soos_mite_ah

This video came in just in time and I believe it articulates what I was trying to say in my previous post much better.

The Type of Masculine Energy I Want in my Life I want a man who is going to be masculine, assertive, and dominant I guess but will express those things in a very gentle way. I crave gentleness in my life and I feel that in order for me personally to be in my feminine energy that I need a man who will be gentle with me so that I feel safe enough to be vulnerable. I feel like I'm embodying my masculine energy most of the time in my life other than when it comes to my appearance. I'm also very comfortable with that. But when I think of a relationship, I think of it as the one place where I can embrace my feminine energy the most. I want to build this sense of emotional intimacy with someone so that I can be emotional and vulnerable around him. Another factor that is important in me feeling safe enough to feel like I can be vulnerable is competence. I tend to come off as a very competent person (to what extent this is healthy is something that I'm working through and I'm probably going to do a post on that) and I need a man who will be more competent than me so that I feel like I can rely on him, not in a dependence way but in a way where I have faith that he can take care of business when I'm in my moment of vulnerability. Because a lot of the time due to me encountering dumb men, I find myself in this energy And honestly, I'm tired of doing everything by myself. I'm tired of being the one who always has to have her life together because the people around me can't get their shit together. Growing up my parents were incompetent. I often found myself in the position where I had to teach them how to act instead of it being the other way around. I went to schools that were underfunded with teachers who had no idea how to help me reach my goals so I had to figure that out on my own. In therapy, I'm really good at psychoanalyzing myself, figuring out what's wrong with me, and coming up with a plan to cope. One time I had a therapist tell me that she lowkey enjoys sessions with me because I essentially solve my own problems and come up with good insights and she just has to intervene every now and then because of a few blind spots I have. Even recently with my issues with PCOS, I had to make 8 different doctors appointments because there were a bunch of formalities that they have to go through in order to prescribe me birth control. It was a whole thing that dragged on for like 2 months and in the mean time while they were dealing with whatever they were dealing with, I managed to fix most of my symptoms by trying out different things with my diet. Finally, I haven't had a solid group of friends I talk to on a regular basis so all of the work I have been doing on myself in therapy, I've been going at it alone with little emotional support. I had to be emotionally there for myself the whole time and there wasn't people that I could really find myself leaning on. It has gotten worse after I had to move back in with my emotionally unavailable family and the isolation I have experienced in the last year. Speaking of making friends, I think it is more important to find a solid group of friends before jumping into a relationship. I don't want to fall into a codependent dynamic. As empowering this sense of independence and resilience is, it is also exhausting. It feels like nothing would get done unless I do it myself. And sometimes I want to take a break by curling up next to a guy who knows just as much or more than me. I want to submit to this soft and emotional side of myself because it's a side that I don't get to express very often. I want to be emotional without being dismissed as being crazy. I want to be emotional without feeling like I need to be fixed or that there is something wrong with me. I want to be vulnerable without fearing that someone would take advantage of that and see that as an opportunity to be controlling. I want to feel like I can be safe in a relationship psychologically without needing to be this perfect person with no vulnerabilities and dysfunctions. I don't want to constantly work on myself and feel like in order to be in a healthy relationship that I have to have my life 100% together.

Diet and Body Image I want my kid to feel comfortable with their body and be able to care for it effectively. I want them to learn how to listen to the cues their body is telling them in order to understand what types of foods make them physically and emotionally feel good. I want them to know that weight does not tell the whole story behind someone's health and I want them to know that healthy habits are much more important than how you look or what a number on a scale says. I'm still going to make sure that I have fresh food in the house and won't have things like processed foods or soda for example. Another thing that I think is important is when the kid is old enough that the kid has to help out with making food. Not only is it faster but it teaches the kid an important life skill and you get to spend time with the kid. I won't be body shaming myself or them. I don't want to model an unhealthy relationship to my body and have them pick that up. My mom was extremely critical about her appearance and often projected those insecurities on to me to the point where I developed a dysfunctional relationship with food and my body. I don't want that for my kid. I also won't critique or praise other people's bodies because I want my kid to know that this isn't the most important thing that people are going to judge you on and therefore you shouldn't base your self worth on that. I want to teach my kid to honor their body regardless of what the beauty standard is at the time whether my kid is skinny, chubby, muscular, short, or tall. I want them to learn how to embrace their body shape and their individuality with whatever clothes they wear because I want to cultivate the idea of buying clothes that fit you instead of changing your body to fit into clothes or trends. I also want them to be informed about the media and different trends because I don't want them to fall into the trap of comparing themselves to images that aren't even real.

Conscious Parenting I find myself often thinking what I would differently as a parent compared to how I was raised. As someone who is 21 right now, I feel like I'm at the prime age where I see exactly how people's parent's messed them up as far as my peer group goes. Because prior to being 18 you're still under your parent's control and therefore you don't let your neurosis run free but after you reach your mid 20s or so you either already worked through those issues or you descended deeper into trauma and accumulated more baggage to where whether something is due to your upbringing or your own bad decisions gets muddied. I'm probably going to write a little each day or every other day about my views of how to most consciously raise a kid. I will admit I don't know. I'm only 21 and I have a limited sense of life experiences so there is only so much I can say. These are just my views at the moment. I don't intend on having kids for at least a decade. I want to write this down so that I can reflect on this in the future and therefore not lose sight of what it's like being a kid. I'm not a kid anymore but it's still fresh in my memory. I grew up with parents who had me pretty late and even though they had a lot of time to grow and gain life experiences, it's like they couldn't always relate to me because their memories of their experiences at my age are so hazy. But considering I am young and I still have a lot of learning to do, if anyone wants to contribute, correct, or expand on what I'm saying as with all my journals you are free to do so. Comments are welcome and encouraged.

I agree with everything @Emerald said My only differentiation is for muscles. I feel that muscles on the upper body is more biologically masculine while muscles on the lower body is more biologically feminine. And for things that are culturally masculine or feminine, those often change between time periods and from culture to culture. For the longest time, pink was considered a boys color and all babies wore dresses regardless of gender because of convenience.

I feel like for cognitive values I'm yellow. I feel that I understand yellow values and cognition pretty well. Emotionally I'm green/yellow: I can pretty hard to trigger but sometimes when I feel depressed or I'm in an ego backlash state, I slip back to green. Interpersonally, I'm not sure. My friends are orange/green but I don't fully resonate with them. I hang around people in a variety of positions on the spiral and I have no problem adjusting myself accordingly while still being true to my principles so I guess I'm yellow (spiral wizardry). Career/livelihood: Probably orange/green that's where I see myself starting off. Ideally, I would want to be in a green/yellow career. Health/ nutrition: yellow/green. I try to take a holistic view on nutrition as it can be a complex topic with a lot of moving variables. I also try to incorporate intuitive eating and take body positivity into consideration. I have a whole journal dedicated to that. What I'm studying in college: Green/ yellow with healthy orange. Currently double majoring in management (orange/green) and international relations (green/yellow) with a minor in human rights (green with a little yellow) Psycho-sexual: Not sure but I'm guessing green. I feel that emotional connection and intimacy is a huge component for me however I'm not dogmatic about sex. But then again I have no idea what yellow sexuality would look like lol. Kinesthetic: absolutely no idea what that means and how it relates to the spiral. Overall, mainly yellow but with some green I'm still working through.

Media Consumption Analysis Part 6: Music Apart from Lana Del Rey, I would say that I listen to a lot of South Asian American artists, some early 2010's club music, and Bollywood music. I would say that my music taste is entirely determined by my mood. That's how I organize my Spotify playlists lol. I'm having a phase with Indian Indie music. It's just so calming and uplifting IMO and that coincides with where I was at with my life recently. My favorites include Parekh and Singh, When Chai Met Toast, The Local Train, and Prateek Kuhad. I had an indie/ emo phase as a teenager and this feels like a more cheerful continuation of that. Also even though Bollywood is a thing, I never felt like it resonated with me as much because I don't understand Hindi. In addition to that I feel like Bollywood music is mostly party music (at least the popular stuff) and that isn't always a mood. Like I don't want to always listen to party music when I'm doing chores and winding down on a Sunday afternoon. I also love Raveena's music and I love her music videos even more. I had an aunty introduce me to Vidya Vox and I'm so grateful that she did. I also just lover her sense of style. I love how varied Sevdaliza's aesthetic is and her vocals. Her voice is so beautiful. Mona Haydar's music is such a mood. I love it. And of course I can't forget to mention MIA when talking about brown artists. I was super into her back in my senior year of high school. The background music of Boyz reminds me of Diwali. Both Jay Sean and Anik Khan makes me feel like I can embrace my inner brown f boy. I didn't know Jay Sean was brown for the longest. I remember listening to him when he was big in like 2008-2012 but I never really looked into him all that until I started getting nostalgic over early 2010s music. I dug into his older stuff and I actually like that more. It's funny story how I found Anik Khan. Long story short I went to a party I technically wasn't supposed to be at and he was the performer there. I then went and searched up his music afterwards on my own (that night was wild to say the least). And speaking about being nostalgic about old music, I started experiencing what I call end of decade nostalgia back in 2019. That feeling hasn't left yet because I hate the 2020s so far. We Run the Night is the most generic song that I can come up for the 2008-2012 era. Like you even have Pitbull in the mix. Pitbul is basically a meme at this point because my mans was everywhere. And of course you have to have Kesha. It makes me a little sad that when you type in Tik Tok into YouTube, this isn't the first result anymore because of the app. In addition to early 2000s and early 2010's party music, I also like listening to Ritviz. I mainly like listening to this type of music when I feel like dancing or when I used to go to the gym.

Rating the Types of Food Habits My Mom Tried to Implement Growing Up My mom was a health nut and she tried to pull all types of things to keep us healthy. Don't get me wrong, I'm appreciative of her intent, she just didn't always go about it in the best way. Low Fat/No Fat Diet Very 80s and 90s. It's vintage but not in a fun way. Goes along with the misconception that fat makes you fat. For the longest time I wasn't allowed to bring avocados in the house and my mom would judge me if I put too much butter on my toast. Any snacks we had in the house was low fat or low calories. Most of the times it was ok and I didn't notice but sometimes it really messed with the taste of the food. Like fat free ranch tastes absolutely disgusting and not like ranch at all. I would rate this a -1000/10 because I was always hungry (since fat usually keeps you satiated), I got addicted to sugar (because fat free/ low fat alternatives are usually loaded with sugar so that the food in question doesn't taste bad), the conception is rooted in misinformation, and because fat free salad dressing tastes like trash. Having no snacks in the house This was annoying because after school I would be hungry and there would be nothing in the house. She didn't want to have snacks in the house because she thought snacking would mean extra calories and then we would all get fat. The good part about this is that I never got hooked on unhealthy processed foods and I never developed the habit of eating chips and cookies constantly. Cutting out junk food doesn't feel drastic to me because I never had that type of food in my house in the first place so implementing healthy habits in some cases is easier. I would rate this a 6/10 mainly because it was annoying but over all helped me have healthy taste for food and because I would find other ways to snack behind her back anyway. All ways buying organic My mom would mainly buy fresh produce and make sure it's organic. I don't know to what extent whether or not food being organic matters so this might be an unnecessary expense for peace of mind. But it did mean that everything I was eating was freshly made from scratch and that my meals didn't come from a sketchy box. I can appreciate building that habit and having that be normalized at home from a young age. I rate this an 8/10 Being terrified of berries She did take the whole buying things organic thing too far once. My mom once went through a phase where she was terrified of berries, especially strawberries I guess because of pesticides. Every time I would try to buy strawberries she would be like "NO WE'RE NOT GETTING STRAWBERRIES, THEY ARE POISON AND HAVE CHEMICALS ON THEM." This continued for a few years. I'm surprised this stuck around for that long because I'm pretty sure all this happened because she saw an episode of Dr. Oz talking about pesticides. Dr. Oz was basically her ultimate authority for anything health related during this time. I rate this a 1000/10 because this is a funny story and because it taught me to be critical of the media. Throwing out my Halloween Candy Like most kids, I looked forward to Halloween so that I could go trick or treating. But because I was a little chubbier than the other kids, my mom didn't want me to eat the the candy I got trick or treating. So as a result she would throw my candy out and then gas light me by telling me that I probably already ate it all. I rate this a 2/10 because even though I don't think this instance traumatized me (because lets be real there are plenty of other things that traumatized me instead when it came to food and body image), it did make me sad as a 10 year old. Judging me for eating at restaurants or when my family would get invited for dinner This would normally happen because I chose a less healthy option at a restaurant, like choosing fries over broccoli that one time or when I would go to get more food when my family would get invited to dinner at a friend's house. She would stare me down and say "no you're not doing that you need to watch what you eat." I rate this a 3.5/10 in a restaurant setting when I'm only with my parents mainly because it is judgmental and controlling and made me nitpicky around food but ultimately I would brush it off and eat normally. But I would rate this a -20/10 when I'm at a friend's house because the people around me would hear my mom being crazy and feel compelled to say something like "oh but she looks great, eating a little more every now and then doesn't hurt." I rate this instance much lower because there would be this tenseness and awkwardness in the air for everyone involved. Not being allowed to eat anything sweet My mom also got in the habit of demonizing sugar. By making it off limits it just made me crave it more. Also it didn't make me stop eating sugar and instead my dad and I would sneak out and get ice cream together. It was a bonding experience for us since we just wanted to eat in peace without getting yelled at. I rate this a 5/10 because I didn't listen and snuck out and did what I wanted to anyway. It was ineffective to say the least.

Ever since I was diagnosed with PCOS, I have been paying attention to my diet more. I am trying to look into a healthier way of eating that is sustainable and suits my life style. I will be journaling about what I eat in a day as well as talk about my goals with food. And as usual with all of my journals, comments are welcome and encouraged.

@Preety_India Of course not This is a way to keep myself accountable so it doesn't happen. After all, there is a huge difference between simply knowing what to avoid and actually knowing what you need to do.

Religion and Spirituality Ok so for my first post I didn't know what to start off with and since I'm in a spiritually oriented forum, why not start with religion and spirituality. From my experience, a lot of South Asian people are sensitive when it comes to religious identity and interreligious relationships because of the politics surrounding religion in that area. Because I grew up in the U.S. and because there aren't that many brown people in my area, the idea of marrying outside of my race and religion is a very likely possibility. And for my family in India and Bangladesh, I can see them getting triggered with that idea where they are like "if you marry a Christian what religion are your kids going to be" (I was raised Hindu btw). And my answer from a young age was that I want my kids to choose their religious and spiritual path for themselves. I don't want my kid to follow whatever religion my spouse or I are practicing. I want them to think for themselves and explore different ideas to see what fits best for them. That's probably going to be a recurring theme in this journal where my priority as a parent would be to instill critical thinking skills and freedom of expression to my kid. Indoctrination to a world view doesn't sit right with me. I want them to come to their own conclusions. Also religion and spirituality is a very personal thing. I don't feel right imposing myself onto someone like that especially my own child. Even though I grew up in a Hindu family, my dad wasn't religious at all while my mom on the other hand prays 3 times a day (7 when she is anxious about something). My mom never had this expectation that I had to be as religious as her. And even though I'm not religious I can see the peace of mind that religion can bring to a person. I also used religion to connect to my own culture as well. I can see the healthy manifestations of religion and how it can help people find a sense of community and a sense of faith in their lives which is why even though I personally identify as agnostic, I don't demonize religion. But I think religion can get out of hand when you blindly follow it and abandon you're critical thinking skills which is why I'm going to emphasize critical thinking in my future posts. Even though I am agnostic and I want to raise my kid in a religiously neutral way, I'm still going to celebrate things like Diwali, Christmas etc. I want my kid to be exposed to different communities and generally enjoy themselves in different festivities. I don't think you have to be super religious to get value out of those things. This also has to do with learning about different points of views and cultures which goes along with critical thinking.

Gentleness and My Journal on Getting My Diet Together I have been focusing on learning how to be gentle with myself for the last few months because some of the issues I have been talking. I talk more about this and my perfectionistic tendencies in my main journal. I was thinking about my eating habits and my body image and eventually I started thinking of how gentleness plays a role in all of this. Here is a quote from an entry in my main journal. The main reason why I feel that I wasn't successful at fixing my diet before this attempt was because I wasn't gentle with myself. I wasn't patient or slow, I wanted a quick fix. I wanted to go on a juice cleanse and be really strict with myself for 3 weeks and have a flat stomach because I thought that's what health was. That's what the diet industry sold to me. I mentioned this many times in my journal but I'm pretty sure the reason why people are reluctant to try healthy eating is because they have this incorrect preconceived notion that is going to be hellish and restrictive. I wasn't attentive to my body or my tastes in foods so when I did inevitably backslide because I wasn't feeling well or I hated the food I felt that I had to be eating (or not eating) I was harsh with myself. Instead of trying to be attentive and fix my approach to what I was doing, I blamed myself for my lack of discipline instead of being forgiving. Growing up I wasn't loving, empathetic, or accepting towards my body. Sure there is improvement to be made now but my body image was so much worse when I was growing up because I was surrounded by unhealthy messages. I had this rushed and chaotic approach to diet and exercise because I wanted fast results since I wasn't happy with the way that I looked. I had unrealistic expectations when it came to tackling the bad habits with food and I tried to fix everything overnight. And in the end of all of this, I blamed myself for not having discipline. I didn't realize how much of discipline goes hand in hand with gentleness until fairly recently. I think it's because when we think of people achieving big things, we imagine these monumental and dramatized efforts. It's what makes good stories. Since we are talking about food related stuff in this journal, I think a good example of dramatized efforts is any reality tv show that is about weight loss where they show clients working out for hours a day with a team of professionals and then they change their body in a matter of 2 months or something crazy like that. When in reality, if you are trying to get healthy, it's a bunch of incremental steps with small acts of discipline. But if you go in thinking it's going to be this mountain you have to climb and it's going to be a harsh journey from start to finish, you're never going to want to start even the smallest step. Part of being disciplined and being gentle with yourself is accepting mundane small steps instead of taking drastic measures and in doing so you are showing more patience towards what you're trying to achieve because you have faith in the final outcome. After thinking about all of this, I noticed that I still have difficulty of being gentle with myself in the areas where I'm the most soft and vulnerable because I have this mindset of basing my worth on my competence due to my perfectionistic tendencies. I was thinking about this in terms of my emotions but then I was like *wait, this is also literal and physical.* What I mean by that is that I have difficulty in being gentle with myself and accepting the softest part of my physical body which is my stomach. It's always been the squishiest part of me and I wished that this little bit of squish wasn't there. I always wanted a flat stomach even when I know it isn't a realistic thing for me. I thought that was interesting and that this is a place where I can embody gentleness even more.

I just realized there is a quota on the number of attachments we can have I already used up 44% on my journals Guess I have to make my journal less visually appealing smh I liked having images break apart huge blocks of texts.

Media Consumption Analysis Part 5: Instagram I have 3 Instagram accounts. One is my main that everyone follows, one is my finsta where I let people who are close to me follow, and then the last one is what I call my antisocial social media. No one follows that account. I disabled the first two recently because I caught myself comparing myself to people and getting into spirals. I'm going through something rough at the moment and I don't want to add salt to the wounds I'm trying to heal. The third account, my antisocial social media is the only account I have at the moment. On my antisocial social media, I don't follow anyone I know in real life. I also don't have anyone following me. I only follow accounts that bring me joy on that account. I see my feed as the dream board that updates itself. I mainly follow a bunch of South Asian small businesses and content creators, music that I stan, YouTubers I enjoy watching, people advocating for mental health, a few people I find attractive, and a couple of social justice accounts. I don't go on my Instagram super often but I usually log on like once or twice a week. The biggest portion of accounts I follow are South Asian small businesses and content creators. Most of these people are from the U.S. or U.K. and they fuse both western culture and their South Asian background into their content. When I first found these accounts, it was the first time I felt represented in the media. Like completely represented. I have resonated with media before but it always felt like only part of me was being represented instead of the whole of me. For instance, while I enjoyed watching Bollywood movies occasionally, as a kid I didn't resonate with it that much because the American part of me wasn't being represented. And it doesn't help when brown people, usually people in my parent's generation or people who are straight from South Asia make you feel like you aren't brown enough or that if you are South Asian American, you don't have a culture rather you are a watered down version. Then you have mainstream American society that doesn't make sense from the way you were raised at home. So basically you find yourself in this awkward in between. I grew up in an area without a lot of South Asian Americans so I didn't have many people to relate to. It felt a little isolating at times. Sometimes I can't relate to people at school and sometimes I can't relate to my parents and family when it comes to the way they were raised. Luckily, I didn't go through the phase of hating myself as a brown person. I know a lot of brown people who lived in predominantly white areas go through that phase where they feel the need to whitewash themselves in order to fit in. I've met some brown people in college who went as far to Trump supporters in order to gain acceptance from white peers which is YIKES to say the least. I grew up in a predominantly black and Hispanic area. A lot of people were children of immigrants who shared some parallels with my upbringing even if they didn't share my experience with being South Asian. And mostly everyone were people of color so we didn't hate on each other on the base of that. Even though I did have to deal with racism on a systemic level with my school being underfunded because of socioeconomic reasons and things of that nature, there is only a handful of instances of racism I faced in that environment, none of which made me hate myself. In that way, I consider myself incredibly lucky. That said, even though I never hated being brown, I wasn't exactly proud of being brown either. But a lot of these accounts really showed me the beauty of being brown in the South Asian diaspora. We don't have some type of watered down culture, we have our own. One of my favorite accounts is @brownhistory. The account posts pictures with captions telling people's personal stories when it comes to immigrating. I personally didn't know a lot of my own history as a South Asian American. Obviously I learned American history in school and I have a basic understanding of Asian history from my parents and my world history classes, but when it came to the South Asian diaspora, I pretty much had to teach myself. I also follow a lot of fashion accounts. Some of them are of Indian clothing designers because I find Indian clothes so beautiful. When it comes to special occasions, I don't feel dressed up unless I'm in something Indian. But a lot of accounts are from South Asian American influencers and small business owners. I find the way they combine eastern textiles and designs into western outfits and make something new and creative. I really like @srutijaydevan and @amydevan There is also an account called @browngirltherapy that breaks down the mental health issues that a lot of people from the South Asian diaspora face. Asian Americans in general have the highest rate of mental health issues especially when it comes to things like depression while being the least likely group to get help. A lot of it has to do with stigmatization in those communities as well as a cultural disconnect between therapists and client. And finally, of course I follow a handful of South Asian meme accounts. The best part of being brown in America is that you get memes from two different cultures and it's like you share inside joke with a large group of people lol. My aunties watch Indian soap operas for the plot. My friends and I watch them for the memes and the overdramatic transitions. I know people can drag social media for being low consciousness and a waste of time but IMO, you can use social media as a way to uplift yourself and educate yourself as well. It's not so much about social media being bad or good, rather it's about learning how to use it mindfully. I also feel that the best part of social media is that you can make your own platform instead of waiting around for the industry to approve of you. It's a democratization of media. Sure there is a dark side of it where you have people who shouldn't have a voice like conspiracy theorists and alt righters having a platform but I also think it's unfair to discount the good that comes from this which is that minority voices can have a platform and reach people. I know people love to drag influencers and Instagram models but if you compare them and fashion models for instance, there is so much more diversity in terms of race, body shape and features in the first group compared to the later. And as a woman of color, there is something empowering about that. Feeling like you are seen sparks a lot of joy.

I watched D'Angelo Wallace's video on Leo. I watch D'Angelo's content every now and then and found his content entertaining. I think his video is a good representation of how any normal person who hasn't really looked into Leo's channel will view Actualized.org. I remember having these same exact thoughts when I first discovered Actualized.org. If you are the average person and then you encounter a series of videos on how this guy claims to be god, how you are god, and how you need to take this illegal and potentially dangerous substance to realize that, I think it is healthy to be skeptical of that. I went in to this mindset of skepticism but I still continued watching Leo's videos because I found them interesting and useful. I still take things with a grain of salt and I try to rely more on direct experience and additional sources before jumping to conclusions. But you have to understand, most people don't know about nonduality. Once you start learning about nonduality as a concept, even if it is only on theoretical terms instead of direct experience, Leo's videos make more sense. It becomes less about some crazy bald guy who claims to be the bearded man in the sky who you should worship and do everything he says and more nuanced because your understanding of god changes. Also, most people who do psychedelics don't do it with the intent of actualizing or for spiritual reasons. So I can see why someone would be concerned with people becoming addicted to it recreationally. I will admit that I did feel a little triggered when I saw D'Angelo make that video. But I think it's because I really like Actualized.org and as a result part of me identifies with it. Consequently, when someone critiques it, a little bit of defensiveness can get stirred up. For the most part I thought it was kind of funny to watch someone who doesn't have much exposure to spirituality freak out over this. I just brushed it off afterwards tbh. It's not that serious. I'm not saying D'Angelo is right or that I agree with him but I understand where he is coming from and why he would be freaked out. Also, don't try to convert people or change their opinions. There is already a perception of this place being a cult and pushing people to think a certain way will further cement the idea of this being a cult in their minds more IMO.

Did you just download tiktok? Because that's what happened to me the first time I downloaded tiktok and it was boring as hell. So I deleted the app I downloaded tiktok again during the lockdown because I was bored but this time searched up somethings I was interested in, liked a shit ton of posts, and then my for you page changed completely.

You'll Thank Me One Day I know I already posted a meme about how I was feeling because I find the rest of the scene also applicable. The little girl is just like "well, excuse me" which honestly is a mood. I feel I keep talking about my situation with not coping with this very well and I'm sure if I vented out to people I would seem over dramatic and unable to adapt. Her grandpa is just like "Just keep digging, you'll thank me one day" and it made me think of the last time I felt absolutely horrible about life back in 2018. That time was awful but now I can look back at that time I took for myself and be grateful for that opportunity, even though I was suffering when I was in it. It isn't nostalgia. It isn't the wish to go back to that time of my life and relive it (god no). It's about zooming out and seeing the conflict for what it means for the rest of the story. That's how I try to think of somethings in my life, as if I'm part of some novel and I'm the reader, the writer, and the character all at once. Oftentimes when we read a good book, our favorite moments that are the most meaningful to us aren't the happiest parts, or the parts that are the most exciting rather sometimes they are the ones that are the most bittersweet, the ones that make us grow the most, the ones that are the most insightful. But it's hard to see that when you are also the character in the story, the main character at that. Naturally you want what feels the best for you in that moment. But that doesn't always make a good story does it. And I hope that one day in the future, I can look back at this time and be thankful for the pandemic, thankful for the lockdown, and thankful for how much time I have had to spend with my parents. It's painful now but I will make it worth it for I will be. I might not have much faith right now and my circumstances, but I have faith in the person I'm becoming, in who I want to be. Even though I don't want to and even though it is hard, but maybe I should use this opportunity to dig into my psyche more and really sort out my issues so things are effortless when this shit is over and I can hit the ground running.

It's really just like any other social media imo. It all depends on what side of tiktok you're on whether you are on makeup tiktok, attention whore tiktok, gay tiktok, straight tiktok, witch tiktok, creepy weirdo tiktok etc. Personally, based on the posts I've liked, most of my for you page is people who are into psychology, people giving me career advice, history facts, and gay people joking about their daily existential dread. With some people's posts, I'm surprised how concisely they are able to break down complex topics.

@RendHeaven Thank you I see this place as an organized mess of me psychoanalyzing myself. I'm glad you see the organized part of it lol

Personal Development To Do List (bolded ones are the ones I want to focus on more) Need an internship and clarity about my career Achieve financial freedom Get out more Make friends and get into a relationship Get out of your head and stop hyper analyzing Get over social anxiety Address feelings around shame Get your physical health together Stop procrastinating Be gentle with yourself Tackle your perfectionistic tendencies Stop basing your self worth on your competence Stop spiraling about capitalism

In honor of March 2021 when I'm not even done processing March 2020

Media Consumption Part 4: Being in my Head I noticed that pretty much all of my channels have some combination of the following: a form of analysis, spirituality, leftism. When it comes to the leftism part, pretty much all of the channel creators have hinted at that being their view in politics even if it isn't the bulk of their channel content. I think that is important to note down as far as how my world view and my attitude is being formed. And when I'm not doing that, I'm usually doing school work which means I'm reading a shit ton of peer reviewed journals usually about the social sciences (I don't have that many readings or papers in my business classes). That means more analysis related content, usually in a more dense form. I should probably also add that once I got to college, I had what I call my nerd awakening where I I threw myself head first into my work because I fell in love with the subjects I'm majoring in. While I was still a curious nerd in high school, I was also pretty apathetic towards school because of the subjects I was forced to take and because I wasn't being challenged enough. Both of those things changed when I finally got control over what I got to learn. I haven't really socialized much since I got to college for a variety of reasons. Now a lot of that has to do with me being trapped at home. I retreated to analyzing different subjects and being in my head even more so. This is a tangent but I've been contemplating the nature of my personal masculine and feminine energies. My masculine energy is very analytical and strategic. It copes with issues by wanting to jump head first into problem solving. It's very assertive and good with maintaining boundaries. It is productive and finds satisfaction by making and achieving goals. I feel that my masculine energy can be rather authoritative which is why people assume I have my shit together and know what I'm doing. That can be intimidating to some and I have been told this in a number of occasions. My feminine energy on the other hand is more contemplative and intuitive. It isn't as structured as my masculine energy and instead wants to take things slowly at it's own pace so that I can take every emotion in an experience in. My feminine wants to take a warm bath, and then curl up in another person's arms instead of always being on the go. It honors the strength in vulnerability. My feminine energy is also giggly and carefree. That can give me a rather sociable and bubbly appearance to others. My masculine and my feminine energy intersects when it comes to being in my head. My masculine side is oriented towards analyzing something on the outside while my feminine side is more oriented towards contemplating things on the inside. I think there is also an intersection when it comes to my interest in the social sciences. My feminine side is more interested in the social aspect of it in order to empathize with people in different backgrounds while my masculine side is more interested in the systemic aspect of it and how the world works on a larger scale. Finally, there is an intersection when it comes to leftism. My feminine side is interested in it because it cares about people and wants people to have a basic sense of well being and be able to be free from structural issues so that they can live a more carefree and fulfilling life. My masculine side wants more efficiency in the system by taking care of the people first so that the world can further actualize its potential. I think my masculine side is more drawn to really information-dense types of media while my feminine side is drawn to more spiritual and emotionally dense types of media.

Media Consumption Analysis Part 3: YouTube I'd say the bulk of the stuff I watch is on YouTube. I'm not really the type to binge on shows or movies tbh. I don't watch TV either. I went off to college and the only time I watched TV was when I came home and my parents wanted to spend time with me. Even though I'm home now, I still don't watch TV. But yeah I watch a shit ton of stuff on YouTube instead. I remember there was a time when I listened to shit on of music and I did a journal entry back in 2015 or so just noting down my favorite music just kind of as a little reference for future me. I'm basically going to do the same here. Informative Channels: First we have the legend herself Contrapoints. I stumbled on to her channel in 2018 when I started going to a really conservative university and as a result was very angsty. I needed answers and I found a few of Natalie's videos talking about the alt right and shit just made sense. It gave my angsty little heart some clarity. But I have still hanged around. Her videos are always a treat and look forward to her posting. The above is my favorite video by her (and I'll be doing this for all the other people I talk about). I found Kristen Leo's channel back in 2017 when I was getting into my minimalism and sustainablity phase. It really started with me wanting to declutter and find a new sense of style but suddenly I found my self on the side of YouTube that talks about fast fashion and over consumption. I don't watch her videos super often but I've been hella angsty about capitalism and global warming lately so I've been watching more of her videos because mood. I check on DW news to have a general idea of what's going on but I like watching their documentary channel more. When I watch these documentaries, I remember the time I had a phase where I watched a shit ton of TED talks back in high school I really like how Second Thought breaks down lefist ideas. Really got into this channel after the pandemic started. I found Vaush's channel after joining this forum. I watch his content quite frequently tbh. Academy of Ideas is a little bit towards the overly individualistic world view and therefore can be a magnet for Jordan Peterson fanboys but with a critical eye, this channel is a pretty good philosophy channel. I don't know why but this channel reminds me of the time I had a School of Life phase a few years back. Commentary Channels: I don't know when I found Tiffany Ferg's channel but I know that I really started getting into her videos when she started doing her internet analysis series which eventually turned into her niche. I find them really interesting and entertaining. Jordan Theresa's content is similar to Tiffany's and I have been binging lately. I'm putting Luke Alexander and D'Angelo Wallace in the same category mainly because I watch both of them for commentary about YouTube drama. I don't keep track of YouTube drama mainly because I don't care but I like knowing what's happening along with something insightful thrown in the mix. I'm not super into their channel but I check up and binge every now and then. The Take's media analysis is always on point. I had to subscribe. I couldn't decide which video by the Pop Culture Detective to put so I decided to put two of them there. I love the sociological analysis that goes into these videos. I even used one as a part of a presentation for a research project in college. I found Brooey Descenel recently. I posted about her earlier but I really like her way of analyzing media even though I'm not a huge TV or movie person and even though I haven't watched the vast majority of the pieces she talks about. Self Help: I'm going to separate this into a few sections Channels with good vibes: I noticed that I watch Kaylyn Nicholos's KOZE channel, Leeor Alexandra, and Isabel Palacios whenever I find myself spiraling. They just give me good vibes and put me into a postive mindset where I don't feel like I have to spiral about petty things. I found them when I got really into manifestation. Channels that I use to really sort through the bs in my life: These are the channels that make me want to sit down and contemplate what has been said afterwards. I don't think I really need to expand that much Health related videos: I found Abbey Sharp about a year ago and I really like her approach to healthy eating and how she emphasizes a good relationship with food and your body. I find her videos informative and socially conscious. I found Kiana Docherty's channel ad I have been learning more about food. She does commentary on food and dieting and I feel like she haw very reasonable opinions. I also found this channel as I have been getting more and more into food and my health. What I've Learned has a lot of good videos on food related content which is important because there is a lot of bs when it comes to diet circulating around.

I was thinking for the last few days how people talk about how things will change in the U.S. and how a lot of people don't actually get up and leave when they joke about immigrating to other countries. The whole America is the greatest country in the world narrative, even if you don't believe it, almost makes you feel like there is no where you can go so you end up having Stockholm Syndrome for a country. It's like the abusive boyfriend that convinces you that you don't want to leave by saying he'll change or by saying there is no way you will find anyone better. I have tried to go to the U.K for college. That didn't work out because my dad's health was going down hill and I don't want to be on another continent if anything happens even though I was trying to move far away from home. I'm lowkey happy that didn't work out now because I don't know what I would have to do when the lockdowns happened last year or if I would bring back the virus and infect my family in my efforts to come home. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I made these plans before and I'll do it again and this time I will succeed. I'm manifesting this. Until then, I'll just be listening to "American Idiot" by Green Day. Also, I suddenly remembered this video exists

@Raphael Yeah When I daydream about moving to New Zealand