship before having sex, is some type of dumb survival game that I need to transcend and get over in order to mature and actualize. I know having my boundaries are important but I have this voice in my head that says "stop being selfish and closed off and go and do things out side of your comfort zone. It's all survival and all survival is selfish, evil, and false, get over yourself." I'm really hesitant to listen to this voice because it doesn't sound reasonable and could yield to negative consequences because it's pushing me to do things that I don't want to and I'm not ready for. I think I've been on here for too long and that I'm misconstruing teachings and internalizing them in an unhealthy way because I'm not ready for some teachings as far as my self development goes .

Yeah that is something that I try to be careful about lmao. Sure there are times that I catch myself getting impatient and I want to just get it over with but I try to recenter myself so that I don't impulsively do something I actually don't want to do and end up having a bunch of regrets. I mean, I want my first time to be nice lol and to me that means having some degree of commitment and emotional intimacy. To me that's a higher priority than acting on impulse. I don't think I would even enjoy it if I went on a whim and decided to have sex with anyone who was willing. There is that too. Sometimes I find myself getting tempted to lower my standards out of impatience. Deep down I want a guy who is pretty conscious but then my scarcity mindset kicks in and is like "you know, men are sexual and visual creatures and if you keep up what you're doing whether it's your standards and boundaries, you're just going to wind up alone because lets be real you're asking for a lot and that's a tall order to fill considering what's out there. Get over yourself and accept this truth about men. The only reason why you don't want to accept this harsh truth is because it doesn't serve your survival agenda." TBH I always knew this was the voice of insecurity and anxiety but after writing this out it becomes even more blatant. Part of me thinks that I've been on here too much so there is that...... On one hand, this method has caused me to be single for 21 years and thus resulted in a lot of pent up emotional thirstiness but on the other hand, it has caused me to avoid a lot of unnecessary risks, heart break, and messy situations because I have been sticking to my standards from the beginning and that peace of mind is priceless imo. I feel like BDSM is becoming more and more normalized due to the internet and porn to where it's almost seen as unusual if you don't like it at least a little rough. Vanilla shaming is becoming more and more common. The BDSM test online is basically and edgy personality test at this point lol. There is this video that I found that talks about this trend and analyzes it in more detail that is really interesting

The Happiness Spectrum: (Found these notes in the comment section and decided to copy and paste them onto this journal as well as including my own commentary in order to reflect. Those are in blue. My goals and future action item are in red.) There are two kinds of happiness: Hedonic (Bad) & Eudaimonic (Good) Hedonic happiness is the most common form of happiness, short-term pleasure, easy to obtain and not very fulfilling (thrill-seeking). Eudaimonic happiness is long-term gratification, difficult to obtain and very fulfilling (virtuosity). Average common happiness is hedonistic, little to no work involved. 5. There's no shortcut to Eudaimonic happiness. Any shortcut you find automatically leads to hedonism. The Happiness Spectrum: + Pure Hedonistic Happiness (avoid, very addictive, unreliable): I think these can be ok in moderation meaning it isn't an addiction, something your life revolves around, or something you are attached to. Drugs Food, partying & drinking (food is necessary, eat healthy) Beauty (too easy to obsess over and feel bad): I do have a hang up on the way I look and I'm working on accepting myself though there are times where I feel like plastic surgery would make me happier. Money, shopping (can only buy more of hedonic happiness): With money, my goal right now is to get on my feet and become financially independent. I wouldn't say that I'm chasing money or that my life revolves around it but I do see the importance of it. It's one of those needs that I need to meet. With shopping, I'm trying to get to a point where I'm comfortable with treating myself. It's more about self care and eliminating limiting beliefs around money rather than being a shopaholic. These things aren't addictions for me but they are things that need to be integrated into my life in a healthy way. Media & entertainment: TV, internet, social media, videogames (extreme time sink): I don't really use these much for entertainment but I use them for education mainly. Gossip, Idol socialization (look up Elanor Roosevelt quote about great minds) Pursuing fame, public image & "success" (equivalent to chasing money, validation) Validation from other people (relying on others for happiness): I am sometimes guilty of caring what other people think of me too much. Porn & sex (can be a problem if obsessed over): I want to explore my sexuality but it isn't really an obsession. Romantic infatuation (honeymoon period of relationship): I think this is one of those things I need to exhaust tbh. Goals from this section: Financial freedom feeling comfortable with treating myself get into a short term relationship to exhaust my need for one and also explore my sexuality in that relationship + Neutral Happiness (good): I'm going to bold things that I feel like I can increase more of both in this section and in the Eudaimonic Happiness section Hobbies (that lead to long-term improvements: musical instruments, sports, etc. NOT videogames, gossiping or bingewatching tv-series): A lot of my hobbies also check items on the Eudaimonic list Physical exercise (don't exercise just to obsess over beauty, weightlifting): I enjoy being active but I can do better especially after moving out of my parent's house so that it doesn't devolve into obsessing about beauty. Friendships & strong relationships (real, solid friends): I want to focus on this more. Companionate love (love in relationship after honeymoon period): I want this as well but I think I need to work on myself more and burn through some of my superficial desires before jumping in so that I have a clearer head. But this is a goal, not for now but in the future. Goals from this section: Socialize more to develop strong relationships Work out and be active Get into a long term relationship (later) + Pure Eudaimonic Happiness (awesome): Learning & education (savoring your education, student for life): As a student much of my time is dedicated to this. I hope that I can continue that even after college. Excellent flow & work states (do you value your work, does it produce "flow" for you?): I need to find my life purpose. I feel that I could grow exponentially when I find that one thing. Inner development (personal growth activities) (meditate!): Been having this as a priority for the last few years. It's been hard work but soooo worth it. Self-acceptance (accepting yourself exactly as you are): Been really focusing on this. Could do better tbh. Kindness (doing good things for other people, being kind to other people): Never had a problem with this growing up. Gratitude (be thankful for what you already have) (make it a ritual): I could probably benefit from a personal gratitude journal tbh. INTEGRITY (are you living up to your greatest values? are you doing the things that are meaningful to you in life? are you honoring commitments to others and yourself? how good are you at keeping your own commitments to yourself? do you set a goal for yourself and then quit? work on integrity): I have a huge need for integrity and when I don't get it I often feel like I'm about to implode lol. I always prioritized this and I never regretted this. CONTRIBUTION (what your work does for the betterment of humanity in the world. what kind of impact does your work have? is it contributing in a way that YOU believe is meaningful, not what other people believe is meaningful, but what you believe. you have to believe it. not just volunteering, but producing something that move people): Again, need to find my life purpose. >>BEING<< (existing, the best way to practice this is through meditation. it teaches you how to enjoy the moment of being. you should not need any stimulation, activities of any sort, not even of the Eudaimonic kind. if you're able to be present, in the moment, totally enjoying yourself, that's what ultimate peace of mind means) "The best moments of life are moments of being, not moments of doing.": I really enjoy meditating and contemplation but I think I should table working towards something like enlightenment later. I'm not even going to bold this because it isn't healthy for me to make it a priority now by skipping a bunch of steps. I already have a meditation habit and I think for now that is sufficient. Goals from this section Find my life purpose Work on self acceptance by working through insecurities and limiting beliefs. Create a gratitude journal Eudaimonic activities are a lot more difficult than Hedonic activities, definitely at first when transitioning. It will become easier after that. It's because you're still addicted to hedonism. It takes an acquired taste. Eudaimonia does not provide instant pleasure. It's difficult to quit instant pleasure. What it does provide is long-term, long-lasting gratification, which is ultimately better for your mind, body and spirit. And thus for your happiness. I don't think I have a problem with the hedonic part of the list but I need to burn through some of those so that I won't be distracted when I'm pursuing the neutral or eudaimonic forms of happiness.

I'd say so. But I think when it comes to my insecurities regarding my ambivalence around sex, it's more of how that ambivalence is interpreted and whether or not that is reasonable or makes me desirable in someone's eyes. I know it's rather superficial, silly, and not healthy to want to conform what feels authentic to get approval from others but I see this bubbling up and I wanted to discuss this and see what else I uncover. I really want to get into a relationship with someone and dating has been a mess when it comes to finding a person I'm compatible with to the point where sometimes I feel the temptation to change myself because I think that there is something wrong with me, my desires, my needs, and my standards. I know that's not something that I should do because my own sense of integrity and authenticity is important to me and so is my emotional health. It would be incredibly misleading to conform myself to something I'm not just to get with someone and that would lead to an even bigger mess.

I mean I was talking about having casual sex, one night stands, or friends with benefits when you aren't in a committed relationship, not being in a committed relationship and having sex with other people outside of that relationship.

Ok that makes sense. I have encountered this on an emotional level where I caught myself liking the idea of someone rather than the person themselves and then when you go on a couple dates with them, you are hit with the reality and realize that yall aren't compatible. Even if you think the person is perfectly fine, they might not be a good fit for you and that's ok. There isn't anything wrong with you or them. That's kind of why I tend to see sexual compatibility as a lower priority and more like a bonus rather than a necessity. Because after a while, the lust diminishes or you go through phases in a relationship where it's higher and lower. Then what are you left with? That's the attitude that I come at this from. And this might sound contradictory but I consider myself as someone who has a higher than average sex drive (based on talking with friends but I don't know how accurate that would be tbh). Even though I haven't had it yet, I have tried to explore what my fantasies are and what physically makes me feel good by myself. I know this about myself but to me it isn't so crucial to where I'd be uncomfortable with the idea of getting with someone with a lower sex drive if that makes sense. I guess for me personally I have more room for compromise and that's why it doesn't seem like as big of a deal. But there are a couple things here and there that I don't feel comfortable compromising on (like I don't feel comfortable with violent forms of bdsm, anything super extreme, or having sex without a build up of emotional intimacy). So I guess tastes come into play. But even then it goes back to the whole. thing with priorities. And that's the thing with priorities, sometimes I feel that as I get older, sex is starting to feel more of an expectation because of the peer pressure surrounding it. Then that feeling of obligation takes a lot of the passion away imo. Whenever I tell guys that I'm looking to wait I get one of the following reactions: Positive constructive: This guy respects my boundaries and sees me being a virgin as something neutral. He isn't shaming me or fetishizing me. Positive nonconstructive: This guy fetishizes my virginity and likes to have control over inexperienced women. He also slut shames other women with experience or feels intimidated by them. He may or may not be religious. Either way, he is creepy and cringey. Negative constructive: This guy respects my boundaries but sex and having an experienced partner is important to him for healthy reasons whether its because he is afraid of a power imbalance with being much more experienced compared to me, he wants to explore his sexuality with someone with more experience, or that sex is really important to him in a relationship. He and I are coming from different places and he respects that difference as well as his own desires/needs so he politely rejects me because we are looking for different things. He is pretty nonjudgmental. Negative nonconstructive: Sex is really important to this guy. There is nothing wrong with that but the problem comes when he doesn't respect my boundaries and is judgmental. He might shame me for being a virgin by calling me religious, prude, boring etc. He might pressure me or try to change my mind to sleep with him by pulling cheap tricks. Or he will be offended and tell me that I'm an ugly whore anyway. Basically he will exhibit a lot of creepy and cringey behavior. The constructive responses, whether they be positive or negative, don't really bother me. The nonconstructive responses make me uncomfortable, positive or negative. The negative nonconstructive responses consist of a large chunk of the responses I get and I guess thats where I get some of my shame and insecurity from regarding what I want in a relationship. I guess after a while, it feels really disheartening when someone's priorities are different from yours AND they shame you or make you feel like there is something wrong with you. The difference isn't what bothers me, we are all allowed to have different needs, priorities, desires etc. but it's about the shaming and getting defensive. I guess in order to find someone who is sexually compatible with me, I need to stick to my authentic boundaries of not wanting to have sex before really getting to know someone and being comfortable with discussing things before such things happen. The person I'm compatible with will respect my boundaries without it overstepping his boundaries.

This is likely my own lack of experience talking but I don't see the necessity of sexual compatibility to a healthy relationship. I get the need to have similar sex drives but other than that, I simply don't get it. Shouldn't it be enough to be communicative with what you want and need and be able to empathize and be openminded with the other person's desires? As a virgin, I don't really see the big deal with sex tbh. I'm aware that this is going to sound short sighted but sometimes sex seems like this superficial want rather than a need. I can get that sex is really important for some people, but I don't think that's a wide spread necessity if that makes sense. Also, how does the dynamic change after sex? I'm a little confused about that.

Turning Competence into an Identity Part (??): Mercy and Compassion After writing my post about my feral cat energy as well as the concerns I have with dating, I realized that I have a limiting belief when it comes to how I believe that people treat one another. I noticed that in interactions, I try to present the best possible version of myself because I can't see people empathizing with me or treating me with mercy. I have this cut throat attitude which leads to perfectionistic tendencies and this desire for competence as a protective mechanism. My limiting belief is that people are selfish and uncompassionate and that they won't show you any amount of empathy unless it serves their interests. This feels weird to articulate because I know that people are capable of behaviors like care and compassion along with other higher conscious behaviors but I guess this limiting belief is subconscious and implied because of ties a lot of other concerns I have together. I'm getting better with friends but I noticed that my reluctance to open up to them has to do with me not wanting to seem toxic for expressing negative emotions even when done in a healthy manner. I don't want to seem like I'm playing the victim when I let someone see my vulnerabilities. I'm also hyper aware about any amount of social awkwardness and I tend to be pretty harsh with myself around that and that causes me to resort to get addicted to fixing things instead of just accepting my quirks. I have somethings that I think would be beneficial to work on like my tendency to overshare (particularly in journal entries), my chaotic sense of humor, or how some times I run out of things to say. Since I'm taking a break from "fixing things" and focusing on acceptance, accepting those things have been difficult because I have this impulse to just jump in and deal with these issues. But right now I'm just letting myself be and I believe that has been really beneficial. I don't expect any amount of mercy from people I work with whether it is students and teachers or possibly an employer. I found it baffling when some of my friends who are open about mental health in the beginning of the semester was able to just meet with the professor and simply explain what's going on with their mental health and how it might impact with their performance. I have read articles and have heard from professors that they would like us to be open about these types of things but I'm always afraid of looking incompetent, lazy, and stupid for expressing such things. I think a lot of this has to do with the internalization of the stigma against mental health. On top of that, I am nervous about sending in my resume to any potential employers because I do have a year long gap that I took to take care of myself. Again, it has to do with the stigma but I just can't see people trying to understand where I'm coming from (even if it's valid) because of how competitive things are. Any sign of neurosis is a red flag for employers and it's in their interests to be cut throat. And finally, I don't expect mercy and compassion from men. I have explained a lot of that in my post about having feral cat energy. One of my biggest fears is being in a toxic relationship whether that be with a man, a friend, or an employer. And my desire to present this competent image is to ensure that people won't take advantage of me. Because I don't expect mercy and compassion from other people, I don't show mercy and compassion to myself which then leads to perfectionistic tendencies.