soos_mite_ah

The Illusion of Memory I had a dream last night where I was searching for a nose ring. I was 26 years old and living in my own apartment. I was feeling really nostalgic and I wanted to recreate a look from my teens. I drove to my parents house and dug through my things. Everything looks very futuristic. It was like a mix between the aesthetics of Tron Legacy and Meet the Robinsons (now that I think about it a lot of my dreams have a futuristic aesthetic, I wonder what that might mean). But while I was in this dream, I didn't think anything of it. This was my reality in this state of consciousness. My parents' house in my dream and my parents' house in real life look very different but I wasn't aware of that when I was in this dream. I dug through old makeup palettes and started thinking of all of the memories I had of giving my friends makeovers and how I was really into costume design. I was looking for this nose ring because it felt so quintessential to my teenage years. As I searched for this nose ring I started thinking of how I spontaneously decided to get my nose pierced when I was hanging out with my friends, how my family was generally supportive of this decision and thought I looked badass. Then, when I found the nose ring, I tried to put it on. There was a hole in my nose to where I could do that but it was difficult because it closed up a little from me not wearing nose rings all the time any more. Then I woke up. I still remember the dream clearly to where I can point out not only what I saw and experienced in my dream but also what my thoughts and feelings were amidst the dream. The memories I talked about were all an illusion. In my real life none of those things happened. I was never into makeup, my parents house looks completely different, I sure as hell don't have a nose piercing, and if I got one spontaneously (which I know I wouldn't do because I'm scared of sharp things) my parents wouldn't have been supportive. But when I was in this dream, all of these memories felt so natural, so real. I have encountered this idea of our memories being an illusion in other places. In spiritual topics, there is this concept of all memories and future planning being an illusion because the only thing that exists is the present. The rest is simply your imagination and you telling stories about yourself to preserve the idea that there is a you. In psychology I learned about how the brain can distort memories for self interest, how false memories can be implanted through manipulation, and how memories can erode with time because when we remember something, we don't remember the actual thing rather we think back to the last time we thought about such a thing. There was also the concept of how we don't remember things as they happened rather we only remember them as they relate to us. So in other words, intellectually I came to the conclusion that it's important to be critical of your own experiences because the way we perceive and remember direct experiences can be skewed even when they feel so real. But emotionally, I guess it didn't click until this morning when I woke up. My "dream reality" and my "real reality" feel much more subjective, much more illusory. The lines have blurred for me. This was an interesting experience. I guess I'm going to go and have an existential crisis now

Awareness

@Leo Gura I think in situations like this it is crucial to mind the context of the situation and whether we are talking in the absolute sense or relative sense. In the absolute sense, survival is survival. But in the relative sense, there is a lot of degrees that need to be considered. I'm pretty sure you already know this. But some people on this forum will take that as a blanket statement and run with it without looking at context and nuance. That's my concern because that can lead to some nasty results for both men and women.

Videos That Spark Joy

Like @Forestluv said it wouldnt be the same type of trauma. Degree of extremity of trauma is important to take into consideration. And with the movie example, when you are watching a movie, you know it's fake. But I dont think you can say the same thing if you witnessed a rape in real life. It's not going to be the same type of trauma as if you were the person being raped but even witnessing that is going to mess you up. There are a variety of factors that would have to be considered to determine how much one could distance themselves from that experience ranging from the age you witnessed the traumatic event as well as your relationship to the person directly suffering the trauma.

I like this metaphor. I honestly feel similarly when I'm in this section of the forum.

Dating Cynicism I really crave and want a guy who will be emotionally available, supportive, gentle, and all around just not an asshole. And sometimes I feel like I'm asking for too much because the men around me are absolute messes. The bar is on the floor. I try to avoid the dating and relationship section because for some reason this site attracts a bunch of insecure and misogynistic "nice guys." It just makes me feel cynical about dating. Like, damn.... this is the pool I'm dealing with. Sometimes I hate that I have the audacity to be romantically attracted to a man. And in addition to being tired of dating because of the priorities I had growing up, on second thought, I don't think I get tired of dating because I lack discipline and grit rather I get tired of dating because I have to exert emotional labor into screening guys to make sure they aren't trash. There is a thread on this site that I contributed to recently and initially started with a few women talking about a Teal Swan video and how they felt it represented what a woman wants in a relationship. That thread devolved into a "nice guy" fiasco and strayed far from the original topic. I will admit that I had a hand in this because of a few salty comments. But I just felt exhausted at the end of that conversation. As of now, the topic is still open but I decided to not read anymore or comment because I'm just done. There is also a variety of men on this site from a range of ages. I always naively believed in middle school and high school that once I grow up, the men around me will mature and I'll find some decent options. I was told that I'll have a better time dating when I get older. Nah, men are immature and misogynistic throughout all ages. Some of them simply don't grow up. As much as I want to be in a loving and supporting relationship, I'm so tired of screening guys only to find that they ain't shit. I'm tired of dealing with the bs that men spout out especially on the topic of female sexuality. I hate being mansplained on my own tastes and experiences as a woman. I wish men were decent so I wouldn't have to put in all this effort into screening to ensure that I don't end up in the claws of someone who will mistreat me. I hate feeling like I have to be on guard like this because all I wanted was to surrender and feel safe in the first place.

Relatability Humor: Making Fun of People in Your Community and Perpetuating Stereotypes I really liked this video and I feel like it can also apply to South Asian communities as well mainly on the internet but in different ways. I've been reflecting that lately I think for me when it comes to relatability humor, I tend to fall back on making fun of the aunties I have had to deal with, I know a lot of my other brown friends have a tendency of doing the same thing and I'm sure we use humor as a way to cope. A lot of older Indian women who have immigrated from India including my own mother tend to be rather regressive around women's rights and tend to put other women down. And it can be difficult to have to see the woman who is supposed to teach you how to be a woman in a conscious way criticize you over petty things and doubling down on patriarchal notions of what it means to be a woman. Most of the humor that I notice with brown people poking fun at their own communities comes with a critique about social issues as well as the double standards that are present between men and women. While humor can be a more constructive way to address our issues and laugh at them instead of dismissing them, I think it's also important to think about context as well in regards to why some people are the way they are and what social expectations and structures contributed to it. A lot of these stereotypical aunties are gossipy because they don't have much going on in their lives. Why? Because some didn't get much of an opportunity to figure themselves out and explore life as a whole because I mean you can't have a woman run wild "what will people say???" I think a lack of life experiences has a major role in being judgmental and anxious about seemingly trivial things. Then you have South Asian Americans also making fun of FOBs (Fresh of the Boats) when it come to different attitudes and cultural differences. Some of it is funny like the time when my uncle was pressed about drinking sweet tea because why tf would tea be served cold and with no milk lol. But some of it can be pretty racist. Like I remember back in high school there was the whole "send bobs and vagene" memes that were going around making fun of indian guys who are creepy and awkward. While I know brown people can make fun of it because those people do exist, albeit they few and far between, it feels hella racist when white people jump on the band wagon. There is this whole trope of brown men being emasculated and seen as a laughing stock that can't get a girlfriend. It's a common media stereotype to portray Asian men like this. The Big Bang Theory and how they portray Raj is a good example of this. And because of this, I think that's why you have the brown fuckboys that try to act black (I swear we all know that one brown guy who thinks it's ok to say the n-word). Asian men are typically emasculated while black people as a whole tend to be portrayed in a hype masculine light. This can especially be seen with black women and how they are routinely seen as less feminine but that's a whole nother topic. I'd imagine that if you are in the position where you are emasculated for whatever reason, there is the temptation to swing in the other direction and try to portray this hyper masculine image. And to a lot of brown guys, curating that hyper masculine image comes with appropriating black culture which isn't ok in the slightest. There is also a lot to be said about anti-black sentiments in Asian communities due to the whole model minority myth that pits Asian people against Black and Latino people as a way to invalidate the institutionalized racism that BIPOC experience. Then there is the whole colonial narrative of brown men being creeps and predators and them being more of a threat to brown women than the Europeans were. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the "send bobs and vagene" trope isn't something new from a historical sense. And of course there are people who think that brown people are more sophisticated and less backwards than people back in India. I didn't see that type of humor that much growing up but I did talk to older brown people (roughly 10-15 years older than me) and they told me stories of how they were more insecure about their South Asian identity because when their families immigrated to the U.S. in the mid-late 80s and early 90s, there wasn't as much of a brown community in the U.S. then so there was more of a pressure to conform to whatever their white peers were doing because you didn't find as many people to relate to. Finally, we have the non-South Asian people who think it's ok to make fun of South Asian people. I feel like racism against Asian Americans socially is less addressed. Part of it goes back to the whole model minority myth as well as Asian people having less representation in terms of population size. I remember people in my school would do an impression of an Indian accent to make fun of a teacher and I tried to brush it off as oh they are making fun of this particular teacher, not brown people as a whole. Looking back I'm just like *that waaaasn't okkkkk......* Again, a lot of it probably has to with Asian issues not being taken seriously because most of our issues aren't to the same extremes as BIPOC. It's true, we don't face the same struggles that BIPOC typically face. Comparing the issues and the circumstances of Asian Americas and BIPOC are like comparing apples to oranges. But in the end of the day, racism is still racism, there is no need to play the who is the most oppressed olympics, and I shouldn't have let that type of thing slide. I was complicit. Hell, I don't even feel comfortable doing an Indian accent when I'm engaging in relatability humor because I'm afraid of doing the accent wrong and making a caricature out of brown people and because that's not how I talk. So my non-brown friends sure as hell shouldn't have been doing that.

I honestly feel like this thread needs to be locked up at this point. We strayed away from the main subject for a while now. I dont think it's going anywhere.

Or maybe she does it because she enjoys those things for herself and she wants to express herself through her appearance..... Not everything revolves around men

If I were to think of a perfect guy I would want an amazing personality that meshes with me well. Looks wise, I don't care if other women wants to be with him or not as long as I'm somewhat attracted to him. He doesn't have to be attractive to everyone for me to like him. Women don't care about status in that way. Especially when it comes to physical attraction, women have so many specific types and tastes it' impossible to appeal to majority of them. I want him to treat me right and be loyal but that's also part of personality so I don't think it need reiterating

That's because we don't see women as valuable human beings in the first place and instead view them as objects that erode with time. Why don't we value older women for their wisdom and life experience the way that we do with men? Men like you don't do that because they see a woman's value in her malleability and her naivety because that means men can have more control to use her as the object they perceive her to be. Those men aren't after intimacy or respect, they crave control over a woman in order to prove their weak egos to other men for validation. The fact that you see Teal Swan as having a small amount of value just because of her age is disgusting. She's waaaaay out of your league anyway because of your poor attitude.

This is the problem with yall. Yall want to apply this sense of essentialism to each gender and generalize people in the name of biology because it gives yall a sense of control and certainty instead of looking at the complexity of social dynamics that involve actual emotional intelligence and critical thinking. Yall mask essentialism and gender stereotypes and call it biology instead of adopting holistic thinking.

That's because men fetishize youth because of the perception that younger women are easier to control. Older women aren't often seen as desirable because they are painted as nags simply because they won't put up with yalls bs. Also don't get me started on arbitrary beauty standards smdh

I stg, "nice guys" will claim to be nice only for his mask to slip off and come off as the ax murdering type when his ego gets bruised and he gets triggered from a woman saying she is simply not interested. If you're actually nice, you won't have to go around saying you're nice. I agree. There are so many problems that come from repressing the feminine apart from attracting girls. This is also a good point. Swinging that far into one direction can create an even larger shadow of the feminine. You're right. Real masculine men don't fear being feminine. But you don't have to rack up so many arbitrary masculinity points in order to "afford to be feminine." And yeah, being feminine doesn't have to do with being a woman's therapist. It more so has to do with basic compassion and empathy over being an emotionally unavailable dick. Thank you

@coca And your dismissal of this being a way to shrink responsibility to avoid giving nice guys a chance looks a lot like projection because you don't want to take the responsibility and realize that a large portion of "nice guys" aren't even nice

The problem with most "nice guys" is the fact that most self proclaimed nice guys aren't nice at all and made a HUGE shadow of being an asshole to where they don't realize their shitty or sometimes even behavior. I'm taking the time to write this out because I don't know which nice guy on this forum has to hear this. "Nice guys" fall under one or more of the following and it makes women not want to be around the "nice guy": He is entitled: "Nice guys" have a tendency to see themselves as some type of white knight as if they aren't as misogynistic as other guys because they might not present in the same way. They are blind to their own asshole tendencies and don't realize that being nice in order to get laid is not nice at all. I've had friends who were pressured into going out with the "nice guy" who won't stop asking them out after they said no multiple time because "oh he's such a nice guy just give him a chance" and they just come back with stories about how controlling, clingy, and creepy these guys were. Most of the time, we don't date the "nice guy" because we havesome type of hunch of them being REAALLLY weird and sketchy. The nerdy guy behind the computer screen who is on reddit all day can be just as bad if not worse than the alpha chad they think they are better than because of some false notion of niceness. He's only quality is being nice: The word "nice" doesn't tell you much about a person. Literally ANYONE is capable of being nice especially if self interest, specifically sex is involved. What these "nice guys" don't understand is that the guys they look at and think of as assholes are also nice to us on the surface. Nice is not even the bare minimum. I've met people who have been nice to me only to search them up in google and find out they did time for violent crime. He isn't his own person: This goes along with the previous point of how nice is his only quality. But some nice guys abandon all of their interests and try to bend over backwards for a woman to the point where his life revolves around the women. There are women who do pull the same behavior but I'll get to them in a moment. Women want to know that they are a priority in a guy's life but not that your life revolves around us. I have met "nice guys" who basically conform their personality and interests to appeal to a woman. I get wanting to lead with the most relatable side of yourself but when it gets to the point where you are agreeing with everything and basically playing copy cat with a woman in order to get into bed with her or because you believe that's the nice thing to do because you're appealing to her, that's weird as hell. It isn't nice, it's creepy because of the lack of authenticity and self interest involved. They way to deal with this is by having a sense of purpose in your life, your own hobbies, and build some character. You won't have to worry so much about playing hard to get if you are already hard to get. But the problem with nice guys is that they feel that having boundaries, not replying to texts because they were busy, and saying no every now and then make them an asshole. He doesn't take any initiative to approach a woman and lacks the social skills to do so: Close mouths don't get fed and that's not only a thing in dating. How the hell are we supposed to know you're into us if you don't say anything or if you lock yourself away from social interaction? Logistically you need to be out there meeting people. Some genuinely nice guys only fall under this category and then they adopt this nice guy bs because they have a shadow of assertiveness to where they think that being assertive will automatically make them an asshole. But a lot of nice guys fall under this category and the ones above which then translates into them having this idea in their head about being nice when that isn't the case at all. Now before someone is like, well women don't face this type of thing, here is the thing, we do but it comes out differently. For women it's under a different label called the "pick me." A pick me girl bends over backwards for man, has no standards, and sticks around no matter if the guy goes to jail, cheats on her, hits or do a number of horrible things because she is under the impression that this is what it means to be "wifey material." She is a ride or die and she shames other women for not being as "compassionate and forgiving" as her. She is a complete doormat and she perpetuates the patriarchy by telling women that women need to do everything for their man with nothing in return and have no standards for how a man treats them because then women are asking for too much. Women have been told how to please a man and how to stroke his ego since the beginning of time. Men aren't put under the same level of scrutiny historically. A pick me and a nice guy both uphold patriarchal values. The pick me tells women that they should be ok with second class treatment while the nice guy says that he should be entitled to pussy just because he is nice to them. A pick me and a nice guy both lack a backbone and therefore they either get left or treated like shit by people who try to take advantage of their lack of boundaries causing them to be bitter towards other women. Neither one has their own personality and feels the need to conform to the person they are dating because they aren't confident in the desirability their own authenticity

Don't detach for the sake of detachment. It's ok to like things and value something that is as higher consciousness like creative expression. You can honor the form of your personality as well as your likes and dislikes without becoming a slave to the ego.

Women: Hey, can you treat us with basic human respect and empathy, and maybe also take charge a little more so that we feel safe enough to be vulnerable around you in order to cultivate the emotional and physical intimacy we both crave on some level? Men: WHaT iS tHIs SiMP BEhaviOr?!?!?! DoN't YOu ReAliZe ThATS jusT telLiNG uS tO Be NICe GuYS. Me NEEds tO bE STROnG EmoTIOnLEsS aLPHa ChAD. FeMIninE coMPAssion aND empATHY eQuALS WeaK bETA MALe wHO has NO selF reSPECt oR bOUndaries Some of yall are really need to integrate the feminine and do some shadow work and it shows

I cant go more than 4 minutes of shamanic breathing without being out of breath and getting this REALLY painful pins and needles feeling in my legs. My legs also feel really wobbly after I stop for about another 2 minutes. Is this normal? Am I doing the technique wrong? If I can't do it for more than 3 minutes now for a 30 minute session should I do 10 3 minute intervals with breaks in between? Does this mean that I have a lot of trauma or does it mean my body is simply adjusting? I want to make sure that I do this right considering everything that could take place when doing this exercise.

Priorities For the longest time my priorities have looked like this: Self development/ mental health School/ career/ extracurriculars Friends Family Everything else ..... Love I feel like these priorities have been shaken up a lot lately. First of all, I'm trying to take a break from the amount of self development work I've been doing because some of it isn't coming from a healthy place and I feel a little burnt out. Second, I'm not in school and I'm having issues with getting internships because of the current situation. In place of that I'm prioritizing learning mainly to do something I enjoy rather than to stress myself out. Learning is also one of my big values so there is that. Next, I'm pretty isolated from people in general and the panorama hasn't helped much in helping me make more friends. Family is stressing me out because I'm around them all the time. Everything else usually refers to doing things I enjoy and that can be a lot of things. And then we have love. For the longest time getting into a romantic relationship seemed like the last thing on my mind despite me craving a significant other pretty much constantly. Just by the way I was raised I was always taught that prioritizing romantic relationships when you're young is a recipe for disaster, that you're basically throwing away your future and you'll get pregnant. My parent's wanted me to prioritize school and career so that I would be successful growing up. Typical Asian parents I know. But even at a young age I knew that there were short comings for that mainly because I knew about that whole archetype of a person chasing money and success and ending up absolutely miserable in their life. I instead opted to prioritize self development and mental health because to me that seemed like a more balanced and holistic priority. I still saw the importance of keeping school/career/ extracurriculars high on the list because it's important to have a sense of purpose, have some hobbies to ground you and force you to grow, and have some way of providing for yourself in the future. I didn't neglect my friendships mainly because I prioritized my mental health and part of that means maintaining a solid social circle even though my life didn't revolve around my friends. But love and relationships on the other hand was like the very thing that shouldn't be a priority. That's the message I got growing up. Funny how I'm 21 now and my parents expect me to be married by 24 and have kids by 26. That is most likely not going to happen. Like I haven't even been in a relationship or had my first kiss slow tf down. I think that's a reason why I get tired of dating so easily. I know it takes effort but because it isn't much of a priority and I've been taught that it shouldn't be a priority, I never felt compelled to taking dating seriously. I think love needs to be higher on the list considering where I'm at with my life at the moment. I think I would really benefit from having more experience in this aspect of life, having a healthy masculine presence to balance somethings out, and explore my sexuality more. I guess there is some guilt associated from seeing this as a need and a priority because of my upbringing. I think at the moment my priorities should look more like this: Everything else/ enjoying myself Self development/ mental health (I know I said I needed a break from self development but I literally don't have much to do because of my current situation) Love (well right now it's more like contemplating about love and ***manifesting*** since I can't go out lol) Friends School/ career/ extracurriculars Family After I get back to school I think my priorities should look more like this: Enjoying myself/ mental health School/ career/ extracurriculars Love Friends Self development (since I need a break) Family I don't think there was anything wrong with my priorities before hand but I'm adjusting the order because of what I feel like my needs are at the moment. I don't need to keep working and stress myself out. For a bit, I need to let loose and have fun.

@mandyjw I tried this method and found myself feeling even worse. I also noticed that after a few minutes of this breathing, I found myself feeling calmer immediately afterwards for the next few hours. Then, later last night I started gaining a lot of insights on stuff I'm working through. I don't know if those things are the product of the breathing I did or what but that's what happened to me.

I posted this earlier and upon further introspection I realized that this has to do with my issues regarding competence in which I see being loving as a measure of how competently I'm able to handle my situation. I deleted the post after I realized I pretty much answered my own issue.

OOOoooffff I really resonate with all of this. That has basically been my relationship with femininity for like the first 14 years of my life and I've been unpacking layers of this since. I feel like especially in the media, the whole "i'm not like other girls" trope was everywhere and I picked up on that and used it as a defense mechanism for the bullying and alienation I dealt with as a kid. A ton of people are calling it out now to where it's basically a meme (tweet like a pick me) and there have been some really good analysis on the whole phenomenon since it's so common with women. Here are a couple of my favorite videos for anyone interested:

I just watched this video and I feel like it really resonated with me. Coincidentally, I was journaling about this last night and I came to similar conclusions myself. I'm going to copy and paste that entry because I think that it's applicable to this thread.